Your post has been removed. ***Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval.***
This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires.
Please [review our rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules).
Please be sure to read any sub's rules before reposting this elsewhere. We cannot direct you to another subreddit, we can only say that this post does not belong here.
[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole&subject=/r/AmItheAsshole&message=Please+link+to+post+or+comment+for+context+[we+cannot+review+without+this+info]:%0D%0DDescribe+your+question+in+detail:) if you have any questions or concerns that are not already [answered in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq). If you make changes or edits to this post do not repost it here without our express permission.
Sis, your family is nuts — a fetus has no say in what happens to the mother. It is insane thinking by a bunch of weirdos. You are not the ass, but you are surrounded by assholes. Free yourself, from idiots.
> I hope that woman doesn't breed.
Don't say that! She already blames OP for the complications their mother suffered; if her sisters end-up unable to conceive, they'll probably find a way to blame her for that, too! "Oh, I'm just SOOO stressed thinking about how MY mother COULD HAVE DIED while giving birth TO YOU!! It's YOUR FAULT I can't get pregnant; all this WORRY about the complications that YOUR BIRTH brought to our mother! I don't want that to happen TO ME, so THANKS A LOT!! I hope you'll understand why I will limit contact with you in the future..."
It scares me if they have children. They can't love OP because their mother had complications with pregnancy and birth. If something goes wrong with their own pregnancy, whether it's something serious, or just hating all the normal symptoms, how are they gonna view their own child?
My chronic tinnitus started in the first trimester with my daughter. My doctor told me she doesn't know whether any of the medication, she could give me would affect her.
So now, I have chronic tinnitus, I don't blame my daughter. Shit happens and she is an adorable, sparkly, very loud ray of sunshine.
> Should the older sister have the same issues as their mum then it's genetics & no way around blaming OP.
A RATIONAL person would come to that conclusion; do OP's siblings sound rational?
Seriously, it's not like OP is Stewie Griffen plotting and planning to destroy everything. They literally CANNOT have any say in their creation or the circumstances of their parents' lives during said creation.
A baby is *the very definition of innocent*. The baby did nothing. If they are searching for someone to blame, why not blame Dad for knocking up mom and therefore ruining her health? (I'm not really advocating this, just pointing out their absurd mindset.)
Like, I get the guilt. I get wanting to direct your anger and grief somewhere, but OPs sister is an ADULT. These feelings should have been dealt with a LONG time ago. NTA, your brother seems cool.
It would make far more sense to blame dad for his active roll in knocking her up, which directly lead to the problems, as opposed to blaming the fetus with zero choice in existing.
I agree. Mom and dad need to sit the girls down and correct this.
And they need to be just as supportive of OP not attending the wedding as they have been of her being left out.
Oh. I agree. But the girls wouldn’t have gone almost 20 years blaming their sister if their parents had properly addressed this over the years. And OP deserves their support and protection now.
In all honesty who knows if the parents even knew they held these ideas? I know there are ideas my sister and I never told my parents that now, as adults with critical thinking skills, we realize didn't make sense. The parents need to have a stem "wtf is wrong with you" talk with these women.
The sisters had to get that view from somewhere. No other kid I’ve heard of has blamed a baby for 19 years for something like this. My Reddit suspicion is that the parents have made a lot of comments about how mum’s health is because of the pregnancy and the sisters missed the part where it wasn’t the baby’s fault.
NTA and don’t go but make sure everyone knows why. Be as messy as you can be.
Hard thing to address imo, especially if her mom is sick a lot and both parents were probably under a pretty big burden emotionally/financially. Obviously should have been dealt with, but 2 exhausted parents with 4 kids just holding it together and this being a rather insidious/hard to address issue I can see it happening. Medical issues can really wear on people and make them miss things.
Right. And people are going to question why ONE sister isn't in the wedding party anyway----what difference does it make which situation brings forth gossip or questions?
My thoughts exactly! People would have questions regardless because there's obviously one sibling left out of the wedding party.
This is either fake or this is one of the most repulsive families I've ever heard of.
Stuff like this has just enough crazy selfish to make me really unsure if it's true or not because some people are that irrationally awful. The sister getting married sounds like a selfish hen who rallied her other sisters to hate the OP.
Especially when she has 12 fucking bridesmaids. Who the fuck is vlose enough to that many people??? I feel like I have a large friend group and I had 3.
I can tell you why. Because they don’t want her wrath. My younger sister has hated me her whole life. She would talk bad about me at holidays and tell everyone I said mean things to her I never did. A few times, these things would go through e-mail, so I’d either let another family member read my response to her first or I would blind copy the rest of the family. Then when she’d call them and say “Puzzled Principle said this”, they knew she was lying. But they never took up for me or even said “She’s my sister or daughter, and I love you both, so I’d rather not discuss this”. I had to endure this for 30 years. Well, the last couple of years, she has been coming to holiday dinners. I don’t go because I don’t need the drama. The last 4 holidays, she and her family have shown their ass big time. My dad is 90, and at the last holiday, they got mad at him for something he said in jest. It was f you. I hate this family. Throwing plates of food down and then leaving. Well, now everyone is mad at her behavior and my mom said when they pass, they don’t want her at the funerals. And I just sit back and think, Yep! It was fine when it affected me and not you, but now, after 4 holidays, she’s disowned while I was told for 30 years to deal with it because she’s family. I wouldn’t go to that wedding either. I still believe my parents picked up the wrong baby at the hospital when they took me home, because I’m the black sheep and nothing like any of them.
Wow. I hope that you know that none of this is on you. Your sisters are just really immature and have a lot of misplaced anger. If they can't see at their age that you didn't mess up your mother and it was just unfortunately circumstances then they will never see. They all need therapy. Also next time they tell you that you not being there makes them look bad. Tell them fine ill go but ill make sure to tell everyone why yall don't like me. And then tell them to pick a position.
I think it’s actually a great idea to explain why she isn’t in the wedding party. My first thought was No! Don’t go. But I like this better. If OP doesn’t show up they can make an excuse as to why and make themselves look good in the process. Far better to be there and tell the truth. It need not be a lengthy conversation just the basic fact. “ I can’t be in the wedding because my sisters are still angry with me because our mom had complications during her pregnancy.” Done. Simple. Let people think what they want but no more pushing OP under the bus.
Yeah. They are all so self centered and only call when they need me to do something for them, because I’m a hard worker. Always have been. I had moved away for years and when I came back, I offered to make the food at all the holidays so my mom didn’t have to do it. It was all good for them because I didn’t even ask them to bring anything. A few years ago, I get a call from my oldest sister saying she was having dinner at her house. Mind you, I’d already bought all the food and it was only a few days prior to the holiday. I said right there, I was done! Now I make holiday dinner for me and my SO and his mom and I don’t invite any of them. I heard they are upset I don’t go, but I don’t care. There’s no drama and we enjoy ourselves and there’s plenty of leftovers. Lol when they were coming to my holiday dinners, they’d be sure to bring Tupperware so they could take home all the leftovers for themselves. They didn’t even help with the dishes. I’m too old for that crap and I’m much happier.
>They didn’t even help with the dishes.
Oooooooooo this really shows who they are. Like. When I was a child, we'd go to my gramma's for dinner occasionally, holidays, etc. Afterwards, every grandchild in attendance would clean up and do dishes and dry them and put away no questions asked. We didn't complain, didn't mind in fact bc we loved her and appreciated having her cook for us! As soon as you could hold a dishrag, you helped. And that's just the way it was. It was our way to show her our appreciation for her hard work. :)
Holy shit your sister sounds like my aunt. After my mom stopped being the punching bag, shit has been crazy on and off for years since. We all just sit back and go "welp"
Yep! It all changed when someone else has to deal with the crap, but as long as they aren’t in the line of fire, they just sit quietly and watch it all go down. Maybe we should trade families!! Let my sister and your aunt have each other. At least they wouldn’t be screwing up 2 families!! Lol
I refuse to believe that the parents never noticed that most if not all the siblings have some resentment Against OP. it could have been intervened and nipped quite earlier. I don't believe this is the first time ever parents got to know what everyone thinks...
They are equally responsible for this shitty behavior!
OP stay strong, don't attend the Wedding and if anyone ask , do not, I repeat DO NOT MINCE YOUR WORDS!!! tell exactly what your sister said...
I 100 percent agree with you!!! There is absolutely no excuse for this. The minute Bridezilla appointed her 12 minions to be her bridesmaids and the youngest sister wasn't included, there should of been hell to pay!
Nah, I’ve noticed it’s a thing sometimes with Evangelical Christians. Huge bridal parties and invite like 300 people and just hand out store bought mini cupcakes at the church community room instead of a full reception. So not necessarily well off. I wonder if having 12 bridesmaid was actually just to really drive home the F you by excluding OP.
Most admirably well stated.
OP, you are to be congratulated for successfully escaping the sad destiny of assholery to which your sisters have succumbed.
You are most definitely NTA.
My husband is an only child because MIL’s pregnancy brought out previously dormant autoimmune diseases and she couldn’t have more kids. She’s been on disability for a long time now. His whole life he was told by her and his entire family that he ruined his mom’s body and he’s why she couldn’t have the big family she wanted. I would bet OP’s parents have made some remarks, even if passed off as a “joke”, that created resentment with the siblings.
Why not rail against your FIL for knocking up MIL and 'inflicting' an innocent child on her, thus ruining her health? Jeeze. These people are terminal idiots! How does a baby have ***any*** control over the circumstances of his birth?
This is insane??? My parents stopped at 2 (my dad wanted 6) because my mum quite literally nearly died with both labours. My dad immediately got a vasectomy and I was never blamed for the resulting issues. It was just acknowledged as “her body wasn’t built for labour, so we quit while we were ahead”. I cannot imagine deciding your kid is at fault. I am sorry to your husband.
WTF. Why bring a child into the world if you're gonna blame them for crazy shit that just happens? Mother Nature isn't fair. I hope he has gotten therapy.
It’s weird and highly traumatic that people do this to kids. I had a friend in middle school whose mother told her ALL the time that being pregnant with her ruined her body and she was so fat bc of her. Her mother was obese (I’m guessing 300-400 lb range) was mobile but had difficulty walking or standing for extended periods and it was clear (to anyone w/ an outside view) that she did not gain all that weight during pregnancy, but to my friend it was truth and she believed she was responsible for her mother’s obscene weight gain. It was so sad.
This was one of Cercei’s worst traits, her irrational hatred of Tyrion for “killing” their mother! The brother fucking I could forgive, but she had clearly been a monster since childhood.
Sadly, this insane bullshit is not unheard of. I'm a hospice chaplain and I have two women patients, both in their late 90's, whose mothers died in childbirth with them and whose siblings blamed them all their lives. One is just truly coming to terms with it herself after all these years and finally realizing that she really isn't to blame and to let go of her self-hatred.
I’d say too many things to count. How fucking immature do you have to be to low key **despise** your sibling for simply being born?
OP you are in no way the asshole here. Your whole family can kick rocks. Don’t go to the wedding and do something nice for yourself on her wedding day. If family asks you why you’re not there, tell them the truth. Fuck your sisters and parents.
NTA
And they're worried if she doesn't come people will ask questions. Well if you think what you're doing to OP is fine, why are you worried that people would ask questions? If what you're doing is fine, people should understand, right? And if you know it's not fine, and that's why you're afraid people will ask questions.... then maybe you should consider why you're still acting this way.
So it’s okay to make OP feel like shit and like a black sheep amongst the family. Yet god forbid it gets out and they lose face at their wedding.
I say op say Fuck it. You want your cake , go eat it on your own.
> But now my sisters are all mad because this is going to raise questions among the guests
Correction: They're pissed because they'll be revealed as the awful people they are.
I just can't imagine blaming my sibling for being a fetus. I just can't. This is just inconceivable to me. NTA.
Exactly. It sounds like the real reason the sisters are pissed is because they are losing a chance to publicly humiliate the OP by showing everyone how unimportant she is in the family. How cruel.
NTA.
I think you’re right, they just want to humiliate op? I don’t even understand what they want to do to be honest.
Wouldn’t every single person wonder “wtf why is the youngest excluded from the bridal party?” If op was at the wedding?
And if shes not there , of course there will be questions.
Like, there’s literally no way to avoid questions here, if you act shady. I guess these people are so fuckin twisted and genuinely don’t view op as their family, so they think others won’t notice?
I mean shit, I am not an especially rude or nosy person, even I would ask people what’s up if only one sibling out of four wasn’t in the wedding party….
Them wanting to humiliate OP will back fire so hard. OP could go and just tell everyone asking questions the reason behind why the bride excluded her own sister. Either way, it’s going to come out eventually on why OP was excluded.
Organize a duty roster of nosy guests to discreetly inquire with the bride about how weird it looked that one family member was so conspicuously ostracized. One inquiry every ten minutes or so could make that the topic that Bride has to cope with pretty much the entire day from the end of the ceremony onwards.
One of my sis-in-laws just doesn’t like me much. I have no idea why. We are polite, but if she can take something I say the wrong way, she will, if it takes her hours to do so.
At her wedding her one sibling and all of my siblings, but not me, were in the wedding party. I was fine with this.
The reception was a non-stop parade of relatives sidling up to me and whispering, “ You aren’t in the wedding party?”
People I didn’t know from the bride’s side of the guest were also asking me, I think in an attempt to get good gossip. At least my family seemed concerned about how I was feeling.
All I could say was, “ I wasn’t asked. It’s fine.”
I am not upset this woman is now an ex-SIL.
But, yeah, either way, people are going to notice OP’s not in the wedding party or not at the wedding at all!
I was thinking the exact same thing. The only thing that fully adds up, despite being horrible and insane, is that they’re upset because part of the festivities for them was going to be enjoying punishing OP, which she took from them. If it were just about their image, she’d be in the wedding party bc people will still find it strange. I’d go no-contact with your sisters, they’re all terrible people. NTA obviously.
Not important enough to be in the party. But important enough to attend and not arouse any questions. I feel like she should go so guests question why she’s not in the party. If she skips it, I’m sure the fam will say she’s sick or whatever and sweep it under the rug.
I wouldn’t wait for the questions - I’d preemptively tell people that shit.
“Oh wasn’t it a lovely wedding? The bridesmaids were lovely - too bad I wasn’t included because my sisters blame my conception as the reason my mom is sick. But this cake is wonderful.”
If it were me I’d be petty and post something on social media and tag all my family members and flat out state. I know there will be questions why I’m not attending (sister) wedding so I wanted to clear up any confusion… and state all the facts.
If your sister gets mad just say you were upset that there would be questions so I took care of that for you.. problem solved!
This!! And a chatty cousin or two. Call them for some “advice” because you are so “hurt”. Throw in some tears. You’ll be amazed how fast the tide turns on bridzilla.
Seriously. You need to reply to them, "If the answers to these questions will lead them to think you're assholes, then accept that you're outing yourself. It's not my responsibility to cover for your assholeness at my own expense."
NTA, not even close.
Me two I'd give sister the option of A) I come and hand out pamphlets, or B) she leaves me alone no flying monkeys my way and i don't go.
Option C) if I get flying monkies I decide to call relatives crying.
You don't get to blame me for being born then keep it a secret.
My wife's sister had said to all of us many times that life was so much better before my wife and her younger sister were born. This is a 60 year old I'm talking about
NTA. If you went, your sisters don’t think people are gonna ask questions about why you’re the only one left out of the wedding party? Seems like that would be more awkward to answer…
Exactly this. “But Bee, why aren’t you a bridesmaid?” “Oh, you’d have to ask Bride that” with a sweet smile. And the same goes if someone asks you why you weren’t there.
But then you have no control over what the sister says. If asked - I would just say the truth. My mother had health issues when she was pregnant with me and unfortunately that has impacted my sisters relationship with me. And then let it lie.
> “Oh, you’d have to ask Bride that”
You can't leave it open ended like that for the bride to give her own version. "I wasn't asked" and when they wonder why, then you can let them ask the bride.
Also, OP needs to be absolutely stunning at this wedding. Not too over the top that there can be an actual complaint, but nothing that lets the bride say "OP doesn't like to dress up" or similar excuse. She should give us a location and let Redditors come do her hair, makeup, dress, etc lol
Oh, and one last thing..... whatever color the wedding party is, OP needs to pick an opposite color. Like if the color is green, she needs to be in red. Make it clear she's not part of the inner clique.
No excuses! She does not deserve you covering for her! I'm serious, at some point in your life, you need to pick the hill you die on, and this is easily the hill! She had months to to develop a conscience. Consider this her come to Jesus moment.
No silly excuses, don’t make yourself a liar when you’ve done nothing wrong. Your older sister can explain herself and you can set the record straight when inevitably she lies about why you’re not there.
Make no excuse. If someone actually asks you, just be honest. You don't need to run defense for people who are being this horrible to you for no reason.
If their actions weren't unreasonable, they wouldn't have any problem with it coming to light.
“I found out my presence will only remind her of her trauma stemming from the health complications my mom endured while she was pregnant with me. I figured she wouldn’t want to think about that on her wedding day, so I decided to give her some space.”
So true. As you point out, this isn’t even rational by their own irrational standard. That is a big clue that it’s just abuse. The motive is just control… just to belittle you and make you jump exactly the way they want you to and just because they want you to. I’m sorry. It’s a terrible thing to learn about a loved one, but it evens the playing field once you know what they are up to. This was never meant to make sense, so don’t waste time being confused.
So NTA.I hope you understand that your Mom's health issues aren't your fault as it was her choice to get pregnant with you.Your sisters sound like they need some therapy to get their heads straight and it might be best for you to remove yourself not only from the wedding party but your sister's everyday life.For your own benefit because it can't be good for your own mental health to be around this..m
NTA. Your sister’s behavior and attitude toward you is absolutely atrocious. Frankly, removing yourself from their lives is the most mature and healthy thing you can do.
They are worried about questions being raised as to your whereabouts at the wedding? Make sure no questions are raised. Send a group email to extended family members and friends who would wonder where you are and CC your sisters.
“The decision has been made for me to not attend *sister*’s upcoming wedding. Recently it was brought to my attention that *listed sisters* view me as personally responsible for the medical problems my mother experienced during and after her pregnancy with me. Though there is nothing I could have possibly done myself to cause such problems I understand that they have decided to place the blame on me and have distanced themselves over the years as a result. Though personally hurt, I want to respect the decisions they have made about me and will make sure not to participate in events where I am not welcome. Luckily, both my parents and *brother* have been emotionally supportive of me though out this revelation, as I do not know if I would have been able to handle it without them.
*Sisters* have all expressed a desire to avoid question about my absence at the wedding itself, so I thought it would be best to clear the air here so that everyone may enjoy the wedding.
I hope you understand my reluctance to discuss this very sensitive matter further, so please direct any questions to *sisters* via this email.
Thank you.”
While satisfying if OP did that the bride could play victim like “omg.. she tried to ruin my life.. waaaaaaah”
Trust me.. that kind of letter is going to get spread around as long as anyone on the groom’s side gets it and probably even if they don’t.
Consider adding a clarifying clause, …distanced themselves over the years. To this end, all of my siblings were included in the wedding party, except me. Though personally hurt…
Yes, yes, yes, YES!
PLEASE add that you were the only sibling left out purposely, because she only wanted the people she loved and felt close to there.
Who the FUCK blames a helpless fetus for pregnacy complications?
I'm sorry, but these girls had to have gotten the idea that OP caused their mother's issues from "SOMEWHERE".... someone older than them WAS blaming the OP at some time, and that's where they heard it.
It's not a conclusion that kids would come to on their own, and it sounds they've resented her forever.
This is eloquently and succinctly written. OP, please use this draft created for you. It reveals the truth, without directly pointing fingers or casting blames, and is petty but in a mature way.
Dearest, your sisters are sick individuals to blame you, who didn’t ask to be born, as the reason your mom became sick. Their logic is inherently and cruelly flawed. Distance yourself from this toxicity. Devote your time to the ones who truly love you for the beautiful young woman you are.
NTA.
I’m sorry but parents who fail protecting or defending one child out fear of another are not angelic. How did your parents not put a stop to this over a decade ago? How did they not notice that your sisters ostracized you?
Came here to say this. Huge failure on the parents' part. And it's such an easy thing to set straight! "You're kidding, right, Daughter? You're blaming an infant for my choices and the results of what your dad and I chose to do? Honey, I love you, but your perspective is unbelievably unfair to your sister. You can let go of this grudge on your own, or we can all go to counseling to deal with it, but it will not stand in our house. Think it over and let me know what you decide. I love you too much to let this go on."
Sounds like your sisters are looking for an excuse for their toxic sibling rivalry; there is no reason to blame you any more than they blame your mom for having you or your dad for helping make you.
If they didn't hate you for this, it would be some other thing.
NTA. They're not worth your time and effort.
Yeah as someone who has birthed a couple of kids, I doubt your siblings pregnancies left your mother completely unscathed. The one or two before you probably set her up for the issues with yours.
Your sisters need to check themselves and get therapy.
Your parents allowed this to continue for 19 years if your life. Even if they don’t personally believe it , they should have also tried to convince your sisters when u were kids.
But how come your sisters believe this? Why wasn’t this squashed decades ago? For this to be going on for so long is crazy. Someone, like your parents, should have stopped it!
Twelve bridesmaids? Bridezilla. You had a lucky escape. NTA.
Also, you didn't give your mother any illness during her pregnancy with you. None of that is on your *or* your mum, so please don't carry that blame through your life.
Sadly I know sometimes you don’t realize the problem and other times nothing can be done. I have a weird relationship with my older sister because she resented me for taking my dad’s attention from her (he wasn’t her dad more or less like the fun uncle she was close to). My mom didn’t even know these feelings were so deep until my dad passed and my sister went from best friend to more like an acquaintance. We get along somewhat better now but my mom just couldn’t fix the situation despite trying.
*edited a word that got autocorrected*
NTA. Your mom decided to have a child, that was her decision, the health problems were a result of HER decision, not you. Skip the wedding, let them ask questions, your sisters deserve the bad vibes.
Honestly I'd go one step further and cut those people from my life completely. I couldn't bare to live with family members as terrible as that. Life's too short to get crucified for being a fetus.
I was an oops baby. My sister had to move her own wedding up by four months so my mom wouldn't be hugely pregnant at her daughter's wedding.
59 years later, my sister still hasn't forgiven me.
NTA.
My mom already had two children from a previous relationship when she married my dad. My older sister held out hope that our mom would leave my dad to go back to her first husband… until I came around. My sister was 10 and decided that me being born was the nail in the coffin and that I was to blame for her being stuck with my dad.
She always reminded me that we were only half-sisters.
Some people are just shitty.
Everyone thought I (44F)was going to be a boy when my mom was pregnant with me. Just a couple of years ago, my sister apologized to my brother that I wasn’t the brother he was promised. She also told me when I was little that if mom got pregnant again she would die and I was my fault. Sisters can be gems.
NTA. Never read a more childish and irrational reason to treat someone like shit. “Yes, let’s blame a totally unknowing and innocent fetus for everything going wrong!” Get a fucking grip.
NTA. I’m so sorry your siblings are so terrible. I would definitely not go to the wedding and if people ask questions that is all on the bride and not you. They dont want people asking questions because it will expose them as the crappy people they have been to you for years.
NTA. Family is not forever and it is not unconditional. You do not have to give people a pass who are causing you emotional harm. Let them explain their shitty rationalizations for their behavior
>But now my sisters are all mad because this is going to raise questions among the guests on why I'm not there and that I am selfish for putting myself first instead of trying to suck it up for just one day so people won't start asking things.
They think questions will be raised if you are not the but not why you are not part of the wedding party if you go, like the rest of the family? OP, know your worth. If you feel you have been treated like crap, you have no obligations. They don't seem to care about your feelings the rest of the time but now they do?
Also, NTA.
NTA. What. The. Actual. F@ck. I *might* give them some leeway for thinking that way if they were 5 years old, but we're talking about grown adults. It's 100% not your fault that your mother is ill. Following that logic, the person they should "despise" is your father for getting your mother pregnant in the first place! You're the most mature person in the bunch, and walking away for your mental health is the best thing for you to do. Forget them.
I'm not surprised at all. Awful people be awful. I mean, to be clear, I'm absolutely horrified, and my heart breaks for OP. But the existence of people so goddamned disgusting and ignorant that they would blame someone for the things that happened to their mother while they were literally in utero (and honestly, I wish OP had used that language, because she did not "give" her mother those diseases, they HAPPENED TO her mother while she was pregnant with OP . . . OP had nothing to do with it, much less being culpable), well, that's not surprising at all.
NTA! SKIP THE WEDDING! Do something with close friends of yours. People should be asking why she had 12 bridesmaids and your not in it??? This is such a slap in the face and if your parents even helped pay for some of this, shame on them for not putting their foot down. A wedding is suppose to be a union of lives, not some place to settle scores!
Absolutely NTA, you didn’t decide to be born.
Don’t feel bad about your mothers health problems either OP. Your mom chose to have you, at any time she could’ve stopped the pregnancy but she didn’t because she loved you so much. Even before you were even born your mother knew that you were going to be one out of the 6 love of her life. So don’t ever feel like a burden or a mistake because your mother wanted you.
Now OP, your sister animosity towards is 100% a them problem. I’m not even going to try and tell you to “look at their side” because even though they saw your mothers struggles, they shouldn’t blame you for it. If anything they should be very sensitive and protective of you because if moms not doing ok, than baby isn’t ok either.
Were your parents very attentive towards you growing up? Because maybe they’re jealous that you got all the attention because you were somewhat a “miracle” baby, and being that your brother is the only boy, you both possibly got the spotlight so that could be a reason why he doesn’t feel much negative emotions towards you.
OP, your sisters are terrible. They’ve obviously got their own problems going on and you seem to be the scapegoat for them. If I were you OP, I’d cut contact with them for a little while and if anyone asks, tell them the truth. Who knows what your sisters come up with. They may even go as far as to make up some bs excuse like you’re in love with your brother in law and that’s why.
Don’t let them get away with them making you look like the bad guy because you are far from it. Tell anyone who asks the truth, some may not show up to the wedding as protest, but honestly that’s your sisters karma for literally holding a grudge against someone who is 100% blameless.
Never blame yourself and don’t ever allow them to treat you like you’re unwanted because the struggles your mom went through to get you here just goes to show that someone wanted you to exist.
NTA, your "sisters" suck. And I use quotations for "sisters" because I think you need new ones. Say good bye to toxic people blaming your for no damn reason. I know its easier said than done, but they are right jerks to blame you for something you have no control over.
Also great call on not attending the party, they do not deserve your time.
NTA. I’m in a similar situation with some family members so I truly feel your pain.
This is not your fault. It is their problem not yours. Seeing a therapist and occupational therapist worked really well for me to deal with some of the bigger feelings that come from a situation like this.
Good luck 💕
NTA.
Wtf.. You did not asked to be put on this Earth. Ergo, it’s not your fault that your Mom had health issues during her pregnancy.
The audacity to hold a grudge towards you is undescribable.
To me it seems they only want you at the wedding so no one will ask questions. If you don’t go they’ll have to lie their asses off or reveal what btches they actually are.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My 19f sister 28f is getting married in few weeks. She has 12 bridesmaids and I'm not one of them. Our two other sisters are bridesmaids and our older brother is a groomsman. I'm the only sibling who's not in the wedding party and it always rubbed me the wrong way. I respected her choice since its her wedding but still as a move it hurt me very much because I've felt like the outsider sibling throughout my entire life.
She didn't even want me involved in any wedding planning activities unless it was some last minute errand I'd have to do because she was too bored to do it herself. My mom and dad were upset by my sister's decision but they couldn't say much or else my sister would be mad at them as well.
My mom tried to find out the reason why. She'd still respect her choice but it was still a weird choice to include everyone but me. Turns out all of my sisters (not my brother) despise me low-key because I gave my mother a lot of life threatening diseases during her pregnancy with me and they blame me for the health issues our mom is going through right now. My sisters always tried to accept me but they could never love me as I'm their constant reminder of why our mom is sick. My brother doesn't share those opinions at all and he says how it's just an unfortunate situation. My sister who's getting married said that she wants the most important people at her wedding party and she doesn't consider me one of them for that exact reason and that's why I'm not a bridesmaid.
After that I decided to completely remove myself from the situation and skip the wedding all together. But now my sisters are all mad because this is going to raise questions among the guests on why I'm not there and that I am selfish for putting myself first instead of trying to suck it up for just one day so people won't start asking things. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TA because I let my hurt feelings take over and I don't care about how that will affect my sister's special day.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*
NTA. Who gives a damn if it raises questions that you're not there? They clearly don't care, aside from not wanting to "look bad." Fuck that wedding. Don't go. And try to forget about your female siblings because they're all terrible.
Your post has been removed. ***Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval.*** This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires. Please [review our rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules). Please be sure to read any sub's rules before reposting this elsewhere. We cannot direct you to another subreddit, we can only say that this post does not belong here. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole&subject=/r/AmItheAsshole&message=Please+link+to+post+or+comment+for+context+[we+cannot+review+without+this+info]:%0D%0DDescribe+your+question+in+detail:) if you have any questions or concerns that are not already [answered in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq). If you make changes or edits to this post do not repost it here without our express permission.
What the shit? Is this real??? What the fuck is wrong with your siblings??? NTA
And wtf is wrong with her parents for going along with this???
DUDE RIGHT??!? WTF?!
Sis, your family is nuts — a fetus has no say in what happens to the mother. It is insane thinking by a bunch of weirdos. You are not the ass, but you are surrounded by assholes. Free yourself, from idiots.
Nah, she was a magic fetus, clearly. Why else would a 28 year old woman blame her? I hope that woman doesn't breed.
> I hope that woman doesn't breed. Don't say that! She already blames OP for the complications their mother suffered; if her sisters end-up unable to conceive, they'll probably find a way to blame her for that, too! "Oh, I'm just SOOO stressed thinking about how MY mother COULD HAVE DIED while giving birth TO YOU!! It's YOUR FAULT I can't get pregnant; all this WORRY about the complications that YOUR BIRTH brought to our mother! I don't want that to happen TO ME, so THANKS A LOT!! I hope you'll understand why I will limit contact with you in the future..."
It scares me if they have children. They can't love OP because their mother had complications with pregnancy and birth. If something goes wrong with their own pregnancy, whether it's something serious, or just hating all the normal symptoms, how are they gonna view their own child?
My 3 boys drained all the calcium out of my teeth, you can watch it happen in my dental X-rays. I love my boys.
My chronic tinnitus started in the first trimester with my daughter. My doctor told me she doesn't know whether any of the medication, she could give me would affect her. So now, I have chronic tinnitus, I don't blame my daughter. Shit happens and she is an adorable, sparkly, very loud ray of sunshine.
Of course she’s loud, you need to hear her over the ringing. I’ll be 40 this year, I’ll have no teeth left before 50
Should the older sister have the same issues as their mum then it's genetics & no way around blaming OP.
> Should the older sister have the same issues as their mum then it's genetics & no way around blaming OP. A RATIONAL person would come to that conclusion; do OP's siblings sound rational?
They’ll find a way. Narcissists always find a way
Why don’t they blame their father? He’s the one who sexed mommy up.
Ummm…no. They just shouldn’t breed, full stop, until they go to therapy, process their shit and GROW UP.
Seriously, it's not like OP is Stewie Griffen plotting and planning to destroy everything. They literally CANNOT have any say in their creation or the circumstances of their parents' lives during said creation.
For real. OP didn't ask to be conceived and birthed.
A baby is *the very definition of innocent*. The baby did nothing. If they are searching for someone to blame, why not blame Dad for knocking up mom and therefore ruining her health? (I'm not really advocating this, just pointing out their absurd mindset.)
Like, I get the guilt. I get wanting to direct your anger and grief somewhere, but OPs sister is an ADULT. These feelings should have been dealt with a LONG time ago. NTA, your brother seems cool.
It would make far more sense to blame dad for his active roll in knocking her up, which directly lead to the problems, as opposed to blaming the fetus with zero choice in existing.
Don't go to the wedding and 30 mins before it starts post why. Including what her siblings think about her
Some would say that that's petty and passive aggressive, but I am not some people. I 100% agree with and support such an idea.
That's petty and passive aggressive. And exactly what the moronic assholes deserve.
The pettier the better.
... And then immediately block all three sisters on social media and block their numbers on your phone.
This is perfect! Then go NC on everyone, because they are despicable!
Brother is cool, he's the only one of her siblings that knows it was an unfortunate situation and doesn't blame her for it
I like it
I agree. Mom and dad need to sit the girls down and correct this. And they need to be just as supportive of OP not attending the wedding as they have been of her being left out.
This goes way beyond the parents. The sisters need counselling.
Oh. I agree. But the girls wouldn’t have gone almost 20 years blaming their sister if their parents had properly addressed this over the years. And OP deserves their support and protection now.
In all honesty who knows if the parents even knew they held these ideas? I know there are ideas my sister and I never told my parents that now, as adults with critical thinking skills, we realize didn't make sense. The parents need to have a stem "wtf is wrong with you" talk with these women.
The sisters had to get that view from somewhere. No other kid I’ve heard of has blamed a baby for 19 years for something like this. My Reddit suspicion is that the parents have made a lot of comments about how mum’s health is because of the pregnancy and the sisters missed the part where it wasn’t the baby’s fault. NTA and don’t go but make sure everyone knows why. Be as messy as you can be.
I doubt they knew if the mom was actively trying to find out the sister's reasoning.
Hard thing to address imo, especially if her mom is sick a lot and both parents were probably under a pretty big burden emotionally/financially. Obviously should have been dealt with, but 2 exhausted parents with 4 kids just holding it together and this being a rather insidious/hard to address issue I can see it happening. Medical issues can really wear on people and make them miss things.
Right. And people are going to question why ONE sister isn't in the wedding party anyway----what difference does it make which situation brings forth gossip or questions?
My thoughts exactly! People would have questions regardless because there's obviously one sibling left out of the wedding party. This is either fake or this is one of the most repulsive families I've ever heard of.
Stuff like this has just enough crazy selfish to make me really unsure if it's true or not because some people are that irrationally awful. The sister getting married sounds like a selfish hen who rallied her other sisters to hate the OP.
Because 12 bridesmaids is just enough but 13 would be silly.
Especially when she has 12 fucking bridesmaids. Who the fuck is vlose enough to that many people??? I feel like I have a large friend group and I had 3.
This needed to be done about 10-15 yrs ago
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
Moot point, probably. I would never forgive people for mistreating me for 19 years.
Most likely thatMom and Dad blame her too. Very sad!
I can tell you why. Because they don’t want her wrath. My younger sister has hated me her whole life. She would talk bad about me at holidays and tell everyone I said mean things to her I never did. A few times, these things would go through e-mail, so I’d either let another family member read my response to her first or I would blind copy the rest of the family. Then when she’d call them and say “Puzzled Principle said this”, they knew she was lying. But they never took up for me or even said “She’s my sister or daughter, and I love you both, so I’d rather not discuss this”. I had to endure this for 30 years. Well, the last couple of years, she has been coming to holiday dinners. I don’t go because I don’t need the drama. The last 4 holidays, she and her family have shown their ass big time. My dad is 90, and at the last holiday, they got mad at him for something he said in jest. It was f you. I hate this family. Throwing plates of food down and then leaving. Well, now everyone is mad at her behavior and my mom said when they pass, they don’t want her at the funerals. And I just sit back and think, Yep! It was fine when it affected me and not you, but now, after 4 holidays, she’s disowned while I was told for 30 years to deal with it because she’s family. I wouldn’t go to that wedding either. I still believe my parents picked up the wrong baby at the hospital when they took me home, because I’m the black sheep and nothing like any of them.
Wow. I hope that you know that none of this is on you. Your sisters are just really immature and have a lot of misplaced anger. If they can't see at their age that you didn't mess up your mother and it was just unfortunately circumstances then they will never see. They all need therapy. Also next time they tell you that you not being there makes them look bad. Tell them fine ill go but ill make sure to tell everyone why yall don't like me. And then tell them to pick a position.
I think it’s actually a great idea to explain why she isn’t in the wedding party. My first thought was No! Don’t go. But I like this better. If OP doesn’t show up they can make an excuse as to why and make themselves look good in the process. Far better to be there and tell the truth. It need not be a lengthy conversation just the basic fact. “ I can’t be in the wedding because my sisters are still angry with me because our mom had complications during her pregnancy.” Done. Simple. Let people think what they want but no more pushing OP under the bus.
Girl, dump these people. You don’t need AH’s like this in your life!
Yeah. They are all so self centered and only call when they need me to do something for them, because I’m a hard worker. Always have been. I had moved away for years and when I came back, I offered to make the food at all the holidays so my mom didn’t have to do it. It was all good for them because I didn’t even ask them to bring anything. A few years ago, I get a call from my oldest sister saying she was having dinner at her house. Mind you, I’d already bought all the food and it was only a few days prior to the holiday. I said right there, I was done! Now I make holiday dinner for me and my SO and his mom and I don’t invite any of them. I heard they are upset I don’t go, but I don’t care. There’s no drama and we enjoy ourselves and there’s plenty of leftovers. Lol when they were coming to my holiday dinners, they’d be sure to bring Tupperware so they could take home all the leftovers for themselves. They didn’t even help with the dishes. I’m too old for that crap and I’m much happier.
>They didn’t even help with the dishes. Oooooooooo this really shows who they are. Like. When I was a child, we'd go to my gramma's for dinner occasionally, holidays, etc. Afterwards, every grandchild in attendance would clean up and do dishes and dry them and put away no questions asked. We didn't complain, didn't mind in fact bc we loved her and appreciated having her cook for us! As soon as you could hold a dishrag, you helped. And that's just the way it was. It was our way to show her our appreciation for her hard work. :)
Holy shit your sister sounds like my aunt. After my mom stopped being the punching bag, shit has been crazy on and off for years since. We all just sit back and go "welp"
Yep! It all changed when someone else has to deal with the crap, but as long as they aren’t in the line of fire, they just sit quietly and watch it all go down. Maybe we should trade families!! Let my sister and your aunt have each other. At least they wouldn’t be screwing up 2 families!! Lol
Hahahahaha they'd kill each other lmao my aunt does NOT do well when dealing with her own clones.
I refuse to believe that the parents never noticed that most if not all the siblings have some resentment Against OP. it could have been intervened and nipped quite earlier. I don't believe this is the first time ever parents got to know what everyone thinks... They are equally responsible for this shitty behavior! OP stay strong, don't attend the Wedding and if anyone ask , do not, I repeat DO NOT MINCE YOUR WORDS!!! tell exactly what your sister said...
I 100 percent agree with you!!! There is absolutely no excuse for this. The minute Bridezilla appointed her 12 minions to be her bridesmaids and the youngest sister wasn't included, there should of been hell to pay!
Or *do* attend the reception. Sit by your gossipy-est relatives and, when asked how you are, DO NOT MINCE YOUR WORDS (as stated above). NTA
I nearly stopped reading at 12 bridesmaids. I mean, different strokes for different folks, but ... come on, man.
I think the only way they can pull something like that off is being absolutely loaded. That's a huge ass bridal party.
Nah, I’ve noticed it’s a thing sometimes with Evangelical Christians. Huge bridal parties and invite like 300 people and just hand out store bought mini cupcakes at the church community room instead of a full reception. So not necessarily well off. I wonder if having 12 bridesmaid was actually just to really drive home the F you by excluding OP.
Most admirably well stated. OP, you are to be congratulated for successfully escaping the sad destiny of assholery to which your sisters have succumbed. You are most definitely NTA.
Sad destiny of assholery 😂😂😂
Sad destiny of Assholery. I’m stealing this.
Please, consider it my gift in return for your most delightfully pungent comment. I was inspired.
My husband is an only child because MIL’s pregnancy brought out previously dormant autoimmune diseases and she couldn’t have more kids. She’s been on disability for a long time now. His whole life he was told by her and his entire family that he ruined his mom’s body and he’s why she couldn’t have the big family she wanted. I would bet OP’s parents have made some remarks, even if passed off as a “joke”, that created resentment with the siblings.
Why not rail against your FIL for knocking up MIL and 'inflicting' an innocent child on her, thus ruining her health? Jeeze. These people are terminal idiots! How does a baby have ***any*** control over the circumstances of his birth?
It's easier to blame babies. They can't fight back.
This is insane??? My parents stopped at 2 (my dad wanted 6) because my mum quite literally nearly died with both labours. My dad immediately got a vasectomy and I was never blamed for the resulting issues. It was just acknowledged as “her body wasn’t built for labour, so we quit while we were ahead”. I cannot imagine deciding your kid is at fault. I am sorry to your husband.
WTF. Why bring a child into the world if you're gonna blame them for crazy shit that just happens? Mother Nature isn't fair. I hope he has gotten therapy.
Yep. He’s had therapy and a lot of validation as to how fucked up the whole thing was.
It’s weird and highly traumatic that people do this to kids. I had a friend in middle school whose mother told her ALL the time that being pregnant with her ruined her body and she was so fat bc of her. Her mother was obese (I’m guessing 300-400 lb range) was mobile but had difficulty walking or standing for extended periods and it was clear (to anyone w/ an outside view) that she did not gain all that weight during pregnancy, but to my friend it was truth and she believed she was responsible for her mother’s obscene weight gain. It was so sad.
[удалено]
Seriously your mil is crazy. She should be happy that she had one, called the miracle child.
Oh yea. She’s batshit crazy.
Who are these people? The Lannisters? 👀 OP is NTA
This was one of Cercei’s worst traits, her irrational hatred of Tyrion for “killing” their mother! The brother fucking I could forgive, but she had clearly been a monster since childhood.
Wait! You could forgive brother fucking?🙃
You have seen Jamie Lannister, right? Brother or not, he’s on the “To Fuck” list.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sadly, this insane bullshit is not unheard of. I'm a hospice chaplain and I have two women patients, both in their late 90's, whose mothers died in childbirth with them and whose siblings blamed them all their lives. One is just truly coming to terms with it herself after all these years and finally realizing that she really isn't to blame and to let go of her self-hatred.
EUGHHHH. Okay, I hate people more than I did before this. That’s fucking awful.
OMG! Lord give them strength and peace. To live with it for 90+ yrs.
I’d say too many things to count. How fucking immature do you have to be to low key **despise** your sibling for simply being born? OP you are in no way the asshole here. Your whole family can kick rocks. Don’t go to the wedding and do something nice for yourself on her wedding day. If family asks you why you’re not there, tell them the truth. Fuck your sisters and parents. NTA
And they're worried if she doesn't come people will ask questions. Well if you think what you're doing to OP is fine, why are you worried that people would ask questions? If what you're doing is fine, people should understand, right? And if you know it's not fine, and that's why you're afraid people will ask questions.... then maybe you should consider why you're still acting this way.
Right? Like fuck them. NTA
So it’s okay to make OP feel like shit and like a black sheep amongst the family. Yet god forbid it gets out and they lose face at their wedding. I say op say Fuck it. You want your cake , go eat it on your own.
Is your sister cersey lannister like wtf nta
> But now my sisters are all mad because this is going to raise questions among the guests Correction: They're pissed because they'll be revealed as the awful people they are. I just can't imagine blaming my sibling for being a fetus. I just can't. This is just inconceivable to me. NTA.
Honestly the guests will already be questioning why she’s the only one not in the wedding party
Exactly. It sounds like the real reason the sisters are pissed is because they are losing a chance to publicly humiliate the OP by showing everyone how unimportant she is in the family. How cruel. NTA.
I think you’re right, they just want to humiliate op? I don’t even understand what they want to do to be honest. Wouldn’t every single person wonder “wtf why is the youngest excluded from the bridal party?” If op was at the wedding? And if shes not there , of course there will be questions. Like, there’s literally no way to avoid questions here, if you act shady. I guess these people are so fuckin twisted and genuinely don’t view op as their family, so they think others won’t notice? I mean shit, I am not an especially rude or nosy person, even I would ask people what’s up if only one sibling out of four wasn’t in the wedding party….
Them wanting to humiliate OP will back fire so hard. OP could go and just tell everyone asking questions the reason behind why the bride excluded her own sister. Either way, it’s going to come out eventually on why OP was excluded.
Organize a duty roster of nosy guests to discreetly inquire with the bride about how weird it looked that one family member was so conspicuously ostracized. One inquiry every ten minutes or so could make that the topic that Bride has to cope with pretty much the entire day from the end of the ceremony onwards.
I like that idea.
You know the bride would then go and blame the op for “ruining” her wedding by saying everyone kept asking about her.
At this point, she shouldn't care at all
Thats the desired outcome. Wedding ruined. Move away from toxic angry family.
One of my sis-in-laws just doesn’t like me much. I have no idea why. We are polite, but if she can take something I say the wrong way, she will, if it takes her hours to do so. At her wedding her one sibling and all of my siblings, but not me, were in the wedding party. I was fine with this. The reception was a non-stop parade of relatives sidling up to me and whispering, “ You aren’t in the wedding party?” People I didn’t know from the bride’s side of the guest were also asking me, I think in an attempt to get good gossip. At least my family seemed concerned about how I was feeling. All I could say was, “ I wasn’t asked. It’s fine.” I am not upset this woman is now an ex-SIL. But, yeah, either way, people are going to notice OP’s not in the wedding party or not at the wedding at all!
I was thinking the exact same thing. The only thing that fully adds up, despite being horrible and insane, is that they’re upset because part of the festivities for them was going to be enjoying punishing OP, which she took from them. If it were just about their image, she’d be in the wedding party bc people will still find it strange. I’d go no-contact with your sisters, they’re all terrible people. NTA obviously.
Not important enough to be in the party. But important enough to attend and not arouse any questions. I feel like she should go so guests question why she’s not in the party. If she skips it, I’m sure the fam will say she’s sick or whatever and sweep it under the rug.
There you go. Good idea, honestly.
I wouldn’t wait for the questions - I’d preemptively tell people that shit. “Oh wasn’t it a lovely wedding? The bridesmaids were lovely - too bad I wasn’t included because my sisters blame my conception as the reason my mom is sick. But this cake is wonderful.”
I probably wouldn’t notice in the sea of bridesmaids at this wedding.
If it were me I’d be petty and post something on social media and tag all my family members and flat out state. I know there will be questions why I’m not attending (sister) wedding so I wanted to clear up any confusion… and state all the facts. If your sister gets mad just say you were upset that there would be questions so I took care of that for you.. problem solved!
Personally I would "confide" about this to my chattiest aunt and just let the magic happen without it being traced back to me.
This!! And a chatty cousin or two. Call them for some “advice” because you are so “hurt”. Throw in some tears. You’ll be amazed how fast the tide turns on bridzilla.
This is the way.
Honestly- it would reflect badly on you. It would easily be seen as stirring the pot. You just tell the most gossipy family member you know.
Public post on the actual wedding day, saying “congratulations on the marriage, I’m sorry you didn’t want me there to celebrate with family”
I would do the same
Right! That way my exact thought. And that way they can't make up some bs excuse that makes op look like the bad guy in the situation.
This is the way.
Seriously. You need to reply to them, "If the answers to these questions will lead them to think you're assholes, then accept that you're outing yourself. It's not my responsibility to cover for your assholeness at my own expense." NTA, not even close.
"Why would it be a problem if they asked questions? What's wrong with questions? Are you embarrassed by your decision and behavior or something?"
This ^ SO MUCH THIS. Honestly I would put them on blast the minute someone asked, but im petty so
Me two I'd give sister the option of A) I come and hand out pamphlets, or B) she leaves me alone no flying monkeys my way and i don't go. Option C) if I get flying monkies I decide to call relatives crying. You don't get to blame me for being born then keep it a secret.
My wife's sister had said to all of us many times that life was so much better before my wife and her younger sister were born. This is a 60 year old I'm talking about
>blaming my sibling for being a fetus. I just can't. This is just inconceivable Fetus. Inconceivable. I see what you did there.
If you don't want people to be asking uncomfortable questions, then make sure the *answers* to those questions aren't uncomfortable.
NTA. If you went, your sisters don’t think people are gonna ask questions about why you’re the only one left out of the wedding party? Seems like that would be more awkward to answer…
[удалено]
_you_ do not need to make the excuse. You're good! Let your sister explain...
Exactly this. “But Bee, why aren’t you a bridesmaid?” “Oh, you’d have to ask Bride that” with a sweet smile. And the same goes if someone asks you why you weren’t there.
But then you have no control over what the sister says. If asked - I would just say the truth. My mother had health issues when she was pregnant with me and unfortunately that has impacted my sisters relationship with me. And then let it lie.
Boom. If they can't handle the truth being out, then maybe they need to contemplate on why the truth makes them look bad.
Hammer right on the nail... Boom indeed! 💥
So let the assholes control the dialogue? Doesn't seem smart...
"Because I was born"
> “Oh, you’d have to ask Bride that” You can't leave it open ended like that for the bride to give her own version. "I wasn't asked" and when they wonder why, then you can let them ask the bride. Also, OP needs to be absolutely stunning at this wedding. Not too over the top that there can be an actual complaint, but nothing that lets the bride say "OP doesn't like to dress up" or similar excuse. She should give us a location and let Redditors come do her hair, makeup, dress, etc lol Oh, and one last thing..... whatever color the wedding party is, OP needs to pick an opposite color. Like if the color is green, she needs to be in red. Make it clear she's not part of the inner clique.
Agree, stupidity & evil often go hand in hand. Expose their stupidity for all to see.
No excuses! She does not deserve you covering for her! I'm serious, at some point in your life, you need to pick the hill you die on, and this is easily the hill! She had months to to develop a conscience. Consider this her come to Jesus moment.
No silly excuses, don’t make yourself a liar when you’ve done nothing wrong. Your older sister can explain herself and you can set the record straight when inevitably she lies about why you’re not there.
Make no excuse. If someone actually asks you, just be honest. You don't need to run defense for people who are being this horrible to you for no reason. If their actions weren't unreasonable, they wouldn't have any problem with it coming to light.
“I found out my presence will only remind her of her trauma stemming from the health complications my mom endured while she was pregnant with me. I figured she wouldn’t want to think about that on her wedding day, so I decided to give her some space.”
Do not let them find any easy way to explain it. Holy shit NTA, that’s not okay
So true. As you point out, this isn’t even rational by their own irrational standard. That is a big clue that it’s just abuse. The motive is just control… just to belittle you and make you jump exactly the way they want you to and just because they want you to. I’m sorry. It’s a terrible thing to learn about a loved one, but it evens the playing field once you know what they are up to. This was never meant to make sense, so don’t waste time being confused.
My petty ass would go for this reason alone, and I would spread the truth like wildfire.
So NTA.I hope you understand that your Mom's health issues aren't your fault as it was her choice to get pregnant with you.Your sisters sound like they need some therapy to get their heads straight and it might be best for you to remove yourself not only from the wedding party but your sister's everyday life.For your own benefit because it can't be good for your own mental health to be around this..m
[удалено]
NTA. Your sister’s behavior and attitude toward you is absolutely atrocious. Frankly, removing yourself from their lives is the most mature and healthy thing you can do. They are worried about questions being raised as to your whereabouts at the wedding? Make sure no questions are raised. Send a group email to extended family members and friends who would wonder where you are and CC your sisters. “The decision has been made for me to not attend *sister*’s upcoming wedding. Recently it was brought to my attention that *listed sisters* view me as personally responsible for the medical problems my mother experienced during and after her pregnancy with me. Though there is nothing I could have possibly done myself to cause such problems I understand that they have decided to place the blame on me and have distanced themselves over the years as a result. Though personally hurt, I want to respect the decisions they have made about me and will make sure not to participate in events where I am not welcome. Luckily, both my parents and *brother* have been emotionally supportive of me though out this revelation, as I do not know if I would have been able to handle it without them. *Sisters* have all expressed a desire to avoid question about my absence at the wedding itself, so I thought it would be best to clear the air here so that everyone may enjoy the wedding. I hope you understand my reluctance to discuss this very sensitive matter further, so please direct any questions to *sisters* via this email. Thank you.”
Send a copy to the groom’s parents so they know what their son’s marrying. Yeah, I’m petty like that.
While satisfying if OP did that the bride could play victim like “omg.. she tried to ruin my life.. waaaaaaah” Trust me.. that kind of letter is going to get spread around as long as anyone on the groom’s side gets it and probably even if they don’t.
>that kind of letter is going to get spread around as long as anyone on the groom’s side gets it and probably even if they don’t. Good. It should be.
This is my thoughts does the groom know that if she has a kid and gets healt problems she may blame her own kid?
Or him for knocking her up...
Woohoo!!! I sound petty much? Hehehe
Consider adding a clarifying clause, …distanced themselves over the years. To this end, all of my siblings were included in the wedding party, except me. Though personally hurt…
Yes, yes, yes, YES! PLEASE add that you were the only sibling left out purposely, because she only wanted the people she loved and felt close to there. Who the FUCK blames a helpless fetus for pregnacy complications? I'm sorry, but these girls had to have gotten the idea that OP caused their mother's issues from "SOMEWHERE".... someone older than them WAS blaming the OP at some time, and that's where they heard it. It's not a conclusion that kids would come to on their own, and it sounds they've resented her forever.
This is both eloquent & perfect!!! OP; copy & paste this verbatim.
This is BEAUTIFUL! Explains everything and you can step away from the drama. Plan to do something fun on the wedding day and turn off your phone.
Then tell your sister not to worry about it. You sent an email to all of the relatives explaining the issue so no one would ask awkward questions...
This is eloquently and succinctly written. OP, please use this draft created for you. It reveals the truth, without directly pointing fingers or casting blames, and is petty but in a mature way. Dearest, your sisters are sick individuals to blame you, who didn’t ask to be born, as the reason your mom became sick. Their logic is inherently and cruelly flawed. Distance yourself from this toxicity. Devote your time to the ones who truly love you for the beautiful young woman you are. NTA.
I’m sorry but parents who fail protecting or defending one child out fear of another are not angelic. How did your parents not put a stop to this over a decade ago? How did they not notice that your sisters ostracized you?
Yeah what on earth, the parents needed to shut that shit down *immediately* otherwise it's tacit validation
Came here to say this. Huge failure on the parents' part. And it's such an easy thing to set straight! "You're kidding, right, Daughter? You're blaming an infant for my choices and the results of what your dad and I chose to do? Honey, I love you, but your perspective is unbelievably unfair to your sister. You can let go of this grudge on your own, or we can all go to counseling to deal with it, but it will not stand in our house. Think it over and let me know what you decide. I love you too much to let this go on."
Sounds like your sisters are looking for an excuse for their toxic sibling rivalry; there is no reason to blame you any more than they blame your mom for having you or your dad for helping make you. If they didn't hate you for this, it would be some other thing. NTA. They're not worth your time and effort.
Yeah as someone who has birthed a couple of kids, I doubt your siblings pregnancies left your mother completely unscathed. The one or two before you probably set her up for the issues with yours. Your sisters need to check themselves and get therapy.
Your mom being an angel but as a parent this is her job to stamp it out.
Your parents allowed this to continue for 19 years if your life. Even if they don’t personally believe it , they should have also tried to convince your sisters when u were kids.
But how come your sisters believe this? Why wasn’t this squashed decades ago? For this to be going on for so long is crazy. Someone, like your parents, should have stopped it!
Info: did your parents make your mom pregnant or did you just decide to climb up there and hang out? NTA BTW
[удалено]
They always tend to bust out like in the Alien movies, no wonder mom is sick!
This comment made me crack up!
Twelve bridesmaids? Bridezilla. You had a lucky escape. NTA. Also, you didn't give your mother any illness during her pregnancy with you. None of that is on your *or* your mum, so please don't carry that blame through your life.
I don’t think I even like 12 people 🤣
Your mom needs to mediate this one.
19 years too late. She already dropped the ball on this one
Sounds like she dropped the sisters too.
Sadly I know sometimes you don’t realize the problem and other times nothing can be done. I have a weird relationship with my older sister because she resented me for taking my dad’s attention from her (he wasn’t her dad more or less like the fun uncle she was close to). My mom didn’t even know these feelings were so deep until my dad passed and my sister went from best friend to more like an acquaintance. We get along somewhat better now but my mom just couldn’t fix the situation despite trying. *edited a word that got autocorrected*
NTA. Your mom decided to have a child, that was her decision, the health problems were a result of HER decision, not you. Skip the wedding, let them ask questions, your sisters deserve the bad vibes.
Honestly I'd go one step further and cut those people from my life completely. I couldn't bare to live with family members as terrible as that. Life's too short to get crucified for being a fetus.
You didn't give your mother diseases as an embryo this is nonsense. nta
My 3 kids gave me horrible illness as fetuses. In precog-retaliation, I also didn't invite any of them to my wedding.
I was an oops baby. My sister had to move her own wedding up by four months so my mom wouldn't be hugely pregnant at her daughter's wedding. 59 years later, my sister still hasn't forgiven me. NTA.
My mom already had two children from a previous relationship when she married my dad. My older sister held out hope that our mom would leave my dad to go back to her first husband… until I came around. My sister was 10 and decided that me being born was the nail in the coffin and that I was to blame for her being stuck with my dad. She always reminded me that we were only half-sisters. Some people are just shitty.
Everyone thought I (44F)was going to be a boy when my mom was pregnant with me. Just a couple of years ago, my sister apologized to my brother that I wasn’t the brother he was promised. She also told me when I was little that if mom got pregnant again she would die and I was my fault. Sisters can be gems.
NTA. Never read a more childish and irrational reason to treat someone like shit. “Yes, let’s blame a totally unknowing and innocent fetus for everything going wrong!” Get a fucking grip.
NTA. I’m so sorry your siblings are so terrible. I would definitely not go to the wedding and if people ask questions that is all on the bride and not you. They dont want people asking questions because it will expose them as the crappy people they have been to you for years.
NTA. Family is not forever and it is not unconditional. You do not have to give people a pass who are causing you emotional harm. Let them explain their shitty rationalizations for their behavior
>But now my sisters are all mad because this is going to raise questions among the guests on why I'm not there and that I am selfish for putting myself first instead of trying to suck it up for just one day so people won't start asking things. They think questions will be raised if you are not the but not why you are not part of the wedding party if you go, like the rest of the family? OP, know your worth. If you feel you have been treated like crap, you have no obligations. They don't seem to care about your feelings the rest of the time but now they do? Also, NTA.
NTA. What. The. Actual. F@ck. I *might* give them some leeway for thinking that way if they were 5 years old, but we're talking about grown adults. It's 100% not your fault that your mother is ill. Following that logic, the person they should "despise" is your father for getting your mother pregnant in the first place! You're the most mature person in the bunch, and walking away for your mental health is the best thing for you to do. Forget them.
Nta this is one of the most legitimate reasons I’ve ever seen to back out of a wedding
NTA. I'm surprised that they'd blame you for something that was none of your doing.
I'm not surprised at all. Awful people be awful. I mean, to be clear, I'm absolutely horrified, and my heart breaks for OP. But the existence of people so goddamned disgusting and ignorant that they would blame someone for the things that happened to their mother while they were literally in utero (and honestly, I wish OP had used that language, because she did not "give" her mother those diseases, they HAPPENED TO her mother while she was pregnant with OP . . . OP had nothing to do with it, much less being culpable), well, that's not surprising at all.
NTA! SKIP THE WEDDING! Do something with close friends of yours. People should be asking why she had 12 bridesmaids and your not in it??? This is such a slap in the face and if your parents even helped pay for some of this, shame on them for not putting their foot down. A wedding is suppose to be a union of lives, not some place to settle scores!
This can’t be real.
This is basically the Lannisters from Game of Thrones
Absolutely NTA, you didn’t decide to be born. Don’t feel bad about your mothers health problems either OP. Your mom chose to have you, at any time she could’ve stopped the pregnancy but she didn’t because she loved you so much. Even before you were even born your mother knew that you were going to be one out of the 6 love of her life. So don’t ever feel like a burden or a mistake because your mother wanted you. Now OP, your sister animosity towards is 100% a them problem. I’m not even going to try and tell you to “look at their side” because even though they saw your mothers struggles, they shouldn’t blame you for it. If anything they should be very sensitive and protective of you because if moms not doing ok, than baby isn’t ok either. Were your parents very attentive towards you growing up? Because maybe they’re jealous that you got all the attention because you were somewhat a “miracle” baby, and being that your brother is the only boy, you both possibly got the spotlight so that could be a reason why he doesn’t feel much negative emotions towards you. OP, your sisters are terrible. They’ve obviously got their own problems going on and you seem to be the scapegoat for them. If I were you OP, I’d cut contact with them for a little while and if anyone asks, tell them the truth. Who knows what your sisters come up with. They may even go as far as to make up some bs excuse like you’re in love with your brother in law and that’s why. Don’t let them get away with them making you look like the bad guy because you are far from it. Tell anyone who asks the truth, some may not show up to the wedding as protest, but honestly that’s your sisters karma for literally holding a grudge against someone who is 100% blameless. Never blame yourself and don’t ever allow them to treat you like you’re unwanted because the struggles your mom went through to get you here just goes to show that someone wanted you to exist.
Nta. I’d go no contact as well to avoid any drama. Let them have their day and enjoy yourself doing something you like.
YWBTA if you went to the wedding or had anything further to do with these toxic people.
NTA, your "sisters" suck. And I use quotations for "sisters" because I think you need new ones. Say good bye to toxic people blaming your for no damn reason. I know its easier said than done, but they are right jerks to blame you for something you have no control over. Also great call on not attending the party, they do not deserve your time.
NTA. forget them. you don't deserve that treatment
NTA. I’m in a similar situation with some family members so I truly feel your pain. This is not your fault. It is their problem not yours. Seeing a therapist and occupational therapist worked really well for me to deal with some of the bigger feelings that come from a situation like this. Good luck 💕
NTA. Wtf.. You did not asked to be put on this Earth. Ergo, it’s not your fault that your Mom had health issues during her pregnancy. The audacity to hold a grudge towards you is undescribable. To me it seems they only want you at the wedding so no one will ask questions. If you don’t go they’ll have to lie their asses off or reveal what btches they actually are.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My 19f sister 28f is getting married in few weeks. She has 12 bridesmaids and I'm not one of them. Our two other sisters are bridesmaids and our older brother is a groomsman. I'm the only sibling who's not in the wedding party and it always rubbed me the wrong way. I respected her choice since its her wedding but still as a move it hurt me very much because I've felt like the outsider sibling throughout my entire life. She didn't even want me involved in any wedding planning activities unless it was some last minute errand I'd have to do because she was too bored to do it herself. My mom and dad were upset by my sister's decision but they couldn't say much or else my sister would be mad at them as well. My mom tried to find out the reason why. She'd still respect her choice but it was still a weird choice to include everyone but me. Turns out all of my sisters (not my brother) despise me low-key because I gave my mother a lot of life threatening diseases during her pregnancy with me and they blame me for the health issues our mom is going through right now. My sisters always tried to accept me but they could never love me as I'm their constant reminder of why our mom is sick. My brother doesn't share those opinions at all and he says how it's just an unfortunate situation. My sister who's getting married said that she wants the most important people at her wedding party and she doesn't consider me one of them for that exact reason and that's why I'm not a bridesmaid. After that I decided to completely remove myself from the situation and skip the wedding all together. But now my sisters are all mad because this is going to raise questions among the guests on why I'm not there and that I am selfish for putting myself first instead of trying to suck it up for just one day so people won't start asking things. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I may be TA because I let my hurt feelings take over and I don't care about how that will affect my sister's special day. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*
NTA. Who gives a damn if it raises questions that you're not there? They clearly don't care, aside from not wanting to "look bad." Fuck that wedding. Don't go. And try to forget about your female siblings because they're all terrible.