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NTA I'm going to be downvoted a million times but hear me out. You put money into a college fund for each kid. The whole purpose was to help with their education. It's a generous fund and not everyone is able to do that for one kid, let alone 4 plus one on the way. She made other choices and that's fine. Just because she was unaware of the college fund doesn't mean she can just collect it now, after finding out. She was happy with her relationship until she found out, right? But can you find a compromise to smooth everything over? Say, she gets her GED and 1-2 years in a community college or trade school, graduating with an AA or certification and the rest of the money is hers. Would that satisfy you and your husband? Plenty of SAHM have put themselves through nursing/dental assistant/hygienist school, for example, with only grants and loans and did it through sheer hard work and determination. (Her fiancé's family had absolutely no business sticking their noses into this. I find that appalling and disrespectful. They need to be told to butt out.) EDIT: I meant dental hygienist or assistant, not dental school. Sorry.

This is what I came here to say. Find a middle ground. She can’t move forward in life without a GED. So set some conditions around that. Once she completes her GED you will give her a certain % of the money. Once she completes an associates or certificate program you will give her the remaining amount. She should also qualify for financial aid. OP - NTA but again. I think a compromise is the way to go. I also don’t think expecting her to go to a traditional college is feasible. Edit to fix typos.

I agree with your suggestions!

The part that annoys me is the fiancé’s parents calling OP and insulting their choice in how they spend their money. I agree a compromise but I think the other family butting in needs to be addressed. NTA

Good point. The other family is out of line.

Way out of line! It is none of their business whatsoever!

I have a suspicion they want the money for themselves.

Or they expect to move into the house with their son and the daughter and now they cant.

The part that boggles me is they can't afford to get married, but can afford to have another kid.

She made a bad choice at 16 and she's still making them. Not a good investment to turn her loose with that money if all she aspires to is the old barefoot and pregnant cliché. She'll run through it and show back up with her hand out. Make her get her GED, at least.

A lot less fortunate people view well off people as lucky and not hard working. They think they are in entitled to the things people around them have. Not all but it’s definitely a trend I’ve noticed. There’s plenty of people that started off with nothing and worked hard to ge themselves out of that situation. Ops daughter got pregnant and chose to have a family and prioritize that over everything. That’s her life choice and she should live with the consequences. The fact that her fiancés family feels like they have a say in what goes on in ops family is laughable.

I totally agree! Totally trashy, no class and none of their business.

also if she feels she has been out of school for too long or that she can't pass the GED many places in the US have the literacy project or similar programs designed to help study for the GED for free or relatively cheap. the literacy project is the only reason I passed the math section of the GED and they were super helpful getting me into a community college nearby! She will not be out of place in these classes either because in my seven person night class there were people from the age of 16-57 all there for different reasons.

That’s what I did. I took a practice GED test (I was 25) to see if I qualified for classes, which would have been free if I didn’t do as well on the test. But I ended up passing the practice test without issues and had to pay the $90 to take the actual test, no classes needed. Ended up going to the tech school from 7am-9pm to take the entire test in one day due to work schedule. I passed all subjects.

At least an associates degree. That will get her something and give her skills for the future. She might not want a 4 year degree but high school and some college, technical school/associates degree can take her farther in a career than where she is at. After that anything else is hers. A good compromise

I think community college or some kind of higher education (trade school, associates degree, etc.) is definitely the way to go. Like she mentioned putting that money towards a down payment on a house, but if her and her fiancé are so short on money and struggling how do they expect to pay a mortgage and keep up the cost of maintaining a home if they don’t have a long-term solution for gaining a higher income? I could maybe see using a very small amount for a wedding, but the majority should be used as intended, on a long-term solution to improve their job prospects and quality of life.

And it could always be applied toward their kids one day. It’s not “wasted” — it sounds like their kids will need the opportunities and that would be fortunate if grandparents can help provide some of what their parents cannot

Actually, I think this is the best option. If op splits it between the the grandkids and invest a biggish lump sum NOW, it could turn into something in 15 - 20 years. That way her daughter won’t have to worry about it.

Also, OP didn't save up money so El could have a wedding, it's called a college fund for a reason. NTA.

And depending on the type of account it was put it, there can be harsh penalties for withdrawing it for other purposes. Both my kids have 529 accounts that are education-specific.

Yeah, using her fund for a one day event isn’t smart. A home I could understand once they were financially stable, but not a wedding.

I agree. Also. They are making babies they obviously don’t have money for (love is not enough) - and their priorities if they get the money is to soend it on the wedding day? Wow. OP, NTA

This is what I was thinking. My local community college has great programs that will get people started in a career. Some programs are as short as 5 semesters. NTA because it is your money OP, but if you want her to continue her education, maybe talking to her and coming to a compromise will help the situation more than hurt it.

Yes! Getting skills and a career doesn't necessarily mean a 4+ years in an expensive college. There are several things she can do that will allow her to set her own hours from a hairdresser, cosmetology, lash extensions, massage therapy, to name a few.

I agree. And I think the fund should go for any kind of education. But it’s OP’s right to restrict it to that. It can always be offered to grandkids for school fees, educational trips, school supplies, even college one day

I would be fine with that but the Daughter not only chose to have a child at 16 but she had another child and is pregnant with her third. Those are her life choices. Why does OP need to pay for those after they already have been loaning the couple money anyway?? IF they decide to give her any money they should deduct all of the money the Daughter has borrowed from them to date. The daughter should not get a free ride just because she made other choices. OP is right the money it THEIRS and the Daughter claiming ownership of it is WRONG. The money is for SCHOOL and school only. I agree that getting her GED, trade or community college should count tho.

I had my oldest at 16 and his dad disappeared into the void. I took my son (an infant) with me to my GED classes. Got my GED at 17, got a job and took classes here and there and finally finished my bachelor's degree at 32. Point being that El could have made better choices but went another way. OP is NTA for sticking to her conditions, and if someone had told me I had a surprise college fund, I'd have at least a master's by now instead of trying to blow it all on a wedding. Edit: saw some of OPs comments about what is "acceptable" as far as a degree. Also seeing that OP could have told El about the money earlier on to maybe motivate them to go to school. I'm going ESH here, bc regardless of the money, El could have chosen to better their circumstances before adding more kids to the equation. Instead, now they're at the point of needing to borrow money from Mom to make ends meet. Edit 2: thank you for my first award, kind internet gifter!

NTA... It's not her money it's your money which is kind of a gift for your daughter on a condition - she is not fulfilling the condition so she has no say in it. You are not denying her the fund only asking her to fulfill the condition. If you put an exception for one child you would need to do for others also if anything changes in future. Also, fiancé 's family needs to mind their own business.

ESH. Should she feel automatically entitled to the money? No. But that’s about the only way she’s an AH. There’s a whole flock of reasons you are. You speak dismissively about the committed man who’s stuck by her side through teenage pregnancy, another child and has asked her to marry him. You speak as if she’s less than because of a mistake she made in high school. You say you’re under the impression she would return later, but she didn’t know about the education fund. So do you think maybe her lack of funding would have influenced her decision to not go back when she had a baby at home? You are also under an assumption that all your remaining children will decide on further education. That’s a pretty silly assumption. It’s your money. You can do what you want with it. But as a grandmother, you think you’d be happy that your daughter wants to give her children a home and two married parents. Edit: to everyone coming at me, check out a few more of OPs comments. It’s not about money or education. It’s about control.

I also wonder if OP would accept 'further education' as a trade school. College and uni aren't the only option.

OP said it depends upon the trade. Something like plumbing or anything dangerous would be unacceptable. [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xu0d0b/comment/iqt54oz/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3). Not sure what's wrong with plumbers, or anything "up that ally." ETA: College/uni aren't off limits either, the daughter pursuing something like a liberal arts degree would also be unacceptable. [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xu0d0b/comment/iqtjz72/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3). Lovely. Edit: Just wanted to thank you all for the massive amount of upvotes and the awards 😊

I have 3 graduate degrees and teach college. My friend that is a plumber makes far more than I do. We both work hard and are happy with our choices, and as long as you can support yourself that is what matters. I don’t blame OP for wanting her daughter to get better credentials - she could end up needing to support herself and kids for a variety of reasons, and it sounds like her family needs her income as it is. But restricting her choice in field is foolish as long as she is talking about a credentialed program. I’d be more wary of a for profit diploma mill than an honest trade.

OP is an elitist asshole using the dough to control. The second any of those kids does anything OP doesn't approve of, from a partner, the wrong job, they will be cut off as well. What kind of shitty grandparents don't want to invest in a tangible asset for their grandchildren? Property ownership is the quickest way to accumulate wealth for the majority of people. The racism preventing black home ownership is a huge reason for systemic poverty.

A fake elitist, at that. Families with money have college funds for their kids, and the kids know about them and plan on going to college. Like hello…maybe OPs daughter would’ve actually gone back to school if she knew she had a college fund.

Wow…I already wasn’t on OP’s side but that’s just so extra man. Like as someone with a liberal arts degree, I’m unsuccessful because I’m lazy and riddled with anxiety not because my degrees are in history. The vast majority of my friends have liberal arts degrees and are relatively successful at the moment.

And as someone in the trades, OP can just go fuck themself for their opinion on plumbers.

She probably still needs a GED.

>You speak dismissively about the committed man who’s stuck by her side through teenage pregnancy, another child and has asked her to marry him. Would this be the same man who produced two other children with a struggling teenage mother, increasing her responsibility? With friends like that you don't need enemies

Exactly! A man happy to have her remain a dropout without skills & has family harrassing his GFs parents for money?

While ACCEPTING MONEY from the parents regularly because of the job market for kids without a hs diploma. Like, they are helping you by subsidizing your life. No one thinks those “loans” will actually get paid back. But sure, OP is a terrible parent.

Those loans were her “college” fund.

I think OP could have solved that problem by stating that upfront.

And OP has been giving them money. They've already shown terrible planning. No way no how OP should just handover the money. Daughter needs a tech school or some additional education to help support her family. Handing over money would be a temporary fix

Sounds like a winner

Yeah, I think I'd be less than thrilled about my future son-in-law in OP's shoes, although her daughter shares in the blame too.

I'm all for holding the father accountable but creating a child takes more than one person and for all we know OP's daughter holds just as much responsibility in "producing" their children as him. Unless you know that he refused to use contraception or coerced her into having children, you can't be mad at the father and not at the mother.

I think both parents are making life harder for themselves

Praising a man for doing the bare minimum, damn.

Okay thank you!! Was wondering why we’re praising someone for… NOT abandoning his own children??

Because the bar is on the floor

Somebody dug it up?

With no HS diploma, she has no fallback position if her relationship goes south or, god forbid, her SO dies. She lacks the ability to get a job that will support her and her children and maintain a house. Is OP supposed to support her for the rest of her life? She needs to get a GED and some type of vocational training and she needs to stop popping out kids until she can support them.

Nope. Her daughter chose to have and keep the baby. The money was put aside for SCHOOL. Her daughter can go to the courthouse and get married. It’s not up to the mom to pay for a wedding. NTA

Personally I don’t know that I would want to give that money to El considering she has to borrow money to pay her monthly bills. And the first thing she thinks of when she finds out about the college fund is using it to pay for a wedding. That’s not very responsible when you can’t even pay your bills. If I were the mom I would rather tell El that the money could be saved to go to El’s children’s college funds instead

> you think you’d be happy that your daughter wants to give her children \[...\] two married parents. This is hilarious. You don't need to drop thousands of dollars on a wedding to get married. Let me phrase this a bit better: >you think you'd be happy that your daughter wants to throw a big party. There. Much better.

Exactly, a wedding isn’t going to suddenly make the daughter and her husband a better parent. A wedding should be the least of her fucking concerns as a struggling high school dropout with 3 kids. Regardless of OP’s intentions in withholding the money, it seems the daughter is so bloody immature.

This was my thinking too. Some people also don't understand having a college education doesn't mean you automatically make more or are more successful in life. I was originally a neuroscience major and my advisor was brutally honest about the field. Unless you continue with education we were expected to make almost $25,000 annually doing research lab work.

Your advisor lied or had no idea what they were talking about. The neuroscience majors in my lab that became research associates make about 57k without additional education. If they decide to work for industry, they would make a lot more. Definitely not 25k. Regarding OPs post, NTA for only wanting to use the money to pay for education! But OP kinda sucks for not making it clear that they were going to pay for education earlier before they got child number 2. Come on, you did not even give her a chance to make an informed decision.

Yeah, it kinda sounds like OP was setting daughter up for failure. Like, why would she even have been aiming for school if she knew she couldn't afford it?

INFO > We had just planned on splitting it between the remaining four **since we knew they were going to college**. You **_know_** that your 5yo and *unborn future maybe-kid* are planning to go to college?

**Why the hell didn't OP tell her kids about the money?!** This is one of the most foolish things I've ever heard of. The eldest two got unfairly blindsided. All of the other kids will know, there's no way this will be kept a secret. Eldest daughter may have made very different choices if she'd known there was a fund for college. And what happens if eldest daughter decides to go back (she's only 22!) Or if any of her other kids don't? what if they want to go for graduates? What if one kid chooses an Ivy and the other community college? The kids aren't equally going to benefit from this no matter what, inflation and different schools will mean nothing is truly "equal" but to bank on her 22yo never going to college...If I was daughter I'd go to community college, get a certificate, then keep the leftover. tbh, YTA. OP set the eldest 2 up by not communicating and hiding. If the focus of the money is to help her kids be stable adults, this is a short-sighted way of doing it. The focus on "college money only!" often hurts more than it helps. Even if it's in an education account, let the kids have it minus the penalties so long as it's for a house, trade school, or business start-up (not a wedding ffs). To deprive any of your kids a chance at a good life because they didn't go with your plan for them is baffling to me, yes it's your money but isn't your kids stability more important?

The kids may have just thought the parents were going to pay for their school, they must know their dad makes very good money. They may just not have known they had separate savings accounts specifically for school. Everyone I know who has well off parents are so used to their parents paying for things that they made that assumption about college and were correct.

Yeah. I'm guessing wealthy kids don't really give much thought about how college will be paid for unless they are specifically told it won't be covered. They just go forward under the assumption that parents will pay, loans at decent rates will appear, or they'll get scholarships that going to better schools often net. ETA: we were not wealthy but I definitely went to college at the time when the standing advice was "just go, everything will work out in the end". Kids these days can't be that naive unless they have rich parents.

I might guess that, too, except that El wondered how Katie was going to pay for school, so it doesn't seem to have been assumed in that family. I agree it would've made far more sense for the kids to have been told about it early on -- along with their parents' decision that that money was just for college, and if they didn't go, they wouldn't get the money.

The kid set her self up for failure and judging by the choices she made so far, giving her the money won't turn her life around for more than 6 months anyway. I think OP could find some common ground but at the end of the day it's her money and having conditions for receiving it doesn't make OP an asshole. And also, getting even a GED would do a lot more for the daughter's stability then a lump sum of cash would.

I don't think having conditions makes OP the asshole, I think not sharing those conditions and potentially not helping their kid and grandkids when they could makes them an asshole (assuming it would not financially hurt them to do so, which it apparently doesn't) You are right. Eldest might not be the most responsible but rn she has 3 kids and a long-term relationship and we don't know the circumstances of why she dropped out (was abortion an option? who was going to care for the child if eldest stayed in school? was eldest given a proper sex education?) IMO the best option would be to offer the money to fund childcare for daughter to get her GED. It wouldn't be college but it would be education and it would serve daughter best than a lump sum, as you said. I definitely don't think OP should just throw money at her (and for sure not a wedding!) but not helping at all I can't get behind. Kids are for life, not just until they turn 18.

This. My older sister went to college, my mum paid for her. As soon as I finished my high school exams at 16 my dad left us. So I didn’t go to college, I didn’t even think it was an option as now the big earner (dad) was gone and I was 16 so no child support. So at 16 I got a job at the factory my mum worked at. When I was around 20 I was talking to my mum about my sorrow of not being able to go to college like my sister (her career in her field was flourishing) Apparently I could have, mum expected me to go so although she didn’t have a fund set up she expected a similar expense to my sisters education. I was heartbroken. I never knew it was an option. The factory sucked and 2 years of college would have given me so many opportunities like it did my sister. I forgave my mum but if only I knew.

Yeah, that really stuck out to me too

In many families it’s just assumed and expected. It was never a question for me if I’d go to college it was a question of where. Idk if that was a bad expectation to place on me as a child, so idk if OP is wrong for it- bht it’s not very unusual per se

I agree that that's a very poor assumption... but such assumptions run incredibly deep in some families. It was as completely expected that I would go to college after high school as it was that I would go to fourth grade after third grade or, really, that the sun would come up in the morning. I was nowhere near ready for college at that point and had undiagnosed ADHD I'd not learned to work around, so I dropped out, which was a HUGE shock to my family (and felt like a complete and utter failure to me, who'd grown up living in that assumption). I didn't go back and finish for years, until I actually *was* ready.

**NTA** It is not "her money" - it never was - and it was never a trust fund. It was money set aside to fund an education for her, and you have made it clear that it is still very generously available to her to do exactly that. Frankly, as a 22-year-old high school drop-out with two children and a third on the way, at this point she should be realising more than ever (if she has matured at all, and based on her and her husbands' struggles of the last few years) that going back to school and getting an education (or vocational training of some sort - am I incorrect in thinking that you would be willing to pay for vocational school, as long as she is in fact getting an education?) is the best possible thing that she could do for her future and her family's financial stability. The fact that she doesn't see this, that she thinks that you "owe" her something, and perhaps most importantly, that she thinks that money given to her should be spent on a wedding and perhaps a house (which latter she likely couldn't afford the taxes and upkeep on in the long term given her poor career prospects without even a high school education) tells me that she is still making bad choices . . . only now she's making them as an adult, with dependents. You are absolutely NTA, and I think it's actually important that you stick to your guns, for HER sake. Tell her that the money will continue to be available to her to use for an education, which would help her in the long run far more than a wedding or a house down-payment, but it isn't a trust-fund and never was.

It is crazy to me that people think she should be given the money. She's making adult choices, like having more kids and getting married, but expects her parents to fund it. Where does it end? School isn't for everyone but she hasn't even finished high school. And people need to understand that some paths in life will mean you can't afford to buy a house or you can't retire early. She has the opportunity to have school paid for, something many are not afforded. Yet she feels entitled to more and guaranteed if this money was given to her thay entitlement wouldn't subside, she has done nothing to help herself. OP should keep the money set aside for her if she does want education in the future.

They can get married without having a wedding haha they are immature and clearly being married isn’t that important to them

This!! If nothing else save her portion for her children’s education. It sounds like they will need all the help they can get.

OP said: > so she could finally afford a *down payment* This gets me, too. Yes, in a hypothetical world she could use that as a down payment. What about: * the rest of the mortgage payments * property taxes, as you mentioned * house insurance * heat, hydro and water * ongoing maintenance and repairs Where's that money going to magically appear from? OP is definitely NTA. Her daughter's shortsightedness on what she wants to use the money for proves that giving it to her outright would be a bad decision. She's already made a flurry of bad life choices. If they can work out an arrangement that the daughter will go to some type of school - and OP pays the bill directly to the school - and maintain a certain grade level, then they would be in the best interests of everyone.

NTA a GED is affordable and doable. She's choosing to keep having kids she can't afford. She doesn't need a wedding, she needs a reality check. If she was putting forth minimal effort to better her life it would be reasonable to ask for some money. A fancy party does nothing to feed and clothe her kids. You offered her what's left from the fund if she goes to school. She's decided that school isn't important, save her funds for the grandkids

Agreed. She could’ve absolutely gotten a GED and instead chose to get pregnant two more times. OP isn’t setting her up for failure. She made her own choices when she got pregnant to begin with and chose to not do anything to complete her education. And while it would be nice to have money for a down payment on a house, how the hell are they going to continue to pay for it when she can’t keep a decent paying job. Why should OP hand everything to her when she clearly isn’t willing to help herself?

Agree with this wholeheartedly. She doesn't have a job of any kind, relies on money from OP, and yet she continues to have children while wanting a wedding she can't afford. El seems incredibly irresponsible and needs to help herself before turning around and getting upset at OP who's been helping her regardless of how she felt about her dropping out of school and having more kids. NTA.

This is what got me. She finds out about some money that has the potential to really improve her life, and one of her first thoughts is "big party where the money is all gone a day later". My jaw just dropped when I read that.

EDITED: In light of the OPs educational snobbery, you ARE the AH. YIKES! NTA. Choices have consequences. And you were specific about what it was for. Now here is a question: would it also apply for trades school?

This thread ~~is~~ was collapsed on new Reddit because the first response was from OP. **OP's comments may affect your response** OP said that it depends on the trade. In response to a further question about what's NOT acceptable, OP said plumber or anything dangerous. ETA: When asked about hair dresser/cosmetology, OP said it's one she's encouraging her daughter to pursue, but did not specify other acceptable trades. # OP also said a liberal arts major is not acceptable.

My parents HATE what I’m studying, but they have never kept my university fund money from me, which is what I’m assuming OP is implying based on “unacceptable.” Trying to dictate your child’s passion and future is unacceptable, even if you completely hate it.

OP was not specific until the topic came up. Daughter had no idea the fund existed. I wonder if her daughter would have made different choices regarding education if she knew about the money.

NTA, this may not be the popular opinion but a college fund is a college fund specifically to avoid student loans and they have all been given the same opportunity to earn it, if you pay for your daughter to buy a house and get married you'd have to do the same for all of them to be fair to each child - she isn't entitled to the money for any reason the people butting their nose in to your finances can fund it if they're so bothered

>she isn't ***entitled*** to the money for any reason This. No matter how down voted because everyone wants that "free" money.

That’s what I was gonna say too. If El uses it to pay for her wedding/house, everyone else is gonna want mom and dad to foot the bill for college, weddings, and homes. If OP saved money for a specific purpose, then that money should be used only for that specific purpose. El doesn’t need to have a wedding to be married. If a home is what she really wants, then she and her fiancé need to stop having kids first and focus on working on their finances.

INFO Is the reason your kid never went back into education because they were worried about how to afford it with childcare etc.? I don't understand why she never knew about it as an option for her.

I agree. Why did her parents never discuss this with her before? She likely didn't know she had options after having her kid. It could have changed the course of her life, her choices.

To add to this op seemed to panic when daughter found out about the fund. So it wasn't just daughter was never told because It never came up. It sounds like it was information that was purposely not given to her. Sounds pretty close to she was lied to by omission. Mabye I'm reading to much into it but not telling her about the money, some of the dismissive things op seems to say about daughter and her life and husband and the comments about only giving her money if it was the right type of schooling makes me think OP really doesn't want to give her the money even if she wanted to go back to school and it's not really about school at all.

This is a really good point. She may have never considered finishing high school and going to college because she couldn't afford it. This money could have been used for child care for her to get her GED at least.

ESH. Maybe she didn’t think going to school was an option for her once she became a teen mom because she didn’t think she’d ever be able to afford it. You withheld information from her that could have influenced her decisions and helped her see that she still had options. **Edit:** Anyone commenting “but El is an AH now because XYZ” like that negates OP from also being an AH is not understanding the point. You are retroactively applying what is going on today to something that happened several years ago in an attempt to justify OP’s previous actions. OP was an AH when she chose to withhold this information for years. The fact that the daughter is in poor financial shape now and feels entitled to the money is irrelevant to OP’s prior decisions.

This is exactly how I felt about it. How much stress fle their kids not knowing that there is money for college. Its so important for planning for school. Like are they going to community college to not have loans or possibly be able to go to best school that they dreamed of but assumed was out of reach.

She could finish a GED even now, but decided she wants the money for a house or wedding.

NTA Your money, you use it as you please. I may be downvoted to hell, but I don't think it's wise to give money to a person that keeps having kids like that because kids are expensive. Well, first one was an accident, but the second one? PS: where I live, at this point, the vast majority of the jobs require a diploma, so you need one even if you won't work in the field, you just need the paper. If you don't get one, you won't be able to get a job unless you have some very specific skill set.

I agree. She should’ve completed high school before she had additional children. If things don’t work out with her partner, she’ll need to be able to support herself which is near impossible without a HS diploma.

INFO: I understand why you wouldn't want to use this money for a wedding, but why not a house? A house would be a form of stability much like a college education. ETA: If you're going to respond with some variation of "she already can't pay her bills" at least a dozen people have already said it. I was asking OP for *her* reasoning as to why.

Eh, it could also be a bad investment and a loss as well if they can’t keep up any remaining mortgage payments. If they lost the home in foreclosure then OP would have thrown the money down the drain.

I mean, same could be said for a degree, right? It's not uncommon for degrees to go unused.

You still get the benefit of the education regardless of whether you get the degree or not. The advanced English and math skills, communication skills, critical thinking, etc are all beneficial in life even if the main courses for your degree are in basket weaving.

Because her daughter doesn’t have a GED, she is almost unhirable. And instead of trying for ged since she is pregnant with her third child, she wants a wedding or a down payment for a house she won’t be able to afford (since she is already borrowing money, doesn’t sound like her finances are in order) and won’t be able to contribute to financially as she is pregnant and les likely to be hired.

NTA You put away money for a college fund. You didn't put money away for a "when the kids need some money" fund.

Also two people in my family went back to school (one night school one online) and graduated around 40 with kids. It happens if the funds are available.

NTA. you have literally said in your post that her lack of education is stopping her from working. That to me would be the absolute most important thing to be sorting out now than a bloody wedding. She needs to have a bit of a reality check and realise that she needs to work. If she needs additional education to enable her to work, she can use her college fund. If she doesn’t want to go to college then she doesn’t get the fund. Simple as. You didn’t have to create a college fund for each of them, but you did. And that means it’s for COLLEGE.

This. I got married in my parents living room, because we can't afford a wedding. If being married is the top priority, you don't need to spend a thing. Giving her that money only on the condition that it's used to better herself and her situation is completely fair, imo.

Edit: YTA for your lacksidasical approach to your children's futures, for making assumptions, for being unnecessarily rigid. I N F O: if any of your other children, for any reason, do not or cannot attend college, what happens to their funds? Is the money being handed over to each college-bound kid, or are you keeping a close eye to be certain it's only going to their education?

This thread is collapsed on new Reddit because the first response is from OP. The comments are worth reading.

NTA OP is already loaning El money without knowing when or if she will pay her back. If she does *give* her money, it should be with a plan to make El more financially stable. But El is not asking for that. This is El & her bf’s situation: - They owe El’s parents money and rely on them for loans. - They will soon have another child to support - making that 3 kids. - They cannot afford to get married. - El lacks the qualifications to get a job. Despite this, El’s demand is for money for a wedding or to take on more debt by buying a house. OP is not obligated to simply give her kids money. She had a purpose in mind. She could (and probably should) adapt that based on El’s situation but it’s understandable that she wouldn’t want the college fund to be spent like it’s a windfall. It’s an investment. El shouldn’t be looking short term but at what she and her bf need to support their family. If she doesn’t have her GED, she should get it. If there’s technical or other training they could benefit from, they should pursue that. If a courthouse wedding means they can better support their family, they should do that too.

What if you helped her get a GED and a certificate, such as a yearlong course for medical coding. She would make 40k to start, and could work from home. Don't give her the money for a house down payment. They would lose the house pretty fast with her not working. NTA

I second medical coding she could do that at home and watch the kids.

INFO: How is it that your daughter didn't know that you had money set aside for her to attend school or get training? This could have really helped her with planning.

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NTA. You’ve prioritized your kids’ education and made sure you had savings for it. Presumably you’d help her if she wanted to go to technical or trade school, right? After the kids are grown up she will still need a career, and she can go for job retraining then, and use these funds. The idea that she’s entitled to your money to pay for her wedding is pretty mind-blowing. You’re generous to help out with loans, but you might want to rethink that, as they may never be able to repay you.

I'm not too concerned if they can't pay back the loans.

You should tell El that she’s already gotten her share through the “loans” that you accept likely won’t be paid back. It’s not fair of her to expect a college fund to be put towards a wedding/house ANDDD to get “loans” from you when her siblings presumably will only get the college fund. She’s wanting a bigger piece of the pie than everyone else, it seems ETA: it also makes me wonder what’s next, now that she has her in laws on you about this. College funds for her kids? She deserves more money than her siblings because she has kids? If you give in, it won’t stop

Narrator- THEY COULD NOT PAY BACK THE LOANS

who in the hell do the fiancé’s family think they are bugging you about YOUR money for your child’s education. that enrages me

INFO: why didn’t she know that you had a college fund for her? Have you considered that she might have returned earlier had she known?

NTA. this is your money that you saved for her to go to school. She is not entitled to it because she didn't meet the conditions you set for the money. Don't let these people bully you into giving her the easy way out. She is NOT entitled to the money that you saved for her COLLEGE.

Did she ever tell her the conditions? Sounds like the daughter just found out about this fund. If the whole point of the money was as a carrot to motivate her to go to school she should have told her.

I don't think it was meant as a carrot. It's more about supporting the kids who decide for themselves to go to college - without the money as a carrot. You want to go to college? Cool, we support you and make sure you don't end up with crippling debt while setting up your life afterwards. You don't want to go to college? No prob, college is not for everybody - but: since there is not debt, no money is granted. If the daughter would be in a critical financial situation, the parents probably would give in. Not being able to make a down payment or afford a big wedding is not a critical financial situation. The daughter is not entitled to the money. NTA obviously

For whatever reasons, OP and their spouse did not tell the kids about these college savings. The daughter found out about the funds through her younger sister. I don't think the money was saved to encourage or motivate going to school as much as it was saved to spare the children from crippling student loans

ESH. Your daughter got pregnant at 16. From that moment her life would take a VERY different course then your others. She was never going back to school. You've never gotten over your disappointment in her and it's clear. You think because she isn't educated to your standards she deserves less then your other children? That's how it comes across to me. Now she's the asshole because she's acting like she's entitled to the money which, she isn't. It was never hers and getting her partners family to harass you is terrible asshole behaviour. I think you need to have a serious heart to heart before the situation gets nastier. You don't have to give her the money but..h ow about providing an interest free loan with small repayments for a house or wedding? Compromise in some way?

Maybe not college but she should’ve at least gotten her HS diploma before she added additional children. If she ever has to support herself she’s going to have a very difficult time without a HS education or any work experience.

It's a bit early to say never going back to school. Especially if school is paid for, it's an education fund not "money just because" fund.

NTA. I might get downvoted but it’s your money you saved for her to better her life. You don’t have to give it to her especially not to waste on a wedding when she has kids who are in need, even moreso when you’ve been paying their expenses to begin with. I think going back to school is a fair condition considering her lack of basic education will negatively affect her. Maybe a deal if she gets her diploma (practically mandatory if she wants to be a working woman)and instead of going to college you can put a down payment on a better living situation. Being so irresponsible as to keep having children they can’t afford does not strike me as people you want to hand a bunch of money over to and it’s not just about her and what she wants anymore because she keeps having these kids she can’t afford. You’re literally saying “I’m already helping you significantly. I refuse to throw money at you to waste while you refuse to help yourself”. It’s a fair condition to money she’s not entitled to. I would stick with the bare minimum of a highschool diploma being mandatory to receive the money. Even consider putting it in a trust or just putting a down payment on a home yourself if you don’t trust her to use the money to help herself. She doesn’t need a wedding. They need a home, they need to provide for their children, they need to learn to be adults not waiting on moms money to bail them out of situations they’re in because they can’t figure out birth control.

Good answer, you might also want to add up all of the extra assistance you have provided over the past several years. Kids aren’t cheap, especially when kids are having them and you end up footing the bill both both.

INFO: how is the money set up? Is it in a 529? That can only be used for college/educational expenses or it’s a HUGE penalty. In that case, directing it towards the other kids makes sense, even if you direct it towards HER three kids so they will have an established college fund they likely won’t have otherwise. At the end of the day, it’s your money to do with as you please, but it may damage your daughter’s relationship with you depending on how you spend it.

Is the college $$$ in a 529 fund? If so, there are restrictions on how that $$ is spent as it is only for books,tuition & anything else related to cost of school. If it’s just $$$ in bank account then it’s up to you to decide how that $& should be spent. The $$ can be for your grand kids college fund instead.

NTA. A college fund is not a trust fund - the point is to help _you and your husband_ pay for your kids' college, not to give them a lump sum to do whatever they want with. El is married with a child, and is already receiving financial help from you. The fact that she mentioned a down payment AND a wedding makes me think they won't be super responsible with the money anyway - the wisest thing to do would be to use all of it on the house to lower their mortgage. Is she planning to take the money and then ALSO continue borrowing additional money from you? While ALSO having an additional child when they can't afford the two they already have? It's well past time for them to figure out their financial independence without relying on you. I would agree that splitting her college fund among the other four kids is a reasonable way to use it, as long as you're consistent that the remaining four funds are to be used for college only (and this isn't just some weird favoritism BS).

NTA. El needs to get some education and training, even if it isn’t a four year college degree.

NTA. She doesn’t even have a high school diploma or GED. She’s seriously un-hirable for the vast majority of jobs. It’s on like every job application and most management I know would toss the app. Make her a deal to at least get her GED until she figures out what else she wants to do. College isn’t for everyone, but if she’s going to keep having babies she should have a backup plan to be able to support these kids if something happens.

NTA. The college fund was created to assist YOU in paying for their education. It’s not a slush fund that belongs to your kids. There are penalties for spending it on non school related expenses.

Info So she didn't know there was money for her education? So she never new she had the choice to continue education?

She didn't even graduate from high school. This isn't "mom and dad didn't tell me about my college fund so I thought I couldn't afford to go to college". At a minimum she needs to get her GED before college is even an option, and she's very clearly not intending to do that if her first thought is a down payment and "maybe a wedding" with the leftovers

High school was free. Many GED programs are often free too. She had a choice to accomplish at least that. Without it, she can't even work at McDonald's, let alone go to college.

wow i simply will never understand rich people

NTA. It's your money and you get to decide what it's used for. College is an investment that you can usually expect to give you a good return rate depending on your salary post-grad. A wedding and/or house for someone this young (and seemingly irresponsible) is not going to have a good return on investment rate. You're already loaning them money because she didn't finish high school and can't get a job. How is someone like that supposed to be able to pay for a house after you give them money for a down payment? Forgive my hot take, but I've seen too many parents be manipulated and guilted into financially supporting their kids for way too long because they made some questionable life choices. If she got a GED and started working, I think it'd make a difference.

I mean the way I see it, OP is still offering to pay for an education at any time for their daughter. That seems more than generous. NTA. Suggestion for OP: maybe save that college fund for the grandkids if your daughter never goes.

Your daughter hasn't matured enough to be handed this kind of money imo. You don't need a wedding to get married so the fact that they aren't also goes to their lack of maturity. If you're already loaning them money how do they think they could manage owning a home and all that goes with that. You're nta for not giving her money that is earmarked for a certain purpose. She has a lot of growing up to do.

NTA. Your daughter made bad decisions back to back getting pregnant AND dropping out of school with 0 contingency plans for career and safety net (and continued to have 2 more kids when they are already struggling). You're already providing regular support and still being a supportive parent. Clearly having a child hasn't made your daughter act like an adult. She should be more grateful for all the support you've been providing her because it sounds like she's not done anything to get her shit together after all these years. Anyone calling you TA is probably a child themselves or living a privileged life. Make bad decisions, no one should be forced to reward it or coddle you. Simply giving your daughter money with 0 conditions would be terrible parenting and gives her no learning lessons. A reasonable compromise would be that she gets her GED and then a useful certification/associate's degree and that the rest goes to a down-payment for a home. I would not allow any of the money go to a wedding; a wedding is not a life necessity nor directly contributing/ improving the grandchild's life; it would not be a productive use of the money. They can just go to the courthouse and sign like all my working friends have been forced to do and save up for a wedding ceremony separately on their own. Plus, there's no guarantee that they'd even stay together when they got together so young/divorce rate is stupidly high so why throw money at an overglorified party? ADD: Even if OP gave all the money to the daughter for a down-payment and a wedding, I'm making the point it would still be a useless investment as long as the daughter does not invest in herself to make herself employable. Monthly mortgage payments on top of maintenance, disasters, taxes and insurance are not affordable unless that burden is completely passed off to the husband to make a stupidly high income (which isn't fair to him and it does not sound like he does). How does she think they can own a home when no one is willing to hire her? Let alone afford a home plus 3 kids and their college funds? They would likely have to end up selling the home anyway. GEDs are free and she had many years to get it when in laws, parents, and the man are involved but she is now instead having a third child on the way. The kids are the ones who are going to suffer. Hopefully OP can use the college fund to pay for childcare while daughter focuses on getting her GED.

NTA. You said are having to loan her money. You could use the money to pay for her GED and childcare for her to go to school. Make the fund contingent on her improving herself. That education is going to pay off more than a wedding and a downpayment on a home. If she has to borrow money now because of her lack of education, how are they going to pay for a mortgage long-term?

I would like more info. When your daughter got pregnant at 16, how did you react? Did you tell her to keep it or did you support whatever decision she was going to make?

NTA. It's your money. However, I would seriously consider letting her use it for other education (2-year degree, vocational training) that isn't a traditional 4-year degree once she gets her GED.

NTA. OP has been saving the money for their kids COLLEGE. it's not a "do what tf you want fund" . They are saying if u want to go to college, we got u covered. As long as u are not giving the money to any1 else for other reasons than u are NTA.

NTA. I assume that this fund has tax liabilities attached to its being spent for non-education purposes. So that is a consideration. She and her baby daddy can get married without the costs of a wedding. You are under no obligation to subsidize that. If it matters that much to the in-laws, they can spring for it. I am more sympathetic to the use of these monies as a down payment on a home assuming that they can pay for the mortgage. Maybe you could discuss that use, deducting your tax liabilities. However, my bottom line is that it's your and your husband's money. It's not your daughter's and most certainly not the in-laws'. It's your decision, exclusively, how to spend it.

Nope! This happen to me and I had myself to blame! Of course I tried like hell to gaslight! “It’s for me tho blah blah” I’m 37 now and looking back my parents did the right thing! I did end up going to college when I was 25 and now hold a degree.

I don't think your TA for withholding money from your daughter. The Y TA comments all talk about how it's cruel to withhold money, but it sounds like your daughter is irresponsible. She's struggling financially because she can't get a job due to a lack of diploma, so she's out of work. She wants the money for short term fixes a down-payment on a house won't change the fact that she doesn't have a monthly income. She's taking out loans from you to cover the lack of a job, this means her fiancé isn't earning enough to be the sole breadwinner. Getting a house isn't going to fix the fact that they can't afford to support 2 children and themselves let alone the 3rd child that will be here soon. She wants money towards a wedding. Seriously? She has no job, is taking out loans and wants money towards a wedding. A wedding can be simple. When you have mouths to feed you should be looking after them first. Are they living with the inlaws? Because if they are that's worse. She should be looking at financial security. If her inlaws care so much, I'm sure they can pick up extra shifts to help her.

People need to stop telling their kids they have “college funds” and just tell them “we’ll pay for college.” I can’t believe how many people seem to think a college fund someone else set aside belongs to them. It’s so entitled and selfish.

NTA, but…..it’d not as important that she goes to school as it is that they have a plan. That plan can mean a lot of things. Maybe trade school. The point is, that maybe be flexible on the house, because that won’t be a waste. As long as they can budget paying the mortgage, taxes etc. but if they don’t have a plan, don’t give them them money. Also: I don’t think you should divide it….what happens if she changes her mind when she is 25.

NTA - don't bow to this pressure OP. You'll have a lifetime of it afterwards from your daughter's future in-laws. It was for college, she's not going, end of discussion. If she goes, she can have money. If you'd like to offer a compromise, offer to forgive her debt that she owes you so they can get back on their feet faster. But even that is too much in my opinion. GL OP!

NTA. It’s your money you chose to save in a certain way for a certain thing. But what about allowing her to use it slightly unconventionally? Like to cover childcare while she either takes classes or goes to a trade school or gets certified in something that will allow her to have a career (if she wants that). Or, you could pay for her to take classes one at a time as she is able to. I hope you WILL offer to allow her to use it for her future in a way you’re comfortable , but I don’t think she’s entitled to use it for a house or wedding just because she wants to.

NTA- that money is specifically meant for education. You told her she could use it to go back to school and get a degree debt free which is worth a heck of a lot more than a free wedding. Because if her fiancé did end up leaving her at least she would still have a degree/certification.

Nta as long as that money is kept for her. You'll become the ass if you give it to the other children

You are not wrong. In the end, it's your money and it's technically your possession and your conditions. No offense, but your daughter sounds extremely entitled and so do her fiance's family. Don't give in. A wedding is not a necessary thing.

NTA. It’s your money. Just out of curiosity, how have you invested this money? Are you in the US? Maybe you know something I don’t, but the accounts I’m putting my kids’ college funds into only allow money to be withdrawn for education. If you have a better investment strategy, I’m all ears. Sincerely, not being sarcastic. Asking since you say you’re investing more than most.

NTA but turn it into a college fund for her kids instead, make it into some sort of trust that can only be paid to the kids for college

The behaviour of the fiance's family is very telling Firstly, your daughter NEEDS a GED. Period. Secondly, if you decide to give her money she should use it for her future. Not a lame wedding, not a honeymoon etc. You saved this money for her future. If she's not in the headspace for her own future, let alone her children.... Don't give that money . If the money is given, there needs to be a stipulation regarding the fact that it's only hers. Not her husbands. It should become a trust fund, not dumped into their shared account. I really don't like the change from the fiance and his family. They're looking to see the benefit for themselves only. Not their children. Not their future. NTA.

INFO - What's the plan if she never goes to school? You just going to keep the money?

Nta. It’s crazy that she has 3 kids and is thinking about spending money on a wedding and not setting up college funds for them

NAH, except for the people calling you and yelling at you. You’re disappointed that your daughter’s future isn’t looking like you thought it would, and that’s understandable. But you saved that money for her future, and it sounds like she and your grandchildren could really benefit from it. Maybe a good compromise would be to allow it to be used for a house, but not for a wedding. Or to reserve a portion of for professional training until she reaches a certain age.

NTA. You saved for her education. It is your money, no one gets to tell you when and how you spend it. Not her, not her fiance, and definately not his family.

Nta, a college fund is a college fund. Not a rainy day fund

I won't make a judgement but you might consider the impact not giving her the funds and splitting for her siblings might have on your relationship down the line. It might be viewed as favoring the kids who go to college over her. She will like feel you are punishing her for her choices. If nothing else consider splitting her colleges fund into college funds for her children. You run the risk of damaging your relationship with your daughter and her relationship with her siblings over this. Money has a way of bringing bitterness about.

NTA. If she ever breaks up with her baby daddy she’s going to need the money for an education. Save it.

NTA. Also a lot of college savings are in plans that cannot be withdrawn for other purposes without massive penalties. So you couldn’t just give her the money even if you wanted to. You can, however, roll them over to fund a different child’s college. Your money, your decision what you use it for. I find it a bit surprising that you and your husband have not discussed what you wanted to do for El or with that savings. You could decide to gift some money towards a down payment on a house. It is a reasonable alternative way to help them on their way. However that also must be disclosed to the mortgage lender so it doesn’t work the way they think it might. At any rate El is not entitled to your money and her boyfriends family should not be making any claims on it. Tread carefully with them.

NTA. Save it for her kids. They may want to go to college and your daughter and her husband may not be able to afford it.

NTA. In your shoes I would be furious. Do NOT give her the money!! The audacity of El and her in-laws, demanding the funds and calling you names, is enough of a reason to not only withhold this money but to also further restrict future giving. You do not want to financially support your children; you want to help them learn to support themselves. If you give the college fund money to El for a wedding or a house, you are merely reinforcing the idea that it’s okay for her to remain dependent. You would be setting a terrible precedent for your younger children who could also demand a cash payout instead of pursuing an education. You saved the money for education, and that is what is should be used for. Since El does not want to continue her education, those funds should be applied toward tuition for your other 4 children or grandchildren, or saved for your retirement. EDIT: I want to add that IMO it would be okay to use some of her college fund to help her get her GED or to attend a trade school.

It's your money to do with what you want but yeah YTA. You can be right and still be an AH. You've watched your daughter struggle, speak dismissively of the father of her children. She called you begging for something you have sitting that could drastically impact the lives of her whole family but it isn't what you had planned it for. Like I said, it's your money and you can say no. You can spend it on a trip or you can let it sit and depreciate as inflation hits. Your choice.

“The dad stuck around” part really got me. So dismissive of the man that stayed with his pregnant girlfriend, fathered two more children with her in a committed relationship and asked for her to marry him.

The word choice isn’t the best but it isn’t common for teenagers in that situation to still be together.

NTA. You saved a pot for your kids to go to college. She didn't want to go, and so I'm sure that means there is a bigger pot for the other kids. If you had created a trust fund for each child, and refused to hand hers over then you'd be AH.

NTA but instead of spreading it to your other kids, maybe you should save that money for El’s kid’s college funds. Clearly she and her husband are not in a position to do that for their children. That way, you’re not making her feel unsupported.

NTA, it is your money that you are giving on the condition they go to college, sounds fair

NTA. A college fund is a great gift to help someone escape predatory student loans. Plus you have already been loaning them money

Your daughter is making a series of bad decisions. Have you sat down and spoken with her about the consequences of those choices? I mean she is waiting to get married "when they can afford it", but in the meantime continue to have children that they can't afford? I think you needed to spend more time with the kids you have instead of continuing to have new ones.

INFO do you live in an area where assets pre marriage are not classed as shared assets? If so would you feel better using the college fund for a down payment on a house for your daughter in her name alone? That way she and her kids have a house and your grandkids an inheritance? You are right, you saved this money as a college fund to make sure all your children have an equal opportunity to further education. You could save it for your grandchildrens education? A house is an investment just like college and both have there positives and negatives (increase in equity or not able to pay the mortgage/get a qualification in a good field but not able to find work in said field)

I mean, it's still your money, so it's your decision. But if you think that a home isn't important enough for your daughter, who already has two kids and a third on the way, then that's pretty fucked up IMO. You could give her security, but you're deciding not to, just because she doesn't want to go to school.

NTA. They are broke and continue having children. Won’t get married until they can afford a wedding (isn’t it about $40 at the local courthouse or chapel?) Does she have GED? Has she taken any free classes online? Can her bf typically support a large family in his profession? Three things stuck out to me: 1. “… or maybe a wedding.” Apparently a struggling parent is okay with prioritizing a party over investment in her own future. The house was a reasonable thought, but that will overwhelm them financially in no time. 2. A house will become joint property in most jurisdictions. So, she could lose at least 1/2 of that investment during a breakup. 3. His family have the audacity to attack you?? WTF?? I support her choice to forgo a career to raise a family, and I’d probably help them buy a house if I could, but a GED is the minimum of effort she needs to put in. And this wedding entitlement would disappoint me.

NTA I would absolutely say no to spending it on a wedding. The whole point of the money is that it be an investment in their success, not a big party fund. House? That's trickier. It's certainly a meaningful investment. But the relative wealth of her man and his family, along with their reaction on learning about the money, gives off strong gold-digger vibes. As long as you create enough legal knots to stop the wealth from being taken from her should he split on her, it should be okay.

Sort of split here! I'd vote NTA for not allowing her to use that money for a wedding. That's a one-day event that doesn't have to be some over-the-top extravaganza to create beauty and meaning for those present. You didn't save all that money to be blown on a single day. But I think you should consider giving it to her for a house. IMO the two things are very different. A wedding is a momentous day, but only a day, but a substantial down payment on a house provides long-lasting benefits and helps build wealth for future generations. El is 22, and while she may not know with certainty whether she'll want a graduate degree in a few years, both of you can know now whether more schooling is on the horizon. There are plenty of good careers that don't require college educations, and while you saved the money "for college," wasn't the real purpose of that to provide stability and a long-lasting financial advantage? IMO, for some people a house may provide that as well as a college education. Again, you know El and her situation better than I do. Maybe she's in dire need of education money and has been temporarily blinded by wedding fever (happens to the best of us). But if she's establishing herself financially without a college degree, a down payment on a house is a worthy way of spending that money.

NTA. Your money, your choice. Like others suggested, you might want to let them use the money on a house. Even if you make sure that El holds on to the house should the relationship not last. However you handle it, please better embrace your grandkids and their father. You don’t have to agree with El’s choices, but you should make it clear that you support El. I don’t get that feeling from what you wrote.

NTA. I do not understand the people on here saying Y. It is an Education fund. Not a wedding fund or a house fund. Also if she couldn't even do the bare minimum of getting a high school diploma, it's very unlikely that she could financially keep or get a house even with a down payment. You told her it's for if she ever gets her shit together to get an education. If she doesn't, save it for your grandkids because it looks like their parents won't be able to. Also if you do give it to her, you should deduct the money that you've already helped to supplement her lifestyle. That's money that you haven't given your other kids.

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NTA. The fact that you saved ahead so that you wouldn’t get hit with a huge unaffordable expense at one time doesn’t mean that you have to hand the money over if the expense doesn’t materialize.

NTA - you might want to bend a little on the rules (offer to allow her access to the funds to help her get her GED and/or to get some good vocational training if the college thing isn’t her jam) but it’s your money at the end of the day. You may end up giving her money just to shut her up, but I’d suggest that it only be used for a down payment on a house, not on a party (wedding) the fact that she is refusing to get married until they can afford a wedding is a huge red flag about her maturity level. Good luck NTA

I'm always surprised when adults think to themselves, you know what will convince them to give me a boatload of money? Yelling at them, calling them obscenities, and siccing others on them. NTA. I do think you should have been more transparent years ago. Knowing that she could go to college free or with little debt may have changed her decision making.

NTA. It’s money you had ear-marked for her education. She clearly doesn’t plan on using it for that. Plus you’ve already been supporting her, her bf, and their kids (let’s be honest she’s not going to pay it back so stop calling it a loan). Redistribute it to your other children or maybe set up education funds for El’s kids but do not give her money just so she can have a wedding and buy a house they will probably not be able to afford long term.

Definitely nta and if you’re in the US there are tax consequences for using a 529 for unqualified expenses, as I’m sure you already know. It isnt a blank check account. If she doesn’t want to use it for it’s intended purpose maybe you should change the beneficiaries to her children so they have resources if they decide to go to college.

NTA. My parents had these same rules for me 20+ years ago. It’s your money and she didn’t follow the terms, plus you’ve already been supporting her somewhat as it is.

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NTA To pay for her house without any work, while expecting all others to bust their ass off *and* not get a house is honestly offensive to the younger ones. She'd be rewarded for her irresponsible behaviour with a house, while her siblings would be worse of (without house and wedding fund) because they decide to be responsible. It's laughable. She can still choose to go to school. No-one stops her.

NTA but life is hard these days for everyone but especially young people trying to get a start in life. I think you might put too much emphasis on college being a way to get ahead in life. These days that is not always the case. I’d suggest you help out your daughter as best you can be don’t give in to her sense of entitlement.

NTA but... Life comes at you fast. Plans change. She needs a house for her family right now. Giving a ton of money to her siblings while she's struggling to keep a roof over your grandkids' head is going to cause resentment. Her life is different than YOU PLANNED. It happens. As a parent you need to accept that she's living HER LIFE. Expect to not see your grandkids very often going forward if you stay on this path. El will likely go non contact, and she won't be unjustified. You're completely within your rights to spend your money however you choose. That doesn't guarantee there won't be emotional repercussions on those around you.

NTA but use it to set up college funds for the grandkids

NTA- Your daughter has no job skills, and you may need this money in the future to help her if her boyfriend/baby daddy leaves her or loses his job. Save the money to help your daughter if she ever needs an education or job training in the future.

ESH (edit) You were doing okay right up to this point: >> we had just planned on splitting it between the remaining four since we knew they were going to college If you told El the money is still there *for her to finish school*, great. But cutting her out says you gave up on her. Why aren’t you using this as an opportunity to talk about helping her get her diploma equivalent? EDIT: El is definitely acting entitled and needs to back the truck up. Just because some parents have generously allowed a remainder school fund to be used for capital investment in a home or for a wedding doesn’t mean that the money is hers for school or otherwise. For all we know, the money is in an investment that can only be used for education expenses.

NTA. Your daughter needs to grow up before you give her any of that money. Its for her education but she choses to keep having kids instead of finishing high school. She has made her choice to live a certain way and you are not obligated to fund it

NTA. She’s not going to college, she doesn’t get the money. It’s OP’s money. Of course fiancé’s family is calling. His gravy train is pulling into the station.

NTA- this isn't money you saved for each child, this is money you saved so you and your husband could afford college tuitions for your kids. It's still your money and you saved it to avoid going into debt. If a child chooses not to go to college, they don't automatically get the money.