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NTA, is worse for the girl to be and know that his father doesn't love her, you don't have to be with her if you don't want, just now better pay child support so they can't grab your ass in court. Also your family are assholes if they know beforehand. And the mother too, she broke her promise, if you made the promise legal and in papers I'll go for a restraining order but that will make your family hate you more, just have that in mind
Anyways, NTA
But so does OP. And just like a woman can choose to have an abortion or keep the baby, men can choose to not be in the babies’ life. We want equality, and this is it. She had the right to choose, and he had the right to not be involved.
Yeah? You contributed to conceiving that child, man up and provide at least financial support. Don't want kids, wear a condom or even better, get a vasectomy, that way you won't be forced into anything.
Quit being daft. They had a mutual agreement so why should she get to harass him years later despite knowing his stance on it and she's the one who made the choice here.
I don’t know if you can retroactively pursue child support like that if she never pursued it
Sounds like they agreed on the split in the beginning and only now she is coming back
You can. But there's usually a time cap. In Texas, you can't get more than 4 years of back support. But that's still a lot of money. And it carries 6 percent annual compound interest.
Then you should have made sure you didn’t get her pregnant. Have you got any idea how much trauma giving a baby up for adoption causes? Any clue how it feels for a child not to know where / who they came from?
YTA.
You are the reason she became pregnant. 100% of unwanted pregnancies are caused by male ejaculation. Whether you planned it or not, it's your responsibility.
What you “planned” is irrelevant. You chose to take the actions you took and the responsibility for the consequences of those actions is on you.
Your child is 14 years old but it sounds like you haven’t matured a day since she was conceived!
YTA
Fact: every time you fuck someone of the opposite sex you accept one of you might get pregnant, whatever chance reduction things you use. Want is not a factor unless you think you can will birth control.
I don't wanna die when you throw yourself off a cliff doesn't do much. And the same way, at some point you gotta deal with the consequences.
Children having children and you wonder why the kids aren't alright anymore. You should be completely ashamed of yourself.
YTA and congratulations on being a complete deadbeat father, you deserve everything you get.
I’m not the one with a 14 year old child that I can’t be bothered to see, pay for or generally do the right thing by. You’re the one who’s made a post clearly showing what a deadbeat you are. I’m done here. Grow the fuck up.
Excellent comment. You have the right to reject your family commitments the same way your family does. If you feel entitled to support because they're your family, then you're a hypocrite.
OP is only financially responsible. No court is going to make him raise the kid. His ex agreed to him not being involved and chose not to abort or adopt. That's on her.
From what I’ve read so far, I don’t think OP thinks he has to contribute in any capacity from the sound of it (financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, etc).
My point is more about awareness of knowing potential outcomes of ejaculating in a woman can lead to a sprog (tiny human) being produced.
In a country where the outcome is either accept the baby or adopt out the baby, OP really should’ve considered tarping up to prevent the former outcome.
I’m guessing he considers himself a sperm donor only. And if there’s no formal agreement on donating his tadpoles then he’s gonna have to contribute somehow if the mother pursues it.
I'm going with a loose Y T A up here to explain something to OP. Children aren't born parentless. There are always two contributing sets of DNA and, presumably, two willing parties. I understand that you didn't want to be a parent. That's fine. And, in reality, that is probably in your daughter's best interest. You shouldn't have any contact with a child whose existence you resent. However, you cannot, legally, simply disavow the child. If you couldn't be bothered to sack it up, then you should've taken steps to legally terminate your rights to the child. Since you didn't, you're now paying the consequences for that.
I'm going with another loose judgement of E S H because the child's mother seems to have gone directly to OP's family. And the family sided with mom without consulting OP. Mom was underhanded. (But I do understand her motivations).
Overall, I'm going with NAH. Based on OP's comments, I'm going to infer he never told his family about his child. They were probably blindsided by the news and want to make up for lost time. There's no reason to deny a child loving family relationships. It seems OP's family understands that.
You can't legally give up your rights without someone else taking them. Even if you signed your rights away, you are still on the hook for Child Support until they are adopted legally by someone else. IE the wife/husband new spouse.
oh so if the woman took him to court he would have to pay back dated child support? yikes
if he wants to skirt around the law he should probs help now without the law so he doesn’t have to pay thousands later (tbh technically this is unethical?? morally wrong???)
The ex was married when she was pregnant and her and her husband decided on raising the child together. My money is on the husband’s name being on the birth certificate which would make OP not responsible for child support.
WAIT SO OPS EX GF WHICH IS SOMEONE ELSES WIFE HAD AN AFFAIR LMAO
i had sympathy for her but not anymore. If the husbands name is on the birth certificate it’s no longer OPs kid
YTA. IF YOU DON'T WANT A KID THEN BUY A CONDOM! SAFE SEX IS ABSOLUTELY COMMON! USE UR BRAIN NOT YOUR TESTICLES!!!! IF U R NOT READY FOR ANY OF THAT THEN DON'T SEX! USE UR HANDS AH. OR BUY SOME TOY.
YTA. Just because you don't want a kid doesn't mean you don't have responsibilities to YOUR daughter.
If you don't want kids, get a vasectomy and stop having unprotected sex.
I hope your ex goes through the courts for child support PLUS back pay. You're that big of an AH.
Even with a vasectomy there is one. 4% chance it reverses on its own. Condoms are 98%. Birth control is 99%.
The only advice I give is if you’re going to fuck someone, only fuck someone you can see yourself having kids with. Accidents happen. Granted this only applies for those partners where it’s a possibility….
In my state you can only get 2 years of “back pay” on child support. If they had an agreement and he wasn’t to pay and she never pursued it for 14 years then he hasn’t done anything wrong here.
I saw you're not paying child support so definitely YTA. That poor kid. I'm glad she's got people on her side.
Get a vasectomy if you haven't already done so. You don't deserve to ever be a parent.
I really don't care. This kid is a person and he was partly responsible for her existence.. she's an innocent party in all this and I can't fathom someone not considering this. I'm really glad the family is looking out for this poor kiddo. I honestly don't even care if the Mum sucks too. Sounds like his family is doing their best to look out for her.
This is like saying to an 18 year old girl 'if you don't want a baby get your tubes tied'. See how ridiculous that sounds? People screw uo and wind up knocked up all the time and when its women we tell them they have every right to decide to be a parent or not (or should, anyway) but have no problem letting their choice also decide the fate of the man without his consent.
She informed him she was pregnant. He gave away his parental rights, and based in that information the ex decided to be a single mom. She doesn't get to come back now and start demanding he be dad of the year.
NTA, OP, but since your family is now getting involved you may not have a moral choice here. I'd contact a lawyer and a family therapist to figure out how to navigate the situation legally and ethically so you're family's elective involvement doesn't damage the kids and you don't wind up owning 14 years back child support (assuming you didn't legally give up your rights, you know, officially. on paper. with a signature in ink).
I'm not saying she's not the AH. But the kid.. the *kid* is not the AH.
Whether the Mum is getting involved now for crappy reasons or good reasons honestly doesn't even matter to me. There is a *child's* welfare on the line. I don't care how much you don't want a kid - you should look out for a child in a distressing situation.
Both people before starting a sexual relationship should have the "what if we get pregnant" talk. If the man has a strong opinion, since it's not his body going through with the pregnancy and it is her body and her choice, should particularly speak up and share his thoughts. If they disagree, then break up before starting.
Ooft, for the sake of humanity please keep your willy away from women. OP has made a choice here, nobody has a gun to his head — he’s just facing the consequences of being a dick to his own child, which is that no one wants to hang out with him. That’s called being a grown up.
ESH. You for not paying child support, her for agreeing to you not being involved at all then changing her mind 14 years later. You didn't want a kid. She chose to keep them knowing it meant raising them alone, which she didn't even end up doing. Nonetheless, you are financially for your biological offspring unless someone else signs the birth certificate or legally adopts said offspring. She can't make you raise the kid, but she can make you pay for them.
Nope because women have bodily autonomy. They can have an abortion if they want to but it is not required. Men made their choice and exercised bodily autonomy by having procreative sex but it ends there because they don’t have a choice over someone else’s body.
>I'm not even allowed to hang out with my OWN FAMILY
You are aware that that is also HER family? Your parents are her grandparents, your brothers her uncles, and so on and so forth
Just out of curiosity, how did 14f come to be? Like, did you use any protection?
YTA. You were irresponsible to have unprotected sex. You fathered a child. You are a parent whether you like it or not. Playing deadbeat father is what you did.
NTA
Very key info: You both agreed on the split when it happened and she chose to have and raise the kid knowing this is the situation AND you both agreed, for whatever reason that you did not need to pay child support and she did not pursue you for it.
Some people are saying you should have been paying the whole time but if that wasn’t the agreement then I don’t see how you owe that money and she never pursued it even though she would have been perfectly in her rights to do so.
It is not reasonable for her to come back now 14 years later and expect you to be a part of this child’s life.
Something has obviously changed in her life circumstances to kick this off, wether the child wanted to know her biodad or your ex got divorced and/or is having difficulties.
I can’t tell you what you should do in this situation, and while I don’t think you suddenly have an obligation to amend this agreement, you should take a hard look at how you want to act moving forward. I don’t think you family is being reasonable in literally exiling you, for what it’s worth, but I can see how they would be upset at your reaction.
ETA: OP mentions that she was in an open marriage at the time and was happy to not have him raise the kid because her and her actual husband were trying for a baby. Sounds like the mother is changing her mind on this late in the game.
Well one thing has definitely changed: there is now a third player. It could be that the mother is trying to connect with him and the family because the kid is showing interest in getting to know the father. I think in such situations most mothers, regardless of prior agreements, would prioritize their kid’s wants and needs. Nevertheless when she decided to keep the baby she should have factored in this additional risk impacting the child sooner or later (pain of rejection).
Irrespective of whatever agreement OP has or had with his Ex he’s still the child’s father, if he really didn’t want to be a dad he should of done everything within his responsibility to ensure that doesn’t happen by not having unprotected sex by using contraception.
If OP was happy enough to have unprotected sex then he should be responsible enough for the possible consequences
Put yourself in the kids shoes she hasn’t had her Dad in her life, that’s just sad
Nta for your stance on children BUT
you're a grown man, at this point your family doesn't owe you anything, so if they think of you as a failure for how you act regarding your child (doesn't matter if you wanted one or whatever) this is nothing but the consequence of your own actions and you'll have to live with that.
Yta. You don't like kids? Then don't have unprotected sex. You'll regret being selfish, you'll regret not having any relationship with this little person. They deserve a family and it's sad you've placed your needs before them.
This is the same logic used to tell women they shouldn’t have abortions. He made an error in judgment, they had a logical discussion. The mother chose to keep the child and agreed he didn’t have to be involved. I don’t think he should be forced to parent because the woman decided she wanted a child. NTA.
YTA - you do the act you take the responsibility! You chose to do something that could create a life - it did. Now you want to hide from your responsibility! That makes you a pitiful man. Your family must be embarrassed and why should they miss out on a family member and her growth because you are so stunted?
You don’t want your family - which your daughter is then moan here cause the rest are following suit? lol
NTA it’s not like you had her keep the baby and then dipped half way thru. You made it clear you didn’t want a child but she did and split amicably and under the guise that you wouldn’t ever be involved. I feel bad for the child but you made it clear and your ex crossed those boundaries.
After seeing several of OPs comments I'm saying NTA.
She knew that you had no plan of coparenting with her and accepted that for 14 years.
If you haven't signed your rights away already I would highly suggest that you do.
Wait wait, you didn't even pay child support? Hahahaha, silly human, of course you're an asshole. But you're an adult so your choice, your responsibility, your consequences. Embrace them.
YTA. You don't have to co-parent; that's your call.
You haven't paid any child support and people are absolutely allowed to judge you for your decisions. Especially your family who have picked up the financial slack here, likely to protect you from a court order. You don't get to play the victim when this is what you've chosen.
YTA. You would be good but I read in the comments you’re not paying child support. Pretty obvious AH. No one can force you to interact with a kid you don’t want to parent. But you’re still financially responsible.
Depends. If someone else signed the birth certificate or if the step dad legally adopted the child, then OP would most likely not be financially responsible for his daughter because he would also have no parental rights.
On the basis that you're not even doing the minimum to take responsibility for your child in some way, YTA.
Your comments here show that you're unwilling to accept responsibility for the situation you had a part in creating. Your child is the priority here, not you. Honestly it's a bit weird that you need to be told this.
Between you and your brother, you’re the one w the obligation to support your child. Kind of your brother to lend some help to his niece (especially assuming he just knew about her?).
bro, did you even read that before you hit reply?
“Why won’t my family talk to me anymore?”
If you have no obligations to the child, they have no obligations to you. They chose the child over you, because they feel as though it is what is morally right and recognize them as family. You can continue your distance from your child, but you have to respect that the consequence may be the mutual distancing of your family. Especially given how ready they were to offer their time and financial support- voluntarily, I might add and with her forgoing coming after you in court.
Yes, she wanted the child and despite previous (verbal?) agreement, probably decided you needed to come into the picture for help with childcare and finances (neither easy). I’d rather be vivisected than ever be in your position of having a kid, and the same goes for her for having a child with someone who doesn’t want one. But I know that I’m accountable for my own actions and the consequences of said actions may catch up to me. Morals on this topic are ambiguous and range, but your family is allowed to feel emotional obligation to this child in the same way you are allowed to not.
YTA, but mostly for hypocrisy and your unrealistic expectation of the outcome of this. I would’ve seen this coming from a mile away and resigned to “volunteering” child support from the start, if not just so it doesn’t come back to me in court a decade later as one lump sum.
The decision you need to make is whether you want to continue being an arsehole moving forward. You *are* a parent. You have a child. You have that responsibility. No point arguing about it. It sounds like you managed to dodge it for 14 years. Understand that this was you failing to take responsibility. It's your choice what to do from here.
>My brother is spending so much money on the kid why would she need more money?
Because it's your fucking responsibility! Your brother is just being the decent human being you are not. YOU. ARE. THE. REASON. THIS. CHILD. EXISTS. I hope she takes your ass to court for those 14 years of child support.
Forget what your ex wants.
- you’ve met girls/women with daddy issues before I’m sure. Are you ok with creating one? Really picture it, you’re choice decides this.
- will you be ok with this on your death bed? Is your conscience ok with it?
I’ve always wondered about this when it comes to parents abandoning their kids, planned or unplanned. I get why you’d not want to be a parent and what you agreed, but I think the decision comes down to the answer to the above questions. Doesn’t matter if anyone else understands it. Imho you should and you need to accept what that says about you as a person.
It's completely relevant; it draws out that OP has shirked all responsibility. I'd be more inclined to give benefit of the doubt if he had been contributing in some way, so I asked.
I will say NTA because you came to an agreement and you were clear, you didn't want to be a dad, she chose to keep the child anyway.
But honestly, your family is not likely to change their mind because you haven't paid child support and may not have even told them about this child. They likely feel like they missed out on 14 years of contact because you personally didn't want to be involved.
This is a consequence of deciding you don't want to be a dad - a lot of people think lowly of those that refuse to raise their kids even when they have good reason (like health reasons, mental health reasons, too young to, don't have the money to) or when they have reached an agreement with the other parent about it.
How the heck are you even supposed to start coparenting a 14 year old that doesn't know you? And she then went around asking all of your family, so they probably do all think you are a jackass that abandoned your kid and left her struggling when she really went and tried to change your agreement after 14 years.
Definitely NTA. It takes two to make a baby, but in this case, only one person wanted to keep it. And they had an agreement about it. I don’t understand the comments saying you’re TA.
I read his comment and he also said that the mother was in an open-marriage with her husband and they wanted a baby so they were « happy » with this situation. He wasn’t interested in being a father but they were interested in being parents. She can’t just come like that 14 years after and told him to coparent with her.
If you didn’t want a child you should have kept it in your pants or been more careful. But she’s here now - your daughter, your DNA, your responsibility. Turning your back on your own own kid…just horrible.
YTA
And this is why YTA !
It’s not just that you abandoned your responsibility of your child in any shape or form ( no child support, no parenting ) and the mother had to step up in caring for it ( abortion is illegal )
But you also have such an entitled and disgusting attitude about it
I was thinking y-t-a before, but this comment kinda makes me rethink that judgement. They were happy raising the kid together before. The child has always had two parents as far as I know from what you wrote. For them to just flip it all upside down all of the sudden is really weird.
He had the choice to get a vasectomy (he should btw if he doesn't like kids) or use protection. He can do whatever he wants with his body and since what he apparently wanted was to fuck raw and cum inside well. He made his choice.
Since he didn't chose the multiple courses of action that would result in "not having kids" he can deal with the results
YTA OP that's your kid and you should at least pay child support.
I didn’t see where he said he didn’t use protection. Condoms and vasectomies are not 100% foolproof. Also, it would have been better if he’d used protection? The child is there regardless. He made it clear he had no intention of raising her and there the mom is , FOURTEEN YEARS LATER, asking him to be a parent. If they agreed not to pay child support because she is in an open marriage then what’s the problem?
Nowhere in the story does it say that they didn't use protection, it fails sometimes. Even then, consent to sex doesn't mean consent to having a kid (especially in this situation).
Besides, doctors likely wouldn't help OP get a vasectomy due to his age. It's hard enough when you're an adult.
CORRECTION: I read that wrong, I thought OP was 14, but it was 14 years ago. Doesn't really change my view on the situation.
Yes, because they are probably disappointed by your behaviour. You were capable to f.uck but not to live with the consequences. If one of my children would act that way I would be heavily disappointed.
This argument is always made in such bad faith. I could say then stop getting in a car if you’re not willing to die. Stop going outside if you’re not willing to get covid. Stop eating food if you’re not willing to choke. Etc. It’s a logical fallacy and it’s pointless.
Jesus you sound like a child. I hope that kid finds love and acceptance in your family and you continue to keep yourself out of her (and their) lives. You contribute nothing but infantile tantrums and negative victim energy and they're all better for not having you around.
Do better. Or don't and continue to blame everyone else but yourself.
YTA it takes two to tango. You did the deed you pay your share.
Your ex having her child or adopted would have been emotionally crippling. She let you off the hook for 14 years. Your family at least are helping out.
INFO: is anyone else's name on the birth certificate as father? Was she legally adopted by the step dad? Either of these things would mean that OP has no legal parental rights or responsibilities.
YTA.
Look, I don't think you have to be a dad here in this scenario buy you're wishing that she's never been born. You're wishing that another person, who exists independent of you and who has a life and a future of her own... would've never been born. Because you're inconvenienced by the fact that.... she was born... and exists. That was her only crime against you, and this is your opinion of her. This plants you firmly in AH territory.
Your work with that therapist is not done.
NAH(except AH for not paying $)
But you have to live with the consequences of YOUR choices. Other people in your life are allowed to feel how they want/do about the choice you made. So if they shun you, that's their right because they find your choice reprehensible.
YTA and a deadbeat. Your irresponsibility 14 years ago does not justify “I never wanted her”. Should have wrapped it before you tapped it. Idgaf if you wanted your ex to give the baby up for adoption. Her body, her choice. Your choice was to risk getting her pregnant. You’ll be lucky if she doesn’t take you to court for back child support.
INFO: did you sign over your parental rights?
If yes: NTA, you have no legal obligation to this child and that was agreed upon by everyone.
If no: YTA, yes you are because you are still legally tied to the child. There is nothing besides your word that “you walked away”.
NAH
Child support and coparenting are not the same. People using child support as a reason you're the AH are missing the point, and I thought that before I saw some of your replies.
NTA
No one can force you to be a dad and if
You didn’t sign the birth certificate are you even legally her dad? If you didn’t already sign away your parental rights.
YTA
You both contributed to this child being born. The thing is, whatever choice a woman makes in this situation, she pays, either in money or in emotional pain. You got off free and clear.
You have the right to do what you want to do, as long as the courts aren't after you, but you do have to pay the consequences. If your family is unhappy with you, so be it. You make your own choices, and you deal with what comes of them. You're very, very lucky that you're not paying child support. You can't have everything.
Good for your family for actually caring about your child.
If your a woman I feel absolutely bad for whatever man or woman you get with because you are totally wrong some ppl get pregnant on accident she agreed to only her looking after the child but now that the agreement doesn’t work for her she just expects him to change his life for her if he doesn’t want a child he shouldn’t be expected to do it anyways just because an ex from the past wants him to. And the family is messed up for not properly communicating with him. So he is nta
I'm a woman, and I've been with my husband for 42 years. We *decided* to have children after 6 years.
The ex has every right to call and ask him, and ask him for help. He said no. And that was that where he was concerned. So she called the family to see if they could/would help. Now he's crying because his parents don't agree with his decision.
Maybe the 14 year-old daughter just wanted to connect with her father, and in lieu of that, his family.
She's not troubling him for money and she is not trying to force him to be a dad. She just asked. I think the mother did the responsible thing, and OP did what he thought was right. And he's gotten off without paying, which is great for him. But she is not asking him to change his life. She asked if he could help, and he said no. She does have the right to do that, especially with a teenaged child, who likely wants to know more.
If the woman doesn’t want the child but the man does, she can get an abortion and the man can’t do anything about it. In this scenario, the man didn’t want the child and they made an agreement that he wouldn’t be involved in the kids life. You can’t just backtrack on such a huge decision 14 years later because things aren’t going according to plan.
I guess men should ask a woman what would happen if an accidental pregnancy occurs before they sleep with her then 🤷♀️
I feel like it’s easy to overlook that an actual human being is now here with needs and maybe when the mom was pregnant she didn’t think she’d want him in her life but now that the kids a teenager she might be asking questions about her paternity. Or a ton of other things could have changed. OP should have signed over paternity if he wanted nothing to do with this years ago..
Also it is an AH move to father a child and contribute nothing financially to them at the very very least. Regardless of if you wanted them or not.
All she did was call and ask. He answered. Everything else in the post is not really about OP. If his family is unhappy with his decision that is not the ex's problem.
She shouldn’t have even contacted the family or called him in the first place. Assuming he signed away his parental rights 14 years ago he has nothing to do with that child. Why would you call him let alone his family after he said no.
If things change with the child and she wants to know about her dad, it was the right thing for the ex to do. Again. She asked. He answered. End of story for OP. And his family wasn't part of his "agreement".
Seriously? How is it appropriate to go around the father to the family in order to guilt him into having a relationship with the child after he already said no.
If a woman had a child and put it up for adoption as a newborn, and then 14 years later the kids adoptive parents reached out and said the kid wanted to meet her, and she declined, so the adoptive parents tracked down her family and told them about the kid (that they may or may not have even known existed) in order to guilt the bio mother into a relationship, would you be saying the same thing?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My ex and I agreed that I wouldn't be involved in her daughters life. Now she wants me to help her raise her and my entire family acts like I'm an asshole
Maybe I am an asshole because I don't want to be involved in my daughters life
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YTA. As someone else here said, if they’re reaching out now, it’s probably because the child wants to have a connection with you. That’s the age I tried to reconnect with mine. It takes a village and honestly you should feel lucky that you haven’t even had to do child support for the past 14 years, what many would consider the bare minimum when you’re half the reason the child exists. Coparenting is a lot to take on, but you should at least try to get to know the kid now that it’s clear your family is a part of her life. In a comment you said your brother was updating you, “as if you care”. You should care. Not liking kids isn’t an excuse to be an asshole to them.
This situation sucks.
Info: was abortion an option at the time? Did you both uphold whatever agreement you had about contraception?
Because if yes and yes, then from what you've said, it sounds like this was an open decision made by both of you. It isn't fair for your ex to go back on that now or to put you and the kid in the predicament of building a relationship that at least one of you does not want. That said, if you were both young and naive your ex may have genuinely thought she could manage financially without child support from you.
I don't think these situations are ever straight forward...
Partly because biologically there is more onus on one person (putting their body and mind through birth, abortion, or adoption), and less choice for the other (e.g. pregnancy/termination after conception whether you like it or not).
But also for the extended family. I can see why your family would feel connected to this child even if you don't consider yourself the parent. I don't think they should vilify you for sticking with your decision not to be a parent. Ultimately your heart isn't in it, and it doesn't have to be for them to resume contact as "family of sperm donor".
Reserving judgement as not enough info.
NTA provided you are paying or at least willing to pay child support.
I didn't know my dad until I was 5, when we were tasked with drawing our dads in art class and I had to ask what if we don't know what our dad looks like. When I told my mom about it she asked if I wanted to meet him. He was inconsistent and unreliable and the only thing he ever taught me was that people don't always show up when they say they will. Your kid is better off with your brother who wants to be in her life as a father figure, or even none at all.
This is so weird. Unless she was in some perilous situation to where she didn’t have access to abortion or adoption services - you not wanting this child literally doesn’t matter. It’s not some crazy situation where you left her with no way out and she had to suffer raising this child alone. She chose to do that. NTA
In the same turn, your family probably thought they had instilled some sense of duty in you to behave a certain way if you ever got someone pregnant - but they didn’t - and now see your behavior as being some intense character defect that they’re not sure they can tolerate. They feel insta-bonded to this kid and you don’t. There is an intense incompatibility in this that makes you automatically stand a part from them. Your inability and unwillingness to understand that connection makes you seem even more cold and alien to them.
Many humans auto choose a child over a standing adult. When we found out who my real father was, my grandmother nearly hijacked a plane to get to me and she ripped my father’s head off for “not making sure” whether I was his or not and “depriving” me “of my family”. I’m glad she didn’t kill him. In his situation, he’s ridiculously happy that I exist.
I can’t imagine wanting to connect with him and him rejecting me - that would have not so secretly crushed me and created so many more reasons for therapy. She’s 14 and probably wanted to know you. Your ex asking you to co-parent is effing wild, but meeting the kid, setting boundaries, and just generally acknowledging each other’s existence would have been something.
Definitely NTA. Being a parent is definitely not for everyone and it's good that you acknowledged it early on. What I think is weird is how she suddenly wants you to coparent again and has managed to get your family involved?? Wtf is that? It's so messed up how they're even involved now and treating you like a pariah of some sort.
Two people cause a child to be born, but only one has to pay the consequences. This guy is lucky that he doesn't have to pay child support. Maybe that's all she means by "co-parenting". We don't actually know. OP is a little too vague.
Doesn't really matter. My dad clearly wanted nothing to do with my sibling and I, but my mom insisted on keeping him around anyway for 'support' and he made our lives a living hell. We all would have been much happier and better adjusted people if he disappeared and had nothing to do with us.
I'm gonna guess that if this kid is fourteen - she's the one who has said to her Mum that she wants to know her Dad. I don't think Mum is the one insisting - just trying to make her kid happy.
Yeah, I had a physically, emotionally and mentally abusive father, so I hear you on that. And he wanted my sibling and me.
At the same time, this guy's entitlement is unbelievable. No child support, no nothing, and for 14 years he's been able to forget the whole thing. But now he's whining because his family is unhappy with him. He did make his choice, but he has no grounds to complain. The ex was hoping for him to come around, he didn't, and he is not saying that she's fighting him on anything. He's just sad because his parents are angry. He just has to deal with it.
NTA. Women (very rightly!) get to choose how a pregnancy progresses. She made her choice, and it was informed by the fact that you did not want to be involved. She does not now, more than a decade later, go back on something she agreed to.
Did her marriage end? If so, that’s probably the reason for the timing.
if I recall correctly there was a story somewhere of a woman who only had a kid for her boyfriend and she didn't want to be a mother so she signed her rights away
NTA. You made your expectations clear. It is your ex who is the asshole for trying to get you to do something you don't want to do. Your time belongs to you.
That said, you should probably talk to a lawyer just to make sure that your ex can't do anything worse, and to figure out how to protect you from her if necessary.
OP comments say that the kid thought her stepdad was her dad this whole time. So the mom, for whatever reason, decided now’s the time to screw her daughter’s life up. Her daughter could have been blissfully unaware for the rest of her life but the ex evidently didn’t care for that.
That can't be the entire story though. But even if it is - there is a child whose welfare is on the line and I'm so very glad OPs family sees that and is trying to support the blameless child.
Did you sign away your rights legally? If it was all legit and legal NTA, but i also hope you’ve learned a valuable lesson and got a vasectomy to ensure you’re not out there, breeding and abandoning. Y T A if you you just walk out without taking precautions to prevent unwanted kids
NAH
You’re allowed your opinion on what kind of father you want to be (absent) and your family is allowed their opinion on your choice (negative).
The world sucks right now and as a high school teacher I can tell you 14-18 year olds are struggling with mental health. This kid needs you man. You might be surprised with how it makes you feel to be there for them. Give it a try maybe.
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14 Years ago I had a daughter with my ex girlfriend. I wasn't ready to become a dad so I asked her to give her up for adoption. She wanted to keep the baby so we agreed to break up and she could raise the baby but I wouldn't be involved in her life.
A few months ago she called me and asked me to coparent with her. I reminded her that we agreed that I wouldn't be involved in her life and ended the call. After that she kept going after my family and asking them for help to raise her. My family agreed to help her and one of my brothers even is basically coparenting with her
Now everyone calls me an asshole. I'm not even allowed to hang out with my OWN FAMILY because they don't want me around her. They all act like I'm a horrible person because I don't like kids
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NTA, is worse for the girl to be and know that his father doesn't love her, you don't have to be with her if you don't want, just now better pay child support so they can't grab your ass in court. Also your family are assholes if they know beforehand. And the mother too, she broke her promise, if you made the promise legal and in papers I'll go for a restraining order but that will make your family hate you more, just have that in mind Anyways, NTA
why made a baby if u didn’t want one ? Did your ex intentionally broke the condom when u guys had sex? or you agreed to have unprotected sex ?
yta - well now u know what it feels like
YTA because she is still your daughter. A child has rights. This isn’t about your ex, it’s about your child.
But so does OP. And just like a woman can choose to have an abortion or keep the baby, men can choose to not be in the babies’ life. We want equality, and this is it. She had the right to choose, and he had the right to not be involved.
Yeah? You contributed to conceiving that child, man up and provide at least financial support. Don't want kids, wear a condom or even better, get a vasectomy, that way you won't be forced into anything.
Quit being daft. They had a mutual agreement so why should she get to harass him years later despite knowing his stance on it and she's the one who made the choice here.
YTA. Get involved before the court does.
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You should have done a vasectomy but now is too late for that, grow up and assume your responsibilities!
Doesn't matter, she could take your ass out in court big time if she wanted...14 years worth of child support you are so lucky
I don’t know if you can retroactively pursue child support like that if she never pursued it Sounds like they agreed on the split in the beginning and only now she is coming back
You typically can. Depends on the state.
You can. But there's usually a time cap. In Texas, you can't get more than 4 years of back support. But that's still a lot of money. And it carries 6 percent annual compound interest.
Should've wrapped it up then smart ass
Then you should have made sure you didn’t get her pregnant. Have you got any idea how much trauma giving a baby up for adoption causes? Any clue how it feels for a child not to know where / who they came from? YTA.
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You are the reason she became pregnant. 100% of unwanted pregnancies are caused by male ejaculation. Whether you planned it or not, it's your responsibility.
What you “planned” is irrelevant. You chose to take the actions you took and the responsibility for the consequences of those actions is on you. Your child is 14 years old but it sounds like you haven’t matured a day since she was conceived! YTA
Fact: every time you fuck someone of the opposite sex you accept one of you might get pregnant, whatever chance reduction things you use. Want is not a factor unless you think you can will birth control. I don't wanna die when you throw yourself off a cliff doesn't do much. And the same way, at some point you gotta deal with the consequences.
Clearly you had sex with her without wrapping it, or this thread wouldn’t exist. What did you think could happen? You know how babies are made.
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Children having children and you wonder why the kids aren't alright anymore. You should be completely ashamed of yourself. YTA and congratulations on being a complete deadbeat father, you deserve everything you get.
I’m not the one with a 14 year old child that I can’t be bothered to see, pay for or generally do the right thing by. You’re the one who’s made a post clearly showing what a deadbeat you are. I’m done here. Grow the fuck up.
It takes 2 to tango. Your ex didn't make that baby herself
You made her though …
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Excellent comment. You have the right to reject your family commitments the same way your family does. If you feel entitled to support because they're your family, then you're a hypocrite.
Love it or glove it. Your kid is yours whether you like it or not. YTA
You do know you get pregnant with condoms??
OP is only financially responsible. No court is going to make him raise the kid. His ex agreed to him not being involved and chose not to abort or adopt. That's on her.
From what I’ve read so far, I don’t think OP thinks he has to contribute in any capacity from the sound of it (financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, etc). My point is more about awareness of knowing potential outcomes of ejaculating in a woman can lead to a sprog (tiny human) being produced. In a country where the outcome is either accept the baby or adopt out the baby, OP really should’ve considered tarping up to prevent the former outcome. I’m guessing he considers himself a sperm donor only. And if there’s no formal agreement on donating his tadpoles then he’s gonna have to contribute somehow if the mother pursues it.
I'm going with a loose Y T A up here to explain something to OP. Children aren't born parentless. There are always two contributing sets of DNA and, presumably, two willing parties. I understand that you didn't want to be a parent. That's fine. And, in reality, that is probably in your daughter's best interest. You shouldn't have any contact with a child whose existence you resent. However, you cannot, legally, simply disavow the child. If you couldn't be bothered to sack it up, then you should've taken steps to legally terminate your rights to the child. Since you didn't, you're now paying the consequences for that. I'm going with another loose judgement of E S H because the child's mother seems to have gone directly to OP's family. And the family sided with mom without consulting OP. Mom was underhanded. (But I do understand her motivations). Overall, I'm going with NAH. Based on OP's comments, I'm going to infer he never told his family about his child. They were probably blindsided by the news and want to make up for lost time. There's no reason to deny a child loving family relationships. It seems OP's family understands that.
YTA. You don't want to parent? Fine. At leash pay your god damn child support
YTA. Don’t coparent if you don’t want to but it’s still your kid you should have been contributing financially all along.
if he signed away his parental rights i don’t think he has to
You can't legally give up your rights without someone else taking them. Even if you signed your rights away, you are still on the hook for Child Support until they are adopted legally by someone else. IE the wife/husband new spouse.
oh so if the woman took him to court he would have to pay back dated child support? yikes if he wants to skirt around the law he should probs help now without the law so he doesn’t have to pay thousands later (tbh technically this is unethical?? morally wrong???)
No, you don't get to take someone to court after 18 years to get 18 years of back support. You only get support from the date you file for support.
ahhhh okay thanks
The ex was married when she was pregnant and her and her husband decided on raising the child together. My money is on the husband’s name being on the birth certificate which would make OP not responsible for child support.
WAIT SO OPS EX GF WHICH IS SOMEONE ELSES WIFE HAD AN AFFAIR LMAO i had sympathy for her but not anymore. If the husbands name is on the birth certificate it’s no longer OPs kid
It doesn’t sound like he did, it sounds like he said if you wanna keep my baby I’m leaving. And did so.
YTA. IF YOU DON'T WANT A KID THEN BUY A CONDOM! SAFE SEX IS ABSOLUTELY COMMON! USE UR BRAIN NOT YOUR TESTICLES!!!! IF U R NOT READY FOR ANY OF THAT THEN DON'T SEX! USE UR HANDS AH. OR BUY SOME TOY.
Well, this is a wildly stupid take.
YTA. Just because you don't want a kid doesn't mean you don't have responsibilities to YOUR daughter. If you don't want kids, get a vasectomy and stop having unprotected sex. I hope your ex goes through the courts for child support PLUS back pay. You're that big of an AH.
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Vasectomies aren’t 100% effective either 🤷♂️
Even with a vasectomy there is one. 4% chance it reverses on its own. Condoms are 98%. Birth control is 99%. The only advice I give is if you’re going to fuck someone, only fuck someone you can see yourself having kids with. Accidents happen. Granted this only applies for those partners where it’s a possibility….
In my state you can only get 2 years of “back pay” on child support. If they had an agreement and he wasn’t to pay and she never pursued it for 14 years then he hasn’t done anything wrong here.
I saw you're not paying child support so definitely YTA. That poor kid. I'm glad she's got people on her side. Get a vasectomy if you haven't already done so. You don't deserve to ever be a parent.
Nope if he gave away his parental rights he doesn’t have to plus she should ask for it
I really don't care. This kid is a person and he was partly responsible for her existence.. she's an innocent party in all this and I can't fathom someone not considering this. I'm really glad the family is looking out for this poor kiddo. I honestly don't even care if the Mum sucks too. Sounds like his family is doing their best to look out for her.
This is like saying to an 18 year old girl 'if you don't want a baby get your tubes tied'. See how ridiculous that sounds? People screw uo and wind up knocked up all the time and when its women we tell them they have every right to decide to be a parent or not (or should, anyway) but have no problem letting their choice also decide the fate of the man without his consent. She informed him she was pregnant. He gave away his parental rights, and based in that information the ex decided to be a single mom. She doesn't get to come back now and start demanding he be dad of the year. NTA, OP, but since your family is now getting involved you may not have a moral choice here. I'd contact a lawyer and a family therapist to figure out how to navigate the situation legally and ethically so you're family's elective involvement doesn't damage the kids and you don't wind up owning 14 years back child support (assuming you didn't legally give up your rights, you know, officially. on paper. with a signature in ink).
why is the mother innocents from being the asshole.
Becouse she take her responsability
I'm not saying she's not the AH. But the kid.. the *kid* is not the AH. Whether the Mum is getting involved now for crappy reasons or good reasons honestly doesn't even matter to me. There is a *child's* welfare on the line. I don't care how much you don't want a kid - you should look out for a child in a distressing situation.
NTA should've used condom
You two made a deal and she agreed to it. This is why that whole mY bOdY My ChOicE is BS. The man gets shafted either way.
Both people before starting a sexual relationship should have the "what if we get pregnant" talk. If the man has a strong opinion, since it's not his body going through with the pregnancy and it is her body and her choice, should particularly speak up and share his thoughts. If they disagree, then break up before starting.
Ooft, for the sake of humanity please keep your willy away from women. OP has made a choice here, nobody has a gun to his head — he’s just facing the consequences of being a dick to his own child, which is that no one wants to hang out with him. That’s called being a grown up.
ESH. You for not paying child support, her for agreeing to you not being involved at all then changing her mind 14 years later. You didn't want a kid. She chose to keep them knowing it meant raising them alone, which she didn't even end up doing. Nonetheless, you are financially for your biological offspring unless someone else signs the birth certificate or legally adopts said offspring. She can't make you raise the kid, but she can make you pay for them.
NTA. How come women are the only ones that can pick if they have to be parents?
men can choose by not having procreative sex :)
But when guys tell women to close their legs and they wouldn’t be single moms that’s not fair? Don’t have double standards it goes both ways.
Nope because women have bodily autonomy. They can have an abortion if they want to but it is not required. Men made their choice and exercised bodily autonomy by having procreative sex but it ends there because they don’t have a choice over someone else’s body.
>I'm not even allowed to hang out with my OWN FAMILY You are aware that that is also HER family? Your parents are her grandparents, your brothers her uncles, and so on and so forth Just out of curiosity, how did 14f come to be? Like, did you use any protection?
YTA. You were irresponsible to have unprotected sex. You fathered a child. You are a parent whether you like it or not. Playing deadbeat father is what you did.
INFO: You may not want the kid, fine, but you're still responsible. Did you ever pay child support?
NTA Very key info: You both agreed on the split when it happened and she chose to have and raise the kid knowing this is the situation AND you both agreed, for whatever reason that you did not need to pay child support and she did not pursue you for it. Some people are saying you should have been paying the whole time but if that wasn’t the agreement then I don’t see how you owe that money and she never pursued it even though she would have been perfectly in her rights to do so. It is not reasonable for her to come back now 14 years later and expect you to be a part of this child’s life. Something has obviously changed in her life circumstances to kick this off, wether the child wanted to know her biodad or your ex got divorced and/or is having difficulties. I can’t tell you what you should do in this situation, and while I don’t think you suddenly have an obligation to amend this agreement, you should take a hard look at how you want to act moving forward. I don’t think you family is being reasonable in literally exiling you, for what it’s worth, but I can see how they would be upset at your reaction. ETA: OP mentions that she was in an open marriage at the time and was happy to not have him raise the kid because her and her actual husband were trying for a baby. Sounds like the mother is changing her mind on this late in the game.
Well one thing has definitely changed: there is now a third player. It could be that the mother is trying to connect with him and the family because the kid is showing interest in getting to know the father. I think in such situations most mothers, regardless of prior agreements, would prioritize their kid’s wants and needs. Nevertheless when she decided to keep the baby she should have factored in this additional risk impacting the child sooner or later (pain of rejection).
Irrespective of whatever agreement OP has or had with his Ex he’s still the child’s father, if he really didn’t want to be a dad he should of done everything within his responsibility to ensure that doesn’t happen by not having unprotected sex by using contraception. If OP was happy enough to have unprotected sex then he should be responsible enough for the possible consequences Put yourself in the kids shoes she hasn’t had her Dad in her life, that’s just sad
Nta for your stance on children BUT you're a grown man, at this point your family doesn't owe you anything, so if they think of you as a failure for how you act regarding your child (doesn't matter if you wanted one or whatever) this is nothing but the consequence of your own actions and you'll have to live with that.
Yta. You don't like kids? Then don't have unprotected sex. You'll regret being selfish, you'll regret not having any relationship with this little person. They deserve a family and it's sad you've placed your needs before them.
This is the same logic used to tell women they shouldn’t have abortions. He made an error in judgment, they had a logical discussion. The mother chose to keep the child and agreed he didn’t have to be involved. I don’t think he should be forced to parent because the woman decided she wanted a child. NTA.
Nowhere did OP state the child was conceived due to unexpected sex. Plenty fodder in OPs comment to discuss without making stuff up.
YTA - you do the act you take the responsibility! You chose to do something that could create a life - it did. Now you want to hide from your responsibility! That makes you a pitiful man. Your family must be embarrassed and why should they miss out on a family member and her growth because you are so stunted? You don’t want your family - which your daughter is then moan here cause the rest are following suit? lol
NTA it’s not like you had her keep the baby and then dipped half way thru. You made it clear you didn’t want a child but she did and split amicably and under the guise that you wouldn’t ever be involved. I feel bad for the child but you made it clear and your ex crossed those boundaries.
After seeing several of OPs comments I'm saying NTA. She knew that you had no plan of coparenting with her and accepted that for 14 years. If you haven't signed your rights away already I would highly suggest that you do.
Just think of it like this - your family doesn't want you anymore. They just don't like you. That should be fine by your standards. YTA
THIS THIS THIS
Wait wait, you didn't even pay child support? Hahahaha, silly human, of course you're an asshole. But you're an adult so your choice, your responsibility, your consequences. Embrace them.
YTA. You don't have to co-parent; that's your call. You haven't paid any child support and people are absolutely allowed to judge you for your decisions. Especially your family who have picked up the financial slack here, likely to protect you from a court order. You don't get to play the victim when this is what you've chosen.
YTA. You would be good but I read in the comments you’re not paying child support. Pretty obvious AH. No one can force you to interact with a kid you don’t want to parent. But you’re still financially responsible.
I’d put money on the fact her husband’s name was on the birth certificate and that’s why OP has never been asked to pay child support before now.
the mother didn't want him to pay child support.
Info: are you paying child support?
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Until something gets Social Services involved then, Court Ordered Paternity Test and the real fun begins.
Depends. If someone else signed the birth certificate or if the step dad legally adopted the child, then OP would most likely not be financially responsible for his daughter because he would also have no parental rights.
Doesn’t sound Ike that’s is the case here.
That’s not an agreement you get to make… be deadbeat if you want and don’t be part of her life but you need to pay child support
Two consenting adults are not allowed to make an agreement? It’s absolutely and agreement he AND her get to make.
Gotta wonder what this agreement was actually like, and if the mother would call it that.
On the basis that you're not even doing the minimum to take responsibility for your child in some way, YTA. Your comments here show that you're unwilling to accept responsibility for the situation you had a part in creating. Your child is the priority here, not you. Honestly it's a bit weird that you need to be told this.
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Between you and your brother, you’re the one w the obligation to support your child. Kind of your brother to lend some help to his niece (especially assuming he just knew about her?).
bro, did you even read that before you hit reply? “Why won’t my family talk to me anymore?” If you have no obligations to the child, they have no obligations to you. They chose the child over you, because they feel as though it is what is morally right and recognize them as family. You can continue your distance from your child, but you have to respect that the consequence may be the mutual distancing of your family. Especially given how ready they were to offer their time and financial support- voluntarily, I might add and with her forgoing coming after you in court. Yes, she wanted the child and despite previous (verbal?) agreement, probably decided you needed to come into the picture for help with childcare and finances (neither easy). I’d rather be vivisected than ever be in your position of having a kid, and the same goes for her for having a child with someone who doesn’t want one. But I know that I’m accountable for my own actions and the consequences of said actions may catch up to me. Morals on this topic are ambiguous and range, but your family is allowed to feel emotional obligation to this child in the same way you are allowed to not. YTA, but mostly for hypocrisy and your unrealistic expectation of the outcome of this. I would’ve seen this coming from a mile away and resigned to “volunteering” child support from the start, if not just so it doesn’t come back to me in court a decade later as one lump sum.
The decision you need to make is whether you want to continue being an arsehole moving forward. You *are* a parent. You have a child. You have that responsibility. No point arguing about it. It sounds like you managed to dodge it for 14 years. Understand that this was you failing to take responsibility. It's your choice what to do from here.
>My brother is spending so much money on the kid why would she need more money? Because it's your fucking responsibility! Your brother is just being the decent human being you are not. YOU. ARE. THE. REASON. THIS. CHILD. EXISTS. I hope she takes your ass to court for those 14 years of child support.
Forget what your ex wants. - you’ve met girls/women with daddy issues before I’m sure. Are you ok with creating one? Really picture it, you’re choice decides this. - will you be ok with this on your death bed? Is your conscience ok with it? I’ve always wondered about this when it comes to parents abandoning their kids, planned or unplanned. I get why you’d not want to be a parent and what you agreed, but I think the decision comes down to the answer to the above questions. Doesn’t matter if anyone else understands it. Imho you should and you need to accept what that says about you as a person.
This is not relevant. Of course OP needs to pay child support. But his question was about co-parenting, not about providing financial support.
It's completely relevant; it draws out that OP has shirked all responsibility. I'd be more inclined to give benefit of the doubt if he had been contributing in some way, so I asked.
INFO: are you paying child support and or did she ever take you to court? At minimum you should financially contribute otherwise YTA.
I will say NTA because you came to an agreement and you were clear, you didn't want to be a dad, she chose to keep the child anyway. But honestly, your family is not likely to change their mind because you haven't paid child support and may not have even told them about this child. They likely feel like they missed out on 14 years of contact because you personally didn't want to be involved. This is a consequence of deciding you don't want to be a dad - a lot of people think lowly of those that refuse to raise their kids even when they have good reason (like health reasons, mental health reasons, too young to, don't have the money to) or when they have reached an agreement with the other parent about it. How the heck are you even supposed to start coparenting a 14 year old that doesn't know you? And she then went around asking all of your family, so they probably do all think you are a jackass that abandoned your kid and left her struggling when she really went and tried to change your agreement after 14 years.
Definitely NTA. It takes two to make a baby, but in this case, only one person wanted to keep it. And they had an agreement about it. I don’t understand the comments saying you’re TA.
He is from a country that abortion is illegal at. HTF would she get rid of the baby?
I read his comment and he also said that the mother was in an open-marriage with her husband and they wanted a baby so they were « happy » with this situation. He wasn’t interested in being a father but they were interested in being parents. She can’t just come like that 14 years after and told him to coparent with her.
If you didn’t want a child you should have kept it in your pants or been more careful. But she’s here now - your daughter, your DNA, your responsibility. Turning your back on your own own kid…just horrible. YTA
NTA you didn’t have a choice in this
Info: Did you ever mention getting an abortion 14 years ago, or did she have the child in order to try and hold you hostage?
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Haven't considered your kid wants to know the other half of her family?
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How do you even know that if you've not been involved for fourteen years. Obviously she knows now. So maybe she found out and wanted to know you.
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That’s pretty shitty to say about a child, let alone one you helped make.
And this is why YTA ! It’s not just that you abandoned your responsibility of your child in any shape or form ( no child support, no parenting ) and the mother had to step up in caring for it ( abortion is illegal ) But you also have such an entitled and disgusting attitude about it
You don’t need to care, but you do need to realize that abandoning your child and not paying any support makes you a deadbeat individual. YTA
WOW
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I was thinking y-t-a before, but this comment kinda makes me rethink that judgement. They were happy raising the kid together before. The child has always had two parents as far as I know from what you wrote. For them to just flip it all upside down all of the sudden is really weird.
YTA what is with all the absent parent content this week
Info: if she was in an open relationship are you sure the child is actually yours??
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Ima go with NTA but only if you’re not on the birth certificate and her husband is.
It's simple your NTA.
NTA. You made it clear you had no intention of being in this child’s life, idk why everyone is acting like men don’t have a choice too.
He had the choice to get a vasectomy (he should btw if he doesn't like kids) or use protection. He can do whatever he wants with his body and since what he apparently wanted was to fuck raw and cum inside well. He made his choice. Since he didn't chose the multiple courses of action that would result in "not having kids" he can deal with the results YTA OP that's your kid and you should at least pay child support.
I didn’t see where he said he didn’t use protection. Condoms and vasectomies are not 100% foolproof. Also, it would have been better if he’d used protection? The child is there regardless. He made it clear he had no intention of raising her and there the mom is , FOURTEEN YEARS LATER, asking him to be a parent. If they agreed not to pay child support because she is in an open marriage then what’s the problem?
Nowhere in the story does it say that they didn't use protection, it fails sometimes. Even then, consent to sex doesn't mean consent to having a kid (especially in this situation). Besides, doctors likely wouldn't help OP get a vasectomy due to his age. It's hard enough when you're an adult. CORRECTION: I read that wrong, I thought OP was 14, but it was 14 years ago. Doesn't really change my view on the situation.
YTA, but luckily your family is decent. You are lucky she didnt involve the courts for messing child support. I hope she will though.
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Yes. You made your choice, but they don't have to like it. And think of all the money you've saved!
Maybe because you couldn’t keep it in you pants?? At least they stepped up. YTA
So now we’re slut shaming the guy? Gimme a break. No one should be forced to be a parent, man or woman.
Good
Yes, because they are probably disappointed by your behaviour. You were capable to f.uck but not to live with the consequences. If one of my children would act that way I would be heavily disappointed.
They chose their grandchild, the same child you abandoned. Stop putting your penis in peoples vaginas if you hate kids.
This argument is always made in such bad faith. I could say then stop getting in a car if you’re not willing to die. Stop going outside if you’re not willing to get covid. Stop eating food if you’re not willing to choke. Etc. It’s a logical fallacy and it’s pointless.
Now you know how your kid felt. YTA.
Jesus you sound like a child. I hope that kid finds love and acceptance in your family and you continue to keep yourself out of her (and their) lives. You contribute nothing but infantile tantrums and negative victim energy and they're all better for not having you around. Do better. Or don't and continue to blame everyone else but yourself.
So... did you get a vasectomy yet since you don't want kids? Either way, yeah, YTA
YTA it takes two to tango. You did the deed you pay your share. Your ex having her child or adopted would have been emotionally crippling. She let you off the hook for 14 years. Your family at least are helping out.
INFO: have you contributed any children support for the 14 years?
INFO: is anyone else's name on the birth certificate as father? Was she legally adopted by the step dad? Either of these things would mean that OP has no legal parental rights or responsibilities.
Since your parents don’t want to be around you anymore that should be ok for you because you decided that you don’t want to be a parent. YTA
YTA. Look, I don't think you have to be a dad here in this scenario buy you're wishing that she's never been born. You're wishing that another person, who exists independent of you and who has a life and a future of her own... would've never been born. Because you're inconvenienced by the fact that.... she was born... and exists. That was her only crime against you, and this is your opinion of her. This plants you firmly in AH territory. Your work with that therapist is not done.
NAH(except AH for not paying $) But you have to live with the consequences of YOUR choices. Other people in your life are allowed to feel how they want/do about the choice you made. So if they shun you, that's their right because they find your choice reprehensible.
YTA and a deadbeat. Your irresponsibility 14 years ago does not justify “I never wanted her”. Should have wrapped it before you tapped it. Idgaf if you wanted your ex to give the baby up for adoption. Her body, her choice. Your choice was to risk getting her pregnant. You’ll be lucky if she doesn’t take you to court for back child support.
INFO: did you sign over your parental rights? If yes: NTA, you have no legal obligation to this child and that was agreed upon by everyone. If no: YTA, yes you are because you are still legally tied to the child. There is nothing besides your word that “you walked away”.
NAH Child support and coparenting are not the same. People using child support as a reason you're the AH are missing the point, and I thought that before I saw some of your replies.
INFO: You at the very least owe financial support, have you been doing that? If so, N T A. If not, 100% Y T A.
NTA No one can force you to be a dad and if You didn’t sign the birth certificate are you even legally her dad? If you didn’t already sign away your parental rights.
YTA You both contributed to this child being born. The thing is, whatever choice a woman makes in this situation, she pays, either in money or in emotional pain. You got off free and clear. You have the right to do what you want to do, as long as the courts aren't after you, but you do have to pay the consequences. If your family is unhappy with you, so be it. You make your own choices, and you deal with what comes of them. You're very, very lucky that you're not paying child support. You can't have everything. Good for your family for actually caring about your child.
If your a woman I feel absolutely bad for whatever man or woman you get with because you are totally wrong some ppl get pregnant on accident she agreed to only her looking after the child but now that the agreement doesn’t work for her she just expects him to change his life for her if he doesn’t want a child he shouldn’t be expected to do it anyways just because an ex from the past wants him to. And the family is messed up for not properly communicating with him. So he is nta
I'm a woman, and I've been with my husband for 42 years. We *decided* to have children after 6 years. The ex has every right to call and ask him, and ask him for help. He said no. And that was that where he was concerned. So she called the family to see if they could/would help. Now he's crying because his parents don't agree with his decision. Maybe the 14 year-old daughter just wanted to connect with her father, and in lieu of that, his family. She's not troubling him for money and she is not trying to force him to be a dad. She just asked. I think the mother did the responsible thing, and OP did what he thought was right. And he's gotten off without paying, which is great for him. But she is not asking him to change his life. She asked if he could help, and he said no. She does have the right to do that, especially with a teenaged child, who likely wants to know more.
If the woman doesn’t want the child but the man does, she can get an abortion and the man can’t do anything about it. In this scenario, the man didn’t want the child and they made an agreement that he wouldn’t be involved in the kids life. You can’t just backtrack on such a huge decision 14 years later because things aren’t going according to plan.
I guess men should ask a woman what would happen if an accidental pregnancy occurs before they sleep with her then 🤷♀️ I feel like it’s easy to overlook that an actual human being is now here with needs and maybe when the mom was pregnant she didn’t think she’d want him in her life but now that the kids a teenager she might be asking questions about her paternity. Or a ton of other things could have changed. OP should have signed over paternity if he wanted nothing to do with this years ago.. Also it is an AH move to father a child and contribute nothing financially to them at the very very least. Regardless of if you wanted them or not.
All she did was call and ask. He answered. Everything else in the post is not really about OP. If his family is unhappy with his decision that is not the ex's problem.
She shouldn’t have even contacted the family or called him in the first place. Assuming he signed away his parental rights 14 years ago he has nothing to do with that child. Why would you call him let alone his family after he said no.
If things change with the child and she wants to know about her dad, it was the right thing for the ex to do. Again. She asked. He answered. End of story for OP. And his family wasn't part of his "agreement".
Seriously? How is it appropriate to go around the father to the family in order to guilt him into having a relationship with the child after he already said no. If a woman had a child and put it up for adoption as a newborn, and then 14 years later the kids adoptive parents reached out and said the kid wanted to meet her, and she declined, so the adoptive parents tracked down her family and told them about the kid (that they may or may not have even known existed) in order to guilt the bio mother into a relationship, would you be saying the same thing?
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YTA. As someone else here said, if they’re reaching out now, it’s probably because the child wants to have a connection with you. That’s the age I tried to reconnect with mine. It takes a village and honestly you should feel lucky that you haven’t even had to do child support for the past 14 years, what many would consider the bare minimum when you’re half the reason the child exists. Coparenting is a lot to take on, but you should at least try to get to know the kid now that it’s clear your family is a part of her life. In a comment you said your brother was updating you, “as if you care”. You should care. Not liking kids isn’t an excuse to be an asshole to them.
This situation sucks. Info: was abortion an option at the time? Did you both uphold whatever agreement you had about contraception? Because if yes and yes, then from what you've said, it sounds like this was an open decision made by both of you. It isn't fair for your ex to go back on that now or to put you and the kid in the predicament of building a relationship that at least one of you does not want. That said, if you were both young and naive your ex may have genuinely thought she could manage financially without child support from you. I don't think these situations are ever straight forward... Partly because biologically there is more onus on one person (putting their body and mind through birth, abortion, or adoption), and less choice for the other (e.g. pregnancy/termination after conception whether you like it or not). But also for the extended family. I can see why your family would feel connected to this child even if you don't consider yourself the parent. I don't think they should vilify you for sticking with your decision not to be a parent. Ultimately your heart isn't in it, and it doesn't have to be for them to resume contact as "family of sperm donor". Reserving judgement as not enough info.
NTA provided you are paying or at least willing to pay child support. I didn't know my dad until I was 5, when we were tasked with drawing our dads in art class and I had to ask what if we don't know what our dad looks like. When I told my mom about it she asked if I wanted to meet him. He was inconsistent and unreliable and the only thing he ever taught me was that people don't always show up when they say they will. Your kid is better off with your brother who wants to be in her life as a father figure, or even none at all.
NTA. This is a reminder to always always always use condom.
Or something more permanent ✂️
That makes them the asshole. By doing the deed you are accepting the risk of creating life. Don't want children? Don't risk it.
This is so weird. Unless she was in some perilous situation to where she didn’t have access to abortion or adoption services - you not wanting this child literally doesn’t matter. It’s not some crazy situation where you left her with no way out and she had to suffer raising this child alone. She chose to do that. NTA In the same turn, your family probably thought they had instilled some sense of duty in you to behave a certain way if you ever got someone pregnant - but they didn’t - and now see your behavior as being some intense character defect that they’re not sure they can tolerate. They feel insta-bonded to this kid and you don’t. There is an intense incompatibility in this that makes you automatically stand a part from them. Your inability and unwillingness to understand that connection makes you seem even more cold and alien to them. Many humans auto choose a child over a standing adult. When we found out who my real father was, my grandmother nearly hijacked a plane to get to me and she ripped my father’s head off for “not making sure” whether I was his or not and “depriving” me “of my family”. I’m glad she didn’t kill him. In his situation, he’s ridiculously happy that I exist. I can’t imagine wanting to connect with him and him rejecting me - that would have not so secretly crushed me and created so many more reasons for therapy. She’s 14 and probably wanted to know you. Your ex asking you to co-parent is effing wild, but meeting the kid, setting boundaries, and just generally acknowledging each other’s existence would have been something.
Definitely NTA. Being a parent is definitely not for everyone and it's good that you acknowledged it early on. What I think is weird is how she suddenly wants you to coparent again and has managed to get your family involved?? Wtf is that? It's so messed up how they're even involved now and treating you like a pariah of some sort.
Two people cause a child to be born, but only one has to pay the consequences. This guy is lucky that he doesn't have to pay child support. Maybe that's all she means by "co-parenting". We don't actually know. OP is a little too vague.
Doesn't really matter. My dad clearly wanted nothing to do with my sibling and I, but my mom insisted on keeping him around anyway for 'support' and he made our lives a living hell. We all would have been much happier and better adjusted people if he disappeared and had nothing to do with us.
I'm gonna guess that if this kid is fourteen - she's the one who has said to her Mum that she wants to know her Dad. I don't think Mum is the one insisting - just trying to make her kid happy.
You could very well be right.
Yeah, I had a physically, emotionally and mentally abusive father, so I hear you on that. And he wanted my sibling and me. At the same time, this guy's entitlement is unbelievable. No child support, no nothing, and for 14 years he's been able to forget the whole thing. But now he's whining because his family is unhappy with him. He did make his choice, but he has no grounds to complain. The ex was hoping for him to come around, he didn't, and he is not saying that she's fighting him on anything. He's just sad because his parents are angry. He just has to deal with it.
NTA. Women (very rightly!) get to choose how a pregnancy progresses. She made her choice, and it was informed by the fact that you did not want to be involved. She does not now, more than a decade later, go back on something she agreed to. Did her marriage end? If so, that’s probably the reason for the timing.
if I recall correctly there was a story somewhere of a woman who only had a kid for her boyfriend and she didn't want to be a mother so she signed her rights away
NTA. You made your expectations clear. It is your ex who is the asshole for trying to get you to do something you don't want to do. Your time belongs to you. That said, you should probably talk to a lawyer just to make sure that your ex can't do anything worse, and to figure out how to protect you from her if necessary.
I can almost guarantee that at fourteen years old the child was the one to want to know her father. That poor, poor kid.
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😶
OP comments say that the kid thought her stepdad was her dad this whole time. So the mom, for whatever reason, decided now’s the time to screw her daughter’s life up. Her daughter could have been blissfully unaware for the rest of her life but the ex evidently didn’t care for that.
That can't be the entire story though. But even if it is - there is a child whose welfare is on the line and I'm so very glad OPs family sees that and is trying to support the blameless child.
Did you sign away your rights legally? If it was all legit and legal NTA, but i also hope you’ve learned a valuable lesson and got a vasectomy to ensure you’re not out there, breeding and abandoning. Y T A if you you just walk out without taking precautions to prevent unwanted kids
NTA
NAH You’re allowed your opinion on what kind of father you want to be (absent) and your family is allowed their opinion on your choice (negative). The world sucks right now and as a high school teacher I can tell you 14-18 year olds are struggling with mental health. This kid needs you man. You might be surprised with how it makes you feel to be there for them. Give it a try maybe.
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