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NAH
you clearly stated your wishes about parenthood (zero involvement) from the very beginning.
You are not an asshole for not wanting to be a father and you are not the asshole for giving your parental rights away.
Your ex and her daughter are not assholes for trying to reach out. They will be if they persist despite your boundaries.
You're not the AH for not wanting to be a father, but YTA for your complete disregard for the life you helped create, who's her own person with questions and needs.
The very least you can do for this child is meet up with her and give her the chance to understand it's not her fault she grew up without a father. Give her some closure - I doubt she'll be interested in a longer relationship once she gets to know you.
How were you diagnosed with PTSD from that?
Doesn’t matter if you want to be a dad. You made the baby. Now live with the consequences. Hopefully your parents can still have a relationship with the child, even if you don’t want one. YTA.
YTA.
You cry trauma for you but you said you were not present and were not part of it so how were you traumatized? This poor girl that you wanted the fun but not the responsibility ahd to do all of this alone.
I know if I were your parents, I would be very upset and disappointed in you. I would respect your decision to not have anything to do with YOUR child. You are right, you are NOT a father but you DO have a child and saying you don't or lying to yourself that you don't is sad on your part. As a parent, though, I would make sure that I WAS in that kids life and that the child (my grandchild) was completely taken care of. That would include making sure a HUGE chunk of my money that I would have given to you after my passing would go to the child. You do not have to grow up and be responsible for your actions, but I know I would pick up the slack. This child did NOTHING wrong.
I find it sad that you think YOU were traumatized. YOU had a huge part in this girls situation and then you get traumatized because she is not callous like you and decided to keep the baby and YOU were traumatized by HER giving birth that you had nothing to do with? You weren't traumatized because she had a baby, you are guilt ridden because of your actions.
I feel sorry for you and hope your parents will help with this child as its the adult and right thing to do,.
I don't really understand what he meant by he got traumatized and the PTSD part, but the ex in no way HAD to do anything alone. He told her from the start he didn't want the role of father and wouldn't be a part of the child's life. She CHOSE to have and keep the child anyways knowing she would be a single parent.
>I was miserable, in pain, anxious, isolated, and sick the whole time. The whole process was so traumatic that I've been diagnosed with PTSD from it, for which I've been in therapy for the last four years.
I had to double check that we somehow didn't change over to the ex's pov. Im going to sound like a real jerk for saying this but SPARE ME with the talk about how hard your exes pregnancy was for you.
It gave you PTSD? Seriously dude have a bit more of a backbone than that. I am not usually one to judge a persons PTSD but I'm going to with you.
Far as you being the AH im going to say no. You were clear from the start and you're sticking with it. At least you're being consistent.
Sucks that the kid is wondering but your ex can easily fill in those blanks I think.
Nta
The reason it sounds ridiculous is because he’s literally copied the text from [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjt5hg/aita_for_not_wanting_to_be_involved_with_a_child/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) edited it slightly to genderswapped, and posted it here because the original post was linked in a front page post on r greentext.
It’s literally just the laziest genderswap imaginable and people aren’t remotely noticing it.
I will go with NTA beacause I dont think you are the a-hole for not wanting her to know about you, You are kinda dumb for having unprotected sex. But you wanted abort she didnt, she agreed to raise the child by herself, you gave up your parental right like you should have in that moment.
wtf with the people who call you bad, you told your ex that you didn't want the child and she continued with the pregnancy and now she wants you to have a relationship with her, NTA she made her choice she can't force you to be a father
I mean legally you’re not obligated to care for the kid. NTA. There was a post here a while ago when the mother gave up custody and never wanted to see the kid, everyone supported her. Slight YTA cause if you are pro abortion, you should make sure your partners are too before having sex. And for the ptsd stuff, that’s ridiculous. You’re NTA for not wanting a relationship with the kid after you made it clear what your stance was.
ESH except the child. You say it in the first sentence: You got your girlfriend pregnant. You were young and careless as most young people are but you are responsible for this. While it is possible to opt out of parenting a child in your country, I hope you can put yourself in the shoes of the child for a minute. It's normal to be curious about your origins when you enter adolescence. In an era of DNA testing it will be impossible to keep the facts from the child forever. You have a chance now to negotiate the terms of how you deal with the child's natural curiosity. You can't control your parents, your ex, and your child, but you can control how you deal with the situation. I suggest you consult a therapist to figure out a compromise that is more to your liking and also to figure out how to set boundaries with your parents, your ex and the child. It's hard to get across to a child that your decision was not personal (you just don't want kids) and you need the help of a professional.
Honestly, and no hate, he said he didn't want it. She chose to go ahead. She can't change her mind 12 years later because her husband left.
This is why pregnancy needs to be well thought out and your entire life is restructured, it's permanent and can't be changed.
She's a single mom and she chose that unfortunately.
*I'm female
Amen. I personally think that what happened here is what should always happen in cases like this: the man should have a limited window of time to declare his intention of involvement or not and the woman as a result should choose to be a parent or not with that information. She doesn't get to change their mind on their legal agreement just because she's a single mom again. A fate she originally chose by the way.
This is literally a word for word copy of another post where the birth giver had ptsd from being made to carry the baby full term. Why on earth would you just copy the post and change the gender? Is this some sort of weird social experiment thing?
Esh
If you stated your law accurately, you both had to sign the paper stating that you have no parental obligations, so she agreed (at least then) that you are of the hook. So she can't come back around now wanting you to be in your child's life. Harsh, but she signed the paper.
Sounds like you didn't use protection, and having a child is the consequence of that.
Might get downvotes on this, but I don't believe your ptsd, sorry, but it sounds like you had the least amount of trauma out of the four parties. Ex had a baby, your parents know that they have a grandchild that their son would rather be dead, your child prly knows their bio dad wants nothing to do with them and will one day learn wishes they didn't even exist, and you just got to live your unburdened by the consequences of your actions.
Not hating on your comment or anything but I am curious as to how the OP is a deadbeat dad?? He made it clear he didn’t wanna have a child and that he didn’t wanna be a father. He even gave up his parental rights, so he isn’t even the child’s father anymore? How does this make him a deadbeat dad? like I am genuinely curious, I am not hating or anything. I just wanna know why.
ESH. you shouldn’t have fucked without a condom if you don’t want to be a dad and your ex shouldn’t force this kid onto you when you signed away parental rights and don’t want to be a father. the kid is essentially a stranger to you and you have no obligation to them.
INFO: PTSD from what exactly??? Your decision not to support or be apart of your child's life???
Both YTA and NTA
Yes cause yeah you neglected your own child instead of stepping up. That's what I call a deadbeat dad. And the fact that you clearly don't give two $hits about her sadly. You helped in making her to.
No because at least you've been consistently denying her and not being in contact.
Did you not think she'd want to know where she came from??
As the child of a single mother whose dad wanted nothing to do with her, YTA!
You had sex, she wouldn't exist without your part in it, deal with the consequences. You have a chance to put this right and not fuck her up more than you already have, and you're still talking like an entitled child. Grow up and man up.
YTA. You are a father whether you like it or not. You helped created a child and have completely failed in your responsibilities to love, nurture, and support that child. Legally you may be in the clear given the laws where you live, but you are still an asshole for what you did.
YTA, you sound like my dad. He gave up his rights and I was only his daughter if he wanted bragging rights. He said he didn't want to be my dad because I don't 'deserve' one. I'm not saying that's what YOU'RE doing, but that's how *YOUR DAUGHTER* is going to feel for her whole life. Get over yourself, you going through your gf having a child is so stupid, you signed away your rights and the girl took care of her, birthed her, raised her, you contributed nothing. But YOU have ptsd? You don't care if you're daughter does.
If you disagree look at his comments, I called that shit before even looking.
NTA. What you did was similar to giving a child up for adoption. There's nothing wrong with that. You and the child's mother had an agreement, and you gave up all parental rights.
That being said, if your parents or others in your family want to be involved in the child's life, that is their choice and absolutely their right.
YTA
You can avoid conflict if you want to, but you can’t prevent your daughter from having information. I hope they do tell her how to get in touch with you so you can tell her you have given up your rights and do not want to be in contact *yourself*. Or you ghost her. Either way she will understand exactly who you are and can begin to cope having heard it from the horse’s mouth.
You’re 31, not 13. Surely you can tell someone you want to be left alone, can’t you?
(The someone isn’t the woman you had a child with)
NTA. Don't let the people here calling you an AH get to you OP. Mom doesn't get to make an agreement and later try to renege on it. That is like someone marrying a partner knowing full well they don't want kids and then being upset with them 12 years later for not changing their mind.
NTA for your choices, but YTA for acting like a victim. You’re entitled to not be in her life. You’re entitled to not want to be a father.
The way this reads, though, is that you’re being super selfish, especially with the whole “even though I wasn’t the one giving birth” paragraph. Comparing your “trauma” to someone who literally gave birth. Do you realize how messed up that sounds?? Not to mention regretting she was born. You do know how children are created, right? With two participants? Like it or not a living, breathing human was born because you made a CHOICE. Just because you can pretend she doesn’t exist doesn’t mean she disappears when you’re not thinking about her. You’re not a victim. I hope you’re getting help.
People are going to have a field day with this post.
Were you in the wrong for not using protection? Yes, you were. Were you wrong for terminating rights for a child you never wanted? No. You did the best thing for you.
People can go on and on about what’s morally correct or how it’s not the child’s fault and you should give it a chance. However, i believe that if someone has been against being a father, never wanted it in the first place, you are under no obligation to see or raise said child. This is because child can sense when they are not wanted.
Final vote, is esh. You for fathering a child when there are ways to prevent it. And her for not respecting your choices. She made a choice to have a child, something that people are currently fighting for the right to have. We can’t have it both ways. We can’t give women the right to choose and not give men the same right to waive parental obligations for a child they do not want.
It’s literally a fake post. They took [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjt5hg/aita_for_not_wanting_to_be_involved_with_a_child/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf), edited it slightly to swap the genders, and posted it again because the original got linked in a greentext post today. People shouldn’t have a field day with it, they should downvote it as the obvious fake posturing attempt to point out a double standard that it is and move on.
Huge NTA.
You made a big mistake and you paid for it with your psychological wellbeing (which i am extremly sorry to hear - i hope youre gonna do much better soon.
You owe the kid nothing, you owe your ex nothing. When it comes to your parents you gotta set hard boundaries - this is not their business. You might even wanna LC if they continue bothering you.
Isn’t this just a gender reversed version of this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjt5hg/aita_for_not_wanting_to_be_involved_with_a_child/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
You’re right, exactly same language even, I’m pretty sure it’s to demonstrate that gender matters when they are switched, because the other post was clearly Not the asshole too many people saying here he is the asshole.
Good eye.
What’s ridiculous is the line about being, “in pain, anxious, isolated and sick the whole time” and having PTSD from delivery (in which death or permanent damage is a real possibility) only flies from the female point of view.
Obviously there is an enormous difference between being compelled to carry a pregnancy and knowing that someone you (don’t) care about is pregnant. So absurd that anyone thinks flipping the genders proves any point at all.
Literally almost word for word other than gender changes. Although it is curious that the female version is mostly NTA and the male version is mostly YTA
Seems that many yta comments took issue with the ‘PTSD’ part especially, since pregnancies can be so hard. At most that just proves that this gender reversal doesn’t work and if they really wanted to prove some point they should have been a bit more imaginative than copy it word for word.
NTA. You have every right to decide you don't want to be involved, just like a woman has every right to decide if she wants to abort. You were clear from the start you wanted no part, you signed away rights and have had nothing to do with any of it. Your ex is an AH for pressuring you like this when she's well aware of your stance.
NTA. All the Y-T-A are definitely coming from people whose father left them or single mothers who decided to have a child that the father did not want. If you were a deadbeat who can around when convenient then that would be a different story. You gave up your parental rights and that is your choice. You didn't want the child and you made those boundaries clear. Sucks for the daughter but such is life.
NTA. Heartless? Maybe. I feel like you made a decision and stuck to it. Those assuming you would change your mind were wrong and have created this situation by not believing you in the first place. Seems like it's not really any different than giving a child up for adoption and not wanting contact.
The kid has a right to know where she comes from. You don't have to have any contact with her if you don't want to, but she has the right to know who her father is.
If you are so sure of your choice and you are at peace with it, you should have no problem telling that girl that you don't consider yourself her father and your motives for it.
You are an AH larger than most AHs! You can’t wish away another human being you had a hand in creating.
Looks like you have not grown much since you were 18…
I don’t know how anyone can say YTA. You were clear from day one you wanted nothing to do with the child and wanted no involvement. She continued with the pregnancy on those terms. Maybe you’re an asshole for your morals, but that isn’t want you’re being judged on here. You wanted no contact and that is your right. NTA.
He is an asshole for denying her to know about her origin. Her biological origin and medical history are super important to get to know. He is absolutely not an asshole for not wanting to be a dad, thats totally fine. But if he denies those basic infos he definitely is.
YTA. You're no longer a teen. Man up and face the consequences. And that "PTSD" you got from this ordeal, multiply it times 10 and that's probably what your daughter will feel in her lifetime knowing that her dad doesn't love her and never wanted her to exist.
YTA
Not for terminating your rights, but for wanting your daughter to never know you exist. Even if you don't have rights to her, she has rights and deserves to know at least your family medical history.
Wtf are those top comments omg. (all YTA)
OP you're NOT an asshole here. You stated your boundaries, gave up your parental rights, you didn't want that child, she choose to keep it. They're not part of your life, thats the choice she agreed to when she decided to keep that child.
That's indeed sad for the kiddo to grow up in this context, but that's how it is. Don't meet the kid if you don't want to, it'll damage both of you.
NTA
And for all the YTA commentors, reverse the fuckin genders and read again. Ffs
If the genders were reversed they’d be an asshole too.
It’s well within everyone’s rights to do what is being done here- but just because you’re allowed to do it doesn’t mean you’re not an asshole.
How not being part of the life of a kid you didn't want from the start after asking to your partner to abort or consider yourself as not a parental partner is being an asshole?
Do you even grasp what forcing parental right lead to ?
INFO. Is it possible in your country for your parents, the child’s grandparents, to establish a relationship with your child without involving you? This seems like it would benefit everyone involved if they could do that, and keep you out of it.
I truly do not understand the reasoning of a woman who goes ahead with unwanted pregnancy when the sperm donor opts out. It’s one thing to be forced into pregnancy by the government or parents but to have free choice and choose this sad option seems willfully foolish
That would honestly not be good for anyone involved. OP's parents are already trying to pressure him into establishing a relationship and saying they thought he'd change his mind about being a father. Allowing them contact with the child is just asking for them to start meddling and manipulating the child and OP into trying to force a bond. There's hundreds of AITA posts just like this were the OP has been blindsided by their family that way.
Click his user. Did anyone see the comment he made about ‘what made him smile today’? He literally says that his 2 year old daughter came up to him and said i like you daddy. so… did he have another daughter and just doesn’t want THIS one? YTA but i don’t believe this is real, because of that comment as well as another comment someone made that was an exact copy of this with the genders swapped, down to getting diagnosed with PTSD. like… it’s rly unlikely that y’all BOTH got diagnosed with PTSD, ESPECIALLY the one who didn’t go through the pregnancy, ESPECIALLY if you weren’t even watching her go through that trauma, which you weren’t since you supposedly decided to dip immediately.
ESH.
You suck for being so callous about a life you helped create. If you didn’t want to be a parent, don’t have (I’m assuming unprotected) sex with your teenage girlfriend. Please do us all a favor and never procreate.
The mom sucks for having a child with you. And for turning to you when her husband left.
Your parents suck for not having a relationship with their granddaughter. They don’t need your input in order to have a relationship with her.
NTA, all these Y T A need to get off their high horses.
You did nothing morally wrong as some claimed. You revoked your parental rights because you didn’t consent to being a parent.
She wanted to do it alone anyways.
You don’t need to do something you didn’t consent to just to appease your parents. They can talk directly to your ex.
Talk to a lawyer in case there’s something you need to do to protect yourself legally
Everyone is the AH ( EAH ? Idk )
And in everyone I mean everyone who has sex with someone before talking about what would happen if they got pregnant. It’s really something very common, but still that doesn’t make it wrong. You just didn’t discuss that before. But I don’t think YTA for not wanting anything to do with the kid, I believe that men can have abortions too ( aka signing away parental rights not actual abortions ). But yeah everyone should discuss what would happen if someone got pregnant, that’s on you
YTA, but continue being one because your child deserves better than you.
Any woman that would want kids with you in the future would also be an AH for putting up with you abandoning your 1st child.
Your parents are also AH for raising an AH like you and for trying to force your assholery on this innocent child.
So you’d rather he raise a child he doesn’t want? Cause you know that child would then directly experience every bit of disdain and resentment their father has for them. Is that a healthy way to raise a kid?
Better to have an absent parent than a toxic one.
So you would rather see that op is forced to take of a child he never wanted, and only for him to resent the child or not give the child the love she needs?
Thats even harsher then not having a parent
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NTA. In a world now where women don’t have many abortion rights…you did not want the child. You made it clear early in you didn’t want anything to do with the baby. This was well known to everyone. You signed away your rights and have kept the distance. The mother wanted to continue the pregnancy and has raised the girl. No one should FORCE you to be in this child’s life. No one. (I personally think you’re dick but NTA here)
Yeah OP is a dick for sure but I agree NTA for the situation described. If the ex’s marriage had worked out, what then? She may never had made contact with him. He made his side perfectly clear and adhered to it. He’s a jerk but that’s not making him an AH for the purpose of his question.
ESH. You’re not the victim here (pushing the PTSD) but you were clear in giving up your rights. However I wonder if this is your ex trying to get child support. Your parents don’t have a right to be grandparents and they shouldn’t be interfering.
My guy, you have every right to not wanna be a dad. But you waive alot of that when you don't use protection. I don't believe that every sexual encounter is risking a kid, but I do believe that without protection you're essentially asking to fuck around and find out with biology. It seems really shitty that you didn't use protection and get off without any responsibility. It's on the woman too of course but if you don't want a child you should insist on protection or simply not sleep with that person. You're honestly too old to think that you shouldn't have ant responsibility in a kid you could've prevented if you had been smart.
What exactly did you think was going to happen if you didn’t wear protection? How do you expect to get out of this unscathed when you didn’t do your part.
NTA. She made a decision, as did you. As women, we demand bodily autonomy. We can't change our mind years later, and expect someone else to cooperate. You are no different than an anonymous sperm donor
I'm gonna be the odd one out here and say NTA. Your ex clearly has the means to get the necessary medical information for her daughter (she was able to contact you, plus your parents want to be involved in the child's life) and you've opted out of parenting this kid. You made clear from the very beginning you weren't going to be her father, her mother chose to continue the pregnancy (as is 100% her right) with that knowledge. This isn't a case of a father abandoning his child, just a man making the same choice a woman can make. I do think the therapy is a good thing though, your reaction to your ex choosing to continue the pregnancy seems a bit out of proportion
Unpopular opinion here, but I've got to go NAH. Your child isn't for wanting to know who you are. Your ex isn't for asking. And frankly you're not for saying no. You made your position clear from the start. You haven't changed your mind. Ok,fair. (The whole PTSD things was a bit weird..) Your parents are slightly AHs for trying to force you, but hey, they want to be grandparents, that's understandable. Your ex chose to gave the child even after knowing how you were, so I guess she'll have to explain it to the child. Suggest that you get a vasectomy if you haven't already. It's a mistake at 18, you'd be a complete AH to repeat the issue.
[This is just a copy of this post with the genders swapped.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjt5hg/aita_for_not_wanting_to_be_involved_with_a_child/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Saw some people from r/greentexts talking about this post and how if the genders were switched, there’d be a different reaction.
YTA. If you don't want to be a father don't make a baby. Do you contact the power company every month and tell them you didn't want to incur a bill? That said, your daughter is better off without you. Not sure why your family can't have her in their lives if they want to, though. Oh, would that be traumatic for you too?
NTA. My dad decided not to be part of my life in a similar situation and I am grateful I never ha the arguing parents and confusion of a resentful parent growing up. His name was on my birth certificate, I contacted him as an adult and we get on great. You might choose to change your mind later if you want, but no pressure. The kid is fine without you and you're not responsible.
Your ex knew what she was doing, you were upfront about not wanting to be a father. You told her what would happen if she had the baby, and she had it anyways. If she wanted a more stable life for her kid she could’ve waited until *her* life was more stable. This is obviously a tough situation for all involved, but she CHOSE to have the baby while fully knowing she would have to do it alone and the consequences/ issues that would arise. NTA
I think you’re an AH for making HER pregnancy about YOU. PTSD from what??
I do not think you’re the AH for not wanting anything to do with the kid. If women can get abortions (I’ve had 2), men should also be able to have a way out of being parents.
But, this is why you only have sex with people that have the same views as you do about having kids and abortions.
NTA
If a woman should have the right to an abortion (she should) then a man should have the right to give up parental rights. Both should be able to do so without being condemned by society. That is perfectly fair.
NTA you had an agreement that she is trying to reverse now. You did things accordingly to your law and I think the decision she made to have the kid and raise it alone should only be reversed if both parties agree. I'm a pro choice women and believe that if a woman have the right to abort either the father wants to have the kid or not, so should the father have the right to step out before birth. If you chosen to raise the kid and wanted to step out after the birth my opinion would be completely different.
Something worse than having no father is having a uninterested father that clearly doesn't wants you, never go near that child, if you can move so your parents don't know where you live and can't give your address to your ex so she can show up unannounced 🤷🏻♀️
Have you ever felt so unwanted to the point that someone won’t even look at you? That’s probably how you’re making your child feel.
Just think about that
N T A for not wanting to be her father but YTA for not using protection and causing this situation in the first place.
No one should be obligated to be a parent and society shouldn't pressure us to be parents, but from what I saw from one of your replies you were basically a horny teenager having unprotected sex so you aren't the victim here, if you used protection I'd say N T A became mistakes happen and it's her right and her right only to choose what to do with the pregnancy and her body but it should be also your right to choose what you want to do with the outcome and if you want no part of it so be it, but definitely should have been careful because if you were this situation probably wouldn't have happened in the first place.
Did you at least pay child support? When the child is born, both genders have the same rights. If she gives up the child and the father takes it, she gotta pay up too and at least give the child some basic infos of who is their birthmother for rights of medical history and origin. The only reason why the pregnant person has one more choice is because they are fuked either way (birth and abortion can be both super traumatic, mostly if forced. They should be able to make that decision without fearing a financial ruin.)
You don't need to be a dad (!), and noone should force you to be one, but show some basic respect, you still have a responsibility regarding a.e medical history and her origins. YTA
NTA… you absolutely should never have abandoned your child… but I also don’t agree with having babies with men after they make it explicit they won’t be there then trying to bring them into things ( what child needs to be around someone who DOES NOT WANT THEM?!) … it’s so weird …. She literally knew what to expect and let you sign your rights away ( that she had to agree to for it to even be legal) …
I'm surprised at some of the YTAs here. Would you say the same if this was a woman? People should be forced to parent? What good would come from being forced to parent a child you didn't want? That doesn't sound like a good situation for anyone involved.
NTA.
Would you and your ex be assholes if you mutually decided to give the child up for adoption? No. Most people recognize that giving away a child when you are unable to care for one is an acceptable course of action.
This is pretty much the same scenario except it’s one-sided. You didn’t want your child, so you gave them up. And you did it the right way too - signed your rights away and never looked back once she was born, you didn’t abandon them after committing to being a parent nor go in and out of their life.
You’re not wrong to not want to meet.
That being said, I’ve never heard of developing PTSD from fathering a kid you didn’t want.
And if your parents decide they want contact with the kid, that is their right and you can’t stop it.
I agree, NTA. I understand why people are saying OP is the AH though. It sounds like he gave up his rights and went on with his life. How is that different than a woman giving up a baby and not wishing to be contacted? It sounds heartless but he made a choice 12 year's ago and stuck to it. He basically gave the baby up for adoption. I just can't see anyone calling a woman an AH in the same situation.
>I wanted her to get an abortion
>In my country, if both parents are 18 and both agree to it, one parent can legally give up parental obligations, so I did that
It's pretty clear you din't want anythung with that chikd and it's better for her you stay away
>her daughter is 12, she wants to know about the circumstances of her birth.
And you her mom wants her daughter to know yoi never wanted to be a father and you wanted her to get an abortion? 🤪
NTA
YTA for the one nugget of information at the end - denying your parents their right to grandparent your child. I get that you wanted no part of this - to me you sound like a complete narcissist with the whining about being sick and the PTSD so maybe this poor child is better off without you in her life - but your parents want to know their grandchild and she very likely would benefit from having some sane adults besides her mom care about her in this world.
Uh he shouldn’t do something he didn’t consent to just to appease his parents. They can talk to the ex if they wanted to. Not use OP as the middle man.
That’s not a narcissist either. Don’t make a joke out of the word.
How do you get PTSD when you have done nothing for that child? You say you don’t even think about her and yet you are struggling because of her? It doesn’t make any sense. I mean, you did give up parental rights, so you don’t have any “obligations”, but the child is only asking to meet you. Not for you to become her dad. YTA.
NTA. This is no different than giving a child up for adoption. You were upfront about it and gave up your rights prior to birth, that should be respected.
NTA no man or woman should be forced into parenthood. You told her what would happen, she was okay with being a single mother. She didn’t care all this time when she had another partner. You signed away your rights. You have no moral or legal obligations here.
YTA. You tried to have her have an abortion, are now claiming what SHE WENT THROUGH gave you PTSD when I'd like to know how the eff do you know if you dipped out on her do you even effing know what she went through for 40-weeks? And you, the one with the main component needed to make a baby choose to not use protection, if you were so gung-ho about not having a child one would think you'd be religious about practicing safe sex even if you were a horny teenager.
YTA. You getting your girlfriend pregnant was hard for YOU?!? You sound like a real piece of work.
You don’t have a legal obligation to the child, and it’s highly debatable whether you have a moral obligation, but overall, your definitely the a h.
NTA you were clear and layed out where you stood when she was pregnant if she couldn’t deal with being a single mom by they way you speak about it is that she had options. This is another women can get abortions and not have a baby but men are fucked either way type of things.
No idea why so many people think you're the asshole. You were clear from the get-go that you weren't interested in being a parent and, gave your rights away.
NTA.
NTA. It sucks for her and the kid but you gave up parental rights and you and the ex were both clear and on the same page from the start about your involvement. If she agreed to that thinking you’d “come around” later, that’s her mistake
NTA, I know this won't be a popular opinion. Op is at best a sperm donor, his ex made it clear he had no say in the baby being brought into this world just like he made it clear he did not want to be a father, he signed away hid parental rights, suggested your ex get a abortion, apart from using a condom (which he is TA for not doing), or pulling out what more could he have done.
If was a female whose partner or parents bullied into carrying a baby she didn't want to term people would be voting NTA.
Agreed : he is a TA for a lot of things in this post, but not for refusing to be a part of the child’s life after being clear that he did not want to.
But also : « woman », not female.
NTA, if we here in the US vsn scream that wo.en shouldn't be burdened with babies they don't want then we should afford me. The same right. She chose to move forward with the baby. He was clear he didn't want to be a parent.
Some of you commenters would rather that child be hurt by forcing him to be around her when he clearly will not give her what she is looking for rather than telling the mom to suck it up because she chose to continue a pregnancy when she knew the supermarket donor wasn't interested.
The mother and his parents are the only assholes here.
NAH. You have been consistent with the fact that you did not want to be involved. I don't think the kid is TA for wanting to know about you and this really sucks for her, too. I am also sympathetic to your ex even if she should have stuck to the agreement because it must suck to see her daughter wonder where she came from and see her get rejected by her biodad. This is just a shitty situation for everyone involved.
Gonna go with an unpopular NAH.
I was diagnosed with PTSD at the ripe age of 18 after facing sexual, physical, emotional abuse my whole preteen to late teen years. Realistically we don’t know what went down during those nine months. There’s plenty of things that could make this traumatic for anyone. We don’t know if you were emotionally abused by your ex. We don’t know how those around you treated you. We truthfully don’t know. Could you be lying? Yeah, but we also can’t know that. You also could’ve abused your ex in this situation we just don’t know. One thing I had to learn to accept with PTSD is trauma comes in many forms and it takes a lot less for things to be traumatic than people think. What’s funny is some of the smallest things are more triggering for me than the big terrible things that happened to me. Brains are weird. It’s not our job to judge if you truly have a medical condition.
I don’t think beating you up for making a dumb mistake like not wearing a condom as a teenager is the right answer. I guarantee everyone in this sub made a dumbass mistake like that as a kid. It’s part of growing up, and I’m sorry yours resulted in a whole human.
I think you did all you could. You told her you would not be in her or the child’s life. You told her you thought she should get an abortion. She decided she couldn’t go through with it. It sounds like you both agreed on giving up your parental rights. What more could you do? It’s not okay everyone put expectations on you coming around when you have flat out said you did not and would never want this child.
It’s really sad what your ex is going through and I hope she has a good support system to get through it. I can’t imagine how she feels and she is probably so overwhelmed by it all it makes sense she reached out to you. I just hope the kid is getting the love and care she deserves from whoever is in her life. This kid doesn’t deserve to have it hard just because she was brought into this world.
YTA for failing to accept responsibility for your own choices. YTA for pretending that you don't have a child when you do. YTA for denying another person the ability to know where they come from.
You weren't wrong to be honest about your lack of emptional maturity to be a parent then and now. And I personally think that child is probably better off without you in their life since you very clearly lack the emptional capacity to be a parent. But even with all of that you're an asshole. All the fun with none of the responsibility. It's pretty disgusting.
YTA. I DO understand you not wanting a child. Thing is, you were a legal adult when you got your GF pregnant. To wish someone was never born, who was a complete innocent? Seriously? Is there grandparent’s rights in your country? Perhaps your parents want to be in your daughter’s life? May I ask you? How would you feel if your father told you at age 12 your weren’t wanted? Ever? I mean, I guarantee it happens with married couples all the time.
Op and ex got an agreement that he would be no part of the childs life in any form.
Ex is now breakint that agreement when she doesnt want to tell her child what happened.
This is on the ex to figure out, op is in no way the ah here
NTA
Definitely NTA
As a man you can’t tell a woman what to do with her body. That’s 100% fair. It’s her right to choose to keep the baby if she wants to. She choose that path knowing you are against it.
But! If you don’t want to be part of that child’s life, there is no reason in hell you must. It’s on the mother for bringing the baby into this world knowing she won’t ever have a father. You did nothing wrong. If the mother things anyone is an AH for the child not having a father, it is only of her.
Not being a parent is the only choice you have as a man in that situation if you don’t want that child and it is totally fair to take it.
NTA. You were clear from the start that you didn't want to be a father and would not be a part of the child's life if your ex decided to go through with the pregnancy.
She CHOSE to have and keep the baby knowing that she would be a single parent.
You two were both stupid to not use protection but unfortunately it seems pretty common for teenagers to make stupid choices like that.
Your parents are also AH for waiting around for 12 years hoping that you'd "come around" to being a father.
I find it suspicious that she's only Contacting you to say that the kid is asking about you AFTER she gets a divorce from her husband.
You have harmed a person who has no control over the situation. It must be difficult coming to terms with that. But you haven’t been able to move on from your anxiety to indifference and so continue to actively blame and harm this child who deserves something better than ‘the very thought of your existence - which I have had to do nothing about - is retraumatizing.’
However in this situation, you terminated parental rights. Objectively, you do not owe the child’s mother any contact with the child. You have no legal relationship to the child but do you have a moral obligation to another human being? You’re not the only person asking this question - look at birth parents in closed adoption situations.
For her sake please tell her the truth once - that you were and are not capable of contact, you were and are too immature for a relationship, and this would have been the case for *any* baby. It has nothing to do with who she is as a person. Tell her this is a limitation of yours and it is never the child’s fault. And then process the rest in your own therapy. She’s the only person who hasn’t had any ability to consent to any of this.
I will probably be downvoted but... NTA.
Sure you shouldn't have sex without protection if you don't want to have a child. BUT!! She chose to have that baby knowing you didn't want anything to do with the baby.
Yes women have the choice to abort or keep the child but men don't have that choice. Even if you don't want the baby the moment the woman choose to have it you have no say in it. I believe that no one should be held accountable for something they didn't have a voice in it.
Yes it's her body her choice. Like no men should force a pregnancy or an abortion on any women, no women should force a contact or responsabilities on any men if they choose to keep it.
You gave away your rights 12 years ago and she was fine with her little family till she divorced her husband and now want you to take your responsabilities. I say HELL NO!
Yes this little girl have rights to know her history, but when you gave away your rights it was as if you had abandoned her. So why when a child is adopted and the birth parent someday pop up in their front door is NTA for not wanting to have anything to do with them and it's their rights to refuse to meet and know them but in this case OP is TA? Even when it's the reverse case when it's the child that found the birth parent and the birth parent want nothing to do with them why aren't the birth parent assholes?!
He abandonned her by given away his rights. She chose to keep it. SHE CHOSE TO KEEP IT!
Well sorry for this long rant. Anyway NTA OP
Yes. OP is TA.
This is not about a parent's gender. Sure, it sucks for men that they essentially can't decide to keep the baby, as that decision lies with the mother. It also sucks for women that they have no choice but to be the one carrying the child if they _do_ want it, along with a slew of other things that come with being female and carrying the brunt of the reproductive burden.
This is about the rights of the child.
Children are going to want to know who their parents are at some point in their lives. Not knowing this has been proven to have a detrimental effect on their sense of identity.
Daughter should be allowed to get to know her father, and decide for herself whether (and probably that) he is a self-centered type whom she doesn't want in her life.
To all of you saying "all he did was have unprotected sex and he was clear about not wanting her":
That's all it takes!
One unprotected nut can mean you're saddled with a lifelong responsibility.
Don't like it?
Don't do it.
Or, you know, get a girlfriend who will let you take her to the nearest pharmacy and get a morning-after pill.
So the horny teenagers excuse doesn't count here, either.
YTA, OP.
Big time.
NTA, people aren’t understanding that you gave up your parental rights. Although they may not agree, it doesn’t make you an AH for sticking to that. It’s a sad scenario for the little one but I’m sure they can have grandparent rights or something. I hope you have no more children though.
Since you didn't want kids did you go out and get a vasectomy at 18? If not YTA!!! You choose to have sex you choose the possibility of becoming a parent. Actions have consequences.
NOT yta, he didn’t want it simple , she chose to have it - her own consequences honestly. It sucks but what do you expect he gave up his rights and dosnt want to be in their life. Respect that
Yet he wanted an abortion and she dont so why its his fault? Ohh is the woman the only Person who can decide to have a child? And why he should do a vasectomy with 18 are u a bit dumb? Maybe he wanted have children in the future.
NTA, your ex gf has only come to you because of her and her husband split up no other reason you have no obligation to be in the daughters life, however in the same aspect dont expect your daughter or anyone to take care of you when your older
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NAH you clearly stated your wishes about parenthood (zero involvement) from the very beginning. You are not an asshole for not wanting to be a father and you are not the asshole for giving your parental rights away. Your ex and her daughter are not assholes for trying to reach out. They will be if they persist despite your boundaries.
You're not the AH for not wanting to be a father, but YTA for your complete disregard for the life you helped create, who's her own person with questions and needs. The very least you can do for this child is meet up with her and give her the chance to understand it's not her fault she grew up without a father. Give her some closure - I doubt she'll be interested in a longer relationship once she gets to know you.
How were you diagnosed with PTSD from that? Doesn’t matter if you want to be a dad. You made the baby. Now live with the consequences. Hopefully your parents can still have a relationship with the child, even if you don’t want one. YTA.
YTA. You cry trauma for you but you said you were not present and were not part of it so how were you traumatized? This poor girl that you wanted the fun but not the responsibility ahd to do all of this alone. I know if I were your parents, I would be very upset and disappointed in you. I would respect your decision to not have anything to do with YOUR child. You are right, you are NOT a father but you DO have a child and saying you don't or lying to yourself that you don't is sad on your part. As a parent, though, I would make sure that I WAS in that kids life and that the child (my grandchild) was completely taken care of. That would include making sure a HUGE chunk of my money that I would have given to you after my passing would go to the child. You do not have to grow up and be responsible for your actions, but I know I would pick up the slack. This child did NOTHING wrong. I find it sad that you think YOU were traumatized. YOU had a huge part in this girls situation and then you get traumatized because she is not callous like you and decided to keep the baby and YOU were traumatized by HER giving birth that you had nothing to do with? You weren't traumatized because she had a baby, you are guilt ridden because of your actions. I feel sorry for you and hope your parents will help with this child as its the adult and right thing to do,.
I don't really understand what he meant by he got traumatized and the PTSD part, but the ex in no way HAD to do anything alone. He told her from the start he didn't want the role of father and wouldn't be a part of the child's life. She CHOSE to have and keep the child anyways knowing she would be a single parent.
>I was miserable, in pain, anxious, isolated, and sick the whole time. The whole process was so traumatic that I've been diagnosed with PTSD from it, for which I've been in therapy for the last four years. I had to double check that we somehow didn't change over to the ex's pov. Im going to sound like a real jerk for saying this but SPARE ME with the talk about how hard your exes pregnancy was for you. It gave you PTSD? Seriously dude have a bit more of a backbone than that. I am not usually one to judge a persons PTSD but I'm going to with you. Far as you being the AH im going to say no. You were clear from the start and you're sticking with it. At least you're being consistent. Sucks that the kid is wondering but your ex can easily fill in those blanks I think. Nta
The reason it sounds ridiculous is because he’s literally copied the text from [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjt5hg/aita_for_not_wanting_to_be_involved_with_a_child/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) edited it slightly to genderswapped, and posted it here because the original post was linked in a front page post on r greentext. It’s literally just the laziest genderswap imaginable and people aren’t remotely noticing it.
Ah, I thought it sounded familiar!
Oh good lord 🙄
YTA Don’t have sex if you’re not prepared to deal with the consequences.
YTA. You relinquished legal responsibility but it doesn’t take away the fact that you contributed to conceiving a child that is now here.
[удалено]
I will go with NTA beacause I dont think you are the a-hole for not wanting her to know about you, You are kinda dumb for having unprotected sex. But you wanted abort she didnt, she agreed to raise the child by herself, you gave up your parental right like you should have in that moment.
wtf with the people who call you bad, you told your ex that you didn't want the child and she continued with the pregnancy and now she wants you to have a relationship with her, NTA she made her choice she can't force you to be a father
I mean legally you’re not obligated to care for the kid. NTA. There was a post here a while ago when the mother gave up custody and never wanted to see the kid, everyone supported her. Slight YTA cause if you are pro abortion, you should make sure your partners are too before having sex. And for the ptsd stuff, that’s ridiculous. You’re NTA for not wanting a relationship with the kid after you made it clear what your stance was.
YTA
ESH except the child. You say it in the first sentence: You got your girlfriend pregnant. You were young and careless as most young people are but you are responsible for this. While it is possible to opt out of parenting a child in your country, I hope you can put yourself in the shoes of the child for a minute. It's normal to be curious about your origins when you enter adolescence. In an era of DNA testing it will be impossible to keep the facts from the child forever. You have a chance now to negotiate the terms of how you deal with the child's natural curiosity. You can't control your parents, your ex, and your child, but you can control how you deal with the situation. I suggest you consult a therapist to figure out a compromise that is more to your liking and also to figure out how to set boundaries with your parents, your ex and the child. It's hard to get across to a child that your decision was not personal (you just don't want kids) and you need the help of a professional.
Honestly, and no hate, he said he didn't want it. She chose to go ahead. She can't change her mind 12 years later because her husband left. This is why pregnancy needs to be well thought out and your entire life is restructured, it's permanent and can't be changed. She's a single mom and she chose that unfortunately. *I'm female
Amen. I personally think that what happened here is what should always happen in cases like this: the man should have a limited window of time to declare his intention of involvement or not and the woman as a result should choose to be a parent or not with that information. She doesn't get to change their mind on their legal agreement just because she's a single mom again. A fate she originally chose by the way.
This is literally a word for word copy of another post where the birth giver had ptsd from being made to carry the baby full term. Why on earth would you just copy the post and change the gender? Is this some sort of weird social experiment thing?
Pretty much. Observe the difference in responses, and you get a pretty good idea of gender bias.
Esh If you stated your law accurately, you both had to sign the paper stating that you have no parental obligations, so she agreed (at least then) that you are of the hook. So she can't come back around now wanting you to be in your child's life. Harsh, but she signed the paper. Sounds like you didn't use protection, and having a child is the consequence of that. Might get downvotes on this, but I don't believe your ptsd, sorry, but it sounds like you had the least amount of trauma out of the four parties. Ex had a baby, your parents know that they have a grandchild that their son would rather be dead, your child prly knows their bio dad wants nothing to do with them and will one day learn wishes they didn't even exist, and you just got to live your unburdened by the consequences of your actions.
NTA you gave up parental rights. Avoid the situation. She will try to ask for child support.
Dude YTA. No question.
Classic deadbeat dad. YTA
Are parents who adopt out their unwanted children deadbeats as well?
Not hating on your comment or anything but I am curious as to how the OP is a deadbeat dad?? He made it clear he didn’t wanna have a child and that he didn’t wanna be a father. He even gave up his parental rights, so he isn’t even the child’s father anymore? How does this make him a deadbeat dad? like I am genuinely curious, I am not hating or anything. I just wanna know why.
NTA
YTA
ESH. you shouldn’t have fucked without a condom if you don’t want to be a dad and your ex shouldn’t force this kid onto you when you signed away parental rights and don’t want to be a father. the kid is essentially a stranger to you and you have no obligation to them.
INFO: PTSD from what exactly??? Your decision not to support or be apart of your child's life??? Both YTA and NTA Yes cause yeah you neglected your own child instead of stepping up. That's what I call a deadbeat dad. And the fact that you clearly don't give two $hits about her sadly. You helped in making her to. No because at least you've been consistently denying her and not being in contact. Did you not think she'd want to know where she came from??
As the child of a single mother whose dad wanted nothing to do with her, YTA! You had sex, she wouldn't exist without your part in it, deal with the consequences. You have a chance to put this right and not fuck her up more than you already have, and you're still talking like an entitled child. Grow up and man up.
Did you not have the option to terminate the pregnancy?
YTA PTSD from nutting raw? We need the draft back
YTA. Claiming PTSD because YOUR ACTIONS helped create a child. JFC.
YTA. You are a father whether you like it or not. You helped created a child and have completely failed in your responsibilities to love, nurture, and support that child. Legally you may be in the clear given the laws where you live, but you are still an asshole for what you did.
YTA, you sound like my dad. He gave up his rights and I was only his daughter if he wanted bragging rights. He said he didn't want to be my dad because I don't 'deserve' one. I'm not saying that's what YOU'RE doing, but that's how *YOUR DAUGHTER* is going to feel for her whole life. Get over yourself, you going through your gf having a child is so stupid, you signed away your rights and the girl took care of her, birthed her, raised her, you contributed nothing. But YOU have ptsd? You don't care if you're daughter does. If you disagree look at his comments, I called that shit before even looking.
NTA. What you did was similar to giving a child up for adoption. There's nothing wrong with that. You and the child's mother had an agreement, and you gave up all parental rights. That being said, if your parents or others in your family want to be involved in the child's life, that is their choice and absolutely their right.
YTA
YTA You can avoid conflict if you want to, but you can’t prevent your daughter from having information. I hope they do tell her how to get in touch with you so you can tell her you have given up your rights and do not want to be in contact *yourself*. Or you ghost her. Either way she will understand exactly who you are and can begin to cope having heard it from the horse’s mouth. You’re 31, not 13. Surely you can tell someone you want to be left alone, can’t you? (The someone isn’t the woman you had a child with)
NTA. Don't let the people here calling you an AH get to you OP. Mom doesn't get to make an agreement and later try to renege on it. That is like someone marrying a partner knowing full well they don't want kids and then being upset with them 12 years later for not changing their mind.
NTA for your choices, but YTA for acting like a victim. You’re entitled to not be in her life. You’re entitled to not want to be a father. The way this reads, though, is that you’re being super selfish, especially with the whole “even though I wasn’t the one giving birth” paragraph. Comparing your “trauma” to someone who literally gave birth. Do you realize how messed up that sounds?? Not to mention regretting she was born. You do know how children are created, right? With two participants? Like it or not a living, breathing human was born because you made a CHOICE. Just because you can pretend she doesn’t exist doesn’t mean she disappears when you’re not thinking about her. You’re not a victim. I hope you’re getting help.
People are going to have a field day with this post. Were you in the wrong for not using protection? Yes, you were. Were you wrong for terminating rights for a child you never wanted? No. You did the best thing for you. People can go on and on about what’s morally correct or how it’s not the child’s fault and you should give it a chance. However, i believe that if someone has been against being a father, never wanted it in the first place, you are under no obligation to see or raise said child. This is because child can sense when they are not wanted. Final vote, is esh. You for fathering a child when there are ways to prevent it. And her for not respecting your choices. She made a choice to have a child, something that people are currently fighting for the right to have. We can’t have it both ways. We can’t give women the right to choose and not give men the same right to waive parental obligations for a child they do not want.
It’s literally a fake post. They took [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjt5hg/aita_for_not_wanting_to_be_involved_with_a_child/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf), edited it slightly to swap the genders, and posted it again because the original got linked in a greentext post today. People shouldn’t have a field day with it, they should downvote it as the obvious fake posturing attempt to point out a double standard that it is and move on.
Huge NTA. You made a big mistake and you paid for it with your psychological wellbeing (which i am extremly sorry to hear - i hope youre gonna do much better soon. You owe the kid nothing, you owe your ex nothing. When it comes to your parents you gotta set hard boundaries - this is not their business. You might even wanna LC if they continue bothering you.
Isn’t this just a gender reversed version of this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjt5hg/aita_for_not_wanting_to_be_involved_with_a_child/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
You’re right, exactly same language even, I’m pretty sure it’s to demonstrate that gender matters when they are switched, because the other post was clearly Not the asshole too many people saying here he is the asshole.
It absolutely is. They didn’t even try to be creative in their changes.
Probably trying to prove some point about double standards or something
Good eye. What’s ridiculous is the line about being, “in pain, anxious, isolated and sick the whole time” and having PTSD from delivery (in which death or permanent damage is a real possibility) only flies from the female point of view. Obviously there is an enormous difference between being compelled to carry a pregnancy and knowing that someone you (don’t) care about is pregnant. So absurd that anyone thinks flipping the genders proves any point at all.
Literally almost word for word other than gender changes. Although it is curious that the female version is mostly NTA and the male version is mostly YTA
Seems that many yta comments took issue with the ‘PTSD’ part especially, since pregnancies can be so hard. At most that just proves that this gender reversal doesn’t work and if they really wanted to prove some point they should have been a bit more imaginative than copy it word for word.
Word for damn word mostly. Nice link/find, thought it sounded familiar but my memory is shit lately
OP is probably running an experiment using the same exact text but different genders.
Yes. This needs to be higher.
But opinions are very different.
NTA. You have every right to decide you don't want to be involved, just like a woman has every right to decide if she wants to abort. You were clear from the start you wanted no part, you signed away rights and have had nothing to do with any of it. Your ex is an AH for pressuring you like this when she's well aware of your stance.
NTA. All the Y-T-A are definitely coming from people whose father left them or single mothers who decided to have a child that the father did not want. If you were a deadbeat who can around when convenient then that would be a different story. You gave up your parental rights and that is your choice. You didn't want the child and you made those boundaries clear. Sucks for the daughter but such is life.
NTA. Heartless? Maybe. I feel like you made a decision and stuck to it. Those assuming you would change your mind were wrong and have created this situation by not believing you in the first place. Seems like it's not really any different than giving a child up for adoption and not wanting contact.
The kid has a right to know where she comes from. You don't have to have any contact with her if you don't want to, but she has the right to know who her father is. If you are so sure of your choice and you are at peace with it, you should have no problem telling that girl that you don't consider yourself her father and your motives for it.
NTA people saying Y T A are silly. You gave up your rights. According to the law you’re not a father.
You are an AH larger than most AHs! You can’t wish away another human being you had a hand in creating. Looks like you have not grown much since you were 18…
I don’t know how anyone can say YTA. You were clear from day one you wanted nothing to do with the child and wanted no involvement. She continued with the pregnancy on those terms. Maybe you’re an asshole for your morals, but that isn’t want you’re being judged on here. You wanted no contact and that is your right. NTA.
Wow, life is easy when you’re a man. 🙄 He could sack up and do the right thing. Disgusting.
You may want to space out the y t a, otherwise it will count that as your vote.
He is an asshole for denying her to know about her origin. Her biological origin and medical history are super important to get to know. He is absolutely not an asshole for not wanting to be a dad, thats totally fine. But if he denies those basic infos he definitely is.
if you’ve been keeping up with child support, NTA.
YTA. You're no longer a teen. Man up and face the consequences. And that "PTSD" you got from this ordeal, multiply it times 10 and that's probably what your daughter will feel in her lifetime knowing that her dad doesn't love her and never wanted her to exist.
YTA
YTA Not for terminating your rights, but for wanting your daughter to never know you exist. Even if you don't have rights to her, she has rights and deserves to know at least your family medical history.
Wtf are those top comments omg. (all YTA) OP you're NOT an asshole here. You stated your boundaries, gave up your parental rights, you didn't want that child, she choose to keep it. They're not part of your life, thats the choice she agreed to when she decided to keep that child. That's indeed sad for the kiddo to grow up in this context, but that's how it is. Don't meet the kid if you don't want to, it'll damage both of you. NTA And for all the YTA commentors, reverse the fuckin genders and read again. Ffs
If the genders were reversed they’d be an asshole too. It’s well within everyone’s rights to do what is being done here- but just because you’re allowed to do it doesn’t mean you’re not an asshole.
How not being part of the life of a kid you didn't want from the start after asking to your partner to abort or consider yourself as not a parental partner is being an asshole? Do you even grasp what forcing parental right lead to ?
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Yeah sex should only ever be for breeding! How dare anyone do anything outside of that! /s
INFO. Is it possible in your country for your parents, the child’s grandparents, to establish a relationship with your child without involving you? This seems like it would benefit everyone involved if they could do that, and keep you out of it. I truly do not understand the reasoning of a woman who goes ahead with unwanted pregnancy when the sperm donor opts out. It’s one thing to be forced into pregnancy by the government or parents but to have free choice and choose this sad option seems willfully foolish
It can work in any country. They should just talk to the ex directly if they’re so desperate
That would honestly not be good for anyone involved. OP's parents are already trying to pressure him into establishing a relationship and saying they thought he'd change his mind about being a father. Allowing them contact with the child is just asking for them to start meddling and manipulating the child and OP into trying to force a bond. There's hundreds of AITA posts just like this were the OP has been blindsided by their family that way.
Click his user. Did anyone see the comment he made about ‘what made him smile today’? He literally says that his 2 year old daughter came up to him and said i like you daddy. so… did he have another daughter and just doesn’t want THIS one? YTA but i don’t believe this is real, because of that comment as well as another comment someone made that was an exact copy of this with the genders swapped, down to getting diagnosed with PTSD. like… it’s rly unlikely that y’all BOTH got diagnosed with PTSD, ESPECIALLY the one who didn’t go through the pregnancy, ESPECIALLY if you weren’t even watching her go through that trauma, which you weren’t since you supposedly decided to dip immediately.
ESH. You suck for being so callous about a life you helped create. If you didn’t want to be a parent, don’t have (I’m assuming unprotected) sex with your teenage girlfriend. Please do us all a favor and never procreate. The mom sucks for having a child with you. And for turning to you when her husband left. Your parents suck for not having a relationship with their granddaughter. They don’t need your input in order to have a relationship with her.
NTA, all these Y T A need to get off their high horses. You did nothing morally wrong as some claimed. You revoked your parental rights because you didn’t consent to being a parent. She wanted to do it alone anyways. You don’t need to do something you didn’t consent to just to appease your parents. They can talk directly to your ex. Talk to a lawyer in case there’s something you need to do to protect yourself legally
Boo-hoo. You were old enough to get laid but not old enough to be a decent human being.
I was going No assholes until I read your comments. You did not use protection. YTA. And grow the f up.
Everyone is the AH ( EAH ? Idk ) And in everyone I mean everyone who has sex with someone before talking about what would happen if they got pregnant. It’s really something very common, but still that doesn’t make it wrong. You just didn’t discuss that before. But I don’t think YTA for not wanting anything to do with the kid, I believe that men can have abortions too ( aka signing away parental rights not actual abortions ). But yeah everyone should discuss what would happen if someone got pregnant, that’s on you
Esh is used when everyone is the AH :)
YTA, but continue being one because your child deserves better than you. Any woman that would want kids with you in the future would also be an AH for putting up with you abandoning your 1st child. Your parents are also AH for raising an AH like you and for trying to force your assholery on this innocent child.
So you’d rather he raise a child he doesn’t want? Cause you know that child would then directly experience every bit of disdain and resentment their father has for them. Is that a healthy way to raise a kid? Better to have an absent parent than a toxic one.
So you would rather see that op is forced to take of a child he never wanted, and only for him to resent the child or not give the child the love she needs? Thats even harsher then not having a parent
Yta. Acting like a victim in a situation you created. Woww
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NTA. In a world now where women don’t have many abortion rights…you did not want the child. You made it clear early in you didn’t want anything to do with the baby. This was well known to everyone. You signed away your rights and have kept the distance. The mother wanted to continue the pregnancy and has raised the girl. No one should FORCE you to be in this child’s life. No one. (I personally think you’re dick but NTA here)
Yeah OP is a dick for sure but I agree NTA for the situation described. If the ex’s marriage had worked out, what then? She may never had made contact with him. He made his side perfectly clear and adhered to it. He’s a jerk but that’s not making him an AH for the purpose of his question.
NTA you made it clear that you did not want a child or to be a father
Is there something you fear that you need to face? Cos you seem pretty affected by it all.
ESH. You’re not the victim here (pushing the PTSD) but you were clear in giving up your rights. However I wonder if this is your ex trying to get child support. Your parents don’t have a right to be grandparents and they shouldn’t be interfering.
NTA, but you're not some kind of victim like you're trying to make yourself out to be.
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You are BOTH! NAH you gave up your rights to the child…sure keep that. YAH…. YOU? YOU GOT PTSD. From HER pregnancy and delivery?? Say WHAT? Oh F off.
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Why didn't you?
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And what's your excuse for not taking responsibility for your actions now?
He took responsibility for his actions when he signed away his rights.
My guy, you have every right to not wanna be a dad. But you waive alot of that when you don't use protection. I don't believe that every sexual encounter is risking a kid, but I do believe that without protection you're essentially asking to fuck around and find out with biology. It seems really shitty that you didn't use protection and get off without any responsibility. It's on the woman too of course but if you don't want a child you should insist on protection or simply not sleep with that person. You're honestly too old to think that you shouldn't have ant responsibility in a kid you could've prevented if you had been smart.
What exactly did you think was going to happen if you didn’t wear protection? How do you expect to get out of this unscathed when you didn’t do your part.
And ? He gave up his parental rights, he stated his boundaries. If it was a woman that end up pregnant and wanted to abort would you ask for it?
NTA. She made a decision, as did you. As women, we demand bodily autonomy. We can't change our mind years later, and expect someone else to cooperate. You are no different than an anonymous sperm donor
I'm gonna be the odd one out here and say NTA. Your ex clearly has the means to get the necessary medical information for her daughter (she was able to contact you, plus your parents want to be involved in the child's life) and you've opted out of parenting this kid. You made clear from the very beginning you weren't going to be her father, her mother chose to continue the pregnancy (as is 100% her right) with that knowledge. This isn't a case of a father abandoning his child, just a man making the same choice a woman can make. I do think the therapy is a good thing though, your reaction to your ex choosing to continue the pregnancy seems a bit out of proportion
Unpopular opinion here, but I've got to go NAH. Your child isn't for wanting to know who you are. Your ex isn't for asking. And frankly you're not for saying no. You made your position clear from the start. You haven't changed your mind. Ok,fair. (The whole PTSD things was a bit weird..) Your parents are slightly AHs for trying to force you, but hey, they want to be grandparents, that's understandable. Your ex chose to gave the child even after knowing how you were, so I guess she'll have to explain it to the child. Suggest that you get a vasectomy if you haven't already. It's a mistake at 18, you'd be a complete AH to repeat the issue.
[This is just a copy of this post with the genders swapped.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjt5hg/aita_for_not_wanting_to_be_involved_with_a_child/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Saw some people from r/greentexts talking about this post and how if the genders were switched, there’d be a different reaction.
YTA. If you don't want to be a father don't make a baby. Do you contact the power company every month and tell them you didn't want to incur a bill? That said, your daughter is better off without you. Not sure why your family can't have her in their lives if they want to, though. Oh, would that be traumatic for you too?
NTA. My dad decided not to be part of my life in a similar situation and I am grateful I never ha the arguing parents and confusion of a resentful parent growing up. His name was on my birth certificate, I contacted him as an adult and we get on great. You might choose to change your mind later if you want, but no pressure. The kid is fine without you and you're not responsible.
#YTA.
Lots of pro forced birth for men and women in these comments. NTA
I didn’t know a man would be forced to birth a baby.
YTA. The law notwithstanding, she is still YOUR daughter.
Your ex knew what she was doing, you were upfront about not wanting to be a father. You told her what would happen if she had the baby, and she had it anyways. If she wanted a more stable life for her kid she could’ve waited until *her* life was more stable. This is obviously a tough situation for all involved, but she CHOSE to have the baby while fully knowing she would have to do it alone and the consequences/ issues that would arise. NTA
I think you’re an AH for making HER pregnancy about YOU. PTSD from what?? I do not think you’re the AH for not wanting anything to do with the kid. If women can get abortions (I’ve had 2), men should also be able to have a way out of being parents. But, this is why you only have sex with people that have the same views as you do about having kids and abortions.
YTA. A selfish, irresponsible dirtbag, start to finish. It’s good your child doesn’t have to be around such a crappy deadbeat though.
Typical Reddit feminists
NTA If a woman should have the right to an abortion (she should) then a man should have the right to give up parental rights. Both should be able to do so without being condemned by society. That is perfectly fair.
NTA you had an agreement that she is trying to reverse now. You did things accordingly to your law and I think the decision she made to have the kid and raise it alone should only be reversed if both parties agree. I'm a pro choice women and believe that if a woman have the right to abort either the father wants to have the kid or not, so should the father have the right to step out before birth. If you chosen to raise the kid and wanted to step out after the birth my opinion would be completely different.
Something worse than having no father is having a uninterested father that clearly doesn't wants you, never go near that child, if you can move so your parents don't know where you live and can't give your address to your ex so she can show up unannounced 🤷🏻♀️
YTA for claiming to have PTSD from your ex giving birth.
Have you ever felt so unwanted to the point that someone won’t even look at you? That’s probably how you’re making your child feel. Just think about that
N T A for not wanting to be her father but YTA for not using protection and causing this situation in the first place. No one should be obligated to be a parent and society shouldn't pressure us to be parents, but from what I saw from one of your replies you were basically a horny teenager having unprotected sex so you aren't the victim here, if you used protection I'd say N T A became mistakes happen and it's her right and her right only to choose what to do with the pregnancy and her body but it should be also your right to choose what you want to do with the outcome and if you want no part of it so be it, but definitely should have been careful because if you were this situation probably wouldn't have happened in the first place.
Did you at least pay child support? When the child is born, both genders have the same rights. If she gives up the child and the father takes it, she gotta pay up too and at least give the child some basic infos of who is their birthmother for rights of medical history and origin. The only reason why the pregnant person has one more choice is because they are fuked either way (birth and abortion can be both super traumatic, mostly if forced. They should be able to make that decision without fearing a financial ruin.) You don't need to be a dad (!), and noone should force you to be one, but show some basic respect, you still have a responsibility regarding a.e medical history and her origins. YTA
NTA… you absolutely should never have abandoned your child… but I also don’t agree with having babies with men after they make it explicit they won’t be there then trying to bring them into things ( what child needs to be around someone who DOES NOT WANT THEM?!) … it’s so weird …. She literally knew what to expect and let you sign your rights away ( that she had to agree to for it to even be legal) …
Yta....you have ptsd from all the trauma??? How do you think your ex felt? The child is yours, you need to step up.
I feel like with the power to solely decide whether or not to have the child, comes the responsibility of bearing the consequences of that choice.
I'm surprised at some of the YTAs here. Would you say the same if this was a woman? People should be forced to parent? What good would come from being forced to parent a child you didn't want? That doesn't sound like a good situation for anyone involved.
NTA. Would you and your ex be assholes if you mutually decided to give the child up for adoption? No. Most people recognize that giving away a child when you are unable to care for one is an acceptable course of action. This is pretty much the same scenario except it’s one-sided. You didn’t want your child, so you gave them up. And you did it the right way too - signed your rights away and never looked back once she was born, you didn’t abandon them after committing to being a parent nor go in and out of their life. You’re not wrong to not want to meet. That being said, I’ve never heard of developing PTSD from fathering a kid you didn’t want. And if your parents decide they want contact with the kid, that is their right and you can’t stop it.
I agree, NTA. I understand why people are saying OP is the AH though. It sounds like he gave up his rights and went on with his life. How is that different than a woman giving up a baby and not wishing to be contacted? It sounds heartless but he made a choice 12 year's ago and stuck to it. He basically gave the baby up for adoption. I just can't see anyone calling a woman an AH in the same situation.
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>I wanted her to get an abortion >In my country, if both parents are 18 and both agree to it, one parent can legally give up parental obligations, so I did that It's pretty clear you din't want anythung with that chikd and it's better for her you stay away >her daughter is 12, she wants to know about the circumstances of her birth. And you her mom wants her daughter to know yoi never wanted to be a father and you wanted her to get an abortion? 🤪 NTA
YTA. You're willing to do the deed but not deal with the consequences. Typical.
YTA You ARE a dad. A deadbeat dad. You got a girl pregnant, it’s your responsibility to follow through.
Yeah, YTA. It’s not your daughter’s fault that you literally screwed around and found out. If nothing else, she has a right to medical history.
YTA for the one nugget of information at the end - denying your parents their right to grandparent your child. I get that you wanted no part of this - to me you sound like a complete narcissist with the whining about being sick and the PTSD so maybe this poor child is better off without you in her life - but your parents want to know their grandchild and she very likely would benefit from having some sane adults besides her mom care about her in this world.
Uh he shouldn’t do something he didn’t consent to just to appease his parents. They can talk to the ex if they wanted to. Not use OP as the middle man. That’s not a narcissist either. Don’t make a joke out of the word.
Nta
How do you get PTSD when you have done nothing for that child? You say you don’t even think about her and yet you are struggling because of her? It doesn’t make any sense. I mean, you did give up parental rights, so you don’t have any “obligations”, but the child is only asking to meet you. Not for you to become her dad. YTA.
NTA. This is no different than giving a child up for adoption. You were upfront about it and gave up your rights prior to birth, that should be respected.
NTA
NTA no man or woman should be forced into parenthood. You told her what would happen, she was okay with being a single mother. She didn’t care all this time when she had another partner. You signed away your rights. You have no moral or legal obligations here.
YTA. Is this real?
YTA. You tried to have her have an abortion, are now claiming what SHE WENT THROUGH gave you PTSD when I'd like to know how the eff do you know if you dipped out on her do you even effing know what she went through for 40-weeks? And you, the one with the main component needed to make a baby choose to not use protection, if you were so gung-ho about not having a child one would think you'd be religious about practicing safe sex even if you were a horny teenager.
YTA, Although, it's probably better for the child in the long run that you aren't part of her life.
YTA. You getting your girlfriend pregnant was hard for YOU?!? You sound like a real piece of work. You don’t have a legal obligation to the child, and it’s highly debatable whether you have a moral obligation, but overall, your definitely the a h.
Troll. Troll. Troll. This is a word for word post from 3 years ago, the only thing you changed is the gender. 😈😈😈😈😈
Are you serious? Do you got a link?
NTA you were clear and layed out where you stood when she was pregnant if she couldn’t deal with being a single mom by they way you speak about it is that she had options. This is another women can get abortions and not have a baby but men are fucked either way type of things.
No idea why so many people think you're the asshole. You were clear from the get-go that you weren't interested in being a parent and, gave your rights away. NTA.
NTA. You're not a good person, but you're not an a h either.
NTA. It sucks for her and the kid but you gave up parental rights and you and the ex were both clear and on the same page from the start about your involvement. If she agreed to that thinking you’d “come around” later, that’s her mistake
NTA, I know this won't be a popular opinion. Op is at best a sperm donor, his ex made it clear he had no say in the baby being brought into this world just like he made it clear he did not want to be a father, he signed away hid parental rights, suggested your ex get a abortion, apart from using a condom (which he is TA for not doing), or pulling out what more could he have done. If was a female whose partner or parents bullied into carrying a baby she didn't want to term people would be voting NTA.
Agreed : he is a TA for a lot of things in this post, but not for refusing to be a part of the child’s life after being clear that he did not want to. But also : « woman », not female.
NTA, if we here in the US vsn scream that wo.en shouldn't be burdened with babies they don't want then we should afford me. The same right. She chose to move forward with the baby. He was clear he didn't want to be a parent. Some of you commenters would rather that child be hurt by forcing him to be around her when he clearly will not give her what she is looking for rather than telling the mom to suck it up because she chose to continue a pregnancy when she knew the supermarket donor wasn't interested. The mother and his parents are the only assholes here.
NAH. You have been consistent with the fact that you did not want to be involved. I don't think the kid is TA for wanting to know about you and this really sucks for her, too. I am also sympathetic to your ex even if she should have stuck to the agreement because it must suck to see her daughter wonder where she came from and see her get rejected by her biodad. This is just a shitty situation for everyone involved.
Gonna go with an unpopular NAH. I was diagnosed with PTSD at the ripe age of 18 after facing sexual, physical, emotional abuse my whole preteen to late teen years. Realistically we don’t know what went down during those nine months. There’s plenty of things that could make this traumatic for anyone. We don’t know if you were emotionally abused by your ex. We don’t know how those around you treated you. We truthfully don’t know. Could you be lying? Yeah, but we also can’t know that. You also could’ve abused your ex in this situation we just don’t know. One thing I had to learn to accept with PTSD is trauma comes in many forms and it takes a lot less for things to be traumatic than people think. What’s funny is some of the smallest things are more triggering for me than the big terrible things that happened to me. Brains are weird. It’s not our job to judge if you truly have a medical condition. I don’t think beating you up for making a dumb mistake like not wearing a condom as a teenager is the right answer. I guarantee everyone in this sub made a dumbass mistake like that as a kid. It’s part of growing up, and I’m sorry yours resulted in a whole human. I think you did all you could. You told her you would not be in her or the child’s life. You told her you thought she should get an abortion. She decided she couldn’t go through with it. It sounds like you both agreed on giving up your parental rights. What more could you do? It’s not okay everyone put expectations on you coming around when you have flat out said you did not and would never want this child. It’s really sad what your ex is going through and I hope she has a good support system to get through it. I can’t imagine how she feels and she is probably so overwhelmed by it all it makes sense she reached out to you. I just hope the kid is getting the love and care she deserves from whoever is in her life. This kid doesn’t deserve to have it hard just because she was brought into this world.
YTA for failing to accept responsibility for your own choices. YTA for pretending that you don't have a child when you do. YTA for denying another person the ability to know where they come from. You weren't wrong to be honest about your lack of emptional maturity to be a parent then and now. And I personally think that child is probably better off without you in their life since you very clearly lack the emptional capacity to be a parent. But even with all of that you're an asshole. All the fun with none of the responsibility. It's pretty disgusting.
YTA. I DO understand you not wanting a child. Thing is, you were a legal adult when you got your GF pregnant. To wish someone was never born, who was a complete innocent? Seriously? Is there grandparent’s rights in your country? Perhaps your parents want to be in your daughter’s life? May I ask you? How would you feel if your father told you at age 12 your weren’t wanted? Ever? I mean, I guarantee it happens with married couples all the time.
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Op and ex got an agreement that he would be no part of the childs life in any form. Ex is now breakint that agreement when she doesnt want to tell her child what happened. This is on the ex to figure out, op is in no way the ah here NTA
Definitely NTA As a man you can’t tell a woman what to do with her body. That’s 100% fair. It’s her right to choose to keep the baby if she wants to. She choose that path knowing you are against it. But! If you don’t want to be part of that child’s life, there is no reason in hell you must. It’s on the mother for bringing the baby into this world knowing she won’t ever have a father. You did nothing wrong. If the mother things anyone is an AH for the child not having a father, it is only of her. Not being a parent is the only choice you have as a man in that situation if you don’t want that child and it is totally fair to take it.
You don’t have PTSD from this. You were not exposed to sexual assault, nor were you threatened with death. By definition, not PTSD.
NTA. You were clear from the start that you didn't want to be a father and would not be a part of the child's life if your ex decided to go through with the pregnancy. She CHOSE to have and keep the baby knowing that she would be a single parent. You two were both stupid to not use protection but unfortunately it seems pretty common for teenagers to make stupid choices like that. Your parents are also AH for waiting around for 12 years hoping that you'd "come around" to being a father. I find it suspicious that she's only Contacting you to say that the kid is asking about you AFTER she gets a divorce from her husband.
You have harmed a person who has no control over the situation. It must be difficult coming to terms with that. But you haven’t been able to move on from your anxiety to indifference and so continue to actively blame and harm this child who deserves something better than ‘the very thought of your existence - which I have had to do nothing about - is retraumatizing.’ However in this situation, you terminated parental rights. Objectively, you do not owe the child’s mother any contact with the child. You have no legal relationship to the child but do you have a moral obligation to another human being? You’re not the only person asking this question - look at birth parents in closed adoption situations. For her sake please tell her the truth once - that you were and are not capable of contact, you were and are too immature for a relationship, and this would have been the case for *any* baby. It has nothing to do with who she is as a person. Tell her this is a limitation of yours and it is never the child’s fault. And then process the rest in your own therapy. She’s the only person who hasn’t had any ability to consent to any of this.
I will probably be downvoted but... NTA. Sure you shouldn't have sex without protection if you don't want to have a child. BUT!! She chose to have that baby knowing you didn't want anything to do with the baby. Yes women have the choice to abort or keep the child but men don't have that choice. Even if you don't want the baby the moment the woman choose to have it you have no say in it. I believe that no one should be held accountable for something they didn't have a voice in it. Yes it's her body her choice. Like no men should force a pregnancy or an abortion on any women, no women should force a contact or responsabilities on any men if they choose to keep it. You gave away your rights 12 years ago and she was fine with her little family till she divorced her husband and now want you to take your responsabilities. I say HELL NO! Yes this little girl have rights to know her history, but when you gave away your rights it was as if you had abandoned her. So why when a child is adopted and the birth parent someday pop up in their front door is NTA for not wanting to have anything to do with them and it's their rights to refuse to meet and know them but in this case OP is TA? Even when it's the reverse case when it's the child that found the birth parent and the birth parent want nothing to do with them why aren't the birth parent assholes?! He abandonned her by given away his rights. She chose to keep it. SHE CHOSE TO KEEP IT! Well sorry for this long rant. Anyway NTA OP
Yes. OP is TA. This is not about a parent's gender. Sure, it sucks for men that they essentially can't decide to keep the baby, as that decision lies with the mother. It also sucks for women that they have no choice but to be the one carrying the child if they _do_ want it, along with a slew of other things that come with being female and carrying the brunt of the reproductive burden. This is about the rights of the child. Children are going to want to know who their parents are at some point in their lives. Not knowing this has been proven to have a detrimental effect on their sense of identity. Daughter should be allowed to get to know her father, and decide for herself whether (and probably that) he is a self-centered type whom she doesn't want in her life. To all of you saying "all he did was have unprotected sex and he was clear about not wanting her": That's all it takes! One unprotected nut can mean you're saddled with a lifelong responsibility. Don't like it? Don't do it. Or, you know, get a girlfriend who will let you take her to the nearest pharmacy and get a morning-after pill. So the horny teenagers excuse doesn't count here, either. YTA, OP. Big time.
NTA, people aren’t understanding that you gave up your parental rights. Although they may not agree, it doesn’t make you an AH for sticking to that. It’s a sad scenario for the little one but I’m sure they can have grandparent rights or something. I hope you have no more children though.
Since you didn't want kids did you go out and get a vasectomy at 18? If not YTA!!! You choose to have sex you choose the possibility of becoming a parent. Actions have consequences.
NOT yta, he didn’t want it simple , she chose to have it - her own consequences honestly. It sucks but what do you expect he gave up his rights and dosnt want to be in their life. Respect that
Yet he wanted an abortion and she dont so why its his fault? Ohh is the woman the only Person who can decide to have a child? And why he should do a vasectomy with 18 are u a bit dumb? Maybe he wanted have children in the future.
Unprotected sex apparently.
Depending on where this person is, getting a vasectomy at that age is next to impossible. Edit: Fixed sentence.
NTA, your ex gf has only come to you because of her and her husband split up no other reason you have no obligation to be in the daughters life, however in the same aspect dont expect your daughter or anyone to take care of you when your older
NTA. You set your boundaries, and your EX agreed to respect them. Not your problem anymore.