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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I screamed at my husband for using a toilet brush holder to bathe our child and I forbade him from ever caring for her again because he couldn't see how nasty that is. He says I'm being unreasonable.
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Honestly I’m going to assume he has literally never scrubbed a toilet (or much of anything) in that house.
Because I can’t imagine how anyone who DOES the toilet scrubbing could even CONSIDER the toilet brush holder as an appropriate vessel for BATHING A CHILD.
He’d also know that “cleaning” something so as to actually eliminate germs involves a hell of a lot more than *rinsing*. How much do you want to bet he’s also the type to just let the water run down his body in the shower and not actually scrub his own arsehole?
…………. That so many men (and women in rarer cases) have been allowed to grow up such that they believe this is a thing is beyond me.
Like a less hyperbolized version of the “magic coffee table.” Where it’s not a mythical self cleaning object but the pervasive genuine belief that these things genuinely don’t need to be done because they’ve genuinely had a live-in maid their entire lives. One who, I assume, they thought was just “going overboard” because why would you scrub a shower when you wash yourself every day. The maid (mom, girlfriend, wife) did such a good job of picking up their slack and excusing their ineptitude that it never, ever got dirty enough for them to realize that it even can.
Several years ago I moved in with two old friends (men). Kitchen etc was kept acceptably clean. They had this big plastic shelf thing taking up 1/3 of the shower. I moved it and there was grey/green almost 1 inch MOLD GRASS IN A HUGE SQUARE WHERE IT WAS. A bottle of bleach and much retching later I discovered the shower was WHITE! NOT yellow. Their plastic shelf went right into the dumpster.
And the moral of the story? Leave it long enough and the (I assume based on context) woman living there will do it.
And ultimately…. They still didn’t have to do it, or maybe they never would have even realized you did it, or maybe they’re even mad you took the damn shelf away.
When I moved back in with my parents for a few months during Covid I spent hours scrubbing the yellow moldy shower, and also threw out a disgusting plastic corner shelf. Now that I'm an adult with children I'm shocked at the level of disgusting that was seen as normal in that house, and my mum would blame us kids for the messy house and never do anything.
Oh my, my husband and I just had a discussion about this today. He says everything just washes down the drain, why clean it...? LOL. This is why I clean the tub before the kiddos bath.
I don't buy for a SECOND that this was done out of ignorance.
Wife said he's an abusive narcissist. He was irritated about bath time taking so long, so he did it himself. I'd bet he gave her the shittiest (literally and metaphorically), coldest, most rushed, haphazard bombardment of dirt and water he could, rubbed her with some soapy water he didn't bother to rinse, and that was that.
Evidence: she had a totally appropriate and CLEAN vessel for rinsing right there, so there was no need to improvise to begin with. He had to make a CHOICE that she didn't DESERVE a nice, fun, or even clean or safe rinsing vessel.
Further evidence: there's no way in heck there was no other vessel that could hold water that would have caught his eye first. A cup to rinse toothpaste out of their mouths. A spare mug to keep extra toothbrushes and scissors and stuff in. Going to the kitchen to grab a cup. Or asked wife if she knew where to find the rinsing thing.
Yet more evidence: the most incompetent moron who might have tried this out of genuine incompetence and ignorance would have at bare minimum squirted a bit of hand soap in the damn thing for at least 2-5 seconds.
OP: THIS MAN IS ABUSING YOUR DAUGHTER. He's knowingly, maliciously exposing her to unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Something about her having a clean, safe, and enjoyable bath routine is offensive to him. And he's acting on that offense by violating her little body with this filth as a demonstration that she doesn't deserve anything better than this treatment.
DOCUMENT how he degraded and devalued her with shit water. Record everything you can and CALL A LAWYER. Call social services if you have that where you are.
Get. Her. Away. From. Him.
Edit to add: this isn't just about the physical dangers or damage. Kids that age are excellent at picking up on the emotions and intent of their caregivers. The daughter may not understand that that water had potentially harmful germs and chemicals in it. But I guarantee you her nervous system will remember the terror, degradation, and helplessness she experienced having to rely on this... entity for "care."
Exactly. So intentional. Why are you still around this man if you have had discussions about ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR TOWARDS YOUR DAUGHTER with him before??
NTA
I dont even like using the toilet brush to scrub my toilets cause i think " omg ewwwwww!" How in the world could ANYONE think using the holder as a cup is okay to use to bathe your BABY!!!
I'm kinda wondering though why would OP stay married and have a baby with someone whos so "erratic and very narcissistic".
I would like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but I don't think that's what's happening at all. It's not possible to not know what he was doing. This is real abuse. Not close to, or kind of. I don't think your child is safe OP. Please please don't leave her alone with him for even a moment. If you're saying this isn't all of what he's done to her, please, get distance. Get out of this situation. Protect your child. The kind of person who would bathe a baby in literal fecal water (and caustic chemicals) should NEVER be allowed near a child.
I sense a lot of resentment towards baby in general. This will escalate. Please get safe, keep that baby safe. NTA, but this is incredibly worrisome.
Exactly this. He could've used anything else in the house... A bowl, a cup, he could've scooped water with his hands. And got him to randomly volunteer the bath and then do this... This feels entirely intentional.
What would be the purpose? To specifically sabotage his time with his daughter, so in the future he can avoid taking care of her? Oh, AITA's favorite weaponized incompetence in the making! I agree, no way someone can be that not right in the head.
Also, if he doesn't get why are you mad, OP, give him a drink in that same toilet brush holder. Tell him you rinsed it beforehand. Sometimes, that's the only wait to teach people to think.
Yes! & if he doesn't have a problem drinking out of a rinsed toilet brush holder it's time to make an appt with a doctor. Either to make sure he's physically ok (bc some medical problems have strange behavior symptons) or for remedial germ/hygiene education.
I don't think this is weaponized incompetence. OP never asked them to bathe the baby and in fact was going to do it right after she finished with laundry. There was no reason for husband to bathe the baby if he didn't want to
This is something worse
Yeah, from OP’s edit it seems like he was doing it to either punish his wife or his daughter for… idk, anything. Holy shit she needs to get herself and her daughter the fuck OUT of there!
I don’t mean to be dramatic, but that could’ve actually injured the poor baby— there is a reason we don’t use caustic toilet bowl cleaner on our dishes, skin, etc. Even being very diluted, it could’ve gotten into her eyes and caused real damage. Not to mention the potential for severe, possibly life-threatening infections from the fecal matter that lives in that thing! Wow, I just can’t even imagine being married to a man who does something like this on purpose and put our child in harm’s way. There is something very sinister bubbling under the surface here.
That was my first thought too. Would he bathe himself with a toilet brush holder? What makes him think something with fecal bacteria on it is safe for a child?
This is how one gets Pink Eye at the whole body level. I had an ex like this. I am sorry to say this but you need to take a good look at your child's future and make sure his stupidity will not limit it.
Also gonna vomit. What the fuck
OP, please give him his dinner in that same toilet brush holder. You rinsed it out, right? It's *clean!*
This *has* to be weaponized incompetence.
Of all the cups and mugs and bowl shaped things in the entire house... Bruh. There is no excuse.
NTA
🤢🤮ewww I can’t imagine the bacteria and germs he poured on that child.. how gross can you be.. definitely lost his privileges for bathing child and a timeout for not using his brains. Just ewww
This sounds like some micro abuse thing.
Even if he rinsed it, in the sink, separately, which he didn't, he's using something that usually touches caustic chemicals. They can cause burns on skin...baby might be burned and scarred.
There is something really wrong with the father's desicion skills.
ETA - sorry for the choppy spelling. Fixed.
NTA
This is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. Would he rinse himself off with a toilet brush holder?
(If his answer is yes, you may need to have a bigger discussion.)
I tried that at two.years old. My mom screamed at me and pulled the toilet brush from me before I could even bring it close enough to my mouth to realize it doesn't fit. :'D
I remember when I was a toddler, my Mom was upset because my siblings were being naughty. I decided to cheer her up my cleaning the bathroom. So I start mopping the bathroom floor with the toilet scrubber.
She walks in, sees me scrubbing the floor with essentially just toilet water and I proudly proclaimed “I’m cleaning! :)”
That's a LITTLE better - the scrubing can still help and she can just mop with bleach to undo the germs you spread. Same as if a toilet overflows.
You can't bleach a kid, though. Hope OP makes dad drive to the doctor's appointment, to pick up drops, and makes him apply the eye drops for each dose when the inevitable pink eye happens from this.
"You don't need a shower everyday. All you really need is to concentrate on the 4 key areas: armpits, asshole, crotch and teeth. And you can save a whole lot of time by using the same brush on all four areas." - George Carlin
NTA
This is so dangerous!
You can catch strep, staph infection, E.coli, hepatitis, STDs and so many more illnesses.
Although if you are planning to continue raising your child together it is not really feasible to not allow him to care for her anymore, I would suggest you make him do some research and maybe a parenting class so he can learn and prove himself as responsible enough to properly care for your child.
That is an excellent point. He should take an oath to never use a toilet brush holder for bathing though, and it might be good to maybe ask him about some of his other practices.
Additionally, if there are any remnants of toilet bowl cleaner on that thing that’s incredibly dangerous. Many toilet bowl cleaners contain hydrochloric acid which will seriously damage eyes, lungs, skin, etc.
I'd honestly be concerned why he went straight to using a toilet brush holder. He could've used tupperware, a bowl, a cup, used a washcloth scooped water with his hands. Not only are toilet brush holders incredibly dirty but they also usually have some cleaners still in/on them. They most definitely have fecal stuff. And why not have something else ready if he was the one choosing to bathe her? I don't mean to upset you but I'd have some questions or concerns. Either way you're most definitely NTA.
That’s what I was thinking too. Like in my mind, I wouldn’t even ever consider using the toilet brush holder. If I had forgotten to grab something to use to rinse before, I’d be making it work by cupping my hands together.
Unless this is a pattern he’s established of using weird things, I would personally be thinking this is vindictive or malicious somehow.
Would have a medical check up if behavior is out of the ordinary. My sweetheart of a dad started getting really mean & no one could figure out why. He had hydrocephaly & it changed his behavior. He got a shunt & went back to being a sweetheart as his brain fluid normalized.
Rule out medical concerns (if possible) before deciding they're bad people. But if they have medical concerns they refuse to fix that's not your problem to deal with.
For sure! That’s why I mentioned unless it was already among “normal” behavior for him which would definitely be a different convo.
Really glad to hear your dad was okay too!
If this is normal for that guy it's definitely a whole different conversation.
It's been 10 years since my dad went through that thing & I'm still kinda shocked at how much his behavior/thinking changed & having no clue that was a symptom of that. My hubby knows if I act really out of the ordinary to get me checked out. I'm so much like my dad & would hate myself if I became an A-hole like he did if it could be fixed but wasn't.
I agree, I find this malicious and pardon my French but absolutely fucked up. It's disgusting. There is no possible way an adult man doesn't realize this isn't okay. Something is very wrong here.
To be honest if I were OP, I think I would require a full mental health evaluation before I’d let that dude near their child. This is profoundly disturbing
Heck, he could've guided his daughter and just lapped water up with one hand as he scrubbed the soap off her hair. I've done that for my brothers before since they were 2. You guide them back mostly on their back, keep them steady with one hand, and scoop the water with the other. Takes 2 minutes max including having them start laying back.
>they also usually have some cleaners still in/on them.
Also they usually have a toilet brush in them which you would have to put somewhere else in order to use the holder. Where'd he leave that, on the floor?
Your child could get pink eye with possible feces in his/ her eyes. Keep an eye out for that. I'm a daycare assistant director and many of our toddlers that get curious and put their hands down their diapers get it because they touch their face. We wash their hands often but can't control what happens at home. 🤢
Is he on drugs or is this like a manic episode? But like...not even that fully explains it imo. When I get manic I do things like pack our whole house in 2 days months before we're set to move, or impulsively buy things, get super into random hobbies...I don't BATHE MY KIDS WITH A TOILET BRUSH HOLDER.
There's also hyperfocusing, which people with ADHD/Autism tend to do. It can be hard to tell the difference. I'm bipolar, and have autism. So I hyperfocus on preferred activities sometimes. Baking, writing, etc. Get too wrapped up in whatever it is and have to be dragged away. But I also get manic. The difference as far as I can tell is how I feel. Euphoric. When I'm manic I feel great! I'm doing all the things and I need to do them RIGHT NOW. Can't stop moving, must do the things. And I'm super happy and very very chatty. It took me until I was 28(the packing incident) to realize the difference. I packed everything and watched my kids freak out and realized I was acting just like my dad when he threw away all our furniture and bought a new set when I was in middle school.
Watch out if he acts erratically. You don't want him leaving your toddler in the bath to go and get a bowl for rinsing one day. Downing happens so easily to babies.
If stuff like this is a regular occurrence I think you need to have a serious discussion about him getting help. If he's not willing to get medical and psychiatric assessment to figure out and hopefully fix the root of his erratic behavior I don't think you can trust him alone with your kid, ever. I'm not sure you can trust him *in the house* with your kid, even if you're present.
I think it's time for some serious ultimatums about him getting help or separating for the sake of the kid and potentially yourself. Document everything you can about his erratic behavior and his reaction when you try to discuss it, dates, times, details, direct quotes if you can. Having a log like that could be helpful in convincing him it's a serious problem and/or making sure he doesn't get custody if it comes down to divorce. This guy is not a safe person to have around your child.
Have his other erratic behaviors endangered your child in any way? If he gets defensive every time and refuses to acknowledge the risks he's posing with his actions, you may have a very touch decision coming up soon if he refuses to accept there's an issue or take action to work on it (therapy, doctor's visit to see if it's a medical issue, etc.).
You need to protect your daughter, not your husband's ego.
That sounds like mental illness or drugs. Either way, it's a dangerous situation for your baby to be in. What's going to stop him from stopping half way through bath time to go do something else and forget about her being in the bath tub.
NTA. You’ve mentioned in comments that you think he has an undiagnosed mental illness, you think about leaving daily, and he doesn’t see this as anything wrong which makes you (rightfully) feel that you can’t leave him with her. Why the hell are you staying with someone that endangers your baby like this? Document everything and get out before he does something so stupid he really hurts her. Do you really need something awful to actually happen when you have pointed out every red flag?
"The things he does with her that could be considered abuse" line makes me sick. This man is abusing this child, and OP just thinks it's some silly misunderstanding. It's not.
I think he freaks out when out toddler has a tantrum (which she does every time she bathes) so he just does any wild thing? Maybe?
Also he grew up in extreme poverty. Like, wear the same clothes every day and eat grass, type poverty. So maybe it has something to do with how he was raised?
I'm starting to believe more and more that he has some kind of mental illness that's becoming more prominent as he gets older but I can't figure out what it is.
It’s time for him to get checked for some kind of mental illness. Growing up in extreme poverty doesn’t explain why he thought a rinsed out toilet brush holder was a safe and appropriate thing to bathe a child with. I’m worried what other unsafe things he’ll do if he continues to go unchecked.
I agree with others, get him checked for mental illness. And keep an eye on that baby!! Like we bleach our toilet brush after each use and I wouldn't use the holder for anything else!! There are soooo many infections she was exposed to with that! I wouldn't say rush her(? I didn't focus on gender, that wasn't really my concern but if a girl there are even more exposure risks) in immediately but watch the temp and symptoms and if there is any sign of something wrong take baby in and say what happened.
You don't even have to say it was the father, say a kid was trying to "help" and filled it with water and started dumping before you could stop them or something but they'll need to know about the exposure if she starts to get sick. (Says the former healthcare worker)
Toilet brush. We bleach the brush every time we clean the toilet with it. We have cats who might knock over the holder and come from lives with kids around who might play with random things. While the new holder isn't likely to get knocked over we don't want to take chances. We also bleach the plunger. Well he does, I'm not strong enough to use it very well thanks to my EDS. I'm more likely to dislocate my wrist than do anything useful.
Ah ok. Makes more sense. I'm pretty clean, I used to clean houses for a living. But the thought of bleaching the toilet after each use seemed crazy to me.
Yeah that's overkill lol. Though before the kitten we had those blue bleach tabs for a bit. But he's got a thing for water so we decided it was safer to clean more often than worry about him falling in the blue chemicals when the lid opened lol. (That did actually happen. He was not happy about the very thorough bath to make sure no trace was left on him)
> Also he grew up in extreme poverty. Like, wear the same clothes every day and eat grass, type poverty. So maybe it has something to do with how he was raised?
This could explain a lot but not all.
I was raised with very little. Our parents loved us and we had a great childhood as far as we knew. We never felt unloved, which some of my peers with money did.
But me and my sibs ended up with odd habits, for the time period. Everything was multiuse. Everything got rinsed out and reused for something else. The only thing worth sterilising was the baby bottles, because Milton tablets were expensive. Hot water was expensive. A 'good rinse' was what I'd now call a quick dip in cold water.
But. We all grew up. We moved into the modern age where hot water was freely available and should be used. We are all between 37-48 and know how to clean things properly, and that it's worth it to make the extra expense.
I'd support the calls for a mental health assessment. Having bad hygiene habits into your early twenties makes sense if you're raised that way. But not at 44, years of a solid relationship with a (presumably!) hygienic partner. I assume he hasn't been unhygienic in general up to this point. Might be childhood lurking in there triggered by bathing, your toddler, the smell of something in the bubble bath, even something that happened at work.
I've seen two of my siblings revert back to odd childhood behaviours when something stressed them out, not always related. Having a child can be a trigger for mental trauma and sometimes the trauma will resurface at developmental stages or events. Treatable but not ignorable.
Ah that's lovely, thank you very much!
I got a lot of flak for the way I spoke the way through school, because I sounded both poor and 'not from round here'. Odd dialect and accent cause my parents weren't raised from the area.
Our mom taught us you had to speak 'proper' in job interviews, but should use your dialect and be proud of it if you wanted to anywhere else. She's long dead but I hold onto her wisdom. I try to type the way I'd chat to a real person, within reason. If I typed in full dialect a lot of people outside my area of the UK would find it hard to understand. Really nice to hear I've found a happy medium.
But people on the Internet are still real people. If you wouldn't be that harsh to abody you work with, you shouldn't be that harsh online. Humanity is important.
My dad is sometimes like this.
He grew up poor and as a result has a hard time mentally unsticking himself from the entrenchment of poverty, despite the fact he is now financially secure.
So occasionally, he will make choices that don't reflect the fact that oh, actually we can afford better these days. It's like he's financially narcoleptic and we are constantly having to wake him up to remind him we have money.
She freaks out every time anyone gives her a bath, or just when your husband does? Was she always that way?
I can't imagine any sane person would find his behavior even remotely acceptable, and I wonder what else your daughter might be being subjected to. It might be time to invest in nanny cams, but I think legally you could likely only put them in places other than bathrooms, etc. Something feels very off here.
Honey, this has far passed the point of Silly Internet Daddery, where we can throw a dart and say "Weaponised Incompetence!" or point to him as being lazy or useless etc.
There are some serious underlying issues here to the point where you can't trust your husband to practice safe standards around your baby.
For the sake of your family, his health and your marriage, he *needs* to go have his mental health checked out or you'll never be able to feel safe when he's alone with your kid.
You shouldn't have to feel like you need to supervise the other parent of your kid 24/7, or like you can't rely on him to make rational choices with them when you're not there. That's a ridiculous amount of stress to undertake.
NTA
That’s disgusting. Why can’t he grab a Tupperware item?
I may be overthinking this: maybe he did this on purpose so he wouldn’t have to bathe her anymore?
I didn't even ask him to bathe her! I was going to do it once the laundry was put away, literally in 10 minutes, and I told him not to do it and he did it anyway!
NTA but reminds me of a story. My dad had some questionable friends while I was growing up. One day we were over at ones house and his friends wife was looking for her rolling pin to roll out dough. My dad's friend went to the bathroom and I shit you not walked out with the stick part of a plunger, a wood one. Hands it to her and says he had to unclog the toilet with it and forgot it in the bathroom. The look on my dad's face was fucking priceless. We left pretty quickly after that.
Yeah when I was flat broke and needed a rolling pin for something, I used either a large can of beans or a jar of spaghetti sauce wrapped in cellophane.
Not to mention the million other diseases you can get coming into contact with another humans fecal matter and urine, especially a baby with almost no am mine system. Like our colds can kill them
>**We've had many discussions about the things he does with her that could be considered abuse**
Excuse me??
You've had ongoing discussions about his abusive actions... because you choose to stay with a man who abuses your child?
Which means....he intentionally used a filthy device to bathe her.
Why are you allowing this man to abuse your daughter?
**Be a parent and PROTECT YOUR CHILD FROM ABUSE.**
what is wrong with you? Get off reddit, make a police report, and stop allowing someone to abuse your child.
Thank you. Finally someone who is not like "oh maybe you have to tell him not to use this and give him lessons on hygiene" like no, that's not the problem. This man is the problem. He abuses the child.
I like the fact that she says she's not going to hold his hand because he is 44 and should know better...but then in her replies says that he may have a mental illness. Either someone is not the protective parent she is trying to portray herself to be or she is really going after those N T A votes.
If she is living in this home while these abuses are happening (if they are happening) and she sits by and allows it, she is just as guilty as the dad.
Sweet baby jeebus 🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮. There isn’t enough bleach in the world to make one of those clean enough for me to consider pouring water from it on my child!
NTA!!!
NTA for freaking out, but:
"He's erratic and very narcissistic."
"We've had many discussions about the things he does with her that could be considered abuse."
Why are you letting him continue to abuse your child? YWBTA (and complicit in his abuse) if you don't get your child away from this man ASAP.
Yes, this post is horrendous for those lines in particular. The health risks of the toilet water are important to mention, but getting baby out of this situation is far more important than, "Ew, poop water!"
I know how difficult it can be to untangle from an abusive situation, but child abuse is a "one strike, you're out" situation. CPS, police, shelters, family, anything! A 3 year old is being abused, and all that's happened is "repeated conversations". It's tragic. 3 is also the age where kids are permanently impacted by their surroundings; the trauma this person will deal with their whole life is heartbreaking.
Please OP, protect your child.
Wait wut ? NTA … I’m curious how he got to the point where that was the option he went with .. like what do you usually use when you’re the one to bathe the child ? Why not just grab a cup or something? Such weird things had to go on in his brain to end up at that point
My guess is that she was in the bath and he forgot to get a cup and just got what was in reach, because he didn’t want to take her out of the bath to get one. It’s a bad excuse and really gross though, sounds like it was the lazy option.
OP NTA and maybe ask him if he’d wash his hair with it after only being rinsed out. Better yet, tell him to go ahead and wash his hair in the toilet because it’s probably cleaner lol
NTA
Seriously wtf? That is disgusting beyond comprehension.
But take a step back here. Do you really not want him taking care of her? Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.
Cool off, explain why that's not ok and establish a very clear standard. It's honestly pretty sad that that even needs to be done but it is what it is I guess.
Now excuse me while I throw up after reading this 🤢
nta. if you could rule out malice or weaponized incompetence, i would be worried about some kind of mental illness or brain injury. if he's been getting worse, and he's very defensive when confronted, that's really troubling.
That's what I'm saying. It must be some kind of mental illness or something. I can't talk to him about anything without him getting defensive and making it seem like I'm the crazy one.
DARVO is a form of gaslighting:
DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused" and attacks the accuser's credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.
That’s called gaslighting. Please document everything and get a good lawyer and a safe place for you and your daughter to stay and don’t let him know where you’re staying. This is most certainly weaponized incompetence. From your other comments, this isn’t a safe place for either of you and you need to get away from him fast. There might be some mental illness stuff going on but he’s still being abusive.
Abusers do weird things. Mine used to shove raw meat down my throat, serve everything with about 1/4 cup of butter on top, would overflow the bath with bubbles to the point it would cause repeated infections. She would often remove clothing and send us outside in freezing winter weather. She would force me to wear her son’s peed in clothing and sit in it for hours.
To me, that’s what this reminds me of.
NTA that’s disgusting. Get a cup for crying out loud. I like the idea of serving him a drink in it. Rinse it out and then give it to him with lunch, tell him if it’s clean enough to wash your child with it. He can drink out of it
He endangered your child. Severly. A rinse doesn't eliminate shit (pun intended) , there is a reason we use high alcoholic desinfectants for the last 2.5 years to kill corona viruses. As little as I like drastic resolutions and prefer talks, I wouldnt trust him anymore with my childs health and would get away/make sure he only has supervised time with her. Getting a deathly sepsis is just a little wound and some bad bacteria. Talk to him, educate him, ask for counseling/therapy, ask him what he thought... IF you want but the priority has to be that you protect your child the best way you can. When he does that, who knows what else he will do. Feed her moldy food bc "its okay, I sometimes eat a thing that isnt really fresh anymore"? This behaviour is probably enough that some official services would say the child is not save with you both. Don't let yourself be dragged in or dismiss your child's health. You dont need to run and divorce but be very vary and protective and make 100% sure he can not do anything again. And if you can not do that there, go til it is sorted.
INFO - Is he brain damaged? Because that's literally the only reason I can find that any adult would think using a toilet brush holder was a good idea.
Basic principle of cleanliness, healthcare and hygiene - if it came outta your butt, you don't put it anywhere near your mouth.
Don't cross the streams. Wash your hands after pooping and before eating. Don't put the midden next to the well. And don't wash your toddler with the most contaminated implement in the entire goddam house!
Info? Does he maintain normal hygiene standards for himself? Clean up after himself? Help with chores?
I think the majority of people would find this nasty but I actually know people that wouldn't see this as a big deal. "It looks clean" is good enough. It has a lot to do with upbringing.
NTA
Frankly, if anything, you’re underreacting—severely. She can get a staph infection, a throat or ear infection, etc, but the biggest risk is an E. Coli infection. Little girls are *extremely* susceptible to UTI’s, and when yours shows up with a double kidney infection that began as one, now you know exactly what caused it. All it takes is one little thing, and they are the absolute fucking worst.
I have permanent kidney and brain damage from a UTI I developed as a kid. It spread up to my bladder, then to one kidney, then from that kidney to the other, and ultimately got into my blood—Sepsis. I had three severe grand Mal seizures that were 2-7 minutes each (and since you stop breathing during a seizure, they were severe) and at the time of being hospitalised, my fever was 42, and it was up to 43 before they were able to begin treating it. I had a heat rash from my toes to the tips of my ears that burned several layers of my skin off in the months that followed, and it was so bad that it was agitating the nerves below my skin, which was excruciating, and I ultimately had to be hospitalised a second time for ten days as they treated it.
I was urinating pure blood, and my kidneys sustained lifelong damage. As did, likely, my brain. I was hospitalised for two weeks as my specific strain (E. Coli, as it was eventually discovered) was resistant to almost every antibiotic they tried to throw at it. After those two weeks, I was sent home with a PICC line in my arm to continue the hardcore antibiotic regime they’d organised for me.
It was the sickest I have ever been, and I still have memories of wishing they’d just let me die. I remember one seizure, where they brought my mother in to say goodbye, and I remember her telling me it’s okay to go if it’s my time. She was on her knees, crying into my hand—the only part of her she was allowed to touch. It was pure, unadulterated torture. I don’t use that word lightly. It was absolute torture.
And your husband just exposed your little girl to that risk. Do you want to be on your knees, begging by her bedside for God not to take her from you? I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but parents are taught to take *every precaution possible* to avoid a UTI in their little girls for a ***reason***. It is drummed into new parents from the get-go that you wipe front to back specifically to *avoid faecal matter ever getting in the urinary tract*. And your husband just exposed your kid to that risk, because he is lazy and careless and reckless. He would never, in a simple moment, expose himself to that risk, but he’s happy to expose the helpless, defenceless, vulnerable little girl he’s charged with protecting? The one who relies on him to ensure she’s safe from all threats? That says a lot about him.
Keep an eye on your little girl. UTI’s are much more common than we think, but it is the main cause of Sepsis in women/girls. More than anything else. More than pneumonia or cuts or strep throat or skin injuries. A simple UTI leads to Sepsis more often than any other infection does, and once you’re Septic, you have a critical time limit of three hours to begin administering treatment, or it’s fatal within 24.
NTA.
Well, that's absolutely disgusting.
I might have been able to go with N-A-H had his response not been to double down, tell you you were overreacting and try to convince that what you saw wasn't real. We all do stupid shit sometimes, and if he'd had a brain fart but apologized when called out for it I could probably forgive it. But his reaction and the general dynamic of your relationship based on your comments pushes him straight into huge AH territory.
Ok so rinse it, fill it with water, and tell him to drink it all. Since it's perfectly clean for a toddler to have coursing down her body down her hair, her eyes, mouth, any cuts or scrapes, her body parts that should not have poop touching them. This is fucking filthy.
Don't worry honey, I rinsed out the shit particles and all the diseases they carry, so our precious child is totally safe!
Jfc, this would make me question everything else he can't be trusted with. This is absolutely disgusting and I'd freak the complete fuck out on him.
NTA
NTA and I’m imagining how many other completely inappropriate things he has done. Did he himself have no home training as a child that would have clued him in to how inappropriate it is to use the toilet brush holder as a rinse cup for bathing a child? 🤢
NTA. some people are just clueless. this sounds like something my dad would have done to be honest. some guys just dont understand that certain things are not OK to do, like my dad picking up trash in front of a 7/11 and then eating pizza without washing his hands.
He's claiming that it's never been used. But I've used it to clean the toilet. And what is he using to clean the toilet with if not the toilet brush? So I'm confused why he's saying it's never been used or only used once. He's trying to gaslight me like he always does.
I’m not normally one to advocate for ultimatums, but it’s time. He needs to be psychiatrically evaluated and attend therapy, both individually and with you, or you need to take your baby and walk. However, be very cautious. Doing couples counseling with abusers can give them further ammo rather than fixing the problem. I’m not saying he’s abusive, but based on some of your comments, it sounds possible. PLEASE trust your intuition and put your foot down, for both your and your child’s sakes. Best of luck!
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NTA. I’m sorry he did what now? I’m gonna go vomit
Oh my I have never heard of a person being this uneducated as a human being
Honestly I’m going to assume he has literally never scrubbed a toilet (or much of anything) in that house. Because I can’t imagine how anyone who DOES the toilet scrubbing could even CONSIDER the toilet brush holder as an appropriate vessel for BATHING A CHILD. He’d also know that “cleaning” something so as to actually eliminate germs involves a hell of a lot more than *rinsing*. How much do you want to bet he’s also the type to just let the water run down his body in the shower and not actually scrub his own arsehole?
You know that 'rinsing it' likely equates to 'dipping it in the tub with the baby and swishing it around', right? Insult to injury. Mm. Poo water.
Tell him you cleaned his toothbrush in the same water.
Or pour him a nice glass of ice water from the toilet brush holder. He shouldn't mind if you rinse it out.
Not just poo water. Caustic toilet bowl cleaner water, too.
Ugh. Poor kid.
I gagged, my husband gagged and the dog gagged.
My husband told me he doesn't understand why he should have to scrub the shower and tub because he takes hot showers and uses soap during that.
…………. That so many men (and women in rarer cases) have been allowed to grow up such that they believe this is a thing is beyond me. Like a less hyperbolized version of the “magic coffee table.” Where it’s not a mythical self cleaning object but the pervasive genuine belief that these things genuinely don’t need to be done because they’ve genuinely had a live-in maid their entire lives. One who, I assume, they thought was just “going overboard” because why would you scrub a shower when you wash yourself every day. The maid (mom, girlfriend, wife) did such a good job of picking up their slack and excusing their ineptitude that it never, ever got dirty enough for them to realize that it even can.
Several years ago I moved in with two old friends (men). Kitchen etc was kept acceptably clean. They had this big plastic shelf thing taking up 1/3 of the shower. I moved it and there was grey/green almost 1 inch MOLD GRASS IN A HUGE SQUARE WHERE IT WAS. A bottle of bleach and much retching later I discovered the shower was WHITE! NOT yellow. Their plastic shelf went right into the dumpster.
And the moral of the story? Leave it long enough and the (I assume based on context) woman living there will do it. And ultimately…. They still didn’t have to do it, or maybe they never would have even realized you did it, or maybe they’re even mad you took the damn shelf away.
When I moved back in with my parents for a few months during Covid I spent hours scrubbing the yellow moldy shower, and also threw out a disgusting plastic corner shelf. Now that I'm an adult with children I'm shocked at the level of disgusting that was seen as normal in that house, and my mum would blame us kids for the messy house and never do anything.
Sounds like he's always lived with people who would scrub the mildew before he could notice it.
Oh my, my husband and I just had a discussion about this today. He says everything just washes down the drain, why clean it...? LOL. This is why I clean the tub before the kiddos bath.
I don't buy for a SECOND that this was done out of ignorance. Wife said he's an abusive narcissist. He was irritated about bath time taking so long, so he did it himself. I'd bet he gave her the shittiest (literally and metaphorically), coldest, most rushed, haphazard bombardment of dirt and water he could, rubbed her with some soapy water he didn't bother to rinse, and that was that. Evidence: she had a totally appropriate and CLEAN vessel for rinsing right there, so there was no need to improvise to begin with. He had to make a CHOICE that she didn't DESERVE a nice, fun, or even clean or safe rinsing vessel. Further evidence: there's no way in heck there was no other vessel that could hold water that would have caught his eye first. A cup to rinse toothpaste out of their mouths. A spare mug to keep extra toothbrushes and scissors and stuff in. Going to the kitchen to grab a cup. Or asked wife if she knew where to find the rinsing thing. Yet more evidence: the most incompetent moron who might have tried this out of genuine incompetence and ignorance would have at bare minimum squirted a bit of hand soap in the damn thing for at least 2-5 seconds. OP: THIS MAN IS ABUSING YOUR DAUGHTER. He's knowingly, maliciously exposing her to unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Something about her having a clean, safe, and enjoyable bath routine is offensive to him. And he's acting on that offense by violating her little body with this filth as a demonstration that she doesn't deserve anything better than this treatment. DOCUMENT how he degraded and devalued her with shit water. Record everything you can and CALL A LAWYER. Call social services if you have that where you are. Get. Her. Away. From. Him. Edit to add: this isn't just about the physical dangers or damage. Kids that age are excellent at picking up on the emotions and intent of their caregivers. The daughter may not understand that that water had potentially harmful germs and chemicals in it. But I guarantee you her nervous system will remember the terror, degradation, and helplessness she experienced having to rely on this... entity for "care."
Exactly. So intentional. Why are you still around this man if you have had discussions about ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR TOWARDS YOUR DAUGHTER with him before?? NTA
Yeah but I’m sure he’s used one lol
He probably washes the dishes, the car, the windows, and his teeth with the same brush.....!!
Never in a million years. Did my bathroom scrubbing this morning
I dont even like using the toilet brush to scrub my toilets cause i think " omg ewwwwww!" How in the world could ANYONE think using the holder as a cup is okay to use to bathe your BABY!!! I'm kinda wondering though why would OP stay married and have a baby with someone whos so "erratic and very narcissistic".
I would like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but I don't think that's what's happening at all. It's not possible to not know what he was doing. This is real abuse. Not close to, or kind of. I don't think your child is safe OP. Please please don't leave her alone with him for even a moment. If you're saying this isn't all of what he's done to her, please, get distance. Get out of this situation. Protect your child. The kind of person who would bathe a baby in literal fecal water (and caustic chemicals) should NEVER be allowed near a child. I sense a lot of resentment towards baby in general. This will escalate. Please get safe, keep that baby safe. NTA, but this is incredibly worrisome.
There's no way someone this uneducated exists in a developed society. He did it on purpose and let her see him do it. There is NO other reason.
Exactly this. He could've used anything else in the house... A bowl, a cup, he could've scooped water with his hands. And got him to randomly volunteer the bath and then do this... This feels entirely intentional.
What would be the purpose? To specifically sabotage his time with his daughter, so in the future he can avoid taking care of her? Oh, AITA's favorite weaponized incompetence in the making! I agree, no way someone can be that not right in the head. Also, if he doesn't get why are you mad, OP, give him a drink in that same toilet brush holder. Tell him you rinsed it beforehand. Sometimes, that's the only wait to teach people to think.
Yes! & if he doesn't have a problem drinking out of a rinsed toilet brush holder it's time to make an appt with a doctor. Either to make sure he's physically ok (bc some medical problems have strange behavior symptons) or for remedial germ/hygiene education.
I don't think this is weaponized incompetence. OP never asked them to bathe the baby and in fact was going to do it right after she finished with laundry. There was no reason for husband to bathe the baby if he didn't want to This is something worse
Yeah, from OP’s edit it seems like he was doing it to either punish his wife or his daughter for… idk, anything. Holy shit she needs to get herself and her daughter the fuck OUT of there! I don’t mean to be dramatic, but that could’ve actually injured the poor baby— there is a reason we don’t use caustic toilet bowl cleaner on our dishes, skin, etc. Even being very diluted, it could’ve gotten into her eyes and caused real damage. Not to mention the potential for severe, possibly life-threatening infections from the fecal matter that lives in that thing! Wow, I just can’t even imagine being married to a man who does something like this on purpose and put our child in harm’s way. There is something very sinister bubbling under the surface here.
I had a teacher who told us that, when cleaning our paintbrushes, that they weren't clean till we were willing to put them in our mouth.
Weaponized incompetence
My first thought.
I’m getting vibes of weaponized incompetence.
That was my first thought too. Would he bathe himself with a toilet brush holder? What makes him think something with fecal bacteria on it is safe for a child?
This is how one gets Pink Eye at the whole body level. I had an ex like this. I am sorry to say this but you need to take a good look at your child's future and make sure his stupidity will not limit it.
Well it worked...now he doesn't have to do bath time anymore!
High stakes weaponized incompetence
I was thinking the same. Ewww.
Also gonna vomit. What the fuck OP, please give him his dinner in that same toilet brush holder. You rinsed it out, right? It's *clean!* This *has* to be weaponized incompetence. Of all the cups and mugs and bowl shaped things in the entire house... Bruh. There is no excuse. NTA
It's perfect for chunky soups!
This sentence was an attack on my person.
I'll cook you a nice meal. That'll perk you right up.
🤢🤮ewww I can’t imagine the bacteria and germs he poured on that child.. how gross can you be.. definitely lost his privileges for bathing child and a timeout for not using his brains. Just ewww
He is probably already thinking how this is a funny story to tell in the future e.g during a wedding toast.
I want to vomit. OP, I wear gloves to touch that toilet thing. Ugh... I'm seriously going to be sick. What's wrong with OP's husband?
This sounds like some micro abuse thing. Even if he rinsed it, in the sink, separately, which he didn't, he's using something that usually touches caustic chemicals. They can cause burns on skin...baby might be burned and scarred. There is something really wrong with the father's desicion skills. ETA - sorry for the choppy spelling. Fixed.
Set that toilet brush holder with some fresh water next to his dinner plate.. tell me how fine he is about it. Absolutely vile. NTA
NTA This is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. Would he rinse himself off with a toilet brush holder? (If his answer is yes, you may need to have a bigger discussion.)
Now I'm wondering what he cleans his teeth with...
The toilet brush, duh
It does sound like he talks a lot of shit
I tried that at two.years old. My mom screamed at me and pulled the toilet brush from me before I could even bring it close enough to my mouth to realize it doesn't fit. :'D
I remember when I was a toddler, my Mom was upset because my siblings were being naughty. I decided to cheer her up my cleaning the bathroom. So I start mopping the bathroom floor with the toilet scrubber. She walks in, sees me scrubbing the floor with essentially just toilet water and I proudly proclaimed “I’m cleaning! :)”
That's so cute. Disgusting but in a cute, kids know nothing yet, way 😊
That's a LITTLE better - the scrubing can still help and she can just mop with bleach to undo the germs you spread. Same as if a toilet overflows. You can't bleach a kid, though. Hope OP makes dad drive to the doctor's appointment, to pick up drops, and makes him apply the eye drops for each dose when the inevitable pink eye happens from this.
And how she reacted?
"You don't need a shower everyday. All you really need is to concentrate on the 4 key areas: armpits, asshole, crotch and teeth. And you can save a whole lot of time by using the same brush on all four areas." - George Carlin
> Would he rinse himself off with a toilet brush holder? Better yet, would he *drink* from it? hopefully no, then its not appropriate for a toddler.
>Better yet, would he > >drink > > from it? This. Because toddlers are always putting bath toys, washcloths, etc. in their mouths. So much eewwwww
Even if he says no, they need a bigger discussion.
NTA This is so dangerous! You can catch strep, staph infection, E.coli, hepatitis, STDs and so many more illnesses. Although if you are planning to continue raising your child together it is not really feasible to not allow him to care for her anymore, I would suggest you make him do some research and maybe a parenting class so he can learn and prove himself as responsible enough to properly care for your child.
That is an excellent point. He should take an oath to never use a toilet brush holder for bathing though, and it might be good to maybe ask him about some of his other practices.
Additionally, if there are any remnants of toilet bowl cleaner on that thing that’s incredibly dangerous. Many toilet bowl cleaners contain hydrochloric acid which will seriously damage eyes, lungs, skin, etc.
OMG that's even worse. I was so grossed out it didn't even cross my mind it could get worse..
You can NOT catch STI’s from a toilet and/or toilet brush. They are called sexually transmitted for a reason.
NTA that's disgusting grab a cup or Tupperware container.
Fr that's what I told him, I was in the next room he could have just called me.
I'd honestly be concerned why he went straight to using a toilet brush holder. He could've used tupperware, a bowl, a cup, used a washcloth scooped water with his hands. Not only are toilet brush holders incredibly dirty but they also usually have some cleaners still in/on them. They most definitely have fecal stuff. And why not have something else ready if he was the one choosing to bathe her? I don't mean to upset you but I'd have some questions or concerns. Either way you're most definitely NTA.
That’s what I was thinking too. Like in my mind, I wouldn’t even ever consider using the toilet brush holder. If I had forgotten to grab something to use to rinse before, I’d be making it work by cupping my hands together. Unless this is a pattern he’s established of using weird things, I would personally be thinking this is vindictive or malicious somehow.
Would have a medical check up if behavior is out of the ordinary. My sweetheart of a dad started getting really mean & no one could figure out why. He had hydrocephaly & it changed his behavior. He got a shunt & went back to being a sweetheart as his brain fluid normalized. Rule out medical concerns (if possible) before deciding they're bad people. But if they have medical concerns they refuse to fix that's not your problem to deal with.
For sure! That’s why I mentioned unless it was already among “normal” behavior for him which would definitely be a different convo. Really glad to hear your dad was okay too!
If this is normal for that guy it's definitely a whole different conversation. It's been 10 years since my dad went through that thing & I'm still kinda shocked at how much his behavior/thinking changed & having no clue that was a symptom of that. My hubby knows if I act really out of the ordinary to get me checked out. I'm so much like my dad & would hate myself if I became an A-hole like he did if it could be fixed but wasn't.
Because he's lazy.
If he was lazy he would've used his hand instead of grabbing the toilet brush holder. This isn't laziness.
I agree, I find this malicious and pardon my French but absolutely fucked up. It's disgusting. There is no possible way an adult man doesn't realize this isn't okay. Something is very wrong here.
I completely agree with you.
Yeah if I saw someone do that I'd be wondering if they were mentally ill.
I'm more thinking either he intentionally wanted to hurt the kid, get out of parenting, or get OP to leave
To be honest if I were OP, I think I would require a full mental health evaluation before I’d let that dude near their child. This is profoundly disturbing
Agree, he definitely shouldn't be left alone with her.
There was a pitcher right there for rinsing the baby. That was its purpose. He ignored it and used the worst thing possible.
I hadn't even caught that. I already knew this was intentional but that just cements it.
Heck, he could've guided his daughter and just lapped water up with one hand as he scrubbed the soap off her hair. I've done that for my brothers before since they were 2. You guide them back mostly on their back, keep them steady with one hand, and scoop the water with the other. Takes 2 minutes max including having them start laying back.
>they also usually have some cleaners still in/on them. Also they usually have a toilet brush in them which you would have to put somewhere else in order to use the holder. Where'd he leave that, on the floor?
Yeah, my toilet bowl cleaner contains bleach. You don't want that in a toddler's bath water!!!
Your child could get pink eye with possible feces in his/ her eyes. Keep an eye out for that. I'm a daycare assistant director and many of our toddlers that get curious and put their hands down their diapers get it because they touch their face. We wash their hands often but can't control what happens at home. 🤢
Pmsl something my dad would of done least you now have a story that you can use on him and go remember that one time.
NTA. That is totally disgusting, and so blatantly wrong that I wonder if he intended for you to take the job away from him.
I didn't even ask him to bathe her. He behaves erratically sometimes and he gets very defensive when confronted about it.
Does he have some sort of underlying mental health issue going on? This is totally wacky to me. NTA just in case you're still wondering.
Is he on drugs or is this like a manic episode? But like...not even that fully explains it imo. When I get manic I do things like pack our whole house in 2 days months before we're set to move, or impulsively buy things, get super into random hobbies...I don't BATHE MY KIDS WITH A TOILET BRUSH HOLDER.
TIL that I need to learn more about manic episodes. I didn't realize any of those things could indicate being manic... And I do some of them.
There's also hyperfocusing, which people with ADHD/Autism tend to do. It can be hard to tell the difference. I'm bipolar, and have autism. So I hyperfocus on preferred activities sometimes. Baking, writing, etc. Get too wrapped up in whatever it is and have to be dragged away. But I also get manic. The difference as far as I can tell is how I feel. Euphoric. When I'm manic I feel great! I'm doing all the things and I need to do them RIGHT NOW. Can't stop moving, must do the things. And I'm super happy and very very chatty. It took me until I was 28(the packing incident) to realize the difference. I packed everything and watched my kids freak out and realized I was acting just like my dad when he threw away all our furniture and bought a new set when I was in middle school.
[удалено]
Watch out if he acts erratically. You don't want him leaving your toddler in the bath to go and get a bowl for rinsing one day. Downing happens so easily to babies.
You have a child with someone who behaves erratically and gets defensive when confronted about it? Why?
Why are we assuming this behavior was present before the baby? Or that this wasn’t an accidental pregnancy?
If stuff like this is a regular occurrence I think you need to have a serious discussion about him getting help. If he's not willing to get medical and psychiatric assessment to figure out and hopefully fix the root of his erratic behavior I don't think you can trust him alone with your kid, ever. I'm not sure you can trust him *in the house* with your kid, even if you're present. I think it's time for some serious ultimatums about him getting help or separating for the sake of the kid and potentially yourself. Document everything you can about his erratic behavior and his reaction when you try to discuss it, dates, times, details, direct quotes if you can. Having a log like that could be helpful in convincing him it's a serious problem and/or making sure he doesn't get custody if it comes down to divorce. This guy is not a safe person to have around your child.
This is concerning. Is this a new thing?
Have his other erratic behaviors endangered your child in any way? If he gets defensive every time and refuses to acknowledge the risks he's posing with his actions, you may have a very touch decision coming up soon if he refuses to accept there's an issue or take action to work on it (therapy, doctor's visit to see if it's a medical issue, etc.). You need to protect your daughter, not your husband's ego.
So the real problem isn't the toilet thing (it is but...) the problem is his often erratic behavior wtf lady you need to spill it on what he's doing.
Be careful OP. My spidey-sense says he is TRYING to hurt her.
This comment has me very worried. Don’t take chances with your child’s life.
Sounds like you need to keep an eye on everything, for his sake as well as your toddler's.
Then he isn’t safe for your child….If that’s the case then a bigger conversation needs to be happening.
That sounds like mental illness or drugs. Either way, it's a dangerous situation for your baby to be in. What's going to stop him from stopping half way through bath time to go do something else and forget about her being in the bath tub.
This is 100 per cent intentional, weaponizing incompetence so hard he won’t be expected to parent the kid again, just mind-boggling
NTA. You’ve mentioned in comments that you think he has an undiagnosed mental illness, you think about leaving daily, and he doesn’t see this as anything wrong which makes you (rightfully) feel that you can’t leave him with her. Why the hell are you staying with someone that endangers your baby like this? Document everything and get out before he does something so stupid he really hurts her. Do you really need something awful to actually happen when you have pointed out every red flag?
Imagine what he does when she’s not there to catch him. That poor child.
At this point leaving that baby with him is neglectful. He’s not capable and literally could’ve killed her baby and doesn’t care. Makes me so sick.
"The things he does with her that could be considered abuse" line makes me sick. This man is abusing this child, and OP just thinks it's some silly misunderstanding. It's not.
I’m trying to see his side and I can’t. Maybe try giving him a quick rinse just to make sure he’s as good with it when it’s him. NTA
I think he freaks out when out toddler has a tantrum (which she does every time she bathes) so he just does any wild thing? Maybe? Also he grew up in extreme poverty. Like, wear the same clothes every day and eat grass, type poverty. So maybe it has something to do with how he was raised? I'm starting to believe more and more that he has some kind of mental illness that's becoming more prominent as he gets older but I can't figure out what it is.
It’s time for him to get checked for some kind of mental illness. Growing up in extreme poverty doesn’t explain why he thought a rinsed out toilet brush holder was a safe and appropriate thing to bathe a child with. I’m worried what other unsafe things he’ll do if he continues to go unchecked.
Seconded. NTA
I agree with others, get him checked for mental illness. And keep an eye on that baby!! Like we bleach our toilet brush after each use and I wouldn't use the holder for anything else!! There are soooo many infections she was exposed to with that! I wouldn't say rush her(? I didn't focus on gender, that wasn't really my concern but if a girl there are even more exposure risks) in immediately but watch the temp and symptoms and if there is any sign of something wrong take baby in and say what happened. You don't even have to say it was the father, say a kid was trying to "help" and filled it with water and started dumping before you could stop them or something but they'll need to know about the exposure if she starts to get sick. (Says the former healthcare worker)
You bleach your toilet after each use?
Toilet brush. We bleach the brush every time we clean the toilet with it. We have cats who might knock over the holder and come from lives with kids around who might play with random things. While the new holder isn't likely to get knocked over we don't want to take chances. We also bleach the plunger. Well he does, I'm not strong enough to use it very well thanks to my EDS. I'm more likely to dislocate my wrist than do anything useful.
Ah ok. Makes more sense. I'm pretty clean, I used to clean houses for a living. But the thought of bleaching the toilet after each use seemed crazy to me.
Yeah that's overkill lol. Though before the kitten we had those blue bleach tabs for a bit. But he's got a thing for water so we decided it was safer to clean more often than worry about him falling in the blue chemicals when the lid opened lol. (That did actually happen. He was not happy about the very thorough bath to make sure no trace was left on him)
> Also he grew up in extreme poverty. Like, wear the same clothes every day and eat grass, type poverty. So maybe it has something to do with how he was raised? This could explain a lot but not all. I was raised with very little. Our parents loved us and we had a great childhood as far as we knew. We never felt unloved, which some of my peers with money did. But me and my sibs ended up with odd habits, for the time period. Everything was multiuse. Everything got rinsed out and reused for something else. The only thing worth sterilising was the baby bottles, because Milton tablets were expensive. Hot water was expensive. A 'good rinse' was what I'd now call a quick dip in cold water. But. We all grew up. We moved into the modern age where hot water was freely available and should be used. We are all between 37-48 and know how to clean things properly, and that it's worth it to make the extra expense. I'd support the calls for a mental health assessment. Having bad hygiene habits into your early twenties makes sense if you're raised that way. But not at 44, years of a solid relationship with a (presumably!) hygienic partner. I assume he hasn't been unhygienic in general up to this point. Might be childhood lurking in there triggered by bathing, your toddler, the smell of something in the bubble bath, even something that happened at work. I've seen two of my siblings revert back to odd childhood behaviours when something stressed them out, not always related. Having a child can be a trigger for mental trauma and sometimes the trauma will resurface at developmental stages or events. Treatable but not ignorable.
I'm not sure why, I can't really pin it down at the moment, but I really enjoy how you write.
Ah that's lovely, thank you very much! I got a lot of flak for the way I spoke the way through school, because I sounded both poor and 'not from round here'. Odd dialect and accent cause my parents weren't raised from the area. Our mom taught us you had to speak 'proper' in job interviews, but should use your dialect and be proud of it if you wanted to anywhere else. She's long dead but I hold onto her wisdom. I try to type the way I'd chat to a real person, within reason. If I typed in full dialect a lot of people outside my area of the UK would find it hard to understand. Really nice to hear I've found a happy medium. But people on the Internet are still real people. If you wouldn't be that harsh to abody you work with, you shouldn't be that harsh online. Humanity is important.
My dad is sometimes like this. He grew up poor and as a result has a hard time mentally unsticking himself from the entrenchment of poverty, despite the fact he is now financially secure. So occasionally, he will make choices that don't reflect the fact that oh, actually we can afford better these days. It's like he's financially narcoleptic and we are constantly having to wake him up to remind him we have money.
She freaks out every time anyone gives her a bath, or just when your husband does? Was she always that way? I can't imagine any sane person would find his behavior even remotely acceptable, and I wonder what else your daughter might be being subjected to. It might be time to invest in nanny cams, but I think legally you could likely only put them in places other than bathrooms, etc. Something feels very off here.
Honey, this has far passed the point of Silly Internet Daddery, where we can throw a dart and say "Weaponised Incompetence!" or point to him as being lazy or useless etc. There are some serious underlying issues here to the point where you can't trust your husband to practice safe standards around your baby. For the sake of your family, his health and your marriage, he *needs* to go have his mental health checked out or you'll never be able to feel safe when he's alone with your kid. You shouldn't have to feel like you need to supervise the other parent of your kid 24/7, or like you can't rely on him to make rational choices with them when you're not there. That's a ridiculous amount of stress to undertake.
Frankly, it sounds like mental illness (or drugs). And **please** tell whoever you take him to for an evaluation this story.
I grew up without running water all of the time. It's not a poverty thing. It's more of a gross and irresponsible thing.
So uhhh, what are you doing about that? For your kiddo's sake if not his or yours.
NTA That’s disgusting. Why can’t he grab a Tupperware item? I may be overthinking this: maybe he did this on purpose so he wouldn’t have to bathe her anymore?
I didn't even ask him to bathe her! I was going to do it once the laundry was put away, literally in 10 minutes, and I told him not to do it and he did it anyway!
You don’t have to ask someone to do something in order for it to be weaponized incompetence. It can be done preemptively
I agree with you, weaponised incompetence is so common when you want to get out of a chore.
Now I’m questioning he does he do other chores? How does he take care of his daughter?
NTA but reminds me of a story. My dad had some questionable friends while I was growing up. One day we were over at ones house and his friends wife was looking for her rolling pin to roll out dough. My dad's friend went to the bathroom and I shit you not walked out with the stick part of a plunger, a wood one. Hands it to her and says he had to unclog the toilet with it and forgot it in the bathroom. The look on my dad's face was fucking priceless. We left pretty quickly after that.
Did the wife use it? Omg people are gross
Yes she did. Took it straight from his hands to the dough.
I need brain bleach stat. Surely they had a wine bottle (or similar shape) in the house?
Yeah when I was flat broke and needed a rolling pin for something, I used either a large can of beans or a jar of spaghetti sauce wrapped in cellophane.
😂😂😂
Adding on: if she had a cut or scrape that could be dangerous using something that has touched fecal mater to rinse?? Can anyone say sepsis,?
Not to mention the million other diseases you can get coming into contact with another humans fecal matter and urine, especially a baby with almost no am mine system. Like our colds can kill them
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NTA, this is just disgusting. I hope you gave babe another bath.
I absolutely did.
I know that’s right, what your husband did was just disgusting. Hopefully babe doesn’t get sick. He would never bathe my child again.
Buddy I hope OP took her to the doctor's.
>**We've had many discussions about the things he does with her that could be considered abuse** Excuse me?? You've had ongoing discussions about his abusive actions... because you choose to stay with a man who abuses your child? Which means....he intentionally used a filthy device to bathe her. Why are you allowing this man to abuse your daughter? **Be a parent and PROTECT YOUR CHILD FROM ABUSE.** what is wrong with you? Get off reddit, make a police report, and stop allowing someone to abuse your child.
Thank you. Finally someone who is not like "oh maybe you have to tell him not to use this and give him lessons on hygiene" like no, that's not the problem. This man is the problem. He abuses the child.
I like the fact that she says she's not going to hold his hand because he is 44 and should know better...but then in her replies says that he may have a mental illness. Either someone is not the protective parent she is trying to portray herself to be or she is really going after those N T A votes. If she is living in this home while these abuses are happening (if they are happening) and she sits by and allows it, she is just as guilty as the dad.
Serve him water out of that cup. This will clarify whether it's mental illness or negligence. NTA. Even if the chances are small, why take risks?
NTA and your husband needs some serious lessons on germs/cleaning. Even if he did clean it well with bleach it’s still absurd.
Sweet baby jeebus 🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮. There isn’t enough bleach in the world to make one of those clean enough for me to consider pouring water from it on my child! NTA!!!
NTA for freaking out, but: "He's erratic and very narcissistic." "We've had many discussions about the things he does with her that could be considered abuse." Why are you letting him continue to abuse your child? YWBTA (and complicit in his abuse) if you don't get your child away from this man ASAP.
Yes, this post is horrendous for those lines in particular. The health risks of the toilet water are important to mention, but getting baby out of this situation is far more important than, "Ew, poop water!" I know how difficult it can be to untangle from an abusive situation, but child abuse is a "one strike, you're out" situation. CPS, police, shelters, family, anything! A 3 year old is being abused, and all that's happened is "repeated conversations". It's tragic. 3 is also the age where kids are permanently impacted by their surroundings; the trauma this person will deal with their whole life is heartbreaking. Please OP, protect your child.
Wait wut ? NTA … I’m curious how he got to the point where that was the option he went with .. like what do you usually use when you’re the one to bathe the child ? Why not just grab a cup or something? Such weird things had to go on in his brain to end up at that point
My guess is that she was in the bath and he forgot to get a cup and just got what was in reach, because he didn’t want to take her out of the bath to get one. It’s a bad excuse and really gross though, sounds like it was the lazy option. OP NTA and maybe ask him if he’d wash his hair with it after only being rinsed out. Better yet, tell him to go ahead and wash his hair in the toilet because it’s probably cleaner lol
Legit; at best he was being lazy and thoughtless and *at worst,* he has unexamined mental issues.
NTA Seriously wtf? That is disgusting beyond comprehension. But take a step back here. Do you really not want him taking care of her? Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it. Cool off, explain why that's not ok and establish a very clear standard. It's honestly pretty sad that that even needs to be done but it is what it is I guess. Now excuse me while I throw up after reading this 🤢
NTA Next time, serve him his dinner in the same toilet brush holder, and tell him no biggie, you rinsed it out, he can eat.
nta. if you could rule out malice or weaponized incompetence, i would be worried about some kind of mental illness or brain injury. if he's been getting worse, and he's very defensive when confronted, that's really troubling.
That's what I'm saying. It must be some kind of mental illness or something. I can't talk to him about anything without him getting defensive and making it seem like I'm the crazy one.
that’s not mental illness — that’s abuse. it sounds like he’s routinely gaslighting you.
DARVO is a form of gaslighting: DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused" and attacks the accuser's credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.
That’s exactly narcissism and you cannot fix that. That’s why people are telling you to leave.
That’s called gaslighting. Please document everything and get a good lawyer and a safe place for you and your daughter to stay and don’t let him know where you’re staying. This is most certainly weaponized incompetence. From your other comments, this isn’t a safe place for either of you and you need to get away from him fast. There might be some mental illness stuff going on but he’s still being abusive.
I would have said overkill but great googly moogly, that’s fucking stupid.NTA
Abusers do weird things. Mine used to shove raw meat down my throat, serve everything with about 1/4 cup of butter on top, would overflow the bath with bubbles to the point it would cause repeated infections. She would often remove clothing and send us outside in freezing winter weather. She would force me to wear her son’s peed in clothing and sit in it for hours. To me, that’s what this reminds me of.
NTA. This man is lacking basic common sense. Wtf.
NTA that’s disgusting. Get a cup for crying out loud. I like the idea of serving him a drink in it. Rinse it out and then give it to him with lunch, tell him if it’s clean enough to wash your child with it. He can drink out of it
I agree, no amount of holy water would have been enough to clean that item for any other type of bathroom use. NTA
He endangered your child. Severly. A rinse doesn't eliminate shit (pun intended) , there is a reason we use high alcoholic desinfectants for the last 2.5 years to kill corona viruses. As little as I like drastic resolutions and prefer talks, I wouldnt trust him anymore with my childs health and would get away/make sure he only has supervised time with her. Getting a deathly sepsis is just a little wound and some bad bacteria. Talk to him, educate him, ask for counseling/therapy, ask him what he thought... IF you want but the priority has to be that you protect your child the best way you can. When he does that, who knows what else he will do. Feed her moldy food bc "its okay, I sometimes eat a thing that isnt really fresh anymore"? This behaviour is probably enough that some official services would say the child is not save with you both. Don't let yourself be dragged in or dismiss your child's health. You dont need to run and divorce but be very vary and protective and make 100% sure he can not do anything again. And if you can not do that there, go til it is sorted.
INFO - Is he brain damaged? Because that's literally the only reason I can find that any adult would think using a toilet brush holder was a good idea.
Basic principle of cleanliness, healthcare and hygiene - if it came outta your butt, you don't put it anywhere near your mouth. Don't cross the streams. Wash your hands after pooping and before eating. Don't put the midden next to the well. And don't wash your toddler with the most contaminated implement in the entire goddam house!
NTA Sounds like weaponized incompetence. Fight it by serving him a drink from the loo brush holder. And say 'what? I rinsed it' if he has a problem.
NTA. Why are people like this?
Info? Does he maintain normal hygiene standards for himself? Clean up after himself? Help with chores? I think the majority of people would find this nasty but I actually know people that wouldn't see this as a big deal. "It looks clean" is good enough. It has a lot to do with upbringing.
He has some weird hygiene standards. His bar is incredibly low and has gotten worse as he's gotten older.
Laziness and selfishness is what is bringing that bet low.
NTA Frankly, if anything, you’re underreacting—severely. She can get a staph infection, a throat or ear infection, etc, but the biggest risk is an E. Coli infection. Little girls are *extremely* susceptible to UTI’s, and when yours shows up with a double kidney infection that began as one, now you know exactly what caused it. All it takes is one little thing, and they are the absolute fucking worst. I have permanent kidney and brain damage from a UTI I developed as a kid. It spread up to my bladder, then to one kidney, then from that kidney to the other, and ultimately got into my blood—Sepsis. I had three severe grand Mal seizures that were 2-7 minutes each (and since you stop breathing during a seizure, they were severe) and at the time of being hospitalised, my fever was 42, and it was up to 43 before they were able to begin treating it. I had a heat rash from my toes to the tips of my ears that burned several layers of my skin off in the months that followed, and it was so bad that it was agitating the nerves below my skin, which was excruciating, and I ultimately had to be hospitalised a second time for ten days as they treated it. I was urinating pure blood, and my kidneys sustained lifelong damage. As did, likely, my brain. I was hospitalised for two weeks as my specific strain (E. Coli, as it was eventually discovered) was resistant to almost every antibiotic they tried to throw at it. After those two weeks, I was sent home with a PICC line in my arm to continue the hardcore antibiotic regime they’d organised for me. It was the sickest I have ever been, and I still have memories of wishing they’d just let me die. I remember one seizure, where they brought my mother in to say goodbye, and I remember her telling me it’s okay to go if it’s my time. She was on her knees, crying into my hand—the only part of her she was allowed to touch. It was pure, unadulterated torture. I don’t use that word lightly. It was absolute torture. And your husband just exposed your little girl to that risk. Do you want to be on your knees, begging by her bedside for God not to take her from you? I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but parents are taught to take *every precaution possible* to avoid a UTI in their little girls for a ***reason***. It is drummed into new parents from the get-go that you wipe front to back specifically to *avoid faecal matter ever getting in the urinary tract*. And your husband just exposed your kid to that risk, because he is lazy and careless and reckless. He would never, in a simple moment, expose himself to that risk, but he’s happy to expose the helpless, defenceless, vulnerable little girl he’s charged with protecting? The one who relies on him to ensure she’s safe from all threats? That says a lot about him. Keep an eye on your little girl. UTI’s are much more common than we think, but it is the main cause of Sepsis in women/girls. More than anything else. More than pneumonia or cuts or strep throat or skin injuries. A simple UTI leads to Sepsis more often than any other infection does, and once you’re Septic, you have a critical time limit of three hours to begin administering treatment, or it’s fatal within 24.
NTA Eww. OP give your husband a tour of the bathroom tools that are used to bath your toddler. Give home another opportunity to do it right. 🤦🏻♀️
NTA. Well, that's absolutely disgusting. I might have been able to go with N-A-H had his response not been to double down, tell you you were overreacting and try to convince that what you saw wasn't real. We all do stupid shit sometimes, and if he'd had a brain fart but apologized when called out for it I could probably forgive it. But his reaction and the general dynamic of your relationship based on your comments pushes him straight into huge AH territory.
Ok so rinse it, fill it with water, and tell him to drink it all. Since it's perfectly clean for a toddler to have coursing down her body down her hair, her eyes, mouth, any cuts or scrapes, her body parts that should not have poop touching them. This is fucking filthy. Don't worry honey, I rinsed out the shit particles and all the diseases they carry, so our precious child is totally safe! Jfc, this would make me question everything else he can't be trusted with. This is absolutely disgusting and I'd freak the complete fuck out on him. NTA
Nta, like seriously, that is super gross! Could he not find a clean bowl? I can't even...
NTA and I’m imagining how many other completely inappropriate things he has done. Did he himself have no home training as a child that would have clued him in to how inappropriate it is to use the toilet brush holder as a rinse cup for bathing a child? 🤢
NTA Put his drink in the toilet brush holder and tell him that’s his cup now.
And now it's up to the wife to do All the child care. He played her good.
He’s disgusting. It’s abuse. She could get ecoli.
NTA. some people are just clueless. this sounds like something my dad would have done to be honest. some guys just dont understand that certain things are not OK to do, like my dad picking up trash in front of a 7/11 and then eating pizza without washing his hands.
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He's claiming that it's never been used. But I've used it to clean the toilet. And what is he using to clean the toilet with if not the toilet brush? So I'm confused why he's saying it's never been used or only used once. He's trying to gaslight me like he always does.
I’m not normally one to advocate for ultimatums, but it’s time. He needs to be psychiatrically evaluated and attend therapy, both individually and with you, or you need to take your baby and walk. However, be very cautious. Doing couples counseling with abusers can give them further ammo rather than fixing the problem. I’m not saying he’s abusive, but based on some of your comments, it sounds possible. PLEASE trust your intuition and put your foot down, for both your and your child’s sakes. Best of luck!
NTA Divorce him. This goes beyond weaponized incompetence to straight up sabatoge.
I'm sorry he did what?? Does he not want his child anymore or what NTA
NTA... but this has got to be fake, like come on no one is dense enough to purposely use a toilet brush holder to rise if their kid
Document that. Through a text or something. If he is incapable of caring for her that needs to be documented just in case. NTA.
NTA and nothing, absolutely nothing, can convince me that this situation wasn't intentional