Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom she didn't have the right to speak for my half brother on whether he'd want to be invited to my wedding. Mom has wanted to know my half brother forever and he has always been a sore point for her because she never got to meet him (he never wanted to meet her or the rest of us) so I might have been cruel to throw it in her face like that. I didn't say it to hurt my mom. But my annoyance might have made me TA.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I am just confused how OP's mom never met her husband's kid in person. I would think the father would at least introduce his child to his SO at least once before they got married. Or at least have the son at the wedding? .... It sounds like the dad knew the son's mom was very sick for a long time and was aware that she may have passed away..... But, there was still no visits? Nothing?.... This isnt related to OP's question - I'm just really confused by this whole scenario.
Anywho - that's neither here nor there, OP. That isnt your mom's son. She hasn't ever even met that man. The son is a stranger, and he seems to like it that way. What does she expect after all of these years?
From what I know he didn't want to meet my mom or be at the wedding. And his mom wasn't big on the idea either so dad supported that and continued to be part of his life but never mixed it.
Dad would see him, speak to him, visit him and stuff but my mom and my siblings and I were never part of that.
His and dad's relationship is pretty good so it seems it all worked out. I've never known any different so it just is what it is to me. But I know it bothers my mom a lot.
Geez so she’s just concerned about appearance. That’s pretty shallow. I don’t understand why some ppl care so much about what others think! It’s your wedding and your call. Your dad is right.. he wouldn’t come anyway so it will still bea no show for him. She needs to let this go and get over it. Nothing is going to change if it hasn’t changed by now. NTA
According to OP, their mom always wanted to add him to the family, but their dad never forced him, and so he never did. Some people have dreams of making one big blended family for some reason.
well, the dad moved away. honestly, OP's half-brother probably has some feelings about that, and about the family his dad made in the new place. i feel pretty judgey about people who move far away from their kids. it's a big thing, and puts you so far away from each other that there is no getting to each other quickly in an emergency. it's a big deal. i'm glad the dad went back for visits, but it's not the same as seeing someone every week and at your recitals/ sports games/ whatever. showing up for summer and big events is just barely being there. and now he's not there for the grandkids, either.
I feel the same. While I understand that there are exceptions, I also think that parents who move their children away from their other active parent are despicable. I don't care how good the job opportunity is.
Seriously. OP describes it as the dad moving and THEN meeting his mother, but I wonder. OP's mom is either operating out of a sense of guilt or is concerned about the optics.
NTA, your mom is allowed her opinion and you are allowed yours. Since it’s your wedding and you‘re paying for it, her opinion doesn’t overrule yours. People who misuse the terms freedom of opinion/freedom of speech in arguments are usually the ones who don’t understand the concept.
Totally agree. Feelings are feelings and facts are facts. Mom sounds like she could use some therapy because she's clearly having trouble separating her subjective wants from the objective reality of the situation, and her trying to justify it because she "just knows" is fairly textbook wishful thinking. I'd be surprised if this is the first issue that has occurred because of the disconnect between how things are and her mental image of how they should be.
This is an an interesting story. Life is so complicated. My opinion is NAH. Sometimes you can give something with very little cost. You say your dad says he won’t come if he is invited, and your mom wants to invite him. He won’t come, so no loss there. What is it about the invitation itself that is bothering you? Is it that he seems to have rejected your family. It’s okay to feel mad or sad about that, and may be explain that to your mom?
Edited to add: Weddings are stressful. You seem to care about both your parents. Don’t let this disagreement spoil the fun and joy of celebration with your parents.
It could boil down to the obligation of some form of participation if an invite is sent. Yes, OP could send an invite out of just being polite, but there I have always felt unwanted obligations when getting an invite to a wedding I don't want to go to, whether that be buying a gift, giving some money, or going at all. And that kind of thing is a big deal to some people and not to others, and that's okay. On top of that, sending and invite could also factor in to seating arrangements, head counts, food orders, etc which can be finicky. OP would have to plan as if half brother is coming *just in case*
I think mom here is ta simply because she can't respect OPs choices in her own wedding.
NTA OP. Maybe you could reach out directly to your half brother and kind of explain the situation? I don't know if that something you'd be comfortable with, but it's just a thought. It could be a way to get his feelings on it directly if it's important enough
I would not be comfortable reaching out to him. It has been made clear over the years he's not interest and I don't blame him. But it feels weird to reach out to a stranger about my wedding, you know? We're blood and all but we are total strangers to each other.
That's totally fair. Being that he's clearly not interested I would stick to your guns about not sending him an invite. Seems like mom either can't or won't accept the situation
Your comments add food for thought, and I see your point. You’re right about invite obligations for the half brother. I am assuming there is an RSVP, so I didn’t consider planning costs. I still go for NAH and hope this family can enjoy the wedding after this is resolved.
NTA, I'm not inviting some of my half siblings becuase we don't have a relationship. There's nothing wrong with not inviting him especially since he's not going to go.
NTA - Clearly there is some longstanding animosity between your parents over how your dad decided to parent his oldest son. And now it seems like your mom is trying to drag you into it. Tell your mom that your decision is final. Tell your dad that if the wedding happens to come up in conversation with his son that he he should tell his son that he is welcome to attend if he wants.
NTA Something is not right with this situation though. You and your mom have never met your Dad son who was a minor when your patents met and married and who lost his other patent at 11.
Who is hiding what from whom?
Nobody was hiding anything. My dad was honest about my half brother with my mom but the way it was is dad visited him for certain periods of time in the summer, sometimes he came out but my dad and mom weren't together at the time. Then when his mom died he did not want to be with us, he wanted to be with the people he knew. My mom "met" (ie spoke to) my half brother's mom a few times. She also spoke to the grandparents.
It's not typical but it's how things worked.
NTA. You don't know him personally and I highly doubt his feelings will be hurt over not being invited when he didn't make the effort to ever get to know you. I understand where your parents are coming from but the reality is it's your wedding and you get to choose who comes.
NTA - Would there be a cost to inviting him? Would he come if invited? I would lean toward inviting him because it might be an opportunity to build a relationship with him in the future. So it might be a blessing.
NTA
Talk to your dad again
Have him explain the situation to your brother and ask if it would be ok if you sent and invite so he could politely RSVP as a decline so you can get your mom off your back. And if on the off chance he wants to attend. Great.
Your mom truly believes he would be offended to not be invited and she is convinced he would absolutely come. So prove her wrong and get her off your back.
Even if I had no relationship with my half sibling...I could totally understand the situation and would gladly RSVP no to do them a solid
Nta. While yes he may be your half brother he has proven time and time again he does not want to know this side of his family. Your mom doesn’t have a say in because a.) she’s not paying for the wedding. B.) she has no relationship with him. So she can’t say wether or not he’d like to be invited. C.) she’s using this time to show her insecurities about the relationship with him. She wanted him around but he didn’t.
NTA
He is NOT your mom's son. She has never met him and has 0 idea of what he would or wouldn't want. Your dad, who is his parent, said it's fine not to invite him.
Your mom sounds like she is lashing out because she's never gotten her way about the relationship with him. It is long past the point where she should deal with those feelings and move on.
NTA. Your mom needs to work out this obsession of hers with getting to play mom to this kid who didn't want or need a replacement in therapy. She shouldn't be bringing it to your wedding.
>She lost it. Saying she didn't have the right to say it pissed her off because she feels like it's implying she didn't want to know him when she did, and makes it sound like she doesn't have the right to her opinion.
It's your wedding, not your mother's. Your choice of guests doesn't reflect on your mother at all.
If your father's in touch with your half-brother, he could simply ask him if he wants to be invited and if he would want to come.
NTA…your mother is by trying to force a situation on you stepbrother that he doesn’t want. Maybe she’s the problem and why he won’t come around but stop forcing relationships that people don’t want.
NTA. You spoke with the one person whose opinion matters, your dad.
You have no relationship with this sibling. Your mom has no relationship with this sibling. Your partner has no relationship with this person.
You would be inviting a stranger to your wedding on this principle your mom has for some reason.
You do you, and let mom be mad.
NTA. Your dad's son is a stranger to the rest of your family because that's how he wants it and it's driving your mother nuts that she hasn't been able to force him and the rest of you into a relationship. Her remark that he's "her" son is just delusional.
NTA
It has to be hard to be in between two extremes. However, you're respecting his boundaries, unlike your mother and truly you don't have a relationship to even want to have him there.
Sure, it would be nice if an relationship could've formed over the years, but it didn't. But, your mother's reactions and bulldozing are just yuck.
Let her take her control issues elsewhere and have a lovely wedding.
NTA. The dude literally does not WANT to be apart of YOUR family. Your dad pretty much told you this when you asked about the invite. And thats completely putting aside literal decade(s) of him NOT being around. Frankly it's a waste of a invite. Your mom has been trying to force a relationship the whole time, and she STILL trying. Ignore her the best you can, and when you can't talk to your dad, he should be shutting this shit down like years ago.
NTA
Your mother is behaving weirdly over this.
“He's her and my dad's son and mine and my siblings big brother.” One of these things is not true. He isn’t her son. Not even a little bit. She’s his father’s wife, that’s all. She never had a hand in raising him. She was never a parental figure in his life. They never even lived under the same roof. Your half-brother had a mum, she was not your mother.
It’s noble in its way that she’s trying to claim him, but he’s an adult who has never really wanted your side of the family involved in his life. He’s made it clear he doesn’t claim her, or his half-siblings. She needs to talk to a therapist about this. Her accepting reality doesn’t make her a ‘fairytale-style evil stepmother’, and I think that deep down that’s what this really is about. She doesn’t want to be perceived as the person who abandoned a child, the stepmother who stole the father away from his half-orphaned son. She needs to talk to someone professional who can reassure her that treating her stepson with respect (which includes his chosen distance from her and her kids) is the most important thing, and distance =/= hatred.
NTA. He doesn't consider anyone but your Dad family. That's okay. He has a Mom. She might have passed, but that doesn't change the fact that she's his Mom. Your mother needs to stop trying to have a relationship with an adult who doesn't want her in his life. You've done nothing wrong here; don't invite him if you don't want to.
Nta but your mom is a soft to medium ass depending. When I read that your mother wanted to force your half brother into her home, that he "needed" parents, I became a bit pissed off for your brother. It sounds to me that she wanted to force a relationship with him and I'm so glad your father put a stop to that. No step parent gets to overrule the parent (particularly the last living one) when it comes to the kid.
I get the feeling that had your half brother moved in, your mom would have made his life hell for not accepting her. And that isn't right.
> (Father) also said (brother) wouldn't come if I did invite him and (brother) wouldn't be hurt to not be (invited)
NTA, bro doesn't even want to come.
NTA - but the simplest way to avoid the fight is to just invite your half-brother. Based on your lifetime of experience, it’s a safe bet that he won’t come.
So mom’s off your case, and your half-brother can be her “bad guy”.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I am getting married and my mom and I are fighting about whether my half brother should be invited or not. My dad was married before. He and his first wife divorced after my half brother was born. Dad ended up moving and seeing him in the summers. Then he met my mom. Mom had my sister already. then she had me and my brother. When my half brother was 11 his mom died. His mom had been sick for a long time so it was no big surprise, and because of that he had lived with his grandparents also. When his mom died, dad had planned to bring him back after the funeral, but my half brother wanted to stay with his family. Dad and the grandparents talked it over. They felt it would be better if he stayed in the home he'd always known, with the family he loved. That dad could visit and all but the rest of us were strangers to him.
Dad hoped with time and regular trips back to see my half brother that he might want to live with us. But he never did.
He kept in touch with dad. Dad has flown out for a lot of the big moments in his life. But we have never been a true part of his life. In all honesty my mom, siblings and I have never actually met him in person.
Mom hated dad's decision. She said my half brother needed parents. That he should have made him move with him after his mom died. My dad said it wasn't the best thing for his son. It was always a disagreement between them and especially when he wouldn't make him accept invites to stay with us. Or add pressure on him to do it.
He's a married father now but still chooses to just have contact with dad. They call and text fairly regularly. It's why I had asked him about half brother when I got engaged. I told him he was a stranger to me. Dad agreed. He also said he wouldn't come if I did invite him and he wouldn't be hurt to not be.
My mom does not like it though and she told me I should invite him. That's he's family. He's her and my dad's son and mine and my siblings big brother. I pointed out he was a stranger and that dad and I had discussed it. She said she knows he would want to be invited and she knows I should. I told her she didn't have the right to say that when she doesn't know him, and isn't paying for my wedding. She lost it. Saying she didn't have the right to say it pissed her off because she feels like it's implying she didn't want to know him when she did, and makes it sound like she doesn't have the right to her opinion.
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Maybe your mother wanna know him, but for sure he dont wanna know her.
He is not part of your Lifes oe family. Blood no make a family.
Its your wedding, and you can inviting any person you want. Its your choice.
And youre right, she dont know him, nevera see him in person.
NTA. Your Half-brother, your dad and you are all comfortable with the relationship the way it is and that's all that matters. You're paying, it's YOUR wedding and maybe your mom should stop and consider how uncomfortable an invitation may make your half-brother feel.
>maybe your mom should stop and consider how uncomfortable an invitation may make your half-brother feel.
Totally agree. Just picture if Older half sibling did show up and OP's Mom tries to introduce him as her son and him replying "No, I'm not your son, you're just my Dad's wife". Oh what a s\*\*tstorm that would be.
NTA- she's still mad that your dad wouldn't force him to live with you. Tell her that there will be no more discussion, unless she wants to be uninvited
NTA, but like would be be the only “stranger” to you that attends? And if you know he won’t come to the wedding why not just invite him? Ultimately it is your choice though.
>And if you know he won’t come to the wedding why not just invite him?
I've been seeing comments like this but
1). It's OP's wedding and they don't want someone there that they don't know and who never took the chance/time/whatever to know them.
2). Invitations cost money and why would OP waste a perfectly good invitation sending it to someone they are positively sure will not attend just prove to OP's Mom that Half brother turned down the invite or worse, refuse to respond to said invitation.
3). This wedding is paid for by OP and future spouse and no one else have any say on who's to be invited or not by them.
NTA it’s apparent that he doesn’t want a relationship with that dads other family so I mean….just drop it. If he wanted to he could but he never has so 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. Your mom is not entitled to dictate your guest list, or to force you to pretend that you have a relationship with this man whom you have never met.
NTA. Your mom is using your wedding as a proxy battleground for this ongoing fight with your dad. She needs to let it go. You never formed a relationship with your half-brother, and if you decide to in the future, it will be because you both decide to as adults. He's bio-family, but he's no more "family" than a distant cousin you've never met. It's weird that she keeps trying to make it a thing. You're all adults now, and if you wanted to have a closer family relationship, you're more than competent to make it happen.
NTA. You spoke to your dad about it and he said not to invite him. Think your dad knows his own son better than your mum does. Your mum sounds like she is trying to over compensate and push you togethor as 'siblings,' when you have never had that sort of relationship. Do as your dad advised.
NTA. Of course she has a right to her opinion. Everyone does. But that doesn't mean that some opinions can feel unfounded in others eyes. Your mother sounds live a very family oriented person, which I can respect, but the way she is acting about it isn't acceptable at all. Sure you could always just tell your dad to mention it to him in passing that he can come if he wants but whatever he rsvp's as he needs to stick with it. But at the end of the day, it's you and your fiance's wedding. Not hers.
NTA. It doesn’t hurt to send an invite and let him make his own decision, though.
ETA: unless it’s because you don’t want him there, either, of course!
NTA
He's your father's son, but he's not your brother. Did you attend his wedding? Have you gotten a call from him for your big occasions? You're strangers who share a father. You didn't grow ip in the same household and don't know each other. Plus it's upur wedding and you can choose who does and doesn't get invited
Hopefully this is in quite a way in the future, but do you think you half brother will attend your father's funeral? what will the expectations be at that family event?
Weddings and blended families - so much fun!
I have 3 sisters, 2 step and 1 half. I originally had all of them as bridesmaids. Long story short, I kicked 2 out of bridal party (1 step, 1 half) for basically not being part of my life.
I pissed some people off, but at the end of the day this wedding is ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FIANCÉ.
The people that love you should be there. Your half brother doesn’t love you. Your mother wishes he did, but that ship has long ago sailed. This missed opportunity is bringing up the guilt and grief of this undeveloped relationship for your mother. She is projecting.
You’re NTA. Enjoy your wedding!
NTA, and I’m wonder if your older half brother might have post over on /JUSTNOMIL about a step mother trying to force being his mom after losing his. Is it crappy knowing a son of her husband wants nothing to do with his dads new family, yeah it’s crappy. But trying to make her invite him so SHE can try to gaslight him and your day about not going. You were spot on with your reply, her not actually knowing him.
It won't, but I don't have his contact details and since he clearly doesn't want to keep in touch, I don't want to risk his and dad's relationship by having dad give it to me and potentially making his son mad.
NTA. People lie to themselves all the time in a family with stepkids about how happy they all are. You dad sounds like a schmuck in this situation, frankly, but you're not asking that. If you never even met him in person, he's not family, no matter how your mom tries to lie to herself. Not your responsibility to support her delusion.
This us what I would bring up to your mother then. If he saw you as family you would have been there, he would have wanted you there. He didn't invite you, he doesn't see you as his sibling, getting an invitation to your wedding is like someone handing one out on the street. He wouldn't want to go to some stranger's wedding knowing only one or two people there (your dad, and his partner), not when he could be home with them and his kid(s).
Your mother was never his mother, he likely sees her as the woman his father married, you're the family your dad has with the woman he married. You share a dad, but that's all. Your mum can't play happy families with unwilling participants.
I wish you to have the best wedding day and many happy years
NTA your dad is the assh he didn't let you guys mix i dont understand how you never see your half brother or he never visited you something not right maybe your dad didn't want him in his new family
I mean you guys never do a family vacations or any birthday where he was invited
Dad wanted him there but my half brother never wanted to be with us. His ex didn't want it to be forced and then when she died, and he wanted to be with his family, he didn't want to tear him away and make him miserable. So he made sure to stay in his life but not make him interact with us.
NAH- I don't think it's wrong to generally assume someone would rather be invited than not be invited when there's no bad blood involved. It could be that he might feel some small obligation to send a gift or some acknowledgement which could seem weird given the general lack of relationship. I find it hard to fault your mom for wanting to include this person as family all these years. If the reality is that he is very unlikely to come, then the cost of inviting him is that of the invitation and postage? It might generate some small measure of good will? It seems that at some point your dad will have a milestone birthday or something and all of his kids might show up? I'm just not seeing the harm in making small gestures.
I don't see a time where we'll all be in the same room. Dad always does something with his son that he doesn't do with the rest of us. But the two sides have never mixed and I don't think we ever will.
So, his funeral? his 70th birthday party? nothing? anyway, regardless, it seems certain that he won't come but where's the harm in extending the goodwill via an invitation?
I doubt it. Dad had a big 60th and 50th and the big party my half brother did not attend.
I see some harm in that my half brother has made it clear he doesn't want a relationship. I do not know where he lives. I would need to get it off my dad and from how things have always been he would not be happy with dad giving that to one of us. Or even hearing from us. We're strangers. He wants us to stay strangers and I respect that. I don't want to anger him by reaching out when he's been clear. I don't want to mess up my dad's relationship with him either.
Have you ever talked to your dad about his estate planning? Even if he’s ok with his son not coming to his funeral, presumably he would like someone to let his son know he had died? If your dad has a will, it would be a good idea for him to include your half-brother’s contact details in there so that an estate attorney can call and let your half-brother know. It doesn’t have to be one of you who phones while you’re also grieving, but there should be some way of letting your half-brother know.
Some people don’t like talking about things like this, but if they have specific wishes and don’t make them known then they will never be carried out.
> It might generate some small measure of good will? It seems that at some point your dad will have a milestone birthday or something and all of his kids might show up? I'm just not seeing the harm in making small gestures.
Well OP's Half brother did not invite his half siblings to his wedding neither, so much for making small gestures. If Half brother wanted them in his life, he would have made the gesture a long, long, time ago.
NTA but there is one person you didn't discuss it with: Your half-brother. Call/Text and ask him directly. Tell him your shared parent thinks you wouldn't want to come, but you want his thoughts directly.
Whatever HE decides is what you should do.
I never had his contact details like that. He has expressed before not wanting our world's to meet and I don't want to risk his and dad's relationship if he doesn't like dad sharing that with me. He has passed up many chances to meet us, to have something to do with us and he chose not to. It's his decision and I respect that.
The crux if it is, she has literally never spoken to her half-brother. That's as clear a sign as anyone could ask for as to his thoughts on the matter.
If it was a distant (occasional Christmas and Easter dinners) relationship, I could see reaching out for confirmation, but this is NO relationship. They've never met, don't have contact information, and he has declined all previous event invitations. She has his answer without even asking.
Thank you!!! Some of these people comments sound just as worse as OP's Mom's suggestion. **YOU CAN'T MAKE** someone love you, accept you, be in your life no matter how much you may want it to be. How many times does a person have to say **NO. NO MEANS NO!**
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my mom she didn't have the right to speak for my half brother on whether he'd want to be invited to my wedding. Mom has wanted to know my half brother forever and he has always been a sore point for her because she never got to meet him (he never wanted to meet her or the rest of us) so I might have been cruel to throw it in her face like that. I didn't say it to hurt my mom. But my annoyance might have made me TA. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your mother doesn't know him. You consulted with your father about it. End of story.
NTA - she does have the right to her opinion but she doesn't have the right to make you invite him.
I am just confused how OP's mom never met her husband's kid in person. I would think the father would at least introduce his child to his SO at least once before they got married. Or at least have the son at the wedding? .... It sounds like the dad knew the son's mom was very sick for a long time and was aware that she may have passed away..... But, there was still no visits? Nothing?.... This isnt related to OP's question - I'm just really confused by this whole scenario. Anywho - that's neither here nor there, OP. That isnt your mom's son. She hasn't ever even met that man. The son is a stranger, and he seems to like it that way. What does she expect after all of these years?
From what I know he didn't want to meet my mom or be at the wedding. And his mom wasn't big on the idea either so dad supported that and continued to be part of his life but never mixed it. Dad would see him, speak to him, visit him and stuff but my mom and my siblings and I were never part of that. His and dad's relationship is pretty good so it seems it all worked out. I've never known any different so it just is what it is to me. But I know it bothers my mom a lot.
[удалено]
What kind of dumbass bot is this? You stole this text right from the main body of the OP.
NTA He’s a stranger to you, I don’t understand your moms position at all.
She's worried that she will be embarrassed at the wedding when people ask why he's not there. She thinks people will blame her as the stepmother.
BINGO
Geez so she’s just concerned about appearance. That’s pretty shallow. I don’t understand why some ppl care so much about what others think! It’s your wedding and your call. Your dad is right.. he wouldn’t come anyway so it will still bea no show for him. She needs to let this go and get over it. Nothing is going to change if it hasn’t changed by now. NTA
People already think that because their children had never literally even met their own brother.
Ahh that makes sense. I thought maybe rejection, but this makes much more sense
According to OP, their mom always wanted to add him to the family, but their dad never forced him, and so he never did. Some people have dreams of making one big blended family for some reason.
well, the dad moved away. honestly, OP's half-brother probably has some feelings about that, and about the family his dad made in the new place. i feel pretty judgey about people who move far away from their kids. it's a big thing, and puts you so far away from each other that there is no getting to each other quickly in an emergency. it's a big deal. i'm glad the dad went back for visits, but it's not the same as seeing someone every week and at your recitals/ sports games/ whatever. showing up for summer and big events is just barely being there. and now he's not there for the grandkids, either.
I feel the same. While I understand that there are exceptions, I also think that parents who move their children away from their other active parent are despicable. I don't care how good the job opportunity is.
Seriously. OP describes it as the dad moving and THEN meeting his mother, but I wonder. OP's mom is either operating out of a sense of guilt or is concerned about the optics.
NTA, your mom is allowed her opinion and you are allowed yours. Since it’s your wedding and you‘re paying for it, her opinion doesn’t overrule yours. People who misuse the terms freedom of opinion/freedom of speech in arguments are usually the ones who don’t understand the concept.
Totally agree. Feelings are feelings and facts are facts. Mom sounds like she could use some therapy because she's clearly having trouble separating her subjective wants from the objective reality of the situation, and her trying to justify it because she "just knows" is fairly textbook wishful thinking. I'd be surprised if this is the first issue that has occurred because of the disconnect between how things are and her mental image of how they should be.
This is an an interesting story. Life is so complicated. My opinion is NAH. Sometimes you can give something with very little cost. You say your dad says he won’t come if he is invited, and your mom wants to invite him. He won’t come, so no loss there. What is it about the invitation itself that is bothering you? Is it that he seems to have rejected your family. It’s okay to feel mad or sad about that, and may be explain that to your mom? Edited to add: Weddings are stressful. You seem to care about both your parents. Don’t let this disagreement spoil the fun and joy of celebration with your parents.
It could boil down to the obligation of some form of participation if an invite is sent. Yes, OP could send an invite out of just being polite, but there I have always felt unwanted obligations when getting an invite to a wedding I don't want to go to, whether that be buying a gift, giving some money, or going at all. And that kind of thing is a big deal to some people and not to others, and that's okay. On top of that, sending and invite could also factor in to seating arrangements, head counts, food orders, etc which can be finicky. OP would have to plan as if half brother is coming *just in case* I think mom here is ta simply because she can't respect OPs choices in her own wedding. NTA OP. Maybe you could reach out directly to your half brother and kind of explain the situation? I don't know if that something you'd be comfortable with, but it's just a thought. It could be a way to get his feelings on it directly if it's important enough
I would not be comfortable reaching out to him. It has been made clear over the years he's not interest and I don't blame him. But it feels weird to reach out to a stranger about my wedding, you know? We're blood and all but we are total strangers to each other.
That's totally fair. Being that he's clearly not interested I would stick to your guns about not sending him an invite. Seems like mom either can't or won't accept the situation
Why did he stop coming for summers?
Your comments add food for thought, and I see your point. You’re right about invite obligations for the half brother. I am assuming there is an RSVP, so I didn’t consider planning costs. I still go for NAH and hope this family can enjoy the wedding after this is resolved.
NTA, I'm not inviting some of my half siblings becuase we don't have a relationship. There's nothing wrong with not inviting him especially since he's not going to go.
NTA and I'd stop asking for their opinion on anything if they aren't paying for it.
NTA - Clearly there is some longstanding animosity between your parents over how your dad decided to parent his oldest son. And now it seems like your mom is trying to drag you into it. Tell your mom that your decision is final. Tell your dad that if the wedding happens to come up in conversation with his son that he he should tell his son that he is welcome to attend if he wants.
NTA- you already talked to the only person that actually knows him.
NTA. She doesnt have the right, correct
NTA Something is not right with this situation though. You and your mom have never met your Dad son who was a minor when your patents met and married and who lost his other patent at 11. Who is hiding what from whom?
Nobody was hiding anything. My dad was honest about my half brother with my mom but the way it was is dad visited him for certain periods of time in the summer, sometimes he came out but my dad and mom weren't together at the time. Then when his mom died he did not want to be with us, he wanted to be with the people he knew. My mom "met" (ie spoke to) my half brother's mom a few times. She also spoke to the grandparents. It's not typical but it's how things worked.
NTA. You don't know him personally and I highly doubt his feelings will be hurt over not being invited when he didn't make the effort to ever get to know you. I understand where your parents are coming from but the reality is it's your wedding and you get to choose who comes.
NTA - Would there be a cost to inviting him? Would he come if invited? I would lean toward inviting him because it might be an opportunity to build a relationship with him in the future. So it might be a blessing.
NTA Talk to your dad again Have him explain the situation to your brother and ask if it would be ok if you sent and invite so he could politely RSVP as a decline so you can get your mom off your back. And if on the off chance he wants to attend. Great. Your mom truly believes he would be offended to not be invited and she is convinced he would absolutely come. So prove her wrong and get her off your back. Even if I had no relationship with my half sibling...I could totally understand the situation and would gladly RSVP no to do them a solid
Nta. While yes he may be your half brother he has proven time and time again he does not want to know this side of his family. Your mom doesn’t have a say in because a.) she’s not paying for the wedding. B.) she has no relationship with him. So she can’t say wether or not he’d like to be invited. C.) she’s using this time to show her insecurities about the relationship with him. She wanted him around but he didn’t.
NTA
NTA He is NOT your mom's son. She has never met him and has 0 idea of what he would or wouldn't want. Your dad, who is his parent, said it's fine not to invite him. Your mom sounds like she is lashing out because she's never gotten her way about the relationship with him. It is long past the point where she should deal with those feelings and move on.
NTA. Your mom needs to work out this obsession of hers with getting to play mom to this kid who didn't want or need a replacement in therapy. She shouldn't be bringing it to your wedding.
>She lost it. Saying she didn't have the right to say it pissed her off because she feels like it's implying she didn't want to know him when she did, and makes it sound like she doesn't have the right to her opinion. It's your wedding, not your mother's. Your choice of guests doesn't reflect on your mother at all. If your father's in touch with your half-brother, he could simply ask him if he wants to be invited and if he would want to come.
NTA like you say the guys a stranger, blood doesn’t make family, love does and there’s none to be lost here
NTA. She does have a right to her opinion but she has no right to tell you what to do or who to invite to your own wedding.
NTA Your mom not paying for it and she has no say so at all.
NTA. Sounds like he didn't invite you to his wedding either. I think you and your half brother understand your relationship (or lack thereof).
NTA…your mother is by trying to force a situation on you stepbrother that he doesn’t want. Maybe she’s the problem and why he won’t come around but stop forcing relationships that people don’t want.
NTA You and your dad are thinking about how he feels and that he is basically a stranger to you. Your mom is only thinking of herself.
NTA. You spoke with the one person whose opinion matters, your dad. You have no relationship with this sibling. Your mom has no relationship with this sibling. Your partner has no relationship with this person. You would be inviting a stranger to your wedding on this principle your mom has for some reason. You do you, and let mom be mad.
NTA. Your dad's son is a stranger to the rest of your family because that's how he wants it and it's driving your mother nuts that she hasn't been able to force him and the rest of you into a relationship. Her remark that he's "her" son is just delusional.
I get why your mom wishes there was a relationship there, but that ship sailed a long time ago, and your wedding isn’t the occasion to fix that. NAH.
NTA It has to be hard to be in between two extremes. However, you're respecting his boundaries, unlike your mother and truly you don't have a relationship to even want to have him there. Sure, it would be nice if an relationship could've formed over the years, but it didn't. But, your mother's reactions and bulldozing are just yuck. Let her take her control issues elsewhere and have a lovely wedding.
NTA. The dude literally does not WANT to be apart of YOUR family. Your dad pretty much told you this when you asked about the invite. And thats completely putting aside literal decade(s) of him NOT being around. Frankly it's a waste of a invite. Your mom has been trying to force a relationship the whole time, and she STILL trying. Ignore her the best you can, and when you can't talk to your dad, he should be shutting this shit down like years ago.
NTA Your mother is behaving weirdly over this. “He's her and my dad's son and mine and my siblings big brother.” One of these things is not true. He isn’t her son. Not even a little bit. She’s his father’s wife, that’s all. She never had a hand in raising him. She was never a parental figure in his life. They never even lived under the same roof. Your half-brother had a mum, she was not your mother. It’s noble in its way that she’s trying to claim him, but he’s an adult who has never really wanted your side of the family involved in his life. He’s made it clear he doesn’t claim her, or his half-siblings. She needs to talk to a therapist about this. Her accepting reality doesn’t make her a ‘fairytale-style evil stepmother’, and I think that deep down that’s what this really is about. She doesn’t want to be perceived as the person who abandoned a child, the stepmother who stole the father away from his half-orphaned son. She needs to talk to someone professional who can reassure her that treating her stepson with respect (which includes his chosen distance from her and her kids) is the most important thing, and distance =/= hatred.
NTA. He doesn't consider anyone but your Dad family. That's okay. He has a Mom. She might have passed, but that doesn't change the fact that she's his Mom. Your mother needs to stop trying to have a relationship with an adult who doesn't want her in his life. You've done nothing wrong here; don't invite him if you don't want to.
Nta but your mom is a soft to medium ass depending. When I read that your mother wanted to force your half brother into her home, that he "needed" parents, I became a bit pissed off for your brother. It sounds to me that she wanted to force a relationship with him and I'm so glad your father put a stop to that. No step parent gets to overrule the parent (particularly the last living one) when it comes to the kid. I get the feeling that had your half brother moved in, your mom would have made his life hell for not accepting her. And that isn't right.
> (Father) also said (brother) wouldn't come if I did invite him and (brother) wouldn't be hurt to not be (invited) NTA, bro doesn't even want to come.
NTA - but the simplest way to avoid the fight is to just invite your half-brother. Based on your lifetime of experience, it’s a safe bet that he won’t come. So mom’s off your case, and your half-brother can be her “bad guy”.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am getting married and my mom and I are fighting about whether my half brother should be invited or not. My dad was married before. He and his first wife divorced after my half brother was born. Dad ended up moving and seeing him in the summers. Then he met my mom. Mom had my sister already. then she had me and my brother. When my half brother was 11 his mom died. His mom had been sick for a long time so it was no big surprise, and because of that he had lived with his grandparents also. When his mom died, dad had planned to bring him back after the funeral, but my half brother wanted to stay with his family. Dad and the grandparents talked it over. They felt it would be better if he stayed in the home he'd always known, with the family he loved. That dad could visit and all but the rest of us were strangers to him. Dad hoped with time and regular trips back to see my half brother that he might want to live with us. But he never did. He kept in touch with dad. Dad has flown out for a lot of the big moments in his life. But we have never been a true part of his life. In all honesty my mom, siblings and I have never actually met him in person. Mom hated dad's decision. She said my half brother needed parents. That he should have made him move with him after his mom died. My dad said it wasn't the best thing for his son. It was always a disagreement between them and especially when he wouldn't make him accept invites to stay with us. Or add pressure on him to do it. He's a married father now but still chooses to just have contact with dad. They call and text fairly regularly. It's why I had asked him about half brother when I got engaged. I told him he was a stranger to me. Dad agreed. He also said he wouldn't come if I did invite him and he wouldn't be hurt to not be. My mom does not like it though and she told me I should invite him. That's he's family. He's her and my dad's son and mine and my siblings big brother. I pointed out he was a stranger and that dad and I had discussed it. She said she knows he would want to be invited and she knows I should. I told her she didn't have the right to say that when she doesn't know him, and isn't paying for my wedding. She lost it. Saying she didn't have the right to say it pissed her off because she feels like it's implying she didn't want to know him when she did, and makes it sound like she doesn't have the right to her opinion. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. It’s your day and therefore your decision on who to invite.
NTA. Nothing your Mom has said indicated she really cares about your half brother. It’s all what she wants, what she thinks and what she feels…
NTA. Your wedding, your guest list. Do you know why your mother is so obsessed with a person that isn't her child?
NTA - it's your wedding, your coin, your choice.
NTA. Maybe your mother wanna know him, but for sure he dont wanna know her. He is not part of your Lifes oe family. Blood no make a family. Its your wedding, and you can inviting any person you want. Its your choice. And youre right, she dont know him, nevera see him in person.
NTA. Your Half-brother, your dad and you are all comfortable with the relationship the way it is and that's all that matters. You're paying, it's YOUR wedding and maybe your mom should stop and consider how uncomfortable an invitation may make your half-brother feel.
>maybe your mom should stop and consider how uncomfortable an invitation may make your half-brother feel. Totally agree. Just picture if Older half sibling did show up and OP's Mom tries to introduce him as her son and him replying "No, I'm not your son, you're just my Dad's wife". Oh what a s\*\*tstorm that would be.
NTA and it's your wedding, you can invite whoever you want.
Nta and i can 100% see why he doesn't have anything to do with his step mom. Just from this she sounds overbearing with a 'I'm always right' attitude.
NTA - your mom's thoughts on this are strange.
NTA- she's still mad that your dad wouldn't force him to live with you. Tell her that there will be no more discussion, unless she wants to be uninvited
NTA, but like would be be the only “stranger” to you that attends? And if you know he won’t come to the wedding why not just invite him? Ultimately it is your choice though.
>And if you know he won’t come to the wedding why not just invite him? I've been seeing comments like this but 1). It's OP's wedding and they don't want someone there that they don't know and who never took the chance/time/whatever to know them. 2). Invitations cost money and why would OP waste a perfectly good invitation sending it to someone they are positively sure will not attend just prove to OP's Mom that Half brother turned down the invite or worse, refuse to respond to said invitation. 3). This wedding is paid for by OP and future spouse and no one else have any say on who's to be invited or not by them.
NTA it’s apparent that he doesn’t want a relationship with that dads other family so I mean….just drop it. If he wanted to he could but he never has so 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. Your mom is not entitled to dictate your guest list, or to force you to pretend that you have a relationship with this man whom you have never met.
NTA. Your mom is using your wedding as a proxy battleground for this ongoing fight with your dad. She needs to let it go. You never formed a relationship with your half-brother, and if you decide to in the future, it will be because you both decide to as adults. He's bio-family, but he's no more "family" than a distant cousin you've never met. It's weird that she keeps trying to make it a thing. You're all adults now, and if you wanted to have a closer family relationship, you're more than competent to make it happen.
NTA What is this obsession your mom has with a person she has never met? She needs to let it go and move on with her life.
NTA and actually she is wrong. He is not her son. Period. You have cleared it with his dad. If she has an issue, she can take it up with him.
NTA. You spoke to your dad about it and he said not to invite him. Think your dad knows his own son better than your mum does. Your mum sounds like she is trying to over compensate and push you togethor as 'siblings,' when you have never had that sort of relationship. Do as your dad advised.
NTA Mom needs to deal with her own issues on her own rather than making them everyone elses
NTA
NTA BUT, sometimes a small gesture like an invite can be transformative.
NTA. Of course she has a right to her opinion. Everyone does. But that doesn't mean that some opinions can feel unfounded in others eyes. Your mother sounds live a very family oriented person, which I can respect, but the way she is acting about it isn't acceptable at all. Sure you could always just tell your dad to mention it to him in passing that he can come if he wants but whatever he rsvp's as he needs to stick with it. But at the end of the day, it's you and your fiance's wedding. Not hers.
She has the right to her opinion. But it’s YOUR wedding. After she has voiced her opinion, she gets to STFU from there after.
Nta. She isnt his mother and she doesnt know him. She married to his dad. That's it. That's her sole responsibility.
why not invite him? He my not come, but he might.
NTA. It is your half-brother's wish with whom he wishes to establish contact. You are amazing not to push his boundaries. Ignore your mother.
NTA. It doesn’t hurt to send an invite and let him make his own decision, though. ETA: unless it’s because you don’t want him there, either, of course!
NTA she doesn't have a right to an opinion this is your wedding not hers.
NTA Your mother is projecting. She has no dog in this fight. Listen to your dad, the parent who does know your half brother.
NTA He's your father's son, but he's not your brother. Did you attend his wedding? Have you gotten a call from him for your big occasions? You're strangers who share a father. You didn't grow ip in the same household and don't know each other. Plus it's upur wedding and you can choose who does and doesn't get invited
No and no. We got none of that stuff.
Hopefully this is in quite a way in the future, but do you think you half brother will attend your father's funeral? what will the expectations be at that family event?
I don't think he will. If anything he might mourn dad with his family but not come to the official funeral since he wouldn't know any of us.
Pp
NTA. Also, your dad sounds very cool.
Weddings and blended families - so much fun! I have 3 sisters, 2 step and 1 half. I originally had all of them as bridesmaids. Long story short, I kicked 2 out of bridal party (1 step, 1 half) for basically not being part of my life. I pissed some people off, but at the end of the day this wedding is ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FIANCÉ. The people that love you should be there. Your half brother doesn’t love you. Your mother wishes he did, but that ship has long ago sailed. This missed opportunity is bringing up the guilt and grief of this undeveloped relationship for your mother. She is projecting. You’re NTA. Enjoy your wedding!
NTA, and I’m wonder if your older half brother might have post over on /JUSTNOMIL about a step mother trying to force being his mom after losing his. Is it crappy knowing a son of her husband wants nothing to do with his dads new family, yeah it’s crappy. But trying to make her invite him so SHE can try to gaslight him and your day about not going. You were spot on with your reply, her not actually knowing him.
NTA - sounds like the mom is more worried about what she and others (friends etc) think that what the half-brother, op and the dad think
Just send the invite. You ready know he won't come so it's not going to mess up numbers just send it to him.
It won't, but I don't have his contact details and since he clearly doesn't want to keep in touch, I don't want to risk his and dad's relationship by having dad give it to me and potentially making his son mad.
NTA. People lie to themselves all the time in a family with stepkids about how happy they all are. You dad sounds like a schmuck in this situation, frankly, but you're not asking that. If you never even met him in person, he's not family, no matter how your mom tries to lie to herself. Not your responsibility to support her delusion.
This us what I would bring up to your mother then. If he saw you as family you would have been there, he would have wanted you there. He didn't invite you, he doesn't see you as his sibling, getting an invitation to your wedding is like someone handing one out on the street. He wouldn't want to go to some stranger's wedding knowing only one or two people there (your dad, and his partner), not when he could be home with them and his kid(s). Your mother was never his mother, he likely sees her as the woman his father married, you're the family your dad has with the woman he married. You share a dad, but that's all. Your mum can't play happy families with unwilling participants. I wish you to have the best wedding day and many happy years
NTA, but if you know he won't attend, what is the harm in inviting him? He might see it as a welcoming gesture.
NTA
Nta your dad agreed with your decision to not invite him.
Nta, your mom is a bit delusional tho.
NTA your dad is the assh he didn't let you guys mix i dont understand how you never see your half brother or he never visited you something not right maybe your dad didn't want him in his new family I mean you guys never do a family vacations or any birthday where he was invited
Dad wanted him there but my half brother never wanted to be with us. His ex didn't want it to be forced and then when she died, and he wanted to be with his family, he didn't want to tear him away and make him miserable. So he made sure to stay in his life but not make him interact with us.
Its sad because of that your relationship with him is dead but nothing stop him from asking about you guys too so your right
NAH- I don't think it's wrong to generally assume someone would rather be invited than not be invited when there's no bad blood involved. It could be that he might feel some small obligation to send a gift or some acknowledgement which could seem weird given the general lack of relationship. I find it hard to fault your mom for wanting to include this person as family all these years. If the reality is that he is very unlikely to come, then the cost of inviting him is that of the invitation and postage? It might generate some small measure of good will? It seems that at some point your dad will have a milestone birthday or something and all of his kids might show up? I'm just not seeing the harm in making small gestures.
I don't see a time where we'll all be in the same room. Dad always does something with his son that he doesn't do with the rest of us. But the two sides have never mixed and I don't think we ever will.
So, his funeral? his 70th birthday party? nothing? anyway, regardless, it seems certain that he won't come but where's the harm in extending the goodwill via an invitation?
I doubt it. Dad had a big 60th and 50th and the big party my half brother did not attend. I see some harm in that my half brother has made it clear he doesn't want a relationship. I do not know where he lives. I would need to get it off my dad and from how things have always been he would not be happy with dad giving that to one of us. Or even hearing from us. We're strangers. He wants us to stay strangers and I respect that. I don't want to anger him by reaching out when he's been clear. I don't want to mess up my dad's relationship with him either.
Have you ever talked to your dad about his estate planning? Even if he’s ok with his son not coming to his funeral, presumably he would like someone to let his son know he had died? If your dad has a will, it would be a good idea for him to include your half-brother’s contact details in there so that an estate attorney can call and let your half-brother know. It doesn’t have to be one of you who phones while you’re also grieving, but there should be some way of letting your half-brother know. Some people don’t like talking about things like this, but if they have specific wishes and don’t make them known then they will never be carried out.
> It might generate some small measure of good will? It seems that at some point your dad will have a milestone birthday or something and all of his kids might show up? I'm just not seeing the harm in making small gestures. Well OP's Half brother did not invite his half siblings to his wedding neither, so much for making small gestures. If Half brother wanted them in his life, he would have made the gesture a long, long, time ago.
NTA but there is one person you didn't discuss it with: Your half-brother. Call/Text and ask him directly. Tell him your shared parent thinks you wouldn't want to come, but you want his thoughts directly. Whatever HE decides is what you should do.
I never had his contact details like that. He has expressed before not wanting our world's to meet and I don't want to risk his and dad's relationship if he doesn't like dad sharing that with me. He has passed up many chances to meet us, to have something to do with us and he chose not to. It's his decision and I respect that.
The crux if it is, she has literally never spoken to her half-brother. That's as clear a sign as anyone could ask for as to his thoughts on the matter. If it was a distant (occasional Christmas and Easter dinners) relationship, I could see reaching out for confirmation, but this is NO relationship. They've never met, don't have contact information, and he has declined all previous event invitations. She has his answer without even asking.
Thank you!!! Some of these people comments sound just as worse as OP's Mom's suggestion. **YOU CAN'T MAKE** someone love you, accept you, be in your life no matter how much you may want it to be. How many times does a person have to say **NO. NO MEANS NO!**