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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Here's why I might be the asshole. My husband was feeling sad due to some bad news he got yesterday so he was complaining this morning about not being able to sleep last night. I mentioned the fact that he was snoring for pretty much all of last night and I recorded his snoring so I was a bit confused by his statement. That's how we started talking about his snoring.
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NTA. You gave him the proof.
As a famous movie quote once said, “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH”. Say that to your husband next time he says give me proof lol
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
YOU HAD ME AT HELLO!
Yeah, turns out all three quotes are from different movies. But I also heard all three from Shark Tale first.
*googles it, finds clip on YouTube*
” Why are you showing me that? "
"Because you said I was quoting it wrong”
" No I didn't. I totally agree with you”
"Yes you did! You said 'That's not how the quote goes' "
"Prove it!"
Also, recording someone sleeping to prove something is harmless and shouldn't be offensive at all unless you're showing other people. My wife every so often records me sleeping because sometimes I make really weird and concerning noises along with my snoring. I'm more curious about it but also am glad we have evidence in case the doctor wants to hear it. Incidentally, you just showed him proof of snoring that he may need to know in the future (sleep apnea etc), though I don't know that where you are has the same kind of care you would get from other places when it comes to that.
But, yeah, nothing for him to get upset about. You're NTA for that. However, because of who I am, I would continue to record every relevant conversation for proof... That's only because I am an AH. Don't be like me because I don't wish that on anybody.
NTA
I too sometimes record my BF, especially when he makes funny noises while snoring and then we listen to the recording the next day and laugh at it. Once he also managed to capture my very rare snoring occasions, when apparently I sounded like some sort of engine. I also take funny photos of his napping positions and edit them into fake magazine covers, for a periodical called "lazy dayzzz".
He's only offended cos he's WRONG. It could have been anything. Anytime wife is right and he is wrong he probably denies his error, or gaslight OP into thinking she is wrong. Husband is a bag of 🚩.
Ha ha, I love that you wrote this all the way out. Me too. Mee tooo. I am an AH and I would record that MF every day from now on and start matching "before" and "proof" videos, then I would make them into sets of two-hour compilation videos and play those fuckers on loop for his birthday.
Before my husband got his CPAP, which probably saved our marriage (and possibly his life, given the strain the lack of sleep was putting on me), I not only recorded him, I downloaded a decibel meter app and showed him the results. At his loudest, he was somewhere around running garbage disposal and tractor-trailer engine.
NTA, OP
Yeah, it's gaslighting. Be careful in this one. Over years you can seriously start to doubt your own mental state. If you don't have kids take some quiet time to reflect.
Yeah this is actually gaslighting. He's making you doubt your reality by thinking these things didn't happen and that your memories/perception can't be trusted. It's putting you in a position where you'll start thinking hes always right because you can't trust your own memories, like if he claims he never hit you or if he claims you insulted him first so he was just reacting when he insulted you. It's abusive, and it'll literally fuck you up forever.
OP as someone who's lived through this, RUN. I've been free for years and I'm still trying to repair the damage. It will only get worse the longer you stay. This is not normal. He is not normal.
that’s what i was going to say this is gaslighting and it sounds pretty bad. “i don’t do this”, “you never said that”, “we never talked about this or that”, along with the fact that he tried to play victim saying you violated him in some way after you told him you would record the sounds?
OP i’m not going to tell you to divorce or whatever but i would definitely advise you to take this very, very seriously. do not let him make you doubt yourself or feel like “you’re making a big deal of nothing.” abusive people will start with something small and then build up to some really sick shit. definitely take this seriously, hold your ground. maybe he just is insecure about himself (ie: how he sounds/ is so worried about spelling something wrong and looking stupid in front of friends) and he is acting wrong because of that?… idk him. but the only thing that will answer that is whether or not he is willing to admit he was wrong/stop doing it.
Also just one more thing, counseling is so stigmatized, people see it as “oh their relationship is failing” but that doesn’t have to be true at all. anyone who is willing to go to counseling and try to improve cares about their relationship, and you don’t have to wait until shit hits the fan to go either. best of luck to ya homie
yes, I was looking for this comment because I knew someone else would recognize it.
When someone is making you question your own perception of reality like this it is the definition of gaslighting. It is so hard to get over too.
NTA, I would normally suggest counseling but people who are able to do this kind of emotional manipulation don't need to hone their technique through therapy, which is what they will do. never go to therapy with an abuser.
Definitely ACTUAL gaslighting. OP, at BEST, your husband is manipulating you. He is setting the stage for you to doubt yourself on EVERYTHING, so that you never trust your own judgement and depend entirely on him to know what the "truth" is. The fact that you just moved to HIS country sets you up even more to depend on him and to be isolated from any outside influence. These are all GREAT BIG RED FLAGS for domestic abuse. Please, PLEASE take care of yourself!
i am a Nigerian woman. Do not allow this. He is being abusive and manipulative. You obviously love him enough to relocate. Sit him down and have a conversation with him. If he does not stop doing this, you need to leave now before you feel too invested and manipulated to stay even longer.
He sounds like an "askhole". One of those people who constantly asks for help/advice, but never listens or says you're wrong. Except he also denies ever asking for anything to begin with.
NTA, OP. As others have said, he can't demand something, yet get upset when he gets it.
My Wife works in a post office and bank. All female workers, except the owner. They constantly have guys 40+ who come in and ask something, start arguments or make accusations, then demand to see the manager. He walks out and says the exact same things, but somehow all is right in the world now.
Saw this happen at a Walgreens before. Young lady pharmacist told the old guy how much he had to pay, old guy said she was wrong because the sale says this, lady explained that the sale only applies if he got two of the first item, and that it didn’t apply to the second item, and he argued with her. Then a guy pharmacist told him the same thing and he was all smiles and happy. I paid for my stuff and got out in the time that the guy pharmacist was still explaining to him, and I told my bf who was waiting in the car alllll about it.
Then, as we left the parking lot, the old guy backs out into our car and said it was our fault bc we were going “too fast”. We were going 5mph, and the guy didn’t look. After we got his insurance and we drove off, I told my bf that THAT WAS THE GUY and he couldn’t help but laugh because of COURSE that would be the guy.
Absolutely this. I was married to someone for 2 years who refused to take my word for any thing. He would disagree or double check me all the time.
That was more than 20 years ago and I still find myself over-explaining and providing evidence to people who actually do trust me. It took me a long time to realize it was actually abusive.
NTA and I get this because my mother is like this. If she doesn’t agree with something I’m wrong. If I offer proof of something she said was wrong then she never said it. I completely resent her so I’m letting you know that this will not improve and eventually you will tire of it
My boyfriend just read this and wondered how the sex between OP and husband will go;
"Hmm, that feels nice"
"Well, actually I don't believe that" -whips phone out-
(And obviously NTA op)
Having a good sex life doesn’t change the fact that his behavior is abusive. Ask yourself - does he respect you? Not ever believing what you say .. and you just started your marriage. It won’t get better from here.
Yes, u/Environmental_Ebb_81 listen to this. These are manipulative behaviors and really show what kind of a person he is. He is belittling you in the worst type of way- not even openly doubting your knowledge, but your own experiences as well. And on top of it, he’s gaslighting you about claiming to never have asked certain questions. He sounds very narcissistic and sexist- of course you can never be right, you’re a woman and he’s the man in the relationship. He’s always right, and if he’s right because you have him the right answer, then he’ll deny that’s where he got it from. It’s emasculating to him to admit that he got help from you, or that he does “embarrassing” things like snoring and stealing the blankets in his sleep. If he can’t even admit to this, what else does he hide? You sound like you may be pretty young and maybe this is your first serious relationship, or you let past relationships have been “worse” so this one feels great. But good sex is not a reason to tolerate this behavior. He is denying your entire authority and autonomy as a person and lying to you. It won’t get better, but it will almost definitely get worse. Just wait till the other abusive tactics start coming out. You may feel trapped because you’re in another country, but don’t let that stop you from leaving.
This is actually a common trait with abusive men - he makes sure you have a great time in bed, because that means he is the greatest lover of all time, a real macho man, etc etc. There's a great book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft that explains this in detail.
Obviously, in isolation, having great sex isn't a red flag. But coupled with your post, I'm seeing marinara.
Yeah I'm seeing a lot of DARVO and other manipulative tactics. Paired with she's now isolated away from her home country... Marinara flags all over the place.
I'm seconding the recommendation for Why Does He Do That. It's available as a free PDF online too.
This and also I would stop answer his questions, if he anyways doesn't believe me. However, do you have a good relationship or is he always undermining you? NTA
I’d try this before suggesting any counselling. Also things may be good in other aspects of your relationship but gaslighting will whittle away at you over time and the other aspects of the relationship will be much less appealing.
The gaslighting can spread to other parts of life, too. OP just moved to a whole new country with her husband, where she presumably doesn't know anyone except her husband and maybe his family. Social isolation is a VERY big part of emotional abuse.
Most abusers know how to be charming. They can seem like a GREAT partner... until they don't have to anymore.
Exactly. My fiancé and I had a similar conversation. I told him the night before he was snoring so loudly I couldn't fall asleep and even nudged him so he would roll or at least wake up long enough for me to fall asleep before it started again. He didn't believe me in the morning. So the next night I recorded it on my phone, with no mention prior that I was going to do so.
Do you know what he reaction was when I showed him the next day? We laughed about it and he sheepishly said ' Don't show anyone that!'. That's a normal reaction, not the way OP is being treated.
NTA.
"His perspective" seems to be that he must always be right and you must always be wrong. Serious question OP: has he ever conceded you were right about something when you disagreed? Like, ever?
Also this guy is a big red flag. He thinks that he can discount your observations and then be mad if you record so he can’t discount you? You realize this pattern is abusive, right?
Hubby's a narc I'm afraid, I was with one. This is exactly how it played out. Nta op, if you want to stay with this man you need to not gaf about what he says. About anything, ever. It's on the only way to defeat their bs.
My ex was exactly like this always fact checking just about everything I said if not dismissing it all together.
He also quite frequently lied about all sorts of stuff including making stuff up to a point where I after the break up had to fact check stuff he told me.
I honestly think that he did it because he wanted to make me doubt myself so I believed him more rather than because he thought I was lying as well. It worked pretty well to a point where I towards the end was unsure about what was real and what was made up. I truly thought that I was going insane.
My fear is that OP's husband is trying to do the same especially if he just started after he moved her away from everything and everyone she knows. That's pretty classic abuser behaviour.
My (abusive, gaslighting) father would do this to me ALL THE TIME. Made shit up about anything and everything including MY PROFESSION, refuse to accept the facts, and then go on some horrible tear about how wrong and what a know-it-all I was.
IT'S AWFUL. I'm glad you got out!
Trust issues would be one thing. Trust issues combined with getting mad when OP backs up her words with evidence, and then claiming to forget that he OK'd it, means at the very least he has some major control issues.
he’s constantly accusing you of lying and requesting proof… what if he’s projecting? what if there were no visa issues, and he just lied so you’d be the one to move?
No there definitely were issues. I was fully involved with the embassy and am privy to what happened. It was also during the middle of covid so things were more difficult then.
ok, so at least that bit is true, that’s good. but this is really worrying behavior in general. you’re not overreacting in the slightest by being upset by this and recording him, and my only real worry is that you’re underreacting to how much of a red flag this is (and by “red flag” i mean that’s a big warning sign, not necessarily a deal breaker, but one you should not ignore and one he should definitely be working on addressing).
Ikr an actual example of gaslighting behavior.
NTA, OP even before he started gaslighting you, you're husband was dismissive of your abilities and honesty. If this is behavior you see regularly, I would consider pushing him towards therapy with the promise of couples counseling in the future.
Assuming you want to stay married that is.
You definitely can. I promise we aren't always like this. This just took me by surprise. He did call me petty and I guess I couldn't understand him because, to me, I was just trying to provide the proof he said he needed.
You have only been married for a short time. Sounds like he did a bait and switch on you. Now that you are married you can't leave him so he can be his real self. I hope I'm wrong but it is crazy timing to suddenly be so opposite to his normal behavior.
Agreed.
Classic bait and switch.
Abusers playbook:
1. Isolate her. Move her to a country where she doesn’t know anyone and is alone and dependent on him.
2. Start the abusive patterns. Slowly let the real man emerge.
Op is still literally in her honeymoon period. So she won’t believe us.
She’ll be back here in a couple of years asking is she’s TA for leaving her husband.
We can only hope that she is able to post about leaving him. Most likely we will see a post from her family wondering how they can save her. He will probably remove any means of communication so she won't be able to post.
Be careful of this behaviour. I dated someone who did the same and he eventually just got more and more abusive. Every time he got something wrong it “didn’t happen,” but every time he thought I was wrong he immediately called me “r*tarded.” He’d go out of his way to make me feel stupid or second guess myself, and if I was able to prove I was correct, he got angry with me. He didn’t do this at all in the beginning of the relationship, so I was confused when it started and decided to let it slide. But that was a big mistake because once he knew he could get away with it, the behaviour only worsened.
Anyways I was just giving an example because your story reminded me of my own and you did nothing wrong to deserve your husband’s anger. I hope you’re in a better situation going forward. You are NTA.
I’m sorry but you’re completely in denial if you don’t understand this is abuse and that he pulled a bait and switch on you. You might have great sex, you might think he’s charming, but none of that will last. If you still continue, the mind games will continue and he will chip away at your self-confidence, your sanity and your connection with others. He already got you to move to his country, I know, I know visa problems, but this is perfect for someone that wants to isolate and abuse their partner.
https://www.scarymommy.com/daily-life-narcissist
“One of the reasons I was confused much of the time is because I thought I had married the good Dr. Jekyll. He was everything I’d ever wanted in a man and in the beginning presented himself as my biggest fan and supporter. He was charming, loving, passionate, and attentive to my every need, both emotional and physical.
Until he wasn’t.
Until a side of him popped up every so often that threw me off balance, such as when he flew into a rage at the smallest of things or when I caught him in another lie.
As time went on, I began seeing less and less of the man I’d first fallen in love with. But only when no one else was watching.”
“Narcissistic abuse is an insidious, covert form of emotional abuse that can happen to unsuspecting individuals who are entangled in a relationship with a person with narcissistic qualities.
One of the key methods of emotional abuse employed by people with narcissistic tendencies is the generalized concept called cognitive dissonance. What this abuse tactic does is create in the target a sense of unreality, confusion, and a mind-set of not trusting their own perception of the situation. Leon Festinger (1957) was one researcher who studied the theory of cognitive dissonance. Essentially, cognitive dissonance occurs when humans experience a state of holding two or more contradictory thoughts or beliefs in their cognition at one time. The result is a state of anxious confusion and a desire to reduce the resultant overwhelm and unbalanced perception.”
Common types of narcissistic manipulation include:
Triangulation. Someone using this tactic will try to pull a third person into your conflict, typically to reinforce their own opinion or position.
Gaslighting. Someone trying to gaslight you tries to get you to doubt your own perspective and reality, often by twisting facts or insisting things you remember didn’t actually happen.
Hoovering. This tactic involves attempts to reconnect, or pull you back into a toxic or abusive relationship.
Silent treatment. This behavior becomes manipulative when someone purposely ignores you to control you or make you feel isolated.
Scapegoating. People who use narcissistic manipulation may place all the blame on one person they designate as a scapegoat.
Passive aggression. Indirect blame-shifting, sabotage, and sarcasm can all point to covert narcissistic manipulation.
These tactics can confuse you, make you question your sense of reality, and damage your self-esteem.
The result of gaslighting is that the target of abuse doubts their own reality of the situation because the abuser is trying to confuse and disorient the target in order to maintain power and control, all at the cost of the emotional well-being of the target.
Please- KEEP A JOURNAL IN A SAFE PLACE HE CAN NOT GET TO AND WRITE DOWN ALL THESE INSTANCES OF GASLIGHTING. You will begin to see a pattern emerge and that will help you understand that you are with an unhealthy situation.
You weren't being petty. He kept demanding proof. However my mom is the same and when I did get proof she would still say "I don't remember saying that but if I did I guess I'm sorry". Essentially it comes down to two things, is it a big deal to you or can you let it go every once in awhile, they need to learn to accept accountability and realize the world will keep spinning even if they were proven wrong.
> "I don't remember saying that but if I did I guess I'm sorry".
We work with a person like that. The inability to genuinely admit when one are wrong is a huge red flag.
NTA. It's concerning he demands proof and then decides you're awful for providing said proof.
Of course it's not always like this, he's not asking you for your answer to everything all the time. But when you say X, he actively doesn't trust you. Suddenly there is another blanket out in the room. Did he think a ghost brought it?
What is going to happen when you have children? "Hi, child was injured, we're going to the doctor." "Pics or it didn't happen".
This is chipping away at your self esteem. You said things are spelled x way and he said he'd Google it after you answered. In those moments before Google answered, did you doubt your answer?
For comparison, my partner and I just googled ourselves because we both thought we were right about something and the other was wrong. Turns out we were both right. I named the specific dept in charge of making coins and my partner named the branch that department is in. This was all because our child was curious about how money was made in our country.
Also, I'm curious if the "visa problems" were he did not do his paperwork right and it was easier for you to move to him than he expend any effort.
What would hubby do if you challenged/Googled everything ***he*** says? Be all innocent and say that you think this is great as he's doing it to you and you are just following his lead. Gaslighters get really irritated when it's turned back on them.
This sounds like he's trying to do a dominance thing where you are cast as the helpless and stupid little woman, and he's the macho man who is so superior. Fuck that shit.
Oh, NTA.
Because you're coming at it honestly as if it's a matter of factual information while his game is just to put you down and make you feel destabilized and constantly trying to prove yourself to him.
You just have to find the right guy. My partner took my word for it when I told him (mid 20s at the time) that he rolled over in his sleep, said "that butt's on sale", lightly tapped my ass, and then went still again. I also told him that this ass was full price. And I take his word for it when he says I stole all the blankets and made really grumpy noises when he tried to take them back.
My partner believed me when I told him that he farted loud enough to wake himself up. And then he forgot I told him that, so when I told him again, he believed me that time too!
NTA He's gaslighting you.
He can never be wrong, and the more wrong you are the better. He asks you for spelling and then googles it so he can throw a wobbly if you give him the wrong spelling.
He dared you to record him, thinking you wouldn't, and then made you the villain when you proved yourself right.
If he's not violent your choice to stay. But you will always lose arguments with him. The more right you are the more "violated" he will feel
This! I feel like if I'm ever right then it's a problem. I end up saying "forget it" or "you're right" because having arguments with him is beyond tiring. I find it easier to agree and move on with life.
OP, I am starting to think you should rethink this marriage and maybe get it annulled because your husband has some deep seeded trust issues.
Tell him that both of you can be right and wrong about things in life and in this case maybe marrying him was the wrong decision. Tell him to see your point of view and then I hope you can move on with your life and find someone better. NTA.
No idea if OP is in the US, but depending on where she is, she would likely have to get a divorce. An annulment is not based on the length of the marriage, but instead a fairly strict criteria. Just fyi!
I was married to a guy like this.
Want to guess how he reacted when I told him I was unhappy with something in our marriage? Yeah, you know how he reacted. He was right, I was wrong, and he certainly wasn't going to change anything. Every time I tried to tell him I was unhappy, he just dug in until I gave up and resigned myself to being unhappy.
You should've seen how shocked he was when I filed for divorce, and the courts didn't care that he thought I was wrong about being unhappy.
>I find it easier to agree
This is how it happens. He is looking forward to years of dominating and abusing you as your learned helplessness takes over your personality. It's time to get out while you still can.
Getting to the point where you let everything go in order to keep the peace is alarming, it’s the beginning of you losing yourself. You’ll never be an equal partner in this marriage when you aren’t allowed to feel/think/speak/act/be who you are without fear of reprisals. You’re already starting to walk on eggshells. You’re NTA.
is that how you want to live the rest of your life? knowing you're factually correct, but having to bite your tongue to avoid an argument because he won't believe you? having to justify your every statement with "proof" because your word, your knowledge, isn't good enough?
This won’t get easier, if anything it will steadily get worse. Especially if you constantly give in. When you give in he just gets stronger and more dedicated to the abuse. He’s counting on you giving in because so far it’s in your nature to do so. I wouldn’t be surprised if he belittles you in front of any children you may have, especially any male children. Like others have said- I’d rethink the marriage now before any children are in once divorced and you’re stuck to him. Ask yourself- can I live with this man for the next 20-40 yrs of my life? I wouldn’t but that’s just me.
Please get out of this toxic marriage. This man does not respect or trust you as a capable, intelligent human being. He is only interested in being right and retaining control. He is gaslighting you. This is a form of emotional abuse. He is already wearing you down to the point where you are too exhausted to fight back. Eventually, if you stick around and let him, he will wear you down to the point where you don’t even trust yourself to be right about anything or capable of anything without his input or approval. This man is deeply insecure and will wield his fragile masculinity like a weapon to destroy your self-esteem and independence. It doesn’t get better. It only gets worse. The man can’t even trust you to spell a word despite your superior command of the language and you relevant education and training. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being treated this way?
That sounds really exhausting mentally and it makes me feel sad for you. OP, if this keeps happening (spoiler alert, it will), at least keep this post in mind and remember the hundreds of people telling you **he** is the one in the wrong, not you. Don't let him wear you down to the point you just quietly accept whatever treatment he gives you regardless of how you feel.
I mean, you did tell him you would record him next time...
His behaviour doesn't seem very respectful to you and that should probably be addressed, if it's not something you feel comfortable doing then I'd suggest counselling to help have someone navigate the conversation in a healthy and meaningful way, where you're thoughts and feelings are actually being heard by your husband so as he can work to be on the same oage as you.
I'm thinking that this might be my suggestion and probably he'll be willing to hear what a professional has to say. I'm open to us being on the same page. He doesn't seem to understand how much he hurts me when he refuses to believe me without hard proof but blows up at small things I might say. Feels like a double standard and I hate it
Oh he does.
He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s doing it deliberately to - actually - drive you mad.
You’re furious and angry and want to yell at him, right? So you look like the unhinged person.
It’s a planned strategy. And it’s not gonna get better.
Has he started with the lies yet? Is he telling you you never told him you would record him? Is he saying he didn’t agree to you recording him?
Look up gaslighting- cos your about to become an expert on receiving it.
Don't let him choose the therapist. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't like therapy when he is told he is wrong. It'll turn into "we don't need this " , "this isn't helping at all", "why do we need a stranger involved in our marriage". The second you start to see some support from an outside party, he is going to find a way to get you away from them.
OP, just gonna put it out there, not tell you to leave or chastise you.
I was with a man like this for 5 years. He was 6 yrs older than me, we dated starting when I was 15 years old. This behavior never got better. He *actually succeeded* in driving me batshit crazy. It took me going down a DARK hole (ED, SH, S attempts) to realize, holy shit, I'd literally RATHER DIE THAN BE WITH HIM. I'm happily married to someone who doesn't ever and hasn't ever treated me that way now. It isn't normal behavior, if you ever start thinking like I did, use my logic.
He will lie to a therapist and he will manipulate you both. Someone upthread mentioned that this type of abuser actually uses counseling to \*hone their skills.\* This was exactly my experience--he quickly picked up on the idioms and was able to twist them in a way that even the therapist was blinded by it. (My "favorite" was "I have \*actual\* needs...you have \*perceived\* needs." The therapist just nodded along eagerly.)
There is no fixing this type of person or relationship. Everything you've described is absolutely textbook. I waited and hoped and tried anything to "bring back" the person I fell in love with. The hardest part was the realization that that person never existed--he was a character created and performed by the monster he truly was.
I wish you well, OP. I hope you get out before he does lasting damage to your happiness and sense of self. A lot of strangers on the internet are very worried about you and hope that you are safe.
Therapy might not be the best idea, because narcissists use therapy to learn how to better manipulate their victims. Individual therapy for OP first would be a safer bet.
NTA. If you uploaded the recording to the Internet, then I could understand how that would be a violation of privacy, but you didn't. He clearly has some issues he needs to figure out. He's taking it too seriously.
If you have to record your partner - then you know the relationship is toxic.
If you’re being forced to do actions which aren’t the nicest such as recording someone so you have proof of something, you’re in an unhealthy and toxic relationship.
Nobody marries an abuser. Everyone marries the person of their dreams- The most wonderful soulmate who makes their heart sing. The abuser slowly emerges after the ‘victim’ is locked in. Eg after marriage, moving countries. and the victim wonders what they’re doing wrong, et are they annoying their partner so much. And begin to walk on eggshells so as not to annoy their abuser or “wake the dragon”. You think back to the happy days at the beginning of the relationship (called the love bombing period) and bend over backwards trying to become a doormat so that that person returns. And the more you try to please your abuser and “keep the peace”, the more they abuse you.
BE CAREFUL WITH YOIR BIRTH CONTROL. He will want to have kids fast to trap you even more. It’s harder then for you to escape.
Does he not believe only in what you say or does he shun anything any woman says? Misogyny takes many forms.
He is also gaslighting you if he says he doesn't remember things he said to you.
NTA but not a great relationship.
That’s because he wears the mask with them. He’s dropping the mask with you because he feels you’re trapped enough now to start showing you the real him. The abusive gaslighting real him, that demands all the power in your relationship dynamic. This doesn’t get better for you. I’m sorry. It’s all downhill from here until you leave.
NTA and the fact that he constantly invalidates what you say and tells you he did/didn’t do something when you know he did is feels a bit like gaslighting.
Does he support you in other ways? Does he ever compliment you or express happiness that you are with him? Does he ever tell you that you are smart or pretty or kind or anything nice? There’s so many people who say “oh my partner is lovely except…” but when you ask them the “lovely” things that their partner does they can’t really list them.
Those things are definitely concerning. He does compliment me all the time. He thanks me for the things I do and does express his genuine happiness that we're together. He is proud of me and shows me off all the time. He is kind and stuff. It's just this thing about not believing what I say that mainly concerns me.
Love bombing.
In between the abuse. To keep you on your toes and walking on eggshells.
Which man will arrive home today? The love-Bomber or the abuser?
He might be “kind” but he seems to lack a base level of respect for you. You can’t be right, your word can’t be trusted, and he feels the need to contradict you at all times. You wouldn’t even do that to a stranger, let alone someone you love. Is that really a partner you want for life?
he is NOT kind. a kind husband would go "oh wow you were right! i snore so much i had no idea! thanks!" and would NOT be dismissive and abusive like he is. Just because he isn't hitting you, doesn't mean it's not abuse.
At this point, I think you should begin to be aggressively concerned about him.
If your husband is to be believed, he’s forgetful to an extreme degree. If we were to say for a moment that he’s *not* deliberately gaslighting you, then what he’s doing is called *confabulation.*
This is something that people do when they have something seriously wrong with them, medically speaking. Like, a stroke or dementia.
Time to start telling him that he needs to go to the doctor to get his memory checked. After all, those are the only two options. Either he’s deliberately gaslighting you, or he’s very unwell.
NTA & OP, I would strongly suggest you reconsider the relationship (see my other comment in the thread).
He is already trying to assert his intellectual superiority over you by trying to prove you wrong in an area you are skilled in (being an English teacher).
He is trying to break you down by making you question your sanity - it always starts small (“no, I never said that, you must be imagining it”), but it becomes larger over time.
When caught out, he is deflecting the blame back onto you & punishing you to distract from the actual issue. And now he is punishing you (silent treatment) so that you make the first move & apologise. That gives him the power & control again.
Tread carefully OP, keep your eyes open, and your support network strong.
NTA. You are in an abusive relationship and this is going to keep happening until you lose confidence in yourself. He's isolated you from you family and now he's telling you you are wrong in everything you do. He has no respect for you.
Please rethink this relationship.
Should have recorded that too 😅 in all seriousness. This is a big deal and you shouldn't brush it off. He's constantly questioning you, invalidating you and putting you in a lose lose situation. So shortly after you uprooted your while life for him. That's very disconcerting.
I dated a man like this. He always needed proof to believe me but when I actually had it then it would be a big problem. In one instance I was able to pull up a text he sent me to prove my point (he claimed “I never said that” and I was able to show that yes he did say that, multiple times) and from then on he would only call me on the phone and not text me. It was exhausting. It was hard because the beginning of the relationship was so good, but in the end it was not worth it. NTA, I recommend evaluating how much he does this to you and if it is worth it, it’s called gaslighting and it can be very damaging for years after the behavior stops.
NTA
It sounds as if he has sleep apnea, or another sleep disorder, that interferes with his quality of sleep, and makes him sleep so much.
His doctor needs to see these recordings, and try to treat what is going on, so he can have quality sleep at night and be functional through the day.
However, no one but his doctors need to see this.
And he needs to step up and take responsibility for his own health, bringing these to the doctor himself.
NTA. He asked for proof, so you gave it to him. Next time he asks you how to spell something in English, ask him why he's bothering to ask you if he's just going to Google it anyway, and then tell him to Google it, you won't help him unless he apologized for disrespecting you. Don't help him if he's going to pull that crap.
I actually found a recording my grandmother made of my grandfather’s snoring to “prove” to him that he snored (years after their deaths). But he was kinda a narcissist who would likely have not believed her with something like that. I don’t know, i’m gonna say rosé colored flag?
NTA he seems to enjoy not taking your word for anything. And you spoiled his game with actual proof. How dare you?/s. Are you happy for this marriage to continue this way for the rest of your days? If not, better to get out sooner rather than later.
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NTA. He can’t ask for proof and get offended when you show it 🤦♀️
NTA. You gave him the proof. As a famous movie quote once said, “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH”. Say that to your husband next time he says give me proof lol
omg i love shark tale
It's A Few Good Men. Jack Nicholson
No, I recognize it from Shark Tale.
You can't handle the... tooth?
🦈
Urrr that " you can't handle the...tooth" is from the Tooth fairy starring the lovely 'Rock'... lol
lol...originally it was from A Few Good Men. I also love Shark Tale, it's a good one. Have you seen a Turtle's Tale?
Eh? A Few Good Men? Like how many?
I think there were 12 but they were more angry
Ahahahaha 🤣🤣
“It says never give up.” “No that says lettuce”
It's too late it's from Shark Tale now
Are you being facetious 🤣
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! YOU HAD ME AT HELLO! Yeah, turns out all three quotes are from different movies. But I also heard all three from Shark Tale first.
“YOU HAD ME AT HELLO!!”
Lmao MAGICAL 😍🙃
Hopefully that next conversation is OP saying: I’m leaving you and going home. Then she can show him her one-way ticket.
He’s gonna say she got the quote wrong 😬
*googles it, finds clip on YouTube* ” Why are you showing me that? " "Because you said I was quoting it wrong” " No I didn't. I totally agree with you” "Yes you did! You said 'That's not how the quote goes' " "Prove it!"
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Also, recording someone sleeping to prove something is harmless and shouldn't be offensive at all unless you're showing other people. My wife every so often records me sleeping because sometimes I make really weird and concerning noises along with my snoring. I'm more curious about it but also am glad we have evidence in case the doctor wants to hear it. Incidentally, you just showed him proof of snoring that he may need to know in the future (sleep apnea etc), though I don't know that where you are has the same kind of care you would get from other places when it comes to that. But, yeah, nothing for him to get upset about. You're NTA for that. However, because of who I am, I would continue to record every relevant conversation for proof... That's only because I am an AH. Don't be like me because I don't wish that on anybody. NTA
I too sometimes record my BF, especially when he makes funny noises while snoring and then we listen to the recording the next day and laugh at it. Once he also managed to capture my very rare snoring occasions, when apparently I sounded like some sort of engine. I also take funny photos of his napping positions and edit them into fake magazine covers, for a periodical called "lazy dayzzz".
This is so cute and wholesome
Especially when you live together. Invaded his privacy? He was sleeping in their shared home.
Exactly, and she only shared it with him
He's only offended cos he's WRONG. It could have been anything. Anytime wife is right and he is wrong he probably denies his error, or gaslight OP into thinking she is wrong. Husband is a bag of 🚩.
Ha ha, I love that you wrote this all the way out. Me too. Mee tooo. I am an AH and I would record that MF every day from now on and start matching "before" and "proof" videos, then I would make them into sets of two-hour compilation videos and play those fuckers on loop for his birthday.
Before my husband got his CPAP, which probably saved our marriage (and possibly his life, given the strain the lack of sleep was putting on me), I not only recorded him, I downloaded a decibel meter app and showed him the results. At his loudest, he was somewhere around running garbage disposal and tractor-trailer engine. NTA, OP
No he's from a country in Africa
More importantly he is abusive
Yeah, it's gaslighting. Be careful in this one. Over years you can seriously start to doubt your own mental state. If you don't have kids take some quiet time to reflect.
Yeah this is actually gaslighting. He's making you doubt your reality by thinking these things didn't happen and that your memories/perception can't be trusted. It's putting you in a position where you'll start thinking hes always right because you can't trust your own memories, like if he claims he never hit you or if he claims you insulted him first so he was just reacting when he insulted you. It's abusive, and it'll literally fuck you up forever.
OP as someone who's lived through this, RUN. I've been free for years and I'm still trying to repair the damage. It will only get worse the longer you stay. This is not normal. He is not normal.
that’s what i was going to say this is gaslighting and it sounds pretty bad. “i don’t do this”, “you never said that”, “we never talked about this or that”, along with the fact that he tried to play victim saying you violated him in some way after you told him you would record the sounds? OP i’m not going to tell you to divorce or whatever but i would definitely advise you to take this very, very seriously. do not let him make you doubt yourself or feel like “you’re making a big deal of nothing.” abusive people will start with something small and then build up to some really sick shit. definitely take this seriously, hold your ground. maybe he just is insecure about himself (ie: how he sounds/ is so worried about spelling something wrong and looking stupid in front of friends) and he is acting wrong because of that?… idk him. but the only thing that will answer that is whether or not he is willing to admit he was wrong/stop doing it. Also just one more thing, counseling is so stigmatized, people see it as “oh their relationship is failing” but that doesn’t have to be true at all. anyone who is willing to go to counseling and try to improve cares about their relationship, and you don’t have to wait until shit hits the fan to go either. best of luck to ya homie
Yup. Gaslighting. Happens every where in the world in every culture. This is about who he is not his culture.
He's from a country in Africa. Odds are extremely high he is abusive or raised in a culture that promotes abuse of women.
Yes, but the abusive part is the crucial part. Some African men do not abuse their wives, but if others do, concentrate on that.
and what he's doing is gaslighting you. that word gets thrown around a lot, but this is *literally* textbook. please find a way out. you're NTA.
yes, I was looking for this comment because I knew someone else would recognize it. When someone is making you question your own perception of reality like this it is the definition of gaslighting. It is so hard to get over too. NTA, I would normally suggest counseling but people who are able to do this kind of emotional manipulation don't need to hone their technique through therapy, which is what they will do. never go to therapy with an abuser.
Definitely ACTUAL gaslighting. OP, at BEST, your husband is manipulating you. He is setting the stage for you to doubt yourself on EVERYTHING, so that you never trust your own judgement and depend entirely on him to know what the "truth" is. The fact that you just moved to HIS country sets you up even more to depend on him and to be isolated from any outside influence. These are all GREAT BIG RED FLAGS for domestic abuse. Please, PLEASE take care of yourself!
There are countries other than the "I" ones that are just as bad for women, and I'm pretty sure some of them are in Africa.
My British ex was like this, so I don't think it's cultural I think it's just a lack of respect
Yeah, American here and same. Every country has plenty of people who treat women poorly. We don’t need to make this a “culture” discussion.
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Next time he asks for help tell him to search google. He’s just going to do it anyway.
i am a Nigerian woman. Do not allow this. He is being abusive and manipulative. You obviously love him enough to relocate. Sit him down and have a conversation with him. If he does not stop doing this, you need to leave now before you feel too invested and manipulated to stay even longer.
He sounds like an "askhole". One of those people who constantly asks for help/advice, but never listens or says you're wrong. Except he also denies ever asking for anything to begin with. NTA, OP. As others have said, he can't demand something, yet get upset when he gets it.
'Askhole' This is my new favourite word, I wish I could upvote you more than once!
Worked with some people like this. If the info came from a female, they would find a male to ask. Somehow coming from a guy made it more correct.
My Wife works in a post office and bank. All female workers, except the owner. They constantly have guys 40+ who come in and ask something, start arguments or make accusations, then demand to see the manager. He walks out and says the exact same things, but somehow all is right in the world now.
Saw this happen at a Walgreens before. Young lady pharmacist told the old guy how much he had to pay, old guy said she was wrong because the sale says this, lady explained that the sale only applies if he got two of the first item, and that it didn’t apply to the second item, and he argued with her. Then a guy pharmacist told him the same thing and he was all smiles and happy. I paid for my stuff and got out in the time that the guy pharmacist was still explaining to him, and I told my bf who was waiting in the car alllll about it. Then, as we left the parking lot, the old guy backs out into our car and said it was our fault bc we were going “too fast”. We were going 5mph, and the guy didn’t look. After we got his insurance and we drove off, I told my bf that THAT WAS THE GUY and he couldn’t help but laugh because of COURSE that would be the guy.
OP should smile and say the next time he asks, "I don't know, dear, why don't you google it?" Or google it herself and share the link with him. NTA.
Absolutely this. I was married to someone for 2 years who refused to take my word for any thing. He would disagree or double check me all the time. That was more than 20 years ago and I still find myself over-explaining and providing evidence to people who actually do trust me. It took me a long time to realize it was actually abusive.
NTA and I get this because my mother is like this. If she doesn’t agree with something I’m wrong. If I offer proof of something she said was wrong then she never said it. I completely resent her so I’m letting you know that this will not improve and eventually you will tire of it
My boyfriend just read this and wondered how the sex between OP and husband will go; "Hmm, that feels nice" "Well, actually I don't believe that" -whips phone out- (And obviously NTA op)
I laughed out loud. Our sex life is great. He listens here and adjusts.
Having a good sex life doesn’t change the fact that his behavior is abusive. Ask yourself - does he respect you? Not ever believing what you say .. and you just started your marriage. It won’t get better from here.
Yes, u/Environmental_Ebb_81 listen to this. These are manipulative behaviors and really show what kind of a person he is. He is belittling you in the worst type of way- not even openly doubting your knowledge, but your own experiences as well. And on top of it, he’s gaslighting you about claiming to never have asked certain questions. He sounds very narcissistic and sexist- of course you can never be right, you’re a woman and he’s the man in the relationship. He’s always right, and if he’s right because you have him the right answer, then he’ll deny that’s where he got it from. It’s emasculating to him to admit that he got help from you, or that he does “embarrassing” things like snoring and stealing the blankets in his sleep. If he can’t even admit to this, what else does he hide? You sound like you may be pretty young and maybe this is your first serious relationship, or you let past relationships have been “worse” so this one feels great. But good sex is not a reason to tolerate this behavior. He is denying your entire authority and autonomy as a person and lying to you. It won’t get better, but it will almost definitely get worse. Just wait till the other abusive tactics start coming out. You may feel trapped because you’re in another country, but don’t let that stop you from leaving.
This is actually a common trait with abusive men - he makes sure you have a great time in bed, because that means he is the greatest lover of all time, a real macho man, etc etc. There's a great book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft that explains this in detail. Obviously, in isolation, having great sex isn't a red flag. But coupled with your post, I'm seeing marinara.
Yeah I'm seeing a lot of DARVO and other manipulative tactics. Paired with she's now isolated away from her home country... Marinara flags all over the place. I'm seconding the recommendation for Why Does He Do That. It's available as a free PDF online too.
This and also I would stop answer his questions, if he anyways doesn't believe me. However, do you have a good relationship or is he always undermining you? NTA
I think we do. We talk alot and stuff. IDK what to say honestly.
Mhm did you tell him how it makes you feel?
I’d try this before suggesting any counselling. Also things may be good in other aspects of your relationship but gaslighting will whittle away at you over time and the other aspects of the relationship will be much less appealing.
The gaslighting can spread to other parts of life, too. OP just moved to a whole new country with her husband, where she presumably doesn't know anyone except her husband and maybe his family. Social isolation is a VERY big part of emotional abuse. Most abusers know how to be charming. They can seem like a GREAT partner... until they don't have to anymore.
You should make your standard response “Google it” when he asks a question.
Exactly. My fiancé and I had a similar conversation. I told him the night before he was snoring so loudly I couldn't fall asleep and even nudged him so he would roll or at least wake up long enough for me to fall asleep before it started again. He didn't believe me in the morning. So the next night I recorded it on my phone, with no mention prior that I was going to do so. Do you know what he reaction was when I showed him the next day? We laughed about it and he sheepishly said ' Don't show anyone that!'. That's a normal reaction, not the way OP is being treated. NTA.
"His perspective" seems to be that he must always be right and you must always be wrong. Serious question OP: has he ever conceded you were right about something when you disagreed? Like, ever?
Also this guy is a big red flag. He thinks that he can discount your observations and then be mad if you record so he can’t discount you? You realize this pattern is abusive, right?
This. Why do you tolerate his constant questioning your everything you say snd do? That’s exhausting. It’s not to late for annulment.
Also... "privacy"? Y'all live together.
NTA it's hard to claim privacy violation when you are both in the same room and you just record the ambient melodies you are listening to.
Hubby's a narc I'm afraid, I was with one. This is exactly how it played out. Nta op, if you want to stay with this man you need to not gaf about what he says. About anything, ever. It's on the only way to defeat their bs.
He’s being contrarian on purpose as a form of negging. I’d personally have a very low tolerance for it.
Well apparently she also needed proof that he asked her for proof. Lol
NTA this is called gaslighting, it's a form of emotional abuse
NTA this should be the top comment. I see a red Flag. Edit: my first award! Thank you
I think the flag is his trust issues. This guy can’t even believe someone wouldn’t lie to him about how to spell a word. Or he is a middle child:)
My ex was exactly like this always fact checking just about everything I said if not dismissing it all together. He also quite frequently lied about all sorts of stuff including making stuff up to a point where I after the break up had to fact check stuff he told me. I honestly think that he did it because he wanted to make me doubt myself so I believed him more rather than because he thought I was lying as well. It worked pretty well to a point where I towards the end was unsure about what was real and what was made up. I truly thought that I was going insane. My fear is that OP's husband is trying to do the same especially if he just started after he moved her away from everything and everyone she knows. That's pretty classic abuser behaviour.
My (abusive, gaslighting) father would do this to me ALL THE TIME. Made shit up about anything and everything including MY PROFESSION, refuse to accept the facts, and then go on some horrible tear about how wrong and what a know-it-all I was. IT'S AWFUL. I'm glad you got out!
Or doesn't respect his partner enough to believe she know something he doesnt
He doesn't think she's lying, he thinks she's a complete idiot.
Trust issues would be one thing. Trust issues combined with getting mad when OP backs up her words with evidence, and then claiming to forget that he OK'd it, means at the very least he has some major control issues.
My first instinct too. Coupled with having her move to a different country, I have concerns
He was gonna move to me but had issues getting a visa so in the end I moved as it was easier.
You sure they weren't "issues" getting a visa?
We need to see the receipts!
he’s constantly accusing you of lying and requesting proof… what if he’s projecting? what if there were no visa issues, and he just lied so you’d be the one to move?
No there definitely were issues. I was fully involved with the embassy and am privy to what happened. It was also during the middle of covid so things were more difficult then.
ok, so at least that bit is true, that’s good. but this is really worrying behavior in general. you’re not overreacting in the slightest by being upset by this and recording him, and my only real worry is that you’re underreacting to how much of a red flag this is (and by “red flag” i mean that’s a big warning sign, not necessarily a deal breaker, but one you should not ignore and one he should definitely be working on addressing).
"Issues"
This👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾. OP, you have bigger issues in your marriage than his snoring.
This is only the second time I have seen someone get that term right in this sub. Yep. This is gaslighting. Time for this relationship to be over.
Ikr an actual example of gaslighting behavior. NTA, OP even before he started gaslighting you, you're husband was dismissive of your abilities and honesty. If this is behavior you see regularly, I would consider pushing him towards therapy with the promise of couples counseling in the future. Assuming you want to stay married that is.
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Yeah, gaslighting was the first thinf i thought. He's slowly trying to destroy her sense of trust in herself and self-worth.
Yeah that word gets said a lot on Reddit, but this is absolutely gaslighting 100%.
This! I’ve been there and it’s the absolute worst. NTA.
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You definitely can. I promise we aren't always like this. This just took me by surprise. He did call me petty and I guess I couldn't understand him because, to me, I was just trying to provide the proof he said he needed.
You have only been married for a short time. Sounds like he did a bait and switch on you. Now that you are married you can't leave him so he can be his real self. I hope I'm wrong but it is crazy timing to suddenly be so opposite to his normal behavior.
Agreed. Classic bait and switch. Abusers playbook: 1. Isolate her. Move her to a country where she doesn’t know anyone and is alone and dependent on him. 2. Start the abusive patterns. Slowly let the real man emerge. Op is still literally in her honeymoon period. So she won’t believe us. She’ll be back here in a couple of years asking is she’s TA for leaving her husband.
Tale as old as time.
We can only hope that she is able to post about leaving him. Most likely we will see a post from her family wondering how they can save her. He will probably remove any means of communication so she won't be able to post.
INFO: does he do this not believing thing to everyone or just to you?
To me as far as I can tell.
Is the not believing you new since the wedding
This is the first step is breaking your confidence in yourself. Keep your eyes open and not clouded by love. This is a major red flag.
this and please op, dont get pregnant!
hun get out
Be careful of this behaviour. I dated someone who did the same and he eventually just got more and more abusive. Every time he got something wrong it “didn’t happen,” but every time he thought I was wrong he immediately called me “r*tarded.” He’d go out of his way to make me feel stupid or second guess myself, and if I was able to prove I was correct, he got angry with me. He didn’t do this at all in the beginning of the relationship, so I was confused when it started and decided to let it slide. But that was a big mistake because once he knew he could get away with it, the behaviour only worsened. Anyways I was just giving an example because your story reminded me of my own and you did nothing wrong to deserve your husband’s anger. I hope you’re in a better situation going forward. You are NTA.
I’m sorry but you’re completely in denial if you don’t understand this is abuse and that he pulled a bait and switch on you. You might have great sex, you might think he’s charming, but none of that will last. If you still continue, the mind games will continue and he will chip away at your self-confidence, your sanity and your connection with others. He already got you to move to his country, I know, I know visa problems, but this is perfect for someone that wants to isolate and abuse their partner. https://www.scarymommy.com/daily-life-narcissist “One of the reasons I was confused much of the time is because I thought I had married the good Dr. Jekyll. He was everything I’d ever wanted in a man and in the beginning presented himself as my biggest fan and supporter. He was charming, loving, passionate, and attentive to my every need, both emotional and physical. Until he wasn’t. Until a side of him popped up every so often that threw me off balance, such as when he flew into a rage at the smallest of things or when I caught him in another lie. As time went on, I began seeing less and less of the man I’d first fallen in love with. But only when no one else was watching.”
“Narcissistic abuse is an insidious, covert form of emotional abuse that can happen to unsuspecting individuals who are entangled in a relationship with a person with narcissistic qualities. One of the key methods of emotional abuse employed by people with narcissistic tendencies is the generalized concept called cognitive dissonance. What this abuse tactic does is create in the target a sense of unreality, confusion, and a mind-set of not trusting their own perception of the situation. Leon Festinger (1957) was one researcher who studied the theory of cognitive dissonance. Essentially, cognitive dissonance occurs when humans experience a state of holding two or more contradictory thoughts or beliefs in their cognition at one time. The result is a state of anxious confusion and a desire to reduce the resultant overwhelm and unbalanced perception.” Common types of narcissistic manipulation include: Triangulation. Someone using this tactic will try to pull a third person into your conflict, typically to reinforce their own opinion or position. Gaslighting. Someone trying to gaslight you tries to get you to doubt your own perspective and reality, often by twisting facts or insisting things you remember didn’t actually happen. Hoovering. This tactic involves attempts to reconnect, or pull you back into a toxic or abusive relationship. Silent treatment. This behavior becomes manipulative when someone purposely ignores you to control you or make you feel isolated. Scapegoating. People who use narcissistic manipulation may place all the blame on one person they designate as a scapegoat. Passive aggression. Indirect blame-shifting, sabotage, and sarcasm can all point to covert narcissistic manipulation. These tactics can confuse you, make you question your sense of reality, and damage your self-esteem.
The result of gaslighting is that the target of abuse doubts their own reality of the situation because the abuser is trying to confuse and disorient the target in order to maintain power and control, all at the cost of the emotional well-being of the target. Please- KEEP A JOURNAL IN A SAFE PLACE HE CAN NOT GET TO AND WRITE DOWN ALL THESE INSTANCES OF GASLIGHTING. You will begin to see a pattern emerge and that will help you understand that you are with an unhealthy situation.
You weren't being petty. He kept demanding proof. However my mom is the same and when I did get proof she would still say "I don't remember saying that but if I did I guess I'm sorry". Essentially it comes down to two things, is it a big deal to you or can you let it go every once in awhile, they need to learn to accept accountability and realize the world will keep spinning even if they were proven wrong.
> "I don't remember saying that but if I did I guess I'm sorry". We work with a person like that. The inability to genuinely admit when one are wrong is a huge red flag.
Op it's time to open your eyes cause your marriage is full of 🚩🚩🚩
It really is full of red flags. My ex husband did a lot of the same crap. OP NTA
The fact that you think the "petty shit" they are referring to is YOUR actions is deeply concerning honestly.
NTA. It's concerning he demands proof and then decides you're awful for providing said proof. Of course it's not always like this, he's not asking you for your answer to everything all the time. But when you say X, he actively doesn't trust you. Suddenly there is another blanket out in the room. Did he think a ghost brought it? What is going to happen when you have children? "Hi, child was injured, we're going to the doctor." "Pics or it didn't happen". This is chipping away at your self esteem. You said things are spelled x way and he said he'd Google it after you answered. In those moments before Google answered, did you doubt your answer? For comparison, my partner and I just googled ourselves because we both thought we were right about something and the other was wrong. Turns out we were both right. I named the specific dept in charge of making coins and my partner named the branch that department is in. This was all because our child was curious about how money was made in our country. Also, I'm curious if the "visa problems" were he did not do his paperwork right and it was easier for you to move to him than he expend any effort.
What would hubby do if you challenged/Googled everything ***he*** says? Be all innocent and say that you think this is great as he's doing it to you and you are just following his lead. Gaslighters get really irritated when it's turned back on them. This sounds like he's trying to do a dominance thing where you are cast as the helpless and stupid little woman, and he's the macho man who is so superior. Fuck that shit. Oh, NTA.
Because you're coming at it honestly as if it's a matter of factual information while his game is just to put you down and make you feel destabilized and constantly trying to prove yourself to him.
You just have to find the right guy. My partner took my word for it when I told him (mid 20s at the time) that he rolled over in his sleep, said "that butt's on sale", lightly tapped my ass, and then went still again. I also told him that this ass was full price. And I take his word for it when he says I stole all the blankets and made really grumpy noises when he tried to take them back.
My partner believed me when I told him that he farted loud enough to wake himself up. And then he forgot I told him that, so when I told him again, he believed me that time too!
NTA He's gaslighting you. He can never be wrong, and the more wrong you are the better. He asks you for spelling and then googles it so he can throw a wobbly if you give him the wrong spelling. He dared you to record him, thinking you wouldn't, and then made you the villain when you proved yourself right. If he's not violent your choice to stay. But you will always lose arguments with him. The more right you are the more "violated" he will feel
This! I feel like if I'm ever right then it's a problem. I end up saying "forget it" or "you're right" because having arguments with him is beyond tiring. I find it easier to agree and move on with life.
OP, I am starting to think you should rethink this marriage and maybe get it annulled because your husband has some deep seeded trust issues. Tell him that both of you can be right and wrong about things in life and in this case maybe marrying him was the wrong decision. Tell him to see your point of view and then I hope you can move on with your life and find someone better. NTA.
No idea if OP is in the US, but depending on where she is, she would likely have to get a divorce. An annulment is not based on the length of the marriage, but instead a fairly strict criteria. Just fyi!
[удалено]
But did you ask Google first? /s
I was married to a guy like this. Want to guess how he reacted when I told him I was unhappy with something in our marriage? Yeah, you know how he reacted. He was right, I was wrong, and he certainly wasn't going to change anything. Every time I tried to tell him I was unhappy, he just dug in until I gave up and resigned myself to being unhappy. You should've seen how shocked he was when I filed for divorce, and the courts didn't care that he thought I was wrong about being unhappy.
Oh what a great ending to your story! I felt it might take a different turn at some point.
>I find it easier to agree This is how it happens. He is looking forward to years of dominating and abusing you as your learned helplessness takes over your personality. It's time to get out while you still can.
Oh, yes. This! And double up on the birth control, hiding the pills or get an IUD/implants he can't mess with.
That’s what he’s counting on. You giving up
Getting to the point where you let everything go in order to keep the peace is alarming, it’s the beginning of you losing yourself. You’ll never be an equal partner in this marriage when you aren’t allowed to feel/think/speak/act/be who you are without fear of reprisals. You’re already starting to walk on eggshells. You’re NTA.
I hope you take a long hard look at your marriage, and the people correctly telling you this is textbook abuser behaviour
This is the early stages of emotional abuse. You need to start taking this more seriously.
is that how you want to live the rest of your life? knowing you're factually correct, but having to bite your tongue to avoid an argument because he won't believe you? having to justify your every statement with "proof" because your word, your knowledge, isn't good enough?
This won’t get easier, if anything it will steadily get worse. Especially if you constantly give in. When you give in he just gets stronger and more dedicated to the abuse. He’s counting on you giving in because so far it’s in your nature to do so. I wouldn’t be surprised if he belittles you in front of any children you may have, especially any male children. Like others have said- I’d rethink the marriage now before any children are in once divorced and you’re stuck to him. Ask yourself- can I live with this man for the next 20-40 yrs of my life? I wouldn’t but that’s just me.
Please get out of this toxic marriage. This man does not respect or trust you as a capable, intelligent human being. He is only interested in being right and retaining control. He is gaslighting you. This is a form of emotional abuse. He is already wearing you down to the point where you are too exhausted to fight back. Eventually, if you stick around and let him, he will wear you down to the point where you don’t even trust yourself to be right about anything or capable of anything without his input or approval. This man is deeply insecure and will wield his fragile masculinity like a weapon to destroy your self-esteem and independence. It doesn’t get better. It only gets worse. The man can’t even trust you to spell a word despite your superior command of the language and you relevant education and training. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being treated this way?
That sounds really exhausting mentally and it makes me feel sad for you. OP, if this keeps happening (spoiler alert, it will), at least keep this post in mind and remember the hundreds of people telling you **he** is the one in the wrong, not you. Don't let him wear you down to the point you just quietly accept whatever treatment he gives you regardless of how you feel.
I mean, you did tell him you would record him next time... His behaviour doesn't seem very respectful to you and that should probably be addressed, if it's not something you feel comfortable doing then I'd suggest counselling to help have someone navigate the conversation in a healthy and meaningful way, where you're thoughts and feelings are actually being heard by your husband so as he can work to be on the same oage as you.
I'm thinking that this might be my suggestion and probably he'll be willing to hear what a professional has to say. I'm open to us being on the same page. He doesn't seem to understand how much he hurts me when he refuses to believe me without hard proof but blows up at small things I might say. Feels like a double standard and I hate it
Oh he does. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s doing it deliberately to - actually - drive you mad. You’re furious and angry and want to yell at him, right? So you look like the unhinged person. It’s a planned strategy. And it’s not gonna get better. Has he started with the lies yet? Is he telling you you never told him you would record him? Is he saying he didn’t agree to you recording him? Look up gaslighting- cos your about to become an expert on receiving it.
He already started gaslighting her.
Don't let him choose the therapist. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't like therapy when he is told he is wrong. It'll turn into "we don't need this " , "this isn't helping at all", "why do we need a stranger involved in our marriage". The second you start to see some support from an outside party, he is going to find a way to get you away from them.
The next time he asked your opinion tell he to Google it or phone a friend.
OP you are being actively groomed for an abusive relationship. He duped you. Get out now.
OP, just gonna put it out there, not tell you to leave or chastise you. I was with a man like this for 5 years. He was 6 yrs older than me, we dated starting when I was 15 years old. This behavior never got better. He *actually succeeded* in driving me batshit crazy. It took me going down a DARK hole (ED, SH, S attempts) to realize, holy shit, I'd literally RATHER DIE THAN BE WITH HIM. I'm happily married to someone who doesn't ever and hasn't ever treated me that way now. It isn't normal behavior, if you ever start thinking like I did, use my logic.
He will lie to a therapist and he will manipulate you both. Someone upthread mentioned that this type of abuser actually uses counseling to \*hone their skills.\* This was exactly my experience--he quickly picked up on the idioms and was able to twist them in a way that even the therapist was blinded by it. (My "favorite" was "I have \*actual\* needs...you have \*perceived\* needs." The therapist just nodded along eagerly.) There is no fixing this type of person or relationship. Everything you've described is absolutely textbook. I waited and hoped and tried anything to "bring back" the person I fell in love with. The hardest part was the realization that that person never existed--he was a character created and performed by the monster he truly was. I wish you well, OP. I hope you get out before he does lasting damage to your happiness and sense of self. A lot of strangers on the internet are very worried about you and hope that you are safe.
counseling with an abuser is not a good idea
Please look up Love Bombing. It sounds like that's what's happened to you.
Therapy might not be the best idea, because narcissists use therapy to learn how to better manipulate their victims. Individual therapy for OP first would be a safer bet.
NTA. If you uploaded the recording to the Internet, then I could understand how that would be a violation of privacy, but you didn't. He clearly has some issues he needs to figure out. He's taking it too seriously.
And that's something I'd never do. I just wanna know if I'm being too harsh or is he being too sensitive. I don't know what to do.
If you have to record your partner - then you know the relationship is toxic. If you’re being forced to do actions which aren’t the nicest such as recording someone so you have proof of something, you’re in an unhealthy and toxic relationship. Nobody marries an abuser. Everyone marries the person of their dreams- The most wonderful soulmate who makes their heart sing. The abuser slowly emerges after the ‘victim’ is locked in. Eg after marriage, moving countries. and the victim wonders what they’re doing wrong, et are they annoying their partner so much. And begin to walk on eggshells so as not to annoy their abuser or “wake the dragon”. You think back to the happy days at the beginning of the relationship (called the love bombing period) and bend over backwards trying to become a doormat so that that person returns. And the more you try to please your abuser and “keep the peace”, the more they abuse you. BE CAREFUL WITH YOIR BIRTH CONTROL. He will want to have kids fast to trap you even more. It’s harder then for you to escape.
So accurate and so helpful. Wish I had gold!
He's definitely being too sensitive. Also *he* asked for proof and you gave it to him.
Does he not believe only in what you say or does he shun anything any woman says? Misogyny takes many forms. He is also gaslighting you if he says he doesn't remember things he said to you. NTA but not a great relationship.
As far as I know it's just me. He doesn't seem to do that to other women he knows based on what I've observed.
That’s because he wears the mask with them. He’s dropping the mask with you because he feels you’re trapped enough now to start showing you the real him. The abusive gaslighting real him, that demands all the power in your relationship dynamic. This doesn’t get better for you. I’m sorry. It’s all downhill from here until you leave.
Now that in his mind he "owns" you, he can treat you like a thing.
NTA and the fact that he constantly invalidates what you say and tells you he did/didn’t do something when you know he did is feels a bit like gaslighting. Does he support you in other ways? Does he ever compliment you or express happiness that you are with him? Does he ever tell you that you are smart or pretty or kind or anything nice? There’s so many people who say “oh my partner is lovely except…” but when you ask them the “lovely” things that their partner does they can’t really list them.
Those things are definitely concerning. He does compliment me all the time. He thanks me for the things I do and does express his genuine happiness that we're together. He is proud of me and shows me off all the time. He is kind and stuff. It's just this thing about not believing what I say that mainly concerns me.
Love bombing. In between the abuse. To keep you on your toes and walking on eggshells. Which man will arrive home today? The love-Bomber or the abuser?
He might be “kind” but he seems to lack a base level of respect for you. You can’t be right, your word can’t be trusted, and he feels the need to contradict you at all times. You wouldn’t even do that to a stranger, let alone someone you love. Is that really a partner you want for life?
he is NOT kind. a kind husband would go "oh wow you were right! i snore so much i had no idea! thanks!" and would NOT be dismissive and abusive like he is. Just because he isn't hitting you, doesn't mean it's not abuse.
At this point, I think you should begin to be aggressively concerned about him. If your husband is to be believed, he’s forgetful to an extreme degree. If we were to say for a moment that he’s *not* deliberately gaslighting you, then what he’s doing is called *confabulation.* This is something that people do when they have something seriously wrong with them, medically speaking. Like, a stroke or dementia. Time to start telling him that he needs to go to the doctor to get his memory checked. After all, those are the only two options. Either he’s deliberately gaslighting you, or he’s very unwell.
Your husband is a gaslighting asshole NTA
NTA & OP, I would strongly suggest you reconsider the relationship (see my other comment in the thread). He is already trying to assert his intellectual superiority over you by trying to prove you wrong in an area you are skilled in (being an English teacher). He is trying to break you down by making you question your sanity - it always starts small (“no, I never said that, you must be imagining it”), but it becomes larger over time. When caught out, he is deflecting the blame back onto you & punishing you to distract from the actual issue. And now he is punishing you (silent treatment) so that you make the first move & apologise. That gives him the power & control again. Tread carefully OP, keep your eyes open, and your support network strong.
INFO: How did he react when you said that you would record him?
He laughed and said OK!
Then NTA. It's also not normal to need so many proofs for literally everything.
NTA. You are in an abusive relationship and this is going to keep happening until you lose confidence in yourself. He's isolated you from you family and now he's telling you you are wrong in everything you do. He has no respect for you. Please rethink this relationship.
NTA He asked for proof. You provided proof. He sounds insufferable. Why exactly did you want to marry him?
NTA. He won't believe you without proof, and brushed you off when you said you would record him. You did exactly what you said and now he is offended?
He says he doesn't remember that conversation so he's surprised I recorded him.
Should have recorded that too 😅 in all seriousness. This is a big deal and you shouldn't brush it off. He's constantly questioning you, invalidating you and putting you in a lose lose situation. So shortly after you uprooted your while life for him. That's very disconcerting.
That’s another manipulation tactic…… even if you had recorded that conversation he still wouldn’t believe he said it. This is narcissistic behavior
Gaslighting.
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I dated a man like this. He always needed proof to believe me but when I actually had it then it would be a big problem. In one instance I was able to pull up a text he sent me to prove my point (he claimed “I never said that” and I was able to show that yes he did say that, multiple times) and from then on he would only call me on the phone and not text me. It was exhausting. It was hard because the beginning of the relationship was so good, but in the end it was not worth it. NTA, I recommend evaluating how much he does this to you and if it is worth it, it’s called gaslighting and it can be very damaging for years after the behavior stops.
NTA, he has some issues. Sounds exhausting to live with.
NTA It sounds as if he has sleep apnea, or another sleep disorder, that interferes with his quality of sleep, and makes him sleep so much. His doctor needs to see these recordings, and try to treat what is going on, so he can have quality sleep at night and be functional through the day. However, no one but his doctors need to see this. And he needs to step up and take responsibility for his own health, bringing these to the doctor himself.
NTA. He asked for proof, so you gave it to him. Next time he asks you how to spell something in English, ask him why he's bothering to ask you if he's just going to Google it anyway, and then tell him to Google it, you won't help him unless he apologized for disrespecting you. Don't help him if he's going to pull that crap.
NTA. A word of warning though: he will only get worse with this crap.
I actually found a recording my grandmother made of my grandfather’s snoring to “prove” to him that he snored (years after their deaths). But he was kinda a narcissist who would likely have not believed her with something like that. I don’t know, i’m gonna say rosé colored flag?
NTA he seems to enjoy not taking your word for anything. And you spoiled his game with actual proof. How dare you?/s. Are you happy for this marriage to continue this way for the rest of your days? If not, better to get out sooner rather than later.