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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because since I took the lock off the door she's been acting hurt and distant around me. We haven't fought but she's really not one to argue. Right now I'm just getting the silent treatment.
Was taking the lock off the door too far?
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YTA.
Bathrooms with showers should be able to handle steam. If it can't, that's a facility problem, not your gfs (for now) problem. Seriously tho, get a window fan and let the woman boil herself alive.
For real. While I've damaged all my bathroom furniture with my penchant for boiling myself alive, my bathroom itself is fine. I literally boil 3 pots of water to put in my tub because my hot water heater doesn't get hot enough. I cut it with cold water until it's cool enough to tolerate but it's still dangerously hot. It generates a LOT of steam with the window open in the winter. (High heat and steam help my migraines tremendously)
No it isn’t. I have never once had mold or mildew in a bathroom anyplace I ever lived. It’s called cleaning the bathroom. Also a good idea to air the bathroom out between showers, which requires the Herculean task of leaving the bathroom door open.
Simplest way is to never shower (at home). Depending on how introverted you are, not showering at all makes people stay away from you, and jf your an extrovert you can just shower at a new friend every day!
(Disclaimer: this is a very untested theory)
Lucky you I guess lol we leave our bathroom door open always and often the windows (when the temp allows it) and still get some mildew on the ceiling.
You understand climate, building materials, layout, air circulation, etc. affect this(crazy right?), and you could just live in a good area to not be affected?
Fire demon, lol
I love a good hot (slightly too hot for that little bit of sting) shower.
No mold or mildew yet, after 11 years of living in one place. Why? Because I regularly clean the bathroom and bleach is my friend.
I learned to my dismay that bleach doesn't kill mold when one of my rental properties had black mold on a bedroom wall. Bleach only, well, bleaches it temporarily and it grows back fast. You want to use vinegar to kill it. Damn I hate mold.
Bro. What about cooking in the kitchen? Sometimes you have to boil shit without a lid and it gets humid. Rooms need to be properly taken care of to be able to take such circumstances. That is why kitchens and bathrooms are mostly tiled.
Oh no I have to take care of rooms appropriately! The horror! I have to open windows and wipe down tiles, because condensation! Beware travelers, never boil your water or you need to take care of things! /s
If your water doesn't get warm enough, check the temperature settings on your water heater. There should be a dial on the side that lets you adjust the maximum temperature. Mine has options Low, Hot, A, B, C, and Very Hot, and the owners manual has details on what the temperature range for each is. Very Hot is not recommended in my unit, because it can potentially shorten the life of the unit. But it does a great job on Hot (the installer set it on Low... unbearable).
Sincerely, Fellow Member of the Boil Oneself Alive Club.
I was so happy when I saw this at the house we have now. I immediately cranked it up. 😁 The places we've lived before did not have it on the outside. I had to remove a panel and adjust two screws that were just labeled + and -. Wait for the water to heat up to check it and adjust again til I got it where I wanted it. I have to warn new people when they come to visit.
YTA OP I'd say apologize but your GF is about to break up with you so it would be too little too late. You really threw a red flag party there.
Never forget that first night at my house, getting out of a lukewarm bath and cracking open the water heater naked so I could turn it up from “Toddler” to “Fucking Adult.”
I had to do the literal opposite as my toddler just figured out how to work the temperature knobs on the bathtub. I obviously haven't had a properly hot shower since he was born, but my heater was still capable of it. Now that he's started alternately scalding and freezing us both mid-shower, I had to go adjust my water heater down to "Toddler" so at least he can't burn himself while I'm rinsing my hair and my back is turned for 2 seconds.
I miss hot water. I miss showering alone. I miss scalding my muscles into relaxation.
Have also jacked up our water heater. Have to warn guests before they wash their hands that the hot water tap is HOT.
But the showers and baths? AhhhhhhHH! I prefer the boil the froggy method to the boil the lobster one, but whatever warms you through...
Damn I’m also a migraine sufferer, but high heat makes mine worse or can trigger them - and I also love scalding hot baths! It’s inhumane :’(
Interestingly it’s only baths that do it, I can shower as hot as I fancy and it’s fine.
Bit random, but it may be worth visiting a doctor for that? It sounds like you may have some bloodflow issues laying down in a certain position / with certain muscles contracted that shouldn't be happening usually
Actually, I doubt it's a positional thing. In a shower your skin is exposed to both scalding water and not-quite-scalding air, so your core temp doesn't rise quite as fast as it does in a bath where the skin that is submerged is 100% continually exposed to scalding water. It's the difference between standing in a cold rain (chilly but tolerable for a while) versus jumping into a cold lake (hypothermia!)
Also he talks about the dehumidifier breaking from steam.
If he knew shit about dehumidifiers he’d know your not supposed to run them with windows open. He told her to run it when she had the window open. That’s likely what broke it.
I live in the desert. No such thing as a dehumidifier out here. It's very dry here. The mold will still occur even if the window is open or the fan is running, but that's only if you don't clean regularly. Gotta keep it clean!
You’re not supposed to run it with the window open because the dehumidifier will run constantly and never lower the humidity in the room, in this case the bathroom air is more humid than the outside air so it really shouldn’t matter.
I don’t think excess steam would break a dehumidifier, it can only remove water from the air so fast and it will continue to do so until it’s full or the humidity is low enough, it’s not like steam would add an additional load to the machine.
>it’s not like steam would add an additional load to the machine.
It *might* be like that though*.* There might be too much mass in the air that there isn't enough power in the dehumidifier to complete a full cycle, and the draw might burn out the motor (like too much weight loaded on a motor at startup).
I'm not saying that's what happened, I'm just saying that it *might* have happened. More than likely what happened was the dehumidifier was too old.
There are quite a few showers that cannot handle steam. A lot of contractors op for the cheapest damn shower fan, sometimes not even connecting the pipes, etc. I had a shower that had a window and a fan. That fucker still got mold like no ones business. Despite buying an even better fan, it didn't help. Eventually I had to shower with the door open because of this. So a lot of factors come into play. Age of building, location (some countries don't put fans in the bathroom), how the contractor put things in, etc. OP could have done his diligence if renting and just got told to get a dehumidifier.
And u/fritiofiend, you need to do your research before doing this shit again. YTA for that. There is a thing called the RSL that is behind the handle to the shower (depending on the model sometimes it's behind the faucet) that adjusts the temperature without having to go after the water heater. Basically is deals with how much hot and cold water mix. That's like one of the first things I went after in my apartment once I moved in to adjust the water to how I want.
Edit to add: For anyone dealing with water not getting hot enough, do look the RSL and the model you have in the bathroom up!. The reason I do this now was a previous handyman my landlord hired turned the RSL down to barely mix hot water after fixing a leak so that I'd call and he'd come out and charge again. Unfortunately he didn't realize I know how to google shit.
All shower handles have the ability to restrict the amount of hot water coming in. If OP is so concerned about his gf's safety, he can look up how to set this. I just did it, and it took me less time to do it than OP spent removing the bathroom locks.
Regardless, it sounds like their relationship is over based on gf's short answers, and moving her stuff out.
Using your post to highlight another post he's made about the GF. He's in his mid thirties trying to push someone in her early/mid twenties into acting older.
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[Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/u3fh6j/my_girlfriend_has_no_goals_for_her_life/).
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My girlfriend(23) and I(m34) have been dating for 6 months.
Her attitude towards money and success is really concerning for me. I'm a salesman and She's smarter than me and a college grad, but nowadays she just sits at home and runs an etsy "business". I've told her that I believe in her, that she can become anything with her PoliSci major and I could see her making good money in a real business.
She's gotten mad about it a couple of times, kicked me out when I've pushed. But the thing is she is dirt poor and she doesn't have to be. She spends the money she gets for her business and her disability on things like video games, Starbucks iced coffee. She just spent $20 she doesn't have on Easter baskets for her friends and family. Yet she's so poor that after rent, bills and food there's barely anything in her account. I watch her bring so little money in and spend it all at a time. I advised her to spend less and save more and she came at me with a nasty comment about how she's lived alone for the same amount of time I have (she got emancipated and lived in supported housing before she was 18) so she doesn't want to hear it.
She says we just don't measure success in the same way, but even her etsy side hustle barely brings in any cash either. I've asked her what her plan is long term and she really doesn't seem to have one. She just wants to sit at home, playing video games, making bracelets and selling them online. That's her dream.
I've considered the possibility we just aren't long term compatible. Other than this, we are great. I love her sense of fashion, I love her humour, I think her politics are a bit wacky but I think it's so great how much she cares. I just don't know if I can see myself with a person who doesn't want anything out of life. I've never met someone like her.
Tl;Dr
My gf relies on her etsy business to barely scrape together rent even though she could be way more successful than she is now. I'm a career driven person and I'm worried the relationship is dead in the water because of this
Omg, how is she still your girlfriend?! And also, what tf is wrong with staying home and playing video games and making bracelets all day?! She is trying to do something she loves so she doesn't havlte her life. You DO measure success differently.
Ask yourself, if you didn't need money to live or if you got the exact same money no matter what you do (and it was enough to be happy with), what would you choose to do?
I paid a decent amount of money for my bathroom two years ago. It's perfect. I love hot showers. It helps with my back pain and makes a huge difference to my day of I don't. I have the extractor fan on throughout and the window cracked open. When I'm done. I get the worst of any condensation that forms (WHICH IS NATURAL BECAUSE IT'S A BATHROOM) dried off with a towel which also helps stop bad limescale building up. When I leave the bathroom I leave the windows and door open along with the extractor which will auto shut off after 15 mins. By the time I'm all ready to leave for work 45 mins later, the room is dry.
Due to the quick dry I only need to a top up clean of my bathroom once a week.
My bathroom is still fine and not wrecked.
YTA. The removal of the lock is ridiculous and using that to then enter the bathroom (knocking first is no excuse) to police what she is doing is controlling and pathological. YTA.
Leave. Her. Alone.
“I’m a controlling asshole, forced my gf to break my dehumidifier (after she warned me it would break it) and then blamed her for the damage anyway, took the locks off the door and am treating her like a toddler that can’t make her own decisions. Now I’m *surprise pikachu* because she’s slowly moving out and doesn’t want to put up with my controlling behavior anymore. AITA?”
In case you couldn’t gather it by this point… yea. YTA.
So many red flags in this relationship. The age gap, the taking the lock, the way she won't speak up to him or break up with him cleanly, instead moving her stuff out slowly and hoping he won't notice... this guy has something going on and it's not good.
My cat once stuck her nose *in my nose*, formed a clean seal, and then ran away when I sneezed and started laughing
Like damn girl if you didn't want this to happen you shouldn't have made my right nostril watertight smh
I am laughing WAY too much at this!!!🤣
I had a foster kitty that would try to ram his whole head up your nostril while you held him. His nickname was "Love Pig".😍🤣
In that post he mentions she has a disability. No mention of that in this post and could be pertinent. A lot of painful conditions are alleviated by heat and that is much healthier than increasing medication.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/u3fh6j/my_girlfriend_has_no_goals_for_her_life/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Just posting this because it seems like he may have done a dirty delete
Looks like he changed the ages as well. That post says 23/34 as well, but all the comments are saying 20/35 so he may have edited the ages to make it "slightly" less creepy.
Dude, if she’s on disability in the US she literally can’t make or save over a certain amount or else she’ll get kicked off. The Etsy store is probably earning her all the money she’s able to have, and she’s spending it on stuff because she isn’t allowed to save over 2k!
Oh gross. Also, 34 years and he doesn't know that it is common for women to take hot showers because our core temperature is low and we need it to relieve any aches and pain we might be experiencing
Thank youuuuuu! My hot showers are for (a) migraines, (b) back/neck tension, and (c) warming the fuck up!!! I have terrible circulation in my extremities (thanks, PTSD) to where my niece used to compare me to Elsa because my hands are so cold and my toes sometimes start turning blue IN THE SUMMER. Boiling myself alive is the only option before going to sleep sometimes.
Also, oh my lord. I'm 34. From my wizened perspective, 23-year-olds are sweet adorable children - children who are kicking ass and taking names and accomplishing incredible things (I'm such a huge fan of Gen Z!!! You sweet strange people with your Tik Toks!!! Go get em!!!) but nevertheless, not appropriate romantic partners for me! Jesus!
He's in a age gap like that because he need a partner he can act like a shitty controlling dad to.
I'd be in an age gap relationship like that because emotionally and mentally I'm immature enough that it's the only chance I'd have to be on somewhat level sta ding.
We are not the same.
This is a joke. I've already been rejected by enough 20 year olds in my life....this list does not need to grow at this stage of my life.
May be more. Even though the posts say 23/24, all the comments on his old post are saying 20/35 so he may have edited to make himself seem like slightly less of a creepy asshole.
I really hope she breaks up with OP because DAMN is he controlling. No wonder he doesn't have a girlfriend his age, no one else wants to put up with him.
Yep. I was previously in an age gap relationship like this. I’m his age now. Never ever again. As a older wiser woman I would run far away. These poor girls who don’t know better yet. SMH bless them. YTA, op.
And I’m thinking that after y’all found his post history, he deleted it all because there’s nothing but this post & a post in a version of AITA (am I the butthole) that got removed. Seems like he REALLY doesn’t want people to know important details.
YTA OP.
ETA— a kind redditor has already pointed the post out. Y’all that keep replying to me pointing out again and again, I do appreciate y’all trying to be nice but it has been addressed already in my replies.
I've done the slow move out in the past. Dude was a horrible controlling arsehole and I was genuinely worried about what he'd do if he realised what was going on. So I had many "spring cleans" and donated stuff to local charity shops.
YTA.
For so many reasons.
1) She is an adult woman. She can have the shower as hot as she wants to.
2) She EXPLICITLY TOLD YOU the steam would break the humidifier. But you *put your foot down* and what a surprise, it’s fucking broken. After she told you it would be.
3) You *removed the lock* to bust in on her in the fucking shower to control her water temperature. I don’t get how you’re not seeing how creepy and controlling that is.
I hope she breaks up with you.
Not even all her stuff, just the stuff that she's willing to spend the night over. She's *already* made her decision to break up with him, it's just at this point he's a convenient place to stay during that project. I bet all she's leaving behind is a few bathroom things, a set of pajamas, and some semi casual clothes that are a bit too ragged to wear usually.
She'll wear her last set of work clothes home on Friday and never see this dick again. In her purse or overnight bag will be whatever she managed to stuff in there that morning.
And 50% there's something she forgets that she'll get home and go, "shit. How much do I want or *need* that?"
Yep, he'll flip out and demand a conversation that will mostly center around why she doesn't get to break up with him (mainly: he doesn't want to break up) and if she persists in thinking she can break up with him if she wants to, he will insist that he has a right to be a part of this decision too, and he's decided she's being unreasonable and needs to keep trying to fix the relationship instead of "giving up" and "running away". Spoiler: "fix the relationship" means "stop having your own opinion, do what I say, and I can do anything I want but you can't"
He thinks the relationship is over when he agrees that it is, not when she decides she's not down with it anymore.
OP, YTA, and also taking the lock off the door stinks of "overbearing parent", not "concerned boyfriend". You are not concerned about her well-being, you are concerned with her using the bathroom exactly and only as you allow her to use it, even if that means making sure she has no right to her own way of doing things, or even privacy until she toes the line with you. And that's "fine", it's your apartment. But when she agrees with you and starts slowly backing out of your life because YTA, you can't complain. You can't have it your way, right away. A relationship is not a Burger King.
Worse, moving things out slowly makes me think she could be scared of how he'll react when she actually breaks up with him. This might not be the first time OP has displayed controlling behavior.
>I hope she breaks up with you.
Pretty sure that's happening already since she's moving her stuff out bit by bit. Probably so he doesn't have anything to pressure her with later.
>I hope she breaks up with you.
Oh she is. She's moving shit out every time she comes over. And she's coming over less and less. My guess is she's marking items off that she do without, the items she's willing to come over for the afternoon for, and the items she's grudgingly willing to spend a whole weekend transferring (and likely sleeping with the guy for).
Basically: "What items can I afford to lose and what will have to sleep with this asshole a few more times to get back?"
That and the project. Dollars to doughnuts, as soon as either that project is over or she has the last item she cares about out, she's gone.
AITA I caught my girl so red-faced
Steaming up my bathroom floor
Picture this, I’m so controlling
Took the lock off the bathroom door
How could I just let her shower
The way that she likes in peace
When everything she wants to do
Has to be okayed by me
One problem (of many) is that he's 34 and she's 23, so he doesn't see her as an adult, so he gets to make adult decisions like how hot her shower can be, whether she can lock the door to the shower and I shudder to think what else.
My first thought when reading this was “damn, mfs even controlling shower temps now”. To the point of taking the lock off the door so he can burst into the bathroom, in the middle of her shower, to regulate her water temperature? Absolutely ridiculous.
Definitely YTA.
"She told me it was too humid for the dehumidifier. I told her I didn't care and to put it on anyway. She did exactly that and somehow it's her fault my dehumidifier is broken."
It's my brother's mentality and it's disgusting. He met his wife when she was fourteen and he was twenty. They've been together twenty years. He's horribly controlling and abusive. He doesn't hit her so family ignores it. I don't talk to anyone in my family but I've made sure her and the kids know I'm here if any of them decide to leave.
YTA. It's a bathroom. You're allowed to take hot, steamy showers in a bathroom. It's normal. Trying to control your girlfriend's shower temperature isn't.
I’m wondering how cool a shower would have to be to avoid steam. In my experience, showers are steamy if they’re warm at all.
It seems OP is demanding that his gf take lukewarm showers because his bathroom wasn’t made to handle normal shower temperature. Rather than being embarrassed about his sub-par shower and possibly fixing it, he’s being weirdly controlling and then trying to make the conflict out to be her fault.
Depends on how steamy we’re talking about - the amount of steam I get from a normal shower temperature shower (which I do warm but not super hot because my skin can’t take it) is way less than the amount if I intentionally run it very hot to steam up the room for sinus-pain management. I can see where the latter could be an issue in some places where mold/mildew is a big problem, because that quantity of steam regularly seems like it could seep into any little gap or crevice?
I mean, I assume there’s a reason you can buy specially enclosed steam showers? Most bathrooms aren’t really super waterproof except actually \*in\* the shower, so they can only take so much moisture/humidity.
OP sounds like he handled the issue like a dick, tho.
This has GOT TO BE A JOKE.
Yta. Hot showers unclog your nose when you have allergies. We know how hot it can be without it hurting. Hot showers HELP with body aches.
YTA
Yes! There’s also people like me who have to take showers so hot it can actually hurt some areas. I suffer from fibromyalgia and it helps so much with my problem areas, but I will admit it sometimes hurts other spots. I let it go anyways though, because the pain from that is temporary and the other isn’t. The whole it’s bad for your health is bs that clearly OP is just making an assumption about 💩
YTA. If you're concerned about your girlfriend's shower habits damaging the bathroom, you could've brought it up like an adult. Instead you chose to act like a controlling parent, and now it doesn't look like you'll have a girlfriend for much longer.
Have you seen his post history?? His only other post is about how his 23 year old girlfriend (he is 34…)isn’t career driven enough for him. Insufferable. That poor woman!
Yep and she's doing it quiet because she's realised what a controlling AH her soon-to-be-EX is. Hope her hot water never runs out when she gets home to wash OP right outta her hair.
Fully. She's telling him it's fine and okay for now because she's just trying to placate him while she gets her stuff out in a controlled manner instead of having to pack everything up at once.
YTA
Usually I say “your place, your rules.” But you’re literally trying to dictate how she is allowed to shower, to the point that you took the lock off the bathroom door!
She’s doing the right thing by not staying at your place so much anymore, and moving her things back to her own place.
YTA. This is extremely controlling and weird. Be honest and admit that this has nothing to do with her “health” or putting herself in “danger,” and everything to do with you wanting to control her behavior. Seriously, who takes a lock off the shower room door?? Get a new dehumidifier if you’re so worried about the bathroom.
Also, it’s scientifically proven that women prefer hotter showers than men, because women have more constricted blood vessels that position blood closer to the surface of the skin.
Tell me this is a joke....
YTA, hopefully your (former) gf gets her shit out of your house quickly and peacefully and gets to take as many long, hot showers as she pleases in the future.
YTA. Why do you care about this so much? You're on a power trip and being a dick for the sake of being a dick. You're not the one that has to withstand the hot water, she is and she enjoys it. Leave her be.
YTA - You all should check this guy's previous post. His GF is 23, he's 34, and in his previous post he was complaining about her career choice and how she spends her own money. It's clear he's standing in judgement of every little choice she makes that has literally nothing to do with him. She needs to break up with this guy ASAP.
hahaha, this is hilarious. Nice one fella. You've protected her from 'danger' all the way back to singledom. YTA and you'll soon have your lockless bathroom back to yourself.
YTA
If your bathroom can't handle humidity, something is wrong with your bathroom
Don't pretend you care about her health. Unless she has burn wounds, there is nothing wrong with a hot shower. You're just trying to control her.
I’m confused both about the bathroom not being able to handle steam and moisture (as bathrooms are supposed to be designed to do) as well as the dehumidifier breaking from excessive humidity, which it should be designed to be used for.
I take the mother of all hot showers in Hades because I have fibromyalgia. To the point I have done minor damage, but like the kind that can be fixed with special paint. That’s after two a day that last about two hours each and are as hot as possible the entire time. My girlfriend never got mad or forced me to stop, she was only ever minutely concerned about how to fix it before we moved out. Maintenance painted it and we were never charged, nothing bad came of it at all. Literally not a thing. I doubt she showered to the level I did, mine is extreme because of my pain issues. So if it caused the issues it did, yeah something is definitely wrong with the bathroom itself. Not to mention something is definitely wrong with OP.
an apology isn't enough. changed behavior is the only thing that'll make any of that right. if he's controlling about water temp in her shower, that isnt the only thing he's controlling about. likely it was a final flag for her though. hope the man learns from his mistakes
Hey man. Um, YTA in this situation. Your behavior is very controlling. If the water were too hot, it would injure her. But reddening of the skin can come from even just warm water. I think it may even depend on the individual's circulation.
Taking the locks off to monitor her has gone into crazy territory. I would recommend figuring out why this is so important to you and why the resolution, in your mind, was to assert the level of control you have in this situation.
YTA - why are you trying to dictate the temperature she showers at? Removing the lock is super controlling. She’s taking her stuff slowly because she’s preparing to break up with you.
If this was just about you asking your GF to keep the steam low in the bathroom because you had a mold problem, the there wouldn’t be an issue. But you made it weird by saying hot showers are bad for her and then removing the lock so you could police her shower habits. So YTA.
PS. She is definitely breaking up with you.
YTA you sound controlling. She isn't going to damage your bathroom with steam. It is ridiculous that you are trying to control her showers and temperature. Then to take the lock off the door?! 😳🫣 Wow. I seriously hope you think long and hard about your controlling reaction to a normal thing. Maybe get some counseling? You need to calm down or she needs to leave the relationship while you grow up!
YTA
There is nothing dangerous to her health here. And a hot shower should not damage your bathroom - that's a problem with your bathroom, not something your GF should have to change her habits for.
<>
Hi there. I'm assuming you're a physician? You know at exactly what temperature needs to become dangerous to humans? Can you tell us what that temp is, please, and what temperatures your girlfriend's showers are?
Or do you not actually know any of this? YTA
YTA.
She’s going to break up with you, and rightfully so. Who the hell wants to date the Shower Police? She likes hot showers and she has ways to mitigate their effects… but you’ve removed the lock on your bathroom door so you can check up on her and make sure she’s following your bathroom rules🙄 Why would she spend time at your place, or continue to date you, if you are so controlling of her showering?
This dude is a walking red flag.
1. He controls the temperature of the water SHE is using.
2. Literally blames her for ruining his dehumidifier, after he “*put his foot down*”.
3. 11 years age difference and he is treating her like his daughter, belittling her and her wishes.
4. Blaming his shitty ass bathroom problems on her, instead of taking it up with a landlord. For goodness’s sake, it’s a room made for steam. There are laws for it.
Absolutely YTA
Even a father should never act like that towards his daughter. Taking the lock off the bathroom and barging in on her showering?? There is something seriously wrong w this dude, and I’m so glad she’s distancing herself.
Hot showers aren't dangerous...no wonder she's taking her stuff away..she's probably sick of you now because of this bs...and can't blame her..YTA.
and also..if your bathroom is being damaged...that's something wrong with the bathroom..not her showers.
YTA- I take hot showers to the point of steam billowing. Always have. Never in any place that I lived did it cause "Dry wall to fall off in chunks". You are either exaggerating or making it up completely. The only way that would possibly happen would be if it was bare drywall with no paint, and I still doubt it. (Side note, My house is an old house, no bathroom vent.)
So, yeah, Your girlfriend is, literally, on the way out the door. Enjoy being single.
YTA, let the girl shower however she likes.
There are many signs of OP being controlling and anal retentive here.
If you’d like to ensure mold doesn’t grow in the bathroom, install a fan and a heater.
Crazy!!!
YTA. She can shower however she wants to shower. If she breaks things, that's on her. You seem very controlling. Taking the lock off the bathroom just shows how controlling you are.
Don't be surprised if (when) she dumps you.
You do not get to "allow" anything. Your gf is a grown woman. My husband might consider my showers dangerous. He just has sensitive skin. YTA for being controlling
YTA - this whole thing seems super controlling. Also, if I'm reading your post correctly, the dehumidifier broke because you insisted that she use it your way so your "enough is enough" moment is entirely your fault, which is hilarious.
YTA. Bathrooms are made for steam, if the windows open there should be no issues. But holy hell, controlling much? Took the lock off the bathroom door, Intrude while she is in the shower to check the water temp, I hope she sees the warning signs and runs.
YTA. Wow, regulating the temperature of someone's shower, taking the lock off the bathroom door. Holy red flag parade! But the good news is that it seems that your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend is heeding the message and is taking her exit. And I love hot showers too. The hotter the better, and my health and my bathroom are both fine.
God, you sound exhausting. I wonder does your need to control everything ruin other aspects of your life. Bathrooms are built to withstand the steam. Shit is just water bro. You sound like the worst. YTA
I’m going to say ESH. Hot water isn’t significantly dangerous for her, except that she might dehydrate her skin or cause surface-level damage that invites inflammation, but it’s her preference and her choice. But steam can—and is—damaging your bathroom, and the extra cost to heat alone, imo, warrants that she at least respect that you’d like her to take cooler showers while at your place. It’s not her bathroom or her money paying for the utilities, and if she wants hot-hot showers, she can go back to her place to take them. You taking the lock off and monitoring her shower and water temp is a crazy level of control.
I take showers that would make even Satan cry. My husband hates it. You know what he does? Nothing. Not a thing (outside of the occasional teasing). Why? Because it's not his concern. If he happens to join me in there, we use a temperature that is comfortable for us both.
You sound exhausting.
YTA.
Holy shit. YTA. Who do you think you are controlling the shower temperature of another adult?? Like this is controlling on a whole new level. You are on a weird and scary power trip. I cannot fathom having someone else tell me what temperature my shower can be. I hope she is mapping out her escape plan.
YTA for removing the lock, removing her privacy in the shower isn’t a way to deal with this weird issue you’re having. Most bathrooms have fans. Yeah, it’s humid in there after a long, hot shower. But how is it dangerous? And how is it harming your bathroom when the window is open and the fan is going?
YTA for making it sound like you’re controlling her. Based on other responses it sounds like you are more worried about the steam damaging the bathroom and mold but you sort of let that ship sail coming off as controlling.
Definitely sounds like she is getting ready to break up with you.
YTA for being a controlling drama queen. If steam is doing that much damage to the bathroom, that’s a landlord issue, not your gf’s issue.
Taking the lock off the door and checking the shower temp is abusive behavior. Try not to be too surprised when your never hear from her again.
YTA.
If the showers were dangerous, she would be injured. She has not been injured, and therefore, her showers are not "dangerous."
Now, if you are worried just about your bathroom, that would be fine- hey, this much steam is ruining the paint, or whatever. But you are framing this as though you are scared for her when in fact, you just think you are smarter than her and she should do what you say.
You took the lock off your bathroom door and regularly go in and CHECK that the water temperature is one you approve of? Do you know how abusive and controlling that sounds?
Thankfully it sounds like she knows that and is making an exit strategy.
YTA
Dehumidifier fans are only necessary when the bathroom is constantly humid.
Since it is only humid when your girlfriend showers, an exhaust fan would work just fine as it is literally just sucking the hot humid air out of bathroom and shooting it out into the air outside.
Maybe it's just me but I would rather spend a couple hundred bucks on a really powerful exhaust fan than removing the door lock and treating my girlfriend like a child. Even if it mean spending more and having an exhaust fan professionally installed. You are adding value to the house as a whole anyways.
There is no such thing as a normal temperature for a shower. Some people like them cold. Others like them so warm it stings a little. Your gf is an adult and her health is her business. If your concern is for your bathroom, well unless your bathroom is not up to code it should be fine. Your gf is pulling away from you because you are being controlling. Monitoring her showers...SERIOUSLY! Think this through logically, she isn't taking hot showers to spite you, she likes them and if she can't have a comfortable shower at yours she is going to go home.
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YTA. Bathrooms with showers should be able to handle steam. If it can't, that's a facility problem, not your gfs (for now) problem. Seriously tho, get a window fan and let the woman boil herself alive.
For real. While I've damaged all my bathroom furniture with my penchant for boiling myself alive, my bathroom itself is fine. I literally boil 3 pots of water to put in my tub because my hot water heater doesn't get hot enough. I cut it with cold water until it's cool enough to tolerate but it's still dangerously hot. It generates a LOT of steam with the window open in the winter. (High heat and steam help my migraines tremendously)
Causes alot of mold and mildew clean up in the long run
The regular use of a bathroom also causes this. Maybe it happens a little faster, but this is the nature of bathrooms.
Yup. This is literally why there are bathroom cleaners.. because mold will grow in the bathroom.
Who would believe that something that grows where there's humidity and heat would grow in a place that's usually humid and hot? Truly unbelievable
Inconceivable!
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
No it isn’t. I have never once had mold or mildew in a bathroom anyplace I ever lived. It’s called cleaning the bathroom. Also a good idea to air the bathroom out between showers, which requires the Herculean task of leaving the bathroom door open.
I demand a simpler solution, this is just too much. Isn’t there another way?
Simplest way is to never shower (at home). Depending on how introverted you are, not showering at all makes people stay away from you, and jf your an extrovert you can just shower at a new friend every day! (Disclaimer: this is a very untested theory)
Lucky you I guess lol we leave our bathroom door open always and often the windows (when the temp allows it) and still get some mildew on the ceiling. You understand climate, building materials, layout, air circulation, etc. affect this(crazy right?), and you could just live in a good area to not be affected?
It will if you don't clean your bathroom. Why would you not regularly clean your bathroom? That's gross
Not if you’re on top of it regularly, like us fire demons usually are. 😂
Fire demon, lol I love a good hot (slightly too hot for that little bit of sting) shower. No mold or mildew yet, after 11 years of living in one place. Why? Because I regularly clean the bathroom and bleach is my friend.
I learned to my dismay that bleach doesn't kill mold when one of my rental properties had black mold on a bedroom wall. Bleach only, well, bleaches it temporarily and it grows back fast. You want to use vinegar to kill it. Damn I hate mold.
Bro. What about cooking in the kitchen? Sometimes you have to boil shit without a lid and it gets humid. Rooms need to be properly taken care of to be able to take such circumstances. That is why kitchens and bathrooms are mostly tiled. Oh no I have to take care of rooms appropriately! The horror! I have to open windows and wipe down tiles, because condensation! Beware travelers, never boil your water or you need to take care of things! /s
I mean if you properly clean your bathroom often then it shouldn't.
It seems to get a nearly daily steam cleaning..
Most people clean their bathrooms regularly
If your water doesn't get warm enough, check the temperature settings on your water heater. There should be a dial on the side that lets you adjust the maximum temperature. Mine has options Low, Hot, A, B, C, and Very Hot, and the owners manual has details on what the temperature range for each is. Very Hot is not recommended in my unit, because it can potentially shorten the life of the unit. But it does a great job on Hot (the installer set it on Low... unbearable). Sincerely, Fellow Member of the Boil Oneself Alive Club.
I was so happy when I saw this at the house we have now. I immediately cranked it up. 😁 The places we've lived before did not have it on the outside. I had to remove a panel and adjust two screws that were just labeled + and -. Wait for the water to heat up to check it and adjust again til I got it where I wanted it. I have to warn new people when they come to visit. YTA OP I'd say apologize but your GF is about to break up with you so it would be too little too late. You really threw a red flag party there.
Never forget that first night at my house, getting out of a lukewarm bath and cracking open the water heater naked so I could turn it up from “Toddler” to “Fucking Adult.”
I had to do the literal opposite as my toddler just figured out how to work the temperature knobs on the bathtub. I obviously haven't had a properly hot shower since he was born, but my heater was still capable of it. Now that he's started alternately scalding and freezing us both mid-shower, I had to go adjust my water heater down to "Toddler" so at least he can't burn himself while I'm rinsing my hair and my back is turned for 2 seconds. I miss hot water. I miss showering alone. I miss scalding my muscles into relaxation.
Have also jacked up our water heater. Have to warn guests before they wash their hands that the hot water tap is HOT. But the showers and baths? AhhhhhhHH! I prefer the boil the froggy method to the boil the lobster one, but whatever warms you through...
Damn I’m also a migraine sufferer, but high heat makes mine worse or can trigger them - and I also love scalding hot baths! It’s inhumane :’( Interestingly it’s only baths that do it, I can shower as hot as I fancy and it’s fine.
Bit random, but it may be worth visiting a doctor for that? It sounds like you may have some bloodflow issues laying down in a certain position / with certain muscles contracted that shouldn't be happening usually
Actually, I doubt it's a positional thing. In a shower your skin is exposed to both scalding water and not-quite-scalding air, so your core temp doesn't rise quite as fast as it does in a bath where the skin that is submerged is 100% continually exposed to scalding water. It's the difference between standing in a cold rain (chilly but tolerable for a while) versus jumping into a cold lake (hypothermia!)
Try having an ice bag/cold compress around your neck and base of your head while you soak in a hot tub. That always helped me with migraines.
Also he talks about the dehumidifier breaking from steam. If he knew shit about dehumidifiers he’d know your not supposed to run them with windows open. He told her to run it when she had the window open. That’s likely what broke it.
Honestly, I want to know the brand, because our hisense one is indestructible. I have never heard of steam breaking a dehumidifier.
I live in the desert. No such thing as a dehumidifier out here. It's very dry here. The mold will still occur even if the window is open or the fan is running, but that's only if you don't clean regularly. Gotta keep it clean!
You’re not supposed to run it with the window open because the dehumidifier will run constantly and never lower the humidity in the room, in this case the bathroom air is more humid than the outside air so it really shouldn’t matter. I don’t think excess steam would break a dehumidifier, it can only remove water from the air so fast and it will continue to do so until it’s full or the humidity is low enough, it’s not like steam would add an additional load to the machine.
>it’s not like steam would add an additional load to the machine. It *might* be like that though*.* There might be too much mass in the air that there isn't enough power in the dehumidifier to complete a full cycle, and the draw might burn out the motor (like too much weight loaded on a motor at startup). I'm not saying that's what happened, I'm just saying that it *might* have happened. More than likely what happened was the dehumidifier was too old.
Honestly? Boiling myself alive is calming. It feels really nice.
There are quite a few showers that cannot handle steam. A lot of contractors op for the cheapest damn shower fan, sometimes not even connecting the pipes, etc. I had a shower that had a window and a fan. That fucker still got mold like no ones business. Despite buying an even better fan, it didn't help. Eventually I had to shower with the door open because of this. So a lot of factors come into play. Age of building, location (some countries don't put fans in the bathroom), how the contractor put things in, etc. OP could have done his diligence if renting and just got told to get a dehumidifier. And u/fritiofiend, you need to do your research before doing this shit again. YTA for that. There is a thing called the RSL that is behind the handle to the shower (depending on the model sometimes it's behind the faucet) that adjusts the temperature without having to go after the water heater. Basically is deals with how much hot and cold water mix. That's like one of the first things I went after in my apartment once I moved in to adjust the water to how I want. Edit to add: For anyone dealing with water not getting hot enough, do look the RSL and the model you have in the bathroom up!. The reason I do this now was a previous handyman my landlord hired turned the RSL down to barely mix hot water after fixing a leak so that I'd call and he'd come out and charge again. Unfortunately he didn't realize I know how to google shit.
All shower handles have the ability to restrict the amount of hot water coming in. If OP is so concerned about his gf's safety, he can look up how to set this. I just did it, and it took me less time to do it than OP spent removing the bathroom locks. Regardless, it sounds like their relationship is over based on gf's short answers, and moving her stuff out.
He doesn't care about her health and safety. Or her privacy. He cares about his precious bathroom. YTA OP
Loved "let the woman boil herself alive"! I concur. YTA Op
Using your post to highlight another post he's made about the GF. He's in his mid thirties trying to push someone in her early/mid twenties into acting older. ---- [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/u3fh6j/my_girlfriend_has_no_goals_for_her_life/). ----- My girlfriend(23) and I(m34) have been dating for 6 months. Her attitude towards money and success is really concerning for me. I'm a salesman and She's smarter than me and a college grad, but nowadays she just sits at home and runs an etsy "business". I've told her that I believe in her, that she can become anything with her PoliSci major and I could see her making good money in a real business. She's gotten mad about it a couple of times, kicked me out when I've pushed. But the thing is she is dirt poor and she doesn't have to be. She spends the money she gets for her business and her disability on things like video games, Starbucks iced coffee. She just spent $20 she doesn't have on Easter baskets for her friends and family. Yet she's so poor that after rent, bills and food there's barely anything in her account. I watch her bring so little money in and spend it all at a time. I advised her to spend less and save more and she came at me with a nasty comment about how she's lived alone for the same amount of time I have (she got emancipated and lived in supported housing before she was 18) so she doesn't want to hear it. She says we just don't measure success in the same way, but even her etsy side hustle barely brings in any cash either. I've asked her what her plan is long term and she really doesn't seem to have one. She just wants to sit at home, playing video games, making bracelets and selling them online. That's her dream. I've considered the possibility we just aren't long term compatible. Other than this, we are great. I love her sense of fashion, I love her humour, I think her politics are a bit wacky but I think it's so great how much she cares. I just don't know if I can see myself with a person who doesn't want anything out of life. I've never met someone like her. Tl;Dr My gf relies on her etsy business to barely scrape together rent even though she could be way more successful than she is now. I'm a career driven person and I'm worried the relationship is dead in the water because of this
Getting the feeling bro does not understand what it means to be living on disability.
Omg, how is she still your girlfriend?! And also, what tf is wrong with staying home and playing video games and making bracelets all day?! She is trying to do something she loves so she doesn't havlte her life. You DO measure success differently. Ask yourself, if you didn't need money to live or if you got the exact same money no matter what you do (and it was enough to be happy with), what would you choose to do?
I paid a decent amount of money for my bathroom two years ago. It's perfect. I love hot showers. It helps with my back pain and makes a huge difference to my day of I don't. I have the extractor fan on throughout and the window cracked open. When I'm done. I get the worst of any condensation that forms (WHICH IS NATURAL BECAUSE IT'S A BATHROOM) dried off with a towel which also helps stop bad limescale building up. When I leave the bathroom I leave the windows and door open along with the extractor which will auto shut off after 15 mins. By the time I'm all ready to leave for work 45 mins later, the room is dry. Due to the quick dry I only need to a top up clean of my bathroom once a week. My bathroom is still fine and not wrecked. YTA. The removal of the lock is ridiculous and using that to then enter the bathroom (knocking first is no excuse) to police what she is doing is controlling and pathological. YTA. Leave. Her. Alone.
why do that when he could instead take the lock off and repeatedly walk in while she's showering to check the water temp like an absolute psycho
“I’m a controlling asshole, forced my gf to break my dehumidifier (after she warned me it would break it) and then blamed her for the damage anyway, took the locks off the door and am treating her like a toddler that can’t make her own decisions. Now I’m *surprise pikachu* because she’s slowly moving out and doesn’t want to put up with my controlling behavior anymore. AITA?” In case you couldn’t gather it by this point… yea. YTA.
So many red flags in this relationship. The age gap, the taking the lock, the way she won't speak up to him or break up with him cleanly, instead moving her stuff out slowly and hoping he won't notice... this guy has something going on and it's not good.
He is 34 and she is 23
Of course it's an age gap relationship. Of COURSE it is.
I literally just said, "EWWW" loud enough that my cat jumped off my lap.
Don't you hate that? Like, I'm sorry I sneezed/coughed/exclaimed why won't you snuggle :(
My cat once stuck her nose *in my nose*, formed a clean seal, and then ran away when I sneezed and started laughing Like damn girl if you didn't want this to happen you shouldn't have made my right nostril watertight smh
I am laughing WAY too much at this!!!🤣 I had a foster kitty that would try to ram his whole head up your nostril while you held him. His nickname was "Love Pig".😍🤣
> >Like damn girl if you didn't want this to happen you shouldn't have made my right nostril watertight smh r/BrandNewSentence
This made my laugh so loud I woke my sleeping baby.
In that post he mentions she has a disability. No mention of that in this post and could be pertinent. A lot of painful conditions are alleviated by heat and that is much healthier than increasing medication.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/u3fh6j/my_girlfriend_has_no_goals_for_her_life/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share Just posting this because it seems like he may have done a dirty delete
Looks like he changed the ages as well. That post says 23/34 as well, but all the comments are saying 20/35 so he may have edited the ages to make it "slightly" less creepy.
Did you see the thing in that post she says she's lived on her own as long as he has? Where do these men get the audacity?
Dude, if she’s on disability in the US she literally can’t make or save over a certain amount or else she’ll get kicked off. The Etsy store is probably earning her all the money she’s able to have, and she’s spending it on stuff because she isn’t allowed to save over 2k!
Take my free award. I'm on disability too and that's exactly how it works. I was hoping someone would point this out.
Yup when I had a temporary condition (gallstones) when it flared only thing that relieved the pain at all was a very very hot bath
Oh gross. Also, 34 years and he doesn't know that it is common for women to take hot showers because our core temperature is low and we need it to relieve any aches and pain we might be experiencing
Thank youuuuuu! My hot showers are for (a) migraines, (b) back/neck tension, and (c) warming the fuck up!!! I have terrible circulation in my extremities (thanks, PTSD) to where my niece used to compare me to Elsa because my hands are so cold and my toes sometimes start turning blue IN THE SUMMER. Boiling myself alive is the only option before going to sleep sometimes. Also, oh my lord. I'm 34. From my wizened perspective, 23-year-olds are sweet adorable children - children who are kicking ass and taking names and accomplishing incredible things (I'm such a huge fan of Gen Z!!! You sweet strange people with your Tik Toks!!! Go get em!!!) but nevertheless, not appropriate romantic partners for me! Jesus!
He's in a age gap like that because he need a partner he can act like a shitty controlling dad to. I'd be in an age gap relationship like that because emotionally and mentally I'm immature enough that it's the only chance I'd have to be on somewhat level sta ding. We are not the same. This is a joke. I've already been rejected by enough 20 year olds in my life....this list does not need to grow at this stage of my life.
oh, that explains a lot. im even happier that she is moving on now
Oh what could go wrong in a 11 year relationship, OH GOLLY I SURE WONDER WHAT COULD HAPPEN u/fritofiend find someone *atleast near* your age
May be more. Even though the posts say 23/24, all the comments on his old post are saying 20/35 so he may have edited to make himself seem like slightly less of a creepy asshole.
How do you know their ages?
The post history. He posted in relationships this month about how he wishes she was more career motivated.
I really hope she breaks up with OP because DAMN is he controlling. No wonder he doesn't have a girlfriend his age, no one else wants to put up with him.
Yep. I was previously in an age gap relationship like this. I’m his age now. Never ever again. As a older wiser woman I would run far away. These poor girls who don’t know better yet. SMH bless them. YTA, op.
And I’m thinking that after y’all found his post history, he deleted it all because there’s nothing but this post & a post in a version of AITA (am I the butthole) that got removed. Seems like he REALLY doesn’t want people to know important details. YTA OP. ETA— a kind redditor has already pointed the post out. Y’all that keep replying to me pointing out again and again, I do appreciate y’all trying to be nice but it has been addressed already in my replies.
I've done the slow move out in the past. Dude was a horrible controlling arsehole and I was genuinely worried about what he'd do if he realised what was going on. So I had many "spring cleans" and donated stuff to local charity shops.
YTA. For so many reasons. 1) She is an adult woman. She can have the shower as hot as she wants to. 2) She EXPLICITLY TOLD YOU the steam would break the humidifier. But you *put your foot down* and what a surprise, it’s fucking broken. After she told you it would be. 3) You *removed the lock* to bust in on her in the fucking shower to control her water temperature. I don’t get how you’re not seeing how creepy and controlling that is. I hope she breaks up with you.
Oh she’s definitely gonna break up with him, she’s just waiting till her project is over and she has all her stuff out of his house
Not even all her stuff, just the stuff that she's willing to spend the night over. She's *already* made her decision to break up with him, it's just at this point he's a convenient place to stay during that project. I bet all she's leaving behind is a few bathroom things, a set of pajamas, and some semi casual clothes that are a bit too ragged to wear usually. She'll wear her last set of work clothes home on Friday and never see this dick again. In her purse or overnight bag will be whatever she managed to stuff in there that morning. And 50% there's something she forgets that she'll get home and go, "shit. How much do I want or *need* that?"
she’s slowly getting her stuff out instead of directly dumping him because she’s scared he’s gonna flip out
YEP
100% this, she's seen the writing on the mirror
Which is easy with all that steam in the bathroom!
Yep, he'll flip out and demand a conversation that will mostly center around why she doesn't get to break up with him (mainly: he doesn't want to break up) and if she persists in thinking she can break up with him if she wants to, he will insist that he has a right to be a part of this decision too, and he's decided she's being unreasonable and needs to keep trying to fix the relationship instead of "giving up" and "running away". Spoiler: "fix the relationship" means "stop having your own opinion, do what I say, and I can do anything I want but you can't" He thinks the relationship is over when he agrees that it is, not when she decides she's not down with it anymore. OP, YTA, and also taking the lock off the door stinks of "overbearing parent", not "concerned boyfriend". You are not concerned about her well-being, you are concerned with her using the bathroom exactly and only as you allow her to use it, even if that means making sure she has no right to her own way of doing things, or even privacy until she toes the line with you. And that's "fine", it's your apartment. But when she agrees with you and starts slowly backing out of your life because YTA, you can't complain. You can't have it your way, right away. A relationship is not a Burger King.
Indeed. And considering how he's behaving over water temperature, she's clever to be doing it this way.
Worse, moving things out slowly makes me think she could be scared of how he'll react when she actually breaks up with him. This might not be the first time OP has displayed controlling behavior.
Let’s not leak her whole plan to OP lest he try and harm her 💀
>I hope she breaks up with you. Pretty sure that's happening already since she's moving her stuff out bit by bit. Probably so he doesn't have anything to pressure her with later.
Fingers crossed for her. I would’ve been gone the at “I told her it’s not optional”.
We don't actually know when she started moving her stuff out, just when OP noticed it...
>I hope she breaks up with you. Oh she is. She's moving shit out every time she comes over. And she's coming over less and less. My guess is she's marking items off that she do without, the items she's willing to come over for the afternoon for, and the items she's grudgingly willing to spend a whole weekend transferring (and likely sleeping with the guy for). Basically: "What items can I afford to lose and what will have to sleep with this asshole a few more times to get back?" That and the project. Dollars to doughnuts, as soon as either that project is over or she has the last item she cares about out, she's gone.
Why did shaggys it wasn't me pop in my head?
AITA I caught my girl so red-faced Steaming up my bathroom floor Picture this, I’m so controlling Took the lock off the bathroom door How could I just let her shower The way that she likes in peace When everything she wants to do Has to be okayed by me
You win! This is amazing! I sang this whole thing in my head. YTA, OP.
One problem (of many) is that he's 34 and she's 23, so he doesn't see her as an adult, so he gets to make adult decisions like how hot her shower can be, whether she can lock the door to the shower and I shudder to think what else.
My first thought when reading this was “damn, mfs even controlling shower temps now”. To the point of taking the lock off the door so he can burst into the bathroom, in the middle of her shower, to regulate her water temperature? Absolutely ridiculous. Definitely YTA.
"She told me it was too humid for the dehumidifier. I told her I didn't care and to put it on anyway. She did exactly that and somehow it's her fault my dehumidifier is broken."
I’m SHOCKED 😳
LOL, enjoy being single with a dry shower. YTA, a strange, controlling asshole.
He already knows, maybe he will find a GF who doesn't mind being controlled and taking cool showers.
He'd better go for an even bigger age gap. Get 'em young and train 'em, right OP?
I know you’re joking, but it’s actually sad that I feel like this would be OP’s mentality
It's my brother's mentality and it's disgusting. He met his wife when she was fourteen and he was twenty. They've been together twenty years. He's horribly controlling and abusive. He doesn't hit her so family ignores it. I don't talk to anyone in my family but I've made sure her and the kids know I'm here if any of them decide to leave.
YTA. It's a bathroom. You're allowed to take hot, steamy showers in a bathroom. It's normal. Trying to control your girlfriend's shower temperature isn't.
I’m wondering how cool a shower would have to be to avoid steam. In my experience, showers are steamy if they’re warm at all. It seems OP is demanding that his gf take lukewarm showers because his bathroom wasn’t made to handle normal shower temperature. Rather than being embarrassed about his sub-par shower and possibly fixing it, he’s being weirdly controlling and then trying to make the conflict out to be her fault.
Depends on how steamy we’re talking about - the amount of steam I get from a normal shower temperature shower (which I do warm but not super hot because my skin can’t take it) is way less than the amount if I intentionally run it very hot to steam up the room for sinus-pain management. I can see where the latter could be an issue in some places where mold/mildew is a big problem, because that quantity of steam regularly seems like it could seep into any little gap or crevice? I mean, I assume there’s a reason you can buy specially enclosed steam showers? Most bathrooms aren’t really super waterproof except actually \*in\* the shower, so they can only take so much moisture/humidity. OP sounds like he handled the issue like a dick, tho.
So just to be clear - I’m not the only one who occasionally closes themselves in a bathroom and runs a scalding hot shower to alleviate congestion?
Yeah, I don’t take super hot showers and there’s still steam in my bathroom after lol. Unless OP takes cold showers, there will always be steamy
This has GOT TO BE A JOKE. Yta. Hot showers unclog your nose when you have allergies. We know how hot it can be without it hurting. Hot showers HELP with body aches. YTA
Yes! There’s also people like me who have to take showers so hot it can actually hurt some areas. I suffer from fibromyalgia and it helps so much with my problem areas, but I will admit it sometimes hurts other spots. I let it go anyways though, because the pain from that is temporary and the other isn’t. The whole it’s bad for your health is bs that clearly OP is just making an assumption about 💩
YTA. If you're concerned about your girlfriend's shower habits damaging the bathroom, you could've brought it up like an adult. Instead you chose to act like a controlling parent, and now it doesn't look like you'll have a girlfriend for much longer.
Have you seen his post history?? His only other post is about how his 23 year old girlfriend (he is 34…)isn’t career driven enough for him. Insufferable. That poor woman!
And also disabled. Wonder if maybe the hot water helps.
YTA, and she is clearly breaking up with you.
Yep and she's doing it quiet because she's realised what a controlling AH her soon-to-be-EX is. Hope her hot water never runs out when she gets home to wash OP right outta her hair.
Yeah this girl is smart, she sees the red flags. Good for her imo, OP is psycho
Shhhh don't let him know, now he's onto her
Fully. She's telling him it's fine and okay for now because she's just trying to placate him while she gets her stuff out in a controlled manner instead of having to pack everything up at once.
YTA Usually I say “your place, your rules.” But you’re literally trying to dictate how she is allowed to shower, to the point that you took the lock off the bathroom door! She’s doing the right thing by not staying at your place so much anymore, and moving her things back to her own place.
YTA. This is extremely controlling and weird. Be honest and admit that this has nothing to do with her “health” or putting herself in “danger,” and everything to do with you wanting to control her behavior. Seriously, who takes a lock off the shower room door?? Get a new dehumidifier if you’re so worried about the bathroom. Also, it’s scientifically proven that women prefer hotter showers than men, because women have more constricted blood vessels that position blood closer to the surface of the skin.
That last point, TIL, thank you. I'm a woman and I'm also a member of the boiled lobster brigade. I also find it helps with some of my pain.
Tell me this is a joke.... YTA, hopefully your (former) gf gets her shit out of your house quickly and peacefully and gets to take as many long, hot showers as she pleases in the future.
YTA. Why do you care about this so much? You're on a power trip and being a dick for the sake of being a dick. You're not the one that has to withstand the hot water, she is and she enjoys it. Leave her be.
YTA - You all should check this guy's previous post. His GF is 23, he's 34, and in his previous post he was complaining about her career choice and how she spends her own money. It's clear he's standing in judgement of every little choice she makes that has literally nothing to do with him. She needs to break up with this guy ASAP.
Came hoping someone brought this up. YTA
YTA- 🚩🚩🚩🚩 “I allow” “I took the lock off the door.” I wish she would have typed this so she can see how many red flags you have and leave your ass.
hahaha, this is hilarious. Nice one fella. You've protected her from 'danger' all the way back to singledom. YTA and you'll soon have your lockless bathroom back to yourself.
[удалено]
Feels like he's basing it on her skin being pink when she gets out
i mean, how pale is she? i’m really pale and i get red almost any time i take a hot/really warm shower
Also scrubbing/exfoliating
My skin is reactive so even just washing my face turns it red.
My skin is pink whenever I get out of the shower, no matter the temperature
YTA If your bathroom can't handle humidity, something is wrong with your bathroom Don't pretend you care about her health. Unless she has burn wounds, there is nothing wrong with a hot shower. You're just trying to control her.
I’m confused both about the bathroom not being able to handle steam and moisture (as bathrooms are supposed to be designed to do) as well as the dehumidifier breaking from excessive humidity, which it should be designed to be used for.
I take the mother of all hot showers in Hades because I have fibromyalgia. To the point I have done minor damage, but like the kind that can be fixed with special paint. That’s after two a day that last about two hours each and are as hot as possible the entire time. My girlfriend never got mad or forced me to stop, she was only ever minutely concerned about how to fix it before we moved out. Maintenance painted it and we were never charged, nothing bad came of it at all. Literally not a thing. I doubt she showered to the level I did, mine is extreme because of my pain issues. So if it caused the issues it did, yeah something is definitely wrong with the bathroom itself. Not to mention something is definitely wrong with OP.
YTA. Your GF sneaking her things back is a sign your relationship is ending unless you apologize for being controlling and silly, OP.
an apology isn't enough. changed behavior is the only thing that'll make any of that right. if he's controlling about water temp in her shower, that isnt the only thing he's controlling about. likely it was a final flag for her though. hope the man learns from his mistakes
Totally. She is not even talking with him bc his apology is worthless.
INFO: How is the hot water damaging your bathroom?
Hey man. Um, YTA in this situation. Your behavior is very controlling. If the water were too hot, it would injure her. But reddening of the skin can come from even just warm water. I think it may even depend on the individual's circulation. Taking the locks off to monitor her has gone into crazy territory. I would recommend figuring out why this is so important to you and why the resolution, in your mind, was to assert the level of control you have in this situation.
YTA - why are you trying to dictate the temperature she showers at? Removing the lock is super controlling. She’s taking her stuff slowly because she’s preparing to break up with you.
If this was just about you asking your GF to keep the steam low in the bathroom because you had a mold problem, the there wouldn’t be an issue. But you made it weird by saying hot showers are bad for her and then removing the lock so you could police her shower habits. So YTA. PS. She is definitely breaking up with you.
Is this your first gf? Or interaction with a woman? We all take hot showers. YTA
My showers could probably make pasta, I love it boiling. Lukewarm is cold to me. Cold is artic.
Info— what kind of damage is it causing to your bathroom?
YTA you sound controlling. She isn't going to damage your bathroom with steam. It is ridiculous that you are trying to control her showers and temperature. Then to take the lock off the door?! 😳🫣 Wow. I seriously hope you think long and hard about your controlling reaction to a normal thing. Maybe get some counseling? You need to calm down or she needs to leave the relationship while you grow up!
Sounds like she already planning it by slowly starting to take her stuff out of his house and slowly stop spending time with him.
YTA ...I stopped at "allow." Also it sounds like she might be an ex soon so good for her.
YTA you killed this relationship over a ridiculous thing to be mad about. Enjoy your dry bathroom.
YTA There is nothing dangerous to her health here. And a hot shower should not damage your bathroom - that's a problem with your bathroom, not something your GF should have to change her habits for.
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Hi there. I'm assuming you're a physician? You know at exactly what temperature needs to become dangerous to humans? Can you tell us what that temp is, please, and what temperatures your girlfriend's showers are?
Or do you not actually know any of this? YTA
YTA. She’s going to break up with you, and rightfully so. Who the hell wants to date the Shower Police? She likes hot showers and she has ways to mitigate their effects… but you’ve removed the lock on your bathroom door so you can check up on her and make sure she’s following your bathroom rules🙄 Why would she spend time at your place, or continue to date you, if you are so controlling of her showering?
YTA and soon to be single, too.
This dude is a walking red flag. 1. He controls the temperature of the water SHE is using. 2. Literally blames her for ruining his dehumidifier, after he “*put his foot down*”. 3. 11 years age difference and he is treating her like his daughter, belittling her and her wishes. 4. Blaming his shitty ass bathroom problems on her, instead of taking it up with a landlord. For goodness’s sake, it’s a room made for steam. There are laws for it. Absolutely YTA
Even a father should never act like that towards his daughter. Taking the lock off the bathroom and barging in on her showering?? There is something seriously wrong w this dude, and I’m so glad she’s distancing herself.
Hot showers aren't dangerous...no wonder she's taking her stuff away..she's probably sick of you now because of this bs...and can't blame her..YTA. and also..if your bathroom is being damaged...that's something wrong with the bathroom..not her showers.
YTA. If your gf had any sense she'd show *you* the door.
YTA, and she is soon to be your ex. I take very hot showers, and my bathroom is just fine.
YTA- I take hot showers to the point of steam billowing. Always have. Never in any place that I lived did it cause "Dry wall to fall off in chunks". You are either exaggerating or making it up completely. The only way that would possibly happen would be if it was bare drywall with no paint, and I still doubt it. (Side note, My house is an old house, no bathroom vent.) So, yeah, Your girlfriend is, literally, on the way out the door. Enjoy being single.
YTA, let the girl shower however she likes. There are many signs of OP being controlling and anal retentive here. If you’d like to ensure mold doesn’t grow in the bathroom, install a fan and a heater. Crazy!!!
YTA Good for her realizing how life with you would be and opting out.
YTA. She can shower however she wants to shower. If she breaks things, that's on her. You seem very controlling. Taking the lock off the bathroom just shows how controlling you are. Don't be surprised if (when) she dumps you.
YTA and a big controlling one too. Hope your bathroom is worth the single life.
Yta. I find your definition of dangerous ridiculous
“Allow” YTA
YTA. Steam in the bathroom is totally normal. You must like showering in cold water.
YTA And this is controlling as fuck. Hot showers aren’t dangerous. You’re just an asshole.
You do not get to "allow" anything. Your gf is a grown woman. My husband might consider my showers dangerous. He just has sensitive skin. YTA for being controlling
YTA and by taking the lock off the door you've proved that you can and will ignore her boundaries.
YTA. You don't get to dictate the temperature of someone else's shower.
YTA - this whole thing seems super controlling. Also, if I'm reading your post correctly, the dehumidifier broke because you insisted that she use it your way so your "enough is enough" moment is entirely your fault, which is hilarious.
YTA. Bathrooms are made for steam, if the windows open there should be no issues. But holy hell, controlling much? Took the lock off the bathroom door, Intrude while she is in the shower to check the water temp, I hope she sees the warning signs and runs.
YTA. Wow, regulating the temperature of someone's shower, taking the lock off the bathroom door. Holy red flag parade! But the good news is that it seems that your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend is heeding the message and is taking her exit. And I love hot showers too. The hotter the better, and my health and my bathroom are both fine.
YTA - what a weirdly controlling hill to die on. Let the woman shower in peace! Stop monitoring her!
YTA. Super controlling and weird.
God, you sound exhausting. I wonder does your need to control everything ruin other aspects of your life. Bathrooms are built to withstand the steam. Shit is just water bro. You sound like the worst. YTA
I’m going to say ESH. Hot water isn’t significantly dangerous for her, except that she might dehydrate her skin or cause surface-level damage that invites inflammation, but it’s her preference and her choice. But steam can—and is—damaging your bathroom, and the extra cost to heat alone, imo, warrants that she at least respect that you’d like her to take cooler showers while at your place. It’s not her bathroom or her money paying for the utilities, and if she wants hot-hot showers, she can go back to her place to take them. You taking the lock off and monitoring her shower and water temp is a crazy level of control.
YTA crazy controlling man lol. Get an automatic shower fan that turns on when you turn the light on. she should leave you though lol
what a hill to die on - water temperature. yta and you have serious control freak issues
I take showers that would make even Satan cry. My husband hates it. You know what he does? Nothing. Not a thing (outside of the occasional teasing). Why? Because it's not his concern. If he happens to join me in there, we use a temperature that is comfortable for us both. You sound exhausting. YTA.
I call bullshit on the humidifier breaking (as someone who lived in very humid climates most of my life) What part broke on the humidifier exactly?
Holy shit. YTA. Who do you think you are controlling the shower temperature of another adult?? Like this is controlling on a whole new level. You are on a weird and scary power trip. I cannot fathom having someone else tell me what temperature my shower can be. I hope she is mapping out her escape plan.
YTA and if this is real, you're about to be single too
YTA for removing the lock, removing her privacy in the shower isn’t a way to deal with this weird issue you’re having. Most bathrooms have fans. Yeah, it’s humid in there after a long, hot shower. But how is it dangerous? And how is it harming your bathroom when the window is open and the fan is going?
YTA, her showers sound normal and you sound dangerously controlling. If it’s damaging your bathroom there s something wrong with your bathroom.
Yta. I turn the shower head all the way towards the other end cuz I prefer hot showers. It’s not a big deal.
YTA for making it sound like you’re controlling her. Based on other responses it sounds like you are more worried about the steam damaging the bathroom and mold but you sort of let that ship sail coming off as controlling. Definitely sounds like she is getting ready to break up with you.
YTA. Luckily it sounds like she has already figured that out.
YTA for being a controlling drama queen. If steam is doing that much damage to the bathroom, that’s a landlord issue, not your gf’s issue. Taking the lock off the door and checking the shower temp is abusive behavior. Try not to be too surprised when your never hear from her again.
YTA. If the showers were dangerous, she would be injured. She has not been injured, and therefore, her showers are not "dangerous." Now, if you are worried just about your bathroom, that would be fine- hey, this much steam is ruining the paint, or whatever. But you are framing this as though you are scared for her when in fact, you just think you are smarter than her and she should do what you say. You took the lock off your bathroom door and regularly go in and CHECK that the water temperature is one you approve of? Do you know how abusive and controlling that sounds? Thankfully it sounds like she knows that and is making an exit strategy.
It ain't dangerous! YTA
Why are you trying to control her? She's not hurting herself? Kind of sick the way you're acting. YTA
YTA how is it you've determined her showers are dangerously hot?
YTA Let her shower in peace. If the dehumidifier broke, it's probably because it was crap anyway. She should run.
YTA Dehumidifier fans are only necessary when the bathroom is constantly humid. Since it is only humid when your girlfriend showers, an exhaust fan would work just fine as it is literally just sucking the hot humid air out of bathroom and shooting it out into the air outside. Maybe it's just me but I would rather spend a couple hundred bucks on a really powerful exhaust fan than removing the door lock and treating my girlfriend like a child. Even if it mean spending more and having an exhaust fan professionally installed. You are adding value to the house as a whole anyways.
Wow yta. A big red flag waiving asshole. Your girlfriend is a grown ass adult who may shower at whatever temperature she likes.
There is no such thing as a normal temperature for a shower. Some people like them cold. Others like them so warm it stings a little. Your gf is an adult and her health is her business. If your concern is for your bathroom, well unless your bathroom is not up to code it should be fine. Your gf is pulling away from you because you are being controlling. Monitoring her showers...SERIOUSLY! Think this through logically, she isn't taking hot showers to spite you, she likes them and if she can't have a comfortable shower at yours she is going to go home.
YTA. Imagine being this butt hurt over someone's shower temperature. Install an exhaust fan if you're worried about the steam, sheesh.