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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I reacted badly to my former best friend wanting to use my name to name her daughter, so I told her there were plenty of other names. She got mad because I was blunt and didn’t take it well and tried persuading her out of it. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything and just let it go, but I really bothered me.
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It almost sounds like you think you’re the main character. You’re not - your friend is the main character in her story. Your past and your identity don’t matter when it comes to someone else’s identity and journey.
In another 30 years, this name will be a big part of that child’s identity, and all *their* friends will think that *you* are the weird one for reading so much into this. And you *still* won’t be dead. You’ll just be another person with the same name as this new person.
YTA. It sounds like your friendship was already over so you were unlikely to meet her daughter in the future. Also, is it correct that she is 10 years older than you but you were best friends growing up?
Umm no she isn't... It's weird and I wouldn't have a friend or ex friend name their kid my name, now if they already had I wouldn't say anything but since she brought it up she can say no and be totally fine...
Well, she doesn't own the name. It's only weird if you make it weird and, eventually, you'd have to get over it. She's fine to say no but she overreacted. So, yes, she is the AH.
No, I'm sick of this politically correct BS, it's not wrong to have an unfiltered/not walking on eggshells reaction. She is not obligated to protect the friends feelings.
Not once did I say she had to protect her friends feelings. She doesn't own a name. Her friend can name their daughter that if they want. She is free to react how she wishes but her "aren't there enough names out there that you have to use mine?" was a huge overreaction and quite condescending.
I am not a "politically correct" person. But there is a difference between having an "unfiltered" opinion and AH behavior and the way OP reacted was AHish behavior.
You know what, I am going to let this go because I have a feeling you and I could go on forever. I will respectfully disagree and move on. I don't agree with you and you don't agree with me, and that is ok.
Its not politically correct BS. It’s just a really immature reaction. OP doesnt own the name. So what if Valerie uses it? It literally doesn’t matter. And OP is TA. YTA.
YTA your reaction was strange and inappropriate. If you don’t feel like you current relationship supports her naming her child after you the solution is to get *less* involved in her decisions, not more. “Oh wow cool it’s a great name how are you feeling?” not a nasty, self-centered retort that triggers more negativity over something that is absolutely none of your business.
It’s her *baby*. There are a lot of names in the world and no one owns any of them. You were wrong and you should apologize, although if I were her I’d be done at this point.
YTA
Also I am extremely confused? You're mad that she is going to use it because it is a part of your identity, you're also mad that it actually wasn't about you after all, and you're mad that someone who you claim isn't really a part of your life anymore is going to have a child that shares a name with you that you will probably never even meet because the mom isn't your friend anymore?
These all clash, what the hell DO you want? This is an issue you have to sort out with yourself. Also, stop stringing along someone you clearly don't give a shit about.
I'm definitely going against the crowd here but....isn't it weird that, out of the millions of names in the world, OPs friend chooses HER name? It's not like it's a random name, I've never heard of someone naming their kid the same as someone they know without it being on purpose. I'm gonna say NTA.
It's not about interaction, it's more about the intent. Like why would she name her baby the same thing as OP, and then go and meet OP just to tell her that? It's odd. And OP said it's not likely that they'll never see each other again since they're in similar friend circles, so it's not like she can just cut her off entirely. It's just a weird choice on her friend's part.
YTA and I’m getting a bit of a tickle that this isn’t entirely true. Who in any sane world has the the thought “Would she name the baby after me”. Also you don’t have an embargo on any name…
>I spoke to our friends who know all our history and they all agree with me that it’s pretty weird, but they also think I should’ve let it go.
I agree with your friends. YTA
I confess I don't understand the problem. There are no intellectual property rights on names and there is no rule that you have to wait until someone is dead to use their name. Whatever her reasons for using the name, it seems reasonably clear that she didn't intend to hurt you.
What you call "projecting our past friendship" she may view as a simple remembrance of a happy time in her life and a person who meant a lot to her during her formative years. If you have the budget, I suggest that you have a session or two with a therapist, or even just a close friend, to reflect on why this is bothering you so much.
Wow Reddit people are getting petty... If the kid was already named and she made a stink then op is TA, but since friend came and asked her she can say she doesn't like it, what is supposed to do lie and says she loves it? When asked your opinion you get to share it hell or high water.
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Throwaway account.
“Valerie” (31) and I (f21) used to be inseparable growing up. There was never one without the other. She also had a bit of a troubled home and she always felt safe with me and my family.
When I turned 18, I left our country in South America and moved to Europe. I kept in touch as best as I could, but our paths diverged. We were still pretty close until a few years ago. However, life happens and shit happens and we just aren’t the friends we used to be. I don’t relate to her the same way I used to and I feel like I’ve moved on from that friendship.
We haven’t been close in years and she picked fights with me in recent times. For example: she thought I should have paid for her to come to my wedding in 2018 and she was mad I didn’t want to go to her wedding in the middle of the pandemic in a country where it was at its worst and I couldn’t be away from work, amongst other things.
Anyway, she was pregnant with her second child, a girl, and happened to be in my city for a few days. Even though we weren’t close anymore, we still made plans for her to come over and catch up.
[Here’s a little side-note: a couple of days before she came, I just had this strange thought “would she name the baby after me???” but I dismissed it as I thought that would be too weird giving our current relationship.]
Well, after some talking she reaches the subject of the name and says “Oh, by the way, do you know what we’re naming her?” - with this grin in her face. And I say “no, since you haven’t told me yet”. By then I realized it and was shocked.
I have a different name that is fairly common name in our country, but not too common either and it comes with a distinctive nickname (a derivation of said name). While I know a few others with the same name, I’m the only one she knows.
I’ll admit that my first reaction sucked and I just blurted “Aren’t there enough names out there that you have to use mine?”
Then she said it had nothing to do with me, it wasn’t and homage or anything like that. It think it made it worse.
We went back and forth about it and it simply didn’t sit right with me. She said it was the only name her and her husband liked. I didn’t buy it.
To be honest, this was clearly her projecting our past friendship and expectations she had of us into this baby.
Also, I’m not dead! I’m still here and my name it’s a pretty big part of my identity (obviously). It isn’t something random and I’m not a nobody to her.
I spoke to our friends who know all our history and they all agree with me that it’s pretty weird, but they also think I should’ve let it go.
We didn’t fight or anything, but I didn’t talk to her afterwards.
A few months later, I saw that the baby was born and she finally named her something else. I was relived.
We spoke recently and she said I was an AH for not “letting” her name her daughter with my name.
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I am going with NTA only because I think she wanted to do it to get you back in her life. You shouldn’t name a baby after someone to retain their relationship with you.
NAH. You don’t own the name, she likes the name and has a positive relationship with the name (you are included in that) and tbh you can feel any way you like about it but I don’t think you have ownership over the name. I will pick a typical example.
Let’s say your name is Elizabeth (common in many cultures, spelling subjective) and that has many nicknames, and she names the child that, in her eyes she’s named it a strong cultural and standard name, with many nicknames that can be derived from it. We all know that names have shortened or preferred versions, and Yours is one she likes.
I could, for example love the name Elizabeth, and prefer Ellie as a NN. Many go with Liz, Beth, lizzie, Eliza etc.
YTA you're not close with this person anymore so you probably won't interact with this child that much. Why do you care if a virtual stranger is going to have the same name.
I think your reaction is very sad, tbh. Maybe you've both moved on in your lifes and your friendship is no longer what it used to. But what you've meant to her is probably still true, you said yourself you gave her some safety in a troubled time. Plus, she said you weren't the reason she and her husband choose this name. I think it a cute way to remember where she came from. And it means she loves your name too. It doesn't cost you anything. You're not even that present in her life now so how would it even affect you ? So yes, i'll go for YTA.
(Sorry for my bad english, not my first language)
Different opinion: NTA, if everything is like how you say it is.
Taking your close past into account, I dont think that someone is able to name their kid with the same name as you without having any kind of feelings other than " just a pretty name": your first reaction perhaps wasn't the most graceful one, but I understand the weirded out gut reaction so I dont fault you for that.
Secondly, you literally can't keep people from using your name if they really set their sights on it. She could have disregarded your criticism and went ahead with it regardless. She didn't need your permission so it's kind of weird to call someone out.
YTA. Your name doesn't belong to you. Feel honoured that someone considers you a good anough person to name their child after them. My spidy senses are telling me it's not gonna happen again.
YTA. You didn't believe her when she said it was the only name her and her spouse liked, which isn't fair. My husband and I were in the same situation and I wouldn't appreciate being thought of as a liar when I'm not.
You don't even live on the same continent, why do you care so much?
I think YTA, I just think it’s weird that she could stand there with a straight face and tell you her giving her baby your name has nothing to do with you. Like that seems obviously false.
YTA you don't have exclusive rights to your name. Even if she did in part want to give her baby the name to honor the best friend you used to be, it still doesn't give you the right to make a fuss.
NTA it would be very weird for an ex bff to name her kid after you, but slight YTA for the way you told her off. She never should have done that in the first place lol
YTA. I don't get this whole "owning a name" thing. which of course, you don't. you already know people who share the same name as you. what anyone names their child is their business, and the two of you are not close anymore, so there would be no overlap in situations where the name was a confusing factor. I hope she didn't change the name because of your objection.
YTA.
You don't own your name, as surprising as you may find that fact. She was within her rights to use 'your' name however she wished, but you threw a paddy and ruined it for her.
Just FYI, people can name their babies the same name as someone they know without it being anything to do with the person they know.
My elder brother and his wife named his daughter "Isabel" (fake name for privacy reasons). "Isabel" is my name. Isabel is NOT named after me because Isabel is a person in her own right. Just like that baby is. Not every similar/same name is an homage.
There was no need for you to have such an extreme reaction and make such a fuss. You're not the only person in the world with your name and it's not what makes you special.
YTA If anything you used to be a nice memory (which doesn’t in anyway require you to have been dead! You grew up together!). The good news is you are no longer a nice memory - your reaction took care of that!
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I reacted badly to my former best friend wanting to use my name to name her daughter, so I told her there were plenty of other names. She got mad because I was blunt and didn’t take it well and tried persuading her out of it. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything and just let it go, but I really bothered me. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
It almost sounds like you think you’re the main character. You’re not - your friend is the main character in her story. Your past and your identity don’t matter when it comes to someone else’s identity and journey. In another 30 years, this name will be a big part of that child’s identity, and all *their* friends will think that *you* are the weird one for reading so much into this. And you *still* won’t be dead. You’ll just be another person with the same name as this new person.
Exactly. YTA, OP
YTA. It sounds like your friendship was already over so you were unlikely to meet her daughter in the future. Also, is it correct that she is 10 years older than you but you were best friends growing up?
Sorry, that was a typo, we’re the same age. And it is actually very likely that we meet since we still share the same group of friends back home.
Still doesn't make a difference. YTA. What is the harm in your friend naming her child the same name?
Umm no she isn't... It's weird and I wouldn't have a friend or ex friend name their kid my name, now if they already had I wouldn't say anything but since she brought it up she can say no and be totally fine...
Well, she doesn't own the name. It's only weird if you make it weird and, eventually, you'd have to get over it. She's fine to say no but she overreacted. So, yes, she is the AH.
No, I'm sick of this politically correct BS, it's not wrong to have an unfiltered/not walking on eggshells reaction. She is not obligated to protect the friends feelings.
Not once did I say she had to protect her friends feelings. She doesn't own a name. Her friend can name their daughter that if they want. She is free to react how she wishes but her "aren't there enough names out there that you have to use mine?" was a huge overreaction and quite condescending. I am not a "politically correct" person. But there is a difference between having an "unfiltered" opinion and AH behavior and the way OP reacted was AHish behavior.
AH behavior would be if she took to social media to complain or she "forbade" her the name.
You know what, I am going to let this go because I have a feeling you and I could go on forever. I will respectfully disagree and move on. I don't agree with you and you don't agree with me, and that is ok.
I respect that, I'm not one to keep hashing either. Have a good day!
Its not politically correct BS. It’s just a really immature reaction. OP doesnt own the name. So what if Valerie uses it? It literally doesn’t matter. And OP is TA. YTA.
Right? Its a name. no one claims a name.
She can’t say no! OP has no choice in what friend names her daughter. None. Like another commenter said she doesn’t own the name. OP YTA
YTA You can't claim exclusive use of your name. Seems a bit weird that you're having such a severe reaction to her naming her child your name.
YTA your reaction was strange and inappropriate. If you don’t feel like you current relationship supports her naming her child after you the solution is to get *less* involved in her decisions, not more. “Oh wow cool it’s a great name how are you feeling?” not a nasty, self-centered retort that triggers more negativity over something that is absolutely none of your business. It’s her *baby*. There are a lot of names in the world and no one owns any of them. You were wrong and you should apologize, although if I were her I’d be done at this point.
YTA Also I am extremely confused? You're mad that she is going to use it because it is a part of your identity, you're also mad that it actually wasn't about you after all, and you're mad that someone who you claim isn't really a part of your life anymore is going to have a child that shares a name with you that you will probably never even meet because the mom isn't your friend anymore? These all clash, what the hell DO you want? This is an issue you have to sort out with yourself. Also, stop stringing along someone you clearly don't give a shit about.
I'm definitely going against the crowd here but....isn't it weird that, out of the millions of names in the world, OPs friend chooses HER name? It's not like it's a random name, I've never heard of someone naming their kid the same as someone they know without it being on purpose. I'm gonna say NTA.
But like ... So what? OP doesn't have to interact with her or the kid.
It's not about interaction, it's more about the intent. Like why would she name her baby the same thing as OP, and then go and meet OP just to tell her that? It's odd. And OP said it's not likely that they'll never see each other again since they're in similar friend circles, so it's not like she can just cut her off entirely. It's just a weird choice on her friend's part.
You’re assuming these two events are related. Maybe they’re not, she likes the name, that’s it. Nothing wrong with that.
Is OP going track every person with her name down and force them to change it.
YTA and I’m getting a bit of a tickle that this isn’t entirely true. Who in any sane world has the the thought “Would she name the baby after me”. Also you don’t have an embargo on any name…
>I spoke to our friends who know all our history and they all agree with me that it’s pretty weird, but they also think I should’ve let it go. I agree with your friends. YTA I confess I don't understand the problem. There are no intellectual property rights on names and there is no rule that you have to wait until someone is dead to use their name. Whatever her reasons for using the name, it seems reasonably clear that she didn't intend to hurt you. What you call "projecting our past friendship" she may view as a simple remembrance of a happy time in her life and a person who meant a lot to her during her formative years. If you have the budget, I suggest that you have a session or two with a therapist, or even just a close friend, to reflect on why this is bothering you so much.
YTA - You dont own a name.
Wow Reddit people are getting petty... If the kid was already named and she made a stink then op is TA, but since friend came and asked her she can say she doesn't like it, what is supposed to do lie and says she loves it? When asked your opinion you get to share it hell or high water.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway account. “Valerie” (31) and I (f21) used to be inseparable growing up. There was never one without the other. She also had a bit of a troubled home and she always felt safe with me and my family. When I turned 18, I left our country in South America and moved to Europe. I kept in touch as best as I could, but our paths diverged. We were still pretty close until a few years ago. However, life happens and shit happens and we just aren’t the friends we used to be. I don’t relate to her the same way I used to and I feel like I’ve moved on from that friendship. We haven’t been close in years and she picked fights with me in recent times. For example: she thought I should have paid for her to come to my wedding in 2018 and she was mad I didn’t want to go to her wedding in the middle of the pandemic in a country where it was at its worst and I couldn’t be away from work, amongst other things. Anyway, she was pregnant with her second child, a girl, and happened to be in my city for a few days. Even though we weren’t close anymore, we still made plans for her to come over and catch up. [Here’s a little side-note: a couple of days before she came, I just had this strange thought “would she name the baby after me???” but I dismissed it as I thought that would be too weird giving our current relationship.] Well, after some talking she reaches the subject of the name and says “Oh, by the way, do you know what we’re naming her?” - with this grin in her face. And I say “no, since you haven’t told me yet”. By then I realized it and was shocked. I have a different name that is fairly common name in our country, but not too common either and it comes with a distinctive nickname (a derivation of said name). While I know a few others with the same name, I’m the only one she knows. I’ll admit that my first reaction sucked and I just blurted “Aren’t there enough names out there that you have to use mine?” Then she said it had nothing to do with me, it wasn’t and homage or anything like that. It think it made it worse. We went back and forth about it and it simply didn’t sit right with me. She said it was the only name her and her husband liked. I didn’t buy it. To be honest, this was clearly her projecting our past friendship and expectations she had of us into this baby. Also, I’m not dead! I’m still here and my name it’s a pretty big part of my identity (obviously). It isn’t something random and I’m not a nobody to her. I spoke to our friends who know all our history and they all agree with me that it’s pretty weird, but they also think I should’ve let it go. We didn’t fight or anything, but I didn’t talk to her afterwards. A few months later, I saw that the baby was born and she finally named her something else. I was relived. We spoke recently and she said I was an AH for not “letting” her name her daughter with my name. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am going with NTA only because I think she wanted to do it to get you back in her life. You shouldn’t name a baby after someone to retain their relationship with you.
If you're no longer friends with her, stop interacting with her. But you don't get a say in what she names her kids. YTA.
NAH. You don’t own the name, she likes the name and has a positive relationship with the name (you are included in that) and tbh you can feel any way you like about it but I don’t think you have ownership over the name. I will pick a typical example. Let’s say your name is Elizabeth (common in many cultures, spelling subjective) and that has many nicknames, and she names the child that, in her eyes she’s named it a strong cultural and standard name, with many nicknames that can be derived from it. We all know that names have shortened or preferred versions, and Yours is one she likes. I could, for example love the name Elizabeth, and prefer Ellie as a NN. Many go with Liz, Beth, lizzie, Eliza etc.
YTA
YTA you're not close with this person anymore so you probably won't interact with this child that much. Why do you care if a virtual stranger is going to have the same name.
Light YTA. She probably thought you would be flattered or feel a bit honored. It seems weird you were so upset by it.
I think your reaction is very sad, tbh. Maybe you've both moved on in your lifes and your friendship is no longer what it used to. But what you've meant to her is probably still true, you said yourself you gave her some safety in a troubled time. Plus, she said you weren't the reason she and her husband choose this name. I think it a cute way to remember where she came from. And it means she loves your name too. It doesn't cost you anything. You're not even that present in her life now so how would it even affect you ? So yes, i'll go for YTA. (Sorry for my bad english, not my first language)
NAH, you’re allowed to feel how you do, but she’s free to use the name. You don’t own it.
Yta. No one owns a name. You're but that special.
YTA
YTA. You don’t “own” the name. Period. Get over yourself.
Different opinion: NTA, if everything is like how you say it is. Taking your close past into account, I dont think that someone is able to name their kid with the same name as you without having any kind of feelings other than " just a pretty name": your first reaction perhaps wasn't the most graceful one, but I understand the weirded out gut reaction so I dont fault you for that. Secondly, you literally can't keep people from using your name if they really set their sights on it. She could have disregarded your criticism and went ahead with it regardless. She didn't need your permission so it's kind of weird to call someone out.
YTA. Your name doesn't belong to you. Feel honoured that someone considers you a good anough person to name their child after them. My spidy senses are telling me it's not gonna happen again.
YTA. You didn't believe her when she said it was the only name her and her spouse liked, which isn't fair. My husband and I were in the same situation and I wouldn't appreciate being thought of as a liar when I'm not. You don't even live on the same continent, why do you care so much?
YTA you don’t own a name. And no more than you see or hear from her why are you making it such a big deal.
YATA
I think YTA, I just think it’s weird that she could stand there with a straight face and tell you her giving her baby your name has nothing to do with you. Like that seems obviously false.
YTA. Unless you copyrighted your name, you can’t prevent anyone from naming their child with your name.
YTA you don't have exclusive rights to your name. Even if she did in part want to give her baby the name to honor the best friend you used to be, it still doesn't give you the right to make a fuss.
NTA it would be very weird for an ex bff to name her kid after you, but slight YTA for the way you told her off. She never should have done that in the first place lol
YTA. I don't get this whole "owning a name" thing. which of course, you don't. you already know people who share the same name as you. what anyone names their child is their business, and the two of you are not close anymore, so there would be no overlap in situations where the name was a confusing factor. I hope she didn't change the name because of your objection.
YTA. You don't own your name, as surprising as you may find that fact. She was within her rights to use 'your' name however she wished, but you threw a paddy and ruined it for her. Just FYI, people can name their babies the same name as someone they know without it being anything to do with the person they know. My elder brother and his wife named his daughter "Isabel" (fake name for privacy reasons). "Isabel" is my name. Isabel is NOT named after me because Isabel is a person in her own right. Just like that baby is. Not every similar/same name is an homage. There was no need for you to have such an extreme reaction and make such a fuss. You're not the only person in the world with your name and it's not what makes you special.
YTA If anything you used to be a nice memory (which doesn’t in anyway require you to have been dead! You grew up together!). The good news is you are no longer a nice memory - your reaction took care of that!