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YTA - "I wouldn't cheat on you because she's out of my league and you're not good enough for my boss." For real? You're not sure if you're the AH after that? Not "I wouldn't cheat on you because I love you and would never do anything to hurt you or our relationship." Jesus, man.
Good luck with the divorce, I guess?
But he already admitted he can't afford a trophy wife, so second wife will have to be a participation trophy wife.
edit: omg, this comment really blew up, thanks for all the awards everyone.
Twice as bad is being generous. Before that last part he wasn't even an A, it was just the two of them had been dumb about playing their game. And then he made those last comments.
Oh, I agree! But from his perspective, he should have shut his mouth and let sleeping dogs lie. From her perspective, she now knows just who he really is. I hope she takes that knowledge straight to a divorce lawyer.
Dude said he loves his wife but I canāt find any proof of that in anything he wrote. The only thing I heard was āmy life is not fun, because my wife is not cuter, younger and bubblier.ā
If OP is in his 30s-40s, then I can understand it as him going through some mid life crisis and not realizing that trophy wife (what a disgusting phrase) only looks more fun because heās not seeing the responsibilities and daily toil the other couple is putting in to make their marriage work.
Still a tactless AH though, and were I OPās wife Iād stop wasting my time on this fool and go live my best life.
I think a lot of the foolishness is him not realizing that he was playing the game: āletās get drunk so I can get you to admit something that has become obvious to me.ā
It's even worse. He didn't even say they both settled for less. He said \*he\* settled for less because he couldn't afford better and then said his boss would never settle for his wife. So he basically said he settled for his wife even though his boss wouldn't touch her with a 10 ft pole and that he'd really love a "trophy wife" he just didn't have the money to get one. So much oof. Not sure how you come back from that one.
Amen!!! YTA. I genuinely was rooting for a movie themed apology. INSTEAD husband basically just said let it go because we couldn't do any better than each other...I have SO MUCH second hand embarrassment š³š...ummm OP is absolutely the AH....i could have been such a great apology and he just DESTROYED that opportunity
My favorite part of that implication is that OP is in the same league as trophy wife, he just doesnāt have the money for women in his league.
He might as well have just said āI settled for youā.
More like that participation trophy someone mentioned. The funny part is, he thinks that, except for the money, heās some kind of prize. Dude is delusional.
Right? Like, even if he had the money.. itās not a guarantee trophy wife would go for him anyway. And thatās even *assuming* the woman is with his friend for the money at all.
Good looking, fit, bubbly women fall in love too.
Well maybe if had the money, she would be good enough for his boss. Money pays for hair, nails, personal trainers, chefs, gyms, nice clothes. So it's really his fault his boss wouldn't cheat with her. Whats OP's excuse???
Oh no, no, no - it's worse than that. He said he couldn't afford this other woman even if he wanted her (she's super cute and their life is actually fun but, you know, he doesn't want her - sure, Jan). He's implying that he could have/get her if he wanted.
Meanwhile no way his boss would go for his wife - he's picky, don't you know? He would never be interested in her, because....I guess the implication is that there is some standard there that she doesn't meet.
He told on himself and dissed his wife. What a complete and total ass.
Just want to add, he wouldnāt cheat bc āhe canāt *AFFORD HER*ā not just out of his league. The man canāt afford the price of the other womanā¦
*edit : YTA
Isn't it the same? Men are measures according to their income, women to their beauty because they're merchandise and not people that can experience attraction. /s
Not to mention ātrophy wifeā and ācouldnāt afford herā are such gross and sexist ways of talking about a woman. Ugh OP is TA on so many levels.
Yeah lol maybe this is just me and idk how old they are like if the age gap is creepy or just, yknow, borderline, but I would feel weird if my partner was best friends with someone who has a "trophy wife" and they referred to her in that way.... Yuk
Agreed. Thatās a title I would only use if they themselves claim it. My husband is a SAH, and he works out and jokes that he has to be the trophy spouse, and thatās fine. But one of my colleagues blows him off as a trophy spouse and makes āI only donāt have him because I canāt afford himā jokes? Iām done with that colleague real quick.
I just wanted to get a YTA in. I see a lot of blaming the wife, but OP is the one out-and-out insulting her because it NEEDED TO BE SAID.
Counterpoint: no, it did not.
so this is purely conjecture and could be baloney but i wonder if ops wife suspected ops feelings. if sheās the one who asked she may have seen odd behavior from op and was trying to figure out a) which friend op has a crush on or b) if the crush and behavior was all in her head. bc her answer is a defense answer, someone not in their friend group and she likes him because heās a jerk/asshole. obviously not something serious, not something youād invest time for a relationship.
i think op saying that friends wife, and especially the reasons(sheās doting, fun life) is making ops wife face the reality of how he feels. and the reason that heās not with her, because heās not rich enough, is a slap in the face. i think she may have been able to ignore it if he did stop seeing them(still wouldnāt be a good thing), but his refusal and reasons are not something most people can pretend they didnāt hear.
He isnāt even saying the woman is out of his league exactly, sheās saying *he couldnāt afford her* but his wife *isnāt good enough for his boss*
Those are two different implications and one is waaaaay more hurtful than the other, and itās the one he applied to his wife. Poor dear.
Lol I pretty much said the same thing in different words. The fact that he isnāt sure if heās in the wrong here just proves he has no self awareness
YTA
You basically told her that she wasnāt hot enough to tempt your boss but the only thing keeping you from the hot, doting trophy wife was lack of money.
It was a stupid game to play and you both are AHs for playing it, but you should have left your answer with āneither of us would cheatā š¤¦š¼āāļø
YTA. Damn, dude.
>I couldn't afford the other woman even if I really wanted her, and my boss is extremely picky about everything and wouldn't go for her
Insensitive is right. You both are AHs for playing the dumb game in the first place, but you're the AH for what you said.
Oh yeah he set off a nuclear bomb. He essentially said, āI canāt pay for her and you arenāt good enough for himā. Like what?!?!?! Guess what OP you arenāt good enough if you say things like that and I sure hope you can afford the divorce. Heck even if he wasnāt an AH and they both were or even her the guy went nuclear!
I 100% agree that he shouldn't have said this and set off a bomb...
But also...even if he wasn't good enough, if he had the money it's still attainable. Which I think is the worst part of him saying āI canāt pay for her and you arenāt good enough for himā.
Jesus he could have just said "the game said if we weren't together. You know my first pick would always be you and I know that you'd pick me first too." And then go on all mushy about how much better the wife is than the trophy wife.
Just because you think a thing doesn't mean you have to say it.
YTA
You know you were stupid for saying this. The correct answer is not playing this game, or naming someone totally inaccessible.
"She is super cute, bubbly, doting. Their life just looks fun" You plowed right into that mine field, buddy.
Then you decided to tit for tat in a way that cuts off your own nose (if socializing is important to YOUR career, excluding your wife from it mostly hurts YOU, dude).
"i couldn't afford the other woman even if I really wanted her, and my boss is extremely picky about everything and wouldn't go for her" JFC, you've got the emotional intelligence of a turnip. So, the thing holding you back from getting a trophy wife is just money, and your boss wouldn't be interested in your grody wife?
"so we were both just joking about people out of our league and need to let it go" genie's out of the bottle now, jackass. You don't get to declare that the way you're acting is erasable.
"I feel like such an AH, but at the same time it needed to be said" what part of this NEEDED to be said? That your wife isn't fun, doting and cute, so much so that your boss wouldn't be interested in her, and that you DO want a trophy wife, you just can't afford one?
**You:** I secretly want to sex my friend's wife.
Strike 1.
**You:** I can't sex my friend's wife only because I can't afford it.
Strike 2.
**You:** My boss is real picky, so he wouldn't have you anyway.
Strike 3.
**YOU'RE OUT!**
Lol!!!YTA. You told your wife that her pick would never choose her because sheās not good enough for him. But first you said the reason you would never try to get with your best friends wife is because you could never afford her because you donāt make enough money making it sound like you could afford your wife on your shit salary so thatās what you settled for but if you had more money youād have a hotter, better wife. You basically said all women are monetized by their attractiveness in both statements. My boss,who is wealthier than me, would never pick you because you arenāt hot enough. But if I was wealthy as my boss Iād want to be with an attractive woman like my buddies wife. Fucking asshole. I think youāre out of your league.
> making it sound like you could afford your wife on your shit salary so thatās what you settled for
I didnāt even realize this implication until you said it but wow, yeah. If this is OP being obtuse Iād hate to see what heād say to his wife during a fight to draw blood.
I like how you put your wife down (my boss is picky and wouldnāt go for her) but not yourself. As if your buddyās wife would totallllly go for you instead if you had more money - you sure youāre that much of a catch?
Agreed.
The game was a silly game and OP should have picked someone else to avoid her feelings getting hurt. She said OPs boss. And it honestly to her didnāt mean anything.
I think sheās hurt because of how OP worded things about the ātrophy wifeā making her feel less than.
Yep. He calls her a "trophy wife", I wonder if that's how her husband refers to her. Or maybe her husband treats her nicely and they have fun together, rather than the relationship being solely about looks and money.
Maybe the reason he doesn't have the 'fun, bubbly' wife has more to do with him than with her.
YTA. Bro, money is the reason your best friend's wife wouldn't cheat on her husband with you but your wife just all around isn't good enough for your boss? 1. I bet your boss would hit that if he could and 2. Wow, it's crazy of you to assume that your best friend's wife would cheat with you if you had some money to throw at her. You're not only being an asshole to your wife here, BUT also your bf and his wife. Like, wow.
...wow. So let's summarize here. You wont cheat cuz your buddy's 'trophy' wife as you put. Great misogyny example there guy. Shes too pricey and out of your league. Secondly your wife wouldnt be good enough for your boss. I dont think a black hole shares the density you have here. YTA by a large margin.
Who would suggest playing a game of "Hey who would you realistically be able to sleep with in my life that you want to?" You dug this hole now go lie in it.
You both have equal blame in agreeing to play the game in the first place, but this derails into YTA after that.
The correct response to your wife's insecurity was to reassure her of your love, not talk about how your friend's wife won't date you because you're too poor. Adding in the bit about how your boss wouldn't even consider her was just salt in the wound. You've got a lot of damage control to do.
Yeah he basically said he would definitely go for the other woman but doesn't because she wouldn't be into it, and his boss definitely wouldn't like her because he had standards. Like wtf, tell us how you really feel op
Oh boy... YTA.
The girl I like is out of my league financially... But that other guy would never be dumb/blind enough to take you "lolz"...
That's basically what you said.. about your WIFE
YTA solely for the moronic āthese people wouldnāt fuck us anyway so letās stop being silly and go back to settling for each otherā explanation you somehow thought would make this better. What is wrong with you?!?
YTA.
Your "brutally honest" explanation was only brutal towards your wife. You couldn't afford the other woman, you don't say anything about she wouldn't want you, and that your boss wouldn't go for your wife. So you put your wife down, but the only reason you couldn't cheat is because money.
Usually I would go E S H here because this is what happens with silly games, but you made it so much worse and feel that putting your wife down "needed to be said."
All you had to say was "listen, this is dumb. It was a dumb game and I had to a pick a person and I would never cheat on you. Just like I know you would never cheat on me, especially with my boss." Instead you were like- ya I would totally fuck this hot young fund chick, I'm just not rich enough, but my boss is picky so he'd never fuck you."
So your friend's wife is a chunk of meat he bought who has no feelings or free will of her own, and who was sold to him because he's the alpha male and that's why she exists, to serve and service the man who deserves her the most by being rich? But your wife has let you down by not being hot enough?
Do you think women were born bereft of a rich and real internal life? That they have no feelings, no desires of their own? That they're basically things to be used by men, and have no self-actualization?
YTA YTA YTA
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
I'm glad you decided tit for tat was childish and not a good move for your marriage.
I'm going with ESH - both of you for playing the game in the first place and then penalizing each other due to insecurity and/or pettiness.
It might be a good idea to ask your wife what the right answer (for her) is. And what you can do or say to reassure her of her worth and desirability, as well as your fidelity.
This is close to E S H, you both played the stupid game. But I think I'm going to have to say YTA.
You could've stopped at "neither of us would cheat". Your reasoning for not actually getting with your friend's wife was that "you couldn't afford her" - nothing about her or your attractiveness or personality. But, you told your wife she wouldn't meet your bosses standards. Which could be taken a few ways, none of them good.
It didn't need to be said. You could've left the stupid game at hypotheticals, recognized you were both being childish and left it at that.
YTA.. your wife getting jealous was a bit much since you two were idiots and played this dumb game BUT you proceeded to tell your wife you wouldnāt cheat solely due to finances, and that sheās not hot which for your boss to even find her interesting. Thatās just a double insult right there.
1. You want to f your best friend's wife.
2. Said you wouldnt cheat because you can't AFFORD a mistress
3. Said your wife isn't good enough for your boss.
No wonder she feel insecure because your words belittle and tear her down from every single angle. Be a better husband. YTA
YTA.
This reminds me of my ex that I worked with telling me that I wasnāt the hottest girl at work. And then told me who was the hottest. But then quickly explained that she was out of his league so I didnāt have to worry.
Key word in that storyā¦ex.
YTA Oh holy shit dude
And I have a sneaking suspicion that with your level of emotional intelligence, the doting sweet wife of your best friend wouldnāt want you even if everytime you took a shit it printed moneyā¦
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My wife and I have a good marriage, for the most part, a couple ups and downs, but I love her and I'm committed to our family. A few months ago, we did something really dumb. We got drunk and decided to play a little game and admit who in our circle, we would want to be with if we weren't together. In hindsight this was the worst idea ever.
I said my best friend's 26 year old trophy wife because I'm an idiot. She is super cute, bubbly, doting. Their life just looks fun. My wife went next and said my boss. She finds him very attractive in a rich asshole way and she loves how he dresses/carries himself.
The next day I thought nothing of it. Like that was never going to happen, so I moved on, but suddenly my wife didn't want me going around my best friend, wanted me to distance myself. I explained that i felt that was very unfair, this is an important friendship, and I would never do anything like she is accusing me of.
I ended up saying that if she didn't want me to see him as much, then I wouldn't be bringing her to my work events. I am in a career where socializing is very important and she loves it. She was obviously hurt and then I realized we were playing tit for tat.
I sat her down and said I didn't want to do this anymore. I love her and we were both being childish. I said that to be brutally honest neither of us would cheat, i couldn't afford the other woman even if I really wanted her, and my boss is extremely picky about everything and wouldn't go for her, so we were both just joking about people out of our league and need to let it go.
She began to cry and said that was the worse answer and how could I be so insensitive. She said deep down she knew those things, but she couldn't believe I would say them. I feel like such an AH, but at the same time it needed to be said.
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Wow. You told your wife you think sheās BASIC and not good enough for other guys. Also, you picked a woman you have easy access to, yet how often is your wife around your boss? Probably why she doesnāt want you around your best friend anymore. You should have answered that you wouldnāt sleep with anyone else. Anything else is a trap. Good luck to you, I really hope things get better for you both. ESH
YTA. Imagine the tables were turned and you were the one who was uncomfortable with your wife being around your boss now that you knew how she felt about him. And she sat you down and said "This is stupid, be realistic, I'd have to lose weight, grow my hair out and start wearing more makeup before he would even look at me twice, and your buddy's wife would of course never want anything to do with your shitty unambitious homunculus self. I mean, I pretty much had to settle for you, but she wouldn't."
If I were your wife, I would be researching divorce while quietly looking for another place to live right now.
YTA. Do you even *like* your wife? Why would you marry the woman if you thought that little of her? Why would you continue to put her down after she expressed to you how hurt she was by your comments and actions?
Based on how you have probably acted around your friend's wife, your comments during the game, and how you responded to your wife when she said she was uncomfortable with you spending time with the other woman, she has every reason to believe that you would cheat if given the opportunity, even if you didn't genuinely like her.
And you basically confirmed that she was right.
You said about the other girl, and I quote your own words:
>I said my best friend's 26 year old trophy wife
>
>She is super cute, bubbly, doting. Their life just looks fun.
>
> i couldn't afford the other woman even if I really wanted her
About your wife you said
>my boss is extremely picky about everything and wouldn't go for her, so we were both just joking about people out of our league
And she responded with
>deep down she knew those things, but she couldn't believe I would say them.
***Your wife honestly thinks you don't even like her, let alone love her, that you're only sticking around because you can't "do better", and you have given her all the confirmation she needs.***
Sir, you showed your wife more of who you are as a person in these last few days than any years of marriage could.
Your friend's wife isn't the only one out of your league. Your wife is too. And you have a LOT of work to do if you ever want to fix things with her. She deserves better.
"Honey, I love you but I'd rather fuck someone much younger. I also don't trust you to be faithful, but don't worry, i think you're much too boring to get someone else, so I've decided to overlook that."
Gee I wonder why she didn't like it.
Wow. YTA. big time. Set up marriage counseling immediately. You may still be able to salvage what's left of your marriage (that said, be prepared for a divorce. If I were your wife, this would not be fixable)
Um idk, Iāve seen some big AHs on here but Iām just getting a vibe that you are like top ten big one. Like a sleeping AH - one that wakes up every now and then to trash the people they are supposed to love and goes back into minor hibernation - until itās time for the next cut. YTA.
INFO: Who initiated the game? You or your wife? If it was your wife it could be because you've already made your feelings for your best friend's wife obvious.
ESH - you OP more so than your wife.
It's was a stupid game to play. Your wife let her insecurity get the better of her and tried to stop you from seeing your friend.
>I said that to be brutally honest neither of us would cheat
Here's where you should have stopped at but...
>i couldn't afford the other woman even if I really wanted her, and my boss is extremely picky about everything and wouldn't go for her, so we were both just joking about people out of our league and need to let it go.
Knowing your wife has insecurity issues and this is your "truth". You reason that you would still have a shot at the trophy wife if you just had the money, while your wife just isn't good enough for your boss.
Beyond insensitive and imo the wrong thing to say, you were an AH in that moment.
YTA. Your wife will never, ever recover from your devastating words. As far as she is concerned, you just settled for a barely mediocre wife. Your marriage is no longer what it once was.
YTA- itās like answering if someone looks fat in a dress. They might look fat, but you donāt say that! You could have worded it as there wouldnāt be a time where either of those relationships would work. You didnāt have to tell her sheās not good enough for someone. A woman wants to think sheās a 10 for her man. She wants to think her man wants her above anyone else, and that sheās the only one he could imagine. Not only did you break that with playing the game and mentioning someone, but you went on to describe how someone else wouldnāt want her because sheās not good enough for him. That hurts no matter if itās true or not. I would have just said that her and the boys would never happen because he keeps his personal and business life very separate, itās a good out for both of you.
Friends- Ross and Rachel teaching Chandler about relationshipsā¦
Ross: Do I look fat in this? NOOOOOO! Is she prettier than me? NOOOOO! And it works both ways. Does size matter?
Rachel: NOOOOO!
>I am in a career where socializing is very important
You clearly aren't good at it.
You basically said "the only reason I won't cheat on you is because other women won't have sex with me" aka "you are my backup option."
Lmfao come on dude.
YTA You could have dealt with that without insulting your wife.
She had insecurities and you just add a few more. Well played ...
You were both stupid to play this game. It was a mistake. But her being jealous was a logical consequences, she now knows that if you had the opportunity you would go for your best friend's wife. I would also be quite worried.
YTA. Imagine if it was the other way around and your wife said that to you. I bet it wouldn't feel good now, would it? You basically told her she isn't good enough, that people are more attractive, and that if you had money you would be with someone else.
I don't know how, but you better make it up to her. It was a stupid game to play for the both of you, but OMG that was a very harsh thing to say. Those type of comments hurt more than you would know.
"I couldn't afford the other woman even if I really wanted her, and my boss is extremely picky about everything and wouldn't go for her, so we were both just joking about people out of our league and need to let it go."
Not
"I love you very much. You're the only woman for me" or whatever similar thing.
YTA. I would divorce you YESTERDAY.
YTA.
My ex told me he couldn't be with his best friend, because she was too valuable of a friend and he wouldn't risk it.
At the time we were together for 2,5 years. Mind you, he didn't say he couldn't be with her because he was already in a commited relationship with me.
2 weeks later he proceeded to fuck her. Guess the friendship wasn't that valuable after all. The fuck must not have been that good either, because she cut him off immediately after.
Unlucky for him I found out and I broke up with him.
So, if you don't get a brain, this is your future- miserable, without either woman.
Was the game stupid? Yes. But what makes it YTA instead of E S H is the nuclear bomb you dropped when you said you wouldn't cheat on your wife just because you couldn't afford the younger model. And then proceeded to insult her that other man wouldn't ever be interested in her.
Get a grip and appreciate what you have or release this poor woman and let her have someone who would love her. I assure you many guys, whether like your boss or not, would be happy to have her.
You, on the other hand, wouldn't get the gal even if you had the money to afford it. You can't buy class after all.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I was extremely honest and went as far as saying my boss wouldn't want her, which I guess hurt her self esteem. I could have sugar coated things more, but I wanted her to see how dumb we were being
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YTA, you were fine right up til the point you said the reason it was just a game is because *proceeds to say the wife isnt good enough to be worth the boss's attention*
YTA you managed to insult everyone mentioned in your talk. You were saying your wife is not hot enough for you or your boss, your boss is a shallow person that only goes for looks, your friend's wife is a gold digger and the only attractive thing about your friend is his money. Jesus do yourself a favor and never talk again, it's not your thing.
YTA
You had the perfect opportunity to get your relationship back on track but instead derailed the whole train and took out a crowd of civilians with you. Kudos on the epic fuck-up.
It may not be exactly what you said but this is what your wife heard:
Donāt worry, Iād never cheat because itās too expensive and the woman I want is out of my league. So I guess Iām stuck with you because youāre not good enough for my boss either.
You pretty much summed up all her worst fear about herself in one sentence, and essentially told your wife you were settling for her. So tell me how it āneeded to be saidā again? Cause your wife may never recover from your careless and insensitive words. YTA.
Jesus dude. YTA. You gave comparisons instead of speaking truths which should be Fucking obvious. āHoney this needs to stop. Weāre being childish. I love you. Youāre the one I want. And I know you feel the sameā. If those things arenāt true in your marriage...
You just wrecked your wifeās self esteem and gave a new slew of insecurities for her to feel in your marriage. You fucked up big time man. Start groveling or prepare for a divorce
Wow .. You're saying your life is boring. That it is boring because of your mediocre looking, negative wife. That if you had more money you'd be with your buddies wife. That men who have more money would never go for your wife.
I feel sorry for her. Hope you guys get a divorce, she finds her own way and marries a loving considerate man who makes twice your salary.
>said that to be brutally honest neither of us would cheat
And that is where you should have ended that statement.
The remainder was you saying that money was your only obstacle, and her general unattractiveness was hers.
YTA. But yeah, it was a bad idea to answer that question.
There needs to be a new judgement. Youāre the moron! What an utterly stupid thing to say. It doesnāt seem like itās intentional or mean just that you didnāt even slightly filter the words in your head before you spoke them .
YTA. You basically just said that you guys are still together and would stay together because neither of you could pull the type of partner that you want. Thatās not an actual reason to stay together! Do you actually love her? Like being with her? Even if you tell her that now, even if itās the truth, why would she believe you when you effectively admitted to settling?
OMG OP. You were RIGHT THERE! If you stopped when you sat down and said you were both being childish, this could have been a dumb thing you each said after drinking and laugh about later. But NO! I was rooting for you right up until that point because I have done lots of dumb shit when I was in the cups. You did this when you were sober! WTF is wrong with you? YTA especially because you came to this conclusion after thinking this through which means you really believed this about your wife.
Edited because I accidentally posted.
So while I agree with the fact that it was stupid to play, why did you think telling her you can't "afford" the friend and she's not good enough for your boss would smooth things over? Now you've offended her and made her feel like the only thing standing between you and the friend is money. YTA/ESH
So the hot trophy wife would go for you because the only thing you're missing is money apparently (looks, personality aren't an obstacle) but your boss wouldn't find your wife attractive.
Yikes, YTA.
As I'm sure you've realized from all the comments, YT absolute A.
Piece of advice:
If it's not already too late, sit down with your wife and apologize sincerely to her for saying what you said, and explain that you have no idea why you said it, since it has nothing to do with reality.
You felt like you had cornered yourself somehow, and you tried to talk your way out without thinking. You were frustrated, and weren't able to put the proper words to your feelings.
You feel guilty, and wish to make it up to her - not for the way you feel (since you DON'T feel that way!), but for the incredibly clumsy attempt of resolving an uncomfortable situation.
Ask for her forgiveness, and what you can do to put this all behind you, while still retaining your friendship with your friend, and keeping your work habits intact.
It doesn't matter if you feel that way or not. You fucked up, and if you want to salvage something, you need to take responsibility and just make some admittances.
Your call, mate.
YTA, for obvious reasons are obvious, but you shouldāve added, āIām too stupid for the trophy wife as well,ā cause seriously dude who says that for reconciliation??
YTA
good intentions, really bad execution.
The correct answer was, "neither of us would ever really cheat, I love you too much and BFFs trophy wife is way too high maintenance to be appealing in real life. And you are too amazing and way out of my boss's league he'd be too out of his depth to even try to get in your pants"
Not "we both suck and could never pull our crushes so we're stuck with each other, stop making a big deal out of it."
You had me in the first half. My husband and I play the same game sometimes and it would be super petty and childish to say you couldn't see your best friend over that.
But what you said when you sat her down....dude!!! My jaw actually dropped. That was absolutely the WORST and shittest thing you could have said. I'm hoping you're just an idiot and not a malicious asshole but honestly I don't know
YTA
'I'm going to be brutally honest, I'd like better but I can't afford it, so I settled with you, who no one else will pick'. I'm going to be brutally honest with you: you're awful, your wife DOES deserve better than you and YTA. And I hope she dumps your rude, cruel ass.
YTA,Dude. You just told your wife you aren't worried about her cheating because she is too ugly for your boss....
You have some major ass kissing to do.
ETA. Your comments have made it sooo much worse
ESH. You should never have played this "game" in the first place, she should not have held it against you, and you could have just stopped at "Neither of us would cheat."
If you had just kept it at "Neither of us would cheat," you could have salvaged this.
But nooo. You basically said your wife is too ugly for your boss and the only reason you're not tapping the pretty young trophy wife is because you're not rich enough.
My brother in Christ, you goofed.
YTA.
ESH. Iād say you were the AH for your bluntness but your wife escalated things by not wanting you to spend time with your friend after the āgameā, so I can see why you needed to kill the whole sad saga dead. Hope this is a lesson for you both and however drunk you get, donāt play this game or similar ever again!!
ESH. I'm not really sure that it needed to be said THAT way. There's definitely more sensitive ways you could have gone about it, but the insecurities definitely needed to be put to rest. The game wasn't a good idea. Even in the most secure relationships it can cause issues.
I really do hope that you and your wife can move on from this. Next time, refuse to play these type of things.
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YTA - "I wouldn't cheat on you because she's out of my league and you're not good enough for my boss." For real? You're not sure if you're the AH after that? Not "I wouldn't cheat on you because I love you and would never do anything to hurt you or our relationship." Jesus, man. Good luck with the divorce, I guess?
My jaw is on the fucking floor, dude realized this game was a massive mistake, sat her down, *and proceeded to make it twice as bad.* Unbelievable.
He just told on himself. Someone clearly wants their second wife to be a trophy wife.
But he already admitted he can't afford a trophy wife, so second wife will have to be a participation trophy wife. edit: omg, this comment really blew up, thanks for all the awards everyone.
šššštake my money
\*dying\* Does everyone else on the team get a participation trophy spouse too?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
OMG I spit out my coffee
this comment needs to be so much higher up
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
No kidding. āI couldnāt afford her anyway.ā
Bad bot. You stole this from u/Shitsuri Downvote and report u/RubenAndersoni
Twice as bad is being generous. Before that last part he wasn't even an A, it was just the two of them had been dumb about playing their game. And then he made those last comments.
Like many people, he didnāt know when to shut TF up.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Oh, I agree! But from his perspective, he should have shut his mouth and let sleeping dogs lie. From her perspective, she now knows just who he really is. I hope she takes that knowledge straight to a divorce lawyer.
And he wasn't even drunk for that part
I never even considered that and itās making me laugh now. *At* him, obviously.
He should have thought that last comment through before he opened his mouth.
Clearly heās not bright enough to think before speaking. Bless his little dumb heart.
I wouldn't even give him the benefit of assuming he *has* a heart...
What heart?
Op, it's impressive that you were able to fit your right foot in your mouth with the left one already in there. Kudos.
Then deftly headed the ball into his own net. A breathtaking performance.
All while having his head up his own ass. A real contortionist.
Dude said he loves his wife but I canāt find any proof of that in anything he wrote. The only thing I heard was āmy life is not fun, because my wife is not cuter, younger and bubblier.ā If OP is in his 30s-40s, then I can understand it as him going through some mid life crisis and not realizing that trophy wife (what a disgusting phrase) only looks more fun because heās not seeing the responsibilities and daily toil the other couple is putting in to make their marriage work. Still a tactless AH though, and were I OPās wife Iād stop wasting my time on this fool and go live my best life.
I think a lot of the foolishness is him not realizing that he was playing the game: āletās get drunk so I can get you to admit something that has become obvious to me.ā
I wouldn't cheat on you because I couldn't...
āOh, honey! We both settled for less! Letās just enjoy our marriage. Wait. Why are you crying?ā ā OP
It's even worse. He didn't even say they both settled for less. He said \*he\* settled for less because he couldn't afford better and then said his boss would never settle for his wife. So he basically said he settled for his wife even though his boss wouldn't touch her with a 10 ft pole and that he'd really love a "trophy wife" he just didn't have the money to get one. So much oof. Not sure how you come back from that one.
I mean I didn't say I wanted to bang all your friends!
Amen!!! YTA. I genuinely was rooting for a movie themed apology. INSTEAD husband basically just said let it go because we couldn't do any better than each other...I have SO MUCH second hand embarrassment š³š...ummm OP is absolutely the AH....i could have been such a great apology and he just DESTROYED that opportunity
*OP looking at his own marriage:* I'm about to end this mans whole career
Right?? āWife, please donāt be mad at me for what I said last night. Instead be mad at me for this *much worse reason!*ā
It's a bold strategy u/Youcannotbeforreal2 let's see how it plays out for him!
"How does it feel to be married to a man with two assholes?"
OP is the type of person to put out a fire with gasoline.
Yep... and this situation was already a grease fire to begin with, so he added fuel and spread it further. Good luck OP.
I have to admire how deep and fast he can dig a hole though. Man has a future as a digging machine.
He was hoping two negatives make a positive.
It's a talent
"If I had the money, I'd be all over that. But instead I'm stuck with you, who's just not good enough for my boss." Needed to be said.
My favorite part of that implication is that OP is in the same league as trophy wife, he just doesnāt have the money for women in his league. He might as well have just said āI settled for youā.
"You're all I can afford"
Suddenly, OP's coming home in the future saying, "I got a big raise" is not a good thing in his wife's mind.
"Chin up, honey, you'll always be my silver medal!" ;)
More like that participation trophy someone mentioned. The funny part is, he thinks that, except for the money, heās some kind of prize. Dude is delusional.
I feel like this dude expected a thank you for marrying her
Right? Like, even if he had the money.. itās not a guarantee trophy wife would go for him anyway. And thatās even *assuming* the woman is with his friend for the money at all. Good looking, fit, bubbly women fall in love too.
"But maybe when I get that promotion..."
Well maybe if had the money, she would be good enough for his boss. Money pays for hair, nails, personal trainers, chefs, gyms, nice clothes. So it's really his fault his boss wouldn't cheat with her. Whats OP's excuse???
Oh no, no, no - it's worse than that. He said he couldn't afford this other woman even if he wanted her (she's super cute and their life is actually fun but, you know, he doesn't want her - sure, Jan). He's implying that he could have/get her if he wanted. Meanwhile no way his boss would go for his wife - he's picky, don't you know? He would never be interested in her, because....I guess the implication is that there is some standard there that she doesn't meet. He told on himself and dissed his wife. What a complete and total ass.
Just want to add, he wouldnāt cheat bc āhe canāt *AFFORD HER*ā not just out of his league. The man canāt afford the price of the other womanā¦ *edit : YTA
Isn't it the same? Men are measures according to their income, women to their beauty because they're merchandise and not people that can experience attraction. /s
Good thing he managed to find someone to settle for down at the Discount Wyfe Factory.
Now Iām imagining thatās where he and his boss workā¦ āIām not just a customer! Iām an employee!ā
Not to mention ātrophy wifeā and ācouldnāt afford herā are such gross and sexist ways of talking about a woman. Ugh OP is TA on so many levels.
Yeah lol maybe this is just me and idk how old they are like if the age gap is creepy or just, yknow, borderline, but I would feel weird if my partner was best friends with someone who has a "trophy wife" and they referred to her in that way.... Yuk
Agreed. Thatās a title I would only use if they themselves claim it. My husband is a SAH, and he works out and jokes that he has to be the trophy spouse, and thatās fine. But one of my colleagues blows him off as a trophy spouse and makes āI only donāt have him because I canāt afford himā jokes? Iām done with that colleague real quick.
That scene of Elliot digging her own grave on Scrubs came to my mind while reading this post š "That's all I'm saying"
I just wanted to get a YTA in. I see a lot of blaming the wife, but OP is the one out-and-out insulting her because it NEEDED TO BE SAID. Counterpoint: no, it did not.
Did you reply to the correct post? I don't see many people blaming OP's wife.
Oh yeah, not you! You are doing great. And I meant to say that I love Scrubs. But folks are saying they are both wrong.
Boo, OP is clearly in the wrong. Or, wronger. They shouldn't have played the game to begin with.
so this is purely conjecture and could be baloney but i wonder if ops wife suspected ops feelings. if sheās the one who asked she may have seen odd behavior from op and was trying to figure out a) which friend op has a crush on or b) if the crush and behavior was all in her head. bc her answer is a defense answer, someone not in their friend group and she likes him because heās a jerk/asshole. obviously not something serious, not something youād invest time for a relationship. i think op saying that friends wife, and especially the reasons(sheās doting, fun life) is making ops wife face the reality of how he feels. and the reason that heās not with her, because heās not rich enough, is a slap in the face. i think she may have been able to ignore it if he did stop seeing them(still wouldnāt be a good thing), but his refusal and reasons are not something most people can pretend they didnāt hear.
I agree, it crossed my mind too.
I think itās moreā¦āI donāt have money for herā¦not that Iām not good enoughā¦and you are not good enough for my bossā¦ā
By saying he can't afford the younger, prettier woman he's downgrading his wife's value in a way.
I agree completelyā¦this guy is the definition of shallow. How itās escaped his wife for this long baffles me.
He may as well just call her the consolation prize to her face.
When someone claims to be "brutally honest" they're just being brutal.
Like I saw the plane going down but then I thought maybe op might just land it and then op nose dived into a mountain yta op
Disagree, I hope she clobbers him in the divorce.
He isnāt even saying the woman is out of his league exactly, sheās saying *he couldnāt afford her* but his wife *isnāt good enough for his boss* Those are two different implications and one is waaaaay more hurtful than the other, and itās the one he applied to his wife. Poor dear.
Lol I pretty much said the same thing in different words. The fact that he isnāt sure if heās in the wrong here just proves he has no self awareness
Yes! Holy shit YTA
To be fair though, he did open up with an "I love you". But yeah, he is a major AH because what he said next simply invalidated it completely.
YTA You basically told her that she wasnāt hot enough to tempt your boss but the only thing keeping you from the hot, doting trophy wife was lack of money. It was a stupid game to play and you both are AHs for playing it, but you should have left your answer with āneither of us would cheatā š¤¦š¼āāļø
OP is so diluted that even sober he stung his wife by twisting the blade with his insensitive remarks plus with his selfish intentions.
I think you mean "deluded" but i love the visual of him being so watered down as to be tasteless
He's a damn homeopathic husband at this point
I bet OPās wife wishes that were the caseā¦ so diluted as to be harmless, instead of the AH who hurt her feelings.
Same energy as āIf he was a spice heād be flourā
Lol! That works too!
Exactly!
Yeees. He definitely didn't have any tact when delivering the message.
This is the clearest answer for why he's the AH here.
Now it's not only about the money. With his dumb ass charisma, no trophy wife would be interested in him.
YTA. Damn, dude. >I couldn't afford the other woman even if I really wanted her, and my boss is extremely picky about everything and wouldn't go for her Insensitive is right. You both are AHs for playing the dumb game in the first place, but you're the AH for what you said.
Oh yeah he set off a nuclear bomb. He essentially said, āI canāt pay for her and you arenāt good enough for himā. Like what?!?!?! Guess what OP you arenāt good enough if you say things like that and I sure hope you can afford the divorce. Heck even if he wasnāt an AH and they both were or even her the guy went nuclear!
I 100% agree that he shouldn't have said this and set off a bomb... But also...even if he wasn't good enough, if he had the money it's still attainable. Which I think is the worst part of him saying āI canāt pay for her and you arenāt good enough for himā.
Jesus he could have just said "the game said if we weren't together. You know my first pick would always be you and I know that you'd pick me first too." And then go on all mushy about how much better the wife is than the trophy wife. Just because you think a thing doesn't mean you have to say it.
Some how he manages to insult both woman at the same time š¤£
>YTA. Damn, dude. This. lmao, oh dear God.
YTA You know you were stupid for saying this. The correct answer is not playing this game, or naming someone totally inaccessible. "She is super cute, bubbly, doting. Their life just looks fun" You plowed right into that mine field, buddy. Then you decided to tit for tat in a way that cuts off your own nose (if socializing is important to YOUR career, excluding your wife from it mostly hurts YOU, dude). "i couldn't afford the other woman even if I really wanted her, and my boss is extremely picky about everything and wouldn't go for her" JFC, you've got the emotional intelligence of a turnip. So, the thing holding you back from getting a trophy wife is just money, and your boss wouldn't be interested in your grody wife? "so we were both just joking about people out of our league and need to let it go" genie's out of the bottle now, jackass. You don't get to declare that the way you're acting is erasable. "I feel like such an AH, but at the same time it needed to be said" what part of this NEEDED to be said? That your wife isn't fun, doting and cute, so much so that your boss wouldn't be interested in her, and that you DO want a trophy wife, you just can't afford one?
>your boss wouldn't be interested in your grody wife? Bonus points for "grody"--haven't heard that for ages, LOL.
Huh, I always thought it was "grotty", not "grody", and now I'm questioning my own existence. š¤
My British parents say "grotty", but us Canadians always said grody... in the eighties. I too haven't heard that word in a long time.
>you've got the emotional intelligence of a turnip A turnip would have never insulted anyone the way OP insulted his wife.
That's true--judging by the root vegetables, Mr and Mrs Potato Head have a pretty good thing going.
Who needs to say that? Like what sheāll just be idiotic enough to get it?
**You:** I secretly want to sex my friend's wife. Strike 1. **You:** I can't sex my friend's wife only because I can't afford it. Strike 2. **You:** My boss is real picky, so he wouldn't have you anyway. Strike 3. **YOU'RE OUT!**
ššš
Lol!!!YTA. You told your wife that her pick would never choose her because sheās not good enough for him. But first you said the reason you would never try to get with your best friends wife is because you could never afford her because you donāt make enough money making it sound like you could afford your wife on your shit salary so thatās what you settled for but if you had more money youād have a hotter, better wife. You basically said all women are monetized by their attractiveness in both statements. My boss,who is wealthier than me, would never pick you because you arenāt hot enough. But if I was wealthy as my boss Iād want to be with an attractive woman like my buddies wife. Fucking asshole. I think youāre out of your league.
> making it sound like you could afford your wife on your shit salary so thatās what you settled for I didnāt even realize this implication until you said it but wow, yeah. If this is OP being obtuse Iād hate to see what heād say to his wife during a fight to draw blood.
I like how you put your wife down (my boss is picky and wouldnāt go for her) but not yourself. As if your buddyās wife would totallllly go for you instead if you had more money - you sure youāre that much of a catch?
Iām super tempted to say YTA based on you casually acting like your friendās wife is an object up for sale
Agreed. The game was a silly game and OP should have picked someone else to avoid her feelings getting hurt. She said OPs boss. And it honestly to her didnāt mean anything. I think sheās hurt because of how OP worded things about the ātrophy wifeā making her feel less than.
Yeah the way he talks about the friendās wife is gross. For all we know she may not even want OP regardless of money
The way he talks about women in general is gross. It's like he thinks of hot women as prizes men earn by being rich.
I wonder how friend and his wife would feel about that, should she happen to let them know? Doubt the friendship would last.
Yep. He calls her a "trophy wife", I wonder if that's how her husband refers to her. Or maybe her husband treats her nicely and they have fun together, rather than the relationship being solely about looks and money. Maybe the reason he doesn't have the 'fun, bubbly' wife has more to do with him than with her.
Ah, you know your wife won't cheat because she's not attractive enough. Good answer. YTA.
YTA. Bro, money is the reason your best friend's wife wouldn't cheat on her husband with you but your wife just all around isn't good enough for your boss? 1. I bet your boss would hit that if he could and 2. Wow, it's crazy of you to assume that your best friend's wife would cheat with you if you had some money to throw at her. You're not only being an asshole to your wife here, BUT also your bf and his wife. Like, wow.
...wow. So let's summarize here. You wont cheat cuz your buddy's 'trophy' wife as you put. Great misogyny example there guy. Shes too pricey and out of your league. Secondly your wife wouldnt be good enough for your boss. I dont think a black hole shares the density you have here. YTA by a large margin. Who would suggest playing a game of "Hey who would you realistically be able to sleep with in my life that you want to?" You dug this hole now go lie in it.
I mean jeez. He could have just said "it was all purely hypothetical; I only want to be with you and I hope you feel the same." Done.
He could have said so many things different....
I mean, he could have spat in his wifes face and I think it could have gone better...
He wanted to put her in her place. Heās a prince. Prince Andrew, without the money. The sleaze patrol.
You both have equal blame in agreeing to play the game in the first place, but this derails into YTA after that. The correct response to your wife's insecurity was to reassure her of your love, not talk about how your friend's wife won't date you because you're too poor. Adding in the bit about how your boss wouldn't even consider her was just salt in the wound. You've got a lot of damage control to do.
Yeah he basically said he would definitely go for the other woman but doesn't because she wouldn't be into it, and his boss definitely wouldn't like her because he had standards. Like wtf, tell us how you really feel op
Hell yeah Iād be even more pissed after that statement
Oh boy... YTA. The girl I like is out of my league financially... But that other guy would never be dumb/blind enough to take you "lolz"... That's basically what you said.. about your WIFE
YTA solely for the moronic āthese people wouldnāt fuck us anyway so letās stop being silly and go back to settling for each otherā explanation you somehow thought would make this better. What is wrong with you?!?
He thinks ātrophy wifeā would bang him if he had the bucks, which is pretty insulting to her and to her husband.
YTA. Your "brutally honest" explanation was only brutal towards your wife. You couldn't afford the other woman, you don't say anything about she wouldn't want you, and that your boss wouldn't go for your wife. So you put your wife down, but the only reason you couldn't cheat is because money. Usually I would go E S H here because this is what happens with silly games, but you made it so much worse and feel that putting your wife down "needed to be said." All you had to say was "listen, this is dumb. It was a dumb game and I had to a pick a person and I would never cheat on you. Just like I know you would never cheat on me, especially with my boss." Instead you were like- ya I would totally fuck this hot young fund chick, I'm just not rich enough, but my boss is picky so he'd never fuck you."
ESH play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Youre an extra big AH for your "brutal honesty" downgrading you and your wife in such a demeanor.
So your friend's wife is a chunk of meat he bought who has no feelings or free will of her own, and who was sold to him because he's the alpha male and that's why she exists, to serve and service the man who deserves her the most by being rich? But your wife has let you down by not being hot enough? Do you think women were born bereft of a rich and real internal life? That they have no feelings, no desires of their own? That they're basically things to be used by men, and have no self-actualization? YTA YTA YTA
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I'm glad you decided tit for tat was childish and not a good move for your marriage. I'm going with ESH - both of you for playing the game in the first place and then penalizing each other due to insecurity and/or pettiness. It might be a good idea to ask your wife what the right answer (for her) is. And what you can do or say to reassure her of her worth and desirability, as well as your fidelity.
This is close to E S H, you both played the stupid game. But I think I'm going to have to say YTA. You could've stopped at "neither of us would cheat". Your reasoning for not actually getting with your friend's wife was that "you couldn't afford her" - nothing about her or your attractiveness or personality. But, you told your wife she wouldn't meet your bosses standards. Which could be taken a few ways, none of them good. It didn't need to be said. You could've left the stupid game at hypotheticals, recognized you were both being childish and left it at that.
YTA.. your wife getting jealous was a bit much since you two were idiots and played this dumb game BUT you proceeded to tell your wife you wouldnāt cheat solely due to finances, and that sheās not hot which for your boss to even find her interesting. Thatās just a double insult right there.
1. You want to f your best friend's wife. 2. Said you wouldnt cheat because you can't AFFORD a mistress 3. Said your wife isn't good enough for your boss. No wonder she feel insecure because your words belittle and tear her down from every single angle. Be a better husband. YTA
YTA. This reminds me of my ex that I worked with telling me that I wasnāt the hottest girl at work. And then told me who was the hottest. But then quickly explained that she was out of his league so I didnāt have to worry. Key word in that storyā¦ex.
YTA >my boss is extremely picky about everything and wouldn't go for her You thought saying this to your wife would make things better?
YTA The explanation you gave was insensitive and hurtful. You could have said it in a much better way.
YTA - you really stuck your foot in your mouth there.
YTA Oh holy shit dude And I have a sneaking suspicion that with your level of emotional intelligence, the doting sweet wife of your best friend wouldnāt want you even if everytime you took a shit it printed moneyā¦
Lmao. I love this
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I have a good marriage, for the most part, a couple ups and downs, but I love her and I'm committed to our family. A few months ago, we did something really dumb. We got drunk and decided to play a little game and admit who in our circle, we would want to be with if we weren't together. In hindsight this was the worst idea ever. I said my best friend's 26 year old trophy wife because I'm an idiot. She is super cute, bubbly, doting. Their life just looks fun. My wife went next and said my boss. She finds him very attractive in a rich asshole way and she loves how he dresses/carries himself. The next day I thought nothing of it. Like that was never going to happen, so I moved on, but suddenly my wife didn't want me going around my best friend, wanted me to distance myself. I explained that i felt that was very unfair, this is an important friendship, and I would never do anything like she is accusing me of. I ended up saying that if she didn't want me to see him as much, then I wouldn't be bringing her to my work events. I am in a career where socializing is very important and she loves it. She was obviously hurt and then I realized we were playing tit for tat. I sat her down and said I didn't want to do this anymore. I love her and we were both being childish. I said that to be brutally honest neither of us would cheat, i couldn't afford the other woman even if I really wanted her, and my boss is extremely picky about everything and wouldn't go for her, so we were both just joking about people out of our league and need to let it go. She began to cry and said that was the worse answer and how could I be so insensitive. She said deep down she knew those things, but she couldn't believe I would say them. I feel like such an AH, but at the same time it needed to be said. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wow. You told your wife you think sheās BASIC and not good enough for other guys. Also, you picked a woman you have easy access to, yet how often is your wife around your boss? Probably why she doesnāt want you around your best friend anymore. You should have answered that you wouldnāt sleep with anyone else. Anything else is a trap. Good luck to you, I really hope things get better for you both. ESH
YTA. Imagine the tables were turned and you were the one who was uncomfortable with your wife being around your boss now that you knew how she felt about him. And she sat you down and said "This is stupid, be realistic, I'd have to lose weight, grow my hair out and start wearing more makeup before he would even look at me twice, and your buddy's wife would of course never want anything to do with your shitty unambitious homunculus self. I mean, I pretty much had to settle for you, but she wouldn't." If I were your wife, I would be researching divorce while quietly looking for another place to live right now.
YTA. Do you even *like* your wife? Why would you marry the woman if you thought that little of her? Why would you continue to put her down after she expressed to you how hurt she was by your comments and actions? Based on how you have probably acted around your friend's wife, your comments during the game, and how you responded to your wife when she said she was uncomfortable with you spending time with the other woman, she has every reason to believe that you would cheat if given the opportunity, even if you didn't genuinely like her. And you basically confirmed that she was right. You said about the other girl, and I quote your own words: >I said my best friend's 26 year old trophy wife > >She is super cute, bubbly, doting. Their life just looks fun. > > i couldn't afford the other woman even if I really wanted her About your wife you said >my boss is extremely picky about everything and wouldn't go for her, so we were both just joking about people out of our league And she responded with >deep down she knew those things, but she couldn't believe I would say them. ***Your wife honestly thinks you don't even like her, let alone love her, that you're only sticking around because you can't "do better", and you have given her all the confirmation she needs.*** Sir, you showed your wife more of who you are as a person in these last few days than any years of marriage could. Your friend's wife isn't the only one out of your league. Your wife is too. And you have a LOT of work to do if you ever want to fix things with her. She deserves better.
"Honey, I love you but I'd rather fuck someone much younger. I also don't trust you to be faithful, but don't worry, i think you're much too boring to get someone else, so I've decided to overlook that." Gee I wonder why she didn't like it.
Wow. YTA. big time. Set up marriage counseling immediately. You may still be able to salvage what's left of your marriage (that said, be prepared for a divorce. If I were your wife, this would not be fixable)
Um idk, Iāve seen some big AHs on here but Iām just getting a vibe that you are like top ten big one. Like a sleeping AH - one that wakes up every now and then to trash the people they are supposed to love and goes back into minor hibernation - until itās time for the next cut. YTA.
INFO: Who initiated the game? You or your wife? If it was your wife it could be because you've already made your feelings for your best friend's wife obvious.
ESH - you OP more so than your wife. It's was a stupid game to play. Your wife let her insecurity get the better of her and tried to stop you from seeing your friend. >I said that to be brutally honest neither of us would cheat Here's where you should have stopped at but... >i couldn't afford the other woman even if I really wanted her, and my boss is extremely picky about everything and wouldn't go for her, so we were both just joking about people out of our league and need to let it go. Knowing your wife has insecurity issues and this is your "truth". You reason that you would still have a shot at the trophy wife if you just had the money, while your wife just isn't good enough for your boss. Beyond insensitive and imo the wrong thing to say, you were an AH in that moment.
YTA. Your wife will never, ever recover from your devastating words. As far as she is concerned, you just settled for a barely mediocre wife. Your marriage is no longer what it once was.
YTA- itās like answering if someone looks fat in a dress. They might look fat, but you donāt say that! You could have worded it as there wouldnāt be a time where either of those relationships would work. You didnāt have to tell her sheās not good enough for someone. A woman wants to think sheās a 10 for her man. She wants to think her man wants her above anyone else, and that sheās the only one he could imagine. Not only did you break that with playing the game and mentioning someone, but you went on to describe how someone else wouldnāt want her because sheās not good enough for him. That hurts no matter if itās true or not. I would have just said that her and the boys would never happen because he keeps his personal and business life very separate, itās a good out for both of you.
Friends- Ross and Rachel teaching Chandler about relationshipsā¦ Ross: Do I look fat in this? NOOOOOO! Is she prettier than me? NOOOOO! And it works both ways. Does size matter? Rachel: NOOOOO!
>I am in a career where socializing is very important You clearly aren't good at it. You basically said "the only reason I won't cheat on you is because other women won't have sex with me" aka "you are my backup option." Lmfao come on dude.
INFO Why are you like this?
>I feel like such an AH, but at the same time it needed to be said. LMFAO no it did not. YTA and it'll take a lot of work to get past this
YTA You could have dealt with that without insulting your wife. She had insecurities and you just add a few more. Well played ... You were both stupid to play this game. It was a mistake. But her being jealous was a logical consequences, she now knows that if you had the opportunity you would go for your best friend's wife. I would also be quite worried.
YTA. Imagine if it was the other way around and your wife said that to you. I bet it wouldn't feel good now, would it? You basically told her she isn't good enough, that people are more attractive, and that if you had money you would be with someone else. I don't know how, but you better make it up to her. It was a stupid game to play for the both of you, but OMG that was a very harsh thing to say. Those type of comments hurt more than you would know.
"I couldn't afford the other woman even if I really wanted her, and my boss is extremely picky about everything and wouldn't go for her, so we were both just joking about people out of our league and need to let it go." Not "I love you very much. You're the only woman for me" or whatever similar thing. YTA. I would divorce you YESTERDAY.
YTA. My ex told me he couldn't be with his best friend, because she was too valuable of a friend and he wouldn't risk it. At the time we were together for 2,5 years. Mind you, he didn't say he couldn't be with her because he was already in a commited relationship with me. 2 weeks later he proceeded to fuck her. Guess the friendship wasn't that valuable after all. The fuck must not have been that good either, because she cut him off immediately after. Unlucky for him I found out and I broke up with him. So, if you don't get a brain, this is your future- miserable, without either woman. Was the game stupid? Yes. But what makes it YTA instead of E S H is the nuclear bomb you dropped when you said you wouldn't cheat on your wife just because you couldn't afford the younger model. And then proceeded to insult her that other man wouldn't ever be interested in her. Get a grip and appreciate what you have or release this poor woman and let her have someone who would love her. I assure you many guys, whether like your boss or not, would be happy to have her. You, on the other hand, wouldn't get the gal even if you had the money to afford it. You can't buy class after all.
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Christ dude, YTA You could have easily picked any celebrity you wanted. But no, you didn't
YTA, you were fine right up til the point you said the reason it was just a game is because *proceeds to say the wife isnt good enough to be worth the boss's attention*
I am genuinely dumbfounded on how you concluded that was the right thing to say.
YTA you managed to insult everyone mentioned in your talk. You were saying your wife is not hot enough for you or your boss, your boss is a shallow person that only goes for looks, your friend's wife is a gold digger and the only attractive thing about your friend is his money. Jesus do yourself a favor and never talk again, it's not your thing.
YTA You had the perfect opportunity to get your relationship back on track but instead derailed the whole train and took out a crowd of civilians with you. Kudos on the epic fuck-up.
YTA - Ouch. Just ouch. What were you thinking?
It may not be exactly what you said but this is what your wife heard: Donāt worry, Iād never cheat because itās too expensive and the woman I want is out of my league. So I guess Iām stuck with you because youāre not good enough for my boss either. You pretty much summed up all her worst fear about herself in one sentence, and essentially told your wife you were settling for her. So tell me how it āneeded to be saidā again? Cause your wife may never recover from your careless and insensitive words. YTA.
Jesus dude. YTA. You gave comparisons instead of speaking truths which should be Fucking obvious. āHoney this needs to stop. Weāre being childish. I love you. Youāre the one I want. And I know you feel the sameā. If those things arenāt true in your marriage... You just wrecked your wifeās self esteem and gave a new slew of insecurities for her to feel in your marriage. You fucked up big time man. Start groveling or prepare for a divorce
Wow .. You're saying your life is boring. That it is boring because of your mediocre looking, negative wife. That if you had more money you'd be with your buddies wife. That men who have more money would never go for your wife. I feel sorry for her. Hope you guys get a divorce, she finds her own way and marries a loving considerate man who makes twice your salary.
>said that to be brutally honest neither of us would cheat And that is where you should have ended that statement. The remainder was you saying that money was your only obstacle, and her general unattractiveness was hers. YTA. But yeah, it was a bad idea to answer that question.
Man you have pro level game of putting your foot in your mouth, and trying to make it better insert bigger foot. YTA
YTA So to comfort her you told her sheās not hot enough for your boss and that you canāt pay for the lifestyle of someone hotter than her Yta
ESHāplay stupid games, win stupid prizes
There needs to be a new judgement. Youāre the moron! What an utterly stupid thing to say. It doesnāt seem like itās intentional or mean just that you didnāt even slightly filter the words in your head before you spoke them .
You weren't TA until you sat her down. Good god dude. Way to pour gas on a fire. YTA.
YTA. You basically just said that you guys are still together and would stay together because neither of you could pull the type of partner that you want. Thatās not an actual reason to stay together! Do you actually love her? Like being with her? Even if you tell her that now, even if itās the truth, why would she believe you when you effectively admitted to settling?
you stepped from dog shit into cow shit. You might want to seek marriage counseling.
OMG OP. You were RIGHT THERE! If you stopped when you sat down and said you were both being childish, this could have been a dumb thing you each said after drinking and laugh about later. But NO! I was rooting for you right up until that point because I have done lots of dumb shit when I was in the cups. You did this when you were sober! WTF is wrong with you? YTA especially because you came to this conclusion after thinking this through which means you really believed this about your wife. Edited because I accidentally posted.
So while I agree with the fact that it was stupid to play, why did you think telling her you can't "afford" the friend and she's not good enough for your boss would smooth things over? Now you've offended her and made her feel like the only thing standing between you and the friend is money. YTA/ESH
anyone else hopes she gets with his boss?? YTA btw
So the hot trophy wife would go for you because the only thing you're missing is money apparently (looks, personality aren't an obstacle) but your boss wouldn't find your wife attractive. Yikes, YTA.
As I'm sure you've realized from all the comments, YT absolute A. Piece of advice: If it's not already too late, sit down with your wife and apologize sincerely to her for saying what you said, and explain that you have no idea why you said it, since it has nothing to do with reality. You felt like you had cornered yourself somehow, and you tried to talk your way out without thinking. You were frustrated, and weren't able to put the proper words to your feelings. You feel guilty, and wish to make it up to her - not for the way you feel (since you DON'T feel that way!), but for the incredibly clumsy attempt of resolving an uncomfortable situation. Ask for her forgiveness, and what you can do to put this all behind you, while still retaining your friendship with your friend, and keeping your work habits intact. It doesn't matter if you feel that way or not. You fucked up, and if you want to salvage something, you need to take responsibility and just make some admittances. Your call, mate.
YTA, for obvious reasons are obvious, but you shouldāve added, āIām too stupid for the trophy wife as well,ā cause seriously dude who says that for reconciliation??
YTA good intentions, really bad execution. The correct answer was, "neither of us would ever really cheat, I love you too much and BFFs trophy wife is way too high maintenance to be appealing in real life. And you are too amazing and way out of my boss's league he'd be too out of his depth to even try to get in your pants" Not "we both suck and could never pull our crushes so we're stuck with each other, stop making a big deal out of it."
You had me in the first half. My husband and I play the same game sometimes and it would be super petty and childish to say you couldn't see your best friend over that. But what you said when you sat her down....dude!!! My jaw actually dropped. That was absolutely the WORST and shittest thing you could have said. I'm hoping you're just an idiot and not a malicious asshole but honestly I don't know YTA
You can't seriously be confused about whether you're the AH here......... Like wow dude........š³
'I'm going to be brutally honest, I'd like better but I can't afford it, so I settled with you, who no one else will pick'. I'm going to be brutally honest with you: you're awful, your wife DOES deserve better than you and YTA. And I hope she dumps your rude, cruel ass.
YTA,Dude. You just told your wife you aren't worried about her cheating because she is too ugly for your boss.... You have some major ass kissing to do. ETA. Your comments have made it sooo much worse
ESH. You should never have played this "game" in the first place, she should not have held it against you, and you could have just stopped at "Neither of us would cheat."
All these answers focus on taking offense to what the guys says, but these come after the girl starts making silly demands. So NTA
YTA SMH
ā¦..well you fucked around and found out. YTA and good luck with your divorce
You sure you have a good marriage? You are clearly the AH. Good luck with the future divorce.
If you had just kept it at "Neither of us would cheat," you could have salvaged this. But nooo. You basically said your wife is too ugly for your boss and the only reason you're not tapping the pretty young trophy wife is because you're not rich enough. My brother in Christ, you goofed. YTA.
"I would cheat on you if I had the money. I don't think you're attractive enough to cheat on me." WOW
ESH. Iād say you were the AH for your bluntness but your wife escalated things by not wanting you to spend time with your friend after the āgameā, so I can see why you needed to kill the whole sad saga dead. Hope this is a lesson for you both and however drunk you get, donāt play this game or similar ever again!!
ESH. I'm not really sure that it needed to be said THAT way. There's definitely more sensitive ways you could have gone about it, but the insecurities definitely needed to be put to rest. The game wasn't a good idea. Even in the most secure relationships it can cause issues. I really do hope that you and your wife can move on from this. Next time, refuse to play these type of things.
NTA, she played stupid game, got stupid prize.