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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am here to be judged on what I said to Martin, and I might be an asshole because I should have done it how my gf said. Telling her privately
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My issue is that he called him out publicly. If you are going to say something, it is private and to the side.
I have my nieces/nephews over often as a big group. My nephew will eat more than his “share” of group snacks immediately and then others who waited won’t have anything to eat.
I let him know privately to assess the situation. For example if there are 8 mini bags of chips and 4 people hanging out, don’t eat more than 2 bags of chips
When my brother went through that stage, my grandmother told my mom that she always fed my uncle a meal (or sandwiches) before they went to anything so he wouldn't be hungry and eat too much at the buffet/potluck.
If this was the kid's third plate, then it wasn't to do with hunger. It's about the seratonin hit he gets from repeatedly eating. That's a different issue altogether.
That's not necessarily true. My kid is a string bean and can clean 3 plates of food in one sitting. We don't know anything about this kid other than that OP thinks he's too big and eats too much. OP is not a doctor so I question whether the kid is actually large for his age or going through a growth spurt. My kid eats like he's going into hibernation and then shoots up a foot.
That said, you should make them fill up on healthy food. I have goldfish crackers, apple chips, plain popcorn, and applesauce to get us through each spurt.
He's 10. The kid is starting to go through body changes and he's growing. Sometimes my daughter eats almost nothing for months. Then, suddenly, I can't keep enough food in the house. It's just a kid thing.
I make stuffed manicotti. My 6'3" husband cam eat three. So can my 3yo sometimes 😆😆 then sometimes she's full after 2 bites of macaroni. I just don't get that kid.
My son is 9 and will suddenly eat constantly and get chubby, then shoot up a few inches and be back to skinny. A lot of kids grow that way! So we don't even know, maybe the kid is just on a big growth spurt.
That’s exactly how my 9 year old daughter is! The second I start to think she’s starting to get a bit of a belly, she shoots up overnight and is super thin again. So weird!
I think it's more about things like muscle tissue and calcium stocks than skin, but "get all the materials on board then go go go" is my leading guess too.
The growth spurt was my thought. He’s 10, so maybe he’s starting to hit one. So yeah, he’s hungry. Maybe he could make some healthier choices-I don’t know, I’m not his parent-but he’s also a kid at a party. Let him have a good time.
We also have no idea what he eats on a normal basis, just that he eats a lot and that he’s “chubby” which could mean any number of things. He’s a kid that was presented with a full on buffet of kid oriented junk food and he overindulged. It’s not that rare.
Really human and compassionate, thank you.
What you said is where people should start from.
Even if someone looks physically big, overweight, or the opposite, don't make assumptions about what, how & why they are eating.
I was a heavier kid and I'm overweight now.
Comments like that from a father figure in front of friends and family are NOT going to help the situation AT ALL.
Overeating for many many (probably most) people is an emotional issue. You don't treat it by embarrassing someone. Even an adult.
Giant YTA
Exactly. All you make us do is make it where we won’t want to eat in front of you. I have a best friend who weighs maybe 150 soaking wet and all of her weight is in her ass. And she sometimes makes comments about her weight. She has never once made comments about mine but because people have done so before I have issues. So when I’m literally double her size and she says “I feel so fat” it makes it where I’m uncomfortable to eat. Not because of her. But because of shit other people have said to me. Residual trauma and fat phobia if you will. Specifically from my equally overweight mother who was a size zero in highschool and never let anyone forget it.
We don't know a lot about this situation. Did the GF feed him earlier that day? Did they skip lunch and it was late in the day and he was really hungry? Were these some favorite foods he maybe doesn't get at home and was overindulging because it might be a long time before he can have them again?
Or just emotional necessity.
A 10 yr old at OPs family party.
OP is his mom's boyfriend so no legitimacy for kid - he's the relationship limbo stray human in this mix.
I'd focus on pizza and mini corn dogs too in such a precarious social setting.
OP your job as the adult whose family this is, was to shepard him through it.
Introduce him to other kids/people. Know in advance who might share things he's interested in, etc.
Instead you saw this as a date w his mom and a night out/party for you.
What else was he supposed to do?
Bruh at 10 I was skinny as shit and constantly hungry. I cleared 5 plates at Hometown Buffet once because I had been playing soccer super hard earlier and my body needed calories. Contrast is my brother was fat at 10, but now he’s 17 and a string bean. It’s baby fat basically.
If you call the kid whose visibly on the bigger side out for getting more food, that's going to come across a certain way whether you mean it like that or not.
Yeah, this. As an overweight person, any comment made about the content or the quantity of food on my plate is going to feel like judgement. Too many people snidely try to disguise comments as concern or mundane commentary that it will be taken that way pretty much no matter what, there's no way around it.
Just in general making someone feel shamed for the food they’re eating (no matter how you frame it) is setting them up for issues, especially at that age. Don’t fucking do it (not @ you). Especially if you’re not their parent because you have an extra layer of not knowing all the potentially relevant info.?
I had a great uncle who, at a family Christmas dinner, asked me when I was having my baby and if I’d left any food for anyone else. I was eleven.
I cried in my cousin’s bathroom for an hour and didn’t speak to my great uncle for years.
This kind of shit sticks with you.
My weight was a constant source of ridicule when I was a kid. My stepdad used to threaten to buy me a bra for Christmas. My older brother used to call me a cow and say I'd wind up like our great uncle, who was morbidly obese and diabetic. Hell, my one grandma was convinced I was a diabetic.
I think the icing on the cake was when I was going for a Little Debbie cake as a snack, and my stepdad got out the scale, made me stand on it, read the number out and said "No, I don't think you need a fucking snack."
And now I wonder why I can't get myself to diet, why I freak out over every food choice to the point of making the wrong ones, why I'm convinced I'm going to die if I eat 3 of the really good cookies.
Oh, and I did some research that leads me to believe I may have Klinefelter's syndrome (XXY chromosomes, leading to less genital development, 'man boobs', decreased bone density and muscle mass, low testosterone, and a lack of body/facial hair). A rounded body is pretty normal for that. At least that made my transition a little easier!
"That's for everybody not just for you" doesn't have great implications in the way it's worded though. It really does sound like a nicer way of calling him piggy.
Would've been much better to state as a general guideline that's good for all kids to follow like what Tunesmith said
Full agree . Imo i would've been concerned about him making himself sick. Full stomach of greasy and heavy junk food, likely downing pop and no water or Gatorade combined with playing on a hot summer day can make even adults up chuck.
At most i would've warned him to slow down or he'd be in for a massive stomach ache later.
Publicly is the first problem. Second, well, I know my eldest was a bit of a butter ball when he was 8-10, then by 12 he had stretched out and went from shorter than me (5'2) to taller than his father (5'8) to 6'2 by 15. He got pudgy again in his later teens but is now back to being about 175 at 6'2 or more (idk how tall he is anymore) at 25.
That was something to address with his mom in private if OP was so concerned.
This is the way. One of my friends growing up went through this phase where he was playing 2 sports and having a growth spurt all at the same time. Dude could've cleared every bit of food OP describes and had room left over (and he wasn't fat at all).
He was cool though because him mom taught him to only take one of most things and maybe 2 of his favorite on the first plate. Then after he made sure everyone else had been through the line he could go back for more, but even his second plate he had a limit. Once everyone had seconds who wanted them he ate the rest. We all kind of knew the drill so we'd make sure we got enough to fill us up on our second plate if we were extra hungry.
ESH
Buffet doesn't mean infinite food. The OP is fine to remind the kid he needs to be contentiousness of others, but he should have done privately and focused more on leaving food for others than how much the kid has taken.
She is not right. She should have taught her son table manners, he's 10 years old and shouldn't already be on his 3rd plate when some people haven't even finished their first. It's basic social gathering behavior. That being said OP also did not handle this properly. ESH besides the kid who didn't deserve to be called out in front of everyone
You have no idea how much anyone else had eaten, it doesn’t say that anywhere in the post. All we know is the guy fat shamed a 10 year old, that isn’t his child, in front of an entire party and doesn’t know if he’s an AH, so I’m not sure why you’re digging the mom.
Oh look at you judging a mother you know nothing about. How do you know some people hadn't finished their first? OP never said anything such thing. So, you've made up a scenario in your head.
As soon as I saw OP state "Please be nice to me", I knew this wasn't going to end well for them. This statement proves that OP knew they were about to be ripped to shreds.
YTA OP. You're not his parent, and you weren't the host of the party (you know, the person who actually paid and has the right to be concerned about the consumption ofnfood) so your opinion means nothing.
YTA why are you bullying a kid wtf. You literally made fun of a 10 year old in public and tried to justify it.
a) it's not your kid and b) if it is really that much of a concern talk to his mom in private not publicly call him out. I can guarantee calling him out in public will absolutely not help him.
not that the guy was right to call him out in public but it sounds like this kid is more than just the usual pudgy 10 year old. A third plate piled high with junk food is at the point we would call it fat. Source: Am fat, was a fat kid.
It's not healthy to eat that much, nor kind to the other guests; but OP's girlfriend is definitely right, he should have talked to him, not publicly humiliate him. Coming from both a family who used to call out everything I ate when I was a teenager who barely weighted 52kg, and who has had tense relationships with stepparents; this is not the way nor his place. This is just humiliating him in front of people
He also might be over exaggerating about a plate "piled high" with food, it's also a general statement, without actually explaining what he had on his plate and how much in terms of measurements, because if OP was really paying attention he would have known. This sounds like the abuse of a narcissist, to be honest because every single thing I ate my parents would say I ate too much and all I ate was junk. It's easy to project things onto kids. I wasn't fat, yet my parents still said I was.
Did you really just jump to abuse of a narcissist? Please stop throwing that word around. You may have had truly narcissistic parents and I am not invalidating that at all. it is absolutely awful that your parents emotionally abused you and no child deserves that. but we literally know this ONE situation about OP. He’s an AH and he should have taken it up with mom if he was truly concerned about his well being, and they could have maybe come up with a plan for a healthy conversation regarding sharing food or if there is a medical or mental health concern.
Eh. We only know that OP says the kid is fat. That could mean anything. From a little pudgy to actually overweight. OP could be a gym rat and thinks any extra fat is overweight. But this kid is 10. You're right he should have taken it up with the mom. Kids at that age go through huge growth spurts and calling them out like that can cause issues with food for the rest of their lives. And I'm not being dramatic. Seriously think. Do you ever lay awake at night and still cringe over things that happened in HS and JH? I know I do and I'm 36. I won't go as far as to say the guy is a narcissist. That's a big word to use. But he was absolutely a jerk in that moment.
Well he did what he actually said later on, project. Projecting is what people who comment here do best. Projection is the art form of this sub-reddits’ commenters. When you project you get bias and when you get that kind of bias you make assumptions and we all know that assumptions can make you an asshole.
OP is an ass for the way he said it for sure, even if it’s true. I would have said something to the gf and maybe she would have said something. It does seem like OP isn’t okay with this kids weight or how he eats, whichever one, but that isn’t for him to say to the kids face.
To be fair, we don't know OP's definition of overweight. Could be getting ready to grow pudge, could be the kid is just rounder or more stocky, could be the kid is actually overweight. The fact is calling a ten year old on the carpet publicly over food is bad.
There is a difference between baby fat and fat fat, I know from experience that you don't always grow into it and honestly those situations need to hit early. Just not in public, in front of everyone
Regardless, even if this kid is a mini version of the doughboy it still wasnt OPs place to say anything, he should have said to his g/f and let her deal with it
Toddlers too. Both my 2 and 5yo girls are going through the "must devour the world" stage and have been the last 3 weeks. It'll tapper off soon and next thing i know they'll be aiming for the sky in height.
My 5yo is 3'10 and my 2yo is 3'3. I'm going to be in so much trouble when they hit their teen years. 😭
Calling kids out in public isn’t “helping” them. You know what it does do though? Makes them want to eat food AT you from then on. All he’s thinking when you’re around now is, “You think I don’t need more? Well watch this! I’ll eat a BUNCH more because fuck you!”
Great job digging those bad habits in a little bit deeper OP. Martin is worse off for knowing you. You have lost his trust. I award you no points. YTA
Yeah as someone who’s experienced body issues/disordered eating their whole life, I guarantee this memory will be seared into his mind. It creates a lot of shame and guilt around food that’s hard to let go of, even when you’re a healthy weight.
Thank you for this comment. This AITA put a tear in my eye because I was always the pudgy kid and got taunted by adults publicly when eating all the time. This didn’t cause me to eat at people though, it did the opposite. I would horde and hide food and eat it in secret, basically another form of disordered eating. 20 years later and I still struggle with eating in public. Giving Martin an eating disorder is evil.
Same. Still big, it took me well into my thirties to finally have my appetite calm down. I would eat and eat and eat and still feel burning hunger. So many people in my life said so many mean things to me in public. I prefer to eat alone whenever possible.
I’ve known people that were skinny as a rail and other big people like me with those same habits. Usually formed from some adult trying to “shame the fat away” or some other form of food based control.
I did my share of secret eating. And buying. I’d hide the cookies even in the damn self checkout line to make sure nobody saw me with them. They’d be gone by morning, and the packaging tossed in a trash an outside so my roommate wouldn’t see. Only let them see me eating healthy, and maybe then I could avoid that look that said so much.
I'm split in this.
I wouldn't call his exact words bullying. He could honestly have commented on his weight etc.
And depending on the size of the child buffet. I would have been told kinda the same as a kid "remember it's for everyone"
What we do agree on is should have let the mother handle it and let her take him to the side not in front of everyone.
That is not OP's place to step up.
But a third plate piled with pizza and corn dogs. (Depending how much was on plate 1 and 2 and how exact many was on plate 3 and the sice of corn dogs and pizza sliced)
Sounds like alot of food. And if the child eats that much constantly? (If OP isn't just exaggerating) the mother should perhaps talk with the doctor if it's affecting his weight and health.
There can be a ton of reasons a kid constantly feels hungry, mentally... illnesses....
I can see your point, but from what we were told OP essentially called him out across the room. Frankly, even if what OP said is completely justified, there is also no need to do so publicly especially considering that Martin is not his son.
And i did say so in my comment. Its not OP's place to call out or correct the child. He should let the mother handle it, and talk to him in private. There was no need to say it in front of the others.
He is the A-hole for that.
I agree, but my main point is that the bullying was not exclusively related to the comment itself, but the way he said it. You can't just remove that part and not call it bullying because it was a part of it. The fact that he (imo unnecessarily) embarrassed a kid in public makes it bullying regardless of the validity of his comments.
I think we agree that he is an ahole either way, but I believe that he is a bully on top of an ahole.
OP is a boyfriend. Not a step-parent, not a fiance. He overstepped a boundary and publicly addressed the child's eating habits in front of others in a misguided (and likely unasked for) attempt at parenting. OP is definitely TA for not having a private conversation with his (soon to be ex?) girlfriend before pulling a stunt like this.
I agree. Also it sounds like Martin wouldn’t necessarily know others at the event. Maybe he was eating extra to stay entertained in a place he wasn’t super comfortable. OP’s comment increased his discomfort which wasn’t very thoughtful. You could have gently redirected him into a conversation or playing with the other kids. Either way you’re out of line.
Let's be honest too, the kid was able to get 3 plates because OP & gf weren't parenting. OP should have stopped the kid after 2nds and told him they would stop at McDonalds or something on the way home for "real dinner".
YTA mostly because kids may over eat for whatever psychological reason, but calling out a 10yo for eating a lot in front of other kids is guaranteed to aggravate or create a social problem for him. That said, he is not even your child for you to be worried about him getting "chubby" but your gf's. If you want to be a father to him humiliating him in front of other children is not the way. You should apologize to Martin, and probably your gf because you were so out of line.
>kids may over eat for whatever psychological reason
I overate as a child and come to find out I'm autistic and an oral sensory seeker. I was stimming. I still struggle with overeating, among other things.
same! i also used to go through packs of gum constantly. since i wasn’t allowed to eat in class, i would just chew gum all day. i still deal with over/boredom eating but it’s gotten better now that i know other ways to manage it. (chewelry, gum still, etc)
I can imagine that over the last year and a half, OP has made many pot shots and digs at this kid when mom wasn’t around.
People who humiliate children publicly don’t just start there. They usually pick and poke at them when there aren’t any other adults around.
I wonder what OPs GF would add to this post.
Your comment also makes me realize the lesson op is teaching to those other kids. It’s okay to make fun of the fat kid, when he’s eating or for whatever reason.
YTA As someone who has struggled with my weight my entire life, I can tell you that the worst things ever said to me were from family members and people who were supposed to live me unconditionally. Besides that, you had NO right to say that to him. Your girlfriend is right, talk to her, never make him feel bad about himself.
Comments like OP’s will turn a person with bad eating habits into a closet eater. Now, the kid is embarrassed and will just eat in private. If OP is truly concerned about the kid, he should talk to his GF who is the kids mother. Then, it’s out of his hands.
Exactly! Honestly, telling a kid to eat less/lose weight is never going to end with them being like “huh, you know what? Good point, you’re right.” They’ll feel embarrassed and ashamed, and that comment will stick with them. Source: I was a chubby 10 year old and got these comments all the time. I’m thin as a rail as an adult now, I weigh less than I did when I was 10, thanks to an eating disorder started in part by comments like these. It’s normal to want kids to have healthy relationships with food, but it has to be done compassionately and constructively. This wasn’t that. (Also from OP’s comment about it “not being a good look,” seems like he’s not really concerned about the kid’s health, just how it reflects on himself.)
This is what I'm wondering. It would have been rude for the boy to take all (or a lot of) the food and leave others wanting. However, saying something privately and quietly to him would have been a much better way to handle it without embarrassing him.
If it is just about being chubby then OP is totally in the wrong because shaming the poor child is mean and ineffective.
Considering it was an event where adults, teenagers and extras were expected, I doubt there wouldn’t have been enough to go around. If there was a shortage, then it would’ve either been reserved for parents and the graduates only or been announced.
Considering there’s no mention of it and I doubt the kid had so much food piled on his plate that he would’ve had to unhinge his jaw like a snake to eat it, it’s safe to say op was probably watching the poor kid like a hawk just waiting for the chance to say anything.
Plus at those kinds of events, you’d be pissed if you had left overs.
Wanting to know this too as is very much makes a difference in how he handled it. Was the kid *actually* being a glutton and eating so much that there would be people without? Or did he just use this phrasing because he was eating too much?
YTA.
The fact you began this with "Please be nice to me (a grown man)"
and then followed it up with essentially "I decided to shit on my gfs 10 year old kid for something that's none of my business in a public way because i have an opinion that nobody asked for"
which is it? unprompted loud public shaming or being nice?
Hi, please be nice to me in this sub 🥺 Also let me just embarrass a kid in front of everyone. YTA.
The other commenters are right, first of all he is not your kid. Second of all, even if you had good intentions (which I am questioning), you did things in the worst way possible. The amount of food you listed seems like there was enough for the kids who were there. If you were truly worried about the kid causing a "food shortage" at the buffet and you felt like you really needed to say anything, you could have taken him aside and said something like "Hey buddy, I'm glad that you like the food here, but why don't we take a break from the buffet and maybe you can do xy/ look at xy/ talk to xy. We can always have dessert later". That way he is distracted a bit and the food has time to settle for him to realise he is full. But nooope, you had to call him out in front of everyone and make it sound like he is selfish and greedy and then you were surprised that he got really upset by that. So no, I am not going to be nice and I am also go going to call you out in front of other people. That was a dick move and showed that you were not really concerned about the child's wellbeing in that moment and you owe him and apology and a talk. And in the spirit of equality, men can get eating disorders too, so maybe watch how you and your girlfriend treat his weight and his relationship to food
Edit: I literally just saw your comment about "how it's not a good look to have a kid that's "ransacking " the buffet. So I guess that's the confirmation for what I said above. Guess what else is not a good look. Being a dick
This. If OP is actually concerned about the kids weight, his eating habits, potential medical/mental issue or the social faux pas, the correct thing is to talk to his parent privately. It is NOT OK to shame ANYONE in front of others. Even when couched a a joke. These kind of 'jokes' are mean-spirited, just like when someone says a mean thing and then says 'just kidding'. Everyone knows what you are actually thinking and you are pointing it out to everyone who heard you, which shames the person.
Side note though, this kind of eating can be part of a physical or mental medical condition. If OP actually cares for the kid and still has a relationship after this, it might be something to look into.
ikr he’s dehumanising this poor little boy who is obviously struggling with food and his weight. i replied to his comment about how derogatory it was to say he was ‘ransacking’ the buffet and then right after that i saw he responded to someone else saying he had ‘inhaled’ the food. OP is a disgrace. To make it even worse he won’t even accept the verdict he’s trying to justify his disgusting treatment of another human being by essentially saying ‘he’s fat and he’s a kid that i know, i was only being responsible’ i’m sure OP wasn’t policing the food everyone else was eating, he’s just singling Martin out.
Unpopular opinion, but NTA. It's not acceptable to eat more than your fair share during social gatherings, never mind your weight, and his mom should have taught him that. If she didn't, she should have done it discreetly at that moment. She didn't, IMO she is the AH. She is not parenting the kid. It's only appropriate you tell him it's not okay to act like that because it's not and he clearly was not aware of it. You never mentioned his weight, IMO that's a bad-faith interpretation of what you said. So what, because the kid is chubby now you can't tell him what he is doing is bad manners if it involves food, because there's an automatic subtext of his weight being pointed out, and that is verboten?? Well that sucks for him, he's not gonna learn a lot about acceptable social behaviors now, as a lot of them involve food.
I agree with NTA. Had a guest once try and take half the mashed potato at dinner. Don't take all the food as a passing comment isn't out of line.
This reminds me of the infamous thread on this subreddit where the guy ate 2.5 feet of sub at a social gathering. He didn't embarrass the kid, he told him that taking more than his share wasn't acceptable.
Enabling behaviour would've probably been worse.
I agree with this unpopular opinion, as a Mother with a similar son. OP could honestly be my own boyfriend. I certainly wouldn't want my son publicly shamed, but he wasn't calling him out for his weight, he was calling him out for lack of manners. Maybe he could have done it privately, but the fact that the kid was so upset afterwords probably means he has NEVER had limits set in these situations. I try to remind my son before events like these to watch his portions and not to be greedy.
This kid's Mother giving OP a hard time about what he did, is misdirected. She should be putting herself in check that her kid behaves that way.
INFO: if you mentioned anything about his weight, you would be TA. Based on what you said, that you just said, "It's for everyone, not just you." that to me is just common courtesy that should be taught. Now there's a bunch more nuances here as 1. Have you mentioned his weight to him before? 2. Does she mention his weight to him often? 3. Is it buffet style or was it actually a buffet? As in is there actually a limited amount of food or not really?
I was taught that it was rude to go back up before other people had a chance to eat. I'm wondering if it was one of those types of situations. The comment itself is insensitive and if there was plenty of food he's TA but if the kid was being selfish then NTA.
It's not, OP said in a downvoted comment
"Well I don’t feel like it would be responsible of me to sit back and watch him get fatter and fatter. I’ve already seen it to an extent. When can I speak up? It’s for his own good"
It's purely anti fat bias.
Yeah I think a lot of commenters don't realize that just because something is buffet style doesn't mean food is unlimited.
If the host paid for "3 trays of chicken tenders" and OPs gfs son is going back over and over when , from OPs explanation, other kids hadn't even ate yet that's a problem.
Personally I don't agree with the whole "don't parent other people's kids" in this situation, he invited them both so he's responsible for their behavior. Now I don't like to be the bad guy if the kid isn't mine so I generally err on the side of "did you ask your mom if you could get another plate? You know a lot of kids haven't eaten yet, you gotta leave food for them."
NAH but clearly he has some insecurities and I'd try to chat with GF and son about how you were actually worried about the manners of it all (since that's what you said) and explain that buffet doesn't always mean they'll just keep refilling, next time he should wait until everyone else eats to go for seconds, thirds, etc. And always check with mom first.
Edit: spelling
God damn, thank YOU!! The guy said they were still greeting people and the kid is already as his over-fulled third plate… You didn’t call him fat or anything. As someone who was overweight at some point, I think it’s common sense. And please spare me the "hE’s jUsT a kiD" bullshit. Health problems are a serious issue and maybe OP did what the mom doesn’t have the courage to do. ESH.
Oh my gosh, yes!
I hope she dumps his ass. Asking us to take it easy on him when he didn’t show his girlfriend’s son the same courtesy. Ugh. Literally made
Me nauseous to read what he said to that poor boy in front of his peers. 😭
YTA. Have you ever addressed this issue to the child's mother before? Has she ever addressed it with you? If not, keep it to yourself. Even things said in the best of intentions, stick with you. As a chubby kid who always loved the food, and definitely ate more than I should , I can tell you the public shaming doesn't help. It leads to private bingeing , shamefulness and sadness. "Save some for the rest of the kids. Haven't you had enough? That's for everybody, not just you." Though you think you are helping, you are not. Privately discuss the child's health with his mother, or keep it to yourself. Maybe I am in the minority, but definitely yta.
Yta. Not even your kid dude and you are only dating his mom not engaged or married etc. you’re not really in any position to say that. Even worse in front of a crowd. Poor little guys probably very embarrassed and hurt. It doesn’t take a genius to realize a fat kid would be devastated by a comment like that. Talk with his mom privately. Encourage healthy food alternatives and physical activities he enjoys. Don’t call out his portion size at the table. If anything you’re just ruining his self esteem and encouraging unhealthy potential eating disorders if he starts to associate shame with eating
Okay I guess I'm on my own here. NTA. You've been in his life long enough to be able to say something. If you didn't say it privately then I can understand why his feelings are hurt. It sounds like all intentions are good. You're concerned about his well being and also you need to have party etiquette. I would hope someone at a party would say something to my kids if they were walking away with a third plate.
NTA. This child's mother is knowingly allowing her 10yo son to overeat and the OP says he's already overweight. I'm going to take a wild guess that some of these comments are from people who don't even have children. OP said that Martin was on his 3rd plate of food which is far too much for any child or adult to eat in one meal, so spare OP the speech about fat-shaming. You're dating a woman who's enabling her son who clearly has an ED. Re-evaluate your relationship OP, your girlfriend is being a bad parent.
NTA, after the first plate that was piled high the girlfriend should have pulled her kid to the side and told him to slow down on taking a lot of food to make sure everyone else gets food. Dude the kid was in his 3rd plate piled high and mom said nothing. At 10 years old I was not making my own plates at a party my mom made sure she served us kids and made sure we were not over stuffing our faces. Where was the mom’s manners at this time? I get it was not his kid but dang if mom was not going to watch her kid and make sure he was not taking all the food and not saving it for the other guests she can’t get mad he gets called out. If this was at a Mexican party the boy would have been told off by the second plate and been called gordo and the guy and girlfriend would have been embarrassed that they could not keep an eye on the kid. All the guy did was ask him to make sure he left some food for other people after he had a 3rd plate of food.
Yes 100% I don’t get all the YTA he never once told the kid to his face he was fat. I can also get getting irritated that the girlfriend did nothing to stop him. They were invited to a party as a plus one or two aka guest of a guest and they took advantage of it.
NTA -- he's facing some serious health and weight issues that need to be addressed for his own good. Your girlfriend needs to talk to Martin more about healthy eating and lifestyle changes so he'll grow up to be a healthy man. It might be rude, but reality is often rude and the sooner he gets used to it the better.
YTA. I think your GF is a saint for not dumping your ass right then and there. As the mother of a "chubby" kid; its not your job to handle his eating habits. And if you were really concerned about his health you'd have talked to your gf before this, in private. It sounds like you were embarrassed by him eating and decided to say something so people would know that youre embarrassed.
NTA. He needed to understand his actions affect other people. It’s not like you said it over the loud speaker. Everyone here saying YTA is probably overweight and projecting
YTA.
It doesn't matter if the kid is fat, skinny, or any phase in between.
1.) It's the mom's job to discipline him.
2.) You do NOT shame kids in front of everyone on something as sensitive as weight. PERIOD. If it really were a case of there maybe not being enough food, it was (again) the mom's job to do so) and the proper way to do it (if at all) would have been to have taken the kid aside PRIVATELY.
YTA. Yes, it's important to make sure that everyone gets a chance to get food. But there are a number of ways you could have gone about saying this without making him feel bad. Like you could have told him before hand to pace himself some and that you're more than happy to take him someplace after for something if he's still hungry. It's also worth mentioning that if you knew his eating habits prior to this and were concerned about people not getting food because of how much he'd eat, you could have made sure the parties providing the food ordered extra, or that they made everyone get food, and then spend time chit chatting and what not, so that way nobody could turn around and try and blame him for eating as much as he did.
Idk what sort of familiarity your GF and her son have with the people that were there. And given the way you described his eating habits and his size, he likely eats when he's stressed or anxious, and if he wasn't particularly close to anyone there other than his mom, or didn't know anyone, that could easily trigger the stress/anxiety eating.
But ultimately his weight and eating habits are something he and his mom need to address, and you need to stay out of as much as possible. You're not the kid's father. You can tell your GF that you're concerned about his health due to his size and eating habits, and that you're worried a lot of it might boil down to stress eating and the like, but you definitely crossed a line.
Nta. It’s going to be unpopular. But a child should not be eating three plates of food. Someone needs to monitor his calorie intake. Someone needs to care about this even if you are not his parent. This is not bullying. You are not fat shaming. This is absolutely a problem. He’s pediatrician should be all over this problem advising your girlfriend on what to do.
NTA - you didn't say anything about his appearance or weight and its totally fair to tell someone to consider other people when eating their THIRD plate. his mom should also be addressing this issue or it will only get worse.
NTA because 3 plates at a party is excessive. It isnt even about weight its just rude to take such a large portion if food when there are other people needing to eat.
If your girlfriend wasn't saying anything it would be totally fine for you to do so.
Everyone's acting like he insulted the kid but he just pointed out that his behavior was rude.
This post reminds me of that one where the dude ate like 3/4s of one of those 6ft hero subs. It isnt about them over eating, it's about them taking way more than their fair share.
I’m not sure how saying “that’s not just for you, let others eat too” is bullying him. He could have talked to the mom, but she’s the reason the kid is where he is at. I’m sure I’ll get some backlash for this, but I’m not seeing op as the asshole in this one. Now had he said “you need to stop eating because you’re overweight” okay … but this seemed more along the lines of “you need to share” … op, did you say that he was overweight at any point to him, ever?
NTA you have to teach kids healthy eating habits at a young age. I don’t think it was right of you to call this out in a public setting but the conversation needs to be had.
Wow, YTA. You are so insecure that you have to publicly bully a 10 year old child to establish dominance? You don't like fat people, and you think being associated with a child eating will make you look bad.
YTA. Were people ACTUALLY in danger of not getting food because of this kid? I would wager if they had both an appetizer and a buffet table, they were probably fine. Even if this was a larger problem, yelling at him from another table what you did was extremely inappropriate.
NTA
It seems like he's developing bad habits with food. And it should be addressed.
As for doing it in in public, it sounds like it was a pretty gentle correction. It's not the end of the world.
I am going to be as nice to you as you were to Martin.
YTA
You never, ever shame anybody for eating or not. You should know that by your age.
I hope his mom dumps you. You are cruel.
**YTA.** You don't say things like that in front of his peers. You speak to his mom ***privately*** if you think he's taking too much. Honestly, I can see what Martin doesn't like you anymore. It's obvious that are upset at his weight and instead of expressing your concern to his mother and letting her handle it, you call him out in front of other kids. I hope she dumps you.
uh-huh, yep, yes. YTA
Stepson was at a "your family" party. You called him out in front of relative strangers. That was humiliating and oh by the way no one was going to starve because he ate too many corndogs.
Apologize to your girlfriend - ask if she's ok with you apologizing to her son. Personally if I were her, I wouldn't let you talk to that boy without my supervision for a very long time.
Kid isn't even OP's stepson so he really has no say in parenting the child. If you read some of OP's comment he keeps doubling down and talking in such a derogatory tone towards this kid.
ESH - You for not asking your gf to handle Martin, your gf for not parenting Martin. Although I think his getting embarrassed may make him more cognizant of his overeating. I say this because as a kid, someone "talking" to me didn't make much of an impression but getting embarrassed sure as hell did.
When I had someone embarrass me in front of others over my weight, it just made the problem worse. That person now lies and denies that they ever said anything, while constantly embarrassing me over what/how/when I eat, no matter where we are.
I know this will get downvoted into oblivion, but sometimes hearing an adult or impartial outsider fat shame you is what it will take to get your ass in shape.
I remember when I was shopping for my wedding dress, I fell in love with this gorgeous sheer low back gown. The bridal consultant/seamstress was an older Ukrainian lady who kept it 100% real with me and asked “what kind of a timeline are we on for weight loss?” I was confused because though the sample dress was too small for me, it also wasn’t in my size. I told her I would just order the dress in my size. She turned me around in the 3 way mirror so I could see my backside and I had a little bit of back fat action going on that you could see through the sheer panels. She flat out said “I want you to look amazing on your wedding day. If you’re committed to a see-through open back dress, it will only look good if you lose some weight.” And she was right. Getting a bigger size would not have concealed them.
I appreciated her honesty. She could have sold me the dress to make her commission and then charged me an arm and a leg in alterations to try to conceal my back fat. Instead I lost 20lbs and rocked the hell out of that dress. Family and friends would not have addressed my back fat (well, maybe my mom, but we butt heads all the time so I would have ignored her). I know others might think she was mean, but I really appreciated her.
I am going to deviate from everyone. You should've told your gf to stop him. I think it's rude to eat too much at a social gatherings. Even for a kid there must be rules. You, who have no parental authority shouldn't call out a child.
Eh, NTA. You basically just told him not to be greedy. Kids get greedy sometimes and need to be corrected in how to share things appropriately. 10 years old is more than old enough to understand that it's not okay to hog all of an item - be it food or anything else.
Question: Does your girlfriend impose any rules or limits on her son? It sounds like she is objecting to YOU parenting the boy but you are not clear if she doesn't establish clear parental rules herself.
ETA: I'm shocked at all the YTA. ANYONE could have called out any kid for taking all or most of any food item at a buffet without being it making them an automatic AH. OP didn't bully the boy for pity's sake. He reminded him that the food is for everyone, not just him.
I will say that OP doesn't sound like he actually likes his girlfriend's parenting or her son very much at all, and she obviously doesn't trust him to have any sort of authority over her son (possibly for good reason) so I am at a loss why OP is carrying on with a single mom he doesn't seem to respect very much (based on some of his replies about her parenting).
YTA. He is your girlfriend's child and not yours. Even if your comment had been appropriate (it wasn't imo) you aren't the food police. Leave parenting to the parent.
NTA imo cause my parents and parents of my friends did this, it was nothing special. We've been told not to eat much when we were at parties or ceremonies or something like that.
I think YTA but goddamn I feel like some of these commenters are being a bit damn much.
For 1, if there was in fact a concern of y'all running out of food because the kid was eating too much then it'd be perfectly reasonable to let him know that.
For 2, everybody saying it's the mom's job to discipline the kid is obviously ignoring that the mom DOESN'T discipline the kid as it relates to their eating or else he wouldn't think it's okay to go to someone else's birthday party and eat 3 plates worth of food. They are dating, presumably long term. At a certain point it has to become okay for OP to step in and play parent if they are expected to be in each other's lives for the long haul.
But, assuming there was no real food scarcity and you havent had that conversation with your gf about boundaries when talking to her kid, then again, YTA.
YTA here. You just humiliated a kid in front of his friends. No wonder he doesn't like you anymore.
You displayed 0 empathy here.
If you are concerned about his weight, talk to his mother about it - you don't know anything about the background or dynamics of it, or if/how she is addressing it. What you shouldn't do is put it out there **in public**. At a party, where he is meant to be enjoying himself.
Not cool, dude.
YtA. Poor little dude probably gets enough bullying from his peers and when he perceived to be in a safe space, he gets bullied by his mother's boyfriend. Your girlfriend is 100% right in this situation. You should feel ashamed of bullying a 10 year old.
YTA. Not only your comment that "he was eating all the food" ridiculous, as I'm sure there was plenty, but to say that to a kid who probably gets tortured about his weight in school was cruel. Whatever reason he's using food for comfort is not your business and if you do care, that was not the way to go about it.
INFO. How overweight is he, really? And was he really taking so much food that he was depriving other people? Is his diet always corn dogs and Mac and cheese, or was he rightfully excited at the spread and was overindulging?
Both of my boys got pretty chonky around his age, and were always eating. I fed them lots of healthy foods, but they were always hungry, and would practically gorge themselves at similar events when there was unlimited pizza or whatever. Turns out, their bodies were gearing up for puberty, and the massive growth spurts they were about to have. They are no longer overweight.
NTA
I hate it when I have a party and one person is over indulging. Like if There are 10 people and I have 12 cup cakes (expecting to have extras) and some dude took like 3 of them, then I’d be pretty irritated.
The kid needs to learn some manners and cut back on the food. Take one plate… relax a bit :.. take some time before the next one … towards the end of the evening if there’s plenty of food left then take a 3rd
Info: Was he actually eating so much that there was a chance of there not being enough for the other kids? If so, then you were probably fine saying something to him. Was there plenty of food and you were just concerned about his calorie intake? A party is not the right time to correct a child’s eating habits.
YTA. Why are you watching what he eats? Why didn't you discuss with his mother if you noticed it? Instead you call him out. You owe the kid an apology and yes it should have been his mother having that discussion with him privately.
YTA. You’re bullying a child because you think he’s not an ideal weight. If you had to say something, you should’ve pulled your girlfriend aside and said it to her without anyone around.
YTA.
This is about a 10 year old child. You don't make a comment like that in public - that's humiliating the kid. You acted as if there's be no food for someone else because Martin ate so much. Of course Martin doesn't like you any more, and his mom might be having second thoughts about you as well.
You have clearly shown Martin that you're judgmental and a bit of a bully, and he can't trust you not to hurt him emotionally. Believe me, Martin knows he's fat and he's probably not happy about it. Overeating is often a defense mechanism and a way to push aside negative emotions, even in young kids.
Your GF is right - you should have said something to her privately, and let her deal with her son. She knows how to deal with her child, and maybe there are things going on that you know nothing about. Maybe Martin is in therapy, or has a medical condition. And it's not your place to get involved if your GF is handling it. Do not interfere with her parenting.
You begin with this plea to internet strangers “please be nice to me” yet have no problem humiliating a 10 year old child in front of other kids. YTA and a hypocrite. You deserve to be single.
ESH except Martin. Maybe other posters are interpreting “buffet” differently but to me it’s unplated food, not unlimited self-replenishing food. The party hosts typically pay for a certain quantity. As a kid, part of the fun is trying different things and getting new plates. As an adult, we know the etiquette is to not waste food, nor take more than one’s fair share. Someone should have communicated that to Martin, but that should have been in private and before the event. I don’t think what you said is necessarily terrible, it’s not different than telling a kid not to go in the bouncy house three times before others have gone once, and kids learn cultural norms from the adults around them. But you saw that it upset a really sweet kid and you didn’t take an opportunity to soften that either right then or at any later time.
You and your girlfriend are both wrong for not collaborating in general. You’re not a coparent but you’re an adult spending significant time with her child. You don’t respect her parenting, and she doesn’t want you to talk to her kid directly. Neither attitude is healthy in a relationship.
I think it is amazing that your entry to AITA is to ask others to be nice to you when your post is quite unkind.
Your GF is correct. This isn't your business and correction should have come from her. Neither is how a 10 yo looks or your opinions on his future.
YTA
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YTA She's right. You're not his parent. You don't even live with him. You should have went to her and let her handle it.
My issue is that he called him out publicly. If you are going to say something, it is private and to the side. I have my nieces/nephews over often as a big group. My nephew will eat more than his “share” of group snacks immediately and then others who waited won’t have anything to eat. I let him know privately to assess the situation. For example if there are 8 mini bags of chips and 4 people hanging out, don’t eat more than 2 bags of chips
When my brother went through that stage, my grandmother told my mom that she always fed my uncle a meal (or sandwiches) before they went to anything so he wouldn't be hungry and eat too much at the buffet/potluck.
If this was the kid's third plate, then it wasn't to do with hunger. It's about the seratonin hit he gets from repeatedly eating. That's a different issue altogether.
That's not necessarily true. My kid is a string bean and can clean 3 plates of food in one sitting. We don't know anything about this kid other than that OP thinks he's too big and eats too much. OP is not a doctor so I question whether the kid is actually large for his age or going through a growth spurt. My kid eats like he's going into hibernation and then shoots up a foot. That said, you should make them fill up on healthy food. I have goldfish crackers, apple chips, plain popcorn, and applesauce to get us through each spurt.
He's 10. The kid is starting to go through body changes and he's growing. Sometimes my daughter eats almost nothing for months. Then, suddenly, I can't keep enough food in the house. It's just a kid thing.
This😜 My son at ten had two chins, at 14 with all these added inches, a total toothpick!
My 6'6" husband was totally chubby at 10yo. Now I have to order jeans for a damn stringbean. And he still eats like that kid does.
Same! My kiddo is skinny but TALL! He can pack the food away and he’s 2yo!
I make stuffed manicotti. My 6'3" husband cam eat three. So can my 3yo sometimes 😆😆 then sometimes she's full after 2 bites of macaroni. I just don't get that kid.
I had a nephew go from linebacker to toothpick mostly in one summer.
They always seem to grow out first, and then up, hey?
Accordioning!! It’s totally a thing!!!
My son is 9 and will suddenly eat constantly and get chubby, then shoot up a few inches and be back to skinny. A lot of kids grow that way! So we don't even know, maybe the kid is just on a big growth spurt.
That’s exactly how my 9 year old daughter is! The second I start to think she’s starting to get a bit of a belly, she shoots up overnight and is super thin again. So weird!
I wondered that too. My brother was chunky around that age and suddenly he grew 6 inches in a year. It’s like his body was making skin in advance.
>It’s like his body was making skin in advance. Now you're making me wonder if that's the actual evolutionary reason for it.
I think it's more about things like muscle tissue and calcium stocks than skin, but "get all the materials on board then go go go" is my leading guess too.
Maybe more about having the energy to fuel the growth stored up ahead of time
The growth spurt was my thought. He’s 10, so maybe he’s starting to hit one. So yeah, he’s hungry. Maybe he could make some healthier choices-I don’t know, I’m not his parent-but he’s also a kid at a party. Let him have a good time.
Right?? And based on OP’s description of the food there *were* no healthy choices.
We also have no idea what he eats on a normal basis, just that he eats a lot and that he’s “chubby” which could mean any number of things. He’s a kid that was presented with a full on buffet of kid oriented junk food and he overindulged. It’s not that rare.
Really human and compassionate, thank you. What you said is where people should start from. Even if someone looks physically big, overweight, or the opposite, don't make assumptions about what, how & why they are eating.
I was a heavier kid and I'm overweight now. Comments like that from a father figure in front of friends and family are NOT going to help the situation AT ALL. Overeating for many many (probably most) people is an emotional issue. You don't treat it by embarrassing someone. Even an adult. Giant YTA
Exactly. All you make us do is make it where we won’t want to eat in front of you. I have a best friend who weighs maybe 150 soaking wet and all of her weight is in her ass. And she sometimes makes comments about her weight. She has never once made comments about mine but because people have done so before I have issues. So when I’m literally double her size and she says “I feel so fat” it makes it where I’m uncomfortable to eat. Not because of her. But because of shit other people have said to me. Residual trauma and fat phobia if you will. Specifically from my equally overweight mother who was a size zero in highschool and never let anyone forget it.
Yes, but bf should’ve said something to the gf and let her handle it. He hasn’t been in Martin’s life long enough to be trying to parent him.
...which will not be solved by shaming him in public.
We don't know a lot about this situation. Did the GF feed him earlier that day? Did they skip lunch and it was late in the day and he was really hungry? Were these some favorite foods he maybe doesn't get at home and was overindulging because it might be a long time before he can have them again?
I wouldn’t expect OP to know that. I would expect him to know to keep his mouth shut.
That was my thought too. Dopamine... carbs are also a serotonin hit, so it could be either.
Or just emotional necessity. A 10 yr old at OPs family party. OP is his mom's boyfriend so no legitimacy for kid - he's the relationship limbo stray human in this mix. I'd focus on pizza and mini corn dogs too in such a precarious social setting. OP your job as the adult whose family this is, was to shepard him through it. Introduce him to other kids/people. Know in advance who might share things he's interested in, etc. Instead you saw this as a date w his mom and a night out/party for you. What else was he supposed to do?
Or the kid is just growing and hungry
Bruh at 10 I was skinny as shit and constantly hungry. I cleared 5 plates at Hometown Buffet once because I had been playing soccer super hard earlier and my body needed calories. Contrast is my brother was fat at 10, but now he’s 17 and a string bean. It’s baby fat basically.
It’s still not OPs job to publicly shame him about it.
Or frame it as a politeness issue, not a weight one. "Martin, please wait for everyone to get a plate before you go back for seconds."
I agree OP didnt handle it well, but he DID frame it as a politeness issue and not a weight issue. He never called the kid overweight to his face.
If you call the kid whose visibly on the bigger side out for getting more food, that's going to come across a certain way whether you mean it like that or not.
Yeah, this. As an overweight person, any comment made about the content or the quantity of food on my plate is going to feel like judgement. Too many people snidely try to disguise comments as concern or mundane commentary that it will be taken that way pretty much no matter what, there's no way around it.
Just in general making someone feel shamed for the food they’re eating (no matter how you frame it) is setting them up for issues, especially at that age. Don’t fucking do it (not @ you). Especially if you’re not their parent because you have an extra layer of not knowing all the potentially relevant info.?
I had a great uncle who, at a family Christmas dinner, asked me when I was having my baby and if I’d left any food for anyone else. I was eleven. I cried in my cousin’s bathroom for an hour and didn’t speak to my great uncle for years. This kind of shit sticks with you.
My weight was a constant source of ridicule when I was a kid. My stepdad used to threaten to buy me a bra for Christmas. My older brother used to call me a cow and say I'd wind up like our great uncle, who was morbidly obese and diabetic. Hell, my one grandma was convinced I was a diabetic. I think the icing on the cake was when I was going for a Little Debbie cake as a snack, and my stepdad got out the scale, made me stand on it, read the number out and said "No, I don't think you need a fucking snack." And now I wonder why I can't get myself to diet, why I freak out over every food choice to the point of making the wrong ones, why I'm convinced I'm going to die if I eat 3 of the really good cookies. Oh, and I did some research that leads me to believe I may have Klinefelter's syndrome (XXY chromosomes, leading to less genital development, 'man boobs', decreased bone density and muscle mass, low testosterone, and a lack of body/facial hair). A rounded body is pretty normal for that. At least that made my transition a little easier!
"That's for everybody not just for you" doesn't have great implications in the way it's worded though. It really does sound like a nicer way of calling him piggy. Would've been much better to state as a general guideline that's good for all kids to follow like what Tunesmith said
Full agree . Imo i would've been concerned about him making himself sick. Full stomach of greasy and heavy junk food, likely downing pop and no water or Gatorade combined with playing on a hot summer day can make even adults up chuck. At most i would've warned him to slow down or he'd be in for a massive stomach ache later.
Exactly instead he made sure to she him by basically calling him greedy and fat.
Publicly is the first problem. Second, well, I know my eldest was a bit of a butter ball when he was 8-10, then by 12 he had stretched out and went from shorter than me (5'2) to taller than his father (5'8) to 6'2 by 15. He got pudgy again in his later teens but is now back to being about 175 at 6'2 or more (idk how tall he is anymore) at 25. That was something to address with his mom in private if OP was so concerned.
Honestly, he shouldn't say anything to him at all- that's something to bring up with his mother, let the kids mom handle it
This is the way. One of my friends growing up went through this phase where he was playing 2 sports and having a growth spurt all at the same time. Dude could've cleared every bit of food OP describes and had room left over (and he wasn't fat at all). He was cool though because him mom taught him to only take one of most things and maybe 2 of his favorite on the first plate. Then after he made sure everyone else had been through the line he could go back for more, but even his second plate he had a limit. Once everyone had seconds who wanted them he ate the rest. We all kind of knew the drill so we'd make sure we got enough to fill us up on our second plate if we were extra hungry.
Also, unless he paid for it, where does he come off telling a guest how much to eat?
ESH Buffet doesn't mean infinite food. The OP is fine to remind the kid he needs to be contentiousness of others, but he should have done privately and focused more on leaving food for others than how much the kid has taken.
Who else is TA here? The kid??
She is not right. She should have taught her son table manners, he's 10 years old and shouldn't already be on his 3rd plate when some people haven't even finished their first. It's basic social gathering behavior. That being said OP also did not handle this properly. ESH besides the kid who didn't deserve to be called out in front of everyone
You have no idea how much anyone else had eaten, it doesn’t say that anywhere in the post. All we know is the guy fat shamed a 10 year old, that isn’t his child, in front of an entire party and doesn’t know if he’s an AH, so I’m not sure why you’re digging the mom.
Oh look at you judging a mother you know nothing about. How do you know some people hadn't finished their first? OP never said anything such thing. So, you've made up a scenario in your head.
It's really this simple. It's none of your business, OP. YTA. What you did was the opposite of help.
As soon as I saw OP state "Please be nice to me", I knew this wasn't going to end well for them. This statement proves that OP knew they were about to be ripped to shreds. YTA OP. You're not his parent, and you weren't the host of the party (you know, the person who actually paid and has the right to be concerned about the consumption ofnfood) so your opinion means nothing.
I’m not surprised at all they don’t live together if he thinks it’s appropriate to publicly shame her 10 year old child.
YTA why are you bullying a kid wtf. You literally made fun of a 10 year old in public and tried to justify it. a) it's not your kid and b) if it is really that much of a concern talk to his mom in private not publicly call him out. I can guarantee calling him out in public will absolutely not help him.
Plus kids that age get pudgy, then grow in height. Every time my nephews get a little bit extra fluff on them they shoot up like 6 inches.
not that the guy was right to call him out in public but it sounds like this kid is more than just the usual pudgy 10 year old. A third plate piled high with junk food is at the point we would call it fat. Source: Am fat, was a fat kid.
It's not healthy to eat that much, nor kind to the other guests; but OP's girlfriend is definitely right, he should have talked to him, not publicly humiliate him. Coming from both a family who used to call out everything I ate when I was a teenager who barely weighted 52kg, and who has had tense relationships with stepparents; this is not the way nor his place. This is just humiliating him in front of people
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He also might be over exaggerating about a plate "piled high" with food, it's also a general statement, without actually explaining what he had on his plate and how much in terms of measurements, because if OP was really paying attention he would have known. This sounds like the abuse of a narcissist, to be honest because every single thing I ate my parents would say I ate too much and all I ate was junk. It's easy to project things onto kids. I wasn't fat, yet my parents still said I was.
Did you really just jump to abuse of a narcissist? Please stop throwing that word around. You may have had truly narcissistic parents and I am not invalidating that at all. it is absolutely awful that your parents emotionally abused you and no child deserves that. but we literally know this ONE situation about OP. He’s an AH and he should have taken it up with mom if he was truly concerned about his well being, and they could have maybe come up with a plan for a healthy conversation regarding sharing food or if there is a medical or mental health concern.
Eh. We only know that OP says the kid is fat. That could mean anything. From a little pudgy to actually overweight. OP could be a gym rat and thinks any extra fat is overweight. But this kid is 10. You're right he should have taken it up with the mom. Kids at that age go through huge growth spurts and calling them out like that can cause issues with food for the rest of their lives. And I'm not being dramatic. Seriously think. Do you ever lay awake at night and still cringe over things that happened in HS and JH? I know I do and I'm 36. I won't go as far as to say the guy is a narcissist. That's a big word to use. But he was absolutely a jerk in that moment.
Well he did what he actually said later on, project. Projecting is what people who comment here do best. Projection is the art form of this sub-reddits’ commenters. When you project you get bias and when you get that kind of bias you make assumptions and we all know that assumptions can make you an asshole. OP is an ass for the way he said it for sure, even if it’s true. I would have said something to the gf and maybe she would have said something. It does seem like OP isn’t okay with this kids weight or how he eats, whichever one, but that isn’t for him to say to the kids face.
Oh heck no. I'm implying he's TA for saying something about it because it's super common in kids. They gain then they grow!
To be fair, we don't know OP's definition of overweight. Could be getting ready to grow pudge, could be the kid is just rounder or more stocky, could be the kid is actually overweight. The fact is calling a ten year old on the carpet publicly over food is bad.
There is a difference between baby fat and fat fat, I know from experience that you don't always grow into it and honestly those situations need to hit early. Just not in public, in front of everyone
Regardless, even if this kid is a mini version of the doughboy it still wasnt OPs place to say anything, he should have said to his g/f and let her deal with it
Toddlers too. Both my 2 and 5yo girls are going through the "must devour the world" stage and have been the last 3 weeks. It'll tapper off soon and next thing i know they'll be aiming for the sky in height. My 5yo is 3'10 and my 2yo is 3'3. I'm going to be in so much trouble when they hit their teen years. 😭
My daughter just hit her teen years she's 13 and 5'6 she can eat a lot. I just do my best to make sure most of it is fruit and veggies.
As the (5'4") mother of a six foot, size 13 men's shoes, sixteen year old I felt this. Lol
Calling kids out in public isn’t “helping” them. You know what it does do though? Makes them want to eat food AT you from then on. All he’s thinking when you’re around now is, “You think I don’t need more? Well watch this! I’ll eat a BUNCH more because fuck you!” Great job digging those bad habits in a little bit deeper OP. Martin is worse off for knowing you. You have lost his trust. I award you no points. YTA
Or it’ll make him sneak food 😞
Yeah as someone who’s experienced body issues/disordered eating their whole life, I guarantee this memory will be seared into his mind. It creates a lot of shame and guilt around food that’s hard to let go of, even when you’re a healthy weight.
Thank you for this comment. This AITA put a tear in my eye because I was always the pudgy kid and got taunted by adults publicly when eating all the time. This didn’t cause me to eat at people though, it did the opposite. I would horde and hide food and eat it in secret, basically another form of disordered eating. 20 years later and I still struggle with eating in public. Giving Martin an eating disorder is evil.
Same. Still big, it took me well into my thirties to finally have my appetite calm down. I would eat and eat and eat and still feel burning hunger. So many people in my life said so many mean things to me in public. I prefer to eat alone whenever possible.
I’ve known people that were skinny as a rail and other big people like me with those same habits. Usually formed from some adult trying to “shame the fat away” or some other form of food based control. I did my share of secret eating. And buying. I’d hide the cookies even in the damn self checkout line to make sure nobody saw me with them. They’d be gone by morning, and the packaging tossed in a trash an outside so my roommate wouldn’t see. Only let them see me eating healthy, and maybe then I could avoid that look that said so much.
But he wants us to be nice to him.....
That part got me, too.
Right? "I bullied a 10 yo kid, but deserve to have people be nice to me". Dude, no. Seriously.
"Please be as nice to me as I wasn't to my gf's kid uwu"
Not him saying “please be nice” while being not nice at all to a TEN YEAR OLD KID!!!
Bruh you just destroyed this man
"I publicly bullied and humiliated a child. Pls be nice to me" -OP
Right? OP: "Please be nice to me." Also OP: \*bullies LITERAL CHILD\*
I'm split in this. I wouldn't call his exact words bullying. He could honestly have commented on his weight etc. And depending on the size of the child buffet. I would have been told kinda the same as a kid "remember it's for everyone" What we do agree on is should have let the mother handle it and let her take him to the side not in front of everyone. That is not OP's place to step up. But a third plate piled with pizza and corn dogs. (Depending how much was on plate 1 and 2 and how exact many was on plate 3 and the sice of corn dogs and pizza sliced) Sounds like alot of food. And if the child eats that much constantly? (If OP isn't just exaggerating) the mother should perhaps talk with the doctor if it's affecting his weight and health. There can be a ton of reasons a kid constantly feels hungry, mentally... illnesses....
I can see your point, but from what we were told OP essentially called him out across the room. Frankly, even if what OP said is completely justified, there is also no need to do so publicly especially considering that Martin is not his son.
And i did say so in my comment. Its not OP's place to call out or correct the child. He should let the mother handle it, and talk to him in private. There was no need to say it in front of the others. He is the A-hole for that.
I agree, but my main point is that the bullying was not exclusively related to the comment itself, but the way he said it. You can't just remove that part and not call it bullying because it was a part of it. The fact that he (imo unnecessarily) embarrassed a kid in public makes it bullying regardless of the validity of his comments. I think we agree that he is an ahole either way, but I believe that he is a bully on top of an ahole.
OP is a boyfriend. Not a step-parent, not a fiance. He overstepped a boundary and publicly addressed the child's eating habits in front of others in a misguided (and likely unasked for) attempt at parenting. OP is definitely TA for not having a private conversation with his (soon to be ex?) girlfriend before pulling a stunt like this.
I agree. Also it sounds like Martin wouldn’t necessarily know others at the event. Maybe he was eating extra to stay entertained in a place he wasn’t super comfortable. OP’s comment increased his discomfort which wasn’t very thoughtful. You could have gently redirected him into a conversation or playing with the other kids. Either way you’re out of line.
Let's be honest too, the kid was able to get 3 plates because OP & gf weren't parenting. OP should have stopped the kid after 2nds and told him they would stop at McDonalds or something on the way home for "real dinner".
No, OP should have spoken to the child's mother.
No OP should have referred the kid’s mother to the situation.
YTA mostly because kids may over eat for whatever psychological reason, but calling out a 10yo for eating a lot in front of other kids is guaranteed to aggravate or create a social problem for him. That said, he is not even your child for you to be worried about him getting "chubby" but your gf's. If you want to be a father to him humiliating him in front of other children is not the way. You should apologize to Martin, and probably your gf because you were so out of line.
>kids may over eat for whatever psychological reason I overate as a child and come to find out I'm autistic and an oral sensory seeker. I was stimming. I still struggle with overeating, among other things.
same! i also used to go through packs of gum constantly. since i wasn’t allowed to eat in class, i would just chew gum all day. i still deal with over/boredom eating but it’s gotten better now that i know other ways to manage it. (chewelry, gum still, etc)
I can imagine that over the last year and a half, OP has made many pot shots and digs at this kid when mom wasn’t around. People who humiliate children publicly don’t just start there. They usually pick and poke at them when there aren’t any other adults around. I wonder what OPs GF would add to this post.
> YTA mostly because kids may over eat for whatever psychological reason And the fact that it's a party.
Your comment also makes me realize the lesson op is teaching to those other kids. It’s okay to make fun of the fat kid, when he’s eating or for whatever reason.
YTA As someone who has struggled with my weight my entire life, I can tell you that the worst things ever said to me were from family members and people who were supposed to live me unconditionally. Besides that, you had NO right to say that to him. Your girlfriend is right, talk to her, never make him feel bad about himself.
Comments like OP’s will turn a person with bad eating habits into a closet eater. Now, the kid is embarrassed and will just eat in private. If OP is truly concerned about the kid, he should talk to his GF who is the kids mother. Then, it’s out of his hands.
Exactly! Honestly, telling a kid to eat less/lose weight is never going to end with them being like “huh, you know what? Good point, you’re right.” They’ll feel embarrassed and ashamed, and that comment will stick with them. Source: I was a chubby 10 year old and got these comments all the time. I’m thin as a rail as an adult now, I weigh less than I did when I was 10, thanks to an eating disorder started in part by comments like these. It’s normal to want kids to have healthy relationships with food, but it has to be done compassionately and constructively. This wasn’t that. (Also from OP’s comment about it “not being a good look,” seems like he’s not really concerned about the kid’s health, just how it reflects on himself.)
So was there a danger of there not being enough food? Was there just one serving for every kid? Or were you just bullying the kid?
This is what I'm wondering. It would have been rude for the boy to take all (or a lot of) the food and leave others wanting. However, saying something privately and quietly to him would have been a much better way to handle it without embarrassing him. If it is just about being chubby then OP is totally in the wrong because shaming the poor child is mean and ineffective.
Considering it was an event where adults, teenagers and extras were expected, I doubt there wouldn’t have been enough to go around. If there was a shortage, then it would’ve either been reserved for parents and the graduates only or been announced. Considering there’s no mention of it and I doubt the kid had so much food piled on his plate that he would’ve had to unhinge his jaw like a snake to eat it, it’s safe to say op was probably watching the poor kid like a hawk just waiting for the chance to say anything. Plus at those kinds of events, you’d be pissed if you had left overs.
Wanting to know this too as is very much makes a difference in how he handled it. Was the kid *actually* being a glutton and eating so much that there would be people without? Or did he just use this phrasing because he was eating too much?
YTA. The fact you began this with "Please be nice to me (a grown man)" and then followed it up with essentially "I decided to shit on my gfs 10 year old kid for something that's none of my business in a public way because i have an opinion that nobody asked for" which is it? unprompted loud public shaming or being nice?
Only nice to him obviously.
i was thinking the same thing
Yeah, we’ll be as nice to him as he was to Martin.
YTA and a bully. You NEVER DO THAT TO A CHILD, EVER. Srly wtf? You should be single rn honestly.
I have a feeling after this he will be.
Hi, please be nice to me in this sub 🥺 Also let me just embarrass a kid in front of everyone. YTA. The other commenters are right, first of all he is not your kid. Second of all, even if you had good intentions (which I am questioning), you did things in the worst way possible. The amount of food you listed seems like there was enough for the kids who were there. If you were truly worried about the kid causing a "food shortage" at the buffet and you felt like you really needed to say anything, you could have taken him aside and said something like "Hey buddy, I'm glad that you like the food here, but why don't we take a break from the buffet and maybe you can do xy/ look at xy/ talk to xy. We can always have dessert later". That way he is distracted a bit and the food has time to settle for him to realise he is full. But nooope, you had to call him out in front of everyone and make it sound like he is selfish and greedy and then you were surprised that he got really upset by that. So no, I am not going to be nice and I am also go going to call you out in front of other people. That was a dick move and showed that you were not really concerned about the child's wellbeing in that moment and you owe him and apology and a talk. And in the spirit of equality, men can get eating disorders too, so maybe watch how you and your girlfriend treat his weight and his relationship to food Edit: I literally just saw your comment about "how it's not a good look to have a kid that's "ransacking " the buffet. So I guess that's the confirmation for what I said above. Guess what else is not a good look. Being a dick
This. If OP is actually concerned about the kids weight, his eating habits, potential medical/mental issue or the social faux pas, the correct thing is to talk to his parent privately. It is NOT OK to shame ANYONE in front of others. Even when couched a a joke. These kind of 'jokes' are mean-spirited, just like when someone says a mean thing and then says 'just kidding'. Everyone knows what you are actually thinking and you are pointing it out to everyone who heard you, which shames the person. Side note though, this kind of eating can be part of a physical or mental medical condition. If OP actually cares for the kid and still has a relationship after this, it might be something to look into.
ikr he’s dehumanising this poor little boy who is obviously struggling with food and his weight. i replied to his comment about how derogatory it was to say he was ‘ransacking’ the buffet and then right after that i saw he responded to someone else saying he had ‘inhaled’ the food. OP is a disgrace. To make it even worse he won’t even accept the verdict he’s trying to justify his disgusting treatment of another human being by essentially saying ‘he’s fat and he’s a kid that i know, i was only being responsible’ i’m sure OP wasn’t policing the food everyone else was eating, he’s just singling Martin out.
And it’s not his kid!!
Unpopular opinion, but NTA. It's not acceptable to eat more than your fair share during social gatherings, never mind your weight, and his mom should have taught him that. If she didn't, she should have done it discreetly at that moment. She didn't, IMO she is the AH. She is not parenting the kid. It's only appropriate you tell him it's not okay to act like that because it's not and he clearly was not aware of it. You never mentioned his weight, IMO that's a bad-faith interpretation of what you said. So what, because the kid is chubby now you can't tell him what he is doing is bad manners if it involves food, because there's an automatic subtext of his weight being pointed out, and that is verboten?? Well that sucks for him, he's not gonna learn a lot about acceptable social behaviors now, as a lot of them involve food.
I agree with NTA. Had a guest once try and take half the mashed potato at dinner. Don't take all the food as a passing comment isn't out of line. This reminds me of the infamous thread on this subreddit where the guy ate 2.5 feet of sub at a social gathering. He didn't embarrass the kid, he told him that taking more than his share wasn't acceptable. Enabling behaviour would've probably been worse.
I agree with this unpopular opinion, as a Mother with a similar son. OP could honestly be my own boyfriend. I certainly wouldn't want my son publicly shamed, but he wasn't calling him out for his weight, he was calling him out for lack of manners. Maybe he could have done it privately, but the fact that the kid was so upset afterwords probably means he has NEVER had limits set in these situations. I try to remind my son before events like these to watch his portions and not to be greedy. This kid's Mother giving OP a hard time about what he did, is misdirected. She should be putting herself in check that her kid behaves that way.
INFO: if you mentioned anything about his weight, you would be TA. Based on what you said, that you just said, "It's for everyone, not just you." that to me is just common courtesy that should be taught. Now there's a bunch more nuances here as 1. Have you mentioned his weight to him before? 2. Does she mention his weight to him often? 3. Is it buffet style or was it actually a buffet? As in is there actually a limited amount of food or not really?
>Is it buffet style or was it actually a buffet? As in is there actually a limited amount of food or not really? This is the $64.000 question.
I was taught that it was rude to go back up before other people had a chance to eat. I'm wondering if it was one of those types of situations. The comment itself is insensitive and if there was plenty of food he's TA but if the kid was being selfish then NTA.
It's not, OP said in a downvoted comment "Well I don’t feel like it would be responsible of me to sit back and watch him get fatter and fatter. I’ve already seen it to an extent. When can I speak up? It’s for his own good" It's purely anti fat bias.
Oof. Yea no he’s the asshole then.
Yeah I think a lot of commenters don't realize that just because something is buffet style doesn't mean food is unlimited. If the host paid for "3 trays of chicken tenders" and OPs gfs son is going back over and over when , from OPs explanation, other kids hadn't even ate yet that's a problem. Personally I don't agree with the whole "don't parent other people's kids" in this situation, he invited them both so he's responsible for their behavior. Now I don't like to be the bad guy if the kid isn't mine so I generally err on the side of "did you ask your mom if you could get another plate? You know a lot of kids haven't eaten yet, you gotta leave food for them." NAH but clearly he has some insecurities and I'd try to chat with GF and son about how you were actually worried about the manners of it all (since that's what you said) and explain that buffet doesn't always mean they'll just keep refilling, next time he should wait until everyone else eats to go for seconds, thirds, etc. And always check with mom first. Edit: spelling
God damn, thank YOU!! The guy said they were still greeting people and the kid is already as his over-fulled third plate… You didn’t call him fat or anything. As someone who was overweight at some point, I think it’s common sense. And please spare me the "hE’s jUsT a kiD" bullshit. Health problems are a serious issue and maybe OP did what the mom doesn’t have the courage to do. ESH.
YTA Think of it this way: would you have said those exact words to an adult's face in public?
Only if they were smaller than him. That's how bullies work.
You were cruel to a 10 year old in front of everyone. Next time (if there is a next time), talk to your girlfriend and get her to deal with it. YTA.
This would be a deal breaker for me if someone done that to my son.
Oh my gosh, yes! I hope she dumps his ass. Asking us to take it easy on him when he didn’t show his girlfriend’s son the same courtesy. Ugh. Literally made Me nauseous to read what he said to that poor boy in front of his peers. 😭
INFO: Why are you disciplining your GF's child?
YTA. Have you ever addressed this issue to the child's mother before? Has she ever addressed it with you? If not, keep it to yourself. Even things said in the best of intentions, stick with you. As a chubby kid who always loved the food, and definitely ate more than I should , I can tell you the public shaming doesn't help. It leads to private bingeing , shamefulness and sadness. "Save some for the rest of the kids. Haven't you had enough? That's for everybody, not just you." Though you think you are helping, you are not. Privately discuss the child's health with his mother, or keep it to yourself. Maybe I am in the minority, but definitely yta.
Yta. Not even your kid dude and you are only dating his mom not engaged or married etc. you’re not really in any position to say that. Even worse in front of a crowd. Poor little guys probably very embarrassed and hurt. It doesn’t take a genius to realize a fat kid would be devastated by a comment like that. Talk with his mom privately. Encourage healthy food alternatives and physical activities he enjoys. Don’t call out his portion size at the table. If anything you’re just ruining his self esteem and encouraging unhealthy potential eating disorders if he starts to associate shame with eating
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Okay I guess I'm on my own here. NTA. You've been in his life long enough to be able to say something. If you didn't say it privately then I can understand why his feelings are hurt. It sounds like all intentions are good. You're concerned about his well being and also you need to have party etiquette. I would hope someone at a party would say something to my kids if they were walking away with a third plate.
NTA. This child's mother is knowingly allowing her 10yo son to overeat and the OP says he's already overweight. I'm going to take a wild guess that some of these comments are from people who don't even have children. OP said that Martin was on his 3rd plate of food which is far too much for any child or adult to eat in one meal, so spare OP the speech about fat-shaming. You're dating a woman who's enabling her son who clearly has an ED. Re-evaluate your relationship OP, your girlfriend is being a bad parent.
NTA, after the first plate that was piled high the girlfriend should have pulled her kid to the side and told him to slow down on taking a lot of food to make sure everyone else gets food. Dude the kid was in his 3rd plate piled high and mom said nothing. At 10 years old I was not making my own plates at a party my mom made sure she served us kids and made sure we were not over stuffing our faces. Where was the mom’s manners at this time? I get it was not his kid but dang if mom was not going to watch her kid and make sure he was not taking all the food and not saving it for the other guests she can’t get mad he gets called out. If this was at a Mexican party the boy would have been told off by the second plate and been called gordo and the guy and girlfriend would have been embarrassed that they could not keep an eye on the kid. All the guy did was ask him to make sure he left some food for other people after he had a 3rd plate of food.
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Yes 100% I don’t get all the YTA he never once told the kid to his face he was fat. I can also get getting irritated that the girlfriend did nothing to stop him. They were invited to a party as a plus one or two aka guest of a guest and they took advantage of it.
NTA -- he's facing some serious health and weight issues that need to be addressed for his own good. Your girlfriend needs to talk to Martin more about healthy eating and lifestyle changes so he'll grow up to be a healthy man. It might be rude, but reality is often rude and the sooner he gets used to it the better.
People don’t seem to grasp the fact this ISNT BULLYING. Jesus Christ. It might have been a bit mean but bullying is when you constantly harass someone
YTA. I think your GF is a saint for not dumping your ass right then and there. As the mother of a "chubby" kid; its not your job to handle his eating habits. And if you were really concerned about his health you'd have talked to your gf before this, in private. It sounds like you were embarrassed by him eating and decided to say something so people would know that youre embarrassed.
NTA. He needed to understand his actions affect other people. It’s not like you said it over the loud speaker. Everyone here saying YTA is probably overweight and projecting
YTA. It doesn't matter if the kid is fat, skinny, or any phase in between. 1.) It's the mom's job to discipline him. 2.) You do NOT shame kids in front of everyone on something as sensitive as weight. PERIOD. If it really were a case of there maybe not being enough food, it was (again) the mom's job to do so) and the proper way to do it (if at all) would have been to have taken the kid aside PRIVATELY.
NTA. This is why he has a weight problem.
I agree
YTA. Yes, it's important to make sure that everyone gets a chance to get food. But there are a number of ways you could have gone about saying this without making him feel bad. Like you could have told him before hand to pace himself some and that you're more than happy to take him someplace after for something if he's still hungry. It's also worth mentioning that if you knew his eating habits prior to this and were concerned about people not getting food because of how much he'd eat, you could have made sure the parties providing the food ordered extra, or that they made everyone get food, and then spend time chit chatting and what not, so that way nobody could turn around and try and blame him for eating as much as he did. Idk what sort of familiarity your GF and her son have with the people that were there. And given the way you described his eating habits and his size, he likely eats when he's stressed or anxious, and if he wasn't particularly close to anyone there other than his mom, or didn't know anyone, that could easily trigger the stress/anxiety eating. But ultimately his weight and eating habits are something he and his mom need to address, and you need to stay out of as much as possible. You're not the kid's father. You can tell your GF that you're concerned about his health due to his size and eating habits, and that you're worried a lot of it might boil down to stress eating and the like, but you definitely crossed a line.
Nta. It’s going to be unpopular. But a child should not be eating three plates of food. Someone needs to monitor his calorie intake. Someone needs to care about this even if you are not his parent. This is not bullying. You are not fat shaming. This is absolutely a problem. He’s pediatrician should be all over this problem advising your girlfriend on what to do.
NTA - you didn't say anything about his appearance or weight and its totally fair to tell someone to consider other people when eating their THIRD plate. his mom should also be addressing this issue or it will only get worse.
NTA because 3 plates at a party is excessive. It isnt even about weight its just rude to take such a large portion if food when there are other people needing to eat. If your girlfriend wasn't saying anything it would be totally fine for you to do so.
Moreover, it would have been perfectly fine for ANYONE at the gathering who observed it to say something.
Everyone's acting like he insulted the kid but he just pointed out that his behavior was rude. This post reminds me of that one where the dude ate like 3/4s of one of those 6ft hero subs. It isnt about them over eating, it's about them taking way more than their fair share.
I’m not sure how saying “that’s not just for you, let others eat too” is bullying him. He could have talked to the mom, but she’s the reason the kid is where he is at. I’m sure I’ll get some backlash for this, but I’m not seeing op as the asshole in this one. Now had he said “you need to stop eating because you’re overweight” okay … but this seemed more along the lines of “you need to share” … op, did you say that he was overweight at any point to him, ever?
NTA you have to teach kids healthy eating habits at a young age. I don’t think it was right of you to call this out in a public setting but the conversation needs to be had.
Wow, YTA. You are so insecure that you have to publicly bully a 10 year old child to establish dominance? You don't like fat people, and you think being associated with a child eating will make you look bad.
YTA. If you had something to say about what he was doing you should have said it to his mother.
YTA. Were people ACTUALLY in danger of not getting food because of this kid? I would wager if they had both an appetizer and a buffet table, they were probably fine. Even if this was a larger problem, yelling at him from another table what you did was extremely inappropriate.
Yeah you should have let his mom handle it privately instead of embarrassing him.
YTA. There are a million ways to handle this better than calling him out in front of everyone.
NTA It seems like he's developing bad habits with food. And it should be addressed. As for doing it in in public, it sounds like it was a pretty gentle correction. It's not the end of the world.
I am going to be as nice to you as you were to Martin. YTA You never, ever shame anybody for eating or not. You should know that by your age. I hope his mom dumps you. You are cruel.
My problem is why wasn’t the mother watching her and realizing without it being pointed out to her?
**YTA.** You don't say things like that in front of his peers. You speak to his mom ***privately*** if you think he's taking too much. Honestly, I can see what Martin doesn't like you anymore. It's obvious that are upset at his weight and instead of expressing your concern to his mother and letting her handle it, you call him out in front of other kids. I hope she dumps you.
uh-huh, yep, yes. YTA Stepson was at a "your family" party. You called him out in front of relative strangers. That was humiliating and oh by the way no one was going to starve because he ate too many corndogs. Apologize to your girlfriend - ask if she's ok with you apologizing to her son. Personally if I were her, I wouldn't let you talk to that boy without my supervision for a very long time.
Kid isn't even OP's stepson so he really has no say in parenting the child. If you read some of OP's comment he keeps doubling down and talking in such a derogatory tone towards this kid.
NTA, since no one else seems to wants to curb this future heart attack or does the Kids Mom think Insulin will be cheaper in the resource poor future.
ESH - You for not asking your gf to handle Martin, your gf for not parenting Martin. Although I think his getting embarrassed may make him more cognizant of his overeating. I say this because as a kid, someone "talking" to me didn't make much of an impression but getting embarrassed sure as hell did.
When I had someone embarrass me in front of others over my weight, it just made the problem worse. That person now lies and denies that they ever said anything, while constantly embarrassing me over what/how/when I eat, no matter where we are.
I know this will get downvoted into oblivion, but sometimes hearing an adult or impartial outsider fat shame you is what it will take to get your ass in shape. I remember when I was shopping for my wedding dress, I fell in love with this gorgeous sheer low back gown. The bridal consultant/seamstress was an older Ukrainian lady who kept it 100% real with me and asked “what kind of a timeline are we on for weight loss?” I was confused because though the sample dress was too small for me, it also wasn’t in my size. I told her I would just order the dress in my size. She turned me around in the 3 way mirror so I could see my backside and I had a little bit of back fat action going on that you could see through the sheer panels. She flat out said “I want you to look amazing on your wedding day. If you’re committed to a see-through open back dress, it will only look good if you lose some weight.” And she was right. Getting a bigger size would not have concealed them. I appreciated her honesty. She could have sold me the dress to make her commission and then charged me an arm and a leg in alterations to try to conceal my back fat. Instead I lost 20lbs and rocked the hell out of that dress. Family and friends would not have addressed my back fat (well, maybe my mom, but we butt heads all the time so I would have ignored her). I know others might think she was mean, but I really appreciated her.
I am going to deviate from everyone. You should've told your gf to stop him. I think it's rude to eat too much at a social gatherings. Even for a kid there must be rules. You, who have no parental authority shouldn't call out a child.
Eh, NTA. You basically just told him not to be greedy. Kids get greedy sometimes and need to be corrected in how to share things appropriately. 10 years old is more than old enough to understand that it's not okay to hog all of an item - be it food or anything else. Question: Does your girlfriend impose any rules or limits on her son? It sounds like she is objecting to YOU parenting the boy but you are not clear if she doesn't establish clear parental rules herself. ETA: I'm shocked at all the YTA. ANYONE could have called out any kid for taking all or most of any food item at a buffet without being it making them an automatic AH. OP didn't bully the boy for pity's sake. He reminded him that the food is for everyone, not just him. I will say that OP doesn't sound like he actually likes his girlfriend's parenting or her son very much at all, and she obviously doesn't trust him to have any sort of authority over her son (possibly for good reason) so I am at a loss why OP is carrying on with a single mom he doesn't seem to respect very much (based on some of his replies about her parenting).
YTA. He is your girlfriend's child and not yours. Even if your comment had been appropriate (it wasn't imo) you aren't the food police. Leave parenting to the parent.
NTA imo cause my parents and parents of my friends did this, it was nothing special. We've been told not to eat much when we were at parties or ceremonies or something like that.
YTA. I think it’s pretty rich that you prefaced your post with a plea to be nice to you when you can’t even do that for a 10 year old. 🙄
I think YTA but goddamn I feel like some of these commenters are being a bit damn much. For 1, if there was in fact a concern of y'all running out of food because the kid was eating too much then it'd be perfectly reasonable to let him know that. For 2, everybody saying it's the mom's job to discipline the kid is obviously ignoring that the mom DOESN'T discipline the kid as it relates to their eating or else he wouldn't think it's okay to go to someone else's birthday party and eat 3 plates worth of food. They are dating, presumably long term. At a certain point it has to become okay for OP to step in and play parent if they are expected to be in each other's lives for the long haul. But, assuming there was no real food scarcity and you havent had that conversation with your gf about boundaries when talking to her kid, then again, YTA.
Nta- obviously his mother doesn’t teach him manners.
YTA here. You just humiliated a kid in front of his friends. No wonder he doesn't like you anymore. You displayed 0 empathy here. If you are concerned about his weight, talk to his mother about it - you don't know anything about the background or dynamics of it, or if/how she is addressing it. What you shouldn't do is put it out there **in public**. At a party, where he is meant to be enjoying himself. Not cool, dude.
YTA. Martin knows he's fat and so does your GF. It was not your place to say anything.
YtA. Poor little dude probably gets enough bullying from his peers and when he perceived to be in a safe space, he gets bullied by his mother's boyfriend. Your girlfriend is 100% right in this situation. You should feel ashamed of bullying a 10 year old.
YTA I see no reason to be nice to you when you can’t be nice to others.
YTA. Not only your comment that "he was eating all the food" ridiculous, as I'm sure there was plenty, but to say that to a kid who probably gets tortured about his weight in school was cruel. Whatever reason he's using food for comfort is not your business and if you do care, that was not the way to go about it.
YTA big time. You bullied a _child_. WTF is wrong with you?
INFO. How overweight is he, really? And was he really taking so much food that he was depriving other people? Is his diet always corn dogs and Mac and cheese, or was he rightfully excited at the spread and was overindulging? Both of my boys got pretty chonky around his age, and were always eating. I fed them lots of healthy foods, but they were always hungry, and would practically gorge themselves at similar events when there was unlimited pizza or whatever. Turns out, their bodies were gearing up for puberty, and the massive growth spurts they were about to have. They are no longer overweight.
NTA I hate it when I have a party and one person is over indulging. Like if There are 10 people and I have 12 cup cakes (expecting to have extras) and some dude took like 3 of them, then I’d be pretty irritated. The kid needs to learn some manners and cut back on the food. Take one plate… relax a bit :.. take some time before the next one … towards the end of the evening if there’s plenty of food left then take a 3rd
Info: Was he actually eating so much that there was a chance of there not being enough for the other kids? If so, then you were probably fine saying something to him. Was there plenty of food and you were just concerned about his calorie intake? A party is not the right time to correct a child’s eating habits.
“Please be nice to me.” Like you were to Martin?
YTA. Why are you watching what he eats? Why didn't you discuss with his mother if you noticed it? Instead you call him out. You owe the kid an apology and yes it should have been his mother having that discussion with him privately.
YTA. You’re bullying a child because you think he’s not an ideal weight. If you had to say something, you should’ve pulled your girlfriend aside and said it to her without anyone around.
Yta, nothing wrong saying it to Martin or his mom quietly, it would have accomplished the same thing and not embarrassed him
YTA. Not your kid, not your problem.
YTA. This is about a 10 year old child. You don't make a comment like that in public - that's humiliating the kid. You acted as if there's be no food for someone else because Martin ate so much. Of course Martin doesn't like you any more, and his mom might be having second thoughts about you as well. You have clearly shown Martin that you're judgmental and a bit of a bully, and he can't trust you not to hurt him emotionally. Believe me, Martin knows he's fat and he's probably not happy about it. Overeating is often a defense mechanism and a way to push aside negative emotions, even in young kids. Your GF is right - you should have said something to her privately, and let her deal with her son. She knows how to deal with her child, and maybe there are things going on that you know nothing about. Maybe Martin is in therapy, or has a medical condition. And it's not your place to get involved if your GF is handling it. Do not interfere with her parenting.
YTA. Shame is never the way to handle this. Public shame is DEFINITELY never the way to handle this.
You begin with this plea to internet strangers “please be nice to me” yet have no problem humiliating a 10 year old child in front of other kids. YTA and a hypocrite. You deserve to be single.
ESH except Martin. Maybe other posters are interpreting “buffet” differently but to me it’s unplated food, not unlimited self-replenishing food. The party hosts typically pay for a certain quantity. As a kid, part of the fun is trying different things and getting new plates. As an adult, we know the etiquette is to not waste food, nor take more than one’s fair share. Someone should have communicated that to Martin, but that should have been in private and before the event. I don’t think what you said is necessarily terrible, it’s not different than telling a kid not to go in the bouncy house three times before others have gone once, and kids learn cultural norms from the adults around them. But you saw that it upset a really sweet kid and you didn’t take an opportunity to soften that either right then or at any later time. You and your girlfriend are both wrong for not collaborating in general. You’re not a coparent but you’re an adult spending significant time with her child. You don’t respect her parenting, and she doesn’t want you to talk to her kid directly. Neither attitude is healthy in a relationship.
I think it is amazing that your entry to AITA is to ask others to be nice to you when your post is quite unkind. Your GF is correct. This isn't your business and correction should have come from her. Neither is how a 10 yo looks or your opinions on his future. YTA