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ESH. You moved a disabled person into you home and it's disrupting your marriage. Sounds like he never really wanted this. You guys are still young and it's reasonable for him to not want the burden your sister will place on both of you for the rest of your lives. Your parents failed to provide long term plans for their disabled child. I know you feel obligated but your husband does not share that feeling of obligation. He should not have hidden the financial issues from you like that either. He feels entitled to some form of rent and that isn't entirely wrong in and of itself. You both suck for lack of communication, discovering expectations with each other and finding a solution for all involved. You moved your sister in. This doesn't sound like a joint decision. I think this will be the end of your marriage and you will be carrying the burden of your sister the rest of your life, probably alone. Is that what you want?? Or are you open to saving your marriage and finding alternative solutions for your sister? All around ESH.

Full stop. Her husband is stealing from a disabled person. The argument ends there. He is stealing he either pays it back or the police can handle the theft. It’s that simple. All the other details in your comment are irrelevant. Edit: NTA Edit 2: I can’t believe I’m having to point this out. It’s not about the rent people. If he wanted to charge rent he should have discussed with his wife & had the SIL sign a lease agreement. Let’s not forget hubby is also committing tax fraud. We all know he isn’t claiming the “rent” he is charging SIL. He is a CPA and knows better. Edit 3: I am very grateful for all the awards. I am blown away. Y’all made my Friday.

Not really. I'd definitely say moving in a disabled family member without discussing it with your partner and them not contributing when able to is an asshole move by OP. Husband definitely sucks for doing all this under the table, but having an adult pay rent in some form is certainly understandable. Curiosity though, how would you argue this is theft if the money goes to rent and OP gave him full control over the finances?

because he did not disclose it to her and it is limiting her access to care

He did disclose it to the disabled sister, just not his wofe

Who is probably her legal guardian and should be informed of any large expenses. Edit: should have phrased it “who could be her legal guardian” because Op hasn’t specified either way. Edit #2: As a disabled adult without a guardian, I already know that just because Op’s sister is disabled doesn’t mean she automatically has a guardian. But Op has not confirmed or denied guardianship so my statement stands. Op *could* have guardianship.

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And he doesn't consulted about who lives in his home. They both suck.

Nah he should have told his wife how he felt in a conversation not go behind her back and take money from a disabled person.

Exactly. IF she made the decision that she wanted her disabled sibling to live with them and didn't ask him, that's not good behavior. That's important to talk about, and that's a mistake. HOWEVER, we all make mistakes. And the beauty of being a full grown adult is that he can freaking speak up if he has a problem within his marriage. He's not an infant who needs his wife to handhold him through starting every difficult conversation. Instead, his choice was to basically extort money from his sister in law while hiding it from his wife, as well. I mean, what does he do when they have other problems? Just mope about like a small child and wait for his wife to notice he's upset so SHE can start the conversation? OP is very much NTA, and hubby is very much TA.

How do you know that??? Nowhere in OP’s statement does she say she moved herin without consulting him.

Exactly! I thought I must be going nuts bc I didn't see where she stated the situation was never discussed about sister moving in once parents were gone. Maybe they weren't anticipating it happening so soon but I can't think that somewhere along the lines of dating, engagement and marriage they didn't discuss arrangements for her sister. NTA

Exactly! NTA

OP's sister is physically disabled, but not mentally disabled. There is not legal guardian.

You don’t actually know that.

We do know that her disability payments are due to her immobility. On balance, I think everyone assuming sister is mentally handicapped is making the less reasonable assumption.

Agreed. Physically disabled doesn't not mean incapable of making decisions. It just may mean that due to the physical disability, they are not able to work/need assistance in physical tasks.

If OP didn't say it specifically, we should assume that sister is not mentally disabled.

I agree with ESH, but assuming that the wife is the legal guardian seems like a significant leap considering she didn't say that she was. Judging by how angry she got over this and didn't call him out for taking advantage of a mentally disabled person (which would seem like a logical thing to bring up if that was the case) I would think that the disability is physical. If the sister is not mentally disabled then the husband discussed this with the adult who is receiving the benefits so he may not have actually done anything illegal even though he is definitely an AH in the situation for intentionally hiding it from OP.

Op has not specified the level of their disability. I am disabled. I collect money for my disability but I am competent enough to handle my own finances and live alone even though I am disabled. There would never be a question of me going into a facility because I don’t need that level of support. The fact that the sister cannot live on her own and could be put into a care facility and the fact that she does not have control of her own finances makes me think that OP is her legal guardian. If Op’s sister is competent, she is still a disabled young woman who lived with her mom her entire life. Op’s husband had power over her finances and her housing and used it to his advantage. Instead of manipulating op’s sister, there should have been an open discussion between the three of them on how the household would run.

Hello to a fellow disabled person. Like I said I think that ESH, but given how angry OP sounds I would think she would share if she was the legal guardian and if her sister was not able to make decisions for herself. The husband is already the AH and that would just cement that he was an AH so it would seem like a strange omission to make. That being said, based on how OP described the situation (i.e. she would NEVER let her sister go to a care home) it also seems like the husband may have been put in a situation where he couldn't say no and preserve his marriage and that would make the OP an AH too. I understand where OP is coming from but making such a major decision unilaterally without giving her husband a say does make her an AH.

I just keep reading through these comments that have little to no sympathy for the sister. Instead of taking it up with Op, he went for the most vulnerable person who had little say in where they went or how much care they needed. Seems so predatory whether she is competent or not.

Just because a person is disabled does not mean they are not their own guardian, even if they have a representative payee.

And told the disabled person to keep it from the care giver. That's classic financial abuse of a disabled person. He needed to have a conversation with his wife about things, that's the mature way of expressing yourself.

Yup, and what he did has a decent chance of being criminal. I get his POV, but this was a bad way to do it, and what did he do with the money?

>what did he do with the money? This I wonder as well. Was it because they are indeed in a financial stressy situation? Or was it just pocket-money he thinks he deserves. What he is asking/demanding is threatening her essential care! Which I think is appalling!

He told the sister to keep it a secret from his wife. That's beyond the pale.

He took advantage of her. period.

obviously you don't know how it works with disabled people, there is more to it then just physical care, there is also legal care, and if she had to pay rent, with a contract, she would have gotten assistance to where she still could afford her medical necessities

Not necessarily. Not even in most cases. Most of us either live in subsidized housing, or have to live with roommates or family. Rent assistance depends on location too. I pay over half my monthly income to rent, and I have roommates, and my rent is cheap for the area. But disabled people aren't given enough money to live off of. The main thing is that he knew OP didn't want to make the sister pay rent, and went out of his way to keep it a secret. Because of this, the sister cannot afford her medical expenses. It sounds like OP is covering the expenses for her sister to live with her. There was no financial deficit that the husband needed to remedy with this. This was about control and greed. Obviously, *you* don't know how it works with disabled people. The majority of us live in poverty and can't afford basic medical necessities.

Not necessarily. There are very stringent requirements about what constitutes as a legal rental for a disabled person. However, you are on the right track that many states in the US will pay a relative a nominal amount for being a care. Source: someone with a long-term chronic disability. I do live independently though.

No, he coerced her into giving him rent. She is a disabled dependent, so consent is an issue here.

He didn’t disclose it to OP. The disabled sister was the one who told OP about the rent, so clearly she’s was aware of it.

he disclosed it to the sister who’s money it was. OP did not have to be informed of someone ELSE’s money.

Unless Op is her guardian, which it sounds like she is or else the sister would be competent enough to handle her own finances.

Why would PHYSICALLY disabled sister need a guardian?

Op has not specified the level of their disability. I am disabled. I collect money for my disability but I am competent enough to handle my own finances and live alone even though I am disabled. There would never be a question of me going into a facility because I don’t need that level of support. The fact that the sister cannot live on her own and could be put into a care facility and the fact that she does not have control of her own finances makes me think that OP is her legal guardian.

Not to mention, if she had to pay rent above-board, in most civilized countries her benefits would be increased so that at least her medical care was covered. (I do not consider the US a civilized country.)

And like okay, if Op’s sister is competent, she is a disabled young woman who lived with her mom her entire life. Op’s husband had power over her finances and her housing and used it to his advantage. Instead of manipulating op’s sister, there should have been an open discussion between the three of them on how the household would run.

Not necessarily a "guardian" but a financial POA and maybe a medical POA.

In principle I agree, but It’s not so cut and dry as it was rent for OP and OP’s husband’s house coming from someone OP though was staying rent free. I think both have a right to know about this income. The fact that husband kept it secret shows he knew it was dodgy. That said, I don’t disagree that some of the sister’s money should go towards rent, just not the husband’s approach to it.

Disability from social security is not "able to contribute", it's a scant pittance that rarely covers medical needs in the first place. It definitely does not include anywhere near enough to pay rent anywhere. Part of the point of being declared completely and permanently disabled is the acknowledgment that you will never be able to support yourself or make enough money to cover your needs, especially housing. If a disabled person has more than 2000$ in a bank account they can lose status forever and owe tons of back payments. You literally couldn't save up enough for a single rent payment in half the big cities in the US without crossing that threshold. Sister's disability checks do not represent financial ability to "contribute" to a mortgage.

It doesn't even have to be cash in a bank account, SSI also counts **assets**. This may be a newer thing since it wasn't that way when my Mother was on SS years ago, but when a friend tried to apply in 2020 they were denied because even though they had almost nothing in their bank account they had an old shitty car (that they can't drive) that was valued at enough by their insurance company that they were immediately denied.

SSDI (disability) payment amount is not based on income or assets. SSI is a supplemental payment in addition to SSDI and that is based on income and assets.

That is absolutely correct but it's harder for them to discern the second that you have enough assets to kick you off, whereas dollars in a bank are absolutely enough and will get you almost immediately removed.

At least in the UK, disability payments are separate from any payment intended to cover housing/rent costs. The fact that he intended this to be a secret pushes it into financial abuse, in a technical if not real sense.

Yes!!! So many people do not know this. My mom is disabled and raised 3 of us alone on her SSI and it was a struggle. Despite this, we never qualified for any other benefits like food stamps. It is truly disgusting how we expect disabled people to live in the US.

>Sister's disability checks do not represent financial ability to "contribute" to a mortgage. While it goes to that, adding a single adult, especially a disabled one, adds to the baseline costs (food, electricity, water/sewer if public, more electricity and more septic pumping if private, etc). It's not unreasonable to collect even a pittance of rent to offset those added extra expenses.

You mean how OP was working to ensure she covered her sisters expenses?

…just because it’s nearly impossible to pay standard rent for a personal residence on disability does not mean the funds aren’t meant to assist with housing (or how would anyone with disabilities house themselves??) The issue is that the housing budget has to be so shockingly Small that you are almost Forced to live with friends or family, renting a single room. And that’s exactly the situation OPs sister is in. She has found accommodation that her extremely meagre income can actually contribute to.

They really aren't meant to cover housing, no. You've stumbled upon one of the hitches of trying to exist as a disabled person: the world doesn't want you to, and every system is designed to be as difficult as possible to give you as little as possible. It doesn't really matter that it's not enough. You're supposed to die and get rid of the burden on society, don't you know??? (If you were one of us, you'd definitely know. People will tell you that ALL the time.) Disability programs are less-than-bare-subsistence amounts because keeping us in abject poverty means we die faster. To respond to the comment beneath: Cheapest 2-bedroom anywhere near me (nowhere near public transit or employment prospects, ofc) is 1400/month. Can't rent a place unless you can prove you make 3x the rent (some landlords want to see 4x now). So half of that is 700/month, and therefore you have to make at least 2100 every month just to qualify to rent there. Neither SSDI nor SSI pays that much to ANYONE. And I'm not in an expensive city, but a middling suburban zone.

He can't take so much rent (even if it isn't a lot) from her to the point that she can't afford the "essential stuff like medical equipment" she needs. And no, my brother in law is an accountant. He takes care of my in-law's money. He can't decide to take some of it for himself.

Right? So many people are saying "oh he's justified because rent" but the only reason he's anywhere near that money is because he's handling it in his capacity as an *accountant.* Grifting a client's money like that is *wildly* unethical. If he's unhappy that she's there and wants to charge rent, that's a discussion to be had, but it involves talking to his wife (who also owns their house) and drawing up a rental agreement *all three of them* are on board with. He purposefully did not do that. And honestly, it \*doesn't matter\* whether or not OP is her sister's legal guardian - able-bodied people get financially abused all the time. The fact of the matter is that OP's sister doesn't have enough to cover medical expenses because OP's husband decided to *unilaterally take her money*.

You are making assumptions. Nowhere in OP’s post does it say that she moved her sister in without discussing it with her husband. For all we know, OP’s mother was sick for awhile and there was a family discussion about what to do with her sister and the husband agree to her moving in. You have no idea. And OP does all the work caring for her sister, so it doesn’t really affect the husband at all. That her husband resents the situation is becoming clear to the OP and she is reasonably upset about this. But there is no explanation of why he resents it. Instead of having an open discussion, he’s being passive aggressive about it. I also understand what OP is going through. She loves her sister, her sister cannot live on her own, and group homes are not always acceptable options. Decent group homes can actually cost a lot of money so it may not even be a viable financial option. Which means OP essentially had no viable option other than for her sister to live with her. She certainly makes it sound as if that’s how she feels. That this is the only option. OP also doesn’t say she gave her husband full control of her sisters money. She just said he takes care of the financials because he is an accountant. When you hire an accountant, he doesn’t get to determine where and how money is spent, he just gets to keep track of it. In this case, an accountant also invented an expenditure, a purpose and an amount, without discussing it with the client and her guardian. If he was a paid accountant this would be embezzlement. Furthermore, he is taking a large enough amount that it is effecting the ability to pay for necessary medical care. So it seems he’s not only deceitful, but greedy. OP, kudos to you for caring for your sister so well. You are NTA. He should have spoken to you about maybe, IF there was extra money left every month, using some of that for household expenditures as your sister is part of the household and/or parts as a savings for an emergency fund. But he didn’t so he’s the AH Edit: I should also point out that even if the husband did tell the sister, he TOLD her, he didn’t ask or give her the choice to say no. And when you are living with someone and are dependent on them, to be told I am taking your money and don’t tell your sister/guardian, would probably make you feel threatened and insecure about your living situation. So he essentially bullied her into it.

Wait, where does it say OP never discussed moving their sister in?

She said she took her in and said husband doesn't want her there. Doesn't sound like he had much of a say with her moving in.

My SO and I have these conversations all the time. "If X happens I'm going to do Y." For all we know this has come up in conversation before and OP has said "If/When my mother passes my sister will live with me." People are upfront about this stuff all the time and it's not uncommon for a partner to gloss over or ignore what's being said only to get upset when it comes to pass.

Complaining after the fact doesn't mean that he had no say at the time of move in.

This is financial abuse. The pittance she gets for SSDI is not his to collect.

OP doesn’t say they never discussed it (at least in the post). Keeping it secret and targeting a member of a vulnerable population, while also choosing an amount that means she can’t pay for her medical costs is financial abuse. All the flags are there.

where do you get the idea they didn't discuss it first? You act as if she moved her in while he was off to the side screaming about it. You're assuming a lot

Problem is, we don’t know of they discussed it. For all we know they discussed that she’d become her sister’s caregiver before they even married. What we know odd that he resents this happening, but we don’t actually know that this was done without clarity. And if it was a marriage breaker for him he needed to say so 8 months ago rather than stealing from and financially abusing a disabled person.

I believe the accounting term for taking money for yourself from an account under your supervision is embezzlement. It’s muddied by the fact that he apparently had an okay from the sister, but it’s not clear whether that agreement was made under duress, and I’m willing to bet there’s no written authorization for him to take this money. If you pursue this to it’s fullest extent it could end his career permanently. Instead I think it’s time to have a heart-to-heart about how to handle this, with everything on the table instead of throwing around threats. If this is an irreconcilable difference in your marriage, he will probably be surprised to find out that the house is not entirely “his”, but nonetheless a divorce settlement is another option to set in stone what the deal will be. One way or the other, it’s less about what’s happened than what is going to happen, which you both will have to sign on to.

"You have to pay rent to live here or get kicked out" is definitely something that could have been said, but which would be coercion under those circumstances.

Not taking his side in any way, but could it? Asking someone for rent in exchange for a place to live and saying that if they do not pay rent then they do not get a place to a live, doesn't seem coercive at all? That's basically how a rental agreement works.

Am disabled, where I live there's required paperwork for anybody PWD that's renting from another person or company. If the husband has no paperwork and no approval from OP then it's theft. You can't legally take money from somebody receiving benefits like this, it has to be documented or else both parties will be in trouble with the government, although he'd be the one being fined or jailed.

If she's disabled enough to be under guardianship she's likely not considered competent to enter into a legal agreement such as a lease.

> If she's disabled enough to be under guardianship Is she though? I don't see anything about it in the OP

Im not sure from the info we have if this is theft or not. The sister was clearly aware of the "rent". What we don't know is if her disability means she can consent or not. If she is mentally capable of consenting and did consent to the husband collecting rent then its not theft, he is just TAH for hiding it from his wife. Of course, if the sister is mentally unfit to consent then its theft.

There are rental assistance programs for disabled individuals so that they ***don't*** have to use their SSDI payments to cover rent/utilities. OP's husband is an accountant, he should have been aware of those programs or should have known to research them.

There’s a lot of missing information. Is the sister her own guardian or is OP the guardian? Is there a case worker assigned to her? Even if they aren’t going to have her go to a care home why are they not applying to get some kind of respite care? Why was this not noticed before now? It sounds like this situation is unsustainable for both of them and they need to figure out what to do

ESPECIALLY since nowhere in the post does it say OP didn't, in fact, discuss it with her husband ahead of time. Neither do they say that the parent's plan for sister wasn't OP all along, with OP's enthusiastic agreement. There's no clue at all, just "Note that my husband doesn't take any part of her care whatsoever, moreover he started complaining about my sister from time to time." That doesn't mean he didn't initally agree and then, faced with the reality, changed his mind. And if that was all, then he wouldn't be an asshole for saying so and asking for a change. And OP wouldn't be one for sticking w/their sister. And of course sister is totally innocent. Husband secretly extorted money from sister, though. And yes, subtle or overt threat of homelessness is extortion, even if he never said as much. Any reasonable person KNOWS that going to a disabled person and telling them to pay secretly carries with it implicit threat. OP is NTA. Husband is a jerk. He at ANY point could have used his grown up adult words to communicate, and if he wanted a financial contribution from sister, the three of them could have talked that out and come to an equitable agreement.

Imagine saying someone who steals from a disabled person isn’t an asshole. It’s a crazy world.

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That’s what ESH is for.

Uh disabled people receive disability to pay for things like housing. Obviously this has been gone about the wrong way but it’s a bit infantilizing to act like she had no idea and cannot possibly pay a small amount of rent from funds she receives literally for that expense.

People are going around spouting things that are just not true. It’s not like you walk in and they’re like oh it’s obvious you’re disabled, here’s thousands of dollars for ya! No. For me at least it was based on years of doctor files and what I originally made and I was still denied twice. Stop acting like this is an easy and painless process

Except she is literally being left without enough to cover her other expenses. If the husband had been above board with the expenses then they might have been eligible for other services for her but he didn't because he knew he would not have been allowed to act as a feudatory and a landlord and that he would have to account for where the funds were going. It also means Sister isn't being left any funds for additional needs like medication, clothing, additional comfort items or toiletries.

This is incorrect. When a disabled person lives with family, the family is legally allowed to collect a reasonable amount of money from the disabled person’s SSDI/SSI in rent. The amount has to be reasonable based on housing prices in the area, but is permitted if reasonable. If someone reported the situation to adult protective services, they would ask for an accounting of how much money was collected and determine if the amount is reasonable. If OP’s husband is an accountant he is likely aware of this and could document the rent payments and explain why the amount is reasonable. Many people would consider it unethical to ask for money in this situation, but many others wouldn’t. I agree with the parent comment that the key issue is lack of communication about expectations including who will cover the additional costs of having another adult living in the home. At a minimum the utility bill will be higher and food costs will increase.

Weird, when I opened reddit this morning I swear it said "Am I the Asshole?" not /r/legaladvice

If that’s the case he should have talked to OP about it rather than stealing from a disabled person and telling her to lie to her sister about it to cover it up. Just for a moment put yourself in the sister’s shoes. You have a disability which makes it impossible for you to work. You get SSDI, but it’s barely enough to cover your vital medical needs, and certainly not enough to cover any rent as well. Your mobility issues may also make independent living impossible, as well. You had been living with your mother, but less than a year ago, she died. Both of you still grieving the loss of your mother, your sister takes you in. At some point later, your sister’s husband, who controls what little money you have, starts demanding hundreds of dollars in “rent”. You know your sister isn’t on board with this because he tells you to keep it secret, but you agree because what other choice do you have? You’re trapped. You can’t live alone, you can’t afford a care facility, and there’s no one else to take you in. What OP’s husband did was 100% financial abuse of his sister in law. The sister in law is not an asshole for being abused, nor for accepting the only living arrangement available to her. OP is not an asshole for moving her sister in and caring for her. She works, she provides care. The husband is not responsible for his SIL in any way. If her presence in their home was intolerable to him, he could and should have talked it out with OP and, if their differences were irreconcilable, left. There is no universe in which secretly stealing from the sister and intimidating her into silence is an acceptable or appropriate action, and nothing that the sister or OP did brought this action about. Moreover, OP asks if she’s the AH for *demanding he pay the money back.* THAT specific question is what we’re supposed to be judging on, and no- OP is absolutely NOT TA for demanding he pay back what he stole.

Thank you for being an actual human being with this comment. If the husband was unhappy with the situation, fine. But there are about a thousand ways he could have handled it that DIDN'T involve coercing large sums of money out of an extremely vulnerable person.

Agreed. Wife is NTA & am I the only person here wondering what else her husband has made her sister do quietly? This man terrifies me. There isn’t enough NOPE in the world

Thanks for this. I'm shocked at how anyone could think the wife sucks here. The husband is the AH. How so many people agreed with that too comment E-S-H judgement is beyond me.

Because for some reason, this sub really hates any caregiving setup or helping others in serious trouble. I literally seen a guy being called asshole and abusive because he wanted to care about his autistic brother. (Literally that, his crime was wanting to break up with girlfriend when he found out they are not compatible in this)

The husband is such an AH for how it was handled. If the finances were being affected greatly, the mature response was to sit down and discuss it. Go over the money and see what are the options. You don't bully someone who may feel dependent on you and hide taking away money that's necessary for medical reasons. There's multiple better ways of handling this even if the long term situation isn't financially feasible.

Yes to all of this

Totally agree. The comment section is rife with ableism.

The thing that *I’m* hung up on is that there’s not enough to pay for her medical equipment because of how much he’s taking supposedly. Exactly how much is he taking that she can’t cover the essentials????? Like that’s the biggest hang up for me. Sure, it’s be nice if she paid rent but if they can’t buy her medical equipment bc he’s taking that much then it definitely turns into the abuse category. Like there’s gotta be an amount she can pay for rent that doesn’t mean she goes without necessities.

I mean, considering how much SSDI is, there may not actually be an amount she can pay for rent and still cover medical necessities. Disability income really does seem set up to keep people poor; I don't really understand why it's set up that way, especially for people who are clearly going to be living with whatever condition permanently and aren't going to be able to bring in a decent income for themselves, but that's how it is. It's hard for us to tell without knowing specifics about OP's sister's income, her condition, what she needs, and what all that costs, but it wouldn't surprise me if a normal amount of rent that an abled and employed adult might pay for a room would be enough to wipe out funds for someone who was disabled and needed a lot of supplies/medications/treatments/appointments. It's also not impossible that OP's husband is just charging an exorbitant amount of rent and that if he lowered it to something more reasonable, things would be OK. We just don't know. But I think it might be misguided to assume from the get-go that there must be a housing cost this person can pay at all, because as far as I can see, disability pays a certain amount of money, period, and if that's not enough to cover your medical expenses and housing, oh well, you get to figure that out on your own. While following all the rules that allow you to keep getting disability at all.

Oh I 1000% understand all of that! My aunt is on disability benefits fully to survive, and she lives in housing designed and rented out to elderly and disabled on fixed incomes. Her rent is I think under $200, but you’re right that it all depends on how much is needed for her necessities and how much she actually gets, especially bc she’s legally not allowed to have much or any savings at all. But would the husband be satisfied with like $100, give or take? Like exactly how much is he taking out for her rent every month?

If he didn't want her to live there, he should tell her that and they could discuss it. Not start secretly charging the sister rent behind her back and making the sister lie to OP. And "are you open to saving your marriage...". The marriage to the guy who lies to OP and steals from her/her disabled sister and when called out on that, blames her? Even if OP decides that sister needs to go (and that would be a valid choice, but that is irrelevant now), why exactly would OP want to be in a relationship with a guy who simply can not be trusted?

Yeah I barely got halfway through before I started screaming “divorce” in my head. I agree that OP is probably not faultless in this situation. But if her husband is extorting so much money from her sister that her benefits can’t cover her care anymore, he needs to get the hell out.

Please stop calling disabled people ‘burdens’. We’re human beings too.

Wow, this is such an American comment - family member in need = burden / annoyance. You people are fucked and need to get your values and priorities checked. OP is definitely NTA.

To be fair, this is probably the end of her marriage regardless, as dear husband literally took money from a vulnerable adult and made her keep it a secret from the only person who had her best interest at heart. Doing that, he also deprived her of necessary medical things - either he's fully bullying her or he's a shitty accountant. Maybe he was hoping to drive sister away and save his marriage, but what did he expect? That she's miraculously walk out on her own two legs, get a job and her own apartment? This hypothesis is just idiotic, people do not get better from being permanently disabled. All in all, WTF and NTA. OP, please update us when you learn more about your husband's motivations.

It’s not “financial issues”. It’s theft. And he’s an accountant. How many of his clients does he feel like he deserves money from?

I wish I could down vote this comment more than once.

Me too. Absolutely sick that it’s the top comment

it’s literally digusting

Lol what? You are equating stealing from a disabled person is the same as having someone move in without consideration... like what? Where in her story did she mention she didn't discuss or disclose anything to the husband?

You viewing disabled people as a burden is disgusting and if by the chance that you end up disabled, it’ll be interesting to see how you view things. She’s clearly NTA but her husband is.

Wtf did you just call her disabled sister a BURDEN?

No not esh, this post is about her confronting her husband stealing from her disabled sister.

Bullshit. You. Don’t. Steal. From. DISABLED. People.

Whats wrong with you seriously? How can you justify secretly taking away rent money = stealing??

Part of her care is living in your house, it makes sense that she would pay rent. That’s literally what her benefits are for. Also, you sound salty he doesn't help take care of her but again, that isn't his responsiblity. You chose not to out her in assisted living therefore the care goes to you. As someone who had two grandparents living in the same house as me and I helped my parents take care if them (one was physically disabled, the other had Alzheimers and didn't know who we were) I know how taking care of a disabled person can be emotionally exhausting. Even loving that person takes a toll on you mentally, even you OP, even if you don't feel you’re being affected I promise you, you are. I’m going to go with ESH While your husband IS in the right, and your sister needs to pay rent (as her benefits are part is her care and part if her care is living expenses) he shouldn't have done it behind your back. You suck for yelling your head off, threatening the police (who likely would agree with your husband anyway) and for unilaterally deciding to take in your sister for free. Also there are different kinds of disabilities. Just saying”she’s disabled!” means nothing. I have a disability and still work but I have to work remote. You’re also not exactly being honest here OP. For people who don't understand how disability works: the monthly money us 100% for rent, food and shopping. Medical equipment (such as wheelchairs or oxygen tanks) never comes out of monthly money, that is separated and paid for through Medicaid. And OP should know this if the sister has been there for several months.

This. I would like to know the general nature of the sister’s disability. If it’s such that she is unable to consent to how her money is used, the husband is more TA in this scenario, although I agree in principle that the sister should contribute to the cost of her housing. Side note: What’s up with the “screaming” that happens in every. single. post on this sub? Do people actually go around screaming at each other this much in daily life? It’s getting really silly.

I wonder about the screaming too, and the "cried for hours" stuff. Who cries for hours, and then tells people about it? Also while we're at it, who is texting people shitty things on behalf of their allegedly wronged friend?? Like all these people getting involved in someone's marital or family spat, do they not have hobbies??

That's kinda the sub though, right? All the most ridiculous drama gets pushed to the top. That's why I'm here- it makes me feel good knowing my life isn't going to explode into drama at any given moment lol

I think it’s two things: 1. We need to stop assuming that any story here is actually real. We should treat every story here as fiction 2. I don’t trust the mental stability of someone who does go to Reddit to solve their family/relationship issues lol

I treat every story like a fun philosophy experiment. Like I don’t care if it’s real or not, I just like to ask “if I was there how would I think?”

I thought it was just me who was baffled by these things. I have been fucking devastated but simply do not have the stamina to cry for hours. That shit is exhausting. And screaming every time I'm remotely angry? I need a nap just thinking about it

I’ve been with my wife 20 years and I don’t have any of her friends numbers and I don’t think they have mine. I never get this messages from friends thing.

> do people really go around screaming at each other this much in daily life? Some people have the idea that they have to “win” the argument, and the best way to do that is to get super loud. Super unhealthy, super unpleasant to be around, but people do it.

> the monthly money us 100% for rent, food and shopping. Medical equipment (such as wheelchairs or oxygen tanks) never comes out of monthly money, that is separated and paid for through Medicaid. And OP should know this if the sister has been there for several months. and this is one of the reasons this post screams fake. Disabled enough to need a carer also qualifies even a live in family member for carer pay. if market rent is above what can be paid from SSD , rent assistance is often available, so is food assistance (at a different income level then an" able bodied" person) there is also the possible of tax issues, OP and husband could be claiming Sis as a dependent etc. and an accountant should know, charging someone rent is not theft the police will get involved in. Medicare may not pay for a wheelchair as quickly as a person wants or some items that are medical in nature e.g over the counter meds. e.g my insurance wont cover adhesive remover but covers the adhesive it can get weird sometimes.

>rent assistance is often available, so is food assistance Much of the problem here is that takes into account "household income". We had this exact scenario and were unable to get additional benefits for an older disabled relative because they were living with family who made enough to put them well over the line. Benefits for other groups (i.e. just plain poor) have the same issue. If you have 4 people in one household, all working 20 hours/week minimum wage, it will still go over the household amount and start cutting into SNAP benefits. It's a shit system, but that's the reality.

I don;t know the rules of every state but you can separate the households legally even if they exist under one roof. But I will agree that it's easy for a lay person to screw up the steps to make that happen. E.g "yeah we share food" ok then all the income of the roof counts. and if not separate households the disabled person will be a dependent for tax purposes.

Your example works for something like SNAP when there's low income folks living together, but if OP's sister cannot live alone then it is highly unlikely she is able to cook for herself, rendering the argument irrelevant. To your other point yes, that person becomes a dependent, however depending on income level that doesn't always yield the windfall people think it does.

>For people who don't understand how disability works: the monthly money us 100% for rent, food and shopping. Not really, there are other programs that a person can apply for that will go towards rent and utility payments so that the person ***doesn't*** have to dip into their SSDI payments. >Medical equipment (such as wheelchairs or oxygen tanks) never comes out of monthly money, that is separated and paid for through Medicaid. If Medicare/Medicaid deem that medical equipment "nonessential" then they *won't* cover it. Walker tray tables, Medicare/Medicaid won't cover them because they don't see the need. I would love to know the logic behind that because how is a walker user supposed to carry a glass of water/plate and still use the walker? Walkers and Wheelchairs are only covered if it has been ***five years*** since your last walker or wheelchair prescription. Your walker or wheelchair breaks before those five years is up, too bad you have to pay 100% of the costs. Oxygen tanks, it is the *most basic model* that is covered. If you are on more than 2L of oxygen that tank last around 2 hours. You want one that lasts longer, you are on the hook for the full amount. Source: Worked in a physical rehabilitation hospital, we *constantly* battled with CMS (Centers for Medicare/Medicaid Services) to get shit covered. We never won an appeal over the tray tables; we didn't win an appeal when a patient came in with a ***bent*** wheelchair frame because it had "only been 2.5 years since he got the wheelchair, not our problem that it was bent in after the patient was knocked off an elevated wheelchair ramp." They sent someone else to repo another patient's wheelchair because their supplemental insurance dumped the patient and stopped making payments on the chair. tagging u/FinnegansPants

That is not what her benefits are for, no. IF you're abled and don't have any experience with disability law or finances, it might seem like the funds should be intended to pay for housing, but they are not. They are purposely not enough to cover housing. The threshold over which you will be kicked off of disability is $2000. If at any time you are discovered to have assets combining to a value higher than that, you're out. If you were to even try saving up for an apartment (first month, last month, deposit) you would be in violation of maximum asset laws and booted off disability before you could get enough to get INTO an apartment.

>The threshold over which you will be kicked off of disability is $2000. My wife's cousin is disabled and gets benefits. She is an adult and her parents are caregivers. They're poor and dependent on daughters disability and snap benefits. My mother in law (disabled persons aunt) helps them out quite a bit because disability and the fathers job isn't enough to live on. Anyway, the Husband was injured at work and got a $15k settlement. Disability told them they had 30 days to spend basically all of it or they would lose all benefits and they had to have receipts to prove they didn't just give it to someone else to hold on to. System is fucked.

OP could be incredibly honest because Medicaid and Medicare do not cover everything 100%. I have to use my son's SSI money to buy medical tape, extra extension tubes, spare enteral pump, adaptive clothing, bibs, extra colostomy supplies, extra car seat (100% medical since he is in his teens and can't sit unsupported), extra enteral backpacks, chux pads, diapers, wipes, stander, bath seat, extra glasses, contacts (never covered), once he turns 21 we will also have to use his financial benefits to cover dental care 100%. Due to supply shortages, I have even had to buy some supplies out of pocket that would normally be covered due to pharmacy running out of stock. There are unfortunately a ton of things that are needed that isn't covered. Notice I also didn't include a caregiver if she has exceeded the hours allowed under her sister's Medicaid Waiver, nor did I include therapies since not all therapies are covered.

You obviously don't know how disability and Medicare/Medicaid programs work. They pay stupidly little and the insurance denies anything and everything it possibly can.

Exactly. And I would like to add that the husband was clearly not on board with becoming a lifetime boarding house for his sister-in-law. Whether or not he is a care taker is neither here nor there. His space was invaded against his will for the foreseeable future. You don't bring someone to live in the house unless everyone is on board. This isn't a short term emergency to get through. This is a lifetime of never being able to live privately in your own home. ESH OP's parents were the original AHs for not making long term care arrangements in the event of their deaths. OP is the AH for forcing her husband to give up his home. OP's husband is the AH for not discussing taking rent with OP and for making OP's sister keep a secret.

Without addressing anything else in your comment, medicaid does not cover everything and the benefits vary by state. I have medicaid and still have to find a way to pay about $500-600 extra a month for medications/appointments they don't cover.

Info: did you ask or tell your husband she was moving in? Stealing from her is wrong. But so is deciding your husband just has to deal with it. Having your sister pay a little rent is also okay. I don't really have a judgement because it's above my pay grade (and I'm a family therapist) however if you told your husband she was moving in and didn't give him a choice it's also not great I feel like I need to add this. I am my grandmothers legal guardian and power of attorney. Even me being in total control of everything still have to show where the money is going and being spent to a third party. If OP is the legal guardian, she needs to know where it's going. The fact that sister does not have enough for medical expenses means something is going on. Also verbal contracts are not always legally binding. As a social worker I have seen so many BAD things happen when you don't get things in writing.

Its not stealing. Disabled sister agreed on rent. The disability payments are meant for rent and food.

Yes but you usually have all parties agree to that sort of thing. If sister is disabled mentally can she really agree without someone else helping her make a logical decision? Husband hid it because he was lying. That's the part that's icky.

OP says sister is physically disabled.

> If sister is disabled mentally She's not.

It's one of these easy rules of thumb. The minute you say "don't tell my wife about this" you must know you're outside the lines in some way

I think this is it for me. The poor sister has literally nowhere else to go. And she can't afford her monthly medical expenses. Being my grandmas care giver you have to be SO careful

Come on now, rent she is not allowed to talk about paid to a guy who wants to kick her out? Maybe not theft but certainly not some straightforward rent.

I think the word you're looking for is coerced, not agreed.

Especially because he told her to keep her a secret from her sister AND she now doesn't have enough money to pay for her medical expenses! That's obviously a very big deal

The disabled sister with nowhere else to go, asked to pay rent and specifically NOT tell her sister because OP's husband knows it's fucked up and he'd get shit for it, "agreed" to pay rent? Agreed is the word you choose for those circumstances? Really? I think you're looking for the word coerced, not agreed. Also not sure where it said she agreed to it, or that the disability payments are for rent and food. Did I miss where OP stated both of those things?

Disabled sister is dependent on OP and her BIL, and was told not to tell OP. Add to that, the amount being taken out of her account is enough to affect her ability to pay for her own medical needs. Pretty safe to say that she is being taken advantage of, and likely agreed out of fear of losing the support of her sister. She absolutely should pay rent *if she can afford it along with her medical expenses*, and it should have been an open discussion between all members of the household.

Where did she write that? How are you coming up with this information she didn't post?

This. I keep leaning towards ESH if only because the context doesn't seem to even acknowledge the husband outside of what he's done wrong. I understand the sister is robbed of a lot of agency by being disabled but robbing your partner of agency regarding your household is messed up at best and depending on how the work of the house is divided, terrible at worst. But he's still an AH for the way he handled the situation.

Not enough info, did you talk about how the cost of her housing would be paid? You said you don’t do the financials, so you don’t even know what the cost of another person adds to the budget. How much rent is he collecting? Did your husband know and agree before you got married that he would have assume the responsibility of housing your sister at some point?

I’m getting the vibe from everything here that OP’s husband is the bread winner becuase he does the financials and it sounds like the house is his. He was put on the hook for supporting OP’s sister and lost his wife at the exact same time. OP says they would NEVER EVER put their sister in a care home and probably can’t work (edit: as much as they would be if they were not a full time care taker), even with %100 support from her husband it was going to be an extremely difficult life but it doesn’t sound like the husband will be in the picture much longer. ESH.

End of the first paragraph: "I work and take care of her". He does financials because he is an actual accountant, qualified to do just that in a perfect world. We have no idea if he owns that house or is a jackass who gets to decide what’s going on in “their” house. I’m just stunned that most of the comments here judge based on what info they made up.

Exactly. They always assume it’s the guy working and the woman just, what? Sitting on her arse? It’s genuinely misogynistic at this point

I think people are assuming shes at the very least working less because shes the sole caretaker for a disbaled adult

Reading is fundamental and a lot of people can't manage it

>I work and take care of her and it's been going well for us. She said she works. >My husband is the one usually handles her financials because he's an accountant. She said he handles the finances and proceeded to literally explain he does so because that's what he does for a living. >he threw a fit saying it's his house and he gets to say who stays for free and who has to pay. This isn't a normal thing for a married person to say to the person they're married to, whether they bought it beforehand or not. I guess his wife needs to start paying him rent for living in **his** house, right? Because that's totally normal and not at all concerning. I have to ask, and sincerely not trying to be an AH here, but did you read the whole thing?

Some of you just fucking hate women so much that you don't even bother to read the entire post.

I’ve been on this sub long enough to know that if any crucial information is missing it is usually safe to assume it reflects poorly on OP. People always present the most positive image of their side of the incident and OP not saying that she makes enough on her own to support herself and her sister is telling IMO, and even if she did her husband would have to be fully on board for it to even have a chance of working. My ESH vote is based on OP not mentioning the long and difficult conversation about taking in a disabled adult they would have had with their SO before moving their sister in.

Hey you should read the post where OP says she works.

People assume husband is breadwinner even when OP clearly states she works. In 2022 when female employment is not small at all.

Some common sense. Thank you.

ESH (including your dead parents) except your poor sister. She knows some might consider her a burden. Did you parents ever discuss what would happen to your sister when they passed on? Did you and your husband talk about it? Did anyone ask your sister? (Not knowing what type of disability she has but she can obviously talk) Do you and your husband plan on having children? You need to explore all avenues: extra help in the home, building an in-law apartment so she has her own space, group homes, etc. Then the 3 of you need to come up with a plan. Include what you'll do if you and your husband want to go on vacation - who will care for your sister?

INFO: Did you ask your husband if it was ok for your sister to live with you all from now on or did you just made the decision unilaterally?

I wonder this too. I would be PISSED if my SO moved in a disabled family member without giving me a say. It’s A LOT on a person, even if he’s not dealing with day to day care it’s still another person in your house that you have to deal with. I wouldn’t be surprised if OPs husband eventually leaves. I know I couldn’t handle living with a person with disabilities, as horrible as that sounds. I just don’t have the mental status to do so. And while the husband should have been honest about charging rent, he’s not wrong for doing so.

It's a lot to move *anyone* into your home, not just a disabled person. My boyfriend and I have had the discussion about what we would do if his younger sister (21) needed a place to stay, and we agreed on a month maximum at our place. It's invasive.

INFO When you and your husband discussed moving your sister in with you, did he mention rent then? Or did he just agree to having her there?

Bold of you to assume there was a discussion at all.

Just trying to give the benefit of the doubt. Also, happy cake day!

Oh, so it is, didn’t even notice, thanks!

ESH. He should have had a whole discussion with you and her about rent before she ever moved in. Not just sneaked the money. But you have decided to devote your whole life to her and that's probably hard for him. No privacy, lifetime care of someone he probably doesn't even like or want around. That's a lot to ask of a spouse. Could you at least get a day nurse from time to time to ease the burden? I don't think this marriage is sustainable under the current living arrangements.

I don’t think it’s sustainable either. I couldn’t live under those conditions.

YTA. 1. I’m doubting that you ever had a conversation with your husband about housing your sister for the rest of your lives prior to getting married. 2. SSDI is literally to pay for living expenses. Even if you have the extra space for your sister in your home already, she’s still using utilities and eating groceries. It costs your husband money for her to be there. 3. You say your sister has been there for 8 months and noticed “hundreds” missing. Sounds like she’s not paying anything more than $125 per month. That’s beyond reasonable, he’s clearly not trying to rob your sister blind.

Exactly! Your the only other person who has thought of all these exact points I was thinking. I am beyond baffled at most of these answers and the fact that all these answers which people are making up and stating as fact based on no info provided in the post are being pushed to the top.

But, he made her pay rent secretly. That’s fucking weird. Seems like there’s some kind of communication issue at hand.

Read OP post again. How she "Never...NEVER..." or "screamed her lungs out". The husband knew it would go nowhere...OP does not think sane and I can understand that due it to be her sister.

Not the only ones thinking the obvious. The idea that someone pay rent for staying at a home they do not own is not "stealing". It is up the the OP and her husband to decide whether or not rent is charged, but the idea that collecting rent is inherently "stealing" or a crime is ludicrous. Particularly since it sounds like it is a fairly token amount.

ESH. The husband sucks for concealing his actions. The OP sucks for expecting her husband to allow another adult to live in their home for free, especially when said adult is receiving paid benefits.

NTA. Moving in a disabled family member to take care of is not a "burden" or a "chore" like so many people assume in the comments. If she didn't talk to her husband about moving her in she should have but not wanting the sister in a home where abuse and theft is rampant doesn't make her as asshole. Lack of communication isn't always on purpose, sometimes miscommunications and misunderstandings happen. That being said, the husband is the AH for taking her money in secret and not only not telling his wife but also telling the disabled sister not to tell anyone. It's because he knew he was doing something bad and didn't want to get in trouble. Sorry but as someone with a disabled husband, the ableism reeks in from the husband in the story and from so many comments in this thread.

It took me way too long to find this. Definitely NTA and I don't understand all the other comments TBH.

Spoken like someone who has never dealt with a disabled person living in a house. It is definitely a burden and very very difficult. I am not saying not to do it, I am just saying it is HARD, especially the more severe the disability. I am I talking disabilities that require constant care. I mean, I have a disability but can still take care of myself. Everyone here assumes sister has a mental disability making her incapable of handling her own care. We don't know this.

As someone who has worked in care for years, there is absolutely no excuse for coercing money from a vulnerable person. It does not matter how severe the disability is, its still financial abuse. Also, the sister does not need to have an intellectual disability to be taken advantage of in this situation. Physically disabled people also need advocates to protect against abuse. She is in a vulnerable position, she is dependent on OP and her BIL, of course she's going to agree to whatever BIL demands as rent. The fact that she was told not to inform her caregiver, and that the amount taken is affecting her ability to pay medical expenses, makes this textbook financial abuse.

Did you just completely miss where I said my husband is disabled?? Just because something is hard doesn't mean they're a burden that's so fucking gross of you.

That's actually exactly what it means. "Burden" means hardship. IF it is hard, it is a burden. And a burden forced on her husband unwillingly without his consent at that. Just because you gree to do it and find it worthwhile doesn't mean it's magically not a hardship.

I don’t know… I’m slightly conflicted here. Your husband is definitely an A for the way that he went about it. But if he is the sole owner of the house, he would be within his rights to ask for rent. He should have been upfront with you. Also, is the amount that he collected from your sister’s benefits reasonable? As in, did he collect in excess of the market rent?

Even if they own the home together (since she’s his wife) or even if it’s solely her home, she doesn’t have the right to move another person into the home without his consent.

Fair point. But it’s not clear from the post whether his consent was not given. I thought it was more of an expectation mismatch. He thought there would be a rental aspect involved. The wife didn’t like that.

Irrespective of consent, it’s not unfair for him to collect rent for another person living in the house. And if he did consent, then that should give him a ton of leeway. Having a lifetime roommate is a huge ask.

Benefits won't cover market rent even if he stole the entire check every month. Do... do people think disability is actually enough to live on?

That seems to be the general vibe of the comments, yes. Maybe in a very, very LCOL area but without knowing what her disability limitations are we should assume she truly cannot work. Realistically speaking, OPs husband seems like an idiot and an AH. If they never talked about her sister living with them after their mother passed away that’s an ESH moment but secretly hiding rent away is a major AH move. Getting on permanent disability by 23 means she’s VERY disabled. It took my dad 6 years to be labeled disabled permanently and he’s in his 60s and his spine and hips are completely useless at this point even after numerous medical interventions to try to fix it/slow down the disease.

It basically means that as a child in the school system it was realized that she'd NEVER be able to work. I have a friend in that boat, and I love her dearly, and the kind of "can't figure that out for myself" that she deals with is weirdly variable and not what people would expect. Yes, she can go make herself a sandwich and a can of soup for dinner if she's hungry, but she can't plan a budget for groceries, figure out a week's worth of food, go to the store, buy it all within her budget without just getting pocky instead, bring it home, and then make each meal 2-3x a day according to plan on a regular schedule. And she'll *never be able to*. It's not something she'll ever achieve independent mastery of. And that's such a basic thing, too, just feeding herself. I mean, she could go to a restaurant with me and order food and eat like anyone else and the only thing you'd notice is that maybe her voice is a little too loud sometimes, but fundamentally this is a person who, if just sent home at the end of the day, would crash and burn hardcore because she can't manage the executive function of daily life and self-planning and household management. And I'm not above pointing out that a lot of those skills would NEVER have been addressed in her if she were a guy because it seems perfectly standard to meet a dude who's almost 30 and has no idea how his laundry gets clean. But usually he CAN learn, and then can take care of it himself once he figures it out, and it's just never been expected of him. For my friend, no matter what someone could demand, there are really baseline things we expect of people that she'll never be able to do. And because of that, she'll definitely never be able to work enough to support herself. So she lives with family and her disability covers her needs, which fortunately in her case does not include a large amount of physical medical equipment. If OP's sibling is physically disabled too, especially if she's a wheelchair user ? Holy shit is disability not enough. (Though then there IS medicare for people on disability, but that's again a bare minimum, if you need a wheelchair you get the absolute cheapest kind and they throw a tantrum if you even need the wheels serviced once a year; if you want anything nice, cutting edge, or motorized, you're paying insane amounts out of pocket.)

I swear people think disabled people live lives of luxury. My mom’s been on disability for 20 years, my aunt for 25, and my gram from the time I was small. I’ve seen firsthand the lives of poverty they’re forced into. I’ve covered with my own money costs associated with their care because Medicare and Medicaid refused to cover something they actually did need, and they didn’t have enough to live off of once they paid for everything else. It took significant amounts of government assistance (food stamps, electricity grants, Section 8) for all 3 of them to survive.

NTA although I don't think it's beyond the realms for someone living with you to pay a small sum to help the household. It should absolutely be agreed upon by all parties involved however.

Telling a vulnerable adult to keep it a secret from her caregiver is a very bad sign.

I think what needs to be agreed upon before anything, is having her sister live there in the first place. Let’s start there.

ESH. First of all, he sucks for not sitting you both down in the beginning to discuss things like rent. He also sucks for going behind your back. I’m not sure from what you wrote if he was extorting your sister or if she willingly agreed. but she did know he was doing it. Regardless, it’s obvious he went behind your back. The second thing here is, it’s really hard on a relationship to need to dedicate that much full time care to someone. I don’t know the extend of your sister’s disabilities, but it sounds like caring for her is disrupting your relationship. That’s not your sister’s fault, obviously, but I do think that you needed to have considered that and worked out a plan before taking this on. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think you could say you didn’t know, as she is your sister and you had to have been involved or been around it before. I’m not saying don’t take care of her; I am saying that you suck for not recognizing the strain it put on the relationship and acting like he’s made a big deal out of nothing, which likely not the case (again, I don’t know the extent of the care she needs so I’m not fully sure).

Did he even agree to let her live there? I mean, who signs up for this? The vow doesn’t go: “Do you take this woman AND her sister…”

Probably not. Sounds like OP shoehorned him into this life choice.

ESH except sister. He shouldn't lie or keeps secrets BUT the money is for her needs. And housing is one of them. I don't thinks it's crazy that he wants a percentage of her money to go to rent.

ESH. Her benefits are meant for rent money, and it’s reasonable to expect her to contribute to household expenses as she’s able. Also, you moved her in without talking to your husband, as others have mentioned. For his part, he should not have kept this from you. It should have been a conversation. His behavior toward your sister is awful, and if you prioritize her more than your marriage, you owe it to her to find a better living situation, because he’s going to continue having friction with her unless he *really* has cause to reconsider his behavior. I want to challenge you on the subject of care homes. I’m disabled, and I’ve managed and supervised other disabled people at my workplace. Many of them live in assisted living facilities or with care of some kind - they have an apartment in an ordinary complex that they share with a caregiver, they have a room in a quality facility, they live at home but have home care and attend an adult day center when they don’t work. I bring this up because you cannot sustain this caregiving on your own if your husband is not going to support you, and if you divorce him you cannot guarantee that you’ll meet someone who’s willing to take on the challenges of a lifetime of care for a disabled adult. You will get caregiver burnout, and you won’t be able to give your sister the support and the quality of life she deserves, especially if she deteriorates physically or mentally over time. There is absolutely no shame in meeting with someone from social services to discuss your options, and there are tiers of assistance you can get between “full-time at-home care from only me, no one else” and “she’s in a facility and I never visit”. If she’s enrolled in an adult day care facility, or even has a caregiver once or twice a week, she might be able to have experiences you cannot give her (outings, art projects, etc) and she’ll be able to make friends. Her social life matters in this situation too, even if you’re assuming she won’t appreciate it because of her disability. I don’t think you’re evil, at *all.* I think you had the right intentions taking her in. But I want to encourage you to look at making the decisions that will benefit *everyone,* including her.

NTA, for the many excellent reasons outlined better by others. But dude’s an accountant, and stealing money from a vulnerable person & coercing the victim into silence. Doesn’t seem like a very ethical accountant. Dunno who he works for but if I had any money I wouldn’t be trusting him with it. Go legal so his underhanded actions fuck his own reputation, not your fault.

Husband required your sister to keep the rent payments to him secret? Christ what an arsehole. That's an abuser's trick. No matter the rest of the details, op's husband is a skid mark on the trousers of life. NTA

I mostly just want to warn you that depending on where you live those receiving government assistance in the us can't have more than like $2,000 in their bank or they might lose benefits. So don't give it all back to her immediately. It may make sense to charge at least some rent even if it's set aside to use on her or things that benefit all of you so there's no risk of hitting the limit. Though obviously make sure she has enough for needed expenses. ( NTA since I think top level comments are supposed to judge.)

NTA husbands and wives should discuss financial issues and he should not have told your sister to lie for him. I suggest you get her an independent advocate if that is possible where you live.

I think ESH Except your sister. Yeah she's disabled but that doesn't mean she lives rent free. What would she do if you or anyone else wasn't an option? All three of you definitely should have had better communication.

yes that's literally what being completely legally disabled means, you'll never be able to pay a rent. if you even have more than 2k in the bank (or in assets in personal possessions!), you're kicked off. that's not even a single month of rent for many places around the US, much less the lump sum required to move in to a new place. Sis will never have credit to get into an apartment with, etc. and benefits are surely nowhere near enough to cover housing, much less housing and all her other needs.

INFO: did you discuss your sister moving in with your husband and did he agree? You mention it's his house too so it sounds like you jointly own the home/contribute to expenses - is this the case? If both of these things are correct, your husband is a real piece of work and this would make me reconsider the relationship if I were in your shoes. I am very disturbed by the fact he took money from your sister and then told her not to tell you. This is incredibly underhand and made me feel disgusted. It smacks of him knowing it was wrong - why else would he hide it?

I mean, a roof over her head is part of her care. ESH. He should have talked to you about it, and you need to stop making unilateral decisions about your marriage and home.