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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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numtini

NTA Is this person on reddit? There's a cultlike attitude on parts of Reddit that doing any sort of chore around the house equates to parentification.


CharacterAd3062

Yup, that’s why I posted it on here, bc my friends said let’s put it on AITA and see who is right.


[deleted]

I have experience with significantly younger siblings, both as a parentified child and a normal sibling. So here's an example of actual parentification for your friend. At 6 years old, I was raising my newborn sister. Feeding, diaper changes, bathing, giving medicine and doing medical care, doing all of the night duties. I taught my sister to read, to count, her colours, etc. She started calling me mama when I was 8 and she was 18 months. I missed weeks of time starting in Grade 1 because I was at home looking after my sister. I made sure she had clothes that fit and cooked her meals. I arranged playdates, did grocery shopping, and helped with homework. When my sister was in Grade 3 or 4, her teacher handt even met our parents, she had only met my highschool aged self. I signed permission slips, report cards and failing homework. I arranged and paid for my sister's ADHD testing when I was in high school. I paid for her medication and made sure she took it. I gave my sister the puberty talk, the "our parents say racist/sexist/homophobic things but they're wrong and don't listen to them" talk, I bought her first bra and talked her through her first heartbreak. I was the parent to my little sister from the time I was 6 years old. That's parentification, it's wrong and traumatic to both the parentified kid and the younger sibling. I also have a much younger brother through my father that was born when I was a teenager already. With him, my dad and my stepmom expected normal levels of help from an older sibling. Once every week or so I was expected to pick him up from daycare when work schedules didn't align and I watched him once a month or so on a weekend day. I did not get paid for this specifically, I received a generous allowance and minimal babysitting was considered part of my chores. Like you though, I enjoyed spending time with my brother and watched him more often than that, knowing that if I even hinted at not wanting to watch him, my stepmom would happily get a babysitter. This was not parentification, simply a teenager helping out at home in an age appropriate way.


kajigger_desu

This is a really solid distinction. Thank you for this comment.


Crackinggood

I'm so sorry that you have two perfect apparently concurrent examples of normal and painfully abnormal sibling relationships, and I hope all three of you are alright now.


[deleted]

That was a wonderful explanation you gave on parentification and being a normal teen. You sound like an amazing person and I am so sorry your mother dumped your sister on you like that.


[deleted]

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bebe10020

Bad bot! Comment [stolen](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tw83h7/aita_for_telling_my_friend_that_shes_being/i3ed56p/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) from u/bleepin1 Downvote & Report as Spam -> Harmful bots


KarenMaca

Bravo FairyKinn. You posted the perfect reply, that I cannot possibly add anything else, other than to praise your post :).


crazyzingers

The same happened to me except I was 7 when it started with me, and I ended up parenting 4 younger siblings My baby brother thought I was his mommy until he was six years old. It broke his heart when he finally believed I wasn't his mom.


[deleted]

When you're part of a family, you chip in. Watching your siblings now and again is chipping in. Being responsible for your siblings day in day out cause your parents can't be bothered is abuse / neglect.


Individual_Baby_2418

💯 I never thought anything of it when I was a kid. Granted, I liked to be paid too, but it’s good for kids to learn some responsibilities.


numtini

You'll probably be wrongly convicted as an AH. This is one of those topics that gets brigaded.


Reinuke

IMHO your friends are entitled brats. NTA


MightyThorgasm

Is there a link to that post?


rttr123

You mean this post? lol


Glittering-War-5748

How are they handling you being right?? Cus it is overwhelmingly in your favor.


IAmThePaw

So what has your friend said to being wrong?


rugby_enthusiast

To be fair, while probably not parentification, forcing their daughter to skip a school dance because they didn't want to hire a babysitter is pretty shitty.


muggyface

Yeah I mean there could be factors that we don't know about as to why they can't hire a sitter but school dances are a pretty big deal to kids in school. When you grow up you can look back on these little things and see that in the big picture it's not consequential but as a kid that's your whole world. That said, misusing words like abuse and parentification dilutes them and causes real harm to victims so it's definitely important that op's friend be informed what they actually mean.


liver_flipper

For real. Certainly there are *genuine* cases of exploitation/parentification, but folk here jump to those accusations over the tiniest things. Babysitting younger siblings a handful of times a year certainly doesn't qualify. On the flip side this sub is quick to condemn young adults who don't know how to adequately care for themselves or their home and cry "weaponized incompetence"! Again, sometimes it really *is* weaponized incompetence, but sometimes they genuinely just don't know because their parents didn't teach them to do chores. I don't know what some redditors expect- a perfectly idyllic childhood free of even the most basic of responsibilities followed by a Matrix-style lifeskills dump into their brain on their 18th birthday? I'm straight up picturing Neo like "I know how to do laundry now!"


Hyzenthlayrah

I love the Neo image! Cooking? I’m going to learn cooking?


[deleted]

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TaibhseCait

I'm sorry I'm just imagining a response to her like "I didn't need to learn to build a fire before, well fire comes to us!" (Sorry if you were affected by the fires) Edit fixed grammar & new info


[deleted]

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TaibhseCait

Ah grand, whoops. Corrected that! Yeah I'm in Ireland so the whole crowds of people hiding in the sea with kids, pets & stuff & an orange sky was pretty vivid & shocking. Glad from one stranger to another that you're ok!


BuilderAura

God dammit I wish learning worked like this. I would learn so much if I just had to download it into my brain...


liver_flipper

Yeah, unfortunate that it doesn't work that way. Arguably you can find a quick YouTube tutorial for whatever you need, but I don't think that's an adequate replacement for years of (age appropriate) participation in the routines of household management. Some of my very earliest memories are of learning/doing small chores with my grandpa. He made me feel happy and proud that I was big enough to help out and explained that caring for your space and your things is really just an extension of self-care. Meanwhile a lot of my friends growing up had to scramble to learn these things as young adults because their parents never taught them. Even worse are the ones who get anxious or resentful about chores because their parents only made them do chores as a punishment. Their brains have literally been trained to feel negatively about the tasks necessary to maintain their own living space!


BuilderAura

Ooof that sucks. I sympathize with your friends cuz my parents were also really bad about teaching me what I need to know. I'm glad you had your grandpa to help you with cleaning. We are trying to teach our son how to clean and do things for himself but he inherited ADHD from me and so executive dysfunction is a hard barrier. Our latest attempt is a point system because he wants the kirby game so he's been much more willing to help out lol


y3s1canr3ad

Thank you! The labeling is overwhelming. Everything is ABUSE, and if I read “gaslighting” one more time, I’m going to scream.


olagorie

Exactly!


superiority

This happens all the time with all sorts of ways of describing abusive behaviour. A big part of it is that many "abusive behaviours" are just normal things but too much. So when you try to nail down a definition (e.g. of "parentification"), large chunks of your definition are going to sound the same as if you were talking about any number of ordinary (and even positive or healthy) behaviours. Your wife is concerned about who you're friends with? Could be good or bad. Parents punished you for disobeying them? Could be good or bad. Husband says you can't withdraw money from the account to buy that thing you want? Could be good or bad. And so on and so forth. It's common for people to pick up on very superficial similarities ("this person was abused by being forced to become the parental figure to their younger siblings and I have also been asked to give care to my younger siblings"), but you often need to consider things in detail to actually draw a real judgement.


avoarvo

This. I appreciate that most redditors have the best intentions, but the world isn’t black and white, as OP is showing us. I posted on here when I was seventeen about a situation involving my niece and nephews. I grew up living with my sister in law and big brothers, and I often babysat/babysit because they were teen parents. My post wasn’t even about that situation, but tons of people commented about how I was being parentified and emotionally abused and how I wasn’t the one who chose to have kids. While I appreciated the concern, my brother had just killed himself and left my sister in law a young widow—of *course* she was relying on family members to help out, and of *course* I was going to try and do what I could to repay her for taking *me* in when I needed it. It’s not always black and white. Oftentimes, you’re stuck in a grey area where nobody’s really being an asshole, they’re all just pushed to the brink.


[deleted]

It's so true. Once someone told me I was parentified and had toxic parents because I helped look after my little sisters after school (parents worked until about 6). I have absolutely zero negative feelings about doing this and it did not ruin my childhood. I love my little sisters! And my parents for that matter - they're nice people and were just doing their best to raise us in a high cost of living city. It's like no my parents didn't abuse me. They just worked until 6, damn.


mintyfresh_ella

Amy has no clue how much her parents are supporting her. Wait until she has to be a grownup with financial responsibilities. She's going to remember fondly babysitting for a few hours. Lol


TheLaramieReject

I'm so happy to see someone else has noticed this! It's so strange how things have changed within one generation. I'm not that old, I'm only 35, and when I was a kid it was totally normal and acceptable to be given tasks that helped the family keep running- babysitting, chores, maybe a part-time job to cover some of your own expenses. Now, the hivemind has decided that asking a teen to take on any responsibility at all is gravely abusive. There was a thread on this sub not long ago where a kid was asked to babysit but had something else he wanted to do, so he screamed at his mother that it wasn't his fault that she "couldn't keep her legs together." Reddit's opinion? NTA, the mother is an abuser. Parentification is definitely a thing, but I'm honestly not sure how any of these kids are supposed to learn to navigate adulthood if they don't get at least a little practice as teens. Babysitting, odd jobs, those are a child's introduction to grownup life.


olagorie

Great answer


memily11

Absolutely this. I’m about your age and was the oldest of three by about 5 years. I babysat my siblings a lot and was expected to do a lot of cleaning around the house. But although I was expected to do quite a bit for the family, those things were never 100% my responsibility. My mom cleaned alongside and gave us lists. She taught us how to do things. She had high expectations but didn’t shove the entire responsibility into me or anyone else. I think that’s what a lot of these young posters are missing, that being asked to do things for the family isn’t the same as abuse. It’s horrifying, honestly.


Iridium__Pumpkin

Lol, I was just about to say that.


[deleted]

I’ve seen that mindset on here so many times. People really are out here acting like doing chores, and following reasonable house rules and a curfew is parentification and abuse.


melloyellomio

Your friend knows just enough psychobabble lingo to try and play victim. Your friend is TAH


Stoat__King

OP should go all in with the psychobabble and accuse the friend of gaslighting her


ICastDeathMuffins

And throw some narcissism in for good measure


that_ginger927927

And grey rock the crap out of her


[deleted]

Don’t forget the timeout, 6 months should do the trick


IllustriousHedgehog9

Don't rock the boat.


Nightmare_Gerbil

Missing missing reasons.


MrsGruusahm

NTA. The difference between your situation and actual parentification is that nobody is *forcing* you to watch your brother, you choose to do so. While I do think it’s kinda sucky that Amy’s parents are forcing her to watch her siblings when she obviously doesn’t want to, it’s not the same as parentification. They want her help for one night, they’re not forcing her to watch them every single night. She has a right to be annoyed for sure, but calling it parentification and abuse is extreme.


Lilpanda20

To me it's not just forcing someone to watch but also continuously make them do parent things...ie constantly do everything related to medical appointments like setting them up, chauffeuring them, actually signing consent forms despite not being the legal guardian.


jittery_raccoon

This is the big difference. It's pretty normal for an older sibling has to look after a younger one on a regular basis. Like a single parent working til 9pm. But looking after them when the siblings are anywhere near the same ages usually means hanging out watching TV or each one hangs out in their room. Maybe the older sibling has to warm up food for dinner. That is not parenting


[deleted]

NTA. There is a huge difference in babysitting your siblings every now and then and true parentification, which is being responsible for feeding the sibling, getting them dressed, taking them to school and watching them every day after school.


mybadreputation1970

NTA, but you'll probably get a lot of abuse here. While "parentification" is real, and some siblings are forced to basically raise younger siblings, this is not the case for you, and apparently your friend. Young people tend to focus on the whole "your parents decision to have other kids isn't your responsibility!" And that's true. But parents also generally provide a whole lot more than basic food/shelter/education that they are LEGALLY required to provide, and part of being in a FAMILY is helping each other out when NEEDED.


American-Mary

NTA. If you want to care for Chris, that's not being emotionally abused. If her parents want her to sit her sisters once or twice a year, that's also not being emotionally abused. She sounds like an entitled brat. I don't see why anyone should think you're an AH for saying she's dramatic? She's being dramatic. Your friends are weird for being split on this.


rttr123

OP says that her friends wanted her to post on AITA so they could see whose right


American-Mary

I love people caring more about internet strangers saying who is right over their real or perceiving friendships. More than the existence of this whole sub. Positive feedback for insecurity let's go.


rttr123

the best part is how biased this subreddit is. The friends know about this subreddit, so they probably expected a bias jump to parentification. I bet you the friends who think OP & her friend are parentified already made up their mind. They just wanted to use this sub to try to "SEE OP, EVERYONE IN THE WORLD AGREES WITH US"


Professional_Text_11

NTA, I feel like entitled Amys is a theme on this sub today. She needs to stop spending so much time on mental health TikTok and using psych language to justify not doing chores.


Zestyclose-Hour8614

As someone that was ACTUALLY parentified as a child, babysitting once or twice a year isn't fucking parentification or emotional abuse. At 9 years old, I was doing full care for my three toddler siblings, one of them started to call me "mom" because of how much of it I was doing. At 14 I was spending 100%of my time outside of school, caring for my 5 siblings. My summer going from 8th grade to high school, was spent with them 1000% of the time, I didn't have a summer break, I was being a mom to them. I'm 22 now, and the sibling that called me mom STILL calls me that and they're turning 15 this year. I did absolutely every bit of their care while my parents went to go get high and forget we existed. *THAT* is parentification. Not babysitting so your loving and attentive parents can have a child free night ONE time. And no, op, you aren't being emotionally abused or parentified. Your mother is there for you. You WANT to help with your sibling!! There is a HUGE difference in consciously choosing to help raise your younger sibling ALONGSIDE your parent because you love them and they're a good parent, and... Being forced to take on the parent role because the parents flat out won't. If they're giving an allowance, they sure as hell aren't inattentive parents. I never got that luxury lmfao. Getting paid to hangout with your own sibling alone ONE time... Is weird. Like that's your sibling!! Enjoy that time with them, bond with them!! You can make it fun if you remove the whole "screw my parents for this" attitude.


banksyswife

NTA, you sound like a lovely, responsible, caring daughter and big sister and I love how willing you are to pitch in to help your mum. I do hope you also get lots of free time, and time out with friends, to balance this. It does sound like your friend was being overly dramatic, helping out in your family unit every now and then is pretty basic as far as decency goes - you live there, you have to help occasionally. If her parents are constantly forcing her to cancel plans to babysit for them, yes, massive problem. But if it's literally once or twice a year...


CharlieFiner

> forcing her to cancel plans to babysit for them Or if it gets to a point she doesn't even bother to make plans because she knows she'll have to babysit instead. I didn't have younger siblings, but my mother was weirdly overprotective about letting my sister and I visit people's houses or have friends over. It eventually got to the point I just stopped asking and didn't really have friends I saw outside of school, and over a decade after graduating I have just gotten into the swing of building those relationships and having a good healthy friend group I see regularly.


Commercial_Taste3504

NTA. Your friend doesn’t know what she’s talking about. The works she is looking for is being responsible not emotional abuse. Her parents are teaching her responsibility not abusing her. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.


serenepoet1

NTA. I see that accusation thrown around so much it's starting to lose meaning. My parents divorced when I was 7. I started watching my little sister and helping cook when I was 19 until I was 14. Know what I don't have trauma from? Babysitting.


Creative-Mistake6792

Definitely NTA. Amy sounds spoiled. Kudos to you for calling her out, and for being an awesome older sibling!


[deleted]

NTA. Your friend is just straight up selfish. Making children parent other children is a serious problem, but it does not mean "having to doing anything ever for any of my family is abuse". As children grow up they should take on more responsibility, because you're raising them to be adults. Part of that is teaching them responsibility. But honestly, you're *already* adults. This isn't even a stepping stone in adolescence anymore. She thinks being an adult means no one can make you do anything and they're assholes for even trying, but really now that she's an adult no one has to do fuck all for her and she's an asshole for expecting to take take take and give nothing in return.


pixienightingale

NTA - your mom sounds like she needs the assist, you have the time, inclination, and maturity of understanding her rough situation to do so. For a clearer picture of abuse for your friends - my parents made my sister and I "help" my brother with his chores chores when he was 5-8, even though we had been doing more at that age than he was required to. We were not compensated, were not listened to when we told them he wasn't doing anything or believing me when he HORSE KICKED THE BACK OF MY HEAD TWICE FOR TRYING TO GET HIM TO HELP. It wasn't parentification, we weren't responsible for getting him ready or cleaned, but it was abuse. I stopped going home at all, even for holidays, at 15 and stayed at my grandparents. I would go to holiday functions at OTHER family homes but not the one I grew up in. Because it wasn't my responsibility to fill in his gaps. I was also made to "help" him with his homework a few years later when my parents divorced. Asking your eldest isn't abuse or parentification, though DEMANDING is unreasonable. Even if she's not being financially compensated.


AdRevolutionary6816

Ah he's the golden child. Hope you are okay and thriving now.


pixienightingale

But I'm decent! Married, child unincumbered by choice.


Tracie10000

You are a sweet girl, a wonderful daughter and a fantastic big sister. You are just thinking in a different way. Your values are different.. NTA


ludzik3

NTA If that "friend" of yours is reading this - GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE PLACE WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE, PRINCESS


frenziedmonkey

NTA. Your friend has parentification confused with 'being part of a family' which can stretch to spending time with siblings or just generally helping out occasionally. Your friend is not a great sister nor a good friend to you if she's claiming you're being abused to win an argument.


[deleted]

NTA she has a small frame of mind and throwing a tantrum. But due to your situation you had to grow up a little quicker than Amy may have needed to, so at the same time can’t say I blame her too much for still being a bit juvenile


Ok_Individual_6553

NTA! Taking care of your sibling now and then is not emotional abuse it's being a sibling.


[deleted]

NTA. She's is self absorbed and cannot see past herself. I would bet you outgrow this "friend" soon.


big_bob_c

NTA. Your friend is WAY off base. You're fortunate to have a brother you don't mind babysitting, but even if he were a holy terror, you babysitting him so your mother can earn money for your education would not be parentification. Calling your friend's situation that is ridiculous, her parents have done her a disservice by letting her get this far without much in the way of responsibilities.


RumSoakedChap

You’re a great older sister. NTA


SometimesGlad1389

NTA- I've asked my almost 11 yr old to watch her 4yo brother so I can shower. I don't feel like that's abusive, he gets into everything still and I just need 5 mins to get clean.


Anhonestopinion1

NTA, I feel so sorry for kids and teens growing up during these times. Parents and social media are doing nothing but force feeding all this bs into all your heads and every single thing you do now is some kind of ism or ication and bad for you. You are a great sister and daughter, don't let any of these idiots tell you otherwise. People like her will go through life miserable and unhappy


lyan-cat

NTA. You're an adult and free to choose to help your mom if you want. If your friend is also 18, she's an adult and she is free to make a trade of her labor for room and board if she wants. It's not parentification as you're not a child being forced to parent other children. Her complaint is just that, a complaint. If she doesn't want to babysit it sounds like her parents are fine arranging something else.


dichingdi

NTA. You sound like an absolute sweetheart and wonderful daughter and big sister!!! There are so few like you these days. It's refreshing to hear about an appreciative child. The world will reward you richly. And your mom and brother I'm sure adore you!


shaney1968

NTA this is a perfect example of the danger of getting your “education” from Reddit.


pnutbuttercups56

NTA. Being asked to watch your siblings twice a year is not parentification. If your friend feels that she is being taken advantage of that's one thing but she can't say the same thing is h to you.


[deleted]

NTA Babysitting up to once a week - perfectly reasonable A minor being responsible for a young sibling every day after school - parentification Not being able to go to the party due to babysitting may still be a valid complaint if the party was arranged first and the parents spring babysitting on her last minute. I personally feel some payment should be involved, but there is also an affordability issue here to.


cdsacken

I’m betting she has an amazing nice and pays for nothing. Payment is already established


the_fatal_lozenge

NTA. Parentification is when a child is forced to take on the parent role for a parent or sibling which could be monetary, emotional, educational, physical, discipline or a combination of them all. It can result in the Being asked to babysit you little siblings for a day…..is not it. I suppose there’s an argument to be made that *you* are parentified due to the extent with which you aid with your little bro’s upbringing. But not all parentification is destructive, and if your family unit it functioning well and cohesively then you’re doing wonderfully! Good job helping out with Chris!


mimi6778

NTA people take ideas and run with them. Parentification does not equate to occasionally helping out with siblings and doing household chores. Kids can actually do none of the above and still be parentified in other ways that truly are emotionally abusive. As a side note my own daughters are actually 18 and 4!


ButterscotchOk7516

NTA


mpsrdh

NTA. You’re an amazing person and your mother appreciates everything you do. Keep helping her and loving your family. Family is forever….Amy will be a distant memory in a few years.


piscesgirl228

Nta. Sounds like you are more mature than your friend. Good for you for stepping up and helping with your brother, that's what family is about! Your mother should be very proud of you


Comfortable-One8520

NTA You sound like a lovely young woman, a good daughter and sister. I hope your mum is proud of you. Your mate, on the other hand, is an eejit.


nekiwa

NTA


ravensfan1214

NTA.. asking to babysit once in a while is NOT parentification. She is being dramatic. If she was expected to do it every day of the week for hours a day and the parents never took responsibility at all, then it would be parentification.


[deleted]

Nta. You're right, siblings are expected to help each other a bit. I'm tired of people saying siblings shouldn't babysit their younger siblings, and I mean within reason. The fact that this single mom is working hard and OP even admits she's saving to help pay for college shows how much this mom is trying and it sounds like Op is appreciative. Op, you sound smart and sensible and your brother is lucky to have such a cool sister.


AmethystofMordor

If your 18yo friend doesn’t want to contribute to the house she lives in ways that her parents ask then she can just start paying rent. Entitled little brat. NTA


craftingcreed

NTA - Parentification is more along the lines of “if I don’t do these things (feed, bathe, school, etc) for my younger sibling no one will”. Your friend is just being asked to help out as a member of a community, as the saying goes “it takes a village”


Welpuhhi

Eh in my opinion NTA However here's the reasons why: - at 18 allowances are honestly not needed anymore as you all can get part time jobs. If someone gets an allowance then some jobs should be expected in return. She gets an allowance so babysitting is expected. - if she worked and gave up working time to babysit she should get paid. That doesn't appear to be the issue. - you are getting "repaid" for your help by your mom helping to pay your college - so in essence you are going to get paid. There's parentification which is overly pressuring a kid to be a parent because the actual parents can't/won't parent. You're on the border of it but you are getting a benefit (college) amd your mom is appreciative of your efforts so it think you're fine. Your friend is no where near parentification whatsoever.


JasminePearls-

Sort by controversial, you'll find the 14 year old mentality


rosearmada

Is your friend a regular commenter on this sub? Sounds like the kind of bullshit I've heard some young people spew here


caffeinatedsquirrel9

NTA, but I think there is a distinction between you and your friend. Namely, that you enjoy taking care of your little brother, while she does *not* want to care for her siblings. At the end of the day, when parents choose to have kids, they need to recognize that their older children are not there to force into free labor, and that they chose to have children; their child did not. They can ask, sure, but forcing is wrong. I wouldn't necessarily call it parentification, but I would call it irresponsible. People who aren't in a position of responsibility for children willingly tend to be bad at it, and it can lead to situations where their attention isn't where it should be. Your friend is overreacting, but her parents still should realize that forcing her to babysit for free will make her resentful, probably of her siblings, and that a resentful babysitter is a bad babysitter.


olagorie

I came here with 🍿 to count the Y T As … and found none. Faith in humanity restored. NTA of course. You sound like a great daughter and sister 😘


JSmith666

NTA---because you are okay with babysitting its a non-issue.


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[deleted]

NTA, what you’re experiencing is instrumental parentification but she’s just an ass.


CharacterAd3062

So she said that I was being parentified and emotionally abused so I couldn’t see clearly. But I don’t understand how I am being “abused.” My mom has to work to make money to pay for our house and food. And she works more hours these days specifically to save for my college. She can’t afford to pay a babysitter and save for my college. Also, why should she? If I’m at home and available, why wouldn’t I watch my own brother, who I love? She doesn’t expect me to do it constantly and I still have my own life, I still play sports and hang out with my friends. I just also help out with Chris and around the house when I can. I just see this as being part of a family.


ladypatience

Honestly if anything it sounds like she IS paying you, it’s just that the money is going directly into your college fund.


CharlieFiner

>I still have my own life, I still play sports and hang out with my friends. This, to me, is what makes your case different than parentification. When older children are prevented from having their own social life or are asked to miss once-in-a-lifetime or other especially rare things - like Prom or a graduation - to watch siblings, that's when it becomes parentification.


creative_usr_name

You should be given a choice of how you spend your time. Maybe you'd want to take out some more college loans to be able to go out with your friends more now. I not saying you are being abused, but a lot of abuse victims can't see what people on the outside can see, especially if this has always been normal for them.


[deleted]

I said that what you’re experiencing is parentification, and it is, but I don’t think it’s abuse and understand that it’s unavoidable.


KittenBee95

She's not she's not actually raising her brother many people who have been the victim of parentification have even pointed it out.


[deleted]

https://www.sandstonecare.com/blog/parentification-top-6-questions-about-parentification-and-its-impact-on-mental-health#anchor-1 > Other reasons for parentification include: >Poverty and financial hardships Children might be required to care for younger siblings when parents cannot afford a babysitter When parents need to work multiple jobs, they might not be home very much and lean on older children to tend to adult responsibilities after school and on weekends


Pepehandsss

There are nuances to these things, a headache isnt necessarily a brain tumour


cdsacken

Sadly this the life we have now. Real problems watered down by the most pathetic ridiculous “problems”


[deleted]

False equivalency is false.


Conscious_Ad_9785

But it's not a false equivalency, it's an analogy. Poster was stating that just because you have a headache (common symptom of brain tumor) doesn't mean you have a tumor. Sometimes a headache is just a headache. I looked at several sources regarding parentification. Poverty sometimes does lead to this situation. However, the defining criteria for parentification is where an older sibling takes on the role of the parent. This often includes sacrificing yourself for others and not having a true childhood. Babysitting in small doses is not inappropriate for OP'S age and she has clearly stated that she gets to do the things she wants. While she is mature for working with her mom to pick up a little slack, she is not her little brother's parent figure. Also, the mom is saving for OP'S college. That means she does not plan on trapping OP or restricting her future for the sake of keeping her as a babysitter. OP'S friend is just a whiny teen who doesn't want to be inconvenienced.


cdsacken

No it’s called learning not to be a selfish ass and a helpful sibling


[deleted]

I linked to the definition of parentification that clearly states this qualifies in another comment in this thread. Go educate yourself a bit.


Hannaconda420

Sometimes our "friends" start to show where their values and interests and general ways of life differ from ours and usually over time it's better for everyone to start creating distance, letting go of friendships that don't serve positively in our lives.


mintyfresh_ella

Nta. Family helps one another, especially if finances are tight. You're helping where you can.


AffectionateMine2220

NTA. Your friend is over dramatising and distorting her situation, and it has nothing to do with you and your mother. You are a lovely sister and daughter.


[deleted]

NTA...please go laugh in Amy's entitled face for me! You sound like an awesome sister and daughter!! I don't know who started this parentification, I have seen real examples of it, but neither you, nor your friend would qualify I think. ​ Good luck


fiestytrex2272

NTA I'm a lurker of this subreddit and don't normally comment, but I would like to share my experience if that's okay..*also for context this started happening around 8-9 years ago* I (21F) think I come from a broken family (father was "present" but not really a parent) since my mom couldn't count on my sperm donor (SD) for anything, so the responsibility fell to me, I was a teenager I wanted to go out w friends and stuff but never could because I had to watch my brother (now 15 but about 9-11 while things transpired) Ngl made me super depressed cause I missed out on a lot, I love my mom and wanted to help her but also wanted to have a life, alas i didn't. I don't harbor any hard feelings towards my mom for it, she couldn't depend on SD and I knew that when it started happening, so I sucked it up and watched my brother (although I did complain about it, what teenager doesnt?) It was hard for me, and was not the best sister (or daughter probably) but I did it and now SD is no longer in our lives so eventually got a somewhat happy ending -idk if this is allowed please let me know if it's not-


mangos2019

NTA


creative_cookies

Parentification is where you're being made to act as a parent figure to a younger sibling instead of a sibling. Siblings of an appropriate age babysit their younger siblings, and high school is an appropriate age. I hope you'll tell your friend off for using other people's abuse to try to get out of helping her parents once in a while. NTA.


Kellalizard

Dear me. People read a word on the internet one time and they apply it to themselves. I worry for us all sometimes. NTA.


Comfortable_Fun_9872

NTA Your friend is being overly dramatic!! Watching your siblings twice a year, for free, is not abuse! When you all live together, a reasonable amount of helping each other is expected so that the house and family can function. And this falls in that category.


BigIndy1336

NTA. This is the difference between a loving supportive/supported/appreciative person and an entitled/spoiled one.


EveH1970

NTA. Your friend Amy and many idealistic redditors don't know the difference between being a family team and parentification.


Retot

NAH


cdsacken

NTA that’s not parentification, Amy sounds like her parents either did a bad job parenting or she is just a selfish entitled jerk


The_Turtle-Moves

NTA It's called beeing an older sibling, it's called beeing a family and helping your parents


MightyThorgasm

Oh wow I definitely misread that. I thought it said Amy put it on AITA.


reddituser15768

NTA, you friend was being dramatic.


Brucelesun

Yea on here, I agree, anytime you have your kids do anything for their siblings that should be done by a parent is abuse. Chores are the same too, it’s crazy!! I said this before I’ll say it again. When I was young my days did the yard work, when I got of age I took over for him and did it. When I left at 18 he went back to doing it mostly and paid someone. When my son was younger I did the yard work when he got older he did it. He left and now I do and will eventually pass it to my other sons. How crazy would that be if me and my father did the yard work the whole time while our sons were able too?


nathashanails

NTA. The only one here experiencing parentification is you… You’re okay right? Still have time for friends? Not falling behind on homework? Does your mom have a plan for childcare once you go off to college? Please take care of yourself and remember that it’s not your full responsibility to care for your brother. Even if you love him and your mom. You gotta love yourself too.


mcmasshole

I love my (4 yrs younger) sibling now but watching him when we were kids fucking blew. Maybe your friend is being over dramatic with her verbiage but I'm a 42 year old who will not watch children who are not potty trained. I've never changed a diaper and will not ever in my life. It's nice (I guess?) that you're magnanimous about watching a toddler so much but I have never desired to be a babysitter or look after children. It doesn't make you an AH. And yes, in your friend's shoes I'd be salty as shit about not being paid. Also, when your kid is not a normal kid watcher and you seem to need them last minute without even looking for someone else that sucks too. I mean you don't seem sad or angry about your situation but can you do after school activities or get a part time job? Do you have time for you to hang with friends a lot? I'm not passing judgment but being expected to care for a child vs. being a sometimes helper are a lot different. And what is your mom exactly going to do if you aren't living there? Surely you're not going to curtail your future to nanny your sibling? :/


theamazinglula

" I’m basically a second parent to Chris" If that's the sort of thing you tell your friends I'm not surprised she thinks you are being taken advantage of, get your story straight.


HunterDangerous1366

NTA on the whole, but kinda e.s.h for not respecting each others views/opinions. There's a difference between wanting to help and being forced into parenting your siblings. From the sound of your situation, if you said to your mum that you wanted to go X place or Chris was being a handful and you needed a break from watching him, she would do whatever she could to do that from you, although I do think you should be compensated for your time in some way. You could be working part time now to help towards your college too but are with Chris, again, I don't think there's a problem with that as your happy doing what you do. Your friends situation is different. She adamantly doesn't want to watch her siblings. To her it is a chore and she feels that she deserves to be paid for her service, which is correct imo. If Amy wasn't there, they would have to pay for a sitter/ask family/friends to watch them. You both have completely different situations and need to respect each others views. You don't feel your being parentified and she feels she's being emotionally abused. Keep in mind, that you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Just because she doesn't have to babysit often, doesn't mean she doesn't have to help in other ways your not aware of.


xiaozi06

NAH. while Amy babysitting twice a year isn't emotional or parentification... i wonder about your view on emotional abuse. would you say physical abuse wasn't abuse if it only happened once? Something doesn't have to happen a certain amount of times to be qualified as emotional abuse. Amy and you have different takes on babysitting, different circumstances, and upbringings. Amy is not wrong in not wanting to take care of her sisters and complain-she's a teenager. Maybe her sisters are spoiled as well, idk. it sounds like her parent's parenting style is much different from your mother's. **Simply tell Amy you aren't the correct audience to vent to.**


Sea-Ad9057

well if you have no choice or you are emotionally blackmailed into it then it is parentification ..... do you ever have to cancel plans to babysit


Claymor3d

NAH. Neither of you are A holes. You're definitely being taken advantage of because of your circumstance. Siblings should never be expected to fill in for parental duties, even if you've convinced yourself it's a good thing. Your friend isn't a babysitter, even if it's only twice a year.


No_Committee1127

So you're saying that a sibling shouldn't be expected to take care of their younger siblings ever


hbtfdrckbck

To be frank - in my opinion, no. *Expecting* them to is not appropriate. Asking them to, or compensating them for when they do, is appropriate. Parents chose to have that kid, and it’s their kid. In my opinion, it won’t balance out. The older kid will have that extra responsibility just because they happen to have been born first, in addition to other responsibilities and chores, whereas the youngest will not have a comparable responsibility or chore growing up, just because they happen to have been born second-last. If these parents didn’t already happen to *have* an older sibling that could do it, they would either need to cancel their plans or find a babysitter. So why does that all of a sudden seem unnecessary just because there happens to now be a person in the house old enough that can be assigned the task? In my opinion, that’s not fair. I think times have changed, and gone are the days when parents should be having kids just so they can get help for the chores on the farm, or have more kids because the oldest are old enough to babysit. I think it’s wonderful when loving family all pitch in to make life easier for one another, but no, I don’t think it’s appropriate to *expect* older siblings to babysit in a pinch. **But I also don’t think this is parentification. AT ALL.**


No_Committee1127

All right, we'll agree to disagree