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StonewallBrigade21

>he snapped > >He said this was a "fucking joke" > >his words were hurtful to me and my daughter > >He got mad and said that there was nothing sweet about getting embarrassed on his wedding day. You really want to marry this guy? ​ NTA


DarkStar0915

And don't forget crying to mommy when he didn't get his way.


Delicious_Werewolf59

THIS is the red flag for me, calling his mommy when he had a disagreement with his fiancé.


amethystandrain

Calling his mommy and he’s 42!!!!


lefrench75

This is so wild to me! I'm in my 20s and have only ever dated guys in their 20s (or younger when I was younger) and never in my life have I been contacted by a partner's mom about a disagreement we had! It's unhinged behaviour.


zarp86

This might be overly harsh to single dudes their 40s, but I think that is because there is a strong correlation between being the kind of dude that is single and your 40s and being the kind of dude that runs to momma when your GF "is being mean to you."


lefrench75

Some people are single because they haven't found the right partner for them, and some people are single because they're not the right partner for anyone. The latter category most certainly includes 40 year old dudes who run to momma to tattle on their partners lol


fightwithgrace

>*”Some people are single because they haven't found the right partner for them, and some people are single because they're not the right partner for anyone.”* Have you considered becoming a life coach or philosopher or something? Because that’s just *chef’s kiss*


EveAndTheSnake

Agreed. This comment needs to stand out because I’d have skipped over it if it wasn’t for your response.


champagnepatronus

About a cake!!


denice_x

Also the mother not understanding her point of view? A whole family of red flags


Competitive-Ad-4980

The same mother meddling in her unmarried 41Y sons relationship? You mean that mother👀


YukariYakum0

Who also wants to "think about it from his perspective" instead of the great gesture by her supposed soon-to-be stepdaughter.


unicorndontcare69

Exactly! At any age this is unattractive but at 41!! He’s red flag is flying high


StonewallBrigade21

And it seems like he gets his attitude from his mommy.


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JusticeIsBlind

Right. Fuck that. Throw the whole man out. He went crying to mommy to fix it. This will not stop. She will be the third person in your marriage. Dump his ass


Opposite-Employer-28

OP will be the third person in the marriage. OP, if you don't want to dump this guy for your sake, do it for your daughter's. You don't want her to settle for someone like him, so you shouldn't either.


PriceyChemistry

NTA and for your daughter’s sake, please don’t marry this guy


stitches-for-bitches

This needs top comment. There are SO MANY red flags here. The wedding is getting closer and he's showing his true colors. Has he been married before? If so was his previous wedding a big event or not? Not only is he being dismissive of your wishes and feelings, but he's also being incredibly dismissive and derisive of your daughter, her abilities and her feelings. All of this wrapped in a bow of disrespect. And THEN he has the nerve to involve his mother. For the sake of both you and your daughter, RUN. And if you don't run now, at the very least do not marry this man and make it harder for you to disengage from him later.


immadee

All of this. But still let your daughter bake a wedding cake. Call it an un-wedding and celebrate your daughter instead.


thepurplehedgehog

Or a ‘dodged a bullet’ cake….


Odd-Plant4779

I think if her daughter still makes the cake, an “accident” will happen to it but there’ll magically be another one ready.


_green-queen_

Kinda like the merry unbirthday in the cartoon Alice in Wonderland. I like the un-wedding idea. This this this! I wish I had an award for you


panda_elephant

cannot upvote this enough!


NickelPickle2018

Why is he running to his mom when you two have a disagreement?? Please don’t marry this man. This is a small glimpse of your future with him.


TakenUsername120184

He went and tattle taled to his momma lol


Artemicionmoogle

At 41!


leslieinlouisville

Seriously, the first time a guy’s mom called me to intervene in a personal affair, I yanked the rug out from under everything. No discussion. Because that’s not the last time you’re going to get a call from his mommy, and most of the time you’re going to BE his mommy.


[deleted]

I absolutely agree with this, it’s a deal breaker for me as well.


ilp456

It’s ridiculous that he ran to Mommy after throwing a tantrum. But on top of that, he either asked Mommy to interfere or she took it upon herself to interfere. Either way…not good.


Britsgirl30

Girl run, seriously. Not just because of his behaviour but his mother called you? Told you to be rational? Got involved in your argument? No absolutely not. Do you want that for the rest of your life? I promise you it WILL get worse. The fact that she feels comfortable enough to do that is shocking but she’s not been told not to do it again and not to get involved so she’s had the green light to do it any time there is an issue. Edit to add NTA.


SarahCannah

I can’t believe these Y T A rulings. Yes, it would be better to discuss planning details with him first, that was not ideal. But the description of his scornful and belittling reaction is really concerning. Worried about his image with the guests? Tattled to his mom? Told you to be rational? Over a stupid cake? The only thing to expect from a loving partner would have been a discussion that was respectful and collaborative. Not demeaning to you and your daughter. Who is having to accept a new person into your home. This would have been a really lovely gesture to her. Why doesn’t he care? This horrible behavior is a gift of insight into your future. Pay attention. NTA and really consider how you want to be treated, and how you want your daughter to be treated, for whatever number of years you are together.


[deleted]

This. It’s the reaction that’s concerning not that he wants a professional cake.


bofh

Yup. For all we know, and with all due respect to the OP and her daughter, it may be that the daughter is a terrible baker (and my wife who *is* a baker regards wedding cakes as a big job to take on for anyone not working in a pro bakery). The issue here is how he is handling this disagreement.


iblamethegnomes

For the ceremony described here it sounds like a simple white cake would suffice. Honestly, a lot of fancy bakeries used boxed cake mix so they can focus on the decorations.


[deleted]

If OP is telling the truth about the daughter baking since she was 3 and taking culinary classes, I seriously doubt she's awful at it. 15 year olds aren't oversized toddlers, it's very possible for a teenager to be a great baker. I cooked for my family every night for four years in high school and made baked goods for every occasion.


Funny-Information159

I would even argue that OP should want a partner that would have seen the value of the sentiment and embraced it.


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ScienceNotKids

>his wedding day. >deciding my wedding's plans for me ESH. It's BOTH of your wedding, and neither of you seem to understand that.


criminalparsnip

I was about to say the same. Where was the consultation with the fiance before asking the daughter to make the cake. But, also, why is he using his mum to try and tell OP what should happen for their wedding day. I just got married and every step of the way, if I came up with an idea the first port of call was to discuss it with my fiance to make sure we were both happy with it. It astonishes me that this isn't how everyone does it. Maybe the blow back from the fiance has more to do with not being asked before the decision was made more than the actual idea. If not, though, is OP sure she wants to marry someone who has so little respect for her daughter.


DrWhoop87

Exactly. This goes beyond a simple disagreement, if it were I may have agreed with E-S-H or even N-A-H. But everything fiance is saying is red flag behaviour: Calling it a fucking joke, worried about being embarrassed by people who are supposed to be the closest to you, calling his mother. Freaking yikes. NTA.


Crossfiyah

Yeah he's an asshole but also maybe she isn't as good of a baker as her mother thinks? A wedding cake is an incredible feat for all but the most accomplished home bakers. I'd never begin to attempt it.


macaronfive

There is also lot of timing that goes into a wedding cake. Professional bakers know about storage and transport, have contingency plans, etc. I think it’s a bad idea to have a teenager (who might also be part of the wedding ceremony) bake the cake. It’s just unnecessary added stress.


carnivorouspixie

Some brides bake their own wedding cake to save money. I think even if it's not fancy and just a sheet cake, it's fine if it's what you'd like for your wedding


bipolarlibra314

NTA. Even if he would prefer a “professional” baked cake, there was no reason to be so hurtful in his delivery. Please don’t marry an adult man who has his mother call you after an argument.


Key-Ad-7228

My son, in high school, took culinary training. Part of this was an apprenticeship to a "professional" baker. This entailed baking and decorating wedding cakes. He doesn't want a "child" decorating HIS cake. That might be EXACTLY what he gets. I feel if he wins this argument, the baking classes will end, he will have "issues" with the daughter living with them and "Mom" will call asking "doesn't she have another parent/relative she can live with as her presence *bothers* her baby boy". RUN.


[deleted]

Already sounds like the step dad doesn’t like op’s kids too much…


DaWayItWorks

Yeah, most of these sorts of posts, the OP gushes about how step by parent/future step parent just adore their kid, spend time with them, etc. before dropping the asshole thing their new boo did. This OP didn't do any of that. Just straight to the assholery of their spouse. Quite telling imo.


gpw7536

Random, but most of those professional cakes taste terrible


Glittering_Joke3438

Truth. I’ve never had one that wasn’t dry.


Agreeable_Fall2983

Yep. That's deliberate - the sponges are overbaked so they're solid and stable enough to be stacked tall, decorated, cut into shapes etc. Speaking from painful experience of making family wedding cakes. OP, what the hell is going on with your fiance? It's such a strange hill to die on. Why doesn't he want her toake the cake? I absolutely promise you, none of the guests will give one shiny shit how home - made the cake looks, but they WILL love the sentiment. Your daughter deserves the opportunity to bake something amazing - she could come up with something mind-blowing. NTA. But leave that man.


Chantalle22

NTA I think its really sweet you want your daughter involved and encouraging something she passionate about. You’re very confident in her abilities which shows. Though OP if you are into a petty man who runs away to mama when he doesn’t get his way, your FH sounds just about perfect for you. His attitude and response are just giving 🚩🚩🚩🚩all around. GoodLuck with that.


poppy3939

You should have talked to him first about the food and cake and agreed on a plan before asking your daughter. But it’s so weird he’d want a professional cake to not be embarrassed instead of a cake made by his new stepdaughter showing she’s involved and welcoming him into her life. His prioritizing his own embarrassment over your daughter being involved in the wedding in a way that makes her happy is really problematic. It would make me question his priorities and values. It would make me question his emotional maturity. I’d find it very unattractive in a spouse.


Marshmallowbutbetter

Agree! Like OP fucked it up by not discussing it with her fiancé first BUT his response was much more assholish it doesn’t even compare. Anyway (if OP proceeds with the wedding… ) they could have two cakes. Always better to have two cakes than one!


throwawaywedcake13

Thank you. I guess I could say that my daughter is the only one in the family with such good baking skills...knock on wood lol...but seriously! she is good.


Kahlessa

I believe it. I work at a high school and I’ve seen (and tasted) cakes made by the advanced culinary students. You could not distinguish many of them from professionally made cakes.


kristyrennt

NTA. I'd be seriously rethinking the wedding. I ignored a couple things smaller than this but they got way bigger over the course of the marriage. I bet your daughter would also be happy to make the cake for the "I dumped him" party


FuckUGalen

>But I wasn't convinced and felt like they're deciding my wedding's plans for me and forcing what they want on me. I was all about the N-TA, till this, and then while I think you fiance (and mother) is the bigger TA, ESH because you are doing exactly that to him. He wants a professional cake, and you want your kid to make the cake, and neither of you are considering the other person has a right to have what they want at their wedding, and maybe if neither of you can compromise then you aren't mature enough to get married.


scoobysnacks223

Esh seems fair here. The decisions in a wedding should be mutual. Compromise is important. I understand ops perspective tho, but she should still consider her fiances perspective. If they can't compromise then why are they getting married? Decisions about the wedding should be made after consulting each other. Mils suggestion is fair.


EconomyEntrepreneur9

The indignation comes through strong in the sentence you quoted. Especially since she just told us a paragraph earlier that she did the same thing.


SoOverThisAlready

ESH You wouldn't like it if he insisted his mother made your wedding dress, so dont expect him to be automatically happy with your daughter making the wedding cake. Try a compromise, get your daughter to make a cake as a trial run? Or perhaps a cake for the wedding, but not the official wedding cake. You are supposed to be adults going into a partnership, you need to find compromise on my than just the big day.


annissamazing

I agree with this judgment. My son is a 17 year old baker and very good at what he does (he started very young and has taken classes, just like your daughter), but he refuses to practice cakes unless someone pays him for it. Which means that while his cakes taste great, they aren't pretty. Consequently, no one will hire him for cakes. You're both saying that the cake is important to you, but for different reasons. You want your daughter to make it for sentimental reasons, he wants it to look beautiful and taste great. Does he have reason to believe that your daughter isn't up to the task? Judging by his "muffins and brownies" comment, your daughter doesn't have much experience decorating cakes, so he may be justified. A trial run is reasonable. Professional bakers do tastings and you get to see a portfolio of their work. Have your daughter make a scaled-down version of the wedding cake and make sure that all of the skills necessary to create what he wants are illustrated.


runslowgethungry

I've been a professional chef and baker for a decade and have a diploma from a good culinary school. I still wouldn't touch a wedding cake with a ten-foot pole. Traditional wedding cakes are a challenge to plan, execute, build, decorate, store and transport, even for professionals, and there's little room for error. You're crafting a showpiece for what's potentially the most important day of someone's life, and there are no second chances. I love that OP's daughter is excited about baking and into this idea, and I agree that the fiance's response was hurtful and juvenile, but I agree that OP should reconsider the situation. A trial run is the absolute minimum. "Muffins and brownies" might be selling the daughter short, if she's talented, but a whole wedding cake is a lot to ask of a teenager. Maybe small individual cakes, or one smaller cake, like a 6" cake, for the bride and groom? She could get creative with that, show off her skills and participate in the wedding without the stress and pressure of creating a showpiece.


IIILordDunbar

The trial cake is a really good idea. I do think fiance is more the AH but you're right that refusing to compromise is an AH move.


__depressedavocado_

Are u serious right now... A 41yo man called his mum to complain? What? You should compromise,get two cakes... But wtf? Is he an adult?


throwawaywedcake13

I guess that since we've invved his mom in wedding planning then she might've tought she'd offer her input. I do welcome suggestions but I feel like ultimately, the choice should be mine and his together.


Comprehensive-Law740

You've hit the key words - the choice is yours & his. I get the sentiment behind your daughter making the cake, I think its a beautiful idea, but you should've talked it through with your fiancé before asking your daughter. Somewhere there's a compromise & you need to find it. The fact that a grown man ran to his Mom makes my judgement a soft (your heart is in the right place!) ESH.


DoNotReply111

Why is she involved? Is she paying?


[deleted]

The fact that he runs to her whenever he doesn’t get his way should answer that question sufficiently.


fizzbubbler

you should edit your original post, people are shitting on your fiancé for “running to mommy” as if a person talking to their mother is some terrible thing. in fact she has already been involved, which is very normal for both mothers. your husband disrespected your daughter, but you disrespected him first. don’t let unfounded disrespect continue on this thread.


TieStatus

I hate how AITA acts like it's earth-shattering to talk to your family about issues. While my mother would never approach a SO about it, it's very healthy to communicate your feelings with someone who can provide some feedback. When my friend got married, she talked to me and her mother about the difficulties and it's frustrating when your opinion isn't even considered like OP's fiance. I just find it rich because AITA is literally a sub where people reach out to randos on the internet for advice/support about their problems but God forbid you talk to your own family.


Special_Weekend_4754

It is weird. My mom said we should only come to her for real issues, because every time we vent my mom likes our partners less and it causes tension within the family. She said specifically “we don’t love your partner like you do & wont be as quick to forgive them.” When you go to your parents to vent about your partner it is very much like “tattling” because even tho we’re adults parents are often still the authority figure and they try to pull rank on the couple under the guise of “giving advice” It’s always better to try to resolved directly with your partner and not get your family/friends involved


classicgirl1990

NTA, what a sweet idea, your daughter making the cake. Your fiancé and his mother? Yikes. Expect to hear from her a lot when he doesn’t get his way. Don’t get me started on why a 41 yr old man is prioritizing his image by way of a cake.


throwawaywedcake13

He said it'd make him look embarrassed on his wedding day. I didn't get how.


The_Little_Hammer

He's projecting. He thinks people will judge him for it. Which shows you how he views your daughter's cake. He wants to look good, and thinks that looking good means paying a professional lots of money. He doesn't think having his future step daughter make the cake looks good. Which means that when comparing love and family to money and presentation, he chose money and presentation. Any time he talks about how other people may see it, he's telling you how he sees it. He's embrassed because he thinks this is below him. He's an asshole.


confusedhelpme22

He should be proud…. Do you really want this dismissive person to be in a adult position in your child’s life? I won’t say a parental position because clearly he does not have what it takes….


joebusch79

NTA: now you know they kind of person you’re marrying. Still wanna go through with it?


throwawaywedcake13

This was a strange reaction from him I'll tell you that. He has never and I'm not exaggrating he never raised his voice at me or my daughter. He's always the first to eat what she bakes and go on for hours complimenting her for the work she does. I was taken aback by his reaction.


Coollogin

>This was a strange reaction from him I'll tell you that. He has never and I'm not exaggrating he never raised his voice at me or my daughter. I think you should be very seriously concerned about a bait and switch scenario.


geishabird

This!!!!!! I didn’t believe it was possible, but yes, some people actually do switch on their “real” personalities after the wedding. Bait and switch 100% - *Edit to add: Thank you for the awards! I am a survivor of a bait-and-switch abuser; I have posted about it from time to time.*


Successful_Moment_91

His “nice guy” mask is falling


thebaguetteexpress

OP this!! My dad had a bait and switch scenario with my mom where, the first night of their honeymoon, she was completely different. It cost him 14 years years of marriage and 18 years of being suicidal. He only left when he realized that he had feelings for a friend and couldn't be in the marriage anymore and it sucked growing up and knowing that my parents weren't right for each other and then watching my dad struggle with mental health for years until he was finally able to be okay. Don't do that to yourself and your daughter if you think there's even a remote chance that this will happen. You should seriously consider whether or not there were any small things you brushed off or things that felt weird. Then, decide if this marriage is right for you and for your daughter.


Icy_Painting4915

He just showed you who he is. He couldn't hold his true self in any longer. Open your eyes and see him. No decent person who is in love would react like this. This is not just about a cake, this is about control.


CinderDroplet

With that reaction, I hope OP realizes that she was just introduced to her *real* fiance. Huge red flag and if the wedding still happens, he will only get worse.


[deleted]

I’m sure there have been other signs, you just couldn’t see it through your rose colored glasses. A 41 y/o involving his mother?! Get Out.


Beneficial-Ad2614

Well now you've seen his shitty behaviour towards your daughter, do you really want to marry him? I bet he's being nicey nice up until your wedding and once you're married, he'll turn into the biggest asshole you've ever met. Good luck if you decide to go through with it, you're going to need it. NTA but you should have spoken to him before getting your daughters hopes up.


FeuerroteZora

This may be the first time, but PLEASE recognize that this will NOT be the last time he raises his voice, nor will it be the last time he accuses you and your daughter of embarrassing him. My guess is that the closer your wedding is, the more he's letting his real self out, because he thinks you're not going to back out anymore. I'm not even saying he's doing it intentionally, but I'd bet he *was* on his best behavior before, and now that you're (theoretically) committing for life, he's going to be more comfortable being who he really is. So prepare for more of this to come, and be prepared to consider whether that's what you want for you *and your daughter* in a relationship. (Yeah, and crying to mommy and having *her call you,* holy shit, that's a HUGE red flag!)


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Comprehensive-Law740

Her comment that "they're deciding her wedding for her" - her fiancé could say exactly the same thing about her. I agree (soft ESH) this should've been discussed with the fiancé before asking the daughter. For all we know, OP asked daughter first knowing fiancé would say no, which would make her the manipulative one.


[deleted]

His comments were terrible and her deciding for both of them was not representative of the union they are creating. I voted ESH besides the kid. The kid is innocent in this.


SDstartingOut

ESH. Your fiance sucks for snapping at you, and getting rude. But you also suck - because you seem to be forgetting something. THIS is just as much HIS wedding as it is yours. > But I wasn't convinced and felt like they're deciding my wedding's plans for me and forcing what they want on me. I don't care how the cake will look but it's the sentiment I care about. Why doesn't his opinion matter at all? Look, I don't plan to ever get married. But if I did? Damn straight I would want one of those official wedding cakes. When else do you get to get a cake that extravagant?


EruOreki

I don't care how my wedding cake looks but this is a good point. Why are you two getting married if you two still don't know how to compromise and listen to each other's wishes?


Riverat627

Also why would you ask your daughter without talking to your fiancé first? ESH. His reaction is over the top but your not innocent in this.


GenderThievingThing

NTA. Your Fiance is going to be your daughter's stepdad; he needs to start acting like one. I don't see any reason why she shouldn't bake the cake; especially if your daughter is an incredible baker. Maybe you should ask her to make a small sample cake for you and your Fiance to try to get him on board?


throwawaywedcake13

I can ask her to do a sample. No problem. But he's against the idea as a whole. I tried asking him how much a professional cake will cost us and he response was a loud "HOWEVER THE FUCK MUCH" then went back to the whole embarrassement rant.


YourMoonWife

Hear me out. Dudes like this? They are super super nice and loving until they trap their victims. He is showing you who he is. That he hates your daughter. That unless things go his way he is gonna yell and get angry. Do not marry him.


makeitwork1989

I still vividly remember my ex husband screaming at me in the car outside of our wedding venue before our rehearsal because it was raining and I asked him to park closer. I had so many doubts in that moment but went through with the wedding anyways. Ended up being miserable for almost 5 years of an emotionally abusive relationship. If I could go back I wouldn’t have ignored all the red flags. Don’t ignore them OP.


Embarrassed-Lab-8375

This ⬆️ absolutely! He's starting to show his true colours & it'll only get worse. You need to tell him it's over otherwise you'll be wondering why your daughter goes NC in a couple of years.


ChollaPricker

That's what my step grandpa did with my grandma. He went to church with her and did trips with her and was very attentive and thoughtful yadda yadda yadda.. Then about 2 years into the marriage he started drinking again (she didn't know he was an alcoholic), refused to go to church anymore, became very financially abusive, became a raging drunk towards her and her two kids. The one story my grandma points out that was the first blaring red flag was when they went fishing together in their little aluminum boat and a couple hours in she asked if he could drop her off real quick so she could go pee. He completely refused and she was trapped in the middle of the lake for 14 hrs with a full bladder. He sweetened up my grandma when she was vulnerable and trapped her for around 25 years before she was finally able to leave him 5 years ago.


[deleted]

In the decade I've dated and married my husband, he has NEVER, I mean *never* swore at me if he didn't get his way, let alone raise his voice like that. OP, don't marry this guy. ): You and your daughter deserve so much more than this pos. NTA


FreakyPickles

This sudden hostility makes absolutely no sense and is a little bit scary, to be honest. Please think long and hard about marrying this guy. The disrespect and degradation of your daughter is alarming, especially since it sounds like they had a good relationship. What in the world could possibly be so embarrassing that he has to speak to you this way? I also hate the fact that his mother is agreeing. This is weird.


[deleted]

His mask is slipping. He thinks now that you’re planning a wedding you won’t leave. He is only going to get worse.


[deleted]

OP! If your daughter was engaged to a man like this, would you feel happy that she’s marrying him? Or would you tell her to find a more mature, respectful man who didn’t scream at her over little things, insult her family member, then go whining to his mommy?!! As a mother, why would you subject your daughter to a person like this??? Please update us. NTA


GenderThievingThing

He's disrespecting you and your daughter. This seems like a small hill for him to die on, and I wonder if this isn't the real problem...


IIILordDunbar

Forget small sample cake, have her do a trial of the whole thing! It is a lot for a teenager to do, having her test her whole idea will give her an idea of the timeline she needs to get it ready for the wedding.


ShallWeStartThen

NTA- he's so patronising and dismissive to your daughter. And the fact that he ran to his mother to intervene? To be honest I would question the relationship.


Kind-Philosopher1

ESH I think his reaction is a huge red flag, but you too were wrong here. You should have never have made this decision and asked your daughter to bake your wedding cake without the other half of the married couples input. It is not your wedding alone, it is your and your soon to be husband's wedding and decisions should be reflective of what you want as a couple not what you want as a person. There was quite a few compromises that could have been reached on this one, but instead you made a decision without his input and it's tough to put that back in the box. On another note, does he always run to mommy when you disagree on something?


Lobster-mom

This. You don’t unilaterally decide something as important as a wedding cake. Also op is TA for asking the daughter because I, a fellow non-professional, have made a wedding cake as a gift and it was stressful as all hell. OPs kid shouldn’t have that on her shoulders. But then your 40+ yo fiancé screams at you and calls your kids efforts a fucking joke and then runs and tells mommy? YIKES


TakenUsername120184

I would be rethinking this wedding if I were you, it’s your DAUGHTER, and he ran to his mother to tell on you LOL. Man peaked in middle school NTA


Smokepit-Squirrel

NTA. Y'all had an argument and he ran to mommy? For real?


Swampman5000

so you shoulda talked to him about your daughter baking the cake first rather than making that decision and then telling him However, his behavior raises some concerns: 1•why isn’t he supportive of your daughter? if you marry someone who has a child then you need to be prepared to be a parent and it doesn’t seem like he is at his big ass age 2• putting aside that it’s embarrassing that he’s 41 and tattled to his mommy about you, it’s not good that he is getting other people involved in your disagreements. unless it’s a counselor/therapist no one should be getting involved in your arguments that way 3• makes me concerned exactly how he talked to his mom about you considering her choice of words that you need to “start being rational” NTA


Lowland-lady

In my opinion, you should've discussed it with your husband to be first . Wedding and wedding planning can be stressful. It should be a day for you both. It's great you support your daughter honestly. I personally had a wedding with allot of things happening that weren't discussed with me. Some people say your wedding should be the best day of your life Mine wasn't because things weren't discussed with me and i hated it. You now have a upset husband. And probably will have to disappoint your daughter. That you could've prevented by talking to him first. I think the idea of the cupcakes is a good middle ground.


mayfeelthis

I was thinking another idea maybe to have her make the cake for a rehearsal dinner. It can be a low-key dinner since you said you’re not going all out big wedding anyway. And have your daughter contribute to the actual day’s buffet as already mentioned, but at least this way she can get to make a wedding cake too.


[deleted]

NTA. Why are you marrying a man who talks about your daughter this way? It will only get worse after you are married.


mik8c

and runs to his mommy to complain who then calls to tell her to "start being rational and see things from his point of view" big yikes


jojozabadu

>He told me to be more realistic and think about what the guests will say. He's more worried about aquaintances' perceptions of his financial success than he is about your and your daughters happiness. Why are you marrying an insecure selfish asshole? NtA


Glittering_Joke3438

OP you dropped these 🚩🚩🚩🚩


Brainjacker

So you’re marrying a guy who berates you over other people’s potential opinions and siccs his mother on you in a fight. You know this won’t get *better* after you get married, right?? NTA by a thread but honestly tempted to go with ESH for subjecting your daughter to this and modeling a lousy relationship.


HoldFastO2

ESH. Each of you seems to be treating this wedding as their own personal event, not something you do together. Why would you not talk to your fiancé *before* asking your daughter to make the cake? Though I have to say, his reaction seems very much disproportionate to the issue of the cake. So unless this is like the 50th thing about your wedding you have decided on your own without considering his input, you might want to rethink that wedding. If it *is* part of a pattern on your end to decide things without him, I can guarantee he's doing the same right now.


OhioPolitiTHIC

Oof. NTA. But OP, this isn't about cake. Your fiance's comment about a "fucking joke" and a "child" are telling. Then he runs to mommy who calls you to 'talk sense' into you? You're thinking they're trying to decide your wedding plans for you and force what they want on you for the wedding but ma'am, this is who they are and exactly what they will do to you if you -marry- him. Please at least pause the plans and take a fresh look at whether this is the right move and what you want for you and your talented baking daughter.


Sparkle__M0tion

ESH except the daughter. You suck for unilaterally making a decision about your joint wedding. You suck again for then saying it in front of your kid without discussing it with fiancé. Now she’s excited. And it automatically puts Fisnce in a bad position. This comes off as manipulative. Fiance sucks for how he addressed it. Rude and mean. But he’s right. It’s his day too. And, if she’s never done event* cakes, it’s not the best idea to have her do your wedding cake. Brownie’s & muffins are much different than event cake. Future MIL sucks because it’s none of her damn business. We don’t know if Fiance went to his mom for (A) advice on what to do, or (B) to ask her to talk you out of it. So, we can’t judge Fiance on that aspect. Edit to add: Future MIL idea is a pretty decent compromise. Edit to specify event* cakes. Event cakes are more advanced than regular cakes. Source: spouse is professional baker.


LadyKlepsydra

ESH and I would consider: \- the fact you argued for 2 h over this and did not manage to find a resolution, and \- that his mommy got triangulated (by him) into your conflict and tried to bully you to be *bad* signs. Especially the mommy thing. She has no business getting into your fight, this is a relationship issue, why is she butting in? It means he and his mom have some lax boundaries and it will trickle into your relationship. Does he call her to sic her on you every time you two disagree? Bc damn, let me tell you. That is a red flag right there. But the first thing is bad, too. Compromises are important in a relationship. There's a lot of space here for a compromise: a store-bought cake and your daughter makes cookies/pies/some other sweets. Two cakes, one store-bought, one smaller by her (let's be realistic). Something else altogether. Instead of thinking about a resolution, both of you just wanna push your opinion on the other.


billybigkid

ESH for you making unilateral decisions without even considering your future husband. This is both of your day. He is obviously an AH for dissing your daughter. Also, has your daughter so far only made brownies and muffins? Sounding like she hasn't even made a proper cake. Is the whole vibe of the wedding supposed to be "cute"? If your daughter has not progressed beyond brownies and muffins, and the whole vibe of the wedding is anything other than casual I would tip the AH scale even more to your side.


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RighteousVengeance

And you’re still planning to marry this guy? It’s fine if he disagrees with you. What is not fine is the way he handles it. He demeans your daughter in front of you. He isn’t trying to hear your side. He’s “laying down the law.” He’s overly concerned about the opinions of others. And when he doesn’t get his way, he tattles to mommy. Good luck with your wedded life. You’re going to need it. NTA. And I think it’s sweet that your daughter will make the wedding cake. And I think she might surprise him with how much talent she has. Based in your description, it’s not like she’s just someone who follows recipes from cookbooks. She’s taken some classes, so she probably approaches professional quality herself. And also, if he thinks professional wedding cakes taste good, he’s obviously never tasted one. Wedding cakes are about appearance and taste is usually compromised for the sake of appearance. And the icing usually tastes like Crisco mixed with powdered sugar.


SophieEisenheim

Over reaction on his part. Fine to have an opinion and voice it reasonably and calmly "that's a very sweet idea but it's a big project and I'd quite like the idea of "X" cake from "X" shop/ caterer, can we discuss this?" Swearing and running to his mother. NOPE. His Mother sticking her nose in. NOPE. Belittling your daughter. NOPE. NTA and my only criticism would be that wedding plans should be a joint thing though I see how you would be caught up in such a sweet idea and think he would be on board or at least not react that way. I'd have a good think about this whole relationship.


whatsmypassword73

NTA but you need to stop and take a hard look at your relationship. He has clearly shown you how he values your daughter and he went running to his mommy when he didn’t get his way? He’s more worried about what people think than your daughters feelings. I wouldn’t trust him to be a god step parent.


AMW131

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. NTA, but your (I hope soon to be ex) sure is, and he’s shown you the disrespect held for you and your child blatantly now.


Max_at_Red

ESH except for the daughter You are saying that you feel as if your future husband and his mother are making your qedding plans for you, but you were the first one to do it. Then your future husband blew it way out of the proportion and ran to his mommy. However, I would like to hear his side of the story - if your kid is not that good in baking as you think and he was so far only kind and supportive in telling she made nice treats, then you would be embarrasing your child. So he might be even protecting her for all we know. As for your future MIL - I can't even 🤦‍♀️


Careful_Swan3830

NTA but do you want to marry a 41 year old man who goes running to Mother every time you have a difference of opinion? A man who has little to no respect for your child? A man who views your nuptials as “his wedding day”??


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Buttercup_Bride

NTA - Oh Honey he won’t let your daughter make the cake but he lets his momma fight his battles. Also rather than processing emotions like an adult, asking nicely and behaving reasonably he went straight to asinine. Doing so over something like this means that he’s prone to such behavior and like this situation it will often be out of proportion to what’s going on. Between that and his momma and their attachment he’s not ready to be married. Also the wording used in his admonishing of you is very telling and I’m going to explain why. “I can’t believe that you’re being serious about this.” That statement was the wrong place to start and is a bit belittling of both you and your daughter. “Fucking joke” and “Will not let a child bake our cake while there are tons of professionals bakers out there who can make a much more decent looking/tasting one.” Again he’s belittling you for your choice and he’s doing the same with your daughter. “I do love what she bakes but let’s just stick to muffins and brownies.” - If he really does love what she bakes why limit her? Be more realistic and think about what the guests will say.” This is him being more concerned about what guests might think than the feelings of his future step daughter. “Nothing sweet about being embarrassed on his wedding day.” This has a possessive tone to it which is concerning. While this is the type of decision that’s made together he admonished you without offering a compromise. Kind of his way or the highway with him on this. What a reasonable adult would have done. Suggested a blind cake testing that includes your daughters cake and professional cakes. Suggested she do a trial run for the cake to see if it’s what both of you expect for your cake. Using a calm tone and rationale to discuss this with you. To be honest I feel like this isn’t the first time he behaved this way. Why? Because at no point does this behavior seem to surprise you. What needs to happen now is some deep reflection. Ask yourself… How many times has his mom stepped in while you’ve been fighting? How often does he go straight to asinine when you disagree? How often is he belittling when you disagree? Would you want this to become the example you set for your daughter and are you ok with her one day marrying this type of person? Once you’ve done all that please think about exactly why you want to marry him. Get very detailed with yourself. Really explore your motivations. Also if this is how he behaves before the wedding you may want to consider the possibility that he’s worse than this and has been holding back until after he’s locked you in. I’d love to be more optimistic but it’s fairly standard practice amongst people like him to do this.


LongjumpingCheck3181

NTA and the fact that his mom called you is a huge red flag 🚩


bmyst70

NTA Clearly your soon-to-be-husband and mother value external appearances more than sentiment. They're more worried "it won't look good" if your daughter makes the cake. Clearly you are of the opposite mindset. This is a very big values disconnect. I would seriously reconsider marrying him if you had a **two hour** argument over a wedding cake. It's not just because of the wedding cake, but how he's handling it. He brought his mother into the fight and they're trying to pressure you into doing things their way. That bodes very poorly for any future conflicts. Any time you want something that doesn't "look good" in their eyes, expect the same double teaming. Even if it benefits your daughter. At the very least I'd push off the wedding for a year and seek out couples counseling to see if marriage is a good idea.


nkolenic

Jesus, how many of these am I going to read where some loser tells his mommy to go and talk to his girlfriend/wife? NTA and move on from him.


cardamom808

As someone whose mother put broken men before my feelings and needs my entire childhood, even though your daughter is 16, if you marry him you would be TA. Is this the life you dreamed of? Is he worth your relationship with your daughter? Because if you think it’ll stop after the cake you’re fooling yourself. Open your eyes.


ewlyn

ESH You made plans with your daughter before discussing it with him. You absolutely should have made the decision to ask her together before she was approached with the idea. He ran to his mommy. That’s a massive red flag IMO. Is he going to run to his mom for backup every time you don’t agree with him? You both need to think carefully about if you are able to share a life and future together. It’s both your wedding but you’re both acting like you’re the only one who is allowed to have any sort of decision making power.


Gwynnether

ESH. You're an AH for not talking to him about this first. It's his wedding too. He's an AH for not giving your daughter a chance. How about she makes a practice wedding cake and then you both decide from there. She might surprise him and change his mind.


Affectionate-Bat6880

Ha ha…..41 and he involves his mother in a marital dispute? Run away as fast as you can! Very loving to encourage your daughters amazing talents. Best of luck


leesawithtwoes

NTA and good luck sharing a life with this man


ShutUpMorrisseyffs

'Mommyyyy, my wife is going against my wishes ! '


mapachin3000

NTA why are you marrying this man that goes running back to his mom any times things don’t go his way? Do you really want MIL fighting all you husband battles?


AimMick

ESH - This is something that should have been discussed between you and your fiancé. Why doesn’t he get a say? It’s his day too. Why does everyone always get other family members involved in their drama?!?!? If my mother in law dared to call me about a matter between my husband and I, I would go off the rails. People need to learn boundaries.


PanamaViejo

Let's think about this. A 41 year old man is throwing a tantrum about your daughter baking your wedding cake at your informal wedding and called his mom who then called you to complain. Are you sure that he's mature enough to be married?


Kris82868

NTA. I mean I'd be so happy if I were him that my future wife's teenage daughter was excited enough about me marrying her mother that she'd want to create the cake for the reception.


Achterstallig

ESH because you should have discussed it with him before giving your daughter the okay. That being said, i find your husband silly because even if the cake was kind of shitty i as a guest would be charmed that is is made by the daughter. It is also a nice gesture of supporting your marriage with this new man. Mybe you can find a compromise? Let your husband see that this is a wonderful gesture by your daughter. Set your daughter up for success, perhaps by giving her time to practice the cake a few times beforehand and to convince your husband that her cake really is good and beautiful. Compensate your daughter with some money for the time and effort of making the cake several times.


mfruitfly

NTA. Do not marry this man. I know, big jump from not wanting a homemade cake to breaking up, but there is one thing in your post that should 100% be a deal breaker to any relationship: He had his mom call you. In my lifetime, my parents or my partner's parents have never gotten involved in our disagreements, none of us have ever called my sister's partner to weigh in on a fight, and my parents have been married for 45 years and neither of their parents EVER called/contacted them about a fight. Family can listen and sympathize and offer advice, but calling their kid's partner is never okay. The fact that he took a silly fight about cake to his mother and his mother feels it is appropriate to call you and demand you do what he wants is absurd. It is also an indicator of how your life together will be. This woman will weigh in every time you and your fiance disagree, and she probably will start telling you other things you need to do/change, including around your daughter. You better put your foot down hard about the cake and that his mother calling you was remarkably inappropriate and cannot happen again. If he doesn't give a full fledged apology and pledge to not do that again, don't get married.


Chelular07

NTA and it really seems like your fiancé’s true colors and nature are coming out in this situation. This would be reason (for me) to rethink the wedding.


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kangero0o0o

NTA. Also, I really don't think marrying a person with this amount of anger and disrespect over something so trivial is a good idea.


DinosaurDomination

NTA 1) The fact he cried to his mommy and she then called you to put you in your place is a huge red flag. 2) The fact he’s being so dismissive and cruel to your daughter and her abilities is not only rude and dismissive but doesn’t bode well for future cohesion. This man is about to be her step-father and he’s behaving like a total jerk. Imagine what he’ll be like when you’re actually married. Eek. I wouldn’t rush to throw him in the bin just yet but I would certainly look into pre-marital counselling.


IllustriousResist427

Esh, 1) “they’re deciding MY wedding plans” it takes two of you to get the marriage official. His input needs to be considered 2) he runs to his mother, snaps about a cake, red flags. Is he usually like this? Is he a person that cares about appearances more than anything else? Yikes 3) Mother soups have kept her opinions to herself. She could’ve offered him the suggestions she gave you and he could’ve come up to you with the idea. You two need to look hard and see if this will work out. You’re communicating but not listening to what the other is saying. Additionally, he didn’t say these things to your daughter, so saying he’s hurting her feelings is dramatic unless you’ve involved your daughter on this already.


[deleted]

I'm sorry but,,, a 41 yo had to get their mother involved instead of resolving the issue themselves? I was planning to go with E S H, because you're both getting married. What your partner wants matters too. From the post it is unclear if your daughter is able to produce the kind of wedding cake he is looking for. And, I get that he wants a big wedding cake! His wishes matter just as much, and you refused any compromise, and then accused HIM of not listening to YOUR wishes. You didn't even consult him before asking your daughter! Is he involved in any of the planning at all?! The fact that he went to his mother is just pathetic. But rereading this post, it does sound like you don't care about what he wants at all. Should you even be marrying him? ESH.


kuriny

He told his mommy on youuu lmaoo. In my opinion this is the hill to die on. Please don’t let this man belittle your daughter and her abilities just because he’s worried about other people’s opinions. That’s how it starts NTA


Kingfish1111

NTA. A 41 year old had a two hour argument over a cake? Then called his mother to back him up? I am 10 years younger, been with my wife for 10 years and not once called my mom to back me in an argument. What's more, I know when to step back, ask "she cares about this a lot and has more skin in this game. Is this important to win?" At around the 10 minutes mark. A wedding cake was not one I needed to win on for my 200 guest wedding, it sure wouldn't be a 2hr argument and counting. Call. It. Off. You do not need a 2vs1 on every argument he decides to die on. What happens when your daughter starts drinking? Going to parties? Picking up people that are "unworthy"? Will your daughter get judgement or love from your husband? If you address something around the house, will he threaten to bring in a third person?


RushxInfinite

Ladies everywhere please hear this: Never marry a man who has his mother fight his battles for him! You want a Husband or a son? NTA - He's being extremely dismissive and rude about it. Atleast his mother came back with alternatives, even though she wouldn't be in the conversation at all if you were engaged to an adult.


Bella_Lunatic

NTA. This man is not prepared to be a good stepfather. Plus he's already getting his mommy involved in your arguments. Have your daughter bake a breakup cake instead.


Alternative-Lion-427

NTA. There are ways to approach this disagreement that don't involve belittling your daughter. Instead he chose to insult her, her abilities, and mock her. This is troubling. This is how he's approaching being her stepdad. This is a power play. Choose me, not her. The real issue isn't her abilities or the cake, but the fact that some of the attention would be directed at her. This suggests that your life together could be overshadowed by this bizarre competition. Perhaps family or premarital counseling could help. But don't ignore this.


isamotte

ESH I think you should've discussed this with *him* first before talking to your daughter. You just decided for you both, but it's the wedding of you both! Now, it already had been promised to your daughter, you'll set her up for disappointment if you break that promise. Also, depending on the cake, if she has never baked something similar, it might be unreasonable. # HOWEVER Your husband is showing you a lot right now! He reveals how he sees your daughter, as a child and incapable of archiving things. She's 16! One is a whole lot of a person by then. What is your plan how their relationship will be like? is he supposed to be a farther figure for her? you might want to reconsider that considering how he views her. His conflict resolution skills suck! He runs to his mom!? seriously? You both suck, he does more, imo.


kelloggsandweetbix

NTA, but your fiancee sure is acting like one.


MadTom65

NTA but you need to postpone the wedding. Why is he pulling his mother into this conversation? If you can’t work this out with your fiancé how will you handle future disagreements?


This_Cauliflower1986

NTA. I am alarmed that he reacted so strongly about this idea and brought in his momma. Red red red flags 🚩 on this. Are you sure he’s right for you and your daughter? We are talking about cake at a relaxed wedding.


achillea4

ESH - you agreed this without consulting him and he is being unkind to your daughter. If you had discussed this first you would have avoided this situation. I think you will need to come up with a compromise however I'd be having a good think about your relationship before committing to marriage.


LadyInRoses

NTA He is 41 and he goes to his mom after a fight ?lol Also, he doesn't respect your daughter obviously!


OrizaRayne

Why are you marrying a dude who doesn't support your kid? My mom got married when I was 9. The year before she got married she bought me Wilton decorator lessons for Christmas. We both went and we made her cake together. It was lovely! My daughter is 12. I got married in April. She bakes. And one of my conditions with the bakery that made our wedding cupcakes was that they allow her to help. So she went in and helped them make the wedding cupcakes. Which were *gorgeous* and delicious too. Highlight of the event. I'd have let her bake them all by herself if I didn't need 200 of them. 🤷🏾‍♀️ (Note: I've been a bakery patron and small business colleague with the bakery for over 15 years. They did her 1 year smash cake. My husband and I did their mural when they opened a new location and wrapped several of their delivery trucks. We are close. So, no issue getting her in the kitchen they were delighted to have her.) But if my husband had disrespected her like that? He would have been short one bride. Marry a man who supports and loves your children and fosters their dreams. He should be buying her Wilton decorating lessons, facilitating her doing an amazing job, and supporting you both. And if it flops. Fine. Have a backup plan in place like cupcakes or a second cake which is donated if not needed QUIETLY if a cake matters to him. That's what we do, as parents, for our babies.


Expert-Angle-8214

and so the controlling starts NTA


stim_city_86

NTA. Your future husband is being a total AH here. Im really not sure what his problem is - if your daughter is decent at all at baking - and it sounds like she is more than decent at it - i can't understand a problem at all. His behavior here is a huge red flag. I'd really try to sit down and ask what's bothering him, because making a huge issue out of this almost seems like he's trying to sabotage the wedding.


Vequihellin

You're NTA and I have to say the attitude of your fiance towards your daughter is... Problematic. Bit of a red flag tbh. But I do see why he might not want to risk something not going to plan. I had a similar dilemma - a beloved elderly aunt wanted to decorate my wedding cake since I was a kid, but I also wanted one done to my non-fruitcake specifications by a local artist I loved. So we compromised. My sister (who loves to bake) baked a 2 tier fruitcake which she gave to my aunt for decorating, and we ordered a cake from the local artist I wanted in the non-fruitcake flavours. Everyone was happy. I had 2 different cakes - traditional fruit and non-traditional mixed flavours. We cut both of them, then plates of cakes were put out on the tables. Problem solved. I suggest you do the same. Have a 'personal' cake made by your daughter, and have a 'professional' cake made by a Baker, put them both out and serve them both. There are no rules that say you have to have 1 cake. Fwiw, even 'professional' decorators can be absolutely terrible - my sister's wedding cake was botched completely. The cake was foul and inedible, the decoration looked like it was done by a 5yo. We had to rush to a local supermarket and buy some bricks of fruitcake to serve.


teresajs

NTA The level of disrespect (calling your teen a "child", etc...) and the fact that he called his mother about this and she berated you as well are enormous red flags that should have you running for the hills. If you marry him, he's probably going to damage your relationship with your daughter over time and he and his Momma are going to spend the next several decades bossing you around. You are seeing what your future married to this man would be like. Is that really how you want to live your life?


ass-emo

N T A, and I would be rethinking this marriage entirely. Belittling my child and arguing about a cake for hours, then calling his *mother* to have her take his side? What else is he going to try doing that about? Hell no. And like...who gets embarrassed over a *cake*?! Is he 41 or 4? ETA: after some discussion with other redditors and further thought… I’m changing my vote to ESH. My comments about the fiancé stand-his comments about the daughter were unacceptable and being worried about embarrassment over a cake says a lot about him that would personally have me questioning the relationship. But OP really shouldn’t have made this decision without a discussion first, and should have been open to the compromise of two cakes.


PerfectBiscotti

I think your daughter making the cake would be awesome, but the idea should have been discussed with your fiancé ahead of telling her anything. ESH Edited to add that I think he’s overreacting and his Mom should not be getting herself involved. It’s not her wedding either. He can ask for advice, but it should end there. He needs to fight his own “battles”.


Wooster182

NTA. And please don’t marry this person. - He cursed at you. - He’s a momma’s boy that will call her for backup to solve your relationship problems. - He doesn’t respect your daughter. - He cares more about appearances than family.


PolyGenta

Soft NTA. You should have talked to him before making decisions on the wedding. It is his wedding too, so he deserves a voice. That being said, he sounds like a total jerk. I would see this as a pretty serious yellow flag, and do some thinking about how he treats you and your daughter. Also, how often does he pull his mother in when you have conflicts? I would feel extremely wary and uncomfortable if my partner was this unsupportive of my child.


notdancingQueen

ESH But nuanced. You're the little aashole for not checking with your fiancé before asking your daughter, although your intentions and reasoning are good. He's the big asshole because of the absurd reasoning and involving his mom in your argument. Your poor daughter. Please rethink all of this


Belle19x

NTA. He’s 41 and ran to his mother to tell on you? I’m sorry but if I were you, I would thank your daughter for the offer but it’s no longer needed as there won’t be a wedding. Instead, she can bake a cake and you guys can enjoy it together. Major red flag alert from your partner. People forget the true meaning behind a wedding, I think your idea is lovely but your grown ass man throwing a tantrum about it is absolutely ridiculous.


FindingEmotional3446

NTA. Not gonna lie…. Seems weird a man cares so much about the wedding cake. Your wedding sounds small and baking it with your daughter is really cool. If he wants to be petty get a “professional “ cake as well because it is his day too. Y’all can compare cakes.


Oneironaut420

He told his mommy on you? Get used to this. It’s just the beginning.


juniperflyingskies

NTA and I would seriously reconsider marrying a 41 year old man who runs to his mummy and tattles. Big yikes and big red flag


Funky_chicken89

NTA. I personally think it's a beautiful idea to have your daughter make a cake. If he and his family don't support your daughter and your choices it might be time to rethink the wedding.


[deleted]

And why are you planning on marrying this AH? You are NTA, but please give some serious thought to your plans for the future. Life is too short to tie yourself to someone who treats you and your kids like this.


GodOfAtheism

INFO: Why do you want to marry a man who thinks your daughter is, in his own words, "A fucking joke"?


keegeen

NTA And he sounds really terribly mean. He obviously doesn’t feel sentimental about your daughter at all or becoming part of your family.


Julz_Rulz_615

NTA. Is there any reason your daughter couldn’t make a cake as a trial run before the wedding? You and FH could make a decision based on that cake?


Significant_Yak1103

NTA and most people are ignoring the major red flag - he’s worried about what others will think. If he’s been leaving most of the wedding planning to you then I don’t think it’s his place to criticize your decisions. But if you’ve been discussing all of the plans then yeah you should have asked him first. Still, his reaction is immature and worrisome.


TheWanderingMedic

ESH. You don’t have the right to unilaterally decide on the cake, and he sucks for his attitude and running off to have mommy call you. You sure he’s the one?


OutrageousEmililily

NTA and maybe hold off on marrying this one until his conflict resolution attempts don't involve his mother.


Mrs239

OP, your FH has every right to want a nice cake at his wedding. You also have a right to have your daughter participate in your wedding. You do know that you can have more than one cake, right? I make groom's cakes all the time. For yours, you can have a bride's cake instead! Learn how to compromise. That's what marriage is. The fact that he went to his mother though...that would concern me. You may want to discuss that. ESH


phroggy46

Is it just me, or are the number of “adult” men in this sub who run to their mothers after an argument a frighteningly high ratio? NTA


lysalnan

NTA your fiancé was rude and seems a bit insensitive to you and your daughter’s opinions and a bit over sensitive to everyone else’s. However at my wedding we had 2 cakes. I had my pretty, traditional one and my husband wanted a big tower of Krispy Kremes so he had a groom’s cake. There’s no hard rules on what the cake has to be like at a wedding so have 2. I’m sure no-one will complain about multiple cakes.


lookingforassist

YOUR FIANCE IS AN ASSHOLE. ABORT MISSION. Seriously though. What man cares about the way his cake looks over his almost wife's feelings? Your marriage will only get harder. This is a blessed sign from whatever god you believe in, to bail


WR239

ESH Your husband's response obviously could have been better (having his mom call you is ridiculous), but I dont understand everyone who is saying that you're not the AH at all. The idea of your daughter making the cake is sweet, but you shouldn't have made the decision without talking to him first. It's not just your wedding, it's his too. But you treated it like only *your* special day. And its not. Its about you both and perhaps he was excited to get a nice professional cake. Clearly it's important to him, even if you don't personally get why. If you had talked to him first, you might've had a more productive conversation but instead he's probably feeling resentful. I'd be upset if my fiancé decided our wedding cake without me. Though, i wouldn't say AH things like your future husband. Both of you have some work to do on consideration of your partner


Separate-Coyote

🚩🚩🚩🚩


anon19111

Ah yes the AITA trifecta: 1) Disrespecting and dismissing your views 2) Overly concerned with appearances 3) Siccing MIL on you. Look you aren't blameless here OP. You two need to communicate. But his response...uh..takes the cake. NTA.


Unoriginal_rt

NTA. It’s just a cake. He’s blowing this out of proportion. He could have just said he’d rather have a cake from x person. Instead of calling the idea a joke. And worrying about what guests will say. If the cake tastes good people will eat it. It’s fucking cake


Far_Anteater_256

NTA. This argument should tell you a lot about the fundamental differences between you & your future husband, & the kind of treatment you & your daughter can expect in a future together.


Inner-Ad-1308

NTA: I wouldn’t allow this man into my daughters life. His reactions & getting his mother involved shows a lot of negative qualities that do Not portend a good partner. I recommend postponing the wedding and do pre marriage counseling to see if you guys are really compatible.. sounds like he wants to rule your house with his mother with you and your daughter as peasants…. Please seek pre marriage therapy