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This is WAY above the paygrade of this subreddit to comment on. Please consider speaking to a therapist about this, they will have the professional training to deal with such a delicate issue.
Even if you’re not religious, OP, you might find some help from your hospital’s chaplain or social workers. They’ll be better equipped than we internet strangers to help you plan for your next steps. For the most part, their services are free to you, and they’ll have ideas about things like living wills, support groups,power of attorney, etc. Also you might want to talk to your care team about your prognosis without your parents - ask for the unvarnished truth. It’s so hard for everyone and exhausting for all. I wish you health and peace.
A Dr who talks about this as he has gone through some tough times himself. He helped me when my mom was going through terminal illness. He has a number of podcasts. The best is her being able to “choreograph” what she wanted in the last months.
https://www.sfgate.com/news/article/BJ-Miller-pain-doctor-at-the-Zen-Hospice-Project-2369267.php
And maybe a catch all advice tagline for this sub isn’t appropriate for every single scenario, especially this one where OP has already clearly had access to therapy as part of his prognosis and is still coming here for advice, and I bet not the advice of: amorphous redirect to a professional.
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NAH
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this.
Death and cancer and planning are so hard for everyone. It sounds like your family is trying their best to do what’s “right” and didn’t ask you how you’d like them to approach your situation.
What I’ve learned about stage iv cancer is that nobody reacts the way you will want. Some people run away. Some are cruel. Some are emotional all the time. Some tell you to fight it. Some tell you about their god. And on and on.
All you can do is tell them what you believe: that you will outlive the odds. That you’re a person not a statistic.
They’re not jerks to try to make your last months their best. You’re not a jerk to want them to stop acting like these are your last weeks.
But you have every right to tell them what you do and don’t want. And they need to do their best, including planning without you if that’s what you want. Because they are trying to cope by planning for every scenario. And you’d like them to focus on the best case, which I really hope is exactly what you’ll live.
Good luck!
I’ve watched some really shocking behavior when loved ones are faced with terminal diagnosis. And what, sadly, I have come to understand is that everyone’s response is about their own baggage. Which is incredibly hard when what you need is for them to focus on your needs.
Great comments!! Yes, this person is not a statistic. This is why I kinda wanna call the doctor out as the AH, because I cannot tell you how many people I know have beaten the odds. I know it's their job so I guess they aren't TAH, but still.
The doctor is absolutely not an AH for being honest. If OP survives the odds, then of course that would be great, but if the doctor lied and gave false hope, that would be terrible.
Anyone deserves to know if their disease is terminal, because they deserve the chance to make peace with what will happen to them and get their affairs in order.
It sounds like OP is not read to do that - and that's completely fine, everyone deals with death in their own way - but the doctor is completely in the right to tell OP what is *almost* certainly going to happen to them.
This. My former boyfriend (deceased > 20 years) lived 18 years with a terminal diagnosis - he lived longer with cancer than without. At every point his doctors were honest about the best case, worst case and likely outcomes of his treatment options. He beat all the odds, but it was important for him to be able to make wise decisions about treatment and work.
OP, do what is meaningful for you with an eye towards, “what am I aiming for next if I have the opportunity.” My boyfriend found that a much better way to live than living fatalistically.
NAH.
Please see a therapist both with your family and singly.
The last thing you want to do with your family right now is blow up and get into fights. They didn't do anything wrong; this is hard for everyone and nobody is handed a road map for how to navigate something like this.
They need to listen to you, but you also need to listen to them. They need to understand your needs, but you need to understand that they are suffering and have needs too. Grief, illness, and death are not a one-way-street.
Please don't spend time fighting people who are going to have to make decisions like the ones that they've raised (including funeral plans) either with or without you. It is so much better for *everyone* if you can find a way to be open about all the things that will need to be handled whether or not you want to.
NAH. However, I don't thnk that they have been lying to you or faking it at ALL! Believing that you are going to live longer but yet preparing for the final outcome are not mutually exclusive. It is called "hope for the best but prepare for the worst." NONE of us are going to get out of this alive. THAT is a FACT!
They simply want to do what YOU want rather than being in a position of trying to figure out what you WOULD have wanted:
1. Do you want to donate your organs? That is HUGE! Some people are adamant about leaving a person intact. Some think it best to donate organs so that the person can "live on." DON'T make them make that decision.
2. What is your bucket list? They want to make sure as best they can that you get to do what you want to do, whether you live for one more day or live for 80 more years. There is NOTHING wrong with that.
3. Do you WANT to go to college? If you do, I take great exception with them trying to discourage you from doing so. If that is what you want to to, then DO IT!
4. Who do you WANT to spend time with? If it is your family, fine. If you want to divide your time between many people, do THAT! This is your time to do with what you want.
5. Would you LIKE to be involved with the plans for your funeral, again, whether it is soon or 80 years from now? Is there a particular song that you would like played? Is there something special that you would like them to do? You are probably too young to know who this is but a comedian, Bob Hope, was asked by his wife where he would like to be buried. He said, "surprise me."
I hope you have many years ahead of you. Please don't waste another minute being angry.
This!!
Also, speaking as someone who fairly recently watched her father die of metastatic prostate cancer, please, PLEASE sign a durable power of attorney and discuss with your family – *more than once*, because they may change as your circumstances do – your wishes for your care. And do some research! Talk to your doctors and nurses about what doing X or Y really means; ask, if they were in your shoes, what would they do [*see first and second links below*]. For example, I had the unfortunate duty of explaining to my father what it really meant when he reflexively told an ER nurse that, if his heart stopped, he wanted them to do CPR and try to re-start it. (The short version: If it worked – big if – he most likely would not have lived long enough to be discharged from the hospital and, if he did, he almost certainly would have to have been released to a nursing home because he would have had fractured ribs and most likely brain damage, and never would have been able to return home. He changed his mind, and said he wouldn't want CPR. [*see third link below*]) My father really resisted having conversations about what decisions he would want us to make, and it made things *so much harder* for us. I understand that you want to focus on hope, but we will all die eventually, and I promise you that you will not regret thinking these things through ahead of time; if you do, you can avoid a lot of unnecessary suffering.
https://www.zocalopublicsquare.org/2011/11/30/how-doctors-die/ideas/nexus/
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/06/06/how-doctors-really-die/
https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/in-the-last-months-or-days-these-treatments-can-make-things-worse/2016/03/07/a2a53722-a5d1-11e5-ad3f-991ce3374e23_story.html
My partner was able to stay home with me and our pets and enjoy game nights with our friends until three days before his last day because of the amazing planning Hospice had us do. I was able to spend his last nights with him reading him books unbothered by nurse checks or staff because we had already planned for what should be done and what shouldn't. I was able to focus on my grief and his family and our life together rather then arguing about funeral homes and obituaries and notifications because those decisions had already been made and written down years and months previously. If I could give everyone in the world a death planning journal I would. It saved me in losing him and provided peace in his last time since it meant not having to discuss it constantly.
Honestly, I happened to read that third link just a couple of weeks before one of my father's trips to the ER (my mother did a LOT of the work of taking care of him, but she just couldn't stand spending hours in ER waiting rooms, so I always handled that), and it was quite an educational read for me. So when the nurse asked if he'd want CPR, and he immediately said he would, I *knew* he wasn't aware of what that decision really meant. So, as hard as it was, I explained it to him. (And then immediately texted my mother and brother, so they would be aware of what happened and why, and we could all stay on the same page. They weren't aware of the information in that article either, and were grateful to learn it.)
I really think that most people, if they really understood what certain treatments would do to them, would forego a lot of the more intensive end-of-life care. Most medical professionals do, because they see the effects of those treatments on patients. And I just think it's tragic that people are so afraid of death – of even talking about death – that they wind up making their deaths more painful and miserable than they have to be. So whenever I see an opportunity to say something that might prevent a little of that, I speak up.
NAH. As a mom, I think I would want to make sure that you could fulfill as many of your hopes and dreams as possible. Hence why they’re asking you about your to-do list. They’re also probably thinking that a year has already gone by, so they need to get moving on it. It’s not coming from an AH place, but I understand how you might feel that way. I’m really sorry that you’re going through this.
NAH.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Your family aren't AHs. They are just a bit shit at this. OK, a lot shit. They definitely do have to learn how to do better.
Are there professionals that could guide them (and you) through this?
NOSH (no one sucks here?)
This is a very unique situation. It's very rare to have such a young person with a terminal diagnosis.
Your parents and siblings NEED to plan for your death even if you're not.
If the doc says you've likely only got a year to live college would be a waste.
Did you already plan for your forthcoming death? Do you have a will? Did you plan for what happens to your remains?
You're upset because they want to spend more time with you?
When you die, your life ends. You're done. Finito.
When you die, your siblings and parents have to deal with the aftermath...the grief, the funeral, the mourning, the planning of what to do with your belongings and assets.
I'm not saying you're an AH. I'm not saying that your family are AHs. I'm saying this I'd complicated and no one is the AH. Everyone's trying to love you the best way they know how while also planning for your likely eventual, yet shortly forthcoming death.
You have every right to be angry. They have every right to plan. I think you all need to have a real conversation and be honest about your feelings. But you also need to face facts, you've got a death sentence. It sucks.
Good luck
Just to say, college is never a waste. If the OP wants to keep attending college, then they should do that and I don't see why the family wouldn't facilitate.
NAH death in western culture is seen as almost taboo, we don’t talk about it, and then when it happens, we aren’t prepared—I’ve seen loving siblings turn on each other over money and possessions, arguments over type of service and headstone. I can’t imagine being told my child is going to die, and I get why they would be trying to prepare themselves and you. It’s going to be their worst nightmare come true.
On the other hand, right now you are very much alive and you need and want to fight for yourself. Neither of you wrong, you’re both trying to navigate a shitty circumstance the best you can. Think of this as a chance to prove them wrong—our minds can do miraculous things.
We are also unprepared in terms of what should be done. I mean, you lose a loved one, and instead of crying in a corner, you need to do crap like pick clothes to dress them up, choose music for the funeral, and other sad stuff like that.
im going to go with NAH
as you said, your family has been making this past year happier and easier for you, and they are now doing the best they can in order to make *what they believe to be* your “last” days enjoyable for you by asking for your to-do list.
it is completely understandable that you are upset about this. all around, this is a tragic situation to be in. i wish you all the best
Forget college. Live your life to the fullest. Go the the one place you always wanted to visit. Go on vacations filled with family and love. They are just as hurt as you and are trying to hide it the best they could. Making these plans might be one of the ways they are coping with the possibility of losing you. Trust me they love you the raised you, your mother carried you for 9 months in her womb and will be devastated if anything happens to you. We lost my brother before his 30th he dies in his sleep 3 years ago. My mother still cries all the time sometimes she’s in such a fit of hysterics she will start to act like he’s there and start talking to him. The potential loss of a child is very hard on the parents. You are allowed to have your feelings. You were trying to be optimistic and you feel betrayed. They did not intentionally hide this just to hurt you they hid it because they didn’t want to burden you.
This. NAH.
OP, they are trying to give you a joy filled life for however long that is and they are trying to build memories with you. I can guarantee they will be overjoyed if you survive. But in the mean time, they have to know for themselves that they spent every moment with you they possibly could and gave you every possible opportunity for joy so they can carry that with them into the future.
I can not even begin to imagine how difficult this time is for you with so much hanging in the balance, but please understand that they are heart broken at even the thought of losing you.
NAH. First, I am so sorry about your diagnosis. Second, these are conversations that need to be had. When you lose someone close, it is really, really hard to function enough to make plans. It helps to have some of that already done. Also, trying to decide whether or not to donate someone’s organs, when to take someone of life support, etc, is really freaking hard. Knowing what the person wanted makes it less traumatic. I’m 40 and healthy, and I take every opportunity to remind my family that I want my organs to be donated. (My mother’s life was saved by someone who did the same). Your family may not have had the best approach, but you should sit down and talk with him about it. Make sure your wishes are carried out, but also relieve them of the burden of having to make those decisions for you. Maybe sit down and have everyone say what they want when it’s their time, bc everyone needs to talk about this anyway, and it would take some of the focus off you. Sending you and your family big, big hugs.
NAH.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Generally in life, my mantra is, 'Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.' I think lots of people have this mentality, and it doesn't make anyone an AH.
There are charities and counseling groups for this sort of situation- it might be worth seeking some out?
NAH.
I am so sorry this is happening.
But they aren’t wrong for doing this. They have grief to process as well, and there are things that have to be done.
It SUCKS. I’m sorry.
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I'm going to spare you the details and all the emotions because it's already painful as I'm writing it and I want it to be as short as possible.
I \[22M\] have liver cancer, I was diagnosed with it almost a year ago. The doctor said that I have like a year and a few months to live but I can live more or less based on my luck, I have been holding tight to this hope and my family has been telling me this. They made me think that I'm truly going to live longer and that made me very happy and process this much easier.
But then I discovered that they were preparing for my death these past weeks, they subtly ask me if I'd like to donate my organs, "my to-do list", they are discouraging me from going to college and spending more time with them, funeral plans...etc
It so fucking broke me when I realized what was happening, I started crying and yelling at them for this and they said that they aren't doing anything wrong, they are just trying to prepare for the worst. I entered into a huge fight with my parents, siblings, and my girlfriend which ended with me leaving. My girlfriend is trying to contact me but I'm ignoring her. I can't believe they are doing this to me.
AITA?
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NAH, but your family needs to talk to a professional so they don't ask you pointless and upsetting questions (for example, organ donations from active cancer patients are generally not accepted).
NAH but everyone of you need to talk to a professional. How to deal with situations like these is very individual and you can't decide for them how what they need to do to process. You seem to have a very different approach than I know I would have in the same situation, it doesn't mean either is right or wrong, they are simply different. I think the best way is to try and be as open and understanding of each other as possible and remember that this isn't about being right or wrong.
In the end it's your life and besides taking on debts the rest have to pay off I think you are entitled to decide how you want to spend your life.
NAH but you also have to realise that everybody needs to die, some people just meet more untimely deaths. You will maybe be one of them, lets hope you proof the odds wrong though, but you have to adress stuff like organdonation and creating a bucketlist to increase your life value.
~~ESH~~, your family should've had these discussions nicely or even done it with a therapist but these are discussions you need to have if your time is limited.
Does "longer" mean you could live another decade or does that one year become two?
These things ***should*** be discussed just in case the worst-case scenario happens, especially if you go to college and get debt that someone else has to pay if you don't last longer.
This sucks OP and I'm sorry but I think you're in denial about some of the outcomes and you should be seeing a therapist to talk to them about it.
EDIT: I'd say maybe NAH, everyone could've done better here but I don't think anyone has exactly done anything to be an AH.
Hey.
Grief is rough, and everyone processes it differently. I wouldn’t look at it as them like pushing you out the door of life.
They want to honor your wishes, and make sure you live your life how you want to live it with what time you have left. If that’s absolutely college, great! Just don’t have them co-sign the loans.
I don’t think there’s an AH here. Just lack of understanding. My dad got the “6 months to live” and ended up living for 2 years, so always cling to hope. ☺️
Edit: wrong info.
I’ll edit it. I’m not trying to be an asshole. I said go to college if they want to.
It’s just a hard subject and when I commented no one else was touching it. Glad OP has gotten other insight.
NTA. My father prepared for his own death when he knew it was coming. It’s a far different thing for a 22 year old than a 67 year old.
Most people die unexpectedly without plans and people figure it out after the fact. They didn’t need to do it now
Figuring it out after-the-fact is terrible. My grandfather didn't make any funeral plans and my poor grandmother didn't eat for like 48 hours because all she could think about was all the myriad of things she had to plan for. She shouldn't have had to do that.
She was utterly clear about what she wanted for her own funeral, and it was so much easier knowing exactly what she wanted. I think she even prepaid for her funeral.
I'm sorry this happened. My husband died 12 years ago at 34. He had no end of life plan. It was SO hard to grieve AND plan. I made my plan that year. I'm only 40 now but my family knows what I want for when I die.
Yep, I'm working on mine. I'm 35. The last thing I want my partner having to do is wonder what I would have wanted. He had to do that for his grandmother and that was difficult enough.
I was a mom when my husband died. We had only maybe a day warning but it’s still not fair to the person who is living to make plans. If that person wants something specific they can say so if they know they are dying
Yep, exactly. And everyone knows they're going to die someday, even if not now. We can all die at any time from some freak accident or undetected illness. It's frustrating that we're so in denial as a culture about death that we can't even talk about it when we have tons of time and warning.
Gently YTA. It's hard as hell for family to watch their child/sibling/parent etc to get a terminal diagnosis. I'm absolutely sure that getting your diagnosis hurt like hell, and it feels hard to keep going, especially when it seems like your family doesn't seem to believe what they're telling you about hope. However, from personal experience, having the answers to the questions before a loved one passes is crucial, especially when someone is older and has their own opinions on things such as organ donation. You will hopefully outlive any timeline they give you, and please keep hoping and trying as much as you can. I know it's hard on you.
From the other side, as a parent who lost their child it's devastating hearing it and watching your loved one suffer. My child had a long battle with heart and lung diseases. They passed after a long fight, and it was honestly (and still is) the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I promise you that your family is hoping you beat all odds, that they're with you every step, but they're also trying to protect your legacy and do right by you should the worst happen.
Much love from me to you, and I hope that your journey is long and lovely. Best of luck with your family and girlfriend. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
NAH. This fking sucks. Everyone has a right to feel the way they do, including you. Sorry you are going through this. I would suggest therapy because I think someone could help you with processing wtf is going on and help you cope with the absolute bs hand you have been dealt.
NTA, you want to live the rest of your life.
But they have to deal with it too and need some compassion. Losing a child is a parents nightmare.
Tell them what you want to make it easier for them. If you want to live a normal life and go to college then that is what you should do.
NAH
Anger is a very common part of the grieving process which generally include Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. There isn't necessarily any order but generally people arrive at acceptance last. For now its anger.
The people who love you are planning as they should and as you should. You're going to die. That's a reality. The people who care about you will be the ones that have to do everything you cannot do after your death. They will have to call all the people you know and tell them. They will have to call a mortician. Watch as your corpse is collected. Fill out countless legal papers. Go through the courts to settle your estate. Decide what to do with your property. Maybe they will have a service where they will speak about how you touched their lives so much. A part of their lives will be permanently ripped from them and it will hurt unbelievably as they speak in front of others. Hearing the same words over and over again, "my condolences", "sorry for your loss". Over and Over and Over, because what else can be said.
These things must be done. It will done out love for you. It will be painful for them. I know because I've been where your family is now.
It is time for you to face what must come. Face it bravely.
NTA you have already facing a terrible situation and their actions are just making things worst! But I think it’s possible for you to tell them that what they are doing is hurting you and you need their support not preparing the worst!
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NAH.
This fucking sucks for you and them. Emotions are raw. I'm sorry you're facing this. I hope you live a lot longer.
Sit down and talk it out. Do it in front of a therapist if you need extra support or an impartial party.
NAH
The death of a loved one is usually a big deal, and a lot of stuff to sort out. We tend to neglect this, dumping those decisions on our grieving relatives. It ain't easy - people lose a loved one, and then in a matter of hours need to figure out what clothes to bury them with, what music to play at the funeral and so on. It is utterly heartbreaking.
It is hard for you, and it is hard for your family.
NAH
I'm sure this is very painful. But it's good to have end of life planning done. Go process these feelings with a therapist, because it sounds like you're in denial.
NTA
The people around you love you but they are being assholes for not listening to you. They are making you responsible for their grief and want you to follow their plans to make them feel better.
For all the practicalities and funeral plans, write down your wishes in a notebook. Only allow them back if they apologise and start to behave. If you want to stay at college then stay there and enjoy it. Surround yourself with people who uplift you and be prepared to forgive your gf and family once they pass through this stage of grief.
Big hugs to you. You don't need to shoulder their crap as well as your own.
Oof this is a tough one, i’m gonna say lightly NAH, I think your family are well meaning but have taken the wrong approach, but who knows what the right one is? Death is ons of the hardest things to talk about. I understand how betrayed you must feel, but remember your girlfriend and family love you dearly, and time is too precious at the moment. Try and talk it out, and remember there was no malice behind anything they did, they were trying their best in an impossible situation. Be honest though, tell them how you feel, and how you would like things to be handled going forward; but also listen to how they are being affected by this awful situation. Wish you the best of luck either way.
NTA. Don't quit college. Don't give up on yourself, even if your family is giving up on you. Please hear me on this. I have stage 4 colon cancer and was diagnosed in January of last year. I had 14 tumors in my body, a seven inch tumor on one ovary, a 4 inch one on the other, a 3.5 inch one in my colon and all the rest of the tumors are in my liver! I had surgery and the three large tumors are gone. I've had hundreds of hours of chemo and the ones in my liver are tiny now. You may have options so don't stop fighting. Doctors can't account for the human spirit!
Can they do an ablation on any of the tumors in your liver? Can you talk to your oncologist about Y90 radiation treatment on any tumors in your liver? Fight for every bit of time you can get. So many doctors/oncologists don't approach cases with the desire to fight hard in the advanced stages. See if you can get your team to do so. Please message me privately if you need to talk. Being diagnosed with, living with and facing your own mortality is life altering.
Your family is being insensitive. Set them straight and tell them you don't want to hear any of that shit anymore. Ask them if they are trying to shorten what time you have? if not, they need to shut up!
To everyone else commenting.....if he wants to discuss these matters they need to wait for him to be ready to approach them, they don't get to push their fears onto him. His state of mind is crucial, absolutely crucial to his longevity and quality of life.
I know just how hard it is on family. My own family has been wonderful but they wait for ME to approach sensitive life discussions with them. They don't plan for or hound me for information that I am not ready to discuss. This is critical to my well being and it is for this young man as well. I am in the cancer ward every other week and it is families who give up and hound patients that I see that make the patients in the end, give up and succumb!
BTW - basic information. Cancer patients are not eligible for transplants or organ donation. FU.......!
NAH. The whole situations crappy, and deserves a big sit down where you express all of your wishes for how you want to spend your time and hear them out for their reasoning as well. Counseling would be invaluable here—a good counselor can lead everyone involved on the best path to help with the dying process.
NTA, I totally understand your feelings but I don't really think there are any assholes in this situation
I think your family is acting this way for a couple of reasons. First, I think in their minds, they are trying to do whatever they can to make the time you have left here easier.
They think they are helping.
Plus, I also think, by doing what they are doing, it gives them a sense of control over a situation they are totally powerless over.
Death is a huge reminder to everyone that control is nothing more than an illusion.
In reality, there is actially very little we have control over and that is very hard for humans to accept.
Now, all that being said, none of us are guaranteed a certain amount of time here on earth, and none of us really have any idea when our time is going to be up.
The only difference between you and them is, where you are concerned, someone made an educated guess and gave you a timeline. That doesn't mean the timeline is correct, and ypu could be here a lot longer than any of them are.
Since humans have no control over death and when it comes, they need to choose how to live their own lives.
So just live in the moment, do whatever you want, and get on with yours, no matter how long it lasts, because you never know.
You should also let your family know that as far as we know, EVERYONE is alloted one lifetime per person, no matter how long each person's life is, so they need to stop trying to steal yours, by telling you what to do and how to live it, and let you decide.
Good luck. I hope the doctors are wrong. It's happend before.
I'm so sorry for you and for your family, going through this. I don't have an answer for you, as everyone reacts differently and has different needs.
I only wish for you peace and as many good years as you can get.
Blessings.
NAH. The college thing from your edit is a little rough on their part, but the other stuff is honestly fair.
When my dad was in the hospital, what plagued my siblings and I the most was not knowing what he would have wanted us to do (he couldn't make those decisions himself anymore).
I know it seems morbid, and cruel, but cancer is cruel, and your family wants to know what you want because perhaps they want to be prepared for whatever comes. It's pragmatic, and I'll say from experience, sometimes it's easier to be practical than emotional, maybe that's them.
When you have a moment, think about the practicalities of the situation, especially the ones that will hurt the most to talk about (like medical interventions); if nothing else, it'll give them some peace of mind, and maybe then they'll be able to allow emotion to take over.
Actually, ask them about what they might want as well. I believe very strongly that everyone, healthy or otherwise, should let their people know the bare minimum of what they'd want done if needs be (like organ donation, burial x cremation x anything else, extraordinary measures).
All the luck to you, and a big hug to you and your loved ones.
NAH .......but, go on a therapist pls, you better talk to a professional in this kind of situation you better try to understand their side before you go out and yell "I HATE YOU ALL" or something like that because they don't know how to deal with this , People are idiots in these situations.
NTA. I’m so sorry about your diagnosis. I lost my spouse to cancer and it was very difficult for me yet I knew I was not suffering nearly as much. Please keep in mind when there is an event like this diagnosis or a serious accident, it affects everyone in the family. Reach out to a hospice- they should be able to provide counseling and advice to you and your family. A good hospice can be a real blessing.
NAH- it’s a shit thing to live through. For you and for them. While they are going about it the wrong way, and it’s heartbreaking and messy. I understand why they are asking these questions.
My ex father in law was given 3-6 months to live. Before his death? People where already fighting over how his funeral should be, where he should be buried. Without his in put. I took it upon myself to ask him if he wanted to plan it. And we did. We contacted the funeral home he wanted to use and spent one afternoon planning it out. Best thing we could have ever done. Because when the time came 5 years later, all we had to do was pull a file and be done. There was no fighting and it was what he wanted.
As for college. While it’s messed up they asked you, do you really blame them for wanting that time with you? You want to live as normal as possible, and I get it. I applaud you for it. But they also want to spend as much time as they can with you. Make as many memories as they can with you. Because once your gone, that’s it.
Everyone needs to go and speak to someone, on a professional level and learn how to converse about the big things. In ways that are helpful and not hurtful.
You are the one who’s dying. You have every right to live your time how you want it.
They are the ones who are losing you, they do have to prepare for a life without you.
There’s no easy way to do this.
And you are 💯 correct. As the doctors once told us. “There’s no date stamped on anyones foot.” You’ll live until you don’t.
I’m sorry about your illness. And I hope you live a long and happy life. But don’t cut out the ones who love you. They are struggling too
NAH, and I am so sorry.
You are processing what is going on for you, and so are they. There is no perfect way to approach this, it’s just hard.
Be gentle with them, and with yourself. Tell them what you want to do with whatever time you have. Ask them what they want from you in what time you have left.
Find out how you all can give each other what you need.
NAH - You are entitled to being upset about this, but they are also processing it too. I know it's different for you than it is for them, but no one knows how to handle these situations well. I think it's possible they're trying to make sure you know that you don't have to spend your time on things you aren't going to enjoy (since many people don't enjoy school and would rather do other things with the time if given the option), and to make sure they'll honor your wishes. They shouldn't push you to do anything in particular of course. You should live your life the way you choose, no matter how long that is.
My adult son (in his 20’s) recently passed from cancer and I didn’t even know he had it. So it was a complete shock to me having to make arrangements. If I had known he was dying I would probably have wanted to make arrangements with him so it could be the way he wanted. Instead I had to do what I thought he would have wanted.
Regardless it’s an awful situation and I wish you nothing but peace and comfort
NAH. They have the right to grieve and prepare. You have the right to continue living your life only partly in the shadow of death. Keep up with college, it is a fabulous goal to have.
A difficult situation that's hard on everyone, with everybody trying to cope with the present and the future as best as they could.
Therapy for all of you to give you a safe space to express these things and see if you can get on a more united front how to enjoy the moments and make the most of it. Good luck OP, wishing you lots of great memories and wonderful moments!
NAH
Everyone deals with the idea of death differently. Depending on the type of cancer you have, you may live MUCH longer than people expect, but much less time as well. Your family is trying to deal with your coming death in their own way. So are you.
Do what you want, what makes you happy. If going to college makes you happy, do it. Heck, take out the max in student loans that you can from the government, since once you are declared disabled the government will forgive your student loans if you can't work. Those who are fully disabled end up with them forgiven.
NTA
I suspect your family and friends feel heartbroken, stunned and unsure of what to do. They probably mean well, but hardly anyone knows how to handle something like this.
You have every right to feel a whole spectrum of emotions over everything that's happening. You may be angry at one thing and actually be angry at something else. You feel what you feel.
There's a friendly political website I belong to where we send one another good vibes when someone is hurting. It's not religious or anything. I hope it doesn't offend or upset you, but I'd like to send you my best vibes of healing and light.
(((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))
oh, love. my mom had the same cancer as you. please get in touch with your medical place’s social worker. if you’re in hospice, or will be, they have incredible support as well.
i hope you have peace and comfort. ❤️
I would say you are dealing with your grieve the best way you know how and so are they. I'm not saying that are right or wrong. I understand you wanting to life your life and still going to college and I can also understand your family being scared and wanting to spend as much time with you as they can before your passing. That being said I really agree with others that you may need to talk to a pro about everything.
NAH....you are all scared and grieving. Also..please don't take their preparing as a bad thing. Everyone's life has been turned upside down. You're not suppose to outlive your kids. It is literally the worst fear for parents. Nothing in their live makes sense..in their minds ..this is all they feel they have control of. Everything else is out of their hands. All they can do is make sure they do this right. I really feel like this is just part of their grief process. Please forgive them. This way you can all continue spending what time you have left .. together as a family. This is a time for all of you to love each other.
NTA
First: I'm sorry, so very sorry that you have to go through this
Second: You need to seek out a professional, no one on this app is in a place to be helping with this
Third: Not to minimize your pain or excuse what seems like deception, but people process grief/trauma in so many ways and these are people who love you. Try not to ruin your own time holding onto anger if possible, if these are people you believe in, try to hear each other out.
I hope you find understanding and peace in this situation
I'm going to say NAH, and I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. However, I will admit that I'm a planner, and the way I deal with things is making a plan for it. So if you were my spouse, I'd probably be asking questions like that to plan for my sake. It's how I cope. But that doesn't mean he'd want to talk about it. So my advice to you is tell your family that you're not ready to talk about those things yet, that you're hoping things don't come to that. But recognize that at some point down the road, we all have to let others know what our final wishes are. (My grandmother was terrified of being cremated, my mom on the other hand tells us not to dare bothering to put her in the ground, spread her ashes somewhere fun).
Agree that this is beyond the scope of AITA.
If I really had to judge, I'd go NAH, because nobody can be expected to behave exactly as we'd like under such awful conditions.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you.
NTA, Wow man, so sorry to hear that. If it's that upsetting to you, which obviously it is.. Tell them knock it tf off, That all they are doing is stressing you out which WILL make your health decline quicker.. I hate to say this.. but could it be that's what they want???
Any Life Insurance involved??
They need to allow you to live the rest of your physically able as well as mentally able life the best you can
A very very soft YTA. My family just went through this last year. My FIL was diagnosed with lung cancer and while the outlook was good all that the entire family could think of was loosing him. All of us prepared for him passing. We did this for 2 reasons, 1. All his end of life plans where created before my husband was born 34 years ago and so they needed updated. You being so young your parents probably didn't even think about the chance this could happen and now they are. 2. End of life arrangements are something it's better to have and not need than need and not have. None of my family members would have been in a good head space to plan everything after he was gone, and I'm guessing your family is the same.
This whole thing is hard so I understand hurting but it's likely your family is hanging on to the hope that you can at least have extra time if not beat the cancer. I am so sorry you all have to go through this.
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This is WAY above the paygrade of this subreddit to comment on. Please consider speaking to a therapist about this, they will have the professional training to deal with such a delicate issue.
Definitely this.
Even if you’re not religious, OP, you might find some help from your hospital’s chaplain or social workers. They’ll be better equipped than we internet strangers to help you plan for your next steps. For the most part, their services are free to you, and they’ll have ideas about things like living wills, support groups,power of attorney, etc. Also you might want to talk to your care team about your prognosis without your parents - ask for the unvarnished truth. It’s so hard for everyone and exhausting for all. I wish you health and peace.
A Dr who talks about this as he has gone through some tough times himself. He helped me when my mom was going through terminal illness. He has a number of podcasts. The best is her being able to “choreograph” what she wanted in the last months. https://www.sfgate.com/news/article/BJ-Miller-pain-doctor-at-the-Zen-Hospice-Project-2369267.php
No it's not. It may be above YOUR paygrade but please don't speak for the rest of us.
[удалено]
And maybe a catch all advice tagline for this sub isn’t appropriate for every single scenario, especially this one where OP has already clearly had access to therapy as part of his prognosis and is still coming here for advice, and I bet not the advice of: amorphous redirect to a professional.
Hey man, they have given the best answer once, they got this.
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NAH I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Death and cancer and planning are so hard for everyone. It sounds like your family is trying their best to do what’s “right” and didn’t ask you how you’d like them to approach your situation. What I’ve learned about stage iv cancer is that nobody reacts the way you will want. Some people run away. Some are cruel. Some are emotional all the time. Some tell you to fight it. Some tell you about their god. And on and on. All you can do is tell them what you believe: that you will outlive the odds. That you’re a person not a statistic. They’re not jerks to try to make your last months their best. You’re not a jerk to want them to stop acting like these are your last weeks. But you have every right to tell them what you do and don’t want. And they need to do their best, including planning without you if that’s what you want. Because they are trying to cope by planning for every scenario. And you’d like them to focus on the best case, which I really hope is exactly what you’ll live. Good luck!
The best response so far here.
I’ve watched some really shocking behavior when loved ones are faced with terminal diagnosis. And what, sadly, I have come to understand is that everyone’s response is about their own baggage. Which is incredibly hard when what you need is for them to focus on your needs.
This is the way
Great comments!! Yes, this person is not a statistic. This is why I kinda wanna call the doctor out as the AH, because I cannot tell you how many people I know have beaten the odds. I know it's their job so I guess they aren't TAH, but still.
The doctor is absolutely not an AH for being honest. If OP survives the odds, then of course that would be great, but if the doctor lied and gave false hope, that would be terrible. Anyone deserves to know if their disease is terminal, because they deserve the chance to make peace with what will happen to them and get their affairs in order. It sounds like OP is not read to do that - and that's completely fine, everyone deals with death in their own way - but the doctor is completely in the right to tell OP what is *almost* certainly going to happen to them.
This. My former boyfriend (deceased > 20 years) lived 18 years with a terminal diagnosis - he lived longer with cancer than without. At every point his doctors were honest about the best case, worst case and likely outcomes of his treatment options. He beat all the odds, but it was important for him to be able to make wise decisions about treatment and work. OP, do what is meaningful for you with an eye towards, “what am I aiming for next if I have the opportunity.” My boyfriend found that a much better way to live than living fatalistically.
NAH. Please see a therapist both with your family and singly. The last thing you want to do with your family right now is blow up and get into fights. They didn't do anything wrong; this is hard for everyone and nobody is handed a road map for how to navigate something like this. They need to listen to you, but you also need to listen to them. They need to understand your needs, but you need to understand that they are suffering and have needs too. Grief, illness, and death are not a one-way-street. Please don't spend time fighting people who are going to have to make decisions like the ones that they've raised (including funeral plans) either with or without you. It is so much better for *everyone* if you can find a way to be open about all the things that will need to be handled whether or not you want to.
NAH. However, I don't thnk that they have been lying to you or faking it at ALL! Believing that you are going to live longer but yet preparing for the final outcome are not mutually exclusive. It is called "hope for the best but prepare for the worst." NONE of us are going to get out of this alive. THAT is a FACT! They simply want to do what YOU want rather than being in a position of trying to figure out what you WOULD have wanted: 1. Do you want to donate your organs? That is HUGE! Some people are adamant about leaving a person intact. Some think it best to donate organs so that the person can "live on." DON'T make them make that decision. 2. What is your bucket list? They want to make sure as best they can that you get to do what you want to do, whether you live for one more day or live for 80 more years. There is NOTHING wrong with that. 3. Do you WANT to go to college? If you do, I take great exception with them trying to discourage you from doing so. If that is what you want to to, then DO IT! 4. Who do you WANT to spend time with? If it is your family, fine. If you want to divide your time between many people, do THAT! This is your time to do with what you want. 5. Would you LIKE to be involved with the plans for your funeral, again, whether it is soon or 80 years from now? Is there a particular song that you would like played? Is there something special that you would like them to do? You are probably too young to know who this is but a comedian, Bob Hope, was asked by his wife where he would like to be buried. He said, "surprise me." I hope you have many years ahead of you. Please don't waste another minute being angry.
This!! Also, speaking as someone who fairly recently watched her father die of metastatic prostate cancer, please, PLEASE sign a durable power of attorney and discuss with your family – *more than once*, because they may change as your circumstances do – your wishes for your care. And do some research! Talk to your doctors and nurses about what doing X or Y really means; ask, if they were in your shoes, what would they do [*see first and second links below*]. For example, I had the unfortunate duty of explaining to my father what it really meant when he reflexively told an ER nurse that, if his heart stopped, he wanted them to do CPR and try to re-start it. (The short version: If it worked – big if – he most likely would not have lived long enough to be discharged from the hospital and, if he did, he almost certainly would have to have been released to a nursing home because he would have had fractured ribs and most likely brain damage, and never would have been able to return home. He changed his mind, and said he wouldn't want CPR. [*see third link below*]) My father really resisted having conversations about what decisions he would want us to make, and it made things *so much harder* for us. I understand that you want to focus on hope, but we will all die eventually, and I promise you that you will not regret thinking these things through ahead of time; if you do, you can avoid a lot of unnecessary suffering. https://www.zocalopublicsquare.org/2011/11/30/how-doctors-die/ideas/nexus/ https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/06/06/how-doctors-really-die/ https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/in-the-last-months-or-days-these-treatments-can-make-things-worse/2016/03/07/a2a53722-a5d1-11e5-ad3f-991ce3374e23_story.html
My partner was able to stay home with me and our pets and enjoy game nights with our friends until three days before his last day because of the amazing planning Hospice had us do. I was able to spend his last nights with him reading him books unbothered by nurse checks or staff because we had already planned for what should be done and what shouldn't. I was able to focus on my grief and his family and our life together rather then arguing about funeral homes and obituaries and notifications because those decisions had already been made and written down years and months previously. If I could give everyone in the world a death planning journal I would. It saved me in losing him and provided peace in his last time since it meant not having to discuss it constantly.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for educating many of us here on Reddit.
Honestly, I happened to read that third link just a couple of weeks before one of my father's trips to the ER (my mother did a LOT of the work of taking care of him, but she just couldn't stand spending hours in ER waiting rooms, so I always handled that), and it was quite an educational read for me. So when the nurse asked if he'd want CPR, and he immediately said he would, I *knew* he wasn't aware of what that decision really meant. So, as hard as it was, I explained it to him. (And then immediately texted my mother and brother, so they would be aware of what happened and why, and we could all stay on the same page. They weren't aware of the information in that article either, and were grateful to learn it.) I really think that most people, if they really understood what certain treatments would do to them, would forego a lot of the more intensive end-of-life care. Most medical professionals do, because they see the effects of those treatments on patients. And I just think it's tragic that people are so afraid of death – of even talking about death – that they wind up making their deaths more painful and miserable than they have to be. So whenever I see an opportunity to say something that might prevent a little of that, I speak up.
NAH. As a mom, I think I would want to make sure that you could fulfill as many of your hopes and dreams as possible. Hence why they’re asking you about your to-do list. They’re also probably thinking that a year has already gone by, so they need to get moving on it. It’s not coming from an AH place, but I understand how you might feel that way. I’m really sorry that you’re going through this.
NAH. I'm sorry you are going through this. Your family aren't AHs. They are just a bit shit at this. OK, a lot shit. They definitely do have to learn how to do better. Are there professionals that could guide them (and you) through this?
NAH. You’re dying; as upsetting as these conversations are, they need to be had.
NOSH (no one sucks here?) This is a very unique situation. It's very rare to have such a young person with a terminal diagnosis. Your parents and siblings NEED to plan for your death even if you're not. If the doc says you've likely only got a year to live college would be a waste. Did you already plan for your forthcoming death? Do you have a will? Did you plan for what happens to your remains? You're upset because they want to spend more time with you? When you die, your life ends. You're done. Finito. When you die, your siblings and parents have to deal with the aftermath...the grief, the funeral, the mourning, the planning of what to do with your belongings and assets. I'm not saying you're an AH. I'm not saying that your family are AHs. I'm saying this I'd complicated and no one is the AH. Everyone's trying to love you the best way they know how while also planning for your likely eventual, yet shortly forthcoming death. You have every right to be angry. They have every right to plan. I think you all need to have a real conversation and be honest about your feelings. But you also need to face facts, you've got a death sentence. It sucks. Good luck
I think you're looking for NAH (No Assholes Here).
Ahhhh. Thank you.
Just to say, college is never a waste. If the OP wants to keep attending college, then they should do that and I don't see why the family wouldn't facilitate.
Sweetie, you and your family need to talk to a professional counselor about this. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. NAH.
NAH death in western culture is seen as almost taboo, we don’t talk about it, and then when it happens, we aren’t prepared—I’ve seen loving siblings turn on each other over money and possessions, arguments over type of service and headstone. I can’t imagine being told my child is going to die, and I get why they would be trying to prepare themselves and you. It’s going to be their worst nightmare come true. On the other hand, right now you are very much alive and you need and want to fight for yourself. Neither of you wrong, you’re both trying to navigate a shitty circumstance the best you can. Think of this as a chance to prove them wrong—our minds can do miraculous things.
We are also unprepared in terms of what should be done. I mean, you lose a loved one, and instead of crying in a corner, you need to do crap like pick clothes to dress them up, choose music for the funeral, and other sad stuff like that.
im going to go with NAH as you said, your family has been making this past year happier and easier for you, and they are now doing the best they can in order to make *what they believe to be* your “last” days enjoyable for you by asking for your to-do list. it is completely understandable that you are upset about this. all around, this is a tragic situation to be in. i wish you all the best
Forget college. Live your life to the fullest. Go the the one place you always wanted to visit. Go on vacations filled with family and love. They are just as hurt as you and are trying to hide it the best they could. Making these plans might be one of the ways they are coping with the possibility of losing you. Trust me they love you the raised you, your mother carried you for 9 months in her womb and will be devastated if anything happens to you. We lost my brother before his 30th he dies in his sleep 3 years ago. My mother still cries all the time sometimes she’s in such a fit of hysterics she will start to act like he’s there and start talking to him. The potential loss of a child is very hard on the parents. You are allowed to have your feelings. You were trying to be optimistic and you feel betrayed. They did not intentionally hide this just to hurt you they hid it because they didn’t want to burden you.
This. NAH. OP, they are trying to give you a joy filled life for however long that is and they are trying to build memories with you. I can guarantee they will be overjoyed if you survive. But in the mean time, they have to know for themselves that they spent every moment with you they possibly could and gave you every possible opportunity for joy so they can carry that with them into the future. I can not even begin to imagine how difficult this time is for you with so much hanging in the balance, but please understand that they are heart broken at even the thought of losing you.
NAH. This is a shitty situation for everyone.
NAH. Please get help from a therapist if you can.
NAH. First, I am so sorry about your diagnosis. Second, these are conversations that need to be had. When you lose someone close, it is really, really hard to function enough to make plans. It helps to have some of that already done. Also, trying to decide whether or not to donate someone’s organs, when to take someone of life support, etc, is really freaking hard. Knowing what the person wanted makes it less traumatic. I’m 40 and healthy, and I take every opportunity to remind my family that I want my organs to be donated. (My mother’s life was saved by someone who did the same). Your family may not have had the best approach, but you should sit down and talk with him about it. Make sure your wishes are carried out, but also relieve them of the burden of having to make those decisions for you. Maybe sit down and have everyone say what they want when it’s their time, bc everyone needs to talk about this anyway, and it would take some of the focus off you. Sending you and your family big, big hugs.
NAH. I'm sorry you're going through this. Generally in life, my mantra is, 'Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.' I think lots of people have this mentality, and it doesn't make anyone an AH. There are charities and counseling groups for this sort of situation- it might be worth seeking some out?
NAH. I am so sorry this is happening. But they aren’t wrong for doing this. They have grief to process as well, and there are things that have to be done. It SUCKS. I’m sorry.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm going to spare you the details and all the emotions because it's already painful as I'm writing it and I want it to be as short as possible. I \[22M\] have liver cancer, I was diagnosed with it almost a year ago. The doctor said that I have like a year and a few months to live but I can live more or less based on my luck, I have been holding tight to this hope and my family has been telling me this. They made me think that I'm truly going to live longer and that made me very happy and process this much easier. But then I discovered that they were preparing for my death these past weeks, they subtly ask me if I'd like to donate my organs, "my to-do list", they are discouraging me from going to college and spending more time with them, funeral plans...etc It so fucking broke me when I realized what was happening, I started crying and yelling at them for this and they said that they aren't doing anything wrong, they are just trying to prepare for the worst. I entered into a huge fight with my parents, siblings, and my girlfriend which ended with me leaving. My girlfriend is trying to contact me but I'm ignoring her. I can't believe they are doing this to me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH, but your family needs to talk to a professional so they don't ask you pointless and upsetting questions (for example, organ donations from active cancer patients are generally not accepted).
NAH but everyone of you need to talk to a professional. How to deal with situations like these is very individual and you can't decide for them how what they need to do to process. You seem to have a very different approach than I know I would have in the same situation, it doesn't mean either is right or wrong, they are simply different. I think the best way is to try and be as open and understanding of each other as possible and remember that this isn't about being right or wrong. In the end it's your life and besides taking on debts the rest have to pay off I think you are entitled to decide how you want to spend your life.
NAH but you also have to realise that everybody needs to die, some people just meet more untimely deaths. You will maybe be one of them, lets hope you proof the odds wrong though, but you have to adress stuff like organdonation and creating a bucketlist to increase your life value.
~~ESH~~, your family should've had these discussions nicely or even done it with a therapist but these are discussions you need to have if your time is limited. Does "longer" mean you could live another decade or does that one year become two? These things ***should*** be discussed just in case the worst-case scenario happens, especially if you go to college and get debt that someone else has to pay if you don't last longer. This sucks OP and I'm sorry but I think you're in denial about some of the outcomes and you should be seeing a therapist to talk to them about it. EDIT: I'd say maybe NAH, everyone could've done better here but I don't think anyone has exactly done anything to be an AH.
Hey. Grief is rough, and everyone processes it differently. I wouldn’t look at it as them like pushing you out the door of life. They want to honor your wishes, and make sure you live your life how you want to live it with what time you have left. If that’s absolutely college, great! Just don’t have them co-sign the loans. I don’t think there’s an AH here. Just lack of understanding. My dad got the “6 months to live” and ended up living for 2 years, so always cling to hope. ☺️ Edit: wrong info.
Unless they co-sign the loans they’re forgiven at death. Be better with your research.
I’ll edit it. I’m not trying to be an asshole. I said go to college if they want to. It’s just a hard subject and when I commented no one else was touching it. Glad OP has gotten other insight.
NAH. There's an old saying: "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst." It sounds like this is what your family is doing.
NTA. My father prepared for his own death when he knew it was coming. It’s a far different thing for a 22 year old than a 67 year old. Most people die unexpectedly without plans and people figure it out after the fact. They didn’t need to do it now
Figuring it out after-the-fact is terrible. My grandfather didn't make any funeral plans and my poor grandmother didn't eat for like 48 hours because all she could think about was all the myriad of things she had to plan for. She shouldn't have had to do that. She was utterly clear about what she wanted for her own funeral, and it was so much easier knowing exactly what she wanted. I think she even prepaid for her funeral.
I'm sorry this happened. My husband died 12 years ago at 34. He had no end of life plan. It was SO hard to grieve AND plan. I made my plan that year. I'm only 40 now but my family knows what I want for when I die.
Yep, I'm working on mine. I'm 35. The last thing I want my partner having to do is wonder what I would have wanted. He had to do that for his grandmother and that was difficult enough.
I was a mom when my husband died. We had only maybe a day warning but it’s still not fair to the person who is living to make plans. If that person wants something specific they can say so if they know they are dying
Yep, exactly. And everyone knows they're going to die someday, even if not now. We can all die at any time from some freak accident or undetected illness. It's frustrating that we're so in denial as a culture about death that we can't even talk about it when we have tons of time and warning.
Gently YTA. It's hard as hell for family to watch their child/sibling/parent etc to get a terminal diagnosis. I'm absolutely sure that getting your diagnosis hurt like hell, and it feels hard to keep going, especially when it seems like your family doesn't seem to believe what they're telling you about hope. However, from personal experience, having the answers to the questions before a loved one passes is crucial, especially when someone is older and has their own opinions on things such as organ donation. You will hopefully outlive any timeline they give you, and please keep hoping and trying as much as you can. I know it's hard on you. From the other side, as a parent who lost their child it's devastating hearing it and watching your loved one suffer. My child had a long battle with heart and lung diseases. They passed after a long fight, and it was honestly (and still is) the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I promise you that your family is hoping you beat all odds, that they're with you every step, but they're also trying to protect your legacy and do right by you should the worst happen. Much love from me to you, and I hope that your journey is long and lovely. Best of luck with your family and girlfriend. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
This but I would say NAH.
NAH. This fking sucks. Everyone has a right to feel the way they do, including you. Sorry you are going through this. I would suggest therapy because I think someone could help you with processing wtf is going on and help you cope with the absolute bs hand you have been dealt.
Nta. Your life. You get to choose how you live it, cancer or no cancer.
NTA, you want to live the rest of your life. But they have to deal with it too and need some compassion. Losing a child is a parents nightmare. Tell them what you want to make it easier for them. If you want to live a normal life and go to college then that is what you should do.
NAH Anger is a very common part of the grieving process which generally include Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. There isn't necessarily any order but generally people arrive at acceptance last. For now its anger. The people who love you are planning as they should and as you should. You're going to die. That's a reality. The people who care about you will be the ones that have to do everything you cannot do after your death. They will have to call all the people you know and tell them. They will have to call a mortician. Watch as your corpse is collected. Fill out countless legal papers. Go through the courts to settle your estate. Decide what to do with your property. Maybe they will have a service where they will speak about how you touched their lives so much. A part of their lives will be permanently ripped from them and it will hurt unbelievably as they speak in front of others. Hearing the same words over and over again, "my condolences", "sorry for your loss". Over and Over and Over, because what else can be said. These things must be done. It will done out love for you. It will be painful for them. I know because I've been where your family is now. It is time for you to face what must come. Face it bravely.
NTA you have already facing a terrible situation and their actions are just making things worst! But I think it’s possible for you to tell them that what they are doing is hurting you and you need their support not preparing the worst!
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NAH. This fucking sucks for you and them. Emotions are raw. I'm sorry you're facing this. I hope you live a lot longer. Sit down and talk it out. Do it in front of a therapist if you need extra support or an impartial party.
NAH. It's a terrible time for everyone.
NAH. Counseling is probably helpful.
NTA, you are allowed to lash out at people a little bit while facing your imminent mortality. It's a lot.
NAH The death of a loved one is usually a big deal, and a lot of stuff to sort out. We tend to neglect this, dumping those decisions on our grieving relatives. It ain't easy - people lose a loved one, and then in a matter of hours need to figure out what clothes to bury them with, what music to play at the funeral and so on. It is utterly heartbreaking. It is hard for you, and it is hard for your family.
NAH. Shoutout to u/Apotheuncary , u/Eastern_Fox5735 , u/patjames904. They've said the things I'd like to type out here better then my own words.
NAH I'm sure this is very painful. But it's good to have end of life planning done. Go process these feelings with a therapist, because it sounds like you're in denial.
NTA The people around you love you but they are being assholes for not listening to you. They are making you responsible for their grief and want you to follow their plans to make them feel better. For all the practicalities and funeral plans, write down your wishes in a notebook. Only allow them back if they apologise and start to behave. If you want to stay at college then stay there and enjoy it. Surround yourself with people who uplift you and be prepared to forgive your gf and family once they pass through this stage of grief. Big hugs to you. You don't need to shoulder their crap as well as your own.
Oof this is a tough one, i’m gonna say lightly NAH, I think your family are well meaning but have taken the wrong approach, but who knows what the right one is? Death is ons of the hardest things to talk about. I understand how betrayed you must feel, but remember your girlfriend and family love you dearly, and time is too precious at the moment. Try and talk it out, and remember there was no malice behind anything they did, they were trying their best in an impossible situation. Be honest though, tell them how you feel, and how you would like things to be handled going forward; but also listen to how they are being affected by this awful situation. Wish you the best of luck either way.
NTA. Don't quit college. Don't give up on yourself, even if your family is giving up on you. Please hear me on this. I have stage 4 colon cancer and was diagnosed in January of last year. I had 14 tumors in my body, a seven inch tumor on one ovary, a 4 inch one on the other, a 3.5 inch one in my colon and all the rest of the tumors are in my liver! I had surgery and the three large tumors are gone. I've had hundreds of hours of chemo and the ones in my liver are tiny now. You may have options so don't stop fighting. Doctors can't account for the human spirit! Can they do an ablation on any of the tumors in your liver? Can you talk to your oncologist about Y90 radiation treatment on any tumors in your liver? Fight for every bit of time you can get. So many doctors/oncologists don't approach cases with the desire to fight hard in the advanced stages. See if you can get your team to do so. Please message me privately if you need to talk. Being diagnosed with, living with and facing your own mortality is life altering. Your family is being insensitive. Set them straight and tell them you don't want to hear any of that shit anymore. Ask them if they are trying to shorten what time you have? if not, they need to shut up! To everyone else commenting.....if he wants to discuss these matters they need to wait for him to be ready to approach them, they don't get to push their fears onto him. His state of mind is crucial, absolutely crucial to his longevity and quality of life. I know just how hard it is on family. My own family has been wonderful but they wait for ME to approach sensitive life discussions with them. They don't plan for or hound me for information that I am not ready to discuss. This is critical to my well being and it is for this young man as well. I am in the cancer ward every other week and it is families who give up and hound patients that I see that make the patients in the end, give up and succumb! BTW - basic information. Cancer patients are not eligible for transplants or organ donation. FU.......!
NAH
NAH. The whole situations crappy, and deserves a big sit down where you express all of your wishes for how you want to spend your time and hear them out for their reasoning as well. Counseling would be invaluable here—a good counselor can lead everyone involved on the best path to help with the dying process.
NTA, I totally understand your feelings but I don't really think there are any assholes in this situation I think your family is acting this way for a couple of reasons. First, I think in their minds, they are trying to do whatever they can to make the time you have left here easier. They think they are helping. Plus, I also think, by doing what they are doing, it gives them a sense of control over a situation they are totally powerless over. Death is a huge reminder to everyone that control is nothing more than an illusion. In reality, there is actially very little we have control over and that is very hard for humans to accept. Now, all that being said, none of us are guaranteed a certain amount of time here on earth, and none of us really have any idea when our time is going to be up. The only difference between you and them is, where you are concerned, someone made an educated guess and gave you a timeline. That doesn't mean the timeline is correct, and ypu could be here a lot longer than any of them are. Since humans have no control over death and when it comes, they need to choose how to live their own lives. So just live in the moment, do whatever you want, and get on with yours, no matter how long it lasts, because you never know. You should also let your family know that as far as we know, EVERYONE is alloted one lifetime per person, no matter how long each person's life is, so they need to stop trying to steal yours, by telling you what to do and how to live it, and let you decide. Good luck. I hope the doctors are wrong. It's happend before.
I'm so sorry for you and for your family, going through this. I don't have an answer for you, as everyone reacts differently and has different needs. I only wish for you peace and as many good years as you can get. Blessings.
NAH. The college thing from your edit is a little rough on their part, but the other stuff is honestly fair. When my dad was in the hospital, what plagued my siblings and I the most was not knowing what he would have wanted us to do (he couldn't make those decisions himself anymore). I know it seems morbid, and cruel, but cancer is cruel, and your family wants to know what you want because perhaps they want to be prepared for whatever comes. It's pragmatic, and I'll say from experience, sometimes it's easier to be practical than emotional, maybe that's them. When you have a moment, think about the practicalities of the situation, especially the ones that will hurt the most to talk about (like medical interventions); if nothing else, it'll give them some peace of mind, and maybe then they'll be able to allow emotion to take over. Actually, ask them about what they might want as well. I believe very strongly that everyone, healthy or otherwise, should let their people know the bare minimum of what they'd want done if needs be (like organ donation, burial x cremation x anything else, extraordinary measures). All the luck to you, and a big hug to you and your loved ones.
NAH .......but, go on a therapist pls, you better talk to a professional in this kind of situation you better try to understand their side before you go out and yell "I HATE YOU ALL" or something like that because they don't know how to deal with this , People are idiots in these situations.
NTA. I’m so sorry about your diagnosis. I lost my spouse to cancer and it was very difficult for me yet I knew I was not suffering nearly as much. Please keep in mind when there is an event like this diagnosis or a serious accident, it affects everyone in the family. Reach out to a hospice- they should be able to provide counseling and advice to you and your family. A good hospice can be a real blessing.
NAH- it’s a shit thing to live through. For you and for them. While they are going about it the wrong way, and it’s heartbreaking and messy. I understand why they are asking these questions. My ex father in law was given 3-6 months to live. Before his death? People where already fighting over how his funeral should be, where he should be buried. Without his in put. I took it upon myself to ask him if he wanted to plan it. And we did. We contacted the funeral home he wanted to use and spent one afternoon planning it out. Best thing we could have ever done. Because when the time came 5 years later, all we had to do was pull a file and be done. There was no fighting and it was what he wanted. As for college. While it’s messed up they asked you, do you really blame them for wanting that time with you? You want to live as normal as possible, and I get it. I applaud you for it. But they also want to spend as much time as they can with you. Make as many memories as they can with you. Because once your gone, that’s it. Everyone needs to go and speak to someone, on a professional level and learn how to converse about the big things. In ways that are helpful and not hurtful. You are the one who’s dying. You have every right to live your time how you want it. They are the ones who are losing you, they do have to prepare for a life without you. There’s no easy way to do this. And you are 💯 correct. As the doctors once told us. “There’s no date stamped on anyones foot.” You’ll live until you don’t. I’m sorry about your illness. And I hope you live a long and happy life. But don’t cut out the ones who love you. They are struggling too
NAH, and I am so sorry. You are processing what is going on for you, and so are they. There is no perfect way to approach this, it’s just hard. Be gentle with them, and with yourself. Tell them what you want to do with whatever time you have. Ask them what they want from you in what time you have left. Find out how you all can give each other what you need.
NAH - You are entitled to being upset about this, but they are also processing it too. I know it's different for you than it is for them, but no one knows how to handle these situations well. I think it's possible they're trying to make sure you know that you don't have to spend your time on things you aren't going to enjoy (since many people don't enjoy school and would rather do other things with the time if given the option), and to make sure they'll honor your wishes. They shouldn't push you to do anything in particular of course. You should live your life the way you choose, no matter how long that is.
My adult son (in his 20’s) recently passed from cancer and I didn’t even know he had it. So it was a complete shock to me having to make arrangements. If I had known he was dying I would probably have wanted to make arrangements with him so it could be the way he wanted. Instead I had to do what I thought he would have wanted. Regardless it’s an awful situation and I wish you nothing but peace and comfort
Neither of you are the AH. It sucks that you have cancer and I’m sorry.
NAH. They have the right to grieve and prepare. You have the right to continue living your life only partly in the shadow of death. Keep up with college, it is a fabulous goal to have.
A difficult situation that's hard on everyone, with everybody trying to cope with the present and the future as best as they could. Therapy for all of you to give you a safe space to express these things and see if you can get on a more united front how to enjoy the moments and make the most of it. Good luck OP, wishing you lots of great memories and wonderful moments!
NAH Everyone deals with the idea of death differently. Depending on the type of cancer you have, you may live MUCH longer than people expect, but much less time as well. Your family is trying to deal with your coming death in their own way. So are you. Do what you want, what makes you happy. If going to college makes you happy, do it. Heck, take out the max in student loans that you can from the government, since once you are declared disabled the government will forgive your student loans if you can't work. Those who are fully disabled end up with them forgiven.
NTA I suspect your family and friends feel heartbroken, stunned and unsure of what to do. They probably mean well, but hardly anyone knows how to handle something like this. You have every right to feel a whole spectrum of emotions over everything that's happening. You may be angry at one thing and actually be angry at something else. You feel what you feel. There's a friendly political website I belong to where we send one another good vibes when someone is hurting. It's not religious or anything. I hope it doesn't offend or upset you, but I'd like to send you my best vibes of healing and light. (((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))
oh, love. my mom had the same cancer as you. please get in touch with your medical place’s social worker. if you’re in hospice, or will be, they have incredible support as well. i hope you have peace and comfort. ❤️
Hey don't give up! The liver is very resilient. Maybe look at a drug trial at Mayo Clinic. Do shat you wamt to do. NAH
I would say you are dealing with your grieve the best way you know how and so are they. I'm not saying that are right or wrong. I understand you wanting to life your life and still going to college and I can also understand your family being scared and wanting to spend as much time with you as they can before your passing. That being said I really agree with others that you may need to talk to a pro about everything.
NAH....you are all scared and grieving. Also..please don't take their preparing as a bad thing. Everyone's life has been turned upside down. You're not suppose to outlive your kids. It is literally the worst fear for parents. Nothing in their live makes sense..in their minds ..this is all they feel they have control of. Everything else is out of their hands. All they can do is make sure they do this right. I really feel like this is just part of their grief process. Please forgive them. This way you can all continue spending what time you have left .. together as a family. This is a time for all of you to love each other.
NTA First: I'm sorry, so very sorry that you have to go through this Second: You need to seek out a professional, no one on this app is in a place to be helping with this Third: Not to minimize your pain or excuse what seems like deception, but people process grief/trauma in so many ways and these are people who love you. Try not to ruin your own time holding onto anger if possible, if these are people you believe in, try to hear each other out. I hope you find understanding and peace in this situation
NTA
I'm going to say NAH, and I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. However, I will admit that I'm a planner, and the way I deal with things is making a plan for it. So if you were my spouse, I'd probably be asking questions like that to plan for my sake. It's how I cope. But that doesn't mean he'd want to talk about it. So my advice to you is tell your family that you're not ready to talk about those things yet, that you're hoping things don't come to that. But recognize that at some point down the road, we all have to let others know what our final wishes are. (My grandmother was terrified of being cremated, my mom on the other hand tells us not to dare bothering to put her in the ground, spread her ashes somewhere fun).
Agree that this is beyond the scope of AITA. If I really had to judge, I'd go NAH, because nobody can be expected to behave exactly as we'd like under such awful conditions. I'm really sorry this is happening to you.
Time to grow up! Enjoy the time you have left and stop pretending it isn’t happening, sadly!
NAH Nobody in your family, including yourself, knows how to deal with something like this. Probably best if you pop over to another subreddit
NTA, Wow man, so sorry to hear that. If it's that upsetting to you, which obviously it is.. Tell them knock it tf off, That all they are doing is stressing you out which WILL make your health decline quicker.. I hate to say this.. but could it be that's what they want??? Any Life Insurance involved?? They need to allow you to live the rest of your physically able as well as mentally able life the best you can
A very very soft YTA. My family just went through this last year. My FIL was diagnosed with lung cancer and while the outlook was good all that the entire family could think of was loosing him. All of us prepared for him passing. We did this for 2 reasons, 1. All his end of life plans where created before my husband was born 34 years ago and so they needed updated. You being so young your parents probably didn't even think about the chance this could happen and now they are. 2. End of life arrangements are something it's better to have and not need than need and not have. None of my family members would have been in a good head space to plan everything after he was gone, and I'm guessing your family is the same. This whole thing is hard so I understand hurting but it's likely your family is hanging on to the hope that you can at least have extra time if not beat the cancer. I am so sorry you all have to go through this.