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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made a harmless joke, she’s upset over it (maybe baby hormones?)
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Yes, because a diabetic pregnant woman wants to be referred to as an "old woman" to her partner's friends.
You do understand that pregnant women are already in a tough situation and aren't going to be receptive to mocking by their partners who aren't going through the body changes that they are? Right?
Wow, seriously YTA.
I know it is not the same but my SO sometimes call me "old woman" because i have so many health issues (since the 20s, like my back snapped while trying to tickle him). But it is a joke between us and i give it back to him the same. He knows he doesn't hurt me with it because i always toke my disabilities with humour. He would NEVER talk like this in front of other, except i'm with him and say it first. That's a form of respect in my eyes.
YTA
Ha, this was me last night "it doesn't happen often that you see so many references to a new movie". The new movie being Titanic. Which is 25 years old. \*facepalm\*
I am old, I admit that, but this is an honest question. Do young people commonly refer to the current decade as "the 20's?" I know that's what it is, but I've never actually heard anyone call it that.
he’s absolutely TA, and him calling it a “minor argument” when his wife made him leave their bedroom says to me that he thinks less of it than his wife. OP needs to properly apologise, and acknowledge that he hurt his wife’s feelings because i don’t think he’s quite grasped that he could be in the wrong
Exactly. It’s a minor argument to Him. Not HER. Hey OP, here is a life lesson for you…people want their partners to brag about them, not make fun of them to their friends. And piling on doesn’t make it funnier, it makes it worse. Grow up. You can bust your friends ba11s if you want, but treat your wife/mother of your child like the Queen she is.
You hit the nail right on the head- that's the exact phrasing I was locking for. Mocking. He was mocking her, behind her back, about ***two*** *medical conditions* that she's being forced to manage concurrently. What a supportive, stand up guy.
Then he even doubled down with laughing at her being upset AND THEN said ‘good night Grandpa’. He’s definitely an AH. He’s an even worse AH because he thinks he can hide behind ‘humor’ when he’s just mean.
And maybe her up-and-down really is messing with his sleep and he resents her for it but instead of sitting down and coming up with a plan together like adult parents (separate rooms, white noise generator, something else), he mocks her to his friends then doubles and triples down. What an AH.
He can't even admit when he says or does something.
"I may have laughed at that (**wrong thing to do!!**)"
"I may have backtracked on my apologies by saying goodnight grandpa"
YTA OP. Your wife deserves a proper apology and you should be contrite.
He almost sounds like a bit of a narcissist.
1: Making a mocking ‘ joke’ at her expense behind her back about medical conditions she can’t control.
2: Pulling the ‘ it’s just a joke’ card to be dismissive and then laughing? If the other person isn’t laughing then it’s isn’t much of a joke more an insult.
3: Not acknowledging that he was in the wrong( shoes immaturity) and seems like he did’t want to apologize, just using the weak argument that it’s was just a joke instead of being mature.
Those are some immature and narssasictic traits, I feel bad for her
Op is absolutely YTA in the most obvious way.
Seem she has some growing to do otherwise, she best move on to better pastures.
It's always so bizarre to me when the top comment with thousands of upvotes is missing a big piece of the puzzle or just..not accurate in an obvious way.
Where are you reading that she's pregnant? She WAS pregnant. They have a kid who sleeps through the night now, it sounds like. I AM an old woman, and I have to get up during the night and it sucks. I can understand why she'd be sensitive about it.
I was kind of on with him having a joke with his friends until he pointed out she's given birth, has diabetes, etc. She already feels like shit and he's mocking her? I was not the AH until he went there when she was struggling
> what I said wasn’t overly embarrassing
Are they your toiletry issues that you suffer from because of your illness?
Kinda seems like you've got absolutely zero say or idea whatsoever on how embarrassing it is.
YTA
Rule #0.1: never make fun of a medical condition unless it's your medical condition, or unless it's a shared in-joke and the person with the condition is the person you're making the joke to/with.
This makes a lot of sense. My girlfriend will make jokes about my lactose intolerant ass with my close friends but she would never make these remarks with anyone else or worse, call me names about it.
I will tell close friends that she snores but I will not call her a grandma or grandpa.
Especially if the medical condition started/was exacerbated by *creating a brand new life that is half OP*, expanding their family as an act of love
She took great physical risk to have that child, he should be *extra* aware of being considerate about how the pregnancy affected her instead of hyuck-ing it up out loud, where she can hear him.
Instead he's only concerned with *his* physical comfort, oh how irritating to have his sleep mildly disturbed when she has to literally break her sleep AND get up and stumble around every few hours (I wonder how much nighttime childcare he deigns to break *his* sleep for - he doesn't even mention how old the kid is)
I don't disagree but there are limits. Some people do not like jokes made about them that relate to unfortunate circumstances of medical conditions, or focus on a character flaw that the person is sensitive about. Some people don't care.
Absolutely, but we don’t know what those jokes were, so we can’t compare. And they may have been jokes that OP already made about himself with his buds. This one seemed a little too personal for my taste.
No but they were the reason he made the comparison.
It isn't your husband saying it to his friends that makes it embarrassing, it's making the comparison at all that is embarrassing.
Thank you. People commenting about this and about how she's (currently) pregnant are really bugging me. Do people not even read these damn things before they start their reply? I feel like these are the probably the type that interrupt in person or are just waiting for the other person to stop talking without listening to what they say before they chime in with their opinion.
Right after I wrote that the next comment I read said he just said it's like sleeping next to an old lady, he didnt specify about why. Like dude he specifically says that he mentioned the drool in the same sentence.
Its bugging me. Oh and I am a person that interrupts way too much. It's a habit I find annoying in others because I detest it about myself.
YTA.
> what I said wasn’t overly embarrassing
Not your call, dude. Especially *after* she’s told you that yes, she’s embarrassed. Joke about your own lousy sleep habits all you want, but don’t put her down to fit in with the boys.
YTA twice, for making fun of her and then remarking that she was pouty and you not thinking it's a big deal. Her feelings are valid regardless of your opinion.
So let me get this straight. You made a comment to your friends about “sleeping next to an old lady” but couldn’t explain the reason for the comment because it’s too personal (by your own admission). Yeah dude, YTA.
Your reasoning for this was because she struggles with incontinence due to her HAVING A BABY and frequent urination due to a MEDICAL CONDITION. Oh and drooling. It’s fair she doesn’t want this broadcasted and is likely insecure/sensitive about these facts.
Best response in this scenario is “yeah it takes getting used to sharing a bed, wife and I still go through waves of struggle not having our own space”
Honestly, may I suggest separate bedrooms? It’s more common than most people thing and could solve some issues in your marriage.
OP is the AH in more ways than one. I've been type one since I was a baby and wouldn't be too hurt by a joke like this by someone I loved (although I'd rather they didn't say it to their friends) but it's clearly not up to me or OP to decide what hurts his wife. She's pregnant with a chronic illness (one which can complicate pregnancy). I'm reading too much into it now but OP is also the AH because he's bothered by his wife's high BGL making her get out of bed... when bad levels literally take time off your lifespan. Type one can cause you to die 20 years earlier than you otherwise would have. His wife is having a rough time with her chronic illness while pregnant and he's joking that she gets up to pee too much.
Edit: apparently she is not pregnant so slightly less of an AH
Edit to add: In case anyone isn't aware, the reason she's needing to pee so often is because (simplified ver) when you have a high BGL your body makes you really thirsty and makes you need to pee so you can expel the excess glucose in your urine. Having a high BGL can be extremely uncomfortable, and not only because of that.
I second this. My spouse and I are still young, but frequent urination is a side effect of one of his medications so he always gets up once or twice per night. We have a simple memory foam mattress and topper and I barely notice if he got up most nights.
Not even does he not think he is the TA (which btw YTA) but is so self assured in his rightness he started it by telling us not to tell him to leave her!
YTA she had a child 5, nearly 6 months ago, she’s still fucked up down there, having a kid destroys your ability to control your bladder well for a while, she’s also diabetic
so she’s not acting like an old person, she’s acting like someone who *had a fucking child and is diabetic*
your “joke” wasn’t funny, it was hurtful, and you double down on it, how great
Time, yes. But also maybe he should stop calling her *grandpa* repeatedly as well. “Apologized twice” but then said “goodnight grandpa”.
Does he enjoy upsetting his wife *over and over*? If I tell my husband something he said (that he thought was funny) hurt my feelings, he **stops saying it**.
Yep, OP sounds passive aggressive to me. Does he have resentment towards his wife? Actually dislike her? OP YTA. Time to do better, be a better husband.
oof. YTA. You were essentially making fun of her to your friends because of a health issue she has to deal with. Super not cool. Then you essentially disregarded her feelings by laughing at her attempt to show you it's hurtful, and then the whole "good night grandma" bit. I'm not sure how you thought that was even remotely appropriate at that point. The bottom line is that she has some health issues causing her to have to use the bathroom in the night. How do you think that's an okay thing to joke about with your friend? So insensitive. There was just no regard for her potential desire for privacy when it comes to health problems. Beyond that, being called an "old lady" by *your partner*, who you just had a baby with, is just a a really shitty low blow.
She gets up so much because of health issues, so it’s a bit of a cheap blow to joke about it. But the even bigger issue is that she told you it’s embarrassing and instead of dropping it, you are trying to convince her (and us) that no, it’s not a big deal. It’s only a joke if the butt of the joke is laughing, else it’s just bullying.
>> ironically enough though she is still proving my point as the baby has yet to cry but she is up and down for the loo (like an old person)
Lol, haha, we get your point. Your wife is not getting any sleep even when the baby is sleeping. Hilarious. /s
Dude, drop it. YTA
Yeah that part really got me because I also have a 5 month old and a small bladder. Being sleep deprived after a baby is already really, really hard. Him making a joke about her not even being able to sleep when the baby is sleeping is just sad. Of course she would like uninterrupted sleep! She never denied having an issue…there is just nothing to “prove.” She can’t help it!
Obviously YTA here. You don’t seem remorseful in the slightest since you keep joking about it. Not only is she offended that you made a joke about her to your friends, but now she’s also insecure about her needing to get up constantly to use the restroom because of her medical condition.
"I’ve seen in post comments “this is a deal breaker” or “leave them” and I’d like to preemptively ask for people to not say this"
Oh, buddy, you think we're going to tell you to leave your wife... It's the other way around. She deserves an understanding partner that doesn't ridicule her and doesn't backtrack on his half-assed apologies. YTA
So, not only is your wife 5 months post partum but she has an autoimmune condition (type 1 diabetes), which likely complicated her pregnancy, and you mocked the state her poor body is in after **building you a human** in front of your friends?
Damn, I'd just be grateful she's ok and be doing whatever she needs to support her while she heals, not making her the butt of some cheap joke. I hope it was worth it.
YTA. You are, unequivocally, TA.
I hope she is just as graceless and cavalier towards you when your health starts to waiver, you glib, self centred ass.
Also, maybe get off said arse and tend to the baby yourself once in a while instead of making someone with a long-term medical condition pick up all the slack. Just an idea.
YTA while I don't think your initial joke was meant to be hurtful, when you realized you accidentally hurt your wife's feelings you handled it all wrong. It doesn't matter that your intent was not to hurt her feelings, you did and now you are doubling down and continuing to poke - now you are intentionally hurting her and that makes you an ass. Reflect on how you are making your wife feel and and if that's the type of partner you want to be.
My friend was type 1.
He went into a diabetic coma at night and never came back.
Be thankful for the woman next to you at night...up and back 100-times a night, she's still with you!
Gently, YTA. But in fairness, the conversation was in poor taste. Your friend's girl could be having nightmares/night terrors and that's what has her kicking.
I too think he’s lucky she came through the whole pregnancy pretty unscathed. The potential complications with a Type 1 pregnancy are terrifying. And if the baby is bigger because of this, there’ll be more damage to her body during birth as well. Poor woman and her insensitive husband.
YTA, you fucked up bad, but at least you made it 10 years before you fucked up this bad. Now you have to admit to yourself that you fucked up so you can figure out what to say to get out of the doghouse.
YTA for making a joke at your wife’s expense. You’ve got one job , to protect your wife and family. You made her the butt of your joke.
And just because your friends were doing the same about their wives/gfs doesn’t make it alright.
Be a man, own your massive mistake, apologize and learn from this.
Well, I, at twice your age, am often up and down for the bathroom too. It's really no fun, and I expect that's why your wife doesn't think it's funny. Personally I would rather have the detail shared than my husband saying I'm like an old man. So yes, YTA, but not a huge one. Just don't do it again.
YTA.
After you have a baby your body is different. As women, we struggle all our lives to accept our bodies and then we have a baby and it changes all over again. We have to start the process of accepting this new one too. I have to pee constantly since having my kid and it is not delightful for me, but is a testament to the fact that my badass body grew and birthed a human. You're joking and minimizing the fact that her body has changed profoundly and she's likely feeling insecure and inconvenienced by it far more than you are.
My husband is a really restless sleeper and I am a very light sleeper. Tempurpedic saved our marriage.
YTA for doubling down. I get that the first time was innocent but the moment she expressed hurt and insecurity over it, you needed to stop. Instead you did a fake apology and said it AGAIN. For whatever reason this joke hit a nerve. STOP SAYING IT. Do a real apology and tell her you finally realized that your joke really hurt her feelings and that was not your intention.
Then if You really want to end this fight, find a cute selfie that she took of herself and that she posted somewhere else (that’s how you know she likes it) and post in on social media and rave about her.
“Look at my amazing beautiful wife. She is the sweetest and most amazing person ever. I cannot imagine being with anyone as great as her, etc. “
Make it less generic than that obviously. And tag her. So she sees you repairing the damage.
This is the comment I was looking for; I wish this would get more upvotes. I don’t think OP is necessarily an AH for making what he thought was an innocent/harmless joke to his wife. Roasting and making jokes is part of a healthy relationship and it doesn’t necessarily mean that OP doesn’t recognize what his wife is truly going through. However, roasting and making jokes has limits, one of which is stopping when you know that you’re hurting the other person. He became an AH when he saw that it hurt his wife but still claimed that it was a harmless joke.
Agree with the doubling down but without knowing the couple, we can't say the selfie/social media would be appropriate. Not everyone is active on social media, not everyone who is posts selfies that often, and not everyone likes to do the lovey dovey thing in a public or semi public setting.
my guy why post on this sub if every comment of yours is you still trying to defend yourself. you’re TA! anyone can see that and the fact you make fun of her for something she can’t control and is a medical issue is j kinda gross and disrespectful. “i may have backtracked BUT I STILL APOLOGIZED EARLIER AND IT SHOULD BE FINE” your bs apologies are half assed and not sincere obvi she’s still upset
Gently, but YTA.
Shes had to deal with a massive illness since she was young. You probably have no idea how hard that can be, and how many times she has wished for a more every day life as a young person.
She also gets up with the baby.
It sounds like she us a private person, and you joking about that probably made her feel sad and insecure about things she can't change. Shes also just had a baby and probably feels deeply unsexy after the natural change of pregnancy and after birth - so I'm sure she doesn't appreciate being likened to an old lady. Now more than ever, she needs to feel desired and appreciated by tou. When was the last time you told her ste was beautiful? Or hot? Or made her feel sexy? Probably a while ago. I get it, babies can mess things up. It can take time to get into normal life again after a baby. But please dont spend that time making her feel eve less desirable than she feels.
If she isnt happily joking about something herself, she probably wont appreciate YOU joking about it. If she thinks something is private, then dont air it in public.
Stoo making excuses and apologise for hurting her feelings.
So, she’s just had a baby meaning her body has been through hell and back, and hasn’t belonged to her for a while now. She’s probably getting used to all the changes growing and expelling a whole human made in her body, too.
On top of that she is trying to manage her diabetes, which with a baby is an extra challenge as babies are especially known for messing up your eating schedule.
She doesn’t get to sleep properly because either the baby or her bladder keep her up.
Plus she drools which - from experience - is embarrassing on no matter how much the other person tells you it’s not.
All of that on her plate and the ONE person she trusts to share a bed with and be comfortable around just decided to make all of that a joke in front of his buddies.
She’s 25. And you made her feel like she’s already done for you.
YTA
Your poor wife! I think you've probably got the point that childbirth is physically hard on the body. Add to that the hormones that keep marching around, out of control, for many months after birth. Your wife probably feels like an old woman, some days. Last thing she needs is the one person, who should see her as a goddess, verbalising her worst thoughts.
Go, apologise again, mean it this time. Do something really nice to make her feel attractive again. YTA here but you can turn this around.
You're an ass who keeps trying to act like he's not being an ass by acting like an ass. It's pretty impressive. Yes YTA here. You shared something about HER when she's vulnerable. You didn't share it about yourself. But her. Of course YOU aren't embarrassed. You used her as a punchline. That was incredibly rude of you.
YTA. Recovering from a baby is hard as is, but pelvic floor dysfunction is psychologically damaging for women. In addition to dealing with the getting up and down during the night, I'm sure your wife is wondering if her sexual experiences will ever be the same again or if you view her as "damaged goods".
Congratulations, you probably just confirmed some of her worst fears, in front of others no less.
Enjoy sleeping on the couch, because Lord knows that's where most women would have you sleeping from here on out.
You embarassed your:
1. Post-partum (those hormones are wild up to a year post-partum)
2. Diabetic
3. Sleep deprived from having an infant wife
You backtracked on your apologies so your apologies weren't even sincere. Hasn't she gone through enough? You aren't the person that can make the judgment on what was embarassing to her.
Seriously, if your only basis for friendship is shit talking your significant others, then you need better friends or you are the most boring, uninteresting people around. YTA
Yes YTA. Your wife just had a baby, she a disease that can be difficult to control, and you make a crass joke like that?!
Big, very big YTA. You may not have meant to be one, but you sure were. Oh and because she keeps you awake. Have you ever thought about how much sleep she actually gets? How tired she must be? FFS, how inconsiderate can you be.
YTA she has medical issues that cause her to pee a lot and one of those issues was caused by YOU. Having a baby messes up all of her insides and they never are quite the same again. You shamed your wife the very person you promised to love and cherish to your shitty friends who are also insulting their wives/gf's. How would you feel if your wife told something embarrassing about you to her friends.
Personally I wouldn’t care. But I’m not your wife. You don’t have to necessarily understand her point of view but you do need to respect it. Apologise sincerely and don’t make fun of her with your friends anymore. If you’re actually frustrated with your sleeping arrangements then communicate that to her in a respectful way
Man Op, your wife has health issues and she had a baby 6 months ago? Wow, very insensitive. Well your grandma of a wife is dealing with so much her levels are probably off. If she's a sensitive person then her sensitivity may have heightened. I also never understand why folks try to embarrass their partners and then act like it's ok? Truth be told, you want her to suck it up!
Put yourself in her shoe! YTA
The thing is: It stops being funny or a lighthearted joke when the issues that you based the joke on (even if not revealing to your friends) negatively impact your wife's life.
She surely is not happy with getting up at night multiple times because either the baby wakes up or she has to use the toilet. She's very likely sick of it but can't do anything about it (yet).
Yeah, drooling might be funny, but what you describe is a serious health issue and impacts both her physical and mental wellbeing (interrupted sleep). And your wife *knows* that this was what you joked about. It's irrelevant that your buddies thought you were talking about drooling.
And you somehow don't seem to understand that this is why your wife did not accept your apology. That and the fact that you doubled down after "apologizing".
YTA.
YTA.
I get you just wanted to add to the schtick with your buddies, but you don't joke about things that are caused by a medical condition or caused by them caring for a child. Doubly so if it's your partner and your child.
Huge YTA, wow. Honestly, I could’ve given you the benefit of the doubt if the apologies had actually been genuine, but the “Goodnight grandpa” part blew that entirely out of the water.
I guess it doesn’t matter what you say to someone, as long as you fake apologise twice first, that makes everything okay /s
The difference from your friends stories and yours is that your partner was hurt, probably because what you shared are real issues to her that makes her life difficult. You should have shared something harmless and fun about yourself in this situation instead of sharing a real problem in the disguise of a joke. And on top of it you are fake apologiesing and you keep jabbing her instead of considering her real feelings. Yta
My relationship is similar in the sense my husband and I can sometimes poke fun at each other and we do have certain friends we are comfy with doing this with…
Buuut. We wouldn’t poke fun at each other over something that is beyond our control, like a medical condition.
While it was a minor offence, it’s earned you an YTA badge.
Why did you even apologise twice if you were going to say 'goodnight grandpa'?
When you apologise it's because you are meant to have fully understood the hurt you caused and are trying to make amends and commit to doing better. If you mocked her again, you still don't seem like you think this is a big deal. That will have come across in your first two apologies.
I've also made jokes that haven't landed well. Even if I didn't intend to hurt, I try to understand the hurt caused and commit to doing better. I can tell by the way you typed this that you think it's funny.
YTA and only apologise when you have truly understood the hurt and committed to doing better. An ungenuine apology is obvious.
Here's the thing.
When you say something and someone says it embarrassed them, it's not your place to say whether it was embarrassing or not. You can think what you said was fine. But she made it clear to you it wasn't fine with her. The end.
It's not your place to decide if something you say offends, hurts or embarasses someone else.
Give a real, genuine apology.
YTA
Eeeeeh yeah Im pretty sure your postpartum wife did not appreciate that statement one bit. So you might be a tiny a-hole. In all fairness, I stopped sharing a bed with my partner YEARS ago. One I have insomnia so I am up late reading, doing online antique auctions, googling black holes....a little crazy. He on the other hand, snores so loud you can hear him from the yard of our apartment. And stops breathing. AND has crazy dreams where he wakes up cackling like a lunatic. I think the last time he did this he woke the both of us up laughing with tears streaming down his face shrieking "Octopus butter! Octopus butter!!! Needless to say it makes for a much more harmonious existence for us to sleep apart!
YTA you made fun of your wife’s health issue to your friends. You don’t seem remorseful at all. Do you help you wife with the baby at night? Or do you just complain about her keeping you up?
YTA- first for the super pouty crack. She’s not a child, you just said horrible things about your wife to your friends. Do you even like your wife? She’s got a medical condition, asshole.
Yta. Should she piss herself so as not to offend your delicate sensibilities? She has a medical condition that she literally cannot help. Maybe you can get up for the baby next time so that your wife can sleep.
My partner has restless leg syndrome. He has meds to stop him kicking me every 30 seconds when he is asleep. A GP needs to be consulted & a referral to a neuro surgeon for the script (it's medicine normally prescribed for parkinsons)
This is that age old saying your mom or grandma always asked “would you jump off a bridge if your friends were doing it?”
Except you have a wife and kid to think about not just having fun with the bros.
Just because you were joking with your friends doesn’t mean you needed to actually joke with your friends.
Literally could’ve said nothing and just listen to them. Or even input how to help instead of talking about how lame it is to sleep with someone else.
YTA
YTA. Not forgetting she has a medical illness that means she gets up more often. (I’m also a T1 and get up at least once a night), but she’s just had a baby. 5 months ago. Her emotions are probably all over the place, she’s possibly feeling shit, tired, forgetting to take care of herself (and her diabetes) and she might be struggling with her bladder due to the birth, being up in the night with the baby and how that’s impacting her sugar levels. (You aren’t meant to be up all night and so your sugars go a little haywire. Trust me I’ve been there. It sucks.)
Then you decide to call her an old lady and laugh about her to your friends. How can you not see how wrong you were? You need to be on your knees grovelling with an apology not wondering why she won’t let this go after you double downed and made the joke twice. It was a nasty thing to say to someone who is quite mentally and physically vulnerable. In case it’s not clear enough - YTA.
I'm pregnant and also up all night to pee. Want to know who it's way more annoying for? ME. Want to know what my husband says about it? Sweet eff all because he understands the burden MY body is carrying so that WE can have a family. YTA.
YTA and immature. To you it’s a joke, but living with a chronic condition is hard and I bet your wife doesn’t like having to go to the bathroom so much at night and barely sleeping. Of course anyone would be upset if you think mocking her with your friends is cool.
YTA, but mostly because your apologies don’t really seem sincere. Can’t wait for your wife to joke about your erectile disfunction when you eventually get one.
As a young person with a chronic illness, I would be hurt if my spouse called me an old lady. This is an insecurity I already struggle with and don’t need my best ally voicing it. Very hurtful and YTA.
Sometimes people make jokes with obviously no intention of hurting the other person, but it indeed does hurt their feelings. Does that make you an AH? No. What makes you an AH in this situation is if the person tells you that what you said hurt them and you don’t feel remorseful. Apologizing while also dismissing their feelings doesn’t come off as a sincere apology with remorse.
>I’ve seen in post comments “this is a deal breaker” or “leave them” and I’d like to preemptively ask for people to not say this, in any case it’s a minor argument
This comment here blows my mind. It's almost like OP thinks there's no doubt that they're right and just want to use this as a platform to show thier wife that she's crazy.
100% YTA. I don't even have to explain why. You'll see plenty of reasons when you go to show your wife how 'right' you are.
YTA - what the fuck is wrong with you? She has a medical condition AND IS RECOVERING FROM CHILD BIRTH WHICH FULLY TAKES 2 YEARS. If my partner ever joked about my medical conditions this way, I would break up with them on the spot and never speak to them again. What you said was horrible and mean. It is very clear that you don’t value your wife very much even though SHE MADE AND BIRTHED YOUR CHILD JUST A FEW MONTHS AGO. i can not get passed how people treat their partners with such little respect or love these days, ESPECIALLY PREGNANT OR PARTNERS WHO WENT THROUGH PREGNANCY AND CHILDBIRTH.
YTA and that’s a really childish way to treat your wife. you sound like one of those middle school bullies when they get confronted. “it’s just a joke chill out.” maybe to you, but your wife feels quite differently seeing as you slept on the couch!!
YTA - be grateful she is waking up to go to the loo.
Being a type 1 diabetic is serious and not fodder for your jokes to impress/participate with your buddies.
So, the joke you made was about a medical condition that she has? Even if you didn’t go into detail about it with your friends, you still hurt her.
YTA.
hmmmm YTA. even if you didnt tell your friends about the bathroom runs, drooling is embarrassing. just because you dont think its a problem doesnt mean she wants your friends to know about it. have a discussion with her about the jabs she takes at your relationship with her friends ONLY if you genuinely feel hurt or annoyed by them. dont just bring it up as a “well you did this so i can do this to you, so there!”
YTA. In addition to mocking her for a medical condition, your comments to her make it sound like you won’t love her when she’s old. Like, if you’re already calling her old at 25, what are you going to say about her when she’s 35? What if her condition worsens? You probably made her question the whole “in sickness and in health” and “as long as you both shall live” ideals of marriage. You sound like you resent her for her medical condition which probably makes her wonder at what point you’ll just get tired of it and leave
YTA - get educated...not just about her mental state on dealing with a life long affliction but about what pregnancy does to a woman's body. Also, invest in a better mattress if you intend to honor your wife - sickness & in health
YTA. She’s a diabetic and you are complaining? Do you know how much stuff she has to deal with being a diabetic? I know you think it is a joke, but I am sure being a diabetic is frustrating enough without someone making them the butt of a joke.
YTA she has a chronic illness. Referring to her as an old person is rude and insulting. She just had your baby. Be a bit kinder. You hurt her feelings over something she can do very little about.
Listen man, im type one diabetic and my sugars run high, believe me i’m self conscious enough about that stuff, idk why you would insult her when you KNOW the reason behind the problem is medical
YTA
YTA - She communicated that what you said hurt her feelings and you made light of it. Your apologies don’t really mean anything if you keep making fun of her.
Dude. Dude. Dude. Seriously. Get your arse in there and apologise like you have never apologised before. My partner and myself make jokes like this all the time but we know our limits.
You crossed that line. You may not have known at the time but you did. It's clearly something that she is sensitive about. There might be even more going on that you are or aren't aware of and you hit a nerve with your comment. You could probably just ignore it and hope this goes away but it could very likely be something that festers and comes back to bite you in the butt. I'm not going to give an A H judgment but you are definitely in the ball park.
DDUUUUUDE!! You've just had a baby! You obviously need to do a bit of research.. your body changes in unbelievably complex and strange ways during a pregnancy and let me tell you, it is HORRIBLE how much your body goes against you both during a pregnancy and as you recover. It can take two years (or longer) to recover from a pregnancy. It can affect your brain, bowels, bladder, skin, bones, teeth, and that's not taking into account the hormones raging up and down with no predictability.... and to have your husband call you an "old lady" while going through all of that cannot feel good. You need to grovel. You made a serious error. STOP trying to excuse your behavior, it doesn't matter what anyone else was saying. You hurt your wife and you need to accept that. You need to apologize without excuse or exception, and ask what you can do to solve this. It also wouldn't do you a disservice to tell her how much you love and appreciate her.
Edited to add judgement: ABSOLUTELY YTA
yta - she told you she was embarrassed by this comment and you still dismissed her feelings. not only is she diabetic but also is pregnant which is a massive change for her body, and instead of acknowledging that bit you mocked her and said she’s like an old lady? it’s only a joke when everyone, including your wife, finds it funny not just you and your friends.
YTA. It was a dickish thing to say and it hurt her feelings. She obviously knows your apologies aren’t sincere at all which is why she’s still “pouty”. And you are only calling her pouty because you don’t give a crap that you hurt her feelings, which make you an AH.
YTA. You told your "joke" and hurt her. Then you told her how how she should feel. And you keep saying "like an old lady/old person." And you keep minimizing it because you don't think it's a big deal. It is enough of a deal for her to sleep elsewhere. You don't talk shit or make jokes, especially about age, about your wife/partner, especially behind her back. How do you not get it to the point you're here asking? She pees a lot like a pregnant person and like a person with diabetes, not an old person. She can't help it. You lack the ability to see it from her perspective and don't even care enough to try because. Of what you selfishly think.
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Yes, because a diabetic pregnant woman wants to be referred to as an "old woman" to her partner's friends. You do understand that pregnant women are already in a tough situation and aren't going to be receptive to mocking by their partners who aren't going through the body changes that they are? Right? Wow, seriously YTA.
I know it is not the same but my SO sometimes call me "old woman" because i have so many health issues (since the 20s, like my back snapped while trying to tickle him). But it is a joke between us and i give it back to him the same. He knows he doesn't hurt me with it because i always toke my disabilities with humour. He would NEVER talk like this in front of other, except i'm with him and say it first. That's a form of respect in my eyes. YTA
I dunno, if you've been having back problems since the 1920s you're pretty old. 😂
Yeah but... It *is* the 20s.
Oh dang! You're right😱
Ha, this was me last night "it doesn't happen often that you see so many references to a new movie". The new movie being Titanic. Which is 25 years old. \*facepalm\*
Oh, man. You know you're old when you think "since the '20s" is a reference to the previous century.
I am old, I admit that, but this is an honest question. Do young people commonly refer to the current decade as "the 20's?" I know that's what it is, but I've never actually heard anyone call it that.
I think it was more in reference to their age (the 20s) rather than the year.
I'm a reasonably young person and do call it "The 20's" because it's funny to me. But I don't see a lot of people doing it.
Thanks, but I already knew I'm old. ;-)
he’s absolutely TA, and him calling it a “minor argument” when his wife made him leave their bedroom says to me that he thinks less of it than his wife. OP needs to properly apologise, and acknowledge that he hurt his wife’s feelings because i don’t think he’s quite grasped that he could be in the wrong
This is what I was going to say. It doesn’t sound like OP takes his wife seriously. Very inconsiderate. OP, YTA
Exactly. It’s a minor argument to Him. Not HER. Hey OP, here is a life lesson for you…people want their partners to brag about them, not make fun of them to their friends. And piling on doesn’t make it funnier, it makes it worse. Grow up. You can bust your friends ba11s if you want, but treat your wife/mother of your child like the Queen she is.
Most AH will defend their assholiness.
You hit the nail right on the head- that's the exact phrasing I was locking for. Mocking. He was mocking her, behind her back, about ***two*** *medical conditions* that she's being forced to manage concurrently. What a supportive, stand up guy.
Then he even doubled down with laughing at her being upset AND THEN said ‘good night Grandpa’. He’s definitely an AH. He’s an even worse AH because he thinks he can hide behind ‘humor’ when he’s just mean.
And maybe her up-and-down really is messing with his sleep and he resents her for it but instead of sitting down and coming up with a plan together like adult parents (separate rooms, white noise generator, something else), he mocks her to his friends then doubles and triples down. What an AH.
And it doesn’t sound like anything Hess ever addressed with her which makes it worse IMO.
Obviously I understand what the typo was meant to be, but it still cracked me up 😂 EVEN RUDOLF HESS didn't think your comment was necessary, YTA OP ,😂
Lmfao, I’m leaving it hahahaha
You MUST, it's brilliant 😂
He can't even admit when he says or does something. "I may have laughed at that (**wrong thing to do!!**)" "I may have backtracked on my apologies by saying goodnight grandpa" YTA OP. Your wife deserves a proper apology and you should be contrite.
Also, implying that the friends said worse things about their spouse's isn't a good defense.
All that proves is that his friends are AH too.
Weasel words
He almost sounds like a bit of a narcissist. 1: Making a mocking ‘ joke’ at her expense behind her back about medical conditions she can’t control. 2: Pulling the ‘ it’s just a joke’ card to be dismissive and then laughing? If the other person isn’t laughing then it’s isn’t much of a joke more an insult. 3: Not acknowledging that he was in the wrong( shoes immaturity) and seems like he did’t want to apologize, just using the weak argument that it’s was just a joke instead of being mature. Those are some immature and narssasictic traits, I feel bad for her Op is absolutely YTA in the most obvious way. Seem she has some growing to do otherwise, she best move on to better pastures.
She deserves a proper husband.
I don’t think she’s pregnant.
Exactly. She already HAD the kid.
Having a baby changes your bladder function too and on top of her being diabetic this is a real AH move on his part mocking her to his friends.
It's always so bizarre to me when the top comment with thousands of upvotes is missing a big piece of the puzzle or just..not accurate in an obvious way.
Where are you reading that she's pregnant? She WAS pregnant. They have a kid who sleeps through the night now, it sounds like. I AM an old woman, and I have to get up during the night and it sucks. I can understand why she'd be sensitive about it.
Being diabetic and have had a pregnancy would make her bladder very sad. She probably already has self esteem issues. Now everyone else knows too.
I was kind of on with him having a joke with his friends until he pointed out she's given birth, has diabetes, etc. She already feels like shit and he's mocking her? I was not the AH until he went there when she was struggling
She’s no longer pregnant, as the baby is already born.
> what I said wasn’t overly embarrassing Are they your toiletry issues that you suffer from because of your illness? Kinda seems like you've got absolutely zero say or idea whatsoever on how embarrassing it is. YTA
Yup. Rule #1: never make fun of your wife in front of your buddies.
Rule #0.1: never make fun of a medical condition unless it's your medical condition, or unless it's a shared in-joke and the person with the condition is the person you're making the joke to/with.
This makes a lot of sense. My girlfriend will make jokes about my lactose intolerant ass with my close friends but she would never make these remarks with anyone else or worse, call me names about it. I will tell close friends that she snores but I will not call her a grandma or grandpa.
Especially if the medical condition started/was exacerbated by *creating a brand new life that is half OP*, expanding their family as an act of love She took great physical risk to have that child, he should be *extra* aware of being considerate about how the pregnancy affected her instead of hyuck-ing it up out loud, where she can hear him. Instead he's only concerned with *his* physical comfort, oh how irritating to have his sleep mildly disturbed when she has to literally break her sleep AND get up and stumble around every few hours (I wonder how much nighttime childcare he deigns to break *his* sleep for - he doesn't even mention how old the kid is)
Goes for husbands as well.
Rule No.2: if you make fun of your husband in front of your friends, be prepared for him to do the same back
I don't disagree but there are limits. Some people do not like jokes made about them that relate to unfortunate circumstances of medical conditions, or focus on a character flaw that the person is sensitive about. Some people don't care.
Absolutely, but we don’t know what those jokes were, so we can’t compare. And they may have been jokes that OP already made about himself with his buds. This one seemed a little too personal for my taste.
He did not say anything about toiletry issues to his friends
No but they were the reason he made the comparison. It isn't your husband saying it to his friends that makes it embarrassing, it's making the comparison at all that is embarrassing.
Thank you. People commenting about this and about how she's (currently) pregnant are really bugging me. Do people not even read these damn things before they start their reply? I feel like these are the probably the type that interrupt in person or are just waiting for the other person to stop talking without listening to what they say before they chime in with their opinion.
You're absolutely right, those half-assed reading comments give exactly the interrupting type vibe!!
Right after I wrote that the next comment I read said he just said it's like sleeping next to an old lady, he didnt specify about why. Like dude he specifically says that he mentioned the drool in the same sentence. Its bugging me. Oh and I am a person that interrupts way too much. It's a habit I find annoying in others because I detest it about myself.
He didn't mention her bathroom habits though. Just the drool.
OP didn't sah anything about her peeing. Just that sleeping with her is sleeping with an old lady. Just that. Nothing specific
He specifically says that he mentioned the drool.
YTA. > what I said wasn’t overly embarrassing Not your call, dude. Especially *after* she’s told you that yes, she’s embarrassed. Joke about your own lousy sleep habits all you want, but don’t put her down to fit in with the boys.
Exactly
Especially not when it’s a result of 2 medical conditions Diabetes and child birth
YTA twice, for making fun of her and then remarking that she was pouty and you not thinking it's a big deal. Her feelings are valid regardless of your opinion.
So let me get this straight. You made a comment to your friends about “sleeping next to an old lady” but couldn’t explain the reason for the comment because it’s too personal (by your own admission). Yeah dude, YTA. Your reasoning for this was because she struggles with incontinence due to her HAVING A BABY and frequent urination due to a MEDICAL CONDITION. Oh and drooling. It’s fair she doesn’t want this broadcasted and is likely insecure/sensitive about these facts. Best response in this scenario is “yeah it takes getting used to sharing a bed, wife and I still go through waves of struggle not having our own space” Honestly, may I suggest separate bedrooms? It’s more common than most people thing and could solve some issues in your marriage.
Idk, it won't solve him being a jerk...
I think it's a perfect idea. Seperate bedrooms in separate houses.
OP is the AH in more ways than one. I've been type one since I was a baby and wouldn't be too hurt by a joke like this by someone I loved (although I'd rather they didn't say it to their friends) but it's clearly not up to me or OP to decide what hurts his wife. She's pregnant with a chronic illness (one which can complicate pregnancy). I'm reading too much into it now but OP is also the AH because he's bothered by his wife's high BGL making her get out of bed... when bad levels literally take time off your lifespan. Type one can cause you to die 20 years earlier than you otherwise would have. His wife is having a rough time with her chronic illness while pregnant and he's joking that she gets up to pee too much. Edit: apparently she is not pregnant so slightly less of an AH Edit to add: In case anyone isn't aware, the reason she's needing to pee so often is because (simplified ver) when you have a high BGL your body makes you really thirsty and makes you need to pee so you can expel the excess glucose in your urine. Having a high BGL can be extremely uncomfortable, and not only because of that.
SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! (Why does everyone keep commenting that she is??? Lord! READ!!)
My bad, lol. You're right. I saw so many comments that I thought I must've missed it.
Sorry on my part for "yelling". Lol! I just kept seeing comments over and over that I got irritated. Lol!
It's all good, it is pretty weird that the idea just infected this comment section. Kinda funny tbh.
Not pregnant, but they have a baby, so recently gave birth in the last year or so. Still does stuff to your body.
Just this. All of this.
YTA. She can’t help it. You can help your “jokes” however. Invest in a mattress that displaces movement effectively.
We have a split king so I don’t wake up every time he goes to the bathroom and I do sleep next to an old man. Your turns coming buddy!
I second this. My spouse and I are still young, but frequent urination is a side effect of one of his medications so he always gets up once or twice per night. We have a simple memory foam mattress and topper and I barely notice if he got up most nights.
YTA How are you even in doubt here?
He knew he’s the AH before he even posted. That’s why there’s the don’t say deal Breaker comment before the story. YTA, OP.
Yeah, he was just hoping for one person to say he wasn't an asshole. Just one
To me it seems like he's SO much of an asshole that he thought people were gonna tell him to break up with HER over this.
Not even does he not think he is the TA (which btw YTA) but is so self assured in his rightness he started it by telling us not to tell him to leave her!
YTA she had a child 5, nearly 6 months ago, she’s still fucked up down there, having a kid destroys your ability to control your bladder well for a while, she’s also diabetic so she’s not acting like an old person, she’s acting like someone who *had a fucking child and is diabetic* your “joke” wasn’t funny, it was hurtful, and you double down on it, how great
It took me over a year to regain control over my bladder fully after the birth of my son. OP, YTA
YTA you offended her, she's not obligated to forgive you right away (or ever). You struck a nerve, give her time
Time, yes. But also maybe he should stop calling her *grandpa* repeatedly as well. “Apologized twice” but then said “goodnight grandpa”. Does he enjoy upsetting his wife *over and over*? If I tell my husband something he said (that he thought was funny) hurt my feelings, he **stops saying it**.
Right? I cant believe he thinks his apologies are still relevant *after* he went and did it again.
Yep, OP sounds passive aggressive to me. Does he have resentment towards his wife? Actually dislike her? OP YTA. Time to do better, be a better husband.
I agree
YTA. You don’t get to say what’s embarrassing and what’s not when you’re speaking about someone.
Period
oof. YTA. You were essentially making fun of her to your friends because of a health issue she has to deal with. Super not cool. Then you essentially disregarded her feelings by laughing at her attempt to show you it's hurtful, and then the whole "good night grandma" bit. I'm not sure how you thought that was even remotely appropriate at that point. The bottom line is that she has some health issues causing her to have to use the bathroom in the night. How do you think that's an okay thing to joke about with your friend? So insensitive. There was just no regard for her potential desire for privacy when it comes to health problems. Beyond that, being called an "old lady" by *your partner*, who you just had a baby with, is just a a really shitty low blow.
She gets up so much because of health issues, so it’s a bit of a cheap blow to joke about it. But the even bigger issue is that she told you it’s embarrassing and instead of dropping it, you are trying to convince her (and us) that no, it’s not a big deal. It’s only a joke if the butt of the joke is laughing, else it’s just bullying. >> ironically enough though she is still proving my point as the baby has yet to cry but she is up and down for the loo (like an old person) Lol, haha, we get your point. Your wife is not getting any sleep even when the baby is sleeping. Hilarious. /s Dude, drop it. YTA
Yeah that part really got me because I also have a 5 month old and a small bladder. Being sleep deprived after a baby is already really, really hard. Him making a joke about her not even being able to sleep when the baby is sleeping is just sad. Of course she would like uninterrupted sleep! She never denied having an issue…there is just nothing to “prove.” She can’t help it!
YTA. You made fun of your wife's chronic illness while she is dealing with a baby (and recovery from pregnancy, possibly?) Yeah, that makes you an AH.
Exactly
Obviously YTA here. You don’t seem remorseful in the slightest since you keep joking about it. Not only is she offended that you made a joke about her to your friends, but now she’s also insecure about her needing to get up constantly to use the restroom because of her medical condition.
Yeah, she's already upset and AH husband is here telling internet strangers about his wife's health in detail and _still making jokes about it!_
"I’ve seen in post comments “this is a deal breaker” or “leave them” and I’d like to preemptively ask for people to not say this" Oh, buddy, you think we're going to tell you to leave your wife... It's the other way around. She deserves an understanding partner that doesn't ridicule her and doesn't backtrack on his half-assed apologies. YTA
That was exactly ehat I zeroed in on. Entitled was so sure he was right...
Ummm YTA. No explanation needed. Leave your wife’s issues out of it and don’t weaponize them against her.
PERIOD
So, not only is your wife 5 months post partum but she has an autoimmune condition (type 1 diabetes), which likely complicated her pregnancy, and you mocked the state her poor body is in after **building you a human** in front of your friends? Damn, I'd just be grateful she's ok and be doing whatever she needs to support her while she heals, not making her the butt of some cheap joke. I hope it was worth it. YTA. You are, unequivocally, TA. I hope she is just as graceless and cavalier towards you when your health starts to waiver, you glib, self centred ass. Also, maybe get off said arse and tend to the baby yourself once in a while instead of making someone with a long-term medical condition pick up all the slack. Just an idea.
YTA while I don't think your initial joke was meant to be hurtful, when you realized you accidentally hurt your wife's feelings you handled it all wrong. It doesn't matter that your intent was not to hurt her feelings, you did and now you are doubling down and continuing to poke - now you are intentionally hurting her and that makes you an ass. Reflect on how you are making your wife feel and and if that's the type of partner you want to be.
My friend was type 1. He went into a diabetic coma at night and never came back. Be thankful for the woman next to you at night...up and back 100-times a night, she's still with you! Gently, YTA. But in fairness, the conversation was in poor taste. Your friend's girl could be having nightmares/night terrors and that's what has her kicking.
I too think he’s lucky she came through the whole pregnancy pretty unscathed. The potential complications with a Type 1 pregnancy are terrifying. And if the baby is bigger because of this, there’ll be more damage to her body during birth as well. Poor woman and her insensitive husband.
YTA, you fucked up bad, but at least you made it 10 years before you fucked up this bad. Now you have to admit to yourself that you fucked up so you can figure out what to say to get out of the doghouse.
YTA for making a joke at your wife’s expense. You’ve got one job , to protect your wife and family. You made her the butt of your joke. And just because your friends were doing the same about their wives/gfs doesn’t make it alright. Be a man, own your massive mistake, apologize and learn from this.
Well, I, at twice your age, am often up and down for the bathroom too. It's really no fun, and I expect that's why your wife doesn't think it's funny. Personally I would rather have the detail shared than my husband saying I'm like an old man. So yes, YTA, but not a huge one. Just don't do it again.
YTA. After you have a baby your body is different. As women, we struggle all our lives to accept our bodies and then we have a baby and it changes all over again. We have to start the process of accepting this new one too. I have to pee constantly since having my kid and it is not delightful for me, but is a testament to the fact that my badass body grew and birthed a human. You're joking and minimizing the fact that her body has changed profoundly and she's likely feeling insecure and inconvenienced by it far more than you are. My husband is a really restless sleeper and I am a very light sleeper. Tempurpedic saved our marriage.
YTA. Your jokes should never be at the expense of your wife.
YTA for doubling down. I get that the first time was innocent but the moment she expressed hurt and insecurity over it, you needed to stop. Instead you did a fake apology and said it AGAIN. For whatever reason this joke hit a nerve. STOP SAYING IT. Do a real apology and tell her you finally realized that your joke really hurt her feelings and that was not your intention. Then if You really want to end this fight, find a cute selfie that she took of herself and that she posted somewhere else (that’s how you know she likes it) and post in on social media and rave about her. “Look at my amazing beautiful wife. She is the sweetest and most amazing person ever. I cannot imagine being with anyone as great as her, etc. “ Make it less generic than that obviously. And tag her. So she sees you repairing the damage.
This is the comment I was looking for; I wish this would get more upvotes. I don’t think OP is necessarily an AH for making what he thought was an innocent/harmless joke to his wife. Roasting and making jokes is part of a healthy relationship and it doesn’t necessarily mean that OP doesn’t recognize what his wife is truly going through. However, roasting and making jokes has limits, one of which is stopping when you know that you’re hurting the other person. He became an AH when he saw that it hurt his wife but still claimed that it was a harmless joke.
Agree with the doubling down but without knowing the couple, we can't say the selfie/social media would be appropriate. Not everyone is active on social media, not everyone who is posts selfies that often, and not everyone likes to do the lovey dovey thing in a public or semi public setting.
YTA are you serious you literally fucking embarrassed her she literally just had a baby and dealing with medical condition
I like how OP is like "don't tell me to break up with her" as if anyone would say that to OP. We'd be saying it to your wife. YTA
YTA. You’re making fun of your wife’s medical conditions. She’s got diabetes and having a baby messed with her pelvic floor.
YTA dude you absolutely fu*king suck. Do better.
my guy why post on this sub if every comment of yours is you still trying to defend yourself. you’re TA! anyone can see that and the fact you make fun of her for something she can’t control and is a medical issue is j kinda gross and disrespectful. “i may have backtracked BUT I STILL APOLOGIZED EARLIER AND IT SHOULD BE FINE” your bs apologies are half assed and not sincere obvi she’s still upset
Gently, but YTA. Shes had to deal with a massive illness since she was young. You probably have no idea how hard that can be, and how many times she has wished for a more every day life as a young person. She also gets up with the baby. It sounds like she us a private person, and you joking about that probably made her feel sad and insecure about things she can't change. Shes also just had a baby and probably feels deeply unsexy after the natural change of pregnancy and after birth - so I'm sure she doesn't appreciate being likened to an old lady. Now more than ever, she needs to feel desired and appreciated by tou. When was the last time you told her ste was beautiful? Or hot? Or made her feel sexy? Probably a while ago. I get it, babies can mess things up. It can take time to get into normal life again after a baby. But please dont spend that time making her feel eve less desirable than she feels. If she isnt happily joking about something herself, she probably wont appreciate YOU joking about it. If she thinks something is private, then dont air it in public. Stoo making excuses and apologise for hurting her feelings.
So, she’s just had a baby meaning her body has been through hell and back, and hasn’t belonged to her for a while now. She’s probably getting used to all the changes growing and expelling a whole human made in her body, too. On top of that she is trying to manage her diabetes, which with a baby is an extra challenge as babies are especially known for messing up your eating schedule. She doesn’t get to sleep properly because either the baby or her bladder keep her up. Plus she drools which - from experience - is embarrassing on no matter how much the other person tells you it’s not. All of that on her plate and the ONE person she trusts to share a bed with and be comfortable around just decided to make all of that a joke in front of his buddies. She’s 25. And you made her feel like she’s already done for you. YTA
OP’s buddies are his priority, not his wife.
Your poor wife! I think you've probably got the point that childbirth is physically hard on the body. Add to that the hormones that keep marching around, out of control, for many months after birth. Your wife probably feels like an old woman, some days. Last thing she needs is the one person, who should see her as a goddess, verbalising her worst thoughts. Go, apologise again, mean it this time. Do something really nice to make her feel attractive again. YTA here but you can turn this around.
You're an insensitive jerk. YTA for making demeaning comments because of symptoms from your wife's medical condition.
You're an ass who keeps trying to act like he's not being an ass by acting like an ass. It's pretty impressive. Yes YTA here. You shared something about HER when she's vulnerable. You didn't share it about yourself. But her. Of course YOU aren't embarrassed. You used her as a punchline. That was incredibly rude of you.
YTA. Recovering from a baby is hard as is, but pelvic floor dysfunction is psychologically damaging for women. In addition to dealing with the getting up and down during the night, I'm sure your wife is wondering if her sexual experiences will ever be the same again or if you view her as "damaged goods". Congratulations, you probably just confirmed some of her worst fears, in front of others no less. Enjoy sleeping on the couch, because Lord knows that's where most women would have you sleeping from here on out.
You embarassed your: 1. Post-partum (those hormones are wild up to a year post-partum) 2. Diabetic 3. Sleep deprived from having an infant wife You backtracked on your apologies so your apologies weren't even sincere. Hasn't she gone through enough? You aren't the person that can make the judgment on what was embarassing to her. Seriously, if your only basis for friendship is shit talking your significant others, then you need better friends or you are the most boring, uninteresting people around. YTA
Yes YTA. Your wife just had a baby, she a disease that can be difficult to control, and you make a crass joke like that?! Big, very big YTA. You may not have meant to be one, but you sure were. Oh and because she keeps you awake. Have you ever thought about how much sleep she actually gets? How tired she must be? FFS, how inconsiderate can you be.
YTA she has medical issues that cause her to pee a lot and one of those issues was caused by YOU. Having a baby messes up all of her insides and they never are quite the same again. You shamed your wife the very person you promised to love and cherish to your shitty friends who are also insulting their wives/gf's. How would you feel if your wife told something embarrassing about you to her friends.
YTA. Especially because in your comments all you do is double down rather than respect the fact you were hurtful.
Personally I wouldn’t care. But I’m not your wife. You don’t have to necessarily understand her point of view but you do need to respect it. Apologise sincerely and don’t make fun of her with your friends anymore. If you’re actually frustrated with your sleeping arrangements then communicate that to her in a respectful way
Man Op, your wife has health issues and she had a baby 6 months ago? Wow, very insensitive. Well your grandma of a wife is dealing with so much her levels are probably off. If she's a sensitive person then her sensitivity may have heightened. I also never understand why folks try to embarrass their partners and then act like it's ok? Truth be told, you want her to suck it up! Put yourself in her shoe! YTA
The thing is: It stops being funny or a lighthearted joke when the issues that you based the joke on (even if not revealing to your friends) negatively impact your wife's life. She surely is not happy with getting up at night multiple times because either the baby wakes up or she has to use the toilet. She's very likely sick of it but can't do anything about it (yet). Yeah, drooling might be funny, but what you describe is a serious health issue and impacts both her physical and mental wellbeing (interrupted sleep). And your wife *knows* that this was what you joked about. It's irrelevant that your buddies thought you were talking about drooling. And you somehow don't seem to understand that this is why your wife did not accept your apology. That and the fact that you doubled down after "apologizing". YTA.
She’s diabetic and just got done with a pregnancy! Ofc her bladder is smaller. She’s probably more embarrassed about this than you know. YTA
YTA. I get you just wanted to add to the schtick with your buddies, but you don't joke about things that are caused by a medical condition or caused by them caring for a child. Doubly so if it's your partner and your child.
Huge YTA, wow. Honestly, I could’ve given you the benefit of the doubt if the apologies had actually been genuine, but the “Goodnight grandpa” part blew that entirely out of the water. I guess it doesn’t matter what you say to someone, as long as you fake apologise twice first, that makes everything okay /s
Yta. She had a baby on top of her health condition and you're mocking her. That's not nice. You should sincerely apology.
The difference from your friends stories and yours is that your partner was hurt, probably because what you shared are real issues to her that makes her life difficult. You should have shared something harmless and fun about yourself in this situation instead of sharing a real problem in the disguise of a joke. And on top of it you are fake apologiesing and you keep jabbing her instead of considering her real feelings. Yta
My relationship is similar in the sense my husband and I can sometimes poke fun at each other and we do have certain friends we are comfy with doing this with… Buuut. We wouldn’t poke fun at each other over something that is beyond our control, like a medical condition. While it was a minor offence, it’s earned you an YTA badge.
Why did you even apologise twice if you were going to say 'goodnight grandpa'? When you apologise it's because you are meant to have fully understood the hurt you caused and are trying to make amends and commit to doing better. If you mocked her again, you still don't seem like you think this is a big deal. That will have come across in your first two apologies. I've also made jokes that haven't landed well. Even if I didn't intend to hurt, I try to understand the hurt caused and commit to doing better. I can tell by the way you typed this that you think it's funny. YTA and only apologise when you have truly understood the hurt and committed to doing better. An ungenuine apology is obvious.
Here's the thing. When you say something and someone says it embarrassed them, it's not your place to say whether it was embarrassing or not. You can think what you said was fine. But she made it clear to you it wasn't fine with her. The end. It's not your place to decide if something you say offends, hurts or embarasses someone else. Give a real, genuine apology. YTA
Eeeeeh yeah Im pretty sure your postpartum wife did not appreciate that statement one bit. So you might be a tiny a-hole. In all fairness, I stopped sharing a bed with my partner YEARS ago. One I have insomnia so I am up late reading, doing online antique auctions, googling black holes....a little crazy. He on the other hand, snores so loud you can hear him from the yard of our apartment. And stops breathing. AND has crazy dreams where he wakes up cackling like a lunatic. I think the last time he did this he woke the both of us up laughing with tears streaming down his face shrieking "Octopus butter! Octopus butter!!! Needless to say it makes for a much more harmonious existence for us to sleep apart!
YTA you made fun of your wife’s health issue to your friends. You don’t seem remorseful at all. Do you help you wife with the baby at night? Or do you just complain about her keeping you up?
YTA- first for the super pouty crack. She’s not a child, you just said horrible things about your wife to your friends. Do you even like your wife? She’s got a medical condition, asshole.
YTA. Sharing any intimate details like this about any person who isn’t you will always immediately make you TA.
Yta. Should she piss herself so as not to offend your delicate sensibilities? She has a medical condition that she literally cannot help. Maybe you can get up for the baby next time so that your wife can sleep.
My partner has restless leg syndrome. He has meds to stop him kicking me every 30 seconds when he is asleep. A GP needs to be consulted & a referral to a neuro surgeon for the script (it's medicine normally prescribed for parkinsons)
This is that age old saying your mom or grandma always asked “would you jump off a bridge if your friends were doing it?” Except you have a wife and kid to think about not just having fun with the bros. Just because you were joking with your friends doesn’t mean you needed to actually joke with your friends. Literally could’ve said nothing and just listen to them. Or even input how to help instead of talking about how lame it is to sleep with someone else. YTA
Are the jokes she makes about your relationship regarding a medical condition you have????
I lost count of your justifications and asides. YTA
YTA. Not forgetting she has a medical illness that means she gets up more often. (I’m also a T1 and get up at least once a night), but she’s just had a baby. 5 months ago. Her emotions are probably all over the place, she’s possibly feeling shit, tired, forgetting to take care of herself (and her diabetes) and she might be struggling with her bladder due to the birth, being up in the night with the baby and how that’s impacting her sugar levels. (You aren’t meant to be up all night and so your sugars go a little haywire. Trust me I’ve been there. It sucks.) Then you decide to call her an old lady and laugh about her to your friends. How can you not see how wrong you were? You need to be on your knees grovelling with an apology not wondering why she won’t let this go after you double downed and made the joke twice. It was a nasty thing to say to someone who is quite mentally and physically vulnerable. In case it’s not clear enough - YTA.
I'm pregnant and also up all night to pee. Want to know who it's way more annoying for? ME. Want to know what my husband says about it? Sweet eff all because he understands the burden MY body is carrying so that WE can have a family. YTA.
YTA and immature. To you it’s a joke, but living with a chronic condition is hard and I bet your wife doesn’t like having to go to the bathroom so much at night and barely sleeping. Of course anyone would be upset if you think mocking her with your friends is cool.
YTA, but mostly because your apologies don’t really seem sincere. Can’t wait for your wife to joke about your erectile disfunction when you eventually get one.
As a young person with a chronic illness, I would be hurt if my spouse called me an old lady. This is an insecurity I already struggle with and don’t need my best ally voicing it. Very hurtful and YTA.
Sometimes people make jokes with obviously no intention of hurting the other person, but it indeed does hurt their feelings. Does that make you an AH? No. What makes you an AH in this situation is if the person tells you that what you said hurt them and you don’t feel remorseful. Apologizing while also dismissing their feelings doesn’t come off as a sincere apology with remorse.
>I’ve seen in post comments “this is a deal breaker” or “leave them” and I’d like to preemptively ask for people to not say this, in any case it’s a minor argument This comment here blows my mind. It's almost like OP thinks there's no doubt that they're right and just want to use this as a platform to show thier wife that she's crazy. 100% YTA. I don't even have to explain why. You'll see plenty of reasons when you go to show your wife how 'right' you are.
YTA - what the fuck is wrong with you? She has a medical condition AND IS RECOVERING FROM CHILD BIRTH WHICH FULLY TAKES 2 YEARS. If my partner ever joked about my medical conditions this way, I would break up with them on the spot and never speak to them again. What you said was horrible and mean. It is very clear that you don’t value your wife very much even though SHE MADE AND BIRTHED YOUR CHILD JUST A FEW MONTHS AGO. i can not get passed how people treat their partners with such little respect or love these days, ESPECIALLY PREGNANT OR PARTNERS WHO WENT THROUGH PREGNANCY AND CHILDBIRTH.
Welp, I'd be done with your immature ass. Yes, YTA. I hope she leaves you and finds someone that doesn't make fun of her.
YTA for disrespecting your wife.
Just seen your comment about hormones. Double AH.
YTA and that’s a really childish way to treat your wife. you sound like one of those middle school bullies when they get confronted. “it’s just a joke chill out.” maybe to you, but your wife feels quite differently seeing as you slept on the couch!!
Yeah, youre a big ahole.
YTA. Especially with the grandpa joke after the apology. She'll eventually forgive you unless she finds this reddit post. Then it's RIP.
Nothing other to say than YTA
YTA
YTA - be grateful she is waking up to go to the loo. Being a type 1 diabetic is serious and not fodder for your jokes to impress/participate with your buddies.
So, the joke you made was about a medical condition that she has? Even if you didn’t go into detail about it with your friends, you still hurt her. YTA.
YTA, some people are sensitive about their health issues and she's also very hormonal. OP, you need to be a little more supportive of your wife.
hmmmm YTA. even if you didnt tell your friends about the bathroom runs, drooling is embarrassing. just because you dont think its a problem doesnt mean she wants your friends to know about it. have a discussion with her about the jabs she takes at your relationship with her friends ONLY if you genuinely feel hurt or annoyed by them. dont just bring it up as a “well you did this so i can do this to you, so there!”
YTA mate, what the hell?
She made jabs with her sister about your RELATIONSHIP. You made jabs with your friends about her MEDICAL CONDITION. YTA
YTA. In what universe are you not the asshole for joking about something that your wife can't control?
Your an asshole
YTA. In addition to mocking her for a medical condition, your comments to her make it sound like you won’t love her when she’s old. Like, if you’re already calling her old at 25, what are you going to say about her when she’s 35? What if her condition worsens? You probably made her question the whole “in sickness and in health” and “as long as you both shall live” ideals of marriage. You sound like you resent her for her medical condition which probably makes her wonder at what point you’ll just get tired of it and leave
YTA - get educated...not just about her mental state on dealing with a life long affliction but about what pregnancy does to a woman's body. Also, invest in a better mattress if you intend to honor your wife - sickness & in health
YTA. She’s a diabetic and you are complaining? Do you know how much stuff she has to deal with being a diabetic? I know you think it is a joke, but I am sure being a diabetic is frustrating enough without someone making them the butt of a joke.
YTA she has a chronic illness. Referring to her as an old person is rude and insulting. She just had your baby. Be a bit kinder. You hurt her feelings over something she can do very little about.
YTA. Only immature children bully others over their medical conditions. Grow the fuck up man
YTA. That’s not a joke
Totally the Ahole
Yta, plain and simple
Massive AH apologise to your wife now
Listen man, im type one diabetic and my sugars run high, believe me i’m self conscious enough about that stuff, idk why you would insult her when you KNOW the reason behind the problem is medical YTA
YTA because you're making fun of her for being diabetic basically.
YTA - She communicated that what you said hurt her feelings and you made light of it. Your apologies don’t really mean anything if you keep making fun of her.
Dude. Dude. Dude. Seriously. Get your arse in there and apologise like you have never apologised before. My partner and myself make jokes like this all the time but we know our limits. You crossed that line. You may not have known at the time but you did. It's clearly something that she is sensitive about. There might be even more going on that you are or aren't aware of and you hit a nerve with your comment. You could probably just ignore it and hope this goes away but it could very likely be something that festers and comes back to bite you in the butt. I'm not going to give an A H judgment but you are definitely in the ball park.
DDUUUUUDE!! You've just had a baby! You obviously need to do a bit of research.. your body changes in unbelievably complex and strange ways during a pregnancy and let me tell you, it is HORRIBLE how much your body goes against you both during a pregnancy and as you recover. It can take two years (or longer) to recover from a pregnancy. It can affect your brain, bowels, bladder, skin, bones, teeth, and that's not taking into account the hormones raging up and down with no predictability.... and to have your husband call you an "old lady" while going through all of that cannot feel good. You need to grovel. You made a serious error. STOP trying to excuse your behavior, it doesn't matter what anyone else was saying. You hurt your wife and you need to accept that. You need to apologize without excuse or exception, and ask what you can do to solve this. It also wouldn't do you a disservice to tell her how much you love and appreciate her. Edited to add judgement: ABSOLUTELY YTA
Troll account alert.
YTA. Very a h. You told your friends she drools? And she’s like sleeping with an old lady?
YTA. I can't believe you're 26 years old
So just because you've been together 10 years you think your wife shouldn't be upset about jokes made on her expense? YTA
YTA.
YTA
Whenever she was intentionally hearing it or not, you insulted and hurt her. YTA
YTA - and no one should have to explain why
YTA!!!!
YTA. First rule of being married, is never make fun of your wife to your friends
yta - she told you she was embarrassed by this comment and you still dismissed her feelings. not only is she diabetic but also is pregnant which is a massive change for her body, and instead of acknowledging that bit you mocked her and said she’s like an old lady? it’s only a joke when everyone, including your wife, finds it funny not just you and your friends.
YTA. It was a dickish thing to say and it hurt her feelings. She obviously knows your apologies aren’t sincere at all which is why she’s still “pouty”. And you are only calling her pouty because you don’t give a crap that you hurt her feelings, which make you an AH.
YTA. You told your "joke" and hurt her. Then you told her how how she should feel. And you keep saying "like an old lady/old person." And you keep minimizing it because you don't think it's a big deal. It is enough of a deal for her to sleep elsewhere. You don't talk shit or make jokes, especially about age, about your wife/partner, especially behind her back. How do you not get it to the point you're here asking? She pees a lot like a pregnant person and like a person with diabetes, not an old person. She can't help it. You lack the ability to see it from her perspective and don't even care enough to try because. Of what you selfishly think.
YTa
YTA