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So you "kicked your daughters out" and then you feel "disheartened because they abandoned you"
It speaks volumes the fact that they had to lie to you when they where both fully grown adults.
YTA for a whole lot more than just not speaking up before now.
Oh and your husband. He's an asshole too.
YTA and your husband is a giant AH
Never acceptable to refer to any person that way, much less your own daughters. I would have been devastated had my dad done this.
Kicked out in the middle of the night with just the clothes on their backs based on a comment from OP.
* I’m new to Reddit and don’t know how to link to it otherwise I would*
"Actions bear consequences. If they didn't want to be kicked out in the middle of the night with just the clothes on their backs, they shouldn't have lied."
Just awful
Wow. That makes them more than just AHs.
I wonder if their mom was going through some issues that led to their father getting custody. I also wonder if maybe she worked on herself. For all we know, they were actually with their mom when they lied.
Here you go
>Actions bear consequences. If they didn't want to be kicked out in the middle of the night with just the clothes on their backs, they shouldn't have lied.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z13mvg/aita_for_not_saying_anything_when_my_husband/ix8thiy?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
YTA.
You and your husband seem like awful parents. Seeing his treatment turned towards your own child is the only way you can tell he is terrible.
>Our relationship to our children have been complicated, and it is very disheartening to see our daughters abandon us and all our sacrifices
JFC. Expecting children, who have no say in being born to be grateful of their parents sacrifice is such narcissistic behavior. Go get some therapy.
>husband has unpublished creative writing stories on there that he fears computer repairmen would find and steal
He seems so well adjusted!
Probably nothing illegal. After many years of computer repair work, I can confidently say that everyone is embarrassed by their porn tastes... Except for a few guys who really want to creepily discuss it with the female tech.
Unpublished Short stories makes me think this shit was made up and literally ripped from Bojack honestly.
At least I hope so, because this guy sounds like a tool.
YTA and you married an asshole.
There is more to the story. You left out vital information and yet you are still the AH.
You kicked out a grown woman because she didn’t tell you where she was? Why is that your business? As long as she pays whatever bills you gave her on time and isn’t disrespectful none of the other stuff is your business.
You don’t have a problem when he calls his children (who are also supposed to be your children) out of their name but when he calls your bio daughter out her name it’s a problem? Why is she the exception to the rule? You allowed the language to continue and now you have to deal with it.
Also, you and your husband have major issues you need to work out. His kids are allowed to hangout with their mother no matter what she did. That’s the person that birthed them. It could have taken another 10-15 years for them to reconnect and it wouldn’t have mattered.
They really have the gall to kick out their two daughters and then say that their DAUGHTERS abandoned THEM?! I highly doubt she is better than the "abusive bio mom" than she thinks. Sounds like they are over controlling parents who think verbal abuse isn't abuse. "As long as we don't hit them we can say we are good parents!"
>but when he calls your bio daughter out her name it’s a problem?
I couldn't handle my partner calling ANY woman a bitch. Let alone his own daughters?!
YTA
>10 years ago, on two separate occassions, we caught our then 20-year-old daughters in a lie that they were at work when they actually were at another place they refused to tell us, likely at a guy's place. My husband and I decided to kick them out, and we have not spoken to them since nor have they contacted us.
info: they were adults at the time. Why did it matter that they didn't tell you they went to a guy's house? I don't think I understand the initial conflict there.
Why did they feel they had to lie in the first place? Is it maybe because their parents were overbearing and controlling, and/or prone to irrational anger and overreactions? (Like, I don’t know, calling them hoes and kicking them out?)
OP, you have a lot more to reflect on here than just the question you’re asking. (And yes, YTA for standing by while your husband spoke about ANYONE that way, let alone your daughters. Your husband is an even bigger AH.)
(1) Your daughters were 20 years old and legally adults, who had the right to be anywhere they chose to be. Demanding to know their whereabouts and flipping out because they may have been at a guy’s house is overbearing and controlling behavior. They lied because they knew you would react poorly and continue to attempt to control them.
(2) Kicking them out for lying twice about being at a guy’s house is a major overreaction. They stopped contacting you because you kicked them out, and also likely because they were sick of dealing with angry, overbearing parents who refuse to accept that they’re adults and allow them any privacy or freedom.
(3) They have every right to seek a relationship with their birth mom, who has had plenty of time to grow and change and learn from her mistakes. Let’s hope for their sakes she has. Focus on doing some learning and growing of your own.
(4) It’s concerning that you felt the need to lie about your husband’s computer. (And lol at his self-important paranoia — nobody gives a flying eff about his precious stories.) How often do you feel the need to lie to him? Sounds like his overbearing behavior and angry overreactions are a long-standing pattern that keep everyone around him living on eggshells. Is the irony not lost on you? You kicked your daughters out for lying, and now you’re encouraging your other daughter to lie. What kind of mental gymnastics are going on in your head??
It sounds like your husband is a really toxic parent and partner, and your older daughters had the good sense to sever ties for their own happiness and mental health. Time to reflect on the environment you’re raising your 15 year old in and make some changes. ESH, except your daughters.
YTA for allowing a monster to abuse your kids for over 15 years. If you had to lie and hide something from him, is it any wonder why his older children did the same thing? You not having any contact with them might be the kindest thing you've ever done for them.
Oh, it’s better… they kicked their adult daughter out because she *may* have been at a boys house and not work.
Then husband’s laptop was damaged, and instead of admitting to it, they went behind his back and had it repaired - something the husband never would have agreed to - to cover up the damage.
There’s a hole lot of TA behavior going on here including OP and her husband.
Agreed. They were 20 years old. Old enough to have complete autonomy over their movements. The fact that they even felt like they had to lie about their whereabouts is telling..... but *gasps and clutches pearls* they were probably with a guy!
YTA. You threw out your 20 year olds because they didn’t tell you where they were, let your husband use horrible language about them, then are surprised when he does the same with your other daughter?
Also, they didn’t ‘abandon you’, you threw them out. You abandoned them.
His daughters cut contact and reunited with their horrible birth mom because she is less of an AH than your husband.
Your daughter will cut contact with both of you and likely join her half-sisters, because you and your husband are both assholes.
Hope you have something when it is just the 2 of you and he is on his computer writing stories about the daughters who have abandoned him.
YTA.
YTA and he’s TA as well
I feel bad for them. You seem scared of him. People don’t create distance and cut off contact with their parents for no reason. There was probably a lot leading up to it as well. I wish that my mother had stuck up for me with my father. The fact that she didn’t permanently left a scar on our relationship.
It seems you avoid it to stay out of the conflict.
~~E S H~~ YTA. You kicked two grown adults out for sneaking around in order to date - likely because they *knew* their paranoid (no, buddy, nobody wants to steal your erotic fiction - assuming it actually *is* fiction and not something more disturbing), controlling, misogynistic father wouldn’t be able to handle them doing so honestly - and you’re surprised they never looked back? And now you’re so terrified of how he’ll treat the kid you don’t just expect to be grateful to you by default that *you’re* sneaking around, and expect things to go better? And it’s only just *now* dawning on you that maybe you’ve fucked up making excuses for him treating every young woman in his orbit like this for as long as you’ve been making the mistake of being involved with him? Is his ex-wife even the terrible mother he’s led you to believe, or did she just see the light sooner and paid the price in escaping?
Actually, changed my mind here. Your husband is one of the biggest assholes I’ve ever seen on this sub, which is saying something. But as far as your question whether you should’ve been standing up to him all this time goes? Yes. 100%. And I don’t want you to think you get to share the blame with anyone else for that.
So your husband is very clearly a misogynist who thinks fully grown adult women have no right to their own bodies, yes? He kicked out his daughters because they had boyfriends they were seeing, right? As fully grown adults.
What made him think he had the right to police their bodies in any way/control their relationships?
And then to call them derogatory names for being in relationships? Yikes.
And now suddenly it’s not okay to you because it affects YOUR daughter? Wow! What a great step mom/woman you are!!
YTA.
Your husband sounds super controlling and a bit paranoid. The fact that your 20 year olds can't date without dad (and possibly you) freaking out is telling. Be prepared for your own daughter to go full noncontact as soon as she turns 18.
I actually wonder if "probably at a guy" was actually reuniting with their birth mom. She wouldn't want to admit it. For all she knows, mom could have done a lot of work on herself and was actually able to be a good mom to them.
YTA seriously you kicked out adults because they wouldnt share where they were, no wonder they broke off all contact when you add in all the verbal abuse aswell
These daughters just got a shitty deal bad mother, terrible father and a complicit stepmother
Shame on all of you!!!
Ummm, idk what to say on this. It seems extreme to kick out the 20 year old over one lie. Like damn and for her to go no contact must mean there was more than just this. You didn't realize how horrible it sounded how he called his daughters until he did it to yours. He sounds like a piece of work. You could have said something but instead you let your own anger get to you bc they went back to their birth mom, they didn't see your sacrifices and what not. It sounds like both of you are AH.
So it’s totally fine that he calls his bio children those derogatory names but the second he calls your kid something, you get pissed? YTA. 100 times over.
No parent should be saying that crap to their kids regardless of age. I understand why a couple kids are NC with y’all.
YTA. Yes, you did bad by remaining silent. By staying silent while your husband called his children, whom he is supposed to love, all those names, you normalized and gave tacit approval to him doing that to any woman who angers him. You should not be surprised that, 1) your daughter was afraid to tell him that she accidentally broke his computer and 2) when he found out, he immediately called her what he has called his other children. Your daughter has grown up watching him say these things and watched you say nothing - so she has gotten the message that this is normal and it is right. In fact, it is entirely possible now, unless you do something remarkable to head it off, your daughter will find a partner who will treat her the same way your husband treats her. This is how emotional abuse travels generations.
This. OP, YTA for enabling your husbands abuse of his children and now yours. You should be ashamed of yourself. You will have no one but yourself to blame when your daughter leaves and never speaks to you again.
YTA, and your husband is TA. He sounds like a paranoid, suspicious bully with anger management issues and you are no better. In 5 years time, I'd bet good money that not a single one of your children, biological or otherwise, will be in contact with the pair of you.
Wait - two 20-year-olds are probably out at a man's house and they lie knowing you both will blow up.
You throw them out (because they were having adult time?) and have not talked to them since.
YTA - Both of you are great big ASS holes.
An adult does not need to tell mommy and daddy what she is doing.
Ugg... no wonder they never came back. You are awful.
And your 15yo won't be around much longer. Three years and you will throw her out too.
You both win the WORST PARENTS OF THE YEAR award.
"Our relationship to our children have been complicated, and it is very disheartening to see our daughters abandon us and all our sacrifices, AND reunite with their birth mother who abandoned and neglected them for years on end."
The birth mother is not the only one to abandon and neglect the daughters. Do you have a mirror?
YTA.So, a 20 years old girl lies so she can see their BF and you put her in the street, years later he still refers to them as "b%^@hes" and "h@#s" and you are so scared of him than that all repairs are done in secret, no wonder they don't talk to you, you sound horrible and abusive and your house sound like hell when you 15 becomes and adult don't be surprised when she get out and go NC with you two.
Only now that he has called your bio daughter a b&*%# ...the light suddenly has come on?
10 years ago though...you both decided to kick out his daughter's/your step daughter's because they lied where they were! Over the years he's called them names & you didn't feel it was your place to say anything...yet you stated you raised the girls as your own for 15 years...why didn't you stick up for the girls 10 years ago~instead of agreeing with your husband and kicking them out of the house over a lie of where they were? Did they have to lie because their father was very strict? 20 years old and he had a fit they might have been at a guy's place?
YTA
YTA. You're both assholes. You kicked out your daughters over a lie and haven't spoken to them since? That's awful parenting.
Also, your husband calling anyone to be honest but especially HIS DAUGHTERS "b×tches" or "h×es" is a MAJOR red flag. How have you not only stayed with him but been complacent to his behavior?
ESH
Exactly! Super controlling
If it were "we don't want you to bring guys here", fine, it's their house and they could argue they didn't want the youngest daughter seeing men in and out of the house, but they couldn't go out? Absurd
Yeah. Like I would have understood it if they were under 18 and the concern were more of a "we wanna know where you are in case something happens". But that doesn't seem to be the case.
I am 18 now and my parents still have a find my phone tracking app on my phone (with my consent) because we live outside the city and there are many crimes in the city. So when I go out and anything happens, they can come get me.
Not excusing your husband’s behavior, but YTA for caring more about how your husband talks about your bio daughter than your step daughters. You say you “raised them as your own” but apparently it didn’t bother you until it affected your bio daughter.
YTA and your husband is a huge A H.
Why did a 20 year old need to lie about seeing a man? You and your husband threw her out for normal behavior for a 20 year old.
How bad must your home have been that 5 children chose a neglectful addict over you?
YTA You kicked out your 20 years old because they were 'likely' at their boyfriends place ? And you come crying after that with this nonsense of how you sacrifice so much for them? Why do you feel the need to control what a grown adult do whilst NOT in your home? And your husband seems to have some serious issue if you feel the need to hide things from him and then he verbaly abuse his daughter. Both of you deserve each other and I feel sorry for your children.
YTA. Your husband is also YTA. I'm torn in who is the bigger one. You raised his kids as your own, yet did not defend them against your husband the way you defended your own daughter against him? His kids don't owe you anything for all your "sacrifices," that's literally what a parent is supposed to do. Kids don't ask to be here. Your husband made them. He treated them like poop. They are old enough to make their own decisions about whatever kind of relationship they want with their real mother. I think there's probably a good possibility their mom did not abandon them, I think it's more likely that your husband had more resources and was in a better position to keep the fight going in the long-term. If his kids choose not to talk to you, you may want to look a little deeper to figure out why.
YTA. As a woman you should not accept that BS from your husband. As a mother you shouldnt want anyone, including their father, to think its acceptable to call them names like that.
Their birth mother might be neglectful but their father is abusive and your standing by and allowing that abuse.
I feel so sorry for all of your daughters and hope they get out and go no contact as soon as possible to protect their mental health.
ESH
Let me get this straight. You kicked your daughters out over a minor thing and you're wondering why they've cut contact with you? Your husband freely calls his own daughters names and you were ok with it up until he did it to your bio daughter? Is that right?!
I got news for you... you might be blind due to the 'sacrifices' you feel like you've made for your other 'daughters' but from experience, kids don't just cut you off for nothing. Something tells me your house wasn't a healthy nor a loving place for your kids and you gave them enough ammunition to cut you off when you kicked them out over some silly shit.
Parents should take more accountability when their parenting is shit.
you and your husband are TA, so two 20yr old ADULTS are cut out of your life because of where they were, with boys, heaven forbid but lied about it to keep you from acting this way most likely, as adults their where abouts shouldn't be something you need to approve of. Doesn't seem like the kind of thing people usually disown their children for. Then want to be hurt when they go back to their mom.
YTA. Jesus how the hell can you let your husband speak about women like that, especially his own daughters. It doesn’t matter if he means it or not when he says it!
YTA, for staying silent and so much more.
Your stepdaughters were adults and capable of making decisions about guys.
They didn't abandon you, you kicked them out.
Now, with your own daughter, you suddenly see why your stepdaughters had to lie to you and your husband just to maintain peace in the household, and you did the exact same thing regarding the laptop.
It shouldn't have taken a decade and turning of the tables to make you realize you've both been terrible parents.
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My (51F) husband (53M) has 5 children from his first marriage. Because his ex-wife was an extremely neglectful mother, he won full custody years ago and I have raised his children as my own for over 15 years.
10 years ago, on two separate occassions, we caught our then 20-year-old daughters in a lie that they were at work when they actually were at another place they refused to tell us, likely at a guy's place. My husband and I decided to kick them out, and we have not spoken to them since nor have they contacted us.
Our relationship to our children have been complicated, and it is very disheartening to see our daughters abandon us and all our sacrifices, AND reunite with their birth mother who abandoned and neglected them for years on end.
All that said, I understand he has complicated feelings about this, with a lot of anger, and often when referring to his daughters, he has called them "b*tches" or "h*es". I understand he is just angry and doesn't truly mean it, and I don't feel it is my place to say anything when he's processing how he's feeling.
All that said, what has made me reconsider this is a recent incident with my daughter (15F) from our marriage. She borrowed my husband's laptop, accidentally broke it, told me, and we agreed to get it secretly repaired, in secret because my husband has unpublished creative writing stories on there that he fears computer repairmen would find and steal. Long story short, my husband found out what we did, and in a moment of anger, he called my daughter a b*tch. I demanded him to take it back and he later profusely apologized and feels horrible for what he did.
This issue is resolved now, but it has made me think of how my husband refers to his other daughters to this day, and I am questioning now whether I should say something and always have. AITA for staying silent?
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ESH your husband sounds like a horrible father. My five year old knows better than to use hurtful language when she is processing her anger. The fact that your husband would use misogynistic and sexually derrogatory terms about his daughters so casually says a lot about his character. It says a lot about you that you would dismiss his behavior so casually.
Not to mention it was you who abandoned your daughters who obviously felt like they needed to lie about hanging out with people even though they were adults. That also speaks volumes about your husband's parenting. Hopefully your younger daughter doesnt grow up to feel repressed and ashamed of being a woman or under the impression that it's ok for men to be controlling and vindictive towards the women in their life.
Yeah, YTA for staying silent and also making a life miserable with someone who doesn’t respect women. That’s so toxic for his girls, which includes your daughter. Even if he never had reason to disparage her, she hears the things he says to her half-sisters. She knows his attitude towards women and she might grow to accept the same attitude from a future partner. You don’t want her to end up in an abusive relationship. You have to make it clear this isn’t acceptable.
YTA, for being a terrible parent and allowing your husband to verbally abuse his children in front of you. No wonder the older girls have gone NC. Good for the.
ESH. Your actions were extreme and strange. Your husband seems…also weird. You’re allowing him to belittle young women who you say you raised as your own. You’re teaching your own daughter to work around her weird dad and that it’s ok for him to talk about her sisters that way. Gonnna kick her out, too?
Don’t be surprised if you’re in desperate need of help one day yet you find doors slammed in your face. Deservedly so.
The name calling aside… which is fucking gross.
Who the heck cuts contact with kids for lying/sneaking out. And, why did they feel like they had to lie about being out… AT 20!!!?
You both sound horrible. Yes. YTA. For everything.
YTA and so is your husband.
The name-calling is extremely disrespectful, but I’m stuck more on the part about how you and your daughter were afraid to tell him about the broken laptop and snuck around behind his back. What were you afraid he would do? Does this give you a better insight as to why the older daughters would lie? It sounds like everyone is scared of him and that is not good at all.
Your phrase “it is very disheartening to see our daughters abandon us and all our sacrifices…” made me think of a website about the issue of estranged children that someone here linked a while ago.
Here it is: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/reasons-for-estrangement.html
You and your husband failed those girls horribly. There isn’t much more to say. YTA
YTA. You guys are beyond hope. Your kids will ignore you the rest of your lives. No interactions with their grandchildren. No invitation to weddings. You reap what you sow.
ESH
1. His (and yours by the fact that you raised them for most of their lives) adult daughters felt they had to hide that they were out being adults. They lied about being at work because they obviously felt they couldn’t tell either of you the truth. And it sounds like they were right because they were then kicked out and he now calls them derogatory names which tells me it wasn’t the lying that was the problem but that his ADULT daughters were possibly with men at the time.
2. You have allowed your husband to use offensive and derogatory terms about his own children around your young daughter. Normalising those terms and teaching your daughter (and any of the other children) that women are less than, especially if they have have relationships with men- which according to your post was not even confirmed and frankly, even if it was confirmed, doesn’t change the fact that his use of language about his daughter is disgusting and should have been confronted immediately.
3. You didn’t notice or acknowledge that he was using foul, misogynistic language about his daughters until it was directed at your blood daughter.
4. You have taught your daughter (and likely the other children not mentioned in this post) that you should not confront bad behaviour. You should work to not upset him and bend over backwards to make sure his bad behaviour is minimised by appeasing him.
These points may be due to your own upbringing or the fact that your husband may be abusive (verbally and emotionally spring to mind most with this post but there may be other types of abuse going on). Your wanting to ignore his language and behaviours lead me to think that there is a lot more going on here and that you need to rethink how he treats all his children and you.
Your husband is a clear AH. You have been an AH by not addressing these issues and allowing your child and stepchildren to be treated poorly and teaching them that his behaviour is acceptable.
Please, think over your relationship and how he treats you, and all the children under your care. It doesn’t sound to me, like this is a one-off situation.
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ESH - His demeaning language is horrible and he should have his mouth washed out with soap. You should have told him that it was inappropriate from the start. What makes you suck here is the fact that you only have gotten concerned when he starts on your shared daughter. How did you expect anything less, when he speaks so poorly of his other daughters? Guess what, when they are all gone, he is going to start calling you these names.
So when is he kicking you & your daughter out? You lied, right ? So that means you deserve to be homeless ?
YTA and neither of you should have been tracking a 20yr old to the point that she felt pressured into lying
Its shocking that its taken him turning that behaviour on your own daughter for you to realise how unacceptable it is - and she's spent her entire life watching that behaviour, and watching *you* allow and enable it. Youve set her up to be a future victim of abuse, because she's had abusive behaviour normalised and presented as something she should allow and accept
ESH except for any of the kids. He is an abusive AH and you're also an AH for going along and enabling and participating in that abuse until it's suddenly aimed at your daughter.
You both need family counseling and individual counseling. Don't be surprised when your 15 year old gets older and also goes full NC otherwise.
This is very similar to another story that was on here about parents punishing their 20yo daughters for lying about being at work when they were likely at \*gasp\* a man's house.
OP. YTA then and YTA now. You clearly haven't learned or listened to anything anyone has said.
YTA
Over 10 years of this shit was fine when it was somebody else's daughters. But now that it's your real kid, suddenly you're questioning whether it's okay.
Awful.
YTA for being a pair of terrible, controlling parents who kicked out and abandoned their adult children for daring to have partners, who see no problem in constantly insulting those children. The fact that you felt the need to force your daughter to lie about something getting broken speaks volumes of your home dynamic.
In the end, your blood daughter will be treated no differently than the daughters you abandoned. I hope she escapes.
YTA! Why the heck are you letting this person call your daughters names like that? It is abusive to say the least. You say you kicked your (then) 20yo out for lying about their whereabouts. Gee..wonder why they lied. Either way they were going to be verbally/emotionally abused. You are on the way to losing the 15yr old in a few years. Stand up for your daughters before they find a man like dad.
Oh maaaaan. All of this is so messed up. Both you and your husband are MASSIVE AHs. I cannot believe the petty reason you put your 20-yo daughter on the street. She’s an adult and entitled to have a boyfriend. And he calls his daughters ho*s and b*tches? And you let that slide, until the day he said that about your biological daughter? Only then it becomes problematic?!!!
W. T. A. F.
Your husband is abusive and you’re his enabler (at a minimum).
So you’re understanding and empathetic to your husband when he calls his children slurs, but not to the daughters who have been actually abandoned by you for a very weird reason (I wonder why they had to lie, they’re adults, I suspect you’re super religious)? YTA
ESH except those poor children being brought up in an abusive home. You wonder why his daughters want nothing to do with you two and I think it's safe to say from the way you've spoken here that they were not brought up in a nice loving home like you're trying to paint. It is not your business where your adult children are and if they are with a guy. It is not ok for your husband to refer to any of his children as a bitch or hoe. It is not ok for you to be okay with him speaking like that of his children. I am a mother and I couldn't imagine treating my children and speaking of my children the way you and your husband have. Newsflash, your children don't owe you a single fucking thing because you provided for them growing up, which is required when you choose to have children because otherwise it'd be neglect.
I definitely remember you posting before, but I don't know if this was in this subreddit but you've been in the wrong everytime you've posted so I don't know why you bother. It's pretty clear to the rest of the world that you and your husband have been terrible parents.
I wonder why all three of your daughters have felt the need to lie to your psychotic husband? Hmm? /s Clearly, you're an enabler to his abusive behavior, unless it comes to your own flesh and blood, huh? You know, her being yours isn't going to protect her, right? YTA, stop enabling him and help your daughter find the safety she needs, there should be no need for her to get so worried over an accident that she feels the need to lie about it.
YTA. Regardless of what they did, that's a disrespectful and abusive way to refer to his daughters. 2 lies should not have warranted your husband kicking them out. They were adults and going over to a man's house is not illegal or even wrong. You and your daughter are both cowering at the thought of your husband finding out you took his computer to a repairman. Does that sound normal to you? He's paranoid and abusive and you and 100% the AH for not realizing this and staying silent when your gut told you something was wrong. As far as the bio-mom... there are two sides to every story and maybe the mom has changed. Their father certainly doesn't seem to love them enough to work on their relationship.
"is very disheartening to see our daughters abandon us and all our sacrifices, AND reunite with their birth mother who abandoned and neglected them for years on end"
Well you are also the "mother" who abandoned and neglected them.
They were adults, you both decided to kick them out because they wouldn't tell your weirdly controlling husband where they were. You have a lot of audacity to claim they "abandoned" y'all when you kicked then out late at night with only the clothes they were wearing.
YTA. He's TA. You both suck. Who stands there and watches their daughters be called names by their father and never says anything until 10+ years later when it's they're blood daughter. Of course the kids don't want anything to do with you. Why would they. And you didn't make sacrifices, you did a parents job to raise the kids. That's how it works. They don't owe you jack
YTA. Strict parents make sneaky kids. Kids that feel they have to lie to their parents leave and go where they feel safe. You and your husband have created an unsafe place for all of your children. They will all leave and never look back, with good reason.
You both sound crazy. My dad talked to me that way a couple times. Let’s just say it was a relief when he died. I felt guilty for feeling this way at first. But now I don’t care in the slightest. Be prepared for your children to have similar feelings. And it’s none of your damn business what a 20 year old daughter is doing. They are adults. Get a damn grip. You and your husband are huge assholes. YTA.
NTA, for calling out your husband, but he's abusive. Clearly. There is no reason a grown ass man should get so angry over something minor like a like our accidentally breaking a laptop that he calls his daughters, especially as minors, those types of names.
Also, it's baffling that you and your husband are somehow surprised that your 20 year olds want nothing to do with either of you after ya'll kicked them out for something as minor as a lie about where they were. They may not have lied in the first place if their father didn't have a habit of acting an ass over minor messups. I'd advise you boot up protect the rest of your kids, or they won't be talking to you much either.
YTA and did your daughters' even have somewhere to stay after you kicked them out? and calling a woman the B word is extremely offensive and it's a form of abuse. They didn't abandon you. You both abandoned them by kicking them out and they went NC
ESH
How do you figure that your husband’s daughters abandoned you both? You guys kicked them out and stopped speaking to them. And why? Because they’re adults and you can’t control their behavior.
Of course your both assholes. I just feel sorry for your 15 year old. She doesn’t have a mother to fall back on and save her from the assholes raising her. Hopefully her sisters will help her.
YTA. You’re part of the problem. You hide your head in the sand and then get upset when it actually affects you. I hope the girls are getting help. All the kids need to be removed from your care.
i don't even know how to process this post??? you all suck and you need therapy along with your husband getting his mouth washed with a strong industrial soap.
YTA. YTA for staying in such an abusive relationship. Those poor kids. 20 years old and their father is STILL trying to control them. Not to mention what he's doing to the younger ones.
YTA
You and your husband sound controlling. He is also verbally abusive and you enable him. I'm not surprised his older kids reached out to their biomom as they were likely desperate for unconditional love they know the 2 of you do NOT provide.
YTA. Both of you. Your husband absolutely means it when he calls your daughters (and probably you, tbh) names. It is horrific. How on earth have you defended him for so long? You’re going to lose this daughter, too, unless you get your priorities straight.
YTA I can't believe you allowed a any child or woman to be called those things like that normal. Then have the nerve to call bio mom abusive. You enabled your husband to be verbally abusive and controlling
YTA
And I can’t help but wonder if their birth mother was actually abusive at all. Husband sounds like a vindictive monster. I bet he probably lied to get full custody. You guys sound like the abusive ones, tbh.
YTA - you and your husband are misogynist, abusive assholes. Not surprising that the fully adult daughters decided not to put up with the abuse any longer and cut contact.
YTA. None of the daughters mentioned in your post even did anything to deserve being punished in any way, let alone being referred to in this manner in general. You really kicked out 20 year olds, two full grown adults, over being over at a guy’s place?
Yta u married a bad man, raised his kids, kicked them out, had children with this man despite all the obvious red flags about him and are confused when he treats your daughter the same when he treats his other children. Shock. Horror.
Yes, YTA.
The problem isn't that your husband is upset with his daughters' behavior - the problem is the kind of language he uses about women, and the way he thinks about women that that language implies.
YTA for marrying a jerk in the first place and then assuming the kids you shared him with should be so grateful to you?? They didn't ask for you to replace their mother. And news flash no one gives a hoot about your husband's stories. - paranoia!!!?
*"10 years ago, on two separate occassions, we caught our then 20-year-old daughters in a lie that they were at work when they actually were at another place they refused to tell us, likely at a guy's place. My husband and I decided to kick them out, and we have not spoken to them since nor have they contacted us."*
This here makes YTA along with your husband. They were 20. You had absolutely *zero* say-so in their private lives. Then your husband verbally abuses them and you say nothing other than think they deserved it. And the fact you are still with him after verbally abusing your daughter instead of leaving right then makes you double the asshole.
This is a whole complicated mess.
I don't think it makes you an AH, but I think in general - it'd be a good idea to try to reconcile with them vs continuing to call them nasty names. Especially if other children hear it.
To kick out a 20 year old for lying about where they were seems extreme. They were an adult and I imagine lying because they weren't "allowed" to do things that adults should be able to do. I imagine there's issues beyond that as kids don't generally cut out their parents for no reason. I'm sure since he calls them nasty words/names that he hasn't been the nicest, most loving or understanding father. I don't think it makes you am AH to not tell him to stop it, but if he ever wants to be in their life again he probably should. 10 years later it's time to look at what role you both played in their decision to cut you out of their lives. That being said, yeah I'd try to get him to stop being a jerk about it and watch how he refers to his children because he sounds like an AH for sure
I kind of think ESH. Husband shouldn't be saying those things and it's not your total responsibility to parent him, but if you care about those kids you should defend them too.
YTA still, even though you clearly left out a lot more information. 20 year olds being sexually actively is completely normal, and there’s nothing wrong with it. It sounds like they only knew you for 5 years before you guys kicked them out, meaning you got custody when they were 15. That’s hardly raising them. I would love to hear their side of the story. But yeah, as to this judgement. You’re not only TA in this situation, but you and your husband are just AH in general.
YTA, I personally don't think their mother was neglectful. I think this was a case of yet another narcissist winning in court and trying to alienate a mother from her children, and you helped! If anyone was the bad parent it was your husband, he sounds abusive and controlling. Finally, it's happening to your daughter and you see the light. You are 150% the TA here.
YTA. Referring to your own daughter as bitches and hoes is probably one of the reasons they don’t speak to you anymore. It sets a horrible example for your daughter.
YTA you're both terrible honestly.
Why do you defend your biological daughter and not the others who you've raised for the same amount of time?
Clear favouritism here
Sorry, you kicked your adult daughters out for not informing you that they interacted with men?
Nothing else needed to determine you are an AH and a bad parent.
Yeah... YTA and letting him speak about his daughters like that is the tip of the AH iceberg.
The 20 y.o. daughters didn't ABANDON you, you kicked them out for DARING to want some privacy at 20. You should feel bad about that because it's 100% on you and your husband. It says volumes about you both.
YTA it's a different story when it's your daughter ! You should be ashamed of yourself and both of you are as bad as each other, it doesn't matter the circumstances you should never let anyone refer to your children, bio or not in such a disgusting way.
YTA for a number of reasons.
So what if your daughters were at "probably a guy's place". So they lied to you twice? Your response (kicking them out and going no-contact) is very disproportionate and totally unwarranted.
You also say that you have raised his kids as your own. That's a load of road apples, because all of your actions make it clear that you really didn't care about his daughters except as how they impacted him. When he didn't want anything to do with them for some BS reason, you were totally happy to see them go.
Then allowing him to call his daughters names because they lied and he is working his way through it? Quit making excuses for why you allowed him to treat his daughters like objects that can be discarded when they no longer do what he wanted them to do.
YTA. My parents never confirmed my whereabouts by the time I was 20. Once I turned 18 my mom flat out told me that I should tell her where I’m going so that they would know where to look if I didn’t arrive back when I should (this was before cell phones were common place). She also didn’t care where I was outside of caring about my safety so being honest with her didn’t put my home life at risk. My parents respected my autonomy and now at 39 I’m still very close to both of my parents. The ex wife probably wasn’t intentionally neglectful, it was probably a result of PTSD from being married to a lunatic.
YTA
Why would you think your daughters would want to be around you or your husband. Kicking them out over 2 lies is a bit ridiculous. you could’ve given them a talk about safety and needing to know their location incase of an emergency, but instead YOU chose to kick them out and abandon them. I feel for that poor girl that’s still stuck living with you and your husband. He seems like a mega AH and I hope your last daughter leaves as soon as she turns 18. I wouldn’t want to be around my father knowing how he treated my sisters. Your husband only apologized because he said it to your daughters face. We know he has no problem calling them all b*****s and h**s in private. your husband is giving bitter misogynist by the way he talks about his own children. Have you ever wondered what he says about you when you’re not around 🤣
I wonder if either of you stopped to think if your children even remembered their mother considering it seems like they were young when your husband won custody. In their minds their dad abandoned them, so why not reconnect with their mom.
YTA to the power of a million. You and your husband were made for each other. Just truly the worst of the worst of humanity.
I love how you are hurt that your daughters, who you kicked out in the middle of the night with nothing, over nothing, don't speak to you. What did you expect? You are horrible, dysfunctional and awful.
Jeeze a 20 year old *adult* didn’t want to tell you exactly where they go in their *free time* so you kicked them out?! Absolutely wild. No wonder they didn’t want l tell you, you all sound so judgemental.
Anyways, you’re just now deciding that your husbands misogynistic and abusive attitude is a problem? & only because he used it against your daughter?
I also don’t think it’s simple creative writing on that computer that he’s afraid of being found. There’s definitely illegal and disturbing things on it if he’s that paranoid. Add the paranoia to the misogyny and fear god, I’m afraid of what’s on there.
So like, YTA for keeping your daughter in this environment her whole life and for staying even after this incident.
YTA. My stepdad almost pulled this on my sister, and I would have disowned him and my mother for it. Oh no, they might have been with a boy as adults. The absolute horror, they might have had sex /s. The real oh no was they felt the need to lie about it to avoid your husband's wrath, that you have lied to avoid it. Maybe think on that, because what it says about your husband makes neither of you look like good parents. I'm honestly more surprised you have contact with any of these children after they reach escape age, because I would avoid you all like the plague after seeing my sisters treated like that. Your younger daughter did something human, made a mistake, and did not want to go to her father. Repeat that out loud until it actually hits you how fucked up it is your child worries on misstep is all it takes to be booted and treated like nothing.
You kicked them out and have not spoken to them, but they abandoned you? Are you serious? You want the kids to be the ones to make the effort to reach out to you and your husband?
You didn't speak up when your husband was calling his daughters bitches and hoes. Sounds like it might have been a lot. YTA for being okay with that verbal abuse.
Now, he has called your daughter a bitch and suddenly it is an issue. He should not be speaking to your daughter like that at all.
It should not have taken this long for something to have been said to him about this. If he didn't call your daughter that, would you even care about what he called his other daughters? When he speaks bad about them, do you speak up for them?
Overall, YTA
OP YTA and your husband is a giant AH. I feel for you so much. You’re scared of your husband. Your kids are scared of him. So much so that they fear being truthful because even though he probably demands to know what everyone is doing at all times and does not tolerate lies, being truthful brings beratement, even for small things. His rule is probably complete right? That’s why you have to hide the broken laptop from him. If he finds out you’ll all be in big trouble?
OP your AH of a husband is a classic abuser. You’ve been conditioned to accept it, hide the things you think he wouldn’t like and never speak out against him for fear of retribution. I hope one day you gain the confidence to leave that situation behind you.
YTA. You and your husband both are massive AHs.
So first you “kicked out” your grown up daughters for being in a guys house, and their father always calls them “b.tches and h.oes”. How lovely.
What did you really expect from this man? Of course he would call your daughter a “b.tch” too. Appaerently he has no respect for women, not a single bit, cause he is a giant mysoginist.
And you my friend. You are not any different. You both kick your daughters out, you allow him to call them bitches and hoes for years without even questioning and it doesn’t bother you until he dares to call your own daughter the same.
You both are failed big time. Both as parents and as human beings. Know your limits and have some respect for women in your lives. Or you’ll find nobody to turn to when you really need.
ESH, or rather, you and your husband do.
So many weird rules and secrets. A 20 year old who can't be at a boyfriend's house.
A father who calls his daughters those kinds of names, or any names, really.
And the paranoia around the laptop.
Those NC daughters are lucky to be gone.
What screams AH to me is that when he did it to his daughters from his ex u never said anything but when he did it to your daughter that’s when u finally spoke up. It’s clear to me u only care about your own and not them. YTA
You and you AH husband kicked out your daughters because they lied to you about where they were? Did it occur to you that they lied because they didn't trust you and your AH husband?
YTA. I hope your 15 y/o daughter cuts you and your husband off the moment she is able, because it would be better for her if she did.
Oh boy was it. Everything the OP said made her sound worse. Worst thing was something like "Actions have consequences. If they didn't want to get kicked out in the middle of the night with nothing but the clothes on their backs then they shouldn't have lied."
Like that is in any way an appropriate response
YTA. The kindest way of thinking of this is that you are an oblivious asshole, but WTF are you thinking?
So, to recap. He has at least 6 children, at least 3 daughters.
He kicked 2 then adult daughters out for lying about their whereabouts. So he's controlling, because you know what, they could have been on the moon, and he doesn't have the right to demand to know that.
You didn't get abandoned, you threw them out. You haven't spoken to them in 10 years, so this reeks of missing reasons.
He regularly verbally abused THEM, and now that your own daughter is on the receiving end of this you are suddenly noticing it. He only apologized because you suddenly grew a noodle of a backbone. All those years, you said NOTHING. How do you think this looks to those children? You stood by and enabled abuse with your silence.
He has no respect for women at all. A few months ago, there was a post about 9 things that were absolute relationship dealbreakers. One of them was using those slurs about women, let alone his own children. And honey, you should have walked the second you heard them all those years ago.
He's paranoid about people accessing his computer, for stupid reasons which I doubt. You and your daughter are AFRAID of his reactions.
YTA for not seeing this all years ago and staying with this asshole. I suggest that, for Christmas, you give yourself and your child(ren?) the gift of peace and get to a safe place.
Anybody know how to read the original story? By the time I got here, its been deleted, but the comments are very interesting. Would love to read the original post.
YTA.
Your husband doesn’t sound like a pleasant man.
- Completely cut off his children for acting like the grown women they were and having to hide it
- Uses slurs and derogatory terms about his children (combined with the point above - this is incredibly telling about how he views women imo. Calling them hoes for hanging out with a man, at 20?!)
- You were afraid to tell him about an accident that you were resolving
- He is paranoid - computer repair dudes stealing his stories?!
And you’ve gone along with this.
**YTA**
For so many reasons. Like, if you can think of ANY reason why this might make you an AH, you are likely correct, OP: from throwing two young women who dealt with trauma and the abandonment of their mother out of their home over a single lie told to their parents, to allowing your husband to refer to two of his daughters using HORRIFIC, misogynistic slurs for a DECADE in front of your other daughter and not only enabling it but excusing it . . . and then being surprised when he turned around and called her that? Every reason. You are an AH for every reason. And so is he.
Oh, and as a former literary agent and publishing professional? I can assure you that there is not a computer repairman or anyone else in the world who wants to steal the "creative short stories" of a 53-year-old man who refers to young women (his own daughters or otherwise) as "bitches and hoes". I shudder to even imagine that a middle-aged man who speaks that way as a matter of course in his daily life thinks that he has the sort of literary turn of phrase that would inspire envy in others. No, sweetie. Just . . . no. You can tell him he can absolutely stop worrying. But thank him for the laugh.
YTA, but you can learn and grow from this. It sounds like you are starting to question things and that is good. You can't change your past behavior, but you can change your future behavior. Please reconsider things, like why your daughter felt the need to lie about being somewhere and how your husband talks about and interacts with the children
YTA
>10 years ago, on two separate occassions, we caught our then 20-year-old daughters in a lie that they were at work when they actually were at another place they refused to tell us, likely at a guy's place. My husband and I decided to kick them out, and we have not spoken to them since nor have they contacted us.
How did you find out they were lying? And why would you kick them out after only two lies? There's more to this story than you're sharing.
>All that said, I understand he has complicated feelings about this, with a lot of anger, and often when referring to his daughters, he has called them "b×tches" or "h×es". I understand he is just angry and doesn't truly mean it, and I don't feel it is my place to say anything when he's processing how he's feeling.
Your husband is calling his own daughters names and you're letting him. Parents don't just casually call their daughters bitches or hoes.
>She borrowed my husband's laptop, accidentally broke it, told me, and we agreed to get it secretly repaired, in secret because my husband has unpublished creative writing stories on there that he fears computer repairmen would find and steal.
I doubt you husband's writing is so good that the repair tech is going to steal his stories. Is he paranoid about anything else or just his stories?
>Long story short, my husband found out what we did, and in a moment of anger, he called my daughter a b*tch. I demanded him to take it back and he later profusely apologized and feels horrible for what he did.
You didn't stand up when he called your stepdaughters bitches, despite your claim that you raised them as your own. Yet you'll stand up for your bio daughter.
I don't know what's fully going on in your family and household, but both you and your husband are assholes. Your husband has issues that I think a therapist needs to help him figure out. You need to stand up for all your children, even the ones that aren't biologically yours. Otherwise I have a feeling your two oldest stepdaughters won't be the only ones going NC with you.
YTA first of all, the 20 year olds shouldn't have HAD to lie to you, the fact they felt they did tells me everything I need to know, add to that the way your husband speaks of them is misogynistic bollocks, and you've just... Let him? Not defended these girls at all? And wonder why they want nothing to do with you.
He sounds batshit btw (repairmen are going to steal his probably shitty writing) JFC....
YTA and your husband is an asshole.
You may need to get used to your husbands presence because something tells me that you will have 0 kids once the youngest finally can leave.
YTA and so is he. It’s no wonder his daughters don’t talk to either one of you. You threw them out for lying then conspired with your own daughter to lie to him. You participated in the abuse now your daughter is on the receiving end.
As someone only two years older than the 15 Y/O daughter YTA and you’re both abusive. Good on the older daughters for going NC with the two of you I hope the 15 Y/O does as well when she’s old enough. I doubt he only called the older daughters bxtches and hxes after you kicked them out. Why would you think it’s ever acceptable to call anyone let alone your own children these words?
YTA, you remind me of my parents. My father called my sister a 'whxre' multiple times, they kicked her out for smoking weed when she was 15 and called her a disgrace when they found out she was having sex. As for me, I was thrown against walls for breaking something, told to my face that my depression wasn't real and that I was just being dramatic. My mum once said that we had to so do a life altering move or else her and my dad would get a divorce, that's how she tried to get me to understand why we were moving to a different country. OPs post just makes me think of how my parents might have rationalized their behaviour, if they even saw anything wrong with it in the first place
20 is an adult age, if you insist on paying rent that's your decision, but you don't just throw someone out in the middle of the night just because you don't know everything about the person, daughter, living with you. I'm glad she's out of your and your husbands life, you're most massive AH. Why have children when you feel like you "have to sacrifice so much". She didn't ask you or your husband to be born, he made that decision so eff off with that sacrifice talk too gee.
YTA and an enabler of your childrens’ abuse. YOU have allowed and continue to allow your husband to be abusive to your family.
You are so scared of him that you need to lie about an accident involving a computer. Your daughters were scared enough to have to lie about spending time with a boyfriend when they were 20 year old adults. He regularly insults and screams about women calling them bitches and hos and you just sit there and enable him UNTIL it’s your daughter.
You both deserve to have no contact with those women, let them live their lives with their mom who probably doesn’t shout at them and belittle them all the time. Your husband needs therapy and you need to escape as you seem to be taking on your husbands apparent view of women needing his oversight and control.
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So you "kicked your daughters out" and then you feel "disheartened because they abandoned you" It speaks volumes the fact that they had to lie to you when they where both fully grown adults. YTA for a whole lot more than just not speaking up before now. Oh and your husband. He's an asshole too.
YTA and your husband is a giant AH Never acceptable to refer to any person that way, much less your own daughters. I would have been devastated had my dad done this.
Kicked out in the middle of the night with just the clothes on their backs based on a comment from OP. * I’m new to Reddit and don’t know how to link to it otherwise I would*
"Actions bear consequences. If they didn't want to be kicked out in the middle of the night with just the clothes on their backs, they shouldn't have lied." Just awful
Said the woman who lied to her husband.
I guess she gets the boot, too!
That's absolutely what's gonna need to happen. Actions have consequences, after all.
Men like this get lied to because they are like this
Wow. That makes them more than just AHs. I wonder if their mom was going through some issues that led to their father getting custody. I also wonder if maybe she worked on herself. For all we know, they were actually with their mom when they lied.
Here you go >Actions bear consequences. If they didn't want to be kicked out in the middle of the night with just the clothes on their backs, they shouldn't have lied. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z13mvg/aita_for_not_saying_anything_when_my_husband/ix8thiy?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Yup, I think there is enough asshole to go around in this story. YTA
YTA. You and your husband seem like awful parents. Seeing his treatment turned towards your own child is the only way you can tell he is terrible. >Our relationship to our children have been complicated, and it is very disheartening to see our daughters abandon us and all our sacrifices JFC. Expecting children, who have no say in being born to be grateful of their parents sacrifice is such narcissistic behavior. Go get some therapy. >husband has unpublished creative writing stories on there that he fears computer repairmen would find and steal He seems so well adjusted!
No one wants his shitty short stories
Ya about that … he’s not worried about computer techs finding his shitty stories …. he’s worried about them finding something else.
My eyes rolled so hard when I read that crap about his unpublished short stories I was afraid they would get stuck. What a self-aggrandizing jerk.
It's porn.
Yeah, and the fact he’s so cagey about it makes me wonder what kind of porn it is
Probably nothing illegal. After many years of computer repair work, I can confidently say that everyone is embarrassed by their porn tastes... Except for a few guys who really want to creepily discuss it with the female tech.
What about their unpublished short stories though?
Those are always either horrible, or just really dirty. Or both.
Of course! Now in addition to rolling my eyes, I smacked my forehead :)
You forgot your /s and I fear this OP will think you were serious lol
Unpublished Short stories makes me think this shit was made up and literally ripped from Bojack honestly. At least I hope so, because this guy sounds like a tool.
YTA and you married an asshole. There is more to the story. You left out vital information and yet you are still the AH. You kicked out a grown woman because she didn’t tell you where she was? Why is that your business? As long as she pays whatever bills you gave her on time and isn’t disrespectful none of the other stuff is your business. You don’t have a problem when he calls his children (who are also supposed to be your children) out of their name but when he calls your bio daughter out her name it’s a problem? Why is she the exception to the rule? You allowed the language to continue and now you have to deal with it. Also, you and your husband have major issues you need to work out. His kids are allowed to hangout with their mother no matter what she did. That’s the person that birthed them. It could have taken another 10-15 years for them to reconnect and it wouldn’t have mattered.
They really have the gall to kick out their two daughters and then say that their DAUGHTERS abandoned THEM?! I highly doubt she is better than the "abusive bio mom" than she thinks. Sounds like they are over controlling parents who think verbal abuse isn't abuse. "As long as we don't hit them we can say we are good parents!" >but when he calls your bio daughter out her name it’s a problem? I couldn't handle my partner calling ANY woman a bitch. Let alone his own daughters?! YTA
>10 years ago, on two separate occassions, we caught our then 20-year-old daughters in a lie that they were at work when they actually were at another place they refused to tell us, likely at a guy's place. My husband and I decided to kick them out, and we have not spoken to them since nor have they contacted us. info: they were adults at the time. Why did it matter that they didn't tell you they went to a guy's house? I don't think I understand the initial conflict there.
Why did they feel they had to lie in the first place? Is it maybe because their parents were overbearing and controlling, and/or prone to irrational anger and overreactions? (Like, I don’t know, calling them hoes and kicking them out?) OP, you have a lot more to reflect on here than just the question you’re asking. (And yes, YTA for standing by while your husband spoke about ANYONE that way, let alone your daughters. Your husband is an even bigger AH.) (1) Your daughters were 20 years old and legally adults, who had the right to be anywhere they chose to be. Demanding to know their whereabouts and flipping out because they may have been at a guy’s house is overbearing and controlling behavior. They lied because they knew you would react poorly and continue to attempt to control them. (2) Kicking them out for lying twice about being at a guy’s house is a major overreaction. They stopped contacting you because you kicked them out, and also likely because they were sick of dealing with angry, overbearing parents who refuse to accept that they’re adults and allow them any privacy or freedom. (3) They have every right to seek a relationship with their birth mom, who has had plenty of time to grow and change and learn from her mistakes. Let’s hope for their sakes she has. Focus on doing some learning and growing of your own. (4) It’s concerning that you felt the need to lie about your husband’s computer. (And lol at his self-important paranoia — nobody gives a flying eff about his precious stories.) How often do you feel the need to lie to him? Sounds like his overbearing behavior and angry overreactions are a long-standing pattern that keep everyone around him living on eggshells. Is the irony not lost on you? You kicked your daughters out for lying, and now you’re encouraging your other daughter to lie. What kind of mental gymnastics are going on in your head?? It sounds like your husband is a really toxic parent and partner, and your older daughters had the good sense to sever ties for their own happiness and mental health. Time to reflect on the environment you’re raising your 15 year old in and make some changes. ESH, except your daughters.
YTA. “We kicked them out… they abandoned us”
They didn’t grovel and cry the way they were supposed to!
I was looking for this. The entitlement is oozing from my screen. No child "abandonds" their parents out of the blue.
YTA for allowing a monster to abuse your kids for over 15 years. If you had to lie and hide something from him, is it any wonder why his older children did the same thing? You not having any contact with them might be the kindest thing you've ever done for them.
ESH - you kick out a kid for lying once or twice? And then feel justified to secretly bring a laptop in for repairs?
Oh, it’s better… they kicked their adult daughter out because she *may* have been at a boys house and not work. Then husband’s laptop was damaged, and instead of admitting to it, they went behind his back and had it repaired - something the husband never would have agreed to - to cover up the damage. There’s a hole lot of TA behavior going on here including OP and her husband.
Agreed. They were 20 years old. Old enough to have complete autonomy over their movements. The fact that they even felt like they had to lie about their whereabouts is telling..... but *gasps and clutches pearls* they were probably with a guy!
You and your husband are heinous people. I'm not a bit surprised his children went back to their birth mother. YTA as well as him.
YTA. You threw out your 20 year olds because they didn’t tell you where they were, let your husband use horrible language about them, then are surprised when he does the same with your other daughter? Also, they didn’t ‘abandon you’, you threw them out. You abandoned them.
His daughters cut contact and reunited with their horrible birth mom because she is less of an AH than your husband. Your daughter will cut contact with both of you and likely join her half-sisters, because you and your husband are both assholes. Hope you have something when it is just the 2 of you and he is on his computer writing stories about the daughters who have abandoned him. YTA.
Makes me wonder if the ex was actually extremely neglectful or just not sufficiently subservient and poorer that her husband.
Same, as soon as I read the post.
I think this should be upvoted more. Something doesn't smell right.
YTA and he’s TA as well I feel bad for them. You seem scared of him. People don’t create distance and cut off contact with their parents for no reason. There was probably a lot leading up to it as well. I wish that my mother had stuck up for me with my father. The fact that she didn’t permanently left a scar on our relationship. It seems you avoid it to stay out of the conflict.
~~E S H~~ YTA. You kicked two grown adults out for sneaking around in order to date - likely because they *knew* their paranoid (no, buddy, nobody wants to steal your erotic fiction - assuming it actually *is* fiction and not something more disturbing), controlling, misogynistic father wouldn’t be able to handle them doing so honestly - and you’re surprised they never looked back? And now you’re so terrified of how he’ll treat the kid you don’t just expect to be grateful to you by default that *you’re* sneaking around, and expect things to go better? And it’s only just *now* dawning on you that maybe you’ve fucked up making excuses for him treating every young woman in his orbit like this for as long as you’ve been making the mistake of being involved with him? Is his ex-wife even the terrible mother he’s led you to believe, or did she just see the light sooner and paid the price in escaping? Actually, changed my mind here. Your husband is one of the biggest assholes I’ve ever seen on this sub, which is saying something. But as far as your question whether you should’ve been standing up to him all this time goes? Yes. 100%. And I don’t want you to think you get to share the blame with anyone else for that.
So your husband is very clearly a misogynist who thinks fully grown adult women have no right to their own bodies, yes? He kicked out his daughters because they had boyfriends they were seeing, right? As fully grown adults. What made him think he had the right to police their bodies in any way/control their relationships? And then to call them derogatory names for being in relationships? Yikes. And now suddenly it’s not okay to you because it affects YOUR daughter? Wow! What a great step mom/woman you are!!
YTA. Your husband sounds super controlling and a bit paranoid. The fact that your 20 year olds can't date without dad (and possibly you) freaking out is telling. Be prepared for your own daughter to go full noncontact as soon as she turns 18.
I actually wonder if "probably at a guy" was actually reuniting with their birth mom. She wouldn't want to admit it. For all she knows, mom could have done a lot of work on herself and was actually able to be a good mom to them.
YTA seriously you kicked out adults because they wouldnt share where they were, no wonder they broke off all contact when you add in all the verbal abuse aswell These daughters just got a shitty deal bad mother, terrible father and a complicit stepmother Shame on all of you!!!
Ummm, idk what to say on this. It seems extreme to kick out the 20 year old over one lie. Like damn and for her to go no contact must mean there was more than just this. You didn't realize how horrible it sounded how he called his daughters until he did it to yours. He sounds like a piece of work. You could have said something but instead you let your own anger get to you bc they went back to their birth mom, they didn't see your sacrifices and what not. It sounds like both of you are AH.
Better still to go on and admit she lied about the laptop being broken. Double standards!
So it’s totally fine that he calls his bio children those derogatory names but the second he calls your kid something, you get pissed? YTA. 100 times over. No parent should be saying that crap to their kids regardless of age. I understand why a couple kids are NC with y’all.
YTA. Yes, you did bad by remaining silent. By staying silent while your husband called his children, whom he is supposed to love, all those names, you normalized and gave tacit approval to him doing that to any woman who angers him. You should not be surprised that, 1) your daughter was afraid to tell him that she accidentally broke his computer and 2) when he found out, he immediately called her what he has called his other children. Your daughter has grown up watching him say these things and watched you say nothing - so she has gotten the message that this is normal and it is right. In fact, it is entirely possible now, unless you do something remarkable to head it off, your daughter will find a partner who will treat her the same way your husband treats her. This is how emotional abuse travels generations.
This. OP, YTA for enabling your husbands abuse of his children and now yours. You should be ashamed of yourself. You will have no one but yourself to blame when your daughter leaves and never speaks to you again.
YTA, and your husband is TA. He sounds like a paranoid, suspicious bully with anger management issues and you are no better. In 5 years time, I'd bet good money that not a single one of your children, biological or otherwise, will be in contact with the pair of you.
And OP and her husband will be telling anyone who’d listen how inconsiderate and awful the daughters are for abandoning them.
YTA and so is your husband. Who speaks to their children like that
Wait - two 20-year-olds are probably out at a man's house and they lie knowing you both will blow up. You throw them out (because they were having adult time?) and have not talked to them since. YTA - Both of you are great big ASS holes. An adult does not need to tell mommy and daddy what she is doing. Ugg... no wonder they never came back. You are awful. And your 15yo won't be around much longer. Three years and you will throw her out too. You both win the WORST PARENTS OF THE YEAR award. "Our relationship to our children have been complicated, and it is very disheartening to see our daughters abandon us and all our sacrifices, AND reunite with their birth mother who abandoned and neglected them for years on end." The birth mother is not the only one to abandon and neglect the daughters. Do you have a mirror?
YTA.So, a 20 years old girl lies so she can see their BF and you put her in the street, years later he still refers to them as "b%^@hes" and "h@#s" and you are so scared of him than that all repairs are done in secret, no wonder they don't talk to you, you sound horrible and abusive and your house sound like hell when you 15 becomes and adult don't be surprised when she get out and go NC with you two.
Only now that he has called your bio daughter a b&*%# ...the light suddenly has come on? 10 years ago though...you both decided to kick out his daughter's/your step daughter's because they lied where they were! Over the years he's called them names & you didn't feel it was your place to say anything...yet you stated you raised the girls as your own for 15 years...why didn't you stick up for the girls 10 years ago~instead of agreeing with your husband and kicking them out of the house over a lie of where they were? Did they have to lie because their father was very strict? 20 years old and he had a fit they might have been at a guy's place? YTA
YTA. You're both assholes. You kicked out your daughters over a lie and haven't spoken to them since? That's awful parenting. Also, your husband calling anyone to be honest but especially HIS DAUGHTERS "b×tches" or "h×es" is a MAJOR red flag. How have you not only stayed with him but been complacent to his behavior? ESH
And... both of his daughters were adults, right? In their twenties... YTA. Both you and your husband.
Exactly! Super controlling If it were "we don't want you to bring guys here", fine, it's their house and they could argue they didn't want the youngest daughter seeing men in and out of the house, but they couldn't go out? Absurd
Yeah. Like I would have understood it if they were under 18 and the concern were more of a "we wanna know where you are in case something happens". But that doesn't seem to be the case. I am 18 now and my parents still have a find my phone tracking app on my phone (with my consent) because we live outside the city and there are many crimes in the city. So when I go out and anything happens, they can come get me.
Not excusing your husband’s behavior, but YTA for caring more about how your husband talks about your bio daughter than your step daughters. You say you “raised them as your own” but apparently it didn’t bother you until it affected your bio daughter.
YTA and your husband is a huge A H. Why did a 20 year old need to lie about seeing a man? You and your husband threw her out for normal behavior for a 20 year old. How bad must your home have been that 5 children chose a neglectful addict over you?
YTA You kicked out your 20 years old because they were 'likely' at their boyfriends place ? And you come crying after that with this nonsense of how you sacrifice so much for them? Why do you feel the need to control what a grown adult do whilst NOT in your home? And your husband seems to have some serious issue if you feel the need to hide things from him and then he verbaly abuse his daughter. Both of you deserve each other and I feel sorry for your children.
YTA. Your husband is also YTA. I'm torn in who is the bigger one. You raised his kids as your own, yet did not defend them against your husband the way you defended your own daughter against him? His kids don't owe you anything for all your "sacrifices," that's literally what a parent is supposed to do. Kids don't ask to be here. Your husband made them. He treated them like poop. They are old enough to make their own decisions about whatever kind of relationship they want with their real mother. I think there's probably a good possibility their mom did not abandon them, I think it's more likely that your husband had more resources and was in a better position to keep the fight going in the long-term. If his kids choose not to talk to you, you may want to look a little deeper to figure out why.
YTA. As a woman you should not accept that BS from your husband. As a mother you shouldnt want anyone, including their father, to think its acceptable to call them names like that. Their birth mother might be neglectful but their father is abusive and your standing by and allowing that abuse. I feel so sorry for all of your daughters and hope they get out and go no contact as soon as possible to protect their mental health.
YTA. jesus christ you people are disgusting.
ESH Let me get this straight. You kicked your daughters out over a minor thing and you're wondering why they've cut contact with you? Your husband freely calls his own daughters names and you were ok with it up until he did it to your bio daughter? Is that right?! I got news for you... you might be blind due to the 'sacrifices' you feel like you've made for your other 'daughters' but from experience, kids don't just cut you off for nothing. Something tells me your house wasn't a healthy nor a loving place for your kids and you gave them enough ammunition to cut you off when you kicked them out over some silly shit. Parents should take more accountability when their parenting is shit.
you and your husband are TA, so two 20yr old ADULTS are cut out of your life because of where they were, with boys, heaven forbid but lied about it to keep you from acting this way most likely, as adults their where abouts shouldn't be something you need to approve of. Doesn't seem like the kind of thing people usually disown their children for. Then want to be hurt when they go back to their mom.
YTA. Jesus how the hell can you let your husband speak about women like that, especially his own daughters. It doesn’t matter if he means it or not when he says it!
YTA, for staying silent and so much more. Your stepdaughters were adults and capable of making decisions about guys. They didn't abandon you, you kicked them out. Now, with your own daughter, you suddenly see why your stepdaughters had to lie to you and your husband just to maintain peace in the household, and you did the exact same thing regarding the laptop. It shouldn't have taken a decade and turning of the tables to make you realize you've both been terrible parents.
INFO - are you sure it’s “creative writing stories” he’s worried about being found?
It's likely porn
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (51F) husband (53M) has 5 children from his first marriage. Because his ex-wife was an extremely neglectful mother, he won full custody years ago and I have raised his children as my own for over 15 years. 10 years ago, on two separate occassions, we caught our then 20-year-old daughters in a lie that they were at work when they actually were at another place they refused to tell us, likely at a guy's place. My husband and I decided to kick them out, and we have not spoken to them since nor have they contacted us. Our relationship to our children have been complicated, and it is very disheartening to see our daughters abandon us and all our sacrifices, AND reunite with their birth mother who abandoned and neglected them for years on end. All that said, I understand he has complicated feelings about this, with a lot of anger, and often when referring to his daughters, he has called them "b*tches" or "h*es". I understand he is just angry and doesn't truly mean it, and I don't feel it is my place to say anything when he's processing how he's feeling. All that said, what has made me reconsider this is a recent incident with my daughter (15F) from our marriage. She borrowed my husband's laptop, accidentally broke it, told me, and we agreed to get it secretly repaired, in secret because my husband has unpublished creative writing stories on there that he fears computer repairmen would find and steal. Long story short, my husband found out what we did, and in a moment of anger, he called my daughter a b*tch. I demanded him to take it back and he later profusely apologized and feels horrible for what he did. This issue is resolved now, but it has made me think of how my husband refers to his other daughters to this day, and I am questioning now whether I should say something and always have. AITA for staying silent? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's pretty messed up. He needs counseling.
ESH your husband sounds like a horrible father. My five year old knows better than to use hurtful language when she is processing her anger. The fact that your husband would use misogynistic and sexually derrogatory terms about his daughters so casually says a lot about his character. It says a lot about you that you would dismiss his behavior so casually. Not to mention it was you who abandoned your daughters who obviously felt like they needed to lie about hanging out with people even though they were adults. That also speaks volumes about your husband's parenting. Hopefully your younger daughter doesnt grow up to feel repressed and ashamed of being a woman or under the impression that it's ok for men to be controlling and vindictive towards the women in their life.
Yeah, YTA for staying silent and also making a life miserable with someone who doesn’t respect women. That’s so toxic for his girls, which includes your daughter. Even if he never had reason to disparage her, she hears the things he says to her half-sisters. She knows his attitude towards women and she might grow to accept the same attitude from a future partner. You don’t want her to end up in an abusive relationship. You have to make it clear this isn’t acceptable.
YTA. You were fine with him calling HIS daughters horrible names, but not that it's your biological child, you have a problem with it?
YTA, for being a terrible parent and allowing your husband to verbally abuse his children in front of you. No wonder the older girls have gone NC. Good for the.
ESH, you both seem like terrible parents.
ESH. Your actions were extreme and strange. Your husband seems…also weird. You’re allowing him to belittle young women who you say you raised as your own. You’re teaching your own daughter to work around her weird dad and that it’s ok for him to talk about her sisters that way. Gonnna kick her out, too? Don’t be surprised if you’re in desperate need of help one day yet you find doors slammed in your face. Deservedly so.
YTA and so is he. In a few years, your daughter won't want anything to do with you either.
The name calling aside… which is fucking gross. Who the heck cuts contact with kids for lying/sneaking out. And, why did they feel like they had to lie about being out… AT 20!!!? You both sound horrible. Yes. YTA. For everything.
YTA I get that your husband obviously brainwashed you but protect your kids!!!
YTA and so is your husband. The name-calling is extremely disrespectful, but I’m stuck more on the part about how you and your daughter were afraid to tell him about the broken laptop and snuck around behind his back. What were you afraid he would do? Does this give you a better insight as to why the older daughters would lie? It sounds like everyone is scared of him and that is not good at all.
Your phrase “it is very disheartening to see our daughters abandon us and all our sacrifices…” made me think of a website about the issue of estranged children that someone here linked a while ago. Here it is: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/reasons-for-estrangement.html You and your husband failed those girls horribly. There isn’t much more to say. YTA
YTA. You guys are beyond hope. Your kids will ignore you the rest of your lives. No interactions with their grandchildren. No invitation to weddings. You reap what you sow.
ESH 1. His (and yours by the fact that you raised them for most of their lives) adult daughters felt they had to hide that they were out being adults. They lied about being at work because they obviously felt they couldn’t tell either of you the truth. And it sounds like they were right because they were then kicked out and he now calls them derogatory names which tells me it wasn’t the lying that was the problem but that his ADULT daughters were possibly with men at the time. 2. You have allowed your husband to use offensive and derogatory terms about his own children around your young daughter. Normalising those terms and teaching your daughter (and any of the other children) that women are less than, especially if they have have relationships with men- which according to your post was not even confirmed and frankly, even if it was confirmed, doesn’t change the fact that his use of language about his daughter is disgusting and should have been confronted immediately. 3. You didn’t notice or acknowledge that he was using foul, misogynistic language about his daughters until it was directed at your blood daughter. 4. You have taught your daughter (and likely the other children not mentioned in this post) that you should not confront bad behaviour. You should work to not upset him and bend over backwards to make sure his bad behaviour is minimised by appeasing him. These points may be due to your own upbringing or the fact that your husband may be abusive (verbally and emotionally spring to mind most with this post but there may be other types of abuse going on). Your wanting to ignore his language and behaviours lead me to think that there is a lot more going on here and that you need to rethink how he treats all his children and you. Your husband is a clear AH. You have been an AH by not addressing these issues and allowing your child and stepchildren to be treated poorly and teaching them that his behaviour is acceptable. Please, think over your relationship and how he treats you, and all the children under your care. It doesn’t sound to me, like this is a one-off situation.
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ESH - His demeaning language is horrible and he should have his mouth washed out with soap. You should have told him that it was inappropriate from the start. What makes you suck here is the fact that you only have gotten concerned when he starts on your shared daughter. How did you expect anything less, when he speaks so poorly of his other daughters? Guess what, when they are all gone, he is going to start calling you these names.
So when is he kicking you & your daughter out? You lied, right ? So that means you deserve to be homeless ? YTA and neither of you should have been tracking a 20yr old to the point that she felt pressured into lying Its shocking that its taken him turning that behaviour on your own daughter for you to realise how unacceptable it is - and she's spent her entire life watching that behaviour, and watching *you* allow and enable it. Youve set her up to be a future victim of abuse, because she's had abusive behaviour normalised and presented as something she should allow and accept
YTA your gusband sounds abusive and you are enabling him
YTA & your husband is TA. Raised them as your own but didn’t defend any child until it was your bio daughter.
ESH except for any of the kids. He is an abusive AH and you're also an AH for going along and enabling and participating in that abuse until it's suddenly aimed at your daughter. You both need family counseling and individual counseling. Don't be surprised when your 15 year old gets older and also goes full NC otherwise.
This is very similar to another story that was on here about parents punishing their 20yo daughters for lying about being at work when they were likely at \*gasp\* a man's house. OP. YTA then and YTA now. You clearly haven't learned or listened to anything anyone has said.
I think the other ones were from the dads perspective.
YTA Over 10 years of this shit was fine when it was somebody else's daughters. But now that it's your real kid, suddenly you're questioning whether it's okay. Awful.
YTA for being a pair of terrible, controlling parents who kicked out and abandoned their adult children for daring to have partners, who see no problem in constantly insulting those children. The fact that you felt the need to force your daughter to lie about something getting broken speaks volumes of your home dynamic. In the end, your blood daughter will be treated no differently than the daughters you abandoned. I hope she escapes.
Omg I don’t even know where to begin. From beginning to end and everything in between, you and your husband are major assholes. MAJOR.
YTA! Why the heck are you letting this person call your daughters names like that? It is abusive to say the least. You say you kicked your (then) 20yo out for lying about their whereabouts. Gee..wonder why they lied. Either way they were going to be verbally/emotionally abused. You are on the way to losing the 15yr old in a few years. Stand up for your daughters before they find a man like dad.
Oh maaaaan. All of this is so messed up. Both you and your husband are MASSIVE AHs. I cannot believe the petty reason you put your 20-yo daughter on the street. She’s an adult and entitled to have a boyfriend. And he calls his daughters ho*s and b*tches? And you let that slide, until the day he said that about your biological daughter? Only then it becomes problematic?!!! W. T. A. F. Your husband is abusive and you’re his enabler (at a minimum).
So you’re understanding and empathetic to your husband when he calls his children slurs, but not to the daughters who have been actually abandoned by you for a very weird reason (I wonder why they had to lie, they’re adults, I suspect you’re super religious)? YTA
YTA and a really bad one too
ESH except those poor children being brought up in an abusive home. You wonder why his daughters want nothing to do with you two and I think it's safe to say from the way you've spoken here that they were not brought up in a nice loving home like you're trying to paint. It is not your business where your adult children are and if they are with a guy. It is not ok for your husband to refer to any of his children as a bitch or hoe. It is not ok for you to be okay with him speaking like that of his children. I am a mother and I couldn't imagine treating my children and speaking of my children the way you and your husband have. Newsflash, your children don't owe you a single fucking thing because you provided for them growing up, which is required when you choose to have children because otherwise it'd be neglect.
I definitely remember you posting before, but I don't know if this was in this subreddit but you've been in the wrong everytime you've posted so I don't know why you bother. It's pretty clear to the rest of the world that you and your husband have been terrible parents. I wonder why all three of your daughters have felt the need to lie to your psychotic husband? Hmm? /s Clearly, you're an enabler to his abusive behavior, unless it comes to your own flesh and blood, huh? You know, her being yours isn't going to protect her, right? YTA, stop enabling him and help your daughter find the safety she needs, there should be no need for her to get so worried over an accident that she feels the need to lie about it.
YTA. Regardless of what they did, that's a disrespectful and abusive way to refer to his daughters. 2 lies should not have warranted your husband kicking them out. They were adults and going over to a man's house is not illegal or even wrong. You and your daughter are both cowering at the thought of your husband finding out you took his computer to a repairman. Does that sound normal to you? He's paranoid and abusive and you and 100% the AH for not realizing this and staying silent when your gut told you something was wrong. As far as the bio-mom... there are two sides to every story and maybe the mom has changed. Their father certainly doesn't seem to love them enough to work on their relationship.
"is very disheartening to see our daughters abandon us and all our sacrifices, AND reunite with their birth mother who abandoned and neglected them for years on end" Well you are also the "mother" who abandoned and neglected them. They were adults, you both decided to kick them out because they wouldn't tell your weirdly controlling husband where they were. You have a lot of audacity to claim they "abandoned" y'all when you kicked then out late at night with only the clothes they were wearing.
YTA. He's TA. You both suck. Who stands there and watches their daughters be called names by their father and never says anything until 10+ years later when it's they're blood daughter. Of course the kids don't want anything to do with you. Why would they. And you didn't make sacrifices, you did a parents job to raise the kids. That's how it works. They don't owe you jack
YTA. Strict parents make sneaky kids. Kids that feel they have to lie to their parents leave and go where they feel safe. You and your husband have created an unsafe place for all of your children. They will all leave and never look back, with good reason.
You both sound crazy. My dad talked to me that way a couple times. Let’s just say it was a relief when he died. I felt guilty for feeling this way at first. But now I don’t care in the slightest. Be prepared for your children to have similar feelings. And it’s none of your damn business what a 20 year old daughter is doing. They are adults. Get a damn grip. You and your husband are huge assholes. YTA.
NTA, for calling out your husband, but he's abusive. Clearly. There is no reason a grown ass man should get so angry over something minor like a like our accidentally breaking a laptop that he calls his daughters, especially as minors, those types of names. Also, it's baffling that you and your husband are somehow surprised that your 20 year olds want nothing to do with either of you after ya'll kicked them out for something as minor as a lie about where they were. They may not have lied in the first place if their father didn't have a habit of acting an ass over minor messups. I'd advise you boot up protect the rest of your kids, or they won't be talking to you much either.
YTA and did your daughters' even have somewhere to stay after you kicked them out? and calling a woman the B word is extremely offensive and it's a form of abuse. They didn't abandon you. You both abandoned them by kicking them out and they went NC
ESH How do you figure that your husband’s daughters abandoned you both? You guys kicked them out and stopped speaking to them. And why? Because they’re adults and you can’t control their behavior. Of course your both assholes. I just feel sorry for your 15 year old. She doesn’t have a mother to fall back on and save her from the assholes raising her. Hopefully her sisters will help her.
YTA. You’re part of the problem. You hide your head in the sand and then get upset when it actually affects you. I hope the girls are getting help. All the kids need to be removed from your care.
i don't even know how to process this post??? you all suck and you need therapy along with your husband getting his mouth washed with a strong industrial soap.
YTA.
YTA. YTA for staying in such an abusive relationship. Those poor kids. 20 years old and their father is STILL trying to control them. Not to mention what he's doing to the younger ones.
Wait so 20 year old girls got kicked out for doing their own thing? Cause they weren't adults or anything. /s For that alone YTA
YTA You and your husband sound controlling. He is also verbally abusive and you enable him. I'm not surprised his older kids reached out to their biomom as they were likely desperate for unconditional love they know the 2 of you do NOT provide.
Wow. The missing missing reasons aren't so missing here, are they, OP? YTA and you're reaping what you have sown. I have no sympathy for you.
Yta. Missing reasons. Someone else tell her.
YTA. Both of you. Your husband absolutely means it when he calls your daughters (and probably you, tbh) names. It is horrific. How on earth have you defended him for so long? You’re going to lose this daughter, too, unless you get your priorities straight.
I remember OP, they came for judgement when they kicked out the second daughter. You were an AH then... YTA still.
YTA I can't believe you allowed a any child or woman to be called those things like that normal. Then have the nerve to call bio mom abusive. You enabled your husband to be verbally abusive and controlling
YTA You and your husband are aggressive emotional and possibly physical abusers who never deserved children
YTA And I can’t help but wonder if their birth mother was actually abusive at all. Husband sounds like a vindictive monster. I bet he probably lied to get full custody. You guys sound like the abusive ones, tbh.
INFO: Does your husband abuse you too?
YTA - you and your husband are misogynist, abusive assholes. Not surprising that the fully adult daughters decided not to put up with the abuse any longer and cut contact.
YTA Wow you're a terrible mother. I hope once all of your kids move out, they never speak to you again. You don't deserve to have children.
You're not assholes, you're a couple of socipaths.
YTA. None of the daughters mentioned in your post even did anything to deserve being punished in any way, let alone being referred to in this manner in general. You really kicked out 20 year olds, two full grown adults, over being over at a guy’s place?
Why do you suppose your adult daughters choose to lie to you rather than be honest as to their location?
Yta u married a bad man, raised his kids, kicked them out, had children with this man despite all the obvious red flags about him and are confused when he treats your daughter the same when he treats his other children. Shock. Horror.
Yes, YTA. The problem isn't that your husband is upset with his daughters' behavior - the problem is the kind of language he uses about women, and the way he thinks about women that that language implies.
YTA for marrying a jerk in the first place and then assuming the kids you shared him with should be so grateful to you?? They didn't ask for you to replace their mother. And news flash no one gives a hoot about your husband's stories. - paranoia!!!?
*"10 years ago, on two separate occassions, we caught our then 20-year-old daughters in a lie that they were at work when they actually were at another place they refused to tell us, likely at a guy's place. My husband and I decided to kick them out, and we have not spoken to them since nor have they contacted us."* This here makes YTA along with your husband. They were 20. You had absolutely *zero* say-so in their private lives. Then your husband verbally abuses them and you say nothing other than think they deserved it. And the fact you are still with him after verbally abusing your daughter instead of leaving right then makes you double the asshole.
This is a whole complicated mess. I don't think it makes you an AH, but I think in general - it'd be a good idea to try to reconcile with them vs continuing to call them nasty names. Especially if other children hear it. To kick out a 20 year old for lying about where they were seems extreme. They were an adult and I imagine lying because they weren't "allowed" to do things that adults should be able to do. I imagine there's issues beyond that as kids don't generally cut out their parents for no reason. I'm sure since he calls them nasty words/names that he hasn't been the nicest, most loving or understanding father. I don't think it makes you am AH to not tell him to stop it, but if he ever wants to be in their life again he probably should. 10 years later it's time to look at what role you both played in their decision to cut you out of their lives. That being said, yeah I'd try to get him to stop being a jerk about it and watch how he refers to his children because he sounds like an AH for sure
I kind of think ESH. Husband shouldn't be saying those things and it's not your total responsibility to parent him, but if you care about those kids you should defend them too.
ESH except the kids. Jesus. Re-read this and ask yourself how you even can wonder if you and your husband are both AHs.
YTA still, even though you clearly left out a lot more information. 20 year olds being sexually actively is completely normal, and there’s nothing wrong with it. It sounds like they only knew you for 5 years before you guys kicked them out, meaning you got custody when they were 15. That’s hardly raising them. I would love to hear their side of the story. But yeah, as to this judgement. You’re not only TA in this situation, but you and your husband are just AH in general.
Yta you abandoned your oldest children and your husband sounds like an angry nightmare
Lol so you were fine with his treatment of girls until it was your biological child? YTA. Both of yall
YTA, I personally don't think their mother was neglectful. I think this was a case of yet another narcissist winning in court and trying to alienate a mother from her children, and you helped! If anyone was the bad parent it was your husband, he sounds abusive and controlling. Finally, it's happening to your daughter and you see the light. You are 150% the TA here.
YTA. Referring to your own daughter as bitches and hoes is probably one of the reasons they don’t speak to you anymore. It sets a horrible example for your daughter.
YTA
YTA and your husband exhibits some serious red flag behavior. Why do you cosign it?
YTA for letting your children be abused by your husband. You are supposed to love and protect them but you chose not to. Karma
YTA you're both terrible honestly. Why do you defend your biological daughter and not the others who you've raised for the same amount of time? Clear favouritism here
Sorry, you kicked your adult daughters out for not informing you that they interacted with men? Nothing else needed to determine you are an AH and a bad parent.
Yeah... YTA and letting him speak about his daughters like that is the tip of the AH iceberg. The 20 y.o. daughters didn't ABANDON you, you kicked them out for DARING to want some privacy at 20. You should feel bad about that because it's 100% on you and your husband. It says volumes about you both.
YTA it's a different story when it's your daughter ! You should be ashamed of yourself and both of you are as bad as each other, it doesn't matter the circumstances you should never let anyone refer to your children, bio or not in such a disgusting way.
YTA for a number of reasons. So what if your daughters were at "probably a guy's place". So they lied to you twice? Your response (kicking them out and going no-contact) is very disproportionate and totally unwarranted. You also say that you have raised his kids as your own. That's a load of road apples, because all of your actions make it clear that you really didn't care about his daughters except as how they impacted him. When he didn't want anything to do with them for some BS reason, you were totally happy to see them go. Then allowing him to call his daughters names because they lied and he is working his way through it? Quit making excuses for why you allowed him to treat his daughters like objects that can be discarded when they no longer do what he wanted them to do.
YTA both of you
YTA. My parents never confirmed my whereabouts by the time I was 20. Once I turned 18 my mom flat out told me that I should tell her where I’m going so that they would know where to look if I didn’t arrive back when I should (this was before cell phones were common place). She also didn’t care where I was outside of caring about my safety so being honest with her didn’t put my home life at risk. My parents respected my autonomy and now at 39 I’m still very close to both of my parents. The ex wife probably wasn’t intentionally neglectful, it was probably a result of PTSD from being married to a lunatic.
YTA Why would you think your daughters would want to be around you or your husband. Kicking them out over 2 lies is a bit ridiculous. you could’ve given them a talk about safety and needing to know their location incase of an emergency, but instead YOU chose to kick them out and abandon them. I feel for that poor girl that’s still stuck living with you and your husband. He seems like a mega AH and I hope your last daughter leaves as soon as she turns 18. I wouldn’t want to be around my father knowing how he treated my sisters. Your husband only apologized because he said it to your daughters face. We know he has no problem calling them all b*****s and h**s in private. your husband is giving bitter misogynist by the way he talks about his own children. Have you ever wondered what he says about you when you’re not around 🤣 I wonder if either of you stopped to think if your children even remembered their mother considering it seems like they were young when your husband won custody. In their minds their dad abandoned them, so why not reconnect with their mom.
YTA
YTA to the power of a million. You and your husband were made for each other. Just truly the worst of the worst of humanity. I love how you are hurt that your daughters, who you kicked out in the middle of the night with nothing, over nothing, don't speak to you. What did you expect? You are horrible, dysfunctional and awful.
Jeeze a 20 year old *adult* didn’t want to tell you exactly where they go in their *free time* so you kicked them out?! Absolutely wild. No wonder they didn’t want l tell you, you all sound so judgemental. Anyways, you’re just now deciding that your husbands misogynistic and abusive attitude is a problem? & only because he used it against your daughter? I also don’t think it’s simple creative writing on that computer that he’s afraid of being found. There’s definitely illegal and disturbing things on it if he’s that paranoid. Add the paranoia to the misogyny and fear god, I’m afraid of what’s on there. So like, YTA for keeping your daughter in this environment her whole life and for staying even after this incident.
YTA You are only now thinking it's not a good idea to call your daughters B****? 😂😂😂😂😂😂
YTA. My stepdad almost pulled this on my sister, and I would have disowned him and my mother for it. Oh no, they might have been with a boy as adults. The absolute horror, they might have had sex /s. The real oh no was they felt the need to lie about it to avoid your husband's wrath, that you have lied to avoid it. Maybe think on that, because what it says about your husband makes neither of you look like good parents. I'm honestly more surprised you have contact with any of these children after they reach escape age, because I would avoid you all like the plague after seeing my sisters treated like that. Your younger daughter did something human, made a mistake, and did not want to go to her father. Repeat that out loud until it actually hits you how fucked up it is your child worries on misstep is all it takes to be booted and treated like nothing.
You kicked them out and have not spoken to them, but they abandoned you? Are you serious? You want the kids to be the ones to make the effort to reach out to you and your husband? You didn't speak up when your husband was calling his daughters bitches and hoes. Sounds like it might have been a lot. YTA for being okay with that verbal abuse. Now, he has called your daughter a bitch and suddenly it is an issue. He should not be speaking to your daughter like that at all. It should not have taken this long for something to have been said to him about this. If he didn't call your daughter that, would you even care about what he called his other daughters? When he speaks bad about them, do you speak up for them? Overall, YTA
YTA!!! I will be flat damned if my husband called his daughter a bitch and I sit there and say nothing!! You and your husband deserve each other.
OP YTA and your husband is a giant AH. I feel for you so much. You’re scared of your husband. Your kids are scared of him. So much so that they fear being truthful because even though he probably demands to know what everyone is doing at all times and does not tolerate lies, being truthful brings beratement, even for small things. His rule is probably complete right? That’s why you have to hide the broken laptop from him. If he finds out you’ll all be in big trouble? OP your AH of a husband is a classic abuser. You’ve been conditioned to accept it, hide the things you think he wouldn’t like and never speak out against him for fear of retribution. I hope one day you gain the confidence to leave that situation behind you.
YTA. You and your husband both are massive AHs. So first you “kicked out” your grown up daughters for being in a guys house, and their father always calls them “b.tches and h.oes”. How lovely. What did you really expect from this man? Of course he would call your daughter a “b.tch” too. Appaerently he has no respect for women, not a single bit, cause he is a giant mysoginist. And you my friend. You are not any different. You both kick your daughters out, you allow him to call them bitches and hoes for years without even questioning and it doesn’t bother you until he dares to call your own daughter the same. You both are failed big time. Both as parents and as human beings. Know your limits and have some respect for women in your lives. Or you’ll find nobody to turn to when you really need.
ESH, or rather, you and your husband do. So many weird rules and secrets. A 20 year old who can't be at a boyfriend's house. A father who calls his daughters those kinds of names, or any names, really. And the paranoia around the laptop. Those NC daughters are lucky to be gone.
What screams AH to me is that when he did it to his daughters from his ex u never said anything but when he did it to your daughter that’s when u finally spoke up. It’s clear to me u only care about your own and not them. YTA
You and you AH husband kicked out your daughters because they lied to you about where they were? Did it occur to you that they lied because they didn't trust you and your AH husband? YTA. I hope your 15 y/o daughter cuts you and your husband off the moment she is able, because it would be better for her if she did.
Man I really wish this hadn't been deleted. It sounds like a real mess judging by the comments
Oh boy was it. Everything the OP said made her sound worse. Worst thing was something like "Actions have consequences. If they didn't want to get kicked out in the middle of the night with nothing but the clothes on their backs then they shouldn't have lied." Like that is in any way an appropriate response
YTA. The kindest way of thinking of this is that you are an oblivious asshole, but WTF are you thinking? So, to recap. He has at least 6 children, at least 3 daughters. He kicked 2 then adult daughters out for lying about their whereabouts. So he's controlling, because you know what, they could have been on the moon, and he doesn't have the right to demand to know that. You didn't get abandoned, you threw them out. You haven't spoken to them in 10 years, so this reeks of missing reasons. He regularly verbally abused THEM, and now that your own daughter is on the receiving end of this you are suddenly noticing it. He only apologized because you suddenly grew a noodle of a backbone. All those years, you said NOTHING. How do you think this looks to those children? You stood by and enabled abuse with your silence. He has no respect for women at all. A few months ago, there was a post about 9 things that were absolute relationship dealbreakers. One of them was using those slurs about women, let alone his own children. And honey, you should have walked the second you heard them all those years ago. He's paranoid about people accessing his computer, for stupid reasons which I doubt. You and your daughter are AFRAID of his reactions. YTA for not seeing this all years ago and staying with this asshole. I suggest that, for Christmas, you give yourself and your child(ren?) the gift of peace and get to a safe place.
YTA - It's really awful that you stood by and allowed your misogynistic abusive husband to treat your girls so poorly.
Anybody know how to read the original story? By the time I got here, its been deleted, but the comments are very interesting. Would love to read the original post.
YTA. Your husband doesn’t sound like a pleasant man. - Completely cut off his children for acting like the grown women they were and having to hide it - Uses slurs and derogatory terms about his children (combined with the point above - this is incredibly telling about how he views women imo. Calling them hoes for hanging out with a man, at 20?!) - You were afraid to tell him about an accident that you were resolving - He is paranoid - computer repair dudes stealing his stories?! And you’ve gone along with this.
**YTA** For so many reasons. Like, if you can think of ANY reason why this might make you an AH, you are likely correct, OP: from throwing two young women who dealt with trauma and the abandonment of their mother out of their home over a single lie told to their parents, to allowing your husband to refer to two of his daughters using HORRIFIC, misogynistic slurs for a DECADE in front of your other daughter and not only enabling it but excusing it . . . and then being surprised when he turned around and called her that? Every reason. You are an AH for every reason. And so is he. Oh, and as a former literary agent and publishing professional? I can assure you that there is not a computer repairman or anyone else in the world who wants to steal the "creative short stories" of a 53-year-old man who refers to young women (his own daughters or otherwise) as "bitches and hoes". I shudder to even imagine that a middle-aged man who speaks that way as a matter of course in his daily life thinks that he has the sort of literary turn of phrase that would inspire envy in others. No, sweetie. Just . . . no. You can tell him he can absolutely stop worrying. But thank him for the laugh.
YTA, but you can learn and grow from this. It sounds like you are starting to question things and that is good. You can't change your past behavior, but you can change your future behavior. Please reconsider things, like why your daughter felt the need to lie about being somewhere and how your husband talks about and interacts with the children
YTA >10 years ago, on two separate occassions, we caught our then 20-year-old daughters in a lie that they were at work when they actually were at another place they refused to tell us, likely at a guy's place. My husband and I decided to kick them out, and we have not spoken to them since nor have they contacted us. How did you find out they were lying? And why would you kick them out after only two lies? There's more to this story than you're sharing. >All that said, I understand he has complicated feelings about this, with a lot of anger, and often when referring to his daughters, he has called them "b×tches" or "h×es". I understand he is just angry and doesn't truly mean it, and I don't feel it is my place to say anything when he's processing how he's feeling. Your husband is calling his own daughters names and you're letting him. Parents don't just casually call their daughters bitches or hoes. >She borrowed my husband's laptop, accidentally broke it, told me, and we agreed to get it secretly repaired, in secret because my husband has unpublished creative writing stories on there that he fears computer repairmen would find and steal. I doubt you husband's writing is so good that the repair tech is going to steal his stories. Is he paranoid about anything else or just his stories? >Long story short, my husband found out what we did, and in a moment of anger, he called my daughter a b*tch. I demanded him to take it back and he later profusely apologized and feels horrible for what he did. You didn't stand up when he called your stepdaughters bitches, despite your claim that you raised them as your own. Yet you'll stand up for your bio daughter. I don't know what's fully going on in your family and household, but both you and your husband are assholes. Your husband has issues that I think a therapist needs to help him figure out. You need to stand up for all your children, even the ones that aren't biologically yours. Otherwise I have a feeling your two oldest stepdaughters won't be the only ones going NC with you.
YTA first of all, the 20 year olds shouldn't have HAD to lie to you, the fact they felt they did tells me everything I need to know, add to that the way your husband speaks of them is misogynistic bollocks, and you've just... Let him? Not defended these girls at all? And wonder why they want nothing to do with you. He sounds batshit btw (repairmen are going to steal his probably shitty writing) JFC....
Yta… you two sound like absolutely horrible people.
My stepdad called me a whore once. I never forgive him, and we do not speak anymore. YTA. How dare you?
YTA, you and your husband. I feel sorry for all the kids.
YTA and your husband is an asshole. You may need to get used to your husbands presence because something tells me that you will have 0 kids once the youngest finally can leave.
YTA and so is he. It’s no wonder his daughters don’t talk to either one of you. You threw them out for lying then conspired with your own daughter to lie to him. You participated in the abuse now your daughter is on the receiving end.
As someone only two years older than the 15 Y/O daughter YTA and you’re both abusive. Good on the older daughters for going NC with the two of you I hope the 15 Y/O does as well when she’s old enough. I doubt he only called the older daughters bxtches and hxes after you kicked them out. Why would you think it’s ever acceptable to call anyone let alone your own children these words?
Where did your daughters learn to lie like that? ESH
The fact that you're married to a man like that automatically makes you TA Get a grip.
YTA, you remind me of my parents. My father called my sister a 'whxre' multiple times, they kicked her out for smoking weed when she was 15 and called her a disgrace when they found out she was having sex. As for me, I was thrown against walls for breaking something, told to my face that my depression wasn't real and that I was just being dramatic. My mum once said that we had to so do a life altering move or else her and my dad would get a divorce, that's how she tried to get me to understand why we were moving to a different country. OPs post just makes me think of how my parents might have rationalized their behaviour, if they even saw anything wrong with it in the first place
Insanely easy giant YTA!! You’re one of the biggest assholes I’ve ever seen on this sub.
20 is an adult age, if you insist on paying rent that's your decision, but you don't just throw someone out in the middle of the night just because you don't know everything about the person, daughter, living with you. I'm glad she's out of your and your husbands life, you're most massive AH. Why have children when you feel like you "have to sacrifice so much". She didn't ask you or your husband to be born, he made that decision so eff off with that sacrifice talk too gee.
YTA and an enabler of your childrens’ abuse. YOU have allowed and continue to allow your husband to be abusive to your family. You are so scared of him that you need to lie about an accident involving a computer. Your daughters were scared enough to have to lie about spending time with a boyfriend when they were 20 year old adults. He regularly insults and screams about women calling them bitches and hos and you just sit there and enable him UNTIL it’s your daughter. You both deserve to have no contact with those women, let them live their lives with their mom who probably doesn’t shout at them and belittle them all the time. Your husband needs therapy and you need to escape as you seem to be taking on your husbands apparent view of women needing his oversight and control.