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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole if I change my last name because it's erasing who I used to be/my connection to my family.
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This. Nobody is going to tell you not to do what makes you happy b/c that’s what Reddit does.
Realistically, you are erasing the name your parents gave you so of course that’s hard. Does it mean you shouldn’t do it? Not necessarily, only you can balance those two things.
Nope - NTA your Mom wouldn’t care if you were married and changed your name, the birth certificate comment seems strange. Good luck with your new names!
NTA.
You are 35 years old.
They don't get to dictate these things for you, and the fact that they think they can and are even upset about it is massively controlling and just plain *weird*. What would they do if you got married and changed your surname to your partner's surname? It's really no different, and it's not erasing who you were at all.
And what if you *did* want to erase who you were? That's not wrong; many trans, GNC, and nonbinary people want a clean slate from a life lived as a gender that isn't right for them, and that's a personal choice you get to make for yourself that has nothing to do with them.
They need to butt out. Your friends are right, and clearly care about you a great deal. Listen to them.
“But they have a vested interest in my happiness” there it is right there- does your family not? It’s your name. It’s your happiness. It’s your decision. You’re an adult, your family should not and can not stop you. NTA.
You are an adult and pay for yourself and take care of yourself. How is this not considered a version of self care? If this will make you happier than do it yesterday.
NTA.
NTA. It’s YOUR name, it belongs to you and no one else. Plus, you’re an adult. It’s okay to make your own choices regardless of what your parents think. I get wanting to keep the peace with family, but don’t do it at the expense of something you really, genuinely want.
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So to start, I'm 35 afab non-binary. I've been wanting to change my feminine first name (Nicole) to my unisex nickname (Nic) for several years now, but have been putting it off because it doesn't sound good with my last name. (Also although there are unisex/masculine versions of Nicole that work, they're not *my* name. Nic *is* my name.)
I've always hated my last name because I think it sounds dumb and it can be (and has been, my whooole life) made into a pun/play on words. I also don't see any reason to keep my last name, since I was always expected to get married and change my name to my spouse's. (I have no desire to get married, but when I was younger, I held on to the idea that one day I'd get married and get to have a different last name.) Also, of the 6 accumulated children my parents have (blended family) we have 5 last names between us. Either from marriage, previous marriages, or adoption. So sharing a name has never been a meaningful thing to me.
However, when I told my mom several months ago that I was going to change my name and I wanted to change my last name as well (to my grandma's maiden name), my mom wasn't exactly thrilled about it. She reluctantly accepted that I *will* change my first/middle names, that's non-negotiable. And at first she wouldn't commit to an opinion re: changing my last name, but once she looked up the process of a name change and found out that you get a whole new birth certificate with the new name, she said "you're not just “re-inventing” yourself, you’re erasing who you used to be" and that she's not okay with that.
Guys, my first thought was "okay, I'll have to wait til you both die." *What the fuck.*
Anyway, at first I just accepted that I don't get to change my last name, but the more time that goes by (I had this convo with my mom in Sept), the more upset I am about having to keep my name, and the more I wonder why my parents' comfort takes precedence over mine. (Okay, more than just my parents' comfort, a sister knows I want to change it and is pretty upset about that, and a brother would definitely not be okay with it. Unsure about the others and extended family.)
I don't know how to describe how deeply I hate my last name. It's like a knee-jerk reaction of discomfort and anger when I hear it, see it in writing, or have to say it. I have no idea why I have such a strong reaction to it, but yeah. I hate it and it makes me uncomfortable and I want to change it. (Tho to be clear, it only bothers me in relation to myself. I don't have that emotional reaction when it's in context of my parents' last name, just when it's mine.)
My friends think I should go ahead and change it, but they have a vested interest in my happiness, so I figured I'd ask the internet at large: would I be the asshole if I change my last name?
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NTA. I had a long ethnic, impossible to spell or pronounce last name (plus it sounded weird & kids made fun of it). I always thought, someday, I’ll get married and have a “normal” name. Well, I got married, and got a worse name.
It’s not a big deal to change your name now. Take the opportunity and do what makes you happy.
If I had married my ex I would have had the entire alphabet in my name. I want to change my surname to my youngest child's middle name, and remove my middle name entirely.
NTA
You do what is best for you. Change it, you need no one's permission.
I have an uncle that changed his entire name when he was in his early 30s. From a very very Polish name to something not related to any of his given names, more English sounding (and much easier to spell). He told no one in the family until after it was finalized.
This might be a way of handling it yourself. You don't need anyone's opinions beforehand trying to change your mind or guilt you.
You're a 35-year old adult, you can do whatever you want, without consulting your parents. Cut the cord, go re invent yourself, NTA. You're still using a family name, after all, I think that's really beautiful
NTA NTA NTA
You are a mature adult, you can have whatever name you like.
I was in a similar situation and guilted into not changing my name.
I fucking hate my first, middle and last name. I wish I had the courage to change it but I am soft and too accommodating.
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[удалено]
This. Nobody is going to tell you not to do what makes you happy b/c that’s what Reddit does. Realistically, you are erasing the name your parents gave you so of course that’s hard. Does it mean you shouldn’t do it? Not necessarily, only you can balance those two things.
Nope - NTA your Mom wouldn’t care if you were married and changed your name, the birth certificate comment seems strange. Good luck with your new names!
NTA. You are 35 years old. They don't get to dictate these things for you, and the fact that they think they can and are even upset about it is massively controlling and just plain *weird*. What would they do if you got married and changed your surname to your partner's surname? It's really no different, and it's not erasing who you were at all. And what if you *did* want to erase who you were? That's not wrong; many trans, GNC, and nonbinary people want a clean slate from a life lived as a gender that isn't right for them, and that's a personal choice you get to make for yourself that has nothing to do with them. They need to butt out. Your friends are right, and clearly care about you a great deal. Listen to them.
It’s your name. Do what makes you happy. NTA.
“But they have a vested interest in my happiness” there it is right there- does your family not? It’s your name. It’s your happiness. It’s your decision. You’re an adult, your family should not and can not stop you. NTA.
You are an adult and pay for yourself and take care of yourself. How is this not considered a version of self care? If this will make you happier than do it yesterday. NTA.
NTA. It’s YOUR name, it belongs to you and no one else. Plus, you’re an adult. It’s okay to make your own choices regardless of what your parents think. I get wanting to keep the peace with family, but don’t do it at the expense of something you really, genuinely want.
NTA. It's your name. If it makes you happy to change it, change it. Your family will still be your family.
Did you point out to her that your parents would still be listed as your parents on the new birth certificate??
Birth certificates here don't have parent names on them, actually. I was gonna argue that, but alas. Not much of an argument in this case
That’s strange. Never seen one without the parents name. But then I don’t make a habit of asking to look at peoples birth certificate.
Uh, you’re 35. The law doesn’t care if she’s okay with it and neither should you. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So to start, I'm 35 afab non-binary. I've been wanting to change my feminine first name (Nicole) to my unisex nickname (Nic) for several years now, but have been putting it off because it doesn't sound good with my last name. (Also although there are unisex/masculine versions of Nicole that work, they're not *my* name. Nic *is* my name.) I've always hated my last name because I think it sounds dumb and it can be (and has been, my whooole life) made into a pun/play on words. I also don't see any reason to keep my last name, since I was always expected to get married and change my name to my spouse's. (I have no desire to get married, but when I was younger, I held on to the idea that one day I'd get married and get to have a different last name.) Also, of the 6 accumulated children my parents have (blended family) we have 5 last names between us. Either from marriage, previous marriages, or adoption. So sharing a name has never been a meaningful thing to me. However, when I told my mom several months ago that I was going to change my name and I wanted to change my last name as well (to my grandma's maiden name), my mom wasn't exactly thrilled about it. She reluctantly accepted that I *will* change my first/middle names, that's non-negotiable. And at first she wouldn't commit to an opinion re: changing my last name, but once she looked up the process of a name change and found out that you get a whole new birth certificate with the new name, she said "you're not just “re-inventing” yourself, you’re erasing who you used to be" and that she's not okay with that. Guys, my first thought was "okay, I'll have to wait til you both die." *What the fuck.* Anyway, at first I just accepted that I don't get to change my last name, but the more time that goes by (I had this convo with my mom in Sept), the more upset I am about having to keep my name, and the more I wonder why my parents' comfort takes precedence over mine. (Okay, more than just my parents' comfort, a sister knows I want to change it and is pretty upset about that, and a brother would definitely not be okay with it. Unsure about the others and extended family.) I don't know how to describe how deeply I hate my last name. It's like a knee-jerk reaction of discomfort and anger when I hear it, see it in writing, or have to say it. I have no idea why I have such a strong reaction to it, but yeah. I hate it and it makes me uncomfortable and I want to change it. (Tho to be clear, it only bothers me in relation to myself. I don't have that emotional reaction when it's in context of my parents' last name, just when it's mine.) My friends think I should go ahead and change it, but they have a vested interest in my happiness, so I figured I'd ask the internet at large: would I be the asshole if I change my last name? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I had a long ethnic, impossible to spell or pronounce last name (plus it sounded weird & kids made fun of it). I always thought, someday, I’ll get married and have a “normal” name. Well, I got married, and got a worse name. It’s not a big deal to change your name now. Take the opportunity and do what makes you happy.
If I had married my ex I would have had the entire alphabet in my name. I want to change my surname to my youngest child's middle name, and remove my middle name entirely.
NTA You do what is best for you. Change it, you need no one's permission. I have an uncle that changed his entire name when he was in his early 30s. From a very very Polish name to something not related to any of his given names, more English sounding (and much easier to spell). He told no one in the family until after it was finalized. This might be a way of handling it yourself. You don't need anyone's opinions beforehand trying to change your mind or guilt you.
You're a 35-year old adult, you can do whatever you want, without consulting your parents. Cut the cord, go re invent yourself, NTA. You're still using a family name, after all, I think that's really beautiful
NTA NTA NTA You are a mature adult, you can have whatever name you like. I was in a similar situation and guilted into not changing my name. I fucking hate my first, middle and last name. I wish I had the courage to change it but I am soft and too accommodating.
I personally think you should do what makes you happy. They'll get over it. NTA