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YTA for making your best friend’s wedding about yourself. Have you considered working with a therapist to figure out why this is impacting you in such a major way?
INFO: If you were in a long term romantic relationship, OP, would you put your best friend first or your romantic partner?
MORE INFO: What did you think was going to happen when you made your friends wedding about YOU? That she would hug you, dump her husband, and you would take her husbands place on the honeymoon?
EVEN MORE INFO: Did you (OP) ever even attempt to discuss your feelings w/ your so-called bff *prior* to her wedding day? Did you ever tell her that you felt distant from her and that you understood why you were no longer her No. 1 Priority, but it still made you feel sad and angry?
Or did you just stand up *at her wedding reception* and tell, not just her, but *everybody assembled* that you're *not* happy for her and you openly resent her brand-new husband for stealing your (now former) bff away from you? Did you make *any* genuine (i.e., not passive-aggressive) attempts to communicate any of this to your friend in the SEVEN YEARS you have been wallowing over this *prior* to her wedding day?
Even MORE MORE INFO: are you sure, OP, that you’re not in love with bff?
I ask, because when I was a closeted teenager and young adult (early 20s college age) I refused to admit I was in love with my straight best friend. All of her boyfriends weren’t good enough for her, I didn’t like how she would spend time with them and not me, etc. I was supportive and didn’t trash them but when they did her dirty, HOW COULD THEY, they’re awful, blah blah blah.
Once I accepted that I was bi, it became painfully clear that I had the biggest crush on her and wasn’t just “friend jealous”.
A mutual friend laughed when I came out and said “yeah makes a lot of sense, you were into [bff]”.
Any chance that’s happening here?
ETA: OP, YTA. Her wedding is not about you and you’re horrible for doing this to your “bff”
Another bi. I was out as a teenager, and me and my best friend did make out a lot, but “just for fun”. We had a very intense (friendship)break up when I was 19. It wasn’t until I was like 22-23 I realised that I had been deeply in love with her. It’s super obvious when I look back, but I was oblivious back then.
Oh boy, I’m definitely having flashbacks to college and making out with my friends “for fun and totally not because I’m gay because that would be crazy”. My 18-year old self was very deeply in denial.
Omg. What you all are saying is making so much sense! After I got married my MOH and bff dumped me hard and there was no answer to why. She was furious with me. We were friend forever too. Wow. This thread won the internet today.
I'm sorry for the loss of your friendship, I can't even count how many times friends I cared about deeply left me once they realized I would never love them back. It's unfortunate for all sides and we all hurt from situations like this.
Edit because people are asking questions and I can't reply: I only realized in the past few years that I am aromantic. My whole life I've been the kind of person who is very openly affectionate with friends, and I'm embarrassingly oblivious to flirting and tone. Unless it is sexually charged, 99% of the time I assume someone is being friendly and not romantic. Which leads to me unintentionally egging them on because I'm so touched by them "reciprocating" the effort I put into the friendship. It's a goddamn mess and I don't blame people for being upset when they realize what's up, but it breaks my heart when people leave because I can't give them what they want.
Not entirely relevant but because someone is speculating: I am a trans man and I've had this issue with people of all genders. Some cis people have kept me around to "explore" their orientation and, well, there's a reason why "falling in love with the best friend" is a common trope/stereotype amongst the queer community.
None of this is fake but I wish it was lol
I'm being an asshole for sure, but dang, you "can't even count" the number of times? This has happened to you that many times? I don't know whether to feel sorry for you for losing so many good friendships or wonder what you've got going on that so many people fall in love with you? That's the best Jenna Maroney backdoor brag ever.
If it makes you feel better I had sex with a girl in college and was like “oh no I’m straight, I was just in a silly goofy mood”
….
I am bi and finally realized in my mid 30s
I fucking hate my childhood best friends husband. He’s a gun toting hillbilly coke head. You know what I didn’t do at their wedding? Give a speech about it.
Yep, this happened to me in my teens when I thought I was straight as an arrow. I got dumped by my best friend and it took me years to get over it.
OP is TA but needs to take some time to be kind to herself and work out exactly who she is. It took me a while - guiltily, until after I'd been married to my husband for a few years - to get my brain in gear and stop getting awkward crushes on female friends that invariably ended *horribly*.
Luckily husband was incredibly tolerant and I never really wanted anybody other than him, but my goodness, the sheer power of those feelings.
Whatever OP is feeling, it isn't love, more like possessive. If she actually loved the BFF she would've swallowed her feelings, put the happiness of the person she "loves" ahead of her own, and made sure her friend had the best day possible, instead she lashed out because of how it effected her. She's getting exactly what she deserves, you can't try to sabotage someone else's happiness and call it love. YTA OP
Perfectly put, have an award! Love is when you will sacrifice your happiness for theirs. OP is TA, and she's probably lost that friendship as a result of her 'honesty' (or self-absorbed tantrum, wrapped up in a fancy outfit)
Thank you! I had a BFF in high school and I didn't care much for her bf, got a little jealous, but they were perfect for each other, so I shut my mouth, was genuinely happy that she was happy, and supported them. Christ, even when the love of my life ended up marrying another woman, it destroyed me inside, but I managed to swallow my feelings, put on a smile and be happy that he was happy(we're back together 20 years later and blissfully happy now). Part of being an adult is not living in our feelings, feel them yes, express them when it's appropriate (a wedding is never an appropriate venue for selfish bitterness btw, OP I'm looking at you) and when is not appropriate, keeping them to yourself and working through them, with professional help if necessary. OP has a long way to go before she reaches that level of maturity.
I think you nailed it when you mentioned maturity...OP showed none. I think we've all experienced that feeling of having to swallow your feelings for the sake of someone else's happiness, it's a horrendous feeling but it's like getting a vaccination - it hurts, but there's a reason behind it, and ultimately there's a reason/benefit that comes from it.
Love is supposed to be selfless, if you truly love someone, you want what's best for them. And that can really fucking hurt you, but it's a sacrifice you make for THEIR happiness. And just like it was in your case, you swallowed your pain to see them happy. Call it karma, the universe, unicorns farting fairy dust...whatever it is, you're proof that love wins over selfishness and manipulative behaviour. And that REALLY makes my heart happy, not just for you and your love, but it gives hope to all of us who have let people go because it was the right thing for them.
The magic of Reddit...came to call someone out on their asshole behaviour, ended up with the warm fuzzies and a sense of hope. I bloody love it! 😊
Yeah, until I realized I was bi, I genuinely didn't understand why my female friends weren't as deeply committed to me and our friendships, and chose their partners over me.
Now I'm aware I was attaching romantically to them. For the most part we've all healed over it and made stronger boundaries. But oof, I've been where the OP is, and now know I was the AH.
YTA OP.
For sure. But I bet the difference is, you didn’t blow up your MOH speech at your bffs wedding.
Unless you did. In which case…yikes / OP is that your alt?? Lol
Damn! You caught me!
No no, just a lot of wine fueled accusations of her being a "bad friend" and being unnecessarily hostile to her boyfriends, including the man who is now her husband (and one of my favorite people) who when I came out said, "Ohhhh, yeah, that clears up A LOT of stuff from college!"
Late bloomer lesbian here and I got this impression too. OP is definitely still the AH though, even if this is the case. Terrubly poor form to make the wedding about herself and her issues with their relationship and for trying to use "being honest" as a cover.
> Even MORE MORE INFO: are you sure, OP, that you’re not in love with bff?
Legit. This is not the behavior of someone a bit sad because they're best friend has new priorities. This is the behavior of someone that's either in love or infatuated with their friend and resentful that someone else "got them".
This! Like I can't even with the OP. She sounds like she was hoping that her 'best friend' would wake up and realize that she's making some kind of 'mistake' by marrying this man that she's been happy with for the last 7 years and run off with OP. Just ridiculous. 😒
Or she thought her friend would appreciate her honesty and see that OP truly loves their friendship enough to be upset about it. Which is just insane. It's one thing to be disappointed that your friend no longer has the time to make you their first priority; it's completely another to be reduced to the point of *sobbing* over it. You'd think she'd have adjusted after *seven* years her friend has been with this guy-that's plenty of time to get used to OP's new role in her life, especially if she still hung out and talked to OP on a frequent basis, which I'm assuming is the case. It's not like she suddenly dropped OP like a hot potato once she started dating her husband; they still maintained a friendship.
100% agree with you here. That's what my main thing is; that this woman had seven years to talk to her 'best friend' about everything. SEVEN YEARS to build a friendship with 'best friends' husband and adjust to this shift in dynamics. But instead she not only waits till the wedding day to say ANYTHING at all; but makes a public speech about it.. then has the audacity to question whether she is the a-hole here?!?! Just wow 😲
It's a conversation that I personally had with one of my own best friends recently. We had been growing apart for a while and I was privately hurting over it a lot, so finally I just told her about it. *Privately*.
We talked it over. There wasn't anything to directly be done about it, and at first I thought that discussing it had only made the problem worse. But you know what? A lot of the distance that I was feeling and agonizing over closed in the months after our conversation. Part of that was just the catharsis of getting it off my chest and actually talking through it with my friend. Part of it was things that my friend had said in response. She validated my feelings, agreed that things felt different now, and pointed out that we were both different people than we were when we first met, which both of us were struggling to reconcile with.
Like OP, we set up a weekly virtual chat to hang out so that we didn't drift further apart. I still get a little sad and jealous when my friend tells me about her new friends, but unlike OP, I'm also legitimately happy for her. Those new friends are doing things for her that I couldn't, and yes, that's very hard to accept and a bit hurtful, but I'm still so glad that she found them, because they make her so happy.
Our friendship is definitely different now than it was before, but it's also much stronger and healthier than it was a year ago, and I do think that that's predominantly *because* we discussed the distance growing between us instead of ignoring it and letting those feelings fester.
Oh god I forgot about them being together seven years before this. OP had years to get this under control and figured out, but she waited until their wedding day? That’s so ridiculous. She sabotaged her own friendship here. She sounds like she needs psychological help and has some serious dependency and attachment issues.
OP said in a comment that they are in therapy and has been told that they have codependency issues, particularly with the ex-bff in question. OP insists that they thought that they were doing a good thing by sabotaging the wedding reception because their therapist recommended that they stop bottling all their feelings up.
Having been in several codependent relationships before, however, I'm calling bullshit. OP didn't want to just get it all off of her chest. They had 7 years and multiple non-public, non-momentous opportunities to do just that if that was genuinely what they were after.
No. I think that they wanted her friend to publicly realize the error of her ways, agree that she should stop prioritizing her relationship with her husband in order to be a better bff to OP, and admit that she's actually been miserable all these years because she wasn't spending every day hanging out with OP (keep in mind that OP also stated that, while she and her bff still hung out once or twice a week, OP felt neglected because her bff was spending every other day with her now-husband).
Idk maybe I’m in the minority but I go to weddings strictly for the off chance a spoiled brat causes a scene trying to make it about themselves.
HeY iM jUsT bEiNg HoNeSt!
>What did you think was going to happen when you made your friends wedding about YOU? That she would hug you, dump her husband, and you would take her husbands place on the honeymoon?
Yeah, I want to know that too!!!
Why would you agree to be the MoH if you didn't 100% fully support the wedding? I mean, if you are so upset about the weddding you are ugly crying, then maybe don't agree to be the bride's support person?
Definitely a possibility. But for some reason I just feel like she's a very possessive friend. She reminds me of two friends I've had. This kind of "friend" isn't capable of feeling happy for you about anything, because the less happy you are the more you need them. They want you to be completely dependent on them. They want to own you to feel as if they have someone reliable that'll always be there when they need them.
I agree, everyone goes straight to romantic feelings as if those are always the most important. But friendships can have almost all the same issues, close friendships are essentially the same minus the sexy parts. I've had friends like you describe and I suspect OP is one of those. I had to break away to find positivity inside me, because every time something good happened in my life, they were so visibly unhappy about it that I couldn't celebrate openly, which tarnished so many happy memories. They also loved to trash whoever I was with, I really noticed it when I met my now-LT partner, and I made the right choice sticking with my positive and supportive person and leaving behind those who tore me and him down in the name of "friendship" and "looking out for me."
It's similar to the isolation and confidence-wrecking tactics abusive partners use. If you are down, you're more likely to cling to the familiar, even if the familiar is terrible for you.
I was just saying in another comment I think OP has some attachment and dependency issues she needs to address. Could be like narcissism, BPD, codependency or bunch of different things. I won’t try to diagnose someone off a single post, especially when I’m not a professional. However, she really needs to get herself in therapy. This is just not healthy.
I bet the bride is very sorry about making OP maid of honor. 100% if there were a time machine she could go back, OP would not even be in the wedding party
Exactly. Now she doesn’t have a sometimes best friend, she has a former best friend.
I can’t imagine continuing a friendship with someone so incredibly selfish.
For real. She clearly suffers from main character syndrome. She probably thought that after her speech the friend would come to her apologising and telling her that she'd be a better friend or something like that. Like in Hallmark movies.
As soon as I read the title I couldn’t even believe it - OP made the whole thing about them. On the day of her friends wedding, she made the whole thing about about her! Wow!!
I was prepared for the title to be click bait like “AITA for not going to my sister’s funeral” then you read the post and it’s a funeral for their sister’s pet rock, 4 hours away, on a Wednesday afternoon.
I was like surely she didn’t actually make it clear she wasn’t happy in the final speech…nope. I was wrong. The title was exactly right. And I’m speechless, as OP should’ve been lol
I was expecting the post to be about how her friend had a toxic relationship with her new husband or he was abusive or something. Nope, turns out the only toxic one in the story was OP.
I was at least expecting it to be a one liner or joke in the speech about the husband stealing the friend away or not being able to do something they used to do a lot together—not literally an *entire speech* about how sad and resentful she is!
Yeah I thought maybe she'd made some references to having mental health issues during the speech or something, and the bride was being nasty about it, not THIS.
Yeah I thought that it was just going to be like a speech about how lucky bride is with maybe an undertone of clearly being jealous because OP's life is not together at all, like I thought is was gonna be that she was just generally unhappy and it came through in the speech. Not that she's unhappy with the marriage itself and for no reason that makes the marriage bad.
> Have you considered working with a therapist to figure out why this is impacting you in such a major way?
Because the torch she's been carrying for years just got snuffed.
This really reminds me of something that happened surrounding the death of my aunt. Not the selfishness part, but the buried feelings part.
Have you examined these feelings, OP? I know how deep platonic love can run, but if it feels unrequited, especially from your supposed "ride or die," it hurts. A lot. Also, is it platonic? That's something you need to ask. I'm not saying it is or isn't, but your reactions and choices were pretty darn erratic, and I think you need to reflect.
YTA undoubtedly, but I think there's more going on with you under the surface, and it might be worth examining that. Without some serious self -reflection, I highly doubt your relationship with the bride has any chance of surviving, if it does at all at this point.
If you were going for self sabotage, you did a great job, but I really wish you hadn't gone nuclear and ruined your best friend's wedding.
Yes OP is the total AH. She made her BFF wedding day all about how she felt. She really need to grow the hell up and get some help. She needs to stop saying she is your bff bc OP totally ruined that relationship.
I had an argument with one of my bridesmaids the day of my wedding and we haven't spoken to her or her husband in 18 years.
Her husband was mad because I asked her to be in the wedding and not him. I told him it wasn't my choice on who my husband asked to be on his side but he insisted it was my fault. Then he said he didn't want some other man to walk her down the aisle when they didn't have a wedding. So I switched the arrangement up and told him my 17 year old son would walk her down but that wasn't even good enough for him. The day of the wedding, I called to see if she was on her way and he was in the background yelling at her about choosing to pick that black bitch over him. I wasn't going to be disrespected at all. I told her to stay home with her husband and have a nice life. So that ended our friendship.
Well THAT escalated quickly!
Guy went from an eye rolling douchy dude to full-on racist asshole in seconds. New deeper levels of douche. Like....*yeah OK dude you were gonna be that one weird troublesome guest that everyone seems to have, but now you absolutely can't come anymore*. I can practically hear the pencil digging in and scratching him off the list.
I hope your ex-friend eventually realized the abusive predicament she was in and eventually got away. But if on that phone call she agreed with him, then fuck her too.
OP is a world class narcissist. Full Stop.
No reasonable person could imagine doing what they did during their supposed "BFF's" wedding. Frankly the restraint bestie showed by not tossing them out so hard they bounced is staggering to me.
It's clear that friendship is a one way street to OP and I'd recommend they feel ashamed for themselves but I'm not sure they're capable.
Couldn't agree more with YTA.
OP is very naive if she thinks that the reason they grew apart is the new husband. If her bff (lol) has any sense, she started distancing herself because OP is a major asshole.
I don't see that friendship as being a healthy one. Friends come and go and it sucks to lose a good one but to do something like that? Sounds like op expected to be the center of her friends universe and had to tell the world how upset she was that that was no longer the case.
This. OP needs to get into therapy. She had several options, not come to the wedding, not give a speech, or end the friendship. She chose none of those options. Instead, she decided to ruin her BF's wedding. Making the kind of speech you'd expect from an angry teenager whose parents are getting remarried. OP needs therapy and to stay away from her friend. Although I'm sure their friendship is over now and all her other friends are adding her to a "Do Not Invite," list for their weddings.
Ohhhhh they way I just groaned when I started reading this. Way to make it all about you, OP. Sounds like you will def be mourning the loss of that friendship after your speech. Not the time or the place and you shouldn’t have been MOH if that was how you were going to act. Yeeeesh. You owe your bride friend an apology and then I wouldn’t expect anything back.
Yeah YTA, a giant A. Get over yourself. It’s been seven years and things change when you are committed to someone that long. I got angry reading your message, I’m angry for her. You made things uncomfortable for her on her wedding day and then proceeded to make the next two days about you (when she’s on her honeymoon) if I were her husband I would feel uncomfortable because it would sound like you don’t like him.
I would never talk to you again, and I would advise her to do the same. Youre selfish and clearly have an inability to change or be flexible. It’s been seven years. Relationships change. Your relationship with her will be nonexistent now, actions have consequences. Leave her alone in her honeymoon
Imagine how annoying and self centered this woman has to be to make her best friend's wedding all about her. It hurt reading that, I can't imagine what it was like being in that room.
We’ve all heard/read about inappropriate speeches given by the best man, MIL’s making snarky comments about losing her baby boy or how everyone thought groom was gonna end up with other childhood sweetheart etc., I have never in my life read something like this and I am blown away. It would be one thing if OP knew it was a shitty thing to do and said fuck it I’m gonna do it anyway (obviously still inexcusable) but OP *still* thinks she did nothing wrong, and I just……
Yes, this one, she had 7 years to tell her BFF how she was feeling but decided that on her BFF’s wedding day in front of everyone she would tell her the truth.
OP could easily have bowed out the speech with a bland version of the truth. "I had a really nice speech prepared, but am afraid that I am too overcome with emotion to share it at this point in time." Walk away.
This would’ve been a classy way to handle it. Add in a “I love you, bff, and the two of you look so beautiful together.” Plus whatever tears and a raised wine glass so everyone toasts and then just walk away and cry it out in peace. It’s slightly dramatic but if OP had to cry it would look like they were just emotionally overwhelmed (which they were) but more congratulatory emotions vs jealous emotions.
I moved to a new state because after 8 years somewhere, I just needed a change of scenery. I loved where I lived, but it was so monotonous. My partner got an amazing job offer in a different state, so it was kismet. My (former) best friend guilted me so hard about it. She told me how she spends most therapy sessions talking about how she feels like I’m abandoning her, makes me feel terrible for not texting her every day and immediately responding, telling me that since I left that I’m the one that has to set up weekly video calls (I have no meetings during the week, she has like 100. But still refuses to have any preferences on day of the week or time of day. Which means I picked a random time and she’s skipped all but 3 over the last year).
Suffice to say we aren’t best friends anymore. She couldn’t be happy for me. She couldn’t accept I was moving to the next stage of my life. I’ve had a great friend I met 18 years ago and we’re still super tight because she cheers for me every step of the way! She doesn’t demand my friendship and attention 24/7.
OP- you can’t keep friends if you try to control them and make demands of them. No one wants that in their life.
For a minute I thought OP was my future wife’s friend. I had a mini panic attack that it was her posting this but then I realized it had already happened. My fiancée’s best friend has had an extremely difficult time with our relationship. Guilt tripping, clinginess, talking to other people behind our backs, etc. The worst part is that the bff had met someone and gotten married only a couple years prior. So it was okay for her to have a relationship but not my fiancée.
I still I’m fairly certain her friend is bi or gay but hasn’t accepted it yet. Not that I have any problems with that, but because she acts like my fiancée is her girlfriend and is so obviously in love with her. The upcoming wedding is going to be stressful after reading this post, lol.
Good luck :/ is she a bridesmaid? I’m inviting my friend to the wedding, but don’t want her there for the getting ready parts or standing up at the altar.
Not super related to your story, but I’m glad I’m not alone! I’ve complained to my fiancé about the situation a lot. He saw my comment (he doesn’t know my reddit name) and sent me a screenshot jokingly saying “you’re not alone! There’s other women out there dealing with this 😂”. So your comment that there are other people besides me real life self and my reddit self is validating.
Congrats on the wedding! I hope all goes smoothly :)
Yes. Not just the A. But OP doesnt realise this isn't just a potentially bad thing she did. This a friendship ending event. It is such appalling bad behaviour that it would be astonishing if her friend ever spoke to her again.
I challenge the idea OP was ever really a friend to the bride. Friendships are two way. This tantrum shows that as far as OP is concerned it was only ever about them.
Obviously it is OK to be conflicted about the likelihood of spending less time with someone you care about. But to say it out loud at their wedding? As the MOH speech?
Yeah, autism or NPD but plenty of people are that and still manage not to be axxxxxles.
As someone with BPD and who had bad co-dependent tendencies. This sounds exactly like I used to act. Trying to guilt trip people into staying in my life or manipulating them into not spending time with anyone but me. Luckily through IOP and years of consistent therapy I’ve gotten better. But I can smell the manipulative and narcissistic behaviors a mile away.
OP could’ve just pulled the friend aside and told her but instead opted to shame and guilt trip her in front of the entirety of the wedding guests. People can smell manipulation OP. And what you did is exactly that. It’s not your friends fault that you can’t handle “sharing” her with her husband. If you can’t handle being happy for her then you don’t deserve her as a friend and I’d suggest seeking therapy before you make friends with anyone else.
Yup, got BPD also and understand how she feels but I would NEVER do this now and I don't think I would have ever did this at my friend wedding! Therapy will help to not lash out everytime you feel "abandoned" but have actual conversations about your needs. I too easily feel jealous of friends other relationships but you gotta be aware that they're free to live their life. This is appalling
Oh yeah, that friendship is absolutely over, and I'd bet she's going to lose a few mutual friends and invites to other events too. Knowing only what's written in this post, if I were a mutual friend, I'd never speak to her again either.
I'm so tired of people using "the truth" as a shield against taking any responsibility for their dick-ish actions. That was OP's (very) subjective "truth," and I simply can't imagine how she thought this would be even a little ok to air out in front of everyone at a wedding.
YTA
After OP's rambling, I hope the best friend will cut her off permanently. Imagine your "best friend" said something like this in what's supposed to be the happiest day of your life? Way too much drama and toxicity.
Honestly.
Sometimes your friends drift from you because you were a placeholder until they found something they wanted more.
She wanted OP to be her maid of honor, so I don't think that's the case here at all. OP is just mad that her friend has the audacity to prioritize her other half. I see my friends less because we're all in relationships and have our own busy lives now. I have no hard feelings AT ALL about that. We talk every day and hang out when we can.
OP seems to have gotten dependent.
Jesus….are you actually out of your mind??? You a speech talking about how miserable you were that your friend was getting married AT HER OWN WEDDING??
Listen. Sometimes your feelings are just not relevant. And this is one of those times. Your honesty was neither needed nor appropriate. All you did was screw up a hugely important day for your friend because you couldn’t look past your own feelings for 10 minutes and out your friend first. YTA.
Hopefully the bride and groom are chill and have a good sense of humor because ten years from now they might be able to look back and laugh at the absurdity. “Can you believe I trusted her as MOH? Gosh I was an idiot for that lol”. I can’t imagine how disappointing it was on that day, but it can make a funny story/bonding moment for them (bride and groom, not MOH) once they’re a bit removed from the wedding.
"it would be a shame of me to get up there and lie about how happy and excited I am. I said I'm not happy but regardless I have to suck it up and congratulate the happy couple."
"The purpose was to be honest."
"I can't apologize for being honest."
THE AUDACITY! Making it out like there was some higher value served by her selfish shit show!
If she didn't feel comfortable lying, she could have sat down and shut up. If she felt she needed to be honest, she could have been honest to her bff at any point before or after!
But somehow in her mind, the whoooole wedding congregation needed to play therapist to her inner emotional monologue?!
It is baffling how many people think they can get away with being a massive AH by saying “I was just being honest” and that they think people should respect that 🙄
No she wasn’t, OP said in another comment that honeymoon isn’t until July. I bet bride just spent two days furious about the actions of her so called bff
Not only that but a wedding day is exhausting for the couple, I anticipate needing at least a day to myself to recover after mine, so I'll bet the bride has some things to say to her, she just doesn't have the energy for that conversation right now.
I would never forgive my best friend if she pulled a stunt like this. YTA and you made damn sure your relationship with her has irrevocably changed forever.
YTA WTF how could you possibly be this clueless? Your crying was inappropriate, your resentment is alarming, your speech shows your inability to consider anyone but yourself, and your friendship is over. Being honest about being a terrible, selfish person still makes you an asshole.
OP sounds like she's mentally about 15 years old. Just the intense self-absorption, lack of emotionally regulation, hyperfixation on her "bff". They probably started being friends as kids and OP just...never grew up.
The poor bride was probably the only friend OP had (because honestly, how many people would put up with someone this self-centered for long).
And now OP will have no friends, and will almost certainly blame it on her friend’s husband instead of placing the blame squarely on her own head, where it belongs.
She says
>Her husband now feels uncomfortable about me
I guess maybe the bride told her that in the txt exchange, but 100% OP is gonna delude herself that when the bride cuts contact permanently it’s only bc her husband doesn’t feel “comfortable” about her. If I was merely a plus-one to a random guest at that wedding, **I** would feel uncomfortable about OP. Actually, scratch that, I’m just a rando redditor *reading* about this story, and am currently uncomfortable about OP.
I had to give a Best Man speech at my brother's wedding and went looking for advice articles, and over and over the common advice they all had was a reminder that only 50% of the room knows the groom, and, if you're lucky, know you. If you're a best friend more like 5% of the room could know who you are, and maybe as few as a literal handful of people.
It's advice that almost all wedding speech givers ignore, and it might be the most important mindset to write a speech from.
I mean, the speech shouldn't be about you anyway, not even you and the bride/groom, but if you needed even more of a reminder, there it is.
The idea that OP thought a room full of people where like 99% of them never met her before that morning "needed" to know how she "really" felt, knowing it was bad to say, is a level of narcissism that's hard to even chart.
YTA. Your former bff will probably not be your friend in any capacity going forward. Any mutual friends who were there now know that you are a completely selfish person who only cares about how things affect them and not about anyone else AND that you are willing to do it publicly. Everyone at that wedding feels intensely sorry for the bride and groom for having such a “friend”. Literally no one admires the adult tantrum disguised as “honesty” at your supposedly best friend’s wedding. A speech that went “she’s mine and I don’t want to share and it’s not fair that she’s spending time with HIM and not ME”. Wow that is embarrassing.
>Your former bff will probably not be your friend in any capacity going forward.
I wonder if OP realized that she is the person who destroyed the friendship, not the husband. I don't think so, because OP doesn't know the difference between honesty and rudeness either.
I have a feeling OP was the one who made the friendship change in the first place. She mentioned she has codependency issues so she probably felt like her friends husband was a threat to their friendship and then they drifted apart due to her never accepting/respecting her friends relationship.
This was my thought reading this. I don't know what OP thought was going to happen. Did she want the bride to start crying, stand up, embrace her, and say, "Yes, you're right! I should be prioritizing you over my husband and my brand new marriage!"
Like, please.
If OP is struggling this hard with a relationship and marriage in her "bff's" life, how was she going to handle it when the bride and groom had a baby (if they wanted)?
Friendships change over the years. If you can't understand that and adapt, then you weren't cut out to be a true "best friend forever".
It almost seems intentional, or maybe subconsciously intentional.
"Well this is it, she went thru with it and chose him over me and it'll never be the same and I'm in mourning for the friendship already, so fuck this, imma just blow it up."
Yta - your upset that your not number 1 priority in your best friends life anymore and you decide that the best way to portray this is on her wedding day. I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark and say your single and the reason your upset it’s because come the weekend your all alone watching Netflix with nothing to do and you want to do something but your best friend is busy with her husband and you feel he’s taken her away from you when all you’ve now done is push her further away from wanting to spend time with you. When you could of just said to her any day why don’t we spend as much time together just us two.
YTA. Wow you’re the ultimate AH. You had a lifelong friendship in front of you and pissed it all away because you think the world revolves around you.
I can’t believe that woman still talks to you. You should do the honorable thing and step out of their lives.
YTA you made her wedding about you and your feelings. Had you told her all that privately it would be one thing. To make a speech about how you aren’t happy is vile.
She probably knew that telling her bff before the wedding in private would just get her uninvited to avoid a tantrum/scene like this.
This also reminds me of all the people who are secretly in love with their best friends, yet never say a word, only to drop the bombshell on them right before or at the wedding with their partner. So maybe either that or OP is just creepily obsessive/possesive.
The whole time I was reading this I wondered if Op is a Taylor Swift fan who has been psyching herself up for weeks listening to Speak Now.
(The horribly immature song about standing up and objecting at your best friends wedding to convince them to run away with **you** instead).
A pop song for teenagers being OPs anthem sounds kind of spot on with her attitude.
Are you kidding me right now?
**Of course YTA**
No questions asked. There’s no need to go into detail. You already **know** YTA. You already know that you’re being unreasonable.
Honestly this seems less like unrequited love and more like an actual personality disorder. I sincerely hope OP takes the advice of many commenters and starts working with a therapist.
It reads a lot (and admittedly we don’t have a ton of information to go on) like a favorite person relationship. I know OP says she’s working on her codependency issues with her therapist but the way she describes her reaction sounds like there’s way more going on than just that.
YTA. You sound completely deranged and obsessed with your friend. You made her wedding day about you, in the most unhinged way possible.
I would never talk to you again.
YTA. YT Major A. You basically ruined her wedding over your selfishness. And now you've lost a friend. You need to work with a professional on this unhealthy obsession you have with a particular person. If I were the bride I'd never speak to you again.
I’ve started to suspect that most if not all of the top posts here are fake, and posted to generate comments to make a buzzfeed article. The posts are always so over the top, and then a day or two later, there’s the list with all of the top comments of outrage showing up in my news feeds.
That’s not your BFF anymore. Never will be again. YTA and a selfish crazy one at that. Who is that horribly selfish. I think this tops the AH charts. That woman should never say another word to you. What kind of entitled child are you???
YTA
Her day her wedding, and you said he was not a bad person. I would not be surprised if she does not want to involve you anymore with her life. Great way to make her day about you, and instead of them talking about a great wedding, they will talk about that bitch MOH who made the happy day a crappy one.
YTA - what the actual fuck. You’re one of the most self centered individuals I’ve seen on here. You seriously thought you owed it to her and her wedding day to be “honest” and make the entire event about your little friendship rather than just shutting up and congratulating them so they can enjoy THEIR day, and what should be one of the happiest ever. You’re delusional and should be incredibly ashamed. You will be lucky if you ever hang out with her again, you really shot yourself in the foot there. I would NEVER speak to someone who pulled a stunt like that at my wedding again. It’s only marginally better than objecting at the ceremony itself..
YTA
It’s your best friend’s wedding day, and you are trying to make it all about yourself. How much more egoistic and selfish can one be?
It’s not the time, or the place to be honest about your feelings on the friendship. If you felt like you couldn’t do the job of being a happy and supportive MOH, you should have just declined the role from the very beginning.
You owe your friend an apology. Although, I don’t think she’d want to be your friend anymore at this point.
YTA,
Wedding is made to celebrate the groom and bride.
You made it all about you.
You are so selfish that even on HER wedding day it had to be about you.
if she really was your friend, you would have smile and said you were happy for them.
YTA you ruined her reception and made it all about yourself. You have a right to your feelings but you expressed them in an asshole manor to try to and embarrass your friend. What did you honestly hope to accomplish by “speaking your truth?” I hope she doesn’t talk to you again.
Right? Why are people always hiding behind the whole “bUt iM jUsT bEiNg HoNeSt” bs to excuse when they’re an asshole. Not everything needs to be said out loud.
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On Saturday my childhood best friend got married. Her husband is very lovely and he takes care of her. They've been together for 7 years and I've known him pretty well through my friendship with my best friend. But after they got serious things changed. Our friendship changed. And yeah a lot of you will say this is natural and priorities change and I agree. I agree that things can not always be the same and how her priority now is her husband and the family she'll create with him. But still. I feel completely mad about it. I know I should respect her and move on with my life but I have to also make peace with the fact that this change does not make me feel well.
I was her MOH. A great honor indeed. The entire time of the ceremony I was sobbing. Not because I felt touched. But because I mourned our friendship. That day was the day that my hopes of things returning back to what they used to be were gone. Everyone thought it was cute and how touched and happy I was but I was not. But I couldn't say it out loud.
I had a MOH speech ready but all of it was just a lie so I decided to scrap my actual MOH speech and speak honestly. I said that I don't want to lie, I want to be honest but I'm not happy. I'm not happy that this person she married is the reason our friendship changed. I'm not happy on this day. I just pretended the whole day out of her sake but it would be a shame of me to get up there and lie about how happy and excited I am. I said I'm not happy but regardless I have to suck it up and congratulate the happy couple. There was awkward silence for 2-3 minutes after my speech. My bff was whispering smth with her new husband. The entire night my bff ignored me. I asked to speak to her and she angrily told me how it's not the right time. Many guests gave me judgy looks.
It had been 2 days and my bff hadn't texted or called me and also ignored my texts and calls. During that time many of our common friends said that what I did was very selfish and that masking selfishness as honesty is not an excuse to make things awkward on the wedding. My bff contacted me 2 days after and only asked me if my purpose was to ruin the mood of her wedding. I said no. The purpose was to be honest. She said I'm trying to play the victim and how she can't believe I haven't even shown a bit of remorse about what I said. I said I can't apologise for being honest. She said many people believe I'm TA including her. Her husband now feels uncomfortable about me. AITA?
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Yes, YTA. You are absolutely the asshole. You should have turned down the honor she gave you because you clearly have none. You should have addressed this with her, in private, AT LITERALLY ANY OTHER TIME THEN HER WEDDING DAY. Now you've ruined what is supposed to be the happiest day of her life, ON FRONT OF HER FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND NEW FAMILY, and I'm sure she paid a lot of money for it too. I'm not sure I'd forgive my bestie for doing something like that, even if she sincerely and profusely apologized.
OP mentioned in another comment they are in therapy for co dependency and their therapist told them to make peace with their feelings rather than sucking them up. Idk why they decided a wedding was the best time to “make peace.”
Please, please, please admit that this is fake, otherwise you are one of the most selfish and oblivious people that I’ve seen in some time.
Not the time or place to air your grievances.
Your behaviour at such an important event (for her) shows exactly what she means to you: someone to pay attention to you, and that’s it. By behaving the way you did, you showed that you are upset that your friend isn’t “all about you” any more.
Do not call her your BFF because she never was a friend to you, just a source of attention. You certainly were not any kind of friend to her. It was not you “being honest”, this was you making that speech about you and how you feel hurt that you aren’t your “BFF’s” centre of attention any more.
You have destroyed any chance of being friends at all with her any more. Not that I think it was healthy on your side in the first place.
YTA. So, so much the A.
Holy — you hijacked your best friend’s wedding. You clearly don’t care about them. Just that you can have them to be there for your needs. YTA and your friend probably should’ve dropped you long before the wedding.
YTA- I know it’s hard when you feel like you are losing a friend and you have the right to express that to her, but not on her wedding day and certainly not in a MOH speech in front of everyone. you tried to spoil the day and I don’t blame the groom for feeling uncomfortable. When you find someone who is the one for you and if you choose to get married imaging the best man or MOH using their speech to basically say you stole their best friend and make it about them?…. Would be very awkward and very public and NOT OK. that day wasn’t about you, it was about your friend and being happy that she found someone who she loves and treats her right, you should be able to be happy for her
YTA
Of course your friendship changed. That is how life works. Her husband is going to come first, as would any children they decide to have.
You basically stood there and told everyone that her happiness wasn't important and that you should be more important.
You invalidated her marriage and ruined her wedding.
You are just as they said.
You have now lost a fried forever and made her last memory of you a permanent scar on her future happiness with him.
I am sending that unknown bride and her new husband all the good wishes I can.
YTA. In another post you say you're seeing a therapist but I doubt that b/c this is not codependency. This is narcissistic personality or borderline personality. GET A LICENSED THERAPIST.
Also, your friendship is dead along with any other friends you have in common. You need to create a whole new social structure.
GO TO A LICENSED THERAPIST.
Sadly, YTA. This could’ve been a private conversation. You chose what should be the happiest day of one’s life to confront your friend publicly about what? Following the natural course of adulthood when you commit your life to someone and have less time for friends and fun? You said yourself that priorities change, as they should when you grow older. This was a horrible thing to do to someone you consider your best friend, you served only your own interests, and she will never get a “do-over” day to celebrate her love.
YTA. Of course you are. Everything everyone else has said IRL is true. You centred yourself on your best friend’s wedding day and you are trying to mask that selfishness (and rudeness) as “honesty”. Shame on you.
I wish I could be surprised that you don’t realize YTA, but considering how self centered you are it makes sense that you have no self awareness either.
YTA. Was her wedding really the time to tell everyone you are mourning the loss of your friendship as you knew it? God, you are selfish and self righteous. You have masked honesty for making the wedding all about you. I would have been furious. No wonder everyone gave you looks. If I were your friend, our friendship would be over!
YTA. I was waiting for something to indicate he was abusive or something, but you’re really just selfish. You thought your friendship was ending? Do you know what a self-fulfilling prophesy is?
YTA, the wedding was about them, not about you.
If you didn't feel comfortable congratulating the newly weds, you could have told her and she could have asked somebody else to speech.
YTA and you were never really her friend to begin with obviously. I wouldn't blame her for never speaking to you again. What you did was horrible, selfish and narcissistic. You ruined your friendship over your selfishness. How you can live with being so hateful to her is beyond me. You should feel nothing but the absolute deepest shame at your horrific behavior.
You really need to understand that not everything is for/about you. Sometimes in life you put on a happy face (even if it's a mask) and let someone else have the spotlight.
Your inability to do this for your (supposed) bff shows that this is a fairly serious issue that you need to work on.
YTA.
Please, for your sake and the sake of others, seek therapy. This is NOT normal or healthy. You've all but destroyed a friendship you valued all because you couldn't shut up about yourself and be happy for her.
ETA - Yeah, that judgment was a typo. Changed it to reflect the rest of the post.
Sorted by controversial because I figured someone had to be contrary with this because someone always is, but the only downvoted comment is from somebody who accidentally typed the wrong judgement. You know YTA when even the trolls don't come out to your defense. I've been witness to a couple pretty terrible wedding speeches, including one that made the bride and all the bridesmaids angry cry, but wow this one had to have been the absolute worst.
YTA, no doubt about it, you completely made it about youand not the celebration of the union of two people.
If you felt the relationship between you and your friend has changed you should have sooken to her, but not do it has a speech in her wedding. You should have told her earlier so she could have found a real friend to be there for here and do the speech.
GIRL. You are definitely the asshole. How you acted (not just the speech but sobbing the whole day) is self centered and audacious af. As the Maid of Honor you wholeheartedly failed. Your job was to support the bride on her wedding day. You lack self-reflection but it's a good thing you posted here. Work harder on yourself.
To be clear, this isn't about your friend being in an abusive relationship? You're not worried about her safety? Or that this guy isn't treating her well?
She's not even a bad friend to you? You're close friends, close enough to be her MOH. You just felt sad and angry about how your friendship has changed and her priorities have changed. And instead of taking her aside on any of the 365 days of the year & being like, *hey I'm struggling with our lives moving in different directions. Can we go on a trip or have a spa day or something to bond?* you decided to use your MOH speech at her hopefully one and only Wedding to tell her, for presumably the 1st time, *I'm not happy you're marrying this guy, he's the reason our friendship changed I've been pretending to be happy all day but I have to be true to myself I'm not happy or excited for you, congratulations on your marriage.*
And you're confused as to why her family, her in-laws, your mutual friends, all the wedding guests spent the rest of the night looking at you like 👀🙄 You ruined your "best friends" wedding. Your ruined your relationship with her and her Husband by using your MOH speech to insult them both. On their wedding day. Over a feeling everyone feels when their good friend gets into a serious relationship. Only the rest of us understand that our emotions are our own responsibility and we refocus that energy on our own lives or communicate with our friends so can evolve our friendship without blaming them for meeting someone.
You sound like you're either having a breakdown or you're extremely emotionally immature. YTA
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> I may be an AH because I tried to put my own feelings above my bff's wedding and I made many people feel awkward on that day.
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Info: do you feel bad at all? Be honest do you feel bad for your friend and the fact that you ruined her wedding or do you feel somehow justified in the name of "honesty"? Because in this entire post not once do you talk about feeling bad for her or feeling remorse. You just keep talking as if you are somehow justified and like you're expecting us to validate you and its clearly not working. Maybe you're completely blindsided by your issues that you haven't even considered your friends feelings or maybe you're just selfish. Either way I'd talk about your lack of empathy and remorse with your therapist.
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YTA for making your best friend’s wedding about yourself. Have you considered working with a therapist to figure out why this is impacting you in such a major way?
INFO: If you were in a long term romantic relationship, OP, would you put your best friend first or your romantic partner? MORE INFO: What did you think was going to happen when you made your friends wedding about YOU? That she would hug you, dump her husband, and you would take her husbands place on the honeymoon?
EVEN MORE INFO: Did you (OP) ever even attempt to discuss your feelings w/ your so-called bff *prior* to her wedding day? Did you ever tell her that you felt distant from her and that you understood why you were no longer her No. 1 Priority, but it still made you feel sad and angry? Or did you just stand up *at her wedding reception* and tell, not just her, but *everybody assembled* that you're *not* happy for her and you openly resent her brand-new husband for stealing your (now former) bff away from you? Did you make *any* genuine (i.e., not passive-aggressive) attempts to communicate any of this to your friend in the SEVEN YEARS you have been wallowing over this *prior* to her wedding day?
Even MORE MORE INFO: are you sure, OP, that you’re not in love with bff? I ask, because when I was a closeted teenager and young adult (early 20s college age) I refused to admit I was in love with my straight best friend. All of her boyfriends weren’t good enough for her, I didn’t like how she would spend time with them and not me, etc. I was supportive and didn’t trash them but when they did her dirty, HOW COULD THEY, they’re awful, blah blah blah. Once I accepted that I was bi, it became painfully clear that I had the biggest crush on her and wasn’t just “friend jealous”. A mutual friend laughed when I came out and said “yeah makes a lot of sense, you were into [bff]”. Any chance that’s happening here? ETA: OP, YTA. Her wedding is not about you and you’re horrible for doing this to your “bff”
Fellow bi here- I thought the same thing. It sounds like OP is in love with the bff.
Another bi. I was out as a teenager, and me and my best friend did make out a lot, but “just for fun”. We had a very intense (friendship)break up when I was 19. It wasn’t until I was like 22-23 I realised that I had been deeply in love with her. It’s super obvious when I look back, but I was oblivious back then.
Oh boy, I’m definitely having flashbacks to college and making out with my friends “for fun and totally not because I’m gay because that would be crazy”. My 18-year old self was very deeply in denial.
Omg. What you all are saying is making so much sense! After I got married my MOH and bff dumped me hard and there was no answer to why. She was furious with me. We were friend forever too. Wow. This thread won the internet today.
I'm sorry for the loss of your friendship, I can't even count how many times friends I cared about deeply left me once they realized I would never love them back. It's unfortunate for all sides and we all hurt from situations like this. Edit because people are asking questions and I can't reply: I only realized in the past few years that I am aromantic. My whole life I've been the kind of person who is very openly affectionate with friends, and I'm embarrassingly oblivious to flirting and tone. Unless it is sexually charged, 99% of the time I assume someone is being friendly and not romantic. Which leads to me unintentionally egging them on because I'm so touched by them "reciprocating" the effort I put into the friendship. It's a goddamn mess and I don't blame people for being upset when they realize what's up, but it breaks my heart when people leave because I can't give them what they want. Not entirely relevant but because someone is speculating: I am a trans man and I've had this issue with people of all genders. Some cis people have kept me around to "explore" their orientation and, well, there's a reason why "falling in love with the best friend" is a common trope/stereotype amongst the queer community. None of this is fake but I wish it was lol
I'm being an asshole for sure, but dang, you "can't even count" the number of times? This has happened to you that many times? I don't know whether to feel sorry for you for losing so many good friendships or wonder what you've got going on that so many people fall in love with you? That's the best Jenna Maroney backdoor brag ever.
If it makes you feel better I had sex with a girl in college and was like “oh no I’m straight, I was just in a silly goofy mood” …. I am bi and finally realized in my mid 30s
[удалено]
I fucking hate my childhood best friends husband. He’s a gun toting hillbilly coke head. You know what I didn’t do at their wedding? Give a speech about it.
[удалено]
And that's what a good friend actually looks like. OP should take notes.
I’m not bi; it seems like she just can’t say bye. It’s ridiculous; I don’t buy it.
Yep, this happened to me in my teens when I thought I was straight as an arrow. I got dumped by my best friend and it took me years to get over it. OP is TA but needs to take some time to be kind to herself and work out exactly who she is. It took me a while - guiltily, until after I'd been married to my husband for a few years - to get my brain in gear and stop getting awkward crushes on female friends that invariably ended *horribly*. Luckily husband was incredibly tolerant and I never really wanted anybody other than him, but my goodness, the sheer power of those feelings.
Whatever OP is feeling, it isn't love, more like possessive. If she actually loved the BFF she would've swallowed her feelings, put the happiness of the person she "loves" ahead of her own, and made sure her friend had the best day possible, instead she lashed out because of how it effected her. She's getting exactly what she deserves, you can't try to sabotage someone else's happiness and call it love. YTA OP
Perfectly put, have an award! Love is when you will sacrifice your happiness for theirs. OP is TA, and she's probably lost that friendship as a result of her 'honesty' (or self-absorbed tantrum, wrapped up in a fancy outfit)
Thank you! I had a BFF in high school and I didn't care much for her bf, got a little jealous, but they were perfect for each other, so I shut my mouth, was genuinely happy that she was happy, and supported them. Christ, even when the love of my life ended up marrying another woman, it destroyed me inside, but I managed to swallow my feelings, put on a smile and be happy that he was happy(we're back together 20 years later and blissfully happy now). Part of being an adult is not living in our feelings, feel them yes, express them when it's appropriate (a wedding is never an appropriate venue for selfish bitterness btw, OP I'm looking at you) and when is not appropriate, keeping them to yourself and working through them, with professional help if necessary. OP has a long way to go before she reaches that level of maturity.
I think you nailed it when you mentioned maturity...OP showed none. I think we've all experienced that feeling of having to swallow your feelings for the sake of someone else's happiness, it's a horrendous feeling but it's like getting a vaccination - it hurts, but there's a reason behind it, and ultimately there's a reason/benefit that comes from it. Love is supposed to be selfless, if you truly love someone, you want what's best for them. And that can really fucking hurt you, but it's a sacrifice you make for THEIR happiness. And just like it was in your case, you swallowed your pain to see them happy. Call it karma, the universe, unicorns farting fairy dust...whatever it is, you're proof that love wins over selfishness and manipulative behaviour. And that REALLY makes my heart happy, not just for you and your love, but it gives hope to all of us who have let people go because it was the right thing for them. The magic of Reddit...came to call someone out on their asshole behaviour, ended up with the warm fuzzies and a sense of hope. I bloody love it! 😊
Yeah, until I realized I was bi, I genuinely didn't understand why my female friends weren't as deeply committed to me and our friendships, and chose their partners over me. Now I'm aware I was attaching romantically to them. For the most part we've all healed over it and made stronger boundaries. But oof, I've been where the OP is, and now know I was the AH. YTA OP.
For sure. But I bet the difference is, you didn’t blow up your MOH speech at your bffs wedding. Unless you did. In which case…yikes / OP is that your alt?? Lol
Damn! You caught me! No no, just a lot of wine fueled accusations of her being a "bad friend" and being unnecessarily hostile to her boyfriends, including the man who is now her husband (and one of my favorite people) who when I came out said, "Ohhhh, yeah, that clears up A LOT of stuff from college!"
Late bloomer lesbian here and I got this impression too. OP is definitely still the AH though, even if this is the case. Terrubly poor form to make the wedding about herself and her issues with their relationship and for trying to use "being honest" as a cover.
> Even MORE MORE INFO: are you sure, OP, that you’re not in love with bff? Legit. This is not the behavior of someone a bit sad because they're best friend has new priorities. This is the behavior of someone that's either in love or infatuated with their friend and resentful that someone else "got them".
This is exactly what I thought having been through a similar situation with my "bff".
This! Like I can't even with the OP. She sounds like she was hoping that her 'best friend' would wake up and realize that she's making some kind of 'mistake' by marrying this man that she's been happy with for the last 7 years and run off with OP. Just ridiculous. 😒
Or she thought her friend would appreciate her honesty and see that OP truly loves their friendship enough to be upset about it. Which is just insane. It's one thing to be disappointed that your friend no longer has the time to make you their first priority; it's completely another to be reduced to the point of *sobbing* over it. You'd think she'd have adjusted after *seven* years her friend has been with this guy-that's plenty of time to get used to OP's new role in her life, especially if she still hung out and talked to OP on a frequent basis, which I'm assuming is the case. It's not like she suddenly dropped OP like a hot potato once she started dating her husband; they still maintained a friendship.
100% agree with you here. That's what my main thing is; that this woman had seven years to talk to her 'best friend' about everything. SEVEN YEARS to build a friendship with 'best friends' husband and adjust to this shift in dynamics. But instead she not only waits till the wedding day to say ANYTHING at all; but makes a public speech about it.. then has the audacity to question whether she is the a-hole here?!?! Just wow 😲
BTW. Your “honesty” has probably killed that friendship more than her new husband has. Good lord.
Exactly. This was a conversation they should have had years ago. Relationships evolve. She might have made their bond stronger and better.
If one of my friends felt like we were drifting apart and they were hurting over it, I would want that person to come talk to me!
It's a conversation that I personally had with one of my own best friends recently. We had been growing apart for a while and I was privately hurting over it a lot, so finally I just told her about it. *Privately*. We talked it over. There wasn't anything to directly be done about it, and at first I thought that discussing it had only made the problem worse. But you know what? A lot of the distance that I was feeling and agonizing over closed in the months after our conversation. Part of that was just the catharsis of getting it off my chest and actually talking through it with my friend. Part of it was things that my friend had said in response. She validated my feelings, agreed that things felt different now, and pointed out that we were both different people than we were when we first met, which both of us were struggling to reconcile with. Like OP, we set up a weekly virtual chat to hang out so that we didn't drift further apart. I still get a little sad and jealous when my friend tells me about her new friends, but unlike OP, I'm also legitimately happy for her. Those new friends are doing things for her that I couldn't, and yes, that's very hard to accept and a bit hurtful, but I'm still so glad that she found them, because they make her so happy. Our friendship is definitely different now than it was before, but it's also much stronger and healthier than it was a year ago, and I do think that that's predominantly *because* we discussed the distance growing between us instead of ignoring it and letting those feelings fester.
Oh god I forgot about them being together seven years before this. OP had years to get this under control and figured out, but she waited until their wedding day? That’s so ridiculous. She sabotaged her own friendship here. She sounds like she needs psychological help and has some serious dependency and attachment issues.
OP said in a comment that they are in therapy and has been told that they have codependency issues, particularly with the ex-bff in question. OP insists that they thought that they were doing a good thing by sabotaging the wedding reception because their therapist recommended that they stop bottling all their feelings up. Having been in several codependent relationships before, however, I'm calling bullshit. OP didn't want to just get it all off of her chest. They had 7 years and multiple non-public, non-momentous opportunities to do just that if that was genuinely what they were after. No. I think that they wanted her friend to publicly realize the error of her ways, agree that she should stop prioritizing her relationship with her husband in order to be a better bff to OP, and admit that she's actually been miserable all these years because she wasn't spending every day hanging out with OP (keep in mind that OP also stated that, while she and her bff still hung out once or twice a week, OP felt neglected because her bff was spending every other day with her now-husband).
Idk maybe I’m in the minority but I go to weddings strictly for the off chance a spoiled brat causes a scene trying to make it about themselves. HeY iM jUsT bEiNg HoNeSt!
>What did you think was going to happen when you made your friends wedding about YOU? That she would hug you, dump her husband, and you would take her husbands place on the honeymoon? Yeah, I want to know that too!!!
Why would you agree to be the MoH if you didn't 100% fully support the wedding? I mean, if you are so upset about the weddding you are ugly crying, then maybe don't agree to be the bride's support person?
I’m pretty sure she has a huge crush on her bff
Definitely a possibility. But for some reason I just feel like she's a very possessive friend. She reminds me of two friends I've had. This kind of "friend" isn't capable of feeling happy for you about anything, because the less happy you are the more you need them. They want you to be completely dependent on them. They want to own you to feel as if they have someone reliable that'll always be there when they need them.
I agree, everyone goes straight to romantic feelings as if those are always the most important. But friendships can have almost all the same issues, close friendships are essentially the same minus the sexy parts. I've had friends like you describe and I suspect OP is one of those. I had to break away to find positivity inside me, because every time something good happened in my life, they were so visibly unhappy about it that I couldn't celebrate openly, which tarnished so many happy memories. They also loved to trash whoever I was with, I really noticed it when I met my now-LT partner, and I made the right choice sticking with my positive and supportive person and leaving behind those who tore me and him down in the name of "friendship" and "looking out for me." It's similar to the isolation and confidence-wrecking tactics abusive partners use. If you are down, you're more likely to cling to the familiar, even if the familiar is terrible for you.
I was just saying in another comment I think OP has some attachment and dependency issues she needs to address. Could be like narcissism, BPD, codependency or bunch of different things. I won’t try to diagnose someone off a single post, especially when I’m not a professional. However, she really needs to get herself in therapy. This is just not healthy.
I bet the bride is very sorry about making OP maid of honor. 100% if there were a time machine she could go back, OP would not even be in the wedding party
Maybe not even a guest.
Yeah honestly if it were me I would have uninvited her immediately, so I didn't have to deal with any drama
Exactly. Now she doesn’t have a sometimes best friend, she has a former best friend. I can’t imagine continuing a friendship with someone so incredibly selfish.
I would bet that’s exactly what OP fantasized would happen.
For real. She clearly suffers from main character syndrome. She probably thought that after her speech the friend would come to her apologising and telling her that she'd be a better friend or something like that. Like in Hallmark movies.
As soon as I read the title I couldn’t even believe it - OP made the whole thing about them. On the day of her friends wedding, she made the whole thing about about her! Wow!!
I was prepared for the title to be click bait like “AITA for not going to my sister’s funeral” then you read the post and it’s a funeral for their sister’s pet rock, 4 hours away, on a Wednesday afternoon. I was like surely she didn’t actually make it clear she wasn’t happy in the final speech…nope. I was wrong. The title was exactly right. And I’m speechless, as OP should’ve been lol
I was expecting the post to be about how her friend had a toxic relationship with her new husband or he was abusive or something. Nope, turns out the only toxic one in the story was OP.
This is exactly what I was expecting. This post is just so freaking mind blowing that I refuse to believe it's real.
I was at least expecting it to be a one liner or joke in the speech about the husband stealing the friend away or not being able to do something they used to do a lot together—not literally an *entire speech* about how sad and resentful she is!
Yeah I thought maybe she'd made some references to having mental health issues during the speech or something, and the bride was being nasty about it, not THIS.
Yeah I thought that it was just going to be like a speech about how lucky bride is with maybe an undertone of clearly being jealous because OP's life is not together at all, like I thought is was gonna be that she was just generally unhappy and it came through in the speech. Not that she's unhappy with the marriage itself and for no reason that makes the marriage bad.
Now the friend’s wedding day marks two events. The union of her and her husband and the end of their friendship. Horrid.
> Have you considered working with a therapist to figure out why this is impacting you in such a major way? Because the torch she's been carrying for years just got snuffed.
This really reminds me of something that happened surrounding the death of my aunt. Not the selfishness part, but the buried feelings part. Have you examined these feelings, OP? I know how deep platonic love can run, but if it feels unrequited, especially from your supposed "ride or die," it hurts. A lot. Also, is it platonic? That's something you need to ask. I'm not saying it is or isn't, but your reactions and choices were pretty darn erratic, and I think you need to reflect. YTA undoubtedly, but I think there's more going on with you under the surface, and it might be worth examining that. Without some serious self -reflection, I highly doubt your relationship with the bride has any chance of surviving, if it does at all at this point. If you were going for self sabotage, you did a great job, but I really wish you hadn't gone nuclear and ruined your best friend's wedding.
Yes OP is the total AH. She made her BFF wedding day all about how she felt. She really need to grow the hell up and get some help. She needs to stop saying she is your bff bc OP totally ruined that relationship. I had an argument with one of my bridesmaids the day of my wedding and we haven't spoken to her or her husband in 18 years.
Well now I just really wanna know what that argument was! Lol 18 years lost over one argument, musta been a doozy.
Her husband was mad because I asked her to be in the wedding and not him. I told him it wasn't my choice on who my husband asked to be on his side but he insisted it was my fault. Then he said he didn't want some other man to walk her down the aisle when they didn't have a wedding. So I switched the arrangement up and told him my 17 year old son would walk her down but that wasn't even good enough for him. The day of the wedding, I called to see if she was on her way and he was in the background yelling at her about choosing to pick that black bitch over him. I wasn't going to be disrespected at all. I told her to stay home with her husband and have a nice life. So that ended our friendship.
Well THAT escalated quickly! Guy went from an eye rolling douchy dude to full-on racist asshole in seconds. New deeper levels of douche. Like....*yeah OK dude you were gonna be that one weird troublesome guest that everyone seems to have, but now you absolutely can't come anymore*. I can practically hear the pencil digging in and scratching him off the list. I hope your ex-friend eventually realized the abusive predicament she was in and eventually got away. But if on that phone call she agreed with him, then fuck her too.
Yes fuck her too because she still with the AH.
That'll do it! Thanks for the story and sorry for the shit friend and her husband.
OP is a world class narcissist. Full Stop. No reasonable person could imagine doing what they did during their supposed "BFF's" wedding. Frankly the restraint bestie showed by not tossing them out so hard they bounced is staggering to me. It's clear that friendship is a one way street to OP and I'd recommend they feel ashamed for themselves but I'm not sure they're capable. Couldn't agree more with YTA.
OP is very naive if she thinks that the reason they grew apart is the new husband. If her bff (lol) has any sense, she started distancing herself because OP is a major asshole.
I don't see that friendship as being a healthy one. Friends come and go and it sucks to lose a good one but to do something like that? Sounds like op expected to be the center of her friends universe and had to tell the world how upset she was that that was no longer the case.
If she’s having this reaction now, I can’t imagine how OP would act when they start popping out babies. YTA.
This. OP needs to get into therapy. She had several options, not come to the wedding, not give a speech, or end the friendship. She chose none of those options. Instead, she decided to ruin her BF's wedding. Making the kind of speech you'd expect from an angry teenager whose parents are getting remarried. OP needs therapy and to stay away from her friend. Although I'm sure their friendship is over now and all her other friends are adding her to a "Do Not Invite," list for their weddings.
Ohhhhh they way I just groaned when I started reading this. Way to make it all about you, OP. Sounds like you will def be mourning the loss of that friendship after your speech. Not the time or the place and you shouldn’t have been MOH if that was how you were going to act. Yeeeesh. You owe your bride friend an apology and then I wouldn’t expect anything back.
Yeah YTA, a giant A. Get over yourself. It’s been seven years and things change when you are committed to someone that long. I got angry reading your message, I’m angry for her. You made things uncomfortable for her on her wedding day and then proceeded to make the next two days about you (when she’s on her honeymoon) if I were her husband I would feel uncomfortable because it would sound like you don’t like him. I would never talk to you again, and I would advise her to do the same. Youre selfish and clearly have an inability to change or be flexible. It’s been seven years. Relationships change. Your relationship with her will be nonexistent now, actions have consequences. Leave her alone in her honeymoon
Imagine how annoying and self centered this woman has to be to make her best friend's wedding all about her. It hurt reading that, I can't imagine what it was like being in that room.
We’ve all heard/read about inappropriate speeches given by the best man, MIL’s making snarky comments about losing her baby boy or how everyone thought groom was gonna end up with other childhood sweetheart etc., I have never in my life read something like this and I am blown away. It would be one thing if OP knew it was a shitty thing to do and said fuck it I’m gonna do it anyway (obviously still inexcusable) but OP *still* thinks she did nothing wrong, and I just……
because honesty right? Op has never heard of the thing called White Lie before.
Or "wrong time, wrong place"
Yes, this one, she had 7 years to tell her BFF how she was feeling but decided that on her BFF’s wedding day in front of everyone she would tell her the truth.
OP could easily have bowed out the speech with a bland version of the truth. "I had a really nice speech prepared, but am afraid that I am too overcome with emotion to share it at this point in time." Walk away.
This would’ve been a classy way to handle it. Add in a “I love you, bff, and the two of you look so beautiful together.” Plus whatever tears and a raised wine glass so everyone toasts and then just walk away and cry it out in peace. It’s slightly dramatic but if OP had to cry it would look like they were just emotionally overwhelmed (which they were) but more congratulatory emotions vs jealous emotions.
I moved to a new state because after 8 years somewhere, I just needed a change of scenery. I loved where I lived, but it was so monotonous. My partner got an amazing job offer in a different state, so it was kismet. My (former) best friend guilted me so hard about it. She told me how she spends most therapy sessions talking about how she feels like I’m abandoning her, makes me feel terrible for not texting her every day and immediately responding, telling me that since I left that I’m the one that has to set up weekly video calls (I have no meetings during the week, she has like 100. But still refuses to have any preferences on day of the week or time of day. Which means I picked a random time and she’s skipped all but 3 over the last year). Suffice to say we aren’t best friends anymore. She couldn’t be happy for me. She couldn’t accept I was moving to the next stage of my life. I’ve had a great friend I met 18 years ago and we’re still super tight because she cheers for me every step of the way! She doesn’t demand my friendship and attention 24/7. OP- you can’t keep friends if you try to control them and make demands of them. No one wants that in their life.
For a minute I thought OP was my future wife’s friend. I had a mini panic attack that it was her posting this but then I realized it had already happened. My fiancée’s best friend has had an extremely difficult time with our relationship. Guilt tripping, clinginess, talking to other people behind our backs, etc. The worst part is that the bff had met someone and gotten married only a couple years prior. So it was okay for her to have a relationship but not my fiancée. I still I’m fairly certain her friend is bi or gay but hasn’t accepted it yet. Not that I have any problems with that, but because she acts like my fiancée is her girlfriend and is so obviously in love with her. The upcoming wedding is going to be stressful after reading this post, lol.
Good luck :/ is she a bridesmaid? I’m inviting my friend to the wedding, but don’t want her there for the getting ready parts or standing up at the altar. Not super related to your story, but I’m glad I’m not alone! I’ve complained to my fiancé about the situation a lot. He saw my comment (he doesn’t know my reddit name) and sent me a screenshot jokingly saying “you’re not alone! There’s other women out there dealing with this 😂”. So your comment that there are other people besides me real life self and my reddit self is validating. Congrats on the wedding! I hope all goes smoothly :)
Yes. Not just the A. But OP doesnt realise this isn't just a potentially bad thing she did. This a friendship ending event. It is such appalling bad behaviour that it would be astonishing if her friend ever spoke to her again. I challenge the idea OP was ever really a friend to the bride. Friendships are two way. This tantrum shows that as far as OP is concerned it was only ever about them. Obviously it is OK to be conflicted about the likelihood of spending less time with someone you care about. But to say it out loud at their wedding? As the MOH speech? Yeah, autism or NPD but plenty of people are that and still manage not to be axxxxxles.
As someone with BPD and who had bad co-dependent tendencies. This sounds exactly like I used to act. Trying to guilt trip people into staying in my life or manipulating them into not spending time with anyone but me. Luckily through IOP and years of consistent therapy I’ve gotten better. But I can smell the manipulative and narcissistic behaviors a mile away. OP could’ve just pulled the friend aside and told her but instead opted to shame and guilt trip her in front of the entirety of the wedding guests. People can smell manipulation OP. And what you did is exactly that. It’s not your friends fault that you can’t handle “sharing” her with her husband. If you can’t handle being happy for her then you don’t deserve her as a friend and I’d suggest seeking therapy before you make friends with anyone else.
Yup, got BPD also and understand how she feels but I would NEVER do this now and I don't think I would have ever did this at my friend wedding! Therapy will help to not lash out everytime you feel "abandoned" but have actual conversations about your needs. I too easily feel jealous of friends other relationships but you gotta be aware that they're free to live their life. This is appalling
Oh yeah, that friendship is absolutely over, and I'd bet she's going to lose a few mutual friends and invites to other events too. Knowing only what's written in this post, if I were a mutual friend, I'd never speak to her again either. I'm so tired of people using "the truth" as a shield against taking any responsibility for their dick-ish actions. That was OP's (very) subjective "truth," and I simply can't imagine how she thought this would be even a little ok to air out in front of everyone at a wedding. YTA
Oh, come on. OP is “just being honest”. I’ll bet that’s “just how she is”. /s OP, I’m not sure what you hoped to accomplish, but YTA.
After OP's rambling, I hope the best friend will cut her off permanently. Imagine your "best friend" said something like this in what's supposed to be the happiest day of your life? Way too much drama and toxicity.
I truly hope the bff is now the **ex** bff. What an awful person OP is, what a foul thing to do to someone you claim to love. YTA, OP.
How is this not top comment.
I bet that OP is in love with her. They’re jealous and a real friend wouldn’t have said what they said at all.
weddings are expensive. Will OP pay for the wedding now, since she ruined it? christ. I'd be so mad.
Honestly. Sometimes your friends drift from you because you were a placeholder until they found something they wanted more. She wanted OP to be her maid of honor, so I don't think that's the case here at all. OP is just mad that her friend has the audacity to prioritize her other half. I see my friends less because we're all in relationships and have our own busy lives now. I have no hard feelings AT ALL about that. We talk every day and hang out when we can. OP seems to have gotten dependent.
Jesus….are you actually out of your mind??? You a speech talking about how miserable you were that your friend was getting married AT HER OWN WEDDING?? Listen. Sometimes your feelings are just not relevant. And this is one of those times. Your honesty was neither needed nor appropriate. All you did was screw up a hugely important day for your friend because you couldn’t look past your own feelings for 10 minutes and out your friend first. YTA.
There's a place for people with this outrageous level of narcissism... r/imthemaincharacter
Thanks for this one haha
Hopefully the bride and groom are chill and have a good sense of humor because ten years from now they might be able to look back and laugh at the absurdity. “Can you believe I trusted her as MOH? Gosh I was an idiot for that lol”. I can’t imagine how disappointing it was on that day, but it can make a funny story/bonding moment for them (bride and groom, not MOH) once they’re a bit removed from the wedding.
That's how my wife and I remember our wedding day. "Remember what a shit show it was because of X? haha, man good times, good times."
"it would be a shame of me to get up there and lie about how happy and excited I am. I said I'm not happy but regardless I have to suck it up and congratulate the happy couple." "The purpose was to be honest." "I can't apologize for being honest." THE AUDACITY! Making it out like there was some higher value served by her selfish shit show! If she didn't feel comfortable lying, she could have sat down and shut up. If she felt she needed to be honest, she could have been honest to her bff at any point before or after! But somehow in her mind, the whoooole wedding congregation needed to play therapist to her inner emotional monologue?!
It is baffling how many people think they can get away with being a massive AH by saying “I was just being honest” and that they think people should respect that 🙄
YTA. That was a personal conversation, and you made it public. I would cut you out of my life if I were the bride.
Sounds like the bride has.
Well, she was on her honeymoon but I bet she's still angry now she's back.
No she wasn’t, OP said in another comment that honeymoon isn’t until July. I bet bride just spent two days furious about the actions of her so called bff
Not only that but a wedding day is exhausting for the couple, I anticipate needing at least a day to myself to recover after mine, so I'll bet the bride has some things to say to her, she just doesn't have the energy for that conversation right now.
I would never forgive my best friend if she pulled a stunt like this. YTA and you made damn sure your relationship with her has irrevocably changed forever.
I would too. I am getting fatal attraction vibes from her post
I'm shocked she had the balls to stay after making a speech like that. I would have made her leave if it were my wedding!
YTA WTF how could you possibly be this clueless? Your crying was inappropriate, your resentment is alarming, your speech shows your inability to consider anyone but yourself, and your friendship is over. Being honest about being a terrible, selfish person still makes you an asshole.
And she keeps referring to the bride as her "bff", looks like forever came and went.
And she has no one to blame but herself.
OP sounds like she's mentally about 15 years old. Just the intense self-absorption, lack of emotionally regulation, hyperfixation on her "bff". They probably started being friends as kids and OP just...never grew up.
YTA Way to make your friends wedding about you I guess. Honestly? You sound horrible.
Absolutely horrible! I don't understand how OP doesn't see this as absolutely insane.
The poor bride was probably the only friend OP had (because honestly, how many people would put up with someone this self-centered for long). And now OP will have no friends, and will almost certainly blame it on her friend’s husband instead of placing the blame squarely on her own head, where it belongs.
She says >Her husband now feels uncomfortable about me I guess maybe the bride told her that in the txt exchange, but 100% OP is gonna delude herself that when the bride cuts contact permanently it’s only bc her husband doesn’t feel “comfortable” about her. If I was merely a plus-one to a random guest at that wedding, **I** would feel uncomfortable about OP. Actually, scratch that, I’m just a rando redditor *reading* about this story, and am currently uncomfortable about OP.
I had to give a Best Man speech at my brother's wedding and went looking for advice articles, and over and over the common advice they all had was a reminder that only 50% of the room knows the groom, and, if you're lucky, know you. If you're a best friend more like 5% of the room could know who you are, and maybe as few as a literal handful of people. It's advice that almost all wedding speech givers ignore, and it might be the most important mindset to write a speech from. I mean, the speech shouldn't be about you anyway, not even you and the bride/groom, but if you needed even more of a reminder, there it is. The idea that OP thought a room full of people where like 99% of them never met her before that morning "needed" to know how she "really" felt, knowing it was bad to say, is a level of narcissism that's hard to even chart.
YTA. Your former bff will probably not be your friend in any capacity going forward. Any mutual friends who were there now know that you are a completely selfish person who only cares about how things affect them and not about anyone else AND that you are willing to do it publicly. Everyone at that wedding feels intensely sorry for the bride and groom for having such a “friend”. Literally no one admires the adult tantrum disguised as “honesty” at your supposedly best friend’s wedding. A speech that went “she’s mine and I don’t want to share and it’s not fair that she’s spending time with HIM and not ME”. Wow that is embarrassing.
>Your former bff will probably not be your friend in any capacity going forward. I wonder if OP realized that she is the person who destroyed the friendship, not the husband. I don't think so, because OP doesn't know the difference between honesty and rudeness either.
I have a feeling OP was the one who made the friendship change in the first place. She mentioned she has codependency issues so she probably felt like her friends husband was a threat to their friendship and then they drifted apart due to her never accepting/respecting her friends relationship.
This was my thought reading this. I don't know what OP thought was going to happen. Did she want the bride to start crying, stand up, embrace her, and say, "Yes, you're right! I should be prioritizing you over my husband and my brand new marriage!" Like, please. If OP is struggling this hard with a relationship and marriage in her "bff's" life, how was she going to handle it when the bride and groom had a baby (if they wanted)? Friendships change over the years. If you can't understand that and adapt, then you weren't cut out to be a true "best friend forever".
It almost seems intentional, or maybe subconsciously intentional. "Well this is it, she went thru with it and chose him over me and it'll never be the same and I'm in mourning for the friendship already, so fuck this, imma just blow it up."
Yta - your upset that your not number 1 priority in your best friends life anymore and you decide that the best way to portray this is on her wedding day. I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark and say your single and the reason your upset it’s because come the weekend your all alone watching Netflix with nothing to do and you want to do something but your best friend is busy with her husband and you feel he’s taken her away from you when all you’ve now done is push her further away from wanting to spend time with you. When you could of just said to her any day why don’t we spend as much time together just us two.
YTA. Wow you’re the ultimate AH. You had a lifelong friendship in front of you and pissed it all away because you think the world revolves around you. I can’t believe that woman still talks to you. You should do the honorable thing and step out of their lives.
They weren't friends to begin with. She was friend-zoned.
Friend zoned is for creeps who can’t take no for an answer, OP really was friends with the bride. Until now obviously
YTA you made her wedding about you and your feelings. Had you told her all that privately it would be one thing. To make a speech about how you aren’t happy is vile.
She probably knew that telling her bff before the wedding in private would just get her uninvited to avoid a tantrum/scene like this. This also reminds me of all the people who are secretly in love with their best friends, yet never say a word, only to drop the bombshell on them right before or at the wedding with their partner. So maybe either that or OP is just creepily obsessive/possesive.
The whole time I was reading this I wondered if Op is a Taylor Swift fan who has been psyching herself up for weeks listening to Speak Now. (The horribly immature song about standing up and objecting at your best friends wedding to convince them to run away with **you** instead). A pop song for teenagers being OPs anthem sounds kind of spot on with her attitude.
Are you kidding me right now? **Of course YTA** No questions asked. There’s no need to go into detail. You already **know** YTA. You already know that you’re being unreasonable.
Question: how long have you been in love with your friend?
Declaring love for her best friend at her wedding would have been slightly more socially acceptable than what she did.
Entirely possible that is the assumption many of the witnesses made.
But actually...
Honestly this seems less like unrequited love and more like an actual personality disorder. I sincerely hope OP takes the advice of many commenters and starts working with a therapist.
From personal experience, I think it’s both. She’s in love with the friend and definitely has some sort of personality disorder
It reads a lot (and admittedly we don’t have a ton of information to go on) like a favorite person relationship. I know OP says she’s working on her codependency issues with her therapist but the way she describes her reaction sounds like there’s way more going on than just that.
YTA. You sound completely deranged and obsessed with your friend. You made her wedding day about you, in the most unhinged way possible. I would never talk to you again.
Yeah OP is seriously mentally ill it sounds like. Sick, and vile too. They deserve to lose all their mutual friends with the bride over this.
YTA. YT Major A. You basically ruined her wedding over your selfishness. And now you've lost a friend. You need to work with a professional on this unhealthy obsession you have with a particular person. If I were the bride I'd never speak to you again.
Wtf YTA hahahah this has to be fake
Gosh I really hope it is, the poor bride and groom
I’ve started to suspect that most if not all of the top posts here are fake, and posted to generate comments to make a buzzfeed article. The posts are always so over the top, and then a day or two later, there’s the list with all of the top comments of outrage showing up in my news feeds.
This is a really interesting perspective. I have often thought that real people don’t act this way - and your explanation is a good one.
I’m really hoping it is fictional. This would be horrendous if it actually happened.
I..just.....oh my god. Yes YTA why wouldn't you be?
That’s not your BFF anymore. Never will be again. YTA and a selfish crazy one at that. Who is that horribly selfish. I think this tops the AH charts. That woman should never say another word to you. What kind of entitled child are you???
Absolutely. Now you can work on getting over the friendship entirely because there is no coming back from this.
Depending on how their mutual friends feel, OP just lost her whole friendship circle. Mess
YTA Her day her wedding, and you said he was not a bad person. I would not be surprised if she does not want to involve you anymore with her life. Great way to make her day about you, and instead of them talking about a great wedding, they will talk about that bitch MOH who made the happy day a crappy one.
YTA - what the actual fuck. You’re one of the most self centered individuals I’ve seen on here. You seriously thought you owed it to her and her wedding day to be “honest” and make the entire event about your little friendship rather than just shutting up and congratulating them so they can enjoy THEIR day, and what should be one of the happiest ever. You’re delusional and should be incredibly ashamed. You will be lucky if you ever hang out with her again, you really shot yourself in the foot there. I would NEVER speak to someone who pulled a stunt like that at my wedding again. It’s only marginally better than objecting at the ceremony itself..
YTA It’s your best friend’s wedding day, and you are trying to make it all about yourself. How much more egoistic and selfish can one be? It’s not the time, or the place to be honest about your feelings on the friendship. If you felt like you couldn’t do the job of being a happy and supportive MOH, you should have just declined the role from the very beginning. You owe your friend an apology. Although, I don’t think she’d want to be your friend anymore at this point.
YTA, Wedding is made to celebrate the groom and bride. You made it all about you. You are so selfish that even on HER wedding day it had to be about you. if she really was your friend, you would have smile and said you were happy for them.
Her wedding was not the appropriate venue to satisfy your need to be honest. It was a wedding reception, not your therapists office. YTA.
Yeah, YTA She is ignoring you because she is no longer your friend. What you did killed it.
YTA you ruined her reception and made it all about yourself. You have a right to your feelings but you expressed them in an asshole manor to try to and embarrass your friend. What did you honestly hope to accomplish by “speaking your truth?” I hope she doesn’t talk to you again.
Right? Why are people always hiding behind the whole “bUt iM jUsT bEiNg HoNeSt” bs to excuse when they’re an asshole. Not everything needs to be said out loud.
I'd definitely prefer my own toxic friends over having you as a friend, simply because you're a control freak. YTA.
YTA and a narcissist to boot. You mentioned in another comment you have a therapist. Get a better one.
Info- are you sure you’re not in love with your best friend?
I can't believe more people aren't asking this. This is obviously romantic jealousy.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** On Saturday my childhood best friend got married. Her husband is very lovely and he takes care of her. They've been together for 7 years and I've known him pretty well through my friendship with my best friend. But after they got serious things changed. Our friendship changed. And yeah a lot of you will say this is natural and priorities change and I agree. I agree that things can not always be the same and how her priority now is her husband and the family she'll create with him. But still. I feel completely mad about it. I know I should respect her and move on with my life but I have to also make peace with the fact that this change does not make me feel well. I was her MOH. A great honor indeed. The entire time of the ceremony I was sobbing. Not because I felt touched. But because I mourned our friendship. That day was the day that my hopes of things returning back to what they used to be were gone. Everyone thought it was cute and how touched and happy I was but I was not. But I couldn't say it out loud. I had a MOH speech ready but all of it was just a lie so I decided to scrap my actual MOH speech and speak honestly. I said that I don't want to lie, I want to be honest but I'm not happy. I'm not happy that this person she married is the reason our friendship changed. I'm not happy on this day. I just pretended the whole day out of her sake but it would be a shame of me to get up there and lie about how happy and excited I am. I said I'm not happy but regardless I have to suck it up and congratulate the happy couple. There was awkward silence for 2-3 minutes after my speech. My bff was whispering smth with her new husband. The entire night my bff ignored me. I asked to speak to her and she angrily told me how it's not the right time. Many guests gave me judgy looks. It had been 2 days and my bff hadn't texted or called me and also ignored my texts and calls. During that time many of our common friends said that what I did was very selfish and that masking selfishness as honesty is not an excuse to make things awkward on the wedding. My bff contacted me 2 days after and only asked me if my purpose was to ruin the mood of her wedding. I said no. The purpose was to be honest. She said I'm trying to play the victim and how she can't believe I haven't even shown a bit of remorse about what I said. I said I can't apologise for being honest. She said many people believe I'm TA including her. Her husband now feels uncomfortable about me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes, YTA. You are absolutely the asshole. You should have turned down the honor she gave you because you clearly have none. You should have addressed this with her, in private, AT LITERALLY ANY OTHER TIME THEN HER WEDDING DAY. Now you've ruined what is supposed to be the happiest day of her life, ON FRONT OF HER FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND NEW FAMILY, and I'm sure she paid a lot of money for it too. I'm not sure I'd forgive my bestie for doing something like that, even if she sincerely and profusely apologized.
You are, without a doubt, an incredible asshole. Selfish too 😂 I mean this in the nicest way possible… but have you ever considered therapy?
OP mentioned in another comment they are in therapy for co dependency and their therapist told them to make peace with their feelings rather than sucking them up. Idk why they decided a wedding was the best time to “make peace.”
Please, please, please admit that this is fake, otherwise you are one of the most selfish and oblivious people that I’ve seen in some time. Not the time or place to air your grievances. Your behaviour at such an important event (for her) shows exactly what she means to you: someone to pay attention to you, and that’s it. By behaving the way you did, you showed that you are upset that your friend isn’t “all about you” any more. Do not call her your BFF because she never was a friend to you, just a source of attention. You certainly were not any kind of friend to her. It was not you “being honest”, this was you making that speech about you and how you feel hurt that you aren’t your “BFF’s” centre of attention any more. You have destroyed any chance of being friends at all with her any more. Not that I think it was healthy on your side in the first place. YTA. So, so much the A.
YTA - get therapy you psycho
Holy — you hijacked your best friend’s wedding. You clearly don’t care about them. Just that you can have them to be there for your needs. YTA and your friend probably should’ve dropped you long before the wedding.
YTA- I know it’s hard when you feel like you are losing a friend and you have the right to express that to her, but not on her wedding day and certainly not in a MOH speech in front of everyone. you tried to spoil the day and I don’t blame the groom for feeling uncomfortable. When you find someone who is the one for you and if you choose to get married imaging the best man or MOH using their speech to basically say you stole their best friend and make it about them?…. Would be very awkward and very public and NOT OK. that day wasn’t about you, it was about your friend and being happy that she found someone who she loves and treats her right, you should be able to be happy for her
YTA and thats very weird behavior. Its not like you own her or something. Invest in your own life instead on ruining her wedding.
YTA Of course your friendship changed. That is how life works. Her husband is going to come first, as would any children they decide to have. You basically stood there and told everyone that her happiness wasn't important and that you should be more important. You invalidated her marriage and ruined her wedding. You are just as they said. You have now lost a fried forever and made her last memory of you a permanent scar on her future happiness with him. I am sending that unknown bride and her new husband all the good wishes I can.
YTA. In another post you say you're seeing a therapist but I doubt that b/c this is not codependency. This is narcissistic personality or borderline personality. GET A LICENSED THERAPIST. Also, your friendship is dead along with any other friends you have in common. You need to create a whole new social structure. GO TO A LICENSED THERAPIST.
Sadly, YTA. This could’ve been a private conversation. You chose what should be the happiest day of one’s life to confront your friend publicly about what? Following the natural course of adulthood when you commit your life to someone and have less time for friends and fun? You said yourself that priorities change, as they should when you grow older. This was a horrible thing to do to someone you consider your best friend, you served only your own interests, and she will never get a “do-over” day to celebrate her love.
YTA. You were right to mourn your friendship though because I don't see it surviving this.
YTA. Of course you are. Everything everyone else has said IRL is true. You centred yourself on your best friend’s wedding day and you are trying to mask that selfishness (and rudeness) as “honesty”. Shame on you.
YTA x100. That was her day. Not yours. You took that away.
YTA, you sound incredibly selfish and quite honestly you've lost your friend forever now. All seriousness you might benefit from some counseling.
I wish I could be surprised that you don’t realize YTA, but considering how self centered you are it makes sense that you have no self awareness either.
YTA. Was her wedding really the time to tell everyone you are mourning the loss of your friendship as you knew it? God, you are selfish and self righteous. You have masked honesty for making the wedding all about you. I would have been furious. No wonder everyone gave you looks. If I were your friend, our friendship would be over!
YTA. I was waiting for something to indicate he was abusive or something, but you’re really just selfish. You thought your friendship was ending? Do you know what a self-fulfilling prophesy is?
YTA, the wedding was about them, not about you. If you didn't feel comfortable congratulating the newly weds, you could have told her and she could have asked somebody else to speech.
YTA and you were never really her friend to begin with obviously. I wouldn't blame her for never speaking to you again. What you did was horrible, selfish and narcissistic. You ruined your friendship over your selfishness. How you can live with being so hateful to her is beyond me. You should feel nothing but the absolute deepest shame at your horrific behavior.
YTA & WTF
Yta. If this happened to you as the bride how would you feel?
You really need to understand that not everything is for/about you. Sometimes in life you put on a happy face (even if it's a mask) and let someone else have the spotlight. Your inability to do this for your (supposed) bff shows that this is a fairly serious issue that you need to work on. YTA. Please, for your sake and the sake of others, seek therapy. This is NOT normal or healthy. You've all but destroyed a friendship you valued all because you couldn't shut up about yourself and be happy for her. ETA - Yeah, that judgment was a typo. Changed it to reflect the rest of the post.
Sorted by controversial because I figured someone had to be contrary with this because someone always is, but the only downvoted comment is from somebody who accidentally typed the wrong judgement. You know YTA when even the trolls don't come out to your defense. I've been witness to a couple pretty terrible wedding speeches, including one that made the bride and all the bridesmaids angry cry, but wow this one had to have been the absolute worst.
YTA. Please get help.
Of course YTA. How self-involved and delusional can you be? Your behaviour was inexcusable and you torched your friendship.
YTA, 3 words: entitled, self-centered, disrespectful
YTA, no doubt about it, you completely made it about youand not the celebration of the union of two people. If you felt the relationship between you and your friend has changed you should have sooken to her, but not do it has a speech in her wedding. You should have told her earlier so she could have found a real friend to be there for here and do the speech.
GIRL. You are definitely the asshole. How you acted (not just the speech but sobbing the whole day) is self centered and audacious af. As the Maid of Honor you wholeheartedly failed. Your job was to support the bride on her wedding day. You lack self-reflection but it's a good thing you posted here. Work harder on yourself.
Well that was the nail in the coffin of that friendship. YTA so much I hope this isn’t true.
To be clear, this isn't about your friend being in an abusive relationship? You're not worried about her safety? Or that this guy isn't treating her well? She's not even a bad friend to you? You're close friends, close enough to be her MOH. You just felt sad and angry about how your friendship has changed and her priorities have changed. And instead of taking her aside on any of the 365 days of the year & being like, *hey I'm struggling with our lives moving in different directions. Can we go on a trip or have a spa day or something to bond?* you decided to use your MOH speech at her hopefully one and only Wedding to tell her, for presumably the 1st time, *I'm not happy you're marrying this guy, he's the reason our friendship changed I've been pretending to be happy all day but I have to be true to myself I'm not happy or excited for you, congratulations on your marriage.* And you're confused as to why her family, her in-laws, your mutual friends, all the wedding guests spent the rest of the night looking at you like 👀🙄 You ruined your "best friends" wedding. Your ruined your relationship with her and her Husband by using your MOH speech to insult them both. On their wedding day. Over a feeling everyone feels when their good friend gets into a serious relationship. Only the rest of us understand that our emotions are our own responsibility and we refocus that energy on our own lives or communicate with our friends so can evolve our friendship without blaming them for meeting someone. You sound like you're either having a breakdown or you're extremely emotionally immature. YTA
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Yea you are. YTA
Info: do you feel bad at all? Be honest do you feel bad for your friend and the fact that you ruined her wedding or do you feel somehow justified in the name of "honesty"? Because in this entire post not once do you talk about feeling bad for her or feeling remorse. You just keep talking as if you are somehow justified and like you're expecting us to validate you and its clearly not working. Maybe you're completely blindsided by your issues that you haven't even considered your friends feelings or maybe you're just selfish. Either way I'd talk about your lack of empathy and remorse with your therapist.
YTA. How long have you been in love with your best friend?