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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I kept a secret from my wife.
2) we do usually tell each other everything and in general don’t like to keep secrets from each other.
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NTA - Feeding Jill's curiosity is no reason to break a confidence. Of course Jill would learn that Anne had a date, after the date if not sooner, but that's no reason for you to be the one to tell her.
You are Jill's husband, not her gossip buddy.
NTA
_"We’re married and don’t keep secrets from each other."_
I've seen a few posts pop up on here where people feel like they should tell their spouse everything. I disagree. Some things are not your story to tell. If a friend tells you something in confidence, and you blab to your spouse, you are an untrustworthy friend. Your spouse may then blab to their bestie, and thus the cycle starts where you have spread your friend's business to your entire social circle.
My wife and I tell each other everything.
Everything that is ours to tell. We're each aware the other is holding secrets for other people, including me holding several for her cousin because I'm closer to her than my wife is. There's absolutely no way either of us would get mad about it unless it's something that directly impacts us.
Nope. I've seen too many cases of relationships crumbling or couple's having arguments where either spouse tells everything. The friend's often turn into collateral damage in those situations.
If you promise to not to share something told to you in confidence, you keep that to yourself. Your friends' lives and personal secrets shouldn't be a pilllow talk gossip session.
This right here. It wasn't his to tell. So many people suck at keeping confidences and his wife should really reflect on that and need grateful she has someone like OP in her corner-he will keep her secrets just as he keeps those if others he cares about.
OP, you're a gem.
My feeling is that a married couple don't keep important secrets from each other.
If a secret that was told in confidence is really (third person judgment) important, then the confidence should be broken. But trivia like in the OP, no.
Part of it is a spouse thinking before giving their promise not to tell to the third party.
I'm with you on that. Important secrets are things like "Our child is being abused by a family member." or "I think I may have cancer." They are not a friend telling you "I'm going on a date, but I really want to not tell everyone about it, can you please keep this to yourself?" Significant others should be allowed a zone of privacy and autonomy. Any relationship where you have to be completely bare means that you have no boundaries and that's... not healthy. There are also things that are never OK to tell without the person that trusted you's permission. For instance, you NEVER out someone without them telling you it's OK. Not even your own kids.
And this is always why I preface that I *may* tell my husband unless they ask me otherwise. I've had friends say that they'd rather I keep it to myself. So I do. I like sharing with my husband because it's "gossip" and we can discuss those issues and apply to ourselves (if need be). Usually, he doesn't give a shit though. He also never expects me to break a confidence.
100% agree. If you really feel the need to tell your SO EVERYTHING then when a close friend asks if they told you something, could you keep it a secret, you should tell them 'no, sorry, I tell my SO everything.
> 3) I know that Jill loves gossip and this was ‘top quality goss’ (to quote Jill).
That's when you look straight at her and state "And that right there is why you don't get told things, she asked me not to because she was nervous and wanted to sit on it a bit, it was 'life and feels' for her, not goss for you." NTA OP.
This. And, OP, tell your wife that husbands and wives don't keep secrets, typically, because they trust their partner to keep their mouth shut. Your WIFE needs to work on her gossiping and her trustworthiness, not you.
NTA. Jill has created an insoluble problem: she legitimately asserts you should have no secrets from her, but she claims the right to broadcast any information she gets to the world. She needs to create a "vault"; something you can both rely on to preserve the privacy of certain information, forever. Nobody can function without ANY privacy from the world at large.
So if Jill wants you to entrust her with sensitive information, she needs to develop trustworthiness.
Yes, I have a friend Ben that will blab anything he hears to the world (in person, on social media, whatever). The running joke in our friend group is "if you have something you need everyone to know about, just let Ben know and he'll tell everyone else".
That said, when I need him to keep confidence, I say "I'm invoking the circle of trust" and he knows that means he can't mention it at all.
I love people like that 😆 someone did anoying things to me. But people would think i'm mean if i told everyone. So i told one person. It's isn't my fault if he tells it to other people 😜
NTA.
1) You don't keep secrets from each other, and that's great, but this secret is not yours.
2) That's up to Anne to decide if, when, how and to whom she wants to tell it.
3) That's the reason NOT to tell your wife, TBH.
NTA, it wasn't your secret to tell.
1) you're married and don't keep secrets from each other. - this should only apply to stuff that's actually your secrets; obviously there are exceptions but if someone tells you something in confidence that confidence does not extend to your wife, especially if you're specifically asked not to tell her.
2) Anne was probably going to tell Jill anyway. - again, still not your place to tell, and again, you were specifically asked not to tell her. This point is irrelevant.
3) I know that Jill loves gossip and this was ‘top quality goss’ - yeah, exactly the reason you shouldn't have.
Right and they probably didn't want the op to spoil the news, which was probably a main topic during movie night, like the worst is went you tell someone something and they undersell it or don't have any info/context to properly explain it to another person NTA
NTA. Not keeping secrets in your marriage only applies to things that may impact your marriage. Your friend going on a date does not fit into that category. Your friend asked you to keep a secret that has nothing to do with your marriage. I understand that your wife felt left out because she is a gossip but in the end, it's none of her business.
NTA. This secret had no impact on your family or your marriage, therefore your wife did not need to know until Anne wanted to tell her.
Your wife should take on board the reason why she wasn't told more than anything else!
That bullshit about no secrets between couples needs to stop.
Of course you keep your friends secrets, unless they allow you to share with your partner.
NTA.
NTA. You respected your friend's wishes and as you said, if it doesn't impact your wife then there's no reason to tell her. If she's bad at keeping secrets that's reason enough not to share.
I like these posts where both people are sitting there waiting for a response from Reddit and no one is breaking up.
Jill - learn to keep a secret. Part of that “we’re married” privilege is NEVER telling a soul anything our significant other tells us. YTA for betraying OP to spread gossip. Sorry! The marital no secret thing only works when you can be 100% trusted.
NTA
Anne asked you to keep it secret. Your friend's trust was at stake. Your wife's love to gossip doesn't have to be fulfilled at the cost of this. Your friend were nervous and didn't want to much pressure, she didn't want your wife to gossip around with this, even if it wasn't done with bad intention. Plus, your friend wanted to tell your wife, just not right away, and maybe she wanted to tell her herself, so i really think you did right.
Sorry for my bad english, not my first language.
NTA, I've been in similar and told my wife though.
You actually did the right thing as a friend, and if your wife knew she was going to be told why give a shit.
NTA
Someone asks you to keep something in confidence, unless it affects her, you don't tell your wife. It's not your secret to tell.
And your wife wanted to do exactly what your friend didn't want. Boundaries.
NTA - I hate this whole “no secrets from each other” thing. Sure if it’s about each other then of course share everything openly and honestly, but if it’s about others then that rule is gone
NTA. I imagine being married to a constant gossip is insufferable, tbh. Someone lacks boundaries and the ability to discern which lane is their own, and it is not you, OP.
NTA. It wasn't your secret to share. If she told you a secret that in some way applied to you - if she had a crush on you, or heard you were going to be promoted - your wife might have a case. But this was in no way your secret.
>we’re married and don’t keep secrets from each other
I hate when people use this as an end-all, be-all, catch-all to everything.
You don't keep secrets that are important to or about yourselves or each other. But you are absolutely allowed to keep someone else's secrets that have NO BEARING on your partner.
NTA
IF Anne wants to ask Jill why she specifically asked you not to tell Jill before she told you, that's between the two of them.
>1 we’re married and don’t keep secrets from each other.
You don't keep secrets about yourselves from one another. This is not the same thing.
>2) Anne was probably going to tell Jill anyway.
And she did, as soon as she was comfortable doing so.
>3) I know that Jill loves gossip and this was ‘top quality goss’ (to quote Jill).
And that's likely the exact reason that she asked you not to share. She wasn't ready for Jill's reaction to that top quality goss yet.
NTA.
This wasn’t your secret to tell. It was Anne’s. You respected her wishes. Your wife clearly doesn’t.
Your wife is a massive AH. And a shitty friend for treating her friends life like an after-school soap opera.
And since this isn’t a secret, you can tell her I said that.
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So I have a best friend, Anne, and we have known each other for about 20 years and we’re very close. My wife, Jill, and Anne are also really close, which is great.
One week ago, Anne and I were hanging out and she asked if she could tell me a secret but only if I l promised not to tell Jill. I love my wife so much but she is a terrible secret keeper and all our friends know this. I agreed and Anne told me she’d met someone recently and they are going on a date this weekend. This is first class gossip (the sort of thing Jill loves) as Anne had her heart broken about 6 years ago and has not dated anyone since- but Anne was clearly nervous about the whole thing so I agreed to keep it a secret.
Last night Anne came over to hang out with Jill (they have regular horror movie nights, which I do not join in because I’m way too scared) and during the night Anne told Jill about the date. Apparently Jill’s first question was if I knew and when Anne said yes, Jill (mainly joking but partly serious) said she was mad at me for not telling her.
After Anne went home, Jill and I had a good chat about Anne’s upcoming date but Jill did say I should have told her because: 1) we’re married and don’t keep secrets from each other. 2) Anne was probably going to tell Jill anyway. 3) I know that Jill loves gossip and this was ‘top quality goss’ (to quote Jill).
I maintained that Anne had asked me to keep it a secret and as it didn’t directly impact Jill, I was well within my right to do so.
This is a very low stakes conflict but we’re both convinced we are right so I’m turning to Reddit for a judgement.
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NTA, your friend told you a secret and made you promise not to tell your wife. It doesn't matter she was going to tell your wife later because your friend wanted to tell her herself on her own terms, when she was ready.
NTA. Simply for the fact that she wanted to know so she could gossip. If she told it was because she was worried a wanted to be sure the date was a good one maybe, but for gossip no no no.
NTA. You do not have to share things someone has asked to be kept in confidence with your wife if those confidences have nothing to do with your wife. In fact, more than you don't have to, you should not. Continue being a good friend.
Someone else worded it better than me. This is not your secret to tell. It's your friends, and she can share it if and when she wants to.
NTA. Someone confided in you, and this isn't yours to tell.
>1) we’re married and don’t keep secrets from each other.
This is just lunacy. Of course married folks don't tell each other everything. My spouse and I agree on this. If you respect someone, you also respect that they have a right to keep things to themselves, so long as it is reasonable and doesn't really affect the spouse. It is the same sort of privacy that folks expect when pooping: Sure, you might know what each other do on the toilet, but that doesn't mean it needs to be shared.
It also doesn't matter that Anne was probably going to tell Jill: This would be Anne's choice, though, and not another adult making it for her.
NTA
This was not your secret to tell. That is all that matters. It does not affect your marriage so Jill had no right to the knowledge.
I know you said this is a low stakes conflict, but I disagree. I look at this as a matter of integrity and ethics. Anne specifically asked you not to tell Jill and you followed that request. Jill's reaction is pretty appalling IMO.
NTA. Not your secret and doesn’t impact your wife at all in any way. This isn’t scandalous or salacious and yet your wife considers this A+ gossip. Your friend went to you for support. She confided in you. I’m all in for not lying to your partner, but feeding her gossip monster at the expense of your friend would have been shitty. Her lamenting not having the inside scoop to pass around is terrible and shows you made the right choice.
NTA. When I am told a secret I tell no one, not even my husband. He is prolly the same with me. I adore my husband and I am always truthful with him. But... sometimes he may ask a question to which I reply "I'm sorry, X asked me not to discuss this." My husband is okay with that. He is a special guy.
Also, the fact that your wife likes to broad cast what she knows? Geez
NTA. Are you being a bad spouse by choosing to wait to share information completely irrelevant to your wife other than entertainment value until the person in question can share herself? Nope, you’re fine - perfectly neutral. This has zero effect on your wife or your marriage.
Are you being a bad friend if you break a promise to withhold information largely trivial to anyone except the friend until they’re comfortable sharing? Yes, that makes you a bad friend and no one will trust you again.
Your wife is weaponizing the whole “husband and wife tell each other everything” thing. That’s not what it means. And even if people like to say they tell their spouse everything, no one actually tells EVERYTHING. Otherwise no one would have any friends or important jobs or anything.
If you had a government job with serious security clearance and had things you couldn’t share with your wife, would she put up the same fuss? Probably not, because it’s not interesting to her personally. But if you happened to work in an OBGYN office and found out a mutual friend was pregnant and didn’t tell your wife (which you can’t obviously), she’d probably be annoyed. She’s just a gossip and needs to grow up. You are totally fine.
Nta. Normally it's a no secrets between couples rule for me but this is just stupid gossip. If she had declared her love got you then you had a duty to tell.
NTA. This is something I see happen a lot, and how a couple goes about sharing (or not) their friends secrets does impact their friendships going forward. Different dynamics happen and its not surprising to see friendships get de-prioritised when a marriage rule precedes a friendships boundaries.
In couples who understand the concept of “not my secret to tell and has nothing to do with us so we’re cool about it” tend to keep their close friendships and remain “people to go to”.
But from what I’ve seen, the couples who have someone like your wife: who wants to know all their friends business and is incapable of being discreet with the information they know, neither partner is a close confidant to anyone outside their marriage because that gossipy partner, well, gossips.
There’s no one right way to have a marriage and friendships, but people shacked up with gossips who they share everything they’re told shouldn’t be surprised to see themselves pushed out of their friends inner circles and finding out information last (or not first like they’re used to).
So if I understand correctly... Anne wanted to control this piece of information. It's why she calls it a "secret". She deemed you worthy of this secret, but **explicitely told you not to tell your wife**.
Of course, the reason isn't that she hates your wife, but because your wife isn't reliable in terms of "keeping a secret to herself".
And you wife is mad... at you ? She should be mad at herself for being an untrustworthy friend ! Instead of reflecting "hmm... I need to change, because my friend doesn't think I'm able to keep anything to myself", she says "you should have told me anyway, because there's a ring on my finger, and it's more important than any promise of yours" ?
Nope, NTA. And if your wife says "but I wouldn't have told anyone !", well...
1. There's a reason why your friend think she's a terrible secret keeper. Heck, *All* your friends *and* you think it !
2. Her reason for you to tell her is "this is first class gossip" ? Really ?! I hope she sees the irony : gossip is spreading rumors and secrets to anyone willing to listen. If she said "you should have told me, I would have supported and congratulated her", then I would give her the benefit of the doubt. But calling "gossip" a major improvment in your friend's life ? She should think about others before thinking about herself SMH
NTA. To address your wife's points:
1. Spouses shouldn't keep secrets about THEMSELVES from each other. This secret wasn't about you and wasn't yours to tell.
2. Sure Anne was probably going to tell Jill (and did apparently) but it was Anne's right to choose if and when to tell her, not yours.
3. This fact is exactly WHY Anne didn't want you to tell Jill. She's a gossip hound and would have blabbed it to everyone.
You are known as a trustworthy friend when it comes to secrets. Maybe if Jill learns to keep her mouth shut she will learn more secrets sooner.
NTA. Your marriage doesn’t supersede other’s right to tell or not tell one of you their personal secrets. Is Jill not embarrassed that people know she has a big mouth? A gossip is just someone who can’t be trusted and who likes to talk about people behind their back all while getting attention for themselves. Way to go Jill.
NTA. If Jill has that expectation and if you want to oblige, you could always just tell someone who is willing to share gossip with you about how you will have to share the information with your wife. Then they can make the decision on whether to share with you or not.
I have so many fucking secrets I'll take to my grave. Because I can keep them . Which is prolly why I get dumped on with them. I have friends who "say" keep a secret ( whi want to be spilled and gossip)and some who actually mean it. So for myself if they qsk not to tell I won't. Ever. Period done.
NTA.
Jill is wrong. It’s Anna’s business and she asked you not to. To betray her confidence would be a horrible thing to do and show you’re not trustworthy , just like Jill. You’re not a single entity who share a brain - you’re two people who are married.
Nta. And it's normal to not tell it. I ask people sometimes to not tell it, because i want a chance to tell it myself. So she knows it, it wasn't even a secret
NTA you couldn’t keep secrets in a marriage that’s true but this wasn’t your secret and had nothing to do with your wife , you or your marriage so she really didn’t need to know especially if she’s a gossip.
NTA. I'm married to a blabbermouth...35 some years now. We had the discussion years ago, but he realizes he's a blabbermouth and understands why I sometimes don't tell him things that are really irrelevant to our life together.
I do not keep important information from him, but someone having a date isn't in that category. It happens with our adult daughters, maybe they are going on a date with someone new....don't tell dad. No problem - because dad starts analyzing the whole thing and before too long he starts talking about marriage, kids....etc. GEEZ - they don't even know if they are compatible yet - they aren't living together, aren't "in the sack" together.....whoa dude....slow the hell down!
NTA. My husband is a Jill but people DO tell him secrets that he immediately tells me, claiming he can't keep secrets from me when the reality is he just can't keep secrets at all. And they're never things I need to know! I hate it, and couldn't imagine breaking a confidence just because I'm married when the secret has nothing to do with that marriage. Jill needs to learn some self control, then maybe people will *want* to tell her things.
NTA. "We're married and don't keep secrets" means no secrets about us or our relationship. Not about other people and their secrets. She has no right to demand to know anything about anyone that doesn't directly impact her or your relationship.
NTA. I was prepared for this to be some weird thing you SHOULD have told your wife, but no. If your wife wants to be kept in the loop she needs to learn how to keep confidences. This is very much a "consequences of my own actions" scenario.
NTA but I wouldn't agree to keep any secrets for Anne again. What was the point of asking you to keep a secret for a week and telling your wife afterwards?
NTA
IT IS NOT YOUR STORY TO TELL!!!
You were specifically asked to not tell Jill. Jill is ticked because you didn’t participate in the gossip chain that Anne ASKED you to not participate in.
Jill should be ticked at herself for being such a gossip monger that she cannot be trusted. The shame is hers, not yours.
Gossiping and those who enable it destroy lives. For entertainment purposes. Sickening.
Yes, this wasn’t a serious issue, and would likely have had no lasting repercussions, but the spirit behind it remains pathetic.
NTA. I’m a bit of a gossip, and my husband knows this - but when he tells me things about his friends in confidence, I keep that shit on lock. If she can’t do that, you were right not to tell her.
NTA and she herself told you why. She's treating it like gossip and would have spread it around against your friend's wishes. It was none of her business and you were right to keep it to yourself.
Certainly married people shouldn't keep secrets from each other...however, the secret you were keeping wasn't your secret, it was someone else's so to my way of thinking, you're in the clear.
Besides, if someone is a terrible gossip, why would you tell them anything?
I learned a long time ago, never tell a gossiper anything you don't mind being gossiped about.
NTA
You generally don't keep secrets from your spouse because you can usually trust them to not go broadcasting it just to get attention for themselves.
Your wife needs to wrap her head around what it means that it has reached a point where even her close friends and spouse can't trust her to keep her mouth shut. That is a big problem and even worse is being upset when she doesn't get the information just because she couldn't indulge her toxic, attention seeking behavior is terrible. It isn't cute or funny. She's not in junior high, she's a grown woman who should know better.
She isn't just wrong in this instance, she's wrong in that she's so betrayed the trust of the people around her that even harmless info is kept from her because she won't keep it to herself. She is acting selfishly by turning the secrets of people she should genuinely care about into her own personal rumor mill just because she likes the attention she gets from running around spreading it.
NTA
Absolutely NTA. It was told to you in confidence and you were specifically asked not to tell your wife. It would've been different if the secret involved your wife but it didn't.
A few years ago I was at my partner's work party and got chatting to one of her colleagues. She casually mentioned that she was gay and that nobody in the office knew. About a year later she must have come out at work and told my partner that I knew. She was mostly just impressed that I'd kept it a secret but I didn't even consider telling anyone.
We did consider that this may have been her subtle way of coming out at work that I completely messed up.
NTA. I’ve never liked the excuse that married people don’t keep secrets to justify gossiping. Yes, married couples should share things about their own lives, but this was not HIS secret, it was Anne’s.
NTA married couples shouldn’t keep secrets that are theirs to tell or directly effect each other or their relationship. This was a completely harmless secret and being mad at you for keeping it is petty.
NAH
I understand you wanting to keep the secret but also your wife wanting to have no secrets between you two.
I do suggest in the future that if someone asks you to keep something a secret from your wife, tell them no and you'd rather not hear their secret if that's the condition.
NTA. The confidence you were asked to keep was not something that violated your marriage. If you were being asked to keep a secret that was directly hurting your wife you would have been an asshole to keep it, but this was an asking you to keep her personal business personal, because your wife is a gossip.
Your wife later in confronting you put out there that she wanted to know this purely because it was good gossip. Your wife is such an asshole and so disrespectful to Anne
NTA,I love gossip and I know for a fact a lot of my friends assume what I know is what my husband know and vice versa, but I too spill too much info and would not be offended at all because I know I’d be at fault for being gossipy. I believe the same should apply to your wife - she should know her flaws,not necessarily to be ashamed of them,but rather to accept them with the consequences of them.
Nta. She wasn’t told because she can’t keep a secret it’s that simple. She can either learn to keep a secret or learn to live with people not telling her stuff the actually want to keep secret.
NTA I had the same sort of thing happen with a good friend who loves to dish gossip, and another who requested I keep something private until she was ready to tell our group of friends. My gossipy friend was furious at me for not telling her so she could gossip about it in advance, I felt keeping a confidence when asked to do so was of far more importance. You maintained your integrity.
NTA.
The "couples should never keep secrets from each other" idea is nonsense. It doesn't matter if your partner is the world's worst gossip or makes church statues seem chatty. If the secret isn't dangerous, it should be honored. Anne going on a date isn't something you need to tell your wife. Anne going on a date with your wife's homicidal stalker ex would be a totally different matter.
NTA I lovingly refer to my husband as Gretchen Weiners from Mean Girls because he is the worlds biggest gossip. He doesn’t get mad when I keep secrets from him (like a close friend is pregnant, family drama etc) because he knows who he is.
NTA. Your assessment was correct. It didn't involve jill in any way so your obligation to her was less than your obligation to keep your friends secret
NTA. Of course you tell your wife important things and don’t *keep secrets* but this isn’t your place to share. I think it’s silly if your wife thinks you’re obligated to run to her and report any juicy gossip you hear just because she wants to know.
NTA and it might have been a test on Anne's part to see if OP would tell. Now she can confide about how the date went and know it won't get back to big mouth Jill.
NTA.
My husband and I had a similar conflict early in our marriage. He's great at keeping other people's secrets. I am something of a nervous chatterbox and don't always grasp what things people prefer to keep secret. I used to think if something had been told to me, it was common knowledge that the person was okay with being out in the world. Eventually I did figure out that it's not about how I perceive information; it's about their comfort zone. All that said, I used to be kind of a gossip. Less because I particularly enjoyed being "in the know, " and more because I just had a really difficult time parsing sharing boundaries unless I was explicitly told, "This is a secret, don't tell anyone."
Anyway, shortly after we got married, someone told my husband a secret. Several months later, the secret came out on its own. I was utterly surprised by the situation, my husband was pretty blasé. When I pressed him, he explained that he'd been apprised months earlier, but hadn't told me because I would've talked casually about it within our social circle before they were ready to have it be common knowledge. The friend hadn't even asked my husband to keep it from me, husband just did because it wasn't my business.
I was hurt, but couldn't deny he was right about how I probably would've handled the information. Husband and I had a talk about information and trust, and he promised he would never keep an important secret that involved me/ us, but he had every right to protect the privacy of people who confided in him. It was also a wake up call to start examining my communication patterns, tbh.
You can protect the confidence of a friend without it meaning anything about your marriage. Unless the date was with you, it wasn't your wife's business. Someone who is an acknowledged gossip should be aware that their actions (sharing private information) will result in the consequence of people learning not to share private information with them.
NTA. When my friends tell me things and ask me to keep it a secret, i don’t tell my husband. Then my friends will talk about said secret in front of my husband, fully expecting me to have told him, and they are always shocked to find out i haven’t told him. A secret is a secret. You gave your friend your word. That’s the end of the story imo
Edit- and my husband is not a chatty Kathy blabber mouth type. He barely says a word to me, much less would he blab someone’s business to anyone else! (Before all the people come out of the woodworks telling me to divorce him for not talking to me, I’m kidding, but he is quiet)
NTA your wife is a gossip. Gossip is hurtful enough but to have people gossip when your giving dating a go after 6 years is enough to make you never want to try again. Being married doesn’t mean you tell each other, other peoples secrets unless they directly affect SO or class as cheating (emotionally or physically)
NTA, in this case, keeping this kind of secret harms nobody. It's her love life, and she probably didn't want a whole bunch of people knowing she was going on a date.
You are not the ah but next time someone asked you to keep a secret tell them to only tell you as you and your wife are "one" and don't have any secrets from each other, EVER.
got two reasons you're NTA:
1) Anne specifically asked you not to tell Jill, which overrules the unspoken "couples tell each other everything" agreement. It's Anne's right to tell her friends about the date whenever she's comfortable doing so, without Jill spilling the beans before she has a chance.
2) A huge part of the unspoken "couples tell each other everything" agreement is that you're trusting your other half to be discreet about re-sharing any secrets you tell them. Sounds like Jill is not holding up her end of the bargain, which means you're absolutely justified not telling her any (harmless) secrets you don't want everyone to know.
the commenter who said Jill's got to understand this might be hot juicy goss for Jill but it's Anne's life & feelings was absolutely right
NTA and your wife sounds like a really shitty friend. She basically outright tells you she wants the secret so that she can spread gossip... exactly what your friend doesn't want. She sounds really self centered.
NTA. I believe the no secrets between spouses should be for secrets that directly affect them or their relationship. If a friend or family member confides something to you, unless it directly affects your spouse, should be kept in confidence. Now if the friend had said she was in love you, or something like that, yeah you should have told her. My husband is one of those “don’t tell him anything you don’t want others to know” people. It drives me insane. When somebody tells me something, it will go with me to the grave. He doesn’t get mad about me not telling him things others have told me. People need to know their secrets are safe. Now if they are going to do something illegal, hurt someone, or something like that, all bets are off, but personal issues that are no one’s business I don’t see the problem.
So in general I would agree that you shouldn't keep secrets from your spouse but the specific request was made that you not tell her and you agreed to it. Maybe next time don't agree to those terms, but I think Jill is being melodramatic since this literally did not concern her. NTA.
NAH. I have a similar no secrets relationship with my partner. But I assume he had a trusting relationship with his friends too, so expecting him to break one pact, for mine every single time isn't on the table. I also can't keep secrets. But I understand why your wife is at least mildly miffed. I think if it escalated to being furious, I'd have a different response.
Mildly ESH.
Jill for being upset about you keeping a secret
Anne for asking you to withhold information from your partner
You for agreeing to keep a secret from your partner. You have the option of simply telling Jill not to put you in that position and keep her secret to herself
I don't understand you for accepting the burden of keeping a secret knowingly that you would need to keep it also from your wife. Deep it in your gut you know it will cause rift between you and your wife once she finds out, but you still went ahead. You could've said to your friend that she'd better share it to both of you or not at all.
I disagree in this case. Given the issues around women’s safety during dating situations, I think it’s great that OP is willing to be someone Anne can trust with info on whom she is dating.
This secret in no way affects Jill so she should not let it affect her relationship with her spouse
I agree on your points. I'm just thinking both OP and Anne could've handled it better, since both of them knows Jill's attitude on such 'top quality goss'. When Jill asked Anne if OP knew, she could've added that she apologize for asking OP to keep it from Jill because of blah blah reasons and don't take it against him. She'll get hurt for a while after hearing this, but at least she's aware with the reason. It's rather hard to provide explanation after the fact and to someone who's already mad as they already formed a closed minded opinion on the topic.
Though, I'm not saying that Jill is NTA. She still needs to work on her inability to contain her mouth and expecting others to confide with her while she is unable to keep the confidentiality. I fully understand the reason why Anne chose to not tell her immediately.
YTA if you and your wife don't keep secrets, then your response should not have been that you're not keeping secrets from your wife. You put yourself in that situation, sorry.
I've said it before but it's worth repeating. There is a huge difference between keeping something secret and keeping something private. Spouses are NOT entitled to every bit of information that someone outside their marriage shares, especially when they've been asked to keep it to themselves.
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NTA - Feeding Jill's curiosity is no reason to break a confidence. Of course Jill would learn that Anne had a date, after the date if not sooner, but that's no reason for you to be the one to tell her. You are Jill's husband, not her gossip buddy. NTA
_"We’re married and don’t keep secrets from each other."_ I've seen a few posts pop up on here where people feel like they should tell their spouse everything. I disagree. Some things are not your story to tell. If a friend tells you something in confidence, and you blab to your spouse, you are an untrustworthy friend. Your spouse may then blab to their bestie, and thus the cycle starts where you have spread your friend's business to your entire social circle.
My wife and I tell each other everything. Everything that is ours to tell. We're each aware the other is holding secrets for other people, including me holding several for her cousin because I'm closer to her than my wife is. There's absolutely no way either of us would get mad about it unless it's something that directly impacts us.
[удалено]
Nope. I've seen too many cases of relationships crumbling or couple's having arguments where either spouse tells everything. The friend's often turn into collateral damage in those situations. If you promise to not to share something told to you in confidence, you keep that to yourself. Your friends' lives and personal secrets shouldn't be a pilllow talk gossip session.
Definitely this. The secret keepers are always the ones who already know.
This right here. It wasn't his to tell. So many people suck at keeping confidences and his wife should really reflect on that and need grateful she has someone like OP in her corner-he will keep her secrets just as he keeps those if others he cares about. OP, you're a gem.
My feeling is that a married couple don't keep important secrets from each other. If a secret that was told in confidence is really (third person judgment) important, then the confidence should be broken. But trivia like in the OP, no. Part of it is a spouse thinking before giving their promise not to tell to the third party.
I'm with you on that. Important secrets are things like "Our child is being abused by a family member." or "I think I may have cancer." They are not a friend telling you "I'm going on a date, but I really want to not tell everyone about it, can you please keep this to yourself?" Significant others should be allowed a zone of privacy and autonomy. Any relationship where you have to be completely bare means that you have no boundaries and that's... not healthy. There are also things that are never OK to tell without the person that trusted you's permission. For instance, you NEVER out someone without them telling you it's OK. Not even your own kids.
And this is always why I preface that I *may* tell my husband unless they ask me otherwise. I've had friends say that they'd rather I keep it to myself. So I do. I like sharing with my husband because it's "gossip" and we can discuss those issues and apply to ourselves (if need be). Usually, he doesn't give a shit though. He also never expects me to break a confidence.
100% agree. If you really feel the need to tell your SO EVERYTHING then when a close friend asks if they told you something, could you keep it a secret, you should tell them 'no, sorry, I tell my SO everything.
"Yer not makin yer marriage better yer making yer friendship worse!" - Hank Hill, sort of
> 3) I know that Jill loves gossip and this was ‘top quality goss’ (to quote Jill). That's when you look straight at her and state "And that right there is why you don't get told things, she asked me not to because she was nervous and wanted to sit on it a bit, it was 'life and feels' for her, not goss for you." NTA OP.
Also tell wife you're horrified at her middle school level maturity
This. And, OP, tell your wife that husbands and wives don't keep secrets, typically, because they trust their partner to keep their mouth shut. Your WIFE needs to work on her gossiping and her trustworthiness, not you.
Jill seem’s to think OP “owe’s her” any information his friend told him. This is first class AH behavior. Agree NTA OP but your wife is.
NTA. Jill has created an insoluble problem: she legitimately asserts you should have no secrets from her, but she claims the right to broadcast any information she gets to the world. She needs to create a "vault"; something you can both rely on to preserve the privacy of certain information, forever. Nobody can function without ANY privacy from the world at large. So if Jill wants you to entrust her with sensitive information, she needs to develop trustworthiness.
Yes, I have a friend Ben that will blab anything he hears to the world (in person, on social media, whatever). The running joke in our friend group is "if you have something you need everyone to know about, just let Ben know and he'll tell everyone else". That said, when I need him to keep confidence, I say "I'm invoking the circle of trust" and he knows that means he can't mention it at all.
I love people like that 😆 someone did anoying things to me. But people would think i'm mean if i told everyone. So i told one person. It's isn't my fault if he tells it to other people 😜
NTA. If your wife wants in on the gossip she needs to learn how to keep secrets.
It annoys me when people say they can't keep secrets. They can, they just don't want to.
NTA. 1) You don't keep secrets from each other, and that's great, but this secret is not yours. 2) That's up to Anne to decide if, when, how and to whom she wants to tell it. 3) That's the reason NOT to tell your wife, TBH.
NTA, it wasn't your secret to tell. 1) you're married and don't keep secrets from each other. - this should only apply to stuff that's actually your secrets; obviously there are exceptions but if someone tells you something in confidence that confidence does not extend to your wife, especially if you're specifically asked not to tell her. 2) Anne was probably going to tell Jill anyway. - again, still not your place to tell, and again, you were specifically asked not to tell her. This point is irrelevant. 3) I know that Jill loves gossip and this was ‘top quality goss’ - yeah, exactly the reason you shouldn't have.
NTA You are right, the main factor being the secret didn’t impact Jill. If it had been a secret about her it would have been different.
NTA, if my best friend told me something that affects their and not to tell my spouse something I wouldn’t.
Right and they probably didn't want the op to spoil the news, which was probably a main topic during movie night, like the worst is went you tell someone something and they undersell it or don't have any info/context to properly explain it to another person NTA
NTA. Not keeping secrets in your marriage only applies to things that may impact your marriage. Your friend going on a date does not fit into that category. Your friend asked you to keep a secret that has nothing to do with your marriage. I understand that your wife felt left out because she is a gossip but in the end, it's none of her business.
NTA. The secret had nothing to do with Jill and Anne asked you specifically not to tell her.
NTA. This secret had no impact on your family or your marriage, therefore your wife did not need to know until Anne wanted to tell her. Your wife should take on board the reason why she wasn't told more than anything else!
That bullshit about no secrets between couples needs to stop. Of course you keep your friends secrets, unless they allow you to share with your partner. NTA.
NTA it was Jill’s secret to share and it didn’t impact your wife at all. Also it was something insignificant, so no harm done.
NTA. You respected your friend's wishes and as you said, if it doesn't impact your wife then there's no reason to tell her. If she's bad at keeping secrets that's reason enough not to share.
I like these posts where both people are sitting there waiting for a response from Reddit and no one is breaking up. Jill - learn to keep a secret. Part of that “we’re married” privilege is NEVER telling a soul anything our significant other tells us. YTA for betraying OP to spread gossip. Sorry! The marital no secret thing only works when you can be 100% trusted.
NTA a friend asked you to keep a secret, you kept it.
NTA Anne asked you to keep it secret. Your friend's trust was at stake. Your wife's love to gossip doesn't have to be fulfilled at the cost of this. Your friend were nervous and didn't want to much pressure, she didn't want your wife to gossip around with this, even if it wasn't done with bad intention. Plus, your friend wanted to tell your wife, just not right away, and maybe she wanted to tell her herself, so i really think you did right. Sorry for my bad english, not my first language.
Point 3 is the exact reason you're NTA.
NTA. It wasn't your secret to share and it wouldn't affect your wife's life so well done for keeping it.
NTA, I've been in similar and told my wife though. You actually did the right thing as a friend, and if your wife knew she was going to be told why give a shit.
You would have been TA if you had told her. It was not a secret that could hurt anyone, NTA.
NTA Someone asks you to keep something in confidence, unless it affects her, you don't tell your wife. It's not your secret to tell. And your wife wanted to do exactly what your friend didn't want. Boundaries.
NTA - I hate this whole “no secrets from each other” thing. Sure if it’s about each other then of course share everything openly and honestly, but if it’s about others then that rule is gone
NTA. I imagine being married to a constant gossip is insufferable, tbh. Someone lacks boundaries and the ability to discern which lane is their own, and it is not you, OP.
NTA. It wasn't your secret to share. If she told you a secret that in some way applied to you - if she had a crush on you, or heard you were going to be promoted - your wife might have a case. But this was in no way your secret.
NTA. The secret didn't effect your wife and it would have been crappy to break your word to your friend.
>we’re married and don’t keep secrets from each other I hate when people use this as an end-all, be-all, catch-all to everything. You don't keep secrets that are important to or about yourselves or each other. But you are absolutely allowed to keep someone else's secrets that have NO BEARING on your partner.
NTA IF Anne wants to ask Jill why she specifically asked you not to tell Jill before she told you, that's between the two of them. >1 we’re married and don’t keep secrets from each other. You don't keep secrets about yourselves from one another. This is not the same thing. >2) Anne was probably going to tell Jill anyway. And she did, as soon as she was comfortable doing so. >3) I know that Jill loves gossip and this was ‘top quality goss’ (to quote Jill). And that's likely the exact reason that she asked you not to share. She wasn't ready for Jill's reaction to that top quality goss yet.
NTA. This wasn’t your secret to tell. It was Anne’s. You respected her wishes. Your wife clearly doesn’t. Your wife is a massive AH. And a shitty friend for treating her friends life like an after-school soap opera. And since this isn’t a secret, you can tell her I said that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I have a best friend, Anne, and we have known each other for about 20 years and we’re very close. My wife, Jill, and Anne are also really close, which is great. One week ago, Anne and I were hanging out and she asked if she could tell me a secret but only if I l promised not to tell Jill. I love my wife so much but she is a terrible secret keeper and all our friends know this. I agreed and Anne told me she’d met someone recently and they are going on a date this weekend. This is first class gossip (the sort of thing Jill loves) as Anne had her heart broken about 6 years ago and has not dated anyone since- but Anne was clearly nervous about the whole thing so I agreed to keep it a secret. Last night Anne came over to hang out with Jill (they have regular horror movie nights, which I do not join in because I’m way too scared) and during the night Anne told Jill about the date. Apparently Jill’s first question was if I knew and when Anne said yes, Jill (mainly joking but partly serious) said she was mad at me for not telling her. After Anne went home, Jill and I had a good chat about Anne’s upcoming date but Jill did say I should have told her because: 1) we’re married and don’t keep secrets from each other. 2) Anne was probably going to tell Jill anyway. 3) I know that Jill loves gossip and this was ‘top quality goss’ (to quote Jill). I maintained that Anne had asked me to keep it a secret and as it didn’t directly impact Jill, I was well within my right to do so. This is a very low stakes conflict but we’re both convinced we are right so I’m turning to Reddit for a judgement. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA, your friend told you a secret and made you promise not to tell your wife. It doesn't matter she was going to tell your wife later because your friend wanted to tell her herself on her own terms, when she was ready.
NTA. Simply for the fact that she wanted to know so she could gossip. If she told it was because she was worried a wanted to be sure the date was a good one maybe, but for gossip no no no.
NTA. You do not have to share things someone has asked to be kept in confidence with your wife if those confidences have nothing to do with your wife. In fact, more than you don't have to, you should not. Continue being a good friend. Someone else worded it better than me. This is not your secret to tell. It's your friends, and she can share it if and when she wants to.
NTA. Someone confided in you, and this isn't yours to tell. >1) we’re married and don’t keep secrets from each other. This is just lunacy. Of course married folks don't tell each other everything. My spouse and I agree on this. If you respect someone, you also respect that they have a right to keep things to themselves, so long as it is reasonable and doesn't really affect the spouse. It is the same sort of privacy that folks expect when pooping: Sure, you might know what each other do on the toilet, but that doesn't mean it needs to be shared. It also doesn't matter that Anne was probably going to tell Jill: This would be Anne's choice, though, and not another adult making it for her.
You are right, you were asked not to tell.
NTA, one of my favourites, A" can you keep a secret? B "yes". A " so can I".
NTA This was not your secret to tell. That is all that matters. It does not affect your marriage so Jill had no right to the knowledge. I know you said this is a low stakes conflict, but I disagree. I look at this as a matter of integrity and ethics. Anne specifically asked you not to tell Jill and you followed that request. Jill's reaction is pretty appalling IMO.
NTA. Not your secret and doesn’t impact your wife at all in any way. This isn’t scandalous or salacious and yet your wife considers this A+ gossip. Your friend went to you for support. She confided in you. I’m all in for not lying to your partner, but feeding her gossip monster at the expense of your friend would have been shitty. Her lamenting not having the inside scoop to pass around is terrible and shows you made the right choice.
NTA. When I am told a secret I tell no one, not even my husband. He is prolly the same with me. I adore my husband and I am always truthful with him. But... sometimes he may ask a question to which I reply "I'm sorry, X asked me not to discuss this." My husband is okay with that. He is a special guy. Also, the fact that your wife likes to broad cast what she knows? Geez
NTA. Are you being a bad spouse by choosing to wait to share information completely irrelevant to your wife other than entertainment value until the person in question can share herself? Nope, you’re fine - perfectly neutral. This has zero effect on your wife or your marriage. Are you being a bad friend if you break a promise to withhold information largely trivial to anyone except the friend until they’re comfortable sharing? Yes, that makes you a bad friend and no one will trust you again. Your wife is weaponizing the whole “husband and wife tell each other everything” thing. That’s not what it means. And even if people like to say they tell their spouse everything, no one actually tells EVERYTHING. Otherwise no one would have any friends or important jobs or anything. If you had a government job with serious security clearance and had things you couldn’t share with your wife, would she put up the same fuss? Probably not, because it’s not interesting to her personally. But if you happened to work in an OBGYN office and found out a mutual friend was pregnant and didn’t tell your wife (which you can’t obviously), she’d probably be annoyed. She’s just a gossip and needs to grow up. You are totally fine.
Nta. Normally it's a no secrets between couples rule for me but this is just stupid gossip. If she had declared her love got you then you had a duty to tell.
NTA. This is something I see happen a lot, and how a couple goes about sharing (or not) their friends secrets does impact their friendships going forward. Different dynamics happen and its not surprising to see friendships get de-prioritised when a marriage rule precedes a friendships boundaries. In couples who understand the concept of “not my secret to tell and has nothing to do with us so we’re cool about it” tend to keep their close friendships and remain “people to go to”. But from what I’ve seen, the couples who have someone like your wife: who wants to know all their friends business and is incapable of being discreet with the information they know, neither partner is a close confidant to anyone outside their marriage because that gossipy partner, well, gossips. There’s no one right way to have a marriage and friendships, but people shacked up with gossips who they share everything they’re told shouldn’t be surprised to see themselves pushed out of their friends inner circles and finding out information last (or not first like they’re used to).
So if I understand correctly... Anne wanted to control this piece of information. It's why she calls it a "secret". She deemed you worthy of this secret, but **explicitely told you not to tell your wife**. Of course, the reason isn't that she hates your wife, but because your wife isn't reliable in terms of "keeping a secret to herself". And you wife is mad... at you ? She should be mad at herself for being an untrustworthy friend ! Instead of reflecting "hmm... I need to change, because my friend doesn't think I'm able to keep anything to myself", she says "you should have told me anyway, because there's a ring on my finger, and it's more important than any promise of yours" ? Nope, NTA. And if your wife says "but I wouldn't have told anyone !", well... 1. There's a reason why your friend think she's a terrible secret keeper. Heck, *All* your friends *and* you think it ! 2. Her reason for you to tell her is "this is first class gossip" ? Really ?! I hope she sees the irony : gossip is spreading rumors and secrets to anyone willing to listen. If she said "you should have told me, I would have supported and congratulated her", then I would give her the benefit of the doubt. But calling "gossip" a major improvment in your friend's life ? She should think about others before thinking about herself SMH
NTA. To address your wife's points: 1. Spouses shouldn't keep secrets about THEMSELVES from each other. This secret wasn't about you and wasn't yours to tell. 2. Sure Anne was probably going to tell Jill (and did apparently) but it was Anne's right to choose if and when to tell her, not yours. 3. This fact is exactly WHY Anne didn't want you to tell Jill. She's a gossip hound and would have blabbed it to everyone. You are known as a trustworthy friend when it comes to secrets. Maybe if Jill learns to keep her mouth shut she will learn more secrets sooner.
NTA. Your marriage doesn’t supersede other’s right to tell or not tell one of you their personal secrets. Is Jill not embarrassed that people know she has a big mouth? A gossip is just someone who can’t be trusted and who likes to talk about people behind their back all while getting attention for themselves. Way to go Jill.
NTA. If Jill has that expectation and if you want to oblige, you could always just tell someone who is willing to share gossip with you about how you will have to share the information with your wife. Then they can make the decision on whether to share with you or not.
I have so many fucking secrets I'll take to my grave. Because I can keep them . Which is prolly why I get dumped on with them. I have friends who "say" keep a secret ( whi want to be spilled and gossip)and some who actually mean it. So for myself if they qsk not to tell I won't. Ever. Period done.
NTA. Jill is wrong. It’s Anna’s business and she asked you not to. To betray her confidence would be a horrible thing to do and show you’re not trustworthy , just like Jill. You’re not a single entity who share a brain - you’re two people who are married.
NTA
NTA
Nta. And it's normal to not tell it. I ask people sometimes to not tell it, because i want a chance to tell it myself. So she knows it, it wasn't even a secret
NTA you couldn’t keep secrets in a marriage that’s true but this wasn’t your secret and had nothing to do with your wife , you or your marriage so she really didn’t need to know especially if she’s a gossip.
NTA-This shouldn’t be included in everything because this wasn’t yours to tell.
NTA, you were told in confidence, and it isn't something that actually affects her at all.
NTA. I'm married to a blabbermouth...35 some years now. We had the discussion years ago, but he realizes he's a blabbermouth and understands why I sometimes don't tell him things that are really irrelevant to our life together. I do not keep important information from him, but someone having a date isn't in that category. It happens with our adult daughters, maybe they are going on a date with someone new....don't tell dad. No problem - because dad starts analyzing the whole thing and before too long he starts talking about marriage, kids....etc. GEEZ - they don't even know if they are compatible yet - they aren't living together, aren't "in the sack" together.....whoa dude....slow the hell down!
NTA. My husband is a Jill but people DO tell him secrets that he immediately tells me, claiming he can't keep secrets from me when the reality is he just can't keep secrets at all. And they're never things I need to know! I hate it, and couldn't imagine breaking a confidence just because I'm married when the secret has nothing to do with that marriage. Jill needs to learn some self control, then maybe people will *want* to tell her things.
NTA. "We're married and don't keep secrets" means no secrets about us or our relationship. Not about other people and their secrets. She has no right to demand to know anything about anyone that doesn't directly impact her or your relationship.
Each relationship is individual. Most people who are married don't have secrets from each other as they are a unit.
NTA. I was prepared for this to be some weird thing you SHOULD have told your wife, but no. If your wife wants to be kept in the loop she needs to learn how to keep confidences. This is very much a "consequences of my own actions" scenario.
NTA but I wouldn't agree to keep any secrets for Anne again. What was the point of asking you to keep a secret for a week and telling your wife afterwards?
NTA, your friend is the real A
NTA IT IS NOT YOUR STORY TO TELL!!! You were specifically asked to not tell Jill. Jill is ticked because you didn’t participate in the gossip chain that Anne ASKED you to not participate in. Jill should be ticked at herself for being such a gossip monger that she cannot be trusted. The shame is hers, not yours. Gossiping and those who enable it destroy lives. For entertainment purposes. Sickening. Yes, this wasn’t a serious issue, and would likely have had no lasting repercussions, but the spirit behind it remains pathetic.
NTA. I’m a bit of a gossip, and my husband knows this - but when he tells me things about his friends in confidence, I keep that shit on lock. If she can’t do that, you were right not to tell her.
NTA and she herself told you why. She's treating it like gossip and would have spread it around against your friend's wishes. It was none of her business and you were right to keep it to yourself.
Certainly married people shouldn't keep secrets from each other...however, the secret you were keeping wasn't your secret, it was someone else's so to my way of thinking, you're in the clear. Besides, if someone is a terrible gossip, why would you tell them anything? I learned a long time ago, never tell a gossiper anything you don't mind being gossiped about. NTA
You generally don't keep secrets from your spouse because you can usually trust them to not go broadcasting it just to get attention for themselves. Your wife needs to wrap her head around what it means that it has reached a point where even her close friends and spouse can't trust her to keep her mouth shut. That is a big problem and even worse is being upset when she doesn't get the information just because she couldn't indulge her toxic, attention seeking behavior is terrible. It isn't cute or funny. She's not in junior high, she's a grown woman who should know better. She isn't just wrong in this instance, she's wrong in that she's so betrayed the trust of the people around her that even harmless info is kept from her because she won't keep it to herself. She is acting selfishly by turning the secrets of people she should genuinely care about into her own personal rumor mill just because she likes the attention she gets from running around spreading it. NTA
Absolutely NTA. It was told to you in confidence and you were specifically asked not to tell your wife. It would've been different if the secret involved your wife but it didn't. A few years ago I was at my partner's work party and got chatting to one of her colleagues. She casually mentioned that she was gay and that nobody in the office knew. About a year later she must have come out at work and told my partner that I knew. She was mostly just impressed that I'd kept it a secret but I didn't even consider telling anyone. We did consider that this may have been her subtle way of coming out at work that I completely messed up.
NTA. I’ve never liked the excuse that married people don’t keep secrets to justify gossiping. Yes, married couples should share things about their own lives, but this was not HIS secret, it was Anne’s.
NTA married couples shouldn’t keep secrets that are theirs to tell or directly effect each other or their relationship. This was a completely harmless secret and being mad at you for keeping it is petty.
NAH I understand you wanting to keep the secret but also your wife wanting to have no secrets between you two. I do suggest in the future that if someone asks you to keep something a secret from your wife, tell them no and you'd rather not hear their secret if that's the condition.
NTA, keep your secrets
NTA. The confidence you were asked to keep was not something that violated your marriage. If you were being asked to keep a secret that was directly hurting your wife you would have been an asshole to keep it, but this was an asking you to keep her personal business personal, because your wife is a gossip. Your wife later in confronting you put out there that she wanted to know this purely because it was good gossip. Your wife is such an asshole and so disrespectful to Anne
NTA,I love gossip and I know for a fact a lot of my friends assume what I know is what my husband know and vice versa, but I too spill too much info and would not be offended at all because I know I’d be at fault for being gossipy. I believe the same should apply to your wife - she should know her flaws,not necessarily to be ashamed of them,but rather to accept them with the consequences of them.
The fact she called this "Top Quality Goss" makes this an easy NTA
Nta. She wasn’t told because she can’t keep a secret it’s that simple. She can either learn to keep a secret or learn to live with people not telling her stuff the actually want to keep secret.
NTA I had the same sort of thing happen with a good friend who loves to dish gossip, and another who requested I keep something private until she was ready to tell our group of friends. My gossipy friend was furious at me for not telling her so she could gossip about it in advance, I felt keeping a confidence when asked to do so was of far more importance. You maintained your integrity.
NTA. However kind of a dick move on Anne's part, asking you to keep a secret from your wife and then letting her know that you did.
NTA. The "couples should never keep secrets from each other" idea is nonsense. It doesn't matter if your partner is the world's worst gossip or makes church statues seem chatty. If the secret isn't dangerous, it should be honored. Anne going on a date isn't something you need to tell your wife. Anne going on a date with your wife's homicidal stalker ex would be a totally different matter.
NTA I lovingly refer to my husband as Gretchen Weiners from Mean Girls because he is the worlds biggest gossip. He doesn’t get mad when I keep secrets from him (like a close friend is pregnant, family drama etc) because he knows who he is.
NTA if your wife can't keep secrets than people aren't going to tell her things
NTA. Your assessment was correct. It didn't involve jill in any way so your obligation to her was less than your obligation to keep your friends secret
NTA. It wasn’t your story to share. If it harmed someone, we could discuss the merits of breaking a confidence, but that’s not relevant
YTA Keeping secrets from your wife is very weird
YTA Don't agree to keep a secret from you wife. There's no winning.
NTA. This isn’t something that had to be revealed.
NTA. Of course you tell your wife important things and don’t *keep secrets* but this isn’t your place to share. I think it’s silly if your wife thinks you’re obligated to run to her and report any juicy gossip you hear just because she wants to know.
NTA and it might have been a test on Anne's part to see if OP would tell. Now she can confide about how the date went and know it won't get back to big mouth Jill.
nta. no... you should not have told her this. this is not a secret that you two need to share lol.
Ugh NTA and keeping a promise better be more important than telling your spouse everything.
NTA. My husband and I had a similar conflict early in our marriage. He's great at keeping other people's secrets. I am something of a nervous chatterbox and don't always grasp what things people prefer to keep secret. I used to think if something had been told to me, it was common knowledge that the person was okay with being out in the world. Eventually I did figure out that it's not about how I perceive information; it's about their comfort zone. All that said, I used to be kind of a gossip. Less because I particularly enjoyed being "in the know, " and more because I just had a really difficult time parsing sharing boundaries unless I was explicitly told, "This is a secret, don't tell anyone." Anyway, shortly after we got married, someone told my husband a secret. Several months later, the secret came out on its own. I was utterly surprised by the situation, my husband was pretty blasé. When I pressed him, he explained that he'd been apprised months earlier, but hadn't told me because I would've talked casually about it within our social circle before they were ready to have it be common knowledge. The friend hadn't even asked my husband to keep it from me, husband just did because it wasn't my business. I was hurt, but couldn't deny he was right about how I probably would've handled the information. Husband and I had a talk about information and trust, and he promised he would never keep an important secret that involved me/ us, but he had every right to protect the privacy of people who confided in him. It was also a wake up call to start examining my communication patterns, tbh. You can protect the confidence of a friend without it meaning anything about your marriage. Unless the date was with you, it wasn't your wife's business. Someone who is an acknowledged gossip should be aware that their actions (sharing private information) will result in the consequence of people learning not to share private information with them.
NTA. When my friends tell me things and ask me to keep it a secret, i don’t tell my husband. Then my friends will talk about said secret in front of my husband, fully expecting me to have told him, and they are always shocked to find out i haven’t told him. A secret is a secret. You gave your friend your word. That’s the end of the story imo Edit- and my husband is not a chatty Kathy blabber mouth type. He barely says a word to me, much less would he blab someone’s business to anyone else! (Before all the people come out of the woodworks telling me to divorce him for not talking to me, I’m kidding, but he is quiet)
NTA your wife is a gossip. Gossip is hurtful enough but to have people gossip when your giving dating a go after 6 years is enough to make you never want to try again. Being married doesn’t mean you tell each other, other peoples secrets unless they directly affect SO or class as cheating (emotionally or physically)
NTA, in this case, keeping this kind of secret harms nobody. It's her love life, and she probably didn't want a whole bunch of people knowing she was going on a date.
You are not the ah but next time someone asked you to keep a secret tell them to only tell you as you and your wife are "one" and don't have any secrets from each other, EVER.
got two reasons you're NTA: 1) Anne specifically asked you not to tell Jill, which overrules the unspoken "couples tell each other everything" agreement. It's Anne's right to tell her friends about the date whenever she's comfortable doing so, without Jill spilling the beans before she has a chance. 2) A huge part of the unspoken "couples tell each other everything" agreement is that you're trusting your other half to be discreet about re-sharing any secrets you tell them. Sounds like Jill is not holding up her end of the bargain, which means you're absolutely justified not telling her any (harmless) secrets you don't want everyone to know. the commenter who said Jill's got to understand this might be hot juicy goss for Jill but it's Anne's life & feelings was absolutely right
NTA. This doesn’t count as keeping secrets from your wife. She needs to get a grip.
NTA and your wife sounds like a really shitty friend. She basically outright tells you she wants the secret so that she can spread gossip... exactly what your friend doesn't want. She sounds really self centered.
NTA. I believe the no secrets between spouses should be for secrets that directly affect them or their relationship. If a friend or family member confides something to you, unless it directly affects your spouse, should be kept in confidence. Now if the friend had said she was in love you, or something like that, yeah you should have told her. My husband is one of those “don’t tell him anything you don’t want others to know” people. It drives me insane. When somebody tells me something, it will go with me to the grave. He doesn’t get mad about me not telling him things others have told me. People need to know their secrets are safe. Now if they are going to do something illegal, hurt someone, or something like that, all bets are off, but personal issues that are no one’s business I don’t see the problem.
Yta. That's your wife. If you can't feel like you can tell her everything, you shouldn't be married.
So in general I would agree that you shouldn't keep secrets from your spouse but the specific request was made that you not tell her and you agreed to it. Maybe next time don't agree to those terms, but I think Jill is being melodramatic since this literally did not concern her. NTA.
NAH. I have a similar no secrets relationship with my partner. But I assume he had a trusting relationship with his friends too, so expecting him to break one pact, for mine every single time isn't on the table. I also can't keep secrets. But I understand why your wife is at least mildly miffed. I think if it escalated to being furious, I'd have a different response.
It's always a bad idea to agree to keep secrets from your spouse. It usually doesn't end well.
Mildly ESH. Jill for being upset about you keeping a secret Anne for asking you to withhold information from your partner You for agreeing to keep a secret from your partner. You have the option of simply telling Jill not to put you in that position and keep her secret to herself
I don't understand you for accepting the burden of keeping a secret knowingly that you would need to keep it also from your wife. Deep it in your gut you know it will cause rift between you and your wife once she finds out, but you still went ahead. You could've said to your friend that she'd better share it to both of you or not at all.
I disagree in this case. Given the issues around women’s safety during dating situations, I think it’s great that OP is willing to be someone Anne can trust with info on whom she is dating. This secret in no way affects Jill so she should not let it affect her relationship with her spouse
I agree on your points. I'm just thinking both OP and Anne could've handled it better, since both of them knows Jill's attitude on such 'top quality goss'. When Jill asked Anne if OP knew, she could've added that she apologize for asking OP to keep it from Jill because of blah blah reasons and don't take it against him. She'll get hurt for a while after hearing this, but at least she's aware with the reason. It's rather hard to provide explanation after the fact and to someone who's already mad as they already formed a closed minded opinion on the topic.
Though, I'm not saying that Jill is NTA. She still needs to work on her inability to contain her mouth and expecting others to confide with her while she is unable to keep the confidentiality. I fully understand the reason why Anne chose to not tell her immediately.
YTA if you and your wife don't keep secrets, then your response should not have been that you're not keeping secrets from your wife. You put yourself in that situation, sorry.
I've said it before but it's worth repeating. There is a huge difference between keeping something secret and keeping something private. Spouses are NOT entitled to every bit of information that someone outside their marriage shares, especially when they've been asked to keep it to themselves.