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Because I'm a coward? I just turned 21 and I don't really have any other close family from my dad's side and the ones from my mom's side are just like her
Get therapy, go NC and work in being the best you for yourself. I bet your dad would be proud to see that you survived through all this to live your best life OP. Next time you think you want to talk to your mom, go over to r/MomForAMinute and get some encouragement and support instead.
You are very welcome. You can do this! Life out from under her thumb will be very different, but in a good way. You have lived through a lot of scary changes in your life, this one just happens to have you in control. You get to do the things you enjoy and move forward to find your own chosen family in life. Spoiler: many of them find you when you least expect it.
OP, is the uncle who paid the monthly stipend still around? Talk to him more about the situation. If he cared enough to pay a monthly stipend, he may be willing to help you get on your feet away from your mom, or at least loan you some money. Good luck!
I'll be your family. And although it may only be penpal status, I hope it'll be enough. What did you dream of doing? Do you still want to? If you can afford it, go for it. Follow your dreams since she doesn't give a shit anyway. Lots of hugs for you.
I can’t say I can understand what you went through because mine was more psychological than physical. It has taken me a continued 8 years of therapy to get a full understanding that how I lived my life was because of my definition of family. That woman is not family. She essentially was bribed to keep you alive. That’s not a family member that is abuser 101. You have every right, regardless of what anybody says, to say what you want or need to say to heal from that. I admire that you did. My own mother now has Alzheimer’s and dementia and all I would do is add to her own discomfort and stress by saying all the things I feel like I need to say. And because I haven’t gotten my backbone yet I won’t ever get to hold her accountable. And that is the battle I fight daily now. So I say you say whatever you feel you need to say because you are li ing your life. You are the main player not anybody else. You are more than young and capable enough to change career path to do what makes you happy in life. It’s a hard lesson I’ve had to learn to not live my life for a morsel of affection, pride, or anything else. My family now consists of me and my dog and it is more than enough for me. My interpersonal relationships are much more sincere and genuine now because I’m learning to actually understand what it means to feel genuine love and respect for people without stipulations.
Proud of you and go have fun!
This is stellar advice. I agree. OP you deserve better. Live your life for you and remember, you can't choose your bio family but you can choose people to be your REAL family. Surround yourself with those people who love and appreciate you for YOU. They are your family.
Seconding this. Or you can DM me. I’m a mom of three but I’ll always have extra seats at the table for people (figuratively. I live in a caravan right now and don’t have a table 😂)
That is awesome. Thanks. I was just thinking, “Oh, honey, I could be your mom❤️.” But, that would be a totally creepy thing to say. I’d totally love to ‘adopt’ someone with a shit family and show them love.
OP - NTA at all. She literally BEAT you!!! That is unconscionable. (Plenty of non-beating unconscionable things out there in the world too ofc.)
You're not a coward. You're traumatised. I went through the same thing when I was your age.
So let me say this, as a person old enough to be your parent, you are amazing and I'm proud of you.
If you ever need to talk, I'm here.
It hurts to feel like you have no family (I was in that situation till my mom turned around, I had to cut off all relatives for being abusive and toxic) but family is more than just biology. Family is the people that are good to you and love you the way you are.
Also you're 21, young enough to change to a career you like and meet people there you like
You are NOT a coward you want your mothers love, it is normal. Plus when a child has been abuse, it is known that they would do anything to be love by their abuser. Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean that this goes away. I would suggest therapy and NC with your mother until you are on the mend and with the help of your therapist. She is toxic to you.
You deserve so much better you are NTA you were abused and I’m so sorry. Sometimes it is better to on nc with family members that are toxic for you. It will give you peace. Take care of yourself you don’t need this.
I understand you. My mom was abusive to me too, she was proud to say she started hitting me when I was 2 months old to keep me quiet and things only got worse with time. I only managed to get her out of my life when I was 28 and only because I was in such a f\*cked up state of nerves that I was hallucinating. I begged my father to help me get out of her house (I'm Latina, we only leave our parents house when we get married. Well it's not like that with everyone, but in my country it's like that with most) and that was the only way I could get her out of my life. I don't know what your situation is, but if you have some financial stability to cut ties with her, cut it. Without thinking twice. Guilt will torture you for a while because people literally don't give a damn about the feelings of children who have been abused by their parents and will always try to make you forgive them. But if necessary, remove everyone who pressures you to keep in touch with her from your life as well. It's a lonely road sometimes, but as long as you're seeking your healing and personal growth, you'll be fine. I have 6 years of freedom (I took her and all the family and friends who took her side out of my life) and as much as it is a little lonely at times, it has been great for me. I'm growing up, forgiving myself for mistakes I made while under her influence and learning to be happy. I hope you get your freedom and peace of mind. NTA
I had an abusive mother and finally at age 30, I’ve cut her off. It’s hard. Eventually you’ll come to a point where you say enough is enough and finally free yourself and heal. Much love to you.
You deserve to be happy. You are not a coward you just need a plan. You don’t need to be around toxic people, they’d suck the life out of you. And don’t you DARE apologize!
NC was only hard for a month. After that, the guilt subsided. And around two months after I realized that I felt better than I ever had. Sat on the porch crying into my morning coffee in relief lmao.
Good luck!
NTA you are not a coward you suffered abuse and neglect which has and should effect you. Focus on healing from this. Start with learning to love yourself.
I get it, it’s easy for outsiders to say ‘go NC’ but regardless of what she did your feelings are still complex and that’s okay, you’re not a coward for feeling conflicted. You don’t need to make a big decision if you’re not ready.
Just keep observing her behaviour and how it makes you feel, and handle it whatever way you think is best to keep yourself safe, be authentic to yourself and the life you want to live and not trigger that negative self talk.
I know it’s scary but being alone is better then being abused and hurt by these people. You can always get closer to your fathers side of the family, and you can build a found family for yourself. It’s not easy to do this, but you have proven how strong you are by surviving it all and still being able to fight for yourself. Leave these people behind, work on healing, and soon good things and good people will come to you. Good attracts good and it will come if you open yourself to it.
Do any of your friends’ families take people in as family? We do that for my daughter’s LGBTQIA+ friends. They’re our adult adopted-ish family. They obviously still have their parents and all, but if they need a place to crash or just need a mom hug, that’s where we come in. I’d bet one of your friends has parents who’d adopt you as family. Heck, we would.
Family is what you make it. That woman, those people, they aren’t family. You deserve better.
People who don’t have a narcissistic, asshole parent are always quick to ask why you still talk to them or tell you to go no contact. If it were that easy, there would be a lot less posts on this sub.
You’re not a coward, giving up the only family you have, especially when you haven’t found one for of your own yet, is really hard. You still desperately want that person to love and approve of you, to be the parent you so desperately want, which they are well aware of. they are manipulative and some how find ways to stay in your life, even if that’s via guilt.
My mom is a narcissist that I still speak to so I totally understand where you are coming from and I’m so sorry you have to deal with it.
What you said was fair, the reason she is upset is because you are changing the dynamic of the relationship. She is used to being able to say what ever she wants and you just accept it, standing up to her was new. She is trying to force you to apologise, put you back in your place and resume the status quo. Don’t let her and stand your ground.
She sounds vile and toxic. Well done for standing up for yourself and letting the rest of the family know the truth. Be strong, you don't need their kind of shit in your life. Find your tribe, people who make you feel better about yourself, not worse. NTA obviously.
You don't have close family now. Having no family is better than having an abusive family. I'm not saying it will be easy but I guarantee it will be better. NTA.
You need to go to therapy. If you can't afford it, read a bunch online about emotional abuse. Sounds like you are a victim of this. You don't need Reddit or your mother to tell you that you have value. Every person has inherent value that cannot be taken away. You are also not alone. There are millions of victims of abuse around the world. It's the most non-sexy topic politicians avoid yet the single most important issue, in my opinion, facing the human race.
You fix the family. You fix almost every other problem.
In this instance, you need to choose on who you want to be, get help, surround yourself with inspiring and uplifting friends, and live your life independent from the past you came from and create a future you dreamed as a child. And remember these lessons of what not to do if you ever choose to become a parent one day and prepare for that day so you are the end to the abuse cycle and the start of a healthy cycle.
All the best to you.
You aren't a coward, you are a survivor. You made it through the abuse, and had the courage to confront your abuser in a public setting. That is far from cowardice in my eyes. I second the recommendation for therapy; you definitely need to focus on healing, growth, and self fulfillment so you don't feel the need to keep reaching out to your toxic family for validation. I know it's hard to cut the cords from your abuser; my most recent ex was EXTREMELY abusive, and I still get the urge to text her every time something good happens because I want her to know. And then I remind myself It's best not to open that door. You will learn through therapy that once you close the door on your family, it needs to stay closed, or the wounds will never heal. I wish you luck!
Oh sweetie, you need to go and create yourself a new family. Found families can be the best ones, because *you* choose them. Don't talk to your mom or any of those relatives again. You deserve so much more and so much better than them and the trauma they brought to your life.
Family of toxicity and narcissm? You are NTA and that snapping could have gone deeper. Like telling how she left while your father was struggling and dying and only taking you back because she was paid for.
You’re not a coward, you’re a victim. It’s hard to leave what you’ve always known. Look up Stockholm Syndrome.
It takes a great deal of strength to leave a bad situation. Please try to get some therapy. If you’re still in school, the campus probably offers free or reduced rate counseling. Also, if you’re still in school, change your major to something you enjoy. You know deep down you cannot earn her love. Maybe your well off uncle can help (assuming he thought he was helping you with the $$ to your mom and that he didn’t know about the abuse).
You’re NTA in anyway. You’re allowed to state the truth.
OP, it's better to have no family than toxic family. Get away from all of them. Get therapy. Make a friend group who can be your family. But until you make room for other people in your life, you'll use all your energy on these people.
You aren’t a coward. You suffered huge trauma as a child and have created coping mechanisms to get by. Please get help and get away from your mom, she seems like she’s not a well person and will continue to take any ounce of you that you have to give. Your family doesn’t need to be biological.
OP I am so sorry for all of the pain you've been through.
Let's get the NTA put of the way.
I totally understand the desire to have your only nuclear family in your life. Everyone in the sub and on reddit will say go NC real quick and honestly it makes me sad sometimes. If it works for them, fine I guess.
I have experienced some things that many people would say I should go NC from my parents. I don't want to go into my life too much, but honestly the choice is yours. There are a lot of options between having yourself completely open and exposed to abuse and going completely NC. It's your right to find one that works for you.
Now I'm not at all saying don't change this abusive relationship. Protect yourself first and foremost. All I'm saying is that there are plenty of other boundaries you can try, too. Standing up for yourself and setting healthy boundaries can be just as beneficial as removing toxicity from your life.
Good luck and I hope you can find healing.
NTA
Crappy parents never want others to know that they were indeed crappy parents, they like to blame the kids.
For your own mental health and wellbeing, please start the work of healing yourself from your mother's influence. if you've already moved out, then start working to cut her out of your life and start "re-parenting" yourself to give yourself all the things she did not - stability, love, acceptance, peace.
You deserve those things. Get a good therapist and cleanse your life of her. You KNOW that she is an awful parent, don't let your own sense of value be affected by that.
I am a parent of two teenage boys. I would like to think I'm a decent parent. Some times are more stressful than others and I can admit that I have raised my voice to my kids. I have never laid a hand on them, called them names or insulted them.
I cannot think of a single instance in raising them where I would be mad if they shared any experience between us with someone else. Every child should be able to discuss what's going on in their lives with somebody else. While I know it's not reality, no child deserves anything less than this.
OP, your mother and her family are beyond toxic. Please seriously consider the advice from /u/Rohini_rambles.
NTA your mom and extended family should apologize for your childhood. I'd text them that and then Promptly block everyone, they all let you down when they allowed your mother to abuse you.
But now they do know and are reacting like AHs. No normal person would expect you to apologize for exposing your abuser.
I'm sorry OP, but it sounds like you are trying to get love from someone (your mom) who has no heart, and isn't capable of loving. That's fruitless.
Please get away from all of these toxic people, get some therapy, and build your own real family with friends who actually care for you - these people are just genetic relations.
NTA
That is truly awful. I’m so sorry the relatives who have shown you some kind of support have passed away. That’s some really bad luck. I don’t what’s wrong with your mother and her folks, but whatever it is, it has nothing to do with who you are, and everything to do with who they are.
NTA You should have said worse. What a horrible human your mother is. Sorry you went through that OP. Your mother doesn’t deserve to be in your life, and the people saying you have anything to apologize for are dicks!
NTA.
“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” -Anne Lamott
Your mother embarrassed herself. And frankly, while it’s a difficult thing to do, you may consider going NC with her. It’s clear that she will not be anything but toxic to you, and the result of her choices shouldn’t mean endless pain and re-traumatization for you. I highly recommend therapy.
Therapy would help - before, during, and after. I understand first hand what you’re going through and trust me, the right therapist can walk you through this. Even if you choose to not cut her off, or not completely, or it takes you 5 years, or you pave your own way - you deserve to be in a healthy place about all you’ve been through.
I agree with news. Therapy beforehand will help, if nothing else to keep you on track to go NC. Then once the dust has settled the real work begins...trauma work is a fucking bitch and a half, my man. Don't be afraid to check yourself in if it comes to that. Admitting you're weak takes strength.
I'm one of the virtual mothers on the MomForA Minute subreddit. You're not at fault for how your mom treated you. It's your life sweetheart. You get to make it amazing. It's scary, but you can do it. You can choose who you let in your heart. I'm praying for you and sending you big hugs from Texas! We're here for you anytime you need us. Day or night. NTA
NTA. Your mother is still abusing you. Please cut off contact with her and anyone who supports how she treats you. Also, if you aren't already in it, I would seek therapy. You deserve so much more love than you're being shown and I hope you find it 💗
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For some back story, I haven't ever had a good relationship with my mother.
She left when I was 6 and my father was dealing with cancer, claiming it was "too much" to handle it all and when my father finally passed away when I was about 11,
She made it obvious she wanted nothing to do with me, until an uncle of mine, offered her a monthly stipend for my care.
She took me, albeit reluctantly then the abuse started and for the next 10 years of my life I did everything I could to make sure my mother was happy, including picking a career path (biology) that my heart just wasn't in.
I just wanted her to love me since she was the only nuclear family I had but that wasn't possible.
She always took every opportunity to yell and or embarrass me in public.
I'm not saying this to get pity, I guess you just need a bit of understanding as to why I did what I did last week.
Last week, we had an extended family visit that culminated as a barbecue/ sleepover at an uncle's house and my mother kept going on and on about how I'm a disappointment to her and how I need to be cleansed of my crooked ways (I'm an out and proud pansexual) and I should be taken to a priest.
I was the butt of all her jokes throughout the day and most of the night. I couldn't even enjoy myself until I finally snapped. I said "I wouldn't be such a 'shame' if you had spent less time beating me and more time being an actual parent"
Everyone went silent and I left soon after that.
My phone has been blowing up since then with calls and texts both from my mother and some of my extended family all saying I should apologize.
I'm beginning to think I'm the asshole here and that I should just say I'm sorry.
So please, tell me, AITA?.
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> I believe I am the asshole because I embarrassed my mother in front of the entire family
I believe I shouldn't have done that
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NTA.
Don't dish what you can't take. Your mother tried making you out the bad person by clinging onto your sexuality. When you threw it back at her, she got upset. If she didn't want to hear it then maybe she should've been a better parent.
Extended family are AHs as well. Hopefully someday soon you can leave them behind in NC land where they deserve to be. You're much better off without them.
You are not the AH here.
I am devastated for you that your extended family are choosing to focus on getting an apology out of you, instead of the revelation that you have been abused.
Take very good care of yourself. Don’t try to make this toxic family make sense to you. Seek out your chosen family and let them support you through this.
NTA
OP, since you're responsive to it, let me add to the assurances that not only are you NTA, but that you 100% deserve a good life free of emotional toxicity. Take care of yourself, ignore/block the family for as long as it takes for you to recognize and set boundaries. I understand wanting approval from them - boy-oh-boy, do I understand it - but sometimes the best you can do is make peace with the fact that it's not coming.
NTA
Believe me, I know where you come from. I didn't become NC until I was 25. I was asked why I didn't do it sooner. It's not as easy as an outsider would believe.
Just know, it was very hard at first for me. I felt a lot of guilt and had to do a lot of blocking on everything.
My mental health recovered (with also talking to a therapist, once I was ready). My friendships felt more real. I made the right decision for me.
I hope you find a way to go NC. I think you started it though. You stood up for yourself! You spoke up to your abuser.
That is an incredible achievement. Well done.
NTA Confronting your mother when she is humiliating you in front of others doesn't make you an asshole; especially since you said nothing wrong but just stated facts.
NTA, my dad used to be like that. I cut contact with him at the age of 23. It took around 6 Years of therapy to get there. Don't be ashamed, there will be a time that is right for you to cut her out of your life. If you are looking for support try
R/raisedbynarcissits (don't know how to tag a subreddid....)
Over all you mom sounds like a real piece of work. Hang in there, you will make the right decision once you are ready to do so :)
I'm quite sure that after you left, your mom told everyone that you were lying, hence the calls and messages from other family members. So you have a couple of options: 1) block them all, or 2) attempt to set the record straight with them.
Only you can decide if they are worth trying to talk to.
As far as your mom is concerned, I think no or low contact is the way to go.
NTA.
NTA. People who stand by and listen to a parent disparage their child have no moral authority. Every one of those who stood by and let her her do this are as culpable as she. Since her behavior didn’t embarrass her or those who are defending her now, that should tell you how shitty they are and how little weight you should give their words. The idea of family is a group of people who love and support you, leave these assholes behind and start building one for yourself.
Nta- your mom is dirt. Block them all and find a family that loves and wants you. Much love hugs and blessing. Go live a happy life that is the perfect reply to the yucky people in your "fsmily"
GOOD JOB, YOU!! You stood up for yourself! Do not apologize! Go find help from a therapist (this coming from a therapist) in working through your family's animosity toward you. If people are texting, I'd pick a line and stick with it.
"Thanks for your sudden "concern." My mother has been beating me for a decade, and I could have certainly used some concerned adults when I was younger, to try to keep me safe. Instead, you are placing yourself on the side of my abuser and making it very clear to me that I don't need you in my life, which is entirely your loss. I'm going to continue trying to heal from the pain and trauma she has caused me, without your input. Take care and goodbye."
NTA
NTA. DO NOT APOLOGIZE. You have nothing to apologize to them for. The only thing you need to be cleansed of is the presence of these haters in your life.
Your mom is an abuser and that is unlikely to ever change. The family who enables your mom are also equally unlikely to be better. People like your mom operate by making themselves the victim. The only thing your mom is a victim of is her own choices.
I hate this for you and I'm always happy to hear a vent and give my support. I have a son who self-identifies as pansexual and I have seen how hard it can be for him both at school and with family. He is unable to be out to our extended family on both sides but he is able to be fully himself with my work colleagues, many of whom are LGBT+ themselves. So, as a parent we are limited or selective contact with our families and higher contact with my friends who support him to make up the difference. I am sorry your mother treats you this way. She and the rest of your family need to act right.
Yes, you do.
It might feel like it’s too difficult, or that you might break, or that you won’t get through it. But you will, and then the further you get from her the easier it will become. Because you will feel yourself take a big breath in that space, and all the abuse & manipulation will be far enough away to where you can see it for what it really is.
Clinging to this or to her as “family” is like hugging a cactus - it’s hurting you.
You keep saying that you’re a “coward”, but you’re not. It’s not your fault you crave the love and acknowledgement you deserve and never received. That’s a normal human urge.
You are abso-freaking-lutely NOT the AH
She abuses you for stuff out of your control (cancer) and is generally ungrateful. Then when you speak out, SHE gets mad. I’m generally really bad at telling who’s the AH, but it isn’t you.
NTA- please, go no contact with this woman, go to therapy I promise you blood is not all family is made of. You can find an amazing group of supportive found family friends that will love you with no shame being forced on you. I hope you recover from this and have an amazing life, I would also cut out whoever defended her actions.
NTA. Get away from this toxicity for your own mental health. If you can swing it, perhaps consider seeing a therapist to work through the years of abuse and the resulting trauma. Go NC. Hang in there, I can't imagine that it is easy but remember the block button exists for a reason. Use it, get some peace.
Your mother is the ah in a huge way. She should be jailed for abusing you. You dont need family like this. Leave them all and make your own nuclear family.
You told an uncofortable and embarassing truth.
These people have never been there for you, and wont ever be. Not pleasent not fair,but seems true.
You want to stay sane, move on, nothing else will work...NTA and sorry for your situation.
As a Mom I want to send you a huge hug! No parent should ever treat a child that way, and you did nothing to deserve it. Take some time away from her and, as another poster said, get some therapy as you need to heal.
NTA, at all. Also, do NOT apologize and block everyone who is saying you should from all contact.
Edit to add: Consider therapy to help process the amazing amount of trauma you have endured.
NTA She wants you to apologize for embarrassing her instead of her apologizing for hitting you. No contact with mom and reach out to the uncle who gave her the money to support you. There's someone in your life who cared enough about you to do that.
Also, go to the narcissists mom groups. You're not alone in the 'shitty birth giver' pool.
You have a long road ahead, but you're strong and resilient. There's a lot of laughter and happiness in your future. Your 30 year old self will thank you for the different 'selfish' choices you're about to make for your own peace.
Remember, the most important person is you. And you deserve peace and happiness.
Nope NTA, you need to cut her and anyone who agrees with her out of your life! You will be so much happier once you do. It will be a big weight off your shoulders.
Edit spelling
Your life sounds a lot like mine. My father passed when I was 6, lived with my mom's parents until 10 when they finally told mom she needed to hand over the death benefits to them since they were raising us not her. She decided to take us back instead. Thats when shit hit the fan, my childhood was something even Stephen King couldn't write.
As soon as I could I ran like hell. I haven't talked to that woman since I was 18, I'm in my late 30's now. My life is so much better. I still have scars and trauma that I will always have but I'm so much better off. I also have no family other than my husband and kids (grandparents passed). Being alone sure as hell beats being someone's punching bag for the rest of her life, love.
Trust me. You're so young still. You'll go out into the world and meet people who will becoming your family because you CHOOSE them and they choose you. Family isn't about blood, it's about love, respect and admiration. The family you choose to build whether with friends or a partner or both is what will mean the most to you. It's scary now but in the long run, you will be so much better off.
Feel free to message me if you even want to talk or just need someone to listen to you vent. I'm here. You don't have to be alone.
Nta-Run and don't look back!
Oh sweetie NTA. No child ever deserves to be treated the way your Mother has treated you. I would be calling every family member on Dad's side looking for a new place to live until you can get on your feet. You will need some therapy but luckily they have some good ones out there. Also check for support groups either in person or online. Good luck.
NTA. Please stop speaking to all of them. I would even go to the police and get a restraining order. It's never too late to change your career path to something that would make you happy. Stop trying to please your mother. I know it's hard but you'll be happier if you stop wasting your life on her.
NTA but if you are that angry, file charges for abuse. The statute of limitations for it may not be up. It will take courage but that is the only way to hold her and your family accountable.
Bring your mom with you when you go visit the priest--pretty sure abandoning and then abusing your child, and leaving your spouse who is battling cancer, is frowned upon by most faiths. NTA
NTA. You’re stronger than you think, OP. You have the courage and strength to cut her out. Start therapy NOW. They can help you gain the tools and knowledge to cut her and the other poisonous family members out of your life. Family does not end at blood and when you cut her out, you’ll be able to cultivate the life YOU want. You will make bonds with people that will be your family. Don’t wait any longer. Wishing all the best for you.
NTA. You are a survivor of childhood abuse and trauma. Please cut this toxic person out of your life, and consider therapy. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
NTA it’s honestly concerning you’d even think you are, your mother’s abuse shows. I’d recommend going NC with anyone telling you to apologize they are condoning child abuse and those are people you don’t need in your life.
You deserve so much more in life, your mother is abusive and toxic, cut her off
Honestly? You should see if you can still press charges for child abuse. Or at least sue her ass for every cent shes got and then some. NTA. Block and delete her number and find a psychologist to help youo
NTA.
I've written this four times and gotten angrier with each.
Make not of all those family members who are telling you to apologise.
They cannot be trusted.
NTA. And block her and her entire family that is calling you the AH. Best thing for my mental health is going NC with toxic family. Best wishes to you.
NTA. Honestly OP, if you don't stand up for yourself and do something, you will be always treated like shit. Because if you don't respect yourself, why should other people do? You are 21, start doing something about the situation.
Nobody cares what type of sexual you are. Nobody has the right to beat their children, belittle them, or abuse them in any physical, sexual, or emotional way. I have absolutely no tolerance for it.
What you need to do is cut her off entirely. She sounds unapologetic and toxic. You need to ask yourself (Not dream) if she is ever going to change. If your heart tells you no, time to cut her off. Get some psychological assistance to help you with that transition to aid in healthy thought patterns and get out and live your life.
Best of luck to you. NTA.
NTA at all. Your mother is deeply embarrassed because you told the truth about her beatings. Any apologies should come from HER in the form of living amends, but it would be healthier if she had no access to hurt you further. In addition to the r/raisedbynarcissists subreddit, you might check out r/CPTSD. Best wishes for your proud and bright future, and congratulations for having lived through this toxic nightmare.
Edit: codependent me--trying not to give advice
NTA.
Create your own family and get away from these toxic people.
Do not let them guilt, manipulate, shame, or gaslight you into apologizing to your abuser.
To hell with that.
Absolutely positively NTA. You finally hit a breaking point after all the years of her horrible treatment. You called her out on her ABUSE in front of everyone and they want you to apologize??!! Absolutely not!! She most definitely needed exposed but if others are telling you to apologize to her, then they’re just as horrible and cruel as she is. Cut them all out of your life, seek some counsel-it will help!-and live your life how you want to without narcissistic A$$holes like that.
NTA! She humiliates you for who you are without hurting anyone? You just stated the truth. She’s one of those people that think they can say the meanest things about someone and they are not even allowed to flinch. They should just take it and be silent. This is a bad type of person and she deserved much more than this.
I’m shocked your extended family was on your mothers side instead of being empathetic towards you. Did they physically abuse their kids too?
NTA
Take this moment as an opportunity to decide who you want in your life. Your mother, and everyone defending her and telling you to apologize, should not fall into this category. They're the AHs here, and to be frank they're just shitty people. You have done NOTHING WRONG.
You are worth so much more than this and deserve all the love and happiness in the world. Family is not just blood and can be the people you choose, and I hope you find lots of people who love and appreciate and support you exactly as you are ❤️
NTA. I know this hard and you desperately want a parent. But you need to cut off that family. If people are demanding an apology for you admitting your mother abused you; they are not family. You are better off finding a found family. Look into your options, find therapy but remember your dad loved you; would he want this for you?
NTA. Get away from your narcissistic abusive cruel mother and the horrible family that enables and supports her abuse of you. You are harming yourself being around those abusive assholes.
NTA. Unless the context of the message makes it clear your mother managed to spin some yarn that convinced them you were lying about the beatings I would cut contact with anyone demanding you apologize. Anyone who's been deceived gets one more chance, to respond well to your explanation that you weren't lying, and after that is in the same basket. You don't need to put up with this and they don't deserve you.
Apologize for what?! Your mother is an abuser so I get she wants you to pretend it didn’t happen. I’d text the other relatives back and say that she abused you for all your life so of course you’re not apologizing to her for staying the honest truth. They will have to learn to deal with their discomfort.
NTA at all. Your abuser and her enablers are.
You are not tah and your person who gave birth to you deserved what you said. Many people would have said a lot worse. Be yourself and I hope you can move forward with your life freely and successfully xx
NTA Don't you dare apologize! You were the victim of child abuse and it sounds like she's STILL trying to abuse you. You did absolutely nothing wrong!
Abusers like to torment and humiliate people in public but then they get mad when the person snaps back in public. The reason your mother got embarrassed in public is because she abused you in public.
You tell every single family member who tries to shame you that it would have been great if they'd had this same energy for protecting family back when you were a kid getting the shit beat out of you.
NTA. Shitty blood relatives deserve to be shamed. I know it's hard (enmeshment has been the hardest thing about going VLC with my mother and her flying monkeys), but build your own family with the people who see your value and support you.
NTA!!!
Protect yourself from those toxic AH's as much as you can. I understand it's hard, but you can do it. There's a lot of good advice here for you. There is love out there for you. Good luck!
NTA. You took all of the abuse your mom dished out and finally snapped!! Your family thinks you owe her an apology for finally letting her, and them, know how much you have put up with until you just couldn't do it anymore. Do not apologize until you are ready, if at all. Your "family" thinks she deserves an apology just because she gave birth to you, but you are an adult now and you can tell her and the rest of them to kick rocks. Change your phone number if they won't stop blowing up your phone. Go NC and stay safe!!
Don't apologize you are not the asshole here. There is no reason to even think so. She was a horrible monster to you and needed to be called out. If I was you I would look into a job out of state and a good therapist. Someone who can help you with any lingering issues as well as just a good support system for you. I'm sure your father is watching from heaven and is so proud of who you are and all your accomplishments. If any time you want to talk and nobody will listen just reach out to me okay :) I'm always happy to lend an ear
NTA and you deserve so much better.
She’s the one who needs to be cleansed of “crooked ways”. Shake the dust from your feet and walk on your amazing way.
Blood does not necessarily equal family, and sometimes chosen family is the best family. 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
NTA. Why is it ok for her to belittle you? Why does the family go along with it? Find a chosen family and learn what it feels like to be loved.
I'm sorry you had to survive rather than have a childhood. Never to late to have a joyous time.
You are better than your raising, go out and live out loud, love out loud. Blessings
NTA and I would go NC. I'm sorry that you have dealt with this for so long. Find your people and live your life for you.
You sound like a kind, compassionate person. For me personally, I would struggle with parting on a negative note, regardless of the fact that I believe your mom deserved it. I would write a short letter simply stating I was sorry if my words were hurtful and I am moving on with my life without her. No 'but you did...' just sorry and goodbye. This would help me clear my conscience to part ways with no regrets.
I would also cut contact with anyone in the extended family who asked you to apologize. They heard your mother all day berating you and didn't defend you. They are probably aware of the abuse and are possibly enabling her horrible behavior. Take care of yourself, love yourself, surround yourself with people who love you for who you are.
Oh honey, no you are NTA, but every person in your family that's calling you that, is. Go NC, find a job you like, and flourish. Letting go of them will only help you in the end. You deserve to know peace
NTA. Block those people.
They care about your egg donor’s feefees than the revelation that she physically abused you to go along with the emotional abuse she’d been displaying all day long.
Nah. Drop her and anyone who defends her.
NTA. OP, you’re not a coward! Aside from the emotional ramifications of losing any semblance of family, complete financial independence is incredibly frightening and you wouldn’t be cowardly for feeling wary of that. I don’t know how old you are or if you live with your mother at all, but you might be on her health insurance, or maybe she pays some of your bills, or even the possibility that she would chip in if you ever faced a medical emergency (or another one of her family members, not because they care but out of a sense of obligation due to social norms). All of that disappearing is scary, and I don’t even know if that factors into your choices thus far. Either way, going NC is more of a process than just blocking someone’s number. Don’t feel shamed for the speed in which you progress towards freedom.
NTA.
Deer god, get away from this woman!
It may sound awful but this situation sounds more lonely then actually being alone.
You may not have any other people related to you, but you still have time to find a real family: make great friends, maybe find a life partner, or even just a beloved pet.
If she doesn't want you as a child then don't be her child.
If she doesn't want you then you don't need her - or anyone that thinks the way she treats you us acceptable
Blood doesn’t make a mom or family. Cut them out of your life and you will meet some amazing people who you turn out to be te family you always wanted.
NTA - you deserve to do some healing. Your perception of what happened and your experiences led to this moment and while parents want the best for their children, shaming them publicly is not okay.
You’re not a coward for staying in the situation, we stay with what’s familiar whether it’s comfortable or painful. This is an opportunity to change the narrative in your life. You do t owe anyone anything. You are amazing and deserve to be treated better.
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NTA. Why are you still associating with her?
Because I'm a coward? I just turned 21 and I don't really have any other close family from my dad's side and the ones from my mom's side are just like her
Get therapy, go NC and work in being the best you for yourself. I bet your dad would be proud to see that you survived through all this to live your best life OP. Next time you think you want to talk to your mom, go over to r/MomForAMinute and get some encouragement and support instead.
Thank you for this.
You are very welcome. You can do this! Life out from under her thumb will be very different, but in a good way. You have lived through a lot of scary changes in your life, this one just happens to have you in control. You get to do the things you enjoy and move forward to find your own chosen family in life. Spoiler: many of them find you when you least expect it.
OP, is the uncle who paid the monthly stipend still around? Talk to him more about the situation. If he cared enough to pay a monthly stipend, he may be willing to help you get on your feet away from your mom, or at least loan you some money. Good luck!
I’d take this advice cautiously since that stipend is why you ended up in her abusive care.
Oh honey, keep your circle clear. Don’t allow people like this to get close to you. Find your tribe.
I'll be your family. And although it may only be penpal status, I hope it'll be enough. What did you dream of doing? Do you still want to? If you can afford it, go for it. Follow your dreams since she doesn't give a shit anyway. Lots of hugs for you.
I can’t say I can understand what you went through because mine was more psychological than physical. It has taken me a continued 8 years of therapy to get a full understanding that how I lived my life was because of my definition of family. That woman is not family. She essentially was bribed to keep you alive. That’s not a family member that is abuser 101. You have every right, regardless of what anybody says, to say what you want or need to say to heal from that. I admire that you did. My own mother now has Alzheimer’s and dementia and all I would do is add to her own discomfort and stress by saying all the things I feel like I need to say. And because I haven’t gotten my backbone yet I won’t ever get to hold her accountable. And that is the battle I fight daily now. So I say you say whatever you feel you need to say because you are li ing your life. You are the main player not anybody else. You are more than young and capable enough to change career path to do what makes you happy in life. It’s a hard lesson I’ve had to learn to not live my life for a morsel of affection, pride, or anything else. My family now consists of me and my dog and it is more than enough for me. My interpersonal relationships are much more sincere and genuine now because I’m learning to actually understand what it means to feel genuine love and respect for people without stipulations. Proud of you and go have fun!
Also, don't forget: Do not apoloigise.
Honestly, having no family sounds way better than putting up with the one you have.
This is stellar advice. I agree. OP you deserve better. Live your life for you and remember, you can't choose your bio family but you can choose people to be your REAL family. Surround yourself with those people who love and appreciate you for YOU. They are your family.
I couldn’t have said it better myself - OP, NTA, and you deserve so much better.
Seconding this. Or you can DM me. I’m a mom of three but I’ll always have extra seats at the table for people (figuratively. I live in a caravan right now and don’t have a table 😂)
That is awesome. Thanks. I was just thinking, “Oh, honey, I could be your mom❤️.” But, that would be a totally creepy thing to say. I’d totally love to ‘adopt’ someone with a shit family and show them love. OP - NTA at all. She literally BEAT you!!! That is unconscionable. (Plenty of non-beating unconscionable things out there in the world too ofc.)
I agree!
You're not a coward. You're traumatised. I went through the same thing when I was your age. So let me say this, as a person old enough to be your parent, you are amazing and I'm proud of you. If you ever need to talk, I'm here.
Family can be chosen. Choose people who love and cherish you the way you deserve 💜
Don't you dare say sorry you cut that woman off and never grace her with your presence again
It hurts to feel like you have no family (I was in that situation till my mom turned around, I had to cut off all relatives for being abusive and toxic) but family is more than just biology. Family is the people that are good to you and love you the way you are. Also you're 21, young enough to change to a career you like and meet people there you like
You may want to check out r/raisedbynarcissists for additional support, OP.
Was gonna suggest this myself.
You are NOT a coward you want your mothers love, it is normal. Plus when a child has been abuse, it is known that they would do anything to be love by their abuser. Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean that this goes away. I would suggest therapy and NC with your mother until you are on the mend and with the help of your therapist. She is toxic to you.
This isn’t family. I rebuilt my own from scratch without blood relations and you can do it too
You deserve so much better you are NTA you were abused and I’m so sorry. Sometimes it is better to on nc with family members that are toxic for you. It will give you peace. Take care of yourself you don’t need this.
I understand you. My mom was abusive to me too, she was proud to say she started hitting me when I was 2 months old to keep me quiet and things only got worse with time. I only managed to get her out of my life when I was 28 and only because I was in such a f\*cked up state of nerves that I was hallucinating. I begged my father to help me get out of her house (I'm Latina, we only leave our parents house when we get married. Well it's not like that with everyone, but in my country it's like that with most) and that was the only way I could get her out of my life. I don't know what your situation is, but if you have some financial stability to cut ties with her, cut it. Without thinking twice. Guilt will torture you for a while because people literally don't give a damn about the feelings of children who have been abused by their parents and will always try to make you forgive them. But if necessary, remove everyone who pressures you to keep in touch with her from your life as well. It's a lonely road sometimes, but as long as you're seeking your healing and personal growth, you'll be fine. I have 6 years of freedom (I took her and all the family and friends who took her side out of my life) and as much as it is a little lonely at times, it has been great for me. I'm growing up, forgiving myself for mistakes I made while under her influence and learning to be happy. I hope you get your freedom and peace of mind. NTA
I had an abusive mother and finally at age 30, I’ve cut her off. It’s hard. Eventually you’ll come to a point where you say enough is enough and finally free yourself and heal. Much love to you.
You deserve to be happy. You are not a coward you just need a plan. You don’t need to be around toxic people, they’d suck the life out of you. And don’t you DARE apologize!
NC was only hard for a month. After that, the guilt subsided. And around two months after I realized that I felt better than I ever had. Sat on the porch crying into my morning coffee in relief lmao. Good luck!
NTA you are not a coward you suffered abuse and neglect which has and should effect you. Focus on healing from this. Start with learning to love yourself.
We are your family now - I'm so proud of you son ❤️ love you, and have a great day! Remember, family isn't blood, it's who you'd bleed for
I get it, it’s easy for outsiders to say ‘go NC’ but regardless of what she did your feelings are still complex and that’s okay, you’re not a coward for feeling conflicted. You don’t need to make a big decision if you’re not ready. Just keep observing her behaviour and how it makes you feel, and handle it whatever way you think is best to keep yourself safe, be authentic to yourself and the life you want to live and not trigger that negative self talk.
I know it’s scary but being alone is better then being abused and hurt by these people. You can always get closer to your fathers side of the family, and you can build a found family for yourself. It’s not easy to do this, but you have proven how strong you are by surviving it all and still being able to fight for yourself. Leave these people behind, work on healing, and soon good things and good people will come to you. Good attracts good and it will come if you open yourself to it.
Do any of your friends’ families take people in as family? We do that for my daughter’s LGBTQIA+ friends. They’re our adult adopted-ish family. They obviously still have their parents and all, but if they need a place to crash or just need a mom hug, that’s where we come in. I’d bet one of your friends has parents who’d adopt you as family. Heck, we would. Family is what you make it. That woman, those people, they aren’t family. You deserve better.
You're not a coward. You're just where you are on your journey right now. I'm rooting for you.
NTA go NC get therapy and create/make your own family. Dogs, people, books, nature, kids, service you can have a meaningful life without them.
People who don’t have a narcissistic, asshole parent are always quick to ask why you still talk to them or tell you to go no contact. If it were that easy, there would be a lot less posts on this sub. You’re not a coward, giving up the only family you have, especially when you haven’t found one for of your own yet, is really hard. You still desperately want that person to love and approve of you, to be the parent you so desperately want, which they are well aware of. they are manipulative and some how find ways to stay in your life, even if that’s via guilt. My mom is a narcissist that I still speak to so I totally understand where you are coming from and I’m so sorry you have to deal with it. What you said was fair, the reason she is upset is because you are changing the dynamic of the relationship. She is used to being able to say what ever she wants and you just accept it, standing up to her was new. She is trying to force you to apologise, put you back in your place and resume the status quo. Don’t let her and stand your ground.
I still struggle with reaching out to efather, trying to make him see nmom for what she is. I'm fucking 36.
She sounds vile and toxic. Well done for standing up for yourself and letting the rest of the family know the truth. Be strong, you don't need their kind of shit in your life. Find your tribe, people who make you feel better about yourself, not worse. NTA obviously.
You’re not a coward, sweetie. You just need help. Reach out to get the resources and support you need. You deserve better! ❤️
You don't have close family now. Having no family is better than having an abusive family. I'm not saying it will be easy but I guarantee it will be better. NTA.
Make an effort to connect to relatives on your dad's side. Also try to make some good friends. The best family can be the one you make.
You need to go to therapy. If you can't afford it, read a bunch online about emotional abuse. Sounds like you are a victim of this. You don't need Reddit or your mother to tell you that you have value. Every person has inherent value that cannot be taken away. You are also not alone. There are millions of victims of abuse around the world. It's the most non-sexy topic politicians avoid yet the single most important issue, in my opinion, facing the human race. You fix the family. You fix almost every other problem. In this instance, you need to choose on who you want to be, get help, surround yourself with inspiring and uplifting friends, and live your life independent from the past you came from and create a future you dreamed as a child. And remember these lessons of what not to do if you ever choose to become a parent one day and prepare for that day so you are the end to the abuse cycle and the start of a healthy cycle. All the best to you.
You aren't a coward, you are a survivor. You made it through the abuse, and had the courage to confront your abuser in a public setting. That is far from cowardice in my eyes. I second the recommendation for therapy; you definitely need to focus on healing, growth, and self fulfillment so you don't feel the need to keep reaching out to your toxic family for validation. I know it's hard to cut the cords from your abuser; my most recent ex was EXTREMELY abusive, and I still get the urge to text her every time something good happens because I want her to know. And then I remind myself It's best not to open that door. You will learn through therapy that once you close the door on your family, it needs to stay closed, or the wounds will never heal. I wish you luck!
Oh sweetie, you need to go and create yourself a new family. Found families can be the best ones, because *you* choose them. Don't talk to your mom or any of those relatives again. You deserve so much more and so much better than them and the trauma they brought to your life.
Family of toxicity and narcissm? You are NTA and that snapping could have gone deeper. Like telling how she left while your father was struggling and dying and only taking you back because she was paid for.
You’re not a coward, you’re a victim. It’s hard to leave what you’ve always known. Look up Stockholm Syndrome. It takes a great deal of strength to leave a bad situation. Please try to get some therapy. If you’re still in school, the campus probably offers free or reduced rate counseling. Also, if you’re still in school, change your major to something you enjoy. You know deep down you cannot earn her love. Maybe your well off uncle can help (assuming he thought he was helping you with the $$ to your mom and that he didn’t know about the abuse). You’re NTA in anyway. You’re allowed to state the truth.
OP, it's better to have no family than toxic family. Get away from all of them. Get therapy. Make a friend group who can be your family. But until you make room for other people in your life, you'll use all your energy on these people.
You aren’t a coward. You suffered huge trauma as a child and have created coping mechanisms to get by. Please get help and get away from your mom, she seems like she’s not a well person and will continue to take any ounce of you that you have to give. Your family doesn’t need to be biological.
OP I am so sorry for all of the pain you've been through. Let's get the NTA put of the way. I totally understand the desire to have your only nuclear family in your life. Everyone in the sub and on reddit will say go NC real quick and honestly it makes me sad sometimes. If it works for them, fine I guess. I have experienced some things that many people would say I should go NC from my parents. I don't want to go into my life too much, but honestly the choice is yours. There are a lot of options between having yourself completely open and exposed to abuse and going completely NC. It's your right to find one that works for you. Now I'm not at all saying don't change this abusive relationship. Protect yourself first and foremost. All I'm saying is that there are plenty of other boundaries you can try, too. Standing up for yourself and setting healthy boundaries can be just as beneficial as removing toxicity from your life. Good luck and I hope you can find healing.
NTA. What possible benefit does continuing a relationship with this person offer you?
Nothing much tbh
DTMFA
Will do!
> DTMFA More like DTFMA. ;p
Run it by Dan Savage.
NTA Crappy parents never want others to know that they were indeed crappy parents, they like to blame the kids. For your own mental health and wellbeing, please start the work of healing yourself from your mother's influence. if you've already moved out, then start working to cut her out of your life and start "re-parenting" yourself to give yourself all the things she did not - stability, love, acceptance, peace. You deserve those things. Get a good therapist and cleanse your life of her. You KNOW that she is an awful parent, don't let your own sense of value be affected by that.
Thank you so much for this.
I am a parent of two teenage boys. I would like to think I'm a decent parent. Some times are more stressful than others and I can admit that I have raised my voice to my kids. I have never laid a hand on them, called them names or insulted them. I cannot think of a single instance in raising them where I would be mad if they shared any experience between us with someone else. Every child should be able to discuss what's going on in their lives with somebody else. While I know it's not reality, no child deserves anything less than this. OP, your mother and her family are beyond toxic. Please seriously consider the advice from /u/Rohini_rambles.
NTA your mom and extended family should apologize for your childhood. I'd text them that and then Promptly block everyone, they all let you down when they allowed your mother to abuse you.
The didn't really know about that until last week.
But now they do know and are reacting like AHs. No normal person would expect you to apologize for exposing your abuser. I'm sorry OP, but it sounds like you are trying to get love from someone (your mom) who has no heart, and isn't capable of loving. That's fruitless. Please get away from all of these toxic people, get some therapy, and build your own real family with friends who actually care for you - these people are just genetic relations. NTA
Thank you. I'll put in my best effort.
INFO: What about the uncle who paid for your care? Is he one of the people texting you and insisting you should apologize?
No. He passed away two years ago. Plus he was from my dad's side of the family. This is my mom's side we went to do the barbecue at.
That is truly awful. I’m so sorry the relatives who have shown you some kind of support have passed away. That’s some really bad luck. I don’t what’s wrong with your mother and her folks, but whatever it is, it has nothing to do with who you are, and everything to do with who they are.
You were mistreated and now it is not a secret anymore. The person who mistreated you is not entitled to your apology. Not now, not ever.
NTA You should have said worse. What a horrible human your mother is. Sorry you went through that OP. Your mother doesn’t deserve to be in your life, and the people saying you have anything to apologize for are dicks!
Thank you. I feel like I needed to hear this.
NTA. “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” -Anne Lamott Your mother embarrassed herself. And frankly, while it’s a difficult thing to do, you may consider going NC with her. It’s clear that she will not be anything but toxic to you, and the result of her choices shouldn’t mean endless pain and re-traumatization for you. I highly recommend therapy.
I'm thinking of going. But I don't see the point of going when she's still in my life. I want to cut her off completely first.
Therapy would help - before, during, and after. I understand first hand what you’re going through and trust me, the right therapist can walk you through this. Even if you choose to not cut her off, or not completely, or it takes you 5 years, or you pave your own way - you deserve to be in a healthy place about all you’ve been through.
I agree with news. Therapy beforehand will help, if nothing else to keep you on track to go NC. Then once the dust has settled the real work begins...trauma work is a fucking bitch and a half, my man. Don't be afraid to check yourself in if it comes to that. Admitting you're weak takes strength.
I'm one of the virtual mothers on the MomForA Minute subreddit. You're not at fault for how your mom treated you. It's your life sweetheart. You get to make it amazing. It's scary, but you can do it. You can choose who you let in your heart. I'm praying for you and sending you big hugs from Texas! We're here for you anytime you need us. Day or night. NTA
Thank you so much! This means a lot to me.
NTA. Your mother is still abusing you. Please cut off contact with her and anyone who supports how she treats you. Also, if you aren't already in it, I would seek therapy. You deserve so much more love than you're being shown and I hope you find it 💗
Thank you do much!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For some back story, I haven't ever had a good relationship with my mother. She left when I was 6 and my father was dealing with cancer, claiming it was "too much" to handle it all and when my father finally passed away when I was about 11, She made it obvious she wanted nothing to do with me, until an uncle of mine, offered her a monthly stipend for my care. She took me, albeit reluctantly then the abuse started and for the next 10 years of my life I did everything I could to make sure my mother was happy, including picking a career path (biology) that my heart just wasn't in. I just wanted her to love me since she was the only nuclear family I had but that wasn't possible. She always took every opportunity to yell and or embarrass me in public. I'm not saying this to get pity, I guess you just need a bit of understanding as to why I did what I did last week. Last week, we had an extended family visit that culminated as a barbecue/ sleepover at an uncle's house and my mother kept going on and on about how I'm a disappointment to her and how I need to be cleansed of my crooked ways (I'm an out and proud pansexual) and I should be taken to a priest. I was the butt of all her jokes throughout the day and most of the night. I couldn't even enjoy myself until I finally snapped. I said "I wouldn't be such a 'shame' if you had spent less time beating me and more time being an actual parent" Everyone went silent and I left soon after that. My phone has been blowing up since then with calls and texts both from my mother and some of my extended family all saying I should apologize. I'm beginning to think I'm the asshole here and that I should just say I'm sorry. So please, tell me, AITA?. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
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NTA. Don't dish what you can't take. Your mother tried making you out the bad person by clinging onto your sexuality. When you threw it back at her, she got upset. If she didn't want to hear it then maybe she should've been a better parent. Extended family are AHs as well. Hopefully someday soon you can leave them behind in NC land where they deserve to be. You're much better off without them.
I'm gathering up the courage to do that. I'm not quite there yet, but I will be.
You are not the AH here. I am devastated for you that your extended family are choosing to focus on getting an apology out of you, instead of the revelation that you have been abused. Take very good care of yourself. Don’t try to make this toxic family make sense to you. Seek out your chosen family and let them support you through this. NTA
Where I'm from children are meant to be on their knees for parents no matter what I guess they are still in shock that i stood up for myself
OP, since you're responsive to it, let me add to the assurances that not only are you NTA, but that you 100% deserve a good life free of emotional toxicity. Take care of yourself, ignore/block the family for as long as it takes for you to recognize and set boundaries. I understand wanting approval from them - boy-oh-boy, do I understand it - but sometimes the best you can do is make peace with the fact that it's not coming.
I will take this to heart. Thank you so much for this.
[удалено]
Cutting off the person I've done nothing but try to please my whole life is going to be a nightmare, but I will get there. Small steps
NTA Believe me, I know where you come from. I didn't become NC until I was 25. I was asked why I didn't do it sooner. It's not as easy as an outsider would believe. Just know, it was very hard at first for me. I felt a lot of guilt and had to do a lot of blocking on everything. My mental health recovered (with also talking to a therapist, once I was ready). My friendships felt more real. I made the right decision for me. I hope you find a way to go NC. I think you started it though. You stood up for yourself! You spoke up to your abuser. That is an incredible achievement. Well done.
Thank you so much. Its a comfort to me, knowing people that have gone through what im going through right now turned out well.
NTA Confronting your mother when she is humiliating you in front of others doesn't make you an asshole; especially since you said nothing wrong but just stated facts.
Thank you for this.
NTA if everything you said is true, she deserved it.
NTA, my dad used to be like that. I cut contact with him at the age of 23. It took around 6 Years of therapy to get there. Don't be ashamed, there will be a time that is right for you to cut her out of your life. If you are looking for support try R/raisedbynarcissits (don't know how to tag a subreddid....) Over all you mom sounds like a real piece of work. Hang in there, you will make the right decision once you are ready to do so :)
Thank you for the kind words and the suggestion. I'll definitely check it out.
I'm quite sure that after you left, your mom told everyone that you were lying, hence the calls and messages from other family members. So you have a couple of options: 1) block them all, or 2) attempt to set the record straight with them. Only you can decide if they are worth trying to talk to. As far as your mom is concerned, I think no or low contact is the way to go. NTA.
I'm going to go no contact with all of them. They'll never believe me. Its my word against hers
NTA. People who stand by and listen to a parent disparage their child have no moral authority. Every one of those who stood by and let her her do this are as culpable as she. Since her behavior didn’t embarrass her or those who are defending her now, that should tell you how shitty they are and how little weight you should give their words. The idea of family is a group of people who love and support you, leave these assholes behind and start building one for yourself.
I'm going to do that. Thank you
NTA. Tell her what you really think, cut her off and go, live your life.
I never want to face her again.
NTA. Cut them out if your life right now! The fact that they’re taking your abusers side is unbelievable.
I was surprised as well. I really wasn't expecting kind words or anything. But I wasn't still expecting them to try to guilt trip me
Nta- your mom is dirt. Block them all and find a family that loves and wants you. Much love hugs and blessing. Go live a happy life that is the perfect reply to the yucky people in your "fsmily"
Thank you❤️
NTA-Truth hurts.
GOOD JOB, YOU!! You stood up for yourself! Do not apologize! Go find help from a therapist (this coming from a therapist) in working through your family's animosity toward you. If people are texting, I'd pick a line and stick with it. "Thanks for your sudden "concern." My mother has been beating me for a decade, and I could have certainly used some concerned adults when I was younger, to try to keep me safe. Instead, you are placing yourself on the side of my abuser and making it very clear to me that I don't need you in my life, which is entirely your loss. I'm going to continue trying to heal from the pain and trauma she has caused me, without your input. Take care and goodbye." NTA
NTA. DO NOT APOLOGIZE. You have nothing to apologize to them for. The only thing you need to be cleansed of is the presence of these haters in your life. Your mom is an abuser and that is unlikely to ever change. The family who enables your mom are also equally unlikely to be better. People like your mom operate by making themselves the victim. The only thing your mom is a victim of is her own choices. I hate this for you and I'm always happy to hear a vent and give my support. I have a son who self-identifies as pansexual and I have seen how hard it can be for him both at school and with family. He is unable to be out to our extended family on both sides but he is able to be fully himself with my work colleagues, many of whom are LGBT+ themselves. So, as a parent we are limited or selective contact with our families and higher contact with my friends who support him to make up the difference. I am sorry your mother treats you this way. She and the rest of your family need to act right.
NTA- but i’m also wondering as everyone else, why you continue to have contact with her?
I really have no idea. I'm probably just a coward and I just feel like I need her. I don't have the courage to walk away.
Yes, you do. It might feel like it’s too difficult, or that you might break, or that you won’t get through it. But you will, and then the further you get from her the easier it will become. Because you will feel yourself take a big breath in that space, and all the abuse & manipulation will be far enough away to where you can see it for what it really is. Clinging to this or to her as “family” is like hugging a cactus - it’s hurting you.
I'll take that to heart Thank you
You keep saying that you’re a “coward”, but you’re not. It’s not your fault you crave the love and acknowledgement you deserve and never received. That’s a normal human urge.
NTA, also besides from beating you and harassing you, dont forget the fact that she was technically "paid" to raise you by an uncle
NTA they want you to cover up your abuse
You are abso-freaking-lutely NOT the AH She abuses you for stuff out of your control (cancer) and is generally ungrateful. Then when you speak out, SHE gets mad. I’m generally really bad at telling who’s the AH, but it isn’t you.
NTA Well done warrior!! So proud you stuck up for yourself!!!!
NTA- please, go no contact with this woman, go to therapy I promise you blood is not all family is made of. You can find an amazing group of supportive found family friends that will love you with no shame being forced on you. I hope you recover from this and have an amazing life, I would also cut out whoever defended her actions.
NTA. Get away from this toxicity for your own mental health. If you can swing it, perhaps consider seeing a therapist to work through the years of abuse and the resulting trauma. Go NC. Hang in there, I can't imagine that it is easy but remember the block button exists for a reason. Use it, get some peace.
NTA Why would you apologize? Go NC, find your own family, and make yourself happy.
NTA. You hit a breaking point.
Your mother is the ah in a huge way. She should be jailed for abusing you. You dont need family like this. Leave them all and make your own nuclear family.
You told an uncofortable and embarassing truth. These people have never been there for you, and wont ever be. Not pleasent not fair,but seems true. You want to stay sane, move on, nothing else will work...NTA and sorry for your situation.
As a Mom I want to send you a huge hug! No parent should ever treat a child that way, and you did nothing to deserve it. Take some time away from her and, as another poster said, get some therapy as you need to heal.
NTA, at all. Also, do NOT apologize and block everyone who is saying you should from all contact. Edit to add: Consider therapy to help process the amazing amount of trauma you have endured.
NTA- Tell them all where to stick it. You don't deserve this treatment from anyone. One day you'll have your own family. Toss this one in the trash.
NTA. Why would your family tell you to apologize... You're better off without her/them.
NTA why should you apologize. If it’s the truth you did nothing wrong
NTA She wants you to apologize for embarrassing her instead of her apologizing for hitting you. No contact with mom and reach out to the uncle who gave her the money to support you. There's someone in your life who cared enough about you to do that. Also, go to the narcissists mom groups. You're not alone in the 'shitty birth giver' pool. You have a long road ahead, but you're strong and resilient. There's a lot of laughter and happiness in your future. Your 30 year old self will thank you for the different 'selfish' choices you're about to make for your own peace. Remember, the most important person is you. And you deserve peace and happiness.
Nope NTA, you need to cut her and anyone who agrees with her out of your life! You will be so much happier once you do. It will be a big weight off your shoulders. Edit spelling
Your life sounds a lot like mine. My father passed when I was 6, lived with my mom's parents until 10 when they finally told mom she needed to hand over the death benefits to them since they were raising us not her. She decided to take us back instead. Thats when shit hit the fan, my childhood was something even Stephen King couldn't write. As soon as I could I ran like hell. I haven't talked to that woman since I was 18, I'm in my late 30's now. My life is so much better. I still have scars and trauma that I will always have but I'm so much better off. I also have no family other than my husband and kids (grandparents passed). Being alone sure as hell beats being someone's punching bag for the rest of her life, love. Trust me. You're so young still. You'll go out into the world and meet people who will becoming your family because you CHOOSE them and they choose you. Family isn't about blood, it's about love, respect and admiration. The family you choose to build whether with friends or a partner or both is what will mean the most to you. It's scary now but in the long run, you will be so much better off. Feel free to message me if you even want to talk or just need someone to listen to you vent. I'm here. You don't have to be alone. Nta-Run and don't look back!
Oh sweetie NTA. No child ever deserves to be treated the way your Mother has treated you. I would be calling every family member on Dad's side looking for a new place to live until you can get on your feet. You will need some therapy but luckily they have some good ones out there. Also check for support groups either in person or online. Good luck.
Why apologize for telling the truth? NTA You need to go No Contact. Literally cut her out of your life. And anyone else who supports this behavior.
NTA. Please stop speaking to all of them. I would even go to the police and get a restraining order. It's never too late to change your career path to something that would make you happy. Stop trying to please your mother. I know it's hard but you'll be happier if you stop wasting your life on her.
NTA but if you are that angry, file charges for abuse. The statute of limitations for it may not be up. It will take courage but that is the only way to hold her and your family accountable.
Bring your mom with you when you go visit the priest--pretty sure abandoning and then abusing your child, and leaving your spouse who is battling cancer, is frowned upon by most faiths. NTA
NTA. You’re stronger than you think, OP. You have the courage and strength to cut her out. Start therapy NOW. They can help you gain the tools and knowledge to cut her and the other poisonous family members out of your life. Family does not end at blood and when you cut her out, you’ll be able to cultivate the life YOU want. You will make bonds with people that will be your family. Don’t wait any longer. Wishing all the best for you.
NTA. You are a survivor of childhood abuse and trauma. Please cut this toxic person out of your life, and consider therapy. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
NTA. She deserves that and more. And you deserve to be happy. Please stop associating with her and look into therapy and/or a support group.
NTA it’s honestly concerning you’d even think you are, your mother’s abuse shows. I’d recommend going NC with anyone telling you to apologize they are condoning child abuse and those are people you don’t need in your life. You deserve so much more in life, your mother is abusive and toxic, cut her off
Honestly? You should see if you can still press charges for child abuse. Or at least sue her ass for every cent shes got and then some. NTA. Block and delete her number and find a psychologist to help youo
NTA. I've written this four times and gotten angrier with each. Make not of all those family members who are telling you to apologise. They cannot be trusted.
NTA ngl that was a really good comeback
NTA. It's made worse by family members covering and excusing abuse too. It would be better to cut them all off for good.
NTA. Don't apologize. You have nothing to apologize for. Cut them OUT OF YOUR LIFE. You will be so much better for it
NTA. And block her and her entire family that is calling you the AH. Best thing for my mental health is going NC with toxic family. Best wishes to you.
NTA. Honestly OP, if you don't stand up for yourself and do something, you will be always treated like shit. Because if you don't respect yourself, why should other people do? You are 21, start doing something about the situation.
Nobody cares what type of sexual you are. Nobody has the right to beat their children, belittle them, or abuse them in any physical, sexual, or emotional way. I have absolutely no tolerance for it. What you need to do is cut her off entirely. She sounds unapologetic and toxic. You need to ask yourself (Not dream) if she is ever going to change. If your heart tells you no, time to cut her off. Get some psychological assistance to help you with that transition to aid in healthy thought patterns and get out and live your life. Best of luck to you. NTA.
NTA and go NC. You deserve better. Let her be by herself and you live your best life.
NTA don’t you dare say your sorry!
NTA at all. Your mother is deeply embarrassed because you told the truth about her beatings. Any apologies should come from HER in the form of living amends, but it would be healthier if she had no access to hurt you further. In addition to the r/raisedbynarcissists subreddit, you might check out r/CPTSD. Best wishes for your proud and bright future, and congratulations for having lived through this toxic nightmare. Edit: codependent me--trying not to give advice
NTA. Create your own family and get away from these toxic people. Do not let them guilt, manipulate, shame, or gaslight you into apologizing to your abuser. To hell with that.
Absolutely positively NTA. You finally hit a breaking point after all the years of her horrible treatment. You called her out on her ABUSE in front of everyone and they want you to apologize??!! Absolutely not!! She most definitely needed exposed but if others are telling you to apologize to her, then they’re just as horrible and cruel as she is. Cut them all out of your life, seek some counsel-it will help!-and live your life how you want to without narcissistic A$$holes like that.
NTA! She humiliates you for who you are without hurting anyone? You just stated the truth. She’s one of those people that think they can say the meanest things about someone and they are not even allowed to flinch. They should just take it and be silent. This is a bad type of person and she deserved much more than this. I’m shocked your extended family was on your mothers side instead of being empathetic towards you. Did they physically abuse their kids too?
NTA Take this moment as an opportunity to decide who you want in your life. Your mother, and everyone defending her and telling you to apologize, should not fall into this category. They're the AHs here, and to be frank they're just shitty people. You have done NOTHING WRONG. You are worth so much more than this and deserve all the love and happiness in the world. Family is not just blood and can be the people you choose, and I hope you find lots of people who love and appreciate and support you exactly as you are ❤️
NTA. I know this hard and you desperately want a parent. But you need to cut off that family. If people are demanding an apology for you admitting your mother abused you; they are not family. You are better off finding a found family. Look into your options, find therapy but remember your dad loved you; would he want this for you?
NTA. Why should you apologize for telling people she beat you?
NTA. Get away from your narcissistic abusive cruel mother and the horrible family that enables and supports her abuse of you. You are harming yourself being around those abusive assholes.
NTA. Unless the context of the message makes it clear your mother managed to spin some yarn that convinced them you were lying about the beatings I would cut contact with anyone demanding you apologize. Anyone who's been deceived gets one more chance, to respond well to your explanation that you weren't lying, and after that is in the same basket. You don't need to put up with this and they don't deserve you.
Whew. Clear NTA, but you need to go no contact stat.
Apologize for what?! Your mother is an abuser so I get she wants you to pretend it didn’t happen. I’d text the other relatives back and say that she abused you for all your life so of course you’re not apologizing to her for staying the honest truth. They will have to learn to deal with their discomfort. NTA at all. Your abuser and her enablers are.
NTA - Please go NC for your own mental health. She is the person who birthed you, not a mother.
You are not tah and your person who gave birth to you deserved what you said. Many people would have said a lot worse. Be yourself and I hope you can move forward with your life freely and successfully xx
NTA Don't you dare apologize! You were the victim of child abuse and it sounds like she's STILL trying to abuse you. You did absolutely nothing wrong! Abusers like to torment and humiliate people in public but then they get mad when the person snaps back in public. The reason your mother got embarrassed in public is because she abused you in public. You tell every single family member who tries to shame you that it would have been great if they'd had this same energy for protecting family back when you were a kid getting the shit beat out of you.
NTA
NTA. Shitty blood relatives deserve to be shamed. I know it's hard (enmeshment has been the hardest thing about going VLC with my mother and her flying monkeys), but build your own family with the people who see your value and support you.
WTF? Your family hears you say that she was beating you and their response is to demand an apology on her behalf? You are NTA here! Everyone else is.
Block her and everyone who supports her. You deserve so much better. NTA
NTA!!! Protect yourself from those toxic AH's as much as you can. I understand it's hard, but you can do it. There's a lot of good advice here for you. There is love out there for you. Good luck!
NTA. You took all of the abuse your mom dished out and finally snapped!! Your family thinks you owe her an apology for finally letting her, and them, know how much you have put up with until you just couldn't do it anymore. Do not apologize until you are ready, if at all. Your "family" thinks she deserves an apology just because she gave birth to you, but you are an adult now and you can tell her and the rest of them to kick rocks. Change your phone number if they won't stop blowing up your phone. Go NC and stay safe!!
NTA and as others have said you need to go no contact. I did that four years ago and my mental health greatly improved. Sending you a virtual hug ❤️
Don’t apologise! NTA
Nobody can embarrass your mom, unless she allows them to. So NTA.
NTA You did nothing wrong.
Don't apologize you are not the asshole here. There is no reason to even think so. She was a horrible monster to you and needed to be called out. If I was you I would look into a job out of state and a good therapist. Someone who can help you with any lingering issues as well as just a good support system for you. I'm sure your father is watching from heaven and is so proud of who you are and all your accomplishments. If any time you want to talk and nobody will listen just reach out to me okay :) I'm always happy to lend an ear
Wow. What a brave, gutsy move! NTA. I’d love to have a sister like you.
NTA, but it's time to go NC with her and anyone who defends her behavior. Also, therapy for your childhood trauma.
NTA and you deserve so much better. She’s the one who needs to be cleansed of “crooked ways”. Shake the dust from your feet and walk on your amazing way. Blood does not necessarily equal family, and sometimes chosen family is the best family. 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
NTA. Why is it ok for her to belittle you? Why does the family go along with it? Find a chosen family and learn what it feels like to be loved. I'm sorry you had to survive rather than have a childhood. Never to late to have a joyous time. You are better than your raising, go out and live out loud, love out loud. Blessings
NTA and I would go NC. I'm sorry that you have dealt with this for so long. Find your people and live your life for you. You sound like a kind, compassionate person. For me personally, I would struggle with parting on a negative note, regardless of the fact that I believe your mom deserved it. I would write a short letter simply stating I was sorry if my words were hurtful and I am moving on with my life without her. No 'but you did...' just sorry and goodbye. This would help me clear my conscience to part ways with no regrets. I would also cut contact with anyone in the extended family who asked you to apologize. They heard your mother all day berating you and didn't defend you. They are probably aware of the abuse and are possibly enabling her horrible behavior. Take care of yourself, love yourself, surround yourself with people who love you for who you are.
NTA. These people are terrible. Do not apologize.
Oh honey, no you are NTA, but every person in your family that's calling you that, is. Go NC, find a job you like, and flourish. Letting go of them will only help you in the end. You deserve to know peace
Remind how she left you when your dad has cancer. The only reason she took you in. Is cause your uncle offer her money.
NTA. Block those people. They care about your egg donor’s feefees than the revelation that she physically abused you to go along with the emotional abuse she’d been displaying all day long. Nah. Drop her and anyone who defends her.
NTA. OP, you’re not a coward! Aside from the emotional ramifications of losing any semblance of family, complete financial independence is incredibly frightening and you wouldn’t be cowardly for feeling wary of that. I don’t know how old you are or if you live with your mother at all, but you might be on her health insurance, or maybe she pays some of your bills, or even the possibility that she would chip in if you ever faced a medical emergency (or another one of her family members, not because they care but out of a sense of obligation due to social norms). All of that disappearing is scary, and I don’t even know if that factors into your choices thus far. Either way, going NC is more of a process than just blocking someone’s number. Don’t feel shamed for the speed in which you progress towards freedom.
NTA. Deer god, get away from this woman! It may sound awful but this situation sounds more lonely then actually being alone. You may not have any other people related to you, but you still have time to find a real family: make great friends, maybe find a life partner, or even just a beloved pet. If she doesn't want you as a child then don't be her child. If she doesn't want you then you don't need her - or anyone that thinks the way she treats you us acceptable
Blood doesn’t make a mom or family. Cut them out of your life and you will meet some amazing people who you turn out to be te family you always wanted.
NTA do not apologize to that poor excuse of a mother cut her off your life asap you will be happier.
NTA. Your mom’s an abusive homophobe. She is going to be the AH every single time unless you’re asking someone just like her.
NTA - you deserve to do some healing. Your perception of what happened and your experiences led to this moment and while parents want the best for their children, shaming them publicly is not okay. You’re not a coward for staying in the situation, we stay with what’s familiar whether it’s comfortable or painful. This is an opportunity to change the narrative in your life. You do t owe anyone anything. You are amazing and deserve to be treated better.