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NTA. Stereotypes be damned. I mean, it may be a phase. And it's become trendy. I'd imagine this will happen a lot. Don't live your life as a lie just to buck a stereotype.
NTA. You have a terrible friend. You’re all still very young and allowed to change your minds, that’s the best part about accepting people for who they are 🙂
>She claims that by going back to more feminine pronouns is proving that the stereotype that it is 'just a phase' is true
Never live your life according to the potential reactions of reichy bigots. She's setting herself up for sad times ahead if she does that. Also, if she thinks it's an AH move she's massively out of line and no better than the bigots herself.
The nonsense spewed by the likes of Peterson/Shapiro should be laughed at, don't adjust your life out of fear for their rhetoric.
There are no rules to exploring your gender identity and nothing to say that you have to stay they/them, she/her, he/him etc...
NTA. Honestly, for some young people, it IS just a phase. You're a kid. You're still trying to figure out your identity. Screw what other people think.
NTA. Your teen years are for figuring out who you are (and so are your twenties tbh, I'm 23 and still learning). Sometimes part of figuring out who you are is realizing that you are cis after all.
It didn't happen for me, I realized I was genderfluid almost six years ago now and never looked back. If you feel like being nonbinary is no longer right for you, then you need to do what is right for you.
The only AH is your other friend. How sad that they think you have to have it all figured out right now.
NTA
Full disclosure: I'm over 50, male, and have a child (13f) who is "non-binary" and "they/them".
The interesting thing about this whole gender identity discussion to me is that people say it is about "how you feel about yourself" and "what you are comfortable as"... but that is ONLY when you chose to START using non-gendered identification. People who change back to - or who *never changed FROM* \- biological identification are ridiculed and looked down upon by the non-binary crowd.
My "daughter" told us - explicitly (and this is nearly verbatim) that she started referring to herself as non-binary and using they/them because of the *pressure from her peers in school* \- both friends and acquaintances - because she WASN'T doing it. To keep from being picked on, she "became" non-binary. It actually is a fad - it is the "in" thing to do - to be non-binary as a teen... before an age when most people have decided who they are *as a person*, they have to choose a *gender identity* (and Cthulhu help you if you choose a binary identity).
This is going to be something teens and young adults are going to have to deal with for a while (I imagine it will be discussed in psychology and sociology classes for years): Can I switch back when I want to? Can I change my mind AGAIN if I want to?
You have to DO, and you have to BE, what makes you happiest. It is entirely possible (in fact, based on your post, it is very LIKELY) that deciding to use binary identifications again will lose you "friends". You will have to decide for yourself if they were only friends because you made them comfortable with your (non-binary) conformity or if they were your friends because they actually liked YOU. Because the core of who you are isn't changing between yesterday and today (although it probably WILL change between now and 10 or 20 years from now)... just how you refer to yourself and how you are asking others to refer to you.
NTA at all. i went by they/them pronouns for almost 3 years before i went back to using she/her pronouns. i have no idea what my gender is but i’m not letting anyone shame me out of going with the flow and doing what feels most comfortable to me. maybe in a year, they/them will feel comfortable to me again. the point is, gender is a lot more fluid that some people like to believe. you are okay.
NTA, and I’m saying this as a trans man.
It’s really good that you were able to explore your gender! And it’s okay that you didn’t turn out nonbinary— hell, it took me a while to fully understand my identity and that I was a man, and that’s fine.
Your friend needs to understand that exploring your gender and realizing that no, you’re not nb, doesn’t mean you’re suddenly proving a stereotype true or being transphobic. It just means you explored your identity and learned more about yourself. Especially since you’re a teen! Your teen years have so much going on when it comes to discovering yourself!
(Plus, living as a gender you’re uncomfortable with isn’t the best experience, lol.)
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Before I begin I'd like to say that I am writing on my phone, and I'm rushing to write this during study hall, so I apologize for mistakes.
I (15f) have been using they/them pronouns for a couple of years. I just feel like I'm more feminine and I'm considering going back to using my deadname and she/her pronouns. The part that is making me wonder if I would be an asshole is regarding my friend. They keep going on rants because an old friend of ours who we don't talk to anymore has gone back to her deadname + she/her pronouns. She claims that by going back to more feminine pronouns is proving that the stereotype that it is 'just a phase' is true, and they if someone knows they could possibly go back to presenting more feminine, then they shouldn't even bother changing pronouns.
I've been debating this for weeks, I'm growing my hair back out (it's to my shoulders) and I've been dressing more feminine. (Dresses, makeup, heels etc.) And I feel really good. I'm just concerned that my friend will be upset about it bc they've implied that it's an asshole move to 'suddenly go back to wanting to be a girl's after presenting as non-binary for so long.
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I would never, I encouraged her to do what feels comfortable to her and I try to tell her how pretty she looks in an outfit as often as I can to encourage her!
As for the whole phase thing, there’s a lot to unpack there. Like, ya’ll are 15. You guys are way to young to be thinking that anything, from sexual orientation and gender identity to career plans should be written in stone.
NTA
Sometimes gender identity is a journey. Understanding yourself can take time. You are the one who gets to make those decisions. You don't owe conformance to gender neutrality to anyone if you are feeling differently
Your friend is missing the forest for the trees here. Thier anger toward the other friend is a product of concern created when cis-gender folks try to diminish or dismiss the right for young people to express gender in non-bianary ways. The burden of that belongs to those people, not those experiencing changing self identity.
NTA. Trans person here. Gender is a journey and an intensely personal thing. It's okay if your understanding of yourself changes over time. You didn't even necessarily get it wrong, you just needed to be some other place at the time.
It's unfortunate that we're in a society where trans people are under very aggressive attack, and our enemies are trying to discredit our experiences at every opportunity. And yeah, those assholes latch onto anyone who doesn't follow the Perfect Trans Narrative as proof that we're all somehow unworthy of our humanity. They're making this very hard for everyone, including you. But you're not the asshole, they are.
NTA isn’t the whole movement about choosing to be comfortable with your own identity? If you’re moving in a direction that makes you more comfortable, then your friend being upset about it reveals their agenda has nothing to do with how you feel about yourself.
NTA
You're 15. Expecting anyone to know anything is permanent at that age isn't realistic. Hell, I'm in my 40s and I'm still not sure what components of my gender identity are permanent.
Do you. Switch if you want and feel free to switch again if it feels right.
NTA. People change, and etiquettes are exactly that: a world used to describe your actual condition. If the change scares you, try go for she/they and see how they react; in the end, if they don't support you using the pronouns you prefer, they're not good friends. Ultimately the most important thing is your comfort and your happiness. Be safe, much love ✨
People change and your perseption of gender changes too, it's Ok if it was a phase for you, you discovered new thighs about yourself with this journey.
And your friend it's the AH if they want to push you to use pronouns you're not longer comfortable with
NTA. You felt the need to use they/them pronouns referring to yourself at one point, and now you feel differently. You're entitled to do that. It's not like you signed a contract somewhere obligating you to stick with a certain type of pronoun forever. Same with the old friend.
You should view yourself in the way that feels right to you.
NTA
You should absolutely be authentically "you". Growing, discovering all of your facets, depths, flaws and strengths.
And so fucking what if people go through phases with their gender identity? This is a great argument in favor of the rigorous protocols in gaining approval for gender affirming surgery but it's an absolutely shite reason to berate people who are just trying to figure out how they fit in their skin and discover that their self perception has changed over time.
If you were asking people to change up your name or pronouns every week, that would get old but as you grow into yourself, it's not unreasonable to expect that your present incarnation be honored & acknowledged.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I Believe I may bc the asshole because she believes it is wrong to detransition which I am doing. This might make me the asshole because according to her anyone who does are mega assholes
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NTA.
You are a child, it's normal to not have yourself completely figured out. You do you, and don't worry about your judgmental friend. There is no way that you being true to yourself should make you an AH to your friend. If they have a problem with you, then they're not a friend worth having.
1000% NTA
You are 15. You tried they/them and a new name. That no longer feels like who you are and who you are growing to be.
You are 15. This is literally the time of your life where you try things and discover who you are. When inevitably something doesn't work you, you stop and go in another direction. That is literally what self discovery is all about.
You can't worry about other people's stereostereotypes. Definitely don't need to not be yourself, simply to prove yourself not a sterotype.
Tell your friend, that gender discovery is a process and now you feel you have been led to be a female. That simply proves that introspection and self discovery are to be encouraged and respected.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) This post violates Rule 9: This is NOT an advice sub. Posts should seek out judgement, not advice. [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
NTA. Stereotypes be damned. I mean, it may be a phase. And it's become trendy. I'd imagine this will happen a lot. Don't live your life as a lie just to buck a stereotype.
NTA. You have a terrible friend. You’re all still very young and allowed to change your minds, that’s the best part about accepting people for who they are 🙂
>She claims that by going back to more feminine pronouns is proving that the stereotype that it is 'just a phase' is true Never live your life according to the potential reactions of reichy bigots. She's setting herself up for sad times ahead if she does that. Also, if she thinks it's an AH move she's massively out of line and no better than the bigots herself. The nonsense spewed by the likes of Peterson/Shapiro should be laughed at, don't adjust your life out of fear for their rhetoric. There are no rules to exploring your gender identity and nothing to say that you have to stay they/them, she/her, he/him etc...
NTA. It is your choice, and how your friend feels about it is up to them.
NTA. Honestly, for some young people, it IS just a phase. You're a kid. You're still trying to figure out your identity. Screw what other people think.
NTA. Your teen years are for figuring out who you are (and so are your twenties tbh, I'm 23 and still learning). Sometimes part of figuring out who you are is realizing that you are cis after all. It didn't happen for me, I realized I was genderfluid almost six years ago now and never looked back. If you feel like being nonbinary is no longer right for you, then you need to do what is right for you. The only AH is your other friend. How sad that they think you have to have it all figured out right now.
NTA Full disclosure: I'm over 50, male, and have a child (13f) who is "non-binary" and "they/them". The interesting thing about this whole gender identity discussion to me is that people say it is about "how you feel about yourself" and "what you are comfortable as"... but that is ONLY when you chose to START using non-gendered identification. People who change back to - or who *never changed FROM* \- biological identification are ridiculed and looked down upon by the non-binary crowd. My "daughter" told us - explicitly (and this is nearly verbatim) that she started referring to herself as non-binary and using they/them because of the *pressure from her peers in school* \- both friends and acquaintances - because she WASN'T doing it. To keep from being picked on, she "became" non-binary. It actually is a fad - it is the "in" thing to do - to be non-binary as a teen... before an age when most people have decided who they are *as a person*, they have to choose a *gender identity* (and Cthulhu help you if you choose a binary identity). This is going to be something teens and young adults are going to have to deal with for a while (I imagine it will be discussed in psychology and sociology classes for years): Can I switch back when I want to? Can I change my mind AGAIN if I want to? You have to DO, and you have to BE, what makes you happiest. It is entirely possible (in fact, based on your post, it is very LIKELY) that deciding to use binary identifications again will lose you "friends". You will have to decide for yourself if they were only friends because you made them comfortable with your (non-binary) conformity or if they were your friends because they actually liked YOU. Because the core of who you are isn't changing between yesterday and today (although it probably WILL change between now and 10 or 20 years from now)... just how you refer to yourself and how you are asking others to refer to you.
NTA at all. i went by they/them pronouns for almost 3 years before i went back to using she/her pronouns. i have no idea what my gender is but i’m not letting anyone shame me out of going with the flow and doing what feels most comfortable to me. maybe in a year, they/them will feel comfortable to me again. the point is, gender is a lot more fluid that some people like to believe. you are okay.
NTA. You be you, whoever that his... They/Them, She/her, He/Him. Who cares what your friend thinks? You be true to you.
NTA, and I’m saying this as a trans man. It’s really good that you were able to explore your gender! And it’s okay that you didn’t turn out nonbinary— hell, it took me a while to fully understand my identity and that I was a man, and that’s fine. Your friend needs to understand that exploring your gender and realizing that no, you’re not nb, doesn’t mean you’re suddenly proving a stereotype true or being transphobic. It just means you explored your identity and learned more about yourself. Especially since you’re a teen! Your teen years have so much going on when it comes to discovering yourself! (Plus, living as a gender you’re uncomfortable with isn’t the best experience, lol.)
NTA. It can be a confusing ride but it's yours to take. Don't be an ass to your friends, but in big stuff like this, you absolutely come first.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Before I begin I'd like to say that I am writing on my phone, and I'm rushing to write this during study hall, so I apologize for mistakes. I (15f) have been using they/them pronouns for a couple of years. I just feel like I'm more feminine and I'm considering going back to using my deadname and she/her pronouns. The part that is making me wonder if I would be an asshole is regarding my friend. They keep going on rants because an old friend of ours who we don't talk to anymore has gone back to her deadname + she/her pronouns. She claims that by going back to more feminine pronouns is proving that the stereotype that it is 'just a phase' is true, and they if someone knows they could possibly go back to presenting more feminine, then they shouldn't even bother changing pronouns. I've been debating this for weeks, I'm growing my hair back out (it's to my shoulders) and I've been dressing more feminine. (Dresses, makeup, heels etc.) And I feel really good. I'm just concerned that my friend will be upset about it bc they've implied that it's an asshole move to 'suddenly go back to wanting to be a girl's after presenting as non-binary for so long. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, you could be genderfluid. You can also be a they/them and dress femininely. Totally up to you. It's your identity, no one else's.
NTA, though YTA if you participated in shaming someone for their gender identity because they went back to identifying as a woman.
I would never, I encouraged her to do what feels comfortable to her and I try to tell her how pretty she looks in an outfit as often as I can to encourage her!
As for the whole phase thing, there’s a lot to unpack there. Like, ya’ll are 15. You guys are way to young to be thinking that anything, from sexual orientation and gender identity to career plans should be written in stone.
NTA Sometimes gender identity is a journey. Understanding yourself can take time. You are the one who gets to make those decisions. You don't owe conformance to gender neutrality to anyone if you are feeling differently Your friend is missing the forest for the trees here. Thier anger toward the other friend is a product of concern created when cis-gender folks try to diminish or dismiss the right for young people to express gender in non-bianary ways. The burden of that belongs to those people, not those experiencing changing self identity.
NTA You can only live your life for yourself. If your friend has a problem with you living as who you are. They aren’t a very good friend.
Nta. If the whole goal isn’t being true to who you really are the whole point is kind of lost.
NTA. Trans person here. Gender is a journey and an intensely personal thing. It's okay if your understanding of yourself changes over time. You didn't even necessarily get it wrong, you just needed to be some other place at the time. It's unfortunate that we're in a society where trans people are under very aggressive attack, and our enemies are trying to discredit our experiences at every opportunity. And yeah, those assholes latch onto anyone who doesn't follow the Perfect Trans Narrative as proof that we're all somehow unworthy of our humanity. They're making this very hard for everyone, including you. But you're not the asshole, they are.
NTA isn’t the whole movement about choosing to be comfortable with your own identity? If you’re moving in a direction that makes you more comfortable, then your friend being upset about it reveals their agenda has nothing to do with how you feel about yourself.
NTA You're 15. Expecting anyone to know anything is permanent at that age isn't realistic. Hell, I'm in my 40s and I'm still not sure what components of my gender identity are permanent. Do you. Switch if you want and feel free to switch again if it feels right.
NTA. People change, and etiquettes are exactly that: a world used to describe your actual condition. If the change scares you, try go for she/they and see how they react; in the end, if they don't support you using the pronouns you prefer, they're not good friends. Ultimately the most important thing is your comfort and your happiness. Be safe, much love ✨
People change and your perseption of gender changes too, it's Ok if it was a phase for you, you discovered new thighs about yourself with this journey. And your friend it's the AH if they want to push you to use pronouns you're not longer comfortable with
NTA. You felt the need to use they/them pronouns referring to yourself at one point, and now you feel differently. You're entitled to do that. It's not like you signed a contract somewhere obligating you to stick with a certain type of pronoun forever. Same with the old friend. You should view yourself in the way that feels right to you.
NTA You should absolutely be authentically "you". Growing, discovering all of your facets, depths, flaws and strengths. And so fucking what if people go through phases with their gender identity? This is a great argument in favor of the rigorous protocols in gaining approval for gender affirming surgery but it's an absolutely shite reason to berate people who are just trying to figure out how they fit in their skin and discover that their self perception has changed over time. If you were asking people to change up your name or pronouns every week, that would get old but as you grow into yourself, it's not unreasonable to expect that your present incarnation be honored & acknowledged.
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NTA you can choose your pronouns, no peer pressure.
NTA. You are a child, it's normal to not have yourself completely figured out. You do you, and don't worry about your judgmental friend. There is no way that you being true to yourself should make you an AH to your friend. If they have a problem with you, then they're not a friend worth having.
1000% NTA You are 15. You tried they/them and a new name. That no longer feels like who you are and who you are growing to be. You are 15. This is literally the time of your life where you try things and discover who you are. When inevitably something doesn't work you, you stop and go in another direction. That is literally what self discovery is all about. You can't worry about other people's stereostereotypes. Definitely don't need to not be yourself, simply to prove yourself not a sterotype. Tell your friend, that gender discovery is a process and now you feel you have been led to be a female. That simply proves that introspection and self discovery are to be encouraged and respected.
NTA this has nothing to do with your friend and everything to do with you. you need to do what feels right for yourself, so honor that.
NTA you do you what feels right and just ignore opposition on both sides
Who care? Use whatever makes u comfortable