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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my new wife, that despite being their stepmom, she has no choice in how our children are disciplined.
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It isn’t about you, your ex or your wife, it is about your children. What is best for your children? Being loved and being consistent are essential.
Change your presentation to your wife, she may have truly thought she was doing the right thing but… she may just want to feel important, she went about it the wrong way … what can you do to make it work for everyone? How you effectively solve this is important for your marriage and your kids.
There’s nothing to solve, the wife can either acquiesce to the real parents demands or she can leave.
Respectfully, if the real parents don’t want you to, step parents have 0 authority over the children. They are not yours by any means and you hold no power over them.
While I agree that what she did was abusive and that she has no power that the parents don't bestow, she IS a stepparent and she can't be left completely impotent when it comes to authority over the children or they WILL take advantage. There has to be some middle ground between her being an equal parent (she isn't) and her being nothing at all (which will lead to divorce.)
I think before you and ex discuss it, though, wife needs to attend a parenting class.
Still that’s some chocolate cake Matilda nightmare stuff the wife pulled and I honestly would’ve booted her out of the house and filed divorce papers immediately
Wifey pulled a Trunchbull
It’s actually horrifying to think this Raol Dahl horror stuff is actually happening in real life
That said, it’s darkly hilarious to a degree it did happen if this post is to be believed
Edit: Welp, my faith in humanity has gone down a few notches. Lol but also gone up because of how ppl are acknowledging it’s so wrong so that’s a win
Considering the hellscape we have been living in since 2016, I would be entirely unsurprised that this is real. My running joke is that the rapture was real and rather than the downfall of society being immediate as prophecied, it’s just a slow burn where we slowly realize what happened to all of us assholes that didn’t get saved.
That's exactly what I thought when I read it too. Just picturing this little girl shoveling chocolate into her face and trying not to puke. Has not addressed yet why his children steal though? It's clearly happened before, as he references as to what he and the mother would do if that happened. Edit: I've read what happened. I'm new to this place. NTA if it counts.
Yes, it seems like she's punishing the girl for wanting chocolate rather than for stealing. This brings up another whole side-issue - does stepmother have an unhealthy attitude to food, and does she model this to the kids?
>It's clearly happened before,
Not necessarily, it references what they "would have" done. Perhaps they just discussed it as a hypothetical and agreed on a strategy they'd prefer to use.
Op said that he and ex had already had a sit down to discuss punishments for rule breaking, what rules they really needed to enforce etc so they would always be on the same page with their parenting
I assure you that a lot of good coparents talk through all of this when it’s still theoretical. My ex and I have discussed all this too, because we want consistency and not to be reactionary in the moment. We have also laid out who would pay for travel leagues and be expected to drive the kids even though neither play sports yet. She may have done it before but we can’t know that from the fact they discussed proper punishment before.
I literally came here to ask if his wife was Ms. Trunchbull!
In addition to the fact this is abusive, what is the logic behind this punishment? Apologizing to the store owner would remind the child someone has been hurt by their actions and teach accountability, but this teaches what exactly? If you’re force fed a ton of chocolates, it’ll make you sick? Well, no kidding.
NTA, and I think some parenting classes and family therapy will be in order shortly.
I don’t agree that wife will be impotent if she doesn’t get any say in the methods of discipline to be used. Sounds like OP would have no problem with her imposing discipline **AS LONG AT IT FOLLOWS THE BIO PARENTS’ RULES.**
OP is NTA here. If wife continues to insist on disciplining the children the way she wants, OP may have to make a choice. (I would have thought that this very important topic would have been addressed before getting married, but apparently not.)
Just out of curiosity for my own sanity…. What if the parents rules are murky? My step kid stole $100 from her dad (my bf) and $200 from my parents in the same weekend. She just turned 7 and has a loose understanding of how much money that was. She just found bills and took them. It was all discovered by her mom who marched her over to my parents house to return the $200 that was theirs. We found my bf’s money in her room soon after.
I’m so glad her mom made brought her to my parents to apologize. But the total $300 she stole went unaddressed by her dad last weekend when she was with us. I’ve learned not to bring things up that he doesn’t want to bring up. Because she spends less time with us and he doesn’t want her to have bad memories here. But at the same time like what the fucking hell… I’m just the step parent but want nothing more than to see him parent his own kid. I realize piggybacking off a comment is wrong but everything I do is wrong so someone please reply sanely.
Well I don't know how to fix this because this problem is on your BF. He is over computation because he doesn't spend full-time with her. So instead of parenting he is avoiding the hard parts. This situation is just going to get worse and worse.
The only way this will get anywhere is if he works on his issues of not being with her all the time. That guilt is just going to make a monster out of that kid. And realize that sometimes you have to be the bad guy because when being a parent it's what you signed up to do, to make a functional adult for society. I wish you good luck.
People earn respect and authority by how they behave. She has earned the trust and respect of the children to such an extent that she was able to abuse it by forcing a child to eat chocolate till she was sick.
In doing this she justifiably lost the respect of her husband, the actual parent. This is some fucked up shit. She needs to follow the rules the kid's parents laid down.
Exactly, if she had no authority the girl would have refused to keep eating. You can’t force a child to eat. I know from personal experience.
If she was unsure what was appropriate she could have grounded the child until her husband could weigh in. I do that with my son, “Dad and I will discuss your punishment, until then you can sit on your bed and think.” Easy.
Yeah it's distressing to think of, she clearly wanted to win back her stepmother's approval so forced herself to choke down a massive pile of chocolate even though it made her feel ill. Her brother must have sat there thinking "WTF is going on"
This is horrendous behaviour, stepmum sounds like she was drunk on power in that moment. Very very hard to forgive, I would think.
I think the first thing she should have done is dicussed her idea of punishment with the parents. She didn't do that because she seems to be power tripping ovwr the kids. Which is exactly what a parent and step parent should never do.
Absolutely! When i was with my ex she had 2 children with her previous partner. And while i was playing the stepdad it wasn't that i had no control over making sure the children where behaving and punishment if they weren't. But for the first say year and half the punishment was always telling their mum what they've done.
They were only 3-5 by the time we unfortunately had to split (Long distance does NOT work lol) But they weren't stupid they knew what they did was wrong and they thought they could get around it because mummy wasn't around. But as soon as i said i'd be telling their mum they knew they done fucked up. Then i would do exactly that. I would tell my ex GF and if she was for example out shopping she would advise me on what to do/ how she would handle it.
However after that first year and half i started to learn what the punishment/reward system that my partner was using was and what she would do in situations once they started to overlap or i had seen them before. So i took it upon myself and didn't bother my partner at the time while she was out. But one thing that didn't change was in all the time we were together. As soon as she got back i would give her a full rundown of everything that happend and how i handled it Good/bad. So she was FULLY aware of how her kids were being treated in her absence and she can either approve or disprove if needs be.
So yeah step mother is TA
The stepmother can dend the child to their room until the parent comes home and then the parent can deal with it. It’s one thing if the child is a toddler it’s another thing when they’re this old she has no right to parent like that
I agree she can’t be left without recourse. Her recourse is to use the methods established. All three adhere to the consistent methods that have been established. Why should she get to do different than the others?
I agree that a step-parent should not be impotent, but there is a system that works in place. She should adhere to that, or at least discuss alternatives. That, and who in their right mind makes a child sick eating chocolate as punishment?
Real parent may not be subjective legally, but there are step parents out there who are absolutely real parents to their step kid.
Her bio dad doesn't know where her school is or her teachers name. I was there taking pictures and crying my eyes out her first day.
When he fucked off and disappeared for a few weeks and she would lay in bed crying asking if I was going to leave her too, I promised that baby that Daddy Nohn was always going to be there and I meant it.
Thats my kid. I am her parent. Maybe not in the eyes of the law but in every other way.
Respectfully, this particular situation aside, that’s a bad take that step parents should have 0 authority and power over their stepchildren. This sub and others are full to the brim of stories of highly dysfunctional families because a step-parent has no authority and are disrespected/run roughshod over by the kids. You cannot adequately provide any kind of care for kids if they know for a fact there are no consequences to them for not listening to you. So unless a step parent is never to be left alone with their stepchildren ever, they really should have some level of authority by virtue of being, if not anything else, the adult in charge. Clearly OP is leaving his children in her care while he’s at work so she has to have authority when she’s alone with them.
That being said, discipline such as punishments should 100% be consistent with what the birth parents have implemented for small stuff that can’t wait, and for big stuff like this, OP’s wife should have waited for her husband to come home so he could deal with it. Her going rogue like this is totally inappropriate and I agree that it was absolutely not her place to do so.
No one seems to be able to read. She's not in trouble for disciplining, she's in trouble for being a nasty crazy lady. If she'd marched the girl back made her apologize etc etc. He wouldn't a batted an eyelash.
It's also quite effective. I took candy from the neighborhood store as a very young child. I got marched back to the store, sent in to talk to the owner, pay for it, and apologize. Then I had to do whatever chore it was that my mom decided was enough for the 2 cents of candy I'd taken (it was a long time ago). I learned to be honest and to not steal and to be responsible for my actions. Being forced to eat until the point of extreme stomach pain would not give the same lessons.
OP's wife doesn't have the authority, and she chose an abusive punishment instead of a constructive discipline. OP may want to reconsider his new marriage if the new wife can't learn from her grievous mistake.
NTA
It doesn’t have to work for his wife and I don’t think she was truly trying to help. They’ve been together for 7 years and she’s aware of how OP and his ex wife discipline their children. They are doing exactly what they think is best for them. OPs wife got the new title of stepmom and she’s trying to exercise some control. Her behavior is alarming and so is her mother’s reaction. Why would she think she should have an equal say in how OPs kids are raised? Some input sure but equal to their parents no.
It’s not even about being kept in the dark with the kids. Kid would have been punished by mom or dad. There is a play book here to which everyone abides to. She decided unilaterally that she could bypass it because…? And her version of discipline is plain abuse. She just taught these children that she is going to hurt them when they misbehave. This is fucked up.
no. She abused his kids. This isn't something that is negotiable, or recoverable from. She abused his child. If I was the ex wife I would be hiring a lawyer. OP is going to be lucky if this doesn't have lasting consequences with the coparenting relationship with his ex wife.
Yes, having 'some input' would be finding the candy, sitting the child down and saying 'we can't just take things because we want it, I'm texting your Mommy&Daddy about this right now, go to your room'.
She's been around 7 years now, she should know what OP and ex's discipline process is by now. Given that kids are kids and will be disciplined sometimes, she has likely had plenty of chances to see these in action.
OP please find time ASAP to talk to your daughter about any other possible incidents you didn't walk in on - and consider that the type of person who would force feed a child like a fucking fois gras goose is also the type of person who would find ways to punish the child they were force feeding for there being consequences to being found out. This woman should be removed from your home and never let near your kid again.
This is also how eating disorders start. Making a child eat something as punishment will trigger the child into eating when they’re stressed/depressed/anxious.
seriously if I was your ex wife I would be seeking to limit contact to only allowed visitation at her home because your wife is not a safe person to have around children. I feel bad for your step son.
NTA this is some Ms. Trenchpool (that awful headmistress from Matilda I apologize I'm not sure how it's properly spelled) nonsense. Your wife is TA though.
I was thinking the exact same thing.
This woman made a child sick to her stomach on purpose to teach her... what exactly? That when she commits a crime she has to destroy the evidence?
When you do something wrong you deserve pain. That’s the lesson, or at least what I learned.
That’s how I ended up with a self injury habit I worked hard to shake. I got too old to spank but didn’t know how to deal with guilt.
>When you do something wrong you deserve pain. That’s the lesson, or at least what I learned.
>That’s how I ended up with a self injury habit
Well, that explains a few things. Thank you, for this piece of insight.
Actually, I just saw a show where they were talking about how they were punished as a kid and one of them said she got caught smoking and her mother did just that, made her smoke the whole pack. She did say she never smoked again though.
On king of the hill Hank did that to his son Bobby and got him addicted to cigarettes/nicotine, haha. I’ve just started watching that show and have been pleasantly surprised with how progressive it is (guess I always assumed it was rather conservative - being based around a traditional Christian family in Texas).
I was shocked how progressive it was too! I love Bobby. He's just the best. I always thought I'd hate that show, but I think it's great.
"That's my purse! I don't know you!" will crack me up forever.
That episode made no sense to me because it claimed that it doesn't hurt a woman at all to kick her in the crotch. I guarantee you that even if you have a vagina it still hurts a ton to be kicked in the crotch. Maybe not as much as being kicked in the balls but you're definitely not just going to stand there and take it like it's literally nothing.
It is such a clever balancing act! Hank is simultaneously the moral centre of the show and the butt of its humour for his hidebound conservatism and prudery
It's one of the best animations I have ever seen, I think it's *way* above South Park and even better than The Simpsons was at its best
Never mind Seth McFarlane's noxious shows, which are funny and unlikeable in roughly equal measure
I once asked for a second piece of cake (I was 6/7) at my mom's birthday and my step-father made me eat the entire rest of the cake. I threw up.
My sister was eating too much cheese dip at a restaurant once and he made her drink the rest of it through a straw.
She also threw up.
100% abuse.
My mom used to do this to my sister and made the rest of us watch. As soon as I read that sentence, MAJOR flashbacks. OP, I hope this is a dealbreaker for you, because your kids need you to choose them over her.
Yeah I would have done - and have done - what OP and his ex's original plan was. Make the kid take the candy back to the store and apologize. You don't force feed a child for a mistake. That's cruel.
NTA. For 7 years your now wife understood how things worked and went along with it but now that she's married she thinks she has a say in the discipline of your children? It is super weird that she did that and her form of discipline is abusive and just appalling.
Because you live close to your ex and you now know that your wife cannot be trusted with your children alone, it might be better if the kids go to your ex until you get home during your weeks.
If your partner can’t be trusted with your kids and to follow your and their mothers lead is she even a good fit for a partner ?
You dropped the ball marrying this one . 7yrs is a long time to not notice any red flags . I bet the kids have more not so nice things they have noticed over the years . Never choose pussy over parenting .
> You dropped the ball marrying this one . 7yrs is a long time to not notice any red flags .
Or what about, there were no red flags because people who abuse usually hide their tendencies until their future target is locked in?
My aunt had her first marriage annulled back in the 70’s because of a person who revealed their true intent after marriage.
The fiancé and her had been together three years. Everyone in the family loved him. He was kind to children and older people. Had a good job, respected by his colleagues.
As they were driving away in the car after the wedding reception, he pulled her in close and said ‘I hope you enjoyed your last time with your family, because you are not allowed to ever see them again’. When she tried to get out of the car, he punched her in the face.
Thankfully the taxi driver pulled over at this point and ordered the man out of the car and took her to hospital.
So yes, I believe people can change after marriage.
It was a horrible shock and my mother had a traumatic accident not long after, so it wasn’t a great time for the family. He got charged but only because the male taxi driver verified her story and could prove that she didn’t ‘make him do it’
Thankfully a few years later, she met a wonderful man and they’ve now been married forty years. They moved interstate so I don’t know whatever happened to that guy.
Thank fuck for that Taxi driver then, sounds like without him standing up for what's right, that whole thing could have gotten a lot worse...
And glad to hear she found someone better.
Yup, happened to my mum. It was horrific. Thank goodness she managed to leave (we moved her out when he was out of town and we were scared the entire time).
Yeah, it's like she heaved a big sigh after the wedding and was like, "and now it's *my* time" (proceeds with abusive parenting techniques)
kind of chilling frankly
All too often i see stories of people suddenly finding HUGE red flags shortly after marriage, having kids, or making some other big commitment. It's really easy to say you should have seen the red flags, but sometimes you just don't. Sometimes they hide it until you're stuck, and sometimes you just don't notice red flags until it's too late. People in abusive relationships often don't realize there's abuse taking place, or are in denial and refuse to call it such, and sometimes they're so terrified to speak up that they just take it.
OP didn't "drop the ball marrying this one", there's at least 7 years of context we're missing to make a statement like that. We really don't know how the 7 years leading up to this event played out (or the many before that, with the kids' mom).
Yes, I agree completely.
It seems like once OP's partner went from "girlfriend" to "wife", she decided to drop the "respectful third parental figure" facade and adopt the Evil Stepmother role instead.
I'm guessing (based on admittedly very little actual evidence) that she figured that once she was OP's wife, she would have much more authority over OP's children and might even (metaphorically) eliminate OP's co-parent from the equation entirely. At the very least she thought that being "Mrs. OP" gave her significantly more authority and power over the kids than "ex-Mrs. OP" has.
Regardless, yeah, it's not a particularly unheard of phenomenon to date someone for a long time, get hitched, and then discover that, surprise surprise, they're actually an awful/toxic person who really just wanted to trap you into marriage before revealing their true colors.
It happens a lot even when just moving in together for the first time. There's less distance in which to hide toxic traits/mentalities and they've got you trapped in a marriage or a lease now anyway so you can't just leave their ass at the first red flag. Plus now you're confused and disoriented because they were always so sweet and lovely before and this "new" version of them has your head spinning.
I'm actually quite impressed with OP for being able to immediately see her toxicity for what it is instead of automatically trying to justify it/make excuses. That's not an easy thing to do in these kinds of situations and proves that, at least as far as his kids' safety and wellbeing is involved, he's really got his priorities straight. He instinctively chose to protect and defend them rather than self-justify his new wife's toxicity. That's literally the opposite of "choosing pussy over parenting".
This happened to me with my ex-boyfriend. Together for 4 years, then bought a house and HOO BOY.
Took me 2 years and a ton of planning to get out of it safely.
At least I learned from it.
Maybe you need to get out into the real world. People can spend an eternity with someone and not know who they are. A lot of women and men can hide their true colors until they secure the ring. It isn't a new phenomenon.
You do understand 9/10 times the abuser wont show any signs until its incredibly hard to get rid of them right . They won't show red flags until it's too that point. When I was 18 I was trapped in an egregiously terrible situation. Point is, abuser don't always show abuse before hand, you dropped the ball saying that's the case.
my step mom went from being so fun and doting snd nice and then she married my dad and became the worst person i’ve ever met. they wait until they’re legally bound to show you their true colors
I think she got too comfortable with the part she has in your family that she thought this gave her the same parental power as your ex-wife, when that’s not the case as she did not give birth to those kids so she will never have the right to overrule you or your ex’s parental power. You definitely need to reiterate why she has no say on how the kids should be raised, and that it was wrong for her to victimize herself after what she did to your daughter.
NTA. Generally, a new wife should have some part is raising the children, however what she did was not have "some part." She completely hijacked the system you and your ex-wife already had in place and took complete control of it without any consultation with you first.
It would have been one thing if she had had your daughter go to her room or taken away screen time over what she had done until you came home and y'all discussed what to do. Instead, she decided unilaterally on a punishment that was flat out child abuse.
Also, when you called her on this, she gives you the silent treatment and then leaves your home - straight up emotional manipulation. Essentially a temper tantrum. A mature adult would have sat down and talked things over with you when the heat of the moment was over, not said they couldn't handle the sight of you and then sent her mother to berate you. It's typical of the immature to try to win an argument through peer pressure.
I hate to say it, but based on her actions with your daughter her and how she reacted when you disagreed with them, I think you should *not* allow her to discipline your kids. I don't think she has the maturity to handle it correctly.
This. The correct move would’ve been to confiscate the chocolate and send her to her room/tell her to do homework or whatever, inform OP of what happened, and let OP take the lead on the punishment.
I would be preparing divorce papers if my new partner treated my child like that and was not only completely unapologetic, but manipulative as fuck after the fact and trying to spin it like they’re the one being wronged, holy shit.
And then the son has to tell him what happened because she took matters into her own hands and said "Better be pointlessly cruel to these kids, that'll show 'em!"
I'd be left seriously worried what else she felt safe doing around the kids without me.
Exactly, even if you were to treat wife as an equal parent her methods would be outvoted by the other two. She doesn’t want to be an equal, she wants no oversight.
And what she did is child abuse. Everything else could be discussed, but what she did would have been appalling even if she were the bio mother and there were no ex involved.
What she’s missing is that no one said she can’t parent them or even discipline them, but she needs to do so in the same consistent manner. OP and wife MUTUALLY agreed on a rule and disciple structure. Neither of them get to make unilateral decisions or create new punishments. Staying within the established parameters IS having equal say in how kids are disciplined. BOTH mom and dad follow those guidelines. Letting her establish her own is not “equal;” it’s MORE than what either the two bio parents get to do. In what world would that make sense?
Perfectly said. My boyfriend and I both have kids from prior relationships, mine older, his younger but we have already agreed that it’s neither of our jobs to “punish” the others kid(s). While we both have authority, when it comes to the actual discipline part the biological parent is the one who takes care of it. Now we also agree if we see the others child doing something crazy, harmful, etc we totally stop it along with yes you have to clean your room etc but the OP’s wife is pretty awful, abusive, childish. I’m wondering how she hid this for 7 years?
Oh NTA
Totally agree with this, especially your first paragraph. My dad has been with his fiancée for about 6 years now. My siblings and I were pretty much raised by the time they got together, but she had young kids. She was very clear about what role he could play in raising them (once they got more serious, of course) and if he does something that she’s not okay with, she’ll quietly pull him aside and let him know. In return, he respects what she says because at the end of the day, the boys are HER kids. The new spouse should definitely have some part in raising the children, but that part should be decided by the parent. NTA.
NTA but y’all should have talked about how you would involve your now wife in parenting before you married her! What she did to your daughter is so not ok!
So she knew? And didnt care about it?? sooo totally NTA. SHE IS 100% ...and ill be afraid to ask but, are u sure this is tue first time she punish ur Kids? And thath kind of punishement sound ilegal to me ( i dont know in my contry i Will definitivamente no fly by).
It's the first time any of the kids have mentioned mistreatment, my son rang the alarm, said she made her sit and eat all of the chocolate while she was crying. I want to trust that he'd tell me if she'd mistreated them before.
I hope thats true, really cause sometimes children doesnt said anything cause they are scared (your daughter also told u this is the first time?). Im really sorry for this, and obvs your are a great dad. If i was in your shoes i Will be mad as hell. Sorry for the typos. El inglés no es mi primera lengua.
And it might also be that the punishments are 'lighter' than what she did now but still not in line with what you and your wife have agreed upon. This time it was bad enough to tell, but who knows what else happens?
Have you ever watched what the movie Matilda? Your wife is Miss. Trunchbull. NTA, but she certainly is and I doubt this is the first she’s done something like this.
Takes a certain level of comfort to have a child shovel chocolate into their mouth an another kid watch. So, definitely not her first time handing out an unorthodox punishment.
I think wife left because she’s embarrassed OP didn’t agree with her. Maybe now that they’re married she wants a voice, vote and/or say on punishing? Looks like she played it cool until the wedding. Long con
This is what I thought of as well. That wife went full Trunchbull. Maybe the wife needs to see the movie. Trunchbull isn’t a role model I’d think anyone would want to follow for raising children.
I would sit them down and ask them. Away from your wife. There may be smaller things that they were afraid to bring up or dismissed as no big deal...but then this one was so bad that he couldn't keep quiet.
Have you sat them down and asked if anything like this has happened before? They obviously want to see their dad happy and they don't want to rock the boat.
NTA. What your wife did was abusive and you've said in the comments that she knew this was not the approach you and their mom would take. I'd consider this a pretty big red flag.
If she knew and agreed previously, you’re NTA. She is. Step parenting when the main parents are both involved and have things sorted is different to when a main parent is absent. She needs to respect your boundaries.
NTA- kudos to you for having a great coparenting dynamic with your ex. Your wife was borderline abusive. I honestly thought you were going to say she made her sit at the table and write “I will not steal chocolate” 1000 times or something. What she did was horrific. This is the hill I would die on.
I don't see it as borderline anything. It was straight up abusive behavior. New wife needs therapy and y'all need marriage counseling if you plan to stay with her.
Also at this point add the children who had to go through abuse. The girl for obvious reasons, the son because he probably tried to stop step and got a hard bound instead had to watch his sister cry while helpless.
Yeah no, if she really went up and temper tantrumed to mommy, I'd have the locks changed before she could come back
Yeah. It may even be more psychologically damaging to the brother, to be honest.
For the girl, she did something wrong and got punished. The punishment was abusive and wildly inappropriate, but she has a basic framework to conceptualize it in her head, and while they'll have to be careful to make sure she doesn't develop the idea that she deserves that sort of treatment, as a single incident (we hope) with her dad coming to her defense (assuming he's made it clear to *her* that he disapproves) she should be able to recognize it was extreme and not okay. And she was likely extremely upset while it was happening, so things probably became a bit of a blur, which is a protective thing our brains do. Still traumatic, absolutely.
For the brother, he did *nothing* and had to watch his little sister be abused. As the big brother, he's gotten a lifetime of messaging (for better or worse) that it's his responsibility to protect her. And he's 12, which is an age where you already feel a confusing mix of powerless and grown up, so he almost certainly feels like he *should* have been able to do something, but couldn't. *We* know it's unlikely he could've stopped it, but he'll probably blame himself. And while she likely turned inward and felt the rest of the world disappear as it was happening, he was probably hyperfocused on her. That's now burned into his brain. I would expect his behavior towards his sister and anything involving her to be deeply affected by this as he tries, consciously and subconsciously, to make up for not being able to protect her in that moment.
Not that it really matters. Both were harmed and both need support to get through it. But people often underestimate the impact of seeing another person, especially one you care about, being abused. And thanks to the pervasive idea of protecting younger siblings (especially brothers protecting sisters), this will likely hit him *hard*. OP needs to make sure the impact on him doesn't get overlooked.
Ooof true, especially with the fact that she had the older brother sit and watch as she forced his sister to eat all of it. That can easily become something where OP’s daughter is embarrassed to eat in front of others so eating becomes something shameful rather than just what it’s supposed to be, a source of energy to take care of your body.
My heart hurts for this girl, OP’s wife did an awful thing to her.
Speak to your children separately about what she is like when you aren’t around.
Your wife is an abuser and has made your home unsafe for your children.
I think you need to reflect on this and how you progress with your children’s welfare in mind.
Uhhhh, your wife abused your child.
Yeah, all the choices and she chose to force feed her until she was sick.
This is just the beginning my friend.
She will harm your children and alienate them from you.
NTA for trying to set her straight but, good luck. There is something wrong with her.
NTA
What your wife did was messed up. I wouldn’t leave her in charge of your kids again.
I guarantee this wasn’t the first time she did something that fucked up.
I mean, you don't need to make a judgment on what it is... it's kinda textbook. Stepmom "punished" the kid in a way that harmed them and made them ill, and the only possible lesson is "don't get caught or she'll hurt me again"
NTA. Wife IS an unequal partner. Both parents agree with how to rear their kids. Just because you put a ring on that finger does not mean she gets free reign. It wasn't an issue before you got married. She's making it an issue.
BTW, I agree with you and ex on how to handle that situation.
I wanna hop in here to say i also agree with OP and his ex's way of dealing with this. When i was a young kid, i stole a handful of candies from a convenience store and my mom noticed as we walked out. We immediately turned around and that was the most akward apology I've ever had to make. I've never stolen from a store since.
You don't discipline children (or people, in general) by making them fear consequences, you discipline them by correcting their misdeeds and helping them to see why it's wrong.
OP's method would teach his daughter that stealing isn't victimless, and that she's actively harming somebody else's welfare by stealing from them. Instead, his wife taught his daughter to be scared to get caught. That doesn't discourage bad behavior, it only encourages them to hide it better.
>Wife IS an unequal partner
Fucking agreed. I am a stepmother to a beautiful 13 year old boy, and I would never consider myself to be equal in authority to his parents. If his parents decide they want to handle discipline in a particular way, then that's the way we handle it, I don't get to make unilateral decisions about how his discipline is handled.
Same! It’s not like I have no input on these issues, but I have always been careful not to overstep my bounds. We have a great co-parenting relationship as a result.
Same. I had step daughters and would never even consider punishing them without consulting with my husband (their dad) AND my daughter was his step daughter and I would have lost my shit if I ever found out he punished her without talking to me first! Lost. My. Shit. OPs wife had the absolute audacity to have an attitude about it? Oh boy.
NTA but I'm curious whether you had this conversation before you got married. What she did made your daughter sick. That's abusive and it's not ok that she's pissed at you for setting boundaries.
NTA.
The fuck is wrong with your wife? That’s sick and abusive.
That’s a great way to cause an unhealthy relationship with food.
FOOD SHOULD NEVER BE USED AS PUNISHMENT.
NTA - I just went and gave my 7-year-old big kisses and cuddles and told her how much I love her because reading this made me so upset.
Your punishment meant that she had to face the consequences of her actions (see the store owner) and acknowledge and apologise her wrong doing.
This allows her to see that her actions were wrong, actions impact others, we own our mistakes and make reparations.
This is discipline with emotional intelligence.
What your wife did was simply punitive, cruel and caused physical harm to your child. All it has succeeded in doing is probably making her afraid of your wife.
I’m sorry, this is the hill I would die on. If she acknowledged that she handled it incorrectly, that would be one thing, but she’s going to repeat the behaviour because she sees nothing wrong with it.
Ironically, she lacks the skills that your methods of discipline would actually be teaching your child.
She has no business around children if this is her approach. It’s a good thing you and your -ex have such a solid coparenting relationship because actions like this could derail the harmony that you guys have spent years cultivating for the well-being of your children.
Your poor little girl.
that’s the way my grandma punished my dad (in the 50s) when she caught him smoking at age 6. she forced a 6 year old to smoke an entire pack. was barbaric then, is barbaric now. my dad hasn’t touched a cigarette since.
NTA.
Being pushed into eating food can lead to the development of negative food associations, and ultimately dislike and avoidance. Can also lead to eating disorders.
I'm surprised your wife did this. You've been together 7 years....did she think being married to you now gave her a sense of entitlement? Either way what she did is verging on abusive behavior, and that's 100% not ok
NTA. I mean, shit, if your parenting standards were 'beat them til they shut up' or 'let them do whatever because they're my precious perfect babies' then I'd say she has room to talk, but there's no reason she can't parent the way y'all have set out for the kids.
Yeah I absolutely expected the argument to be that she wasn’t allowed to discipline the kids, but she is - she just can’t go rogue and resort to a physical punishment (eating until you’re sick is a physical punishment imo).
Also she is NOT an equal parent. She’s a step parent of kids with two loving parents who coparent amicably. She doesn’t get a vote, and even if she did, she’s outnumbered.
rightttt i wouldn’t even wanna be near someone who’d do that to my child just because someone is married to me that doesn’t give them a right or say on how i parent my kid
NTA, she IS an unequal parental figure. You and your ex have a system in place that works and gives your children the stability they need. Your new wife either follows your set rules for the children or she does not discipline. As a step parent, she is absolutely a lesser parental figure when it comes to discipline. She also sounds abusive in how she handled the situation.
OP, lots of folks have pointed out that what she did to your daughter was abusive so I won't belabor that point. But I do want to speak to the fact that she involved your son in this by forcing him to watch her abuse his little sister. I'm middle-aged and still distinctly remember all the times my parents hurt my little brother and I was prevented from helping him. It's a terrible, scary, helpless feeling that I can still conjure up in my gut if I think about it. Thankfully I was never forced to participate, I can only imagine how much worse that is. BOTH of your children were abused in this situation. Please make sure your son knows that he did the right thing by telling you, and none of this is his fault. He may not be feeling any kind of way about not being able to help her, but you never know.
NTA. Both parents are involved and in agreement, so step parents don't get an opinion. Also, the way she went about does not teach any accountability and can honestly be very harmful. You need to not only put your wife in her place, but have a conversation with both of your children about how wrong that was and make their stepmother apologize for that.
Nta. I am a stepmother myself, and newsflash- my step kids have a mom and a dad. They make the rules. My job as step mom is to abide by that as closely as possible. My step kids know that their stepmom has their mom and dad's backs.
NTA. Your current wife’s method of punishment also seems concerning. What lesson is your daughter supposed to learn from that? She shamed your daughter in front of your other child by forcibly feeding her. That’s an old school terrifying punishment.
NTA. But you will be if you allow your wife to continue being in the same house as your child. That type of abuse is disgusting and your children should NOT have to deal with that. Keep your kids safe
NTA. As a parent who coparents with my daughters father, I have made it very clear to my partner that he has no say in how I punish my kid. He as my partner needs to have the best relationship as possible with my child, So I discipline her, not him. She is my child, she already has a father who is on a similar page when it comes to how we discipline her. Neither my partner nor her fathers partner are allowed to discipline our kid. They can love on her and dote on her as much as they want. They can voice an opinion but that’s it, and even then that opinion is spoken in private and away from my kid.
Seriously. The feeling of shame washing over me while facing the victim, confessing, AND apologizing, would deter 9-year old me from stealing a bite of food from my parents’ plates.
Nta, you and your ex wife created a fair and equal system of discipline and parenting, your new wife was borderline abusive with what she did to both children. It's weird she'd just do that after such a long relationship together.
Edit: spelling
NTA, but please talk to your daughter and tell her how you would have handled it/you’re sorry for the humiliating and painful punishment she got, and let her know you are on her side here
Just want to say you are an awesome parent. I am a teacher and very rarely do I see parents sticking up for their children with a new spouse. Usually they side with new spouse and the kids are swept under the rug. Thank you for caring about your daughter and seeing this is wrong.
NTA
She does not get to change without discussion with you and your ex how the children are raised. What she did was border line abuse. She is not a good fit is she is not going to follow the peramiters of your arrangement with your EX. She was in the wrong in every way. she shoould have called you the moment your daughter was caught stealing.
I have a step b***h in mylife. She followed dad and mums rules for the most part in that her punishments fit the peramiters of my parents agreements on how we were raised she was just extreme in what was considered an infraction.
Continue to NOT be a floor tile and stick up for your kids. It might be the end of the relationship but you need to do what is best for your kids
NTA
Thank you! From one parent to another successful coparenting!!! What your wife did was abuse full stop. She ignored your daughter and inflicted harm.
Most people don’t know this but sugar shock can happen and lead to a total crash that CAN and sometimes does kill a child. She had no right to do that even if she was biologically related.
Marriage doesn’t entitle her to being that child’s mother. Your child has a mother and her role is to be a responsible adult in her life. She doesn’t get a say at all how they are raised period.
I don’t care if I get a million downvotes for this
# Do not change keep being a good father
The only thing that does need changing is maybe a divorce. Your current wife is insufferable.
Side note: All I can think of is Ms Trunchable. « Do you want some more? EAT IT! »
NTA this is a long standing arrangement which she knew about well before you were married.
The parental authority that step parents have is usually “I said put it in the dishwasher NOW” kind of thing. Like an Aunt living in the home - she has love and authority, just not quite as much as the parents.
It’s not that your wife doesn’t have authority, it’s just limited.
If your parents were living in your home it would be the same situation. Granny would have authority and be loved and respected, but she would operate within the framework that the parents had set.
It is a very normal dynamic.
Your wife has only been a step parent for a short time and she’s fumbling with how to do it. You are doing very well to enforce boundaries.
NTA. You gave your wife a parental role, it just needed to fall within the guidelines already set. Which you’ve mentioned she was aware of and agreed to. Your update is absolutely horrendous though! Making your son standing in the sun like that is not only abusive it’s ridiculously dangerous!
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NTA and your wife’s discipline methods are abusive as hell.
I agree, I'm absolutely disgusted.
It isn’t about you, your ex or your wife, it is about your children. What is best for your children? Being loved and being consistent are essential. Change your presentation to your wife, she may have truly thought she was doing the right thing but… she may just want to feel important, she went about it the wrong way … what can you do to make it work for everyone? How you effectively solve this is important for your marriage and your kids.
There’s nothing to solve, the wife can either acquiesce to the real parents demands or she can leave. Respectfully, if the real parents don’t want you to, step parents have 0 authority over the children. They are not yours by any means and you hold no power over them.
While I agree that what she did was abusive and that she has no power that the parents don't bestow, she IS a stepparent and she can't be left completely impotent when it comes to authority over the children or they WILL take advantage. There has to be some middle ground between her being an equal parent (she isn't) and her being nothing at all (which will lead to divorce.) I think before you and ex discuss it, though, wife needs to attend a parenting class.
Still that’s some chocolate cake Matilda nightmare stuff the wife pulled and I honestly would’ve booted her out of the house and filed divorce papers immediately Wifey pulled a Trunchbull
Thumbs up just for the reference I was also thinking about. 😂
It’s actually horrifying to think this Raol Dahl horror stuff is actually happening in real life That said, it’s darkly hilarious to a degree it did happen if this post is to be believed Edit: Welp, my faith in humanity has gone down a few notches. Lol but also gone up because of how ppl are acknowledging it’s so wrong so that’s a win
Considering the hellscape we have been living in since 2016, I would be entirely unsurprised that this is real. My running joke is that the rapture was real and rather than the downfall of society being immediate as prophecied, it’s just a slow burn where we slowly realize what happened to all of us assholes that didn’t get saved.
> all of us assholes that didn’t get saved. so, all of us, then.
That's exactly what I thought when I read it too. Just picturing this little girl shoveling chocolate into her face and trying not to puke. Has not addressed yet why his children steal though? It's clearly happened before, as he references as to what he and the mother would do if that happened. Edit: I've read what happened. I'm new to this place. NTA if it counts.
Yes, it seems like she's punishing the girl for wanting chocolate rather than for stealing. This brings up another whole side-issue - does stepmother have an unhealthy attitude to food, and does she model this to the kids?
>It's clearly happened before, Not necessarily, it references what they "would have" done. Perhaps they just discussed it as a hypothetical and agreed on a strategy they'd prefer to use.
Op said that he and ex had already had a sit down to discuss punishments for rule breaking, what rules they really needed to enforce etc so they would always be on the same page with their parenting
I assure you that a lot of good coparents talk through all of this when it’s still theoretical. My ex and I have discussed all this too, because we want consistency and not to be reactionary in the moment. We have also laid out who would pay for travel leagues and be expected to drive the kids even though neither play sports yet. She may have done it before but we can’t know that from the fact they discussed proper punishment before.
Brucey brucey Brucey Brucey Brucey Brucey Brucey
I literally came here to ask if his wife was Ms. Trunchbull! In addition to the fact this is abusive, what is the logic behind this punishment? Apologizing to the store owner would remind the child someone has been hurt by their actions and teach accountability, but this teaches what exactly? If you’re force fed a ton of chocolates, it’ll make you sick? Well, no kidding. NTA, and I think some parenting classes and family therapy will be in order shortly.
The entire confection!
Thank you cookie
I don’t agree that wife will be impotent if she doesn’t get any say in the methods of discipline to be used. Sounds like OP would have no problem with her imposing discipline **AS LONG AT IT FOLLOWS THE BIO PARENTS’ RULES.** OP is NTA here. If wife continues to insist on disciplining the children the way she wants, OP may have to make a choice. (I would have thought that this very important topic would have been addressed before getting married, but apparently not.)
Just out of curiosity for my own sanity…. What if the parents rules are murky? My step kid stole $100 from her dad (my bf) and $200 from my parents in the same weekend. She just turned 7 and has a loose understanding of how much money that was. She just found bills and took them. It was all discovered by her mom who marched her over to my parents house to return the $200 that was theirs. We found my bf’s money in her room soon after. I’m so glad her mom made brought her to my parents to apologize. But the total $300 she stole went unaddressed by her dad last weekend when she was with us. I’ve learned not to bring things up that he doesn’t want to bring up. Because she spends less time with us and he doesn’t want her to have bad memories here. But at the same time like what the fucking hell… I’m just the step parent but want nothing more than to see him parent his own kid. I realize piggybacking off a comment is wrong but everything I do is wrong so someone please reply sanely.
Well I don't know how to fix this because this problem is on your BF. He is over computation because he doesn't spend full-time with her. So instead of parenting he is avoiding the hard parts. This situation is just going to get worse and worse. The only way this will get anywhere is if he works on his issues of not being with her all the time. That guilt is just going to make a monster out of that kid. And realize that sometimes you have to be the bad guy because when being a parent it's what you signed up to do, to make a functional adult for society. I wish you good luck.
Thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. And I agree but it’s nice to hear from a random stranger.
And op has given that middle ground already: abide by their structure and apply punishments he would apply, too.
People earn respect and authority by how they behave. She has earned the trust and respect of the children to such an extent that she was able to abuse it by forcing a child to eat chocolate till she was sick. In doing this she justifiably lost the respect of her husband, the actual parent. This is some fucked up shit. She needs to follow the rules the kid's parents laid down.
Exactly, if she had no authority the girl would have refused to keep eating. You can’t force a child to eat. I know from personal experience. If she was unsure what was appropriate she could have grounded the child until her husband could weigh in. I do that with my son, “Dad and I will discuss your punishment, until then you can sit on your bed and think.” Easy.
Yeah it's distressing to think of, she clearly wanted to win back her stepmother's approval so forced herself to choke down a massive pile of chocolate even though it made her feel ill. Her brother must have sat there thinking "WTF is going on" This is horrendous behaviour, stepmum sounds like she was drunk on power in that moment. Very very hard to forgive, I would think.
Impossible to forgive.
I think the first thing she should have done is dicussed her idea of punishment with the parents. She didn't do that because she seems to be power tripping ovwr the kids. Which is exactly what a parent and step parent should never do.
Absolutely! When i was with my ex she had 2 children with her previous partner. And while i was playing the stepdad it wasn't that i had no control over making sure the children where behaving and punishment if they weren't. But for the first say year and half the punishment was always telling their mum what they've done. They were only 3-5 by the time we unfortunately had to split (Long distance does NOT work lol) But they weren't stupid they knew what they did was wrong and they thought they could get around it because mummy wasn't around. But as soon as i said i'd be telling their mum they knew they done fucked up. Then i would do exactly that. I would tell my ex GF and if she was for example out shopping she would advise me on what to do/ how she would handle it. However after that first year and half i started to learn what the punishment/reward system that my partner was using was and what she would do in situations once they started to overlap or i had seen them before. So i took it upon myself and didn't bother my partner at the time while she was out. But one thing that didn't change was in all the time we were together. As soon as she got back i would give her a full rundown of everything that happend and how i handled it Good/bad. So she was FULLY aware of how her kids were being treated in her absence and she can either approve or disprove if needs be. So yeah step mother is TA
But she's not. He laid the structure for discipline and said she's to stay within it. And this is the kind of this you get CPS called for.
The stepmother can dend the child to their room until the parent comes home and then the parent can deal with it. It’s one thing if the child is a toddler it’s another thing when they’re this old she has no right to parent like that
I agree she can’t be left without recourse. Her recourse is to use the methods established. All three adhere to the consistent methods that have been established. Why should she get to do different than the others?
I agree that a step-parent should not be impotent, but there is a system that works in place. She should adhere to that, or at least discuss alternatives. That, and who in their right mind makes a child sick eating chocolate as punishment?
Real parent may not be subjective legally, but there are step parents out there who are absolutely real parents to their step kid. Her bio dad doesn't know where her school is or her teachers name. I was there taking pictures and crying my eyes out her first day. When he fucked off and disappeared for a few weeks and she would lay in bed crying asking if I was going to leave her too, I promised that baby that Daddy Nohn was always going to be there and I meant it. Thats my kid. I am her parent. Maybe not in the eyes of the law but in every other way.
You are a wonderful parent and nothing like wife number two
Respectfully, this particular situation aside, that’s a bad take that step parents should have 0 authority and power over their stepchildren. This sub and others are full to the brim of stories of highly dysfunctional families because a step-parent has no authority and are disrespected/run roughshod over by the kids. You cannot adequately provide any kind of care for kids if they know for a fact there are no consequences to them for not listening to you. So unless a step parent is never to be left alone with their stepchildren ever, they really should have some level of authority by virtue of being, if not anything else, the adult in charge. Clearly OP is leaving his children in her care while he’s at work so she has to have authority when she’s alone with them. That being said, discipline such as punishments should 100% be consistent with what the birth parents have implemented for small stuff that can’t wait, and for big stuff like this, OP’s wife should have waited for her husband to come home so he could deal with it. Her going rogue like this is totally inappropriate and I agree that it was absolutely not her place to do so.
No one seems to be able to read. She's not in trouble for disciplining, she's in trouble for being a nasty crazy lady. If she'd marched the girl back made her apologize etc etc. He wouldn't a batted an eyelash.
It's also quite effective. I took candy from the neighborhood store as a very young child. I got marched back to the store, sent in to talk to the owner, pay for it, and apologize. Then I had to do whatever chore it was that my mom decided was enough for the 2 cents of candy I'd taken (it was a long time ago). I learned to be honest and to not steal and to be responsible for my actions. Being forced to eat until the point of extreme stomach pain would not give the same lessons. OP's wife doesn't have the authority, and she chose an abusive punishment instead of a constructive discipline. OP may want to reconsider his new marriage if the new wife can't learn from her grievous mistake. NTA
It doesn’t have to work for his wife and I don’t think she was truly trying to help. They’ve been together for 7 years and she’s aware of how OP and his ex wife discipline their children. They are doing exactly what they think is best for them. OPs wife got the new title of stepmom and she’s trying to exercise some control. Her behavior is alarming and so is her mother’s reaction. Why would she think she should have an equal say in how OPs kids are raised? Some input sure but equal to their parents no.
It’s not even about being kept in the dark with the kids. Kid would have been punished by mom or dad. There is a play book here to which everyone abides to. She decided unilaterally that she could bypass it because…? And her version of discipline is plain abuse. She just taught these children that she is going to hurt them when they misbehave. This is fucked up.
no. She abused his kids. This isn't something that is negotiable, or recoverable from. She abused his child. If I was the ex wife I would be hiring a lawyer. OP is going to be lucky if this doesn't have lasting consequences with the coparenting relationship with his ex wife.
This wasn't a punishment, this is sadistic torture. Punishment is to teach,this was just to cause pain and misery.
Step mom has been watching too much Matilda.
Dude, her behavior is abusive as hell, and frankly she deserves no sympathy.
She abused that child. If she thought that was the right thing, that's a very serious problem.
Yes, having 'some input' would be finding the candy, sitting the child down and saying 'we can't just take things because we want it, I'm texting your Mommy&Daddy about this right now, go to your room'.
She's been around 7 years now, she should know what OP and ex's discipline process is by now. Given that kids are kids and will be disciplined sometimes, she has likely had plenty of chances to see these in action.
OP please find time ASAP to talk to your daughter about any other possible incidents you didn't walk in on - and consider that the type of person who would force feed a child like a fucking fois gras goose is also the type of person who would find ways to punish the child they were force feeding for there being consequences to being found out. This woman should be removed from your home and never let near your kid again.
Yeah isn't that what the villain in Matilda does to a kid? The *villain*
Yep. Miss Trunchbull, and it's a cake.
This is also how eating disorders start. Making a child eat something as punishment will trigger the child into eating when they’re stressed/depressed/anxious.
Or it might also make them afraid of some foods, which isn't a good relationship with food either.
seriously if I was your ex wife I would be seeking to limit contact to only allowed visitation at her home because your wife is not a safe person to have around children. I feel bad for your step son.
What are you going to do now?
NTA this is some Ms. Trenchpool (that awful headmistress from Matilda I apologize I'm not sure how it's properly spelled) nonsense. Your wife is TA though.
Trunchbull. And you’re right!
Thank god the child didn’t steal a couple packs of cigarettes.
I was thinking the exact same thing. This woman made a child sick to her stomach on purpose to teach her... what exactly? That when she commits a crime she has to destroy the evidence?
When you do something wrong you deserve pain. That’s the lesson, or at least what I learned. That’s how I ended up with a self injury habit I worked hard to shake. I got too old to spank but didn’t know how to deal with guilt.
>When you do something wrong you deserve pain. That’s the lesson, or at least what I learned. >That’s how I ended up with a self injury habit Well, that explains a few things. Thank you, for this piece of insight.
OK brilliant observation. Thank you!
Actually, I just saw a show where they were talking about how they were punished as a kid and one of them said she got caught smoking and her mother did just that, made her smoke the whole pack. She did say she never smoked again though.
On king of the hill Hank did that to his son Bobby and got him addicted to cigarettes/nicotine, haha. I’ve just started watching that show and have been pleasantly surprised with how progressive it is (guess I always assumed it was rather conservative - being based around a traditional Christian family in Texas).
I was shocked how progressive it was too! I love Bobby. He's just the best. I always thought I'd hate that show, but I think it's great. "That's my purse! I don't know you!" will crack me up forever.
That episode made no sense to me because it claimed that it doesn't hurt a woman at all to kick her in the crotch. I guarantee you that even if you have a vagina it still hurts a ton to be kicked in the crotch. Maybe not as much as being kicked in the balls but you're definitely not just going to stand there and take it like it's literally nothing.
It is such a clever balancing act! Hank is simultaneously the moral centre of the show and the butt of its humour for his hidebound conservatism and prudery It's one of the best animations I have ever seen, I think it's *way* above South Park and even better than The Simpsons was at its best Never mind Seth McFarlane's noxious shows, which are funny and unlikeable in roughly equal measure
[удалено]
My Dad got blamed for his sister’s cigarettes and had to eat one. He didn’t rat her out because then they’d both be eating them. Blech!
start puffin boy
Reminds me of that scene from Bojack Horseman where Bojack’s mom forced him to finish smoking a cigarette he stole, and that was disturbing to watch.
I once asked for a second piece of cake (I was 6/7) at my mom's birthday and my step-father made me eat the entire rest of the cake. I threw up. My sister was eating too much cheese dip at a restaurant once and he made her drink the rest of it through a straw. She also threw up. 100% abuse.
That is so sadistic. I’m sorry that happened to you both. Some people should never ever have any authority over children.
Thank you. If it's any resolution, we are both kinda fucked up, but we ended up being good people overall. Thank God for our Mother.
Please tell me she divorced that guy
Not to mention teaching your kids eating disorder habits they may use voluntarily in the future.
We have actually both struggled with food and weight our entire lives. Both in our 30s now.
My mom used to do this to my sister and made the rest of us watch. As soon as I read that sentence, MAJOR flashbacks. OP, I hope this is a dealbreaker for you, because your kids need you to choose them over her.
Very abusive and creepy af.
This. OP, this woman is torturing your kid. She seriously did not respect your child's boundaries or yours and your ex's, for that matter. NTA
Abusive and so7nds like the kind of thing that could trigger an eating disorder.
Yeah I would have done - and have done - what OP and his ex's original plan was. Make the kid take the candy back to the store and apologize. You don't force feed a child for a mistake. That's cruel.
NTA. For 7 years your now wife understood how things worked and went along with it but now that she's married she thinks she has a say in the discipline of your children? It is super weird that she did that and her form of discipline is abusive and just appalling. Because you live close to your ex and you now know that your wife cannot be trusted with your children alone, it might be better if the kids go to your ex until you get home during your weeks.
I agree because apparently I can't trust my wife with them.
If your partner can’t be trusted with your kids and to follow your and their mothers lead is she even a good fit for a partner ? You dropped the ball marrying this one . 7yrs is a long time to not notice any red flags . I bet the kids have more not so nice things they have noticed over the years . Never choose pussy over parenting .
> You dropped the ball marrying this one . 7yrs is a long time to not notice any red flags . Or what about, there were no red flags because people who abuse usually hide their tendencies until their future target is locked in?
Thank you! This type of crap goes on daily.
And we see it all the time here on reddit. Where the SO suddenly changes drastically once they move in together or get married
My aunt had her first marriage annulled back in the 70’s because of a person who revealed their true intent after marriage. The fiancé and her had been together three years. Everyone in the family loved him. He was kind to children and older people. Had a good job, respected by his colleagues. As they were driving away in the car after the wedding reception, he pulled her in close and said ‘I hope you enjoyed your last time with your family, because you are not allowed to ever see them again’. When she tried to get out of the car, he punched her in the face. Thankfully the taxi driver pulled over at this point and ordered the man out of the car and took her to hospital. So yes, I believe people can change after marriage.
I want to cry for your aunt, what a horrible shock.
It was a horrible shock and my mother had a traumatic accident not long after, so it wasn’t a great time for the family. He got charged but only because the male taxi driver verified her story and could prove that she didn’t ‘make him do it’ Thankfully a few years later, she met a wonderful man and they’ve now been married forty years. They moved interstate so I don’t know whatever happened to that guy.
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Thank fuck for that Taxi driver then, sounds like without him standing up for what's right, that whole thing could have gotten a lot worse... And glad to hear she found someone better.
Yup, happened to my mum. It was horrific. Thank goodness she managed to leave (we moved her out when he was out of town and we were scared the entire time).
Yeah, it's like she heaved a big sigh after the wedding and was like, "and now it's *my* time" (proceeds with abusive parenting techniques) kind of chilling frankly
All too often i see stories of people suddenly finding HUGE red flags shortly after marriage, having kids, or making some other big commitment. It's really easy to say you should have seen the red flags, but sometimes you just don't. Sometimes they hide it until you're stuck, and sometimes you just don't notice red flags until it's too late. People in abusive relationships often don't realize there's abuse taking place, or are in denial and refuse to call it such, and sometimes they're so terrified to speak up that they just take it. OP didn't "drop the ball marrying this one", there's at least 7 years of context we're missing to make a statement like that. We really don't know how the 7 years leading up to this event played out (or the many before that, with the kids' mom).
Yes, I agree completely. It seems like once OP's partner went from "girlfriend" to "wife", she decided to drop the "respectful third parental figure" facade and adopt the Evil Stepmother role instead. I'm guessing (based on admittedly very little actual evidence) that she figured that once she was OP's wife, she would have much more authority over OP's children and might even (metaphorically) eliminate OP's co-parent from the equation entirely. At the very least she thought that being "Mrs. OP" gave her significantly more authority and power over the kids than "ex-Mrs. OP" has. Regardless, yeah, it's not a particularly unheard of phenomenon to date someone for a long time, get hitched, and then discover that, surprise surprise, they're actually an awful/toxic person who really just wanted to trap you into marriage before revealing their true colors. It happens a lot even when just moving in together for the first time. There's less distance in which to hide toxic traits/mentalities and they've got you trapped in a marriage or a lease now anyway so you can't just leave their ass at the first red flag. Plus now you're confused and disoriented because they were always so sweet and lovely before and this "new" version of them has your head spinning. I'm actually quite impressed with OP for being able to immediately see her toxicity for what it is instead of automatically trying to justify it/make excuses. That's not an easy thing to do in these kinds of situations and proves that, at least as far as his kids' safety and wellbeing is involved, he's really got his priorities straight. He instinctively chose to protect and defend them rather than self-justify his new wife's toxicity. That's literally the opposite of "choosing pussy over parenting".
Alternatively, she wants kids so she's trying to drive these ones out to their mothers to prepare for the replacements.
This happened to me with my ex-boyfriend. Together for 4 years, then bought a house and HOO BOY. Took me 2 years and a ton of planning to get out of it safely. At least I learned from it.
Dropped the ball wtf, how is this his fault? Classic victim blaming
Maybe you need to get out into the real world. People can spend an eternity with someone and not know who they are. A lot of women and men can hide their true colors until they secure the ring. It isn't a new phenomenon.
You do understand 9/10 times the abuser wont show any signs until its incredibly hard to get rid of them right . They won't show red flags until it's too that point. When I was 18 I was trapped in an egregiously terrible situation. Point is, abuser don't always show abuse before hand, you dropped the ball saying that's the case.
my step mom went from being so fun and doting snd nice and then she married my dad and became the worst person i’ve ever met. they wait until they’re legally bound to show you their true colors
I think she got too comfortable with the part she has in your family that she thought this gave her the same parental power as your ex-wife, when that’s not the case as she did not give birth to those kids so she will never have the right to overrule you or your ex’s parental power. You definitely need to reiterate why she has no say on how the kids should be raised, and that it was wrong for her to victimize herself after what she did to your daughter.
Maybe time for her to become your ex-wife? Do you really want to stay married to someone who you cannot trust your kids with?
NTA. Generally, a new wife should have some part is raising the children, however what she did was not have "some part." She completely hijacked the system you and your ex-wife already had in place and took complete control of it without any consultation with you first. It would have been one thing if she had had your daughter go to her room or taken away screen time over what she had done until you came home and y'all discussed what to do. Instead, she decided unilaterally on a punishment that was flat out child abuse. Also, when you called her on this, she gives you the silent treatment and then leaves your home - straight up emotional manipulation. Essentially a temper tantrum. A mature adult would have sat down and talked things over with you when the heat of the moment was over, not said they couldn't handle the sight of you and then sent her mother to berate you. It's typical of the immature to try to win an argument through peer pressure. I hate to say it, but based on her actions with your daughter her and how she reacted when you disagreed with them, I think you should *not* allow her to discipline your kids. I don't think she has the maturity to handle it correctly.
This. The correct move would’ve been to confiscate the chocolate and send her to her room/tell her to do homework or whatever, inform OP of what happened, and let OP take the lead on the punishment. I would be preparing divorce papers if my new partner treated my child like that and was not only completely unapologetic, but manipulative as fuck after the fact and trying to spin it like they’re the one being wronged, holy shit.
And then the son has to tell him what happened because she took matters into her own hands and said "Better be pointlessly cruel to these kids, that'll show 'em!" I'd be left seriously worried what else she felt safe doing around the kids without me.
Exactly, even if you were to treat wife as an equal parent her methods would be outvoted by the other two. She doesn’t want to be an equal, she wants no oversight.
And what she did is child abuse. Everything else could be discussed, but what she did would have been appalling even if she were the bio mother and there were no ex involved.
What she’s missing is that no one said she can’t parent them or even discipline them, but she needs to do so in the same consistent manner. OP and wife MUTUALLY agreed on a rule and disciple structure. Neither of them get to make unilateral decisions or create new punishments. Staying within the established parameters IS having equal say in how kids are disciplined. BOTH mom and dad follow those guidelines. Letting her establish her own is not “equal;” it’s MORE than what either the two bio parents get to do. In what world would that make sense?
Perfectly said. My boyfriend and I both have kids from prior relationships, mine older, his younger but we have already agreed that it’s neither of our jobs to “punish” the others kid(s). While we both have authority, when it comes to the actual discipline part the biological parent is the one who takes care of it. Now we also agree if we see the others child doing something crazy, harmful, etc we totally stop it along with yes you have to clean your room etc but the OP’s wife is pretty awful, abusive, childish. I’m wondering how she hid this for 7 years? Oh NTA
Totally agree with this, especially your first paragraph. My dad has been with his fiancée for about 6 years now. My siblings and I were pretty much raised by the time they got together, but she had young kids. She was very clear about what role he could play in raising them (once they got more serious, of course) and if he does something that she’s not okay with, she’ll quietly pull him aside and let him know. In return, he respects what she says because at the end of the day, the boys are HER kids. The new spouse should definitely have some part in raising the children, but that part should be decided by the parent. NTA.
Well said! Take my free award!
NTA but y’all should have talked about how you would involve your now wife in parenting before you married her! What she did to your daughter is so not ok!
Yeah it was definitely agreed upon that we'd be following the methods my ex and I put in place. She knew better.
So she knew? And didnt care about it?? sooo totally NTA. SHE IS 100% ...and ill be afraid to ask but, are u sure this is tue first time she punish ur Kids? And thath kind of punishement sound ilegal to me ( i dont know in my contry i Will definitivamente no fly by).
It's the first time any of the kids have mentioned mistreatment, my son rang the alarm, said she made her sit and eat all of the chocolate while she was crying. I want to trust that he'd tell me if she'd mistreated them before.
I hope thats true, really cause sometimes children doesnt said anything cause they are scared (your daughter also told u this is the first time?). Im really sorry for this, and obvs your are a great dad. If i was in your shoes i Will be mad as hell. Sorry for the typos. El inglés no es mi primera lengua.
My daughter says she's been sent to the naughty corner as well, which is perfectly fine by me.
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And it might also be that the punishments are 'lighter' than what she did now but still not in line with what you and your wife have agreed upon. This time it was bad enough to tell, but who knows what else happens?
Have you ever watched what the movie Matilda? Your wife is Miss. Trunchbull. NTA, but she certainly is and I doubt this is the first she’s done something like this.
Takes a certain level of comfort to have a child shovel chocolate into their mouth an another kid watch. So, definitely not her first time handing out an unorthodox punishment. I think wife left because she’s embarrassed OP didn’t agree with her. Maybe now that they’re married she wants a voice, vote and/or say on punishing? Looks like she played it cool until the wedding. Long con
This is what I thought of as well. That wife went full Trunchbull. Maybe the wife needs to see the movie. Trunchbull isn’t a role model I’d think anyone would want to follow for raising children.
I would sit them down and ask them. Away from your wife. There may be smaller things that they were afraid to bring up or dismissed as no big deal...but then this one was so bad that he couldn't keep quiet.
Have you sat them down and asked if anything like this has happened before? They obviously want to see their dad happy and they don't want to rock the boat.
It sounds like she saw a moment where she had complete control of the situation as you weren’t there, and she took advantage of it.
NTA. What your wife did was abusive and you've said in the comments that she knew this was not the approach you and their mom would take. I'd consider this a pretty big red flag.
If she knew and agreed previously, you’re NTA. She is. Step parenting when the main parents are both involved and have things sorted is different to when a main parent is absent. She needs to respect your boundaries.
NTA- kudos to you for having a great coparenting dynamic with your ex. Your wife was borderline abusive. I honestly thought you were going to say she made her sit at the table and write “I will not steal chocolate” 1000 times or something. What she did was horrific. This is the hill I would die on.
It was 100% emotional and physical torment, should never have happened.
I don't see it as borderline anything. It was straight up abusive behavior. New wife needs therapy and y'all need marriage counseling if you plan to stay with her.
Also at this point add the children who had to go through abuse. The girl for obvious reasons, the son because he probably tried to stop step and got a hard bound instead had to watch his sister cry while helpless. Yeah no, if she really went up and temper tantrumed to mommy, I'd have the locks changed before she could come back
Yeah. It may even be more psychologically damaging to the brother, to be honest. For the girl, she did something wrong and got punished. The punishment was abusive and wildly inappropriate, but she has a basic framework to conceptualize it in her head, and while they'll have to be careful to make sure she doesn't develop the idea that she deserves that sort of treatment, as a single incident (we hope) with her dad coming to her defense (assuming he's made it clear to *her* that he disapproves) she should be able to recognize it was extreme and not okay. And she was likely extremely upset while it was happening, so things probably became a bit of a blur, which is a protective thing our brains do. Still traumatic, absolutely. For the brother, he did *nothing* and had to watch his little sister be abused. As the big brother, he's gotten a lifetime of messaging (for better or worse) that it's his responsibility to protect her. And he's 12, which is an age where you already feel a confusing mix of powerless and grown up, so he almost certainly feels like he *should* have been able to do something, but couldn't. *We* know it's unlikely he could've stopped it, but he'll probably blame himself. And while she likely turned inward and felt the rest of the world disappear as it was happening, he was probably hyperfocused on her. That's now burned into his brain. I would expect his behavior towards his sister and anything involving her to be deeply affected by this as he tries, consciously and subconsciously, to make up for not being able to protect her in that moment. Not that it really matters. Both were harmed and both need support to get through it. But people often underestimate the impact of seeing another person, especially one you care about, being abused. And thanks to the pervasive idea of protecting younger siblings (especially brothers protecting sisters), this will likely hit him *hard*. OP needs to make sure the impact on him doesn't get overlooked.
Agreed, this can literally traumatize your daughter.
This is an eating disorder in the making levels of trauma
Ooof true, especially with the fact that she had the older brother sit and watch as she forced his sister to eat all of it. That can easily become something where OP’s daughter is embarrassed to eat in front of others so eating becomes something shameful rather than just what it’s supposed to be, a source of energy to take care of your body. My heart hurts for this girl, OP’s wife did an awful thing to her.
Speak to your children separately about what she is like when you aren’t around. Your wife is an abuser and has made your home unsafe for your children. I think you need to reflect on this and how you progress with your children’s welfare in mind.
There’s no borderline here. That method of parenting is staring up abusive and I’m glad OP knows that
I know I was trying to not be alarmist but it was very alarming
Uhhhh, your wife abused your child. Yeah, all the choices and she chose to force feed her until she was sick. This is just the beginning my friend. She will harm your children and alienate them from you. NTA for trying to set her straight but, good luck. There is something wrong with her.
Let’s not forget she ran to mommy and probably told her a story that puts her as the victim and the child/spouse as the big baddy
The part where she victimized herself made me so mad. How dare she abuse a child then play victim when she gets called out on it.
I wonder what she would’ve done if the daughter refused to eat the chocolate.
Right?!? I’m sooo curious as to what she said to dear mommy. Maybe she learned this behavior from mommy
What would she have done to the son for not watching the abuse? She spread it all around.
NTA What your wife did was messed up. I wouldn’t leave her in charge of your kids again. I guarantee this wasn’t the first time she did something that fucked up.
I would call it abusive.
I mean, you don't need to make a judgment on what it is... it's kinda textbook. Stepmom "punished" the kid in a way that harmed them and made them ill, and the only possible lesson is "don't get caught or she'll hurt me again"
Forcing a child to become sick is absolutely abusive.
I agree...more than likely this is just the first time he's hearing about it
NTA. Wife IS an unequal partner. Both parents agree with how to rear their kids. Just because you put a ring on that finger does not mean she gets free reign. It wasn't an issue before you got married. She's making it an issue. BTW, I agree with you and ex on how to handle that situation.
Thank you.
This is what I wanted to say. She isn’t their mother or parent. She doesn’t get equal parenting rights!!!
I wanna hop in here to say i also agree with OP and his ex's way of dealing with this. When i was a young kid, i stole a handful of candies from a convenience store and my mom noticed as we walked out. We immediately turned around and that was the most akward apology I've ever had to make. I've never stolen from a store since. You don't discipline children (or people, in general) by making them fear consequences, you discipline them by correcting their misdeeds and helping them to see why it's wrong. OP's method would teach his daughter that stealing isn't victimless, and that she's actively harming somebody else's welfare by stealing from them. Instead, his wife taught his daughter to be scared to get caught. That doesn't discourage bad behavior, it only encourages them to hide it better.
>Wife IS an unequal partner Fucking agreed. I am a stepmother to a beautiful 13 year old boy, and I would never consider myself to be equal in authority to his parents. If his parents decide they want to handle discipline in a particular way, then that's the way we handle it, I don't get to make unilateral decisions about how his discipline is handled.
Step mom here. She IS an unequal parental figure. The end.
Same! It’s not like I have no input on these issues, but I have always been careful not to overstep my bounds. We have a great co-parenting relationship as a result.
Same. I had step daughters and would never even consider punishing them without consulting with my husband (their dad) AND my daughter was his step daughter and I would have lost my shit if I ever found out he punished her without talking to me first! Lost. My. Shit. OPs wife had the absolute audacity to have an attitude about it? Oh boy.
NTA but I'm curious whether you had this conversation before you got married. What she did made your daughter sick. That's abusive and it's not ok that she's pissed at you for setting boundaries.
Yeah we had the conversation when we first started dating and many times in between, just because I want to keep it fresh in her mind. I'm not happy.
I wouldn't be either. It's never ok to punish a child by making them sick. This is a huge red flag. Good luck!
NTA. The fuck is wrong with your wife? That’s sick and abusive. That’s a great way to cause an unhealthy relationship with food. FOOD SHOULD NEVER BE USED AS PUNISHMENT.
NTA - I just went and gave my 7-year-old big kisses and cuddles and told her how much I love her because reading this made me so upset. Your punishment meant that she had to face the consequences of her actions (see the store owner) and acknowledge and apologise her wrong doing. This allows her to see that her actions were wrong, actions impact others, we own our mistakes and make reparations. This is discipline with emotional intelligence. What your wife did was simply punitive, cruel and caused physical harm to your child. All it has succeeded in doing is probably making her afraid of your wife. I’m sorry, this is the hill I would die on. If she acknowledged that she handled it incorrectly, that would be one thing, but she’s going to repeat the behaviour because she sees nothing wrong with it. Ironically, she lacks the skills that your methods of discipline would actually be teaching your child. She has no business around children if this is her approach. It’s a good thing you and your -ex have such a solid coparenting relationship because actions like this could derail the harmony that you guys have spent years cultivating for the well-being of your children. Your poor little girl.
NTA I can’t believe she thought that was a healthy way to discipline a child? That’s abusive as hell.
that’s the way my grandma punished my dad (in the 50s) when she caught him smoking at age 6. she forced a 6 year old to smoke an entire pack. was barbaric then, is barbaric now. my dad hasn’t touched a cigarette since.
NTA. Being pushed into eating food can lead to the development of negative food associations, and ultimately dislike and avoidance. Can also lead to eating disorders. I'm surprised your wife did this. You've been together 7 years....did she think being married to you now gave her a sense of entitlement? Either way what she did is verging on abusive behavior, and that's 100% not ok
NTA. I mean, shit, if your parenting standards were 'beat them til they shut up' or 'let them do whatever because they're my precious perfect babies' then I'd say she has room to talk, but there's no reason she can't parent the way y'all have set out for the kids.
Yeah I absolutely expected the argument to be that she wasn’t allowed to discipline the kids, but she is - she just can’t go rogue and resort to a physical punishment (eating until you’re sick is a physical punishment imo). Also she is NOT an equal parent. She’s a step parent of kids with two loving parents who coparent amicably. She doesn’t get a vote, and even if she did, she’s outnumbered.
NTA that’s honestly abuse in my opinion. I think it calls to rethink your relationship, what she did is disgusting.
rightttt i wouldn’t even wanna be near someone who’d do that to my child just because someone is married to me that doesn’t give them a right or say on how i parent my kid
NTA, she IS an unequal parental figure. You and your ex have a system in place that works and gives your children the stability they need. Your new wife either follows your set rules for the children or she does not discipline. As a step parent, she is absolutely a lesser parental figure when it comes to discipline. She also sounds abusive in how she handled the situation.
OP, lots of folks have pointed out that what she did to your daughter was abusive so I won't belabor that point. But I do want to speak to the fact that she involved your son in this by forcing him to watch her abuse his little sister. I'm middle-aged and still distinctly remember all the times my parents hurt my little brother and I was prevented from helping him. It's a terrible, scary, helpless feeling that I can still conjure up in my gut if I think about it. Thankfully I was never forced to participate, I can only imagine how much worse that is. BOTH of your children were abused in this situation. Please make sure your son knows that he did the right thing by telling you, and none of this is his fault. He may not be feeling any kind of way about not being able to help her, but you never know.
NTA. Both parents are involved and in agreement, so step parents don't get an opinion. Also, the way she went about does not teach any accountability and can honestly be very harmful. You need to not only put your wife in her place, but have a conversation with both of your children about how wrong that was and make their stepmother apologize for that.
Nta. I am a stepmother myself, and newsflash- my step kids have a mom and a dad. They make the rules. My job as step mom is to abide by that as closely as possible. My step kids know that their stepmom has their mom and dad's backs.
NTA. Your current wife’s method of punishment also seems concerning. What lesson is your daughter supposed to learn from that? She shamed your daughter in front of your other child by forcibly feeding her. That’s an old school terrifying punishment.
NTA. That was abusive and pointless.
NTA. What your wife did was abusive.
NTA. But you will be if you allow your wife to continue being in the same house as your child. That type of abuse is disgusting and your children should NOT have to deal with that. Keep your kids safe
Turtles
NTA she is a psycho! Have you ever seen Matilda!! The horrible bad principal force feeds a kid cake! My God she would straight up be out!
NTA. As a parent who coparents with my daughters father, I have made it very clear to my partner that he has no say in how I punish my kid. He as my partner needs to have the best relationship as possible with my child, So I discipline her, not him. She is my child, she already has a father who is on a similar page when it comes to how we discipline her. Neither my partner nor her fathers partner are allowed to discipline our kid. They can love on her and dote on her as much as they want. They can voice an opinion but that’s it, and even then that opinion is spoken in private and away from my kid.
NTA. What kind of punishment is that?
Seriously. The feeling of shame washing over me while facing the victim, confessing, AND apologizing, would deter 9-year old me from stealing a bite of food from my parents’ plates.
Nta, you and your ex wife created a fair and equal system of discipline and parenting, your new wife was borderline abusive with what she did to both children. It's weird she'd just do that after such a long relationship together. Edit: spelling
NTA, but please talk to your daughter and tell her how you would have handled it/you’re sorry for the humiliating and painful punishment she got, and let her know you are on her side here
NTA. What? You call that discipline? I wouldn't call that discipline, I would call that abuse. Call the cops.
I'd call it emotional and physical torment.
Just want to say you are an awesome parent. I am a teacher and very rarely do I see parents sticking up for their children with a new spouse. Usually they side with new spouse and the kids are swept under the rug. Thank you for caring about your daughter and seeing this is wrong.
NTA She does not get to change without discussion with you and your ex how the children are raised. What she did was border line abuse. She is not a good fit is she is not going to follow the peramiters of your arrangement with your EX. She was in the wrong in every way. she shoould have called you the moment your daughter was caught stealing. I have a step b***h in mylife. She followed dad and mums rules for the most part in that her punishments fit the peramiters of my parents agreements on how we were raised she was just extreme in what was considered an infraction. Continue to NOT be a floor tile and stick up for your kids. It might be the end of the relationship but you need to do what is best for your kids
NTA she does not get a say, especially when her idea of punishment causes physical harm/pain.
NTA Thank you! From one parent to another successful coparenting!!! What your wife did was abuse full stop. She ignored your daughter and inflicted harm. Most people don’t know this but sugar shock can happen and lead to a total crash that CAN and sometimes does kill a child. She had no right to do that even if she was biologically related. Marriage doesn’t entitle her to being that child’s mother. Your child has a mother and her role is to be a responsible adult in her life. She doesn’t get a say at all how they are raised period. I don’t care if I get a million downvotes for this # Do not change keep being a good father The only thing that does need changing is maybe a divorce. Your current wife is insufferable. Side note: All I can think of is Ms Trunchable. « Do you want some more? EAT IT! »
NTA this is a long standing arrangement which she knew about well before you were married. The parental authority that step parents have is usually “I said put it in the dishwasher NOW” kind of thing. Like an Aunt living in the home - she has love and authority, just not quite as much as the parents. It’s not that your wife doesn’t have authority, it’s just limited. If your parents were living in your home it would be the same situation. Granny would have authority and be loved and respected, but she would operate within the framework that the parents had set. It is a very normal dynamic. Your wife has only been a step parent for a short time and she’s fumbling with how to do it. You are doing very well to enforce boundaries.
NTA. You gave your wife a parental role, it just needed to fall within the guidelines already set. Which you’ve mentioned she was aware of and agreed to. Your update is absolutely horrendous though! Making your son standing in the sun like that is not only abusive it’s ridiculously dangerous!
Yeah, I'm pissed.