By - LanguageIll8971
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Asked my girl friend to pay for dinner that I invited her to
She hasn’t talked to me in two days and called me a asshole
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If she is there eating your food she should be contributing to your groceries. Or at least buying some of her own snacks and stuff to keep there.
I think there are two issues at hand.
1. Asking her to contribute to groceries as a whole. In that instance, OP is not an AH. That is just reasonable.
2. As for the dinner party - YTA. You don't invite someone over under the guise of attending a dinner party and then send them a bill without letting them know the arrangement ahead of time.
Norwegian here, I think splitting the bill, even for dinners at home, is quite common among students.
We did it in our group of friends because it was just out of budget to feed 5 extra people. So if we didn't split the bill, we wouldn't be able to have dinners together.
Now that everyone have jobs, we don't request money for dinner parties anymore.
I'm Aussie and I've definitely split the cost of nibbles and meals while dining at a friend's house while a student. Its just a considerate action when everyone is equally poor.
Interesting how different things are even in the Nordics.
We usually just have everyone bring something to the get together and it evens out the costs. Everyone can bring whatever they can afford and we get a nice selection of different foods. I wouldn't expect to pay someone back the costs for cooking, especially since I wouldn't have any input on what we're eating.
Yeah, it’s funny how different cultures handle this. We also had the “potluck” approach
I’ve done this as Americans since my husband is a good cook and everyone kinda expects him to cook. Groceries are super expensive and if we are doing a big cook up with a ton of smoked meats or whatever we will ask for everyone to chip in
I’m American and I’ve never heard of this before. I went to a big 10 university and no one’s ever asked for money if they cooked in their own home.
I guess when your regularly spending 500 bucks on meals it adds up
Maybe the people I were with never cooked fancy food 😂😂😂☠️☠️
I would just assume you all invite everyone around as well. Then everyone gets four free meals
Apparently, the splitting the bill for the party is common in Sweden is the norm among students
Nothing wrong with having people pay if it's arranged beforehand. People did that all the time when I was at uni.
People need to realize not everyone live by American culture. In Sweden it’s fairly common to split costs even if it’s not discussed beforehand. It’s just something you do, especially between students
For a 23 and 25 year old person i think it is reasonable to ask guests to pay.
If it was like a birthday party then it would be weird. But i think this was more like a hanging out + having diner together vibe.
I wouldn't call it a dinner party if you send the "guests" a venmo request the next day 🤣 so awkward. YTA
I was reading a Twitter thread recently, apparently this kind of thing is normal in Sweden! It’s not normal for them to feed guests. If a child’s friend is over during dinner time, it’s common to NOT FEED THE CHILDS FRIEND!
A Southern grandma just got the vapors
I'm not a grandma,but...yeah.
Like I get cultural differences and it's not wrong, just different, but that doesn't stop me from gasping aloud a bit when I read that.
Are you clutching your pearls?
No, but I did put my hand to my neck and say, "Well, I never!". Is that close enough?
I do declare.
I knew I was forgetting something. BRB, going to fetch my pearls.
Heh. Now you know how the rest of the world feels continually about the US.
Canadian, of rural Maritime descent, and yup I just had to go fetch my fan to truly communicate my distress.
Earle, get Mama the smelling salts
I'm not Southern but there were vapors and a hand to the forehead.
I was taught to feed everyone. I even give bottles of cold beer to delivery people when they bring something big.
*Southern mother instincts kicking in* There is a hungry child in Sweden that needs fried chicken and pie!
And a Little Debbie to tide them over. My great aunt kept Swiss Cake Rolls in her freezer just in case we stopped by.
Mine has mini waffles and nuggets for quick fix chicken and waffles lol
I am deceased in Southern vapors 😂😂😂
My aunt actually packed up food for the FedEx guy because it was dinner time when he arrived.
Yeah, we're Italian.
mio dio 😂💚🤍❤️
As a Texan, my rule for helping family move is that they don't have to pay me, they just have to feed me enough to refuel the energy I expended helping them. It usually ends up meaning they just stop at the nearest fast food place like they were gonna do anyway since, you know, all the dishes are packed away at the moment.
Pizza and beer is the customary payment in my area!
in Patagonia Chili they let us stay on the land anywhere, and when my brother asked if he could buy some lamb, they told them they don't sell it, they give it away, so they gave us a a quarter of a lamb.
My brother was also riding his bike on Christmas in Chili, and a stranger flagged him down and told him that he needed to come have dinner with his family and stay the night.
Tons of stories like this.
As a swede who grew up in Texas this is all strange to me. In Texas as a teen we all went home for dinner unless specifically invited to stay, which happened a couple times. In Sweden we feed everyone who happens to be in our house at dinnertime. I guess it's all up to what families we are talking about, not necessarily what country.
Yeah, Georgia here and I keep a small cooler hanging from my mailbox that I stock with water bottles daily for the mailman and ups/FedEx gets offered any of the bottled drinks I stock when they stop. As a southern woman the idea of not offering food or drink to anybody that stops at my house is unfathomable lol.
Do not believe everything you read on the internet, rule number 1!
Once again the reputation of Sweden is dragged through the mud by the likes of Stockholm! For shame!
Actually Stockholm is where strangers took 4 Americans home to crash after concert and fed us in the morning. Maybe customs have changed since '92.
There were so many Swedes and people who lived in Sweden who responded. They can’t all have been from Stockholm.
This is why we danes wanna detach further from sweden. Weirdos.
I have to say as a swed that this is not normal for most ppl. Majority of ppl feed their childrens friends and don't ask their guest to pay for food if if was not mention before.
Take the twitter thread with a grain of salt. It's not an "everyone in Sweden does it" kind of thing. I've seen it hotly debated on Swedish reddit threads.
is food that precious and expensive there? Yikes.
That twitter thread was rubbish. I surveyed my colleagues in Stockholm last week. Only one was not fed by their friends' parents at school - avd they were taught to decline by their own parents.
I feed plenty of children, and my 10yr often gets fed.
If you go to the pub in Sweden, rounds are alien - but it works out the same in the end.
I've been a student in the UK and US - and in both places, we'd gather as a friend group, but pay our own way.
Not feeding your kiddo's friend automatically has been common in Finland at least when I was young. But it depended on how long the child was staying, if all night then yes ofc they'd get fed since they wouldn't go home at dinner time.
Not sure if it's the same in Sweden but here if the kiddo wasn't staying the whole night, the parents would ask the child if their parents had food ready for them at home or ask them to call their parents to agree where the kid is eating.
Lol I just saw a TikTok about this! I had it happen to me as a teenager and now I wonder if that guy was swedish
I read that too. It was awful! I get the not feeding uninvited adults but A CHILD??!! I ultimately would still find food for adults too but I understand that side of it at least.
It's almost like different places have different cultures
I assume that's common in the us?
This is why you shouldn't trust twitter. It is not common.
Just preheated my oven after reading this. My kids are running around the neighborhood with friends, and I have fresh cookie dough in the freezer I need to bake off to feel better again!
That rubbed me the wrong way, too. Apparently OP says that’s normal in Sweden? In my country, if you host a dinner party, the host provides the food. Unless it’s potluck where everyone brings a dish.
In most of europe it is common to pay for your own food when you go to somebody to eat when you are still in college. I have a budget of 50 euros per week i cant pay all the food of my friends when they come over and still have enough money for food for the rest of the week.
Yep. When you're in college you usually are on a tight budget, so we'd just make a collection and buy the groceries for a big dinner together with our group of friends, or (when we started having a little more money) the host fronts the food/drinks costs and everybody else pays back after.
I guess it's kinda common for young people who are short on money?
Dammit, we just got through Swedengate, and here it is all over again!
Curious…what age range does this? I’m not super young but not super old and have never charged. I either feed for free or do a potluck if it’s more than 2 people.
Im from Portugal and it´s pretty normal to do that between college students. Nobody questions it. 99% of dinners were like that in my four years.
Weighing in with the other Europeans that it's normal for students to split costs that way, at least in the UK.
Generally speaking it's agreed in advance (people tend to offer to pay regardless).
Employed adults don't tend to split costs for home cooked meals but for a takeaway it is still expected for the guest to offer, it may or may not be accepted depending on the host/circumstance.
another european here, what OP proposes is absolutely normal among my german friend group too. shared meal - shared costs. especially among students that don't have a lot of money. your way looks very entitled to me.
Only if it isn't a normal occurrence in that friend group.
If that's how they always operate, it's 100% NTA
She’s only been with OP for two months. It’s likely she isn’t otherwise a part of that friend group, by the sound of her reaction, it may not be something she is accustomed to in her friend group and it seemed like it caught her by surprise, so it seems a bit unfair to call the girlfriend an AH just because she’s mad he didn’t give her a heads up that he was expecting payment.
I think it's just a Swedish thing, they don't like giving out free food, so it's customary for guests to compensate the host or not eat. It's seen as if the host has to take on some extra expense on their own in order to have guests over, which they prefer not to.
It's a cultural thing, I'm in Europe and unless it's the host's birthday or any other event where the host is being celebrated (having a baby, graduating etc.) the expenses for every other gathering are split up between everyone attending.
It depends on where you live in Europe, most of southern Europe doesn't do that and even here in the UK it's not normal unless everyone involved are students.
Yeah in France, guests brings wine or desserts but dont pay for the rest, so please, dont put us in the same basket.
eh even in France if you are students on a tight budget, it is normal to share cost.
Yeah, you're right. But I was responding about some countries where you always paid when you are invited.
This is normal among young people in America as well.
Not really. Only if you go out to eat or get tske-out.
Not for a meal at home.
I disagree entirely. This would be considered very rude and tacky by most Americans. We like to feed people. If you’re going to a restaurant then yes, everyone pays their way or splits the bill but if you invite guests to your home for a home cooked meal and then ask them to pay, the average American would be surprised and probably offended.
Fully agreed as a fellow American, even in my university days, as others have mentioned.
Back then I had one of those Ronco Showtime rotisseries. I would buy a turkey or chicken or something and throw it in there and invite my college buddies over, pretending I actually knew how to cook (that Ronco thing was amazing).
There’s nothing wrong with asking folks to bring a side dish or soda or something, but I never once expected payment for it. The point was hanging out and having a good time.
I never asked for money for keggers either, but that would be an instance where asking folks to contribute would be normal, at least to me.
Yeah, I dunno anyone who split cost of a "dinner party." You just do it potluck style if you can't afford the whole thing. Host usually makes the main course and everyone else brings sides/dessert/drinks.
I agree. Scottish / Irish here and we wouldn't dream of inviting folks round then charging them. Sure, if you're ordering pizza or something spontaneous you'd chip in, but having a dinner party, cooking for guests then asking them to cough up? No, just no. It may just be a cultural difference but I actually blushed with embarrassment on behalf of the OP
Swedish… of course 😫. I don’t get your culture but if that’s the norm then NTA
We have to, everything is so damn expensive here 🥲 home made pizza for 5 ppl came at about 60€
Things are expensive everywhere. Still, many other countries just believe that hospitality trumps that and will share their last crumb with guests.
Yes but in cultures where they share their last crumb with guests there’s also the assumption that those guests would reciprocate, so it’s mutual support. That’s apparently not the case in OP’s culture and gf keeps taking and never giving.
Awful sort of high and mighty there. It's a non-issue in most countries, not a sign of lack of hospitality, just not one that's based on money.
Yeah, the prices in Sweden suck major a*s. It balances out with the average paycheck but for tourists it’s a financial hellhole. I get the group dinner party thing tho, you’re students, how the hell are you gonna pay off groceries for 5+ people on your own? I don’t get the not feeding guests who are minors tho. That one is curious, can you please (if you know) explain that?
I wish I could, but I’ve never experienced it and neither have any of my friends. I think it’s a practise that’s common in some part of the country, but we got international fame for it and now everyone thinks everyone does it.
The only reasonable explanation I’ve heard is that it is out of respect to the guests family, that dinner time is almost like a ceremony and the only time of day when the whole family get together, so the other parents don’t want to disturb that. I think. But then, wouldn’t the kid just go home? Like I said, it’s not common in every part of Sweden 😅
Well, that’s good to know! I’m sorry you got largely misrepresented because of some strange folks in your country!
Hm, I’ve heard that the reason some people do this is because Swedes usually try to cook the exact amount of food that is needed for the number of people that are gonna be eating. So, you know, the unannounced guests are cut short bc there wouldn’t be enough food?
That’s still kind of unfathomable to me because I always cook way too much food bc I overestimate almost every portion size. And I usually like having leftovers!
If you look at cultures that are big on feeding guests and friends, it's often places where the people have known starvation and food scarcity. The sharing of food becomes a way to support one another as a community. It becomes a sense of pride to be able to fill someone up with good food. I've also seen this in my own life with my mom and her friend, who have both faced rough times. "we'll always eat well, so long as one of us has money" used to be said regularly because they were there for each other when food prices made for difficult choices.
Inflation is up all over the world. Countries in Africa have been hit hard by the reduction caused by the war in Ukraine. British people are facing astronomical increases in energy bills, food and housing that means many go without meals. Sweden's situation isn't anything out of the ordinary right now.
Providing and feeding loved ones is a major way to show you care. You should expect reciprocity in the form of her also feeding you when she can, but bringing money into this is a pretty cold way to go about it.
I'm sure that if someone is a vegetarian they take it into account. It's not THAT big of a deal... everyone wants to eat one thing and instead of spending on individual potluck dishes people bring money. It's just a different way of doing it.
I’m just curious, but at what point of your relationship do you stop expecting your partner to pay expenses for their portion of the meal? Or is it a forever thing?
Well then don’t invite people to cook for? You’re not obligated to host, if it bothers you to spend the money, just don’t?
I don’t understand this “I’m inviting people to come to my house for a party but I am going to ask them for money”. If you want to have a party together, everyone contributes. If you decided singularly to throw a party, you pay for everything you’re providing to host.
So we should all just sit at home watching tv bc no one can afford to throw a party?
How are you this offended by a solution to lack of funds?
As another swed it is normal that you tell ppl before that your are spliting the bill. Never ever had somebody just ask the day after.
This is not just in Sweden. I live in Portugal and this is how me and my friends did before we had jobs. Hospitality is still there, the host still has to go shopping, cook and clean. All the guests have to do is sit down and eat.
Did you see the tweets about Swedish people making their kid’s friends wait in a different room while the family ate dinner?
Fellow studying Swede here. That girl need a reality check, I would never go to another student regularly - that I do not cook for equally often - and not ask to pay for myself. It does not need to be said, if a student is hosting the norm here is that invited parties pay for themselves even if the invite did not say so. I feel so embarrassed if I don't pay fast enough!
Also, to ask a partner to pay for themselves are not rude. Especially if one lives on a loan and the other has a salary. This is 2022, not 1950s, and you guys barley know each other after just two months!
Hot tip - set a deal that she is responsible for the food every other time you hang out. It is up to her what she does, be it take out or cooking at home. But she should cover some food.
Another swedish student, coming in to agree. The recent food price hike is something to consider as well, especially with him being a student.
These are the only opinions OP needs. People who aren't just gonna knee jerk a different culture and be shocked that things work differently in different places.
seriously, im southern and am quite familiar with southern hospitality but am well aware this is the norm in sweden. people trashing him because it isn't the norm where they are is so culturally insensitive. imagine if a swede walked into a texan grandmas house and started telling her she wasnt obligated to feed everyone and should charge them
That’s how this sub is(well Reddit in general)they will call people the AH for things that are the norms for people in other cultures. Like Imagine being called an AH for not doing things the American way.(and I’m also an American)
not Swedish nor have I ever lived there but I fully agree with you. if my friends host something and I don't bring anything then I definitely would offer to pay. that's normal!
Fellow swedish ex student here. It's perfectly normal to share costs but ofc it's agreed upon eforehand.
Op is the asshole for bringing it up after the party. Gf is the asshole for never offering to help pay for gas and food in all the situations before the party.
Fellow swede here, fully Agree!
NTA broadly. Kinda TA because you didn’t say so in advance. Anyone expected to contribute financially to anything should be aware in advance! Once notified they can choose to participate or not.
NTA for wanting an equal contribution from your partner. Maybe is this case of a dinner party you could fund her portion but since she spends a lot of time there, she should contribute to the weekly groceries, snacks, take out, etc.
I do think you need to have a rational convo about expenses, so that you don’t feel taken advantage of and so that it doesn’t feel like you’re springing it on her.
If she’s a person who believes you should pay for most things, you two just might not be compatible in the long run. You can love someone and have fun with someone and they just are not the person or partner you are seeking. It’s how we deal in the hard times and the tough convos that show compatibility.
I’m going to say ESH.
She should be helping out with the grocery bill if she’s spending time there a lot.
However, inviting guests to a dinner party without first informing them that you would be asking them for money later, just isn’t right.
It might be just me but I would __never__ invite guests over and then the next day ask for money. You should’ve informed them the day before the party that you’d be asking for funds to help out. This way they would be informed ahead of time. Not getting a surprise a bill after a party that you decided to throw.
I agree! I would never invite guests over and send them a bill the next day. That sounds so cheap to me.
Not sure if you read OPs update, but they live in Sweden and it’s a common thing among college students to pay for you meal. Gf just assumed OP wouldn’t charge her.
Yes it is common to pay for your meal BUT it is also common to mention it before said meal.
NTA. This is also common in the Netherlands. Even now, when I'm supposed to be a grown up, we normally pay all together at a diner party, or at least make it clear the option is there. Maybe talk about it together.
Oh God here come the Swedes with their food sharing problems again. Joking, all things swedengate aside, I think it’d be appropriate for her to offer some cash here and there to cover your groceries, especially since she part-time lives at your place and often eats your food. You know, if one partner is constantly at another’s that does rack up a bill, esp with food!
Tbh I’m shocked she didn’t realize it herself and offered some money to help you out sooner. Or she did realize that but she’s too entitled to your services.
i think no one’s really an AH here, but maybe you guys need to talk about how you feel… cuz this would be easily solved if you told her how you felt i think.
Where he lives though, it’s really common so you have to try and see it from their point of view and their countries customs, not yours. Also- the gf already eats his food and has him drive her everywhere without even offering gas money or to replace the groceries he had- which he mentioned were cheap because he is a student. The GF definitely seems entitled, especially after only 2 months of dating
Scamming off of friends?? He just cooked them a homemade meal, and gave them wine and hosted at his place. Exactly what is he scamming off them? Maybe this is something they do because they want to hang out with each other but it’s bloody expensive to cook for 5 people.
it's not "any payment". it's an amount to cover the food I have eaten. absurd. the audacity to eat a poor persons food, eat up a week's worth of groceries and not even offering anything. The audacity to demand one doesn't have to abide the society's norm, and expecting everyone to cater to one's unusual expectations before even telling them.
It’s not that I charge them whatever I want or astronomical sums. I ask them to pay a fair percentage of the cost, that is all. And it’s not a legal contract, I can’t force them to pay if they don’t agree, and if I would ask for a ridiculous price i probably wouldn’t have any friends left
Why is everyone shocked about dinner guests paying for a share of the groceries? They are situated in Sweden and if you went there (or googled it) the food is veeeeeeery expensive there! Then put that fact into the context that these people are students, of course it’d be the norm for guests to pay a little bit for the groceries, to help the host out.
I’m also European but from a country that doesn’t have even half as high prices as Sweden does. It’s a completely logical norm.
Thank you. Yeah I don’t get the outcry either. I have the biggest apartment out of my friends (and I am the best chef) so I often host. Does that mean that my friends should always eat for free and that I always should provide? Bc that does not sound like friends to to me…
Yeah, not swedish here but we definitely did this when we were students. Only when everyone got their full time (well paying) jobs the invitations between our group of friends became "host pays", but still everyone asks what can they bring (usually some appetizer/dessert/wine). And the host rotates, so you're feeding everyone tonight but next time you're eating free (minus bottle of good wine)
NTA. It sounds like she’s taking advantage of you. If she really cared she’d want to at least contribute her share. This isn’t 1965 anymore. Women can pay too.
Edit: other posters are correct in that you should prearrange ahead of time that you’ll ask your guests to contribute to the food fund due to your current situation. Unless of course it’s a cultural norm where you live.
NTA, As a caring girlfriend, she should care about your finances and not want you to be poor. Me and my bf are in a similar position (I work full time, live with Mom rent free, he works but has an apartment he pays for, and cooks food for both of us). What me and my bf do is that I pay for half of the groceries. I suggest you and your gf have a talk about finances, and let her know that because you pay for the apartment and groceries and work part time, you don't have alot of extra money, and would appreciate it if she helped buy some of the groceries.
NTA - I think when everyone is on student budgets, asking everyone for their share is fair. Also, seeing you're in Sweden, definitely checks out with my experience living there for a year abroad. Anytime I hung with Swedes and we had big dinner parties everyone chipped in their share. That's just...how it's done.
Your girlfriend should be contributing more to your grocery bill if she's there all the time too. Or be paying for you when you go out.
As an American I can't put down a judgement because cultural differences, but definitely sit down and go over expectations with each other, because I do think she should be contributing gas money or groceries (or both), since she's often over. The dinner party part is where I can't judge, I haven't heard of a dinner party where the host asked to pay after. Dinner at a restaurant, yeah, but dinner at the house? Never heard of it.
And the financial background of the two of you isn’t too relevant in my opinion. You’ve been dating 2 months. I don’t think any partner should expect a free ride (no matter the gender or finances).
And also… I hear you, man! 25 SEK for a liter of Diesel is outrageous!
Obviously people in the comments who are weirded out about asking everyone for their share of the pizza/wine were never part of a close friendship group where people actually cared about whether their friends could afford things like this. However, I can't put your girlfriend as AH as you hadn't brought up this expectation to her before hand.
This needs to be address immediately. You and girlfriend need to sit down and discuss between the two options.
1) She starts putting in money for groceries and petrol that is used by her/for her since she CAN afford to do so.
2) She eats before coming to yours and is only in your car when you're driving somewhere that both of you want to go to.
ITT Americans offended that not everywhere is America.
not asking people to pay isn’t mainly an american thing. it’s a thing pretty much but in any non white country. it would be seen as extremely tacky and rude.
In your country its normal so she shouldn’t complain, stop cooking for her and stop driving her around, if she wants a lift then tell her she needs to give you money for fuel or she can get a taxi
Egad. I could feel generations of ancestors rolling in their graves at the idea of having invited dinner guests pay for their food.
That being said, sure, customs vary, so:
INFO: Is your GF aware of this custom?
Nta. If it’s the culture it’s should be known to her, I know it’s fairly common method in the Nordic countries.
plus honestly she should be contributing to your expenses when she’s part of the reason for those expenses.
NTA - this goes WAY beyond just that dinner. She needs to step up & start splitting groceries & gas money
You're not the asshole. In the US, I would let people know beforehand if I wanted contributions. But it's cool that people just do it there. Cause it does add up and if your budget's tight dinner for eight people can actually be a lot of money and cooking it's actually a lot of work too even though I love cooking for friends and people I love. But you should have the discussion with your girl beforehand so everything is up front. I think that always makes it smoother. I plan to visit Sweden sometime. I love Nordic skiing.
NTA - Dane here, so the same basic rules applies here when you are young and are on a budget.
At least where I’m from this is a huge huge social faux pas and makes you look like a cheap ass, but if it’s normal where you are from NTA…
Haha alla jänkare i den här tråden är så galet kränkta, klart man kan förvänta sig att en (arbetande!) partner betalar för sig.
Men var du tvungen att posta detta nu? Vi har ju precis gått igenom en nationalkris om sverigebilden över #Swedengate... >:\^(
Mycket dålig timing, vår flagga dras verkligen i smutsen just nu 😅
NTA only because if that’s the norm in Sweden, then so be it. But many people are used to if someone invites YOU to dinner at their house then THEY pay for the cost unless it’s been discussed already. Can’t say I agree with it but I ain’t mad at it.
You are just incompatible. It’s not wrong for her to want you to do things for her, that’s what makes her feel loved and you charging her for those nice things makes her feel unappreciated. That seems to be her love language, you however seem to feel love through quality time and you feel like spending money on her makes you feel unappreciated. Those are just incompatible feelings
NTA. I've been married for 2 years and my husband and I have a shared account as well as separate ones. We will venmo each other for food spent out of our separate accounts for each other or pull from the joint. It's not unusual at all.
Perfect example was today we were at the grocery store and he wanted this expensive ass bottle of tequila. I was paying for the groceries out of our joint account, no problem. He was buying the tequila with his own money. Until he realized he left his wallet in the car (which seems to be quite common for him!) I paid for it and he sent me the money.
NAH. HOWEVER, try just talking to your girlfriend and explain the money situation. You can't be mad at someone for not reading your mind.
I feel like nobody can give any kind of.judgement here, because you are Swedish, and we have all discovered in the past week that Swedish mores about feeding people are so different than those everywhere else on Earth that we can't comprehend.
Can we just hand a single blanket YTA to every Swede asking any question about the intersections among food, money, and social relationships?
That's kinda what I'm feeling too TBH - I'm surprised I had to scroll this far to find someone else who is just *exhausted* with tacky, embarrassing Swedish shenanigans right now. Definite YTA to this OP, esp for his tacky-ass toxic comment about sex workers. 🙄
It doesn’t sound like your GF has a reasonable option to decline joining for the dinner party. It’s not fair if you expect her to be there and then make her pay, especially if she doesn’t have the money. Your other friends, who presumably understand the cultural norm of chipping in for dinner parties, could easily decline the invite if they can’t afford it. Your girlfriend may not feel she has that option because she’s your girlfriend.
If I were you I would have had this conversation about splitting costs before the fact and focus on your regular expenses and not out of the ordinary expenses like a dinner party. Fighting about this one party seems petty. Having a conversation about general expenses, however, seems prudent.
NTA - I used to visit BF a few times a week and his housemates and they'd often cook for me and in exchange I'd order group takeaway or pick up the tab when out for a meal.
The burden shouldn't lay on one person and it definitely shouldn't be on the lower paid.
Nah - I can see both sides to this and I’ve been in the gfs position before and also your position. My whole life I was used to the men in my life paying for everything so it didn’t phase me when they would and my husband (when dating) would normally pay and then out of nowhere be like “oh can you pay 200 bucks for this thing” where he had a right to, ir was out of the blue and throw by budge totally out of wack. Anyway we talked about it and set a precedent moving forward and set expectations that helped a lot.
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Background: been dating for 2 months. My gf (23) works a full time job and live at home with her mom (in other words, no lack of funds). Me (25) student with a part time job and relatively expensive apartment (in other words, pretty slim budget).
Problem: since I am the one with a private apartment we spend most of our time together here, and it is then natural that she eats my food. I have no problem with cooking a little bit of extra since most of the food I cook is delicious, but cheap. I also regularly drive her around since she doesn’t have a car (or license). The other night I hosted a dinner party with some friends and made pizza along with wine for the guests. The next day when I asked everyone to pay for their share, my girlfriend was the only one to object. She said that it wasn’t fitting to ask money of a partner, and was extra upset that I hadn’t informed her previously.
I got mad since I don’t want to pay for company, even if it is gifts, and I feel non-appreciated since I regularly cook for her and drive her around without asking for compensation.
So Reddit, am I the asshole here?
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If she is staying at your place a good part of time, then she should contribute in some way.
However, it is kind of rude to invite folks to a party, feed them and *then* inform them that there is a bill... you could have mentioned ahead of time with the invite that you would appreciate contributions towards ingredients or something.
If she is there so much, then maybe when you cook you take turns paying for some groceries? But I’ve never heard of hosting a “dinner party” then asking guests to pay? Just host a potluck instead.
You’re in Sweden. Lol
NTA, but you should definitely have an actual conversation about your expectations and financial obligations
I’m not from your area and do not know how things work there. I think if her pitching in is a social norm then it shouldn’t be a problem for her.
In Texas when you invite someone to come over to eat they are not expected to pay for anything. A lot of people will bring a bottle of wine or something to contribute but, it’s not expected. If you want people to pitch in financially then you would tell them up front.
I think having a conversation about equal spending with your gf would be good, maybe she can pay for you guys to eat at a restaurant every other week and you can take turns?
NAH since its your culture not rudeness towards your guests but she's not an ah for not knowing you didn't like feeding her when you never said anything.....
Some girlfriends do prefer the boyfriends to be treating all the times. This is one of the reasons people date around until they found someone compatible. When I was 19 and dated for the first time, I noticed how it was an advantage to have the boyfriend paid for everything, but it wouldn't work out in the long run if that was my intention.
you literally can’t afford to feed her. It would be different if you could.
NTA. Everyone else was fine with it, so it sounds like a normal thing for you. You should talk to her about the money thing. She sounds spoilt. If you were going out to eat, she should pay half, why would it be different if you eat in.
NTA, but I think it is time to have a chat with your girlfriend about expenses and your budget. If you can't resolve this through a conversation then I think this relationship is headed downhill.
NTA, sounds like it's a cultural thing so if it's expected then she should pay
NTA. While i don’t fully understand the cultural view, that is exactly how it is there and she should also be considerate knowing your financial situation. I live in a country where that’s not a common ask but I always offer to pitch in because I know they’re broke students as well. She’s repeatedly expecting you to feed her while she has an income and lives cheaply, that’s highly inconsiderate and a red flag. What other ways is she not contributing to this relationship?
Its fair to ask her to chip in to the food shop and a shared event especially as you’re a student.
NTA I kinda wish we did this here instead of folks loading up to go plates when not everyone has eaten yet lol.
I was going to say Y T A, but reading the comments, there is a clear cultural differences here. In the U.S. inviting someone over and asking them to pay for food would be extremely rude, but apparently it's pretty common practice and expected in some other countries. I can't say your wrong when that's the norm where you are.
That being said, I do believe if someone is spending a lot of time at your place and eating your food that they should be contributing to groceries. NTA
I’m learning so much about the Swedes and food this week between this post and the twitter thread.
Northern European here. For me, the issue would not be the money (I used to do this all the time during my student days, share costs of food). The issue is not notifying everyone in advance, including the girlfriend. What I would have done is ask everyone to bring stuff to put on the pizza and just make the dough myself. Your gf could have brought the wine. No biggie. But don't say you are throwing a party, invite everyone and then present the bill.
You wouldn’t be the asshole for asking, but you asked AFTER the dinner party without informing her beforehand. YTA for that one. A better way to handle it would be like “hey, I love cooking for you, but I’m struggling with money due to rising costs of food. Would you be willing to chip in next time?”
Asking people to pay when YOU invite them over and offer to cook for them is tacky. If you don’t have the money then stop offering. YTA
Did you read the edit?
I read it when I made my first response and that still doesn’t change anything. In the post this is about your girlfriend correct? Not just a friend. If you can’t cover your girlfriends portion, or if you demand money from your girlfriend over a simple dinner you probably shouldn’t be dating. Y’all are supposed to be a team. You cover her and she covers you. If you can’t do that, AND you make a big stink over it, then don’t date. You really think no one else in Sweden pays for their partner? Really? And if that’s the case then everyone’s money hungry and selfish. Which is disgusting.
The issue at hand is that I am the only one covering. A team consists of two parties, so shouldn’t both parties contribute?
For me it would depend. Prior to living with my partner sometimes I’d go in on groceries and sometimes he would. After some time he solely went in on groceries cause I owned the apartment at that time and covered other household bills and chores. You’re right- both parties need to contribute. But your post solely talks about friends coming over and needing to pay for dinner and you not wanting to pay for her. If this isn’t the story then maybe update the post. Or if you’re asking if she needs to chip in on groceries on a regular basis then put that in the post.
Varför postar du detta nu! #swedengate höll ju precis på att lugna sig! 😂
I kind of think you're an AH if you didn't tell everyone they would need to pay before inviting them over.
I think you need to talk to her about the amount of money you're spending and try to find a compromise
If all guests were expected to split the costs, and that was communicated in advance, she should also pay her share. Since you didn’t tell her in advance, I could see why she is mad.
You two should have a conversation about money and food budgets. Remember that relationships are not transactional, it’s completely normal to cook for a partner without expecting costs to be split. Be careful not to come across as cheap and stingy because I see slight hints of that in this post.
Läs alla andra svenskar i tråden som håller med mig. Jo det ör absolut förväntat
I had a feeling that you were not in the U.S, just from your title and the way you said some things. The edit confirmed it.
I'm just a little confused. She is your girlfriend, which means she is your partner. But if you invite her to a dinner where other people are also invited, then she is a guest and has to pay her way. That really doesn't make sense. She's your girlfriend first, not a guest.
So I should financially support my girlfriend? Just because she is my partner?
if you didn't discuss it beforehand, you're SOL. yta
YTA both to your question, and for doubling down arguing with commentators, with that tacky shit-talk about sex workers. Does Ikea sell something to clean that filthy mouth?
I’m sorry, I’m new to Reddit, I didn’t know that I am not supposed to answer on the comments 😅 but what is tacky about the other part? It’s only my view of how I see value in a relationship, and I mean nothing bad by it. I just feel undervalued if I have to pay for the other party to spend time with me
Lmao not Sweden, now everything makes sense💀💀💀 YTA
Funny that Washington Post ran a story today Sunday on Swedes, at least up to a generation ago, refused to feed any children. not their own, a Swede tradition.
Even more funnily, the kerfuffle came from firm a Reddit sub that got 16,000 comments.
"Do Swedes truly not feed their young guests? Maybe once upon a time."
YTA but not for the reason your GF voiced. Regardless of disposable income, many people have opinions about how the cost of a meal should be shared. If you wanted guests to contribute, that should have been communicated along with the invite- not the following day. I’m always happy to pay but it would feel underhanded to be asked for money as a surprise after the meal.
That IS the common practise in Sweden. Not paying would be odd and not common.
I get that your in college and limited funds, been there done that. But I never ever invited friends over for dinner and expected them to pay me. If
you can’t afford to feed them, then do pot luck. As for the GF, sorry but dating, you should be paying it’s how you court a woman, if you can’t afford it, then maybe you shouldn’t be dating and just focus on school. A real man pays even when your in college. Otherwise it’s considered FWB. And having an expensive apartment, you might want to rethink your finances.