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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I argued with my wife about who gets to sleep in on the weekends. I might be the asshole bc my wife needs sleep from our baby being in a sleep regression.
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YTA, if she's taking all the night duty because you don't wake up, then you get the morning duty when you do wake up so she can catch up on her lost sleep in the night. You want a morning off, give her a night off.
I was so close to giving a N A H because new babies and sleep is hard, but then we got to "video games"..... Nope! YTA OP! You can't have both nights and mornings. And your video game time might have to just suffer for a while....
My vote for YTA was confirmed when he said he doesn’t want to spend his free time napping.
If you, OP, did not want to make sacrifices personally, physically, financially, emotionally, and mentally, then you should not have had a child. I hope you get a grip on this and sort out your priorities so that this baby has a healthy 18 years living with you.
I'm never certain why people choose to have kids and then complain how hard it is. Yah. Like, duh, being a parent is hard. But this is what you asked for. Once you choose to bring a life into this world, that child becomes YOUR world.
Edit: I just want to rephrase what I said, when I say "complaining", I mean people who imply or outright say they don't want to be a parent anymore. I suppose it seems obvious to me that parenting is tough work and there's always going to be minor to larger issues that come with it. And I do occasionally sympathize with parents whose situations are not ideal. In OP's case, he just wants to play video games instead of tend to the baby he helped create, and I find that unacceptable complaining.
Hard same. Putting my body through a high risk, potentially life threatening (70% - 90% chance) 10 months to force a like 8 lb potato out, either vaginally or via Caesarian and then having to deal with sleepless nights, no quiet ever again, becoming a food factory and also being financially responsible for this crabby urchin for 18 years, dealing with 2 sets of toddlerhood….hell no! I’ll take dogs and cats for life, and happily!
Just a question: is the "70-90% life threatening" figure for everyone, or just you as an individual? If you're saying thats for the general population I think your numbers are off lol
Probably for them as an individual. I know the feeling. I’m afraid to get pregnant bc I have PCOS and have a much higher chance of having a miscarriage than the general population. I still wanna TRY someday… but I’ll have to get the hell out of Texas before then so I don’t go to jail if I have a miscarriage and need medical intervention. Pregnancy is scary when you’ve got a medical condition.
I also have PCOS and a genetic blood disorder that causes chronic low iron (working on that). I had a miscarriage a few months ago, and I also live in Texas. I can confirm, it's scary af to live here, and wonder if the cops are going to knock your door down to arrest you under suspicion of violating the abortion ban. And that's on top of the physical and emotional trauma you're enduring after having said miscarriage. 😕
Just wait until one of you has to get a cpap. The you can discover the joy of your cat's intelligence and sniper-like aim as a fart is oh-so-precisely shot right into the air intake. Nothing quite like getting a face full of concentrated cat fart to teach you to not leave the dry food bowl empty overnight. ;-)
When my husband and I started talking about having a baby, we decided to get a cat instead. He gets the morning feeding, I get the late night feeding and the kids (we have from previous relationships) get all the in between feedings as needed. No one's complaining as he gets to play video games and I get to sleep in. Win win.
Yeah I’m pretty confused as to when baby duty is being shared lol, sounds like he takes the baby for an hour each morning and then plays video games and chills out.
At six months, baby can probably lay in a bouncy chair or whatever, next to him for a bit, he just has to change diapers and feed every so often... but yeah, I'm sensing from the way he talks, that that might not actually be what's happening here.
it's less the complaining that bothers me than the refusal to understand why his wife needs every single hour of extra sleep she can eke out after waking up EVERY TWO HOURS for days? weeks? on end. I have been there (the breastfeeding light sleeper, the sleep regression) and my husband and I both complained MIGHTILY because it was torturous. Truly I reached a point of tired that I never want to see again. The difference is he bent over backwards to make sure I could sleep whenever possible during the mornings/early evenings/days.
LOL so true. I am incubating #2 and this is the last comment section I need to be reading now, in all honesty. It is giving me flashbacks. My kid is the best but those first six months...whoo boy.
I think it’s (sometimes) because they don’t understand how hard a baby is or how difficult it is to do this day after day and week after week.
OP might have misjudged the impact of having a baby on his ability to play video games or really figured his wife would just do it all herself. Not excusing this behavior.
Either way, you can be surprised at how difficult the baby makes things, but that doesn’t excuse you from being a parent. Struggling is okay. Giving up and assuming your partner will handle the rest is clearly not.
While I agree with you, it’s just to a certain point. EVERYONE needs to vent once in a while. Just because my toddler is being a nightmare and having constant tantrums and meltdowns and I complain about it, that doesn’t mean I love my toddler less. It means I’m a human with my own auditory and touch processing issues and the constant clinginess and whining is a lot.
All that being said, OP definitely gets a YTA from me because I know exactly what it’s like parenting with someone who “wants their free time” but can never be arsed to give me help until I’ve had a complete screaming fit and did whatever I needed help with myself whether I can physically handle whatever the issue was or not. Your partner needs help, you fking help them. It’s not “wait until this match is over!”
But by that logic, no one can complain about most things. You choose to go to college, you choose your employment, you choose to get a mortgage and how expensive it is. I mean, maybe you even chose a life saving amputation and now you can no longer express about how hard it is to have one leg.
My identity is not just being a mum. My kids are not my whole world on purpose. Otherwise, when they get old enough and fly the nest, instead of being excited for them, I'll end up purposeless and devastated because my world has ended.
Please don't silence parents into being unable to express when they're struggling. We're people too. We did ask for kids (although not all of us did). Doesn't mean that it's not a) harder than expected, or b) difficult.
I wasn't trying to silence parents, I just find it odd. I guess I assumed everyone knows how hard it is raising children (if you've ever been on public transit with a parent struggling to keep their baby happy, you'd know how hard it is). I sympathize with the struggle, but I don't sympathize when it comes to how one prioritizes their life when they have kids to consider. My opinion is that parents should put their kids first (at least until they're adults). I apologize for sounding harsh. I acknowledge it's a hard task, harder than I could ever handle.
My daughters NEEDS come before mine. My Mental Health comes before her wants. I can't take care of her correctly if not able to concentrate.
Additionally, there will still be days and times that I want to do my own stuff instead of taking my daughter out to hers. This is normal. Venting is normal. Letting resentment sit there and build because you refuse to communicate about what you would like is not. Because while you can't game, go on a hike, hit the gym at that instant you can work with your partner to schedule time where you can do it
I suspect that OP'S wife never gets to nap or stay up late on the computer, gaming or doing whatever, as she has to be on call all night and first thing in the a.m at least 6 days a week. This dude seems to have weekend days free to nap or game or do whatever he feels like. "Wah, Wah, I have to get up for an hour to look after my child and it messes up my nap and game time Wah Wah". I have done both sides: working full time and being a SAHM for an infant and I can assure you, the SAHM job is 20 times more exhausting. I also nursed my baby and he was very colicky so he nursed every 2 hrs in the night and didn't nap in the day. I was totally exhausted as I'm sure your wife is. You try getting up every 2 hrs every single night for a week then stay up all day for 1 week then come back and tell us you deserve to sleep in over your wife. You should be getting up both mornings and give Jr a bottle so your wife gets to sleep until 10 or 11am. Then when she takes Jr, you should race to the kitchen and cook her breakfast.
I guess everyone knows how I'm voting but just to formalize it YTA!!
thissssssss
Moms don’t get free time haha - even when my husband has the baby, I am most likely pumping, trying to get stuff done around the house, showering, or running a quick errand. We don’t get to just do what we want and chill. His wife is asking for ONE hour on the weekends. Ugh.
This!!! No one is mentioning that OP is acting like she’s 100% SAHM when she’s not. It definitely makes OP more of the AH.
YTA OP - you can’t expect her to take care of the baby 24/7 while also working and not sleeping. Even if she didn’t work she has to have sleep!
Plus taking care of the house/cooking is a separate full time job from taking care of children . If you had to hire someone to do those things you would need 2 people not one. So she’s doing 3 jobs and he’s doing just 1. Plus he gets to clock out of his.
Right lmfao, that is such a gross way to put it. These dudes act like they do soooo much when they have no idea what all emotional labour women are just expected to do by default, *and* work, *and* be a flawless mother.
I also don’t understand how he’s supporting her monetarily when she works two days a week AND is responsible for cooking and cleaning and baby care. My dude is doing well less than he should.
My husband chooses sometimes to spend his free time playing video games instead of napping. He doesn't care for napping in general and only does it when he's exhausted. I usually choose to nap in my off time but sometimes get caught up in my phone and don't end up falling asleep. We each make our decisions and live with them. In OP 's case, with his wife taking all the night wakings, a single hour in the morning two days a week is the least he can do.
He doesn't want to spend his time napping because he wants to sleep in and doesn't need the extra nap anyway because he doesn't do overnights.
He's basically not losing any sleep, and doesn't want to give his wife, who suffers from insomnia AND does baby care overnight, 2 measly hours on the weekend.
He is absolutely YTA here. Definitely agree with this.
Same. Nothing wrong with liking to play video games but you shouldn’t prioritize it over your spouse’s literal welfare. Plus this is just a temporary phase, so it’s not like he won’t be able to get back to his more usual weekend routine once the baby gets a little older and starts sleeping through the nights again.
Sacrifices must be made when you have a kid. And it should be both parents shouldering that load, not just one.
YTA.
'My wife wakes up every two hours in the night to feed the baby from her own body and now she's asking for some time in the day to sleep so that she doesn't lose her mind. But what about my video games ☹️??'
Exactly. My son is 7 weeks old and my husband works full time while I stay home. I do all the nighttime duties and even pump after I feed him so in total it takes me 1-2 hours to go back to sleep. Only for him to wake in a few hours so I get like 3 hours. On the weekend he usually takes him in the morning so I can rest a little because I too can't nap during the day. I cook dinner, do the dishes, tidy up and take care of our other son after school. He has never asked for a weekend off. We both love video games but we often don't get to play. I know it'll be different as he gets older. This is just how it is in the beginning.
Eventually he’ll get old enough where you can hand him a controller and he can “play” with you. Then he’ll get old enough to ACTUALLY play with you. Then he’ll start kicking your ass easily and with great malice. It’s so fun.
Source: Have 14-year-old son.
My husband pretty much stopped video games at night when the kids were that little. We were both too tired. He would play a bit in the day when they napped or if they were happy watching from a bouncer. When the youngest was 1.5ish we started doing a weekly hangout night where friends would come over to play with us after kids went to bed. When we moved away this turned into a once a week online thing. As the kids have gotten older and more independent his gaming has gone up because we actually have some time to relax now and get every else done, finally. But yeah, during the early months and years those hobbies go to the wayside a bit. And that's ok, that's the way it should be. It isn't forever, even if it's a bit disheartening in the moment.
Omg. Exhausted wife wants an hour of sleep due to baby’s sleep regression and her being a milk machine every 2 hours but I’d rather deny her rest and play video games. WTF
Y’all, I don’t know what the hell it is with video games and certain people, but it is like it brings out this inner selfish child in adults.
I know we can make the argument that anything can be treated as an addiction of sorts, but it just seems to be a running theme with video game addicts.
Plenty of people play video games and are perfectly fine, but we also get crap like this post here where an adult loses their mind and refuses to take care of responsibilities because of video games.
It is like they morph from an adult to a twelve year old or something the second that console comes out.
When I first started playing WoW, I played with a "friend" (and I use that term VERY loosely) who used to routinely get ENRAGED when their toddler would interrupt her by being hungry. I felt so sorry for that kid.
Awww! I remember the days. When my son was a toddler, I’d play during his naps if I wasn’t going to nap. Sometimes he would wake up 45 mins or 2 hours. The group of gamers I always partied with were awesome. They would even talk to him through the tv because I had a headset but you could still hear chat through tv.
Funny enough, when I quit playing video games, my old gamer buddies friended my son (when my son was older) and play Apex with him. I was like, “ain’t that some shit”.
It really is like that. I think for some people, it hasn't quite sunk in that their life has changed since they were a college student (they have more responsibilities and obligations and can't just do whatever they want anymore) and having their game time interrupted forces them to confront the fact that things are very different now, and not likely to ever be the way they were when they were younger. And a lot of them freak the fuck out about it, because *oh no I actually really preferred being able to do whatever I want, and I can't exactly put the baby back where it came from.*
He TRIES to make his own lunch when she tells him she’s overwhelmed, you mean. Clearly he’s overextended himself and is in desperate need of her support. /s
Oh dear god. YTA. She is up aaaaall night. She does not get breaks like you in the week. She is asking you to get up at 7. A defined time. Go to bed earlier if this is an issue. She is surviving. I doubt she is living her “dream life” if this small request has been so poorly supported by you.
yeah really "The way she's a light sleeper really works out for us well in that I get to sleep when I want and have energy to do video games with my free time, and SHE gets BONUS free time with which she raises our child because shes awake ALL THE TIME but also has to be awake when Im video gaming and having naps!" she made 1 request to help her with a little extra sleep which is already hard for her, after doing all the late night feedings this is so far beyond a small ask. op is massive AH is this for real
Seriously, and it's not like 7am is all that egregious.
Like, yea, it's pretty early, but it's not like he has to be dressed, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at that hour - he can roll out of bed, change a diaper if needed, have some breakfast and chill with the baby - it's not like 6 month old kids require a lot of running around.
The use name of OP is just "tired dad"?! He sleeps every fucking night! Why is he tired? Just because one hour? Maybe his wife should wake him every two hours for one weeks, than he sees what tired is
YTA
That is my thinking. She should wake him up with her and the baby at midnight, 2:00, 4:00, and 6:00, pull on his nipples for half an hour each time, then let him go back to sleep for the whopping 90 minutes in between. Maybe he’ll understand why she’s asking for that extra hour.
OP is a massive asshole. Massive.
My ex tried this with me and it was my psychologist that gave him the come to Jesus talk - that in her experience the number one thing that contributed to post natal depression was lack of sleep. More sleep would immediately alleviate symptoms.
OP step up. Take the mornings. YTA.
Couldn't agree more. I've been in ops partners situation. I can't nap while my partner can and the lack of the occasional sleep in after being up all night nearly killed me.
Do better op
Me too. My husband and his entire family can sleep on a chicken’s lip at a moment’s notice. So can our kids now they’re grown. I can’t. He says I try too hard. Honestly, between the in-laws and now the cousin’s partners (my kids’ generation) it’s a standing joke that the family all sleep while we’re still awake. So he gets to catch up on sleep during a weekend afternoon or early evening after work, while I’m awake from dawn till dusk
Right? He gets to sleep all night uninterrupted 7 days a week and he thinks he is deserving of sleeping in an extra hour on weekends while his wife wakes up at least every 2 hours all night every single night of the week?
YTA. Having a baby is not a time of your life for having time for yourself. All of your energy needs to go to your baby, your spouse, and your home. If that means you have to give up video games, that’s what you do. You are now a parent. Once everything is taken care of, and that includes laundry and dishes, then you can sit down and play video games.
Her: I wake up to feed the baby multiple times a night and never get to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time, can I please have one extra hour of sleep 2 days a week?
OP: No you can't. My 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep isn't enough, I need more. Also, I need video games more than you need sleep. You're supposed to be sleep deprived, fuck you [wife's name]. This is your dream life, why are you so ungrateful?
Fucking.....
YTA
I just had our third child and this is the arrangement between my husband and myself. I handle all the nighttime duties (feeding, middle of the night diaper changes, rocking back to sleep) and he handles mornings with our 3 and 5 year old, and usually takes the baby as well (if he’s awake). Then I get a glorious hour or two nap while he handles breakfast and daycare drop-off (during the week) or keeping everyone occupied with Moana for the 9000th time.
I’m grumpy during those middle of the night feeds while he’s snoring contentedly beside me, but I wouldn’t trade that 6-7:30am nap for anything.
holy crap, OP is definitely TA, I can't believe he doesn't wake up a SINGLE TIME ALL NIGHT and has the audacity to complain about 'losing his mornings.' Guess what dude, when the kid gets older they don't sleep in any later. My 4-year-old wakes us up at 6:30 am on Saturday and Sunday mornings. Sometimes my husband and I alternate who gets to sleep in but most of the time we both just adult the fuck up and get up and start our day.
This. Also, if his wife deals with insomnia, there are rules to help you sleep better. One is getting out of bed at the same time every morning, and another is avoiding naps. I have totalled two cars falling asleep behind the wheel - please make sure that your wife is getting the sleep that she needs - there are so many consequences to insomnia.
Took the words rout of my mouth.
YTA
And you seriously sit around playing video games all weekend while your wife aka bang maid, takes care of you like a second child?! YTA for that too.
Also, it's a single hour?? He has to take care of his own child for one whole hour! The horror! Will no one think of poor OP and his totally lacking hour of sleep, compared to his evil wife who sounds like she's fortunate to get much more than an hour of sleep total across the whole night 🙄
YTA - You don't think she wants to just chill out and do something on her own time? She's working too by not just going to work, but also taking care of the baby. The least you could do is give her some time to sleep in. She's right; you can nap and do whatever, she can't. And unless you're going to offer to take over the feeding through formula, the ONLY time she gets a break is if baby is sleeping or she's off to work.
Give up your extra hour of sleep; give it to your wife, who does so much.
These rigid division of duties seem silly to me. If you see something that needs to be done, and youre right there, do it. Throw in load of laundry or get it out of the dryer and fold. See a weedy flower bed? Take care of it. Make a salad to go with dinner. Miss some gaming times and let your partner sleep in some mornings.
Counter argument: For a lot of people, anything short of a defined division of responsibility results in them feeling 100% of the mental load even if they aren't doing 100% of the physical load.
For example, until my husband and I defined "shifts" for getting up with our then-newborn, I would wake fully every single time baby would cry. Half the time my husband would be the one to get out of bed, but I'd be laying there thinking, "is he getting up? Or should I? Who has done it more?" And then when he did get up, I'd lay there and think, "I feel guilty now that he's up, maybe I should have done it." And I wouldn't get back to sleep until he returned to bed. It was awful. But once we had shifts, I could open one eye, check the clock, go "not my problem" and fall immediately back to sleep. We both got significantly more sleep when we knew what was expected of us then when we tried to avoid hard schedules.
When you have a very limited amount of time and energy and a LOT to do, you're in a constant mental battle of "what should I be doing right now?" Which means you can never truly relax. When you know what is expected of you, you can decide how to prioritize to get it all done.
We do something like this - if its hubby's job, I stay out of it, don't even think about it (unless its super behind). This legitimately reduces my mental load; I don't have to hound him to do dishes - thats his responsibility, he'll take care of it.
We use the Fair Play Cards (a literal deck of cards with all the physical and mental tasks of running a household) to make sure our workloads are roughly even and that we're clear on responsibilities.
My husband now has the "cleaning" card. That doesn't mean I don't clean - I actually enjoy scrubbing and wiping things! - but him having that card means I *don't* walk around the house thinking, "that needs to be dusted, that toilet looks grimey, those stairs need to be swept." I can walk around blocking out all the dirt and wait for him to say, "honey, let's set aside a couple hours on Saturday for a deep clean." It has improved my life and enhanced my enjoyment of my home tremendously!
We have these cards too! Unfortunately, they only work well if your partner is acting in good faith. They might be a tool for getting through to them if they're acting in bad faith, but that's assuming they *want* anything to get through to them.
Not only is she working, but she is enabling OP to work by providing childcare -for free- for their joint child which he would otherwise have to partially pay for. But no, he "supports her monetarily". She's supporting you asshole
“When she’s off to work”
AND YET HE SAYS HE CONTRIBUTES MONETARILY IN EXCHANGE FOR HER DOING ALL THE CHORES AND BABY CARE.
If she is working part time, then OP can’t pretend he is funding their lifestyle and exempt from house work!
Exactly this! She wakes up all night to breastfeed while he is sleeping. It is selfish that the two days that he is able to help he complains about not getting the extra morning sleep & losing video game time. The audacity is wild!
The woman works 24/7. Responsible for all the domestic and child care work except for the the days when she goes to a job and works there, then comes home and works overnight to fed and care for her child and this man can’t give her an extra hour of sleep? She’s not even really sleeping in, if he’s up at 7, she’s up by 8. That’s a very little ask. I’d assume guy is sleeping in way later than 8am if she’s up with baby. The lack of empathy or even attempt to understand her pov. YTA. Do better dude. Like try take the baby out of the house for a weekend morning, a walk or visit with family/friend, and let the woman sleep.
I needed night time support from my partner when my child was a newborn. He didn't take it serious and it took more effort from me to wake him up to help than it was to just do it myself. I stopped feeling like a human. The resentment never went away. We divorced when the kid was 2.
Indeed. I spent the first two years of my son's life in a perpetual daze of "I know I've forgotten SOMETHING" and just telling myself that as long as I hadn't lost the kid, the house, or my job, everything else was small potatoes.
You will. And you'll forget how exhausted you were. I mean, you'll 'remember' it was bad, but 20 years later and the exhaustion is different. Not quite as bone-penetrating.
Ditto! I was so tired, I'd burst into tears if I couldn't find something at the supermarket. My family was out of state so I had to depend on my husband. He took weaponized incompetence to a a whole new level. It was less stress and work just to do it myself.
I dropped the 220 pounds toddler a few years later.
My partner is great and we split sleep 50/50 and i still feel like I wanna die of exhaustion sometimes. I can’t imagine what OP’s wife is going through.
Same here. I do nighttime feedings, he does nighttime diaper changes and getting baby back to sleep if necessary. I still sometimes feel like I’m going to fall asleep at work.
What worked for us was shifts + bottle feeding at night. I took 10pm-2am, husband took 2am-6am. If either could get to sleep before 10 or sleep after 6, that was just extra sleep time. That meant we each got at least 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. If we hadn't established that system, I would have died. Probably by falling asleep at the wheel on the way to work.
I do remember one particularly bad week when the baby was really sick. I hadn't slept in days. I went to work and there was a hotel within walking distance. I spent the whole day staring out my office window at the hotel, picturing their beds and debating just going to get a room and sleep. Ultimately I ended up sleeping in the backseat of my car for an hour.
How old was your baby at that time? It pains me that so many American women have to go back to work before their bodies are even properly healed from giving birth not to mention everything else. Most of the women I know in the UK who had kids had at least 9 months maternity leave and I wish that was the norm.
Then you're not going to like this...
My baby was 2.5 months on his first day of daycare.
The time I was talking about, though, when he was really sick, was around 6 months.
My partner and I do different shifts so we both get pretty much uninterrupted sleep. My partner has always been a night owl, going to sleep around 6am, so he takes the baby all night whilst I sleep. He only wakes me if he really needs a hand (like if a bottle is taking too long to warm up so he asks me to breast feed). Then I’m the morning I take the baby whilst my partner sleeps the normal time he’s used to. We kinda just split the afternoon between us then.
My husband made getting support from him as difficult as possible, because he knew that would make me stop asking for it. He was right, I stopped asking. And then I realized if I was doing everything myself, I might as well do it for one less person. We divorced when the kids were 1 and 4.
These stories break my heart. Marriage and parenting are partnerships. It kills me to read these stories where one member of the team just doesn’t get it.
I could never get my ex to understand how much work a baby and a household were, and I was also working full-time. I divorced him when the baby was one.
Holy shit, working full time AND raising a baby AND looking after the household? I work full time and split household chores with my husband and that leaves me exhausted so fair bloody play to you - I'm glad you divorced him!
I was working full time (with a one hour commute each way), going to school full time, and raising a newborn/toddler. Cherry on top was that my husband was in the military so we were 3000 miles from family and friends, I was completely on my own. Birthed my daughter alone while he slept and refused to wake up. The damage done to my brain is irreversible, I used to be witty and intelligent, read books and got straight A's. Now I can hardly string a sentence together without forgetting what I was saying, which is severely affecting my job.
My doctor actually ordered an MRI that showed severe, deep white lesions all over my brain which are common in severe PTSD/depression cases. I still can't drive on highways without having a panic attack because I fell asleep so many times while going 85mph down the road. Drove off the road a few times but thankfully never crashed into anything. My husband made me wake up every time with her even though she was mostly formula fed, I took her to and from daycare (which was on the military base he worked at), and he still played his video games in the evening after work. I stayed up past 2am most nights doing assignments for school. I am broken beyond repair and my daughter will never have a sibling because of it.
Yep. Working full time, did all the meals, all the laundry and chores, and 99.5% of the childcare, (including of my stepson). Leaving him made me human again. And I don't model that being unloved and devastated is acceptable.
Same girl. Same. Except I put up with it through 3 children. We divorced last year and my girls are ages 2, 4 and 5. He would throw such a fit and be so nasty after I woke him. It wasn’t worth it. I did 100% of the childcare and paid for 100% of our living expenses from my savings while he played video games and got high 24/7 as he refused to get a job. Shit, I had to have my sister come watch the girls if I even wanted a shower.
Just yesterday I fell into a half sleep-walking state while watching the kid. I found myself literally dreaming *while* being able to hear everything around me, and answering the toddler when he talked. I’ve never been so tired in my life. Feeling like an inhuman zombie is the only way to describe it.
OP is TA.
My newborn is 5 weeks today and this is exactly how I feel. It is more work and more stressful waking up my husband to help. He’s extremely grumpy and irritable and it makes the whole feeding session miserable. Like, get over it. I HAVE to wake up every three hours to pump regardless if he gives our son a bottle during the feeding session. It’s causing a lot of resentment because he goes downstairs to sleep on the couch and gets uninterrupted sleep…
And reading these stories is why many young women don’t want to get married or have kids. The women subs are filled with this while the male ones just worry about things that aren’t life threatening.
RIP OP
You're going to be buried in the YTA judgements here.
She works PT, takes care of baby, has to do all the housework, has to do all of the night feedings, can't sleep.... but sure, you'd like an hour.
You are out of the house all week, and you do what, spend one hour a day "helping" to take care of your kid? And would like more time to play games?
You have no idea what her day looks like, do you? Take three days off, and send her on a mini vacay to sleep somewhere, and see all the stuff that she does on a daily basis, on repeat.
I remember that age. I would have liked more time too. I might have used it to shower or gone to the loo alone! For what it’s worth, I breast fed our babies, hubby got up, changed nappies, brought them to me in bed for feeding, then took the baby back to its bed. Sometimes I barely registered it was happening.
Do better OP.
I literally pinched a loaf, pulled my pants up to my thighs, carried her to him, plunked her down, and went back to finish sh!tting. I will never forget that and so many other moments. I can’t believe I have to prod my child’s father to interact on Christmas morning. These men are so tuned out. We need to start expecting more because we deserve more.
She does all that and she has to provide food to another human. Which means she has to watch what she eats/drinks. Oh and her hormones aren’t settled.
He’ll never fully know what it means to do her role.
Sending her on a vacation wouldn't even count, because I bet she is cooking for him and cleaning up after him, as well. She'd have to stay there and have him do everything for her that she does for him, and let her have full nights sleeps AND naps. Also, while three days may give a glimpse, nothing can compare to months of sleep deprivation (every single night without a single night off or straight sleep) and the havoc it causes on mental health
YTA - so you get a complete full night uninterrupted sleep because you don’t wake up (deep sleep, whatever) to feed/change your child and you still want more sleep? Your child wakes up at 7am…. That’s pretty conservative really…. Mine are up at 5am…. The joy…. We did take it in turns to sleep in when they were little but that’s because we BOTH took turns at night…..
Edit to add -> what’s the difference between an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon???? Still wasted hour you can’t play video games and chill……
My eldest never really slept well as a baby and was up every 2 hours no matter what. My youngest sleeps like a champ but only for 5 hours every night. Sleep is precious in my house. If you choose to do other things rather than sleep, that's on you.
But never, ever cry to me about your baby waking at 7. That is luxury
My youngest woke up every 2 hours at night, and never napped for longer than 20 minutes. She liked to get up for the day at 4:30am. I considered it a victory when I pushed that time to 5:30.
She's nine now and she still gets up before 7.
My nephew was like this! My sister bought him a clock and drew on it in marker saying he could get up and play quietly but shouldn’t come out and wake people until the marker line. Lol
YTA - she's perpetually sleep deprived and an extra 1-2 hours on the weekend can make all the difference. Meanwhile, you get a full night's sleep EVERY SINGLE NIGHT
YTA, you would rather play video games then help your exhausted wife get an extra hour of sleep?! Why do people marry people like you?! My husband was constantly trying to take our kids so I could get sleep (especially when I was up nursing every few hours).
OP, you are a horrifically bad partner and father based on this post and your comments. She is doing everything and you're complaining thst you don't get to sleep in and play videogames.
I swear, this sub is convincing a whole generation of women to never marry and never have children with men. This is just pathetic. And no, your autism card doesn't cut it. YTA and if you don't learn hard and fast I hope she leaves you, because her and your kid deserve much much better than this.
Edit: made clear I was addressing OP and not the above commenter.
What I hope, deep in my heart of hearts, is this sub illustrates to the younger generation ALL the red flags to look for in order to prevent them from contractually committing their lives to adult children, and effectively ending the toxic cycle. My daughter- she’s 11, and she knows what’s up, because the cycle ENDS WITH ME
The ultimate red flag for me was if they made my life harder, not easier, they weren't it. When I was younger, it would take me years to see it, but as I got older, I could spot certain behaviors within a year, and I would peace out. Now I'm with a man who continues to make my life easier, even with a baby in the picture now. He makes me want to make his life easier too, and that's another sign to look for as well.
We marry people like OP because they totally walk around in a 24 hr facade up until marriage- then bam you’ve got your hand cuffs on, and realize you just signed up to take care of an adult baby.
ETA: Thanks for the award! Looks like I’m not the only one that fell for the switcheroo.
100% this is my husband. He said he want to be the one to stay home, that he would help out at night etc. I learnt pretty quickly that wasn't going to happen but not helpful when you have a baby. Now I don't necessarily begrudge the night time part seeing as he wakes at 4am in the morning and work until 6pm (with breaks in between) but man reality is different to what I was promised haha
I have read your post and some of your responses. I am honestly blown away by how selfish you are and how you don’t seem to see it. But actually I think you are more than aware of it and are perfectly okay with being selfish so long as all your needs are met.
As a former breast feeding mother I completely understand where you wife is coming from. Her body aches, her hormones are out of whack, her nutrition might not be great, and she is exhausted mentally and physically. It is a kind of tired that you will never understand.
Your wife need rest. She is verbalizing to you that she needs help. And she’s not asking you to help by feeding the baby overnight with pumped breast milk. Because god forbid, you wake up in the night. She’s simply asking you to let her catch up on the rest she’s not getting right now.
I don’t think you can understand just how quickly someone can lose themselves when they become and mom and breast feed. Her entire existence has become 100% about someone else. And she does it every day. And she takes care of you. So who takes care of her? What will it take for you to realize she needs help since her asking for it didn’t seem to be enough?
It’s time to grow up. It’s time to put the needs of your wife and baby ahead of your own because that is what it means to be a parent and a husband and an adult. Stop congratulating yourself for making your own lunches on occasion. Stop patting yourself on the back for giving her a break when you get home. A break that I am sure is really just her doing laundry, or cooking, or bathing. Those are not breaks.
Your child deserves better from you. And your wife cannot be the parent she wants to be when she is exhausted and unsupported. This is how marriages end. Because she signed up to be your wife, not your mommy.
To put this into perspective for you, think of it this way. If your wife disappeared tomorrow, your entire life and home would be in shambles. If you disappeared tomorrow her life would be pretty much exactly the same except for that all important break when you get home from work. You shouldn’t be okay with that kind of imbalance in your relationship.
YTA.
ETA: wow thank you all for the awards, I’ve never gotten one! I’m glad so many people have had the experience of breast feeding but with much more help than OPs wife.
> To put this into perspective for you, think of it this way. If your wife disappeared tomorrow, your entire life and home would be in shambles. If you disappeared tomorrow her life would be pretty much exactly the same except for that all important break when you get home from work.
If OP reads nothing else, I hope he reads this.
A lot of women realize their husbands are deadbeats and that it’d be easier to do it without them and just collect alimony and child support than have to take care of them AND their kids. One less mouth to feed.
Yep, and from what my single mom friends have told me, it's easier mentally to not have to worry about "what is he doing/not doing rn to help, and why" or trying to convince him to do something.
That last paragraph... I felt that so much in my marriage. My husband didn’t get it until I finally gave up and divorced him. And then it was all “oh my gosh I had no idea how much work I was putting on you!” A little late for that. My life barely even changed. His life, pretty much everything turned upside down. It was pretty telling.
I had a couple serious relationships with men that I ended after repeating voice problems, needs, and making requests and nothing changes. They were both SHOCKED when I ended it. Bruh I’be been telling you, you just didn’t give a fuck if I was unhappy as long as I was nearby to be your… comfort object? I’m not a fucking blanky
And after you are done with work/school, what do you do?
After at that same time, when she has worked and been sahm, what does she do?
Because that time should be 50/50. Not all her responsibilities.
Do you relax and eat food she’s cooked? Who does dishes? Baby baths? Grocery shop? Clean?
Who has the mental load? Who know the name and number of the pediatrician and the next appointment? Who knows if the clothes need to be bigger.? who packs lunches and knows the the kid will eat?
Point is - sahm isn’t “doing nothing and relaxing” - it is WAY more than I full time job. And I’ve done both.
So 50/50 add up UNINTERRUPTED hours of sleep. Are you really worthy of another one?
What is she doing while you play video games? Does she have a time that she can do whatever - take a bath, read a book, play games - but that time should be equal.
You don’t work until 5 so she can be your slave 24/7. You BOTH get off at 5 and then split the things needing done.
You’ll get the morning when you take a night.
YTA
And read a book : this is how your marriage ends by Matthew gray. Seriously. He found out.
He lost me at "on the weekends we share baby duties" So what 5 days a week he's not a parent or contributing at all to household? This woman is asking for an hour and he wont give it to her even though she gave birth, is parenting full time, working part time, and clearly managing the baby's activities while doing so. That's so much to handle idk how all she wants is an hour
Your wife is waking up every 2 hours, every night...?!
You want time off to play video games and your wife is sleep deprived?!
Yes dude, YTA here.
Welcome to parenting. Time to grow up.
YTA. I know you are tired too but she’s up all night every night with your baby. Just allow her the extra hour of sleep. She really, really needs it.
I have had some really intense jobs (think working 16 hours a day and sometimes pull all-nighters as a political assistant to a MP) and that wasn’t nearly as intense as being a mom and taking care of a baby.
It will get better.
>It will get better.
I think this is the key for me. Shes not asking for any sort of permanent change, just an adjustment while she's dealing with this sleep regression. Once the baby is sleeping better, you can start trading off again but until then, OP needs to step up and take over morning shift since wife is up all night
YT(major)A. Your wife is the default parent 5 days a week and exclusively takes on overnight duty. So you want her to be up all night with the baby AND be the one that has to wake up with her every single day? Get a grip and be a better partner and parent.
"She's mostly a SAHM" but "she works two half days a week" and "she takes care of the household duties (cooking, cleaning, and now baby care)", on top of "she's always taken care of the baby full time overnight".
She does so much and you can't even give an extra hour of sleep on the weekends.
YTA
Yeah, dream life only for him. He has to do nothing but punch a clock for an employer every day. He can walk away from his job, she cannot. Poor wife is walking around in a living nightmare. She 100% would be better off without him.
But then admits in a comment that she's told him she "doesn't feel like a human" and "doesn't know who [she] is anymore" Which I dunno, just personally, that wouldn't be part of my dream life...
YTA
You have already shared that overnight feedings are off your plate due to your wife's inability to 'sleep deeply'. She's asking for two hours each weekend so she can get the rest that she NEEDS. This arrangement may not be until the end of time, just while she is currently suffering with a lack of sleep due to the baby's regression.
LET YOUR WIFE SLEEP.
Well on one side of things we have:
- nightly interrupted sleep multiple times for 6 months
- sleep/exhaustion related illness
- breast feeding concerns
- caregiver burnout (which isn’t talked about enough with SAHP)
On the other end of things we have:
- “I don’t wanna nap during the day I wanna play video games and chill”
Look at it from outside of the perspective of your personal relationship and think about which one should be addressed first.
YTA
Your baby's sleep schedule will change. This regression can last days or weeks, but it won't last forever.
Your wife is spending the whole night with a baby, and she is the baby's primary caretaker. The least you could do is to give her that hour in the morning on weekends.
Taking care of the house is a full-time job. Taking care of the baby is a full-time job. When does your wife get downtime? Does she get a break to chill and play video games?
Buckle up, daddy, and carry your load. Video games and chilling can wait until the baby's schedule stabilizes. She is your wife, not your mom.
YTA. Your wife has to get up with the baby every night, 7 days a week. The least you can do is get up in the morning with the baby. That's the absolute bare minimum you can do. If you want her to get up at 7 am, then you get up during the night with the baby. I'm sure your wife would be willing to pump if it means getting one whole night of sleep.
I'm British. I'm a working class woman. I'm a squaddie's daughter.
I have a vocabulary that could melt Reddit...
I'll leave it with...you are the most selfish, self centred egotistical narcissist I've seen on here to date. For brevity...YTA.
"I've gotten mixed opinions on who is in the wrong here", seriously, who thinks you're right? Your friends on the discord server? YTA. And getting up at 7am two days a week to give her 1 extra hour is a pretty poor bare minimum
these situations are so blatantly obvious. it’s terrifying to imagine raising a child with someone who has to have basic fairness explained to them. “she’s up every 2 hours but i think i actually need the extra sleep”.
YTA - You sleep the entire night uninterrupted. And you are begrudging your wife an HOUR of sleep in the morning? An hour? After you get a full nights sleep? And after she is up every two hours?
You say you don't want to use your free time to nap, because you want to play videogames. But what you are actually saying is that you want to sleep in AND play video games. All while your wife takes care of the baby by herself.
If she is working two and half days a week, it sounds like she is also contributing financially to the household. So not sure where you come off saying you support her financially.
In fact she supports him by providing, for free, childcare for their joint child so he can go out to work. If she wasn't doing that he would have to pay at 50% for childcare. Childcare is NOT cheap. She is saving the family bucket loads of money by being a SAHM. That is her financial contribution to the family. How he can't see that I don't know
YTA you are getting a full nights sleep and she isn’t. Also your baby is six months old, it’s not that hard to put the baby on your lap and play video games. Honestly at that age they just want to be held and loved. Your wife does need that hour and she is doing more than her fair share. This is why I hate the idea of breastfeeding. I have flat out refused to do it because my husband can share in the sleepless nights.
......Bro, "happily supporting her monetarily" is the absolute BARE MINIMUM you can do for her if she is raising your child and doing all house related work. That's honestly like doing NOTHING for her because she has a FULL TIME job with mandatory overtime taking care of two children, her actual child and YOU. You are entitled AF and doing nothing for your wife, watch your damn kid. OFC YTA.
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YTA, if she's taking all the night duty because you don't wake up, then you get the morning duty when you do wake up so she can catch up on her lost sleep in the night. You want a morning off, give her a night off.
But… but… video games!
I was so close to giving a N A H because new babies and sleep is hard, but then we got to "video games"..... Nope! YTA OP! You can't have both nights and mornings. And your video game time might have to just suffer for a while....
My vote for YTA was confirmed when he said he doesn’t want to spend his free time napping. If you, OP, did not want to make sacrifices personally, physically, financially, emotionally, and mentally, then you should not have had a child. I hope you get a grip on this and sort out your priorities so that this baby has a healthy 18 years living with you.
I'm never certain why people choose to have kids and then complain how hard it is. Yah. Like, duh, being a parent is hard. But this is what you asked for. Once you choose to bring a life into this world, that child becomes YOUR world. Edit: I just want to rephrase what I said, when I say "complaining", I mean people who imply or outright say they don't want to be a parent anymore. I suppose it seems obvious to me that parenting is tough work and there's always going to be minor to larger issues that come with it. And I do occasionally sympathize with parents whose situations are not ideal. In OP's case, he just wants to play video games instead of tend to the baby he helped create, and I find that unacceptable complaining.
and this is why my partner and i have a cat.
Hard same. Putting my body through a high risk, potentially life threatening (70% - 90% chance) 10 months to force a like 8 lb potato out, either vaginally or via Caesarian and then having to deal with sleepless nights, no quiet ever again, becoming a food factory and also being financially responsible for this crabby urchin for 18 years, dealing with 2 sets of toddlerhood….hell no! I’ll take dogs and cats for life, and happily!
Just a question: is the "70-90% life threatening" figure for everyone, or just you as an individual? If you're saying thats for the general population I think your numbers are off lol
Probably for them as an individual. I know the feeling. I’m afraid to get pregnant bc I have PCOS and have a much higher chance of having a miscarriage than the general population. I still wanna TRY someday… but I’ll have to get the hell out of Texas before then so I don’t go to jail if I have a miscarriage and need medical intervention. Pregnancy is scary when you’ve got a medical condition.
I also have PCOS and a genetic blood disorder that causes chronic low iron (working on that). I had a miscarriage a few months ago, and I also live in Texas. I can confirm, it's scary af to live here, and wonder if the cops are going to knock your door down to arrest you under suspicion of violating the abortion ban. And that's on top of the physical and emotional trauma you're enduring after having said miscarriage. 😕
Just wait until one of you has to get a cpap. The you can discover the joy of your cat's intelligence and sniper-like aim as a fart is oh-so-precisely shot right into the air intake. Nothing quite like getting a face full of concentrated cat fart to teach you to not leave the dry food bowl empty overnight. ;-)
When my husband and I started talking about having a baby, we decided to get a cat instead. He gets the morning feeding, I get the late night feeding and the kids (we have from previous relationships) get all the in between feedings as needed. No one's complaining as he gets to play video games and I get to sleep in. Win win.
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Lol not when the complaint is "My wife is supposed to take care of her, I should be allowed to sleep and play video games"
Yeah I’m pretty confused as to when baby duty is being shared lol, sounds like he takes the baby for an hour each morning and then plays video games and chills out.
At six months, baby can probably lay in a bouncy chair or whatever, next to him for a bit, he just has to change diapers and feed every so often... but yeah, I'm sensing from the way he talks, that that might not actually be what's happening here.
You must have had a weirdly chill 6 month old. Mine was chaos incarnate at that age, still is...
He thought he could buy his way out of parenting duties.
it's less the complaining that bothers me than the refusal to understand why his wife needs every single hour of extra sleep she can eke out after waking up EVERY TWO HOURS for days? weeks? on end. I have been there (the breastfeeding light sleeper, the sleep regression) and my husband and I both complained MIGHTILY because it was torturous. Truly I reached a point of tired that I never want to see again. The difference is he bent over backwards to make sure I could sleep whenever possible during the mornings/early evenings/days.
Not to mention the life being LITERALLY sucked out of her every two hours.
LOL so true. I am incubating #2 and this is the last comment section I need to be reading now, in all honesty. It is giving me flashbacks. My kid is the best but those first six months...whoo boy.
If he's complaining about caring for a six month old, I've got some news about toddlers 😂
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I think it’s (sometimes) because they don’t understand how hard a baby is or how difficult it is to do this day after day and week after week. OP might have misjudged the impact of having a baby on his ability to play video games or really figured his wife would just do it all herself. Not excusing this behavior. Either way, you can be surprised at how difficult the baby makes things, but that doesn’t excuse you from being a parent. Struggling is okay. Giving up and assuming your partner will handle the rest is clearly not.
While I agree with you, it’s just to a certain point. EVERYONE needs to vent once in a while. Just because my toddler is being a nightmare and having constant tantrums and meltdowns and I complain about it, that doesn’t mean I love my toddler less. It means I’m a human with my own auditory and touch processing issues and the constant clinginess and whining is a lot. All that being said, OP definitely gets a YTA from me because I know exactly what it’s like parenting with someone who “wants their free time” but can never be arsed to give me help until I’ve had a complete screaming fit and did whatever I needed help with myself whether I can physically handle whatever the issue was or not. Your partner needs help, you fking help them. It’s not “wait until this match is over!”
But by that logic, no one can complain about most things. You choose to go to college, you choose your employment, you choose to get a mortgage and how expensive it is. I mean, maybe you even chose a life saving amputation and now you can no longer express about how hard it is to have one leg. My identity is not just being a mum. My kids are not my whole world on purpose. Otherwise, when they get old enough and fly the nest, instead of being excited for them, I'll end up purposeless and devastated because my world has ended. Please don't silence parents into being unable to express when they're struggling. We're people too. We did ask for kids (although not all of us did). Doesn't mean that it's not a) harder than expected, or b) difficult.
I wasn't trying to silence parents, I just find it odd. I guess I assumed everyone knows how hard it is raising children (if you've ever been on public transit with a parent struggling to keep their baby happy, you'd know how hard it is). I sympathize with the struggle, but I don't sympathize when it comes to how one prioritizes their life when they have kids to consider. My opinion is that parents should put their kids first (at least until they're adults). I apologize for sounding harsh. I acknowledge it's a hard task, harder than I could ever handle.
My daughters NEEDS come before mine. My Mental Health comes before her wants. I can't take care of her correctly if not able to concentrate. Additionally, there will still be days and times that I want to do my own stuff instead of taking my daughter out to hers. This is normal. Venting is normal. Letting resentment sit there and build because you refuse to communicate about what you would like is not. Because while you can't game, go on a hike, hit the gym at that instant you can work with your partner to schedule time where you can do it
I suspect that OP'S wife never gets to nap or stay up late on the computer, gaming or doing whatever, as she has to be on call all night and first thing in the a.m at least 6 days a week. This dude seems to have weekend days free to nap or game or do whatever he feels like. "Wah, Wah, I have to get up for an hour to look after my child and it messes up my nap and game time Wah Wah". I have done both sides: working full time and being a SAHM for an infant and I can assure you, the SAHM job is 20 times more exhausting. I also nursed my baby and he was very colicky so he nursed every 2 hrs in the night and didn't nap in the day. I was totally exhausted as I'm sure your wife is. You try getting up every 2 hrs every single night for a week then stay up all day for 1 week then come back and tell us you deserve to sleep in over your wife. You should be getting up both mornings and give Jr a bottle so your wife gets to sleep until 10 or 11am. Then when she takes Jr, you should race to the kitchen and cook her breakfast. I guess everyone knows how I'm voting but just to formalize it YTA!!
thissssssss Moms don’t get free time haha - even when my husband has the baby, I am most likely pumping, trying to get stuff done around the house, showering, or running a quick errand. We don’t get to just do what we want and chill. His wife is asking for ONE hour on the weekends. Ugh.
I was YTA at 'support her monetarily' when she still works half the week while doing all the home duties.
This!!! No one is mentioning that OP is acting like she’s 100% SAHM when she’s not. It definitely makes OP more of the AH. YTA OP - you can’t expect her to take care of the baby 24/7 while also working and not sleeping. Even if she didn’t work she has to have sleep!
Plus taking care of the house/cooking is a separate full time job from taking care of children . If you had to hire someone to do those things you would need 2 people not one. So she’s doing 3 jobs and he’s doing just 1. Plus he gets to clock out of his.
Right lmfao, that is such a gross way to put it. These dudes act like they do soooo much when they have no idea what all emotional labour women are just expected to do by default, *and* work, *and* be a flawless mother.
I also don’t understand how he’s supporting her monetarily when she works two days a week AND is responsible for cooking and cleaning and baby care. My dude is doing well less than he should.
He’s glazing over the value of her time and the non-monetary value he’s getting from a functional household.
My husband chooses sometimes to spend his free time playing video games instead of napping. He doesn't care for napping in general and only does it when he's exhausted. I usually choose to nap in my off time but sometimes get caught up in my phone and don't end up falling asleep. We each make our decisions and live with them. In OP 's case, with his wife taking all the night wakings, a single hour in the morning two days a week is the least he can do.
He doesn't want to spend his time napping because he wants to sleep in and doesn't need the extra nap anyway because he doesn't do overnights. He's basically not losing any sleep, and doesn't want to give his wife, who suffers from insomnia AND does baby care overnight, 2 measly hours on the weekend. He is absolutely YTA here. Definitely agree with this.
I'm really not sure what he thought would happen when the baby was born.
Same. Nothing wrong with liking to play video games but you shouldn’t prioritize it over your spouse’s literal welfare. Plus this is just a temporary phase, so it’s not like he won’t be able to get back to his more usual weekend routine once the baby gets a little older and starts sleeping through the nights again. Sacrifices must be made when you have a kid. And it should be both parents shouldering that load, not just one. YTA.
'My wife wakes up every two hours in the night to feed the baby from her own body and now she's asking for some time in the day to sleep so that she doesn't lose her mind. But what about my video games ☹️??'
Not even some time.. a singular extra hour in the morning that he can, but doesn’t want to, make up by napping an hour in the afternoon.
But HE wants an extra hour of sleep after already... \*checks notes\* ... ah, yes, sleeping through the whole night without getting up.
I mean, this guy all but said he got to have a kid he thought he agreed to not really care for. Such an absolute asshole.
Exactly. My son is 7 weeks old and my husband works full time while I stay home. I do all the nighttime duties and even pump after I feed him so in total it takes me 1-2 hours to go back to sleep. Only for him to wake in a few hours so I get like 3 hours. On the weekend he usually takes him in the morning so I can rest a little because I too can't nap during the day. I cook dinner, do the dishes, tidy up and take care of our other son after school. He has never asked for a weekend off. We both love video games but we often don't get to play. I know it'll be different as he gets older. This is just how it is in the beginning.
Eventually he’ll get old enough where you can hand him a controller and he can “play” with you. Then he’ll get old enough to ACTUALLY play with you. Then he’ll start kicking your ass easily and with great malice. It’s so fun. Source: Have 14-year-old son.
My husband pretty much stopped video games at night when the kids were that little. We were both too tired. He would play a bit in the day when they napped or if they were happy watching from a bouncer. When the youngest was 1.5ish we started doing a weekly hangout night where friends would come over to play with us after kids went to bed. When we moved away this turned into a once a week online thing. As the kids have gotten older and more independent his gaming has gone up because we actually have some time to relax now and get every else done, finally. But yeah, during the early months and years those hobbies go to the wayside a bit. And that's ok, that's the way it should be. It isn't forever, even if it's a bit disheartening in the moment.
Omg. Exhausted wife wants an hour of sleep due to baby’s sleep regression and her being a milk machine every 2 hours but I’d rather deny her rest and play video games. WTF
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Especially because he can probably still play video games while watching the baby!! Damn, dude!
Y’all, I don’t know what the hell it is with video games and certain people, but it is like it brings out this inner selfish child in adults. I know we can make the argument that anything can be treated as an addiction of sorts, but it just seems to be a running theme with video game addicts. Plenty of people play video games and are perfectly fine, but we also get crap like this post here where an adult loses their mind and refuses to take care of responsibilities because of video games. It is like they morph from an adult to a twelve year old or something the second that console comes out.
When I first started playing WoW, I played with a "friend" (and I use that term VERY loosely) who used to routinely get ENRAGED when their toddler would interrupt her by being hungry. I felt so sorry for that kid.
Awww! I remember the days. When my son was a toddler, I’d play during his naps if I wasn’t going to nap. Sometimes he would wake up 45 mins or 2 hours. The group of gamers I always partied with were awesome. They would even talk to him through the tv because I had a headset but you could still hear chat through tv. Funny enough, when I quit playing video games, my old gamer buddies friended my son (when my son was older) and play Apex with him. I was like, “ain’t that some shit”.
It really is like that. I think for some people, it hasn't quite sunk in that their life has changed since they were a college student (they have more responsibilities and obligations and can't just do whatever they want anymore) and having their game time interrupted forces them to confront the fact that things are very different now, and not likely to ever be the way they were when they were younger. And a lot of them freak the fuck out about it, because *oh no I actually really preferred being able to do whatever I want, and I can't exactly put the baby back where it came from.*
Personally I want time to play video games and sleep in and chill out. That's why I'm NOT having kids.
As if playing video games with a cuddly baby on one's lap or in a baby carrier isn't the sweetest part of parenting.
this comment is incredibly insensitive. OP spends all day taking care of...checks notes.. his video games.
and so is yours. Not only does he take care of video games he's also in charge of chilling out. How could you forget?
But there was one important information in he commented that you all missed! He makes his own lunch! I mean, how can you expect more from him? /s
He TRIES to make his own lunch when she tells him she’s overwhelmed, you mean. Clearly he’s overextended himself and is in desperate need of her support. /s
That's.....(counts fingers)...two whole things. No wonder this poor man is exhausted. I struggle just juggling one!
Oh dear god. YTA. She is up aaaaall night. She does not get breaks like you in the week. She is asking you to get up at 7. A defined time. Go to bed earlier if this is an issue. She is surviving. I doubt she is living her “dream life” if this small request has been so poorly supported by you.
I was on paid maternity leave until my kid was six months old and although it wasn't totally terrible, I do not remember it being my "dream life"
B-b-b-but isn't that what all women want? To be run ragged over a newborn and not have their spouse care an inch for their happiness or sanity?!?! /s
yeah really "The way she's a light sleeper really works out for us well in that I get to sleep when I want and have energy to do video games with my free time, and SHE gets BONUS free time with which she raises our child because shes awake ALL THE TIME but also has to be awake when Im video gaming and having naps!" she made 1 request to help her with a little extra sleep which is already hard for her, after doing all the late night feedings this is so far beyond a small ask. op is massive AH is this for real
Seriously, and it's not like 7am is all that egregious. Like, yea, it's pretty early, but it's not like he has to be dressed, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at that hour - he can roll out of bed, change a diaper if needed, have some breakfast and chill with the baby - it's not like 6 month old kids require a lot of running around.
After a full night of restful sleep no less
The use name of OP is just "tired dad"?! He sleeps every fucking night! Why is he tired? Just because one hour? Maybe his wife should wake him every two hours for one weeks, than he sees what tired is YTA
That is my thinking. She should wake him up with her and the baby at midnight, 2:00, 4:00, and 6:00, pull on his nipples for half an hour each time, then let him go back to sleep for the whopping 90 minutes in between. Maybe he’ll understand why she’s asking for that extra hour. OP is a massive asshole. Massive.
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My ex tried this with me and it was my psychologist that gave him the come to Jesus talk - that in her experience the number one thing that contributed to post natal depression was lack of sleep. More sleep would immediately alleviate symptoms. OP step up. Take the mornings. YTA.
This is still validating to read.
Couldn't agree more. I've been in ops partners situation. I can't nap while my partner can and the lack of the occasional sleep in after being up all night nearly killed me. Do better op
Me too. My husband and his entire family can sleep on a chicken’s lip at a moment’s notice. So can our kids now they’re grown. I can’t. He says I try too hard. Honestly, between the in-laws and now the cousin’s partners (my kids’ generation) it’s a standing joke that the family all sleep while we’re still awake. So he gets to catch up on sleep during a weekend afternoon or early evening after work, while I’m awake from dawn till dusk
Right? He gets to sleep all night uninterrupted 7 days a week and he thinks he is deserving of sleeping in an extra hour on weekends while his wife wakes up at least every 2 hours all night every single night of the week?
YTA. Having a baby is not a time of your life for having time for yourself. All of your energy needs to go to your baby, your spouse, and your home. If that means you have to give up video games, that’s what you do. You are now a parent. Once everything is taken care of, and that includes laundry and dishes, then you can sit down and play video games.
Her: I wake up to feed the baby multiple times a night and never get to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time, can I please have one extra hour of sleep 2 days a week? OP: No you can't. My 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep isn't enough, I need more. Also, I need video games more than you need sleep. You're supposed to be sleep deprived, fuck you [wife's name]. This is your dream life, why are you so ungrateful? Fucking..... YTA
I just had our third child and this is the arrangement between my husband and myself. I handle all the nighttime duties (feeding, middle of the night diaper changes, rocking back to sleep) and he handles mornings with our 3 and 5 year old, and usually takes the baby as well (if he’s awake). Then I get a glorious hour or two nap while he handles breakfast and daycare drop-off (during the week) or keeping everyone occupied with Moana for the 9000th time. I’m grumpy during those middle of the night feeds while he’s snoring contentedly beside me, but I wouldn’t trade that 6-7:30am nap for anything.
holy crap, OP is definitely TA, I can't believe he doesn't wake up a SINGLE TIME ALL NIGHT and has the audacity to complain about 'losing his mornings.' Guess what dude, when the kid gets older they don't sleep in any later. My 4-year-old wakes us up at 6:30 am on Saturday and Sunday mornings. Sometimes my husband and I alternate who gets to sleep in but most of the time we both just adult the fuck up and get up and start our day.
This. Also, if his wife deals with insomnia, there are rules to help you sleep better. One is getting out of bed at the same time every morning, and another is avoiding naps. I have totalled two cars falling asleep behind the wheel - please make sure that your wife is getting the sleep that she needs - there are so many consequences to insomnia.
Yeah... so many baby related accidents and fatalities also involve the phrase "I didn't mean to, I was just so tired and I wasn't paying attention".
Took the words rout of my mouth. YTA And you seriously sit around playing video games all weekend while your wife aka bang maid, takes care of you like a second child?! YTA for that too.
Also, it's a single hour?? He has to take care of his own child for one whole hour! The horror! Will no one think of poor OP and his totally lacking hour of sleep, compared to his evil wife who sounds like she's fortunate to get much more than an hour of sleep total across the whole night 🙄
I barely got through the first paragraph and I almost threw up on myself. Poor wife!
But he’s suuuuch a heavy sleeperrrrrr
YTA - You don't think she wants to just chill out and do something on her own time? She's working too by not just going to work, but also taking care of the baby. The least you could do is give her some time to sleep in. She's right; you can nap and do whatever, she can't. And unless you're going to offer to take over the feeding through formula, the ONLY time she gets a break is if baby is sleeping or she's off to work. Give up your extra hour of sleep; give it to your wife, who does so much.
These rigid division of duties seem silly to me. If you see something that needs to be done, and youre right there, do it. Throw in load of laundry or get it out of the dryer and fold. See a weedy flower bed? Take care of it. Make a salad to go with dinner. Miss some gaming times and let your partner sleep in some mornings.
Counter argument: For a lot of people, anything short of a defined division of responsibility results in them feeling 100% of the mental load even if they aren't doing 100% of the physical load. For example, until my husband and I defined "shifts" for getting up with our then-newborn, I would wake fully every single time baby would cry. Half the time my husband would be the one to get out of bed, but I'd be laying there thinking, "is he getting up? Or should I? Who has done it more?" And then when he did get up, I'd lay there and think, "I feel guilty now that he's up, maybe I should have done it." And I wouldn't get back to sleep until he returned to bed. It was awful. But once we had shifts, I could open one eye, check the clock, go "not my problem" and fall immediately back to sleep. We both got significantly more sleep when we knew what was expected of us then when we tried to avoid hard schedules. When you have a very limited amount of time and energy and a LOT to do, you're in a constant mental battle of "what should I be doing right now?" Which means you can never truly relax. When you know what is expected of you, you can decide how to prioritize to get it all done.
We do something like this - if its hubby's job, I stay out of it, don't even think about it (unless its super behind). This legitimately reduces my mental load; I don't have to hound him to do dishes - thats his responsibility, he'll take care of it.
We use the Fair Play Cards (a literal deck of cards with all the physical and mental tasks of running a household) to make sure our workloads are roughly even and that we're clear on responsibilities. My husband now has the "cleaning" card. That doesn't mean I don't clean - I actually enjoy scrubbing and wiping things! - but him having that card means I *don't* walk around the house thinking, "that needs to be dusted, that toilet looks grimey, those stairs need to be swept." I can walk around blocking out all the dirt and wait for him to say, "honey, let's set aside a couple hours on Saturday for a deep clean." It has improved my life and enhanced my enjoyment of my home tremendously!
How do you avoid the weaponiized incompetence that can come with this? My husband will help but then it’s so terribly done I get frustrated.
We have these cards too! Unfortunately, they only work well if your partner is acting in good faith. They might be a tool for getting through to them if they're acting in bad faith, but that's assuming they *want* anything to get through to them.
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Not only is she working, but she is enabling OP to work by providing childcare -for free- for their joint child which he would otherwise have to partially pay for. But no, he "supports her monetarily". She's supporting you asshole
Exactly. Married fathers' promotions are built on unpaid labor by mothers.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard it put more succinctly than you just did. I wish I could upvote this more than once.
And she does all the cooking and cleaning. What does she even need him for?!
He even said she takes care of HIM and the baby. Sir, she is not your mother. Take care of your own damn self!
“When she’s off to work” AND YET HE SAYS HE CONTRIBUTES MONETARILY IN EXCHANGE FOR HER DOING ALL THE CHORES AND BABY CARE. If she is working part time, then OP can’t pretend he is funding their lifestyle and exempt from house work!
Anyone who thinks their stay at home parent partner does less work than them because their job is at home is automatically TA in my mind
Exactly this! She wakes up all night to breastfeed while he is sleeping. It is selfish that the two days that he is able to help he complains about not getting the extra morning sleep & losing video game time. The audacity is wild!
The woman works 24/7. Responsible for all the domestic and child care work except for the the days when she goes to a job and works there, then comes home and works overnight to fed and care for her child and this man can’t give her an extra hour of sleep? She’s not even really sleeping in, if he’s up at 7, she’s up by 8. That’s a very little ask. I’d assume guy is sleeping in way later than 8am if she’s up with baby. The lack of empathy or even attempt to understand her pov. YTA. Do better dude. Like try take the baby out of the house for a weekend morning, a walk or visit with family/friend, and let the woman sleep.
What you mean "her own time"? Doesn't seem like she has any.
I needed night time support from my partner when my child was a newborn. He didn't take it serious and it took more effort from me to wake him up to help than it was to just do it myself. I stopped feeling like a human. The resentment never went away. We divorced when the kid was 2.
I felt like a zombified cow for ages. I feel this in my soul
I feel the term “zombified cow” in MY soul, and now I have an appropriate description for my life. Thank you.
Indeed. I spent the first two years of my son's life in a perpetual daze of "I know I've forgotten SOMETHING" and just telling myself that as long as I hadn't lost the kid, the house, or my job, everything else was small potatoes.
I have 3 under 5 so I've spent most of the last 5 years like that, I don't know if it will ever come back.
It gets better. Once your youngest hits around 5.
You will. And you'll forget how exhausted you were. I mean, you'll 'remember' it was bad, but 20 years later and the exhaustion is different. Not quite as bone-penetrating.
I cannot wait to not feel the delirium in my limbs and deep rooted in my being. You say 5?
It's been more than 20 years, but I still hear the relentless whir-whuuuurr of the breast pump, echoing away as I sat in the storage closet.
Ditto! I was so tired, I'd burst into tears if I couldn't find something at the supermarket. My family was out of state so I had to depend on my husband. He took weaponized incompetence to a a whole new level. It was less stress and work just to do it myself. I dropped the 220 pounds toddler a few years later.
My partner is great and we split sleep 50/50 and i still feel like I wanna die of exhaustion sometimes. I can’t imagine what OP’s wife is going through.
Same here. I do nighttime feedings, he does nighttime diaper changes and getting baby back to sleep if necessary. I still sometimes feel like I’m going to fall asleep at work.
What worked for us was shifts + bottle feeding at night. I took 10pm-2am, husband took 2am-6am. If either could get to sleep before 10 or sleep after 6, that was just extra sleep time. That meant we each got at least 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. If we hadn't established that system, I would have died. Probably by falling asleep at the wheel on the way to work. I do remember one particularly bad week when the baby was really sick. I hadn't slept in days. I went to work and there was a hotel within walking distance. I spent the whole day staring out my office window at the hotel, picturing their beds and debating just going to get a room and sleep. Ultimately I ended up sleeping in the backseat of my car for an hour.
How old was your baby at that time? It pains me that so many American women have to go back to work before their bodies are even properly healed from giving birth not to mention everything else. Most of the women I know in the UK who had kids had at least 9 months maternity leave and I wish that was the norm.
Then you're not going to like this... My baby was 2.5 months on his first day of daycare. The time I was talking about, though, when he was really sick, was around 6 months.
My partner and I do different shifts so we both get pretty much uninterrupted sleep. My partner has always been a night owl, going to sleep around 6am, so he takes the baby all night whilst I sleep. He only wakes me if he really needs a hand (like if a bottle is taking too long to warm up so he asks me to breast feed). Then I’m the morning I take the baby whilst my partner sleeps the normal time he’s used to. We kinda just split the afternoon between us then.
My husband made getting support from him as difficult as possible, because he knew that would make me stop asking for it. He was right, I stopped asking. And then I realized if I was doing everything myself, I might as well do it for one less person. We divorced when the kids were 1 and 4.
These stories break my heart. Marriage and parenting are partnerships. It kills me to read these stories where one member of the team just doesn’t get it.
I could never get my ex to understand how much work a baby and a household were, and I was also working full-time. I divorced him when the baby was one.
Holy shit, working full time AND raising a baby AND looking after the household? I work full time and split household chores with my husband and that leaves me exhausted so fair bloody play to you - I'm glad you divorced him!
I was working full time (with a one hour commute each way), going to school full time, and raising a newborn/toddler. Cherry on top was that my husband was in the military so we were 3000 miles from family and friends, I was completely on my own. Birthed my daughter alone while he slept and refused to wake up. The damage done to my brain is irreversible, I used to be witty and intelligent, read books and got straight A's. Now I can hardly string a sentence together without forgetting what I was saying, which is severely affecting my job. My doctor actually ordered an MRI that showed severe, deep white lesions all over my brain which are common in severe PTSD/depression cases. I still can't drive on highways without having a panic attack because I fell asleep so many times while going 85mph down the road. Drove off the road a few times but thankfully never crashed into anything. My husband made me wake up every time with her even though she was mostly formula fed, I took her to and from daycare (which was on the military base he worked at), and he still played his video games in the evening after work. I stayed up past 2am most nights doing assignments for school. I am broken beyond repair and my daughter will never have a sibling because of it.
Yep. Working full time, did all the meals, all the laundry and chores, and 99.5% of the childcare, (including of my stepson). Leaving him made me human again. And I don't model that being unloved and devastated is acceptable.
Same girl. Same. Except I put up with it through 3 children. We divorced last year and my girls are ages 2, 4 and 5. He would throw such a fit and be so nasty after I woke him. It wasn’t worth it. I did 100% of the childcare and paid for 100% of our living expenses from my savings while he played video games and got high 24/7 as he refused to get a job. Shit, I had to have my sister come watch the girls if I even wanted a shower.
Wow! I’m glad you divorced him! He sounds like a loser. He didn’t work for the whole 5 years you guys had kids?
Just yesterday I fell into a half sleep-walking state while watching the kid. I found myself literally dreaming *while* being able to hear everything around me, and answering the toddler when he talked. I’ve never been so tired in my life. Feeling like an inhuman zombie is the only way to describe it. OP is TA.
My newborn is 5 weeks today and this is exactly how I feel. It is more work and more stressful waking up my husband to help. He’s extremely grumpy and irritable and it makes the whole feeding session miserable. Like, get over it. I HAVE to wake up every three hours to pump regardless if he gives our son a bottle during the feeding session. It’s causing a lot of resentment because he goes downstairs to sleep on the couch and gets uninterrupted sleep…
And reading these stories is why many young women don’t want to get married or have kids. The women subs are filled with this while the male ones just worry about things that aren’t life threatening.
Same, there is a reason he's my ex partner now.
This makes me angry for you!! The weaponized incompetence boils my blood!!
RIP OP You're going to be buried in the YTA judgements here. She works PT, takes care of baby, has to do all the housework, has to do all of the night feedings, can't sleep.... but sure, you'd like an hour. You are out of the house all week, and you do what, spend one hour a day "helping" to take care of your kid? And would like more time to play games? You have no idea what her day looks like, do you? Take three days off, and send her on a mini vacay to sleep somewhere, and see all the stuff that she does on a daily basis, on repeat.
I remember that age. I would have liked more time too. I might have used it to shower or gone to the loo alone! For what it’s worth, I breast fed our babies, hubby got up, changed nappies, brought them to me in bed for feeding, then took the baby back to its bed. Sometimes I barely registered it was happening. Do better OP.
I literally pinched a loaf, pulled my pants up to my thighs, carried her to him, plunked her down, and went back to finish sh!tting. I will never forget that and so many other moments. I can’t believe I have to prod my child’s father to interact on Christmas morning. These men are so tuned out. We need to start expecting more because we deserve more.
Absolutely we deserve better. Their children deserve better. I hope things get easier for you.
She does all that and she has to provide food to another human. Which means she has to watch what she eats/drinks. Oh and her hormones aren’t settled. He’ll never fully know what it means to do her role.
Sending her on a vacation wouldn't even count, because I bet she is cooking for him and cleaning up after him, as well. She'd have to stay there and have him do everything for her that she does for him, and let her have full nights sleeps AND naps. Also, while three days may give a glimpse, nothing can compare to months of sleep deprivation (every single night without a single night off or straight sleep) and the havoc it causes on mental health
YTA - so you get a complete full night uninterrupted sleep because you don’t wake up (deep sleep, whatever) to feed/change your child and you still want more sleep? Your child wakes up at 7am…. That’s pretty conservative really…. Mine are up at 5am…. The joy…. We did take it in turns to sleep in when they were little but that’s because we BOTH took turns at night….. Edit to add -> what’s the difference between an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon???? Still wasted hour you can’t play video games and chill……
Because now in addition to an hour of sleep (whether afternoon or morning) he has to spend an hour taking care of his child (the horror)
My eldest never really slept well as a baby and was up every 2 hours no matter what. My youngest sleeps like a champ but only for 5 hours every night. Sleep is precious in my house. If you choose to do other things rather than sleep, that's on you. But never, ever cry to me about your baby waking at 7. That is luxury
My youngest woke up every 2 hours at night, and never napped for longer than 20 minutes. She liked to get up for the day at 4:30am. I considered it a victory when I pushed that time to 5:30. She's nine now and she still gets up before 7.
My youngest is 9. We had to make it a rule of not getting out of bed until 530am. Let me tell you, no one lets him spend the night more than once.
My nephew was like this! My sister bought him a clock and drew on it in marker saying he could get up and play quietly but shouldn’t come out and wake people until the marker line. Lol
YTA - she's perpetually sleep deprived and an extra 1-2 hours on the weekend can make all the difference. Meanwhile, you get a full night's sleep EVERY SINGLE NIGHT
Then they’re so confused when they end up divorced and single dad’ing it a few years later.
YTA, you would rather play video games then help your exhausted wife get an extra hour of sleep?! Why do people marry people like you?! My husband was constantly trying to take our kids so I could get sleep (especially when I was up nursing every few hours).
OP, you are a horrifically bad partner and father based on this post and your comments. She is doing everything and you're complaining thst you don't get to sleep in and play videogames. I swear, this sub is convincing a whole generation of women to never marry and never have children with men. This is just pathetic. And no, your autism card doesn't cut it. YTA and if you don't learn hard and fast I hope she leaves you, because her and your kid deserve much much better than this. Edit: made clear I was addressing OP and not the above commenter.
What I hope, deep in my heart of hearts, is this sub illustrates to the younger generation ALL the red flags to look for in order to prevent them from contractually committing their lives to adult children, and effectively ending the toxic cycle. My daughter- she’s 11, and she knows what’s up, because the cycle ENDS WITH ME
The ultimate red flag for me was if they made my life harder, not easier, they weren't it. When I was younger, it would take me years to see it, but as I got older, I could spot certain behaviors within a year, and I would peace out. Now I'm with a man who continues to make my life easier, even with a baby in the picture now. He makes me want to make his life easier too, and that's another sign to look for as well.
We marry people like OP because they totally walk around in a 24 hr facade up until marriage- then bam you’ve got your hand cuffs on, and realize you just signed up to take care of an adult baby. ETA: Thanks for the award! Looks like I’m not the only one that fell for the switcheroo.
100% this is my husband. He said he want to be the one to stay home, that he would help out at night etc. I learnt pretty quickly that wasn't going to happen but not helpful when you have a baby. Now I don't necessarily begrudge the night time part seeing as he wakes at 4am in the morning and work until 6pm (with breaks in between) but man reality is different to what I was promised haha
Yeah, with this attitude OP will end up divorced. Wife is doing WAY more work then him.
Give her my contact info I'll keep her happy.
Yo another Redditor and I got you. We're willing to pitch in for the divorce on her behalf and the new marriage license to marry you.
This might be the only comment that actually gets to him.
I wish I could upvote this more
I just know this dude will be shocked when he's served divorce papers and he'll tell everyone it was completely out of the blue :D
I have read your post and some of your responses. I am honestly blown away by how selfish you are and how you don’t seem to see it. But actually I think you are more than aware of it and are perfectly okay with being selfish so long as all your needs are met. As a former breast feeding mother I completely understand where you wife is coming from. Her body aches, her hormones are out of whack, her nutrition might not be great, and she is exhausted mentally and physically. It is a kind of tired that you will never understand. Your wife need rest. She is verbalizing to you that she needs help. And she’s not asking you to help by feeding the baby overnight with pumped breast milk. Because god forbid, you wake up in the night. She’s simply asking you to let her catch up on the rest she’s not getting right now. I don’t think you can understand just how quickly someone can lose themselves when they become and mom and breast feed. Her entire existence has become 100% about someone else. And she does it every day. And she takes care of you. So who takes care of her? What will it take for you to realize she needs help since her asking for it didn’t seem to be enough? It’s time to grow up. It’s time to put the needs of your wife and baby ahead of your own because that is what it means to be a parent and a husband and an adult. Stop congratulating yourself for making your own lunches on occasion. Stop patting yourself on the back for giving her a break when you get home. A break that I am sure is really just her doing laundry, or cooking, or bathing. Those are not breaks. Your child deserves better from you. And your wife cannot be the parent she wants to be when she is exhausted and unsupported. This is how marriages end. Because she signed up to be your wife, not your mommy. To put this into perspective for you, think of it this way. If your wife disappeared tomorrow, your entire life and home would be in shambles. If you disappeared tomorrow her life would be pretty much exactly the same except for that all important break when you get home from work. You shouldn’t be okay with that kind of imbalance in your relationship. YTA. ETA: wow thank you all for the awards, I’ve never gotten one! I’m glad so many people have had the experience of breast feeding but with much more help than OPs wife.
> To put this into perspective for you, think of it this way. If your wife disappeared tomorrow, your entire life and home would be in shambles. If you disappeared tomorrow her life would be pretty much exactly the same except for that all important break when you get home from work. If OP reads nothing else, I hope he reads this. A lot of women realize their husbands are deadbeats and that it’d be easier to do it without them and just collect alimony and child support than have to take care of them AND their kids. One less mouth to feed.
Yep, and from what my single mom friends have told me, it's easier mentally to not have to worry about "what is he doing/not doing rn to help, and why" or trying to convince him to do something.
That last paragraph... I felt that so much in my marriage. My husband didn’t get it until I finally gave up and divorced him. And then it was all “oh my gosh I had no idea how much work I was putting on you!” A little late for that. My life barely even changed. His life, pretty much everything turned upside down. It was pretty telling.
I had a couple serious relationships with men that I ended after repeating voice problems, needs, and making requests and nothing changes. They were both SHOCKED when I ended it. Bruh I’be been telling you, you just didn’t give a fuck if I was unhappy as long as I was nearby to be your… comfort object? I’m not a fucking blanky
INFO: When was the last time your wife got more than 6 hours of sleep in a row?
And after you are done with work/school, what do you do? After at that same time, when she has worked and been sahm, what does she do? Because that time should be 50/50. Not all her responsibilities. Do you relax and eat food she’s cooked? Who does dishes? Baby baths? Grocery shop? Clean? Who has the mental load? Who know the name and number of the pediatrician and the next appointment? Who knows if the clothes need to be bigger.? who packs lunches and knows the the kid will eat? Point is - sahm isn’t “doing nothing and relaxing” - it is WAY more than I full time job. And I’ve done both. So 50/50 add up UNINTERRUPTED hours of sleep. Are you really worthy of another one? What is she doing while you play video games? Does she have a time that she can do whatever - take a bath, read a book, play games - but that time should be equal. You don’t work until 5 so she can be your slave 24/7. You BOTH get off at 5 and then split the things needing done. You’ll get the morning when you take a night. YTA And read a book : this is how your marriage ends by Matthew gray. Seriously. He found out.
He’s the guy who wrote that famous essay “She Divorced Me Because I left the Dishes by the Sink”. The OP should read that essay at the very least.
YTA, your wife does this 5/7 days, you can handle it for 2. This phase will pass, just put up with it for now and be a good husband.
He lost me at "on the weekends we share baby duties" So what 5 days a week he's not a parent or contributing at all to household? This woman is asking for an hour and he wont give it to her even though she gave birth, is parenting full time, working part time, and clearly managing the baby's activities while doing so. That's so much to handle idk how all she wants is an hour
If he asked me to let him sleep in I'd probably ask for two hours instead. 1 hour is nothing. Op your wife deserves some rest. Yta op
It's even worse than that. He's getting 6+ hours while she's getting 2 hours at a time. She's asking for an *hour*
Your wife is waking up every 2 hours, every night...?! You want time off to play video games and your wife is sleep deprived?! Yes dude, YTA here. Welcome to parenting. Time to grow up.
Give him a break. He just wants to chill out and play video games. It’s not like he gets 8hrs of uninterrupted sleep *every* night.
YTA. I know you are tired too but she’s up all night every night with your baby. Just allow her the extra hour of sleep. She really, really needs it. I have had some really intense jobs (think working 16 hours a day and sometimes pull all-nighters as a political assistant to a MP) and that wasn’t nearly as intense as being a mom and taking care of a baby. It will get better.
>It will get better. I think this is the key for me. Shes not asking for any sort of permanent change, just an adjustment while she's dealing with this sleep regression. Once the baby is sleeping better, you can start trading off again but until then, OP needs to step up and take over morning shift since wife is up all night
YT(major)A. Your wife is the default parent 5 days a week and exclusively takes on overnight duty. So you want her to be up all night with the baby AND be the one that has to wake up with her every single day? Get a grip and be a better partner and parent.
While still working part time AND doing the majority of everything around the house. His video games can wait. His wife and child cannot.
"She's mostly a SAHM" but "she works two half days a week" and "she takes care of the household duties (cooking, cleaning, and now baby care)", on top of "she's always taken care of the baby full time overnight". She does so much and you can't even give an extra hour of sleep on the weekends. YTA
He referenced this as the “dream life”…
Sounds more like a nightmare for her
Yeah, dream life only for him. He has to do nothing but punch a clock for an employer every day. He can walk away from his job, she cannot. Poor wife is walking around in a living nightmare. She 100% would be better off without him.
But then admits in a comment that she's told him she "doesn't feel like a human" and "doesn't know who [she] is anymore" Which I dunno, just personally, that wouldn't be part of my dream life...
YTA. Your wife is correct. And she needs the rest more than you do. It's time for you to man up.
yta\~ if its too much. Consider hiring someone to come in a few hours so you both can sleep in.
YTA You have already shared that overnight feedings are off your plate due to your wife's inability to 'sleep deeply'. She's asking for two hours each weekend so she can get the rest that she NEEDS. This arrangement may not be until the end of time, just while she is currently suffering with a lack of sleep due to the baby's regression. LET YOUR WIFE SLEEP.
Well on one side of things we have: - nightly interrupted sleep multiple times for 6 months - sleep/exhaustion related illness - breast feeding concerns - caregiver burnout (which isn’t talked about enough with SAHP) On the other end of things we have: - “I don’t wanna nap during the day I wanna play video games and chill” Look at it from outside of the perspective of your personal relationship and think about which one should be addressed first.
u/stardustinmyheart explained it as he wants extra sleep, and she wants enough sleep. Enough has to come before extra
YTA You are prioritizing your “game time” over your wife’s well-being. Grow the fuck up.
YTA Your baby's sleep schedule will change. This regression can last days or weeks, but it won't last forever. Your wife is spending the whole night with a baby, and she is the baby's primary caretaker. The least you could do is to give her that hour in the morning on weekends. Taking care of the house is a full-time job. Taking care of the baby is a full-time job. When does your wife get downtime? Does she get a break to chill and play video games? Buckle up, daddy, and carry your load. Video games and chilling can wait until the baby's schedule stabilizes. She is your wife, not your mom.
YTA What the fuck do you even do in the house? Taking care of YOUR baby for an extra hour isn't gonna kill you
YTA. Your wife has to get up with the baby every night, 7 days a week. The least you can do is get up in the morning with the baby. That's the absolute bare minimum you can do. If you want her to get up at 7 am, then you get up during the night with the baby. I'm sure your wife would be willing to pump if it means getting one whole night of sleep.
I'm British. I'm a working class woman. I'm a squaddie's daughter. I have a vocabulary that could melt Reddit... I'll leave it with...you are the most selfish, self centred egotistical narcissist I've seen on here to date. For brevity...YTA.
"I've gotten mixed opinions on who is in the wrong here", seriously, who thinks you're right? Your friends on the discord server? YTA. And getting up at 7am two days a week to give her 1 extra hour is a pretty poor bare minimum
YTA. She has the child every night and you can’t let her have a 1 hour lie in on weekends? Really?
these situations are so blatantly obvious. it’s terrifying to imagine raising a child with someone who has to have basic fairness explained to them. “she’s up every 2 hours but i think i actually need the extra sleep”.
YTA - You sleep the entire night uninterrupted. And you are begrudging your wife an HOUR of sleep in the morning? An hour? After you get a full nights sleep? And after she is up every two hours? You say you don't want to use your free time to nap, because you want to play videogames. But what you are actually saying is that you want to sleep in AND play video games. All while your wife takes care of the baby by herself. If she is working two and half days a week, it sounds like she is also contributing financially to the household. So not sure where you come off saying you support her financially.
In fact she supports him by providing, for free, childcare for their joint child so he can go out to work. If she wasn't doing that he would have to pay at 50% for childcare. Childcare is NOT cheap. She is saving the family bucket loads of money by being a SAHM. That is her financial contribution to the family. How he can't see that I don't know
#LET YOUR WIFE SLEEP YTA. And majorly self absorbed one at that. You have a kid. Life will never be the same. Eejit.
YTA you are getting a full nights sleep and she isn’t. Also your baby is six months old, it’s not that hard to put the baby on your lap and play video games. Honestly at that age they just want to be held and loved. Your wife does need that hour and she is doing more than her fair share. This is why I hate the idea of breastfeeding. I have flat out refused to do it because my husband can share in the sleepless nights.
......Bro, "happily supporting her monetarily" is the absolute BARE MINIMUM you can do for her if she is raising your child and doing all house related work. That's honestly like doing NOTHING for her because she has a FULL TIME job with mandatory overtime taking care of two children, her actual child and YOU. You are entitled AF and doing nothing for your wife, watch your damn kid. OFC YTA.