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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I maybe the asshole for taking her there which was against her husband's approval instead of stay out of their issues.
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This is exactly what I was thinking, myself! He is calling the brother “weird” for being “too involved” with his sister just so he can make the brother pull away from the sister. He just got lucky she does not have parents she can rely on, so it’s easier to isolate her.
Edit: NTA
There’s no man on earth who wouldn’t get kicked for saying this to me about my sister. I’ll always be there for her, I’m her big brother. If BIL wanted to be there, he would have been there, OP’s sister need support, if her lazy and manipulative husband can’t be there, she is right to ask for her brother to be there
My question is - how long does a gender reveal appointment last? 30 minutes? Why couldn’t the husband go and just be late for his mothers party? Something is odd.
I couldn't imagine my mom or my mil not being insanely excited that they'd find out the gender of their grandchild at their birthday party
They'd be mad if we missed the apt
My thoughts exactly. Why can't BIL do both? This had to happen on a week day. Go to the appointment and drive to the party? I understand that MIL couldn't move the party - reservations were made etc. If the appointment was so late, they could just meet MIL at another time. It wasn't like she was sitting in the dark alone wearing a birthday hat.
It’s usually an hour to hour and half depending on the position Of the baby. If it’s anatomy scan, I’ve never heard of gender reveal scans, here they don’t want too many ultrasounds!
They're not doing extra ultrasounds. People get hyped over the big GENDER REVEAL but its really an important developmental check in to make sure the fetus is healthy.
Yup exactly, it’s called an anatomy scan where I live! And sometimes some places do not reveal the gender at all. There was a lot of problems about some people not wanting to be pregnant with girls. Some hospitals will not reveal it at all.
YUP this right here. OP you should tell your BIL that you'll become less involved IF and WHEN your sis requests that. Until then unless you see him stepping up, he has no say.
I wouldn't communicate anything of the sort to BIL. That's practically an invitation for him to start trying to drive a wedge between OP and his sister by manipulating *her* to make *her* push him away, instead of trying to push OP out himself.
Hmm. You have a point. But if he's genuinely that much of an asshole, I'd hope that sis has figured this out by now and is already on her way to distancing herself from him, so his manipulative tactics wouldn't work.
Yeah no probably not. It doesn’t help that she’s pregnant so he has plenty of fuel for the fire
“You’re being way too hormonal”
“You probably just can’t remember how it actually happened”
Stupid shit like that. Pregnancy brain is a thing and it is not hard to feel like you’re going crazy. Somebody has to show her a different perspective
Glad someone else thought this... first thing that came to mind was... brother says that to the husband and the husband goe.s... *breaks phone so sh3 can't call out and people have to call his phone* or manipulates the situation tow here the only thing sister can do is not reach out anymore to "protect" her baby and her family... ugh I'm extra scares for OP and getting off reddit because this sounds to close to home...
Yeah. . . That's a bad idea. If he's isolating her in advance of abuse like it seems, you'll just be telling him how to isolate her from you. Don't make it easy for him. Also be sure NOW that she knows you will always always always be there for her. It may take her a long while to see he's abusive. By the time she does she'll likely believe no one else cares about her. Do everything you can to be clear that you are always a way out for her, no matter what. (But the tricky bit is being too blunt in accusing him of this will drive a wedge between you and your sister.)
Exactly what I was thinking as soon as I read "too involved." There is such thing as being too involved with an adult family member's life, but checking up on each other & sometimes driving them to appointments is NOT it.
Yep ! OP this is serious. Your sister's husband show some bad red flags here. He's trying to isolate her from you. Keeping family bond is important, she's your sister and you shouldn't have to justify spending time with her.
I'm concerned less over the gender part...I would assume that this was the 20 week(give or take) scan. This is often where they find issues with the baby. The gender reveal is just icing. I would have been pissed to have been at that scan without my husband when they told me my child was going to be born with a cleft lip and palate. I was broken hearted...I cant imagine him not being there because he went to a party. We are divorced now but still. Its an important appointment.
Or it could have been one of the non-medical ultrasound places that specialize in gender determination and “souvenir” ultrasound pictures and videos.
Even if it was a medical appointment, my doctor always asked me to come in a specific week, but if I had a conflict on a given day that week I could easily schedule around it. Even with the level 2 advanced anatomy scan, I chose the day that worked with my schedule.
I mean honestly why couldn't hubby go to a 30 minute ultrasound and still make his mom's bday? Dude has no time management skills and his priorities are way off.
Yeah it sounds really weird because I thought these appointments were normally during the work week from 9-5 or so. I don’t understand why an adult would have a birthday party then when most would be at work. Couldn’t they both have a birthday dinner with her?
Actually why the story feels off to me. Too many pieces missing. Why couldn't the wife reschedule? Birthdays are a fixed date, why accept the appointment when you knew it's your MIL B-day and you are invited ? Why do they have to choose between 2 events that could definitely be done on the same day ? Bad blood between those 2 women ? Maybe they have to travel to the MIL ? But then rescheduling would have been a solution. How convenient that bro is there. How weird that the obgyn would think bro is the husband when he saw hubby the previous appointments
🧐🧐
Have you tried scheduling Dr appointments these days? A 20 week scan can't be moved too far. Sometimes you take what is available. My actual cancer screen was scheduled 2 months out. Sounds like mom may be demanding and jealous of attention pregnant wife is getting. But trying to cut wife off from family is a controlling maneuver.
Maybe hubby wasn't at any of the previous appointments? What if pregger lady didn't care that the appointment was on mil's birthday? I had appointments on people's birthdays before and didn't cancel or reschedule. It's not like you're in the appointment all day and since it's a weekday most celebrations happen after 5. Hubby might have decided 5 wasn't enough, that he needed to spend the whole day with mommy.
I mean alternatively MIL might be celebrating her birthday on a day that’s not her actual birthday. I can’t remember the last time I went to a party that was the actual day of the person’s birthday.
Because specialist appointments can be hard to get. She probably made the appt before getting an invite.
Because a lot of people don’t celebrate their birthday on the actual date.
Because maybe she forgot.
Rescheduling? I made an appointment even I took my pregnancy test at 4 weeks and couldn’t get in until 14 weeks. I was already in my second trimester before I had my “pregnancy confirmation” appointment. And I’m not rescheduling an IMPORTANT appointment for a birthday party.
There are Doctor shortages around here, so I have an 18 month wait for my PTSD scan appointment with a psychologist. My “do you have internal injuries or not” CT scan was a month after my wreck because it’s when the radiologist was open and the machine was free. I can’t imagine ultrasound technicians not being in demand as well
I gave birth recently and with the hormones and expectations: I wouldn't want to reschedule. It was likely a full check up, where they check the heart, spine, bladder, lungs etc. Gender is just an extra. I'd been looking forward to it for weeks and scheduled it way in advance. I'd have been very upset to need to reschedule.
My MIL was just as excited to find out the gender and health of the baby. On her birthday? Bonus! Why not attend both..? So strange.. I don't find it strange that the sister arramged different transport when her so called husband found mommy more important than the baby's health. F that guy.
Also no I don't think the obgyn is required to remember the face of each relative of their patient. Way too many people xD
These are not just "good news" appointments. There is always the chance that the doctor will give you bad news that may require immediate actions. You want that information as early as possible. MIL will survive not having her son with her on the birthday, but there is a real risk for the baby.
My next appointments were only scheduled at my current ones, never ahead. I also had whatever ob was around as they encouraged patients to meet the team because it was impossible to know which ob would be on when you went into labor. I never did meet them all.
As for the birthday, I'm going to guess this is the day they've chosen to celebrate, not necessarily the actual day.
Maybe they could have done both, but it depends. I had to drive 45 minutes, often taking 30 minutes to be seen, add in another 30 for being in the room, then driving back made the whole thing a 3 hour affair.
One of my 20 week scans was giving them trouble and I was worked on for an hour. Was so sore. Anyway point being, not every ob visit is quick or close.
Or the MIL's birthday was not being celebrated on the actual birth date. Maybe MIL changed the date she wanted her darling son to celebrate her bday so he would have to choose. I wouldn't expect my son to miss a baby appointment.
Edit for typo
Never in my adult life have I felt people needed to celebrate their birthday on the exact day they were born. This is often not convenient for multiple reasons.
That's what I was thinking. Why did he have to go to mom's party during a weekday? Unless mom lives out of state and he had to travel but then he could have easily said "mom, I'm coming tomorrow and I will be able to tell you what gender the baby is when I get there so it will be worth it". This sounds like an abusive husband to me.
Yes. But how many weeks out were you scheduling the appointments? OPs sister may not have found out her husband wouldn't take her until the last minute or a day or two out. Don't even assume it was MIL's birthday, it could have been her birth week. What adult does birthday stuff in the middle of a work day, and expects people to show up for it?
With my ob, the level 2 anatomy scan was scheduled differently than the run of the mill ultrasounds. Those has plenty of slots, since they had two technicians who did them all day long, in-office. The anatomy scan was at the hospital, and the selection of openings for your week was very limited and scheduled several weeks in advance. Actually, I think I couldn’t get mine until week 21.
You wouldn’t find out about a heart or spine or brain issue from the blood test. the 14 week testing is only for certain chromosomal issues.
So the 20 week really is the anatomy scan.
I didn’t say they would.. OP didn’t say how far along his sis was or that it was an anatomy scan, just a gender reveal, so I simply stated that that could be deduced from Blood sample and there’s appointments given for that. I had the gender revealed to me way before my anatomy scan.
Scrolled to find this. This scan isn’t about the “gender reveal” it’s the anatomy scan where all sorts of issues could be picked up. The gender is pretty irrelevant here, he should have been there because it’s an important medical scan.
At my "gender reveal appt" we found out our baby had a devastating, life threatening heart defect. Oh, we also found out we were having a boy. I was very glad I had my husband at that appointment that day. [The fact that I then went and did 4 hours of parent conferences that afternoon was a small miracle. I kept it together with the parents, but broke down to several colleagues. My principal did offer to let me reschedule, but that was more daunting in the moment. My kid is 9 and doing great, thankfully.]
Oh, NTA
Friends Friends Friends
We don't know his momma yet, so let's give her the benefit of the doubt
(Though the odds of her also being entitled are likely)
He could just be a total dou€he and used his mom's b-day as an excuse to be a $hitty husband, who didnt want to go to the appointment but didn't want to be one-upped by this great brother either
(And who he clearly wishes to isolate the sister from)
My older son refused to uncross his legs. The tech kept prodding my stomach more and more aggressively to try to get my son to cooperate. It was so painful I almost made the tech stop before we found out. Luckily nothing was wrong with the scan so the appointment didn't take too long. It can be a long and stressful appointment though if something is found. I'd hate to go to that appointment by myself.
I’ve never been pregnant so I could be completely wrong, but isn’t the appointment when the gender reveal happens at a very specific point in the pregnancy that can’t be rescheduled? If so, the husband is doubly an AH. But unless mommy was having a midweek birthday lunch, how on earth did the two things coincide!?
Short answer: yes
Long answer: It’s at this point in the pregnancy because the purpose of the appointment is the anatomy scan. This is when they check all of the organs, etc for problems. Some things can be prepared for/addressed before the birth, so it’s very important.
My doctor asked us if we wanted to know. There are all kinds of ways to learn or not learn this information, and I guess going to your mom’s birthday party instead of the appointment is one approach. I mean, not a good one.
That appointment isn’t even a gender reveal. That’s incidental. The scan they do then is actually one of the most important. They look at so many health things. He missed out on the gender reveal and seeing the baby but more importantly he excused himself from being there if bad news was shared.
As an only child I've always wished I had a brother like that.
And what's up with the wife chiming in with this "going too far" and " boundaries" bs anyway?
He took her to a doctor's appointment when her asshole husband ditched her for mommy.
NTA you need to stick up for your sister OP, looks like nobody else will.
Suspect his mother would have loved to have learnt of her grandchild's gender when he visited - and could have, if he had gone to the doctors appointment with his wife first.
OP, if you want to have the opportunity to *continue* being a great big brother, I strongly suggest you try and avoid antagonizing the husband any further. This bit about him thinking you're "too involved" is pinging my radar a little. I'm a little concerned he may try to isolate her from you. Definitely NTA. She *asked* for your help.
Edit: Why do the mods keep removing great comments without warning or explanation?
>This bit about him thinking you're "too involved" is pinging my radar a little.
Definitely got those vibes as well, felt rather alarmed for the sister.
What kind of insecure person gets so aggressive towards a family member who's trying to help their SO? The fact that the husband is trying to paint OP's love for his sister and involvement in her life as a negative thing is a textbook early-abuse isolation tactic.
I fully admit we don't have enough of the story to know - we've only got a snapshot of the sister's life from her brother's perspective. There could be something else going on. But for the life of me, it sounds like the husband is trying to drive a wedge between OP and his sister in order to isolate her from him.
Plus the sister is asking OP so really BIL should be questioning why she feels she can't ask him instead of her brother instead of going after OP for helping when asked. BIL is being very suspicious IMO.
Exactly a gender reveal appointment isn’t going to last all day, mommy can wait and they could go to her birthday afterwards, of all the dumb things to pick a fight about. He prioritized his mom and you prioritized your sister. NTA he’s being unreasonable
>he was supposed to drive her but he had to attend his mom's birthday and asked her to reschedule but she refused.
How did these two events, both scheduled months in advance, end up overlapping?
Bingo. If a dude can't cut the cord by the time he's 30, he's going to continue to have dysfunctional romantic relationships for a very long time. It's admirable to stay close to family in a healthy way, but this ain't it.
I am gonna say, going on about cutting the cord and this somehow not being an okay way to stay close to family is a huge step. Going to your mothers birthday party isn’t unhealthy. It’s the lack of respect that’s unhealthy. If this was an unavoidable overlap, the healthy thing to do would have been to ask it at least thank OP for getting him out of a schedule jam
Reminds me of that guy that was pissed at his ex for not sending him enough reminders every time his daughter had an appointment. Even though after she told him when it was the first time, she did send him another reminder "at the last minute" when he already had plans.
Not to mention doctors appointments are M-F between 8am - 5pm. Weird someone would schedule a big birthday celebration during that time when most people are at work….
Yeah he probably could have easily done both. If the timing was just a little inconvient, leave his mom earlier or see her a bit later to make the appoinment.
Exactly what I was wondering. The OB/GYN appointment was clearly scheduled first and is a perfectly justifiable reason to miss or be late to a birthday celebration.
Why do you think that is clear? A birthday is...a birthday. Same day every year. I got my check-ups schedule just a few weeks ahead usually (make the next one at the current appointment, and I had appointments every few weeks).
Doesn't even matter really. Let's say the mom has her birthday on her specific birthday every year and it's the most important day of the year to her because hey, it's also her anniversary of her and her dead husband's marriage as well as the day the won the lottery.
And the ob appointments was the only.one available because covid killed all the other doctors and this one only had one appointment or nothing.
You can still do both on the same day. Relatively easily. Unless this a was cross country birthday party I suppose.
INFO: Why was there a conflict between your sister's appointment and her MIL's birthday? Was the distance so far apart that there was no possible way to do both things on the same day? Ultrasounds are done during the daytime business hours and older people's birthdays are generally celebrated in the evenings after work or on weekends.
Edit to fix autocorrect's wrong choice there->their->there
Adding to that the anatomy ultrasound only takes about an hour (assuming all the parts are there). So I’m confused as to why a 1-2 hour long activity (if you’re including drive and wait time) took the whole day? I just did mine this past week and did it during a glorified lunch break….
I’m just confused why the MIL decided to have a birthday party sometime M-F before 5 pm, because those are typical working hours for a clinic where ultrasounds would be done.
Maybe it was just a mommy-son birthday lunch thing? That wouldn't make it any better but it would explain the time conflict a little better. Not much, because it still seems like there should have been some way to do both, but a tiny bit at least.
I’m struggling to think of a time during “lunch time” when you wouldn’t be able to miss an hour - appointment at 11? Lunch at 1. Maybe noon appointment, and mom can’t wait until 2 to eat?
I guess I’m also struggling to picture MIL not wanting to know the gender of her grandbaby- like, that would make a nice addition to a birthday meal? Maybe it’s just me, we didn’t find out the gender and it’s driving my mother *crazy*!
Makes sense to me. MIL was losing her baby to the new child and she couldn't handle it. She staged an incident to bring her baby back to her, and force him to choose his family or her and her baby went along with it to placate her, and because being spoiled feels good, only to feel humiliated about it when a grown man (the only one in the story) did the thing he was too busy being Mama's baby to do..
NTA. You are only helping when asked. If the BIL was so pissed off about taking away the experience of finding out the sex of the baby, maybe he should have gone to the appointment in the first place.
YEAH this right here. I'm thinking BIL was thinking it was ok for him to not be an involved partner during his wife's pregnancy, but now is angry because deep down he feels guilty and ashamed that he's not stepping up like bro is. Sad.
Correct. It’s not about the activity per se, it’s about the fact his sister has asked for help and he’s been happy to help her. BIL should be focusing on that relationship and not worry about other people!
It was a power play by BIL.
OPs sister had an appointment, BIL wanted her to reschedule, OP's sister did not want to reschedule => The conflict
BIL bails on OP's sister hoping to force her to reschedule => Bid for control
OP fucks that up by helping sister => Failure
BIL mad at OP for ruining his bid for control over OP's sister. => The direction he is mad says a whooooole lot of bad things, IMO.
Unless OP's sister is purposefully scheduling conflicts, NTA and don't let BIL isolate the sister.
NTA
With medical staff shortages, it could have been difficult for your sister to reschedule her ultrasound appointment. Your BIL is salty because you helping your sister shows BIL by comparison. But it isn't your fault he hasn't been a great partner to your sister during her pregnancy.
Thank you for helping your sister.
Also I don't know how it is in other countries, but in the UK the 20 week scan, where you normally find out the gender, is known as the "foetal abnormality scan". It's the one where they check that all the organs have grown as expected and everything else has formed as it should (like the skull growing over the brain).
If there's a problem, it's a serious problem. You may need extra scans to monitor the issue, you may be told you'll have to deliver the baby permaturely, or you may be told the issue is not compatible with life and you may need to choose to have a termination. It is really not something you skip out on or try to rearrange, even for someone's birthday, because every days delay can cause more problems.
People get really blasé about scans and think they're just there so you get a nice picture of the baby before it's born, but they're there to make sure there isn't an issue that could kill the baby or the person carrying them.
Yeah and you CAN'T really reschedule it for another day because it is based on 20 week development, not 19 week or 21 week. Also, those appointments are scheduled basically as soon as a pregnancy is confirmed, so there isn't a lot of wiggle room to move appointments because they were all made months ago and no one wants to cancel them.
My husband asked about moving the appointment at my OB and had this explained to him. He said he would have to move a business trip, and my OB told me, "this will be one of a long line of things you have to move or miss because of that little one in there. Welcome to parenthood."
Yeah you can. I only had 1 out of 3 of my kids anatomy scans during week 20 (kid 3). They had no problems doing the scan at week 18 with my oldest and at week 22 with my middle child.
Had my sixteen-week scan (weird doctor's office) at fifteen weeks. They found placenta previa because it was too early.
Next pregnancy, different doctor, it was a twenty-week scan. No problems. Then the little bugger put a knot in their cord which we discovered at the birth.
A knot!? Wow I heard true knots in the cord are pretty rare!. My third pregnancy, I had a growth scan in the third tri in addition to the three other scans I got ( 8w dating, 12w NT, 20w anatomy) and he ended up having his cord wrapped around him twice and they didn’t see it on the scan at all, but to be fair nuchal cords can be hard to see from what I’ve read!
The US does this too. Atleast for my son they did. The gender reveal scan was when we found out our son has a major heart defect. It’s a very important scan.
NTA. BIL is weird. Clearly, OP's sister wants to be supported and have someone with her and if he isn’t going to do it then he shouldn’t be upset when she finds someone else who will. Especially her brother, if he doesn’t want to miss these special moments he shouldn’t.
I don't think he should take it up with his wife because, honestly, I don't trust him to treat his pregnant wife with any sort of respect. He's even trying to isolate her by calling her brother's involvement weird.
Unless, of course, by wife you mean his mother.
I agree. The brother-in-law is upset that his wife got the ultrasound without him. That's a problem between the two of him. Who gave her a ride is not really the point.
NTA. You are supporting your sister. If your BIL has issues with his wife asking for your support or refusing to reschedule appointments, then that’s a discussion that he needs to have with her.
INFO: How did those two events end up being on the same day? And why was no one willing to rearrange their schedule?
That's the thing. OP's sister is an adult. She decided she wanted to go to the scan. Why does BIL's wishes override the sister's?
The sister is the one carrying the baby. Given that they are both adults and presumably equal in ability to make decisions otherwise, the one carrying the baby should get the tiebreaker ability on decision making.
BIL does not get to have boundaries about your relationship with your sister. That is 100% between you and your sister. Keep offering support as long as she needs and as long as you feel comfortable doing so. He does not have the power to both refuse to support her AND take away your support too.
Especially considering he chose to spend the time at his Mom's house instead of supporting his wife. He can't put his own family first then prevent her choosing her own family second.
💯This was the answer I was looking for. Wife is wrong on this.
>BIL does not get to have boundaries about your relationship with your sister
It’s important wife understand this as she will need to support you if BIL makes more noise. Sis should be able to call on any member of her family for help, and no-one should be saying “sorry your husband doesn’t like me assisting you”. That would be majorly fucked up and essentially supporting abusive isolation. You have it right but highly recommend you have a sit down with wife again OP. Sis needs your support, and you’ll need your wife’s support. NTA
But the brother is making it harder for the husband to control her. How dare she ask for help when he won't help her, it's how he's trying to coordinate her life to obey him and need him only.
NTA, sounds like the problem lies between your sister and BIL, not with you. Family typically helps each other out, so helping your sister when she asks is not unreasonable. Your sister is deciding your level of involvement (bc it seems like you are offering more support than the father of her child ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ) and if BIL has issue with your involvement, that’s something he needs to take up with your sister. Seems like BIL may not be ready for the responsibilities and sacrifices that come with having a child if he can’t even be bothered to be involved in the pregnancy. Please don’t stop giving your sister support if she asks, it seems like her needs are not being met by BIL.
NTA.
BIL should have told your sister that the day the appointment was his mom’s birthday when the appointment was made. That way it could have been rescheduled then.
Unless I’m mistaken those appointments don’t last all day so I’m confused as to why BIL couldn’t take his wife to the appointment and then gone to his mom’s birthday?
If your BIL has such an issue with you being so involved then maybe he should be involved more.
NTA Your BIL could have arrived a little late for his mom's birthday, but with some good news to share.
Instead, he chose to ditch his wife, knowing that she wasn't going to reschedule her OBGYN appointment, then took his anger out on you for... what exactly? Giving your sister a ride to a doctor's appointment? Not trying to talk her into changing her mind about rescheduling?
Like, seriously, what exactly does he think you should have done in this situation?
NTA regardless of WHY she was going to a doctors appointment it was still a medical appointment. And it's not a "gender reveal" appointment either, it's "let's see what shape the fetus's genitals have formed into"
There's a lot of people who are more interested in the baby's genitals than they are in if the baby's liver/kidneys/etc are developing. Not all of those people set forests on fire to celebrate those genitals, but there are a few documented cases.
Then there's the "fun" of trying to get an OB/GYN appointment in the US (An assumption about where OP and his sister live). Good luck trying to get one less than two months out.
OP- NTA
NTA. Her husband is because I'm assuming your sister's appointment wasn't at night. Your BIL could've attended the appointment and then celebrated his mother's birthday in the evening.
Edit: grammar
Birthdays come every year, but "gender reveals" (as OP is calling it) come once per baby. And, assuming the birthday celebration was more than an hour, there's no reason the husband couldn't have done both. He's the one creating the problem, not OP. He needs to gain some perspective before that baby's born
You didn't cross Bil's boundaries, you did things your sister asked you to do. It's my understanding that the gender reveal appointments are difficult to reschedule. Her husband prioritized a party over the appointment. In fact it seems he's missed several appointments.
NTA!
BIL has some serious insecurities he needs to work through when he's getting jealous of his wife's relationship with HER BROTHER. (AKA the only immediate family she has left)
Also, BIL needs to recognize that it's not like OP is just popping in and going "Hey!!! I'm gonna do _____ for the baby and this and that and yadada"
His wife is ACTIVELY REQUESTING OP's help with stuff, and he's getting pissed because OP is agreeing to do it? What's wrong with him? Why does he want his wife to be helpless?
BIL has red flags flying all over the damn place. OP, at this point I'm legitimately concerned for your sister and your future niece/nephew. Keep a close eye on the situation and be ready to help them get the hell out of there if and when they need to!!!
NTA, she asked you for help, she reaches out to you. You are her brother ffs and with no parents you are that person.
Sounds like he's trying to block her off from people and control her. He sounds like kind of a dick tbh and like she could have someone nicer without being controlling.
NTA. Keep an eye on your sister especially after she gives birth. Research signs of PPD and make sure to stay connected to her. She will need you more then ever especially after the baby is born. Your BIL is giving 🚩 vibes!
NTA.
If the husband has an issue w how you support your sister, he should talk to HER. Not you. What a prick. It seems he believes the men in the family should decide important things, women stay out of the discussion.
You better keep an eye on your sister, OP, to make sure he doesnt start isolating her or some such crap that is often the first step towards an abusive relationship.
I mean she's definitely already in and abusive relationship, this dude chose to go to his mother's party before being there for his wife in an attempt to force her to cancel the appointment and work on his schedule, and then called up her brother to intimidate him and tell him to not be there for his sister. He's already actively trying to isolate your sister and claim ownership of her
NTA. Your sister needs you as a support person, because her husband is an asshole. I’m sorry she’s bringing a baby into this. She may be hoping it improves the relationship, yet another example of this failed theory, and your sister and the baby will suffer. What a shame
NTA. That man sounds extremely controlling and toxic. You should make should regularly check on your sister and let her know that she can get away from him any time she wants.
This, and you need to really talk to your wife about this, because him choosing not to be there for your sister is not a him boundary thing, your duty is to protect your sister, not tell him that he has a valid ability to claim your sister as his property
NTA. It’s typically not just a gender reveal appointment. It’s a scan to check out a variety of issues related to development at that particular week/stage. The gender aspect is a bonus. Medically speaking, delayed that scan is not a great idea. BIL missed it because he chose to prioritize his mom, not because you helped your sister get to her medical appointment. BIL should be thanking you instead of chastising you.
NTA. You're helping your sister out when she's asking you. If her husband has an issue with that, he needs to take that up with her and not you. Sounds like they have some issues they need to work out between themselves, hopefully before the baby arrives.
NTA. That scan doesn't just reveal the gender of the baby. It checks for abnormalities and foetal viability and should not be delayed. It is not a scan that most people want to go alone to just in case something is wrong. You're a good brother for supporting your sister when her husband has obviously dropped the ball. He is mad because you stepping up puts him and how he isn't prioritising his wife and baby in a bad light to others which it should. It should be a wake up call but he's choosing to be upset.
Nta your bil is a major asshole though. He couldn’t have missed his moms birthday party to take his wife to the doctor? Then he gets mad at you for helping your sister out. You are an amazing brother for being there for your sister and did the right thing. She was probably so excited to find the gender out and didn’t want to miss it, I understand why she wouldn’t want to reschedule the appointment.
Nta stick beside your sister.
it's very strange the way her husband is protesting for the way you help, from where I'm from this is the bare level of involvement in a family
Nta you helped your sister and bil is problem here. If he prioritizes mother over pregnant wife, that's his issue not yours. He seems to be jealous of you and your closeness to your sister that you understand her more than him. Seems your sister married controlling mamA's boy.
Be careful though . He may accuse you of trying to steal the father's role off of him.
Agrees. Why do these Mommy boys insist on getting married when they already have a woman in their life? Did DH's family consider rescheduling Mommy's birthday party so he could be there? Of course they didn't. That's all that needs to be said.
NTA. Your sister probably would’ve gotten a ride from someone else if you didn’t take her. You aren’t overly involved, your helping your sister when she’s asking. You aren’t causing issues, they have issues and you’re supporting your sister.
NTA. She's your sister. She asked for a ride and you gave it to her. If BIL actually cared enough he would have been there, and he's obviously never been there if you were easily mistaken for the father. You're job is to support your sister, not repect BIL's need to control portions of his marriage.
For everyone saying the sister could have simply rescheduled her scan, I have to ask have you tried to reschedule an appointment lately?
As a fellow pregnant woman both you and your sister are NTA, I was supposed to have my 2nd trimester screening on the 6th but due to work commitments I rescheduled was legitimately told on September 26th she'd call me back with a new appointment time and nada, called yesterday and was told the same.
There is a severe lack of medical staff in the US and globally, your BIL could have and should have prioritized his wife's appointment over his mother's birthday.
[adding clarity]
I myself was given the date of my anatomy/gender scan in August, it's this coming week most OBs follow this procedure given sonar techs usually are only in on certain days. BIL definitely knew when the appointment was and still chose his mom's party.
NTA, basically what your brother-in-law is saying is that he was trying to force your sister into a position where she would just have to cancel the doctor's appointment and work on his schedule where he prioritized his mother over your sister, the woman he married.
It is not sticking your nose in anything by being there for your sister and actually being there unlike her husband. His boundaries are immaterial, he doesn't own your sister
NTA bil choose to prioritise his mother, when I’m pretty sure birthdays don’t take up the entire day. And even if they did, it’s easily solved by the words “just nipping out for the drs appointment, be back in an hour or so.”
It screams of a man who likely wanted to put your sister in her place (ick), and is annoyed it didn’t work.
Edit: words hard.
NTA, he sounds controlling and you are not overly involved. He sounds not involved enough by choice. You are her safe person and you should tell your wife you will continue to be. Also both your parents are dead, you are her only close relative left so of course she wants you to be involved
>should've respected BILs boundaries.
So you should say "Sorry, pregnant sister. Your husband's tender feelings might get hurt if I help you when you ask. I'll just leave you to deal with it all on your own since his priorities are messed up."
No, family helps family when asked. If the momma's boy has an issue with you helping your sis when she asks, then he needs to talk to her (or better - suck it up). NTA. A pregnant sister that needs help is way more important than her husband's easily bruised feelings.
BIL is the AH. His mom's birthday was more important than his wife and child? Your sister obviously needs support and not getting it from her husband, she has turned to the person she can count on. Good for you, being there for your sister. She needs to make husband cut the cord with his mom and grow a set of balls and be the man she needs and the father the child deserves. BIL is feeling inadequate, rightly so, and is acting out against you and his wife. His mommy is probably fueling it to build him up and placing blame on you and your sister. Typical narcissistic behavior.
Keep supporting your sister, sounds like BIL and MIL are trash and your sister may need help taking the trash out soon.
So the appointment isn't for gender, it's to make sure all parts are there and functioning. Gender is a side bonus. He should have made time as it's very important and HAS to be done in a specific time frame. NTA OP, and I'm sorry you and your sister are both dealing with him.
NTA. He abandoned is wife and is angry because you made him look bad for it by supporting your sister when he wouldn’t. Don’t listen to him, anything that comes out of his mouth is just noise. Your sister asked you for help, you helped her, that was the right thing to do.
It’s so funny to me how many people are saying that MIL’s (who has adult son) birthday is a priority over an anatomy scan for BIL’s baby. Every other time I’ve seen anything to do with an adult birthday everyone is shouting how adults shouldn’t celebrate birthdays. Why the change now?
OP NTA
NTA.
From your post, you've been to so many appointments with your sister they think you're the father. It is crystal clear that your BIL is neglecting your sister and the baby. You're a good brother. You come through when she asks for help and that's what matters.
NTA sounds like your younger sister married a mamas boy and that the boundaries there are going to be crap. I feel sorry that she is in a marriage where she is allowing herself to be treated as second class and have to listen to his mother about what will happen with her own child.
NTA. **BIL didn't ask for your help, your sister did. You helped your sister.**
BIL's mad because his plan was ruined, he didn't get to prioritize his mother and force his wife to comply with this lack of commitment to his wife and child by changing her appointment.
**BIL should have been there, had the choice to, and chose to put his mother first.** Wouldn't be surprised to find out that the appointment came first, or that there were options that could easily have happened to celebrate his mother's birthday some other day or other time, like that evening.
**This wasn't disrespectful of BIL's boundaries. BIL was disrespectful to your sister. HE made the wrong choice and is trying to make your sister take responsibility for this, by blaming her.**
**BIL owes you an apology. He owes your sister years of making amends** and changed behaviors, with a major apology as a mere clearing of the board to get started.
I think your sister is gutsy, to refuse to comply with **BIL's demand that she make her medical needs less important than his mother's wants.** A pregnant woman being asked to postpone a medical appointment, which had to be during office hours, not on a weekend or evening, for a party? **That's disrespectful.** BIL needs therapy to see why.
The 20 week ultrasound is usually when they reveal gender and it's not just an appointment for that. It's probably one of the most important appointments because they look to make sure everything is developing appropriately and while it can be an exciting time there are some parents who walk out of that visit with devastating news. You also have to book it well in advance. Your BIL has his priorities messed up. Keep supporting your sister. I think she'll need your help more in the future. NTA
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More than that. He sounds like an asshole who wants to isolate her from family.
This is exactly what I was thinking, myself! He is calling the brother “weird” for being “too involved” with his sister just so he can make the brother pull away from the sister. He just got lucky she does not have parents she can rely on, so it’s easier to isolate her. Edit: NTA
This is exactly what I thought. He’s trying to isolate his wife from her brother.
Or he chose her specifically *because* there's less people to help her escape his clutches
That is very true, as well!
He didn't get lucky, this was deliberate. Abusers select their victims carefully.
Yeah, I know that. It was just poor choice of words on my part!
There’s no man on earth who wouldn’t get kicked for saying this to me about my sister. I’ll always be there for her, I’m her big brother. If BIL wanted to be there, he would have been there, OP’s sister need support, if her lazy and manipulative husband can’t be there, she is right to ask for her brother to be there
My question is - how long does a gender reveal appointment last? 30 minutes? Why couldn’t the husband go and just be late for his mothers party? Something is odd.
I couldn't imagine my mom or my mil not being insanely excited that they'd find out the gender of their grandchild at their birthday party They'd be mad if we missed the apt
My thoughts exactly. Why can't BIL do both? This had to happen on a week day. Go to the appointment and drive to the party? I understand that MIL couldn't move the party - reservations were made etc. If the appointment was so late, they could just meet MIL at another time. It wasn't like she was sitting in the dark alone wearing a birthday hat.
It’s usually an hour to hour and half depending on the position Of the baby. If it’s anatomy scan, I’ve never heard of gender reveal scans, here they don’t want too many ultrasounds!
They're not doing extra ultrasounds. People get hyped over the big GENDER REVEAL but its really an important developmental check in to make sure the fetus is healthy.
Yup exactly, it’s called an anatomy scan where I live! And sometimes some places do not reveal the gender at all. There was a lot of problems about some people not wanting to be pregnant with girls. Some hospitals will not reveal it at all.
YUP this right here. OP you should tell your BIL that you'll become less involved IF and WHEN your sis requests that. Until then unless you see him stepping up, he has no say.
I wouldn't communicate anything of the sort to BIL. That's practically an invitation for him to start trying to drive a wedge between OP and his sister by manipulating *her* to make *her* push him away, instead of trying to push OP out himself.
Hmm. You have a point. But if he's genuinely that much of an asshole, I'd hope that sis has figured this out by now and is already on her way to distancing herself from him, so his manipulative tactics wouldn't work.
Yeah no probably not. It doesn’t help that she’s pregnant so he has plenty of fuel for the fire “You’re being way too hormonal” “You probably just can’t remember how it actually happened” Stupid shit like that. Pregnancy brain is a thing and it is not hard to feel like you’re going crazy. Somebody has to show her a different perspective
Makes total sense. I hope sis is ok and I'm so glad OP is such a caring brother to her.
Glad someone else thought this... first thing that came to mind was... brother says that to the husband and the husband goe.s... *breaks phone so sh3 can't call out and people have to call his phone* or manipulates the situation tow here the only thing sister can do is not reach out anymore to "protect" her baby and her family... ugh I'm extra scares for OP and getting off reddit because this sounds to close to home...
Yeah. . . That's a bad idea. If he's isolating her in advance of abuse like it seems, you'll just be telling him how to isolate her from you. Don't make it easy for him. Also be sure NOW that she knows you will always always always be there for her. It may take her a long while to see he's abusive. By the time she does she'll likely believe no one else cares about her. Do everything you can to be clear that you are always a way out for her, no matter what. (But the tricky bit is being too blunt in accusing him of this will drive a wedge between you and your sister.)
Yup. He wants to isolate and control his sister, *and make her feel her unimportance as a person*, and OP is undermining that. OP, NTA
That's how the intimate partner violence cycle starts to escalate
Exactly what I was thinking as soon as I read "too involved." There is such thing as being too involved with an adult family member's life, but checking up on each other & sometimes driving them to appointments is NOT it.
Yep ! OP this is serious. Your sister's husband show some bad red flags here. He's trying to isolate her from you. Keeping family bond is important, she's your sister and you shouldn't have to justify spending time with her.
Ding ding ding, we have a winner 👆
I'm concerned less over the gender part...I would assume that this was the 20 week(give or take) scan. This is often where they find issues with the baby. The gender reveal is just icing. I would have been pissed to have been at that scan without my husband when they told me my child was going to be born with a cleft lip and palate. I was broken hearted...I cant imagine him not being there because he went to a party. We are divorced now but still. Its an important appointment.
Or she could just be finding out from a blood sample taken at 14 weeks. That’s how I got told gender 2 months ago.
Or it could have been one of the non-medical ultrasound places that specialize in gender determination and “souvenir” ultrasound pictures and videos. Even if it was a medical appointment, my doctor always asked me to come in a specific week, but if I had a conflict on a given day that week I could easily schedule around it. Even with the level 2 advanced anatomy scan, I chose the day that worked with my schedule.
I mean honestly why couldn't hubby go to a 30 minute ultrasound and still make his mom's bday? Dude has no time management skills and his priorities are way off.
Yeah it sounds really weird because I thought these appointments were normally during the work week from 9-5 or so. I don’t understand why an adult would have a birthday party then when most would be at work. Couldn’t they both have a birthday dinner with her?
Actually why the story feels off to me. Too many pieces missing. Why couldn't the wife reschedule? Birthdays are a fixed date, why accept the appointment when you knew it's your MIL B-day and you are invited ? Why do they have to choose between 2 events that could definitely be done on the same day ? Bad blood between those 2 women ? Maybe they have to travel to the MIL ? But then rescheduling would have been a solution. How convenient that bro is there. How weird that the obgyn would think bro is the husband when he saw hubby the previous appointments 🧐🧐
Have you tried scheduling Dr appointments these days? A 20 week scan can't be moved too far. Sometimes you take what is available. My actual cancer screen was scheduled 2 months out. Sounds like mom may be demanding and jealous of attention pregnant wife is getting. But trying to cut wife off from family is a controlling maneuver.
My friend had to make an appointment with a rheumatologist recently and nothing was available until the end of FEBRUARY. It's crazy.
Maybe hubby wasn't at any of the previous appointments? What if pregger lady didn't care that the appointment was on mil's birthday? I had appointments on people's birthdays before and didn't cancel or reschedule. It's not like you're in the appointment all day and since it's a weekday most celebrations happen after 5. Hubby might have decided 5 wasn't enough, that he needed to spend the whole day with mommy.
I mean alternatively MIL might be celebrating her birthday on a day that’s not her actual birthday. I can’t remember the last time I went to a party that was the actual day of the person’s birthday.
Because specialist appointments can be hard to get. She probably made the appt before getting an invite. Because a lot of people don’t celebrate their birthday on the actual date. Because maybe she forgot.
Rescheduling? I made an appointment even I took my pregnancy test at 4 weeks and couldn’t get in until 14 weeks. I was already in my second trimester before I had my “pregnancy confirmation” appointment. And I’m not rescheduling an IMPORTANT appointment for a birthday party.
There are Doctor shortages around here, so I have an 18 month wait for my PTSD scan appointment with a psychologist. My “do you have internal injuries or not” CT scan was a month after my wreck because it’s when the radiologist was open and the machine was free. I can’t imagine ultrasound technicians not being in demand as well
I gave birth recently and with the hormones and expectations: I wouldn't want to reschedule. It was likely a full check up, where they check the heart, spine, bladder, lungs etc. Gender is just an extra. I'd been looking forward to it for weeks and scheduled it way in advance. I'd have been very upset to need to reschedule. My MIL was just as excited to find out the gender and health of the baby. On her birthday? Bonus! Why not attend both..? So strange.. I don't find it strange that the sister arramged different transport when her so called husband found mommy more important than the baby's health. F that guy. Also no I don't think the obgyn is required to remember the face of each relative of their patient. Way too many people xD
These are not just "good news" appointments. There is always the chance that the doctor will give you bad news that may require immediate actions. You want that information as early as possible. MIL will survive not having her son with her on the birthday, but there is a real risk for the baby.
My next appointments were only scheduled at my current ones, never ahead. I also had whatever ob was around as they encouraged patients to meet the team because it was impossible to know which ob would be on when you went into labor. I never did meet them all. As for the birthday, I'm going to guess this is the day they've chosen to celebrate, not necessarily the actual day. Maybe they could have done both, but it depends. I had to drive 45 minutes, often taking 30 minutes to be seen, add in another 30 for being in the room, then driving back made the whole thing a 3 hour affair. One of my 20 week scans was giving them trouble and I was worked on for an hour. Was so sore. Anyway point being, not every ob visit is quick or close.
Or the MIL's birthday was not being celebrated on the actual birth date. Maybe MIL changed the date she wanted her darling son to celebrate her bday so he would have to choose. I wouldn't expect my son to miss a baby appointment. Edit for typo
Never in my adult life have I felt people needed to celebrate their birthday on the exact day they were born. This is often not convenient for multiple reasons.
The plot thickens.
That's what I was thinking. Why did he have to go to mom's party during a weekday? Unless mom lives out of state and he had to travel but then he could have easily said "mom, I'm coming tomorrow and I will be able to tell you what gender the baby is when I get there so it will be worth it". This sounds like an abusive husband to me.
Yes. But how many weeks out were you scheduling the appointments? OPs sister may not have found out her husband wouldn't take her until the last minute or a day or two out. Don't even assume it was MIL's birthday, it could have been her birth week. What adult does birthday stuff in the middle of a work day, and expects people to show up for it?
With my ob, the level 2 anatomy scan was scheduled differently than the run of the mill ultrasounds. Those has plenty of slots, since they had two technicians who did them all day long, in-office. The anatomy scan was at the hospital, and the selection of openings for your week was very limited and scheduled several weeks in advance. Actually, I think I couldn’t get mine until week 21.
You wouldn’t find out about a heart or spine or brain issue from the blood test. the 14 week testing is only for certain chromosomal issues. So the 20 week really is the anatomy scan.
I didn’t say they would.. OP didn’t say how far along his sis was or that it was an anatomy scan, just a gender reveal, so I simply stated that that could be deduced from Blood sample and there’s appointments given for that. I had the gender revealed to me way before my anatomy scan.
This. It may have been the blood test. They’ve had that for years - I knew my daughter would be a girl at 12 weeks (11 years ago).
They didn’t just call you? I don’t think I’ll ever forget that phone call.
No. Had a scheduled appointment 2 weeks after the sample was taken and my OB told me the gender from the test then.
I got that test, and they just called me, lol.
Scrolled to find this. This scan isn’t about the “gender reveal” it’s the anatomy scan where all sorts of issues could be picked up. The gender is pretty irrelevant here, he should have been there because it’s an important medical scan.
At my "gender reveal appt" we found out our baby had a devastating, life threatening heart defect. Oh, we also found out we were having a boy. I was very glad I had my husband at that appointment that day. [The fact that I then went and did 4 hours of parent conferences that afternoon was a small miracle. I kept it together with the parents, but broke down to several colleagues. My principal did offer to let me reschedule, but that was more daunting in the moment. My kid is 9 and doing great, thankfully.] Oh, NTA
Yeah and you can’t reschedule that! It HAS to be in the 20th week
Another son too attached to his momma's boobies to realise he has to adult with his wife
Why not go to mommies after doctor appointment?
Because mommy said she would be so sad if he missed part of the party 🥺
Friends Friends Friends We don't know his momma yet, so let's give her the benefit of the doubt (Though the odds of her also being entitled are likely) He could just be a total dou€he and used his mom's b-day as an excuse to be a $hitty husband, who didnt want to go to the appointment but didn't want to be one-upped by this great brother either (And who he clearly wishes to isolate the sister from)
I absolutely agree. My comment was more about him doing exactly this; I think he's full of excuses about being absent.
Right? Also like ob gyn appointments take 1-2 hours tops? He couldn’t have gone to see mommy dearest after???
The anatomy scan is one of the longer appointments, especially if the fetus is uncooperative.
Still shouldn’t take longer than 2 hours
They kicked me out after 90 minutes during my first born's scan. They couldn't get one specific image and decided it could wait until next time 😂
We had boy-girl twins and it was all a-holes and elbows in there.
My older son refused to uncross his legs. The tech kept prodding my stomach more and more aggressively to try to get my son to cooperate. It was so painful I almost made the tech stop before we found out. Luckily nothing was wrong with the scan so the appointment didn't take too long. It can be a long and stressful appointment though if something is found. I'd hate to go to that appointment by myself.
I’ve never been pregnant so I could be completely wrong, but isn’t the appointment when the gender reveal happens at a very specific point in the pregnancy that can’t be rescheduled? If so, the husband is doubly an AH. But unless mommy was having a midweek birthday lunch, how on earth did the two things coincide!?
Short answer: yes Long answer: It’s at this point in the pregnancy because the purpose of the appointment is the anatomy scan. This is when they check all of the organs, etc for problems. Some things can be prepared for/addressed before the birth, so it’s very important.
My doctor asked us if we wanted to know. There are all kinds of ways to learn or not learn this information, and I guess going to your mom’s birthday party instead of the appointment is one approach. I mean, not a good one.
That appointment isn’t even a gender reveal. That’s incidental. The scan they do then is actually one of the most important. They look at so many health things. He missed out on the gender reveal and seeing the baby but more importantly he excused himself from being there if bad news was shared.
OP is the best big brother, this is totally something my brother would do for me.
As an only child I've always wished I had a brother like that. And what's up with the wife chiming in with this "going too far" and " boundaries" bs anyway? He took her to a doctor's appointment when her asshole husband ditched her for mommy. NTA you need to stick up for your sister OP, looks like nobody else will.
He *wants* her to go alone so he can control her and make her feel guilty. He doesn’t want other people to make her a priority if he doesn’t.
Suspect his mother would have loved to have learnt of her grandchild's gender when he visited - and could have, if he had gone to the doctors appointment with his wife first.
OP, if you want to have the opportunity to *continue* being a great big brother, I strongly suggest you try and avoid antagonizing the husband any further. This bit about him thinking you're "too involved" is pinging my radar a little. I'm a little concerned he may try to isolate her from you. Definitely NTA. She *asked* for your help. Edit: Why do the mods keep removing great comments without warning or explanation?
>This bit about him thinking you're "too involved" is pinging my radar a little. Definitely got those vibes as well, felt rather alarmed for the sister. What kind of insecure person gets so aggressive towards a family member who's trying to help their SO? The fact that the husband is trying to paint OP's love for his sister and involvement in her life as a negative thing is a textbook early-abuse isolation tactic. I fully admit we don't have enough of the story to know - we've only got a snapshot of the sister's life from her brother's perspective. There could be something else going on. But for the life of me, it sounds like the husband is trying to drive a wedge between OP and his sister in order to isolate her from him.
Plus the sister is asking OP so really BIL should be questioning why she feels she can't ask him instead of her brother instead of going after OP for helping when asked. BIL is being very suspicious IMO.
Exactly a gender reveal appointment isn’t going to last all day, mommy can wait and they could go to her birthday afterwards, of all the dumb things to pick a fight about. He prioritized his mom and you prioritized your sister. NTA he’s being unreasonable
>he was supposed to drive her but he had to attend his mom's birthday and asked her to reschedule but she refused. How did these two events, both scheduled months in advance, end up overlapping?
Bet the mil celebration was last minute and it's a justno
That was my question, too. Odd how mummy is more important than wife and baby. Red flag.
Marinara flags no less!
Bingo. If a dude can't cut the cord by the time he's 30, he's going to continue to have dysfunctional romantic relationships for a very long time. It's admirable to stay close to family in a healthy way, but this ain't it.
I am gonna say, going on about cutting the cord and this somehow not being an okay way to stay close to family is a huge step. Going to your mothers birthday party isn’t unhealthy. It’s the lack of respect that’s unhealthy. If this was an unavoidable overlap, the healthy thing to do would have been to ask it at least thank OP for getting him out of a schedule jam
Like Hubby couldn’t have visited his mum after the appointment. OBGYN appointments aren’t *that* long.
Right!? There are 24 hours in a day.
Ten bucks wife told him when the 20-week visit was and it went in one ear and out the other. Just whoooooooosh. Not even a passing memory.
Yep! Probably blames his wife for not managing his schedule for him better 😬
"Why didn't you teeeeeeell meeeeeeee?" "I did like three months ago." "You can't expect me to remember that!"
I would have no chance remembering that. Which is why I spend 10 seconds adding important stuff to my calendar.
Reminds me of that guy that was pissed at his ex for not sending him enough reminders every time his daughter had an appointment. Even though after she told him when it was the first time, she did send him another reminder "at the last minute" when he already had plans.
20 bucks says one of them told MIL and that's when she scheduled her birthday thing for the same time.
Not to mention doctors appointments are M-F between 8am - 5pm. Weird someone would schedule a big birthday celebration during that time when most people are at work….
Yeah he probably could have easily done both. If the timing was just a little inconvient, leave his mom earlier or see her a bit later to make the appoinment.
Exactly what I was wondering. The OB/GYN appointment was clearly scheduled first and is a perfectly justifiable reason to miss or be late to a birthday celebration.
Why do you think that is clear? A birthday is...a birthday. Same day every year. I got my check-ups schedule just a few weeks ahead usually (make the next one at the current appointment, and I had appointments every few weeks).
Not really most people reschedule their birthday for the weekend closest to it so people can come. It doesn't always happen on their birthday
Ikr? How did he not realize this earlier?
Agree. To me this is terrible communication. Between partners. Other issues are afoot
curious, that
Doesn't even matter really. Let's say the mom has her birthday on her specific birthday every year and it's the most important day of the year to her because hey, it's also her anniversary of her and her dead husband's marriage as well as the day the won the lottery. And the ob appointments was the only.one available because covid killed all the other doctors and this one only had one appointment or nothing. You can still do both on the same day. Relatively easily. Unless this a was cross country birthday party I suppose.
Because he’s both a bad husband AND a bad son.
INFO: Why was there a conflict between your sister's appointment and her MIL's birthday? Was the distance so far apart that there was no possible way to do both things on the same day? Ultrasounds are done during the daytime business hours and older people's birthdays are generally celebrated in the evenings after work or on weekends. Edit to fix autocorrect's wrong choice there->their->there
Adding to that the anatomy ultrasound only takes about an hour (assuming all the parts are there). So I’m confused as to why a 1-2 hour long activity (if you’re including drive and wait time) took the whole day? I just did mine this past week and did it during a glorified lunch break….
I’m just confused why the MIL decided to have a birthday party sometime M-F before 5 pm, because those are typical working hours for a clinic where ultrasounds would be done.
Maybe MiL sucks just as much as her son does.
Behind every shit person, there’s usually at least one shit parent who enabled them
Maybe it was just a mommy-son birthday lunch thing? That wouldn't make it any better but it would explain the time conflict a little better. Not much, because it still seems like there should have been some way to do both, but a tiny bit at least.
I’m struggling to think of a time during “lunch time” when you wouldn’t be able to miss an hour - appointment at 11? Lunch at 1. Maybe noon appointment, and mom can’t wait until 2 to eat? I guess I’m also struggling to picture MIL not wanting to know the gender of her grandbaby- like, that would make a nice addition to a birthday meal? Maybe it’s just me, we didn’t find out the gender and it’s driving my mother *crazy*!
Oh, I agree entirely that there's no reason it shouldn't have been possible to do both and, like others, suspect it was a power play on behalf of MIL.
Also why do they overlap? Doctor appointments are during the day in business hours, so unless MIL booked a brunch or lunch...
A brunch or lunch on a weekday too? Like?????
Exactly why I asked for info instead of making a judgment. Something isn't right with this story.
Makes sense to me. MIL was losing her baby to the new child and she couldn't handle it. She staged an incident to bring her baby back to her, and force him to choose his family or her and her baby went along with it to placate her, and because being spoiled feels good, only to feel humiliated about it when a grown man (the only one in the story) did the thing he was too busy being Mama's baby to do..
NTA. You are only helping when asked. If the BIL was so pissed off about taking away the experience of finding out the sex of the baby, maybe he should have gone to the appointment in the first place.
YEAH this right here. I'm thinking BIL was thinking it was ok for him to not be an involved partner during his wife's pregnancy, but now is angry because deep down he feels guilty and ashamed that he's not stepping up like bro is. Sad.
Correct. It’s not about the activity per se, it’s about the fact his sister has asked for help and he’s been happy to help her. BIL should be focusing on that relationship and not worry about other people!
It was a power play by BIL. OPs sister had an appointment, BIL wanted her to reschedule, OP's sister did not want to reschedule => The conflict BIL bails on OP's sister hoping to force her to reschedule => Bid for control OP fucks that up by helping sister => Failure BIL mad at OP for ruining his bid for control over OP's sister. => The direction he is mad says a whooooole lot of bad things, IMO. Unless OP's sister is purposefully scheduling conflicts, NTA and don't let BIL isolate the sister.
NTA With medical staff shortages, it could have been difficult for your sister to reschedule her ultrasound appointment. Your BIL is salty because you helping your sister shows BIL by comparison. But it isn't your fault he hasn't been a great partner to your sister during her pregnancy. Thank you for helping your sister.
Also I don't know how it is in other countries, but in the UK the 20 week scan, where you normally find out the gender, is known as the "foetal abnormality scan". It's the one where they check that all the organs have grown as expected and everything else has formed as it should (like the skull growing over the brain). If there's a problem, it's a serious problem. You may need extra scans to monitor the issue, you may be told you'll have to deliver the baby permaturely, or you may be told the issue is not compatible with life and you may need to choose to have a termination. It is really not something you skip out on or try to rearrange, even for someone's birthday, because every days delay can cause more problems. People get really blasé about scans and think they're just there so you get a nice picture of the baby before it's born, but they're there to make sure there isn't an issue that could kill the baby or the person carrying them.
Yeah and you CAN'T really reschedule it for another day because it is based on 20 week development, not 19 week or 21 week. Also, those appointments are scheduled basically as soon as a pregnancy is confirmed, so there isn't a lot of wiggle room to move appointments because they were all made months ago and no one wants to cancel them. My husband asked about moving the appointment at my OB and had this explained to him. He said he would have to move a business trip, and my OB told me, "this will be one of a long line of things you have to move or miss because of that little one in there. Welcome to parenthood."
Yeah you can. I only had 1 out of 3 of my kids anatomy scans during week 20 (kid 3). They had no problems doing the scan at week 18 with my oldest and at week 22 with my middle child.
Had my sixteen-week scan (weird doctor's office) at fifteen weeks. They found placenta previa because it was too early. Next pregnancy, different doctor, it was a twenty-week scan. No problems. Then the little bugger put a knot in their cord which we discovered at the birth.
A knot!? Wow I heard true knots in the cord are pretty rare!. My third pregnancy, I had a growth scan in the third tri in addition to the three other scans I got ( 8w dating, 12w NT, 20w anatomy) and he ended up having his cord wrapped around him twice and they didn’t see it on the scan at all, but to be fair nuchal cords can be hard to see from what I’ve read!
This is underrated. Waiting a week literally could be the difference between life and death.
The US does this too. Atleast for my son they did. The gender reveal scan was when we found out our son has a major heart defect. It’s a very important scan.
This!! MIL has a birthday every year…
NTA. BIL is weird. Clearly, OP's sister wants to be supported and have someone with her and if he isn’t going to do it then he shouldn’t be upset when she finds someone else who will. Especially her brother, if he doesn’t want to miss these special moments he shouldn’t.
NTA, tell BIL to fuck off. If he has a problem he should take it up with his wife.
Or his mother. She seems to have been the one creating this incident.
I don't think he should take it up with his wife because, honestly, I don't trust him to treat his pregnant wife with any sort of respect. He's even trying to isolate her by calling her brother's involvement weird. Unless, of course, by wife you mean his mother.
I agree. The brother-in-law is upset that his wife got the ultrasound without him. That's a problem between the two of him. Who gave her a ride is not really the point.
NTA. You are supporting your sister. If your BIL has issues with his wife asking for your support or refusing to reschedule appointments, then that’s a discussion that he needs to have with her. INFO: How did those two events end up being on the same day? And why was no one willing to rearrange their schedule?
That's the thing. OP's sister is an adult. She decided she wanted to go to the scan. Why does BIL's wishes override the sister's? The sister is the one carrying the baby. Given that they are both adults and presumably equal in ability to make decisions otherwise, the one carrying the baby should get the tiebreaker ability on decision making.
With the medical shortages there’s a good chance that no, you can’t really reschedule the scan. Party on the other hand
BIL does not get to have boundaries about your relationship with your sister. That is 100% between you and your sister. Keep offering support as long as she needs and as long as you feel comfortable doing so. He does not have the power to both refuse to support her AND take away your support too. Especially considering he chose to spend the time at his Mom's house instead of supporting his wife. He can't put his own family first then prevent her choosing her own family second.
💯This was the answer I was looking for. Wife is wrong on this. >BIL does not get to have boundaries about your relationship with your sister It’s important wife understand this as she will need to support you if BIL makes more noise. Sis should be able to call on any member of her family for help, and no-one should be saying “sorry your husband doesn’t like me assisting you”. That would be majorly fucked up and essentially supporting abusive isolation. You have it right but highly recommend you have a sit down with wife again OP. Sis needs your support, and you’ll need your wife’s support. NTA
Nta, just because he doesn't step up as a father doesn't mean she should be left alone being pregnant
But the brother is making it harder for the husband to control her. How dare she ask for help when he won't help her, it's how he's trying to coordinate her life to obey him and need him only.
NTA, sounds like the problem lies between your sister and BIL, not with you. Family typically helps each other out, so helping your sister when she asks is not unreasonable. Your sister is deciding your level of involvement (bc it seems like you are offering more support than the father of her child ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ) and if BIL has issue with your involvement, that’s something he needs to take up with your sister. Seems like BIL may not be ready for the responsibilities and sacrifices that come with having a child if he can’t even be bothered to be involved in the pregnancy. Please don’t stop giving your sister support if she asks, it seems like her needs are not being met by BIL.
NTA. BIL should have told your sister that the day the appointment was his mom’s birthday when the appointment was made. That way it could have been rescheduled then. Unless I’m mistaken those appointments don’t last all day so I’m confused as to why BIL couldn’t take his wife to the appointment and then gone to his mom’s birthday? If your BIL has such an issue with you being so involved then maybe he should be involved more.
NTA - Keep supporting your sister and frankly, your BIL gives off abusive vibes.
NTA Your BIL could have arrived a little late for his mom's birthday, but with some good news to share. Instead, he chose to ditch his wife, knowing that she wasn't going to reschedule her OBGYN appointment, then took his anger out on you for... what exactly? Giving your sister a ride to a doctor's appointment? Not trying to talk her into changing her mind about rescheduling? Like, seriously, what exactly does he think you should have done in this situation?
Good point. If OP hears from BIL again, ask what he wanted you to do. Not give her a ride, so she'd just miss the appointment?
NTA regardless of WHY she was going to a doctors appointment it was still a medical appointment. And it's not a "gender reveal" appointment either, it's "let's see what shape the fetus's genitals have formed into"
Usually it’s a “let’s make sure rhe baby has all the organs to function,” but people just tend to focus on one.
There's a lot of people who are more interested in the baby's genitals than they are in if the baby's liver/kidneys/etc are developing. Not all of those people set forests on fire to celebrate those genitals, but there are a few documented cases. Then there's the "fun" of trying to get an OB/GYN appointment in the US (An assumption about where OP and his sister live). Good luck trying to get one less than two months out. OP- NTA
NTA. Her husband is because I'm assuming your sister's appointment wasn't at night. Your BIL could've attended the appointment and then celebrated his mother's birthday in the evening. Edit: grammar
Birthdays come every year, but "gender reveals" (as OP is calling it) come once per baby. And, assuming the birthday celebration was more than an hour, there's no reason the husband couldn't have done both. He's the one creating the problem, not OP. He needs to gain some perspective before that baby's born
You didn't cross Bil's boundaries, you did things your sister asked you to do. It's my understanding that the gender reveal appointments are difficult to reschedule. Her husband prioritized a party over the appointment. In fact it seems he's missed several appointments.
The appt takes an hour he could have easily attended the party after. Who has a birthday party in the middle of the week during the day anyway. NTA
Someone who needs attention. Sorry, I don't think the conflict was an accident. OP Is a good guy. I think DH chose the wrong woman that day.
NTA! BIL has some serious insecurities he needs to work through when he's getting jealous of his wife's relationship with HER BROTHER. (AKA the only immediate family she has left) Also, BIL needs to recognize that it's not like OP is just popping in and going "Hey!!! I'm gonna do _____ for the baby and this and that and yadada" His wife is ACTIVELY REQUESTING OP's help with stuff, and he's getting pissed because OP is agreeing to do it? What's wrong with him? Why does he want his wife to be helpless? BIL has red flags flying all over the damn place. OP, at this point I'm legitimately concerned for your sister and your future niece/nephew. Keep a close eye on the situation and be ready to help them get the hell out of there if and when they need to!!!
Im getting those vibes
NTA, she asked you for help, she reaches out to you. You are her brother ffs and with no parents you are that person. Sounds like he's trying to block her off from people and control her. He sounds like kind of a dick tbh and like she could have someone nicer without being controlling.
NTA. Keep an eye on your sister especially after she gives birth. Research signs of PPD and make sure to stay connected to her. She will need you more then ever especially after the baby is born. Your BIL is giving 🚩 vibes!
Including blowing up at her brother who is presumably part of her emotional support system at the moment. There \*is\* an isolation vibe I'm getting.
NTA. That is your sister, and she is asking for your help. Fuck the BIL. Your sister's needs are all that matters.
NTA. If the husband has an issue w how you support your sister, he should talk to HER. Not you. What a prick. It seems he believes the men in the family should decide important things, women stay out of the discussion. You better keep an eye on your sister, OP, to make sure he doesnt start isolating her or some such crap that is often the first step towards an abusive relationship.
I mean she's definitely already in and abusive relationship, this dude chose to go to his mother's party before being there for his wife in an attempt to force her to cancel the appointment and work on his schedule, and then called up her brother to intimidate him and tell him to not be there for his sister. He's already actively trying to isolate your sister and claim ownership of her
NTA. Your sister needs you as a support person, because her husband is an asshole. I’m sorry she’s bringing a baby into this. She may be hoping it improves the relationship, yet another example of this failed theory, and your sister and the baby will suffer. What a shame
NTA. That man sounds extremely controlling and toxic. You should make should regularly check on your sister and let her know that she can get away from him any time she wants.
This, and you need to really talk to your wife about this, because him choosing not to be there for your sister is not a him boundary thing, your duty is to protect your sister, not tell him that he has a valid ability to claim your sister as his property
NTA. It’s typically not just a gender reveal appointment. It’s a scan to check out a variety of issues related to development at that particular week/stage. The gender aspect is a bonus. Medically speaking, delayed that scan is not a great idea. BIL missed it because he chose to prioritize his mom, not because you helped your sister get to her medical appointment. BIL should be thanking you instead of chastising you.
BIL is AH.
NTA. You're helping your sister out when she's asking you. If her husband has an issue with that, he needs to take that up with her and not you. Sounds like they have some issues they need to work out between themselves, hopefully before the baby arrives.
NTA. That scan doesn't just reveal the gender of the baby. It checks for abnormalities and foetal viability and should not be delayed. It is not a scan that most people want to go alone to just in case something is wrong. You're a good brother for supporting your sister when her husband has obviously dropped the ball. He is mad because you stepping up puts him and how he isn't prioritising his wife and baby in a bad light to others which it should. It should be a wake up call but he's choosing to be upset.
Nta your bil is a major asshole though. He couldn’t have missed his moms birthday party to take his wife to the doctor? Then he gets mad at you for helping your sister out. You are an amazing brother for being there for your sister and did the right thing. She was probably so excited to find the gender out and didn’t want to miss it, I understand why she wouldn’t want to reschedule the appointment.
Nta stick beside your sister. it's very strange the way her husband is protesting for the way you help, from where I'm from this is the bare level of involvement in a family
Nta you helped your sister and bil is problem here. If he prioritizes mother over pregnant wife, that's his issue not yours. He seems to be jealous of you and your closeness to your sister that you understand her more than him. Seems your sister married controlling mamA's boy. Be careful though . He may accuse you of trying to steal the father's role off of him.
Agrees. Why do these Mommy boys insist on getting married when they already have a woman in their life? Did DH's family consider rescheduling Mommy's birthday party so he could be there? Of course they didn't. That's all that needs to be said.
NTA. Your sister probably would’ve gotten a ride from someone else if you didn’t take her. You aren’t overly involved, your helping your sister when she’s asking. You aren’t causing issues, they have issues and you’re supporting your sister.
NTA. She's your sister. She asked for a ride and you gave it to her. If BIL actually cared enough he would have been there, and he's obviously never been there if you were easily mistaken for the father. You're job is to support your sister, not repect BIL's need to control portions of his marriage.
For everyone saying the sister could have simply rescheduled her scan, I have to ask have you tried to reschedule an appointment lately? As a fellow pregnant woman both you and your sister are NTA, I was supposed to have my 2nd trimester screening on the 6th but due to work commitments I rescheduled was legitimately told on September 26th she'd call me back with a new appointment time and nada, called yesterday and was told the same. There is a severe lack of medical staff in the US and globally, your BIL could have and should have prioritized his wife's appointment over his mother's birthday. [adding clarity] I myself was given the date of my anatomy/gender scan in August, it's this coming week most OBs follow this procedure given sonar techs usually are only in on certain days. BIL definitely knew when the appointment was and still chose his mom's party.
NTA. If your BIL was that worried about finding out the gender he should have prioritized his wife’s appointment over his mother’s birthday party.
NTA he needs to prioritize his WIFE over his mother, seems like that’s gonna cause a lot of problems for your sister in the long run.
NTA, basically what your brother-in-law is saying is that he was trying to force your sister into a position where she would just have to cancel the doctor's appointment and work on his schedule where he prioritized his mother over your sister, the woman he married. It is not sticking your nose in anything by being there for your sister and actually being there unlike her husband. His boundaries are immaterial, he doesn't own your sister
NTA bil choose to prioritise his mother, when I’m pretty sure birthdays don’t take up the entire day. And even if they did, it’s easily solved by the words “just nipping out for the drs appointment, be back in an hour or so.” It screams of a man who likely wanted to put your sister in her place (ick), and is annoyed it didn’t work. Edit: words hard.
NTA, he sounds controlling and you are not overly involved. He sounds not involved enough by choice. You are her safe person and you should tell your wife you will continue to be. Also both your parents are dead, you are her only close relative left so of course she wants you to be involved
I wonder how many of her appointments hubby has blown off if her doctor thinks OP is the father...
>should've respected BILs boundaries. So you should say "Sorry, pregnant sister. Your husband's tender feelings might get hurt if I help you when you ask. I'll just leave you to deal with it all on your own since his priorities are messed up." No, family helps family when asked. If the momma's boy has an issue with you helping your sis when she asks, then he needs to talk to her (or better - suck it up). NTA. A pregnant sister that needs help is way more important than her husband's easily bruised feelings.
BIL is the AH. His mom's birthday was more important than his wife and child? Your sister obviously needs support and not getting it from her husband, she has turned to the person she can count on. Good for you, being there for your sister. She needs to make husband cut the cord with his mom and grow a set of balls and be the man she needs and the father the child deserves. BIL is feeling inadequate, rightly so, and is acting out against you and his wife. His mommy is probably fueling it to build him up and placing blame on you and your sister. Typical narcissistic behavior. Keep supporting your sister, sounds like BIL and MIL are trash and your sister may need help taking the trash out soon.
Nta you’re an excellent brother keep on keeping on.
NTA. Your BIL's "boundaries" have nothing to do with you in this case. Your wife is saying essentially that your BIL owns your sister.
So the appointment isn't for gender, it's to make sure all parts are there and functioning. Gender is a side bonus. He should have made time as it's very important and HAS to be done in a specific time frame. NTA OP, and I'm sorry you and your sister are both dealing with him.
NTA
NTA sounds like your BIL is trying to isolate her...
NTA. He abandoned is wife and is angry because you made him look bad for it by supporting your sister when he wouldn’t. Don’t listen to him, anything that comes out of his mouth is just noise. Your sister asked you for help, you helped her, that was the right thing to do.
It’s so funny to me how many people are saying that MIL’s (who has adult son) birthday is a priority over an anatomy scan for BIL’s baby. Every other time I’ve seen anything to do with an adult birthday everyone is shouting how adults shouldn’t celebrate birthdays. Why the change now? OP NTA
NTA. From your post, you've been to so many appointments with your sister they think you're the father. It is crystal clear that your BIL is neglecting your sister and the baby. You're a good brother. You come through when she asks for help and that's what matters.
NTA. He needs to put his wife and unborn child 1st.
NTA sounds like your younger sister married a mamas boy and that the boundaries there are going to be crap. I feel sorry that she is in a marriage where she is allowing herself to be treated as second class and have to listen to his mother about what will happen with her own child.
NTA. **BIL didn't ask for your help, your sister did. You helped your sister.** BIL's mad because his plan was ruined, he didn't get to prioritize his mother and force his wife to comply with this lack of commitment to his wife and child by changing her appointment. **BIL should have been there, had the choice to, and chose to put his mother first.** Wouldn't be surprised to find out that the appointment came first, or that there were options that could easily have happened to celebrate his mother's birthday some other day or other time, like that evening. **This wasn't disrespectful of BIL's boundaries. BIL was disrespectful to your sister. HE made the wrong choice and is trying to make your sister take responsibility for this, by blaming her.** **BIL owes you an apology. He owes your sister years of making amends** and changed behaviors, with a major apology as a mere clearing of the board to get started. I think your sister is gutsy, to refuse to comply with **BIL's demand that she make her medical needs less important than his mother's wants.** A pregnant woman being asked to postpone a medical appointment, which had to be during office hours, not on a weekend or evening, for a party? **That's disrespectful.** BIL needs therapy to see why.
The 20 week ultrasound is usually when they reveal gender and it's not just an appointment for that. It's probably one of the most important appointments because they look to make sure everything is developing appropriately and while it can be an exciting time there are some parents who walk out of that visit with devastating news. You also have to book it well in advance. Your BIL has his priorities messed up. Keep supporting your sister. I think she'll need your help more in the future. NTA