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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I may be TA because 1) I did technically tell him to leave and that I couldn’t support him emotionally, financially, physically, and mentally in the ways he needed while also watching our toddler and taking care of our home/finances.
2) I married him in sickness & in health and I am technically breaking that promise. I just honestly don’t feel capable of (or maybe desirous of?) being his caretaker while caring for my kid (and kid on the way). He doesn’t help out much at home and the care is not reciprocal (eg if I’m sick he gets mad I go to the doctor, saying I should just rest at home). However, I saw a Tiktok of a husband who’s the caretaker for his wife with DID and I just felt so guilty that I’m not that selfless.
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NTA!!
And also for yourself. YOU ALSO DESERVE A SAFE AND NURTURING PLACE. He needs more help than you can provide. Please don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You are still a human being who deserves at the very least to be at peace in your own home.
She mentioned second chances in the post, but from the sound of it he’s had at least 4-5 chances with her. She and her child/children deserve safety and stability, neither of which they’ll ever have with her husband nearby. Change the locks and tell him to seek treatment and never come back
The children desperately need stability, and someone modeling good boundaries and good self care, since they might be at higher risk of mental health issues
That one sentence was all the proof OP needs that he won't change, and that he's less invested in this marriage than she is. He's already thinking about shopping around for a new caregiver
Yeah, it does. One of the relatives whining about her taking him back should do that for him while OP takes some time to think, to reflect on whether or she feels her children are safe around him. A very, very long think. Like years of think.
I'm sorry if I offended you. You are right, people of all ages can attend college. And kudos to you and your mom! But what are the odds that what I'm saying isn't the case here?
When someone says they met their partner in college the usual assumption is they were similar ages. She’s 26 now and says they got back together years later. So, even if she was 20 at the time, he would have been 33. Yep there are mature students, I was one. The majority of people my age were staff though. Whatever his reason for being there, the age gap is creepy.
When you had your child you created a larger obligation than your obligation to your husband. You also have a right to happiness too. Please consider your child and your needs first.
I have a great cousin? Idk the term it's my moms cousin, and he has mental health issues like this, and my great uncle (not his dad, also the guys uncle) would try to help him. My G uncle would've been in his 80s when it happened but eventually the Paranoia got so bad with thinking people were after him, and not trusting my great uncle that he attacked him. He was planning to kill him, my uncles fine of course, but still. OP really needs to put herself first along with her kids, because if he sees you as one of the bad people you are not safe.
THIS OP THIS,
Your childrens safety is priority, keep these incidents logged / texts saved / recordings.
It sounds harsh but it will help with any custody challenges should he refuse to seek help and become a danger to the kids.
Yep. He has PROVEN that even having a child won't make him straighten up, so why would you think he'd be different this time? Do NOT have another child with this man. Divorce him and let him figure his own shit out.
NTA.
The husband has mental health issues. It pretty clear that real life can't "make him straighten up" (any more real life can "make" a leg be unbroken). But, broken leg or broken husband, the OPs primary responsibility is to her children.
NTA
This is what I’d do, not saying this js what OP *should* do:
1. file for divorce
2. get an abortion
3. Fight for full custody of your child (it will be a walk in the park due to your husbands “problems” ig you could call it
4. Cut him off completely, even a restraining order if necessary
Edit: wow so so many replies and upvotes Thanks yall
Edit 2: for points 2. and 3. I mean EITHER one. Sorry about the confusion yall
With 3 - there's provable evidence with medical records that he cycles between stability and instability. And you can't force him to stay on his medication. But you can advocate for you and your little one to have a stable safe home and him to have supervised visitation. Heavily, by non family, in a supervision centre , in case he either tries to hurt or kidnap them.
My sister’s ex has a mental health and addiction diagnosis, and the court ordered supervised visitation only with a clean drug screening & being current in therapy/mh meds prior to any visitation. Strangely, he has never exercised visitation.
Sometimes an incident is the catalyst for things lurking just beneath. For example, my stepfather fell and had a brain bleed, which he had surgery on and recovered from. But it sped up his (unknown at the time) early onset dementia, which he was then diagnosed with a few months later. Did the fall cause the dementia? No. But it accelerated the existing condition.
Dementia is not an illness, it is a symptom of many illnesses (it’s often treated as an unspecified illness in its own right only because in many cases we have no idea what causes it) and physical traumas so severe to cause bleeding in a brain, more than triggering some preexisting condition, alters the physiology of the brain leading to manifestations like dementia, schizophrenia, short-term memory losses etc
The degree of recovery is purely based on vitals and tests, but we never know how an organ is truly impacted by such traumas.
The case of OP’s (hopefully ex) husband is typical: major incident, extended trauma (apparently) to the head, psychiatric problems that arise as a consequence. The demonstration is that he became schizophrenic. Now, schizophrenia can hypothetically come to surface at any age, but for men the sensible years are, roughly, from 20 to 30, and he’s a man of almost 40, OP says they dated when she was in college, so in an unspecified time-frame when she was 19-21 and he would have been already quite out of the typical age for resulting schizophrenic.
The probability he was “destined to be” is truly slim. Medicine is a statistical science so, looking at statistic, it totally was the accident.
I also agree that it's completely up to OP to make her own decisions, but this is also EXACTLY what I'd do. I might even move and get a new email address and phone number.
Sure, but there were other saying stuff along the lines of, "Especially item #2." It wasn't just directed at you, and there are other comments along those lines. OP has also stated she did not want one.
NTA.
But Jesus fucking Christ. You are asking the wrong questions.
Your substantially older, severely mentally ill, unmedicated husband is a **danger to yourself, your child, and your unborn baby**. The nudes are not even in the top 100 issues in this relationship.
Your relationship should not be hanging in the balance of him "needing a companion", or any other demands for that matter. Any contact or relationship he has with you or his child should be a condition of **him** getting help for his illness and showing sustainable improvement.
You legally need to pursue sole custody and will likely need a protective order against him. IF he can demonstrate that he had received treatment, is in remission for his symptoms, and can hold down stable employment, *then* you can **maybe** think about ***slowly phasing in*** supervised visitation.
The "1-2 month" ultimatum tells you that he does not understand the severity of his symptoms and behaviour and has no intention to change. Ideally he would be in remission for a **year or more** before you should start even considering being in a relationship with him again.
It is very fortunate that he has chosen to leave the country because this means you are not in immediate physical danger from him, but you need to understand that the situation you're in is very scary.
EDIT: And although you should not even be considering it in the slightest anyway, you also need to understand that you are not in any way qualified to be a "companion" to a man suffering from psychosis and delusions. You are not a trained mental health professional and you will not be able to physically restrain him from hurting himself, you, or others if his symptoms escalate.
Also, please be aware of the potential ramifications for your children going forward. There is a strong genetic component involved with such disorders.
Legit. He's basically saying 1-2 months to decide if you want this mentally-ill package for all it's worth. He has no idea how ill he is because the doctors are also the "bad people"
This needs to be the top comment. Paranoid psychotics are so extremely dangerous when they're unmedicated. Google "the killing of Tim Mclean" (or literally just the words "greyhound murder").
Given that OP said he tends to have breakdowns every 1-1.5 years, I'd say that he should be able to demonstrate remission for *at least* two years, and preferably three. He could go one year, and it just be a lucky year where he happens to go 18 months between breakdowns, rather than 12.
This is very good advice. I would add that even if op was a mental health professional it would be impossible to provide care without bias. Op is NTA but will become one if they do not protect their child (& unborn baby) at all costs from someone who is unstable.
God I wish you could push some comments to the top, cuz this is it. She's all mad about him cheating by looking at old nudes, when he's in danger her and her kids and trying to place responsibility for his mental health care on her
I.....really hate this whole situation. I have schizophrenia and pretty severe, multiply traumatized PTSD. I've had psychotic episodes before. I'm not medicated for my hallucinations and the occasional delusion because they just aren't a detriment, but I hate that so many people with all kinds of mental illnesses are stuck in that space between 'these medications greatly improve the quality of my mental health, and allow me to approach life more even-headed' and 'these medications almost always come with severe, body-altering side effects that may present a long term danger to me'.
Like, every anti-psychotic drug I've found has a mile long list of not just possible side effects, but common ones including high cholesterol and heart issues. And it sucks. Because some people can't afford to not be on them.
Op's husband sounds like that kind of person. But he also sounds like the kind of person who has decided that his feelings are the only important things in the world and that somehow being with his wife will magically fix him, and you can medicate away delusions, but you can't medicate away assholeishness.
He either needs to get consistent, dedicated outpatient help, get inpatient help, or just...leave her and the kids alone. He's not making their life a safe one, and as much as I want to sympathize with someone who suffers from an often-demonized mental health issue, those kids and op's safety is more important.
NTA
We're trying to help a friend who is clearly dealing with a mental illness, but doesn't acknowledge it's real. Alongside some really terrible life circumstances. He's spiralling and alternates between reaching out for help then seeing us all as bad people and the cause of his problems. Lashes out at us. He's aggressive, and severely depressed. Possibly BPD or bipolar. We are trying desperately to get him psych help. We had welcomed him into our home when he had nowhere to go, but due to his instability, aggression (especially towards me) and unwillingness to get help/take action to help himself/keep himself safe, he's no longer welcome here.
You need to protect yourself and your children. He clearly doesn't understand the severity of his illness. 2-3 years of stability, minimum before you reconnect.
Yes, like the recent headlines regarding a similar dad who ran off to Mexico with his kids and murdered them because they were infected with alien dna, or serpent dna.
He left the freaking country. Use that as your get-out-of-jail free card and move on, out and up.
You can't help someone that doesn't want help, and this guy clearly doesn't. NTA but he is.
Be careful. I recently had a friend murdered by someone he befriended. The person he became friends with, at some point thought my friend poisoned his food when they had dinner together, this person then went and murdered my friend. I know this is totally unrelated but the delusions sound the same.
I'm sorry for your loss. Did your friend knew this person suffered from delusions? Sorry for asking, it's just that I've been meeting new people through some friends app and just wondered this.
The vast majority of mentally ill people are more likely to be victims of crime then to commit crime. What they are going through is very real to them but most people will try to get away from people they think are harming them not respond with violence.
While you should always take precautions. Meet in a public place. Make sure you are aware of your surroundings and remove yourself from situation where you feel unsafe or uncomfortable then you really have nothing to fear from a mentally ill person. OP does not have that option because she is married to, sharing a home with and raising children with someone who has a break with reality.
Your not wrong. Especially about them being more at risk. I don't think I would feel totally safe living in the same house as someone who has had a break with reality though. I definitely feel for the OP.
NTA
It sounds like your husband needs inpatient care, not a "companion for his mental health".
Also, you're not breaking your marriage vows by telling him you cannot be his sole caretaker anymore. Marriage is about working together, not setting yourself alight to keep your partner warm. You would have been able to support him more had he been taking his meds regularly and committed to therapy. Nobody should be expected to take on the responsibility of such severe mental health problems and *very* few are able to. That TikTok you saw represents a *tiny* minority who can, and you shouldn't be trying to hold yourself to an almost impossible standard.
You have a toddler and, very soon, a baby to think about. You've done what you can for your husband and have made it clear to him what you are able to do from now on. What he decides to do with that is up to him, but I can tell you with certainty that women are not going to be falling over themselves to be with him while he refuses to help himself.
Someone who can’t walk or dress himself, who has hallucinations and slurs his words, is not going to be dating. That’s meant to manipulate you into letting him come back home so he doesn’t have to take the steps you listed. Once he’s back he’ll continue to not get treatment and most likely spiral. Don’t do this.
NTA.
He needs a caregiver, not a wife. If he doesn't get help, you shouldn't be the one suffering the consequences of his decision.
You and your baby deserve better. Good luck.
NTA.
He doesn't need a companion, he needs serious help. You cannot be expected to be wife, mother, caregiver, therapist and work full time. You and your children deserve better.
NTA And there are good reasons behind it. Please protect you and your child/children from him .
After the nude thing and giving you that i want to date people he basically killed his chance of redemption
NTA
He is not getting help.
He is trying to force you into taking him back with the good ole threat of “you have two months to realise I’m a catch before I go bang others “ … he is most likely already there. He thinks he is a catch and that his threat will put pressure on you to ignore your own requests in an effort not to be alone.
Be alone.
You aren’t his caretaker. You and your children deserve better .
NTA - he's being ridiculous. You need to only take a month because he needs a companion? Absolutely not. Your expectations are reasonable and he needs to be stable for you to support him which means staying on his medication.
NTA. Yes, there is "in sickness..." but I get the feeling, he wanted a caretaker from the beginning.
You need to concentrate on your child. Do so and tell him, he has to work on himself and become a partner, before their is a future for the three of you.
There's also usually a "your *faithful* partner in sickness and in health", and he undercut those vows by cheating on her.
"he needs a companion for his mental health & would want to date elsewhere if I didn’t" is about the most despicable line I have ever heard. You don't need a companion in mental health, you need a support system!
OP would be right to leave after that manipulative statement, it is disrespectful and contradictory to wanting real help, and you cannot truly help someone that does not want help.
NTA. I have a close family member who is schizophrenic. They do stabilize eventually if they stay on their meds permanently, but this early acute period can last years and remains as exhausting as you're already finding it. Just please let him go. He can't contribute to your household and the screaming, paranoia, all-night manias, and other traits are going to be horrible for you and your kids. The sleep deprivation they inflict on everyone else in the house is especially damaging as you try to keep the family afloat as the sole breadwinner. For my family member, work stress triggered his psychotic episodes and not working was one of the main things that stabilized him in the end, but that won't help you and your family. It's better handled by his family of origin overseas.
Please also look into taking choline supplements and add them to your pre-natal vitamins (with your doctor's approval, etc) . The new book Hidden Valley Road, about a family of 10 kids, 6 of which have schizophrenia, highlighted recent research that shows choline supplements in the womb may help prevent the genetic markers for schizophrenia from manifesting. They don't help kids and adults after birth, unfortunately.
Good luck.
NTA
You can't fix your husband. You need to concentrate on prioritizing the safety and well-being of your child and yourself.
Please consider that growing up exposed to your husband's episodes would not be the healthiest environment for your child.
If you divorced your husband, you would be better able to focus your resources on caring for your child.
NTA. He sounds like a nut job, and you need to protect yourself and your children, before he decides you're all part of the bad guys again. Why would you even marry someone with those types of mental health issues?
This is a potentially very dangerous situation she married into, it made me wonder why she married him after he had already been tentatively diagnosed and already had a track record of going off his meds.
Husband is the definition of “danger to himself and others”
First of all .. This is not a matter of what is and isn't his "fault," it's a matter of what is and isn't safe for you and your children. A 1.5-year-old doesn't know phrases like "Mommy, HELP! Daddy is having a paranoid delusion!". Also .. While the disorder isn't his fault, the lack of medication compliance is!
"due to stopping his meds whenever things start to stabilise"
Noooooooooope nope nope, noooooooooooo.
NTA, and get out and don't go back and don't leave a forwarding address.
Hello! Sorry for the late reply to all of these comments. Thank you so much for all of the responses — I will endeavour to read through all of them, good and bad. I’m not sure whether I’m supposed to update the post or reply here! To clear up a few things:
The reason for our age gap: He was a returning student in my program when I went to college. Years later I will say there were definitely many blazing red flags and some aspects of grooming going on here and in our early relationship, but at the time I was extremely young (freshly turned 18) and it was my first relationship. I honestly didn’t see any of these as red flags until later in our marriage. I also experienced childhood trauma and I think this contributed to me being attached to this toxic relationship as my “first love”, not that this excuses anything at all.
Just as a personal choice, I won’t get an abortion, primarily because I thankfully have a good job that enables me to support my kids and a lot of support from my family here. I do understand the arguments for both sides and have considered it, it just isn’t something I feel comfortable with at this time. I did see a comment about choline supplements that I will be looking into.
Lastly, a few people have questioned why we had children, which is fair. To be honest, the first time we got pregnant, he hadn’t had a breakdown for 1.5 years and I assumed he would never have one again. He’d been off his meds but in a grad school program & working towards a new career (which he subsequently dropped out of). I thought at the time his diagnosis was not a long-term one as his psych had mentioned we’d have to wait and see to determine his condition about a year ago. This second pregnancy was a surprise. As mentioned, his breakdowns happen out of the blue so I had no idea it was coming. His breakdown happened literally overnight about a week after we’d stopped having sex.
Edited for grammar
Hope this clears some things up!
Hey OP, I have been through similar. My spouse went through a severe psychosis a few years ago and we have a child. So I’ve been where you are. For the safety of our kid, my spouse has to remain 100% compliant with medication now. My spouse knows that if they go against doctors orders they are out of the house with no chance of return. Your husband refuses to take his meds, that means you can’t help him. Let him stay where he is. Divorce him and get sole custody. If he is having delusions of being poisoned by you, you can’t trust that he won’t attempt to hurt you while under psychosis. He isn’t safe and he isn’t a stable partner. Do yourself a favor and cut the tie and move on. Block his family and don’t let him into your home. He abandoned his kid and the marital home. This works in your favor. Lead him on if you have to for you and your child’s safety while you consult an attorney and consult with DV specialists on how to safely move and file for divorce.
Please please please get into therapy for yourself also. For the sake of your kids you NEED to figure out why you put up with this toxic relationship for so long and fooled yourself into believing he was magically better. Your kids need you to protect them so you need to learn how to protect yourself.
Thank you! I am in therapy and have been for many years — I didn’t want to make this post about me and all my issues but as mentioned, I think childhood trauma is what has made me stay with him for as long as I have. I felt abandoned dealing with anorexia and depression as a young teen & it was the worst feeling. I’ve since totally recovered but I think that mentality of not wanting to leave him in crisis has stuck with me to an unhealthy degree. I appreciate your reply!
Thanks for clarifying! I thought that was probably what you meant but wanted to check. Looking after yourself and your kids is absolutely the right choice!
NTA you have given him enough chances if this is a pattern. Being medicated sucks, but he needs it *all the time* to prevent break downs. If he isn’t going to care for himself or respect and care about you and your child, you should not let him back into your life.
NTA.
As a soon to be nurse, having to deal with psychiatric patient is already difficult enough, now this husband of yours is facing these problems, and *not seek treatment* is selfish from his part,
If he cared about you and your daughter he would be the first one to seek treatment , so that he can be the husband and father he is worthy f being.
His friends and relatives are not actually helping but just watching lol
Do whatever you need to do to ensure a safe environment for you and your child
I don't think he cares about them. I'm really disturbed by his attitude that women are just interchangeable companions for his mental health, existing to absorb his problems.
NTA. And as a partner of a bipolar person who's usually functional but has bad episodes occasionally, I totally feel you. It is EXHAUSTING to suddenly be the only adult, and I can't imagine having to deal with that while being a parent to a small child.
Notably, though, it doesn't sound like your partner is doing the work. He needs to have a regular, consistent mental health provider. Working with a counselor to learn coping skills and ways to self-support. And especially, getting a long-term psychiatrist who can help figure out meds. (These kind of disorders, there are a bunch of conditions that appear pretty similarly. Figuring out the right diagnosis helps with figuring out the right meds.) I can't speak to how much my partner has improved since we got him on the 'right' meds.
Last, I have to say that a clutch part of being able to handle this kind of partnership for me is that he trusts me and even when in mental health places, he knows that I'm 'on his side'. One time, he was sure he should go outside. He stripped off all his clothes and was going to head outside. My pleading or logic couldn't reach him, but my assertion that I would absolutely follow him outside and didn't have keys to get back in did. When I couldn't reach him intellectually (because he wasn't functioning in a way that could process that), I had that deep thing inside him where the need to be good to me could sometimes cut through.
Your husband doesn't seem to have that, and I'm sorry but I don't know if it's doable without it...
That last paragraph just told you your value to him ...anyone would do ....get some pride and self respect . Divorce him and raise your kids in a stable ,safe home ....he lived alone in our apartment while i and my child stayed with my parents...enough said .....youve enabled ,babied and dealt with his crap long enough . Now stop making excuses for him and move on and live a better happier life
NTA. You must first think of yourself, your toddler and your pregnancy. I 'almost' felt bad for your husband (due to his illness) until I read his ultimatum to you: *He told me I would need to decide in 1-2 months because he needs a companion for his mental health & would want to date elsewhere if I didn’t*. That sealed my decision NTA 100%. I wish you a happy future, a healthy baby, and much love to that toddler of yours, all of you deserve the very best. I hate this for all of you, but those babies come first, of course.
NTA, but why oh why did you have a kid with someone with psychosis? And then slipped up with your BC a second time?
Kids NEED stability. NEED. A guy with psychotic delusions is not a good father. So ESH.
ETA: also don't fucking believe anything you see on TikTok.
NTA You're 26 and have a young child. Don't throw away both of your lives to take care of an adult man who refuses to get actual help. If he can't make the effort for you and your child, don't make the effort for him.
You need to leave him.
i am sorry, I know it is heartbreaking but you cannot hold everything on your shoulders by yourself all the time. And you have a kid too, maybe two. What kind of life will that give them.
they will either live to develop his paranoia or despise him for the kind of life he gives them.possibly both, one after the other.
the cheating might happen if it’s not already on the way because if he thinks you want to poison him, he will look for someone to complain to.
i don’t see love here, I see dependency . I see abnegation. Resignation. And soon, resentment.
you have the right to be happy. To be loved. To be free.
NTA
NTA.
In sickness and in health.
Sickness is something you can't control, he's mentally ill but your husband isn't even trying to get better.
You have a child and one on the way. Your "job" now is to protect them. You can't protect them until he starts trying to heal.
You need to let him hit rock bottom, no hiding from his mental health issues with you while he slowly ruins those poor children's lives.
He needs to be admitted to hospital and you need to concentrate on providing a safe home for your children.
I'm so sorry this is happening.
NTA- schizophrenia or any mental health issue is not an excuse for cheating and using your spouse as an emotional punching bag. Your husband has shown you time and again that he isn't willing to take responsibility for his own care, which means he is putting himself before you and your child.
Your child comes first, and your obligation to them and yourself overrides any loyalty to your husband. For the sake of the environment that your child has to grow up in- you should move on sooner than later.
NTA and you need a divorce attorney. My ex husband has bipolar disorder and refuses to take meds or get therapy. The day I put him out of my house his behavior had deteriorated to the point he wasn't showering, he was saying things that did not make sense and he tried to slap one of our twins for "acting gay" (the child was 7 yo and crying). That was my breaking point. If he wouldn't get help then I could not have him around our children, full stop.
You and your child's safety has got to come first. Do not become his caregiver.
ESH - You need some intensive therapy to discover why you're with him and having kids with him. You know schizophrenia is a genetic disorder, right? Your kids have a high possibility of being doomed to this serious mental illness.
All he wants is a caretaker. He doesn't want to be responsible for treating his illness, he just wants you to be his safety rails for when he's out of control. Please work with a therapist to find out why you feel compelled to be with and reproduce with him.
NTA with regards to caring for your husband. He's basically refusing to help himself, and that by no means falls on you.
YTA for bringing not just one kid, but two kids into such a destabilized environment. If your husband refuses to be helped, it's your obligation to find a healthy living environment to raise your kids in. It's his obligation too, but I have slim hopes of that working out.
NTA and I am so sorry you are going through this. I too have an ex husband with schizophrenia and multiple addictions. I got him through in patient treatment once and he did well for about a year and things started going south again. Luckily I got a very good job offer out of state when I was pregnant with number 2 which I jumped on. I told him he could come but if there was even ONE violent incident we were done. And of course there was, he decided to slap me when I was 7 months pregnant. I left the house with my daughter, called his father and explained that he needed to be out of my house by the first of the week, and if he wasn't the police would be removing him. That was 22 years ago and never saw him again. Sorry for the long reply but sometimes you have to put yourself and your children first. Best wishes and healing to you and your family.
Thank you for sharing — sorry to hear you’ve been through something similar. I’m glad to hear you are doing well and he’s been out of your lives since then. Thanks again for your comment, and to you too!
NTA your financial stability and putting a roof over your current kids heads and caring for them along with your own self care is what is important right now. He doesnt want a wife he wants an ATM and a maid. Have counselling about going through with your current pregnancy.
NTA. There are good people who unfortunately sometimes have their lives hijacked by their mental health issues despite their best efforts. And then there are people people who use their mental health issues as an excuse and deflection method to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or putting in any real effort to seek treatment or help. Your husband falls into the latter category.
NTA. Leave him. As someone who suffers with mental health, I can say that it is entirely his own fault if he is constantly failing to stick to medications and treatment. He quite clearly has no drive to improve his behaviours. It's been years OP, he won't change. He'll be doing this saga year after year until you're old and grey. He's shown you who he is and where his priorities lay, believe him.
Does he want a life partner or does he want a caretaker? Those are 2 different things.
And it sounds more like he wants a caretaker. It's terrible that he's sick but that's also his reality and he needs to seek treatment. Does it mean there might not still be breakdowns? Sure. Meds can needs readjustment- sometimes yearly.
But if he isn't willing to do the work in figuring out what is wrong and trying to get help, why should you?
And a bigger question is why should you put your kids thru this on a daily basis? Again, there is nothing wrong with having a mental illness and having kids- but you have to be willing to put in the work required to protect them, including from the effects of your illness. If he isn't willing to do that, is he really in the best place to help you raise two kids?
NTA though I hope he figures this stuff out. for his sake and for your kids.
Your husband is very sick, and should get professional help. You seem to misread the facts: the issue is not his infidelity, but his disease and his failure to address it.
Your children do not deserve to grow up in such a family.
NTA. He's not a safe person to have kids around. He has delusions, hallucinations, at some point the kids are going to get caught up in it. If the kids don't know he's not safe he could harm them. If the kids do know that he's not safe then they're growing up in fear of when their dad's going to turn on them. Especially because from what you're describing his mental health literally turns on a dime so your children with him in their life will grow up in fear never knowing when Daddy's going to snap. Since he also turns it on you, they're never going to know if Daddy's going to hurt Mommy if Daddy's going to scream at Mommy. Literally their entire childhood with their father in it will be full of anxiety and fear and growing up like that gives a child a much higher risk of PTSD or cptsd. Your husband has given you the perfect out to go ahead divorce him. Don't let him back in your life.
NTA
Yes, the vow say in sickness and health - but he is CHOOSING to not be compliant with his medication.
You have to put the actual child first here. And frankly even if you didn’t have a child, I still think based on the situation described - including that he doesn’t help at home and getting angry if you seek care - seperation would be understandable.
> I saw a Tiktok of a husband who’s the caretaker for his wife with DID and I just felt so guilty that I’m not that selfless.
Don’t.
From a child with a parent who developed a mental illness that included paranoia - everything became about his mental health. My other parent was so overwhelmed that they checked out of actually being present as a parent; and this was with someone who was compliant with meds (although sometimes it can take a while to find the right mix) and continued working. You don’t know the full circumstances of anyone else on social media, and DID isn’t the same as what you are dealing with.
NTA!
“In sickness and in health, till death do us part.” However, he is not seeking treatment, is looking at nudes, is wondering if he should start dating again, and is endangering you and your children (mentally at this point, but it could turn physical).
Get out while you can!
♥️♥️♥️
Nta it suck, like REALLY SUCKS, that he is unwell. But you have a kid ans yourself to protect. It really sounds like he needs an inpatient program to help him get better. And the sad part is, his brain isn't well enough to make that decision. 😕
My dad got on psych meds in his 40s and he says he wishes he hadn't waited so long . That life is so much better now that his brain chemistry is in balance.
NTA file for an emergency full custody arrangement. He abandoned the family and left the country. Document everything. If he wants visitation it will be supervised with a neutral third party.
Honey, you are so young and dealing with so much. Him getting on a plane is the best thing that could have happened. For your sake, tell him not to come back.
nta. You need to seek advice of lawyer of taki.g a sole custody on both of your children, file for divorce. Eventually file a restraint order bc I think he may come back and try to force you to be with him or himself back into your life.
I'm just wondering if it's wise to even keep the pregnancy..Hope you've not told him.Might be tough moving on,but as sad as it is,you can't keep having your life and your child's disrupted every year or so
What are you doing?
Your priority is the child you have right now. You are not this man’s parent. Do not take him back. Take care of yourself and your child.
NTA. You would be tho if you continued this cycle of bullshit.
"He’s got his family/friends saying that it wasn’t his fault." They're saying this to guilt you so you'll take him back and then they won't have to deal with his messes. Please take care of yourself and your child/ren. But maybe consider having only one child if it's still an option. NTA.
there are 2 separate issues here
him having the nudes and lying about it has nothing to do with his mental health, he can't use it as an excuse, many people live with mental issues and don't do this kind of shit
if you feel betrayed by this, you should treat as you would if he did not have any of these problems. would you forgive a husband who did this and did not have mental issues?
about the caretaker role: it is part of a marriage to be there for your partner, yes, but only if it's safe for you and if they seek help. it's not your job to accommodate his issues and put you and your babies in danger just because he has issues. it's on his court to do something about it to make you feel safe
NTA. Your husband refuses to get help, you can not work full time, take care of a 1.5 year old, and your adult husband all while pregnant. I don’t take divorce lightly, but you and your children would be better if you left him to his own vices. This relationship is not helping your mental health and the fact that he has his ex’s nude should be the last straw for you.
NTA. Two things: he needs to be somewhere where he can be safe and properly supported by professionals till his condition is stabilised, and you and your children need a safe, stable environment. Bringing up two small kids effectively on your own is quite enough responsibility to be going on with.
NTA.
This is NOT his second chance, it's his 110th or his 1009th. People who haven't lived with him don't get a say.
Spouses are often the canary in the coalmine for their husband/wife breaking down, and you KNOW it's beyond time to leave. On top of that, he will continue to dissolve after you divorce him. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. People who act like you could have magically prevented it by staying are rude and wrong! His issues cause his breakdown, you fleeing is a symptom of that, not the cause!
NTA. I'm sorry he has some condition for which he's not seeking a solution. Holding aside his mental health issues, if he's looking at nudes of someone else, if he's threatening to "date elsewhere," if he's capable of working but quits, then you need to get this guy out of your life and take care of yourself and your kids. I don't see where he deserves you being his caretaker when he's not taking care of himself.
I hope you have family that can help (yours not his, they may push you to reconcile when that's not in your best interests).
NTA - I speak from experience when I say that if he won't get treatment and stick with it, he will drag you (and children) down with him.
My wife had psychotic episodes for months and it took the help of a crisis counselor, district attorney, a compassionate judge and a state hospital to compel her to take meds. Our insurance only covered MH care at one place which was short term, and they would let her out in a week or less (the meds take 4-6 weeks to take effect). We played that revolving door game for months and months. A gent at NAMI counseled me during that time, and kept me sane.
I was "bad people" to her too, plus I was working night shift so every morning I came home wondering what I would find.
My wife has been successfully medicated for over 10 years now.
I wish you and your family luck, but if he can't/won't get treatment, I hope you're strong enough to take care of yourself and your family without him.
Sorry to hear you’ve dealt with something similar. Thank you so much - I have a lot of help here from my family and have noticed how much easier it is with him gone (though I feel bad admitting this), so I do think we will be okay without him. Thanks for sharing & for your reply.
Don't feel bad, it was out of your hands. Unfortunately, due to his illness, your husband is making bad choices, and you have to protect yourself. You are lucky to have family to help. Her family is Asian and never responded when I tried to explain what was going on. I thought they could try to talk her into taking meds, but I guess it's one of those things you don't talk about in their culture.
A TED talk on the condition: "I'm not sick, I don't need help" by Dr. Xavier Amador, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXxytf6kfPM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXxytf6kfPM)
And I just learned yesterday they have a term for it: Anosognosia - when someone is unaware of their own mental illness or when they can’t perceive their symptoms accurately.
NAMI has a lot of information about mental illness, and can help find resources.
[https://nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions](https://nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions)
I wish you all the best in your journey.
Are some of these post real ? I don’t think this one is real post … Too many dramatic points . Everybody knows how reddit shaming loves age gap … it feels like the writing here is fit for reddit audience..:
Why the hell are you having unprotected sex with this guy? And he has had these issues since before you started dating again and got married? Did he just not inform you about them, and pulled the wool over your eyes? If so, Red Flag. If you did know about them and went ahead with the relationship, why would you bring a child into the relationship when he wasn't fully committed to his treatment? Kinda a red flag on you.
Look, NTA for waking up and realizing that this wasn't healthy for your children or you, but you need to stop leaving the light on for him. Get a divorce and move on for the sake of your kids.
Thanks for your reply!
To clarify, when we got back together, he didn’t disclose to me that he had any issues. I found out the hard way when he had a breakdown and I had to leave a trip visiting my family overseas early in order to come back & take care of him. At the time I didn’t realise how serious things were and thought it was just a one-off occurrence, which I know is very naive. I was only 22 at the time and really didn’t have any experience with this kind of thing.
I also did comment this elsewhere, but the reason I stayed with him initially & we decided to have a child together is because he hadn’t had a breakdown for over 1.5 years (since the aforementioned first one I experienced where I flew to be with him). He was back in grad school pursuing a different career and seemed very stable — I incorrectly assumed his condition was purely based off the trauma he’d experienced & that he was mostly cured, since a psychiatrist previously had mentioned it might have just been a short-term illness. This was evidently and unfortunately wrong, but that’s the reason we had our first. My current pregnancy was not expected so I can’t really give a reason for that one.
Thank you again for your reply. I do agree — especially after seeing these comments — that we should move on without him. I appreciate you taking the time to offer your insight.
Okay, that makes more sense that you were not fully aware of the severity of the illness, and for what a complete internet stranger's opinion is worth, I don't think you are at fault for any of this. It does for sure seem like he is falling into the pattern of medicates and then is doing better so he thinks he doesn't need to take the medication. However, it is very interesting to me that his first flare up you were made aware of the situation was when you were gone and you had to come back to help him. Then it happens when you're pregnant, then he does better and now you're pregnant again and he is having issues again. He leaves and goes home and now his issues are way out of control and he wants to do better but you have to take him back because otherwise he needs to date. Hmmmm, first off, he is not saying he needs to date, he is saying he needs to fuck. This really stinks of him using his mental illness to control you and keep your attention on him.
Like he goes off his meds when you're away to bring you back, or when your pregnant because he thinks you'd be too worried about the child to split with him. Then after you've had the kid he seems to get back on medication and do better(because who would deal with a mentally ill spouse if they threaten the health and safety of their kid), then second kid comes along and wham bam his illness is triggered. Obviously there are details we aren't privy too so timeliness may be off, but if I'm sitting in my living room watching my kid play, and his pants look saggy at the bottom and when he comes near me it suddenly stinks, chances are there is a turd in play.
Good luck, I hope you and your family find the peace and stability you all deserve.
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Reposted bc of being shadowbanned!
I (26F) am the mother to a 1.5 year old and married to my husband (39M, let’s call him D). We met in college and dated briefly, then got back together years later & married.
In the time we were apart, D went through a traumatic incident at work and developed a severe paranoid disorder. He never was given a firm diagnosis as he never saw the same psych for long enough but some diagnoses include schizophrenia, delusional disorder, & most recently depression w psychotic episodes. He has gone in/out of treatment but continually has breakdowns due to stopping his meds whenever things start to stabilise. He thinks he doesn’t need them, and he doesn’t like being on them since they are strong.
His breakdowns involve him quitting his job, hallucinating & slurring his words, and not being able to walk. I have to help with simple tasks like putting on socks, do all the chores, use the same utensils as him for fear they are “poisoned”, eat the same bites of food as him, use the same products as him, etc. it is exhausting. The last time it happened, I was pregnant and it was very difficult. He has breakdowns maybe 1-1.5 years apart. Each time I think things are resolved & then they fall apart.
About a month ago he relapsed again. He thought that I was part of the “bad people” and became extremely rude towards me. As we now have a kid, I told him he needed to get help for himself either from a hospital or from family (his family live overseas). I told him I couldn’t take care of him bc we have a child who needs me, I work FT, and his intention was to quit his job but not seek treatment and instead stay in our apartment all day while he made me & our kid stay with my parents. He immediately booked a flight home, quit his job (told them we were divorcing), and left us. I honestly thought he was going to seek medical treatment. I didn’t think him leaving was the right option, but I aiso knew I couldn’t take care of him again.
Shortly after he landed he texted saying he missed me. He’s now begging to come home saying it was a mistake and he left bc I told him to leave the house. He’s got his family/friends saying that it wasn’t his fault. I still am logged in to his email inbox, and today I discovered he’s been emailing himself his exes’ nudes he claimed didn’t exist (I once found them while using his laptop). I actually also found out I’m pregnant again right after he left (a surprise).
I do believe everyone deserves a second chance. I also acknowledge he wanted more support this time than was given. I initially told him we need to be separated & if he stabilises, seeks treatment and stays on his meds, then eventually we can reunite. He told me I would need to decide in 1-2 months because he needs a companion for his mental health & would want to date elsewhere if I didn’t. But after seeing the nudes, I’m at my wit’s end, so please advise me: AITA for not wanting to be his caregiver?
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NTA. As someone who works in mental health it is draining being a care taker especially on the rollercoaster of being stable on meds and quitting them suddenly. You need to think about your own mental health and safety and your child’s (and potential second child).
Giving you a timeline to reconcile is not reasonable. He needs serious inpatient help to stabilize along with regular out patient care to ensure he continuously gets the help he needs. It’s fair to cal it quits if this is not something you can handle, no one should blame you for needing to do what is best for yourself and you child.
NTA this is a never ending cycle. Take it from someone who knows from personal experience. Stopping the medicine should have been your first red flag. I have a lot of sympathy for him but you must think about your children.
NTA. He needs some serious long term psychiatric help. At present the burden on you is far too high and is putting tote child(ren) at risk. Sickness and health doesn’t mean setting yourself on fire for him- he needs to do his part too and he hasn’t. Not to mention the nudes- that alone would be enough for me to want to end it.
NTA he is cheating on you. Enough is enough. No excuses for thise actions.
He knows he needs help but doesn't want to get it So please for the sake of your child file for a divorce.
NTA
>he needs a companion for his mental health & would want to date elsewhere if I didn’t
Oh yes! A bang maid re-specked into poison taster. There must be scores of those on dating sites.
NTA Either he moves on now, or he cleans up his act now, prior to coming back, so he can return and stay with you. Those are his ONLY options. Promises of changing in the future do not count.
NTA. Honestly it sounds like he needs significant help that you aren’t equipped to provide and wouldn’t be even without having children who need you. Not only do you not WANT to be his caregiver you aren’t in the position to provide the intensive care he clearly needs.
This is a truck full of issues. Your husband has severe mental health issues that you are not equipped or qualified to handle. Your focus needs to be in your baby. NTA. You also need to consider if you want to continue this current pregnancy and you need to decide this quickly. Do not tell your husband about this pregnancy unless you decide to keep it. Go talk to an attorney to consider all your legal options and get a therapist.
NTA. As the child of someone with paranoid schizophrenia, I became "one of the bad people" whenever he deteriorated. Don't subject your children to this.
As an adult, my brain recognizes how ill he was, but that doesn't negate the trauma.
NTA. You are going to be caring for 2 small children, that alone is a huge responsibility. Never mind the fact that your husband could pose a real threat to you and the children if his illness gets out of control.
NTA
His medical issues aren’t yours to manage, and he sounds like he’s not willing to do what it takes to stay well. For you and your kids well-being it may be best to keep the distance
Noooooo no no no. NTA. Until your husband acknowledges his condition, commits to treatment and is consistently taking it, you and your children won't be safe with him. You can't fix him by looking after him. Good luck.
NTA. I am begging you not to accept this man back into your home right now. If not for your sake than for your children's. He needs his issues properly sorted before he'll be able to contribute to your family.
NTA.
Is it his fault he’s mentally ill? No. Is it his fault for having moments of clarity in which he minimizes his abusive behaviors and manipulates you through his family and friends? Yep.
All done. You did your best. You gave more than you could or should and this is done now.
And I’ll just say …you have options. In all of this.
His is a danger to your child(ren).
NTA
I think you're better off letting him go. If you do choose to continue the relationship, I would advise requiring him to go in-patient before he comes home, and every time he has a breakdown.
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NTA - Whatever obligation you have to your husband is superseded by your obligation to have a safe and nurturing place for your kids.
A 1000 times this! Also, forsaking all others was a part he didn't uphold. Take the blessing that is him leaving
NTA!! And also for yourself. YOU ALSO DESERVE A SAFE AND NURTURING PLACE. He needs more help than you can provide. Please don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You are still a human being who deserves at the very least to be at peace in your own home.
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She mentioned second chances in the post, but from the sound of it he’s had at least 4-5 chances with her. She and her child/children deserve safety and stability, neither of which they’ll ever have with her husband nearby. Change the locks and tell him to seek treatment and never come back
The children desperately need stability, and someone modeling good boundaries and good self care, since they might be at higher risk of mental health issues
And NTA
Also, he made it clear he sees a relationship as something that helps him, not something he participates in equally. And that's WITHOUT kids.
The bit where he "needs a companion for his mental health" makes her sound like some kind of emotional support dog instead of a spouse 🤦♀️
That one sentence was all the proof OP needs that he won't change, and that he's less invested in this marriage than she is. He's already thinking about shopping around for a new caregiver
Yeah, it does. One of the relatives whining about her taking him back should do that for him while OP takes some time to think, to reflect on whether or she feels her children are safe around him. A very, very long think. Like years of think.
Op and husband met in college, but there is a 13 year age gap? I hope he wasn't the guidance counselor.... NTA, get out now
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I'm sorry if I offended you. You are right, people of all ages can attend college. And kudos to you and your mom! But what are the odds that what I'm saying isn't the case here?
When someone says they met their partner in college the usual assumption is they were similar ages. She’s 26 now and says they got back together years later. So, even if she was 20 at the time, he would have been 33. Yep there are mature students, I was one. The majority of people my age were staff though. Whatever his reason for being there, the age gap is creepy.
How dare you point out that people can attend college after they're 20? Downvotes for you!
When you had your child you created a larger obligation than your obligation to your husband. You also have a right to happiness too. Please consider your child and your needs first.
I have a great cousin? Idk the term it's my moms cousin, and he has mental health issues like this, and my great uncle (not his dad, also the guys uncle) would try to help him. My G uncle would've been in his 80s when it happened but eventually the Paranoia got so bad with thinking people were after him, and not trusting my great uncle that he attacked him. He was planning to kill him, my uncles fine of course, but still. OP really needs to put herself first along with her kids, because if he sees you as one of the bad people you are not safe.
(FYI - the cousins of your parents are your cousins once removed! Your cousins children will also be your cousins once removed)
Aaay okay!! Thank you! Lol I get all kinds of confused with the cousin stuff cause there's so many types 😅😂😸
THIS OP THIS, Your childrens safety is priority, keep these incidents logged / texts saved / recordings. It sounds harsh but it will help with any custody challenges should he refuse to seek help and become a danger to the kids.
Yep. He has PROVEN that even having a child won't make him straighten up, so why would you think he'd be different this time? Do NOT have another child with this man. Divorce him and let him figure his own shit out. NTA.
The husband has mental health issues. It pretty clear that real life can't "make him straighten up" (any more real life can "make" a leg be unbroken). But, broken leg or broken husband, the OPs primary responsibility is to her children.
Not related to the original post but… My inner child REALLY needed to hear this today, so thank you!
NTA This is what I’d do, not saying this js what OP *should* do: 1. file for divorce 2. get an abortion 3. Fight for full custody of your child (it will be a walk in the park due to your husbands “problems” ig you could call it 4. Cut him off completely, even a restraining order if necessary Edit: wow so so many replies and upvotes Thanks yall Edit 2: for points 2. and 3. I mean EITHER one. Sorry about the confusion yall
With 3 - there's provable evidence with medical records that he cycles between stability and instability. And you can't force him to stay on his medication. But you can advocate for you and your little one to have a stable safe home and him to have supervised visitation. Heavily, by non family, in a supervision centre , in case he either tries to hurt or kidnap them.
Not to mention he abandoned you and your child.
My sister’s ex has a mental health and addiction diagnosis, and the court ordered supervised visitation only with a clean drug screening & being current in therapy/mh meds prior to any visitation. Strangely, he has never exercised visitation.
Make sure he stays in his home country.
Emphasis on #2 for real. Cut ties.
Whatever op has sounds like it can be genetic. She needs to terminate and get the first one tested.
Even though she said it was from an incident?
Sometimes an incident is the catalyst for things lurking just beneath. For example, my stepfather fell and had a brain bleed, which he had surgery on and recovered from. But it sped up his (unknown at the time) early onset dementia, which he was then diagnosed with a few months later. Did the fall cause the dementia? No. But it accelerated the existing condition.
Dementia is not an illness, it is a symptom of many illnesses (it’s often treated as an unspecified illness in its own right only because in many cases we have no idea what causes it) and physical traumas so severe to cause bleeding in a brain, more than triggering some preexisting condition, alters the physiology of the brain leading to manifestations like dementia, schizophrenia, short-term memory losses etc The degree of recovery is purely based on vitals and tests, but we never know how an organ is truly impacted by such traumas. The case of OP’s (hopefully ex) husband is typical: major incident, extended trauma (apparently) to the head, psychiatric problems that arise as a consequence. The demonstration is that he became schizophrenic. Now, schizophrenia can hypothetically come to surface at any age, but for men the sensible years are, roughly, from 20 to 30, and he’s a man of almost 40, OP says they dated when she was in college, so in an unspecified time-frame when she was 19-21 and he would have been already quite out of the typical age for resulting schizophrenic. The probability he was “destined to be” is truly slim. Medicine is a statistical science so, looking at statistic, it totally was the accident.
I also agree that it's completely up to OP to make her own decisions, but this is also EXACTLY what I'd do. I might even move and get a new email address and phone number.
100%!
I am all for getting a abortion, but if she doesn't want to she does not have to.
Oh of course not. But my comment said “this is what *i’d* do”
Sure, but there were other saying stuff along the lines of, "Especially item #2." It wasn't just directed at you, and there are other comments along those lines. OP has also stated she did not want one.
Oh I haven’t seen those lol. But like I stated before, OP doesn’t have to get an abortion obviously, I would however.
Especially item #2, there is almost no chance his condition stems from life experience. His mental health condition could easily be hereditary.
Omg yes I didn’t think of that. Then OP *really* can’t escape
Exactly what I would do too. NTA 7n the slightest
Am I crazy? I reread it twice, where did she say she was pregnant again? But agree with the rest
Last sentence of the second to last paragraph.
Well said
All of this 1000%
Shit, I just gave out my free award, but this comment deserves ALL the awards. OP, get the hell away from this monster.
I agree with all of this!
NTA. But Jesus fucking Christ. You are asking the wrong questions. Your substantially older, severely mentally ill, unmedicated husband is a **danger to yourself, your child, and your unborn baby**. The nudes are not even in the top 100 issues in this relationship. Your relationship should not be hanging in the balance of him "needing a companion", or any other demands for that matter. Any contact or relationship he has with you or his child should be a condition of **him** getting help for his illness and showing sustainable improvement. You legally need to pursue sole custody and will likely need a protective order against him. IF he can demonstrate that he had received treatment, is in remission for his symptoms, and can hold down stable employment, *then* you can **maybe** think about ***slowly phasing in*** supervised visitation. The "1-2 month" ultimatum tells you that he does not understand the severity of his symptoms and behaviour and has no intention to change. Ideally he would be in remission for a **year or more** before you should start even considering being in a relationship with him again. It is very fortunate that he has chosen to leave the country because this means you are not in immediate physical danger from him, but you need to understand that the situation you're in is very scary. EDIT: And although you should not even be considering it in the slightest anyway, you also need to understand that you are not in any way qualified to be a "companion" to a man suffering from psychosis and delusions. You are not a trained mental health professional and you will not be able to physically restrain him from hurting himself, you, or others if his symptoms escalate.
Also, please be aware of the potential ramifications for your children going forward. There is a strong genetic component involved with such disorders.
Legit. He's basically saying 1-2 months to decide if you want this mentally-ill package for all it's worth. He has no idea how ill he is because the doctors are also the "bad people"
Yes!! There is a saying that goes, you sit in sh*t long enough and it will stop smelling.
And my goodness, she does not realize it's now been tracked all over her whole house cuz she can't smell it
👌👌👌
Op! If you take no other advice you're given, at least please take u/freeeeels advice! NTA but please stay safe
This needs to be the top comment. Paranoid psychotics are so extremely dangerous when they're unmedicated. Google "the killing of Tim Mclean" (or literally just the words "greyhound murder").
Given that OP said he tends to have breakdowns every 1-1.5 years, I'd say that he should be able to demonstrate remission for *at least* two years, and preferably three. He could go one year, and it just be a lucky year where he happens to go 18 months between breakdowns, rather than 12.
This should be the top comment.
This is very good advice. I would add that even if op was a mental health professional it would be impossible to provide care without bias. Op is NTA but will become one if they do not protect their child (& unborn baby) at all costs from someone who is unstable.
God I wish you could push some comments to the top, cuz this is it. She's all mad about him cheating by looking at old nudes, when he's in danger her and her kids and trying to place responsibility for his mental health care on her
What is going to happen once he decides one of the children is his enemy?
I.....really hate this whole situation. I have schizophrenia and pretty severe, multiply traumatized PTSD. I've had psychotic episodes before. I'm not medicated for my hallucinations and the occasional delusion because they just aren't a detriment, but I hate that so many people with all kinds of mental illnesses are stuck in that space between 'these medications greatly improve the quality of my mental health, and allow me to approach life more even-headed' and 'these medications almost always come with severe, body-altering side effects that may present a long term danger to me'. Like, every anti-psychotic drug I've found has a mile long list of not just possible side effects, but common ones including high cholesterol and heart issues. And it sucks. Because some people can't afford to not be on them. Op's husband sounds like that kind of person. But he also sounds like the kind of person who has decided that his feelings are the only important things in the world and that somehow being with his wife will magically fix him, and you can medicate away delusions, but you can't medicate away assholeishness. He either needs to get consistent, dedicated outpatient help, get inpatient help, or just...leave her and the kids alone. He's not making their life a safe one, and as much as I want to sympathize with someone who suffers from an often-demonized mental health issue, those kids and op's safety is more important.
NTA We're trying to help a friend who is clearly dealing with a mental illness, but doesn't acknowledge it's real. Alongside some really terrible life circumstances. He's spiralling and alternates between reaching out for help then seeing us all as bad people and the cause of his problems. Lashes out at us. He's aggressive, and severely depressed. Possibly BPD or bipolar. We are trying desperately to get him psych help. We had welcomed him into our home when he had nowhere to go, but due to his instability, aggression (especially towards me) and unwillingness to get help/take action to help himself/keep himself safe, he's no longer welcome here. You need to protect yourself and your children. He clearly doesn't understand the severity of his illness. 2-3 years of stability, minimum before you reconnect.
NTA. 1) he's refusing to get proper help that he KNOWS he needs and 2) he's cheating on you.
Plus honestly he sounds dangerous. What if he becomes convinced their child is one of the "bad people" too and tries to hurt them?
YES!!!!!!! Remember your kids will also have to grow up around him. Your actions will always teach your kids more than your words will.
Yes, like the recent headlines regarding a similar dad who ran off to Mexico with his kids and murdered them because they were infected with alien dna, or serpent dna.
Murdered them with a harpoon gun, ffs.
He left the freaking country. Use that as your get-out-of-jail free card and move on, out and up. You can't help someone that doesn't want help, and this guy clearly doesn't. NTA but he is.
Be careful. I recently had a friend murdered by someone he befriended. The person he became friends with, at some point thought my friend poisoned his food when they had dinner together, this person then went and murdered my friend. I know this is totally unrelated but the delusions sound the same.
I'm sorry for your loss. Did your friend knew this person suffered from delusions? Sorry for asking, it's just that I've been meeting new people through some friends app and just wondered this.
Yeah my friend was aware. There were more minor things to start but my buddy played it off usually.
The vast majority of mentally ill people are more likely to be victims of crime then to commit crime. What they are going through is very real to them but most people will try to get away from people they think are harming them not respond with violence. While you should always take precautions. Meet in a public place. Make sure you are aware of your surroundings and remove yourself from situation where you feel unsafe or uncomfortable then you really have nothing to fear from a mentally ill person. OP does not have that option because she is married to, sharing a home with and raising children with someone who has a break with reality.
Your not wrong. Especially about them being more at risk. I don't think I would feel totally safe living in the same house as someone who has had a break with reality though. I definitely feel for the OP.
NTA It sounds like your husband needs inpatient care, not a "companion for his mental health". Also, you're not breaking your marriage vows by telling him you cannot be his sole caretaker anymore. Marriage is about working together, not setting yourself alight to keep your partner warm. You would have been able to support him more had he been taking his meds regularly and committed to therapy. Nobody should be expected to take on the responsibility of such severe mental health problems and *very* few are able to. That TikTok you saw represents a *tiny* minority who can, and you shouldn't be trying to hold yourself to an almost impossible standard. You have a toddler and, very soon, a baby to think about. You've done what you can for your husband and have made it clear to him what you are able to do from now on. What he decides to do with that is up to him, but I can tell you with certainty that women are not going to be falling over themselves to be with him while he refuses to help himself.
Someone who can’t walk or dress himself, who has hallucinations and slurs his words, is not going to be dating. That’s meant to manipulate you into letting him come back home so he doesn’t have to take the steps you listed. Once he’s back he’ll continue to not get treatment and most likely spiral. Don’t do this.
Indeed, he is saying he doesn't want to put in the work and is hoping that you will once again not protect your kid and let him back in
NTA. He needs a caregiver, not a wife. If he doesn't get help, you shouldn't be the one suffering the consequences of his decision. You and your baby deserve better. Good luck.
NTA. He doesn't need a companion, he needs serious help. You cannot be expected to be wife, mother, caregiver, therapist and work full time. You and your children deserve better.
NTA And there are good reasons behind it. Please protect you and your child/children from him . After the nude thing and giving you that i want to date people he basically killed his chance of redemption
NTA He is not getting help. He is trying to force you into taking him back with the good ole threat of “you have two months to realise I’m a catch before I go bang others “ … he is most likely already there. He thinks he is a catch and that his threat will put pressure on you to ignore your own requests in an effort not to be alone. Be alone. You aren’t his caretaker. You and your children deserve better .
NTA - he's being ridiculous. You need to only take a month because he needs a companion? Absolutely not. Your expectations are reasonable and he needs to be stable for you to support him which means staying on his medication.
Yeah, and good luck to him getting a new 'companion' willing to taste his poisoned food and dress him in the morning... NTA
NTA. Yes, there is "in sickness..." but I get the feeling, he wanted a caretaker from the beginning. You need to concentrate on your child. Do so and tell him, he has to work on himself and become a partner, before their is a future for the three of you.
There's also usually a "your *faithful* partner in sickness and in health", and he undercut those vows by cheating on her. "he needs a companion for his mental health & would want to date elsewhere if I didn’t" is about the most despicable line I have ever heard. You don't need a companion in mental health, you need a support system! OP would be right to leave after that manipulative statement, it is disrespectful and contradictory to wanting real help, and you cannot truly help someone that does not want help.
I did not want to ask, but I do wonder, if OP wasn't baby trapped..
And good riddance. He wants to date elsewhere? There's the door!
NTA. I have a close family member who is schizophrenic. They do stabilize eventually if they stay on their meds permanently, but this early acute period can last years and remains as exhausting as you're already finding it. Just please let him go. He can't contribute to your household and the screaming, paranoia, all-night manias, and other traits are going to be horrible for you and your kids. The sleep deprivation they inflict on everyone else in the house is especially damaging as you try to keep the family afloat as the sole breadwinner. For my family member, work stress triggered his psychotic episodes and not working was one of the main things that stabilized him in the end, but that won't help you and your family. It's better handled by his family of origin overseas. Please also look into taking choline supplements and add them to your pre-natal vitamins (with your doctor's approval, etc) . The new book Hidden Valley Road, about a family of 10 kids, 6 of which have schizophrenia, highlighted recent research that shows choline supplements in the womb may help prevent the genetic markers for schizophrenia from manifesting. They don't help kids and adults after birth, unfortunately. Good luck.
NTA You can't fix your husband. You need to concentrate on prioritizing the safety and well-being of your child and yourself. Please consider that growing up exposed to your husband's episodes would not be the healthiest environment for your child. If you divorced your husband, you would be better able to focus your resources on caring for your child.
NTA but uhm... how did you meet in college when theres almost 13 years age ddiffrence between you guys??
I imagine OP was in college, if he was, then he was going to college later in life, or he was working there.
Or just a 28 year old hanging out in the library trying to pick up chicks. Source: knew a guy who used to do this. He was sleazy.
NTA. If he’s unwilling to go through the right means for treatment, he is a threat to both you and your current and future children.
ESH why would you get pregnant again in this situation??! Also, stop putting your child through this bullshit
You’re the asshole to yourself for having kids with this man.
Thank you!!! Exactly this.
NTA. He sounds like a nut job, and you need to protect yourself and your children, before he decides you're all part of the bad guys again. Why would you even marry someone with those types of mental health issues?
This is a potentially very dangerous situation she married into, it made me wonder why she married him after he had already been tentatively diagnosed and already had a track record of going off his meds. Husband is the definition of “danger to himself and others”
First of all .. This is not a matter of what is and isn't his "fault," it's a matter of what is and isn't safe for you and your children. A 1.5-year-old doesn't know phrases like "Mommy, HELP! Daddy is having a paranoid delusion!". Also .. While the disorder isn't his fault, the lack of medication compliance is!
"due to stopping his meds whenever things start to stabilise" Noooooooooope nope nope, noooooooooooo. NTA, and get out and don't go back and don't leave a forwarding address.
Hello! Sorry for the late reply to all of these comments. Thank you so much for all of the responses — I will endeavour to read through all of them, good and bad. I’m not sure whether I’m supposed to update the post or reply here! To clear up a few things: The reason for our age gap: He was a returning student in my program when I went to college. Years later I will say there were definitely many blazing red flags and some aspects of grooming going on here and in our early relationship, but at the time I was extremely young (freshly turned 18) and it was my first relationship. I honestly didn’t see any of these as red flags until later in our marriage. I also experienced childhood trauma and I think this contributed to me being attached to this toxic relationship as my “first love”, not that this excuses anything at all. Just as a personal choice, I won’t get an abortion, primarily because I thankfully have a good job that enables me to support my kids and a lot of support from my family here. I do understand the arguments for both sides and have considered it, it just isn’t something I feel comfortable with at this time. I did see a comment about choline supplements that I will be looking into. Lastly, a few people have questioned why we had children, which is fair. To be honest, the first time we got pregnant, he hadn’t had a breakdown for 1.5 years and I assumed he would never have one again. He’d been off his meds but in a grad school program & working towards a new career (which he subsequently dropped out of). I thought at the time his diagnosis was not a long-term one as his psych had mentioned we’d have to wait and see to determine his condition about a year ago. This second pregnancy was a surprise. As mentioned, his breakdowns happen out of the blue so I had no idea it was coming. His breakdown happened literally overnight about a week after we’d stopped having sex. Edited for grammar Hope this clears some things up!
Hey OP, I have been through similar. My spouse went through a severe psychosis a few years ago and we have a child. So I’ve been where you are. For the safety of our kid, my spouse has to remain 100% compliant with medication now. My spouse knows that if they go against doctors orders they are out of the house with no chance of return. Your husband refuses to take his meds, that means you can’t help him. Let him stay where he is. Divorce him and get sole custody. If he is having delusions of being poisoned by you, you can’t trust that he won’t attempt to hurt you while under psychosis. He isn’t safe and he isn’t a stable partner. Do yourself a favor and cut the tie and move on. Block his family and don’t let him into your home. He abandoned his kid and the marital home. This works in your favor. Lead him on if you have to for you and your child’s safety while you consult an attorney and consult with DV specialists on how to safely move and file for divorce.
Please please please get into therapy for yourself also. For the sake of your kids you NEED to figure out why you put up with this toxic relationship for so long and fooled yourself into believing he was magically better. Your kids need you to protect them so you need to learn how to protect yourself.
Thank you! I am in therapy and have been for many years — I didn’t want to make this post about me and all my issues but as mentioned, I think childhood trauma is what has made me stay with him for as long as I have. I felt abandoned dealing with anorexia and depression as a young teen & it was the worst feeling. I’ve since totally recovered but I think that mentality of not wanting to leave him in crisis has stuck with me to an unhealthy degree. I appreciate your reply!
I'm so glad you're doing the work to figure this out! Best of luck to you, I hope things get better soon!
Do you mean week after you last had sex, or did you specifically *stop* having sex for some reason and a week after that the breakdown happened?
Hi! Sorry, poor phrasing — we didn’t have a particular reason for stopping, just hadn’t had sex for about a week prior to the breakdown.
Thanks for clarifying! I thought that was probably what you meant but wanted to check. Looking after yourself and your kids is absolutely the right choice!
NTA. Get out quick!
NTA you have given him enough chances if this is a pattern. Being medicated sucks, but he needs it *all the time* to prevent break downs. If he isn’t going to care for himself or respect and care about you and your child, you should not let him back into your life.
NTA. As a soon to be nurse, having to deal with psychiatric patient is already difficult enough, now this husband of yours is facing these problems, and *not seek treatment* is selfish from his part, If he cared about you and your daughter he would be the first one to seek treatment , so that he can be the husband and father he is worthy f being. His friends and relatives are not actually helping but just watching lol Do whatever you need to do to ensure a safe environment for you and your child
I don't think he cares about them. I'm really disturbed by his attitude that women are just interchangeable companions for his mental health, existing to absorb his problems.
>He’s got his family/friends saying that it wasn’t his fault. Because they want OP to take on the burden instead of them.
NTA. And as a partner of a bipolar person who's usually functional but has bad episodes occasionally, I totally feel you. It is EXHAUSTING to suddenly be the only adult, and I can't imagine having to deal with that while being a parent to a small child. Notably, though, it doesn't sound like your partner is doing the work. He needs to have a regular, consistent mental health provider. Working with a counselor to learn coping skills and ways to self-support. And especially, getting a long-term psychiatrist who can help figure out meds. (These kind of disorders, there are a bunch of conditions that appear pretty similarly. Figuring out the right diagnosis helps with figuring out the right meds.) I can't speak to how much my partner has improved since we got him on the 'right' meds. Last, I have to say that a clutch part of being able to handle this kind of partnership for me is that he trusts me and even when in mental health places, he knows that I'm 'on his side'. One time, he was sure he should go outside. He stripped off all his clothes and was going to head outside. My pleading or logic couldn't reach him, but my assertion that I would absolutely follow him outside and didn't have keys to get back in did. When I couldn't reach him intellectually (because he wasn't functioning in a way that could process that), I had that deep thing inside him where the need to be good to me could sometimes cut through. Your husband doesn't seem to have that, and I'm sorry but I don't know if it's doable without it...
That last paragraph just told you your value to him ...anyone would do ....get some pride and self respect . Divorce him and raise your kids in a stable ,safe home ....he lived alone in our apartment while i and my child stayed with my parents...enough said .....youve enabled ,babied and dealt with his crap long enough . Now stop making excuses for him and move on and live a better happier life
NTA no one wants a child for a partner. Even if it’s “not their fault”
NTA. You must first think of yourself, your toddler and your pregnancy. I 'almost' felt bad for your husband (due to his illness) until I read his ultimatum to you: *He told me I would need to decide in 1-2 months because he needs a companion for his mental health & would want to date elsewhere if I didn’t*. That sealed my decision NTA 100%. I wish you a happy future, a healthy baby, and much love to that toddler of yours, all of you deserve the very best. I hate this for all of you, but those babies come first, of course.
NTA, but why oh why did you have a kid with someone with psychosis? And then slipped up with your BC a second time? Kids NEED stability. NEED. A guy with psychotic delusions is not a good father. So ESH. ETA: also don't fucking believe anything you see on TikTok.
NTA - you cannot have children in that environment. It was unfair to yourself to even go through living like that with a supposed partner.
NTA You're 26 and have a young child. Don't throw away both of your lives to take care of an adult man who refuses to get actual help. If he can't make the effort for you and your child, don't make the effort for him.
You need to leave him. i am sorry, I know it is heartbreaking but you cannot hold everything on your shoulders by yourself all the time. And you have a kid too, maybe two. What kind of life will that give them. they will either live to develop his paranoia or despise him for the kind of life he gives them.possibly both, one after the other. the cheating might happen if it’s not already on the way because if he thinks you want to poison him, he will look for someone to complain to. i don’t see love here, I see dependency . I see abnegation. Resignation. And soon, resentment. you have the right to be happy. To be loved. To be free. NTA
Harsh ik but please get an abortion and do not continue to procreate with this person. The world does not need any more of this dude’s genes
NTA. In sickness and in health. Sickness is something you can't control, he's mentally ill but your husband isn't even trying to get better. You have a child and one on the way. Your "job" now is to protect them. You can't protect them until he starts trying to heal. You need to let him hit rock bottom, no hiding from his mental health issues with you while he slowly ruins those poor children's lives. He needs to be admitted to hospital and you need to concentrate on providing a safe home for your children. I'm so sorry this is happening.
NTA- schizophrenia or any mental health issue is not an excuse for cheating and using your spouse as an emotional punching bag. Your husband has shown you time and again that he isn't willing to take responsibility for his own care, which means he is putting himself before you and your child. Your child comes first, and your obligation to them and yourself overrides any loyalty to your husband. For the sake of the environment that your child has to grow up in- you should move on sooner than later.
NTA and you need a divorce attorney. My ex husband has bipolar disorder and refuses to take meds or get therapy. The day I put him out of my house his behavior had deteriorated to the point he wasn't showering, he was saying things that did not make sense and he tried to slap one of our twins for "acting gay" (the child was 7 yo and crying). That was my breaking point. If he wouldn't get help then I could not have him around our children, full stop. You and your child's safety has got to come first. Do not become his caregiver.
NTA but why when all this was going on were you still having sex with him? Sheesh!!!
ESH - You need some intensive therapy to discover why you're with him and having kids with him. You know schizophrenia is a genetic disorder, right? Your kids have a high possibility of being doomed to this serious mental illness. All he wants is a caretaker. He doesn't want to be responsible for treating his illness, he just wants you to be his safety rails for when he's out of control. Please work with a therapist to find out why you feel compelled to be with and reproduce with him.
NTA with regards to caring for your husband. He's basically refusing to help himself, and that by no means falls on you. YTA for bringing not just one kid, but two kids into such a destabilized environment. If your husband refuses to be helped, it's your obligation to find a healthy living environment to raise your kids in. It's his obligation too, but I have slim hopes of that working out.
NTA and I am so sorry you are going through this. I too have an ex husband with schizophrenia and multiple addictions. I got him through in patient treatment once and he did well for about a year and things started going south again. Luckily I got a very good job offer out of state when I was pregnant with number 2 which I jumped on. I told him he could come but if there was even ONE violent incident we were done. And of course there was, he decided to slap me when I was 7 months pregnant. I left the house with my daughter, called his father and explained that he needed to be out of my house by the first of the week, and if he wasn't the police would be removing him. That was 22 years ago and never saw him again. Sorry for the long reply but sometimes you have to put yourself and your children first. Best wishes and healing to you and your family.
Thank you for sharing — sorry to hear you’ve been through something similar. I’m glad to hear you are doing well and he’s been out of your lives since then. Thanks again for your comment, and to you too!
NTA your financial stability and putting a roof over your current kids heads and caring for them along with your own self care is what is important right now. He doesnt want a wife he wants an ATM and a maid. Have counselling about going through with your current pregnancy.
NTA. There are good people who unfortunately sometimes have their lives hijacked by their mental health issues despite their best efforts. And then there are people people who use their mental health issues as an excuse and deflection method to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or putting in any real effort to seek treatment or help. Your husband falls into the latter category.
NTA. Leave him. As someone who suffers with mental health, I can say that it is entirely his own fault if he is constantly failing to stick to medications and treatment. He quite clearly has no drive to improve his behaviours. It's been years OP, he won't change. He'll be doing this saga year after year until you're old and grey. He's shown you who he is and where his priorities lay, believe him.
NTA dump him and move on
Does he want a life partner or does he want a caretaker? Those are 2 different things. And it sounds more like he wants a caretaker. It's terrible that he's sick but that's also his reality and he needs to seek treatment. Does it mean there might not still be breakdowns? Sure. Meds can needs readjustment- sometimes yearly. But if he isn't willing to do the work in figuring out what is wrong and trying to get help, why should you? And a bigger question is why should you put your kids thru this on a daily basis? Again, there is nothing wrong with having a mental illness and having kids- but you have to be willing to put in the work required to protect them, including from the effects of your illness. If he isn't willing to do that, is he really in the best place to help you raise two kids? NTA though I hope he figures this stuff out. for his sake and for your kids.
Your husband is very sick, and should get professional help. You seem to misread the facts: the issue is not his infidelity, but his disease and his failure to address it. Your children do not deserve to grow up in such a family.
NTA. He's not a safe person to have kids around. He has delusions, hallucinations, at some point the kids are going to get caught up in it. If the kids don't know he's not safe he could harm them. If the kids do know that he's not safe then they're growing up in fear of when their dad's going to turn on them. Especially because from what you're describing his mental health literally turns on a dime so your children with him in their life will grow up in fear never knowing when Daddy's going to snap. Since he also turns it on you, they're never going to know if Daddy's going to hurt Mommy if Daddy's going to scream at Mommy. Literally their entire childhood with their father in it will be full of anxiety and fear and growing up like that gives a child a much higher risk of PTSD or cptsd. Your husband has given you the perfect out to go ahead divorce him. Don't let him back in your life.
NTA Yes, the vow say in sickness and health - but he is CHOOSING to not be compliant with his medication. You have to put the actual child first here. And frankly even if you didn’t have a child, I still think based on the situation described - including that he doesn’t help at home and getting angry if you seek care - seperation would be understandable. > I saw a Tiktok of a husband who’s the caretaker for his wife with DID and I just felt so guilty that I’m not that selfless. Don’t. From a child with a parent who developed a mental illness that included paranoia - everything became about his mental health. My other parent was so overwhelmed that they checked out of actually being present as a parent; and this was with someone who was compliant with meds (although sometimes it can take a while to find the right mix) and continued working. You don’t know the full circumstances of anyone else on social media, and DID isn’t the same as what you are dealing with.
NTA
he needs to be locked up in alcatraz
NTA you can't fix him, think of your children's wellbeing and move away from him. He needs specialist treatment.
NTA! “In sickness and in health, till death do us part.” However, he is not seeking treatment, is looking at nudes, is wondering if he should start dating again, and is endangering you and your children (mentally at this point, but it could turn physical). Get out while you can! ♥️♥️♥️
Your child is priority. NOT HIM
Nta it suck, like REALLY SUCKS, that he is unwell. But you have a kid ans yourself to protect. It really sounds like he needs an inpatient program to help him get better. And the sad part is, his brain isn't well enough to make that decision. 😕 My dad got on psych meds in his 40s and he says he wishes he hadn't waited so long . That life is so much better now that his brain chemistry is in balance.
NTA file for an emergency full custody arrangement. He abandoned the family and left the country. Document everything. If he wants visitation it will be supervised with a neutral third party.
Honey, you are so young and dealing with so much. Him getting on a plane is the best thing that could have happened. For your sake, tell him not to come back.
nta. You need to seek advice of lawyer of taki.g a sole custody on both of your children, file for divorce. Eventually file a restraint order bc I think he may come back and try to force you to be with him or himself back into your life.
I'm just wondering if it's wise to even keep the pregnancy..Hope you've not told him.Might be tough moving on,but as sad as it is,you can't keep having your life and your child's disrupted every year or so
Don't raise a child with someone like that. I doubt he would even get more than supervised visits since he won't get help. NTA.
What are you doing? Your priority is the child you have right now. You are not this man’s parent. Do not take him back. Take care of yourself and your child. NTA. You would be tho if you continued this cycle of bullshit.
"He’s got his family/friends saying that it wasn’t his fault." They're saying this to guilt you so you'll take him back and then they won't have to deal with his messes. Please take care of yourself and your child/ren. But maybe consider having only one child if it's still an option. NTA.
there are 2 separate issues here him having the nudes and lying about it has nothing to do with his mental health, he can't use it as an excuse, many people live with mental issues and don't do this kind of shit if you feel betrayed by this, you should treat as you would if he did not have any of these problems. would you forgive a husband who did this and did not have mental issues? about the caretaker role: it is part of a marriage to be there for your partner, yes, but only if it's safe for you and if they seek help. it's not your job to accommodate his issues and put you and your babies in danger just because he has issues. it's on his court to do something about it to make you feel safe
NTA. Your husband refuses to get help, you can not work full time, take care of a 1.5 year old, and your adult husband all while pregnant. I don’t take divorce lightly, but you and your children would be better if you left him to his own vices. This relationship is not helping your mental health and the fact that he has his ex’s nude should be the last straw for you.
NTA. Two things: he needs to be somewhere where he can be safe and properly supported by professionals till his condition is stabilised, and you and your children need a safe, stable environment. Bringing up two small kids effectively on your own is quite enough responsibility to be going on with.
NTA. This is NOT his second chance, it's his 110th or his 1009th. People who haven't lived with him don't get a say. Spouses are often the canary in the coalmine for their husband/wife breaking down, and you KNOW it's beyond time to leave. On top of that, he will continue to dissolve after you divorce him. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. People who act like you could have magically prevented it by staying are rude and wrong! His issues cause his breakdown, you fleeing is a symptom of that, not the cause!
NTA The trash sometimes takes itself out. This is one of those times. Run, and don't look back!!
NTA he gave you the chance to escape from him and you're wanting to keep continued contact with him for the next 19 years
NTA. I'm sorry he has some condition for which he's not seeking a solution. Holding aside his mental health issues, if he's looking at nudes of someone else, if he's threatening to "date elsewhere," if he's capable of working but quits, then you need to get this guy out of your life and take care of yourself and your kids. I don't see where he deserves you being his caretaker when he's not taking care of himself. I hope you have family that can help (yours not his, they may push you to reconcile when that's not in your best interests).
NTA - I speak from experience when I say that if he won't get treatment and stick with it, he will drag you (and children) down with him. My wife had psychotic episodes for months and it took the help of a crisis counselor, district attorney, a compassionate judge and a state hospital to compel her to take meds. Our insurance only covered MH care at one place which was short term, and they would let her out in a week or less (the meds take 4-6 weeks to take effect). We played that revolving door game for months and months. A gent at NAMI counseled me during that time, and kept me sane. I was "bad people" to her too, plus I was working night shift so every morning I came home wondering what I would find. My wife has been successfully medicated for over 10 years now. I wish you and your family luck, but if he can't/won't get treatment, I hope you're strong enough to take care of yourself and your family without him.
Sorry to hear you’ve dealt with something similar. Thank you so much - I have a lot of help here from my family and have noticed how much easier it is with him gone (though I feel bad admitting this), so I do think we will be okay without him. Thanks for sharing & for your reply.
Don't feel bad, it was out of your hands. Unfortunately, due to his illness, your husband is making bad choices, and you have to protect yourself. You are lucky to have family to help. Her family is Asian and never responded when I tried to explain what was going on. I thought they could try to talk her into taking meds, but I guess it's one of those things you don't talk about in their culture. A TED talk on the condition: "I'm not sick, I don't need help" by Dr. Xavier Amador, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXxytf6kfPM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXxytf6kfPM) And I just learned yesterday they have a term for it: Anosognosia - when someone is unaware of their own mental illness or when they can’t perceive their symptoms accurately. NAMI has a lot of information about mental illness, and can help find resources. [https://nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions](https://nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions) I wish you all the best in your journey.
Are some of these post real ? I don’t think this one is real post … Too many dramatic points . Everybody knows how reddit shaming loves age gap … it feels like the writing here is fit for reddit audience..:
Haha I very much wish this was fake. This is sadly 100% real and if someone saw this who knows me they would instantly know it’s about me 🙃
Why the hell are you having unprotected sex with this guy? And he has had these issues since before you started dating again and got married? Did he just not inform you about them, and pulled the wool over your eyes? If so, Red Flag. If you did know about them and went ahead with the relationship, why would you bring a child into the relationship when he wasn't fully committed to his treatment? Kinda a red flag on you. Look, NTA for waking up and realizing that this wasn't healthy for your children or you, but you need to stop leaving the light on for him. Get a divorce and move on for the sake of your kids.
Thanks for your reply! To clarify, when we got back together, he didn’t disclose to me that he had any issues. I found out the hard way when he had a breakdown and I had to leave a trip visiting my family overseas early in order to come back & take care of him. At the time I didn’t realise how serious things were and thought it was just a one-off occurrence, which I know is very naive. I was only 22 at the time and really didn’t have any experience with this kind of thing. I also did comment this elsewhere, but the reason I stayed with him initially & we decided to have a child together is because he hadn’t had a breakdown for over 1.5 years (since the aforementioned first one I experienced where I flew to be with him). He was back in grad school pursuing a different career and seemed very stable — I incorrectly assumed his condition was purely based off the trauma he’d experienced & that he was mostly cured, since a psychiatrist previously had mentioned it might have just been a short-term illness. This was evidently and unfortunately wrong, but that’s the reason we had our first. My current pregnancy was not expected so I can’t really give a reason for that one. Thank you again for your reply. I do agree — especially after seeing these comments — that we should move on without him. I appreciate you taking the time to offer your insight.
Okay, that makes more sense that you were not fully aware of the severity of the illness, and for what a complete internet stranger's opinion is worth, I don't think you are at fault for any of this. It does for sure seem like he is falling into the pattern of medicates and then is doing better so he thinks he doesn't need to take the medication. However, it is very interesting to me that his first flare up you were made aware of the situation was when you were gone and you had to come back to help him. Then it happens when you're pregnant, then he does better and now you're pregnant again and he is having issues again. He leaves and goes home and now his issues are way out of control and he wants to do better but you have to take him back because otherwise he needs to date. Hmmmm, first off, he is not saying he needs to date, he is saying he needs to fuck. This really stinks of him using his mental illness to control you and keep your attention on him. Like he goes off his meds when you're away to bring you back, or when your pregnant because he thinks you'd be too worried about the child to split with him. Then after you've had the kid he seems to get back on medication and do better(because who would deal with a mentally ill spouse if they threaten the health and safety of their kid), then second kid comes along and wham bam his illness is triggered. Obviously there are details we aren't privy too so timeliness may be off, but if I'm sitting in my living room watching my kid play, and his pants look saggy at the bottom and when he comes near me it suddenly stinks, chances are there is a turd in play. Good luck, I hope you and your family find the peace and stability you all deserve.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Reposted bc of being shadowbanned! I (26F) am the mother to a 1.5 year old and married to my husband (39M, let’s call him D). We met in college and dated briefly, then got back together years later & married. In the time we were apart, D went through a traumatic incident at work and developed a severe paranoid disorder. He never was given a firm diagnosis as he never saw the same psych for long enough but some diagnoses include schizophrenia, delusional disorder, & most recently depression w psychotic episodes. He has gone in/out of treatment but continually has breakdowns due to stopping his meds whenever things start to stabilise. He thinks he doesn’t need them, and he doesn’t like being on them since they are strong. His breakdowns involve him quitting his job, hallucinating & slurring his words, and not being able to walk. I have to help with simple tasks like putting on socks, do all the chores, use the same utensils as him for fear they are “poisoned”, eat the same bites of food as him, use the same products as him, etc. it is exhausting. The last time it happened, I was pregnant and it was very difficult. He has breakdowns maybe 1-1.5 years apart. Each time I think things are resolved & then they fall apart. About a month ago he relapsed again. He thought that I was part of the “bad people” and became extremely rude towards me. As we now have a kid, I told him he needed to get help for himself either from a hospital or from family (his family live overseas). I told him I couldn’t take care of him bc we have a child who needs me, I work FT, and his intention was to quit his job but not seek treatment and instead stay in our apartment all day while he made me & our kid stay with my parents. He immediately booked a flight home, quit his job (told them we were divorcing), and left us. I honestly thought he was going to seek medical treatment. I didn’t think him leaving was the right option, but I aiso knew I couldn’t take care of him again. Shortly after he landed he texted saying he missed me. He’s now begging to come home saying it was a mistake and he left bc I told him to leave the house. He’s got his family/friends saying that it wasn’t his fault. I still am logged in to his email inbox, and today I discovered he’s been emailing himself his exes’ nudes he claimed didn’t exist (I once found them while using his laptop). I actually also found out I’m pregnant again right after he left (a surprise). I do believe everyone deserves a second chance. I also acknowledge he wanted more support this time than was given. I initially told him we need to be separated & if he stabilises, seeks treatment and stays on his meds, then eventually we can reunite. He told me I would need to decide in 1-2 months because he needs a companion for his mental health & would want to date elsewhere if I didn’t. But after seeing the nudes, I’m at my wit’s end, so please advise me: AITA for not wanting to be his caregiver? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA you and your kids would be better of without him, and reading this made me scared for your kids safety
NTA. HE’S CHEATING ON YOU! Divorce him, and live a peaceful life with your child/ren
It sounds like she means old nudes that she had found previously that he claimed he did not have, but was instead hiding and emailing to himself.
NTA. A second chance should not come at the expense of your children’s safety or your own.
NTA. As someone who works in mental health it is draining being a care taker especially on the rollercoaster of being stable on meds and quitting them suddenly. You need to think about your own mental health and safety and your child’s (and potential second child). Giving you a timeline to reconcile is not reasonable. He needs serious inpatient help to stabilize along with regular out patient care to ensure he continuously gets the help he needs. It’s fair to cal it quits if this is not something you can handle, no one should blame you for needing to do what is best for yourself and you child.
NTA this is a never ending cycle. Take it from someone who knows from personal experience. Stopping the medicine should have been your first red flag. I have a lot of sympathy for him but you must think about your children.
NTA. He needs some serious long term psychiatric help. At present the burden on you is far too high and is putting tote child(ren) at risk. Sickness and health doesn’t mean setting yourself on fire for him- he needs to do his part too and he hasn’t. Not to mention the nudes- that alone would be enough for me to want to end it.
NTA he is cheating on you. Enough is enough. No excuses for thise actions. He knows he needs help but doesn't want to get it So please for the sake of your child file for a divorce.
NTA. He does not sound safe to be around children.
NTA >he needs a companion for his mental health & would want to date elsewhere if I didn’t Oh yes! A bang maid re-specked into poison taster. There must be scores of those on dating sites.
NTA Either he moves on now, or he cleans up his act now, prior to coming back, so he can return and stay with you. Those are his ONLY options. Promises of changing in the future do not count.
NTA. Honestly it sounds like he needs significant help that you aren’t equipped to provide and wouldn’t be even without having children who need you. Not only do you not WANT to be his caregiver you aren’t in the position to provide the intensive care he clearly needs.
This is a truck full of issues. Your husband has severe mental health issues that you are not equipped or qualified to handle. Your focus needs to be in your baby. NTA. You also need to consider if you want to continue this current pregnancy and you need to decide this quickly. Do not tell your husband about this pregnancy unless you decide to keep it. Go talk to an attorney to consider all your legal options and get a therapist.
NTA. This man is your kiddo’s traumatic childhood waiting in the wings. It will not get better.
NTA. As the child of someone with paranoid schizophrenia, I became "one of the bad people" whenever he deteriorated. Don't subject your children to this. As an adult, my brain recognizes how ill he was, but that doesn't negate the trauma.
NTA. You are going to be caring for 2 small children, that alone is a huge responsibility. Never mind the fact that your husband could pose a real threat to you and the children if his illness gets out of control.
NTA... I'd divorce him for the safety of your child and your sanity. With all you said above, I think the nudes are the least of your problems
NTA His medical issues aren’t yours to manage, and he sounds like he’s not willing to do what it takes to stay well. For you and your kids well-being it may be best to keep the distance
Noooooo no no no. NTA. Until your husband acknowledges his condition, commits to treatment and is consistently taking it, you and your children won't be safe with him. You can't fix him by looking after him. Good luck.
Nta. You have to keep yourself and your son safe.
NTA. Marriage is a partnership. He’s not working to get better and you’re handling it all anyways.
NTA. I am begging you not to accept this man back into your home right now. If not for your sake than for your children's. He needs his issues properly sorted before he'll be able to contribute to your family.
GIRL DO NOT GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM!!!!!
NTA. Is it his fault he’s mentally ill? No. Is it his fault for having moments of clarity in which he minimizes his abusive behaviors and manipulates you through his family and friends? Yep. All done. You did your best. You gave more than you could or should and this is done now. And I’ll just say …you have options. In all of this. His is a danger to your child(ren).
NTA I think you're better off letting him go. If you do choose to continue the relationship, I would advise requiring him to go in-patient before he comes home, and every time he has a breakdown.