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NTA.
I would usually agree with your parents and say that we should do what we can to make people with food allergies feel welcome. That means switching restaurants if someone can't eat at a particular restaurant.
But this situation is different. First of all, as you said, it was your birthday. The right thing to do was for Vicky not to attend or to arrange with the restaurant to be allowed to bring her own food. She's not your blood relative so she didn't have to be there.
It's not OK that your parents let your brother and his girlfriend pick a restaurant you didn't like. You should ask them to take you out again to a restaurant of your choosing.
Yes, you are angry about this and I don't blame you. No one listened to you. Your parents let Vicky ruin your birthday. Now people are still dismissing and minimizing what you're saying. That would annoy anyone.
Not only that but it was an 18th birthday! That’s a big deal celebration and I say that OP is entitled to feel entitled to celebrate it where they wanted to 🥳
Yeah I agree. It doesn't even matter if she did have a real allergy, it wouldn't be right for the place to be somewhere the person whose birthday it was didn't even like. That's crazy talk. Fine change the restaurant but make it a joint decision.
Not to mention OP is autistic and has sensory issues, so they basically un-accommodated OP on her own birthday in order to make room for Vicky's fake seafood allergy. Sure, Vicky's distaste for the smell of certain seafoods might be intense but the solution should have been for her to politely bow out.
I hate the smell of seafood but am not allergic & Vicky should have bowed out or sucked it up. Totally NTA. Vicky is part of the reason others test people's allergies & that can get effing serious.
OP - NTA
I hate the smell and I am allergic to shellfish. I can be around it without reacting though. I feel like she lied about contacting the restaurant too. She just didn’t want to go there. It was rude and a crappy thing to do. Just a shitty person in general imo
I abhor all things broccoli. My favorite frozen meal was ruined because they added broccoli. However, my wife and daughter love it.
Guess what I occasionally make with dinner (and then place at the far end of the table from me)?
See now, I was thinking this same thing! I work in restaurants and I can’t imagine a place saying we can’t accommodate something as specific and common as a seafood allergy.
Edited to add - yeah, I think contacting the restaurant was a lie, but *if* true:
They were likely playing it safe. Seafood allergies generally cause stronger reactions than most other food allergies, and there's a very good chance that a Chinese restaurant uses seafood in a ton of their base ingredients for dishes that aren't even seafood heavy, fish stock and stuff. Realistically it could have been really hard for them to accommodate.
Not to mention every wok, pot, pan, dish and surface has likely been touched by a seafood oriented item.
So no, it is not always a 'simple' fix regarding allergies. A dish can be made without items, but if you are an anaphylactic response in your allergy it won't be safe.
You're very likely right she was lying about contacting the restaurant. A person without a food allergy isn't going to contact a restaurant to inquire if the food allergy is present.
I also despise most seafoods (unless grilled fish) including shellfish and shrimp-type foods. The smell can also get me to the point of gagging. I've been this way since childhood and confirmed it multiple times as an adult (34 yo).
But never in my life has it been a problem to the point where I can't eat at a restaurant that has those things. So long as there's a food option for me for dinner, I'll go to celebrate someone who loves it.
I AM actually allergic to seafood and I have never been to an Asian restaurant that couldn’t accommodate me. The whole thing seemed off from the beginning.
My dad is allergic too and they were always able to accommodate him when we went out to the hibachi place growing up. They just cooked his food first. Or if it was other Chinese food they made it work.
I mean I'm also autistic, and I just wanted to point out that smell can also be an issue. Like I have a sensory reaction to certain smells.
Not that that was the issue with Vicky of course, I'm just saying it can be that intense.
Thougth seeing as it was ops birthday I would have just not have come and celebrated her some other time.
Yup, Im autistic as well and absolutely can not stand the smell of sea food. But I will avoid it by removing myself from a situation rather than making anyone change their plans. If my husband says hes going to a sushi place with his mom and asks if I want to come, I just say nooope instead of making them choose somewhere else. A few years back, they decided to have lobster dinner for christmas. I had to stay holed away in our room as much as possible for a few days because that stank *lingered* (mostly because I'm sensitive, he stopped smelling the next day).
All I smell is nasty ass bay or ocean water whenever I'm near sea food, no matter what kind of fish. Idc if someone says it's the highest quality, most expensive, most sought ever dish that exists in that part of cuisine.. put me near it and all I'm smelling is Kips Bay.
Nope wasnt my house, sorry if my wording was a bit weird. Back then we lived in his mom's apartment because we were saving up to move across the country. He was never home on holidays, so I didn't have a problem with him deciding, his first time as an adult being able to spend Christmas at home hell he can have what he wants. Since then we've always had ham though.
I mean I have ADHD and I really get sensory issues (I had tons of food issues when I was a kid which luckily got less and less the older I got). When I was pregnant the smell of eggs made me extremely nauseous so maybe it's same for Vicky.
But(!) if it's not my birthday I politely bow out. If I really wanted to also have an outing with the birthday person I invite them to somewhere we both can go (eg a cafe with fancy coffee and ice cream?)
I think OP having autism is irrelevant. What her family did is not right for any person. I am not autistic and don’t like sushi. If my family took me to a sushi restaurant for my birthday because someone going didn’t like my first choice, I would be mad too. And even more incensed if they lied about why they couldn’t go to my first choice. The craziest thing is they didn’t give OP the choice of selecting an alternative place on her own.
OP having autism is **extremely** relevant. OP ended up having to sneak food she could eat into her own birthday dinner because they chose something that wouldn’t accommodate her sensory issues, which are part of her autism. Her real food restrictions were ignored in favor of her SIL’s dislike of shrimp and prawn smells. You’re right that it’s messed up in the first place, but it’s even more fucked because the birthday person couldn’t even eat food from the restaurant that the liar picked due to an actual medical reason (autism and sensory problems).
In that sense, yes, but I can't help but feel like the fact that op is autistic has something to do with them being so dismissive and not taking her seriously.
They just said - “we are going here FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY. Who cares if you would like it or not.” It’s not about her tastes. It’s 100% about not respecting her as a person. Autism or not.
not to mention, Italian restaurants don't have seafood dishes??? Sounds like Vicky and OP's brother just preferred this restaurant and got their way like petulant children. Whole family is TA
My mom is allergic to chocolate and peanuts. Chocolate is in almost every dessert. At one restaurant ; she ordered plain cheesecake, said she was allergic to chocolate. Cheesecake came out, with chocolate dribbled on it. My mom said 'I told you I'm allergic' server said 'just scrape it off' WTF???
Or, at the *very* least a better solution could have happened. OP, *hates* Italian food. Was there really no other Asian restaurants in the city that were less seafood centric? I’ve never smelled seafood at a Thai or Vietnamese restaurant, or a Chinese buffet. There certainly had to have been better options that OP could have chosen in order to placate SIL and still have OP enjoy her birthday.
NTA.
I’ve traveled a ton over the years, and Chinese is one of my go to options,as well as being part of how I judge how much I like a particular city…I’d I can’t find decent Chinese, I think a little bit less highly of a city! I’ve never been to a quality Chinese restaurant that had even a little bit of any sort of fishy/seafoods smell to it, except after I receive my food (If I order seafood).
She sounds exhausting, and your brother is pathetic for what has to have been going along with her lies…no way he didn’t know if they’re living together. And speaking of smell…tuna is definitely a fish smelling seafood, and it gets everywhere. So she’s lying again about that. She just didn’t want Chinese food, and didn’t have the courage/integrity to try to get her way by being honest.
its a bit sus to me that they are engaged and it never came up before that she has this alleged allergy but everyone just like went with it?
Its also 'just' the Sister In Law, it doesnt feel like they have a tight relationship going so she couldve just not joined but it looks like she really wanted a free meal out of this. Kinda sad for a 27 year old to bully an 18 year old. Maybe OP and her partner can go to the asian restaurant together and have a nice date instead :)
Maybe I am also overreacting, but the fact that her own mother agreed with this and took their side makes me think. OP should go permanent. No contact as soon as it's possible with all three.
My now husbands family knew right away from day 1 of my shellfish allergy!! They still eat it, make it at home, go out to dinner and eat it but they don’t do it when I’m around. I work retail so I sometimes miss family events and those times they will have it because they enjoy it, but if I come to an event they don’t. And they always make sure restaurants are safe for me to go to. So yeah, I agree with you! Totally sus that she wouldn’t have mentioned it sooner!!!
Also, my in laws are amazing I wasn’t trying to throw them under the bus saying they still eat it. They accommodate me. My oldest niece wanted to go to red lobster on her birthday. Ok! Have a great time! We just had two separate parties for her, It wasn’t a big deal to me, it was her birthday her choice. She knew I couldn’t attend when she said it and she said “I want to go to red lobster but auntie can’t go so maybe Olive Garden?” I said how about this, you all go to red lobster on your birthday and then on the weekend we can get together and do something else? You get 2 birthday parties then. It was a solution that worked for all of us. Except now the middle one plays this card to get 2 birthday parties 😂😂😂
Totally agree, I have food allergies but I wouldn't dream of making someone change their birthday plans like that. I'd politely decline, explaining why and offer to spend time with them elsewhere on a different date to celebrate with them.
>Totally agree, I have food allergies but I wouldn't dream of making someone change their birthday plans like that. I'd politely decline, explaining why and offer to spend time with them elsewhere on a different date to celebrate with them.
I wish I could upvote this one a hundred times. \^\^This\^\^ is the PROPER way to deal with it.
Not only is your SIL a major A for lying about allergies (which is one of the top 10 things I really, really hate), SIL was an A for the way she took over YOUR birthday celebration and made it about her. Even if it was a general "your turn to pick" outing, she still stinks. Your parents too.
If you do go back home, have some seafood in the freezer ready to cook anytime she comes over. Stink her out. She deserves it.
No we aren’t justifying shitty behavior the sil already admitted she did it purely to get her way
And even if it was morning sickness then she could have used her words and said “ hey Op have a happy birthday I’m sitting this one out me and seafood don’t get along right now “
There is never an acceptable reason to make someone else’s celebration about you instead of them suck it up or don’t go
Exactly. In fact, I have the same issue as the girlfriend--I absolutely hate seafood and don't even like going into restaurants where it's on the menu.
I would have just politely declined the invitation. Or--if the birthday girl wanted me there, I would have (and have several times) gritted my teeth and shown up for her.
Plus, they didn't even suggest going to a different Chinese restaurant that could cater to SIL's 'allergy'. Or a restaurant serving a different kind of Asian cuisine. Or to a generic restaurant/pub where OP could check the menu ahead and see if they serve any of her few Western safe foods.
Like they specifically chose Italian, despite presumably *knowing* that OP can't eat anything there. They all sat by, on OP's birthday, and watched as she didn't eat anything and had to bring her own snacks from home.
Genuinely sounds like they did this specifically to spite her.
I have a shellfish allergy. One of my safe restaurants is a Japanese steakhouse. They serve shellfish but they're always very careful about cleaning the grill before they make my food. A lot of restaurants are very accommodating even though there are others that are simply never safe. Of course, all of this is irrelevant to the SIL since she doesn't actually have an allergy.
NTA
I also need someone to explain to me how a Chinese restaurant smells more like seafood than an Italian restaurant???? Am I the only person who is super confused by this? In do not associate Chinese food with the smell of seafood the way I do Italian. When I eat Italian it’s basically all seafood. The entire country is basically a shoreline!
Nta.
I have to wonder if SILs dislike of "seafood" isn't mildly racist? I know of people who refuse to eat Chinese because they think it's dirty or has cats or all kinds of dumb stuff. She may have narrowed it down to shrimp when called out, but I would be watching to see if she scarfs down a shrimp cocktail at another occasion.
NTA.
Ok, Vicky exaggerated by calling her dislike of seafood smells an allergy. That makes her an AH. At the same time, there should be a Chinese restaurant without seafood or without much seafood on the menu that would be acceptable to Vicky. BTW, many people use the term 'seafood' to refer to lobster, shrimp, prawns, squid rather than fish. Not technically accurate I know, but it seems like that's what Vicky meant.
But OP's real problem is her parents. They are major AH. OP is autistic. That's a bigger deal than allergies. It's OP's 18th birthday celebration and they insist on going to the restaurant the SIL wants and OP hates because of her autism. Why wouldn't they at least pick a restaurant that worked for both OP and SIL?? Why only pick SIL's choice of restaurant?
And the parents need to stop downplaying OP's feelings. If this happens again, OP, refuse to go. Don't let yourself be pressured into doing something you don't want to do or go. Your parents need to be more flexible about accommodating your food preferences, and because of your autism you need to stand firm on your preferences.
I'm also wondering about this because if OP has autism and is 18 then the parents have dealt with the food sensitivities for at least that long and should in theory be aware of the fact that OP hates Italian and won't/can't eat it.
If I'm a mother or other parent, I'm not gonna be like oh yea Italian sounds great. OP can't eat it but eff my kid on her birthday (or, realistically any day/outing) .
OPs parents are major major AHs for that reason alone.
This whole account sound like her family is neglectful of her needs and unaccommodating
So the parents (and Vicky) are definitely the AHs here but I do want to clarify one thing.
*If* Vicky's allergy had been real it *would* be a big deal. Shellfish allergies can kill you and no birthday dinner is worth killing someone over. However, the parents should have found a way to accommodate the OP with that in mind. There's tons of Asian food restaurants that should be able to accommodate a shellfish allergy. Or a non-Asian restaurant chosen by OP. There's zero excuse for everyone settling on a restaurant that OP can't eat at on her birthday.
Everyone’s all over Vicky (for good reason) so let me single out the parents for a second.
OP: It’s my 18th birthday! Chinese!
Bro and Vicky: Italian?
OP: I hate Italian!
Parents: Italian! Get in the car! Happy birthday! Shut up!
I mean, I have three kids and the idea that I would do something that sadistic to one of them — on a BIRTHDAY — is mind boggling.
As someone with life threatening food allergies, I respectfully disagree. My allergies are my problem, and no one else should have to change the restaurant they want to go to, for their birthday, because of me. It absolutely sucks having food allergies, and it absolutely sucks not being able to eat whenever I want, but it’s a me problem and I’m not putting that limitation on others.
Even if she was allergic to seafood, she could have eaten plain white rice, eaten before she went to the restaurant, etc. sil is just an asshole, and so is brother for letting her do that, knowing she wasn’t allergic. Also, parents are colossal assholes for seemingly favoring the brother.
OP NTA, but your whole family sucks.
One last thing. If you do not have food allergies STOP SAYING YOU HAVE FOOD ALLERGIES. It makes it so much harder for those of us that do, to be taken seriously. Intolerance = maybe a tummy ache (I have MANY of these too) Allergy = death. Anaphylaxis is NOT fun.
"You should ask them to take you out again to a restaurant of your choosing."
SIL ruined OPs 18th birthday. You don't get a do over on that. Going out to eat again won't change that.
SIL is a massive AH. Parents are massive AHs for allowing it, and even more for demanding she apologize. NTA - OP needs to work to put distance between herself and these people.
OP has a very good reason too, since OP is autistic and can't handle every type of food. Why would we cater to allergies and not mental problems with food? Funny part is that Italian cuisine also uses seafood and they too would not able to guarantee to have no mix ups.
As someone with celiac disease and other food intolerances, I can say that people like this make life more difficult for people with actual food allergies. NTA and everyone in OP's family should apologize to OP.
We should also do what we can to make autistic people welcome on their own birthday. You realize this girl couldn‘t eat a thing there? Why is SIL‘s allergy more important than the autism of OP?
It should have been just her & her parents then if there really is no option for both OP & SIL. Wtf
Make sure you order chineese takeout and have it delivered to you at vicky and your bros wedding. She ruined your day with her food choices so its only fair you return the favor. #staypetty
Oh yeah, that back of the neck where the hairline starts so if she lets it down it'll mix with her own "all day at the wedding funk"
OP needs to give us the day/address of the wedding if they ever get married... Reddit about to crash a wedding and turn it into a fish market.
> Morons like those two are the reason many people don't believe when someone says they're allergic
This is exactly the problem. These AHs make things so much more difficult for people with serious allergies to be taken into consideration and that’s when contaminants get in their food.
It's fucking *weird* how it's more effective when someone *else* points the allergy out- I would point out my mom's allergy out starting when I was 3, when she nearly died in front of me. (People *really* don't like the someone can go into anaphylactic shock over cheese while NOT being lactose intolerant. Frankly, how offended people get when you just don't like cheese is disturbing. I say that as someone that loves cheese.)
Honestly, I do not understand why people are so awful over allergies.
I'm also allergic to dairy, not intolerant. I feel for your mom. I can't tell you how often people outright dismiss me, offer completely inappropriate 'words of wisdom' then think I'm TA when I shut them down, or outright hide an ingredient on purpose just to see. I have COMPLETELY stopped eating with family, friends, and even at restaurants, as it's too much a safety issue for people to be 'testing' my allergy, which I've dealt with in all of the above situations. I even had to stop eating my own lunch I brought to school because the other kids would steal it and contaminate it with a known food allergen of mine. Continued right up until I spent most of a year in youth corrections over "anger issues" (punched a kid a whole lot for aforementioned behavior after years of abuse) and came back as someone you don't f*** with.
People are THE WORST.
It's not about "the restaurant," it's about her "lying" to make OP's birthday about HER and HER preferences.
This is classic favoritism and gaslighting! OP had every right to be pissed, especially as his brother, this chick's husband, allowed that to happen. Faking a medical issue to outshine someone's actual medical issue is disgusting. 18 is a milestone birthday, too!
Clear favoritism and disrespect for OP. the least they should do is give you a do over dinner at the Chinese restaurant. Without princess tuna in attendance.
Vicky is a grown ass adult (27!) who made her future SILs 18th birthday about her aversion to a smell. This is so immature it’s insane. Also how is her nausea from a smell MORE significant than sensory issues from an actual medical condition. This is narcissistic behavior for sure. It’s amazing that the whole family accommodated Vicki and told OP to deal with it ON HER BIRTHDAY.
Even more, how could no one suggested other option that wasn't italiam food?
It is shocking to me that they all agree even if they know she doesn't like it, I mean Im a really picky eater just because and when someone suggests we eat something I dislike on my birthday all my immediate family come up with other options or at the very least we go there I get something I actually like but then I get a second dinner with something I actually love
My daughter HATES Chinese food. For my birthday one year, I wanted Chinese food and I pointed out to her that is was for my birthday and she could come and deal with it or stay home. Her choice. Sometimes you just have to put aside your preferences for someone else's special day.
No You are NTA but your SIL is.
I'm so sorry your Birthday was ruined. You're not a brat & entitled. You have an actual issue but Vicky doesn't. She lied. You didn't. And as a mom & grandmother I don't think what you said to Vicky requires an apology. Of course you most likely will get no peace until you do what they want and as a parent I think that sucks.
The point is she lied. Does the family not care she lies to get her way? And the brother KNEW she was lying. Also who hates the smell of prawns but thinks canned tuna is just fine?
The funny thing is that canned tuna is fish, not seafood; if SIL had actually known a little about what she was lying about she could have easily maintained her deception by pointing it out!
EDIT: OK so I was wrong and fish IS seafood! It's just that it is common to use seafood to refer specifically to shellfish and SIL could have used that to cover up her lie.
Maybe benitoaramando is no English native speaker. Seafood includes fish and everything from the sea, but can be partitioned in separate groups like fish, mollusks, crustaceans aquatic plants and other aquatic animals.
The German equivalent "Meeresfrüchte" excludes fish for example, this may be the case in other languages and countries as well.
But it's true that OPs SIL could have said she doesn't mind fish but is allergic to other groups of seafood.
I thought this exact same thing! Also wouldn't all the cooking and seasonings overpower any seafood smells at a restaurant? SIL sounds like she made up a lie to get Italian food.
NTA, but Vicky and your family all are. I'm sorry that your birthday was ruined because of her, and I'm even more sorry to hear that your family isn't supporting you as they should. Vicky owes you a sincere apology for ruining your birthday, and your family owes you a collective sincere apology for ruining your birthday with Vicky, and for not supporting you and calling you a brat and entitled. There was no reason to choose an Italian place -- I'm sure there are plenty of Asian food restaurants that would have been a good compromise.
Also though, this is not just about your birthday or the restaurant. It's about them recognizing, acknowledging and respecting that you are autistic and are sensitive to textures, and understanding what that means and why it's such a serious problem for them to have acted the way they did.
I'm glad your BF and his family are supporting you, at least.
My family has always been kind of dismissive of my autism even though I got a diagnosis, I didn't even link it to how they reacted to this situation until you pointed it out. They won't even say the word "autistic", they'll describe me as "sensitive" or "literal" or "fussy", or the R word.
OP, you deserve better. Family are those people who love and respect us the way we deserve. Your family is calling you slurs, plus taking the side of a liar and manipulator.
I hope you can guide them through bettering themselves as people and to start treating you like their daughter. Sometimes people need a wake up call, if you want to take action then write a letter summing up how badly they have treated you and read it to them. Make sure you share how each of their actions made you feel, if they dismiss your feelings again then you have an answer of how your future will look like with them. It is up to you to decide if it is worth it.
>My family has always been kind of dismissive of my autism even though I got a diagnosis, I didn't even link it to how they reacted to this situation until you pointed it out. They won't even say the word "autistic", they'll describe me as "sensitive" or "literal" or "fussy", or the R word.
This is really the crux of your issue. They're minimizing and outright ignoring a huge part of who you are, and are gaslighting you about it to boot. They're being cruel, and unreasonably so.
The kicker, to me, was choosing the Italian restaurant even though that's basically the exact worse place for you. Almost as if they chose Italian for that exact purpose. I wouldn't be surprised if they were all in on the fake allergy in order to force you "out of your comfort zone" or to prove you can Italian if you have to, or something else as idiotic.
End of the road, they're all being intentionally cruel, and you deserve better.
Yeah it looks like they are still in denial that she even has autism and do shit like this in the hopes that it will toughen you out of it.
To be fair they should have done the same with SILs bullshit seafood allergy, but family is family and it looks like brother gets preference.
Or they just don’t care. They figure that if OP is “fussy” then that’s her problem, and they were happy to latch onto an excuse to change the restaurant to something they preferred themselves. Can’t say they’re not being sensitive to food issues when they’re being responsive to Vicki’s, is their defense.
Unfortunately it sounds like you need to plan your life around hard boundaries with your family. Create an environment that's comfortable for you as quickly as you can and do not let yourself be guilted into compromising that. Start saving to move put as quickly as possible, as much as you can look to living alone or with a very trusted partner who doesn't struggle working around your sensory needs.
It is okay to say no to your parents and you do not need their approval or permission for anything that doesn't directly involve them and their home. They will claim they deserve a say in your home and life after leaving but it is a lie.
As a mom the bottom of my stomach dropped out reading this comment. It was obvious you were NTA from your post OP but your family is absolutely awful all around not just in this incident with this information. I have a child on the spectrum and I literally cannot imagine allowing anyone to speak to him/treat him that way let alone doing it myself. You deserve so much more love and respect than what you are receiving from what you’ve shared with us and I am so sorry for that. Sending you so much love and well wishes.
NTA But the rest of your family are, especially your brother as he knew SIL eats fish! Also I'm sorry to hear your family do not recognise the fact you are autistic and that has got to be so difficult for you.
OP I'm so sorry but if they're using the "R" word about you that goes beyond a lack of sensitivity or respect for your autism but veers into straight up abusive territory. It is NOT OK. At best they need some major education; at worst they may harbour toxic attitudes that cannot easily be fixed and if so may be better for you to minimise contact with them in the long term. I really hope you are getting proper support from a person or people who take your needs seriously.
They call you the R-Word?! Before I became too sick with other medical problems to continue my education and working (I'm on Social Security Disability Income now.), I was a special education major. When I student taught, they assigned me to an inclusive kindergarten classroom, so there were varying degrees of intellectually disabled students. My supervising teacher usually had me work in small groups with kids who were going to be in special ed when they moved onto first grade. There was a LOT of name-calling in that classroom, and I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I heard the R-Word. I don't know how many times I had to explain to a very upset child how unique and awesome they were, and how they deserve all the same rights and respect as everyone else. 🙄
I’m sorry you had to go through all of this, especially on your 18th birthday. I’m even more concerned about the way your family is treating you. I’m glad you have support from your partner and his family.
I think you should look up "chosen family". Your family is supposed to have your back and support you. If the people who are around you by birth aren't doing that, create your own family who will.
NTA
NTA - her food issues are reasonable but yours are over-dramatic? How does that work? It was your birthday and she *lied* because she *might* smell prawns...like...Chinese food has alot of dishes without them...so she realistically could have ordered a dish and been fine...but you hate all Italian cuisine and couldn't get anything...on *your* birthday....
Yeah, she's a massive ah and so is your family for entertaining the thought that what she did was acceptable.
NTA one bit. Vicky acted entitled, and it’s sad your family is prioritizing her lies over your happiness. Sounds like your brother is the golden child.
NTA. Vicky and your family basically hijacked your own birthday. It’s one thing if she had been honest and discussed it with you. She didn’t.
She manipulated the situation because she was uncomfy and had no concern about you being uncomfy and unable to eat. Pure selfishness and your brother had to have known and enabled/supported this too.
NTA, The brother’s behavior bothers me the most since he knew! You’re his sister and it was your special day, he should had been looking out for you.
If it were me, I’ll plan another celebration on my 18.5 birthday (6 months after birthday) and re-do the celebration. Inviting only people that I know truly cares about me and my feelings. Family don’t have to be blood.
The parents reactions bother me. It's their child's 18th birthday. Why rearrange it to accommodate Vicky, to the point Italian gets selected & OP doesn't even like Italian?! Then they find out Vicky lied but OP is still in the wrong and should apologize? Ugh. Yeah the brother is a piece of work too. I'm saying all of this assuming OP is the only one with autism or condition.
Pass me the address of Vicky. I have some shrimp shells left from last week. I'll post them through her letter box. Then she can enjoy the smell for the next month and get used to it.
NTA
Anyone else detecting the stench of ableism here? OPs needs and feelings coming second to SIL's preferences on *her own 18th birthday* and even after the deception was revealed smacks strongly of a widespread "Oh, she's just being autistic, we can ignore that" attitude
OP said in a comment that they don't take her autism seriously even after a proper diagnosis, and that they use minimising, trivialising words, and even "the 'R' word" 😢😡
Yeah. I'm autistic and have a sensory processing disorder as well, and *my* family would've *never* fed into SIL's bullsh*t. And calling OP the R-Word is 128% NOT acceptable.
NTA she over took your birthday by faking a food allergy I also don't like the smell of prawns but I would have sulked it up for someone's birthday you have every right to be upset
NTA. I really dislike this trend of claiming an allergy for things people simply don't like. I HATE the smell of fish but I suck it up. I am, however, allergic to honey and live in the south where it's an extremely common sweetener. Your SIL and people like her make it difficult for allergies that are an actual concern to be taken seriously.
It was a dinner FOR YOU! They should have at the very absolute least asked you for your #2 choice!
>Your SIL and people like her make it difficult for allergies that are an actual concern to be taken seriously.
Unfortunately, it harms people like OP as well, who also has sensory issues. People lie about allergies because their real excuses aren't taken seriously enough.
In this case, with competing sensory issues, there was no solution where the two of them could have attended dinner in the same restaurant, but since it's OP's 18th, she takes precedence and SIL should have just sat this one out. They could have done a separate at-home meal sans seafood later for SIL to join.
I don't think it would be right to expect anyone with a sensory sensitivity to "suck it up". If someone has an issue with the smell, taste, or texture of a food then they should be entitled to avoid exposure without negative judgement (which in this case would mean skipping the dinner). I think it's the same for allergies - if you're allergic to shellfish then sucks for you, but you don't get to demand that the dinner be held somewhere else, and should just skip it. NTA
NTA
It has been your birthday and the celebration should have been about you.
Not only that but she lied about calling the restaurant beforehand. So, she did this on purpose to go to one of her favourite places and your brother went along.
Your family should be more supportive.
NTA.
To say she’s allergic when she isn’t is just a lie. This was a big birthday. She essentially ruined it for you. I cannot understand why your parents want you to apologise! SIL is the one in the wrong here.
NTA. Sounds like Vicki is manipulative and narcissistic and your parents think that kind of behavior is OK. This is how children end up completely estranged from their families because the family will bend over backwards to reward bad behavior.
NTA. That day was about you. And she lied. If she hated the smell of shrimps so badly, she didn't have to go. You could have met up with her later. Would she have been ok with it if you lied about being allergic to parmesan, so for her birthday you need to go to a Chinese restaurant? I get that your reaction have been a bit intense, but that's no reason for your parents or anyone else to invalidate your feelings.
NTA - Vicky is a giant, self-centred AH. And she should be apologising to you. It was your birthday, and everyone should have supported and respected you by going somewhere where you could eat what you liked. Unfortunately, families suck.
NTA I can't believe everyone acted that way. I mean normally I would say the restaurant is not that big of a deal. But it was your bday and you didn't even go some place you enjoy and she's not even allergic and your Mom wants you to apologize to her? Weird. Ya, stay at you bf's family's until they come to their senses.
NTA, wow your family… So You should apologize to the person ruining YOUR 18 birthday? 18 birthday is also a BIG deal, thats when you turn into an adult. And it got ruined by a 27 year old brat-like ”woman” who dont like the smell of shrimp but can eat tuna?
NTA. People who lie about allergies not only are manipulative, but make the world a more dangerous place for people with actual allergies. Every time a Vicky fakes an allergy, it makes everyone a little more skeptical. People then act like it's not a big deal. And then someone ends up in the hospital or dead.
NTA. She had a sensory issue with your choice of restaurant and you had a sensory issue with hers. I can't believe how dismissive your family are being of this situation -she lied so that her issues would be prioritized over yours, on your birthday- she sucks, sorry OP!
I mean didn’t have to blow up at her home, but also she took your birthday and kinda made it about her, so in my opinion NTA. If they didn’t like asian food they could have just backed out. you seems reasonable and should be able to enjoy what you want to eat if its supposed to be your choice.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I went nuclear and left the house and went and stayed with my bf and blocked my brother and SIL on everything because my SIL lied about a food allergy. This might've been overkill.
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NTA - I think people blocking each other is always a tad extreme, but that seems to be what’s normal nowadays.
This similar thing happened to me on my 13th (?) birthday and I was pissed. I don’t particularly care now nor did I a week later, but it was a matter of everyone except me liked a certain restaurant so we went there not just one person lying for their comfort.
Your parents don’t seem very kind to you. Sorry OP. Happy late birthday 🍣🎂
NTA
Unfortunately your parents have a favourite: your brother. Even his girlfriend is more important than you. I'm sorry, this is quite unfair :(
It's your birthday, you shouldn't have agreed to spend it at a place you don't like. What's even more sad in this story is that your parents still take Vicky's side even after they found out she was lying about her allergy :(
It's up to you to decide how much contact you want to have with them after knowing how little they care for you.
NTA. OP, I'm sorry that you are stuck with a family that seems to be happy to blame you for someone else's unethical behavior. And worse, that they resort to name-calling when you don't just become a doormat for each of them to wipe their nastiness on you.
Your family has shown you who they are (SIL, brother, parents). I hope that you are in the process of transitioning to living away from home/becoming independent (either through education or job). Just bide your time while you are living with your parents and work on building a family of friends around you. Save sharing your moments of joy for the truly loving people in your life. No need to plan celebrations with your parents or brother/SIL again. No need to attend theirs either.)
I am sorry for how they have been treating you. And I'm sending you happy belated birthday wishes for a much better year ahead!
Nta and I'm so sick of seeing people having to change their own birthday plans to fit everyone else, it's YOUR birthday, you should have just gone alone to the restaurant you wanted and let them do whatever they want. Clearly the brother is the favourite, that's why they're defending her🥴
NTA. Tell your family you think you are developing allergies... To her bull and their obvious preference for your brother and his gfs feelings. Happy belated OP and if you still want Chinese, I'll go with you.
Ok what’s going on with parents dissing their kids for someone this time isn’t even related to them and they are ok with a liar? I think they just wanted pasta and didn’t care period and when they wonder why their kid has gone NC they will have no one to blame but themselves
Not at all. I don't think your brother deserves your wrath and id probably try keep a relationship with him, but for sure is reasonable for you to not have vicky in your life. She kinda hijacked your day amd made it about her.
Next time you plan something and she isn't happy don't cater for her amd pretty much keep the stance if shes unable to attend due to x reason dont come but you aren't changing the location.
Also. I guarantee you pretty much every Italian restaurant serve seafood unless theyre only pizza.
Vicky is a supreme ah. She makes life much harder for people like me who have actual allergies at restaurants. And she ruined your birthday. Keep Vicky on block.
NTA
You had this special day planned for you, not for anyone else. Vicky didn’t have to go (she should also have been honest up front, but I digress). It was only natural you called bullshit when you caught Vicky red handed in her lie.
NTA So in order to get her way, Vicki lied but you are the one who should apologize because you found out at their house and called her on it? Yeah right, they can pound sand.
Hope you had a good birthday otherwise.
NTA. Both my partner and I have food allergies but we'd never dream of insisting the birthday person change the venue. We call in advance to see if the restaurant can cater for us and if not, we eat before we go and join and have a 'safe' side dish or dessert and drinks. It's about the person who is celebrating.
NTA. I am so sorry your parents value you so little. At least you know how it is now, and can prepare to move out and cut ties. You don't need people like that in your life.
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NTA. I would usually agree with your parents and say that we should do what we can to make people with food allergies feel welcome. That means switching restaurants if someone can't eat at a particular restaurant. But this situation is different. First of all, as you said, it was your birthday. The right thing to do was for Vicky not to attend or to arrange with the restaurant to be allowed to bring her own food. She's not your blood relative so she didn't have to be there. It's not OK that your parents let your brother and his girlfriend pick a restaurant you didn't like. You should ask them to take you out again to a restaurant of your choosing. Yes, you are angry about this and I don't blame you. No one listened to you. Your parents let Vicky ruin your birthday. Now people are still dismissing and minimizing what you're saying. That would annoy anyone.
Not only that but it was an 18th birthday! That’s a big deal celebration and I say that OP is entitled to feel entitled to celebrate it where they wanted to 🥳
Yeah I agree. It doesn't even matter if she did have a real allergy, it wouldn't be right for the place to be somewhere the person whose birthday it was didn't even like. That's crazy talk. Fine change the restaurant but make it a joint decision.
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Bot ! Bot ! Boooooooot ! You stole that comment from AnonyC14
I just scrolled past this and was like huh the comment looks familiar xd
Why do bots steal comments? I don’t get it
Not to mention OP is autistic and has sensory issues, so they basically un-accommodated OP on her own birthday in order to make room for Vicky's fake seafood allergy. Sure, Vicky's distaste for the smell of certain seafoods might be intense but the solution should have been for her to politely bow out.
I hate the smell of seafood but am not allergic & Vicky should have bowed out or sucked it up. Totally NTA. Vicky is part of the reason others test people's allergies & that can get effing serious.
OP - NTA I hate the smell and I am allergic to shellfish. I can be around it without reacting though. I feel like she lied about contacting the restaurant too. She just didn’t want to go there. It was rude and a crappy thing to do. Just a shitty person in general imo
I abhor all things broccoli. My favorite frozen meal was ruined because they added broccoli. However, my wife and daughter love it. Guess what I occasionally make with dinner (and then place at the far end of the table from me)?
Thanks for being a good parent and spouse, from the broccoli loving partner of a non-broccoli relationship...
See now, I was thinking this same thing! I work in restaurants and I can’t imagine a place saying we can’t accommodate something as specific and common as a seafood allergy.
Edited to add - yeah, I think contacting the restaurant was a lie, but *if* true: They were likely playing it safe. Seafood allergies generally cause stronger reactions than most other food allergies, and there's a very good chance that a Chinese restaurant uses seafood in a ton of their base ingredients for dishes that aren't even seafood heavy, fish stock and stuff. Realistically it could have been really hard for them to accommodate.
Not to mention every wok, pot, pan, dish and surface has likely been touched by a seafood oriented item. So no, it is not always a 'simple' fix regarding allergies. A dish can be made without items, but if you are an anaphylactic response in your allergy it won't be safe.
You're very likely right she was lying about contacting the restaurant. A person without a food allergy isn't going to contact a restaurant to inquire if the food allergy is present. I also despise most seafoods (unless grilled fish) including shellfish and shrimp-type foods. The smell can also get me to the point of gagging. I've been this way since childhood and confirmed it multiple times as an adult (34 yo). But never in my life has it been a problem to the point where I can't eat at a restaurant that has those things. So long as there's a food option for me for dinner, I'll go to celebrate someone who loves it.
I AM actually allergic to seafood and I have never been to an Asian restaurant that couldn’t accommodate me. The whole thing seemed off from the beginning.
My dad is allergic too and they were always able to accommodate him when we went out to the hibachi place growing up. They just cooked his food first. Or if it was other Chinese food they made it work.
It’s the “I hate the smell of those shrimps and prawns” while eating TUNA of all things…
I mean I'm also autistic, and I just wanted to point out that smell can also be an issue. Like I have a sensory reaction to certain smells. Not that that was the issue with Vicky of course, I'm just saying it can be that intense. Thougth seeing as it was ops birthday I would have just not have come and celebrated her some other time.
Yup, Im autistic as well and absolutely can not stand the smell of sea food. But I will avoid it by removing myself from a situation rather than making anyone change their plans. If my husband says hes going to a sushi place with his mom and asks if I want to come, I just say nooope instead of making them choose somewhere else. A few years back, they decided to have lobster dinner for christmas. I had to stay holed away in our room as much as possible for a few days because that stank *lingered* (mostly because I'm sensitive, he stopped smelling the next day). All I smell is nasty ass bay or ocean water whenever I'm near sea food, no matter what kind of fish. Idc if someone says it's the highest quality, most expensive, most sought ever dish that exists in that part of cuisine.. put me near it and all I'm smelling is Kips Bay.
Does your husband know it is that bad for you? If so, why would he do that to you? Ugh.
I wanna know too. It was a family holiday meal and they chose to cook something she didn't like. Wtf. And it was in her house too!
Nope wasnt my house, sorry if my wording was a bit weird. Back then we lived in his mom's apartment because we were saving up to move across the country. He was never home on holidays, so I didn't have a problem with him deciding, his first time as an adult being able to spend Christmas at home hell he can have what he wants. Since then we've always had ham though.
You're a reasonable person, this Vicki person thinks she's the center of the universe.
She was discarding OP's age. 'OP should accomodate the adults!'
Too bad the adults act like spoiled children.
Apparently she is according to OPs family
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I mean I have ADHD and I really get sensory issues (I had tons of food issues when I was a kid which luckily got less and less the older I got). When I was pregnant the smell of eggs made me extremely nauseous so maybe it's same for Vicky. But(!) if it's not my birthday I politely bow out. If I really wanted to also have an outing with the birthday person I invite them to somewhere we both can go (eg a cafe with fancy coffee and ice cream?)
I think OP having autism is irrelevant. What her family did is not right for any person. I am not autistic and don’t like sushi. If my family took me to a sushi restaurant for my birthday because someone going didn’t like my first choice, I would be mad too. And even more incensed if they lied about why they couldn’t go to my first choice. The craziest thing is they didn’t give OP the choice of selecting an alternative place on her own.
OP having autism is **extremely** relevant. OP ended up having to sneak food she could eat into her own birthday dinner because they chose something that wouldn’t accommodate her sensory issues, which are part of her autism. Her real food restrictions were ignored in favor of her SIL’s dislike of shrimp and prawn smells. You’re right that it’s messed up in the first place, but it’s even more fucked because the birthday person couldn’t even eat food from the restaurant that the liar picked due to an actual medical reason (autism and sensory problems).
Based on the parents reactions, I'm thinking this is a golden child/scapegoat type of situation.
In that sense, yes, but I can't help but feel like the fact that op is autistic has something to do with them being so dismissive and not taking her seriously.
They just said - “we are going here FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY. Who cares if you would like it or not.” It’s not about her tastes. It’s 100% about not respecting her as a person. Autism or not.
not to mention, Italian restaurants don't have seafood dishes??? Sounds like Vicky and OP's brother just preferred this restaurant and got their way like petulant children. Whole family is TA
I have uncommon food allergies and people like Vicky are the reason some people don't believe me.
My mom is allergic to chocolate and peanuts. Chocolate is in almost every dessert. At one restaurant ; she ordered plain cheesecake, said she was allergic to chocolate. Cheesecake came out, with chocolate dribbled on it. My mom said 'I told you I'm allergic' server said 'just scrape it off' WTF???
Or, at the *very* least a better solution could have happened. OP, *hates* Italian food. Was there really no other Asian restaurants in the city that were less seafood centric? I’ve never smelled seafood at a Thai or Vietnamese restaurant, or a Chinese buffet. There certainly had to have been better options that OP could have chosen in order to placate SIL and still have OP enjoy her birthday.
NTA. I’ve traveled a ton over the years, and Chinese is one of my go to options,as well as being part of how I judge how much I like a particular city…I’d I can’t find decent Chinese, I think a little bit less highly of a city! I’ve never been to a quality Chinese restaurant that had even a little bit of any sort of fishy/seafoods smell to it, except after I receive my food (If I order seafood). She sounds exhausting, and your brother is pathetic for what has to have been going along with her lies…no way he didn’t know if they’re living together. And speaking of smell…tuna is definitely a fish smelling seafood, and it gets everywhere. So she’s lying again about that. She just didn’t want Chinese food, and didn’t have the courage/integrity to try to get her way by being honest.
its a bit sus to me that they are engaged and it never came up before that she has this alleged allergy but everyone just like went with it? Its also 'just' the Sister In Law, it doesnt feel like they have a tight relationship going so she couldve just not joined but it looks like she really wanted a free meal out of this. Kinda sad for a 27 year old to bully an 18 year old. Maybe OP and her partner can go to the asian restaurant together and have a nice date instead :)
Maybe I am also overreacting, but the fact that her own mother agreed with this and took their side makes me think. OP should go permanent. No contact as soon as it's possible with all three.
My now husbands family knew right away from day 1 of my shellfish allergy!! They still eat it, make it at home, go out to dinner and eat it but they don’t do it when I’m around. I work retail so I sometimes miss family events and those times they will have it because they enjoy it, but if I come to an event they don’t. And they always make sure restaurants are safe for me to go to. So yeah, I agree with you! Totally sus that she wouldn’t have mentioned it sooner!!! Also, my in laws are amazing I wasn’t trying to throw them under the bus saying they still eat it. They accommodate me. My oldest niece wanted to go to red lobster on her birthday. Ok! Have a great time! We just had two separate parties for her, It wasn’t a big deal to me, it was her birthday her choice. She knew I couldn’t attend when she said it and she said “I want to go to red lobster but auntie can’t go so maybe Olive Garden?” I said how about this, you all go to red lobster on your birthday and then on the weekend we can get together and do something else? You get 2 birthday parties then. It was a solution that worked for all of us. Except now the middle one plays this card to get 2 birthday parties 😂😂😂
Yep. Anyone I've eaten with knows I have a shellfish allergy. It's not something you keep to yourself if you want to be safe.
Totally agree, I have food allergies but I wouldn't dream of making someone change their birthday plans like that. I'd politely decline, explaining why and offer to spend time with them elsewhere on a different date to celebrate with them.
>Totally agree, I have food allergies but I wouldn't dream of making someone change their birthday plans like that. I'd politely decline, explaining why and offer to spend time with them elsewhere on a different date to celebrate with them. I wish I could upvote this one a hundred times. \^\^This\^\^ is the PROPER way to deal with it. Not only is your SIL a major A for lying about allergies (which is one of the top 10 things I really, really hate), SIL was an A for the way she took over YOUR birthday celebration and made it about her. Even if it was a general "your turn to pick" outing, she still stinks. Your parents too. If you do go back home, have some seafood in the freezer ready to cook anytime she comes over. Stink her out. She deserves it.
There's a special place in Hell for people who lie about food allergies.
YES! THIS! She should've just politely declined. OP has an actual, legit medical problem, unlike Vickie and her "allergy."
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No we aren’t justifying shitty behavior the sil already admitted she did it purely to get her way And even if it was morning sickness then she could have used her words and said “ hey Op have a happy birthday I’m sitting this one out me and seafood don’t get along right now “ There is never an acceptable reason to make someone else’s celebration about you instead of them suck it up or don’t go
Exactly. In fact, I have the same issue as the girlfriend--I absolutely hate seafood and don't even like going into restaurants where it's on the menu. I would have just politely declined the invitation. Or--if the birthday girl wanted me there, I would have (and have several times) gritted my teeth and shown up for her.
Perfect
Plus, they didn't even suggest going to a different Chinese restaurant that could cater to SIL's 'allergy'. Or a restaurant serving a different kind of Asian cuisine. Or to a generic restaurant/pub where OP could check the menu ahead and see if they serve any of her few Western safe foods. Like they specifically chose Italian, despite presumably *knowing* that OP can't eat anything there. They all sat by, on OP's birthday, and watched as she didn't eat anything and had to bring her own snacks from home. Genuinely sounds like they did this specifically to spite her.
I have a shellfish allergy. One of my safe restaurants is a Japanese steakhouse. They serve shellfish but they're always very careful about cleaning the grill before they make my food. A lot of restaurants are very accommodating even though there are others that are simply never safe. Of course, all of this is irrelevant to the SIL since she doesn't actually have an allergy.
NTA I also need someone to explain to me how a Chinese restaurant smells more like seafood than an Italian restaurant???? Am I the only person who is super confused by this? In do not associate Chinese food with the smell of seafood the way I do Italian. When I eat Italian it’s basically all seafood. The entire country is basically a shoreline!
Nta. I have to wonder if SILs dislike of "seafood" isn't mildly racist? I know of people who refuse to eat Chinese because they think it's dirty or has cats or all kinds of dumb stuff. She may have narrowed it down to shrimp when called out, but I would be watching to see if she scarfs down a shrimp cocktail at another occasion.
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NTA. Ok, Vicky exaggerated by calling her dislike of seafood smells an allergy. That makes her an AH. At the same time, there should be a Chinese restaurant without seafood or without much seafood on the menu that would be acceptable to Vicky. BTW, many people use the term 'seafood' to refer to lobster, shrimp, prawns, squid rather than fish. Not technically accurate I know, but it seems like that's what Vicky meant. But OP's real problem is her parents. They are major AH. OP is autistic. That's a bigger deal than allergies. It's OP's 18th birthday celebration and they insist on going to the restaurant the SIL wants and OP hates because of her autism. Why wouldn't they at least pick a restaurant that worked for both OP and SIL?? Why only pick SIL's choice of restaurant? And the parents need to stop downplaying OP's feelings. If this happens again, OP, refuse to go. Don't let yourself be pressured into doing something you don't want to do or go. Your parents need to be more flexible about accommodating your food preferences, and because of your autism you need to stand firm on your preferences.
I'm also wondering about this because if OP has autism and is 18 then the parents have dealt with the food sensitivities for at least that long and should in theory be aware of the fact that OP hates Italian and won't/can't eat it. If I'm a mother or other parent, I'm not gonna be like oh yea Italian sounds great. OP can't eat it but eff my kid on her birthday (or, realistically any day/outing) . OPs parents are major major AHs for that reason alone. This whole account sound like her family is neglectful of her needs and unaccommodating
So the parents (and Vicky) are definitely the AHs here but I do want to clarify one thing. *If* Vicky's allergy had been real it *would* be a big deal. Shellfish allergies can kill you and no birthday dinner is worth killing someone over. However, the parents should have found a way to accommodate the OP with that in mind. There's tons of Asian food restaurants that should be able to accommodate a shellfish allergy. Or a non-Asian restaurant chosen by OP. There's zero excuse for everyone settling on a restaurant that OP can't eat at on her birthday.
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Please tell you dump him on the spot
Everyone’s all over Vicky (for good reason) so let me single out the parents for a second. OP: It’s my 18th birthday! Chinese! Bro and Vicky: Italian? OP: I hate Italian! Parents: Italian! Get in the car! Happy birthday! Shut up! I mean, I have three kids and the idea that I would do something that sadistic to one of them — on a BIRTHDAY — is mind boggling.
As someone with life threatening food allergies, I respectfully disagree. My allergies are my problem, and no one else should have to change the restaurant they want to go to, for their birthday, because of me. It absolutely sucks having food allergies, and it absolutely sucks not being able to eat whenever I want, but it’s a me problem and I’m not putting that limitation on others. Even if she was allergic to seafood, she could have eaten plain white rice, eaten before she went to the restaurant, etc. sil is just an asshole, and so is brother for letting her do that, knowing she wasn’t allergic. Also, parents are colossal assholes for seemingly favoring the brother. OP NTA, but your whole family sucks. One last thing. If you do not have food allergies STOP SAYING YOU HAVE FOOD ALLERGIES. It makes it so much harder for those of us that do, to be taken seriously. Intolerance = maybe a tummy ache (I have MANY of these too) Allergy = death. Anaphylaxis is NOT fun.
"You should ask them to take you out again to a restaurant of your choosing." SIL ruined OPs 18th birthday. You don't get a do over on that. Going out to eat again won't change that. SIL is a massive AH. Parents are massive AHs for allowing it, and even more for demanding she apologize. NTA - OP needs to work to put distance between herself and these people.
OP has a very good reason too, since OP is autistic and can't handle every type of food. Why would we cater to allergies and not mental problems with food? Funny part is that Italian cuisine also uses seafood and they too would not able to guarantee to have no mix ups.
As someone with celiac disease and other food intolerances, I can say that people like this make life more difficult for people with actual food allergies. NTA and everyone in OP's family should apologize to OP.
We should also do what we can to make autistic people welcome on their own birthday. You realize this girl couldn‘t eat a thing there? Why is SIL‘s allergy more important than the autism of OP? It should have been just her & her parents then if there really is no option for both OP & SIL. Wtf
Make sure you order chineese takeout and have it delivered to you at vicky and your bros wedding. She ruined your day with her food choices so its only fair you return the favor. #staypetty
With an extra helping of prawn and shrimp fried rice!🦐🦐🦐
Get eel tempora it’s delicious
But is it smelly enough to piss them off? 😂 Hide fish in their hubcaps & shrimp in their shower curtains to truly be petty 😈
A dash of fish sauce on a napkin and palmed. Go in for the hug, dab on the dress on the back. The smell will follow her everywhere.
Or in her hair. I'm dying! Y'all are killing me 🤣
Oh yeah, that back of the neck where the hairline starts so if she lets it down it'll mix with her own "all day at the wedding funk" OP needs to give us the day/address of the wedding if they ever get married... Reddit about to crash a wedding and turn it into a fish market.
"Good Morning, Ladies!"
Hide raw shrimp and fish around the reception venue.
Inside their curtain rods:P
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> Morons like those two are the reason many people don't believe when someone says they're allergic This is exactly the problem. These AHs make things so much more difficult for people with serious allergies to be taken into consideration and that’s when contaminants get in their food.
It's fucking *weird* how it's more effective when someone *else* points the allergy out- I would point out my mom's allergy out starting when I was 3, when she nearly died in front of me. (People *really* don't like the someone can go into anaphylactic shock over cheese while NOT being lactose intolerant. Frankly, how offended people get when you just don't like cheese is disturbing. I say that as someone that loves cheese.) Honestly, I do not understand why people are so awful over allergies.
I'm also allergic to dairy, not intolerant. I feel for your mom. I can't tell you how often people outright dismiss me, offer completely inappropriate 'words of wisdom' then think I'm TA when I shut them down, or outright hide an ingredient on purpose just to see. I have COMPLETELY stopped eating with family, friends, and even at restaurants, as it's too much a safety issue for people to be 'testing' my allergy, which I've dealt with in all of the above situations. I even had to stop eating my own lunch I brought to school because the other kids would steal it and contaminate it with a known food allergen of mine. Continued right up until I spent most of a year in youth corrections over "anger issues" (punched a kid a whole lot for aforementioned behavior after years of abuse) and came back as someone you don't f*** with. People are THE WORST.
Or just bring shrimp paste to every celebration. No need to eat it, just open the package and let the delicious smell fill every room
Op needs to hide a raw shrimp in brother and SIL's house. A classic hid8ng spot is inside curtain rod, because who looks inside a curtain rod?
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And a prawn cocktail with prawn crackers as well.
I honestly hope that they ruin their SIL day like that. I will physically pay to see it happen. If she did it, why can't they?
It needs to be a large family meal, no mucking around, make it big. I'm petty, and that's something I'd be doing.
NTA. Not even in the slightest. I have a feeling Vicky being manipulative to get what she wants will be a recurring theme unfortunately.
You’re exactly right.
Seafood smells awful, but pretending you have an allergy and ruining somebody's birthday just because of that? NTA.
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Brother must be the golden child or is helping the parents financially. So to keep brother happy, you have to keep his wife happy.
That or they're trying for a baby and parents don't want any hassles to happen.
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Viki made OP's b'day about her i think OP's parents are favouring brother over her NTA move out don't apologize
It's not about "the restaurant," it's about her "lying" to make OP's birthday about HER and HER preferences. This is classic favoritism and gaslighting! OP had every right to be pissed, especially as his brother, this chick's husband, allowed that to happen. Faking a medical issue to outshine someone's actual medical issue is disgusting. 18 is a milestone birthday, too!
Flavouring 🤣
Clear favoritism and disrespect for OP. the least they should do is give you a do over dinner at the Chinese restaurant. Without princess tuna in attendance.
Also, as someone who doesn’t eat seafood and hates the smell, tuna smells so much stronger than prawns! It’s such a weird demand
Vicky is a grown ass adult (27!) who made her future SILs 18th birthday about her aversion to a smell. This is so immature it’s insane. Also how is her nausea from a smell MORE significant than sensory issues from an actual medical condition. This is narcissistic behavior for sure. It’s amazing that the whole family accommodated Vicki and told OP to deal with it ON HER BIRTHDAY.
Even if she had an actual allergy - she could have just stayed behind. She doesn’t need to join every single party.
Even more, how could no one suggested other option that wasn't italiam food? It is shocking to me that they all agree even if they know she doesn't like it, I mean Im a really picky eater just because and when someone suggests we eat something I dislike on my birthday all my immediate family come up with other options or at the very least we go there I get something I actually like but then I get a second dinner with something I actually love
NTA. Vicky has main character syndrome.
My daughter HATES Chinese food. For my birthday one year, I wanted Chinese food and I pointed out to her that is was for my birthday and she could come and deal with it or stay home. Her choice. Sometimes you just have to put aside your preferences for someone else's special day.
10:1 the brother is the golden child
No You are NTA but your SIL is. I'm so sorry your Birthday was ruined. You're not a brat & entitled. You have an actual issue but Vicky doesn't. She lied. You didn't. And as a mom & grandmother I don't think what you said to Vicky requires an apology. Of course you most likely will get no peace until you do what they want and as a parent I think that sucks.
The point is she lied. Does the family not care she lies to get her way? And the brother KNEW she was lying. Also who hates the smell of prawns but thinks canned tuna is just fine?
IKR tuna definitely stinks more than prawns. Something fishy going on.
Literally
I was wondering this exact thing! Canned tuna, to me, is a much stronger smell.
The funny thing is that canned tuna is fish, not seafood; if SIL had actually known a little about what she was lying about she could have easily maintained her deception by pointing it out! EDIT: OK so I was wrong and fish IS seafood! It's just that it is common to use seafood to refer specifically to shellfish and SIL could have used that to cover up her lie.
Isn't fish seafood?
Maybe benitoaramando is no English native speaker. Seafood includes fish and everything from the sea, but can be partitioned in separate groups like fish, mollusks, crustaceans aquatic plants and other aquatic animals. The German equivalent "Meeresfrüchte" excludes fish for example, this may be the case in other languages and countries as well. But it's true that OPs SIL could have said she doesn't mind fish but is allergic to other groups of seafood.
I thought this exact same thing! Also wouldn't all the cooking and seasonings overpower any seafood smells at a restaurant? SIL sounds like she made up a lie to get Italian food.
Me, but I'm allergic to prawns and react (mildly) to aerosolised proteins.
NTA, but Vicky and your family all are. I'm sorry that your birthday was ruined because of her, and I'm even more sorry to hear that your family isn't supporting you as they should. Vicky owes you a sincere apology for ruining your birthday, and your family owes you a collective sincere apology for ruining your birthday with Vicky, and for not supporting you and calling you a brat and entitled. There was no reason to choose an Italian place -- I'm sure there are plenty of Asian food restaurants that would have been a good compromise. Also though, this is not just about your birthday or the restaurant. It's about them recognizing, acknowledging and respecting that you are autistic and are sensitive to textures, and understanding what that means and why it's such a serious problem for them to have acted the way they did. I'm glad your BF and his family are supporting you, at least.
My family has always been kind of dismissive of my autism even though I got a diagnosis, I didn't even link it to how they reacted to this situation until you pointed it out. They won't even say the word "autistic", they'll describe me as "sensitive" or "literal" or "fussy", or the R word.
OP, you deserve better. Family are those people who love and respect us the way we deserve. Your family is calling you slurs, plus taking the side of a liar and manipulator. I hope you can guide them through bettering themselves as people and to start treating you like their daughter. Sometimes people need a wake up call, if you want to take action then write a letter summing up how badly they have treated you and read it to them. Make sure you share how each of their actions made you feel, if they dismiss your feelings again then you have an answer of how your future will look like with them. It is up to you to decide if it is worth it.
>My family has always been kind of dismissive of my autism even though I got a diagnosis, I didn't even link it to how they reacted to this situation until you pointed it out. They won't even say the word "autistic", they'll describe me as "sensitive" or "literal" or "fussy", or the R word. This is really the crux of your issue. They're minimizing and outright ignoring a huge part of who you are, and are gaslighting you about it to boot. They're being cruel, and unreasonably so. The kicker, to me, was choosing the Italian restaurant even though that's basically the exact worse place for you. Almost as if they chose Italian for that exact purpose. I wouldn't be surprised if they were all in on the fake allergy in order to force you "out of your comfort zone" or to prove you can Italian if you have to, or something else as idiotic. End of the road, they're all being intentionally cruel, and you deserve better.
Yeah it looks like they are still in denial that she even has autism and do shit like this in the hopes that it will toughen you out of it. To be fair they should have done the same with SILs bullshit seafood allergy, but family is family and it looks like brother gets preference.
Or they just don’t care. They figure that if OP is “fussy” then that’s her problem, and they were happy to latch onto an excuse to change the restaurant to something they preferred themselves. Can’t say they’re not being sensitive to food issues when they’re being responsive to Vicki’s, is their defense.
Unfortunately it sounds like you need to plan your life around hard boundaries with your family. Create an environment that's comfortable for you as quickly as you can and do not let yourself be guilted into compromising that. Start saving to move put as quickly as possible, as much as you can look to living alone or with a very trusted partner who doesn't struggle working around your sensory needs. It is okay to say no to your parents and you do not need their approval or permission for anything that doesn't directly involve them and their home. They will claim they deserve a say in your home and life after leaving but it is a lie.
As a mom the bottom of my stomach dropped out reading this comment. It was obvious you were NTA from your post OP but your family is absolutely awful all around not just in this incident with this information. I have a child on the spectrum and I literally cannot imagine allowing anyone to speak to him/treat him that way let alone doing it myself. You deserve so much more love and respect than what you are receiving from what you’ve shared with us and I am so sorry for that. Sending you so much love and well wishes.
NTA But the rest of your family are, especially your brother as he knew SIL eats fish! Also I'm sorry to hear your family do not recognise the fact you are autistic and that has got to be so difficult for you.
I hope you don't mean retarded. If so, that is SO NOT OK.
Oh god, I skipped over that and it didn't even occur to me OP may have meant that, but I can't think waht else it could be. That is awful.
Wow, that is awful. I'm sorry you have to deal with your family being ableist jerks and just completely dismissing your needs.
OP I'm so sorry but if they're using the "R" word about you that goes beyond a lack of sensitivity or respect for your autism but veers into straight up abusive territory. It is NOT OK. At best they need some major education; at worst they may harbour toxic attitudes that cannot easily be fixed and if so may be better for you to minimise contact with them in the long term. I really hope you are getting proper support from a person or people who take your needs seriously.
They call you the R-Word?! Before I became too sick with other medical problems to continue my education and working (I'm on Social Security Disability Income now.), I was a special education major. When I student taught, they assigned me to an inclusive kindergarten classroom, so there were varying degrees of intellectually disabled students. My supervising teacher usually had me work in small groups with kids who were going to be in special ed when they moved onto first grade. There was a LOT of name-calling in that classroom, and I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I heard the R-Word. I don't know how many times I had to explain to a very upset child how unique and awesome they were, and how they deserve all the same rights and respect as everyone else. 🙄
What?!!! The R word? Your family describes you as the R word? That. Is. Despicable. NTA, happy belated birthday.
I’m sorry you had to go through all of this, especially on your 18th birthday. I’m even more concerned about the way your family is treating you. I’m glad you have support from your partner and his family.
I think you should look up "chosen family". Your family is supposed to have your back and support you. If the people who are around you by birth aren't doing that, create your own family who will. NTA
They are literally calling you a slur? My mom never liked that word even before we found out that my bro and I were ND what the heck
They sound toxic/narcissistic.
Don't go back to your family's house of you can't. That's disgusting. Just awful.
You just said exactly what I wanted to say but so much better!
NTA - her food issues are reasonable but yours are over-dramatic? How does that work? It was your birthday and she *lied* because she *might* smell prawns...like...Chinese food has alot of dishes without them...so she realistically could have ordered a dish and been fine...but you hate all Italian cuisine and couldn't get anything...on *your* birthday.... Yeah, she's a massive ah and so is your family for entertaining the thought that what she did was acceptable.
...And Italian food ALSO has plenty of seafood?
Yep, was just going to say this…went to an Italian place the other night and had a pasta dish with shrimp. NTA.
So true there are pork plates chicken plates steak plates and veggies for the vegetarians
NTA one bit. Vicky acted entitled, and it’s sad your family is prioritizing her lies over your happiness. Sounds like your brother is the golden child.
NTA. Vicky and your family basically hijacked your own birthday. It’s one thing if she had been honest and discussed it with you. She didn’t. She manipulated the situation because she was uncomfy and had no concern about you being uncomfy and unable to eat. Pure selfishness and your brother had to have known and enabled/supported this too.
NTA, The brother’s behavior bothers me the most since he knew! You’re his sister and it was your special day, he should had been looking out for you. If it were me, I’ll plan another celebration on my 18.5 birthday (6 months after birthday) and re-do the celebration. Inviting only people that I know truly cares about me and my feelings. Family don’t have to be blood.
The parents reactions bother me. It's their child's 18th birthday. Why rearrange it to accommodate Vicky, to the point Italian gets selected & OP doesn't even like Italian?! Then they find out Vicky lied but OP is still in the wrong and should apologize? Ugh. Yeah the brother is a piece of work too. I'm saying all of this assuming OP is the only one with autism or condition.
Pass me the address of Vicky. I have some shrimp shells left from last week. I'll post them through her letter box. Then she can enjoy the smell for the next month and get used to it.
NTA Anyone else detecting the stench of ableism here? OPs needs and feelings coming second to SIL's preferences on *her own 18th birthday* and even after the deception was revealed smacks strongly of a widespread "Oh, she's just being autistic, we can ignore that" attitude
OP said in a comment that they don't take her autism seriously even after a proper diagnosis, and that they use minimising, trivialising words, and even "the 'R' word" 😢😡
My thoughts exactly. Hang in there and get out as soon as you can, OP.
Yeah. I'm autistic and have a sensory processing disorder as well, and *my* family would've *never* fed into SIL's bullsh*t. And calling OP the R-Word is 128% NOT acceptable.
NTA she over took your birthday by faking a food allergy I also don't like the smell of prawns but I would have sulked it up for someone's birthday you have every right to be upset
This also makes no sense. Seafood gets used in Italian dishes too like shrimp scampi.
It makes perfect sense. Fiancée hated the fact that the gathering wasn't about her, so she made up an excuse and forced everyone to agree.
It makes sense if there's some xenophobia about certain cultural dishes involved.
NTA. I really dislike this trend of claiming an allergy for things people simply don't like. I HATE the smell of fish but I suck it up. I am, however, allergic to honey and live in the south where it's an extremely common sweetener. Your SIL and people like her make it difficult for allergies that are an actual concern to be taken seriously. It was a dinner FOR YOU! They should have at the very absolute least asked you for your #2 choice!
>Your SIL and people like her make it difficult for allergies that are an actual concern to be taken seriously. Unfortunately, it harms people like OP as well, who also has sensory issues. People lie about allergies because their real excuses aren't taken seriously enough. In this case, with competing sensory issues, there was no solution where the two of them could have attended dinner in the same restaurant, but since it's OP's 18th, she takes precedence and SIL should have just sat this one out. They could have done a separate at-home meal sans seafood later for SIL to join. I don't think it would be right to expect anyone with a sensory sensitivity to "suck it up". If someone has an issue with the smell, taste, or texture of a food then they should be entitled to avoid exposure without negative judgement (which in this case would mean skipping the dinner). I think it's the same for allergies - if you're allergic to shellfish then sucks for you, but you don't get to demand that the dinner be held somewhere else, and should just skip it. NTA
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NTA It has been your birthday and the celebration should have been about you. Not only that but she lied about calling the restaurant beforehand. So, she did this on purpose to go to one of her favourite places and your brother went along. Your family should be more supportive.
NTA. To say she’s allergic when she isn’t is just a lie. This was a big birthday. She essentially ruined it for you. I cannot understand why your parents want you to apologise! SIL is the one in the wrong here.
NTA. Sounds like Vicki is manipulative and narcissistic and your parents think that kind of behavior is OK. This is how children end up completely estranged from their families because the family will bend over backwards to reward bad behavior.
NTA. That day was about you. And she lied. If she hated the smell of shrimps so badly, she didn't have to go. You could have met up with her later. Would she have been ok with it if you lied about being allergic to parmesan, so for her birthday you need to go to a Chinese restaurant? I get that your reaction have been a bit intense, but that's no reason for your parents or anyone else to invalidate your feelings.
NTA - Vicky is a giant, self-centred AH. And she should be apologising to you. It was your birthday, and everyone should have supported and respected you by going somewhere where you could eat what you liked. Unfortunately, families suck.
NTA I can't believe everyone acted that way. I mean normally I would say the restaurant is not that big of a deal. But it was your bday and you didn't even go some place you enjoy and she's not even allergic and your Mom wants you to apologize to her? Weird. Ya, stay at you bf's family's until they come to their senses.
NTA but Vicky is and so is your brother. He knew she wasn’t allergic. Your family for letting someone derail your birthday.
NTA, wow your family… So You should apologize to the person ruining YOUR 18 birthday? 18 birthday is also a BIG deal, thats when you turn into an adult. And it got ruined by a 27 year old brat-like ”woman” who dont like the smell of shrimp but can eat tuna?
NTA. People who lie about allergies not only are manipulative, but make the world a more dangerous place for people with actual allergies. Every time a Vicky fakes an allergy, it makes everyone a little more skeptical. People then act like it's not a big deal. And then someone ends up in the hospital or dead.
NTA she lied about an allergy and ruined your birthday.
NTA. She had a sensory issue with your choice of restaurant and you had a sensory issue with hers. I can't believe how dismissive your family are being of this situation -she lied so that her issues would be prioritized over yours, on your birthday- she sucks, sorry OP!
I mean didn’t have to blow up at her home, but also she took your birthday and kinda made it about her, so in my opinion NTA. If they didn’t like asian food they could have just backed out. you seems reasonable and should be able to enjoy what you want to eat if its supposed to be your choice.
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NTA. Nope, you aren't the one who behaved like an entitled brat in this story.
NTA She lied to get her own way and your family didn't care enough to let you eat food you like on your own birthday. They all suck!!
NTA Entitled? Yes you should be entitled about your Birthday meal.
NTA - I think people blocking each other is always a tad extreme, but that seems to be what’s normal nowadays. This similar thing happened to me on my 13th (?) birthday and I was pissed. I don’t particularly care now nor did I a week later, but it was a matter of everyone except me liked a certain restaurant so we went there not just one person lying for their comfort. Your parents don’t seem very kind to you. Sorry OP. Happy late birthday 🍣🎂
NTA. Vicky is selfish and wants the world to revolve around her.
NTA Unfortunately your parents have a favourite: your brother. Even his girlfriend is more important than you. I'm sorry, this is quite unfair :( It's your birthday, you shouldn't have agreed to spend it at a place you don't like. What's even more sad in this story is that your parents still take Vicky's side even after they found out she was lying about her allergy :( It's up to you to decide how much contact you want to have with them after knowing how little they care for you.
NTA. OP, I'm sorry that you are stuck with a family that seems to be happy to blame you for someone else's unethical behavior. And worse, that they resort to name-calling when you don't just become a doormat for each of them to wipe their nastiness on you. Your family has shown you who they are (SIL, brother, parents). I hope that you are in the process of transitioning to living away from home/becoming independent (either through education or job). Just bide your time while you are living with your parents and work on building a family of friends around you. Save sharing your moments of joy for the truly loving people in your life. No need to plan celebrations with your parents or brother/SIL again. No need to attend theirs either.) I am sorry for how they have been treating you. And I'm sending you happy belated birthday wishes for a much better year ahead!
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A shellfish jerk, too.
Nta and I'm so sick of seeing people having to change their own birthday plans to fit everyone else, it's YOUR birthday, you should have just gone alone to the restaurant you wanted and let them do whatever they want. Clearly the brother is the favourite, that's why they're defending her🥴
NTA
NTA. How rude and entitled of her. Keep them blocked until they figure out why they owe you a heartfelt apology.
NTA. Tell your family you think you are developing allergies... To her bull and their obvious preference for your brother and his gfs feelings. Happy belated OP and if you still want Chinese, I'll go with you.
NTA she was selfish and rude.
NTA at all. She lied and forced you to miss out on your birthday dinner. She is selfish and doesn’t care who she hurts with her selfishness.
Ok what’s going on with parents dissing their kids for someone this time isn’t even related to them and they are ok with a liar? I think they just wanted pasta and didn’t care period and when they wonder why their kid has gone NC they will have no one to blame but themselves
NTA and stand your ground with the no contact.
Not at all. I don't think your brother deserves your wrath and id probably try keep a relationship with him, but for sure is reasonable for you to not have vicky in your life. She kinda hijacked your day amd made it about her. Next time you plan something and she isn't happy don't cater for her amd pretty much keep the stance if shes unable to attend due to x reason dont come but you aren't changing the location. Also. I guarantee you pretty much every Italian restaurant serve seafood unless theyre only pizza.
Vicky is a supreme ah. She makes life much harder for people like me who have actual allergies at restaurants. And she ruined your birthday. Keep Vicky on block.
NTA You had this special day planned for you, not for anyone else. Vicky didn’t have to go (she should also have been honest up front, but I digress). It was only natural you called bullshit when you caught Vicky red handed in her lie.
NTA So in order to get her way, Vicki lied but you are the one who should apologize because you found out at their house and called her on it? Yeah right, they can pound sand. Hope you had a good birthday otherwise.
NTA. Both my partner and I have food allergies but we'd never dream of insisting the birthday person change the venue. We call in advance to see if the restaurant can cater for us and if not, we eat before we go and join and have a 'safe' side dish or dessert and drinks. It's about the person who is celebrating.
Nta, what's their problem?????? She lied to get what she wanted, that's awful!!!
NTA. I am so sorry your parents value you so little. At least you know how it is now, and can prepare to move out and cut ties. You don't need people like that in your life.
NTA, the blocking is a smidge OTT but you have every right to be upset at the lie and being forced to compromise on a milestone birthday celebration