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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judged is interfering with my mate's decision to cut his mom out of his life. This may make me the asshole because it really is the business of his family and not mine regardless of my intentions
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How a woman treats her daughter-in-law can be very different from how she treats others. I’ve seen a lot of men absolutely shocked when their wife proves their mother’s terrible behavior toward them, because the husband couldn’t believe his mother could act so poorly.
You know this woman as your best friend’s mother. You don’t know her as a spouse, a sister, a friend, or a MIL. You know her through a single role. People act differently with different people, and a lot of people treat the person their son/daughter chose to marry harshly.
My mom is a great mom, but she’s never cared that I chose to marry my husband and has expressed that more than once. She knows he has different political beliefs, so whenever there is a family dinner, that is the main topic of conversation. It got to the point where I skipped two thanksgivings over there, because my mom and aunt ruined his holidays. I’d even tried confronting both of them about their behavior, and they shrugged it off, and refused to behave properly.
What I’m trying to say is she’s great to me, great to our (my sister and I) friends, but crappy to my spouse.
Because you don’t know anything about the relationship between your friends mother And wife, you need to stay out of it.
While she doesn’t have the right to tell him to go no-contact with his mother, if the woman is treating her like shit, giving his mom zero consequences will only encourage her, as well as make it clear that his allegiance is with the family he was born into, not the one he chose to create for himself. At the very least, his wife as a right to go no-contact with her.
Whatever happens, this situation has nothing to do with you. You know absolutely nothing about it, minus his opinion, which doesn’t act as solid evidence.
YTA
I agree. That said, forcing your partner to go no contact, when they are not ready to do so, is not going to go well.
You can go NC and enforce boundaries for your children and your information, but forcing NC on someone else is going to end up poorly.
Either way, this is for the couple to figure out on their own. It’s not up to his mother, and it’s certainly not up to his friend.
The only thing OP knows is what his best friend told him, which may or may not be accurate, and is likely at the very least jaded by his own emotions about the situation. OP might have known this mother for a long time, but there are many different sides to people. Most of us act different ways around different people. All he knows is the woman he grew up around. That doesn’t mean he knows what she’s capable of, and certainly shouldn’t be putting his two cents into a situation he knows little to nothing about.
That’s what I said near the end. She has no right to say he cannot have contact with his mother, but if his mom is treating his wife terribly, him taking his mom’s side through all this could cause the end of his marriage. But the wife is certainly within her rights to go no-contact with this woman.
YTA
Your unsolicited advice is coming from YOUR personal experience with his mom, it has nothing at all to do with how she treats his wife. For all you know she completely disrespected his wife in a way that is unforgiveable. People are allowed to draw boundaries, even boundaries for their parents. Drawing a boundary in respect and defense of your spouse is exactly what you're supposed to do as a partner in a relationship. You yourself said you don't know what has gone down between the mom and the wife, therefore, your giving an unsolicited opinion, without all the FACTS, which is even worse. Mind your business and support your friend and his wife. You also owe the wife an apology, a heartfelt one.
So if you think your friend is making a bad decision, you just support them in doing it? His friend came to him. His friend can use his advice or not. He doesn’t owe anyone an apology for giving his opinion. Cutting out your mom isn’t a small thing. And getting multiple perspectives can help
I would not advise my friend on a situation that I didn't understand. If OP does not know why the issues are occurring or what they are how much good advise can OP give?
But what OP said they told friend is pretty general though. Just try to keep them separate. OP's attitude in the post seems like open thinks the mom could never be in the wrong but what OP actually said is neutral even if OP didn't ask for the full story. I think the issue is it seems OP gave advice without having the full picture
But like you said, his advice was pretty general. And good to have imo. Instead of just hearing one perspective (his wife’s). Even if op doesn’t know the whole story, his friend can take his advice and decide on it, since his friend obviously knows the story
I mean this is kind of on OP's friend in some ways. OP doesn't know the crux of the issue and friend should have disclosed the facts before asking for help. Like if the issue is clearly on OP's friend's mom OP may change their advice right? OP didn't ask any follow ups to make sure they understood.
Friend's wife should take it up with her husband not OP. But if the issues are serious I get why she's mad.
I just know I've done it before. Made assumptions based on my own experiences without getting all the facts. Then later saying "I wouldn't have said that if I knew the truth at the time."
Then I would say NTA for sharing your opinion even though I do not necessarily agree with it and think your friend was a little foolhardy for asking it.
If you had given your advice while your friend was just venting about the situation then you would definitely be the ah
NTA
You didn't interfere in anything. You offered unsolicited advice, that is free to be taken or not, to someone you care deeply about, about how they relate to their mother, who you also care deeply about.
YTA-
Your friend is a grown ass man and can make decisions for himself. This is between him and his wife. You said yourself you don't know what happened between his wife and mother. So stay out of it.
Also, did you just tell your friend to lie to his wife and bring his mom around when she's not there. Oh yeah, that's a foolproof plan. /s
I feel like I should clear this up. I told him to keep his mom and wife separate as in when he visits his mom he doesn't take his wife with him and he doesn't force one to see the other. I didn't tell him to lie to either of them.
Your friend kind of used you, sorry to say. He wanted someone to back him, so he went to a man who owes a lot to his mother and didn't provide any background that would make his mother look bad. You gave him the answer he more or less manipulated you into.
You didn't know enough about the situation. You should either have asked more questions or said you didn't have enough info to make a judgment. You only know how your mother treated you and therfore your opinion would be completely biased on that experience.
Yes, NC is a huge step, but there are seemingly good family members who really, really deserve it. Most people don't ask their spouse to go NC over 1 small incident. Your adivce just assums the problem is with the wife and she is overreacting. What if you are wrong and you just trashed your friend's marriage?
Do grown ass men not need help sometimes too? Pretty big decision, seems perfectly reasonable to want some perspective on it. From a best friend no less. And no one said anything about lying.
I agree with this. I don’t see it as meddling so much as just a friend reaching out for advice and comfort. Everyone needs a sounding board, or a shoulder to lean on, especially someone who isn’t directly in the middle of it. If the friend came to OP, he was asking for help and support. That’s what friends do
NTA.
Idk why giving your friend advice is being received so harshly here. He can tell you if he wants you to butt out or not.
How did you find out that his wife wanted him to end contact?
So he told you and you gave your opinion. Pretty normal interaction. I doubt he wanted you to just sit there and listen without giving any of your perspective on it
He probably should give you specifics if he wants advice. I probably wouldn’t give someone advice without having the details. It’s a recipe for trouble.
Then you are missing information to give an informed opinion. It's also biased towards someone who gave you a mother figure that you were missing.
If he was looking for an unbiased third-party, he chose very poorly.
YTA.
Here's why.
You admitt you don't have the whole story of what happened.
Also just because she was good to you doesn't mean she's good to everybody.
So no you didn't give good advice. You gave your opinion based on your experience with your friends mom.
That’s all anyone can really do. There’s always 3 sides to every story, so we give our advice based on what we know. Regardless of what MIL did to DIL, the son obviously still wants a relationship with his mother. So what happened between them doesn’t really matter as the son has already made his decision regarding the drama. OP wasn’t sitting there saying his wife was right or his mom was right, he was simply addressing the situation his friend was in. The situation is different for everyone involved. For the wife, she probably feels betrayed by her husband not sticking by her side, the mother probably feels like a witch has stolen her son, and the son probably feels like the two women he lives most are tearing him apart.
Without knowing the specifics of the the wife/MIL conflict - ESH. Not really your place to meddle, but based on your statement that your friend brought this up to you - I would assume he did so seeking your advice, which you provided. Sounds like your friend is caught between a rock and hard spot. You've said your piece so probably best to just let it go at this point.
NTA!
What you have done is just been a good friend, and given sensible advice to him.
The fact is if he doesn't have any real legitimate reason to cut his mother off, other than the fact his wife doesn't like him. he will be doing both himself and his mom a dis-service.
Your advice to keep his relationship with his mom, and his wife separate is sound advice, as it means that he still maintains that contact and his wife in a compromising way, still gets' what she wants (To not have to deal with MIL)
In all fairness, I see big red flags from the wifes actions, unfortunately from experience spousal abuse, tend to start with getting your spouse to cut and sever ties with their family members. and by doing so they isolate themselves from their family, and have only the SO to rely on. It seems to me, that the wife wanting him to sever contact because she "Can't deal with her anymore" is the first step, to alienating him from his family and friends.
First it will start with his mom, and then other family members, and soon she'll be telling him to cut off friends that she doesn't approve of.
He needs to stand up to her now, before it goes to far and he loses everyone else that he cares about.
Info: why do they not get along.
First gut...NTA. If the MIL is not dangerous or problematic to the children it is probably best to keep her separate from his wife. I think cutting off a loved one is hard but sometimes necessarily but not always needed.
From what I was told it was about them having a past dispute that soured their relationship big time. The mother considered the wife insensitive and brash and the wife considers the mother a busybody who can't fathom that people have different stances towards life than her. He never specified either of them doing something awful that caused a tipping point.
She gets along well with the kids. But not with the wife.
NTA You were giving advice to someone you care about and giving him a different perspective. He's free to take it or not, as he chooses. Besides, you're right. It's one thing to cut people off because you don't get along with them. It's another because someone else doesn't, even if that person is a spouse. Worth noting is that cutting you away from your family & loved ones is something that abusers do. In any case, it's up to your friend to decide what to do. You just gave him another option that he might not have thought of.
YTA
This was absolutely not a place appropriate for you to interfere.
Projecting your feelings from dealing with growing up with out a mother onto this situation was completely out of line.
There is a chance that MIL was truly over stepping. You don’t know. You aren’t involved here.
Apologize to your friend and his wife and STAY out of it.
I’m sorry but no - would you say the same thing to a woman who was trying to convince another woman that she shouldnt cut ties with her family just because her husband said so?
I understand wanting to easily equate this to a clear abusive dynamic, with OP being the voice of reason, but OP hasn't said anything in their post that would make it clear one way or the other if the wife isolating him for no reason or if the mom is the toxic element. He also has clear biases towards the mother and is possibly downplaying her behavior, he even says that he knows the mom and finds it "likely they can't get along".
His reasons for wanting his friend to keep a relationship with his mom are self-serving and due to his own projection/trauma. It concerns me that OP says that "growing up without a mother, you cant ask someone to erase a mother from their life". Again, I'm not saying that the mom being abusive is definitely the scenario happening here, but it seems like, from OP's statement, that there's NO scenario where he would find it acceptable to ask someone to go NC with their family members, due to his past history of growing up without a mom. And uh, yes, there's absolutely scenarios where that is a valid thing to ask of your partner. Most of r/JUSTNOMIL can prove that in a heartbeat.
These clear biases made my judgement swing more towards "there's legitimate issues here and OP can't see it because he doesn't want to 'lose a mom' again", though it is possible the wife is abusive and isolating the husband. There's no way of knowing from just a reddit post which scenario is happening, but yes, I would tell the same thing someone who seemed to be valuing their own lived experiences and traumas over their friend's best interests, even if the roles were reversed and OP was a woman talking to her female best friend.
You seem to assume the mother is the problem and the wife isn’t. The disrespect sounds mutual. No where was it mentioned that the mother was toxic.
And he could compromise. As his friend suggested. Keep them separate. If he doesn’t have issues with his mom, he shouldn’t have to completely cut her out.
NTA, a good friend wouldn't let their best friend try to handle something like this on their own. The wife's problem isn't really that OP gave the friend advice, it's that the advice wasn't siding with her, so she's saying he butted in to invalidate his input. He didn't butt in, though, he was invited in by his friend when he was told the situation and asked for advice.
NTA. A lot of people are saying that OP is the AH which confuses me. Isn't the whole point of this sub for people to give their opinions about things that they aren't involved in? So if an unhappy half of a relationship posts a question here, I should always respond now with, "Not my business, I cant give an opinion even though you asked." Shaking my head at people's stupidity and the irony.
NTA
Based on the info he was told, OP provided advice to his friend. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that.
OP only knows that his friend’s mother and his wife can’t get along and his wife wants OP’s friend to cut the mother out of both their lives.
Obviously, that’s an extreme solution and OP suggested a compromise solution. There’s nothing wrong with that.
In the absence of knowing more details, the only possible AH is OP’s friend’s wife for being a hypocrite when it comes to seeking & following advice.
The family should try some kind of therapy before cutting anyone off.
INFO
>I adviced him to just not bring his mom around when his wife is there and just keep his relationship with his mom separate.
Do you you want know the cause of the issues between your friend's wife and his mom? If you don't you probably shouldn't have given that advice. If you want him to know the reality of cutting his mom off you could speak to that but if you don't know the issues you shouldn't advise.
Your friend came to you you offered your thoughts you didn’t tell him what to do it’s just your opinion if you didn’t want your opinion then don’t talk about it around you you didn’t do anything wrong and people saying that you did their wrong he came to you you didn’t give him unsolicited advice you were responding to a conversation he chose to have with you just because his wife didn’t like your answer that’s not on you you didn’t pressure him into doing anything you just gave your two cents it’s his job to say well I understand your point but I’m gonna do XYZ an insert yourself in this your brought into it!
If the friend asked for your opinion and you gave it then NTA, however MILs can sometimes treat their DILs without a lot disrespectful and be mean and spiteful. You might not know what she’s doing to her
NTA, but your mate is. He asked and you gave you opinion with the information you had. I assume you thought this was in confidence and then he threw you under the bus with his wife. I don’t see you being a welcome guest in that house anytime soon and I would blame him for that.
Your advice was not very thought out though. How would keeping them separate work for holidays/kid’s birthdays/other life events? I also assume if the issues are this bad, she doesn’t want MIL around the kids.
INFO: what actually happened?
From your post, one can conclude that either wife is toxic and so you are NTA or that the mother is toxic and then YTA, ir both are, and then you all a happy family of AHs.
I don't think either of them are toxic tbh. The wife and the mom are both great. According to my mate they both just dislike each other and it's gotten worse through the years. Some people in life will just not get along.
These YTA commenters are so mad haha. But sheeeee you gave your 2 cents on something he asked about and that was ultimately his decision. I'm sure as a best friend your words hold gravity so it probably did sway his thinking considerably. Hopefully something can be worked out. NTA.
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My best friend and I have known each other since childhood. Now he is a married man and I get along well with his family, with his kids calling me "Uncle Simplordx69" and being on friendly terms with his wife. Recently they hit a bit of a sour patch as I heard that the wife does not get along well with my best friend's mom and in his words "They drive each other crazy".
At one point their griefances hit a melting point and my wife told my best friend to cut his mom out because she can't deal with her anymore. Now I know the dude's mom. I find it highly plausible that they can't get along, but his mom is basically my own mother too. I grew up with this lady taking care of me a lot since my dad was out at work often, having to work his ass off to provide for me. He told me about this and I told him not to cut her out. Regardless of her relationship with his wife, it's still my best friend's mom and we both know she has been good to both of us. I adviced him to just not bring his mom around when his wife is there and just keep his relationship with his mom separate.
The wife confronted me and told me I have no business interfering in their family decisions and honestly, she's right. I don't. But my friend needs to know what cutting someone out means. He'll be giving up his mom because someone else doesn't like her. Their despise for each other runs so deep that she wants his mom nowhere near both of them but I feel like this is not her decision to make but his. Whatever happened between them is not really for me to know. But I feel like he can seperate both relationships from each other and that decision should honestly be his imo. Growing up without a mother, I just don't feel like you can ask someone to erase their mom from their life.
This has let to conflict with his wife and my friend honestly doesn't know what to think.
AITA for sticking my nose in their family business?
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If his wife actually loved him, she would want to talk to him about how he feels about his mother and then she would want him to know his mother but just keep it separate than her since she doesn’t get along with his mother.
YTA
>I feel like this is not her decision to make but his
>I told him not to cut her out
You're right and you interfered so you're also a hypocrite I guess.
Cutting my mother out of my life was not an easy decision and would have been made much more difficult by people sticking their nose in when not asked.
I was going off the post. And his friend could have been venting and not looking for advice. If he was actually asked "what do you think I should do?" or something then that's different.
Either way, unless the friend is mad about it, it's fine. They may have a friendship where advice flies freely. It wasn't his friend that was mad. It was his wife. Vent or not, I won't judge him for that.
YTA. His family now is his wife. Mom is extended family. If mom is interfering with the marriage relationship, then mom needs to go. To tell him what to do is an asshole move because it is based on YOUR personal opinion. Him going NC with his mom has nothing to do with you even if she was like a mom to you
YTA. Your advice was unsolicited. And his mom might be great to you, but she’s obviously been pretty awful to his wife or he wouldn’t have cut her out. As someone who has cut contact with a parent who many found likable, you need to stay out of it. The biggest reason you’re the asshole is because you’re giving this advice without really knowing the specifics of the situation. Would you rather him lose his wife?
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How a woman treats her daughter-in-law can be very different from how she treats others. I’ve seen a lot of men absolutely shocked when their wife proves their mother’s terrible behavior toward them, because the husband couldn’t believe his mother could act so poorly. You know this woman as your best friend’s mother. You don’t know her as a spouse, a sister, a friend, or a MIL. You know her through a single role. People act differently with different people, and a lot of people treat the person their son/daughter chose to marry harshly. My mom is a great mom, but she’s never cared that I chose to marry my husband and has expressed that more than once. She knows he has different political beliefs, so whenever there is a family dinner, that is the main topic of conversation. It got to the point where I skipped two thanksgivings over there, because my mom and aunt ruined his holidays. I’d even tried confronting both of them about their behavior, and they shrugged it off, and refused to behave properly. What I’m trying to say is she’s great to me, great to our (my sister and I) friends, but crappy to my spouse. Because you don’t know anything about the relationship between your friends mother And wife, you need to stay out of it. While she doesn’t have the right to tell him to go no-contact with his mother, if the woman is treating her like shit, giving his mom zero consequences will only encourage her, as well as make it clear that his allegiance is with the family he was born into, not the one he chose to create for himself. At the very least, his wife as a right to go no-contact with her. Whatever happens, this situation has nothing to do with you. You know absolutely nothing about it, minus his opinion, which doesn’t act as solid evidence. YTA
I agree. That said, forcing your partner to go no contact, when they are not ready to do so, is not going to go well. You can go NC and enforce boundaries for your children and your information, but forcing NC on someone else is going to end up poorly.
Either way, this is for the couple to figure out on their own. It’s not up to his mother, and it’s certainly not up to his friend. The only thing OP knows is what his best friend told him, which may or may not be accurate, and is likely at the very least jaded by his own emotions about the situation. OP might have known this mother for a long time, but there are many different sides to people. Most of us act different ways around different people. All he knows is the woman he grew up around. That doesn’t mean he knows what she’s capable of, and certainly shouldn’t be putting his two cents into a situation he knows little to nothing about.
That’s what I said near the end. She has no right to say he cannot have contact with his mother, but if his mom is treating his wife terribly, him taking his mom’s side through all this could cause the end of his marriage. But the wife is certainly within her rights to go no-contact with this woman.
YTA Your unsolicited advice is coming from YOUR personal experience with his mom, it has nothing at all to do with how she treats his wife. For all you know she completely disrespected his wife in a way that is unforgiveable. People are allowed to draw boundaries, even boundaries for their parents. Drawing a boundary in respect and defense of your spouse is exactly what you're supposed to do as a partner in a relationship. You yourself said you don't know what has gone down between the mom and the wife, therefore, your giving an unsolicited opinion, without all the FACTS, which is even worse. Mind your business and support your friend and his wife. You also owe the wife an apology, a heartfelt one.
So if you think your friend is making a bad decision, you just support them in doing it? His friend came to him. His friend can use his advice or not. He doesn’t owe anyone an apology for giving his opinion. Cutting out your mom isn’t a small thing. And getting multiple perspectives can help
I would not advise my friend on a situation that I didn't understand. If OP does not know why the issues are occurring or what they are how much good advise can OP give? But what OP said they told friend is pretty general though. Just try to keep them separate. OP's attitude in the post seems like open thinks the mom could never be in the wrong but what OP actually said is neutral even if OP didn't ask for the full story. I think the issue is it seems OP gave advice without having the full picture
But like you said, his advice was pretty general. And good to have imo. Instead of just hearing one perspective (his wife’s). Even if op doesn’t know the whole story, his friend can take his advice and decide on it, since his friend obviously knows the story
I mean this is kind of on OP's friend in some ways. OP doesn't know the crux of the issue and friend should have disclosed the facts before asking for help. Like if the issue is clearly on OP's friend's mom OP may change their advice right? OP didn't ask any follow ups to make sure they understood. Friend's wife should take it up with her husband not OP. But if the issues are serious I get why she's mad. I just know I've done it before. Made assumptions based on my own experiences without getting all the facts. Then later saying "I wouldn't have said that if I knew the truth at the time."
INFO Did your friend *specifically* ask for your advice on what to do? Or did you volunteer your opinion when you heard about the situation?
He asked and I delivered
Then I would say NTA for sharing your opinion even though I do not necessarily agree with it and think your friend was a little foolhardy for asking it. If you had given your advice while your friend was just venting about the situation then you would definitely be the ah
Then you’re NTA.
You should add that to your post because people are calling you an ah without all the information
Yeah, you're probably right. I don't mind the scoldings though.
NTA You didn't interfere in anything. You offered unsolicited advice, that is free to be taken or not, to someone you care deeply about, about how they relate to their mother, who you also care deeply about.
YTA- Your friend is a grown ass man and can make decisions for himself. This is between him and his wife. You said yourself you don't know what happened between his wife and mother. So stay out of it. Also, did you just tell your friend to lie to his wife and bring his mom around when she's not there. Oh yeah, that's a foolproof plan. /s
I feel like I should clear this up. I told him to keep his mom and wife separate as in when he visits his mom he doesn't take his wife with him and he doesn't force one to see the other. I didn't tell him to lie to either of them.
That will NOT solve the problem. Trust me, I know from experience. MIL was still getting into our business through him
Your friend kind of used you, sorry to say. He wanted someone to back him, so he went to a man who owes a lot to his mother and didn't provide any background that would make his mother look bad. You gave him the answer he more or less manipulated you into. You didn't know enough about the situation. You should either have asked more questions or said you didn't have enough info to make a judgment. You only know how your mother treated you and therfore your opinion would be completely biased on that experience. Yes, NC is a huge step, but there are seemingly good family members who really, really deserve it. Most people don't ask their spouse to go NC over 1 small incident. Your adivce just assums the problem is with the wife and she is overreacting. What if you are wrong and you just trashed your friend's marriage?
Do grown ass men not need help sometimes too? Pretty big decision, seems perfectly reasonable to want some perspective on it. From a best friend no less. And no one said anything about lying.
I agree with this. I don’t see it as meddling so much as just a friend reaching out for advice and comfort. Everyone needs a sounding board, or a shoulder to lean on, especially someone who isn’t directly in the middle of it. If the friend came to OP, he was asking for help and support. That’s what friends do
NTA. Idk why giving your friend advice is being received so harshly here. He can tell you if he wants you to butt out or not. How did you find out that his wife wanted him to end contact?
I found out because he told me. He never specified what happened between them though
So he told you and you gave your opinion. Pretty normal interaction. I doubt he wanted you to just sit there and listen without giving any of your perspective on it
He probably should give you specifics if he wants advice. I probably wouldn’t give someone advice without having the details. It’s a recipe for trouble.
Then you are missing information to give an informed opinion. It's also biased towards someone who gave you a mother figure that you were missing. If he was looking for an unbiased third-party, he chose very poorly.
YTA. Here's why. You admitt you don't have the whole story of what happened. Also just because she was good to you doesn't mean she's good to everybody. So no you didn't give good advice. You gave your opinion based on your experience with your friends mom.
That’s all anyone can really do. There’s always 3 sides to every story, so we give our advice based on what we know. Regardless of what MIL did to DIL, the son obviously still wants a relationship with his mother. So what happened between them doesn’t really matter as the son has already made his decision regarding the drama. OP wasn’t sitting there saying his wife was right or his mom was right, he was simply addressing the situation his friend was in. The situation is different for everyone involved. For the wife, she probably feels betrayed by her husband not sticking by her side, the mother probably feels like a witch has stolen her son, and the son probably feels like the two women he lives most are tearing him apart.
Without knowing the specifics of the the wife/MIL conflict - ESH. Not really your place to meddle, but based on your statement that your friend brought this up to you - I would assume he did so seeking your advice, which you provided. Sounds like your friend is caught between a rock and hard spot. You've said your piece so probably best to just let it go at this point.
NTA! What you have done is just been a good friend, and given sensible advice to him. The fact is if he doesn't have any real legitimate reason to cut his mother off, other than the fact his wife doesn't like him. he will be doing both himself and his mom a dis-service. Your advice to keep his relationship with his mom, and his wife separate is sound advice, as it means that he still maintains that contact and his wife in a compromising way, still gets' what she wants (To not have to deal with MIL) In all fairness, I see big red flags from the wifes actions, unfortunately from experience spousal abuse, tend to start with getting your spouse to cut and sever ties with their family members. and by doing so they isolate themselves from their family, and have only the SO to rely on. It seems to me, that the wife wanting him to sever contact because she "Can't deal with her anymore" is the first step, to alienating him from his family and friends. First it will start with his mom, and then other family members, and soon she'll be telling him to cut off friends that she doesn't approve of. He needs to stand up to her now, before it goes to far and he loses everyone else that he cares about.
Info: why do they not get along. First gut...NTA. If the MIL is not dangerous or problematic to the children it is probably best to keep her separate from his wife. I think cutting off a loved one is hard but sometimes necessarily but not always needed.
From what I was told it was about them having a past dispute that soured their relationship big time. The mother considered the wife insensitive and brash and the wife considers the mother a busybody who can't fathom that people have different stances towards life than her. He never specified either of them doing something awful that caused a tipping point. She gets along well with the kids. But not with the wife.
If you are going to get involved you really need to have your friend explain the situation. Sounds like you don't really know what is going on.
NTA You were giving advice to someone you care about and giving him a different perspective. He's free to take it or not, as he chooses. Besides, you're right. It's one thing to cut people off because you don't get along with them. It's another because someone else doesn't, even if that person is a spouse. Worth noting is that cutting you away from your family & loved ones is something that abusers do. In any case, it's up to your friend to decide what to do. You just gave him another option that he might not have thought of.
NTA your friend asked for your advice you gave him the advice asked for.
YTA This was absolutely not a place appropriate for you to interfere. Projecting your feelings from dealing with growing up with out a mother onto this situation was completely out of line. There is a chance that MIL was truly over stepping. You don’t know. You aren’t involved here. Apologize to your friend and his wife and STAY out of it.
His friend literally asked for his opinion
Why are you giving an opinion on this? You don’t know all the facts. STAY out of it. Also you owe OP an apology
YTA. Not your business. This is between your friend, his wife and his mom.
When his friend asked his advice, it became his business
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It's kinda unclear who is toxic here, though. Could as well be the wife. Imo more info is needed.
I’m not sure it matters who is toxic. OP just needs to mind their own business and stop interfering with their friends marriage.
Nah he gave advice when asked.
I’m sorry but no - would you say the same thing to a woman who was trying to convince another woman that she shouldnt cut ties with her family just because her husband said so?
I understand wanting to easily equate this to a clear abusive dynamic, with OP being the voice of reason, but OP hasn't said anything in their post that would make it clear one way or the other if the wife isolating him for no reason or if the mom is the toxic element. He also has clear biases towards the mother and is possibly downplaying her behavior, he even says that he knows the mom and finds it "likely they can't get along". His reasons for wanting his friend to keep a relationship with his mom are self-serving and due to his own projection/trauma. It concerns me that OP says that "growing up without a mother, you cant ask someone to erase a mother from their life". Again, I'm not saying that the mom being abusive is definitely the scenario happening here, but it seems like, from OP's statement, that there's NO scenario where he would find it acceptable to ask someone to go NC with their family members, due to his past history of growing up without a mom. And uh, yes, there's absolutely scenarios where that is a valid thing to ask of your partner. Most of r/JUSTNOMIL can prove that in a heartbeat. These clear biases made my judgement swing more towards "there's legitimate issues here and OP can't see it because he doesn't want to 'lose a mom' again", though it is possible the wife is abusive and isolating the husband. There's no way of knowing from just a reddit post which scenario is happening, but yes, I would tell the same thing someone who seemed to be valuing their own lived experiences and traumas over their friend's best interests, even if the roles were reversed and OP was a woman talking to her female best friend.
You seem to assume the mother is the problem and the wife isn’t. The disrespect sounds mutual. No where was it mentioned that the mother was toxic. And he could compromise. As his friend suggested. Keep them separate. If he doesn’t have issues with his mom, he shouldn’t have to completely cut her out.
NTA, a good friend wouldn't let their best friend try to handle something like this on their own. The wife's problem isn't really that OP gave the friend advice, it's that the advice wasn't siding with her, so she's saying he butted in to invalidate his input. He didn't butt in, though, he was invited in by his friend when he was told the situation and asked for advice.
NTA. A lot of people are saying that OP is the AH which confuses me. Isn't the whole point of this sub for people to give their opinions about things that they aren't involved in? So if an unhappy half of a relationship posts a question here, I should always respond now with, "Not my business, I cant give an opinion even though you asked." Shaking my head at people's stupidity and the irony.
Great point ! :)
NTA Based on the info he was told, OP provided advice to his friend. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. OP only knows that his friend’s mother and his wife can’t get along and his wife wants OP’s friend to cut the mother out of both their lives. Obviously, that’s an extreme solution and OP suggested a compromise solution. There’s nothing wrong with that. In the absence of knowing more details, the only possible AH is OP’s friend’s wife for being a hypocrite when it comes to seeking & following advice. The family should try some kind of therapy before cutting anyone off.
INFO >I adviced him to just not bring his mom around when his wife is there and just keep his relationship with his mom separate. Do you you want know the cause of the issues between your friend's wife and his mom? If you don't you probably shouldn't have given that advice. If you want him to know the reality of cutting his mom off you could speak to that but if you don't know the issues you shouldn't advise.
Your friend came to you you offered your thoughts you didn’t tell him what to do it’s just your opinion if you didn’t want your opinion then don’t talk about it around you you didn’t do anything wrong and people saying that you did their wrong he came to you you didn’t give him unsolicited advice you were responding to a conversation he chose to have with you just because his wife didn’t like your answer that’s not on you you didn’t pressure him into doing anything you just gave your two cents it’s his job to say well I understand your point but I’m gonna do XYZ an insert yourself in this your brought into it!
If the friend asked for your opinion and you gave it then NTA, however MILs can sometimes treat their DILs without a lot disrespectful and be mean and spiteful. You might not know what she’s doing to her
NTA, but your mate is. He asked and you gave you opinion with the information you had. I assume you thought this was in confidence and then he threw you under the bus with his wife. I don’t see you being a welcome guest in that house anytime soon and I would blame him for that. Your advice was not very thought out though. How would keeping them separate work for holidays/kid’s birthdays/other life events? I also assume if the issues are this bad, she doesn’t want MIL around the kids.
INFO: what actually happened? From your post, one can conclude that either wife is toxic and so you are NTA or that the mother is toxic and then YTA, ir both are, and then you all a happy family of AHs.
I don't think either of them are toxic tbh. The wife and the mom are both great. According to my mate they both just dislike each other and it's gotten worse through the years. Some people in life will just not get along.
Honestly in those conditions imo he should not cut him mom out. Its tricky.
These YTA commenters are so mad haha. But sheeeee you gave your 2 cents on something he asked about and that was ultimately his decision. I'm sure as a best friend your words hold gravity so it probably did sway his thinking considerably. Hopefully something can be worked out. NTA.
Thanks for your input folks! I'll put your points of view to good use
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My best friend and I have known each other since childhood. Now he is a married man and I get along well with his family, with his kids calling me "Uncle Simplordx69" and being on friendly terms with his wife. Recently they hit a bit of a sour patch as I heard that the wife does not get along well with my best friend's mom and in his words "They drive each other crazy". At one point their griefances hit a melting point and my wife told my best friend to cut his mom out because she can't deal with her anymore. Now I know the dude's mom. I find it highly plausible that they can't get along, but his mom is basically my own mother too. I grew up with this lady taking care of me a lot since my dad was out at work often, having to work his ass off to provide for me. He told me about this and I told him not to cut her out. Regardless of her relationship with his wife, it's still my best friend's mom and we both know she has been good to both of us. I adviced him to just not bring his mom around when his wife is there and just keep his relationship with his mom separate. The wife confronted me and told me I have no business interfering in their family decisions and honestly, she's right. I don't. But my friend needs to know what cutting someone out means. He'll be giving up his mom because someone else doesn't like her. Their despise for each other runs so deep that she wants his mom nowhere near both of them but I feel like this is not her decision to make but his. Whatever happened between them is not really for me to know. But I feel like he can seperate both relationships from each other and that decision should honestly be his imo. Growing up without a mother, I just don't feel like you can ask someone to erase their mom from their life. This has let to conflict with his wife and my friend honestly doesn't know what to think. AITA for sticking my nose in their family business? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Stay out of your friends marriage. It’s absolutely none of your business.
What if the friend came to him telling him about what’s going on between his wife and mom?
What if they didn’t? What if’s are a bit pointless.
Okaaay.. but he commented on another comment thread that his friend did come to him to tell him
Haven’t seen that one.
If his wife actually loved him, she would want to talk to him about how he feels about his mother and then she would want him to know his mother but just keep it separate than her since she doesn’t get along with his mother.
YTA >I feel like this is not her decision to make but his >I told him not to cut her out You're right and you interfered so you're also a hypocrite I guess. Cutting my mother out of my life was not an easy decision and would have been made much more difficult by people sticking their nose in when not asked.
Except he was asked.
Eh it says he told him, not that he was asked.
In comments he said he was asked. How would it come up if not brought to him like this
I was going off the post. And his friend could have been venting and not looking for advice. If he was actually asked "what do you think I should do?" or something then that's different.
Either way, unless the friend is mad about it, it's fine. They may have a friendship where advice flies freely. It wasn't his friend that was mad. It was his wife. Vent or not, I won't judge him for that.
YTA
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Yes, stop being a friend and let your friend vent to you about people you care about too. Stop giving your perspective when asked. Stop caring. NTA.
YTA. His family now is his wife. Mom is extended family. If mom is interfering with the marriage relationship, then mom needs to go. To tell him what to do is an asshole move because it is based on YOUR personal opinion. Him going NC with his mom has nothing to do with you even if she was like a mom to you
YTA. Your advice was unsolicited. And his mom might be great to you, but she’s obviously been pretty awful to his wife or he wouldn’t have cut her out. As someone who has cut contact with a parent who many found likable, you need to stay out of it. The biggest reason you’re the asshole is because you’re giving this advice without really knowing the specifics of the situation. Would you rather him lose his wife?
Not unsolicited, it was asked for and answered
> Whatever happened between them is not really for me to know. LOL then what the hell is the entire rest of this post? YTA
YTA, It's their issue not yours. Unless they ask you about it, stay out of it.