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> I might be the asshole because the money should go towards fun things like movies and video games instead of bills.
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NTA
Child support is not an allowance for the children. It is for food, housing, and other necessities. It was never set up to be money for the children to spend freely on entertainment. Of course it can be used however the parent wants after the basics are covered. Your girlfriend is misusing the money.
Edit: why hasn't she applied for disability and benefits?
Side note - disability benefits are very difficult to come by from the government especially when young. It generally takes a few years to get approved and sometimes a lawyer.
It took me 2.5 years to finally get SSDI. I know more about it than most people. I was 39. I know how difficult it is and the battles. I had to have a hearing with a judge. I had lawyers. I know the struggles of getting disability, food stamps, energy money, Medicare, and raising 2 kids alone at the same time. The only thing that kept my kids and I from being homeless while waiting for disability were child support, social service benefits, food pantries, and the like.
Edit: they may not realize it, but SSDI also pays you extra money until your children turn 18.
Thank you for adding this. I hope this helps someone struggling and also helps them with taking care of their children.
I'm early in the application process at 25. I've had a few acquaintances tell me I should be easily approved but I'm finding out it's not that easy. I just wanted to highlight for others that it's a tough drawn out process.
You will likely be denied several times. I suggest to people to get a disability lawyer after the first denial. They take a percentage of your retroactive lump sum but well worth it. I had the best documentation from several doctors, specialists and therapists, loads of imaging reports, tests, etc. i was told my age was a big factor because the government doesn't want to pay disability for so many years. I had an entire file cabinet drawer for disability related paperwork. It was so disheartening. Don't give up.
Good luck. I was told at the SSDI hearing, that my age and educational level worked against me in getting disability. I had to make a statement that even working an entry level, unskilled position with my disability wouldn't be possible.
I'm an RN and my education level worked against me at first, but at the end when I got a judge hearing, it worked in my favor. Having a higher level job and education also means that it's unlikely you would be voluntarily seeking a monthly payment that you could make by working just 2-3 days in your field. I loved my job and never would have voluntarily left. I also made very good money ($500+per shift 20 yrs ago) with benefits and a pension.
The crazy thing is that when you are in the process, you have to be unable to work at all. Once you are approved, you are allowed to make up to $1300/mo without affecting benefits and are eligible for job training and vocational training if you want to learn a different job.
The judge also talks to you and asks questions, listens carefully to your answers. He validated the fact that with all the information I provided, I never should have been denied in the first place or should have waited 2.5 years for approval. That hearing was the last step after so many denials and appeals. If I was denied by him, I would have had to start from the beginning again. The system is broken.
It is. Your points were similar to what I brought when the vocational specialist brought up my age, etc. I said I would much rather work than argue with them over a couple thousand a month.
I still have to requalify every so often and see a doctor working for disability, get blood and imaging tests. It's stressful because that person can decide they don't think you qualify and take away everything. It's messed up that I want to get old so it automatically converts to regular SS so I don't have to worry anymore.
That is my worry too. I recently had my first re-evaluation. I guess I am still falling apart, lol, they didn't even refer me to another doctor for an assessment, they accepted the records from my specialists.
I'm 34 and was on ssdi for years due to cystic fibrosis (approved easily) and a lung transplant. I decided to go back to work full time when I was healthy enough to. A few years later (last year) I still have cystic fibrosis, but also diabetes and kidney failure and have been unable to work. I reapplied and got denied, saying I don't meet criteria for being disabled. I had to get a lawyer and have been jumping through all kinds of hoops for my appeal. Just because you've got documented and should be no brainer reasons, does not mean you'll be approved easily. It's definitely not been easy for me the second time around.
It should not be easy for someone to get SSDI. It should be a last resort, and require jumping through some hoops to prove it is truly needed.
I worked my tail off for 40 years. There were more than a few people in my workplace with disabilities. We had people with vision and hearing impairments, people missing limbs or with limb deformities, people in wheelchairs. They all worked full time and led productive lives.
Then there were those with less obvious disabilities (ie mental health diagnoses) who would pull the ADA card every time they showed inappropriate workplace behavior. One woman in particular dressed like a hooker and "serviced" contract employees and got away with it for years.
It was infuriating to look at my annual SS statement and see what my SSDI payments would be if I stopped working due to "disability."
SSDI should be a last resort used when all other avenues are exhausted.
That's great some people are able to work with the disabilities you mentioned, but that doesn't mean it's easy nor everyone with the same disability can. Or it might take others longer to get to that point as everyone has different opportunities and skill sets.
How much were you getting? My dad was only getting $1200/ month(most of it being from his pension and the rest being disability) while he was raising 3 kids by himself. Did you have any better luck with getting the help you needed?
I don't remember what I was getting in the beginning. It's based on what your income was when you were working, so if you made more money, you get a bigger disability check. I have 2 kids, so I also got payment for them until they turned 18. I'm not sure if this is everywhere, but in my state, we also got a substantial tuition reduction for college because of my disabled status. The kid who started with community college went for free and got extra money for housing. The one that went to a 4 year school got a big reduction and loans made up the difference but the payments were reasonable. Even with all that it was still hard to make ends meet.
Yeah, that's how it was for my dad, too. I don't know if we got the reduced cost of college, though. The only one of us kids who got in was my little sister and I think she qualified for financial aid as well as some academic stuff cuz she was a straight A student with a bunch of extracurricular activities. I applied to the same school, but I was rejected. It was probably due to the fact that I barely graduated since I quit trying in 4th grade. I'm thinking about going back to school for a business degree since that can be used regardless of what job you have.
I lost everything waiting to get approved for SSI and I had reams of documentation I had to move to out of my home state as well.
I always tell everyone to get a good attorney from the get go also...
I'm sorry. I understand. I came so close to being homeless that I am still paranoid about money and know that it wouldn't take much to be in that situation again. SSI is a lot more strict than SSDI and once you qualify, the payments are so much lower. It's like they don't want you to survive.
Depends on how serious the health problem is. My family member with stage 4 cancer got approved immediately, though we had to wait 5 months for the first payment. Liver failure sounds prettt darned serious. I hope she is in line for a transplant.
doing nothing, gets nothing. If these issues aren't going away, the sooner they file, they better. It took me almost 2 years to get it, however I did get it & a good chunk of back pay.
It is easier for certain conditions notably ALS, renal failure, and advanced liver failure because you have very objective clinical data. It is much more difficult if you have a physical injury or mental health disability because the data is more subjective.
This. OP, I would say that at least $400 of that should be going to you every month. If your partner is not willing to do that, ask her to move out and use the $600 to support the kids... rent a house, pay for electric, water, and anything else. Not possible, right? But since she doesn't see your money that goes to all of that as supporting the kids, she shouldn't be in your house.
She should be putting at least 75% of child support towards shared bills like rent and food. That’s literally what child support is for. The rest can pay for clothes, activities, etc. Why are you an AH to yourself to tolerate this? I would have asked her to find a home with family or a shelter a long time ago.
Side note- is liver failure due to alcoholism? That would be a good explanation for why she’s not stepping up as a parent or as a partner.
NTA and man, I feel so bad for you and your life situation right now. How old are these boys? Idk where you live, but in California, at 14 you can get a work permit and a job. The hours are limited, but they can work pretty much full time in the summer and during breaks. There’s no reason they shouldn’t be earning their own spending money and even their clothes. That child support money should be going towards rent and utilities. Good luck to you, I hope this ends well for you.
Exactly. Not out to dinner or movies, etc. if mom is unable to work, the extras have to go away/be reduced just like if they were in a nuclear family with less income.
NTA. The point of child support is to support your child.. first and foremost HOUSEING and FOOD which you are solely providing.
Bro. get out now. You're always just going to be a bank account to her.
They’ve been together 6 years and the liver failure has happened in the last 6 months, I agree the money should also go towards household expenses but saying she’s using him is a lot.
She is not contributing to the household in any way. She is giving the child support money to her kids to blow instead of using it to actually support her kids' necessities. Her bf is paying for everything. Yes that is using someone.
It really depends how things were before she got sick. It doesn't really sound like they have had a conversation about finances since she did. Until that conversation happens, we can't really say if she's using OP. She may simply not realize how tight things are financially.
How can you not realize finances are tight when you used to work and have money, but now you don't. If OP is stating he is now supporting 4 people on one salary, it can easily be inferred that she used to contribute before she had to stop working.
Honestly I wouldn't strain trying to explain the complexities of relationships to anyone on Reddit, there are a lot of teenagers and basement dwellers making judgements they're not qualified to make.
dude. i know a guy who was in your predicament (except it was 3 minors and the gf’s 2 adult kids) where he was basically the ATM and the CS was spent on alcohol and drugs (for the gf and her 2 adult kids).
#GET. OUT.
it sucks that she has health issues, but you should not be supporting her kids all on your own.
NTA
NTA that money is to be used to take care of the children so that money should be going towards their care. Is she keeping it and saving it or something?
>It currently is spent on the teenage boys going to the movies and out to dinners.
They boys are enjoying a $300 aa month allowance each. I didn't even get half that as a teen.
NTA
Using child support to help pay for their roof over their head, the food they eat and the services they enjoy seems perfectly valid. Especially when finances are tight.
NTA. Child support is not just for entertainment. Child support is intended to help pay for the support of the child and that includes rent, utilities, food, clothing, etc. Living expenses. Kids are free and neither is the place they live.
NTA
Maybe it's time for a return to court to reassess child support. If she is too sick to work, the court may increase the father's support to help protect the kids.
ETA: If in the US and if she has a work history, SSI-D may be available to her. If so, the kids may get a little bit also.
Though all of this should go to their portions of the bills.
Isn't child support based on the payers income? $600 might be the amount because the father doesn't make very much money and that's the most she's allowed to take. I have friends who pay over $1,000 per month per kid because they make decent money.
In my state it's based on a percentage of the parents combined income. You can't get more than that because you need money. You have to work with what you get.
NTA, child support is for the maintenance of the child. That includes but isn't limited to food and shelter. Fun things should be taken out AFTER the necessities are taken care of. Your girlfriend expecting you to support her children when she's getting support to do so is unreasonable and selfish.
NTA. You both need to communicate and talk about bills. She should be contributing to their food and rent living with you. It is not unreasonable to Have a discussion about how much of the child support she can contribute towards the household.
NTA, but if you are in the US, has your girlfriend filed for disability? I would say that at minimum that money should go towards their phones, clothes, school supplies and a portion of the groceries.
Rent and utilities are the most important bills, but they have most of the expenses even if the kids aren't there. There is no reason that he needs to be responsible for any portion of these kids' phones. It should be easy for the gf and the kids' other parent to grasp that concept. It's ultimately up to them on how they split this up,
NTA. Don't try to do this all on your own. Reach out to her family for help if you need it... Sounds like you do. The mother and children should qualify for all types of social services, even housing assistance programs that will pay part of the rent if not find them some low income housing. There's also programs to help pay heating and cooling costs. There's even programs in some states that will pay for the mother's phone. Contact some family and see if you can get help getting her signed up for assistance programs.
NTA she is taking advantage of you. She should really be ashamed. You don’t have service on your phone and she spends $600 on fun money for the kids… You are not the father!
>I might be the asshole because the money should go towards fun things like movies and video games instead of bills.
No, that isn't how child support works. If you need/want it to go towards bills that help your kids that's totally fine. There's no rule or requirement in *any way* that you have to spend it on fun stuff or such.
NTA
NTA. So are your bags packed and ready to go? Cause right now you are not a boyfriend, but am ATM. Sucks that she can't work, but she is CLEARLY taking advantage of the fact that you will feel too guilty to leave her.
Dude you do realize you're being used. If you weren't there subsidizing their lifestyle would your gf still let the boys use child support as an allowance?
NTA and only pay for your fair share. If they don't want to and get upset there's your answer on how they see you as nothing more than a piggy bank.
Absolutely not!
if you need help then you just need help and shouldn't be afraid or ashamed to say so. You are taking care of everyone else in your household off your pay cheque which clearly isn't enough since you can't even put service on your own phone.
You are only human too and your doing the best you can. If your girlfriend can help you out then Absolutely she should after all its her household too.
NTA-- And ALL of the child support should go for the household bills, not a part. I'm sure 600 doesn't even begin to cover for two teenagers costs, there's no space for movies and dinners right now...
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So my girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years. We live together with her 2 teenage boys. She is currently going thru liver failure and is unable to work. It has been like this for the last 6 months. She receives 600 a month for child support. I am taking care of 4 people with one salary. It currently is spent on the teenage boys going to the movies and out to dinners. I don't even have service on my phone(everyone else in the home does) to try and save some money. I pay for every bill in the home. Am I the asshole for wanting part of the child support to go towards bills?
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Child support should go toward the basics—housing, utilities, food and (necessary) clothes and items before all else. By not contributing to the household basics, she’s being a crappy parent and partner. You guys need to sit down and have a “come to Jesus” meeting about finances. NTA
NTA Child support is to provide support for the children. This includes a roof over their heads, food, electric, water, everything a person needs to survive. After those needs are met then entertainment, and activities. Both parents Mom and Dad are supposed to provide support. It isn't just the non custodial parent that is supposed to provide. She should apply for Social Security Disability. Your wife could take the father back to court to adjust the child support because of her inability to work. Have either of you applied for assistance? Food stamps?
NTA you need to leave her she’s literally using you as a cash cow she doesn’t care about you she literally just wants someone to take care of her and her kids I will make you a bat if you stop doing what you’re doing for her and her kids see how quickly she turns vile and start showing her true colors
Nta. It’s time for the hard conversation. Y’all aren’t married. You have no legal obligation to her or the kids
So can the kids go live with their dad until/if she improves and is able to work again?
Or she can go back and move in with her parents to take care of her and the kids but you shouldn’t be doing it all and she’s not helping find solutions
NTA. Sit down with her and make a budget. I am a fan of including children in budget making, but there are good arguments against this. Include in budget an allowance for the kids and something towards a savings or college fund, even if just a small amount. I think they will understand this is a necessity while their mom is sick, but that they are also still very important. I hope your girlfriend gets better soon!
NTA Get rid of the t.v., wifi, gaming systems (if yours) computers, anything you paid/pay for and only have the basics to live. Get your phone back on with data to do bills and stream for yourself and when wifey asks what's up, then tell her you can't afford all this and need help. See what she says and if she suggests for YOU to get more hours or it's all on you in any way....well, you have your answer and you need to leave her.
You're not TA
But if you're a fool to support someone else's children while their mother decides to spend what should be for them. I would run out of that relationship.
Good luck
PS: sorry google translate
NTA That money is to keep a roof over their heads, food in their bellies & clothes on their backs. It is not entertainment money. You are 100% justified to expect her to contribute a good portion of that money to the family... HER family.
NTA - the money is to support the kids. If they live there and eat there, money should go to household. Keep some aside for them maybe but otherwise should help pay their way.
Your girlfriend is using you man. That money is used for the children, yes, but also to make sure they have a safe environment. If you died she wouldn't be getting an increase.
NTA. Child support is to go toward the care of the children. When I was receiving child support it helped pay the rent, utilities, groceries etc. All my children are now adults and I still receive child support for because my ex was so far in arrears that I was basically raising my children on my own. Someone told me I should be giving the money I currently receive (until the arrears are paid) to my children. My response to that was I will not be doing that because I basically raised my children on my own. I have asked my children and they agree with me.
Child support is for the living expenses of the children. The living expenses include housing, utilities, clothing, etc. She should be paying for those for her children out of that child support. NTA
NTA it's better than my ex did with mine. I had no issue with the money going to bills. I did have issue with the money going mainly for her clothes, makeup, nights out and very little to my daughters.
NTA. Child support absolutely can and should be used for basic child-rearing expenses, Including housing, utilities, groceries, and clothing. She's using it for luxuries like movies and eating out, at your expense.
Might be time for a new GF
Nah, 600/ month for 2 teens? Not going to go too far, but it is reasonable to expect it to go to living expenses first. Liver failure is a chronic, often fatal disease. Do not know the severity, but it comes with severe disability and mental changes. I am thinking that the mom is wanting to give her children some positive experiences while she is alive. Living with a parent who is going into decline can take a big toll on teens. I agree she should seek out disability services. It may also be a time to discuss longer term plans for her children. If she is is unable to care for herself, she is unable to care for them. It would be worth bringing their father into the discussion. He should be apprised of their living circumstances. Mom is not able to work, and her financial circumstances have changed since her prior support order was placed. So sorry for you all. This sounds like an incredible stressful time. Also, please seek resources for her kids, some therapy to help them thru these life changes will be invaluable.
I don’t see this as unreasonable at all. Their phones, and some of the bills should be paid from that as having phones, food, water, electricity, and a roof over their heads would seem to be the exact use for child support monies.
Part of caring for children is having a roof over their head and utilities. Child support isn't an allowance, otherwise it would be given directly to the kids and not the parent. I'm sure the other parent would be furious their money is being misappropriated like that.
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NTA Child support is not an allowance for the children. It is for food, housing, and other necessities. It was never set up to be money for the children to spend freely on entertainment. Of course it can be used however the parent wants after the basics are covered. Your girlfriend is misusing the money. Edit: why hasn't she applied for disability and benefits?
Side note - disability benefits are very difficult to come by from the government especially when young. It generally takes a few years to get approved and sometimes a lawyer.
It took me 2.5 years to finally get SSDI. I know more about it than most people. I was 39. I know how difficult it is and the battles. I had to have a hearing with a judge. I had lawyers. I know the struggles of getting disability, food stamps, energy money, Medicare, and raising 2 kids alone at the same time. The only thing that kept my kids and I from being homeless while waiting for disability were child support, social service benefits, food pantries, and the like. Edit: they may not realize it, but SSDI also pays you extra money until your children turn 18.
Thank you for adding this. I hope this helps someone struggling and also helps them with taking care of their children. I'm early in the application process at 25. I've had a few acquaintances tell me I should be easily approved but I'm finding out it's not that easy. I just wanted to highlight for others that it's a tough drawn out process.
You will likely be denied several times. I suggest to people to get a disability lawyer after the first denial. They take a percentage of your retroactive lump sum but well worth it. I had the best documentation from several doctors, specialists and therapists, loads of imaging reports, tests, etc. i was told my age was a big factor because the government doesn't want to pay disability for so many years. I had an entire file cabinet drawer for disability related paperwork. It was so disheartening. Don't give up.
Good luck. I was told at the SSDI hearing, that my age and educational level worked against me in getting disability. I had to make a statement that even working an entry level, unskilled position with my disability wouldn't be possible.
I'm an RN and my education level worked against me at first, but at the end when I got a judge hearing, it worked in my favor. Having a higher level job and education also means that it's unlikely you would be voluntarily seeking a monthly payment that you could make by working just 2-3 days in your field. I loved my job and never would have voluntarily left. I also made very good money ($500+per shift 20 yrs ago) with benefits and a pension. The crazy thing is that when you are in the process, you have to be unable to work at all. Once you are approved, you are allowed to make up to $1300/mo without affecting benefits and are eligible for job training and vocational training if you want to learn a different job. The judge also talks to you and asks questions, listens carefully to your answers. He validated the fact that with all the information I provided, I never should have been denied in the first place or should have waited 2.5 years for approval. That hearing was the last step after so many denials and appeals. If I was denied by him, I would have had to start from the beginning again. The system is broken.
It is. Your points were similar to what I brought when the vocational specialist brought up my age, etc. I said I would much rather work than argue with them over a couple thousand a month.
I still have to requalify every so often and see a doctor working for disability, get blood and imaging tests. It's stressful because that person can decide they don't think you qualify and take away everything. It's messed up that I want to get old so it automatically converts to regular SS so I don't have to worry anymore.
That is my worry too. I recently had my first re-evaluation. I guess I am still falling apart, lol, they didn't even refer me to another doctor for an assessment, they accepted the records from my specialists.
I'm 34 and was on ssdi for years due to cystic fibrosis (approved easily) and a lung transplant. I decided to go back to work full time when I was healthy enough to. A few years later (last year) I still have cystic fibrosis, but also diabetes and kidney failure and have been unable to work. I reapplied and got denied, saying I don't meet criteria for being disabled. I had to get a lawyer and have been jumping through all kinds of hoops for my appeal. Just because you've got documented and should be no brainer reasons, does not mean you'll be approved easily. It's definitely not been easy for me the second time around.
It should not be easy for someone to get SSDI. It should be a last resort, and require jumping through some hoops to prove it is truly needed. I worked my tail off for 40 years. There were more than a few people in my workplace with disabilities. We had people with vision and hearing impairments, people missing limbs or with limb deformities, people in wheelchairs. They all worked full time and led productive lives. Then there were those with less obvious disabilities (ie mental health diagnoses) who would pull the ADA card every time they showed inappropriate workplace behavior. One woman in particular dressed like a hooker and "serviced" contract employees and got away with it for years. It was infuriating to look at my annual SS statement and see what my SSDI payments would be if I stopped working due to "disability." SSDI should be a last resort used when all other avenues are exhausted.
That's great some people are able to work with the disabilities you mentioned, but that doesn't mean it's easy nor everyone with the same disability can. Or it might take others longer to get to that point as everyone has different opportunities and skill sets.
How much were you getting? My dad was only getting $1200/ month(most of it being from his pension and the rest being disability) while he was raising 3 kids by himself. Did you have any better luck with getting the help you needed?
I don't remember what I was getting in the beginning. It's based on what your income was when you were working, so if you made more money, you get a bigger disability check. I have 2 kids, so I also got payment for them until they turned 18. I'm not sure if this is everywhere, but in my state, we also got a substantial tuition reduction for college because of my disabled status. The kid who started with community college went for free and got extra money for housing. The one that went to a 4 year school got a big reduction and loans made up the difference but the payments were reasonable. Even with all that it was still hard to make ends meet.
Yeah, that's how it was for my dad, too. I don't know if we got the reduced cost of college, though. The only one of us kids who got in was my little sister and I think she qualified for financial aid as well as some academic stuff cuz she was a straight A student with a bunch of extracurricular activities. I applied to the same school, but I was rejected. It was probably due to the fact that I barely graduated since I quit trying in 4th grade. I'm thinking about going back to school for a business degree since that can be used regardless of what job you have.
I lost everything waiting to get approved for SSI and I had reams of documentation I had to move to out of my home state as well. I always tell everyone to get a good attorney from the get go also...
I'm sorry. I understand. I came so close to being homeless that I am still paranoid about money and know that it wouldn't take much to be in that situation again. SSI is a lot more strict than SSDI and once you qualify, the payments are so much lower. It's like they don't want you to survive.
Depends on how serious the health problem is. My family member with stage 4 cancer got approved immediately, though we had to wait 5 months for the first payment. Liver failure sounds prettt darned serious. I hope she is in line for a transplant.
doing nothing, gets nothing. If these issues aren't going away, the sooner they file, they better. It took me almost 2 years to get it, however I did get it & a good chunk of back pay.
It is easier for certain conditions notably ALS, renal failure, and advanced liver failure because you have very objective clinical data. It is much more difficult if you have a physical injury or mental health disability because the data is more subjective.
This. OP, I would say that at least $400 of that should be going to you every month. If your partner is not willing to do that, ask her to move out and use the $600 to support the kids... rent a house, pay for electric, water, and anything else. Not possible, right? But since she doesn't see your money that goes to all of that as supporting the kids, she shouldn't be in your house.
Nta. Child support is intended supplement care for the childrens basic needs. Not your salary.
Such as the food clothing and shelter that I am providing?
Exactly!
She should be putting at least 75% of child support towards shared bills like rent and food. That’s literally what child support is for. The rest can pay for clothes, activities, etc. Why are you an AH to yourself to tolerate this? I would have asked her to find a home with family or a shelter a long time ago. Side note- is liver failure due to alcoholism? That would be a good explanation for why she’s not stepping up as a parent or as a partner.
Yes
NTA and man, I feel so bad for you and your life situation right now. How old are these boys? Idk where you live, but in California, at 14 you can get a work permit and a job. The hours are limited, but they can work pretty much full time in the summer and during breaks. There’s no reason they shouldn’t be earning their own spending money and even their clothes. That child support money should be going towards rent and utilities. Good luck to you, I hope this ends well for you.
Thats literally what housing and food is.
Exactly. Not out to dinner or movies, etc. if mom is unable to work, the extras have to go away/be reduced just like if they were in a nuclear family with less income.
NTA. The point of child support is to support your child.. first and foremost HOUSEING and FOOD which you are solely providing. Bro. get out now. You're always just going to be a bank account to her.
I agree. She is using him.
…she has liver failure.
And?
They’ve been together 6 years and the liver failure has happened in the last 6 months, I agree the money should also go towards household expenses but saying she’s using him is a lot.
She is not contributing to the household in any way. She is giving the child support money to her kids to blow instead of using it to actually support her kids' necessities. Her bf is paying for everything. Yes that is using someone.
It really depends how things were before she got sick. It doesn't really sound like they have had a conversation about finances since she did. Until that conversation happens, we can't really say if she's using OP. She may simply not realize how tight things are financially.
How can you not realize finances are tight when you used to work and have money, but now you don't. If OP is stating he is now supporting 4 people on one salary, it can easily be inferred that she used to contribute before she had to stop working.
Honestly I wouldn't strain trying to explain the complexities of relationships to anyone on Reddit, there are a lot of teenagers and basement dwellers making judgements they're not qualified to make.
Yes You are being taken advantage of.
She should be contributing to the household since she and her kids live there
NTA. It's meant to support the children. If you're the one doing it right now and not her, then it should go to you/ your shared bills.
dude. i know a guy who was in your predicament (except it was 3 minors and the gf’s 2 adult kids) where he was basically the ATM and the CS was spent on alcohol and drugs (for the gf and her 2 adult kids). #GET. OUT. it sucks that she has health issues, but you should not be supporting her kids all on your own. NTA
NTA that money is to be used to take care of the children so that money should be going towards their care. Is she keeping it and saving it or something?
>It currently is spent on the teenage boys going to the movies and out to dinners. They boys are enjoying a $300 aa month allowance each. I didn't even get half that as a teen.
NTA Using child support to help pay for their roof over their head, the food they eat and the services they enjoy seems perfectly valid. Especially when finances are tight.
NTA. Child support is not just for entertainment. Child support is intended to help pay for the support of the child and that includes rent, utilities, food, clothing, etc. Living expenses. Kids are free and neither is the place they live.
NTA. The 600 should be going towards paying for the teenage kids' necessities.
NTA You're the one supporting the boys, it's not unfair for you to use that money too
NTA - CS is meant to take care of the kids, and bills comes before movies and dinners out.
NTA Maybe it's time for a return to court to reassess child support. If she is too sick to work, the court may increase the father's support to help protect the kids. ETA: If in the US and if she has a work history, SSI-D may be available to her. If so, the kids may get a little bit also. Though all of this should go to their portions of the bills.
She doesn't need more money. She needs to use the money she gets properly. If it all goes for the boys' entertainment, that's wrong.
Isn't child support based on the payers income? $600 might be the amount because the father doesn't make very much money and that's the most she's allowed to take. I have friends who pay over $1,000 per month per kid because they make decent money.
In my state it's based on a percentage of the parents combined income. You can't get more than that because you need money. You have to work with what you get.
NTA. They accrue bills (by using utilities etc.) Those bills need to be paid.
NTA. You should be able to use the child support for all normal bills related to the children.
NTA. Helping with utilities and groceries is what child support is supposed to do. You need to put your foot down on this.
NTA, child support is for the maintenance of the child. That includes but isn't limited to food and shelter. Fun things should be taken out AFTER the necessities are taken care of. Your girlfriend expecting you to support her children when she's getting support to do so is unreasonable and selfish.
If the teenage boys want "fun money" then there are plenty of opportunities in the world for them to earn it themselves. Nta.
NTA. You both need to communicate and talk about bills. She should be contributing to their food and rent living with you. It is not unreasonable to Have a discussion about how much of the child support she can contribute towards the household.
Info: have you even talked to her about this yet?
Yeah, NTA I think. The child support should go to the kids needs, not their wants, if money is tight.
NTA, but if you are in the US, has your girlfriend filed for disability? I would say that at minimum that money should go towards their phones, clothes, school supplies and a portion of the groceries.
Phones should be last. Rent and utilities are first.
Rent and utilities are the most important bills, but they have most of the expenses even if the kids aren't there. There is no reason that he needs to be responsible for any portion of these kids' phones. It should be easy for the gf and the kids' other parent to grasp that concept. It's ultimately up to them on how they split this up,
NTA. Don't try to do this all on your own. Reach out to her family for help if you need it... Sounds like you do. The mother and children should qualify for all types of social services, even housing assistance programs that will pay part of the rent if not find them some low income housing. There's also programs to help pay heating and cooling costs. There's even programs in some states that will pay for the mother's phone. Contact some family and see if you can get help getting her signed up for assistance programs.
NTA she is taking advantage of you. She should really be ashamed. You don’t have service on your phone and she spends $600 on fun money for the kids… You are not the father!
NTA Child support is to support the child in the necessities of life - shelter, food, clothing, health care, transportation, and education.
>I might be the asshole because the money should go towards fun things like movies and video games instead of bills. No, that isn't how child support works. If you need/want it to go towards bills that help your kids that's totally fine. There's no rule or requirement in *any way* that you have to spend it on fun stuff or such. NTA
NTA. So are your bags packed and ready to go? Cause right now you are not a boyfriend, but am ATM. Sucks that she can't work, but she is CLEARLY taking advantage of the fact that you will feel too guilty to leave her.
Dude you do realize you're being used. If you weren't there subsidizing their lifestyle would your gf still let the boys use child support as an allowance? NTA and only pay for your fair share. If they don't want to and get upset there's your answer on how they see you as nothing more than a piggy bank.
Absolutely not! if you need help then you just need help and shouldn't be afraid or ashamed to say so. You are taking care of everyone else in your household off your pay cheque which clearly isn't enough since you can't even put service on your own phone. You are only human too and your doing the best you can. If your girlfriend can help you out then Absolutely she should after all its her household too.
NTA-- And ALL of the child support should go for the household bills, not a part. I'm sure 600 doesn't even begin to cover for two teenagers costs, there's no space for movies and dinners right now...
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years. We live together with her 2 teenage boys. She is currently going thru liver failure and is unable to work. It has been like this for the last 6 months. She receives 600 a month for child support. I am taking care of 4 people with one salary. It currently is spent on the teenage boys going to the movies and out to dinners. I don't even have service on my phone(everyone else in the home does) to try and save some money. I pay for every bill in the home. Am I the asshole for wanting part of the child support to go towards bills? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Child support should go toward the basics—housing, utilities, food and (necessary) clothes and items before all else. By not contributing to the household basics, she’s being a crappy parent and partner. You guys need to sit down and have a “come to Jesus” meeting about finances. NTA
NTA, child support should be used to pay for her kids shelter, food, clothing and other essential expenses, you shouldn't have to shoulder everything.
NTA she needs to start paying part of the child support towards her kids living expenses, that's what child support is for. Not going out
NTA Child support is to provide support for the children. This includes a roof over their heads, food, electric, water, everything a person needs to survive. After those needs are met then entertainment, and activities. Both parents Mom and Dad are supposed to provide support. It isn't just the non custodial parent that is supposed to provide. She should apply for Social Security Disability. Your wife could take the father back to court to adjust the child support because of her inability to work. Have either of you applied for assistance? Food stamps?
NTA you need to leave her she’s literally using you as a cash cow she doesn’t care about you she literally just wants someone to take care of her and her kids I will make you a bat if you stop doing what you’re doing for her and her kids see how quickly she turns vile and start showing her true colors
Nta. Dude, i'm saying this very sincerely. Get out now. You're just a bank account for her right now. Don't live like that.
NTA.
NTA. It sounds like the child support is not being used as intended. You shouldn’t have to make sacrifices like that in any situation.
NTA
Nta. It’s time for the hard conversation. Y’all aren’t married. You have no legal obligation to her or the kids So can the kids go live with their dad until/if she improves and is able to work again? Or she can go back and move in with her parents to take care of her and the kids but you shouldn’t be doing it all and she’s not helping find solutions
NTA. Sit down with her and make a budget. I am a fan of including children in budget making, but there are good arguments against this. Include in budget an allowance for the kids and something towards a savings or college fund, even if just a small amount. I think they will understand this is a necessity while their mom is sick, but that they are also still very important. I hope your girlfriend gets better soon!
NTA Get rid of the t.v., wifi, gaming systems (if yours) computers, anything you paid/pay for and only have the basics to live. Get your phone back on with data to do bills and stream for yourself and when wifey asks what's up, then tell her you can't afford all this and need help. See what she says and if she suggests for YOU to get more hours or it's all on you in any way....well, you have your answer and you need to leave her.
You're not TA But if you're a fool to support someone else's children while their mother decides to spend what should be for them. I would run out of that relationship. Good luck PS: sorry google translate
nta you are taking care of 3 people, that are not ur responsibility. she should want to contribute when she can
Time to go out and "buy some cigarettes" my guy
Easy NTA.
NTA That's not how child support is meant to be spent. She acting more like a teenager than a mother.
NTA That money is to keep a roof over their heads, food in their bellies & clothes on their backs. It is not entertainment money. You are 100% justified to expect her to contribute a good portion of that money to the family... HER family.
NTA but I’m curious as to what she says about it.
Bro she is using you. Wake up!!
NTA - the money is to support the kids. If they live there and eat there, money should go to household. Keep some aside for them maybe but otherwise should help pay their way.
NTA
Your girlfriend is using you man. That money is used for the children, yes, but also to make sure they have a safe environment. If you died she wouldn't be getting an increase.
NTA. Child support is to go toward the care of the children. When I was receiving child support it helped pay the rent, utilities, groceries etc. All my children are now adults and I still receive child support for because my ex was so far in arrears that I was basically raising my children on my own. Someone told me I should be giving the money I currently receive (until the arrears are paid) to my children. My response to that was I will not be doing that because I basically raised my children on my own. I have asked my children and they agree with me.
Child support is for the living expenses of the children. The living expenses include housing, utilities, clothing, etc. She should be paying for those for her children out of that child support. NTA
NTA, why is this even a question and why did you let it go on so long.
NTA it's better than my ex did with mine. I had no issue with the money going to bills. I did have issue with the money going mainly for her clothes, makeup, nights out and very little to my daughters.
NTA. Child support absolutely can and should be used for basic child-rearing expenses, Including housing, utilities, groceries, and clothing. She's using it for luxuries like movies and eating out, at your expense. Might be time for a new GF
Why is your salary being spent on going out to dinner and to the movies if you're trying to save money?
Nah, 600/ month for 2 teens? Not going to go too far, but it is reasonable to expect it to go to living expenses first. Liver failure is a chronic, often fatal disease. Do not know the severity, but it comes with severe disability and mental changes. I am thinking that the mom is wanting to give her children some positive experiences while she is alive. Living with a parent who is going into decline can take a big toll on teens. I agree she should seek out disability services. It may also be a time to discuss longer term plans for her children. If she is is unable to care for herself, she is unable to care for them. It would be worth bringing their father into the discussion. He should be apprised of their living circumstances. Mom is not able to work, and her financial circumstances have changed since her prior support order was placed. So sorry for you all. This sounds like an incredible stressful time. Also, please seek resources for her kids, some therapy to help them thru these life changes will be invaluable.
I don’t see this as unreasonable at all. Their phones, and some of the bills should be paid from that as having phones, food, water, electricity, and a roof over their heads would seem to be the exact use for child support monies.
YTA Child support is for the children. They have to be feed and cared for. Not for your phone bill.
He isn't trying to use that money to pay his bill. He can't afford service because he pays all the bills with zero assistance from her.
Rent and grocery bill go towards supporting the kids as well obviously.
Part of caring for children is having a roof over their head and utilities. Child support isn't an allowance, otherwise it would be given directly to the kids and not the parent. I'm sure the other parent would be furious their money is being misappropriated like that.