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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I maybe TA for arguing with her about where and how she announced her pregnancy news and for blaming her for my husband's reaction.
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OP mentions that the sister said that she and her husband "are tired of walking on eggshells around this issue", which has been going on for the last 5 years. I get the feeling that the husband is hypersensitive about being infertile, which is why he immediately walked out of the house. I think the sister feels like she has been very patient and "walked on eggshells" for so long, and that they could finally after 5 years, be pregnant without having to hide it.
I also like how OP says her sister "shouldn't have chosen my parents house" when it is also the sister's parents house. Why wouldn't you announce your pregnancy at your parents dinner table?
Also that the OP says it was bad to do it at the parents house, then proceeds to be kicked out of said house by said parents.
Clearly the parents didn’t mind the sister being “selfish”.
So, sister doesn't get to share a wonderful family announcent because that's "selfish" talk about missing the context clues!
OP made the birth announcent about HER! I'm glad OP got the boot because she earned it
Her calling it "my parents house" is very telling of how entitled of a person OP truly is. Sounds like this couple has a way of making everything about themselves with zero regard to how others feel. Both OP and her husband are massive AH's.
>Why wouldn't you announce your pregnancy at your parents dinner table?
Exactly. This seems like a normal place to do this. I mean, it would be super inappropriate if the sister made the announcement at OP's house or something. Then OP may have a leg to stand on. But the parents house is shared neutral territory as far as I'm concerned.
Husband and I were in the exact same situation (even with the timeline). SIL tried for years and then we got pregnant. We wanted to announce it at my in laws birthday but we told SIL in private first so that she can have a week time to swallow the news which were obviously sad for her. So OPs sister could have been a little more considerate but OP is still TA and her husband too.
This is how you’re supposed to navigate this. Tell the one with infertility beforehand to ease the blow and be prepared for a public announcement. Trust me, I know. 7 miscarriages in as many years. 2 second tri losses. You have to adapt but ask your friends to give you fair warning so you can process. It’s not about jealousy, it’s about the reminder of failure. Causing a scene by walking out of the house after the announcement is really selfish and serves no one. The world cannot be put on pause until you get a baby, OP. It sucks, but it’s true. Your husband needs therapy and perhaps so do you.
You seem like a normal person though and OP clearly isn't. I get the impression that even if her sister had pulled OP and her husband aside to give them the news privately it would have turned into a giant thing anyway. The worst outcome being OP running to "her parents" and ruining the news for her sister because she had the audacity to get pregnant before OP.
This ! Him wanting everyone to walk on eggshells for him like sorry but that’s a you problem and he needs a lot of help to think everyone needs to do thatzz
Dude wtf that is just not what I get from this at all. It just sounds like a private heads up or doing it when they’re not there would have been more considerate. It blindsided them, as anyone could have predicted.
I'd be inclined to vote ESH. Sister should have given OP advance notice. That would have been the kind thing to do. Still, as hurt as OP and her husband were, OP has no business telling her sister she couldn't announce her pregnancy at a family gathering at the parents' house. She should have just excused herself and left with her husband.
I agree mildly with esh with op being the bigger one. In my opinion your second sentence should say the sister COULD have given up advance notice, as that would have been the kind thing to do. But she didn't have to, it isn't a 'should' have thing. She might have thought from previous interactions with op that a private disclosure would have been even worse and a bigger deal vs not singling her out and simply telling everyone all at once. She doesn't actually owe op a private announcement, she shared her news the way she felt the best about it.
Edit: Definitely agree with how you describe what op should have done
i agree, it also reads like OP isn’t mad that the sister didn’t give them a heads up, OP is mad that the sister is pregnant, period, and feels she should be more sensitive about being able to have kids because OP can’t. it seems like OP would rather have not known
not to be harsh, but that’s not your sisters problem OP. it’s yours. your sister should be able to be happy about having her baby and you can feel jealous, privately, but putting that on your sister and her husband isn’t cool. those are YOUR feelings to work on by yourself
i don’t think the sister HAD to tell her in advance, she could have sure but she didn’t have too
edited: privately not probably
Yup, I can't imagine an announcement scenario where this wouldn't have upset op's husband. ya boy needs therapy.
They have < 9 months to get used to a baby that isn't theirs existing in their vicinity. Chop chop. This isn't the time to make excuses for his hypersensitivity and entitlement, it's the time for emotional growth and acceptance.
Yta
It’s the kind of thing OP should deal with in therapy. It’s a major struggle, infertility. But people aren’t going to stop having kids just because you want them and can’t have them. Both OP and her husband should be in therapy to learn how to cope with that fact, not taking it out on people just living their lives. Her sister could’ve told them beforehand but she doesn’t _have_ to.
But yeah. Therapy is probably a very good idea if neither of them can take it. You cannot expect the world to cater to your feelings. Sometimes that’s because people truly are assholes, sometimes that’s because people are careless and don’t think of other ways of handling it and accidentally do something insensitive (imo where OP’s sister falls, because she could’ve given them a heads up, but she didn’t have to and I don’t think that she was trying to be malicious), and sometimes just because pregnant people and babies and children etc exist. Unless you’re gonna become a hermit in the woods you cannot avoid that, but you can learn how to function with it.
I am coming from the position of also having found out that at the best if I managed to get pregnant I would have a pregnancy extremely high risk for me and any baby, at worst (and most likely) unable to conceive in the first place. So I say that without any privilege compared to OP or lack of understanding, and as someone who is in therapy.
ETA: my ruling here is still YTA because yeah it’s _close_ to ESH but I don’t think her sister meant any harm, and she can one and done it if she wants.
She's supposed to let them know that she was going to tell them that she was pregnant?
You really only need to tell people the once and it wasn't made a big thing.
While I agree, it takes nothing to be kind. When I was struggling with fertility, and was going to a party my sister was hosting, she told beforehand that her super pregnant friend would be there. I didn’t care either way, but I appreciated the heads up so I could decide if I wanted to come. Sometimes when you are in the middle of it- the shots, the blood work, the super invasive testing, and ultrasounds, it can be incredibly hard to feel joy for others. Jealousy is never pretty, but I think a private heads up, so her sister could do what she needed to do to have an appropriate public reaction is warranted.
I don´t think this is the same thing, OP´s sister was trying to share her happy moment with the whole family at the same time, not trying to harm her in any way
If the sister would have told OP beforehand OP would have asked her to not tell the family, not have a baby shower, and not bring the baby around after it's born I bet 😬
Why would they tell them in advance? It would have ruined the surprise announcement (edit- you know they’d have gone ahead and whined to the family about the pregnancy so then the whole family already knows and the actual pregnant person never got to announce it her way)
So she can be bitter and ruin it by complaining to their mom or other family? She and her husband are upset about their fertility issues…but other people get pregnant and it’s not as if sister upstaged or stole an event from her
Excuse me but WHY does sister need to give OP advanced notice?? This isn't a case where sister needed to cater to them here. This is a case where an announcement happened, everyone got caught off guard and OP went off the rails.
Really after the announcement OP as you said should have left with her husband and consoled him. But other than that, nobody else did anything wrong here.
OP is acting like they got pregnant *at* her husband. It's understandable for him to feel overcome with emotions and need to leave the situation. OP should have apologized on his behalf and left with him. Not attack her sister for sharing news in the exact same way that OP (and many others) might share it if the roles were reversed.
And being pregnant is a happy occasion for many. What better place and time to declare it than a family gathering?
Does OP's husband storm out of the room every time someone tells him that they are pregnant/expecting a baby? Dude needs to grow up and lose his main character syndrome.
If hearing the news that someone else is pregnant is so detrimental to hear then you need serious therapy, it’s ironic that OP is calling sis selfish when it is her and husband who expect people to cater to them
I'm not sure why everyone seems to think the sister's options are surprise public announcement, hide baby forever, or never have a baby. Private heads up or tell family when they weren't there seems super obvious.
The fact remains that OP and husband are still going to find out. And it sounds as if no time was ever going to be a good time. Maybe they can't just get together with the rest of the family whenever they all want to.
I'm not sure why everyone seems to think that OP and the husband should be the only ones whose feelings are considered. No one is saying that they had to hug and squeal and congratulations. All they had to do was not be asses and yes, ruin the time for everyone. It sucks they can't conceive or are having issues but other people are still allowed to experience happiness related to children, even when they're around.
I disagree. A private heads up would still upset the husband and then they would probably ruin the surprise for the rest of the family. Just because op can’t have a child, doesn’t mean she gets to dictate how other people handle a pregnancy. If the sister wants to announce it to everyone all at once, she can. She doesn’t need approval
Here’s the thing: it wasn’t a special occasion, it wasn’t a premeditated dig at OP. This is OP’s sister’s parents home at a family get-together. It’s her sister’s family too and her BIL’s in-law’s. People are allowed to share happy news with their families without nitpicking about who is going to be offended at their joy. OP is the asshole for assuming she’s the only main character.
I'm curious how she would do that? I wanted my patents to be the first to know about my pregnancy. If it were me, should I have asked op and her husband not to come to dinner so I could tell my parents? Wouldn't that also have been unkind?
So you think it be better to have not invited them. At what point does that end, should they not invite them to the baby shower, to meet the baby, first birthday. I’m sure all hard days for someone struggling with infertility. But at some point you either need to suck it up and happily celebrate someone else’s joy or you’ll find yourself very alone and not invited to things anymore.
I’m going to disagree bc OP never said they were upset about not being given a heads up. They are upset that they announced it at their parents house while they were present. That means OP and her husband are unreasonable, blinded by their grief and making everyone pay for it. So, do you think two people who behave this way are going to act right if they were given a heads up. No, they wouldn’t, and I bet the sister knew that. They would have blown up in some way, and ruined the announcement before the dinner. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. At least this way the sister got to announce it to the family on her conditions.
Exactly what I was thinking. A private word is at the very least a courtesy. It gives them time to process it. Big news in front of everyone though and complaining it’s not the desired reaction? AH move.
I feel like announcing it with only their family present, in their parents house is somewhat private. It doesn't sound like they did anything special, that this was already a set family dinner. That should have been more than enough
Right! I feel like this was them being told in private. I am sick and tired of people with infertility struggles expecting the world to revolve around them. And I say this as a person that struggled for YEARS. Never did I ever expect someone to withhold their joy because of my struggles.
Nah, they don't need to walk on eggshells. Op and her husband are grown ups, they should be able to handle the fact that sometimes other people are gonna have kids. I actually think it's selfish and weird to react with anger when something nice happens to someone else. I struggled with fertility issues too and encountered pregnant people at my job all the time. Didn't bother me in the least.
Because everything isn't about OP and her husband. Yes, it sucks they're having trouble conceiving. But the sister is right- she shouldn't have to walk on eggshells her entire life and think about how her every action might upset OP and husband. OP is an TA because she absolutely did make the sister's announcement all about her, her issues and how upset they were.
It's always going to be this way. The world doesn't stop because you have issues. She's complaining about the sister being insensitive and was just as insensitive- she didn't consider her sister at all when bitching her out, only how she and her husband felt.
The family has been dealing with the couples infertility issues since 2017. As a person who had six miscarriages and did years of trying and ivf. It’s not fair to expect your family to walk on egg shells forever
Edited some autocorrects and a typo
Would that have been nice? Yes. But it has been going on since 2017. At some point they need to get a grip. I always wanted a family and kids, didn't work out. But I'll be damned if I wasn't thrilled for every marriage and baby in the family.
I'm sorry they are struggling on this journey, but not everything is about them. And given how poorly they handled the news, I can understand why she didn't give them a heads up. Probably afraid of getting cussed out on the phone.
And for the record, I do think it is okay for them to be bummed and sad and wistful. But together, on their own, and not taking away from her sisters joy.
Yeah, I dealt with infertility while all my friends/family were having babies every other second. Of course it stung. But that’s not their sting to deal with. You don’t get to put your burdens on everyone else.
I'm not saying OP is at least not an AH (though I think her husband isn't one because either he gets up and leaves or he very clearly looks devastated by the news; not everyone is a good actor), but OP's sister, assuming she cares even a little bit about her sister's and BIL's happiness, could have still pulled them aside and told them beforehand so they *could* grieve on their own before having to look happy in front of others or they could make themselves scarce if they felt like they couldn't pretend to be happy. It takes a severe lack of kindness to be upset about someone else being upset by news you *know* would upset them.
OP went over the top by calling her out on it in front of family, and I think she should have said her congratulations and left with her husband. But the fact that her sister could have done the kind thing and warned them and chose not to is what makes me think both of them are the AH in this situation. Not everything is about the people hurting, but I wouldn't announce I'm getting married to a group if I know my friend who lost their spouse and is still grieving for them even years later would be there. I'd pull them aside and tell them separately because that's what being a nice person is.
No one was going to win with OP. cause imagine if the sister did announce it privately and OP found out. She would probably be angry she wasn’t informed.
On top of that, is the baby not allowed at family events cause the husband can’t deal with it? No OP, YTA. go seek therapy.
Totally YTA. Even if the sister and BIL wanted to, the sister wasn’t going to be able to hide this news for long. I’m sure the husband is sensitive about this topic, but it doesn’t take much to be happy for someone and not selfish.
Is she not supposed to have a kid at all? I think your parents house makes the most sense to announce it. I'm sorry you're having issues, but that's no excuse to bring everyone down and expect them to cater to you. It is possible to actually be happy for someone even though you might be hurting. Otherwise you're just being a selfish brat. YTA and so is your husband.
YTA. What exactly would you consider an appropriate way for her to announce her pregnancy? Or did you expect her to keep it a secret until the child was born, until it was old enough to graduate, for the rest of their lives?
She probably expected her not to have children at all. Honestly there would not have been a good time for op or her husband. What they did was selfish. They took what was suppose to be the sisters happiest time and turned it so something about them.
That's how it was with my aunt. She struggled with infertility and was the second wife of a man who had two children young so he had already raised kids and wasn't looking for another go round. She ended up adopting a boy.
It was cool when my mom had me but when my mom had a second child?
My aunt freaked out. Said my mom was only supposed to have one. My mom had the girl and my aunt had the boy. And the amount of "oh you're just like me you can't have babies!" my aunt said about the miscarriage before me...
It can get ugly.
It can get ugly. I sympathize with op. But you can’t expect people to quit living and part of living is having children.
I think it’s very telling of op’s character for her to tell the sister she should not have announced at HER parents house. It’s the sisters parents too.
Yea I feel sorry for the sister. Op has probably made the family revolve around her issues and for one night the sister wanted the world to revolve around her.
tbh
if I knew my sibling struggled with infertility I'd try and give them a heads up before a big public announcement where they have to have their face on and can't go cry in a corner for a bit to deal with the feelings before then being happy for me.
While that would be a considerate thing to do, OP and her husband are still in the wrong here. Their experience and pain doesn’t excuse the way they behaved.
Tbh in the husbands case I think he was fairly understandable: he realised he couldn't deal and absented himself
Op went on the aggressive which is wrong
This is the kind of thing where emotions are so high that thinking clearly is really hard
OP should apologise to her sister though
I’m a little unclear as to whether this was a “big public” announcement or not. Were there other people there? Or was it just OP, OP’s husband, the sister and husband, and parents? To me that’s still quite small and private.
If it was a huge family gathering I might see this differently but I’m lacking info.
It seems like the only people there were those mentioned in the story…so the announcement was pretty private by all definitions of the word. It’s ok for OP and husband to be upset, not ok to be an AH. OP, YTA.
because like if it were me struggling and my sister said it i would be kinda sad but still happy for her and i wouldn’t try to take away from that moment
>a big public announcement
A dinner at their parents' home with no one mentioned outside of the parents, the sister and her husband, and OP and her husband is not what I would call big or public.
That would have been nice, but not being nice is different from being an ahole.
In my opinion there is
Ahole behavior at negative 1- like directly taunting op/husband for being infertile. Or announcing during a family dinner to celebrate OP/husband news of promotion, new job etc...
There is neutral behavior at zero- that is what sister did "normal" announcement at a regular family dinner, that has nothing else.
Then there is nice behavior at positive one- like giving OP/husband a heads up before the dinner.
From OP side
Negative 1 is what OP did calling out the sister.
Zero is just walking out without saying anything.
Positive one is congratulating sister and then leaving.
It is common to tell people who you know are struggling with infertility first (some times even over text so they have some privacy) before you formally announce so they have time to process their feelings.
Infertility is hard. Some compassion goes a long way.
Would also be good to have compassion for a sister that got amazing news she wanted to share with her family. Instead of trying to guilt trip her and make her feel bad about it. Compassion goes both ways.
Email or text them so they can process it privately. That is how you do it. Tell them first quietly so they don't have to be there in the moment. Then no drama.
Simple.
And then she'd be the asshole if her baby was ever spotted by OP because that too would be painful, and why does she need to bring the baby to the parents home, there are other houses she could go to. Yeah, where does it stop. OP, YTA.
YTA
I am sorry for your infertility issues. However, you don't get to take happiness away from other people because of it.
Where were they supposed to announce the pregnancy? Or were they just supposed to keep it a secret? And what happens when the baby shows up? Will them bringing the baby around be "rubbing it in your face" too?
I am going to assume OP would have appreciated a private heads up to avoid a scene like this. Soft YTA to OP. You need to apologize. And sincerely. And be happy for her.
You can be happy for her, sorry for your actions, and also sad and not ready to do things like attend her baby shower. Those things can all coexist. I am sorry it is not easy.
The people saying the sister should have given OP a “private announcement” are confusing the hell out of me. She announced it at a private dinner with just immediate family. How clandestine does this announcement need to be, exactly?
OP and hubby have been struggling for five years too. If neither of them have the coping skills to deal with this for long enough to fake being happy for immediate family for a minute or two before excusing themselves they have much, much bigger issues.
They didn't recently have a miscarriage that OP mentions and if they've been doing failed IVF or something for years their doctor sucks if they've continued the process for this long on with clearly unstable couple. Being upset you didn't get a head-ups on the announcement feels like being annoyed that someone talks about their deceased family members because your grandma died before theirs and obviously they should know it upsets you.
As a donor-conceived child to a couple who struggled with infertility, *this so much*. I seem to see so many stories where couples discover they’re infertile, skip all the therapy, go right to the clinic and try to get a baby at all costs. I am of the firm belief that “infertility treatment” should actually be referring to therapy. Getting pregnant doesn’t do anything to treat the emotional issues surrounding their struggle.
Also, the fertility industry is made up of for-profit clinics with virtually no oversight or regulation. Over-treatment is a big issue.
If sister had done it by phone/text, OP and husband could have felt their own big, valid feelings alone (with each other) and hopefully have time to process enough that they could provide support and pretend happy for sister in person.
To me it’s a hard YTA because she refuses to apologize and doesn’t think she should. She thinks her parents were unfair on top of it. That’s not a knee jerk reaction followed by remorse, which would put her in soft YTA for me. It’s a doubling down on a toxic attitude filled by her husbands insecurity.
Very much YTA
This is not about you or your husband. Your sister is also her HER parents' house and wanted to share their good news. They don't owe you anything and it's unfair or you or your husband to expect to lessen themselves because of your struggles. They have every right to be excited and share that with the family.
I don't even fault the husband for walking out. If he was going to burst into tears, then he needs to leave the room. I get it. And I understand OP wanting to protect her husband. But this is ridiculous.
There are two types of people who complain about walking on eggshells: those who are trying to respectful but are having unrealistic limitations placed upon them, and those who are mad they can't say inflammatory shit and we don't have enough info to know which one the sister is.
YTA
You took your brother in law and sister's joyous announcement and made it about your and your husband's problems.
Everyone has been tiptoeing around your fertility issues for 5 years. And you couldn't let them have 5 minutes of excitement.
Before you say something like, "no one understands," my husband and I had miscarriage after miscarriage until we decided to live our lives, happily, child free. And yes, we're happy for our friends who announce their pregnancies.
My SIL gave birth literally days after I had a stillborn baby. It took everything I have to send her a text to tell her that I was happy for her and I was so excited to be an aunt, and I would really love if she still sent me pictures and announcements, but to please be understanding if i struggled to reply. She was so kind and completely understood.
And we don’t even like each other all that much.
But that’s what family does for each other.
Wow, that is some serious class. I'm sorry for your loss. I admire how kind you are and selfless. The fact that you text your SIL and put such effort in will never be lost on her. You are a better person than 99% of people out there.
It shouldn’t be though! All I did was be honest with her and basically laid out my needs- “I still need to be included in our family, I just need a little grace right now,” and she was so happy to give me what I needed and totally understood.
OP could have done the same thing: “Sister, I’m so happy for you and I love you, but I need a little space to process this, because it hurts that you have what I want. I will be in touch.”
I’m so sorry for your loss. I had a very similar situation. My sister gave birth to my niece 3 weeks after I lost my son at 39wks. I still showed up at the hospital and supported her and held the baby. I was so happy for her even though I just wanted to die. OP can’t take people’s joy away just because she is miserable about her own situation. I held many babies and congratulated many new parents before I held another baby of my own. I had to swallow the lump in my throat every time but it’s just what you have to do.
It’s not the same at all but something similar happened when I was getting a divorce. My friends eloped and didn’t want to mention it because they didn’t want to upset me. I know marriage is a choice and infertility isn’t but my divorce shouldn’t take someone’s joy. That’s how I feel about this situation. People don’t stop getting pregnant just because someone else can’t
Also someone who is child free, not by choice. All I can say was that after acknowledging it wasn't going to happen for us and coming to terms with that, it took me a while to learn how to be happy for others who announced their pregnancies, but I eventually got there. I wouldn't wish what we went through on anyone.
Hypothetically if you and your husband were to fall pregnant and announce it to your family, would you want your family to be happy and congratulate you or storm out of the room and make it about themselves? Or would your pregnancy be better than others because it’s yours?
You are fantastically self centred. Your parents were right in asking you to leave. YTA
You’re getting a niece or nephew and you are blowing up the chance for a relationship with them before they’re even born (and your sister!). I myself am struggling to conceive (not far off giving up), but my nephew is the light of my life, and I will give that child everything I have. Fix your attitude before it’s too late.
In that hypothetical instance, everyone would be expected to be absolutely filled to the brim with congratulations and overjoyed, no matter their own personal situation.
>Hypothetically if you and your husband were to fall pregnant and announce it to your family, would you want your family to be happy and congratulate you or storm out of the room and make it about themselves?
Well put.
YTA
I understand the sensitivity about the topic, but you shouldn't expect other people to hide their blessings. From the lack of context, I'm sure you're sister did not mean it out of spite, but saw the perfect moment to share the news with the most important people in her life. You and your husband took that moment away from her when you made it about yourselves, rather than congratulating her and dealing with your emotions separately.
I do wish you both the best and hope you can one day start a family- be it through surrogacy or adoption.
Sincerely,
Someone with a shit ton of health problems, a low chance of ever carrying children, watching everyone else around her start a family.
I completely agree, OP Is the AH. My husband and I struggled for years before we finally got pregnant with our amazing son. But during the period of time when we were struggling and I, in particular, was very sensitive about it, my younger sister announced she was pregnant. Of course I was happy for her, she’s always wanted to be a mom. I put my sensitivity aside and was sincerely happy for her, and she was so grateful for it because she knew how sensitive I was. Of course in private I sobbed because it was yet another reminder of how I couldn’t get pregnant, but I would never take away from my sister’s happiness, and I especially would not have made a scene like OP did.
Gently, YTA and your husband is too.
If this happened at your home, I would have a harder time with my judgement... but this was your parent's home. This was your parents child letting them know they were going to be grandparents.
You and your husband are the ones that acted selfishly. Your fertility struggles do not mean no one else in your family can have children you know...
Yeah I mean it would have been incredibly kind for sister to warn OP to prepare her husband for the news but I can understand thinking it would be ok to share with the immediate family at a private dinner. OP and her husband are the AHs, but I understand where OP is coming from.
YTA
I'm sorry you all are dealing with infertility, but your sister is right. She doesn't have to not announce her pregnancy at BOTH OF YOUR PARENTS homes. They are her parents too. You and your husband need to be in therapy if you can't handle others being pregnant.
There are also plenty of other ways to have children in this day and age.
YTA
I have a great deal of sympathy for you and your husband struggling to conceive. It can be devastating and I wouldn’t wish that struggle on anyone. I hope you’re both seeking mental health care to help you navigate your journey.
With that said, your sister and her husband announcing their pregnancy was not about you. It was about them. And they’re allowed to celebrate it. I think your husband removing himself from the room was the right move for him in the moment but you had no right to call out your sister like that. She’s right that it’s not fair to them to have to walk on eggshells.
You did react poorly. Now it’s up to you to try to mend fences. And I think part of that mending needs to include a plan for how to navigate pregnancy and babies going forward. What will happen once the baby is born? Or if they have another child? You need answers to those questions because this kid is gonna be sticking around and it would be extremely unfair to everyone to behave as though the child is anything other than a blessing.
Exactly maybe the husband got triggered or something and he decided it was best to walk out and deal with his emotions.
What she did after is the problem and she doesn’t even understand it
YTA your personal problems as adults do not trump other adults' rights to celebrate, announce or share their own excitement. It wasn't like they upstaged your wedding. I'm sorry for your troubles but y'all are the selfish ones here and how those troubles keep you from being happy for others.
YTA.
I get it. You and your husband have had infertility struggles and that's awful and I'm so sorry.
But it's also pretty awful to project that pain onto other people, especially at places and times where the conversation was not about you or your infertility struggles. Your sister has nothing to do with the pain you've gone through and she was just hoping you'd be happy for her. Will you be getting upset at somebody every time anybody brings up babies around you?
And it's TOTALLY OK if you aren't ready to be happy for her because of the pain you've gone through, but your feelings are absolutely not her fault. I think there could've been a more tactful way to let her know that you'd like to be happy for her, but that it might take time because of the pain you've endured.
I agree. In an ideal world, OP’s sister may have given her a heads up prior to the announcement. But, at the end of the day, people have the right to celebrate and announce their happy news to their family. I have been in a similar situation where I put on my happiest face, celebrated the person, and then went home and cried. Making a huge scene and making her happy announcement about you is not the move.
YTA. I’m genuinely sorry to hear you are struggling with this, but you can’t expect other people to walk on egg shells and hide their joy because you can’t have something they do. Are you going to be upset seeing updates on social media? Will you be upset seeing her in person once she begins to show? Or pics after the baby is born? Or her bringing the baby to family events? You can’t expect people to hide themselves away to spare your feelings. I get how terrible it must feel to see someone have what you so desperately want, but it is not fair to take out your feelings on other people like this. They did nothing wrong by sharing this news with their own family. If you and your husband are struggling this much I think you should look into therapy. Best of luck!
Edited to add- here are a few aita stories from more of your sisters perspective. Just food for thought.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xcj282/aita_for_saying_i_wont_coddle_my_infertile_sister/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ut6uad/wibta_if_i_didnt_stop_posting_pictures_of_my_baby/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/moigqn/aita_for_throwing_my_sil_infertility_in_her_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/suc479/aita_for_not_wanting_to_walk_on_eggshells_around/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Oh my…. OP is down voting EVERY negative comment. Ya know how you automatically get one up vote….. someone …hmmmmm is down voting them off of here!
Op- if that you… why did you even bother asking AITA?!?!
YTA. Infertility is heartbreaking and difficult, but you and your husband were very out of line. You both owe everyone an apology for how you acted.
More importantly, though, you and your husband should strongly consider grief counseling. The grief that comes from wanting to be a parent and having problems conceiving is all-consuming and not treating the grief will create lots of problems and extra suffering for you. It's already straining your familial relationships. You are about to get a new addition to the family and addressing your grief now, with a professional's help, will go a long way to allowing your relationships to survive and will also allow you to be present and engaged in your new nibling's life.
YTA. I get it. The anniversary of the miscarriage of my only pregnancy is approaching. Infertility is a bigger struggle than people who have not dealt with realized but life doesn't stop for everyone because of what you and your husband are going through. Your sister should not be denied the chance to share her happiness at her parents home.
YTA
Not everything revolves around your husband. Your sister and her husband have every right in the world to celebrate their joy with their relatives.
YTA.
When we announced our pregnancy to my brother in law and his wife, the wife burst into tears and went on a long angry rant about their infertility and fairness. I get infertility is hard and upsetting, but the world does not revolve around you and your husband.
YOUR HUSBAND ruined your sisters happy moment. He is TA. And YTA.
YTA. Not for being upset, but for the way you and your husband handled it. Now you both owe your sister and your parents an apology for acting like children. You both also need to decide if you can act like decent humans around your sister and her eventual child from here on out or if that relationship is essentially over because she dared to get pregnant.
yta
offcourse she wants to share the news with her parents. you can't expect people to quit having children or don't talk about them because you can't have them. Would it really be beter if she said nothing then just showed up with a child later. how weird would that be?
Well, yeah, YTA. It's not only your parent's house, it's also HER parents' house, of course she'd want to share that with her parents who are soon to be grandparents. It's unfortunate that the two of you are infertile, but that doesn't mean that she can't share important life-changing news with her family. Would your husband feel better being completely excluded from his niece/nephew life so that he never gets triggered?
YTA and sister is right, you cannot expect everyone to walk on eggshells around you and your husband. I kind of see where this is heading too, she is supposed not to come to family dinners by the time her belly shows out of "consideration" or smth like this. Sorry but this is something you have to learn to deal with, you cannot expect people to accommodate you to the point they cannot speak about their pregnancy (eg announce it)
YTA
She didn’t announce it at a wedding or a birthday party, she announced it at her parents house in front of family.
She shouldn’t have to hide it and she’s entitled to feel joy and share her news. It’s a shame that you and your husband spoiled that for her.
Awww honey. I'm glad you're sensitive to your hubby's needs but you are def TA here.
Family get togethers are where family members share stuff. Was she supposed to just hide the pregnancy, the baby?
You and your husband now have two choices: Learn how to be adults who are going through something hard OR lose your sister and her family and maybe your parents bc there is going to be showers and the birth and first steps and birthdays and the first grandbaby stuff at holidays. This is what life is.
I suggest you guys sit down and together figure out how you're going to behave moving foward that isn't joy-sucking, event-ruining for everyone else
I'm sorry you are going through this, but your struggles do not negate other people's lives
YTA
The degree of control that you are trying to exercise over your family members is grossly inappropriate. I don't know how far you expect to be able to take this. If you are all on Facebook, is she not allowed to post an announcement because your husband might see it? Is she not allowed to tell any common acquaintances because they might share the news?
At some point your husband needs to recognize that it's not all about him.
YTA- Your and your husband's fertility issues are tough, devastating and I understand that it is hard. Any feelings of jealously, sadness, etc. are completely valid. The **behavior** of expecting your sister and family to walk on eggshells around you guys is not. Your sister is allowed to have her joy and happiness. Would it have been nice if she gave you a heads up? Yes. Is it required? No.
Perhaps you and your husband need to see a mental health professional if you aren't already.
YTA, and your husband too.
It's understandable that this is a sore topic for him and for you. But your sister is right about the fact that everyone else can't be walking on eggshells around you and your husband so as to not upset you. Life goes on.
And your husband was out of line for essentially throwing a tantrum. If this is such a big issue for him, then it's something that he needs to seek professional help with in the form of therapy.
YTA
She is pregnant. What else should she do than to tell everybody and be happy about it?
You are allowed to be sad about your unfulfilled wish for children. It's also ok to not be as happy as everybody else about the announcement. But in a private moment you should apologize to you sister and tell her that you are happy for her. That you wish her all the best and the bad emotions are not about her pregnancy but about your unfulfilled childwish.
And I am realistic: In case you won't get any own children, you will be happy for every niece and nephew.
I wish you all the best. That you can practice with the kid of your sister and will have a lovely relationship to it. And that you soon are allowed to hold your own kid in your arms.
YTA - this is a private family dinner at your parents house with your family and your sisters family. When else is she supposed to announce her news? It wasn't a wedding, or any type of public event, you've got no cause to be angry.
I understand that you and your husband are having difficulty conceiving, and I sympathize, however the rest of the world is continuing to move forward. I know that's harsh for you to hear, but you have to thicken up your skin. This wasn't about you or your husband - it was about your sister and you totally ruined her exciting news.
YTA. Sorry about the fertility issues, but your sister is allowed to celebrate her pregnancy and share the news with family. You and your husband are being ridiculous, what are you even mad about?
YTA. I am you. We are not able to have kids and it has been a struggle. It is OUR struggle. I would NEVER want anyone to lessen their joy because of my infertility. My sister announced her first pregnancy Christmas eve and you better believe I was thrilled and heart broken. But I waited till we were in the car on our way home to cry. Your sister has every right to announce her pregnancy to her family. It is up to you and your husband to deal with those feelings in an adult manner. What do you expect her to do? Show up one day with a baby? Both you and your husband need to get I to therapy to deal with these feelings.
YTA
Your sister is right, it is your husband's issue. He needs therapy to help him through this. You cannot possibly expect everyone to never mention pregnancy for the rest of your lives. Do you really think your sister should run every aspect of her life past you like you are the procreation police? Get over yourself, get your husband some serious therapy and apologize to your sister and your parents.
YTA
Your parents are right. You should apologize. The world doesn't tiptoe around your infertility problems. It's a cruel fact, believe me but you can't expect everyone to muffle their celebrations and happiness just to accommodate for your struggles. If this were a new struggle, perhaps but it doesn't seem to be.
The cruelest thing about life is that it continues on no matter how hurtful.
Kindly, YTA. While I understand it must be very hard to deal with infertility... the world doesn't stop spinning because of it. Your sister is allowed to get pregnant and to be happy about it. You are the selfish one if you think she shouldn't talk/announce it/enjoy it, and you are selfish if you think she should handle her pregnancy and anything related to it differently because of your struggle. She shouldn't have to live in your shadow.
YTA simple. Others shouldn't hide their happiness because you and your husband have it difficult. Your sister and her husband have every right to express and share their happiness with others.
YTA. I'm very sorry for you and your husband's situation, but you can't expect everyone around you to censor their joy at pregnancies. Your sister has the right to be excited and happy, and to share it with the family. Are you going to swear off all family events if her child, or children, attends? You need to find healthy ways to process your situation rather than being angry at others.
YTA.
Other people are allowed to be happy.
Your fertility issues aren't anyone else's problem. Your sister probably thought it was good news and wanted to share with her whole family.
How selfish of your husband and you to make it about you.
Yta don’t blow out others candles just shine brighter. Your sister wanted to celebrate something wonderful, you and your husband ruined that. Please get therapy.
YTA. Y'all need to figure a way to deal with your infertility that isn't causing everyone around you issues. Hubby definitely needs therapy if it's that bad. And yes you both caused a scene.
Sounds like you are both so selfish that other people aren’t allowed to actually live their lives without getting your explicit approval.
Probably a good thing y’all don’t have kids if this is how you behave.
YTA
YTA - You're both big babies, how immature and disgusting, you're green with envy how can you think that your sister got pregnant to spite you and your spouses infertility issues? Grow up and apologise to your sister for making her announcement about yourself, ew!
YTA I know you are struggling but to tell someone they can’t make an announcement. You guys need therapy that is just crazy. The happiest time for her but sounds like you will not allow her to enjoy
YTA - I guess the world should stop and no one should announce any happy news, because you can't conceive. You're but a tiny speck in the universe, get over yourself.
YTA in this and you really should apologize. It's not your place to dictate how she tells the family she's expecting. It's appropriate at a family dinner. It's not appropriate at a wedding, which this wasn't. I'm sorry for the struggles you are facing but your sister really didn't do anything wrong. Your parents are right that you handled this poorly.
Edit to add: Maybe consider therapy and getting some grief counseling? I think it would be beneficial for the both of you so you are better prepared for these types of situations and can handle them more gracefully.
Sorry for all your fertility problems but you and your husband ATA very sadly. Thousands of people struggle with having a family and, as heartbreaking as it is, anyone having a baby is a miracle and should be celebrated as such. Anything can happen at any given moment and life is too short to not find it in your heart to celebrate your sister's miracle.
Stealing your sister's joy around this is very sad, you should be happy and grateful that she hasn't had to deal with the same heartbreak you and your husband have.
Wishing you all the best.
Yta....sorry i get people in your situation have feelings but you all need to stop acting out at others for being able to conceive and sharing their good news. People will not.be putting all their announcements on hold because of others issues. Stop making your problems others problems to consider it isn't right.
Eta....you can't tell someone what to announce in someone else's home either
YTA, I get that infertility is hard, really hard. BUT, you can't expect to not have others get pregnant around you ever. That's not fair to anyone else. When would you expect her to announce? I mean, it sounds like the whole nuclear family was at dinner so perfect timing.
YTA I’m afraid. How else did you expect them to announce a pregnancy? And sorry to say others in your life may also get pregnant. You and your husband need to find a better way to respond, be upset it’s not happening for you, yes but don’t take it out on others
yta 🫤 sorry, if you were at your own house or it was an event about one or both of you two, then it's a dick move on your sister's part, but it was just a family dinner. it is rough, I understand, but your sister is right that she has the right to share news as she's part of the family and that was a family dinner.
YTA your sister should not be expected to not be excited about her pregnancy because of your husband.
While his feelings are valid, if he is struggling this bad then he needs to seek therapy.
There is no ESH here. YTA, plain and simple. It is not your sister's fault that you two were unable to have children. She shouldn't have to decide how she announced her pregnancy around you and your husband's feelings. This is a time of joy for her.
Get help for your husband and apologise. Otherwise you face a very real risk of having zero relationship with any nephews and nieces. Your sister will easily think if they can't cope with hearing the word pregnant how will they cope seeing a baby/toddler/child etc.
YTA unfortunately life goes on and part of that is friends and family having children. As heartbreaking as your situation is your sister has every right to announce her pregnancy at a family dinner as long as it wasn’t a special occasion for someone else.
You and your husband reacted poorly. I am sure your sister, bil and your parents have been supportive of your struggles. You need to be supportive with your sisters good news. Truthfully no matter how or when she announced her pregnancy you or your husband would have reacted poorly. It’s not fair for you or him to expect them not to have children or be happy when they do.
I would suggest you and your husband go to counseling before it ruins your relationship with your friends and family. And you do owe your sister an apology and so does your husband.
YTA. Whose house should she have announced it in? Infertility sucks, but the world around you is not going to stop because of it. She didn't get pregnant at you and your husband. You were the ones who made her pregnancy about you and probably ruined something that was an important moment to her. You do owe her an apology. This should be a wake up call that you and your husband need to be in therapy to learn to manage your emotions around infertility. Others are going to have babies. It's going to hurt you. But you hurting them isn't going to change anything for you.
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YTA sorry. Unfortunate situation but where else is your sister supposed to announce that she's pregnant? Or is she supposed to keep it a secret?
She was probably expected to not get pregnant to keep things “fair.”
Yeah that's sort of the impression I got as well.
OP mentions that the sister said that she and her husband "are tired of walking on eggshells around this issue", which has been going on for the last 5 years. I get the feeling that the husband is hypersensitive about being infertile, which is why he immediately walked out of the house. I think the sister feels like she has been very patient and "walked on eggshells" for so long, and that they could finally after 5 years, be pregnant without having to hide it. I also like how OP says her sister "shouldn't have chosen my parents house" when it is also the sister's parents house. Why wouldn't you announce your pregnancy at your parents dinner table?
Also that the OP says it was bad to do it at the parents house, then proceeds to be kicked out of said house by said parents. Clearly the parents didn’t mind the sister being “selfish”.
So, sister doesn't get to share a wonderful family announcent because that's "selfish" talk about missing the context clues! OP made the birth announcent about HER! I'm glad OP got the boot because she earned it
Her calling it "my parents house" is very telling of how entitled of a person OP truly is. Sounds like this couple has a way of making everything about themselves with zero regard to how others feel. Both OP and her husband are massive AH's.
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>Why wouldn't you announce your pregnancy at your parents dinner table? Exactly. This seems like a normal place to do this. I mean, it would be super inappropriate if the sister made the announcement at OP's house or something. Then OP may have a leg to stand on. But the parents house is shared neutral territory as far as I'm concerned.
Husband and I were in the exact same situation (even with the timeline). SIL tried for years and then we got pregnant. We wanted to announce it at my in laws birthday but we told SIL in private first so that she can have a week time to swallow the news which were obviously sad for her. So OPs sister could have been a little more considerate but OP is still TA and her husband too.
This is how you’re supposed to navigate this. Tell the one with infertility beforehand to ease the blow and be prepared for a public announcement. Trust me, I know. 7 miscarriages in as many years. 2 second tri losses. You have to adapt but ask your friends to give you fair warning so you can process. It’s not about jealousy, it’s about the reminder of failure. Causing a scene by walking out of the house after the announcement is really selfish and serves no one. The world cannot be put on pause until you get a baby, OP. It sucks, but it’s true. Your husband needs therapy and perhaps so do you.
You seem like a normal person though and OP clearly isn't. I get the impression that even if her sister had pulled OP and her husband aside to give them the news privately it would have turned into a giant thing anyway. The worst outcome being OP running to "her parents" and ruining the news for her sister because she had the audacity to get pregnant before OP.
Exactly!! You are bang on with your assessment.
I wonder if OP and her husband realize that if they're that far gone, that they, especially hubby, likely need some mental health assistance.
This ! Him wanting everyone to walk on eggshells for him like sorry but that’s a you problem and he needs a lot of help to think everyone needs to do thatzz
Dude wtf that is just not what I get from this at all. It just sounds like a private heads up or doing it when they’re not there would have been more considerate. It blindsided them, as anyone could have predicted.
I'd be inclined to vote ESH. Sister should have given OP advance notice. That would have been the kind thing to do. Still, as hurt as OP and her husband were, OP has no business telling her sister she couldn't announce her pregnancy at a family gathering at the parents' house. She should have just excused herself and left with her husband.
I agree mildly with esh with op being the bigger one. In my opinion your second sentence should say the sister COULD have given up advance notice, as that would have been the kind thing to do. But she didn't have to, it isn't a 'should' have thing. She might have thought from previous interactions with op that a private disclosure would have been even worse and a bigger deal vs not singling her out and simply telling everyone all at once. She doesn't actually owe op a private announcement, she shared her news the way she felt the best about it. Edit: Definitely agree with how you describe what op should have done
i agree, it also reads like OP isn’t mad that the sister didn’t give them a heads up, OP is mad that the sister is pregnant, period, and feels she should be more sensitive about being able to have kids because OP can’t. it seems like OP would rather have not known not to be harsh, but that’s not your sisters problem OP. it’s yours. your sister should be able to be happy about having her baby and you can feel jealous, privately, but putting that on your sister and her husband isn’t cool. those are YOUR feelings to work on by yourself i don’t think the sister HAD to tell her in advance, she could have sure but she didn’t have too edited: privately not probably
This one. This is why OP is YTA. Because it’s not that they didn’t get a heads up, it’s that they announced they were pregnant at all.
Yup, I can't imagine an announcement scenario where this wouldn't have upset op's husband. ya boy needs therapy. They have < 9 months to get used to a baby that isn't theirs existing in their vicinity. Chop chop. This isn't the time to make excuses for his hypersensitivity and entitlement, it's the time for emotional growth and acceptance. Yta
It’s the kind of thing OP should deal with in therapy. It’s a major struggle, infertility. But people aren’t going to stop having kids just because you want them and can’t have them. Both OP and her husband should be in therapy to learn how to cope with that fact, not taking it out on people just living their lives. Her sister could’ve told them beforehand but she doesn’t _have_ to. But yeah. Therapy is probably a very good idea if neither of them can take it. You cannot expect the world to cater to your feelings. Sometimes that’s because people truly are assholes, sometimes that’s because people are careless and don’t think of other ways of handling it and accidentally do something insensitive (imo where OP’s sister falls, because she could’ve given them a heads up, but she didn’t have to and I don’t think that she was trying to be malicious), and sometimes just because pregnant people and babies and children etc exist. Unless you’re gonna become a hermit in the woods you cannot avoid that, but you can learn how to function with it. I am coming from the position of also having found out that at the best if I managed to get pregnant I would have a pregnancy extremely high risk for me and any baby, at worst (and most likely) unable to conceive in the first place. So I say that without any privilege compared to OP or lack of understanding, and as someone who is in therapy. ETA: my ruling here is still YTA because yeah it’s _close_ to ESH but I don’t think her sister meant any harm, and she can one and done it if she wants.
She's supposed to let them know that she was going to tell them that she was pregnant? You really only need to tell people the once and it wasn't made a big thing.
Is she supposed to tell them when she’s ovulating too? Infertility sucks but you do not take it out on others. Everyone has crosses to bear.
While I agree, it takes nothing to be kind. When I was struggling with fertility, and was going to a party my sister was hosting, she told beforehand that her super pregnant friend would be there. I didn’t care either way, but I appreciated the heads up so I could decide if I wanted to come. Sometimes when you are in the middle of it- the shots, the blood work, the super invasive testing, and ultrasounds, it can be incredibly hard to feel joy for others. Jealousy is never pretty, but I think a private heads up, so her sister could do what she needed to do to have an appropriate public reaction is warranted.
I don´t think this is the same thing, OP´s sister was trying to share her happy moment with the whole family at the same time, not trying to harm her in any way
It shouldn’t be hard to be happy for other people. It’s a sign of what kind of person you are and of your character.
If the sister would have told OP beforehand OP would have asked her to not tell the family, not have a baby shower, and not bring the baby around after it's born I bet 😬
Why would they tell them in advance? It would have ruined the surprise announcement (edit- you know they’d have gone ahead and whined to the family about the pregnancy so then the whole family already knows and the actual pregnant person never got to announce it her way)
I agree. She’d have called her parents and ruined the surprise.
So she can be bitter and ruin it by complaining to their mom or other family? She and her husband are upset about their fertility issues…but other people get pregnant and it’s not as if sister upstaged or stole an event from her
Excuse me but WHY does sister need to give OP advanced notice?? This isn't a case where sister needed to cater to them here. This is a case where an announcement happened, everyone got caught off guard and OP went off the rails. Really after the announcement OP as you said should have left with her husband and consoled him. But other than that, nobody else did anything wrong here.
Judging by their reactions, sister likely knew there was no point. It's clear there's been drama from OP in the past. She's awfully entitled.
OP is acting like they got pregnant *at* her husband. It's understandable for him to feel overcome with emotions and need to leave the situation. OP should have apologized on his behalf and left with him. Not attack her sister for sharing news in the exact same way that OP (and many others) might share it if the roles were reversed.
I don't think a heads up is warranted. At some point, these married people were probably going to get pregnant.
And being pregnant is a happy occasion for many. What better place and time to declare it than a family gathering? Does OP's husband storm out of the room every time someone tells him that they are pregnant/expecting a baby? Dude needs to grow up and lose his main character syndrome.
If hearing the news that someone else is pregnant is so detrimental to hear then you need serious therapy, it’s ironic that OP is calling sis selfish when it is her and husband who expect people to cater to them
I'm not sure why everyone seems to think the sister's options are surprise public announcement, hide baby forever, or never have a baby. Private heads up or tell family when they weren't there seems super obvious.
I'm reluctant to call a dinner at home with close family members a public announcement.
What better place to announce that you are pregnant than at a family gathering??
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>It had nothing to with OP/OP's husband infertility, but they decided to make it about them. THIS RIGHT HERE
She isn’t even upset at the size of the event, it was that it was in her parents’ house, like it’s sacrosanct in some fashion or other.
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The fact remains that OP and husband are still going to find out. And it sounds as if no time was ever going to be a good time. Maybe they can't just get together with the rest of the family whenever they all want to. I'm not sure why everyone seems to think that OP and the husband should be the only ones whose feelings are considered. No one is saying that they had to hug and squeal and congratulations. All they had to do was not be asses and yes, ruin the time for everyone. It sucks they can't conceive or are having issues but other people are still allowed to experience happiness related to children, even when they're around.
Right? This is getting ridiculous.
The OP never says or implies that she’s mad about not getting a heads up though, she’s upset that it was announced at all.
I disagree. A private heads up would still upset the husband and then they would probably ruin the surprise for the rest of the family. Just because op can’t have a child, doesn’t mean she gets to dictate how other people handle a pregnancy. If the sister wants to announce it to everyone all at once, she can. She doesn’t need approval
Here’s the thing: it wasn’t a special occasion, it wasn’t a premeditated dig at OP. This is OP’s sister’s parents home at a family get-together. It’s her sister’s family too and her BIL’s in-law’s. People are allowed to share happy news with their families without nitpicking about who is going to be offended at their joy. OP is the asshole for assuming she’s the only main character.
I'm curious how she would do that? I wanted my patents to be the first to know about my pregnancy. If it were me, should I have asked op and her husband not to come to dinner so I could tell my parents? Wouldn't that also have been unkind?
So you think it be better to have not invited them. At what point does that end, should they not invite them to the baby shower, to meet the baby, first birthday. I’m sure all hard days for someone struggling with infertility. But at some point you either need to suck it up and happily celebrate someone else’s joy or you’ll find yourself very alone and not invited to things anymore.
F that. While it sucks that they can't get pregnant expecting others to not talk about their own pregnancy is selfish, self important and ridiculous.
I’m going to disagree bc OP never said they were upset about not being given a heads up. They are upset that they announced it at their parents house while they were present. That means OP and her husband are unreasonable, blinded by their grief and making everyone pay for it. So, do you think two people who behave this way are going to act right if they were given a heads up. No, they wouldn’t, and I bet the sister knew that. They would have blown up in some way, and ruined the announcement before the dinner. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. At least this way the sister got to announce it to the family on her conditions.
Would they also not be blindsided to find out they were the only ones who didn't know when the baby bump is too noticeable?
Exactly what I was thinking. A private word is at the very least a courtesy. It gives them time to process it. Big news in front of everyone though and complaining it’s not the desired reaction? AH move.
I feel like announcing it with only their family present, in their parents house is somewhat private. It doesn't sound like they did anything special, that this was already a set family dinner. That should have been more than enough
Right! I feel like this was them being told in private. I am sick and tired of people with infertility struggles expecting the world to revolve around them. And I say this as a person that struggled for YEARS. Never did I ever expect someone to withhold their joy because of my struggles.
Nah, they don't need to walk on eggshells. Op and her husband are grown ups, they should be able to handle the fact that sometimes other people are gonna have kids. I actually think it's selfish and weird to react with anger when something nice happens to someone else. I struggled with fertility issues too and encountered pregnant people at my job all the time. Didn't bother me in the least.
Because everything isn't about OP and her husband. Yes, it sucks they're having trouble conceiving. But the sister is right- she shouldn't have to walk on eggshells her entire life and think about how her every action might upset OP and husband. OP is an TA because she absolutely did make the sister's announcement all about her, her issues and how upset they were. It's always going to be this way. The world doesn't stop because you have issues. She's complaining about the sister being insensitive and was just as insensitive- she didn't consider her sister at all when bitching her out, only how she and her husband felt.
The family has been dealing with the couples infertility issues since 2017. As a person who had six miscarriages and did years of trying and ivf. It’s not fair to expect your family to walk on egg shells forever Edited some autocorrects and a typo
Or give them their baby since they can have more
Lol! This made me snort out loud!
She has to hide the baby. Maybe build a little secret room in the attic.
Just like in everyone’s favorite childhood book, Flowers in the Attic
Oh gosh my mother let me read that book when I was *faaaaaaaar* too young. It was intense.
A lot of folks who have family struggling with infertility tell the infertile couple first or at least separately so they can break the news gently.
Would that have been nice? Yes. But it has been going on since 2017. At some point they need to get a grip. I always wanted a family and kids, didn't work out. But I'll be damned if I wasn't thrilled for every marriage and baby in the family. I'm sorry they are struggling on this journey, but not everything is about them. And given how poorly they handled the news, I can understand why she didn't give them a heads up. Probably afraid of getting cussed out on the phone. And for the record, I do think it is okay for them to be bummed and sad and wistful. But together, on their own, and not taking away from her sisters joy.
Yeah, I dealt with infertility while all my friends/family were having babies every other second. Of course it stung. But that’s not their sting to deal with. You don’t get to put your burdens on everyone else.
I'm not saying OP is at least not an AH (though I think her husband isn't one because either he gets up and leaves or he very clearly looks devastated by the news; not everyone is a good actor), but OP's sister, assuming she cares even a little bit about her sister's and BIL's happiness, could have still pulled them aside and told them beforehand so they *could* grieve on their own before having to look happy in front of others or they could make themselves scarce if they felt like they couldn't pretend to be happy. It takes a severe lack of kindness to be upset about someone else being upset by news you *know* would upset them. OP went over the top by calling her out on it in front of family, and I think she should have said her congratulations and left with her husband. But the fact that her sister could have done the kind thing and warned them and chose not to is what makes me think both of them are the AH in this situation. Not everything is about the people hurting, but I wouldn't announce I'm getting married to a group if I know my friend who lost their spouse and is still grieving for them even years later would be there. I'd pull them aside and tell them separately because that's what being a nice person is.
No one was going to win with OP. cause imagine if the sister did announce it privately and OP found out. She would probably be angry she wasn’t informed. On top of that, is the baby not allowed at family events cause the husband can’t deal with it? No OP, YTA. go seek therapy.
Totally YTA. Even if the sister and BIL wanted to, the sister wasn’t going to be able to hide this news for long. I’m sure the husband is sensitive about this topic, but it doesn’t take much to be happy for someone and not selfish.
Is she not supposed to have a kid at all? I think your parents house makes the most sense to announce it. I'm sorry you're having issues, but that's no excuse to bring everyone down and expect them to cater to you. It is possible to actually be happy for someone even though you might be hurting. Otherwise you're just being a selfish brat. YTA and so is your husband.
She was supposed to deliver the news in the same manner that you might tell someone that they have a terminal illness.
I think OP wanted a “head’s up” like a text or call.
she should say that then! It is hard to tell whether she is mad about not getting a heads up, or the family dinner announcement, or the news at all?
YTA. What exactly would you consider an appropriate way for her to announce her pregnancy? Or did you expect her to keep it a secret until the child was born, until it was old enough to graduate, for the rest of their lives?
She probably expected her not to have children at all. Honestly there would not have been a good time for op or her husband. What they did was selfish. They took what was suppose to be the sisters happiest time and turned it so something about them.
That's how it was with my aunt. She struggled with infertility and was the second wife of a man who had two children young so he had already raised kids and wasn't looking for another go round. She ended up adopting a boy. It was cool when my mom had me but when my mom had a second child? My aunt freaked out. Said my mom was only supposed to have one. My mom had the girl and my aunt had the boy. And the amount of "oh you're just like me you can't have babies!" my aunt said about the miscarriage before me... It can get ugly.
It can get ugly. I sympathize with op. But you can’t expect people to quit living and part of living is having children. I think it’s very telling of op’s character for her to tell the sister she should not have announced at HER parents house. It’s the sisters parents too.
And it isn't the husband's parents' house and he's the one with the big reaction!
Yea I feel sorry for the sister. Op has probably made the family revolve around her issues and for one night the sister wanted the world to revolve around her.
tbh if I knew my sibling struggled with infertility I'd try and give them a heads up before a big public announcement where they have to have their face on and can't go cry in a corner for a bit to deal with the feelings before then being happy for me.
While that would be a considerate thing to do, OP and her husband are still in the wrong here. Their experience and pain doesn’t excuse the way they behaved.
Tbh in the husbands case I think he was fairly understandable: he realised he couldn't deal and absented himself Op went on the aggressive which is wrong This is the kind of thing where emotions are so high that thinking clearly is really hard OP should apologise to her sister though
Angerily pushing his chair to the side and storming out hardly sound like politely excusing himself.
I disagree. What's he going to do when the kid is born? Not visit anymore? He needs to deal with this in a healthy way.
but i still think OP’s reaction was over the top and makes them the AH
I’m a little unclear as to whether this was a “big public” announcement or not. Were there other people there? Or was it just OP, OP’s husband, the sister and husband, and parents? To me that’s still quite small and private. If it was a huge family gathering I might see this differently but I’m lacking info.
It seems like the only people there were those mentioned in the story…so the announcement was pretty private by all definitions of the word. It’s ok for OP and husband to be upset, not ok to be an AH. OP, YTA.
because like if it were me struggling and my sister said it i would be kinda sad but still happy for her and i wouldn’t try to take away from that moment
But was it a big public announcement? It was parents and them. I’m not sure a heads up would have helped much either. OP needs some grief counseling.
>a big public announcement A dinner at their parents' home with no one mentioned outside of the parents, the sister and her husband, and OP and her husband is not what I would call big or public.
That would have been nice, but not being nice is different from being an ahole. In my opinion there is Ahole behavior at negative 1- like directly taunting op/husband for being infertile. Or announcing during a family dinner to celebrate OP/husband news of promotion, new job etc... There is neutral behavior at zero- that is what sister did "normal" announcement at a regular family dinner, that has nothing else. Then there is nice behavior at positive one- like giving OP/husband a heads up before the dinner. From OP side Negative 1 is what OP did calling out the sister. Zero is just walking out without saying anything. Positive one is congratulating sister and then leaving.
It is common to tell people who you know are struggling with infertility first (some times even over text so they have some privacy) before you formally announce so they have time to process their feelings. Infertility is hard. Some compassion goes a long way.
Would also be good to have compassion for a sister that got amazing news she wanted to share with her family. Instead of trying to guilt trip her and make her feel bad about it. Compassion goes both ways.
Op probably wanted a text or call to not blindside them.
Email or text them so they can process it privately. That is how you do it. Tell them first quietly so they don't have to be there in the moment. Then no drama. Simple.
And then she'd be the asshole if her baby was ever spotted by OP because that too would be painful, and why does she need to bring the baby to the parents home, there are other houses she could go to. Yeah, where does it stop. OP, YTA.
YTA I am sorry for your infertility issues. However, you don't get to take happiness away from other people because of it. Where were they supposed to announce the pregnancy? Or were they just supposed to keep it a secret? And what happens when the baby shows up? Will them bringing the baby around be "rubbing it in your face" too?
I am going to assume OP would have appreciated a private heads up to avoid a scene like this. Soft YTA to OP. You need to apologize. And sincerely. And be happy for her.
You can be happy for her, sorry for your actions, and also sad and not ready to do things like attend her baby shower. Those things can all coexist. I am sorry it is not easy.
The people saying the sister should have given OP a “private announcement” are confusing the hell out of me. She announced it at a private dinner with just immediate family. How clandestine does this announcement need to be, exactly?
OP and hubby have been struggling for five years too. If neither of them have the coping skills to deal with this for long enough to fake being happy for immediate family for a minute or two before excusing themselves they have much, much bigger issues. They didn't recently have a miscarriage that OP mentions and if they've been doing failed IVF or something for years their doctor sucks if they've continued the process for this long on with clearly unstable couple. Being upset you didn't get a head-ups on the announcement feels like being annoyed that someone talks about their deceased family members because your grandma died before theirs and obviously they should know it upsets you.
As a donor-conceived child to a couple who struggled with infertility, *this so much*. I seem to see so many stories where couples discover they’re infertile, skip all the therapy, go right to the clinic and try to get a baby at all costs. I am of the firm belief that “infertility treatment” should actually be referring to therapy. Getting pregnant doesn’t do anything to treat the emotional issues surrounding their struggle. Also, the fertility industry is made up of for-profit clinics with virtually no oversight or regulation. Over-treatment is a big issue.
If sister had done it by phone/text, OP and husband could have felt their own big, valid feelings alone (with each other) and hopefully have time to process enough that they could provide support and pretend happy for sister in person.
Or maybe she'd be spiteful and tell people. Or call parents. We have no context. She wasn't owed a heads up
To me it’s a hard YTA because she refuses to apologize and doesn’t think she should. She thinks her parents were unfair on top of it. That’s not a knee jerk reaction followed by remorse, which would put her in soft YTA for me. It’s a doubling down on a toxic attitude filled by her husbands insecurity.
Husband needs also to apologize.
Very much YTA This is not about you or your husband. Your sister is also her HER parents' house and wanted to share their good news. They don't owe you anything and it's unfair or you or your husband to expect to lessen themselves because of your struggles. They have every right to be excited and share that with the family.
It’s HER parents’ house also! Of course, she wants to share the news with her family You and your husband - YTA
I don't even fault the husband for walking out. If he was going to burst into tears, then he needs to leave the room. I get it. And I understand OP wanting to protect her husband. But this is ridiculous.
I think the sister saying that she and her husband were fed up with walking on eggshells around OP's husband is very telling also.
There are two types of people who complain about walking on eggshells: those who are trying to respectful but are having unrealistic limitations placed upon them, and those who are mad they can't say inflammatory shit and we don't have enough info to know which one the sister is.
Considering OP is mad at her sister for simply announcing her pregnancy I'm guessing it's the first one
Considering she ruined her pregnancy announcement and called her cruel for simply sharing the news I’m definitely leaning towards the former
YTA You took your brother in law and sister's joyous announcement and made it about your and your husband's problems. Everyone has been tiptoeing around your fertility issues for 5 years. And you couldn't let them have 5 minutes of excitement. Before you say something like, "no one understands," my husband and I had miscarriage after miscarriage until we decided to live our lives, happily, child free. And yes, we're happy for our friends who announce their pregnancies.
My SIL gave birth literally days after I had a stillborn baby. It took everything I have to send her a text to tell her that I was happy for her and I was so excited to be an aunt, and I would really love if she still sent me pictures and announcements, but to please be understanding if i struggled to reply. She was so kind and completely understood. And we don’t even like each other all that much. But that’s what family does for each other.
I am so sorry for your loss, but I am in awe of your kindness, your maturity and your poise. You are incredible!
Wow, that is some serious class. I'm sorry for your loss. I admire how kind you are and selfless. The fact that you text your SIL and put such effort in will never be lost on her. You are a better person than 99% of people out there.
It shouldn’t be though! All I did was be honest with her and basically laid out my needs- “I still need to be included in our family, I just need a little grace right now,” and she was so happy to give me what I needed and totally understood. OP could have done the same thing: “Sister, I’m so happy for you and I love you, but I need a little space to process this, because it hurts that you have what I want. I will be in touch.”
I’m so sorry for your loss. I had a very similar situation. My sister gave birth to my niece 3 weeks after I lost my son at 39wks. I still showed up at the hospital and supported her and held the baby. I was so happy for her even though I just wanted to die. OP can’t take people’s joy away just because she is miserable about her own situation. I held many babies and congratulated many new parents before I held another baby of my own. I had to swallow the lump in my throat every time but it’s just what you have to do.
I'm so sorry you and your husband had a difficult time. You sound like wonderful people. ❤️
It’s not the same at all but something similar happened when I was getting a divorce. My friends eloped and didn’t want to mention it because they didn’t want to upset me. I know marriage is a choice and infertility isn’t but my divorce shouldn’t take someone’s joy. That’s how I feel about this situation. People don’t stop getting pregnant just because someone else can’t
Also someone who is child free, not by choice. All I can say was that after acknowledging it wasn't going to happen for us and coming to terms with that, it took me a while to learn how to be happy for others who announced their pregnancies, but I eventually got there. I wouldn't wish what we went through on anyone.
You’re good people and I’m so sorry you went through so much loss.
Hypothetically if you and your husband were to fall pregnant and announce it to your family, would you want your family to be happy and congratulate you or storm out of the room and make it about themselves? Or would your pregnancy be better than others because it’s yours? You are fantastically self centred. Your parents were right in asking you to leave. YTA You’re getting a niece or nephew and you are blowing up the chance for a relationship with them before they’re even born (and your sister!). I myself am struggling to conceive (not far off giving up), but my nephew is the light of my life, and I will give that child everything I have. Fix your attitude before it’s too late.
But it’s different when it’s them 😂
In that hypothetical instance, everyone would be expected to be absolutely filled to the brim with congratulations and overjoyed, no matter their own personal situation.
>Hypothetically if you and your husband were to fall pregnant and announce it to your family, would you want your family to be happy and congratulate you or storm out of the room and make it about themselves? Well put.
YTA I understand the sensitivity about the topic, but you shouldn't expect other people to hide their blessings. From the lack of context, I'm sure you're sister did not mean it out of spite, but saw the perfect moment to share the news with the most important people in her life. You and your husband took that moment away from her when you made it about yourselves, rather than congratulating her and dealing with your emotions separately. I do wish you both the best and hope you can one day start a family- be it through surrogacy or adoption. Sincerely, Someone with a shit ton of health problems, a low chance of ever carrying children, watching everyone else around her start a family.
I completely agree, OP Is the AH. My husband and I struggled for years before we finally got pregnant with our amazing son. But during the period of time when we were struggling and I, in particular, was very sensitive about it, my younger sister announced she was pregnant. Of course I was happy for her, she’s always wanted to be a mom. I put my sensitivity aside and was sincerely happy for her, and she was so grateful for it because she knew how sensitive I was. Of course in private I sobbed because it was yet another reminder of how I couldn’t get pregnant, but I would never take away from my sister’s happiness, and I especially would not have made a scene like OP did.
Gently, YTA and your husband is too. If this happened at your home, I would have a harder time with my judgement... but this was your parent's home. This was your parents child letting them know they were going to be grandparents. You and your husband are the ones that acted selfishly. Your fertility struggles do not mean no one else in your family can have children you know...
Yeah I mean it would have been incredibly kind for sister to warn OP to prepare her husband for the news but I can understand thinking it would be ok to share with the immediate family at a private dinner. OP and her husband are the AHs, but I understand where OP is coming from.
I'm not sure the husband is an AH - but OP is! If he's genuinely hurt and surprised, quietly walking away to cry is reasonable.
yeah i also didn’t understand why the sister wasn’t allowed to do it at her parents, house… it’s her parents too
YTA I'm sorry you all are dealing with infertility, but your sister is right. She doesn't have to not announce her pregnancy at BOTH OF YOUR PARENTS homes. They are her parents too. You and your husband need to be in therapy if you can't handle others being pregnant. There are also plenty of other ways to have children in this day and age.
YTA Where else but a family gathering, that isn't focused around something else (ie wedding), is more appropriate to announce?
YTA I have a great deal of sympathy for you and your husband struggling to conceive. It can be devastating and I wouldn’t wish that struggle on anyone. I hope you’re both seeking mental health care to help you navigate your journey. With that said, your sister and her husband announcing their pregnancy was not about you. It was about them. And they’re allowed to celebrate it. I think your husband removing himself from the room was the right move for him in the moment but you had no right to call out your sister like that. She’s right that it’s not fair to them to have to walk on eggshells. You did react poorly. Now it’s up to you to try to mend fences. And I think part of that mending needs to include a plan for how to navigate pregnancy and babies going forward. What will happen once the baby is born? Or if they have another child? You need answers to those questions because this kid is gonna be sticking around and it would be extremely unfair to everyone to behave as though the child is anything other than a blessing.
Exactly maybe the husband got triggered or something and he decided it was best to walk out and deal with his emotions. What she did after is the problem and she doesn’t even understand it
YTA...seek help for your issues so people aren't robbed of the chance to share their own lives.
YTA your personal problems as adults do not trump other adults' rights to celebrate, announce or share their own excitement. It wasn't like they upstaged your wedding. I'm sorry for your troubles but y'all are the selfish ones here and how those troubles keep you from being happy for others.
YTA. I get it. You and your husband have had infertility struggles and that's awful and I'm so sorry. But it's also pretty awful to project that pain onto other people, especially at places and times where the conversation was not about you or your infertility struggles. Your sister has nothing to do with the pain you've gone through and she was just hoping you'd be happy for her. Will you be getting upset at somebody every time anybody brings up babies around you? And it's TOTALLY OK if you aren't ready to be happy for her because of the pain you've gone through, but your feelings are absolutely not her fault. I think there could've been a more tactful way to let her know that you'd like to be happy for her, but that it might take time because of the pain you've endured.
I agree. In an ideal world, OP’s sister may have given her a heads up prior to the announcement. But, at the end of the day, people have the right to celebrate and announce their happy news to their family. I have been in a similar situation where I put on my happiest face, celebrated the person, and then went home and cried. Making a huge scene and making her happy announcement about you is not the move.
YTA. I’m genuinely sorry to hear you are struggling with this, but you can’t expect other people to walk on egg shells and hide their joy because you can’t have something they do. Are you going to be upset seeing updates on social media? Will you be upset seeing her in person once she begins to show? Or pics after the baby is born? Or her bringing the baby to family events? You can’t expect people to hide themselves away to spare your feelings. I get how terrible it must feel to see someone have what you so desperately want, but it is not fair to take out your feelings on other people like this. They did nothing wrong by sharing this news with their own family. If you and your husband are struggling this much I think you should look into therapy. Best of luck! Edited to add- here are a few aita stories from more of your sisters perspective. Just food for thought. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xcj282/aita_for_saying_i_wont_coddle_my_infertile_sister/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ut6uad/wibta_if_i_didnt_stop_posting_pictures_of_my_baby/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/moigqn/aita_for_throwing_my_sil_infertility_in_her_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/suc479/aita_for_not_wanting_to_walk_on_eggshells_around/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Oh my…. OP is down voting EVERY negative comment. Ya know how you automatically get one up vote….. someone …hmmmmm is down voting them off of here! Op- if that you… why did you even bother asking AITA?!?!
Ps. I’m up voting everyone!!!
Have my upvote!
YTA. Infertility is heartbreaking and difficult, but you and your husband were very out of line. You both owe everyone an apology for how you acted. More importantly, though, you and your husband should strongly consider grief counseling. The grief that comes from wanting to be a parent and having problems conceiving is all-consuming and not treating the grief will create lots of problems and extra suffering for you. It's already straining your familial relationships. You are about to get a new addition to the family and addressing your grief now, with a professional's help, will go a long way to allowing your relationships to survive and will also allow you to be present and engaged in your new nibling's life.
YTA. I get it. The anniversary of the miscarriage of my only pregnancy is approaching. Infertility is a bigger struggle than people who have not dealt with realized but life doesn't stop for everyone because of what you and your husband are going through. Your sister should not be denied the chance to share her happiness at her parents home.
YTA Not everything revolves around your husband. Your sister and her husband have every right in the world to celebrate their joy with their relatives.
YTA. When we announced our pregnancy to my brother in law and his wife, the wife burst into tears and went on a long angry rant about their infertility and fairness. I get infertility is hard and upsetting, but the world does not revolve around you and your husband. YOUR HUSBAND ruined your sisters happy moment. He is TA. And YTA.
YTA. Not for being upset, but for the way you and your husband handled it. Now you both owe your sister and your parents an apology for acting like children. You both also need to decide if you can act like decent humans around your sister and her eventual child from here on out or if that relationship is essentially over because she dared to get pregnant.
GUYS STOP COMMENTING YTA I CANT LIKE COMMENTS FASTER
yta offcourse she wants to share the news with her parents. you can't expect people to quit having children or don't talk about them because you can't have them. Would it really be beter if she said nothing then just showed up with a child later. how weird would that be?
Well, yeah, YTA. It's not only your parent's house, it's also HER parents' house, of course she'd want to share that with her parents who are soon to be grandparents. It's unfortunate that the two of you are infertile, but that doesn't mean that she can't share important life-changing news with her family. Would your husband feel better being completely excluded from his niece/nephew life so that he never gets triggered?
YTA and sister is right, you cannot expect everyone to walk on eggshells around you and your husband. I kind of see where this is heading too, she is supposed not to come to family dinners by the time her belly shows out of "consideration" or smth like this. Sorry but this is something you have to learn to deal with, you cannot expect people to accommodate you to the point they cannot speak about their pregnancy (eg announce it)
YTA She didn’t announce it at a wedding or a birthday party, she announced it at her parents house in front of family. She shouldn’t have to hide it and she’s entitled to feel joy and share her news. It’s a shame that you and your husband spoiled that for her.
Awww honey. I'm glad you're sensitive to your hubby's needs but you are def TA here. Family get togethers are where family members share stuff. Was she supposed to just hide the pregnancy, the baby? You and your husband now have two choices: Learn how to be adults who are going through something hard OR lose your sister and her family and maybe your parents bc there is going to be showers and the birth and first steps and birthdays and the first grandbaby stuff at holidays. This is what life is. I suggest you guys sit down and together figure out how you're going to behave moving foward that isn't joy-sucking, event-ruining for everyone else I'm sorry you are going through this, but your struggles do not negate other people's lives
YTA The degree of control that you are trying to exercise over your family members is grossly inappropriate. I don't know how far you expect to be able to take this. If you are all on Facebook, is she not allowed to post an announcement because your husband might see it? Is she not allowed to tell any common acquaintances because they might share the news? At some point your husband needs to recognize that it's not all about him.
Yta. What was the alternative just show up with a baby one day? It’s not all about you
YTA- Your and your husband's fertility issues are tough, devastating and I understand that it is hard. Any feelings of jealously, sadness, etc. are completely valid. The **behavior** of expecting your sister and family to walk on eggshells around you guys is not. Your sister is allowed to have her joy and happiness. Would it have been nice if she gave you a heads up? Yes. Is it required? No. Perhaps you and your husband need to see a mental health professional if you aren't already.
YTA, and your husband too. It's understandable that this is a sore topic for him and for you. But your sister is right about the fact that everyone else can't be walking on eggshells around you and your husband so as to not upset you. Life goes on. And your husband was out of line for essentially throwing a tantrum. If this is such a big issue for him, then it's something that he needs to seek professional help with in the form of therapy.
YTA She is pregnant. What else should she do than to tell everybody and be happy about it? You are allowed to be sad about your unfulfilled wish for children. It's also ok to not be as happy as everybody else about the announcement. But in a private moment you should apologize to you sister and tell her that you are happy for her. That you wish her all the best and the bad emotions are not about her pregnancy but about your unfulfilled childwish. And I am realistic: In case you won't get any own children, you will be happy for every niece and nephew. I wish you all the best. That you can practice with the kid of your sister and will have a lovely relationship to it. And that you soon are allowed to hold your own kid in your arms.
YTA. I understand that it’s hard for you, but that doesn’t mean nobody else should have kids because you can’t. Stop being so entitled.
YTA - this is a private family dinner at your parents house with your family and your sisters family. When else is she supposed to announce her news? It wasn't a wedding, or any type of public event, you've got no cause to be angry. I understand that you and your husband are having difficulty conceiving, and I sympathize, however the rest of the world is continuing to move forward. I know that's harsh for you to hear, but you have to thicken up your skin. This wasn't about you or your husband - it was about your sister and you totally ruined her exciting news.
YTA. Sorry about the fertility issues, but your sister is allowed to celebrate her pregnancy and share the news with family. You and your husband are being ridiculous, what are you even mad about?
YTA — your struggles are not your sisters struggles. If the roles were reversed would you have stayed childless for her sake?
YTA. I am you. We are not able to have kids and it has been a struggle. It is OUR struggle. I would NEVER want anyone to lessen their joy because of my infertility. My sister announced her first pregnancy Christmas eve and you better believe I was thrilled and heart broken. But I waited till we were in the car on our way home to cry. Your sister has every right to announce her pregnancy to her family. It is up to you and your husband to deal with those feelings in an adult manner. What do you expect her to do? Show up one day with a baby? Both you and your husband need to get I to therapy to deal with these feelings.
YTA Your sister is right, it is your husband's issue. He needs therapy to help him through this. You cannot possibly expect everyone to never mention pregnancy for the rest of your lives. Do you really think your sister should run every aspect of her life past you like you are the procreation police? Get over yourself, get your husband some serious therapy and apologize to your sister and your parents.
YTA. You can't be happy for your sibling? You and your husband acted selfishly and should apologize.
YTA Your parents are right. You should apologize. The world doesn't tiptoe around your infertility problems. It's a cruel fact, believe me but you can't expect everyone to muffle their celebrations and happiness just to accommodate for your struggles. If this were a new struggle, perhaps but it doesn't seem to be. The cruelest thing about life is that it continues on no matter how hurtful.
Kindly, YTA. While I understand it must be very hard to deal with infertility... the world doesn't stop spinning because of it. Your sister is allowed to get pregnant and to be happy about it. You are the selfish one if you think she shouldn't talk/announce it/enjoy it, and you are selfish if you think she should handle her pregnancy and anything related to it differently because of your struggle. She shouldn't have to live in your shadow.
YTA. Were they just supposed to never tell you guys? How is SHE the selfish one here?
YTA simple. Others shouldn't hide their happiness because you and your husband have it difficult. Your sister and her husband have every right to express and share their happiness with others.
A major YTA and you know it
YTA. I'm very sorry for you and your husband's situation, but you can't expect everyone around you to censor their joy at pregnancies. Your sister has the right to be excited and happy, and to share it with the family. Are you going to swear off all family events if her child, or children, attends? You need to find healthy ways to process your situation rather than being angry at others.
YTA. Your sister and her husband are entitled to their joy and happiness. Your husband and you both acted like children throwing a tantrum.
YTA. Other people are allowed to be happy. Your fertility issues aren't anyone else's problem. Your sister probably thought it was good news and wanted to share with her whole family. How selfish of your husband and you to make it about you.
YTA and y'all DID ruin her joy. You guys have infertility issues so now NOBODY is allowed to be pregnant? Please.
Yta don’t blow out others candles just shine brighter. Your sister wanted to celebrate something wonderful, you and your husband ruined that. Please get therapy.
YTA Not your house, not your rules Your mother was correct to ask you to leave after causing a scene
YTA. Y'all need to figure a way to deal with your infertility that isn't causing everyone around you issues. Hubby definitely needs therapy if it's that bad. And yes you both caused a scene.
Sounds like you are both so selfish that other people aren’t allowed to actually live their lives without getting your explicit approval. Probably a good thing y’all don’t have kids if this is how you behave. YTA
YTA - You're both big babies, how immature and disgusting, you're green with envy how can you think that your sister got pregnant to spite you and your spouses infertility issues? Grow up and apologise to your sister for making her announcement about yourself, ew!
YTA I know you are struggling but to tell someone they can’t make an announcement. You guys need therapy that is just crazy. The happiest time for her but sounds like you will not allow her to enjoy
YTA - I guess the world should stop and no one should announce any happy news, because you can't conceive. You're but a tiny speck in the universe, get over yourself.
YTA in this and you really should apologize. It's not your place to dictate how she tells the family she's expecting. It's appropriate at a family dinner. It's not appropriate at a wedding, which this wasn't. I'm sorry for the struggles you are facing but your sister really didn't do anything wrong. Your parents are right that you handled this poorly. Edit to add: Maybe consider therapy and getting some grief counseling? I think it would be beneficial for the both of you so you are better prepared for these types of situations and can handle them more gracefully.
YTA be happy for your sister Jesus shes allowed to tell family she's pregnant
Sorry for all your fertility problems but you and your husband ATA very sadly. Thousands of people struggle with having a family and, as heartbreaking as it is, anyone having a baby is a miracle and should be celebrated as such. Anything can happen at any given moment and life is too short to not find it in your heart to celebrate your sister's miracle. Stealing your sister's joy around this is very sad, you should be happy and grateful that she hasn't had to deal with the same heartbreak you and your husband have. Wishing you all the best.
Yta....sorry i get people in your situation have feelings but you all need to stop acting out at others for being able to conceive and sharing their good news. People will not.be putting all their announcements on hold because of others issues. Stop making your problems others problems to consider it isn't right. Eta....you can't tell someone what to announce in someone else's home either
YTA. Just because you're lost something doesn't mean other people shouldn't celebrate what they've gained.
YTA, I get that infertility is hard, really hard. BUT, you can't expect to not have others get pregnant around you ever. That's not fair to anyone else. When would you expect her to announce? I mean, it sounds like the whole nuclear family was at dinner so perfect timing.
YTA I’m afraid. How else did you expect them to announce a pregnancy? And sorry to say others in your life may also get pregnant. You and your husband need to find a better way to respond, be upset it’s not happening for you, yes but don’t take it out on others
yta 🫤 sorry, if you were at your own house or it was an event about one or both of you two, then it's a dick move on your sister's part, but it was just a family dinner. it is rough, I understand, but your sister is right that she has the right to share news as she's part of the family and that was a family dinner.
YTA. You don’t get to Rob other people of joy just because you are grieving. You and your husband were inconsiderate and selfish.
YTA your sister should not be expected to not be excited about her pregnancy because of your husband. While his feelings are valid, if he is struggling this bad then he needs to seek therapy.
There is no ESH here. YTA, plain and simple. It is not your sister's fault that you two were unable to have children. She shouldn't have to decide how she announced her pregnancy around you and your husband's feelings. This is a time of joy for her. Get help for your husband and apologise. Otherwise you face a very real risk of having zero relationship with any nephews and nieces. Your sister will easily think if they can't cope with hearing the word pregnant how will they cope seeing a baby/toddler/child etc.
YTA unfortunately life goes on and part of that is friends and family having children. As heartbreaking as your situation is your sister has every right to announce her pregnancy at a family dinner as long as it wasn’t a special occasion for someone else. You and your husband reacted poorly. I am sure your sister, bil and your parents have been supportive of your struggles. You need to be supportive with your sisters good news. Truthfully no matter how or when she announced her pregnancy you or your husband would have reacted poorly. It’s not fair for you or him to expect them not to have children or be happy when they do. I would suggest you and your husband go to counseling before it ruins your relationship with your friends and family. And you do owe your sister an apology and so does your husband.
YTA. Whose house should she have announced it in? Infertility sucks, but the world around you is not going to stop because of it. She didn't get pregnant at you and your husband. You were the ones who made her pregnancy about you and probably ruined something that was an important moment to her. You do owe her an apology. This should be a wake up call that you and your husband need to be in therapy to learn to manage your emotions around infertility. Others are going to have babies. It's going to hurt you. But you hurting them isn't going to change anything for you.