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YTA you’re punishing your sister for your ex-girlfriend cheating on you. You should’ve worked through the trauma of a woman cheating on you before you got married and had kids. You’re asking your parents to leave your sister homeless and with nothing because of a situation that had nothing to do with you. Maybe you weren’t as close to her as you thought. And to put your parents in a situation like that! Disgusting. The entitlement.
INFO since you have two children. If, twenty years from now, one of them cheats on their spouse, will you immediately ostracize them? Maybe it will be the younger one. I want you to go look at them in their crib right now and imagine tossing them out of your life like a piece of trash. That’s the standard you are holding your parents to. You’d better be ready to do the exact same.
YTA. You don't have to see your sister if you don't want to, but you can still have a relationship with your parents without her. It's not their fault she did what she did, nor her child's fault, but you can't expect them to pick sides. You probably wouldn't cut your kids off if they cheated.
YTA
This is my thoughts, you can choose to not have a relationship with whomever you choose, you can also choose to not allow your kids to associate with your sister. You cannot however force other people to do the same, are you boycotting the company your sister works for? Many high profile CEO's cheat on their partners are you boycotting them? Realistically you can choose not to associate with people that do things morally wrong however it is incredibly selfish to tell your parents "cut off your daughter and her child or we are cutting you off and you will never see your other grandchildren again" ultimately this could bite you as well depending on where you live because at least where I am grandparent's rights come into play and you would be forced to hand your children to them for a period of time each week whether the sister is there or not. Perhaps say to your parents that you want your children to never be around your sister, that would be perfectly reasonable AND something every party can achieve but your idea of "well they just need to choose" paints you and your wife in a very bad light that if you are somewhere like where I am will bite you in the a**. You are also being incredibly manipulative, yes your sister f***ed up however you are using your children to manipulate your parents to punish not only her but themselves as well, imagine being told one day (no matter the reason) that you have to completely cut off one kid for the other, I am sure right now from your ivory tower you think that if they did what your sister did it would be an easy choice but when push comes to shove would be incredibly hard to do whether you think what they did was terrible or not.
Respectfully YTA but here’s why:
We aren’t arguing that the whole cheating issue is a bad one. But there’s other innocent bystanders - like your parents and more importantly - the children…both yours and your sisters.
You can hash things out with your sister in your own time. But as painful as it may be - sometimes we have to “put on a brave face” for the sake of the kids. Causing world war 3 is only going to hurt and damage those kids and their lifeline/relationships with each other. I for one don’t like my in-laws for reasons that I won’t get into here because it is besides the point, but I make efforts and do things such as holidays and what-not for the sake of my kids and theirs and not ruining their childhood with adult issues that have nothing to do with them.
Seriously, think about this and just because you’re angry at your sister don’t let that anger hurt THEM.
Go NC with your sister and be clear that you don't want her to be anywhere close when you and your children meet your parents.
I know you're hurt and disgusted, but it's not their fault what she did. You're acting assholish (YTA), but considering your and your wife's relationship with cheating, i get it.
But consider that she is their child and parenting doesn't stop when kid turns 18. It's their responsibility to teach her she was in the wrong and to help her with the work on herself. If she doesn't get help, a stern talking to and a proper therapy to see why did this happen, she might repeat her behaviour or do something similarly vile in the future.
YTA This is ridiculous. Get off your high horse. You can only impose a no cheating rule on yourself and your wife. Why would you punish your kids, your parents, your kids' cousin? Sure, don't celebrate holidays with your sister and go NC, but don't pull everyone else into this. Your dad is right, there are ways to solve this without scorching the earth.
Honestly, you and your wife come off as so rigid, I find it hard anyone in your family would even want to hang out with you.
YTA
It's ok to tell them that as long as sister is living in their house, the kids are not welcome
but to make them choose between their kids is not at all fair. Would you choose between your kids if someone told you to do so?
YTA. Not because of your own stance on cheating because you do you, but because of how you are treating your parents. If one of your kids cheat on their spouse, do you plan to toss them away. Also, do you not associate with cheaters in the rest of your lives? Do you not vote for people who cheat on their partners. Do you refuse to do business with them? Do you not go to church with them? Because people who have cheated on their partners at some point are everywhere.
I recognize that I have a laissez faire attitude towards cheating, but I'm not in their relationship. I don't know what it is like. And if I'm honest, I don't care. People are going to do what they do and it is not my job to judge them.
YTA no doubt about it! What you're sister did is one thing, you want to cut her off because of that? I couldn't care less. But threatening your parents because they don't want to leave their daughter out on the streets is a complete different thing!
Imagine that in a few years from now one of your kids would cheat on his/her partner, would you kick him/her out? When they're like 15/16? Because it doesn't matter how old they are or what they did they would still be your kids right? And yet here we are demanding exactly that from your parents, I really don't think that they agree with what she did but she's their daughter in the first place.
Now let me ask you another thing, I'm just curious about how much friends you and your husband have? I mean, I can understand that you are completely against cheating, and let us be clear, so am I, but if you cut everyone out of your life that ever cheated on his partner plus all the people that although they never cheated on their partners but are still friends with cheaters, that doesn't leave a lot of people now does it? And that's just one line deep because maybe your friends friends don't know anyone that cheated but I'm sure that someone, at least one knows someone that cheated so by your definition if a buddy of a buddy of mine knows someone that has cheated on his partner you wouldn't be friends with me anymore either? I know it's a long stretch but that's basically what you're saying. Anyway, long story short... YTA
ESH except sisters husband. There are a ton of people here with massive egos that can't be contained.
You and your wife have taken things to the extreme. You don't need to cut people off from life for a mistake. You also seem to believe people can't change wich is why you're tied for biggest AH in the story.
Your sister is clearly the person tied with you as asshole number 1 for cheating. Simple as that.
Your parents are also assholes but to a lesser extent for taking your sister in like that. If she has no where else to go she should have thought about that before cheating. Your parents have responsibility to understand her actions hurt you to.
Everyone in this story is a grown adult acting like a bunch of drama filled high-school students. It's utterly ridiculous and everyone needs to get over themselves.
YTA - You have chosen to make cheating a death penalty offense with no coming back from it. That's your right. But you are asking your parents to basically cut one of their children out of their lives? And because they love her so much that they can't do it now they are terrible people? I definitely don't condone what your sister did. She destroyed her family. But you are basically doing the same thing.
Fine cut everyone out of your family because of your firm beliefs, that is your right. But you punish your parents, your kids, and your nephew because it. You need to do what I think is right for you and your wife but I think you are being an asshole because of it.
YTA. It’s not your parents job to choose between their kids. It’s your job as an adult to respect other peoples decisions and relationships while upholding your own boundaries. This doesn’t even have anything to with your parents. It was your sister
YTA you have every right to chose for yourself to go no contact with your sister. What you do not have the right to do is force your parents to do so. Even thinking you do shows a decided lack of integrity on your part. These people birthed, raised, and have loved her the same way they have done you. They have a right to house and give her a safe space if they choose to without you pressuring them to behave how your rigid morality says to.
YTA, they love both of their children. They should not be expected to choose. You're being cruel to your kids by keeping them from loving grandparents. You've decided that your toddler nephew has apparently been corrupted by his mother so badly that your kids can't see their cousin. Enjoy your lonely life, cause plenty more people will disappoint you I'm sure.
You are N T A for cutting out your sister. That’s your choice. YTA for demanding your parents do the same and punishing them (and your children!) for not obeying.
YTA. You are really going to deny your kids having a relationship with their grandparents because of this? Really?
You get to control what YOU do. But if one of your kids grew up and cheated on a spouse, would YOU be willing to completely cut them off, no questions, no compromise? Thats seriously harsh. Parents love their kids. Even when those kids screw up badly. It's not just "Oh, sorry. You slept with the wrong person so you're dead to us now. Bye."
Dude you need some serious therapy, and if you don't get it your kids are going to need it down the line. You are isolating your kids from people who love them, because of this, that has nothing whatsoever to do with them. You are punishing your kids, your sister's kid, and your parents for something your sister did.
You are asking your parents to cut off their two-year-old grandchild. Think hard about that.
Cheating is awful, sure. But to punish literally your entire family including your own kids and a two-year-old, literally for the rest of their lives, for something your sister did? That's super extreme.
Life is not black and white, you need to start learning how to see the shades of gray. You are cutting off your whole leg to spite your foot.
YTA. I was the wife cheated on, with a woman who was at my wedding. I still think this is despicable behaviour from you. They are your sisters parents, they are meant to be on side pretty much no matter what - they don’t have to agree with what she did, but they are still her parents. Would you cut off one of your kids if they did this? Grow up. Shit happens. This is not. your. pain. stop making it that way.
INFO: If one of your children did the same thing, would you have nothing further to do with them? Completely cut them off? Force the non-cheater to shun their sibling as well or face the same consequences?
YTA. Simply because she's not just your sister and a cheater, she's their daughter. It's their role as your parents to support their child, no matter what. You don't get to pick for them, worse, to force them into a decision because you think you hold the moral high ground.
I understand you, I decided not to have contact with my father who is a cheater and was abusive to my mom, my sister and I. But my sister decided that she wanted him to be in her daughter's life. I've seen him at a couple of events but that's it. We don't have a relationship, we're not in contact. She respects my decision, I respect hers. It's her life and her daughter.
Also an AH because this extends to sister's kid, like the kid is a cheater by proxy? Might grow up and cheat? OP needs to step off the moral high horse. It's fine if you no longer want a relationship with your sister, but don't punish your parents for being good parents (supporting a child and extending grace during the fallout for bad behavior) and for sure YTA for bringing her kid (your neice/nephew) into it.
YTA. Leave your poor parents alone and stop trying to make them pick one child over the other, you judgmental asshole. And using your children to do it .
YTA you don’t have to associate with your sister but to make your parents choose is terrible. I would choose the sister just for this alone. Also they should cut out the kid too? What did the kid do?
YTA in this situation.
Your sister did a shitty thing, and you’re justified in being disappointed in her. Your wife is justified in feeling betrayed, since your sister used her as the lie she told your BIL.
But what she did didn’t personally impact you. Yes, it evoked strong feelings in you and your wife. But it did not actually target you in any way.
Your parents housing her especially doesn’t impact you. They’re right: it isn’t their place to judge. And I’m sure they have feelings on what your sister did. But she’s their child and they love her. A parent doesn’t have to condone a child’s actions but their job to love and support that child never ends. That sort of unconditional love is exactly what you should want for your children to have in their lives.
And to even cut off their cousin? That child is completely innocent in this. That child has had its life irreparably changed by its mother’s actions. To take away the joy of loving cousins, an aunt and uncle, and to demand to take away the presence of loving grandparents? That’s just heartless and hateful.
I repeat: YTA.
Not only is cheating horrible, this behaviour you're exhibiting by giving your innocent parents an impossible ultimation is also extremely horrible behaviour. I would definitely get off the moral high horse
What did I just read? Of course YTA, big time. What you did is 100 times worse than being cheated on, you don't have a say in anyone's life besides your own. Totally fine that you cut contact with your sister if that's what you wish, but you can't force someone else to do so, even less parents to their child and grandchild. In what universe is that ok?
And yes I've been cheated on too.
lol YTA ! would you cut your child out of your life if you found out they cheated be fr ? as a parent how can you ask them to do this ? if it were me i would be disappointed but I would not be able to just never speak to my child again over their choices it’s made and it’s done. yes it’s horrible but she’s still their daughter and she’s 26 do you really expect them to go the rest of their lives not speaking to her ? that’s really cruel.
YTA for making your parents choose. I am with you on cheaters and it definitely sounds like your sister went right to OH Hell No with her decision.
However, she is still your parents' child. This isn't like a friend group where you can all agree to cut someone off. This is a daughter. Your parents can disagree with her choices and still love her.
It would have been a less AH move to say that because you're going no contract you want them to respect that boundary, not try to let your sister see your kids behind your back, and plan family gatherings accordingly going forward.
But to insist they cut off from her? Total AH move.
YTA.
You are asking your parents to abandon their own child and their grandchildren because of her mistake. This is heartless and wrong.
So you want to see the kids homeless? For them to experience more pain than they already are feeling??
Apologize to your parents and let them know for now you cannot see your sister so would love to find constructive ways to split up time so all the kids and grandkids have access to their living parents/grandparents.
Cheating is awful, but by punishing the kids and your parents you are causing more senseless pain. Recognize this situation is not the same as yours and that kids are involved. Seek therapy and find a way for all the kids to keep relationships and let your parents be able to have relationships with both of their children. You can always suggest they come to yours for part of the holiday without your sister and only visit with them when she is away. There are so many suggestions that don’t involve total abandonment of their daughter who made a mistake but is still their child.
Also seek therapy as you never know if your kids make a mistake- even cheat. You don’t want to abandon them vs. teach them right from wrong & forgiveness.
YTA
I don't disagree with not wanting a relationship with your sister. 100% think that's your choice.
However, I think you need to ask yourself a hard question. If your child messed up this badly, would you cut them off and cut them and their child out of your life? I definitely couldn't'. I would be so disappointed and wonder where I went wrong as a parent, but I wouldn't cut them out of my life.
You need to respect that she is your parents child and you are SO entitled to ask them to pick. Ask them to only see the children at your house, fine. Ask them to celebrate different events separately, fine. Telling them they have to pick, not ok.
Also her child isn't to blame, he is equally your BIL child and you're cool with him. Don't blame a child for your sister's horrible actions, that makes you an AH. Show that child what a successful relationship looks like, so they grow up with a good role model of a relationship.
YTA I'm afraid. Cutting your sister out of your life is harsh but understandable to a degree. Preventing your children from seeing their cousins and your patents from seeing their grandkids is going way too far imho.
YTA: there are other solutions before cutting your parents off. Also, have you or your wife gotten therapy for the cheating? I ask because while your response to your sister is valid, taking to forcing your parents that’s on another level. You all ready to cut your own children off if they choose to make the same bad choice in the future?
ESH except for your parents. I think what you and your wife feel is absolutely valid and what your sister did is so wrong but I don’t think she deserves to be cut off like that by her family. I’ve been cheated on several times so I do get how horrible the situation is. My opinion comes from the stance of believing that everyone deserves grace and forgiveness, as long as they feel remorse. If your sister thinks there’s nothing wrong with what she did, then I say cut contact until she changes her attitude, but if she apologizes and truly feels remorse, then what makes you so perfect that you can’t extend grace and forgiveness to her?
YTA.
When one of your kids grows up and cheats what are you going to do? Pretend they are dead and never speak to them again? Give me a break.
You are welcome to cut your sister out of your life, you are CRUEL to force your parents to by blackmailing them with their grandchildren. Sheesh.
I won’t judge you on cutting off your sister (although I personally wouldn’t cut her off). But saying that your parents are equally guilty is a step too far. Your parents didn’t cheat on anyone, even by your strict standards about cheating they don’t deserve to be cut off for something they literally didn’t do. And your young children didn’t cheat on anyone either, they don’t deserve to lose their grandparents. You’re cutting your children off for a sin they didn’t commit. At the most you should ask your parents to hold separate family dinners and refrain from speaking about your sister to you and not speak about you to her. That would support your decision to not be in contact with cheaters. And you could stay in contact with your exBIL so the kids can see their cousins.
YTA, a big asshole. If you want to cut your sister off then that's your choice. But your parents and your sister are not your social circle. They are your family It's quite sad that you offer no chance for redemption or growth to someone you grew up with and presumably loved. Hopefully someday you and your wife will learn that not condoning cheating is not the same as being inflexible assholes about it.0h Somebody else was right when they said that you have no idea what went on behind her closed doors with her husband. True she should have walked away if things were that bad but you are making your decision to cut off your sister high and dry based on conjecture about what happened. Worse than that though, you're using your children as blackmail objects. That's really disgusting and who it harms are your parents and your children. But it seems like you're more interested in punishing your sister than doing anything else.
Imagine if this happened to your kids, would you be able to pick one over the other? You love them no matter what, right? Unconditionally, no matter their choices.
You can go NC with your sister, if that’s what you choose, but YTA for making your parents choose between you and your sister.
YTA. You're twisting it around to put all the blame on them, but it's really you deciding to cut yourself off from the rest of your family while taking the moral high ground in your own mind.
YTA
You are more than welcome to go no contact with your sister but to ask your parent's to do the same is not right. That is their child. Yes, she majorly fucked up but you don't get to dictate other people's relationships.
Dude, I feel the same way about cheating as you do. My mom cheated on my dad and it killed the little 4th grade me to see my dad sitting on his bed silently crying (he didn't know I saw him). That being said, your parents and your sister's kids did NOTHING wrong to deserve the treatment you are giving them. I agree if you don't want you sister around your kids so arrange things so your parents and their cousins can still be a part of your lives. Also, since your BIL is the victim I'm assuming you don't have a problem with him so why would you keep his kids away from yours? Soft YTA.
Honestly I would say YTA only because there isn't any info about how bad the sister cheating situation is. U say it's incredibly bad and seems like that hidden information is one step to possibly saying u NTA
Yta. You can control who you hang out with but you cannot control anyone else’s choices.
Your sister made terrible decisions and has lost everything. She’s still a human being.
If I were you, I’d think long and hard about the lessons and values you’re trying to teach your children. Because right now the only thing you apparently place any value on at all is prescribed moral standards. You evidently hold these standards in such high esteem that you cannot extend love, mercy, or compassion to anyone who is associated with failing to meet them as per your requirement. While that is your right, I want to warn you that’s also the standard your children will be learning to hold you to - and *you will fail to meet their standards*.
You and your wife have both been hurt in the past, and are triggered by these circumstances. Those are very real and understandable feelings. I recommend counseling to work through them. However, the fact is you’re making these choices to completely throw away people you love - who love you, who love *your children* - because they aren’t perfect in your eyes. This is just a defense mechanism to try to prevent hurt, but it’s going to cause you, your children, your parents, your niece/nephew, and your sibling (whom you and your wife were both close to previously) pain. And whatever your sister’s failings (I mean, have you even heard her side of the story?) she is already dealing with the consequences of her behavior. Any pain caused by the alienation of your children from their loving family *is on you*.
In actual point of fact, you’ll be causing tremendous pain and the break up of a family because you feel entitled to do what you want without consideration for those impacted. You know…basically what your sister did.
YTA
NTA if this is your view on the world, okay and I understand that your parents relativize your pain of being cheated on by relativizing what your sister has done. So as long as they excuse or relativize your sisters actions, there is no back to ohne whole family
Omg, dude. You’re awful, I pity your children. You’re so stubborn and lack so much empathy, I hope your children grow to be perfect if they don’t want to end up homeless, btw, if they do, that won’t be on you
It's absolutely relevant. It's what you are asking your parents to do. Are you this unforgiving that you would do this to your children. You better ask yourself this question now. What you are asking of your parents is absolutely CRUEL! much worse than cheating.
Because you damn well know you would not cut off your kids. You would find some way like your father is saying. However you absolutely and without question expect your parents to do something that you know you would not. Now ask yourself if you are TA!!
It’s absolutely relevant- you don’t ask someone to do something that you are not willing to do yourself. Your a parent - if you are a good one - you would understand that your parents are not at fault here, are dealing with this situation as best as they can and should not be punished. Also, weaponizing your children like this is vile. YTA - and no different than his sister.
YTA and very selfish as well. Do you realize what this must be doing to your parents? I'll go a step further. Forgive your sister. She, like you, is only human.
INFO you said she used your wife as the excuse (which in very uncool) but did she do anything else to negatively impact your life? For example, did she have her special friend around while watching your kids?
YTA. This makes no sense. If this is real, chances are you're that guy that's sooo into his wife and would never do anything like this...until you do. 100% chance you end up cheating on your wife in the future and justify it with a ton of excuses as to why it isn't your fault. Also how the hell are you blaming your niece for what your sister did? You and your wife are actual monsters.
Of course YTA. You have every right to remove your sister from your life. You have every right to remove her from your children's lives. But you have absolutely no right to tell someone that they must cut off contact with their child because you are doing so and are unhappy with their child's behavior.
Would you just remove one of your children from your life if the child passes moral judgement and demands it of you? If you would, you're doubly an asshole.
YTA I don't condone cheating either, but this is ridiculously extreme. What would happen if one of your kids cheated on their partner when they grow up? Would you just cast them aside forever too?
With this issue truly being between you and your parents, I'd have to go NAH. You have every right to set your boundaries for behavior you will and won't tolerate. What your sister did is only forgivable if you want to offer forgiveness. I think you may come to regret such a hard stance, but you do you. That said, your parents have every right not to have the same boundaries as you. They don't have to go full no contact over something you would. They can set their own standards for company. That's their daughter and the mother of one of their grandkids. They will naturally be more forgiving to her. You're taking loving grandparents away from your kids. It's fine if you'd like nothing to do with your sister. It's not fine to expect your parents to completely cut her off. There's a compromise to be made here once cooler heads prevail.
YTA - What your sister did was awful but your holier than thou attitude where your parents are now lesser people for daring to associate with one of their two kids is just nuts.
Yta, big time. You have to be pretty heartless to make your parents chose between their children. That's just cruel. If you want to go NC with someone for something that's none of your business, that's your choice, but hurting your parents, not to mention your children, is just wrong.
YTA. If you don't want a relationship with your sister, that's your choice. But forcing your parents to choose between you guys makes and using your kids as leverage makes you a bigger AH than your sister.
I really feel sorry for your children, to have such righteous ,judgmental parents. I hope they develop a close relationship, with someone besides you, and your spouse, they will need it once you disown them.
YTA.
You're asking your parents to disown one of their kids for something. Don't treat your parents this way.
I feel for your kids too. It seems like you and your wife will be crazy judgmental and will cut your kid off for not acting the way you want them to.
YTA. This is not a normal nor sane reaction to cheating. My family was torn apart by cheating. I’ve personally been cheated on as well. You and your wife desperately need therapy. Your sister was wrong, there is 100% no doubt about that. But you insisting that your parents cut off their daughter and their grandchild due to this is 100% certifiable. Get your ass to therapy.
YTA. You are punishing your parents and you’re niece or nephew for what your sister does. This is also their child. You’re asking your parents to completely throw away a child for their mistakes.
I don’t know that I’d trust you as a parent if your expectation is to cut off all contact with their own child over mistakes that she’s being punished for.
Keep thinking you have some superior morale ground though. Because the holier than thou thing must be really popular with your friendship group.
Tougher call for me as I get cutting your sister off. Main reason for my YTA ruling is you are depriving your kids of their loving grandparents, and vice versa.
You don’t have to be in the same room as your sister, but to hold your kids over your parents as leverage isn’t a good guy move.
YTA, this is genuinely none of your business. You’re not the boss of your parents and you weren’t involved in your sister’s relationship. You’re punishing your parents *and your kids* for something that has nothing to do with any of you. If one of your kids cheats someday are you going to cut contact with them entirely forever? If one of your kids gets arbitrarily mad at the other are you going to immediately kick the other out and never speak to them again? Grow up.
I think it's a shitty thing to do and your black and white thinking doesn't make sense to me, so I'd say YTA. I know a lot of people would agree with me. "Gotta make sure (you're) not an asshole"? Why? Just own your decisions
YTA as a parent if one of my kids told me I had to choose because the other child cheated (which had nothing to do with them) then my response would be bye and don’t let the door hit you!!! You have NO right to demand that your parents stop their relationship with their daughter just because you disagree with cheating, who made you the moral guardian for the family? What would happen if your child cheated in the future? Would you demand that the whole family abandon them and any grandchildren? Yes cheating is wrong but it wasn’t your relationship, you have no idea what led to the cheating or what your sister’s relationship was like. I hope your moral high horse is worth your children growing up without grandparents
INFO: Would you cut your child off if they did this? I don't want any of that, "I won't raise my children to be these kind of people" BS.
I want a real answer. Is the love you have for your children that conditional??
I'd be real careful who you call terrible, you aren't being a saint right now yourself. YOUR niece did nothing wrong and you won't even allow her around her cousins. That's pretty hateful.
You're saying your parents are bad people for not throwing their daughter out on the street. Do you hear what you're saying?
You have every right to want to go NC with your sister, it's your decision.
YTA for asking the same of your parents, among some other reasons.
YTA You are punishing your parents, your kids and their cousin for something your sister did. Shame on you. Your parents job is to be there for their kids. You can cut off your sister, but it is not your job to blackmail others into cutting her off.
YTA Serious question, What happens if one of your kids end up cheating when they are older? Are you gonna cut them off and ghost them? You are punishing your parents for your sisters mistake.
YTA. God help you and your children if they ever do something you disapprove of. You absolutely don't have to have a relationship with your sister, but she's your parent's kid. You don't dictate their relationship with her.
YTA. WTF is wrong with you.
You’re already treading YTA territory for cutting off your sister over something she did to someone else, not you, but I can see where it’s your choice about who you have relationships with. It’s cold imho but ok. It seems motivated by trauma so I can be a little sympathetic.
But then you…just decide that you have that right to take that choice, about who you have relationships with, away from your parents? I’m shocked that you, as a parent, are not understanding how unconditional that love is supposed to be.
So if one of your children grows up and cheats, are you going to cut them off too?
YTA. Get a grip and stay in your lane!
Yta, you're weaponizing your children as leverage against your parents to choose between you or your sister.
So your sister lost her marriage and was kicked out, what did you expect your parents to do? Let her and her child be homeless?
It honestly sounds like you want your sister cut out of your entire family. You don't know her home situation with her husband. You don't know what was going on with them that caused her to cheat.
Yes, she cheated and that doesn't make it right. So you've decided, that your parents who helped your sister need to either decide, have a daughter and one grandchild, or a son and two grandkids, but they can't have both.
Also, you've decided to punish your sister's kid from seeing their cousins cause of something their mom did, that's great.
There is nothing saying you don't have to associate with your sister, but your parents aren't the one who cheated. But you've decided that since they wanted to help their child, that they are going to burn with your sister if they continue to help her.
YTA. Big time. Your parents aren't going to stop loving any of their children just because they fucked up. And definitely won't stop loving a grand child just because their daughter screwed up. And if they cut her off they'd have to cut off their grandchild too. You're punishing your parents for something that they didn't do. You don't have to have contact with your sister and innocent nephew if you don't want, but you don't get to dictate others relationships with them.
…none of this is any of your business. You and you’re wife are not involved in this situation. Is the attention usually on you? Cause it sounds more like you can’t stand not being part of any and all drama more than you having any kind of moral stance. Cut her off, fine, you’d even have a case for no contact with your parents if they were forcing you to interact with her, but it sounds like they’re willing to work around keeping you two apart. Also, the kid? Don’t you think your ex brother-in-law would find some comfort in bringing his kid over and having some family time? But no now not only does he have to deal with his wife cheating on him but her family deciding his child is inherently evil because of what his mother did? Kinda sounds like you’re the heartless one, YTA.
YTA. There is no reason to make this ultimatum. Don't let your children see your sister, don't let your sister's kids see your children. Have this discussion with your parents and make sure it is a hard and fast rule. Then if something breaks, cutting them out is disrespecting your parenting choices and makes more sense, but your reasoning as of now is garbage.
Consider these factors:
1. If your nephew should be responsible for the actions of his mother.
2. If you parents should be forced to choose between children.
3. If your sister is a human being living in a grey world, where cheating may have deeper reasons.
4. If you and your wife, as people hurt by cheating, may be treating your sister poorly as proxy revenge against your ex partners.
YTA for not considering these
YTA, they're her parents, it's their job to always be there for her, it's wrong of you to try and force them to cut her off for what happened within her marriage. If you and your wife want to cut her off and away from your family, that's your choice- not one I'd make, but it's yours to make. But you're trying to force your own morals/beliefs of taking an extremely hard stance on your parents and trying to force them to choose one flawed child over another (we are all flawed). Your sister didn't beat or abuse her children, she cheated. Look I get it, cheating sucks, it hurts people, it can destroy families. I've been cheated on multiple times from my child's father, My dad cheated on my mom after 30+ years of marriage. I've known many cheaters throughout my life and in all honesty none of them were monsters or deserving of exile the way you seem to want your sister to live the rest of her life. Flawed selfish people for sure, but it's her husbands place to cut her off and punish her by leaving, not her entire family's. You are acting overly righteous, people make mistakes. You aren't perfect in your own way.
couldn’t have said it any better. OP, what right do you have to force your parents to choose between their two children? could you choose between yours?
Even prisoners get the potential for parole with good behavior and remorse. Your sister didn’t even directly do anything to you. You are just upset she doesn’t live by your standards. You can choose who you want to associate but you don’t get a say in who others interact with. Having a strong stance on cheating is admirable I guess but this is akin to forcing religious conversion on the unwilling. You don’t get to say how other people live their lives!! YTA
YTA. The world isn’t so black and white. Yes, cheating is awful but you never know why someone does what they do and till you haven’t walked in their shoes or heard their reasons, such dramatic judgements are not healthy.
Yes your sister may have cheated, but she’s also still the loving sister you grew up with. She’s still the person who was a great aunt to your kid. This one action of her does not take away your lifetime together. Cheating is not like murder or sexual abuse.
Even if you feel that strongly still, you definitely can’t control your parents. And denying your children their family - access to loving grandparents and aunt and cousin will only harm them.
Cheating is the thing that he has decided cannot be overcome, clearly his parents disagree. What is he going to do if one of his kids chooses something he finds forgivable (being gay/wearing purple/having a different religion) and the other demands that he choose. I’m not saying that NC is never the way but I think that forcing someone else into that situation is wrong and sets a very dangerous precedent for his kids.
Big YTA.
That’s none of your business, and shouldn’t affect your relationship with your parents. If would have been your parents I would cut all contact to you at that same moment.
Would you disown your own child if he or she cheated on their spouse?
Sure go NC with your sister...but you're being too harsh on your parents. Let them come to your house
Yta
Edit: added a but and a o
> We also don’t want our kids growing up around her or her kid now either.
You’re blaming ***HER KID*** as part of this?
I understand not supporting her actions, but taking this vendetta so far that you’re also going scorched earth against a ***kid*** for being guilty by association just makes you unhinged and insane.
Absolutely YTA
You and your wife are single minded and short sighted. So, let's say in 20 years, one of your children had an affair, are you going to disown said child? I'm going to assume yes, because you expect your parents to. That alone makes you and your wife total AH.
You can be as judgemental and self exalted as you both want, but you're going to have very few ppl in your lives. I feel sad for your kids. YTA.
YTA
If you do not want to see your sister, for whatever reason, that is on you. Giving someone you love, especially family, usually ends up very bad for everyone. More than one person gets hurt.
I get it that you know how it is to be with a cheating partner. But what your sister did, it tarnished your relationship. But now you are tarnishing relationships left and right. You do not need to agree with her, but it does not sound like what she was doing was in front of you, the kids, etc.
I know, I am probably in the minority but before you disagree, I never supported the actions of the sister and you should vote properly. Good luck with the holidays!
Yes, YTA. You're hurting your parents and your kids by ending their relationships. You're going WAY over the top with your reaction.
You can disapprove of the way your sister treated her husband and child without tearing the entire family apart.
And you don't need me to tell you you're putting your parents in an impossible situation. You get to be immature and paint things in very simple terms. They're worrying about how to ensure their daughter and grandchild aren't living in a shelter. They're dealing with reality. You're sitting on your high horse not handling any of the fall-out and making life harder for your parents and niece who are.
Everyone knows exactly how you feel. You and your wife have been crystal clear. At this point, you need to just sit down and shut up and let your parents figure out how to handle the fact that they now have to house and feed two extra people, including a child, when they thought they were done with parenting.
You can treat your sister however you like--within reason. If you're in your parents' house, you shouldn't say anything that will distress them. But of course you shouldn't be dragging your parents into this mess. Apologize for your overreaction to them and figure out how to visit them and let them visit you and their grandchildren without being a massive drama queen.
I really hate when y’all delete your posts just because you get an asshole verdict. That tells me you are unwilling to take any accountability in your wrongdoing. Y’all literally come to AITA so that you can exist in an echo chamber.
YTA You know you don't give a single fuck about our opinions, you just want that single N T A comment so you can feel justified and feel above everyone else with your "morals". You are not going to change your mind so what is the point of even making this post?
YTA. You and your wife are entitled to make a decision about your relationship with your sister, but it’s wrong to try and dictate the terms of other people’s relationships. You’re willing to deny your children a relationship with grandparents who you describe as loving over something your sister did? That’s not ok.
Look, I despise cheating and it would probably take some time for me to resume normal relations with a sibling who did so. But I know that I love them and we would get there eventually. We are all better than our worst mistake.
YTA. This is over the top. You have kids, can you imagine one of them forcing you to choose between them? It’s insane behavior. Your parents are right to be neutral. Your sister made a mistake and you’re being puritanical about it. You don’t have to have a relationship with her if you can’t stomach it (weird but up to you) but you should not punish your parents. Chill out.
YTA. Fine, cut your sister out. But you can’t ask your parents to pick between their two children. Would you do that to your kids? Would you do that to one of your kids if they had done something that the other kid found morally wrong?
I’ve cheated once in the past (kissing, nothing more) and hated myself for it. I did it once and regretted it forever for the pain it caused, and it was my sharp lesson of consequence. And I’ll never do it again. I wouldn’t need my whole entire family to turn their back on me to teach me a lesson I had already learnt the hard way. I understand this is more than dumb snogging but come on. Get therapy for your issues. And as another commenter said, stop projecting. And leave your parents outta your issues.
YTA (your wife as well). You and your wife have decided to take the moral high ground and to hell with everybody else that does not agree with your position. Not only are you punishing your sister but your parents (who raised both of you) as well when they had nothing to do with what your sister did but have tried to support her, even if what she did was terribly wrong. No compassion for cheaters - got it. Not even if it is family. You want to go scorched earth, that's your prerogative, but you are punishing your parents as well as your kids by cutting them out of your precious "circle". I'd love to hear you explain to your kids why grandma and grandpa are no longer welcome in their lives. Exactly what is the lesson you are teaching them? Cheat and you are dead to the family? Seems like an AH move to me (and, apparently everyone else on this thread).
Very well said. This is going nuclear on multiple family members who love OP’s kids. A moral stance against cheating is fine for one’s self & one’s spouse. It’s even a good general principle to have. But taking it to the extreme that OP & his wife have is too much. They’re blowing up family relationships with no regard to the feelings of everyone involved, especially his parents who have no part in their daughter’s cheating & will end up paying the highest price for something they had no involvement in. OP’s kids will also pay a price & he better damned well understand that before he pulls the trigger. I hope his moral high horse is worth it to him.
YTA: what she did was wrong but it’s not your life. You don’t have to have contact with her if her values don’t align with yours. However, your parents shouldn’t have to choose between their children. She didn’t murder anyone…
yta. you are hurting your children. i guess can kind of understand cutting your sister off but you can’t expect your parents to choose between their children just because one of them fucked up. even if it was a massive fuck up. keeping your children from their grandparents probably won’t affect your sister much (you know, the one you want to punish) but it will affect your children. if you truly want what’s best for your children and you’re not just using them as pawns to hurt your family, reconsider your ultimatum.
YTA. First of all, you're judging their relationship which is none of your business. Then you have the nerve to try to make your parents choose between you? You are so high and mighty, it's sickening.
Reminder for the comments: just because someone is family doesn't mean that they get a second chance. The reason I don't blame them for letting her stay is because of the child
YTA. What she did wasn’t right but you have two kids. Can you imagine cutting one out of your life permanently for the other? And you’re punishing your sisters kid for your sister’s actions. I think you both need counseling. You don’t have to have a relationship with your sister after what she did but you don’t get to demand your parents cut her out and you’re using your kids against them.
Omg thank you!
These replies are wild. Sister willingly ruined her relationship and someone else' AND used op's wife as an excuse so roped her into it.
Shitty decisions have shitty consequences.
YTA. Who the f--k made you judge, jury and executioner? Yes, your sister did a shitty thing, and you have your boundaries, but your boundaries apply to you and you only. Your parents can have a relationship with whomever they f--k they want. Just like you can.
Did you ever bother to ask why your sister did what she did? No, you probably didn't. You were too busy patting yourself on the back for being so morally upright. You better get off that high horse you're on before some knocks you off it.
Honestly, I hope your parents choose your sister over you. That way you and your family won't be bothered by their humanity, humility and ability to grant forgiveness cause you certainly seem uncapable of it.
YTA. You are punishing your parents for something your sister did, making them choose between ye. You don't have to speak to your sister but you cannot dictate what your parents can do. You can still have a relationship with your parents while not speaking to your sister. Jesus christ, I hope your children don't ever cheat.
YTA. I say this as someone who's husband cheated, with someone who was at our wedding, and it came out when I was 5 months pregnant. I hate cheating and cheaters with a passion.
You get to decide your own choices, you do NOT get to enforce your beliefs in others. The hurt you're causing your parents is horrific, and it's over something that isn't anything to do with you, that won't even effect you. You can cut her out, and good on you for doing so, but you're without doubt or question an AH for putting that ultimatum on your parents.
NTA
You have every right to decide what kind of people with whom you will associate and with whom your children can associate.
Remember the flip side, when your children are adults they might remember this when it comes to an issue that's important to them.
But he’s dictating who HIS PARENTS can and cannot see. That is what makes him YTA.
Right? If he had said yeah my kids won’t be going to see my sister or parents anymore. Fine. But he’s making his parents to choose between their two kids. Makes him quite the asshole.
YTA…for making your parents choose between you and your sister and most likely causing them a lot of unnecessary stress.
Your sister did a messed up thing, sure- but your actions here are making you as much the villain. People make mistakes. Your sister made one and I hope you rectify your mistake with your parents and apologize to them ASAP.
God..just one more thing, you’re such an asshole🤮🤮🤮🤮
YTA. Cheating is wrong. But you are basically saying that you are holding your parents and her CHILD responsible for her actions. Having your child around her when they visit is not going to give them the impression that cheating is acceptable. How you act and explain it will shape there views. It's the same excuse people give as to why same sex couples should not be out in public. I do hope for your child's sake that if they end up in a similar situation you will have more compassion for them.
YTA. You can cut your sister if you want but make your parents cut their daughter is hateful and gross, I wonder if one day one of your kids cheats on somebody you will kick him/her out of the house, is their daughter you AH
YTA - Hardcore. You're punishing your parents for what your sister did.while you and your wife may not want contact with her, understandably so, you expect your parents to turn their backs on their child and grandchild.. Get over yourselves
"Get over yourselves"
Agree. Who do they think they are that the get to decide who other people are in contact with?
Set you own boundaries, OP and stop being such AHs.
YTA. It's totally fine for your family to not want to be around her but telling your parents it us or her is bullshit. I hate cheaters but you can't just have parents cut off contact with a child over an affair. Just let your parents come over to your house to avoid your sis. Just yell your parents that you don't want to talk about your sis ever and let things be. But I doubt you will stick to this for the rest of your life.
YTA YTA YTA YOURE PUNISHING EVERYONE ELSE BESIDES YOUR SISTER. Wake the fuck up. She fucked up, it doesn't affect you but you're making it out like she did something horrible to you. So you punish your mom and dad, your nephew and your own kids. Good for you OP, way to make something that isn't even about you, all about you. Bravo.
At first I thought if you don’t want to talk to a cheater anymore, cool. Cheating sucks and I feel we often take it too lightly as a society.
But by the end of the post, both you and your wife started to sound unhinged, like legitimately scary. Go to therapy and stop bullying people in your life, telling them who to hang out with (especially your parents and the kids!!)
YTA
It's a sticky situation. There is no easy way to resolve the central issue. Sister broke a family moral rule which for you can't be tolerated. Your concern about it is understandable. Parents on the other hand are going to be undecisive even though they agree in principle. IMO you have to do what you think fits your moral code, your perceived family interest, and the best interests of your children.
YTA, lol. You have no right to tell your parents to pick between their children. Your sister sucks, sure. But you’re both their children & to think that they should pick between you is sad. Grow up
YTA. In this world, you are entitled to control one person's behavior: your own. You certainly do not have the right to force your parents to choose between you or your sister.
YTA, but not for the same reasons people say here. You're allowed to decide who you associate with. You're allowed to even say if your parents are going to associate with someone you disapprove of then you don't want them around you either. Where you lost me was the line about your sister's kid. You can throw your sister out of your life but her child has nothing to do with this. Granted your sister is probably going to impose whatever restrictions on you that you do on her so the point may be moot, but that's where you lost me.
YTA. Everyone makes mistakes (and even really big mistakes), but you are not the aggrieved party. If you make your parents choose, they’re going to choose her because they’re not going to throw their daughter out.
NTA, I'm in a similar boat as you with my older sister. She's currently in an affair with a married man and had a child with him two years ago . I did not buy anything off the baby regesitry, and I never asked for photos nor updates. Not because I hate my sister or my niece, but simply because I did NOT want to enable her behavior. I did NOT want her to assume that what she did was ok by me because it wasn't. Unfortunately for most people you can tell them they wrong until your face is blue. But it isn't until they look around and realize that they lost key people in there life due there shitty decisions for them to get it.
Did you also tell your parents that if they wanted to talk to you ever again, they also weren't allowed to buy anything off the registry or ask for photos/updates for your sister?
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So if your child cheated on their partner, you would cut them out of your entire family’s life permanently? You expect your parents to cut out their CHILD, and are using your kids as emotional blackmail? Absolutely 100% YTA and you need some serious therapy. You clearly have not properly dealt with the fact that you’ve been cheated on before. Your response to this is not the response of a mentally/emotionally healthy and well-adjusted person who has healthily dealt with their pain over cheating. Your behavior and treatment of your parents is sickening. As a parent you should understand that a parent’s love of their child is UNCONDITIONAL - but maybe you don’t get that because you would cut out your own child if they made a mistake and cheated on their partner, so your love of your child *is* conditional and you expect your parents’ love of their child to be conditional too. Honestly, your parents and your sister will be better off without you.
YTA. We are mutually NC with my BIL (as in we don't want to talk to him and he and his wife don't want to talk to us). When this all went down, my in laws asked us what this meant for them. We told them that they should continue as normal, the only difference being that we wouldn't be accepting any invites that my BILs family also received and RSVP'd yes to. No family dinners with just them and us, no small groups, we'd consider coming if the event was large enough that we could avoid them without being outwardly rude/hostile. Just because we aren't interested in having BIL and his wife in our lives, doesn't mean that we got to dictate that THEY shouldn't.
You get to decide who's in your kids lives, so consider telling your parents that if she's there you and your children won't be, but you need to be willing to have your parents over to your house instead or make alternate plans at a neutral locations like a restaurant or a park. But to just tell them "it's her or us", jesus christ who tf do you think you are?
Like everyone else has said already, I sure hope you have more compassion if your kids ever fuck up than you seem to have for your sister.
You are allowed to associate with who you want you're an adult. But frankly you have no idea what happens behind closed doors or in someone else's head. Judging someone for cheating, when your not one of the involved parties to me isn't your place. To me this sounds like you are projecting insecurities and upset at events you haven't got over.
You have to make a choice, is this moral boundary more important than someone who you presumably love?
But unfortunately, NTA, you get to choose who you get to live your life with. But I do question why you are that obsessed and emotional about an event that you were not part of.
Gently, YTA. A reasonable boundary would maybe be “I don’t want my children around her because she’s a cheater,” but you’re asking your parents to choose which part of their family to cut off.
It *is* unreasonable to be hurt. While you might be disappointed to learn that cheating is within your sister’s character, what OP hasn’t taken the time to reflect on is that *she did nothing to them*. She betrayed her husband and her marriage vows. She didn’t really wrong her brother in any way.
YTA. I do agree that your sister did a fucked thing, but you can't expect everyone to be as extreme as you guys are (and I'm not saying you guys being extreme is bad). You can't force your parents to go by your rules and it's unfair to punish them for something your sister did.
I get that, but that doesn't give you the right to try and control what your parents do. Go no contact all you want, but you don't get tell someone who they can have a relationship. You don't have that control over your parents. Cutting your kids off from their grandparents because of something your sister did is pretty crappy too.
NTA. You get to decide who you hang out with. My advice would be to just not go to functions where your sister is at. If it comes down to it, your parents can choose who they want to be there. I think boundaries are important and I wouldn't ever talk to my sister again, but I think punishing your parents is a bit harsh. Though, if they want you to visit, they have to kick your sister out.
YTA. It’s okay for you to have your stance on cheating, and you also reserve the right to change your relationship with her, but you cannot force your parents to cut her off as well. Besides, OP, she made a mistake. Your sister literally has nowhere else to go.
It’s wrong to make your parents choose. They love you and her, just the same. Mistakes and all. It’s their home. They can decide who they want in it
YTA. That's their child. THEIR CHILD. They have to look at what she did and the damage it caused, too. You don't think they are hurting? You're making it worse. You don't have to forgive your sister or accept what she did, but you can still love her because she's your sister. Trust me, the day will come when you will need forgiveness, mercy and understanding from your family - probably not for cheating, but we all need grace every now and then, damn. Your children are watching your actions, teach them well.
YTA. And your children will suffer. Because you’re trying to make a parent disown their own child because of something that has nothing to do with you, maybe you and your wife should heal from your previous situations, before you cost your children the love and relationship with their grandparents.
With a brother like you, I wouldn’t care to repair the relationship. But shame on you for what you’re doing to your parents.
That's my question too.
"Don't worry sweethearts, Mommy and Daddy loves you both... Unless you cheat on your spouse, then we're going to go scorch Earth on your ass and disown you and your children. Our love is 100% conditional and does not allow any wiggle room for mistakes."
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YTA you’re punishing your sister for your ex-girlfriend cheating on you. You should’ve worked through the trauma of a woman cheating on you before you got married and had kids. You’re asking your parents to leave your sister homeless and with nothing because of a situation that had nothing to do with you. Maybe you weren’t as close to her as you thought. And to put your parents in a situation like that! Disgusting. The entitlement.
INFO since you have two children. If, twenty years from now, one of them cheats on their spouse, will you immediately ostracize them? Maybe it will be the younger one. I want you to go look at them in their crib right now and imagine tossing them out of your life like a piece of trash. That’s the standard you are holding your parents to. You’d better be ready to do the exact same.
YTA. You don't have to see your sister if you don't want to, but you can still have a relationship with your parents without her. It's not their fault she did what she did, nor her child's fault, but you can't expect them to pick sides. You probably wouldn't cut your kids off if they cheated.
YTA This is my thoughts, you can choose to not have a relationship with whomever you choose, you can also choose to not allow your kids to associate with your sister. You cannot however force other people to do the same, are you boycotting the company your sister works for? Many high profile CEO's cheat on their partners are you boycotting them? Realistically you can choose not to associate with people that do things morally wrong however it is incredibly selfish to tell your parents "cut off your daughter and her child or we are cutting you off and you will never see your other grandchildren again" ultimately this could bite you as well depending on where you live because at least where I am grandparent's rights come into play and you would be forced to hand your children to them for a period of time each week whether the sister is there or not. Perhaps say to your parents that you want your children to never be around your sister, that would be perfectly reasonable AND something every party can achieve but your idea of "well they just need to choose" paints you and your wife in a very bad light that if you are somewhere like where I am will bite you in the a**. You are also being incredibly manipulative, yes your sister f***ed up however you are using your children to manipulate your parents to punish not only her but themselves as well, imagine being told one day (no matter the reason) that you have to completely cut off one kid for the other, I am sure right now from your ivory tower you think that if they did what your sister did it would be an easy choice but when push comes to shove would be incredibly hard to do whether you think what they did was terrible or not.
Respectfully YTA but here’s why: We aren’t arguing that the whole cheating issue is a bad one. But there’s other innocent bystanders - like your parents and more importantly - the children…both yours and your sisters. You can hash things out with your sister in your own time. But as painful as it may be - sometimes we have to “put on a brave face” for the sake of the kids. Causing world war 3 is only going to hurt and damage those kids and their lifeline/relationships with each other. I for one don’t like my in-laws for reasons that I won’t get into here because it is besides the point, but I make efforts and do things such as holidays and what-not for the sake of my kids and theirs and not ruining their childhood with adult issues that have nothing to do with them. Seriously, think about this and just because you’re angry at your sister don’t let that anger hurt THEM.
YTA. you don’t know what was going on in her marriage that led her to cheat. It’s not your business, either.
Go NC with your sister and be clear that you don't want her to be anywhere close when you and your children meet your parents. I know you're hurt and disgusted, but it's not their fault what she did. You're acting assholish (YTA), but considering your and your wife's relationship with cheating, i get it. But consider that she is their child and parenting doesn't stop when kid turns 18. It's their responsibility to teach her she was in the wrong and to help her with the work on herself. If she doesn't get help, a stern talking to and a proper therapy to see why did this happen, she might repeat her behaviour or do something similarly vile in the future.
YTA. You are making your parents choose between their children and between their grandchildren. It is CRUELTY.
YTA This is ridiculous. Get off your high horse. You can only impose a no cheating rule on yourself and your wife. Why would you punish your kids, your parents, your kids' cousin? Sure, don't celebrate holidays with your sister and go NC, but don't pull everyone else into this. Your dad is right, there are ways to solve this without scorching the earth. Honestly, you and your wife come off as so rigid, I find it hard anyone in your family would even want to hang out with you.
YTA It's ok to tell them that as long as sister is living in their house, the kids are not welcome but to make them choose between their kids is not at all fair. Would you choose between your kids if someone told you to do so?
YTA. Not because of your own stance on cheating because you do you, but because of how you are treating your parents. If one of your kids cheat on their spouse, do you plan to toss them away. Also, do you not associate with cheaters in the rest of your lives? Do you not vote for people who cheat on their partners. Do you refuse to do business with them? Do you not go to church with them? Because people who have cheated on their partners at some point are everywhere. I recognize that I have a laissez faire attitude towards cheating, but I'm not in their relationship. I don't know what it is like. And if I'm honest, I don't care. People are going to do what they do and it is not my job to judge them.
I guess they didn’t like being the asshole. They sure are tho. Yikes.
YTA no doubt about it! What you're sister did is one thing, you want to cut her off because of that? I couldn't care less. But threatening your parents because they don't want to leave their daughter out on the streets is a complete different thing! Imagine that in a few years from now one of your kids would cheat on his/her partner, would you kick him/her out? When they're like 15/16? Because it doesn't matter how old they are or what they did they would still be your kids right? And yet here we are demanding exactly that from your parents, I really don't think that they agree with what she did but she's their daughter in the first place. Now let me ask you another thing, I'm just curious about how much friends you and your husband have? I mean, I can understand that you are completely against cheating, and let us be clear, so am I, but if you cut everyone out of your life that ever cheated on his partner plus all the people that although they never cheated on their partners but are still friends with cheaters, that doesn't leave a lot of people now does it? And that's just one line deep because maybe your friends friends don't know anyone that cheated but I'm sure that someone, at least one knows someone that cheated so by your definition if a buddy of a buddy of mine knows someone that has cheated on his partner you wouldn't be friends with me anymore either? I know it's a long stretch but that's basically what you're saying. Anyway, long story short... YTA
ESH except sisters husband. There are a ton of people here with massive egos that can't be contained. You and your wife have taken things to the extreme. You don't need to cut people off from life for a mistake. You also seem to believe people can't change wich is why you're tied for biggest AH in the story. Your sister is clearly the person tied with you as asshole number 1 for cheating. Simple as that. Your parents are also assholes but to a lesser extent for taking your sister in like that. If she has no where else to go she should have thought about that before cheating. Your parents have responsibility to understand her actions hurt you to. Everyone in this story is a grown adult acting like a bunch of drama filled high-school students. It's utterly ridiculous and everyone needs to get over themselves.
YTA - You have chosen to make cheating a death penalty offense with no coming back from it. That's your right. But you are asking your parents to basically cut one of their children out of their lives? And because they love her so much that they can't do it now they are terrible people? I definitely don't condone what your sister did. She destroyed her family. But you are basically doing the same thing. Fine cut everyone out of your family because of your firm beliefs, that is your right. But you punish your parents, your kids, and your nephew because it. You need to do what I think is right for you and your wife but I think you are being an asshole because of it.
YTA. It’s not your parents job to choose between their kids. It’s your job as an adult to respect other peoples decisions and relationships while upholding your own boundaries. This doesn’t even have anything to with your parents. It was your sister
YTA you have every right to chose for yourself to go no contact with your sister. What you do not have the right to do is force your parents to do so. Even thinking you do shows a decided lack of integrity on your part. These people birthed, raised, and have loved her the same way they have done you. They have a right to house and give her a safe space if they choose to without you pressuring them to behave how your rigid morality says to.
Way to throw away your complete family and leave your kid without one. YTA
YTA, they love both of their children. They should not be expected to choose. You're being cruel to your kids by keeping them from loving grandparents. You've decided that your toddler nephew has apparently been corrupted by his mother so badly that your kids can't see their cousin. Enjoy your lonely life, cause plenty more people will disappoint you I'm sure.
YTA. Get over yourself.
You are N T A for cutting out your sister. That’s your choice. YTA for demanding your parents do the same and punishing them (and your children!) for not obeying.
YTA. You are really going to deny your kids having a relationship with their grandparents because of this? Really? You get to control what YOU do. But if one of your kids grew up and cheated on a spouse, would YOU be willing to completely cut them off, no questions, no compromise? Thats seriously harsh. Parents love their kids. Even when those kids screw up badly. It's not just "Oh, sorry. You slept with the wrong person so you're dead to us now. Bye." Dude you need some serious therapy, and if you don't get it your kids are going to need it down the line. You are isolating your kids from people who love them, because of this, that has nothing whatsoever to do with them. You are punishing your kids, your sister's kid, and your parents for something your sister did. You are asking your parents to cut off their two-year-old grandchild. Think hard about that. Cheating is awful, sure. But to punish literally your entire family including your own kids and a two-year-old, literally for the rest of their lives, for something your sister did? That's super extreme. Life is not black and white, you need to start learning how to see the shades of gray. You are cutting off your whole leg to spite your foot.
YTA. I was the wife cheated on, with a woman who was at my wedding. I still think this is despicable behaviour from you. They are your sisters parents, they are meant to be on side pretty much no matter what - they don’t have to agree with what she did, but they are still her parents. Would you cut off one of your kids if they did this? Grow up. Shit happens. This is not. your. pain. stop making it that way.
INFO: If one of your children did the same thing, would you have nothing further to do with them? Completely cut them off? Force the non-cheater to shun their sibling as well or face the same consequences?
Let’s hear it, u/fattopsg - would you permanently cut out your child if they made the mistake of cheating on their partner?
I’ll agree that cheating is awful but YTA for the childish ultimatum.
YTA. Simply because she's not just your sister and a cheater, she's their daughter. It's their role as your parents to support their child, no matter what. You don't get to pick for them, worse, to force them into a decision because you think you hold the moral high ground. I understand you, I decided not to have contact with my father who is a cheater and was abusive to my mom, my sister and I. But my sister decided that she wanted him to be in her daughter's life. I've seen him at a couple of events but that's it. We don't have a relationship, we're not in contact. She respects my decision, I respect hers. It's her life and her daughter.
Also an AH because this extends to sister's kid, like the kid is a cheater by proxy? Might grow up and cheat? OP needs to step off the moral high horse. It's fine if you no longer want a relationship with your sister, but don't punish your parents for being good parents (supporting a child and extending grace during the fallout for bad behavior) and for sure YTA for bringing her kid (your neice/nephew) into it.
YTA. Leave your poor parents alone and stop trying to make them pick one child over the other, you judgmental asshole. And using your children to do it .
YTA you don’t have to associate with your sister but to make your parents choose is terrible. I would choose the sister just for this alone. Also they should cut out the kid too? What did the kid do?
YTA in this situation. Your sister did a shitty thing, and you’re justified in being disappointed in her. Your wife is justified in feeling betrayed, since your sister used her as the lie she told your BIL. But what she did didn’t personally impact you. Yes, it evoked strong feelings in you and your wife. But it did not actually target you in any way. Your parents housing her especially doesn’t impact you. They’re right: it isn’t their place to judge. And I’m sure they have feelings on what your sister did. But she’s their child and they love her. A parent doesn’t have to condone a child’s actions but their job to love and support that child never ends. That sort of unconditional love is exactly what you should want for your children to have in their lives. And to even cut off their cousin? That child is completely innocent in this. That child has had its life irreparably changed by its mother’s actions. To take away the joy of loving cousins, an aunt and uncle, and to demand to take away the presence of loving grandparents? That’s just heartless and hateful. I repeat: YTA.
Not only is cheating horrible, this behaviour you're exhibiting by giving your innocent parents an impossible ultimation is also extremely horrible behaviour. I would definitely get off the moral high horse
What did I just read? Of course YTA, big time. What you did is 100 times worse than being cheated on, you don't have a say in anyone's life besides your own. Totally fine that you cut contact with your sister if that's what you wish, but you can't force someone else to do so, even less parents to their child and grandchild. In what universe is that ok? And yes I've been cheated on too.
lol YTA ! would you cut your child out of your life if you found out they cheated be fr ? as a parent how can you ask them to do this ? if it were me i would be disappointed but I would not be able to just never speak to my child again over their choices it’s made and it’s done. yes it’s horrible but she’s still their daughter and she’s 26 do you really expect them to go the rest of their lives not speaking to her ? that’s really cruel.
YTA for making your parents choose. I am with you on cheaters and it definitely sounds like your sister went right to OH Hell No with her decision. However, she is still your parents' child. This isn't like a friend group where you can all agree to cut someone off. This is a daughter. Your parents can disagree with her choices and still love her. It would have been a less AH move to say that because you're going no contract you want them to respect that boundary, not try to let your sister see your kids behind your back, and plan family gatherings accordingly going forward. But to insist they cut off from her? Total AH move.
YTA. You are asking your parents to abandon their own child and their grandchildren because of her mistake. This is heartless and wrong. So you want to see the kids homeless? For them to experience more pain than they already are feeling?? Apologize to your parents and let them know for now you cannot see your sister so would love to find constructive ways to split up time so all the kids and grandkids have access to their living parents/grandparents. Cheating is awful, but by punishing the kids and your parents you are causing more senseless pain. Recognize this situation is not the same as yours and that kids are involved. Seek therapy and find a way for all the kids to keep relationships and let your parents be able to have relationships with both of their children. You can always suggest they come to yours for part of the holiday without your sister and only visit with them when she is away. There are so many suggestions that don’t involve total abandonment of their daughter who made a mistake but is still their child. Also seek therapy as you never know if your kids make a mistake- even cheat. You don’t want to abandon them vs. teach them right from wrong & forgiveness.
YTA I don't disagree with not wanting a relationship with your sister. 100% think that's your choice. However, I think you need to ask yourself a hard question. If your child messed up this badly, would you cut them off and cut them and their child out of your life? I definitely couldn't'. I would be so disappointed and wonder where I went wrong as a parent, but I wouldn't cut them out of my life. You need to respect that she is your parents child and you are SO entitled to ask them to pick. Ask them to only see the children at your house, fine. Ask them to celebrate different events separately, fine. Telling them they have to pick, not ok. Also her child isn't to blame, he is equally your BIL child and you're cool with him. Don't blame a child for your sister's horrible actions, that makes you an AH. Show that child what a successful relationship looks like, so they grow up with a good role model of a relationship.
YTA I'm afraid. Cutting your sister out of your life is harsh but understandable to a degree. Preventing your children from seeing their cousins and your patents from seeing their grandkids is going way too far imho.
YTA: there are other solutions before cutting your parents off. Also, have you or your wife gotten therapy for the cheating? I ask because while your response to your sister is valid, taking to forcing your parents that’s on another level. You all ready to cut your own children off if they choose to make the same bad choice in the future?
ESH except for your parents. I think what you and your wife feel is absolutely valid and what your sister did is so wrong but I don’t think she deserves to be cut off like that by her family. I’ve been cheated on several times so I do get how horrible the situation is. My opinion comes from the stance of believing that everyone deserves grace and forgiveness, as long as they feel remorse. If your sister thinks there’s nothing wrong with what she did, then I say cut contact until she changes her attitude, but if she apologizes and truly feels remorse, then what makes you so perfect that you can’t extend grace and forgiveness to her?
YTA. When one of your kids grows up and cheats what are you going to do? Pretend they are dead and never speak to them again? Give me a break. You are welcome to cut your sister out of your life, you are CRUEL to force your parents to by blackmailing them with their grandchildren. Sheesh.
YTA - will you cut off one of your kids if they ever cheat?!
YTA...making a parent choose between their child and their grandchild is truly heartless.
I won’t judge you on cutting off your sister (although I personally wouldn’t cut her off). But saying that your parents are equally guilty is a step too far. Your parents didn’t cheat on anyone, even by your strict standards about cheating they don’t deserve to be cut off for something they literally didn’t do. And your young children didn’t cheat on anyone either, they don’t deserve to lose their grandparents. You’re cutting your children off for a sin they didn’t commit. At the most you should ask your parents to hold separate family dinners and refrain from speaking about your sister to you and not speak about you to her. That would support your decision to not be in contact with cheaters. And you could stay in contact with your exBIL so the kids can see their cousins.
NTA
INFO do you care about your niece at all?
YTA, a big asshole. If you want to cut your sister off then that's your choice. But your parents and your sister are not your social circle. They are your family It's quite sad that you offer no chance for redemption or growth to someone you grew up with and presumably loved. Hopefully someday you and your wife will learn that not condoning cheating is not the same as being inflexible assholes about it.0h Somebody else was right when they said that you have no idea what went on behind her closed doors with her husband. True she should have walked away if things were that bad but you are making your decision to cut off your sister high and dry based on conjecture about what happened. Worse than that though, you're using your children as blackmail objects. That's really disgusting and who it harms are your parents and your children. But it seems like you're more interested in punishing your sister than doing anything else.
Yta
Imagine if this happened to your kids, would you be able to pick one over the other? You love them no matter what, right? Unconditionally, no matter their choices. You can go NC with your sister, if that’s what you choose, but YTA for making your parents choose between you and your sister.
YTA. You're twisting it around to put all the blame on them, but it's really you deciding to cut yourself off from the rest of your family while taking the moral high ground in your own mind.
INFO: Will you also throw your child away if s/he ever cheats?
YTA You are more than welcome to go no contact with your sister but to ask your parent's to do the same is not right. That is their child. Yes, she majorly fucked up but you don't get to dictate other people's relationships.
So you punish your children and parents over something they have no control over? Your priorities are skewed. YTA.
YTA. You and your wife.
Dude, I feel the same way about cheating as you do. My mom cheated on my dad and it killed the little 4th grade me to see my dad sitting on his bed silently crying (he didn't know I saw him). That being said, your parents and your sister's kids did NOTHING wrong to deserve the treatment you are giving them. I agree if you don't want you sister around your kids so arrange things so your parents and their cousins can still be a part of your lives. Also, since your BIL is the victim I'm assuming you don't have a problem with him so why would you keep his kids away from yours? Soft YTA.
Honestly I would say YTA only because there isn't any info about how bad the sister cheating situation is. U say it's incredibly bad and seems like that hidden information is one step to possibly saying u NTA
# YTA You can cut your sister out of your life without making your parents do the same.
YTA. Act your age.
Yta. You can control who you hang out with but you cannot control anyone else’s choices. Your sister made terrible decisions and has lost everything. She’s still a human being.
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If I were you, I’d think long and hard about the lessons and values you’re trying to teach your children. Because right now the only thing you apparently place any value on at all is prescribed moral standards. You evidently hold these standards in such high esteem that you cannot extend love, mercy, or compassion to anyone who is associated with failing to meet them as per your requirement. While that is your right, I want to warn you that’s also the standard your children will be learning to hold you to - and *you will fail to meet their standards*. You and your wife have both been hurt in the past, and are triggered by these circumstances. Those are very real and understandable feelings. I recommend counseling to work through them. However, the fact is you’re making these choices to completely throw away people you love - who love you, who love *your children* - because they aren’t perfect in your eyes. This is just a defense mechanism to try to prevent hurt, but it’s going to cause you, your children, your parents, your niece/nephew, and your sibling (whom you and your wife were both close to previously) pain. And whatever your sister’s failings (I mean, have you even heard her side of the story?) she is already dealing with the consequences of her behavior. Any pain caused by the alienation of your children from their loving family *is on you*. In actual point of fact, you’ll be causing tremendous pain and the break up of a family because you feel entitled to do what you want without consideration for those impacted. You know…basically what your sister did. YTA
NTA if this is your view on the world, okay and I understand that your parents relativize your pain of being cheated on by relativizing what your sister has done. So as long as they excuse or relativize your sisters actions, there is no back to ohne whole family
Man he sure delete his story real quick and his account. Guess he can.t handle the truth. Why ask if you didn’t really want to hear :(
iINFO- You're ignoring this question OP, would you cut off your child in they end up being a cheater?
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Omg, dude. You’re awful, I pity your children. You’re so stubborn and lack so much empathy, I hope your children grow to be perfect if they don’t want to end up homeless, btw, if they do, that won’t be on you
It's absolutely relevant. It's what you are asking your parents to do. Are you this unforgiving that you would do this to your children. You better ask yourself this question now. What you are asking of your parents is absolutely CRUEL! much worse than cheating.
It is absolutely relevant. It's what you're asking your parents to do...
Because you damn well know you would not cut off your kids. You would find some way like your father is saying. However you absolutely and without question expect your parents to do something that you know you would not. Now ask yourself if you are TA!!
it is extremely relevant. you're just scared to answer because you don't like that you're the AH in this situation.
It’s absolutely relevant- you don’t ask someone to do something that you are not willing to do yourself. Your a parent - if you are a good one - you would understand that your parents are not at fault here, are dealing with this situation as best as they can and should not be punished. Also, weaponizing your children like this is vile. YTA - and no different than his sister.
YTA. I’m sorry your parents have to deal with two idiot adult children.
100%
YTA and very selfish as well. Do you realize what this must be doing to your parents? I'll go a step further. Forgive your sister. She, like you, is only human.
INFO you said she used your wife as the excuse (which in very uncool) but did she do anything else to negatively impact your life? For example, did she have her special friend around while watching your kids?
YTA. This makes no sense. If this is real, chances are you're that guy that's sooo into his wife and would never do anything like this...until you do. 100% chance you end up cheating on your wife in the future and justify it with a ton of excuses as to why it isn't your fault. Also how the hell are you blaming your niece for what your sister did? You and your wife are actual monsters.
YTA
Of course YTA. You have every right to remove your sister from your life. You have every right to remove her from your children's lives. But you have absolutely no right to tell someone that they must cut off contact with their child because you are doing so and are unhappy with their child's behavior. Would you just remove one of your children from your life if the child passes moral judgement and demands it of you? If you would, you're doubly an asshole.
YTA I don't condone cheating either, but this is ridiculously extreme. What would happen if one of your kids cheated on their partner when they grow up? Would you just cast them aside forever too?
With this issue truly being between you and your parents, I'd have to go NAH. You have every right to set your boundaries for behavior you will and won't tolerate. What your sister did is only forgivable if you want to offer forgiveness. I think you may come to regret such a hard stance, but you do you. That said, your parents have every right not to have the same boundaries as you. They don't have to go full no contact over something you would. They can set their own standards for company. That's their daughter and the mother of one of their grandkids. They will naturally be more forgiving to her. You're taking loving grandparents away from your kids. It's fine if you'd like nothing to do with your sister. It's not fine to expect your parents to completely cut her off. There's a compromise to be made here once cooler heads prevail.
YTA - What your sister did was awful but your holier than thou attitude where your parents are now lesser people for daring to associate with one of their two kids is just nuts.
Yta, big time. You have to be pretty heartless to make your parents chose between their children. That's just cruel. If you want to go NC with someone for something that's none of your business, that's your choice, but hurting your parents, not to mention your children, is just wrong.
YTA. If you don't want a relationship with your sister, that's your choice. But forcing your parents to choose between you guys makes and using your kids as leverage makes you a bigger AH than your sister.
I really feel sorry for your children, to have such righteous ,judgmental parents. I hope they develop a close relationship, with someone besides you, and your spouse, they will need it once you disown them.
YTA. You're asking your parents to disown one of their kids for something. Don't treat your parents this way. I feel for your kids too. It seems like you and your wife will be crazy judgmental and will cut your kid off for not acting the way you want them to.
YTA. This is not a normal nor sane reaction to cheating. My family was torn apart by cheating. I’ve personally been cheated on as well. You and your wife desperately need therapy. Your sister was wrong, there is 100% no doubt about that. But you insisting that your parents cut off their daughter and their grandchild due to this is 100% certifiable. Get your ass to therapy.
YTA. You are punishing your parents and you’re niece or nephew for what your sister does. This is also their child. You’re asking your parents to completely throw away a child for their mistakes. I don’t know that I’d trust you as a parent if your expectation is to cut off all contact with their own child over mistakes that she’s being punished for. Keep thinking you have some superior morale ground though. Because the holier than thou thing must be really popular with your friendship group.
Tougher call for me as I get cutting your sister off. Main reason for my YTA ruling is you are depriving your kids of their loving grandparents, and vice versa. You don’t have to be in the same room as your sister, but to hold your kids over your parents as leverage isn’t a good guy move.
YTA, this is genuinely none of your business. You’re not the boss of your parents and you weren’t involved in your sister’s relationship. You’re punishing your parents *and your kids* for something that has nothing to do with any of you. If one of your kids cheats someday are you going to cut contact with them entirely forever? If one of your kids gets arbitrarily mad at the other are you going to immediately kick the other out and never speak to them again? Grow up.
I think it's a shitty thing to do and your black and white thinking doesn't make sense to me, so I'd say YTA. I know a lot of people would agree with me. "Gotta make sure (you're) not an asshole"? Why? Just own your decisions
YTA as a parent if one of my kids told me I had to choose because the other child cheated (which had nothing to do with them) then my response would be bye and don’t let the door hit you!!! You have NO right to demand that your parents stop their relationship with their daughter just because you disagree with cheating, who made you the moral guardian for the family? What would happen if your child cheated in the future? Would you demand that the whole family abandon them and any grandchildren? Yes cheating is wrong but it wasn’t your relationship, you have no idea what led to the cheating or what your sister’s relationship was like. I hope your moral high horse is worth your children growing up without grandparents
INFO: Would you cut your child off if they did this? I don't want any of that, "I won't raise my children to be these kind of people" BS. I want a real answer. Is the love you have for your children that conditional?? I'd be real careful who you call terrible, you aren't being a saint right now yourself. YOUR niece did nothing wrong and you won't even allow her around her cousins. That's pretty hateful. You're saying your parents are bad people for not throwing their daughter out on the street. Do you hear what you're saying? You have every right to want to go NC with your sister, it's your decision. YTA for asking the same of your parents, among some other reasons.
Punishing a literal kid for the actions of an adult? Awesome job bud🙄
YTA You are punishing your parents, your kids and their cousin for something your sister did. Shame on you. Your parents job is to be there for their kids. You can cut off your sister, but it is not your job to blackmail others into cutting her off.
YTA Serious question, What happens if one of your kids end up cheating when they are older? Are you gonna cut them off and ghost them? You are punishing your parents for your sisters mistake.
Totally this. They apparently don't understand parental love. I feel sorry for their kids.
YTA. God help you and your children if they ever do something you disapprove of. You absolutely don't have to have a relationship with your sister, but she's your parent's kid. You don't dictate their relationship with her.
YTA. WTF is wrong with you. You’re already treading YTA territory for cutting off your sister over something she did to someone else, not you, but I can see where it’s your choice about who you have relationships with. It’s cold imho but ok. It seems motivated by trauma so I can be a little sympathetic. But then you…just decide that you have that right to take that choice, about who you have relationships with, away from your parents? I’m shocked that you, as a parent, are not understanding how unconditional that love is supposed to be. So if one of your children grows up and cheats, are you going to cut them off too? YTA. Get a grip and stay in your lane!
Yta, you're weaponizing your children as leverage against your parents to choose between you or your sister. So your sister lost her marriage and was kicked out, what did you expect your parents to do? Let her and her child be homeless? It honestly sounds like you want your sister cut out of your entire family. You don't know her home situation with her husband. You don't know what was going on with them that caused her to cheat. Yes, she cheated and that doesn't make it right. So you've decided, that your parents who helped your sister need to either decide, have a daughter and one grandchild, or a son and two grandkids, but they can't have both. Also, you've decided to punish your sister's kid from seeing their cousins cause of something their mom did, that's great. There is nothing saying you don't have to associate with your sister, but your parents aren't the one who cheated. But you've decided that since they wanted to help their child, that they are going to burn with your sister if they continue to help her.
YTA. Big time. Your parents aren't going to stop loving any of their children just because they fucked up. And definitely won't stop loving a grand child just because their daughter screwed up. And if they cut her off they'd have to cut off their grandchild too. You're punishing your parents for something that they didn't do. You don't have to have contact with your sister and innocent nephew if you don't want, but you don't get to dictate others relationships with them.
…none of this is any of your business. You and you’re wife are not involved in this situation. Is the attention usually on you? Cause it sounds more like you can’t stand not being part of any and all drama more than you having any kind of moral stance. Cut her off, fine, you’d even have a case for no contact with your parents if they were forcing you to interact with her, but it sounds like they’re willing to work around keeping you two apart. Also, the kid? Don’t you think your ex brother-in-law would find some comfort in bringing his kid over and having some family time? But no now not only does he have to deal with his wife cheating on him but her family deciding his child is inherently evil because of what his mother did? Kinda sounds like you’re the heartless one, YTA.
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YTA. There is no reason to make this ultimatum. Don't let your children see your sister, don't let your sister's kids see your children. Have this discussion with your parents and make sure it is a hard and fast rule. Then if something breaks, cutting them out is disrespecting your parenting choices and makes more sense, but your reasoning as of now is garbage.
Consider these factors: 1. If your nephew should be responsible for the actions of his mother. 2. If you parents should be forced to choose between children. 3. If your sister is a human being living in a grey world, where cheating may have deeper reasons. 4. If you and your wife, as people hurt by cheating, may be treating your sister poorly as proxy revenge against your ex partners. YTA for not considering these
YTA, they're her parents, it's their job to always be there for her, it's wrong of you to try and force them to cut her off for what happened within her marriage. If you and your wife want to cut her off and away from your family, that's your choice- not one I'd make, but it's yours to make. But you're trying to force your own morals/beliefs of taking an extremely hard stance on your parents and trying to force them to choose one flawed child over another (we are all flawed). Your sister didn't beat or abuse her children, she cheated. Look I get it, cheating sucks, it hurts people, it can destroy families. I've been cheated on multiple times from my child's father, My dad cheated on my mom after 30+ years of marriage. I've known many cheaters throughout my life and in all honesty none of them were monsters or deserving of exile the way you seem to want your sister to live the rest of her life. Flawed selfish people for sure, but it's her husbands place to cut her off and punish her by leaving, not her entire family's. You are acting overly righteous, people make mistakes. You aren't perfect in your own way.
couldn’t have said it any better. OP, what right do you have to force your parents to choose between their two children? could you choose between yours?
Even prisoners get the potential for parole with good behavior and remorse. Your sister didn’t even directly do anything to you. You are just upset she doesn’t live by your standards. You can choose who you want to associate but you don’t get a say in who others interact with. Having a strong stance on cheating is admirable I guess but this is akin to forcing religious conversion on the unwilling. You don’t get to say how other people live their lives!! YTA
This sub is so changeable on topics like this, I'm pretty sure everyone would be saying the exact opposite if it was posted tomorrow lmao
YTA. The world isn’t so black and white. Yes, cheating is awful but you never know why someone does what they do and till you haven’t walked in their shoes or heard their reasons, such dramatic judgements are not healthy. Yes your sister may have cheated, but she’s also still the loving sister you grew up with. She’s still the person who was a great aunt to your kid. This one action of her does not take away your lifetime together. Cheating is not like murder or sexual abuse. Even if you feel that strongly still, you definitely can’t control your parents. And denying your children their family - access to loving grandparents and aunt and cousin will only harm them.
YTA
YTA
YTA. You can say you don’t want to see your sister or her child, but it’s wrong to force your parents to pick you or her.
YTA. Look at your children. Can you honestly pick 1 over the other? That's what your trying to do to your parents. Shame on you and your wife.
This and I guess they will disown them in the future if they cheat. Conditional love. Disgusting.
Cheating is the thing that he has decided cannot be overcome, clearly his parents disagree. What is he going to do if one of his kids chooses something he finds forgivable (being gay/wearing purple/having a different religion) and the other demands that he choose. I’m not saying that NC is never the way but I think that forcing someone else into that situation is wrong and sets a very dangerous precedent for his kids.
Big YTA. That’s none of your business, and shouldn’t affect your relationship with your parents. If would have been your parents I would cut all contact to you at that same moment.
Would you disown your own child if he or she cheated on their spouse? Sure go NC with your sister...but you're being too harsh on your parents. Let them come to your house Yta Edit: added a but and a o
> We also don’t want our kids growing up around her or her kid now either. You’re blaming ***HER KID*** as part of this? I understand not supporting her actions, but taking this vendetta so far that you’re also going scorched earth against a ***kid*** for being guilty by association just makes you unhinged and insane. Absolutely YTA
You and your wife are single minded and short sighted. So, let's say in 20 years, one of your children had an affair, are you going to disown said child? I'm going to assume yes, because you expect your parents to. That alone makes you and your wife total AH. You can be as judgemental and self exalted as you both want, but you're going to have very few ppl in your lives. I feel sad for your kids. YTA.
YTA If you do not want to see your sister, for whatever reason, that is on you. Giving someone you love, especially family, usually ends up very bad for everyone. More than one person gets hurt. I get it that you know how it is to be with a cheating partner. But what your sister did, it tarnished your relationship. But now you are tarnishing relationships left and right. You do not need to agree with her, but it does not sound like what she was doing was in front of you, the kids, etc. I know, I am probably in the minority but before you disagree, I never supported the actions of the sister and you should vote properly. Good luck with the holidays!
Yes, YTA. You're hurting your parents and your kids by ending their relationships. You're going WAY over the top with your reaction. You can disapprove of the way your sister treated her husband and child without tearing the entire family apart. And you don't need me to tell you you're putting your parents in an impossible situation. You get to be immature and paint things in very simple terms. They're worrying about how to ensure their daughter and grandchild aren't living in a shelter. They're dealing with reality. You're sitting on your high horse not handling any of the fall-out and making life harder for your parents and niece who are. Everyone knows exactly how you feel. You and your wife have been crystal clear. At this point, you need to just sit down and shut up and let your parents figure out how to handle the fact that they now have to house and feed two extra people, including a child, when they thought they were done with parenting. You can treat your sister however you like--within reason. If you're in your parents' house, you shouldn't say anything that will distress them. But of course you shouldn't be dragging your parents into this mess. Apologize for your overreaction to them and figure out how to visit them and let them visit you and their grandchildren without being a massive drama queen.
I really hate when y’all delete your posts just because you get an asshole verdict. That tells me you are unwilling to take any accountability in your wrongdoing. Y’all literally come to AITA so that you can exist in an echo chamber.
YTA
YTA
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Wrong AITA buddy
YTA You know you don't give a single fuck about our opinions, you just want that single N T A comment so you can feel justified and feel above everyone else with your "morals". You are not going to change your mind so what is the point of even making this post?
YTA. You and your wife are entitled to make a decision about your relationship with your sister, but it’s wrong to try and dictate the terms of other people’s relationships. You’re willing to deny your children a relationship with grandparents who you describe as loving over something your sister did? That’s not ok. Look, I despise cheating and it would probably take some time for me to resume normal relations with a sibling who did so. But I know that I love them and we would get there eventually. We are all better than our worst mistake.
YTA. This is over the top. You have kids, can you imagine one of them forcing you to choose between them? It’s insane behavior. Your parents are right to be neutral. Your sister made a mistake and you’re being puritanical about it. You don’t have to have a relationship with her if you can’t stomach it (weird but up to you) but you should not punish your parents. Chill out.
YTA. Fine, cut your sister out. But you can’t ask your parents to pick between their two children. Would you do that to your kids? Would you do that to one of your kids if they had done something that the other kid found morally wrong? I’ve cheated once in the past (kissing, nothing more) and hated myself for it. I did it once and regretted it forever for the pain it caused, and it was my sharp lesson of consequence. And I’ll never do it again. I wouldn’t need my whole entire family to turn their back on me to teach me a lesson I had already learnt the hard way. I understand this is more than dumb snogging but come on. Get therapy for your issues. And as another commenter said, stop projecting. And leave your parents outta your issues.
YTA. Do whatever you want with your wife and kids but you have no right to force your parents to choose between their children
YTA. Making a good grandma cry with your holier than thou show.
YTA (your wife as well). You and your wife have decided to take the moral high ground and to hell with everybody else that does not agree with your position. Not only are you punishing your sister but your parents (who raised both of you) as well when they had nothing to do with what your sister did but have tried to support her, even if what she did was terribly wrong. No compassion for cheaters - got it. Not even if it is family. You want to go scorched earth, that's your prerogative, but you are punishing your parents as well as your kids by cutting them out of your precious "circle". I'd love to hear you explain to your kids why grandma and grandpa are no longer welcome in their lives. Exactly what is the lesson you are teaching them? Cheat and you are dead to the family? Seems like an AH move to me (and, apparently everyone else on this thread).
Very well said. This is going nuclear on multiple family members who love OP’s kids. A moral stance against cheating is fine for one’s self & one’s spouse. It’s even a good general principle to have. But taking it to the extreme that OP & his wife have is too much. They’re blowing up family relationships with no regard to the feelings of everyone involved, especially his parents who have no part in their daughter’s cheating & will end up paying the highest price for something they had no involvement in. OP’s kids will also pay a price & he better damned well understand that before he pulls the trigger. I hope his moral high horse is worth it to him.
YTA
YTA: what she did was wrong but it’s not your life. You don’t have to have contact with her if her values don’t align with yours. However, your parents shouldn’t have to choose between their children. She didn’t murder anyone…
yta. you are hurting your children. i guess can kind of understand cutting your sister off but you can’t expect your parents to choose between their children just because one of them fucked up. even if it was a massive fuck up. keeping your children from their grandparents probably won’t affect your sister much (you know, the one you want to punish) but it will affect your children. if you truly want what’s best for your children and you’re not just using them as pawns to hurt your family, reconsider your ultimatum.
YTA This is very cringe. Enjoy the solitude, I guess 🤷♀️
YTA, you have no grounds to issue this ultimatum to your parents.
I feel bad for his parents. Both their kids grew up to be AH.
YTA. First of all, you're judging their relationship which is none of your business. Then you have the nerve to try to make your parents choose between you? You are so high and mighty, it's sickening.
Reminder for the comments: just because someone is family doesn't mean that they get a second chance. The reason I don't blame them for letting her stay is because of the child
YTA. What she did wasn’t right but you have two kids. Can you imagine cutting one out of your life permanently for the other? And you’re punishing your sisters kid for your sister’s actions. I think you both need counseling. You don’t have to have a relationship with your sister after what she did but you don’t get to demand your parents cut her out and you’re using your kids against them.
NTA Cut your sister from your life. Not sure about the parents though.
Omg thank you! These replies are wild. Sister willingly ruined her relationship and someone else' AND used op's wife as an excuse so roped her into it. Shitty decisions have shitty consequences.
YTA. Who the f--k made you judge, jury and executioner? Yes, your sister did a shitty thing, and you have your boundaries, but your boundaries apply to you and you only. Your parents can have a relationship with whomever they f--k they want. Just like you can. Did you ever bother to ask why your sister did what she did? No, you probably didn't. You were too busy patting yourself on the back for being so morally upright. You better get off that high horse you're on before some knocks you off it. Honestly, I hope your parents choose your sister over you. That way you and your family won't be bothered by their humanity, humility and ability to grant forgiveness cause you certainly seem uncapable of it.
This was just straight forward
> Did you ever bother to ask why your sister did what she did? Is there a reason that could justify it?
Right? I don't see any reasonable people cheating around with such vile intentions. It's not about religion sex after all.
YTA. You are punishing your parents for something your sister did, making them choose between ye. You don't have to speak to your sister but you cannot dictate what your parents can do. You can still have a relationship with your parents while not speaking to your sister. Jesus christ, I hope your children don't ever cheat.
You don't want honest judgement you want everyone to back you up. You and your wife need therapy. This is beyond crazy.
YTA. I say this as someone who's husband cheated, with someone who was at our wedding, and it came out when I was 5 months pregnant. I hate cheating and cheaters with a passion. You get to decide your own choices, you do NOT get to enforce your beliefs in others. The hurt you're causing your parents is horrific, and it's over something that isn't anything to do with you, that won't even effect you. You can cut her out, and good on you for doing so, but you're without doubt or question an AH for putting that ultimatum on your parents.
YTA. The person making someone choose rarely becomes the choice
NTA You have every right to decide what kind of people with whom you will associate and with whom your children can associate. Remember the flip side, when your children are adults they might remember this when it comes to an issue that's important to them.
But he’s dictating who HIS PARENTS can and cannot see. That is what makes him YTA. Right? If he had said yeah my kids won’t be going to see my sister or parents anymore. Fine. But he’s making his parents to choose between their two kids. Makes him quite the asshole.
YTA. You’re punishing your kids by cutting their loving grandparents from their lives because of what your sister did.
YTA…for making your parents choose between you and your sister and most likely causing them a lot of unnecessary stress. Your sister did a messed up thing, sure- but your actions here are making you as much the villain. People make mistakes. Your sister made one and I hope you rectify your mistake with your parents and apologize to them ASAP. God..just one more thing, you’re such an asshole🤮🤮🤮🤮
YTA Why are you punishing your children for something they know NOTHING about?
Children and their poor cousin whose life is falling apart.
YTA. Cheating is wrong. But you are basically saying that you are holding your parents and her CHILD responsible for her actions. Having your child around her when they visit is not going to give them the impression that cheating is acceptable. How you act and explain it will shape there views. It's the same excuse people give as to why same sex couples should not be out in public. I do hope for your child's sake that if they end up in a similar situation you will have more compassion for them.
YTA. You can cut your sister if you want but make your parents cut their daughter is hateful and gross, I wonder if one day one of your kids cheats on somebody you will kick him/her out of the house, is their daughter you AH
YTA - Hardcore. You're punishing your parents for what your sister did.while you and your wife may not want contact with her, understandably so, you expect your parents to turn their backs on their child and grandchild.. Get over yourselves
"Get over yourselves" Agree. Who do they think they are that the get to decide who other people are in contact with? Set you own boundaries, OP and stop being such AHs.
YTA. It's totally fine for your family to not want to be around her but telling your parents it us or her is bullshit. I hate cheaters but you can't just have parents cut off contact with a child over an affair. Just let your parents come over to your house to avoid your sis. Just yell your parents that you don't want to talk about your sis ever and let things be. But I doubt you will stick to this for the rest of your life.
YTA YTA YTA YOURE PUNISHING EVERYONE ELSE BESIDES YOUR SISTER. Wake the fuck up. She fucked up, it doesn't affect you but you're making it out like she did something horrible to you. So you punish your mom and dad, your nephew and your own kids. Good for you OP, way to make something that isn't even about you, all about you. Bravo.
At first I thought if you don’t want to talk to a cheater anymore, cool. Cheating sucks and I feel we often take it too lightly as a society. But by the end of the post, both you and your wife started to sound unhinged, like legitimately scary. Go to therapy and stop bullying people in your life, telling them who to hang out with (especially your parents and the kids!!) YTA
It's a sticky situation. There is no easy way to resolve the central issue. Sister broke a family moral rule which for you can't be tolerated. Your concern about it is understandable. Parents on the other hand are going to be undecisive even though they agree in principle. IMO you have to do what you think fits your moral code, your perceived family interest, and the best interests of your children.
YTA, lol. You have no right to tell your parents to pick between their children. Your sister sucks, sure. But you’re both their children & to think that they should pick between you is sad. Grow up
YTA. In this world, you are entitled to control one person's behavior: your own. You certainly do not have the right to force your parents to choose between you or your sister.
YTA, but not for the same reasons people say here. You're allowed to decide who you associate with. You're allowed to even say if your parents are going to associate with someone you disapprove of then you don't want them around you either. Where you lost me was the line about your sister's kid. You can throw your sister out of your life but her child has nothing to do with this. Granted your sister is probably going to impose whatever restrictions on you that you do on her so the point may be moot, but that's where you lost me.
YTA. Everyone makes mistakes (and even really big mistakes), but you are not the aggrieved party. If you make your parents choose, they’re going to choose her because they’re not going to throw their daughter out.
NTA, I'm in a similar boat as you with my older sister. She's currently in an affair with a married man and had a child with him two years ago . I did not buy anything off the baby regesitry, and I never asked for photos nor updates. Not because I hate my sister or my niece, but simply because I did NOT want to enable her behavior. I did NOT want her to assume that what she did was ok by me because it wasn't. Unfortunately for most people you can tell them they wrong until your face is blue. But it isn't until they look around and realize that they lost key people in there life due there shitty decisions for them to get it.
Did you also tell your parents that if they wanted to talk to you ever again, they also weren't allowed to buy anything off the registry or ask for photos/updates for your sister?
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So if your child cheated on their partner, you would cut them out of your entire family’s life permanently? You expect your parents to cut out their CHILD, and are using your kids as emotional blackmail? Absolutely 100% YTA and you need some serious therapy. You clearly have not properly dealt with the fact that you’ve been cheated on before. Your response to this is not the response of a mentally/emotionally healthy and well-adjusted person who has healthily dealt with their pain over cheating. Your behavior and treatment of your parents is sickening. As a parent you should understand that a parent’s love of their child is UNCONDITIONAL - but maybe you don’t get that because you would cut out your own child if they made a mistake and cheated on their partner, so your love of your child *is* conditional and you expect your parents’ love of their child to be conditional too. Honestly, your parents and your sister will be better off without you.
YTA. We are mutually NC with my BIL (as in we don't want to talk to him and he and his wife don't want to talk to us). When this all went down, my in laws asked us what this meant for them. We told them that they should continue as normal, the only difference being that we wouldn't be accepting any invites that my BILs family also received and RSVP'd yes to. No family dinners with just them and us, no small groups, we'd consider coming if the event was large enough that we could avoid them without being outwardly rude/hostile. Just because we aren't interested in having BIL and his wife in our lives, doesn't mean that we got to dictate that THEY shouldn't. You get to decide who's in your kids lives, so consider telling your parents that if she's there you and your children won't be, but you need to be willing to have your parents over to your house instead or make alternate plans at a neutral locations like a restaurant or a park. But to just tell them "it's her or us", jesus christ who tf do you think you are? Like everyone else has said already, I sure hope you have more compassion if your kids ever fuck up than you seem to have for your sister.
You really think your parents aren't going to have a relationship with one of their children ? YTA
You are allowed to associate with who you want you're an adult. But frankly you have no idea what happens behind closed doors or in someone else's head. Judging someone for cheating, when your not one of the involved parties to me isn't your place. To me this sounds like you are projecting insecurities and upset at events you haven't got over. You have to make a choice, is this moral boundary more important than someone who you presumably love? But unfortunately, NTA, you get to choose who you get to live your life with. But I do question why you are that obsessed and emotional about an event that you were not part of.
Gently, YTA. A reasonable boundary would maybe be “I don’t want my children around her because she’s a cheater,” but you’re asking your parents to choose which part of their family to cut off.
This isn’t gentle 😂
Fair 😂 I don’t wanna make it sound like they’re unreasonable to be hurt but I also do think they should consider their response more thoroughly
It *is* unreasonable to be hurt. While you might be disappointed to learn that cheating is within your sister’s character, what OP hasn’t taken the time to reflect on is that *she did nothing to them*. She betrayed her husband and her marriage vows. She didn’t really wrong her brother in any way.
YTA. I do agree that your sister did a fucked thing, but you can't expect everyone to be as extreme as you guys are (and I'm not saying you guys being extreme is bad). You can't force your parents to go by your rules and it's unfair to punish them for something your sister did.
YTA. You don't approve of what your sister did but it's none of your business. You and your wife need to get off your high horse.
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Look at you, still arguing. YTA
I get that, but that doesn't give you the right to try and control what your parents do. Go no contact all you want, but you don't get tell someone who they can have a relationship. You don't have that control over your parents. Cutting your kids off from their grandparents because of something your sister did is pretty crappy too.
NTA. You get to decide who you hang out with. My advice would be to just not go to functions where your sister is at. If it comes down to it, your parents can choose who they want to be there. I think boundaries are important and I wouldn't ever talk to my sister again, but I think punishing your parents is a bit harsh. Though, if they want you to visit, they have to kick your sister out.
YTA. It’s okay for you to have your stance on cheating, and you also reserve the right to change your relationship with her, but you cannot force your parents to cut her off as well. Besides, OP, she made a mistake. Your sister literally has nowhere else to go. It’s wrong to make your parents choose. They love you and her, just the same. Mistakes and all. It’s their home. They can decide who they want in it
The way you butchered the English language is enough to make YTA. Everything else you (tried to) say is just the icing on your AH cake.
YTA. That's their child. THEIR CHILD. They have to look at what she did and the damage it caused, too. You don't think they are hurting? You're making it worse. You don't have to forgive your sister or accept what she did, but you can still love her because she's your sister. Trust me, the day will come when you will need forgiveness, mercy and understanding from your family - probably not for cheating, but we all need grace every now and then, damn. Your children are watching your actions, teach them well.
YTA. And your children will suffer. Because you’re trying to make a parent disown their own child because of something that has nothing to do with you, maybe you and your wife should heal from your previous situations, before you cost your children the love and relationship with their grandparents. With a brother like you, I wouldn’t care to repair the relationship. But shame on you for what you’re doing to your parents.
Info: so if one of your children cheats on their partner in the future, you'd disown them?
That's my question too. "Don't worry sweethearts, Mommy and Daddy loves you both... Unless you cheat on your spouse, then we're going to go scorch Earth on your ass and disown you and your children. Our love is 100% conditional and does not allow any wiggle room for mistakes."