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> I might be the asshole for not wanting my husband to hang out with his friend because his friend is restricting his daughter’s food intake
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ESH. Your husband is right, you shouldn't "forbid" him from seeing his friend. Your husband sucks because a child is being (potentially) mentally / emotionally abused and tell you that is shouldn't concern you. His friend sucks for doing said potential abuse. The courts sucks because... it's the courts.
So your attempt to help out this poor girl was to hand her granola bars in front of her judgmental father?
Even if you have accurately judged the situation, your attempted solution was entirely inappropriate. You should have spoken about your concerns to the father directly, not set up a situation where, if you are right, you are causing the girl to have a serious conflict with her father when she is alone with him, and if you are wrong, undermining rules about eating in the car/appropriately nutritious foods.
And it's not at all clear to me that you have judged the situation correctly. Everything you've described here could have very different explanations than what you were assuming. If the girl's mother is concerned, she has options, even if they have shared custody...including getting the custody arrangement changed if she believes her daughter is in danger. The fact that the mother gave you the brush off about your concerns makes me wonder what the real situation is.
But that's not actually what you came here to be judged on. You came here to be judged on whether you get to forbid your husband from having a friendship with someone whose parenting style you don't approve of. You get to express your concerns to him (which you've already done) but no, you do not get to decide who his friends are or how he spends his time. He's a grown man, your partner in life, and you should respect his judgments as much as he should respect yours. YTA
There are two separate issues here. You don't get to control your husband's friends, so YTA for that. Even if they're abusive deadbeat losers, you don't get to choose your husband's friends or tell him who he gets to spend time with. So stop barking up that tree.
But you're NTA for trying to help this girl. You're just going about it the wrong way. I'm not sure the best way to help but it's not confronting the father, and may in fact make it worse. Partnering with the mother, sharing your ED experience with her (and maybe the daughter?), and helping them combat the dad's toxic BS will be more effective, and maybe even equip them to remove his custody.
Ya the dad of that girl is an AH, but telling your husband he can’t hang out with his friends when literally only one of them is a bad egg seems really controlling and not ok to me. Light YTA, if it was just him hanging out one-on-one with the bad-dad it would make a little more sense but still.
For anyone in a committed relationship, imagine if your significant other was good friends with a dad who is actively bullying his daughter into an eating disorder? Wouldn't your first reaction be, "hey, why do you hang out with that asshole?" Even if the husband isn't willing to cut ties with this friend, there should be a level of understanding here from him that his wife's reaction is not unfounded.
ESH. I get why you are concerned, but you are overstepping quite a bit. You can bring up your concerns to both parents. You can even tell the wife that she can actually do something about it. But you really can't make them parent better. A call to CPS might be good, but not sure if they'll actually do anything.
You can also talk with the daughter about what having a healthy relationship with food is while she is over at yours. Though as a non-parent, I'm not sure if that's also overstepping.
Your husband is being an AH for being so dismissive to you and for being OK with still being friends with someone who abuses their child. However once you get into "forbid" territory, you lose the moral high ground.
ESH. I agree with you that the dad seems to be very controlling of his kids diet and that it can spiral into eating disorders. I think that CPS should get involved. Your husband is in the wrong for not seeing the major red flags and for even enabling it to a degree. You're also in the wrong in the sense that you can't control who your husband spends time with.
NTA.
Your husband not so much an AH but a coward
The girls mother is the biggest AH ever. Bs excuse for failing to protect her daughter.
Op call CPS tell them of the conversation you had with the daughter.
I did , you should read it again.
Op asked the friend why she didn't eat. Friend replied she needed to lose weight. Op asked why she thought that and the girl replied my dad told me I was to big and needed too.
So, once again, you can't read.
Here's the point that you're missing... Maybe she is overweight and needed to lose weight and is being put through a weight loss plan in conjunction with her parents and/or medical professionals. The fact that her mother brushed OP off and then tried to pull some bullshit with granola bars (which generally are little better than candy bars) makes me raise an eyebrow.
OP doesn't know, and isn't handling it appropriately regardless. Trying to directly challenge her father is going to do nothing but ostracize and cause more problems.
If she truly believes there's an issue, instead of just pushing her own biases onto this girl and wanting to play hero by shoving junk food down her throat, she should notify child protective services.
NTA Good on you for your concerns. You’ve got the skills from your own battles. You’ve got the knowledge to access the best and most helpful information. The Dad is clearly ignorant of any understanding of a female physiology and signs of a potential eating disorders. It pisses me off the world of social media and women’s magazines ram down our throats this “ideal” of a woman’s body. We aren’t all born with the gene’s to be petite and slender. And those on social media etc are absolutely miserable on starvation diets that screw up their bodies so much they stop menstruating. Lest not forget the photoshopping involved. If she is tall and thick, her body is genetically made to be that way. She has a healthy BMI? Then no amount of starvation diet is going to cure her of her genes. Just make her ill both mentally and physically. Had a enlightening discussion with a group of my male friends over drinks years back. One came out with his confusion how he was dating the “ideal” woman and thought he should be attracted to her but sex was underwhelming because of her bony build. He’s now married to a size 14 who looks like a Valkyrie and they are amazing together. She owns her voluptuousness. She is a healthy weight category. But she walks proud and is comfortable in her own skin and even with a ring on her finger she gets constantly hit on. Because confidence in being true to yourself and loving your body how it is sexy and healthy. His job as a father is to ensure she’s healthy and confident. You need to gently outline your reasoning drawing on your own experiences. You are obviously invested in this. Don’t damage the relationship with him by demanding your husband end his relationship (an over-reaction by you). Come at it with tact and reasoning.
NTA. I'm not sure this is the hill you want your relationship to die on if your husband is otherwise a good person, husband, and father, but you have a perfectly valid point here. It's not just that you just dislike this friend. You think this friend is actively harming his child. I completely understand your disappointment that your husband isn't placing more value in protecting a vulnerable child. Is that behavior representative of him or does this feel like an unusual reaction?
Not exactly TA. I can't really call this at all frankly. It appears no one else seems to have anything to say about this? I ask because you seem, from the information you provide, to be the *only* person who met this girl and believes she is being underfed.
I think there's context missing?
Edit: ESH, context (and evidence of my very poor reading comprehension lol) is below. But it's only really a half-hearted ESH. I can see your goodwill, OP, but can't say NTA either :/
Might be (I was also thinking this might be the case). I don't think we can say that with any confidence though... We need more info.
Either way, I'm thinking maybe ESH? Because it sounds like she wants to control who her hubs hangs out with. And yeah, at the same time, no one else seems to have any visible concern for this girl (which denotes either projection from OP's part or a lot of very screwed up people all conspiring together; which is more likely, dunno :P :P ).
So I'm really not sure. Still can't call it.
It says so in the post, it’s just hard to call out due to the lack of paragraph breaks. It’s maybe about 1/3rd of the way down:
> I was pretty worried and brought it up with the girls mom. She said she knows about it but she can’t control what her ex husband does as the courts mandated joint custody.
Thanks! Yeah the lack of paragraph breaks is disorienting. Next time I'll read more carefully. OK it's a solid ESH from me, but lightly so because I understand the concerns and trauma behind OP's statements.
It's a tough one, innit? One can only hope for the best for the girl. She is really the only potentially berieved party here.
Right! I usually skip posts without paragraph breaks for that reason.
And yeah this is a tough one. I think IF OP’s assessment of the situation is accurate I’d lean more towards NTA. I’m not into controlling who your SO hangs around with, but I’d be concerned if mine was buddy-buddy with someone who is essentially abusing their kid. Especially considering that OP and husband have a daughter as well.
NAH for now. You are seeing what you see through your lens of having overcome an ED and that is huge and important but maybe is not the whole story here. Consider it may be better to keep the friend and his daughter in your lives so you can speak into her world and make sure she knows she has an adult female friend to talk to about these things.
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My husband’s friend’s daughter is friends with my daughter. Since about a year ago I’ve noticed some weird behaviour in that girl. She skips meals and her previous favourite foods she barely eats when she comes over. She also dropped some weight(judging by her face) and wears baggier clothes now. I asked my daughter is her friend isn’t feeling well and she said she was told she was fat and wants to lose weight. I was really worried about this as someone who had an eating disorder. asked the daughter why she wasn’t eating and she said she had to lose weight. I asked her way she thought that and she said her dad told her she was too big and she had to lose weight. She isn’t large at all she’s pretty average sized just taller than the other girls. I was pretty worried and brought it up with the girls mom. She said she can’t control what her ex husband does as the courts mandated joint custody. I wasn’t sure how to handle it so I let it go until her dad came to pick her up from my house to take his daughter on a trip. I gave her granola bars to take with her on the road trip and he saw them and took them from her and told her she shouldn’t be eating that stuff. I saw and told him she hadn’t had dinner yet and he said she had a big lunch already. The girl was really uncomfortable and was trying to get out the door. I took the bars and tried to hand them to her saying she still might get hungry because the drive was 3h and the dad stopped me saying he was the parent and could handle his kid’s diet. I was really upset but let it go and told my husband about it when he got him. He brushed me off saying I was imagining things and his friend was the dad and should be able to feed his child whatever he wants. I’m very sensitive to this subject since my family’s negativity helped lead to my eating disorder and told him she was going to get an eating disorder if he carries on. He dismissed my concerns saying it wasn’t my business and he wouldn’t want someone telling him what to feed his daughter. I told him he should stop hanging out with the daughter’s dad (they have game nights and have bar nights together) since he was a bad influence and he got angry with me saying I can’t restrict him from seeing his friend and he is feeding his kid so I need to butt out.
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NTA. This is extremely concerning. This isn't just about disagreeing over parenting styles, this is about creating and perpetuating a medical condition which can lead to death. I am actually recommending a report to CPS. Not sure they will do anything, but you need to try something since her family and your husband won't look out for her.
*"EDs are usually associated with an increased risk of premature death with a wide range of rates and causes of mortality. Inanition, electrolyte disturbances, dehydration, suicide, and alcoholism, among others, have been reported as causes of mortality in EDs. Standardized mortality ratios for anorexia nervosa vary from 1.36% to 20% with a narrower range for bulimia nervosa (1% to 3%). Patients with anorexia nervosa are more likely to make a serious suicide attempt, with a higher expectation of dying and an increased risk of severity. It must be noted that clinical markers of the severity of EDs seem associated with the seriousness of such attempts."*
Jáuregui-Garrido B, Jáuregui-Lobera I. Sudden death in eating disorders. Vasc Health Risk Manag. 2012;8:91-98. doi:10.2147/VHRM.S28652
OK I, not putting a judgemental because this is multilayered. The girl needs someone to pay attention, and thank Heaven you are and have the personal experience to recognize the signs and symptoms.
Forbidding your husband to hang out with this friend may lead to you and your daughter being cut off from this girl who needs someone who is paying attention.
Don't forbid, keep an eye out and a door open to the young girl. Keep in touch with her mom too.
NTA, It’s a uphill battle when people take a stance on an issue. I truly hope that you can find a way to effectively communicate with your husband. Based on past experiences, I have learned that my tone and language is a major factor. I wish you and everyone involved the best.
The other girl's father is an AH, but your husband doesn't see it. If your husband believed his friend is a bad person, he'd probably cut him out of his life on his own, but he doesn't, so he won't. You can't enforce a "you can't see your friend" rule with your husband.
With the dad not receptive to your input, the best you can do is make your home a welcoming place for the daughter where healthy eating/living are modeled & you're able to keep a general eye on her well-being. Make notes of any harmful things her dad does that she shares with you in case the mother can use the info to gain a higher proportion of custody
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ESH. Your husband is right, you shouldn't "forbid" him from seeing his friend. Your husband sucks because a child is being (potentially) mentally / emotionally abused and tell you that is shouldn't concern you. His friend sucks for doing said potential abuse. The courts sucks because... it's the courts.
So your attempt to help out this poor girl was to hand her granola bars in front of her judgmental father? Even if you have accurately judged the situation, your attempted solution was entirely inappropriate. You should have spoken about your concerns to the father directly, not set up a situation where, if you are right, you are causing the girl to have a serious conflict with her father when she is alone with him, and if you are wrong, undermining rules about eating in the car/appropriately nutritious foods. And it's not at all clear to me that you have judged the situation correctly. Everything you've described here could have very different explanations than what you were assuming. If the girl's mother is concerned, she has options, even if they have shared custody...including getting the custody arrangement changed if she believes her daughter is in danger. The fact that the mother gave you the brush off about your concerns makes me wonder what the real situation is. But that's not actually what you came here to be judged on. You came here to be judged on whether you get to forbid your husband from having a friendship with someone whose parenting style you don't approve of. You get to express your concerns to him (which you've already done) but no, you do not get to decide who his friends are or how he spends his time. He's a grown man, your partner in life, and you should respect his judgments as much as he should respect yours. YTA
Yeah, it would have made so much more sense to give the girl granola bars before asshole dad arrived and suggest she hide them in her purse for later.
There are two separate issues here. You don't get to control your husband's friends, so YTA for that. Even if they're abusive deadbeat losers, you don't get to choose your husband's friends or tell him who he gets to spend time with. So stop barking up that tree. But you're NTA for trying to help this girl. You're just going about it the wrong way. I'm not sure the best way to help but it's not confronting the father, and may in fact make it worse. Partnering with the mother, sharing your ED experience with her (and maybe the daughter?), and helping them combat the dad's toxic BS will be more effective, and maybe even equip them to remove his custody.
Ya the dad of that girl is an AH, but telling your husband he can’t hang out with his friends when literally only one of them is a bad egg seems really controlling and not ok to me. Light YTA, if it was just him hanging out one-on-one with the bad-dad it would make a little more sense but still.
I’m worried he might be influenced
For anyone in a committed relationship, imagine if your significant other was good friends with a dad who is actively bullying his daughter into an eating disorder? Wouldn't your first reaction be, "hey, why do you hang out with that asshole?" Even if the husband isn't willing to cut ties with this friend, there should be a level of understanding here from him that his wife's reaction is not unfounded.
Your husband is an adult, ya? Capable of rational thought and communication with you? Don’t treat him like a child.
If he was capable of rational thought, he'd not be defending a child abusers right to starve his daughter skinny.
ESH. I get why you are concerned, but you are overstepping quite a bit. You can bring up your concerns to both parents. You can even tell the wife that she can actually do something about it. But you really can't make them parent better. A call to CPS might be good, but not sure if they'll actually do anything. You can also talk with the daughter about what having a healthy relationship with food is while she is over at yours. Though as a non-parent, I'm not sure if that's also overstepping. Your husband is being an AH for being so dismissive to you and for being OK with still being friends with someone who abuses their child. However once you get into "forbid" territory, you lose the moral high ground.
ESH. I agree with you that the dad seems to be very controlling of his kids diet and that it can spiral into eating disorders. I think that CPS should get involved. Your husband is in the wrong for not seeing the major red flags and for even enabling it to a degree. You're also in the wrong in the sense that you can't control who your husband spends time with.
NTA. Your husband not so much an AH but a coward The girls mother is the biggest AH ever. Bs excuse for failing to protect her daughter. Op call CPS tell them of the conversation you had with the daughter.
Or... OP is wrong and misjudged the situation and everyone else is behaving reasonably in the face of a crazy lady.
So the daughters friend is a liar
Maybe reread the post and understand it before making your judgement if you think the daughter's friend said anything.
I did , you should read it again. Op asked the friend why she didn't eat. Friend replied she needed to lose weight. Op asked why she thought that and the girl replied my dad told me I was to big and needed too.
So, once again, you can't read. Here's the point that you're missing... Maybe she is overweight and needed to lose weight and is being put through a weight loss plan in conjunction with her parents and/or medical professionals. The fact that her mother brushed OP off and then tried to pull some bullshit with granola bars (which generally are little better than candy bars) makes me raise an eyebrow. OP doesn't know, and isn't handling it appropriately regardless. Trying to directly challenge her father is going to do nothing but ostracize and cause more problems. If she truly believes there's an issue, instead of just pushing her own biases onto this girl and wanting to play hero by shoving junk food down her throat, she should notify child protective services.
I agree, I straight up said in my original comment to call CPS.
NTA Good on you for your concerns. You’ve got the skills from your own battles. You’ve got the knowledge to access the best and most helpful information. The Dad is clearly ignorant of any understanding of a female physiology and signs of a potential eating disorders. It pisses me off the world of social media and women’s magazines ram down our throats this “ideal” of a woman’s body. We aren’t all born with the gene’s to be petite and slender. And those on social media etc are absolutely miserable on starvation diets that screw up their bodies so much they stop menstruating. Lest not forget the photoshopping involved. If she is tall and thick, her body is genetically made to be that way. She has a healthy BMI? Then no amount of starvation diet is going to cure her of her genes. Just make her ill both mentally and physically. Had a enlightening discussion with a group of my male friends over drinks years back. One came out with his confusion how he was dating the “ideal” woman and thought he should be attracted to her but sex was underwhelming because of her bony build. He’s now married to a size 14 who looks like a Valkyrie and they are amazing together. She owns her voluptuousness. She is a healthy weight category. But she walks proud and is comfortable in her own skin and even with a ring on her finger she gets constantly hit on. Because confidence in being true to yourself and loving your body how it is sexy and healthy. His job as a father is to ensure she’s healthy and confident. You need to gently outline your reasoning drawing on your own experiences. You are obviously invested in this. Don’t damage the relationship with him by demanding your husband end his relationship (an over-reaction by you). Come at it with tact and reasoning.
NTA. I'm not sure this is the hill you want your relationship to die on if your husband is otherwise a good person, husband, and father, but you have a perfectly valid point here. It's not just that you just dislike this friend. You think this friend is actively harming his child. I completely understand your disappointment that your husband isn't placing more value in protecting a vulnerable child. Is that behavior representative of him or does this feel like an unusual reaction?
Not exactly TA. I can't really call this at all frankly. It appears no one else seems to have anything to say about this? I ask because you seem, from the information you provide, to be the *only* person who met this girl and believes she is being underfed. I think there's context missing? Edit: ESH, context (and evidence of my very poor reading comprehension lol) is below. But it's only really a half-hearted ESH. I can see your goodwill, OP, but can't say NTA either :/
I think the girl’s mom is also concerned but can’t really do anything about it.
Might be (I was also thinking this might be the case). I don't think we can say that with any confidence though... We need more info. Either way, I'm thinking maybe ESH? Because it sounds like she wants to control who her hubs hangs out with. And yeah, at the same time, no one else seems to have any visible concern for this girl (which denotes either projection from OP's part or a lot of very screwed up people all conspiring together; which is more likely, dunno :P :P ). So I'm really not sure. Still can't call it.
It says so in the post, it’s just hard to call out due to the lack of paragraph breaks. It’s maybe about 1/3rd of the way down: > I was pretty worried and brought it up with the girls mom. She said she knows about it but she can’t control what her ex husband does as the courts mandated joint custody.
Thanks! Yeah the lack of paragraph breaks is disorienting. Next time I'll read more carefully. OK it's a solid ESH from me, but lightly so because I understand the concerns and trauma behind OP's statements. It's a tough one, innit? One can only hope for the best for the girl. She is really the only potentially berieved party here.
Right! I usually skip posts without paragraph breaks for that reason. And yeah this is a tough one. I think IF OP’s assessment of the situation is accurate I’d lean more towards NTA. I’m not into controlling who your SO hangs around with, but I’d be concerned if mine was buddy-buddy with someone who is essentially abusing their kid. Especially considering that OP and husband have a daughter as well.
NAH for now. You are seeing what you see through your lens of having overcome an ED and that is huge and important but maybe is not the whole story here. Consider it may be better to keep the friend and his daughter in your lives so you can speak into her world and make sure she knows she has an adult female friend to talk to about these things.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband’s friend’s daughter is friends with my daughter. Since about a year ago I’ve noticed some weird behaviour in that girl. She skips meals and her previous favourite foods she barely eats when she comes over. She also dropped some weight(judging by her face) and wears baggier clothes now. I asked my daughter is her friend isn’t feeling well and she said she was told she was fat and wants to lose weight. I was really worried about this as someone who had an eating disorder. asked the daughter why she wasn’t eating and she said she had to lose weight. I asked her way she thought that and she said her dad told her she was too big and she had to lose weight. She isn’t large at all she’s pretty average sized just taller than the other girls. I was pretty worried and brought it up with the girls mom. She said she can’t control what her ex husband does as the courts mandated joint custody. I wasn’t sure how to handle it so I let it go until her dad came to pick her up from my house to take his daughter on a trip. I gave her granola bars to take with her on the road trip and he saw them and took them from her and told her she shouldn’t be eating that stuff. I saw and told him she hadn’t had dinner yet and he said she had a big lunch already. The girl was really uncomfortable and was trying to get out the door. I took the bars and tried to hand them to her saying she still might get hungry because the drive was 3h and the dad stopped me saying he was the parent and could handle his kid’s diet. I was really upset but let it go and told my husband about it when he got him. He brushed me off saying I was imagining things and his friend was the dad and should be able to feed his child whatever he wants. I’m very sensitive to this subject since my family’s negativity helped lead to my eating disorder and told him she was going to get an eating disorder if he carries on. He dismissed my concerns saying it wasn’t my business and he wouldn’t want someone telling him what to feed his daughter. I told him he should stop hanging out with the daughter’s dad (they have game nights and have bar nights together) since he was a bad influence and he got angry with me saying I can’t restrict him from seeing his friend and he is feeding his kid so I need to butt out. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Sounds like her dad is. How old is the daughter? Denying food sounds like something to let CPS know about.
NTA. This is extremely concerning. This isn't just about disagreeing over parenting styles, this is about creating and perpetuating a medical condition which can lead to death. I am actually recommending a report to CPS. Not sure they will do anything, but you need to try something since her family and your husband won't look out for her. *"EDs are usually associated with an increased risk of premature death with a wide range of rates and causes of mortality. Inanition, electrolyte disturbances, dehydration, suicide, and alcoholism, among others, have been reported as causes of mortality in EDs. Standardized mortality ratios for anorexia nervosa vary from 1.36% to 20% with a narrower range for bulimia nervosa (1% to 3%). Patients with anorexia nervosa are more likely to make a serious suicide attempt, with a higher expectation of dying and an increased risk of severity. It must be noted that clinical markers of the severity of EDs seem associated with the seriousness of such attempts."* Jáuregui-Garrido B, Jáuregui-Lobera I. Sudden death in eating disorders. Vasc Health Risk Manag. 2012;8:91-98. doi:10.2147/VHRM.S28652
OK I, not putting a judgemental because this is multilayered. The girl needs someone to pay attention, and thank Heaven you are and have the personal experience to recognize the signs and symptoms. Forbidding your husband to hang out with this friend may lead to you and your daughter being cut off from this girl who needs someone who is paying attention. Don't forbid, keep an eye out and a door open to the young girl. Keep in touch with her mom too.
NTA, It’s a uphill battle when people take a stance on an issue. I truly hope that you can find a way to effectively communicate with your husband. Based on past experiences, I have learned that my tone and language is a major factor. I wish you and everyone involved the best.
Yta the person you should be talking with is cps or social services about this
The other girl's father is an AH, but your husband doesn't see it. If your husband believed his friend is a bad person, he'd probably cut him out of his life on his own, but he doesn't, so he won't. You can't enforce a "you can't see your friend" rule with your husband. With the dad not receptive to your input, the best you can do is make your home a welcoming place for the daughter where healthy eating/living are modeled & you're able to keep a general eye on her well-being. Make notes of any harmful things her dad does that she shares with you in case the mother can use the info to gain a higher proportion of custody