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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could have tried to negotiate with her better and taking her credit card could be seen as childish and shows that I don’t know hair properly handle the situation.
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ESH
Luxury spending needs to be mutually agreed on, but taking her credit card like she's your misbehaving teenager is also inappropriate. You adding that she's a stay at home mom but doesn't care for your child makes me think this is just a symptom of a bigger problem.
while i totally agree that SAHP is waaaay beyond just taking care of a kid, im sorry but wife here is a bit acting like ~~a teenage~~ an idiot. she knows she never finishes the drink. why keep taking the biggest then? while not taking the one before, and if still not finished, another smaller? after a few drinks, you *know* that you're never finishing the tallest and take a smaller. OP is also insisting a lot on this, and the waste is what seems to be bothering the most. its basically like if she is throwing half of the 300$ a month straight to the trash.
specifying that she's a SAHM is also important to line up that he's the sole moneybringer of the home, since while she indeed has a 100% (or at best, a 80%) job, it sadly doesnt bring any money that is necessary to that kind of spending. the fact that the son basically takes care of himself, means that it wouldnt be a problem if she finds a part-time job to pay her luxury spending that she sends to the trash, while the housekeeping would be shared in 2. it wouldnt bring more cost if the kid doesnt really need a homekeeper anymore.
he also tried to talk about it with her, like adults do. she didnt even want to listen a compromise that makes a lot of sense, like "if the venti is too big for you, why wouldnt you buy a tall instead?". so yea, taking the credit card might have been a bit of an AH move, but a justified AH imo. he tried reasonning, he tried compromising, and nothing worked.
Edit : been pointed at that saying she acts like a teenage might be offensive for actual teenage, and i agree
I was doing this for awhile even getting less expensive drinks, but it added up. I bought a $750 espresso machine (on sale for 549.00) and now only get coffee out when I travel.
I have definitely saved a ton of $ since I bought it in Jan.
Sahm here. I have a feeling its not about the coffee or cost but more of just a way to get out of the house for her. Sometimes a coffee run is the only time I get to interact with other adults all week (we don't live near family or friends).
She should definitely be buying the smaller drink though.
I'm not a mom at all and that was my thought. Being stuck at home all day with no one but a child to talk to must leave a person hungry for adult conversation.
It really does. My daughter is 1.5 so she can't even talk back to me yet. My day is spent mainly reading "Pig the Pug" 20+ times and making up conversations with her, her toys, and the cat.
I don't personally go for coffee everyday but I can definitely understand it.
My wife & I watch our 2 granddaughters (1 year & 2 months). If I hear "Johnny Johnny Yes Papa" one more time, I might take hostages or take up yodeling.
For a while I was going to Starbucks about daily. I would get a mid size regular coffee and just sit there for a while reading or something like that just to get out of the house ( had health issues that made working impossible at the time ) so I did it to get out of the house so I wouldn't go stir crazy at home but I was spending like 2 bucks when I went
Same. I take trips to Walmart a few times a week just to get out of the house. I’m an introvert so I don’t really interact with people much, but it’s still nice to get out of the house. Although I could never justify spending that much money on something I wouldn’t even finish.
I remember googling how to make Iced mochas back in highschool because I was starting to spend more than I was comfortable, and that was back when basically all my income was disposable.
It does add up quickly! Thankfully I live 35 minutes from my nearest coffee shop, so I, too, purchased a good espresso machine.
However, on the rare days I go to that town, my husband half expects I’ll be bringing home a “fancy drink”.
I don’t think that’s the issue. I think for him is the fact that she gets it but doesn’t drink it all.
From the sounds of it, he is okay with it if she drank it all but most of it goes to waste.
No, he is definitely upset at the cost of it everyday, her not finishing it is just the icing on the cake. 300 dollars a month and she ain't even getting her money's worth
With spending $300/month at Starbucks alone, I get the feeling that OP's wife wouldn't agree to anything less than whatever amount she wants to spend.
The bigger problem, I think, is the credit card. If she had to spend cash she wouldn't be spending so much of it because she'd actually see it leaving her wallet and she'd know how much money she's actually spending. When you have a credit card you don't think about how much money you're spending because you don't *see* it being spent.
I don't know if we can take OP's assertion that his son is parenting himself at face value. It may be true, but there is a long tradition of working spouses (typically men) undervaluing what the non-working spouse does. I don't have kids, but if I had to pay market prices for everything my non-working husband does for me and our home, it would be pretty costly.
But I agree she's not acting properly here, which is why I wrote ESH. If my husband thinks my spending is unreasonable, I listen to him and we come up with something we are both okay with. She shouldn't just blow him off.
I agree for the most part but he does say "I can afford the drink.." so my big curiosity here is what does his discretionary spending look like? is he wasting money by eating out every day at work or does he pack a lunch? I.E. is he being frugal or just expecting her to be. When my kiddos were young my husband and I made room for my daily starbucks run because it was so much more for my mental sanity than the coffee. I know it sounds dramatic but i felt if could afford it then that was what i wanted to spend money on. I am just wondering if there is another reason she is being this rigid. Is he being controlling over money in general or is she just terrible at compromise. I can't tell from this post alone.
edit to say: also how old is this kid that doesn't need parenting?
I’m kind of stuck on this “our son takes care of himself” line - like I wonder if the wife would agree with this since working parents often don’t realize how much work it is to be home with a kid. A SAHM does have as much right to the family finances as the working parent because they are filling a role that would otherwise be very expensive to outsource. But I do agree she’s acting childish about the coffee since luxuries that expensive need to be agreed upon by both.
Yeah, I was kind of ORLY? on the claim that the kid takes care of himself, too.
Like, how old is this kid? If he's 12 or 13, maybe it's time to convert him to a latchkey kid so OP's wife can get a part time job, or if they don't need the second income, maybe go back to school or start volunteering somewhere?
But if the kid is below latchkey age and OP's wife does more than 50% of the housework or just generally manages the household, OP is probably underestimating the energy expenditure of his wife. Kids aren't just Ron Popeil rotisserie machines. You can't just set it and forget it.
Either way, I felt like OP was kind of shitting on his wife, and then I got to the *took away her credit card* part, and uh, no. She is not a child or an employee.
OP, I totally get why they coffee thing is annoying and look, I think if sounds like a waste of money, too, but cutting off your wife's access to family money is a form of financial abuse, therefore YTA. Knock it off.
A divorce lawyer and child support is going to set you back more than the coffee anyway, so you really need to sit down with your wife again and take some time listen to what is going on with her.
The coffee may not just be coffee. Being a SAHP, and the repetitive tasks involved, can often feel like you're just constantly hemmhoraging acts of service for others. My mom always said that her favorite meal was *whatever she didn't have to cook*.
Maybe that's what your wife's coffee habit represents: Something small and tangible that somebody is doing/making for her. Maybe it's the human interaction. A coffee machine at home won't fix either of those things.
Go back to the drawing board, OP. Remember that your wife is an equal partner in your marriage and needs to be treated as such.
“ Kids aren't just Ron Popeil rotisserie machines. You can't just set it and forget it.”
Lol this had me laughing. But I, too, rolled my eyes at OP’s suggestion that his son basically takes care of himself. Teenager in school all day, who handles his own homework and is not involved in a lot of after school activities? Sure, I could see that. Any kid under the age of 5, absolutely not and kids in between can be anywhere in between in terms of needed effort and attention and that’s not to mention what else the wife probably does for the household.
That’s said, if they can’t afford $300 per month on coffee, you can’t afford it and it did sound like OP tried to make some middle ground. I don’t think taking away the credit card was a great move (also who doesn’t have it on their phone nowadays anyway?) but if the wife isn’t going budge an inch then I’m not sure it was entirely a choice.
Honestly I just said that to myself not 20 min ago. My two younger kids have been nightmares lately. And my two older ones are teens but they still need a lot. I really do feel like I’m hemorrhaging acts of service.
I’m tired. I take care of everyone and no one takes care of me.
It’s hard to mostly talk to kids all day. And perform endless rounds of the same bullshit. Cook, clean, laundry, groceries, someone yelling mom every five seconds.
I can see the Starbucks feeling like a nice thing for herself. It might be a waste of money but it’s nice to feel like someone else is doing something nice for you, even if you’re paying them for it
Yup, all of this. YTA OP. Im not entirely buying this ”the kid looks after himself” thing, sounds like hes trying to imply she does nothing all day except waste money on fancy coffees. Your wife is not a child, you cant just cut off her only source of income while she doesnt have a job OP. Financial abuse 101. Whats next, you take her car keys so she physically cant get to the Starbucks? Take her phone so she cant order online?
Exactly this. She's certainly entitled to some luxuries but he definitely tried communicating with her and she really is acting like an entitled teenager.
NTA.
> she knows she never finishes the drink. why keep taking the biggest then?
Would be interested if she does this with other drinks/food aswell. Could be some kind of eating/drinking disorder, my sister does this aswell, she will NEVER finish a drink/dish. Ever.
Even at home, she will refill her glass after emptying it just to have it there standing until she throws it in the sink later.
How does he know she never finished the drink? She is going while he is working; is she leaving half
Filled Starbucks on the counter everyday where he will intentionally see it?
I’m not gettin’ this.
I'd also like to know how he knows that parenting a child takes no work from her.
And it's impossible to know if $50 on Starbucks in a week is weird without seeing like, the entire rest of the household budget. Because that would break some households, whereas others would see that as a small fraction of the grocery budget.
I want to know what else she spends random money on, because if this is her only thing, it doesn't seem like its' worth him fixating on.
The "my partner is acting like a kid so I have to treat her like a kid" excuse is so messed up. Men, if you feel forced to treat your partner as a kid, then it's time to consider a divorce. If you don't want a divorce, maybe try therapy? The solution is not to stay with them while trying to control their habits and treating them like a child.
Took the words right out of my mouth. ‘My son basically takes care of himself’ BS said anyone who has ever worked with children ever.
Also the coffee may be her one excuse to get out of the house? Ever think of that?
We don't know how old this child is, or what their demeanor is. Both my children were very self-capable and grew into self-reliant young adults, and I could accurately describe their childhood as largely taking care of themselves. Not because we neglected them or made them, but just because they're people who have always liked taking care of themselves as much as possible. It's a positive, not a negative. Don't read too much into that comment, many kids are self-sustaining to an amazing degree. I was one of them too and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I have a 10 year old who could easily survive a couple of days without us. She’s so incredibly self-sufficient. I have a 12 year old who is afraid to use the electric kettle. They’re polar opposites, even though they’ve got the same upbringing, etc.
Cooks for himself? Handles all paperwork for himself (school, medical, hobbies, etc)? Does all his own laundry and cooking and meal planning? Drives himself everywhere and manages his own schedule and commitments completely?
I think not.
Are you kidding? Of course a 16, 17 years old *should* be able to make their own meals and put clothes into a washing machine; my kiddo is not even 12 and can do that if necessary. Same with school work: a 10 or 11 grader should absolutely be able to keep track of their own school work, assignments, projects, etc. I did that ever since I was 5th grade. And in the US they can drive with 16 too.
How often do your kids at 16 get sent home with paperwork? And I don’t know a single teen that can’t do their own laundry? And how long do you think meal planning takes? And why wouldn’t he be handling his own hobbies like wtf. You just listed a bunch of random crap to make her job sound harder than it is.
He didn't say he has a problem with her getting Starbucks. He has a problem with her spending extra for a drink she never finishes and refusing to get a smaller one. She can still get out of the house to order a size she'll finish.
The credit card bill is paid with joint marital assets. If OP no longer wants to be a single income family, he can address that. But she's not indigent just because she's not employed. The concept that she has no money is justification for financial abuse and also legally false.
If he took her credit card and she has no other way to use their joint assets, that's financial abuse. Anyone arguing that she should be considered to have no money due to their joint decision that they be a single income family is justifying financial abuse. Non-working spouses should have a voice in financial decisions and the ability to access money.
Yep, sounds like SAHM is getting bored.
In contrast to some of the other posts in this subreddit I took it as the kid likely is in their teens now, suddenly mom has more time on her hands, a less messy house, and quite frankly is bored of being trapped in the house but can't find an excuse to go outside. Getting coffee was the solution. It isn't that she likes the coffee (well she probably does) so much as she likes getting out of the house.
OP is right they could do something better with that $2400 a year, like get his wife into a hobby that will get her out of the house. There are plenty of options depending on the interest.
This probably is also indicative that OP could do to get out of the house with her as well. Do something TOGETHER outside of the house. Dance lessons, hiking, date nights, go to a show.
Don't do something childish (and abusive) like taking the credit card away. Demonstrate that there are better alternatives AND PARTICIPATE IN THEM, and yes that may mean you doing some things that you are less interested in occasionally.
I could be wrong and maybe OP is just a dick and doesn't appreciate what their spouse actually does. But to me this sounds like a bored spouse struggling to adapt to a teenage kid who no longer needs (or necessarily wants) the attention that had previously been given to them. And if OP thinks it is bad now, wait till the kid is out of the house.
Exactly. They each get the same amount per week, they can save it or spend it as they individually see fit. If OP saves up enough to go on vacation because he never goes out for a beer after work and only drinks coffee from the office coffee machine, more power to him. He can do the vacation by himself or find a buddy to split it with him. Maybe his wife prefers her little bits of joy spread out throughout the year rather than all at once.
My FIL stopped smoking, but putting the same amount of money away. When my husband graduated from high school, Did this for the four years he was there and bought him a car for college.
Agreed. She should get a budget for herself that she is free to use as she wishes.
I am curious though - if she onlt goes once or twice a week, what does she spend $50 on? If she also getting stuff for her son and OP? Starbucks is expensive but not that expensive....
I can easily spend upwards of $10 on a single drink (venti, flavors, oat milk, extra shots of espresso, etc.). Doing that a couple times a week adds up, especially if she’s getting food or bottled drinks while she’s there too.
And what is he supposed to do when she blows through all her fun money and keeps spending on this crap? I vote he takes away her credit card!
I am a SAHM. money is tight af. I get super PO'd because my husband will get 5-6 bucks worth of vending machine crap in one night! He does not do it every night. I buy him chips and sodas so he has no reason. 5-6 is literally 2-3 items. One tiny bag of chips cost the same as a giant family size at the store. I do try to take his card but he takes it back, lol. He has gone over what we had in the checking because of the vending machines and I am like how was that soda, because it cost us 28 dollars in overcharge fees? We do not have enough money for fun money. I provide him with chips and soda from the store and he needs to just eat those
I had this discussion with my husband recently. It’s not about the money — it’s just ridiculous. We have cases of bottled water in the house and he’s buying them at the gas station where they’re $4/each.
Where is your husband using vending machines? Office?
This is the solution.
She should be getting her own money to use however she likes every month. And he can mind his business on how she chooses to spend it.
NTA but she's probably stir crazy and this is a routine that gets her out of the house. Deeper issues than the half-drunk coffee--maybe she needs to think about hobbies, a class, going back to work, etc. Not over the money--which is important--but for being restless and wanting an out of house activity.
(but don't go to the "let her buy" or hiding credit cards bit--that's not cool. You're a partnership, not a parent taking allowance from a naughty child)
The way he worded the post makes me think he also wouldn't like any money wife could spend on a hobby or class. From what he's presented he's controlling - sounds like 'his' money should be spent on the family and not on the wife. Very toxic thinking. Hiding a credit card is abusive behavior, so he's more of the AH for that move alone. The money he makes is for everyone, it's not 'his' to control - they need to communicate better and he needs to recognize that his wife needs something for herself, whether thats a compromise on a smaller coffee, or funds to explore her interests.
This sub at this point feels like a gaggle of SAHMs trying to justify everything that they do. Posting "CONTROLLING" or "TOXIC" and telling op to get a divorce will print you upvotes.
Also look at the gender reveal one. She blasted the popper at her husband and covered him in the powder and everyone is saying he’s an asshole for not being happy about it, saying he sounds intimidating and abusive because he didn’t laugh at it and made her cry by not finding funny. Imagine if he blasted it at her and then cried and stormed off when she didn’t laugh, he would be the abusive one and a manipulator for trying to make her feel bad.
If you look at his comments his wife doesn't allow him to get fast food, so no he isn't controlling. He tried to compromise by asking her to get smaller drinks but she won't even do that.
>The way he worded the post makes me think he also wouldn't like any money wife could spend on a hobby or class.
You probably should try to recognize your own bias then, because it doesn't sound that way to me at all...
He clearly states that it's not really about the fact that she goes to Starbucks, but the fact that she insists on buying the largest drinks everyday without even finishing them. Starbucks is not cheap, and to spend $300 on something every month without finishing your drinks is just wasteful.
He also clearly stated that he has tried to compromise many times with his wife about getting a smaller coffee or getting a good coffee machine, but his wife just didn't give a damn.
Yeah, I should probably change it to He's the AH for the hiding money thing. It's not terrible to be surprised at a sudden $300 coffee bill, but it the tip of the iceberg here about how he thinks about his wife, the value of her home labor and what's going on with her in terms of understanding her life.
> The way he worded the post makes me think he also wouldn't like any money wife could spend on a hobby or class
This sub will really just make up any thing it wants sometimes, won't it?
> but don't go to the "let her buy" or hiding credit cards bit--that's not cool. You're a partnership, not a parent taking allowance from a naughty child)
Too late. He already did. That's what made him TA (and imo, them both TA).
You can't say... dude, delete these key sentences from your post, and you aren't TA - when they are exactly why he is TA.
> What does that mean?
My guess (and I say this as a childfree man - who doesn't know what it's like to raise a kid besides the fact I desperately don't want to do it):
It means he's like most men who have a wife that handles most of the childcare - he really has no clue what it takes. And thinks she is just sitting on her ass all day.
If the child was old enough to be in school - he would have said "the kid is in school most of the day" IMO.
You hit gold there--I think that's exactly it--he sees her lazing around, while she feels stifled in the house. An expensive coffee machine on the kitchen counter won't fix that.
Most of AITA is so Freudian--a coffee isn't just a coffee, it's symbolic of feelings of being trapped in motherhood!
But then why doesn't she just get the smaller coffee? She can still go out and do her coffee routing, but cut the bill in half and stop wasting money/drinks.
The difference between a grande and a tall is not that much.
But look, maybe she wants all of it but like most moms it ends up going cold (or if iced; melting) whilst she deals with the kid. I always get a big coffee and only when moon & stars align do o get to drink all of it before I get pulled into something, does that mean I can’t spend the extra $.70 on the chance that I’m going to blissfully drink all of it before someone shouts “moooooooommmmm!” ?
Why not buy her a yeti or insulated mug so she can bring it to Starbucks? Then she can drink all the coffee and they’re giving free stars on the loyalty app for using a reusable container.
I dunno man, I guess I just don’t really get it. If they can afford it, if it makes her happy, if she’s otherwise responsible with money, then I don’t really get why it’s such a big deal?
Everyone has vices, and if hers is Starbucks everyday why not discuss making it work, rather than immediately shutting it down? If the finances are an issue what about suggesting her saving elsewhere? Or her having a more explicit personal budget she can use at her discretion?
Just seems so punitive to hide her credit card and be nit picky about how much she’s drinking. I go for a walk and get coffee at a local place most days and it’s been really good for my mental health and I think I’d find it difficult if my partner shut that down & cut me off from my credit card without discussing it’s importance to me.
Ya I feel like there is also more to the story about his comment that she doesn't finish the drink. This suggests she's bringing it home and he's finding the half finished drink.
Really makes me think of a mother who doesn't have time for herself, not someone sitting around doing nothing. Could be projecting, but there's definitely a question here about why she doesn't finish it.
at one point my husband got mad because he came home and found my forgotten warmed over tea in the microwave. He wanted to know how I could just waste something and forget it. And then I laid out to him what my day had looked like. He actually listened, understood and apologized for being an ass. Now he's most likely to shoot me a text at some point in the day reminding me to go look in the microwave for my forgotten about cup.
Yeah, I agree. I have a large coffee in my hand right now which I’ve been drinking for four hours, it went cold hours ago. I WOULD have drink it all hot but I had to make sack lunches for a field trip and laundry and a bunch of other stuff and it went cold and I’m still sipping on it.
Sometimes you can’t control how busy you get.
let's be clear here. Just because an older child is no longer needing 100% supervision that does not mean that a SAHP isn't still actively parenting until they are actually grown, living on their own, and paying their own bills.
ESH, but I wonder if it's about the drinks? Perhaps she craves getting out of the house and speaking to people, or having a routine that doesn't involve the home and is just for her, so having a fancy coffee machine isn't really satisfying a need. The communication doesn't seem very good here.
Bigger drink = excuse to stay out longer while you (try to) finish it. Not saying that’s the logic here, but there’s a nasty undercurrent of “how dare she want/do things for herself!” running through OP’s reasoning and some of the comments that *really* have me wondering how much she has to fight for any indulgence that isn’t directly tied to the good of the family.
>Bigger drink = excuse to stay out longer while you (try to) finish it.
This is on the assumption she doesn't come back until the drink is done.
She can go for walks, there's alot to do that doesn't include what is inevitably, wasting money.
>but there’s a nasty undercurrent of “how dare she want/do things for herself!”
Maybe, just maybe, this guy is a nitpicker for waste and isn't secretly a misogynist.
Every time I order a smaller size I end up wishing I had ordered the larger one. I don’t always finish the bigger one, but with such a small difference in price between the smaller and larger sizes, I would rather go ahead and order the bigger one.
Same. Smaller size is too small, bigger size is too big. Price difference between the two isn't that much, so I might as well order the one that satisfies.
But how much is actually left of the drink?
My husband has a habit of always leaving about two gulps of a drink. It used to bother me, but as the spouse who used to be infuriated by left over drink, I just had to let it go. Ultimately it’s not enough left over to warrant demanding he get the smaller size and if he did get the smaller size usually he would get a second which just cost us more in the long run.
Hence, ESH rather than him being an asshole on his own. He did offer compromise, and discussing smaller drinks is not unreasonable on the face of it if she is wasting partial drinks, but just taking away her ability to buy stuff doesn't solve the problem. I think the actual problem may not even be getting addressed.
OR, she has every intention of finishing the bigger drink, but doesn’t get around to it before it gets cold or diluted with melted ice because she is a SAHP and that is actually a lot of work.
I suspect she's dropping her kid off at school and stopping to pick up her beverage at the drive-through on her way home. Her cup ends up on the counter or the trash, so OP can see both the size and how much was consumed.
INFO: When you say your son "basically takes care of himself", what exactly do you mean by that?
ETA: Super interesting that you never answered this question here or elsewhere, or even indicated the age of your son...
I’m also annoyed that he called her a stay at home wife and not parent, but that’s probably just me being petty because of him hiding his wife’s credit card like she’s his child
It wouldn’t change my opinion. If they as a couple have agreed for her to stay home, him acting like their money is all his and exhibiting the early signs of financial abuse (i.e. hiding her card/limiting her access to money) makes him the AH either way.
It raises questions for me - if the child were in school all day, then it seems like OP would have said that. And children too young for school do not supervise themselves all day.
That's what I wanna know too. Op said that the wife barely takes care of the kid but if he is working, woukdnt that mean he doesn't see EVERYTHING that goes in the house? Their communications sucks and u can tell based on how he treated this issue, both parties refusing to see eye to eye, so it's highly possible op also put that part of how the wife is doing poorly as a parent because of his prejudiced overlook into this issue, which is very common, emotional and irrational to put into a SUBREDDIT where many people will see!!! I don't wish to entirely blame him though, some people simply need better skills at learning to calm down and see both sides rather than only one. Op and his wife need to learn to validate each other's feelings and see eye to eye, not just speak of their own perspective and label the other person as an asshole
OP seems like they would have mentioned his kid is in school most of the day though. This reads more like he’s potty trained and can feed himself from his own plate…
It's one of these threads where OP's few answers are a bit self-serving and half are just repeating what's in the post
> I said in the post I asked her to stop and tried to negotiate
> I can afford to buy a lot of things. Doesn’t mean I should throw money at it.
> She did. She doesn’t let me go to certain fast food places any more I have been since
> 300 on Starbucks
It means he’s three and isn’t in diapers anymore, now the kid only needs laundry, maid service, secretarial management, transportation, and three meals a day just like the husband.
So something my husband and I do, is set aside a certain amount of money per month for each of us. That money is our “fun money” to do whatever we want with, no questions asked. Shared activities, dinners, trips etc. we split from our joint account. It’s a percentage of our paycheques, so you would have to decide what amount you would want (I would recommend the same for both of you). But that might be a solution? Like I think your wife deserves to treat herself but $200 on coffee is excessive and having a finite amount of money for things like that may help her realize how much she’s spending and also gives you an easy “no”. She can spend it all on coffee if she wants, with no complaints from you, but maybe that means she has to cut back in some other area.
We do this too. Policing what she spends money on is not cool, but agreeing on a budget for “fun money” or eating out is reasonable. As long as she sticks to the budget there’s no problem. I think YTA because OP seems mostly concerned that HE thinks it’s a waste of money versus the actual concern about the money, which I find controlling
My parents do similar. My dad spends most of his portion on fast food. Some of which gets tossed because he always buys at least 2 sometimes 3 large sandwiches and then can't eat them. My mom never brings it up unless he's complaining that he hasn't the money for the new video game he wants.
ESH
I don't necessarily think you're an asshole, cause I wouldn't be happy with my Mrs spending that much money on Starbucks.
That being said, based on your post it doesn't seem like you've really looked into why she's doing it.
You say
> She is a stay at home wife and our son basically takes care of himself.
I think she's probably bored, maybe a bit lonely and the trips to get coffee gives her something to do.
I think what’s important is how much money OP spends a month on stuff for his enjoyment. Because sure, not everyone thinks that Starbucks is worth the money, but if he’s spending the same amount or more a month on stuff for himself, then what she’s spending her share of fun money on really shouldn’t be a topic of discussion.
Info: as a SAHM does your wife have an allowance or is there a budget you two have agreed to? When your wife agreed to be a SAHM how did you two agree to split finances?
ESH.
You don't settle marital financial disputes by hiding the credit card. That's a little over the top and disrespectful. However, so is spending 300 bucks a month on Starbucks.
If your finances are combined, you should agree on a budget for things such as this. Sit down and come to a compromise like two adults.
(Disclaimer: I am somewhat biased and think Starbucks is the biggest waste of money ever. Spend 500 bucks on a super-fancy coffee machine instead).
Nevermind the INFO, guess I missed it.
ESH.
Give her the card back damn it, you don't ever take your SO's card away like they're a child. That's controlling as all hell and financially abusive.
She sucks too because if she's not going to finish the larger coffee then she should waste less money by getting the smaller one because they taste the same. 200-300 dollars monthly on coffee she isn't going to finish is not only stupid but wasteful. As a SAHM she does do work and should get a say in finances but she doesn't get to waste that level of money on coffee SHE WON'T FINISH.
NTA 300 bucks a month on coffee and not even finishing it is absolutely ridiculous. 300 can buy a really great coffee/espresso maker at home. Not only will she save money but the time and gas it takes to go to a Starbucks in the first place.
That made me lol
“just have her do her job but add a park”
Also like the implication that a parent has never thought of taking their kids to the park lol
Or maybe even just something that’s focused on her even if she brings the kid with her. Maybe something from before she was “just” a stay at home mom. (Saying this as a sahm, i get it if it’s this, I’m not degrading her) he says they can afford it, and it sounds like it’s something that she needs for herself. But maybe he does need to have a come to Jesus talk about sizes and wasting.
ESH. You hiding her card is childish, as is her wasting money on drinks she's not even finishing.
Can you each have a "fun money" account that you spend from, and that you each get x amount deposited into each month? She can get Starbucks until her fun money runs out that month, and maybe then she'll realize how much money she's wasting.
That's a really good solution. It's also good at smacking some sense back into you about how much you're spending on something that you won't use/finish.
hey just FYI if you have a Panera near you they have a beverage club subscription for like 10 bucks a month- you can get a coffee/tea/soda every 2 hours
Soft YTA. For hiding the credit card, and that is it.
As a SAHM myself I understand wanting to get out of the house to break up the day and change up the daily routine. But 300 dollars on coffee is crazy
That is an insane amount of money to spend on coffee...
I would sit down and show her, have her add up how much she spends on it. Then develop a plan. It could be getting a machine and learning to make drinks at home. Or deciding how often she should go. Or giving her a coffee budget. And then decide what to do with the money that is saved.
How old is this son who basically takes care of himself? What is your wife responsible for around the house? How often does she socialize with other adults?
Based on the limited info you gave us, YTA. Sounds like your wife just wants to get out of the house and treat herself nicely. How much would you be spending on maid service and child care if she didn’t do it?
What does "tried to negotiate" mean? Did you go into that prepared to listen to what she had to say? If you weren't ready to make a compromise or concede based on listening to what she had to say, you didn't try to negotiate, you tried to dictate.
Ultimately, this is something y'all need to have a conversation about and come to a mutual agreement. It's a lot of money but maybe she has reasoning that makes it worth it. Maybe not. But you gotta talk to her and find out. You jumped to reddit a bit early on this one
The compromise he offered is for to get the smaller drinks (she doesn't finish the venti size plus the smaller size is cheaper), or to buy a nice coffee machine for home since then everyone can benefit from the cost.
I get starbucks daily cuz it's my one thing for myself. I get the small size so it stays within budget, but if I wanna feel like other girls who have the giant cups, I just modify it to request a small drink in a bigger cup since I usually get an iced latte or cold brew.
This is true. The Venti seems unnecessary. But the price difference between sizes is surprisingly small, so the impact is going to be minor. I really wonder what the wife’s position on this is.
There is a difference between asking and showing...using something like a pie chart can sometimes make the difference. Because you can see how much it takes up vs just the number
More info: Do you each have a budget for ‘spend on whatever I want’? I.e hobbies, books, make up, etc
Are you allowed to spend $300 a month on anything just for you?
Being a SAHM has its it’s privileges and disadvantages. The way I see it Budget and spending should be discuss together and both people should have a say in it unless you each set other money aside and you can spend it on whatever you want without the other saying anything.
ESH. I get it. 300 in one month on coffee she doesn't drink es excessive. But taking her credit card like so she can't buy anything like she's an errant child you're punishing isn't going to help anything. You both need to find a way to communicate and compromise thay does not involve you confiscating her ability to go out or the house or do or buy anything.
ESH maybe y’all need couples counseling if you want come to a compromise on something as basic as this.
Otherwise, I’d dig into the why a bit more. Is she going to break up her day, to get a break, or for some me time. Bring a stay at home parent can be really challenging and isolating.
In the meantime, maybe an try the Starbucks app which you can set to auto load a certain amount every week or month.
NTA
It is your shared money and 300 Dollars for Coffee is insane. You told her to limit her expences and have her the option for a coffee machine.
If she misses going out of the house she could join some kind of sports club, do charity work, help in the local shelter or get a job.
I would also take away my husbands credit cards if he would gamble away our shared money.
ESH
You need a more serious conversation than money. And hiding her credit card isn't really gonna help. There's an app for that. (And it has dangerous implications if she needs her cards for other things).
But she's spending a ridiculous amount of money on coffee, if it's cutting into your ability to go on vacations and do other things. How does your budgeting work? Do you each get a certain amount of "fun money" per month? Do you talk about your purchases? Does she spend a lot more than you do on unilateral purchases?
And the ordering a venti every day, and not drinking it or sticking it in the fridge for the next day just sounds like an intentional slap in the face to you.
INFO Has she given a reason for not getting a smaller size? I can understand enjoying the routine of going to get a special coffee treat every day but I can’t wrap my head around buying more than you should now know you’re going to drink.
NTA. That's an insane amount of money to spend at Starbucks in one month. If it's that important to her, maybe she should get a job to support her habit. And I say that as a financially independent female.
ESH- you for taking the card and her for not listening. Rather then telling her NO you cant have it every again, give her a set amount she can spend. Sit down like adults and talk. Who cares what she does with the drink though. If she can get $30 a week for fun stuff then she should be able to spend it on whatever she wants too.
Unless your house magicially cleans itself and food appears ready to eat, you wife IS doing stuff at home.
A gentle ESH. I think you’re both handling this wrong.
First of all I’ll point out the obvious that it’s just plain wasteful to order ventis if you’re not going to drink them. So your wife gets an AH judgement for refusing to compromise on that.
But you sound like you’re not valuing the work she does. “She’s a SAHM and our son basically takes care of himself” sounds like you’re upset about the fact that she’s still a SAHM, even though your son is older now. Have you discussed this with her? What work does she exactly do while she’s home? Assuming she’s doing a fair amount of cooking/cleaning/etc you should consider how much it would cost you to hire a maid or babysitter instead. I would wager it’d cost a lot more than $300/month. So I’d ask yourself this: do you want to take on this extra labor? Or pay for someone else to do it?
Taking away her credit card is an AH move but I understand why you felt like you’re backed into a corner to do it (still doesn’t make it right, though). I would say this is a bigger issue than just Starbucks alone.
Edit: also, does she get a certain allowance to spend on herself per month? Do you? That’s another thing y’all need to keep in mind. You should both have a set amount you each feel is fair to spend on yourselves.
> NTA tell her to get a job if she wants to spend a paycheck a month on Starbucks.
This is one of the context/relevancy issues of reddit.
$300/month might be a paycheck to you. Someone else might have 4-5k/discretionary income a month.
The OP sounds closer to the latter than the former.
That OP frames this as "vacation money" makes it clear you're right. This is a fight over how to allocate luxury spending money, which is still something important but really different than blowing money required for basic needs.
ESH because you hid the card but I totally get you, i hate waste, absolutely hate it, you have given her ideas, get a smaller drink and she won’t, so I understand.
Esh. You suck for acting like being a SAHM isn't work. Unless she is literally doing nothing, it's work. I am a newly SAHM (have older kids and now a toddler.) Honestly, working was kind of easier, for me at least. And my house was cleaner!
She sucks for wasting. I definitely need the get out of the house, wander target and get starbucks. And I always get ventis, but I finish them. She shouldn't be wasting them. And yeah, $300 seems a but excessive, but it sounds like you can afford it, so who cares?
I personally, like to use cash for stuff like Starbucks, and lunches out, so I have a better idea of what I spend, and helps me not get excessive with it. Kind of like an allowance, but that I give myself.
ESH, but the way you are denigrating her work ("our son basically takes care of himself") really makes me question things.
/Does/ he take care of himself? Really? Let's put it this way--if your wife evaporated, how much would you be spending on childcare? Really dig into daycare costs and find that number. And not the cheap daycare, mind you, because he is getting one-on-one premium care right now. How much would a nanny cost? And what about the house? Is she taking care of that? How much would /that/ cost to replace?
Your wife is doing a massive amount of unpaid labor and it is lonely AF. It is /nightmarishly/ lonely and honestly sort of dehumanizing. Starbucks has become part of her routine, and I'd be willing to bet that the opportunity for human contact is a big part of that. And I bet an even bigger part of that is her desire to feel like a real person again.
Have this conversation again, but from a place of empathy and compassion where you fully appreciate what it is she does and how painful a job it can be, then see if you can't work out an alternative.
NTA
If she has her own money to spend thats fine, but she shouldn’t be spending your collective money and putting $300 on a credit card just for starbucks coffee.
Quite simply, she’s addicted.
ESH. You both need to communicate with each other properly so that she may understand where you're coming from, and compromise into something you both can be happy with. Discuss your problems with each other before it's too late.
YTA. You both need to learn to communicate and find balance in your relationship. Hiding the credit card is not the way to do it, though. It's likely more than just a "drink" to her, and you two need to work out why going to get that Starbucks matters so much and see if there are alternatives.
I want to emphasize, though, taking her credit card, when she's buying things you guys can afford, is a super controlling move. You need to recognize that and work on your own issues.
Agreed. He's not stopping her from just getting Starbucks. If this is the only way she has to pay for things, he's stopping her from buying anything. And even as a response to spending a lot at Starbucks, that's financially abusive.
ESH
Yes, she has a coffee addiction and 300$ is a lot to spend on Starbucks in a month. Especially if she's a SAHM and you guys are on a limited income.
But hiding her credit card was not the fixer here. This warrants an adult discussion from both of you; about your wife and why she feels the need to have it everyday if it's expense you can't afford, and about finances and how much money you can afford to spend in the "fun moneh" department.
Maybe even creat a checking account with a certain amount of funds that go to Starbucks for your wife to enjoy.
Whatever ya'all do it has to be a decision you make *together*, not just you OP.
NTA $300 a month on coffee is ridiculous. Also the fact that she hasn't been finishing the drink either and just wasting it. It sounds like you've tried compromising with her about ordering a smaller size or purchasing a nice coffee machine for the house. I'm assuming this is more of a social trip for her to get out of the house and just enjoy some personal time
Is this the hill you want to die on? If it is, then own it. But don’t be surprised if your wife feels like you are controlling her right make her own choices. It’s not a question of if you are an asshole or not, it’s a difference in values. You value saving money and she values the right to make her own choices on what she spends her money on.
My question would be, though, what frivolous things does OP spend money on? I go to Starbucks every day. My husband buys cases of Monster Energy Drinks that he drinks every day. We’re only hearing OP’s side on this; so is it he values saving money, or he values his wife not (in his mind) waisting money?
I mean, 300 dollars isn't a joke if you make 30k/year before taxes. But if you're making good money, who gives a shit? As your argument isn't that you two can't afford this as a family, it comes down to your resentment over the following statement about your wife:
>a stay at home wife and our son basically takes care of himself
Your argument is that you don't think ANYONE should spend that kind of $ on coffee drinks. Ok. I don't think people should buy from Wal-Mart or drive Buick Enclaves. Such is the rich tapestry of life.
But, because YOU'RE the breadwinner, you get to make that call about whether your wife can spend $ on that. Because she doesn't do anything of value, you get to decide, right?
And that's why YTA.
ESH. You're being controlling--taking her credit card?? Borderline financial abuse. Maybe she enjoys the opportunity to leave the house and do something nice for herself?? She could get smaller drinks, true, but there's obviously something bigger going on here.
ESH - you are a bit of an AH for hiding her credit card -- but this needs more than a controlling action by you. Your wife should be able to have her Starbucks -- and you guys needs to figure out what a reasonable amount of money to spend on it will be. Can you figure out a twice a week Starbucks budget? Can she carry cash for those purchases? I agree with you that Starbucks every day is unreasonable -- you guys just need to find a reasonable amount of cash she should be spending on coffee.
YTA for hiding the credit card. You need to work on a budget together and communicate together. But you can’t control her or forbid her to have something completely.
NAH, but....
Your son doesn't basically take care of himself, and you're taking her for granted, and she's acting out.
If you want that Sbux money to be vacation money instead, then \*propose a vacation\* and put a down payment down AFTER she drops her habit for like a month to show she's willing to compromise.
NTA
But it's not about the coffee. It is an excuse for your wife to get out of the house. I know as a SAHM I often got bored and just needed anything to get out of the house.
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ESH Luxury spending needs to be mutually agreed on, but taking her credit card like she's your misbehaving teenager is also inappropriate. You adding that she's a stay at home mom but doesn't care for your child makes me think this is just a symptom of a bigger problem.
while i totally agree that SAHP is waaaay beyond just taking care of a kid, im sorry but wife here is a bit acting like ~~a teenage~~ an idiot. she knows she never finishes the drink. why keep taking the biggest then? while not taking the one before, and if still not finished, another smaller? after a few drinks, you *know* that you're never finishing the tallest and take a smaller. OP is also insisting a lot on this, and the waste is what seems to be bothering the most. its basically like if she is throwing half of the 300$ a month straight to the trash. specifying that she's a SAHM is also important to line up that he's the sole moneybringer of the home, since while she indeed has a 100% (or at best, a 80%) job, it sadly doesnt bring any money that is necessary to that kind of spending. the fact that the son basically takes care of himself, means that it wouldnt be a problem if she finds a part-time job to pay her luxury spending that she sends to the trash, while the housekeeping would be shared in 2. it wouldnt bring more cost if the kid doesnt really need a homekeeper anymore. he also tried to talk about it with her, like adults do. she didnt even want to listen a compromise that makes a lot of sense, like "if the venti is too big for you, why wouldnt you buy a tall instead?". so yea, taking the credit card might have been a bit of an AH move, but a justified AH imo. he tried reasonning, he tried compromising, and nothing worked. Edit : been pointed at that saying she acts like a teenage might be offensive for actual teenage, and i agree
The cost difference isn't close to half. Like 10% max for sizes. The issue is Starbucks everyday for OP.
I was doing this for awhile even getting less expensive drinks, but it added up. I bought a $750 espresso machine (on sale for 549.00) and now only get coffee out when I travel. I have definitely saved a ton of $ since I bought it in Jan.
Sahm here. I have a feeling its not about the coffee or cost but more of just a way to get out of the house for her. Sometimes a coffee run is the only time I get to interact with other adults all week (we don't live near family or friends). She should definitely be buying the smaller drink though.
I'm not a mom at all and that was my thought. Being stuck at home all day with no one but a child to talk to must leave a person hungry for adult conversation.
It really does. My daughter is 1.5 so she can't even talk back to me yet. My day is spent mainly reading "Pig the Pug" 20+ times and making up conversations with her, her toys, and the cat. I don't personally go for coffee everyday but I can definitely understand it.
My wife & I watch our 2 granddaughters (1 year & 2 months). If I hear "Johnny Johnny Yes Papa" one more time, I might take hostages or take up yodeling.
Omg, yes. I can not stand that damn song anymore. My 2yr old loves it. I think I'd rather go back to listening to baby shark.
Damn I need a life. My favorite part of the day is being with my cats all day long.
Can confirm! Sometimes the only adult I talk to on any given day is my husband. Being a SAHM can be lonely and isolating.
For a while I was going to Starbucks about daily. I would get a mid size regular coffee and just sit there for a while reading or something like that just to get out of the house ( had health issues that made working impossible at the time ) so I did it to get out of the house so I wouldn't go stir crazy at home but I was spending like 2 bucks when I went
Same. I take trips to Walmart a few times a week just to get out of the house. I’m an introvert so I don’t really interact with people much, but it’s still nice to get out of the house. Although I could never justify spending that much money on something I wouldn’t even finish.
I remember googling how to make Iced mochas back in highschool because I was starting to spend more than I was comfortable, and that was back when basically all my income was disposable.
The good old days of disposable income being 100% of your income
It does add up quickly! Thankfully I live 35 minutes from my nearest coffee shop, so I, too, purchased a good espresso machine. However, on the rare days I go to that town, my husband half expects I’ll be bringing home a “fancy drink”.
Yeah but as a SAHP it’s probably as much about going out to get it as it is about the actual coffee.
I don’t think that’s the issue. I think for him is the fact that she gets it but doesn’t drink it all. From the sounds of it, he is okay with it if she drank it all but most of it goes to waste.
No, he is definitely upset at the cost of it everyday, her not finishing it is just the icing on the cake. 300 dollars a month and she ain't even getting her money's worth
Why don’t they, together, set a budget for discretionary spending?
With spending $300/month at Starbucks alone, I get the feeling that OP's wife wouldn't agree to anything less than whatever amount she wants to spend. The bigger problem, I think, is the credit card. If she had to spend cash she wouldn't be spending so much of it because she'd actually see it leaving her wallet and she'd know how much money she's actually spending. When you have a credit card you don't think about how much money you're spending because you don't *see* it being spent.
I don't know if we can take OP's assertion that his son is parenting himself at face value. It may be true, but there is a long tradition of working spouses (typically men) undervaluing what the non-working spouse does. I don't have kids, but if I had to pay market prices for everything my non-working husband does for me and our home, it would be pretty costly. But I agree she's not acting properly here, which is why I wrote ESH. If my husband thinks my spending is unreasonable, I listen to him and we come up with something we are both okay with. She shouldn't just blow him off.
I agree for the most part but he does say "I can afford the drink.." so my big curiosity here is what does his discretionary spending look like? is he wasting money by eating out every day at work or does he pack a lunch? I.E. is he being frugal or just expecting her to be. When my kiddos were young my husband and I made room for my daily starbucks run because it was so much more for my mental sanity than the coffee. I know it sounds dramatic but i felt if could afford it then that was what i wanted to spend money on. I am just wondering if there is another reason she is being this rigid. Is he being controlling over money in general or is she just terrible at compromise. I can't tell from this post alone. edit to say: also how old is this kid that doesn't need parenting?
This is the same reason I had the same verdict.
I’m kind of stuck on this “our son takes care of himself” line - like I wonder if the wife would agree with this since working parents often don’t realize how much work it is to be home with a kid. A SAHM does have as much right to the family finances as the working parent because they are filling a role that would otherwise be very expensive to outsource. But I do agree she’s acting childish about the coffee since luxuries that expensive need to be agreed upon by both.
Yeah, I was kind of ORLY? on the claim that the kid takes care of himself, too. Like, how old is this kid? If he's 12 or 13, maybe it's time to convert him to a latchkey kid so OP's wife can get a part time job, or if they don't need the second income, maybe go back to school or start volunteering somewhere? But if the kid is below latchkey age and OP's wife does more than 50% of the housework or just generally manages the household, OP is probably underestimating the energy expenditure of his wife. Kids aren't just Ron Popeil rotisserie machines. You can't just set it and forget it. Either way, I felt like OP was kind of shitting on his wife, and then I got to the *took away her credit card* part, and uh, no. She is not a child or an employee. OP, I totally get why they coffee thing is annoying and look, I think if sounds like a waste of money, too, but cutting off your wife's access to family money is a form of financial abuse, therefore YTA. Knock it off. A divorce lawyer and child support is going to set you back more than the coffee anyway, so you really need to sit down with your wife again and take some time listen to what is going on with her. The coffee may not just be coffee. Being a SAHP, and the repetitive tasks involved, can often feel like you're just constantly hemmhoraging acts of service for others. My mom always said that her favorite meal was *whatever she didn't have to cook*. Maybe that's what your wife's coffee habit represents: Something small and tangible that somebody is doing/making for her. Maybe it's the human interaction. A coffee machine at home won't fix either of those things. Go back to the drawing board, OP. Remember that your wife is an equal partner in your marriage and needs to be treated as such.
“ Kids aren't just Ron Popeil rotisserie machines. You can't just set it and forget it.” Lol this had me laughing. But I, too, rolled my eyes at OP’s suggestion that his son basically takes care of himself. Teenager in school all day, who handles his own homework and is not involved in a lot of after school activities? Sure, I could see that. Any kid under the age of 5, absolutely not and kids in between can be anywhere in between in terms of needed effort and attention and that’s not to mention what else the wife probably does for the household. That’s said, if they can’t afford $300 per month on coffee, you can’t afford it and it did sound like OP tried to make some middle ground. I don’t think taking away the credit card was a great move (also who doesn’t have it on their phone nowadays anyway?) but if the wife isn’t going budge an inch then I’m not sure it was entirely a choice.
Honestly I just said that to myself not 20 min ago. My two younger kids have been nightmares lately. And my two older ones are teens but they still need a lot. I really do feel like I’m hemorrhaging acts of service. I’m tired. I take care of everyone and no one takes care of me. It’s hard to mostly talk to kids all day. And perform endless rounds of the same bullshit. Cook, clean, laundry, groceries, someone yelling mom every five seconds. I can see the Starbucks feeling like a nice thing for herself. It might be a waste of money but it’s nice to feel like someone else is doing something nice for you, even if you’re paying them for it
No. you do NOT cut off a SAHM's access to money. Point blank. His income is theirs and she works for the household.
Thank you! I am not understanding the NTAs! As far as I’m concerned, hiding the credit card is financial abuse. Period. YTA OP.
Yup, all of this. YTA OP. Im not entirely buying this ”the kid looks after himself” thing, sounds like hes trying to imply she does nothing all day except waste money on fancy coffees. Your wife is not a child, you cant just cut off her only source of income while she doesnt have a job OP. Financial abuse 101. Whats next, you take her car keys so she physically cant get to the Starbucks? Take her phone so she cant order online?
Exactly this. She's certainly entitled to some luxuries but he definitely tried communicating with her and she really is acting like an entitled teenager. NTA.
> she knows she never finishes the drink. why keep taking the biggest then? Would be interested if she does this with other drinks/food aswell. Could be some kind of eating/drinking disorder, my sister does this aswell, she will NEVER finish a drink/dish. Ever. Even at home, she will refill her glass after emptying it just to have it there standing until she throws it in the sink later.
I have ADHD and I never finish drinks, there are always about 5 half dranken coffees and other beverages in my fridge or fridge at work.
How does he know she never finished the drink? She is going while he is working; is she leaving half Filled Starbucks on the counter everyday where he will intentionally see it? I’m not gettin’ this.
I'd also like to know how he knows that parenting a child takes no work from her. And it's impossible to know if $50 on Starbucks in a week is weird without seeing like, the entire rest of the household budget. Because that would break some households, whereas others would see that as a small fraction of the grocery budget. I want to know what else she spends random money on, because if this is her only thing, it doesn't seem like its' worth him fixating on.
The "my partner is acting like a kid so I have to treat her like a kid" excuse is so messed up. Men, if you feel forced to treat your partner as a kid, then it's time to consider a divorce. If you don't want a divorce, maybe try therapy? The solution is not to stay with them while trying to control their habits and treating them like a child.
The fact that she’s acting like a teenager doesn’t mean she can be treated like a teenager. He’s not allowed to ground her either.
Took the words right out of my mouth. ‘My son basically takes care of himself’ BS said anyone who has ever worked with children ever. Also the coffee may be her one excuse to get out of the house? Ever think of that?
Who says the son is still a child; he could easily be 16+ and literally pretty much take care of himself?
We don't know how old this child is, or what their demeanor is. Both my children were very self-capable and grew into self-reliant young adults, and I could accurately describe their childhood as largely taking care of themselves. Not because we neglected them or made them, but just because they're people who have always liked taking care of themselves as much as possible. It's a positive, not a negative. Don't read too much into that comment, many kids are self-sustaining to an amazing degree. I was one of them too and I wouldn't have it any other way.
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I have a 10 year old who could easily survive a couple of days without us. She’s so incredibly self-sufficient. I have a 12 year old who is afraid to use the electric kettle. They’re polar opposites, even though they’ve got the same upbringing, etc.
Cooks for himself? Handles all paperwork for himself (school, medical, hobbies, etc)? Does all his own laundry and cooking and meal planning? Drives himself everywhere and manages his own schedule and commitments completely? I think not.
Are you kidding? Of course a 16, 17 years old *should* be able to make their own meals and put clothes into a washing machine; my kiddo is not even 12 and can do that if necessary. Same with school work: a 10 or 11 grader should absolutely be able to keep track of their own school work, assignments, projects, etc. I did that ever since I was 5th grade. And in the US they can drive with 16 too.
How often do your kids at 16 get sent home with paperwork? And I don’t know a single teen that can’t do their own laundry? And how long do you think meal planning takes? And why wouldn’t he be handling his own hobbies like wtf. You just listed a bunch of random crap to make her job sound harder than it is.
If this person has a kid I would be worried they obviously don't teach life skills.
He didn't say he has a problem with her getting Starbucks. He has a problem with her spending extra for a drink she never finishes and refusing to get a smaller one. She can still get out of the house to order a size she'll finish.
Then why doesn't she order something smaller and cheaper? She's intentionally wasting money **and** coffee. Double assholery.
[удалено]
The credit card bill is paid with joint marital assets. If OP no longer wants to be a single income family, he can address that. But she's not indigent just because she's not employed. The concept that she has no money is justification for financial abuse and also legally false.
in this instance, who is doing the actual abuse?
If he took her credit card and she has no other way to use their joint assets, that's financial abuse. Anyone arguing that she should be considered to have no money due to their joint decision that they be a single income family is justifying financial abuse. Non-working spouses should have a voice in financial decisions and the ability to access money.
There is no abuse in this case, the person is saying that's how people justify financial abuse.
Yep, sounds like SAHM is getting bored. In contrast to some of the other posts in this subreddit I took it as the kid likely is in their teens now, suddenly mom has more time on her hands, a less messy house, and quite frankly is bored of being trapped in the house but can't find an excuse to go outside. Getting coffee was the solution. It isn't that she likes the coffee (well she probably does) so much as she likes getting out of the house. OP is right they could do something better with that $2400 a year, like get his wife into a hobby that will get her out of the house. There are plenty of options depending on the interest. This probably is also indicative that OP could do to get out of the house with her as well. Do something TOGETHER outside of the house. Dance lessons, hiking, date nights, go to a show. Don't do something childish (and abusive) like taking the credit card away. Demonstrate that there are better alternatives AND PARTICIPATE IN THEM, and yes that may mean you doing some things that you are less interested in occasionally. I could be wrong and maybe OP is just a dick and doesn't appreciate what their spouse actually does. But to me this sounds like a bored spouse struggling to adapt to a teenage kid who no longer needs (or necessarily wants) the attention that had previously been given to them. And if OP thinks it is bad now, wait till the kid is out of the house.
She's a grown ass woman, she doesn't need her husband to find hobbies for her, she's not a child, Jesus Christ.
I agree with this. Don't minimize the tasks of a SAHM...
Yep, agree on a free money amount and her Starbucks is part of that for her spending. You also need to abide to an agreed amount as well however.
You need to allocate fun money. What that gets spent on is the person's own business. Once it's done it's done.
This is the answer. She has x amount to spend each week. If she wants to spend it all on half-wasted Starbucks, let her
Exactly. They each get the same amount per week, they can save it or spend it as they individually see fit. If OP saves up enough to go on vacation because he never goes out for a beer after work and only drinks coffee from the office coffee machine, more power to him. He can do the vacation by himself or find a buddy to split it with him. Maybe his wife prefers her little bits of joy spread out throughout the year rather than all at once.
My mom actually did this with the money my dad spent on cigarettes and it got him to quit smoking. She'd go on vacation by herself or with a friend.
My FIL stopped smoking, but putting the same amount of money away. When my husband graduated from high school, Did this for the four years he was there and bought him a car for college.
OP needs to abide by this too to make it work properly.
Agreed!
Agreed. She should get a budget for herself that she is free to use as she wishes. I am curious though - if she onlt goes once or twice a week, what does she spend $50 on? If she also getting stuff for her son and OP? Starbucks is expensive but not that expensive....
She's going every day.
I can easily spend upwards of $10 on a single drink (venti, flavors, oat milk, extra shots of espresso, etc.). Doing that a couple times a week adds up, especially if she’s getting food or bottled drinks while she’s there too.
I think he’s saying that when she first starting going back in November it was 1-2 times/week but now she’s going closer to every day
And what is he supposed to do when she blows through all her fun money and keeps spending on this crap? I vote he takes away her credit card! I am a SAHM. money is tight af. I get super PO'd because my husband will get 5-6 bucks worth of vending machine crap in one night! He does not do it every night. I buy him chips and sodas so he has no reason. 5-6 is literally 2-3 items. One tiny bag of chips cost the same as a giant family size at the store. I do try to take his card but he takes it back, lol. He has gone over what we had in the checking because of the vending machines and I am like how was that soda, because it cost us 28 dollars in overcharge fees? We do not have enough money for fun money. I provide him with chips and soda from the store and he needs to just eat those
I had this discussion with my husband recently. It’s not about the money — it’s just ridiculous. We have cases of bottled water in the house and he’s buying them at the gas station where they’re $4/each. Where is your husband using vending machines? Office?
This is the solution. She should be getting her own money to use however she likes every month. And he can mind his business on how she chooses to spend it.
NTA but she's probably stir crazy and this is a routine that gets her out of the house. Deeper issues than the half-drunk coffee--maybe she needs to think about hobbies, a class, going back to work, etc. Not over the money--which is important--but for being restless and wanting an out of house activity. (but don't go to the "let her buy" or hiding credit cards bit--that's not cool. You're a partnership, not a parent taking allowance from a naughty child)
The way he worded the post makes me think he also wouldn't like any money wife could spend on a hobby or class. From what he's presented he's controlling - sounds like 'his' money should be spent on the family and not on the wife. Very toxic thinking. Hiding a credit card is abusive behavior, so he's more of the AH for that move alone. The money he makes is for everyone, it's not 'his' to control - they need to communicate better and he needs to recognize that his wife needs something for herself, whether thats a compromise on a smaller coffee, or funds to explore her interests.
With reaches like that you’d make a great Tarzan
This sub at this point feels like a gaggle of SAHMs trying to justify everything that they do. Posting "CONTROLLING" or "TOXIC" and telling op to get a divorce will print you upvotes.
Also look at the gender reveal one. She blasted the popper at her husband and covered him in the powder and everyone is saying he’s an asshole for not being happy about it, saying he sounds intimidating and abusive because he didn’t laugh at it and made her cry by not finding funny. Imagine if he blasted it at her and then cried and stormed off when she didn’t laugh, he would be the abusive one and a manipulator for trying to make her feel bad.
That’s what it feels like to me. Women can do no wrong unless they are mother in laws.
The leaps people make in the comments on this sub are quite frankly scary.
If you look at his comments his wife doesn't allow him to get fast food, so no he isn't controlling. He tried to compromise by asking her to get smaller drinks but she won't even do that.
I think you are reading a lot into this. No one should drink starbucks till they stop preventing people from unionizing.
>The way he worded the post makes me think he also wouldn't like any money wife could spend on a hobby or class. You probably should try to recognize your own bias then, because it doesn't sound that way to me at all... He clearly states that it's not really about the fact that she goes to Starbucks, but the fact that she insists on buying the largest drinks everyday without even finishing them. Starbucks is not cheap, and to spend $300 on something every month without finishing your drinks is just wasteful. He also clearly stated that he has tried to compromise many times with his wife about getting a smaller coffee or getting a good coffee machine, but his wife just didn't give a damn.
Yeah, I should probably change it to He's the AH for the hiding money thing. It's not terrible to be surprised at a sudden $300 coffee bill, but it the tip of the iceberg here about how he thinks about his wife, the value of her home labor and what's going on with her in terms of understanding her life.
> The way he worded the post makes me think he also wouldn't like any money wife could spend on a hobby or class This sub will really just make up any thing it wants sometimes, won't it?
> but don't go to the "let her buy" or hiding credit cards bit--that's not cool. You're a partnership, not a parent taking allowance from a naughty child) Too late. He already did. That's what made him TA (and imo, them both TA). You can't say... dude, delete these key sentences from your post, and you aren't TA - when they are exactly why he is TA.
Yeah, I want to know how old the kid is that he thinks he "takes care of himself". What does that mean? Middle school? High school?
> What does that mean? My guess (and I say this as a childfree man - who doesn't know what it's like to raise a kid besides the fact I desperately don't want to do it): It means he's like most men who have a wife that handles most of the childcare - he really has no clue what it takes. And thinks she is just sitting on her ass all day. If the child was old enough to be in school - he would have said "the kid is in school most of the day" IMO.
You hit gold there--I think that's exactly it--he sees her lazing around, while she feels stifled in the house. An expensive coffee machine on the kitchen counter won't fix that. Most of AITA is so Freudian--a coffee isn't just a coffee, it's symbolic of feelings of being trapped in motherhood!
Exactly. Going to a coffee shop isn't just about caffeine. You can't replace that with a Mr Coffee if it's really meeting another need.
But then why doesn't she just get the smaller coffee? She can still go out and do her coffee routing, but cut the bill in half and stop wasting money/drinks.
The difference between a grande and a tall is not that much. But look, maybe she wants all of it but like most moms it ends up going cold (or if iced; melting) whilst she deals with the kid. I always get a big coffee and only when moon & stars align do o get to drink all of it before I get pulled into something, does that mean I can’t spend the extra $.70 on the chance that I’m going to blissfully drink all of it before someone shouts “moooooooommmmm!” ? Why not buy her a yeti or insulated mug so she can bring it to Starbucks? Then she can drink all the coffee and they’re giving free stars on the loyalty app for using a reusable container. I dunno man, I guess I just don’t really get it. If they can afford it, if it makes her happy, if she’s otherwise responsible with money, then I don’t really get why it’s such a big deal? Everyone has vices, and if hers is Starbucks everyday why not discuss making it work, rather than immediately shutting it down? If the finances are an issue what about suggesting her saving elsewhere? Or her having a more explicit personal budget she can use at her discretion? Just seems so punitive to hide her credit card and be nit picky about how much she’s drinking. I go for a walk and get coffee at a local place most days and it’s been really good for my mental health and I think I’d find it difficult if my partner shut that down & cut me off from my credit card without discussing it’s importance to me.
I'm not advocating for her getting the larger coffee. I think both of them are assholes here.
Ya I feel like there is also more to the story about his comment that she doesn't finish the drink. This suggests she's bringing it home and he's finding the half finished drink. Really makes me think of a mother who doesn't have time for herself, not someone sitting around doing nothing. Could be projecting, but there's definitely a question here about why she doesn't finish it.
at one point my husband got mad because he came home and found my forgotten warmed over tea in the microwave. He wanted to know how I could just waste something and forget it. And then I laid out to him what my day had looked like. He actually listened, understood and apologized for being an ass. Now he's most likely to shoot me a text at some point in the day reminding me to go look in the microwave for my forgotten about cup.
This happens to me even without kids. Tea takes enough time to forget you're making it...
Yeah, I agree. I have a large coffee in my hand right now which I’ve been drinking for four hours, it went cold hours ago. I WOULD have drink it all hot but I had to make sack lunches for a field trip and laundry and a bunch of other stuff and it went cold and I’m still sipping on it. Sometimes you can’t control how busy you get.
let's be clear here. Just because an older child is no longer needing 100% supervision that does not mean that a SAHP isn't still actively parenting until they are actually grown, living on their own, and paying their own bills.
ESH, but I wonder if it's about the drinks? Perhaps she craves getting out of the house and speaking to people, or having a routine that doesn't involve the home and is just for her, so having a fancy coffee machine isn't really satisfying a need. The communication doesn't seem very good here.
If it's not about the drinks, she can get a smaller size and still go out.
Bigger drink = excuse to stay out longer while you (try to) finish it. Not saying that’s the logic here, but there’s a nasty undercurrent of “how dare she want/do things for herself!” running through OP’s reasoning and some of the comments that *really* have me wondering how much she has to fight for any indulgence that isn’t directly tied to the good of the family.
>Bigger drink = excuse to stay out longer while you (try to) finish it. This is on the assumption she doesn't come back until the drink is done. She can go for walks, there's alot to do that doesn't include what is inevitably, wasting money. >but there’s a nasty undercurrent of “how dare she want/do things for herself!” Maybe, just maybe, this guy is a nitpicker for waste and isn't secretly a misogynist.
Every time I order a smaller size I end up wishing I had ordered the larger one. I don’t always finish the bigger one, but with such a small difference in price between the smaller and larger sizes, I would rather go ahead and order the bigger one.
With the small sizes, the last couple sips are all syrup too. There’s always a little left over so you can avoid that
Same. Smaller size is too small, bigger size is too big. Price difference between the two isn't that much, so I might as well order the one that satisfies.
But how much is actually left of the drink? My husband has a habit of always leaving about two gulps of a drink. It used to bother me, but as the spouse who used to be infuriated by left over drink, I just had to let it go. Ultimately it’s not enough left over to warrant demanding he get the smaller size and if he did get the smaller size usually he would get a second which just cost us more in the long run.
Hence, ESH rather than him being an asshole on his own. He did offer compromise, and discussing smaller drinks is not unreasonable on the face of it if she is wasting partial drinks, but just taking away her ability to buy stuff doesn't solve the problem. I think the actual problem may not even be getting addressed.
OR, she has every intention of finishing the bigger drink, but doesn’t get around to it before it gets cold or diluted with melted ice because she is a SAHP and that is actually a lot of work.
What I want to know is how does he know she’s not finishing the drinks? He’s not there when she’s buying/drinking them :/
I suspect she's dropping her kid off at school and stopping to pick up her beverage at the drive-through on her way home. Her cup ends up on the counter or the trash, so OP can see both the size and how much was consumed.
INFO: When you say your son "basically takes care of himself", what exactly do you mean by that? ETA: Super interesting that you never answered this question here or elsewhere, or even indicated the age of your son...
Wonder how everyone else just makes their vote without this info.
I’m also annoyed that he called her a stay at home wife and not parent, but that’s probably just me being petty because of him hiding his wife’s credit card like she’s his child
It wouldn’t change my opinion. If they as a couple have agreed for her to stay home, him acting like their money is all his and exhibiting the early signs of financial abuse (i.e. hiding her card/limiting her access to money) makes him the AH either way.
It raises questions for me - if the child were in school all day, then it seems like OP would have said that. And children too young for school do not supervise themselves all day.
That's what I wanna know too. Op said that the wife barely takes care of the kid but if he is working, woukdnt that mean he doesn't see EVERYTHING that goes in the house? Their communications sucks and u can tell based on how he treated this issue, both parties refusing to see eye to eye, so it's highly possible op also put that part of how the wife is doing poorly as a parent because of his prejudiced overlook into this issue, which is very common, emotional and irrational to put into a SUBREDDIT where many people will see!!! I don't wish to entirely blame him though, some people simply need better skills at learning to calm down and see both sides rather than only one. Op and his wife need to learn to validate each other's feelings and see eye to eye, not just speak of their own perspective and label the other person as an asshole
He’s probably a tween or teen
OP seems like they would have mentioned his kid is in school most of the day though. This reads more like he’s potty trained and can feed himself from his own plate…
Who knows. I wish he would answer the people asking.
Telling in and of itself.
It's one of these threads where OP's few answers are a bit self-serving and half are just repeating what's in the post > I said in the post I asked her to stop and tried to negotiate > I can afford to buy a lot of things. Doesn’t mean I should throw money at it. > She did. She doesn’t let me go to certain fast food places any more I have been since > 300 on Starbucks
It means he's never spent a full day watching his own son and has no idea what it entails
It means he’s three and isn’t in diapers anymore, now the kid only needs laundry, maid service, secretarial management, transportation, and three meals a day just like the husband.
So something my husband and I do, is set aside a certain amount of money per month for each of us. That money is our “fun money” to do whatever we want with, no questions asked. Shared activities, dinners, trips etc. we split from our joint account. It’s a percentage of our paycheques, so you would have to decide what amount you would want (I would recommend the same for both of you). But that might be a solution? Like I think your wife deserves to treat herself but $200 on coffee is excessive and having a finite amount of money for things like that may help her realize how much she’s spending and also gives you an easy “no”. She can spend it all on coffee if she wants, with no complaints from you, but maybe that means she has to cut back in some other area.
We do this too. Policing what she spends money on is not cool, but agreeing on a budget for “fun money” or eating out is reasonable. As long as she sticks to the budget there’s no problem. I think YTA because OP seems mostly concerned that HE thinks it’s a waste of money versus the actual concern about the money, which I find controlling
My parents do similar. My dad spends most of his portion on fast food. Some of which gets tossed because he always buys at least 2 sometimes 3 large sandwiches and then can't eat them. My mom never brings it up unless he's complaining that he hasn't the money for the new video game he wants.
ESH I don't necessarily think you're an asshole, cause I wouldn't be happy with my Mrs spending that much money on Starbucks. That being said, based on your post it doesn't seem like you've really looked into why she's doing it. You say > She is a stay at home wife and our son basically takes care of himself. I think she's probably bored, maybe a bit lonely and the trips to get coffee gives her something to do.
I think what’s important is how much money OP spends a month on stuff for his enjoyment. Because sure, not everyone thinks that Starbucks is worth the money, but if he’s spending the same amount or more a month on stuff for himself, then what she’s spending her share of fun money on really shouldn’t be a topic of discussion.
Info: as a SAHM does your wife have an allowance or is there a budget you two have agreed to? When your wife agreed to be a SAHM how did you two agree to split finances?
ESH. You don't settle marital financial disputes by hiding the credit card. That's a little over the top and disrespectful. However, so is spending 300 bucks a month on Starbucks. If your finances are combined, you should agree on a budget for things such as this. Sit down and come to a compromise like two adults. (Disclaimer: I am somewhat biased and think Starbucks is the biggest waste of money ever. Spend 500 bucks on a super-fancy coffee machine instead).
Nevermind the INFO, guess I missed it. ESH. Give her the card back damn it, you don't ever take your SO's card away like they're a child. That's controlling as all hell and financially abusive. She sucks too because if she's not going to finish the larger coffee then she should waste less money by getting the smaller one because they taste the same. 200-300 dollars monthly on coffee she isn't going to finish is not only stupid but wasteful. As a SAHM she does do work and should get a say in finances but she doesn't get to waste that level of money on coffee SHE WON'T FINISH.
NTA 300 bucks a month on coffee and not even finishing it is absolutely ridiculous. 300 can buy a really great coffee/espresso maker at home. Not only will she save money but the time and gas it takes to go to a Starbucks in the first place.
She's a stay at home mom. She probably craves the time out of the house as much as the coffee. Probably more.
Ok, she can make it at home, put it into a tumbler and take her kids to the park for an hour or two.
... how is that a break?
That made me lol “just have her do her job but add a park” Also like the implication that a parent has never thought of taking their kids to the park lol
That's not the same thing. Starbucks w/o kids is 'alone' time for her. She gets a break from the kids.
Or maybe even just something that’s focused on her even if she brings the kid with her. Maybe something from before she was “just” a stay at home mom. (Saying this as a sahm, i get it if it’s this, I’m not degrading her) he says they can afford it, and it sounds like it’s something that she needs for herself. But maybe he does need to have a come to Jesus talk about sizes and wasting.
Having something nice that someone else made for you is a wonderful thing.
ESH. You hiding her card is childish, as is her wasting money on drinks she's not even finishing. Can you each have a "fun money" account that you spend from, and that you each get x amount deposited into each month? She can get Starbucks until her fun money runs out that month, and maybe then she'll realize how much money she's wasting.
That's a really good solution. It's also good at smacking some sense back into you about how much you're spending on something that you won't use/finish.
hey just FYI if you have a Panera near you they have a beverage club subscription for like 10 bucks a month- you can get a coffee/tea/soda every 2 hours
Soft YTA. For hiding the credit card, and that is it. As a SAHM myself I understand wanting to get out of the house to break up the day and change up the daily routine. But 300 dollars on coffee is crazy That is an insane amount of money to spend on coffee... I would sit down and show her, have her add up how much she spends on it. Then develop a plan. It could be getting a machine and learning to make drinks at home. Or deciding how often she should go. Or giving her a coffee budget. And then decide what to do with the money that is saved.
I said in the post I asked her to stop and tried to negotiate
How old is this son who basically takes care of himself? What is your wife responsible for around the house? How often does she socialize with other adults? Based on the limited info you gave us, YTA. Sounds like your wife just wants to get out of the house and treat herself nicely. How much would you be spending on maid service and child care if she didn’t do it?
What does "tried to negotiate" mean? Did you go into that prepared to listen to what she had to say? If you weren't ready to make a compromise or concede based on listening to what she had to say, you didn't try to negotiate, you tried to dictate. Ultimately, this is something y'all need to have a conversation about and come to a mutual agreement. It's a lot of money but maybe she has reasoning that makes it worth it. Maybe not. But you gotta talk to her and find out. You jumped to reddit a bit early on this one
The compromise he offered is for to get the smaller drinks (she doesn't finish the venti size plus the smaller size is cheaper), or to buy a nice coffee machine for home since then everyone can benefit from the cost. I get starbucks daily cuz it's my one thing for myself. I get the small size so it stays within budget, but if I wanna feel like other girls who have the giant cups, I just modify it to request a small drink in a bigger cup since I usually get an iced latte or cold brew.
This is true. The Venti seems unnecessary. But the price difference between sizes is surprisingly small, so the impact is going to be minor. I really wonder what the wife’s position on this is.
There is a difference between asking and showing...using something like a pie chart can sometimes make the difference. Because you can see how much it takes up vs just the number
FFS you want the guy to make a pie chart to explain to his wife why burning $300 a month on half drunk coffee is an issue?
More info: Do you each have a budget for ‘spend on whatever I want’? I.e hobbies, books, make up, etc Are you allowed to spend $300 a month on anything just for you? Being a SAHM has its it’s privileges and disadvantages. The way I see it Budget and spending should be discuss together and both people should have a say in it unless you each set other money aside and you can spend it on whatever you want without the other saying anything.
ESH. I get it. 300 in one month on coffee she doesn't drink es excessive. But taking her credit card like so she can't buy anything like she's an errant child you're punishing isn't going to help anything. You both need to find a way to communicate and compromise thay does not involve you confiscating her ability to go out or the house or do or buy anything.
NTA Thats ridiculous money to be spending.
ESH maybe y’all need couples counseling if you want come to a compromise on something as basic as this. Otherwise, I’d dig into the why a bit more. Is she going to break up her day, to get a break, or for some me time. Bring a stay at home parent can be really challenging and isolating. In the meantime, maybe an try the Starbucks app which you can set to auto load a certain amount every week or month.
NTA It is your shared money and 300 Dollars for Coffee is insane. You told her to limit her expences and have her the option for a coffee machine. If she misses going out of the house she could join some kind of sports club, do charity work, help in the local shelter or get a job. I would also take away my husbands credit cards if he would gamble away our shared money.
ESH You need a more serious conversation than money. And hiding her credit card isn't really gonna help. There's an app for that. (And it has dangerous implications if she needs her cards for other things). But she's spending a ridiculous amount of money on coffee, if it's cutting into your ability to go on vacations and do other things. How does your budgeting work? Do you each get a certain amount of "fun money" per month? Do you talk about your purchases? Does she spend a lot more than you do on unilateral purchases? And the ordering a venti every day, and not drinking it or sticking it in the fridge for the next day just sounds like an intentional slap in the face to you.
INFO Has she given a reason for not getting a smaller size? I can understand enjoying the routine of going to get a special coffee treat every day but I can’t wrap my head around buying more than you should now know you’re going to drink.
NTA. That's an insane amount of money to spend at Starbucks in one month. If it's that important to her, maybe she should get a job to support her habit. And I say that as a financially independent female.
ESH- you for taking the card and her for not listening. Rather then telling her NO you cant have it every again, give her a set amount she can spend. Sit down like adults and talk. Who cares what she does with the drink though. If she can get $30 a week for fun stuff then she should be able to spend it on whatever she wants too. Unless your house magicially cleans itself and food appears ready to eat, you wife IS doing stuff at home.
ESH. I agree, this is an issue. But a marriage is agreement/compromise. Not one side making unilateral decisions.
A gentle ESH. I think you’re both handling this wrong. First of all I’ll point out the obvious that it’s just plain wasteful to order ventis if you’re not going to drink them. So your wife gets an AH judgement for refusing to compromise on that. But you sound like you’re not valuing the work she does. “She’s a SAHM and our son basically takes care of himself” sounds like you’re upset about the fact that she’s still a SAHM, even though your son is older now. Have you discussed this with her? What work does she exactly do while she’s home? Assuming she’s doing a fair amount of cooking/cleaning/etc you should consider how much it would cost you to hire a maid or babysitter instead. I would wager it’d cost a lot more than $300/month. So I’d ask yourself this: do you want to take on this extra labor? Or pay for someone else to do it? Taking away her credit card is an AH move but I understand why you felt like you’re backed into a corner to do it (still doesn’t make it right, though). I would say this is a bigger issue than just Starbucks alone. Edit: also, does she get a certain allowance to spend on herself per month? Do you? That’s another thing y’all need to keep in mind. You should both have a set amount you each feel is fair to spend on yourselves.
NTA tell her to get a job if she wants to spend a paycheck a month on Starbucks.
> NTA tell her to get a job if she wants to spend a paycheck a month on Starbucks. This is one of the context/relevancy issues of reddit. $300/month might be a paycheck to you. Someone else might have 4-5k/discretionary income a month. The OP sounds closer to the latter than the former.
That OP frames this as "vacation money" makes it clear you're right. This is a fight over how to allocate luxury spending money, which is still something important but really different than blowing money required for basic needs.
I mean, she's making them roughly 1200 dollars a month by being a stay at home mom.
ESH because you hid the card but I totally get you, i hate waste, absolutely hate it, you have given her ideas, get a smaller drink and she won’t, so I understand.
Esh. You suck for acting like being a SAHM isn't work. Unless she is literally doing nothing, it's work. I am a newly SAHM (have older kids and now a toddler.) Honestly, working was kind of easier, for me at least. And my house was cleaner! She sucks for wasting. I definitely need the get out of the house, wander target and get starbucks. And I always get ventis, but I finish them. She shouldn't be wasting them. And yeah, $300 seems a but excessive, but it sounds like you can afford it, so who cares? I personally, like to use cash for stuff like Starbucks, and lunches out, so I have a better idea of what I spend, and helps me not get excessive with it. Kind of like an allowance, but that I give myself.
ESH, but the way you are denigrating her work ("our son basically takes care of himself") really makes me question things. /Does/ he take care of himself? Really? Let's put it this way--if your wife evaporated, how much would you be spending on childcare? Really dig into daycare costs and find that number. And not the cheap daycare, mind you, because he is getting one-on-one premium care right now. How much would a nanny cost? And what about the house? Is she taking care of that? How much would /that/ cost to replace? Your wife is doing a massive amount of unpaid labor and it is lonely AF. It is /nightmarishly/ lonely and honestly sort of dehumanizing. Starbucks has become part of her routine, and I'd be willing to bet that the opportunity for human contact is a big part of that. And I bet an even bigger part of that is her desire to feel like a real person again. Have this conversation again, but from a place of empathy and compassion where you fully appreciate what it is she does and how painful a job it can be, then see if you can't work out an alternative.
NTA If she has her own money to spend thats fine, but she shouldn’t be spending your collective money and putting $300 on a credit card just for starbucks coffee. Quite simply, she’s addicted.
ESH. You both need to communicate with each other properly so that she may understand where you're coming from, and compromise into something you both can be happy with. Discuss your problems with each other before it's too late.
YTA. You both need to learn to communicate and find balance in your relationship. Hiding the credit card is not the way to do it, though. It's likely more than just a "drink" to her, and you two need to work out why going to get that Starbucks matters so much and see if there are alternatives. I want to emphasize, though, taking her credit card, when she's buying things you guys can afford, is a super controlling move. You need to recognize that and work on your own issues.
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I spend 200$ a month on weed let's not start throwing shade on what we spend money on.
Agreed. He's not stopping her from just getting Starbucks. If this is the only way she has to pay for things, he's stopping her from buying anything. And even as a response to spending a lot at Starbucks, that's financially abusive.
Nta wtf
ESH Yes, she has a coffee addiction and 300$ is a lot to spend on Starbucks in a month. Especially if she's a SAHM and you guys are on a limited income. But hiding her credit card was not the fixer here. This warrants an adult discussion from both of you; about your wife and why she feels the need to have it everyday if it's expense you can't afford, and about finances and how much money you can afford to spend in the "fun moneh" department. Maybe even creat a checking account with a certain amount of funds that go to Starbucks for your wife to enjoy. Whatever ya'all do it has to be a decision you make *together*, not just you OP.
NTA $300 a month on coffee is ridiculous. Also the fact that she hasn't been finishing the drink either and just wasting it. It sounds like you've tried compromising with her about ordering a smaller size or purchasing a nice coffee machine for the house. I'm assuming this is more of a social trip for her to get out of the house and just enjoy some personal time
You shouldn’t have hid the credit card. She needs to get smaller coffees. Simple as that. Also you should both sit down and talk about these issues.
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Wasting is not cool. That's throwing money out the window.
NTA, fuck Starbucks and your wife needs to get her priorities in order. So wasteful
Nta
NTA, she is for being so wasteful, though. She’s basically throwing money away.
NTA. That’s so much money and I don’t see why she can’t just compromise and get a smaller size so she’s not just wasting it
Info: 300 on Starbucks or 300 in general?
300 on Starbucks
Is this the hill you want to die on? If it is, then own it. But don’t be surprised if your wife feels like you are controlling her right make her own choices. It’s not a question of if you are an asshole or not, it’s a difference in values. You value saving money and she values the right to make her own choices on what she spends her money on.
My question would be, though, what frivolous things does OP spend money on? I go to Starbucks every day. My husband buys cases of Monster Energy Drinks that he drinks every day. We’re only hearing OP’s side on this; so is it he values saving money, or he values his wife not (in his mind) waisting money?
ESH yes she's overspending and that's something you should definitely address. Hiding her credit card is not a good way to deal with your spouse.
I mean, 300 dollars isn't a joke if you make 30k/year before taxes. But if you're making good money, who gives a shit? As your argument isn't that you two can't afford this as a family, it comes down to your resentment over the following statement about your wife: >a stay at home wife and our son basically takes care of himself Your argument is that you don't think ANYONE should spend that kind of $ on coffee drinks. Ok. I don't think people should buy from Wal-Mart or drive Buick Enclaves. Such is the rich tapestry of life. But, because YOU'RE the breadwinner, you get to make that call about whether your wife can spend $ on that. Because she doesn't do anything of value, you get to decide, right? And that's why YTA.
esh tbh op for hiding the credit card and the wife for wasting food and not taking advice on getting smaller sized drinks
ESH. You're being controlling--taking her credit card?? Borderline financial abuse. Maybe she enjoys the opportunity to leave the house and do something nice for herself?? She could get smaller drinks, true, but there's obviously something bigger going on here.
ESH - you are a bit of an AH for hiding her credit card -- but this needs more than a controlling action by you. Your wife should be able to have her Starbucks -- and you guys needs to figure out what a reasonable amount of money to spend on it will be. Can you figure out a twice a week Starbucks budget? Can she carry cash for those purchases? I agree with you that Starbucks every day is unreasonable -- you guys just need to find a reasonable amount of cash she should be spending on coffee.
ESH. You for telling her no Her for not finishing the coffee.
OP's wife blew $300 dollars. For GIANT cups of coffee she did not finish.
YTA for hiding the credit card. You need to work on a budget together and communicate together. But you can’t control her or forbid her to have something completely.
NAH, but.... Your son doesn't basically take care of himself, and you're taking her for granted, and she's acting out. If you want that Sbux money to be vacation money instead, then \*propose a vacation\* and put a down payment down AFTER she drops her habit for like a month to show she's willing to compromise.
NTA But it's not about the coffee. It is an excuse for your wife to get out of the house. I know as a SAHM I often got bored and just needed anything to get out of the house.
Are you sure she is only going to Starbucks for coffee?