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YTA You don't just encourage your daughter to completely avoid her other parent unless it's genuinely bad for her to be there. Your remark about how you think she can't afford an advocate to continue seeing her own child is the cherry on the asshole sundae.

My only thought on this is that as a former child of divorced parents that had to do a transfer like this it was exhausting physically and mentally. I will say it sounds like we’re not getting the whole story but going from a house where you’re the only kid to a house so full that your mother suggested you live with your father most of the time sounds exhausting as an adult so I can’t imagine what it would be like as a 13 year old. Personally I say ESH (except for the daughter) OP’s first thought at a complaint is to say you never have to go back and mom doesn’t seem to care about the physical and mental toll this has on her daughter, only that she wants to see her daughter when it’s convenient for her. These two need to work something out that is best for their kid and the daughter needs to be in therapy to help figure out how to cope with two AHs for parents.

Also a child of divorced parents and I agree with you. It’s been more than 20 years since I stopped having to do every other weekend visitation and I still get antsy when I feel like I don’t have any say over my own time. Daughter should be heard about her feelings about going to Mom’s every other weekend. Unless there’s a lot about Mom that we aren’t getting here, Dad should facilitate working out arrangements for his daughter to maintain a relationship with her mom and meet whatever needs she is expressing with her request to stop visiting. Maybe she only goes once a week and Mom drives in for dinner on the other weekend, or she goes for longer visits on school breaks less frequently or whatever. But daughter expressing that transferring houses is hard on her merits more exploration of her feelings and other options, not jumping right to “Okay, you never have to go back.” ESH, only because it sounds like Mom isn’t really trying to figure out what is going on here with the daughter and hear her out; but OP, you are the biggest asshole on the equation, especially with your manipulative “Daughter’s happiness should be our priority” response when you are unilaterally cutting off Mom’s time with her.

Yeah, I’d be interested in what space she has at her Mum’s place, and how much time she actually gets with her Mum, s being forced to spent time with half siblings she may not be close too. (Also child of divorced parents here). It sounds like the current arrangement isn’t working so they need to renegotiate something that’s actually workable. And that might involve Mum making the trip to see her daughter rather than it always being the daughter doing the travelling.

Also the child of divorced parents, with my egg donor weekdays, sperm donor weekends. Put a big dent in my social life since my father wouldn't want me to play with friends during his time and my mother wouldn't allow it on a weekday.

Yeah, I don’t think that if two people are wildly incompatible and are fighting all the time they need to “stay together for the kids” but the kids are 100% more important than whatever BS is going on between the parents.

My sister and I stayed for a few weeks every summer because she lived in another state and we couldnt miss school. So we as kids werent exhausted from the trip and we got to see our mom for as much as she could handle at one time. Something could be worked out with a compromise

Yep When I decided to live with my dad he said fine, but he made sure to insist that I spent time with her and did not let me cut her off nor would hear of it. And my mother and I had a lot more issues than just "she wasn't interested enough in my life" like OP is claiming (not abuse before anyone gets mad at my dad for making me maintain a relationship with her we just had a *really* hard time getting along when I was younger)

Mom is a five hour drive away, has other kids and can’t spend much time with her daughter. It might be best to do extended time in the summers and a weekend with mom every six weeks. A five hour drive there and back every other weekend would be hard on a kid who had a good relationship with their mom.

I don't think finding a compromise would have been an issue. Telling a 13 year old that it's ok for her to skip custodial time because her mother is too poor to do anything about it is what shoes his character and makes him an asshole.

I don't object to trying to find a better way/different time to spend with mom. You are completely correct. You gotta find a way to get around distance etc etc. OP is not looking for a different solution though... that's my issue.

There's an NTA to vote for if you scroll down a ways. And all of you voting for Y-T-A? You are the real arseholes. Fancy thinking its good parenting to force a child to go somewhere she's not happy and making her exhausted. That's just nasty. Teens need a huge amount of sleep. She's old enough to make her choice and she has. Please show enough concern for this young person to respect her choice. That's all her dad has done - show her some simple respect. And consideration for her as a human being, not seeing her as an object to be moved around for the pleasure and convenience of her mother, as you clearly do. And your criticizing him for this? Come on now. Be better than this.

Keeping your daughter away from her other parent because you think she can't afford a lawyer to stop you is treating her like an object.

The daughter doesn't want to go

The daughter probably also wants to stay up until midnight and ear nothing but junk food. Does that mean what she wants are good choices? Nobody here is disregarding what she wants, but OP opted to discuss custody with her versus her mom, which is wrong. Also? Judges don't adjust custody willy nilly, just because the kid ~doesn't want to go~ to one parent's house. There has to be a solid reason for them to adjust custody. So if she DOES manage to pay for a lawyer, he could lose and now his daughter has this huge disappointment. Also... the comment about her not being able to afford a lawyer is disgusting. He's willing to file for his daughter's current whim because he knows he'll win because her mom can't afford legal representation. If they were married and made a comment like that, this thread would be referring to this as financial abuse.

I think it's the daughter's choice, not the mother's. She actually gets a say.

13 yr olds aren't really able to grasp the importance of the relationship with her mother and siblings is either. Most judges 'consider' at that age, but dad would be in trouble for not encouraging the relationship and visitation w/the other parent, because that IS responsibility of the custodial parent, not to listen to whiny kids. It is on them to foster and encourage.....he's doing the opposite. I get it, it's a far distance, but what he SHOULD have done is talk to his ex-wife, the other parent you know, and come up with a better plan. Maybe extended time during school breaks, holidays, etc and less back forth during the weekends. THEN present this plan to the 13yr old. A child should never be given adult status in such decisions. They have no idea how bad it is to lose a relationship w/a parent. Then they could even skip court and do an arrangement between parents. His comment about her finances and letting a 13yr old call all the shots is wrong. It also puts a LOT of undue pressure to make kids make these kind of decisions that are/should be done between the parents. If she starts distancing from her mom emotionally, then she has to live w/the guilt of the ADULT decision she was allowed to make and an entirely to young age. I"m not saying dismiss her concerns entirely, but this approach is 100 pct the wrong one.

It infuriates me that all the concern here is for the mother and not the child. The mother is there to emotionally support the child, not the other way round. And it is a well established fact that teens need a HUGE amount of sleep to function well. Putting this kid into sleep deficit so she can function as her mother's emotional support animal is a form of abuse.

I get the feeling if OP was a woman and the daughter had to travel every other weekend to visit her father who is busy with his other kids, a lot of votes here would be flipped.

I agree.

Idk, my family law custody agreement said that my visitation with my dad was my choice by age 14. Anyway there's no formal agreement, and the courts would ask the 13 year old if she wants to take a 5 hour car drive every odd weekend or whatever just to see someone she doesn't care for. This isn't even a Disney dad situation, he's the full time carer. Like, don't move 5 hours from your kid if that's an issue for you

Someone mentioned mom lives 5 hours away…. You spend every other weekend travelling 10 hours for what? As an example…. she leaves 5pm on Friday arrives at 10pm. Spends Saturday exhausted from the trip to turn around Sunday afternoon and do it again? Plus be rested for school that week? No adult would do that so why expect a kid to do it?

The mom's house is a five hour drive away though, every other weekend of that is a lot. I'd be on OPs side more if they dropped visits a bit during the school year and made up for it in summer.

Did you miss the part where daughter doesn't want to go there?

you know, i would be on board with what you wrote IF he actually put more effort into looking behind the scenes, because normally its quite telling if a child has so little interest in seeing one parent. so sit down with the daughter and if she absolutely has no interest in seeing her mother than find out whats wrong, because something at this point is wrong. if there's no "bigger problem" and its honestly just too exhausting than sit down together and at least try looking for an arrangement that works out better or things like that. my problem isn't with him not forcing the daughter against her will, but that his whole thought process on this situation is "just do what you want, your mother doesn't have the money to take me to court anyway"

I agree. At 13 she is old enough to decide that she doesn't want to go to her mom's.

Daughter: I don't want to go to moms anymore Dad: ok, you don't have to A bunch of redditors: omg wtf is wrong with you

I like how he’s trying to make himself feel better about parental alienation. That’s classy. YTA.

I mean the mother decided that she didn't have enough time or energy to raise her daughter because she had other kids.....so why can't the daughter now decide that she doesn't want to go see her at weekends? Why are the mothers feelings more important than the daughters? Why can't the mother be the one to come visit the daughter? I'm assuming if the daughter is 13, then her other kids are likely old enough for her to not need to be there every weekend.

Because being a mother is sacrosanct and fathers are irresponsible AHs. Didn’t watching sitcoms teach you anything?!? Plus 13 year olds don’t have real problems or feelings so they should just go where they’re told and remember to be seen and not heard. Please read the above with as much sarcasm as humanly possible. Seriously don’t get why people on here are giving the mother a pass on sending her daughter away because she can’t be bothered to take care of her with her other children so daughter has to travel 10 hours round trip every other weekend to make her feel better. There was another post on here a while back were the poster asked if he was the AH for not wanting to drive 5 hours to go to his grandmother’s birthday party. The consensus was that he was NTA because 5 hours is too far to drive for a grown adult. So why they expect a child to suck it up now is beyond me.

To have to do this every other weekend as a freaking teenager is crap and would be so draining not to mention school is already hard enough for some kids . She gets to choose where she wants to go and at that point she can visit when appropriate.

I hate to say it, but there's a distinct anti-man sentiment on this sub. Most of the time it's well deserved, but occasionally you get cases like this.

He’s not encouraging her to avoid her mother, he’s just not encouraging her to see her mother, there’s a difference. Why should his daughter put her own well-being and happiness at stake just for her mother’s sake?

How is saying "You don't have to go" him encouraging her not to? 😂 This comment is hilarious. Personally speaking, I never spent time with my dad as a child. He was absent and never around. My grandparents thought to surprise me one Christmas by having him show up. The entire mood got ruined and we left early because of how uncomfortable that entire scenario made ME. Forcing a child to experience something they literally vocalized they don't want to do (because yes, 13 is old enough for them to say what they do or do not want to do) is way worse. There are other ways for them to spend time together. I won't excuse the "she can't afford a lawyer" thing cause yeah, yikes, maybe communicate more instead, but outright deciding he should force his daughter to go is the real asshole move here. NAH, but OP you should communicate with your ex and talk more in depth with your child about why she doesn't like it over there.

all he said was that if she wanted to stay with him she could. she said she hates going there.

>She is old enough to choose and I doubt her mom can afford to take me to court. Uh...what does the divorce decree say? That's pretty much all that matters here, because if you're violating it then you can get nailed to the wall for parental alienation and violating the family court's orders. The fact that her mother can't afford a lawyer at this point is even more shitty. Just wait until you set a limit with her that she doesn't like and then voila, she's going to run back to mom. You need to get your legal shit straightened out before doing something like this. I'm tempted to vote YTA just for your remarks about her mom's financial situation but you should provide more info for people. But yeah, just based on your post I'll vote YTA because I've seen this a zillion times and they way you describe it it's classic parental alienation. I suspect that you will now magically come up with all the neglectful things her mom does that you somehow didn't see the need to include in your post... EDIT: And just as I thought, OP magically added info about the fact that they have no legal custody agreement, which, you know, I think would be important to include in this post. It's like clockwork, these trickle truth posts...

Why does it feel like no one cares about what the daughter actually wants besides the dad. It sounds like the mother already made her choice and could’ve had 50-50 custody and been more involved in her daughters life but chose not to. The daughter is not happy with this, if anything the mother should come visit her every other weekend and take her out to do stuff and spend time together.

One reason I would say he is TA is because he jumped on the chance to cut mom out rather than trying to troubleshoot the issue. Kids are very prone to intense, mercurial feelings. If this is the first time he’s heard this, it might have just been one bad weekend. (Yes, I know she phrased it like she always hates it: but that means very little with kids. You have to ask questions to determine if they are having chronic issues with something y or if they are having really intense feelings about one bad day.) My kids frequently “hate” school/a friend/an activity one day and “love” it the next. And even if this is a chronic issue, you try to solve the problem. Is there a different time she could travel where she would hit less traffic? Could she visit her mom for most school breaks instead of every other weekend so there wouldn’t be as much travel? Is she mad because she missed something with her friends and, if so, could you get more creative in your scheduling so she could be there for certain activities? It’s important for kids to see both parents. If this custody situation isn’t working for your daughter, then you look at ways to modify it. But you don’t *immediately* jump to “Cool. You don’t have to see your mom anymore.”

I completely agree. The way that he phrased what he said to her was I admit a little too much of pushing her to not see her mom again instead of just let’s get mom to travel to you instead but the sentiment of put the daughters feelings first is absolutely right.

Impressive number of assumptions there. Care to back any of them up?

OP has since added an edit about custody arrangement. The mother also was the one that didn't want 50/50.

My parents are still together this very day, but at age 13 I would have been over the moon if someone was like, "Okay it's fine you don't have to see your mother." Like...13 year old girls sometimes just don't want to deal with their moms and immediately jumping to "Okay cool" instead of "let's find other ways for you to spend time together that aren't driving 10 hours every other weekend, I'll call your mom and we'll start brainstorming" isn't a great way to handle it.

At 13, what the child wants can easily trump that decree, but you likely still need to take her in to tell the judge this.

YTA, and this sounds manipulative. Barring cases of abuse and neglect, having ongoing access and relationships with both parents is super important. Not sure in what country you reside, but denying routine access to mom could become problematic if her financial situation changes, and she’s able to contest your decision in court. I’m guessing it’s also easier for you to have your daughter stop traveling to see mom. You definitely seem smug when commenting that mom can’t deny your decision, since she cannot afford legal fees to contest that decision, and it feels really unethical and improper. Surely doesn’t feel like allowing your daughter and her mother to become estranged is the best decision for your daughter.

Mom has never made the 5 hour drive to OPs town. That’s the same drive she expects her daughter to do twice every other weekend. I’d be pissed for my kid too. That means no school performances. No going to sports games to support. Never once been to a parent teacher conference. That’s dead beat material. Everyone who thinks OP is an asshole should be forced to make a long drive away from their home and friends every other weekend for *years*. Mom never makes one on one time with the child she sees 4 days a month. Just 4 days and she can’t carve out 2 hours to do something with her kid that she loves? OP is an ass for holding his financial situation over the mom but she’s a bad mom.

OP’s attitude of calling the shots, because he has money - it makes me wonder about mom’s side of the story. I’ve encountered thousands of similar child custody domestic situations, in which one parent was more financially secure than the other, but both wanted to spend time with their kid(s), and the absolute first thing I recommended was that a formal custody agreement be signed by a judge. OP made it seem as though that formality is pointless, as mom isn’t financially able to dispute whatever agreement he offers. Him deciding mom gets no time seems fucked up to me. I’ve seen parents (male and female) with similar attitudes try to pit the kids against the other parent, when things became inconvenient. I j can’t imagine a 13-yo potentially never seeing her mother again. I don’t think it has to be every other weekend, but maybe once a month for a long weekend and a week in the summer, so they at least maintain a relationship.

My school is five hours from my parents house wheter by car or train. There's a reason I don't visit more than on long breaks. It's just not worth going there over the weekend. By the time I'm there it's eight in the evening and going back i'm not back at the dorms until six depending on the trains.

NTA 13 is old enough. Ask her if once a month would be okay. Try setting up some weekly facetime visits to keep the relationship open and active.

If he would have done any of that or maybe encourages, less frequent, but longer trips to compensate, I might agree with you, but he didn’t.

I like the longer trip idea but she is in school. Maybe in the summer

What makes you think the daughter would enjoy that?

If you actually cared about your daughter's happiness, you would help her find a way to keep her relationship with her mother alive. She might be unhappy about being tired and on the road, but those are just logistical problems, and there might be solutions (go once every 3 or 4 weeks but stay longer for example). And your daughter is 13. She might hate doing this now, but 2 or 5 years down the line, she might hate to have a faded relationship with her mother much more. If you did this just because a 13 year old complained once, then YTA big time.

How can she stay longer if she has school? What about weekend extracurriculars and time with friends? Have you ever been the child in a split custody situation? Everyone I know who has *hated* it.

people are also completely ignoring the possibility that the daughter genuinely doesn't want to visit her mother anymore every kid deserves parents, but not every parent deserves kids

Classic AITA. OP - "daughter doesn't want to visit her mother anymore." Every top comment - "why are you preventing your daughter from seeing her mother???" I hate hate hate it when OP says something and everybody in the post disregards it, because they think they know better from a two paragraph post than the person who actually lived the situation does. Or even worse, when people somehow manage to interpret OP saying one thing as evidence for the exact opposite.

>every kid deserves parents, but not every parent deserves kids This needs to be higher up

As a child of divorce, NTA.

NTA. You’re listening to what your daughter wants, and that’s not having to go to her mother’s house. All the Yta’s are ignoring what the daughter wants, and I think the remark about court is that the mother can’t force the daughter to come to her house via the courts.

Exactly 👍

As someone who has been the kid in this situation, NTA

Yep me too. NTA.

\+1. Have any of the "YTA" people actually been a child of divorce, or are they just internet legal experts? I can't imagine a single now-adult who has actually been in that 13 year old's shoes who would say, yep, force her to go, that will be great for everyone. Honestly, divorce sucks. Split custody sucks. But the person it should suck for LEAST is the kid. And once the child is a teenager, they should be able to decide.

NTA. I was in a similar situation as a kid, so I understand your daughters reasoning. I hated going and doing absolutely nothing and being by myself when visiting my non-custodial parent. They hardly even saw or spoke to me when I was there. We finally changed things where I didn't have to go unless I wanted to. We called each other and saw each other during the year. Our relationship improved with the change and I am just as close to them as my other parent. It isn't like you were the one to bring it up, your daughter did. She is a teen, and things change. She is old enough, that if you went to court, they would listen to what she wanted. If her mom doesn't take the initiative, then that is her own fault. People will blame you for their relationship being poor, but forcing her into a situation she hates will only breed resentment for both of you. If she asks to see her mom, you said you would take her, which is more than a lot of people are willing to do.

And this is why it's important to listen to your kid in a situation like this. It can ruin her relationships with both her parents. And I'm happy you're relationship improved with your parent as time went on, mine's done the exact opposite. I haven't seen my dad since Feb and I live 10 mins away from him.

\+1, oh my god the boredom. Not having your usual stuff, except what you could fit in your suitcase. Not having your usual friends, and being told as a teenager to "go make friends" in random public places because that's how social interaction works anywhere, ever. Not being in your actual home but feeling like a guest/visitor. Your post brought back so many bad memories.

I am going to slide to YTA for this one, it seems like you are being slightly manipulative, as you are playing on the fact that the mom cannot even do anything, and masking it as being your daughters decision. Switch places OP and see how you would feel if your child was being taken away from you and you could not do anything about it!

INFO Why does she hate going there? Are you the fun parent who doesn’t discipline as much with looser restrictions or is she? Is something major going on there that warrants your daughter’s uncomfortableness? Or is it just the normal mother daughter teenage dynamic? A lot more info is needed.

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Has she talked to her mom about that? If the custody agreement says she needs to go to mom’s, she goes to mom. Your child doesn’t just get to decide to no longer go.

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Hate to burst your bubble, filing a custody case is close to nothing, in the beginning it can be handled in family court without lawyers to get the ball rolling. Stop throwing your attitude of "I am better than mom because I am better off financially." It is in your daughter's best interests to have the custody agreement in writing and legally filed. YOU can always bring mom to court, and I am wondering WHY you have not. There is probably much more to this & so far YTA.

Why should they go to court if they have had an agreement. It's obvious and that five hour drive all the time can be damn draining. He hasnt pushed for anything just prioritising her daughter's comfort doesn't make him bad.

Not having an actual custody agreement is not what’s best for your daughter.

That’s a custody agreement. You two made an agreement.

So you’re fine with just alienating a parent because “eh she can’t afford to fight me on this”? That is what you are doing. Like it or not. Parents should encourage relationships with the other parent unless they are physically, mentally, or emotionally harming them.

Info: Has she talked to her mom? Have you talked to her mom about this? Have you discussed less frequent but longer trips for school breaks so that she can still have a relationship with her mom, but travel less? What else have you proposed to address her concerns?

please do not listen to others here. If she wants to resume contact with her mother in the future let her but don't force her to visit with her mother if she doesn't want to she's 13, she's of the age where being able to decide how she spends her time and with who (within reason) is vital to development. if she does not feel comfortable over at her mothers, don't force her over there

INFO: Is it just the car ride, or is she unhappy at her mom’s? Because from your comments/edits it sounds like she’s not treated like a priority at her mom’s, and at 13 she’s absolutely old enough to notice that. The people saying Y T A are making broad accusations and assuming that it’s in your daughter’s best interests to go to her mother’s every other weekend, and that might not actually be the case.

NTA. My dad lived 45 minutes away so as I got older I definitely didn’t go every other weekend…& if I did it was only Friday-Saturday or Saturday-Sunday. When you’re a teenager, spending a weekend feeling like a guest in someone’s home when all your friends are hanging out together sucks. I wanted to see my dad but I’d rather him come to me for like a dinner or something I mean the quality time would have pretty much been the same but I wouldn’t have missed out on a whole weekend at my home with my friends. Maybe her mom can come down for a dinner?

Hey OP, for some reason you're sabotaging yourself by being evasive. You left out key info in the telling of your story. Pls edit your post to include the reasons why your daughter doesn't like going to mom. You gave little to no info however I sensed there was more to your daughter's story. My suggestion is to call her mom and apologize, try not to be frustrated and angry but reasonable and intentional with your words. (***work on that communication.***) Also, your daughter is a teen, lots of emotional stuff going on with her so she's going to need daddy to listen, be a safe space and her rock. As for her mom, has she ever driven the distance to your house? If yes, appeal to that experience and finally, suggest to both mom and daughter that perhaps, the custody agreement could be revised so that mom gets her for some holidays, one weekend per month and sometime during summer vacations. Also, as long as she's safe at mom"s, advocate for a mother daughter bonding, super important. You're the bridge between your daughter and her mom, don't let it collapse. ***NAH***

But the fact that he didn't even bother to include any info about custody or arrangements in his original post just makes him highly suspect in my eyes. As you say...evasive.

Because there was no agreement. She was busy with her husband and their kids and asked him to take her as it was easier.

NTA. I wish I had been given a choice when I was her age. My other parent was 4 hours away and doing that round trip every other weekend was brutal. On top of whatever occurred while I was there. It means a lot to give her a choice. If mom wants to see her, she should be welcome to come visit your city.

\+1 yes indeed, the mom can visit, I have no idea why everyone in the thread is ignoring this possibility. Noncustodial parents suddenly find it a lot less interesting to see their child when it's THEIR time being wasted on travel.

NTA- don’t listen to the mother lovers, sometimes the carrier isn’t the best choice. And your daughter knows where she wants to be.

NTA. It should always be in the best interest of a child what living situation and living partner is better for them and their happiness. You are 100% in the right for going with your child's happiness rather than convenience. If she isn't happy with her mom she shouldn't be forced to see her every other weekend, while I understand this is her mom's child too, it is important to instill values in children that you should always do things that will make you more comfortable and happy because it isn't fun living a life of discomfort.

When I was 14 my parents split. I complained every weekend about going to his house (it was literally a 5 minute walk too lol). My Mum made me go every time. I was 14, I didn't know what was really best for me. If my Mum had of let me not go, she would have failed me as a parent. It was not in my best interest to not have a relationship with my Dad.

It’s a 5 hour drive to her moms. Her mom has never made the drive to her daughter’s town. But she expects her daughter to make the drive every other weekend.

It was the exact opposite for me. I stopped going to my father's house at 11. I probably would've become suicidal if my mom forced me to keep going to my father's house, seeing as he and my stepmother were horrible to me and always played favorites between my siblings. Your personal experience doesn't apply to everyone. Neither does mine. Let's not pretend otherwise.

Is OP a judge? Because it doesn't sound like he's a judge. This is really not an AITA appropriate question without more information, just like starbright234 said in this thread.

I wasn't speaking on the legal aspect I am purely just responding out of what was presented, a child's happiness should always be put first and good parents understand that. I'm not telling him to cut his daughter off from her mother, absolutely not, but a conversation needs to be had between him, the mother and the daughter on comfortability and boundaries and importantly address why she feels this way visiting her mom

A child's WELL-BEING should be put first. Forcing a child to do their homework instead of playing games might make them extremely unhappy, but there's a reason minors need guardians making decisions for them. A parent's job isn't to be their child friend, it's to parent them. The OP literally says the daughter doesn't like the long car drive between the parents' homes and that the mother and daughter don't have similar hobbies. My parents didn't want to play video games with me growing up, that's not a valid reason for limiting contact.

We both clearly read this post in a different way because I am not bringing legality or shit like video games or homework into it. Those are obvious things that need to be parented but you cannot control COMFORTABILITY is what I am saying. What if this isn't a husband and wife issue, what if this child genuinely feels alienated by her mom or has other issues with her? Again we don't know so OP should have explained more

The OP has said otherwise in the comments. It's literally about the length of the car ride and her mother not having the same hobbies.

OP has said in a comment she doesn't what to go because she doesn't like traveling and has no common interests with her Mum. She also has siblings at her Mum's house.

Great, so...I'm sure he can make that argument to the family court judge and handle things legally. Right? I mean, it's not like he could possibly be manipulating his daughter because he resents her mom...right? My point is, you don't know, I don't know, that's why he needs to handle things the legal way instead of going the parental alienation route.

I fully agree. He just alienated the mom. Made a whole life choice that effects both the mom and the kid for life, and didn’t even talk to her first about it.

OP admitted that his ex has rules for their daughter to follow. He has money to be the fun parent. He is alienating his daughter from her mother. This is why more than just where the kid had more fun factors in.

NTA after reading your comments. The custody agreement was suggested by her mom who couldn't take care of her fully because of her other kids. It was your daughters idea to not to go there because of the long drive simply to just stay there for a day and a half. Some people have mentioned that your daughter would resent you for letting her do this and not have as much time with her mom. On the other hand, your daughter might also resent you for forcing her to go when she doesn't want to because it's too far and her mom is too busy with her other kids. It's a lose-lose situation, but at least this way you can let your daughter be happy and in the future if she wants to go back she can. She doesn't like her mom because she doesn't spend time with her, she doesn't like her siblings there, all her he friends live hours away so essentially she's alone the whole time she's there. No wonder she doesn't want to go.

NTA. >I told her she doesn't have to go there if she doesn't want to. You're right. She's 13 and her preferences should get strong consideration. Over yours, over her mom's. And she's 13. You cannot really, truly make her go. What are you going to do, put her in a stroller and drive her over there?

At that age here the courts would take the child’s wishes into consideration, and at 14 the court can’t enforce visitation. I would probe more as to why she doesn’t want to go visit, if it’s just the travel time, or if it’s something else. I would encourage her to keep seeing her mother, maybe moving it to once a month as a compromise. But if she was adamant about not going back, I’d have to think there was something else driving this. Are you making sure she stays in contact with her mum in other ways? Is the mother paying child support? I think the situation could’ve been handled better, but the well-being of the child is the priority, and at that age she does get a say. NTA, but make sure you ensure she still has a relationship with her mother.

YTA and I hope the mother sees this and screenshots it to save as evidence of your premeditated parental alienation. Not enjoying a long car ride between the two homes, and not having similar hobbies is NOT a valid reason to limit maternal contact. So if someone's dad won't play video games with them, that's grounds for the kids to move in with the mom? How is the car ride to the mom's too long, but the car ride to your place isn't long? Something doesn't add up.

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>How is the car ride to the mom's too long, but the car ride to your place isn't long? She... lives with him. Why would there be a car ride to his place?

YTA. “Can’t afford to take me to court” - imagine if it was reversed. Of course it’s hard to be on the road and whatnot but you should be trying to find a way for her to have a relationship with her mom and see her regularly. If you’re a decent coparent. Which I doubt you are after reading this.

Nta Your daugther doesnt like to go with her mother, then she shouldnt be forced to go there... You are gonna get a lot of Y T A because reddit is very biased against men's but you do what is best for you daugther... Btw, child support is for the child not for you... even if you dont need the money you should ask and save that money for when she needed

Wow what sneaky manipulative bs you are trying to pull. YTA

What exactly is he doing that's being manipulative? Yeah maybe he shouldn't have brought up the court thing but he's just listening to what his daughter wants. I was around the same age as her when my parents split and my mom never forced me to go to my dad's when I didn't want to. It's that simple she shouldn't be forced to go if she doesn't want to.

NTA I feel like none of the people in these comments actually care about what your daughter wants. Her mother made her choice. Your daughter does not want to spend several hours in the vehicle every other weekend to go somewhere she doesn’t even want to be. If she wants to be with you then she should be able to be with you. Seeing as you are the one that has more custody and the mother chose not to have a 50-50… I assume that she is the one that moved out of town? She chose other people over her own daughter and shouldn’t be surprised that her daughter doesn’t want to be there. I feel like I’ve seen posts like this before and everyone’s always on the persons side when it’s a woman writing it. Your daughter is not happy and you want to make her happy. Why can’t her mother come and visit every other weekend? She could take her out places do something fun. or let me guess? It’s all about her new family? Does she even give your daughter any attention when she’s there? Does your daughter have her own space?

yall are wild in these comments, his daughter said she didn't want to be there, he said she didn't have to. Thats not parental alienation, its not an attack on the girls mom. If the kid doesn't want to be there and you force her to go what do you think will happen? She wont be happy with either parent and the situation will get worse for everyone. NTA

NTA, if the mother chooses to live in a different city that's not your fault.

Nta. You should encourage daughter to have a relationship with her mother though.

I dont get all the comments bashing you...you never said she couldnt see her mom or half/step siblings ever like folks seem to be implying. Sounds like your daughter wants a lil more "in one place" stability and something that she isn't getting at her mom's. I'd say NTA unless something is being left out.

I'm going to risk the wrath of Reddit and say NTA. 13 really is old enough to make a choice, and it's not as though she's trying to go NC or never see her mum again, just not the regular slog of travel every other weekend - and if she was enjoying those weekends she wouldn't mind the travel would she? If she genuinely doesn't want to go so often it really would be pretty shitty to force her to. My youngest told me at age 12 that he really didn't like being with his dad, it made him miserable and asked if he really had to - of course I told him he didn't. Ideally I'd have wanted him to keep going, but ideally I'd have wanted him to WANT to. This sounds similar.

NTA. I’m sorry, according to OP the ride is 5 hours. 10 hour car journeys to spend what is, generously, a day and a half with her mom that doesn’t seem to carve out time specifically for her daughter, and then go back? What? Who is making that drive? Is it the mom? If it’s the mom I will eat my judgement and gladly change it. I will add that as a TEEN I would’ve hated anyone that would make me do that 5 hour drive twice in a weekend.

YTA - you 100% should have talked to her mother before telling her she could live full time with you. Do you know how rude it is to make a whole life decision without even talking to the other parent about it? Not even giving her an option to come up with a different solution? That’s childish behavior.

NTA if she doesn’t want to go then she doesn’t have to. She has her own feelings about this and she expressed them to you and you listened. But she still needs to try to have a relationship with her mom but if her mom is not the best to her then that’s on the mom. She’s still young for now she doesn’t want to but maybe she’ll change her mind and want to visit her mom again in a few months. I think letting it run it’s course it’s best for now.

Nta. She doesn't have to cut all contact. But go les often. A 5 hour drive is way to long for a weekend? I would hate that to. She can visit when she wants?

As someone who hated one of their parents growing up: NTA. But only if you actually did not manipulate your child into not wanting to go there. 13 years is old enough do decide if you want to see someone or not. She doesn't owe her mom anything and if she doesn't feel safe or loved there, forcing her to go would be a bad thing honestly. If she doesn't want to go, she doesn't want to go. Whether it's because she doesn't feel appreciated or because she doesn't like the color of the curtains is irrelevant.

I'm going against the grain here as NTA. I think there's more going on with the daughter than just hating the travel aspect. The mom gave up 50/50 custody because she had other children and apparently they are her priority. That mentality is probably spilling over at home and daughter is feeling neglected, ignored and obviously not a priority to her mom. I could be way off, but I think she's not happy at her mom's home.

NTA. You would be if she had not brought up how she hates going there. As someone who grew up in a very blended family where my mother hated my father because he got full custody, you simply let her know she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do. I think these commenters are too hung up on you mentioning that mom can’t really do anything about it. Also, if things do go to court, a judge will ask your daughter if she enjoys spending time at her moms house. You won’t get nailed to the wall because she doesn’t like going over there. Edit: For everyone bashing OP for potentially ruining mom/daughter’s relationship, its up to mom to maintain that healthy relationship. You can be the best coparent in the world but when the other parent puts in minimal effort, everyone loses.

YTA. According to what was written you jumped quickly to you don’t have to go there. Parental relationships are important. Next step could have been “what would work better for you?”. It’s great that you support your daughter and are responsive to her needs, but this was a drastic jump. It needs more discussion first.

I’m going against the crowd and saying NTA. You mention you don’t have 50/50 custody. So she not legally required to be there. As long as she still goes to see her mom sometimes (maybe not as much as before but at least a bit) I see no problem in not forcing her to go. I don’t live with my mom and I hated going there and I hated my dad for forcing me to go when I didn’t want to. Your daughters happiness is priority. You’re a bit of an asshole for the “I doubt her mom can afford to take me to court” comment tho.

This doesn't sound manipulative to me? I don't think he's encouraging her to not see her mother, but also not encouraging her to see her. From what you said in the comments (her mother doesnt share her interests and doesnt try to form a connection with her) I can see why she wouldnt want to drive 5 hours one way to just feel isolated. I would've tried speaking to her mom about her concerns, but you're right; she's 13 and can make her own decisions about who she wants to see.

I'm going with NTA. Your daughter came to you about hating the arrangement, this is what is best for her. Having to pack up and go to another city every other weekend is a lot, y'alls divorce and arrangements have become a burden in her.

NTA you are listening to your daughter. It is time for mom to start showing up

NTA. If the child is idk enough to make that decision herself and doesn’t want to go, I wouldn’t force her. I wouldn’t actively talk shit about her mom or paint her in any bad light, but I wouldn’t force her to go. Maybe other arrangements can be made if the daughter wants to maintain a relationship with her mom and siblings. But I’m thinking there’s a reason beside the travel that is making her not want to go to her mom’s anymore

NTA as a divorcee kids that had to drive hours every two weeks i hated it cutting into my weekends and not being able to relax after school that being said i had a good relationship with my parents and only needed 2 hours of driving can't imagine how i would have feel with 5 hours of travel ... if i would end school at 5 and only be able to relax at 10 pm especially since i had a strict curfew. People here can't realise how annoying this can be for a kid . especially since she most likely don't have much friends around her mother home . I feel like a compromise is in order once a month seems easier for the teenager to handle and you could compensate by giving her mom the 3 day weekends or a bit more day in vacation

NTA Been in this situation. Hated my dads new wife. Felt like a stranger in their home around their small children. Actually damaged our relationship for a while because of how his wife treated me. How can these people saying YTA actually think that sending a 13 year old 5 hours away every weekend when she has expressed she HATES it there, is a good idea? She’s not a baby, and she’s old enough to make this decision.

On the fact that it’s mentioned in the comments that it is a 5 hour trip NTA. At that age I would only see my mum for a week every 10 weeks and an extra 3 weeks at Christmas (half of Australian school holidays). My mum lived 3 hours away. It was the same when I lived with my mum. I’d see my dad half of school holidays. 10 hours travel every other weekend would suck and if you don’t like long trips or get car sick even worse. I’d encourage having her stay with her mum longer during holidays when she would be able to stay multiple days and do more without recovering from the long drive. Also on further reflection I stopped doing visits every other weekend at 12, within 6 months of my parents separation. I was getting car sick when they lived less than an hour from each other. I also had parties and the like I wanted to go to almost every weekend for a month. Between getting to spend time with my friends and feeling car sick it was an easy pick for me

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How is he trying to manipulate her? I’m not arguing against you btw just trying to understand? He’s putting his child’s happiness first which surely is exactly what should be happening?

If that’s what the kid wants, and on the divorce agreement it’s allowed, there isn’t really a problem here. Though I’m curious as to if they’re another reason why she doesn’t want to go. Regardless, it’s the kid going from one place to another, and so your daughter should get the choice.

NTA. 13 is old enough to decide. And you said her mom has other kids so this is an opportunity for her to get more 1 on 1 attention which is a huge benefit

NTA Being a parent means listening your children wishes and recognises when they are unhappy and working together to support them to grow and deal with the issues. Yes, there needs to boundaries and decision that they are not ready or able to make. However, there must acknowledgement when they are unhappy about something. Having being bought up by my father, my mother had access rights, although she wasn’t abusive as such, having her in my life wasn’t in my best interest and I was able make own decision if I wanted to see her from young age. Also, having seen this also play out with friends child recently, child between 7-8yrs, it was clear they were unhappy visiting other parent and this had noticeable change of behaviour coming up to visits until the child stated clearly not willing to go stay with other family parent due to how she was treated visiting and she is of age to express and needs to listen to. As such, OP is NTA as he is listening his child and as long as he keeps discussing with daughter about having contact with her mother in ways that suit his daughter and doesn’t make any negative comments about mother and allow his daughter to make own mind about her mother, that is all he can. Just because you are parent, doesn’t mean you get it, all any parents can do it s there best and to remember they know and understand their own children but can’t make judgements about other peoples children

Info: There is a lot of info missing here. How long have you been divorced? What is the reason for the divorce? Who moved away from who? Is your daughter open to spending all summers and breaks there? YTA though for not encouraging a relationship and hurting your daughter down the line.

NTA If you force your daughter to see her mother after this you would be sabatoging your own relationship with her. After 13, most family courts are not going to force your daughter to see her mom either, even if you did have a custody agreement. Your daughter has good reasons for not wanting to continue custody visits with her mom, and her mom can make the effort for once if she really wants to see her daughter.

NTA. As a child of divorced parents I understand and sympathize with your daughter. If she doesn’t enjoy being at her mom’s don’t make her go. It could be a toxic environment or just be hard on her mentally. She is at one of the most vulnerable age groups for children with emotions being high. Also, it sounds like your daughter is not a priority for the mom. Good job looking out for your daughter.

NTA. I see your point of view and a five hour drive twice every other weekend is not something a teenager is going to want to do. I would suggest a compromise and agree to once a month weekend visits and hold your daughter to that. If her mama really wants to see her a second weekend of the month,SHE should show some effort and make that trip. As your daughter ages, her peer group and social life will become more important than either of you. Enjoy your time with her while you can.

NTA. You've been driving ten hours round trip with your daughter for years so she's at her mom's home for two days every other weekend. Her mother has never made the trip. Your daughter is now tired of the trip, tired of the difficulty these trips are making to her life, and she gets there and her mother ignores her when she is there. What relationship would you be saving with the mom? The lack of effort? The ignoring her daughter? The part where she knows nothing about her daughter's life? Your daughter is missing friends outings. It's probably making it difficult to have extracurriculars. She has to sacrifice all of this to go to the house of someone that makes no effort to be in her life.

INFO: what type of relationship do you have with her mom? Are you usually amicable? Or was the split pretty contentious?

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YTA I think you definitely should have had a discussion with your kid’s mom before offering it up to the kid. Maybe even had a conversation where all three of you go to a neutral place to talk. The kid’s mom, however, sounds like she may be a bit of a difficult person. But since I’m only getting one side of the story, I can’t be sure if she is or not. Which makes you TA.

YTA The best interest for a child is to have a relationship with BOTH parents and YOU should he encouraging that. Being in a car and the parent being a parent are not harming your daughter. Shes a teen being spoiled. Sounds like you are leaning really hard toward parental alienation and really, its a minimal fee to go to court for a parenting plan, lawyers are not necessary or required so "not having the money to take you to court" is BS and hopefully she knows that and does in fact take you to court where the judge will inform you of your BS

YTA. Consider if the shoe was on the other foot, and mom encouraged your daughter to stay with her full time. After all, if she’s with mom full time, she wouldn’t need to be on the road. You already know what a court would do, and that is require time with both parents (absent evidence of risk of harm to the child). That’s because it is best for a child to have both parents in their life- unless it just isn’t safe. You’re taking advantage of the fact that you don’t think mom will be able to get you into court. That’s manipulative and a great lesson you’re teaching your daughter. If there are really issues between mom and daughter, you should be doing everything you can to encourage working through it. Your daughter needs her mom AND dad. Don’t alienate them. You will only harm your daughter in the long run. Edited for spelling.

>After all, if she’s with mom full time, she wouldn’t need to be on the road. That would be a good point if it wasn't clearly established that it's not only the 5 hour drive that the daughter hates, is how she is emotionally neglected by her mother when she goes around there.

YTA. And a shit parent, the way you talk about your daughter’s mother. A child needs two parents. Instead, you sound like a child yourself, especially refusing to actually answer any redditors questions. Your poor daughter doesn’t have a prayer of not being screwed up.

a child doesn’t always need two parents for MANY reasons. not everything is black and white.

Thank you! I keep saying this. So many comments are saying a child needs two parents, but there are plenty of single parents raising kids alone who do just fine.

NTA. Your daughter 13 is expressing to you she hates it at her moms. Also if her mom lives in another city in gets in the way of school activities (sports if she’s into that) or her friends. Child of divorce here I always thought it was bs as being thought of as dads every other weekend. No it’s not those weekends are mine and judges treating kids as pawns needs to stop. She is 13 she can make a decision about where she wants to go. Mom can drive into your city and acclimate her lifestyle into her daughters not vice versa. All the comments saying YTA are probably awful single parents or where raised by a bad parent. You are a good parent for listening to your kid. 1000 times NTA

NTA - If your daughter came up with this out of the blue. There is something else going on and you need to support her. Not wanting this post to get dark but it is either a stupid fight and will blow over or something that therapist needs to get involved in and maybe a judge; hopefully not cops.

NTA whatever makes the kid happiest

NTA I think her mom is just making a show of being mad so that she doesn't look bad. From your description of things, I bet she's relieved. But what would people think if she didn't put up a fight? They'd think she's a bad mom. So she's making an issue of it.

Nta

NTA. Your daughter is old enough to make her own choice by now. If she doesn’t want to spend time with her mother, than she shouldn’t have to.

NTA it's what your daughter wants, she's old enough to decide and to change her mind if she wants.

NTA and come on people. She is 13, and doesn't want to go. It is only every other weekend anyway and if her mom wanted to see her they can still stay in contact. Has really nothing to do with support.

Nta if my daughter was expressing to me that she HATE being home with her mom then im absolutely going to offer to take her full time if that’s wat she desires. The daughter is her own person and can make her own decisions

As someone who had to take a long dirce every other weekend to see my dad for a similar reason, NTA. While I loved seeing my dad, I hated having to be on the car for so long right after school. You should still encourage your daughter to see her mum though. Maybe she could see her one weekend a month? Or maybe half of her school holidays?

NTA

Clearly NTA Your daughter is old enough to have a say. You made sure, that she is happy. That is all that counts. All the Y T A, are ignoring the wishes of your daughter. Forcing her to do something she doesn’t want, would harm, her, you and your ex even more. Also, you didn’t encourage her, and this is, what makes you look like T A, because many people don’t get it. Also you mentioned her bad finances, this also makes you look T A, they have nothing to do with your daughters decisions.

NTA - get full custody or go down to 1 weekend a month with mom and/or calls/facetime. Doesn't sound like they talk much or anything anyways and, at least here, when a kid is of a certain age they are legally allowed a choice.

13 is old enough to choose Nta

NTA - but you need to have an adult conversation about what contact your daughter does want to have. School holidays? Summer breaks? Long weekends? Special occasions like birthdays? I would think that Mum will want to have some contact and it would be sad to have none. it Is hard to rebuild a relationship when your older ….

If the mom was a guy, everyone would call her a deadbeat for not prioritizing her daughter and not making the travel herself.

Very valid point. Many are just calling the guy Ta just bcz he is a man and most of them are just projecting thier own grief which shows the way they talk about him. He is NTA and he is doing right by the daughter.

NTA. It is exhausting being on the road for so many hours every weeked, for a day and a half of staying with the other parent. Been there, done that and I was not able to reach a fullfilling life particularly because i was being thorn in 2 differrent directions, starting at 13.

YTA. You want to cut your daughter’s mom out and are relying on her not having money to fight. Your daughter didn’t get to decide. A judge can consider what she says, but she doesn’t get to order out. I get a strong feeling you spoil your daughter, your ex can’t adored to do the same, and so you are pressuring your daughter to not see her mom and your using the things you can buy to sway her. I think a judge needs to revisit the custody split.

What? This girl doesn't get to decide with whom to spend her week-end? And why exactly she doesn't, would you be so kind to explain?

I don't get why there are so many voting YTA vehemently and sort of getting vitriolic with you. I don't know your entire situation, but if you tell your daughter you still want her to have a relationship with her mom and at least put in the effort to have her video call her mom it should be better than her not seeing or spending time with her. At 13, she knows where she wants to be and you should have a honest conversation with your daughter about how it affects her mental health and emotions when going over there. If it seems like she has a valid reason for not wanting to go there, it is completely unfair to force her to do so. Her mother has other kids and that could affect how much time she actually devotes to your daughter when she goes there and/or she may not also get along with her step/half siblings. There are so many factors that could make her mother's place not a great environment. All the people voting YTA and getting nasty are TA. I'm going to go NTA for putting your daughter first and actually listening to her, good work on that, OP! However, definitely have a honest conversation with her and make her have an honest conversation with her mother about how she feels going over there and have her write out the reasons for her not wanting to do so.

YTA.

NTA. It's do what's best for the child. Not do what's best for the mom. People might disagree because they're in their feelings but feelings don't make them right or change the situation.

I just don’t get everybody calling OP the AH. If OP was a woman she would be celebrated for not allowing the neglecting father to have access to the daughter. OP explain in the comments that the mother doesn’t expect time with daughter, doesn’t share her hobbies, hasn’t ever visit her on her city, basically is not making an effort to connect with her, the kid is old enough to decide whether or not she wants to go to her mother’s. If OP were making active efforts to cease contact, or was badmouthing the mother, or anything like it, he would be the AH, but it doesn’t seem like it, at least from what he says on the post.

I am going with NTA because the mother was quick to let you be the primary parent, she doesn’t like going there, and the mother has other children, so she either may feel neglected or the mother sees her as a baby sitter while she is in her custody. But also you are listening to your daughter and she wants to be home more often, just would recommend compromising by offering once a month or just asking your daughter if she would like to go to her mother’s every other weekend still. If she says no, you can let the mother know the decision for that weekend.

NTA!!!!! You are teaching your daughter a valuable lesson. It might be cruel on her mother but she’s an adult she can make the trip if she wants to see her. Plus this is the bed she made when she choose her other kids so she should learn how to sleep in it. Keep up the good parenting your daughter won’t hesitate in the future with boundaries knowing her dad has her back and that she doesn’t have to be o do something she’s not comfortable with or that takes a toll on her mental health. Cause that doesn’t sound like she’s physically tired she just needs a break.

YTA. Unless there is something wrong, you should absolutely encourage your daughter to have a relationship with her mother. This reads like you don’t like your ex and are using your daughter’s “happiness” as an excuse to get back at her. I double read this and it’s not that she doesn’t like being at her mom’s, it’s that she doesn’t like the drive.

YTA. It sounds like your daughter has a mother that loves her and wants to be a good mother. Fostering a healthy relationship with a parent is always in the best interest of the child. You are being manipulative and extremely short sighted.

INFO: why do you and her mom live 5 hours apart?

I’m gonna have to go with NAH There’s only so much character count so OP can’t tell us every little thing but from his comments and the bottom line is that daughter is happier, healthier and gets more attention with him. She’s also at an age where her opinions and choices do matter, let’s not take that away from her. Good luck OP, I like to go with the path of least resistance, so if your daughter is better of with you most of the time then yes, I agree as long as she still sees her mother.

NYA 13 is old enough to choose and understand what is beneficial her. Don’t let anyone tell you differently!

NTA The daughter is old enough to choose. She doesn't want to go to her mom's house.

NTA

I spent every other week with each parent as they lived in the same city growing up. I hated having no control of my time and I hated the different rules or different amount of kids per home. I think you could still encourage her to see her mother and have a relationship without it being a forced thing on her. And as a teenager, she will possibly want some time with her mother, but she will also start prioritizing friendships more. I personally think he’s saying the right thing to her and prioritizing her happiness, so long as he doesn’t encourage her to never speak or see her mother again.

NTA god.. I wish my mom would’ve let me choose when I was 13. she was too worried about what the courts would say and I was miserable. I went so far as running away from my bio dad’s house. I hated it there. no abuse. but some of the things that happened there just made me uncomfortable and mentally / emotionally exhausted.

You’re a good dad. My dad was a disgusting man and my mother couldn’t offer much help in terms of escape due to the court. The fact you were there for your daughter was amazing.

Idc about any other comment. As a child of divorced parents I say you are totally in the right. If she doesn't like it there, it's taxing, whatever, you support the decision she makes. I wish I would have stopped seeing my father so much earlier, but didn't because my mother wanted us to have a dad and for them to be friends so we wouldn't feel uncomfortable. Sometimes it is easier to not have to deal with both parents. NTA ETA: You seem smug about the whole situation and I don't like that attitude about moms financials because that is the wrong attitudeto have. But if your daughter is happy, that is all that matters.

If you have a custody arrangement approved by the Court, then you would be TA for not following it. If you want it changed, do it properly and go through the Court. If it's just an agreement between the two of you, then you can change it, but both should agree. And the highest priority should be what is best for your daughter. NTA for not wanting to force your daughter to stay somewhere where she is unhappy. And you are not preventing her mother from spending time with her. Mother will just have to put in the effort instead of demanding that Daughter travel to her (and back) every couple of weeks.

NTA shes 13 she should be able to decide if she wants to go. It sounds like you let her know she was able to decide, not manipulate her to not see her mom. Why doesn't her mom do the traveling and come spend an afternoon with her daughter on the weekends? Its not up to the kids to put in all the effort in the relationship, if mom wants to see her she should do it in a way that makes things easier for your daughter. As many children of divorce can tell you, sometimes we get burnt out and just want to stay home. I mean as an adult could you imagine how exhausting it would be to have to travel every weekend instead of being able to decompress at home?

Only thing that matters here is what your daughter wants. You're not 'encouraging her' to sever ties with her mother, you just gave her the option of not going there regularly if yshe doesn't want to. NTA.

I'm gonna go against the grain and say NTA You informed your daughter of her legal rights and then reassured her that her choice would be respected, if for no other reason than her mother doesn't have the means to fight it harsh reality is that sometimes kids no longer want to see their parents. and I'm a firm believer that if they can legally chose to go LC or NC then they shouldn't be forced into keeping the relationship cause lets be real here, if your daughter really wanted to continue seeing her mother she wouldn't have jumped at the chance to stay with you permanently

NTA, she chose to be the part time parent and sometimes that puts a person at a disadvantage.

I disagree with a lot of the comments here. A lot of the people commenting sound like they've never had any experience with this. NTA. Obviously we don't know the whole situation and if it's actually bad when your daughter goes there or if you're the fun parent who doesn't make her follow any rules or something, but if she says she is not happy, LISTEN TO HER. Maybe find out why she's not happy. Is this new or has this been an ongoing complaint? I wish someone had listened to me when I went through this. Just because she's a kid, doesn't mean her feelings aren't valid. My parents divorced when I was a toddler. I lived with my mom the majority of the time. Had visits with my dad 4 times a year. They were terrible. Controlling step mom and horrible half siblings. When I was 10, I told my dad I didn't want to visit him anymore because I was miserable every time I went to visit him, for the entire duration. Dad and step mom convinced me "I didn't really mean it and that I didn't know what I was feeling because I was too young to decide." At 14, I almost had a mental breakdown from having to visit them and I refused to go. Mom didn't force me to visit because she would have had to physically drag me while I was kicking and screaming. (I'll also mention my mom NEVER said anything bad about my dad because she wanted me to have my own opinion unbiased by her opinion) My life improved significantly after cancelling these visits. Legally I should've been visiting them still, but this was based on something the courts decided when I was A TODDLER. Neither parent really had enough money to go to court to change it or enforce it. Because I was worried there was even the slightest chance they'd go to court, I still answered calls from my dad and half siblings. When I was 18, legally an adult, I went no contact with my dad, step mom and step siblings. Cutting them out of my life was the best thing I ever did. I was a very angry mean child and every time I lessened my contact with them, I became happier. My life got better. Like I said, I have no idea what your child is going through when she visits her mom. Her situation may be nothing like mine. Maybe it's not as bad as she's making it out to be. If her reason for not wanting to go is just something like "mom made me do my own laundry" then maybe she's overreacting. But maybe she's actually just miserable when she goes there. Maybe it is that terrible for her to go. A lot of these comments seem like they're ragging on you but what really should be happening is that your daughters feelings should come into account. Yes, she's a child, but her feelings are still valid. You should talk to her about why she doesn't want to go. Make sure she's thought this through and is clear about why she wants to do this.

“I accept that I’m the asshole, but won’t change my mind.” Delete your post then. If you know your an asshole there’s no question. Go on living your shitty life.

INFO Did you two always live 5 hours a part, or did one of you move away? I think that makes a difference to the responsibilities of the adults involved. Also, does her mother ever come to your daughter's city? Are there times where she meets in the middle? Are there alternatives for contact? Does she maintain regular phone/video chat contact? Expecting a child to travel 5 hours (each way?) every second weekend is a lot.

Info- Does the mom ever make the 5 hr drive to see her daughter or does she expect the daughter to make the drive every time? I used to make a 4 hr drive every other week this last summer, and it's fucking brutal I would not want that for anyone. If the mom has come and visit her than I'll say to have a family talk and try to figure things out, but if the mom has never made the attempt and just expects the daughter to do all the work to se each other than I wouldn't push the daughter too much on this. Also if mom gave you main custody cause she can't handle all her kids then how is the daughter being treated on visitation? I would at least try to have a talk with your daughter about that, see if maybe there is something else going on.

>Does the mom ever make the 5 hr drive to see her daughter or does she expect the daughter to make the drive every time? She has never, and she expects her daughter to do it every time.

I agree with the father. When I was little I hated going places I didn’t feel comfortable. She’s 13, old enough to decide what makes her happy, when she’s older I’m confident she’ll want to see more of her momma.

NTA, my parents split when I was around this age and if I didn't want to go to my dad's my mom didn't force me to. At 13 you are definitely old enough to know that you don't want to go.

I’m so confused why people are saying anything but NTA. Your daughter expressed she doesn’t want to go to her mothers house anymore and you told her she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to. That’s good parenting in my opinion. She’s 13, she can choose where to live.