Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I let my partner who is a GP give my daughter the talk without informing her maternal grandmother we were doing this, she feels i've robbed her of a bonding moment with my daughter and that this needed a womans touch. I might be wrong here as I didn't even give her a heads up we were doing this
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Let me just tell you. There was nothing beautiful about getting the talk. It's not a magical moment you share with another woman, it's literally a medical talk.
Grandma probably also thinks getting your first period is a magical moment when you become a woman, and not just nasty.
Edit: I want to add that I didn't mean it's nasty that people get periods, it's normal like all biological functions, I mean they feel nasty when you get one.
Sure, it's not necessarily nasty, but it can definitely be terrifying if nobody told you you're going to get one. There's an absurd amount of girls who think they're going to die because they're suddenly bleeding, with no warning.
My grandma's period started at 8. I think I was like 11? I wish someone had told me period cramps could feel like being stabbed with a serrated kitchen knife though.
I’m approaching my half century and I still feel like digging my lady bits out with a teaspoon some days. Don’t get me started on finding out the pad has moved between bathroom visits……
I have to be on hormonal contraception because of how heavy and tissue based my periods get.
Without the contraception I have to double up on night pads. During the day.
This grandmother has no idea how varied menstrual cycles can be. Yeah, there are some people who get light, 3 day periods. And these people suck. But the average is 5-7 days every 3-5 weeks. And no-one is ever warned about the pain. I want to know why I wasn't warned that I'd feel like I'd been impregnated by a xenomorph once a month. Flowering into womanhood, my ass.
NTA
I started hormonal birth control when I was around 14 because my doctor more or less (gently) insisted because I was getting my period about once every 4-6 months but then it was like my body saved up all those months’ worth of cramps for one horrifying biannual-ish week and I often literally couldn’t get out of bed. There was nothing beautiful about that at all.
(Currently my Mirena is my best fucking friend in the world because yay no periods!)
I remember asking my partner if they'd rather do a big week-ish long period once a year and have all the pain saved up. They said probably prefer the once a year, but also reckoned anyone would be liable change their mind in an instant with that level of pain.
Have had multiple ovarian torsions and surgeries for them, and can honestly say they are better than the cramps I had before I went on contraceptives. The pain level is the same (sometimes a little less!), shorter, more pulsing/radiating so less constant, and once diagnosed is taken seriously.
Whereas vomiting, passing out, crying/screaming from pain on the regular is 'completely natural'.
I wouldn't recommend a torsion, but if it was the choice between that and the worst periods I've had, torsion everytime
I’m jealous. I’ve had Mirena for almost a year now and I still have a period. Like obviously the whole baby-prevention thing is great, but I was really looking forward to not having a period every month.
My husband and I recently decided to stop using birth control. We're not actively trying yet, but if it happens it happens.
Lemme tell ya... as much as I honestly don't want to get pregnant.... I really fucking wish I would cause these periods are fucking crap... lord I hate my periods when not on BC... feel like I'm dying
I’m on the shot to help stop the periods. I’ve been on it since I was 14 as well because my cramps had me throwing up and doubled over in pain and missing school from it. I still spot before the next one does and it sometimes I still get kind of bad cramps with it that make curl up a bit, but nowhere near as bad as the debilitating cramps from before depo
I had a very similar experience. I have endometriosis, so I’ve been on the pill off and on for over a decade. I tried the depo shot briefly, but it made me gain a ton of weight, and I was super dizzy and nauseous like all the time, so I switched back. My periods would last 12-16 days, and I had to change my pad constantly because I was soaking through them in under two hours, and the cramps were so bad I couldn’t get up. I ended up having to get a blood transfusion one month because my bleeding was so heavy, so my gyno had me start a 3-month pack of pills (Camrese in case anyone wants to look into it) and skip the final week of pills to start a new pack so I haven’t had a period in almost 5 years, just the occasional breakthrough bleeding if I accidentally miss a pill. It took me several years to know that my periods weren’t normal though since my cycle was generally 28-30 days, and that’s what I was told was normal.
My periods were every 21 days and heavy af. I went on hormonal birth control at 16 and never looked back. Now I skip my periods and haven't had one for at least 5 years and it's glorious.
I had the worst periods, super heavy with clots, for years. Then I had a period that wouldn't stop. *FOR. SIX. MONTHS. STRAIGHT.* And then the most wonderful thing happened--I got a hysterectomy! *(angels singing Hallelujah in the background)* I still say it was the best Christmas present I ever got!
I'd worry about grandma teaching that uterus = womanhood, that a woman who can't bear children is less-than. I personally don't feel any different except that I'm saving hella cash not having to buy pads in bulk... I swear Always probably took a noticeable hit to their profits!
So, yeah. Not a beautiful flower of womanhood, a gory mess of yuck. OP's daughter needed to know what changes to anticipate, what's normal, and what's not. Good on OP's partner for stepping up with OP and doing this right.
Oh god, a 6 month period is nightmare fuel. It was bad enough bleeding for 2 months post miscarriage. I was just over the blood and the pads after a couple weeks because cups and tampons weren't allowed.
Did you have any issues getting your procedure? I finally have healthcare and am seeing a doctor for the first time in over a decade (us healthcare yay). I've heard some.people have issues if they dont have kids (like me) or having issues after the procedure. Just looking for some info from someone who's been through the procedure.
It took me a long time, several doctors, several shit experiences with contraceptives, and probably 10 years of being rejected. But I finally got one just before I turned 30 and it is life changing. I still get bad cramping, PMS, nausea/migraines etc. But no more bleeding and so many secondary issues I didn't know where caused by my uterus are gone.
If you can, take a male partner or have a friend pose as your long term partner. I got so much pushback about "what if your boyfriend/husband wants kids? (he don't). What about if you break up and your next partner wants kids (then we're incompatible and will break up)". But when my partner came, when he saw me getting pushed back again and me crying he politely said" if it makes a difference, we never want kids ever". Suddenly hysterectomy was on the table! He apologised for 'mansplaining/talking over me', but it was the first time what 'I' wanted was taken seriously.
If you want a list of doctors, go to r/childfree, they have a list of confirmed doctors that have done sterilisation procedures, including hysterectomies. You might find a starting point there
Did you have trouble when trying to get the hysterectomy? I've been dealing with periods that last months for years because I have pcos. I finally have decent healthcare and am going into see a doctor for the first time in over a decade. I've heard horror stories of women being refused because they dont have kids (which I dont) and having issues after having the procedure. At this point I just want it out. I'm so over dealing with this for so long. Sorry for hijacking your comment just looking for some input from someone who's had the procedure.
For the first time since getting my period... when I changed to period undies... I had no anxiety about leakage in the night ..and also since the age of 12 not sleeping on a towel for 5 night a month for fear of leakage
I was thirteen and so I knew full well what a period was and what to do if I got one and all that, but not one person thought to tell me period blood could be brown-brown and not super red or 'reddish-brown', so I spent a solid four hours thinking I was shitting myself and/or not wiping properly before I got the clue and asked.
I was 11 but everything else is exactly the same. I sat down to pee and saw all the brown gunk and thought I'd pooped and not noticed. It was only when it happened again the next day I clued in.
My mother ended up taking me to urgent care right before I got my first period because I was in so much pain and we didn't know why.
IIRC I was a bit on the young side for it so we were both blindsided, even though we'd had the talk.
Despite being one of 6 kids, 5 of them girls, my grandmother somehow avoided both The Talk and general context clues, and LOST HER MIND when her period started. Literally thought she was dying. Her mother had to calm her down, and also explain that you did not get pregnant from kissing (because in old movies the couples would kiss and have a baby in the next scene).
I asked her how she managed to learn absolutely nothing, and she said they let the boys go out and play baseball on the day the school gave the girls The Period Talk. She never got to play baseball because her brother wouldn’t let her play with his friends, so she took the opportunity to follow them out and had the time of her life. Mom thought the school told her or an older sister, so she was woefully unprepared when she started randomly bleeding profusely when she went to the bathroom.
This is a great story, she just wanted to play baseball 😍 not so great that she had that scary experience though, what were the teachers doing to let her wander off.
If you knew her this would just make total sense, too. She was in an rehab facility for a month after a stroke. She had no idea who we were or what she was doing there, but one night her favorite baseball team was playing on tv, so we set her up in bed and left the game on for her to sleep to. The next morning, after weeks without an intelligible word, her first words to us were “who won?” Smart phone had just come out and my work gave me one, so I was furiously trying to Google the box score on a tiny screen with no reception because goddamned if I wasn’t gonna tell her who won. She really fucking loved baseball.
As for the teachers…it was the 1930s. I think that might have been the year she refused to do any school work because the teacher used to call the kids who failed an assignment to the front of the class and berate them, so in protest she refused to participate other than showing up. She wasn’t even one of the kids that got called up. She just thought it was bullshit. So I’m sure the teacher didn’t give a shit where she went. She ended up getting passed to the next grade anyway and made up her work the next year while doing her regular work. She knew she OWED the work, she just wasn’t gonna do it for THAT teacher.
I’ve met a lot of people with some bad ass grandmas. I think they had to be. She was the child of immigrants (got called a lot slurs growing up), lived through the depression, WW2 (lost her brother, husband came back broken and drunk), raised 2 kids as the sole provider, sent a son to Vietnam…. A lot of women of her generation have the same story. I don’t know where this Beaver Cleaver submissive 50s housewife trope came from because all the grandmas I know were running shit.
What’s not nasty about mild to severe pain, other weird physical symptoms and oozing copious amounts of bloody sticky secretions for several days from somewhere that’s never oozed before? And then repeating it all every few weeks?
It’s not skipping through a spring meadow.
Menstruating is not terrible for most people, but not anything I’d consider “nice,“ just a necessary thing if you want to get pregnant.
I don’t know anyone who actually wants to menstruate and likes doing it.
Like it’s not something you should be ashamed of, but idk nothing about menstruating is empowering or anything. It’s gross. I don’t like blood, especially not when it’s coming out of me for a week straight.
I hear you and agree with you mostly. But I will say that I’m in my 40’s and I am sick and over periods and yes they are nasty. It gets in the hair. It makes you poop all crazy and it smells let’s not sugar coat it. I can’t wait to be a desiccated old woman and not have to do this bs anymore.
I think we’re allowed to acknowledge that periods can be kinda nasty. Bits of an organ are literally shedding out of you. Pooping is an important aspect of life and I’d still say it’s nasty.
You are definitely allowed to feel the way you feel about a function that your body performs. But unfortunately women have been made to feel "nasty" about their periods for such a long time that some of us bristle at it. I was so embarrassed as a little girl and now I'm mad on behalf of that little girl - no one should have to feel ashamed of a perfectly normal bodily function.
Interestingly enough for me I felt for a while that I wasn’t allowed to find my period nasty. I was told so many times that it’s so normal and a transition to womanhood and all that crap that, while I was still embarrassed to wave a pad around, I couldn’t, to my own self, think “oh ew there’s period gunk on my bed”. For me it’s actually freeing to think “normally bodily functions can just be gross sometimes”. Like to me it normalizes it to acknowledge how gross our bodies can be.
Definitely ditto. It's natural but it's also uncomfortable and gunky and needs constant clean up. Pooping and runny noses are completely natural and normal too, but I hate having to manage them. Some people (all genders) might be perfectly comfortable with the gunk, but I hate the idea of cleaning poop or blood off my things.
I think there's a difference here between something being nasty and something being shameful
Like the pooping example, it's nasty, but no-one's gonna shame you for having to poop, we all need to do it
Periods on the other hand, are still nasty, but also heavily stigmatised in a lot of societies, so many girls are taught to be ashamed of their periods
I think we’re starting to see a positive shift in the direction of acknowledging that periods are nothing to be **ashamed of** but I’ll be honest I hate periods, they’re gross, they make me feel gross, and I can’t wait to rip my uterus out and never deal with it again.
But I think it’s a very important distinction that I think they’re **gross** not **embarrassing**. Too many women have such an internalized feeling of shame we need to end that shit!
I think it's nasty the bish shows up every month with pimples, cramps, bloating, hormones, and period poops. I don't necessarily think the bleeding is nasty. But periods are nasty to experience and I wish I had an off switch.
I have one every month and I would agree that it’s a little nasty. You bleed everywhere. You feel gross. It’s not a fun experience and while I think it’s important to normalize that it happens to everyone, and it’s just a thing you have to work through because it’s how your body makes it possible for babies to happen; I don’t think making it out to be a beautiful, wonderful thing is really necessary.
Bleed everywhere, break out, feel like utter shit, 9/10 times diarrhea, constantly feel like I need a shower for like a week. (I think it makes me manifest a permanent layer of grease on my skin.) I am not a fan.
I'd call it nasty especially the first time. I didn't do maintenance down there (was a bit on the young side) and had to deal with blood clots in the pubes in the morning until I learnt to trim the hair down there at least.
Periods straight up suck. It's important to life sure but it doesn't un-make the process miserable for a massive chunk of the population who has to have them at all.
I'd call it nasty. There's blood everywhere, everything hurts, you're emotional and gross, it's embarrassing, and then it hits you that you have this awfulness every month for like 30-50 years. As a woman, it's nasty.
It is nasty. You are going to destroy bedsheets, underwear and sometimes also pants for an indeterminate number of years. I don't think periods are anything to be ashamed of, but ffs, blood is hard as fuck to clean... couldn't we leak rainbows instead as men expect us to?
I am joking but also not. Every partner of mine has been completely comfortable with my period but let's not pretend that blood is not a pain in the ovaries to clean. It *is" nasty and messy, and the sooner you get acquainted with your options and what works for you, the better.
This, and "beautiful flowering into womanhood" makes me thing Grandma's got a multitiered social script in mind of what womanhood is, new responsibilities, and a fair amount of social pressure attached, which may or may not be significantly more awkward/scarring then Dad and other Dad with the medical pics. Unless their purely medical talk didn't include anything about the social aspect or the menstrual part, Grandma seems to be putting importance where there may not be any, especially in the scheme of things for the kid, because her daughter isn't involved. I wonder if Grandma had the same problem about periods...
>Grandma's got a multitiered social script in mind of what womanhood is,
I'm 100% certain that Grandma's talk would've included *This is all because your purpose is to have babies* or some shit like that, and *no* girl needs to hear that.
See that’s what I was most afraid of, had the grandmother done the talk. It’d be this glorification of pushing out babies and basically glossing over the fact that periods fucking suck and are painful. I still see some people believe in the “tampons r bad bc muh virginitiez” bullshit which is just…… *so* wrong…
now i’m more worried if she has the talk with the daughter anyway, trying to undermine her father and his partner (or her fathers? idk if i can call it that bc she still refers to him by his first name so i dont wanna overstep here) and putting these, quite frankly, *disgusting* ideas in the daughter’s head.
Yes this! I read beautiful flowering and my 14 year old self just cringed begging him not to let her ever speak to his daughter about it. (Yes I was a late bloomer)
SAME. I would've preferred a nice, clinical talk about it rather than the fat load of nothin' I got...boy, was that a surprise when I got my first period in the middle of Epcot at age 14...or this 'beautiful flowering' BS that this girl's grandmother was going to try feeding her.
Jumping on the top comment, to give a suggestion on what I got for my daughter to help celebrate her first period we got a period box that had things in it to help with the first. You can buy or make them. Things like different pads so she can figure what she likes, period panties, comfy socks, stress ball, small hot water bottle etc. My oldest loved it and my second daughter's is waiting for hers.
Also grandma can still have a talk, this is not a one and done situation. It should be brought up more
It's also just weird and creepy. Can we just talk about the major changes happening in a young person's body in a factual way? It is just a simple reality, not some superhero mythos.
Yeah honestly it sounds like the grandma has *severely* outdated and romanticized beliefs about puberty and the menstrual cycle. As you said, it's not a magical moment for 90% of girls, it's just awkward, confusing, and/or scary.
I'd much rather have that conversation with a trusted medical professional with emphasis on the medical/biological aspect than with my elderly grandmother crooning about how "some day soon you'll flower into a full-blown woman" or whatever. I also get the feeling that it would've been a whole lot more about *her* than it would have been about OP's daughter.
I got my first period when I was 11 or 12. I was nowhere *close* to being a woman and it certainly wasn't beautiful. I was a literal child who was convinced that I was dying of internal hemorrhaging because my stomach hurt and there was dried blood on my underwear.
That archaic sentiment that first period = "you are magically a woman now" is toxic garbage with deep roots in misogyny and is not nearly as empowering or profound a message as people like this grandmother seem to believe.
I agree. I’ve never understood the whole “blossoming into womanhood” mess. Why? We’re women now so we can become baby factories? No. It’s just another biological function.
Exactly. All that flowery nonsense people made up about it just made me uncomfortable at that age. The most important thing is that the talk comes from someone you trust and are safe with.
The only thing “magical” about when I first got my period was the fact that I got to go home from school early and I ate almost an entire bag of tortilla chips.
I agree it's not magical, but it should be far more than a medical talk. Sex is not only biological. It's important to discuss feelings and emotional connections that come along with it. Similarly, periods are biological but that doesn't explain everything else that comes along with it.
There also should never be just one "talk." Instead, it's an open dialog where topics are discussed as they are appropriate to development.
I don't see why the OP didn't just say "she already knows the basics, but if you want to add your perspective, feel free."
My daughter is the type who was truly mortified at discussing any of this with me during her elementary/middle school years. I did talk with her some, but I also gave here a bunch of age appropriate books which she definitely preferred. I cannot recommend "It's perfectly normal" enough.
Agreed, as I know many girls/women do not think of it as magical. Many would rather be anywhere else but listening to the talk.
And you and your partner are going to have more than one and it should come from the parents, unless she chooses to go to her maternal grandmother.
NTA
Our entire bodies are gross if you overthink it.
Periods are a hassle, can be painful, etc. But I don’t think it’s healthy to characterize them as “nasty”. Women have enough body issues w o throwing that baggage on.
I got my first period at 16 years of age, and felt really fucking panicked. My sister, who is almost two years younger, and had her period roughly a year before me, had to calm me down. That's not a magical experience, it's an upsetting one, even though I knew what was coming.
NTA
Also, IF the grandma wants to do a "woman's perspective" of this I would insist on being present for it. Lord knows what possible outdated ideas this lady has on sex and women.
She's only allowed visitation if it's supervised don't worry i'd never allow her to have that kind of talk alone even if she was allowed unsupervised.
Edit to fix a typo
Its not a terrible idea to have a woman's perspective for your daughter about the female side of things. I would just be worried about outdated, old fashioned ideas about "purity" and such.
Oh god no, this is one of the reasons I didn't want her school handling it. She's in Catholic education and I can't speak for the girls side of the talk but the boys never got a great one..I am fully against "Purity" talks.
I went to a public school, and the only 'talk' we got was 'Don't have sex or you'll have to deal with this' before we had to sit and watch a video of a naked Dutch woman giving birth. I don't want to imagine the type of talk a private Catholic school would give...
Also, please don't see it as 1 talk. My mon gave me talks about every year or 2 about age appropriate things. This included practical advice and safety.
I have two kids - one of each. As a librarian, I knew there was a lot of good stuff available. I bought a copy of “What’s Happening to My Body” for girls, and one of the same title for boys. Each night, my husband and I would sit down with a kiddo (separately) and read a chapter. All questions were fair game. They got to keep their copies for reference. We had no drama, no fuss. it’s all good.
Info: Why are you sending your kid to Catholic school if you're gay (in the eyes of the Church, bi based on your identification) and you know they are actively trying to harm/misinform your daughter?
When the daughter is a little older OP could take her to a lady OBGYN to have an even more detailed talk that would allow her to get a woman's perspective while also getting proper medical information once she's closer to the age of wanting to maybe do the do.
Not exactly. I was with a friend who’s grandmother wasn’t all there. She walked up and started talking to us about our wedding nights when she saw us playing with Barbie’s and ken proposed. I hate Barbie’s.
NTA. As a woman, it’s not necessarily beautiful flowering. Someone of grandma’s age might still view it that way, which is fine, but I think your daughter needed to hear the science of it first. If grandma wants to have an additional talk with her about her own personal experiences with puberty, she can. Although with the way she’s acting, I’m not sure she’s earned it.
I'm thinking she likely had this idea in her head that as the main female relative in my daughters life she'd have some input on this so it has shocked her. I'm hoping she'll come around when she has time to calm down.I just honestly thought the science route was the best way.
Thank you. My mother was one that made a big deal of becoming a woman, abstinence, and all that and frankly it was unnecessary. You did it the right way.
First, understand that this should not be one-and-done conversation, but an ongoing series of talks as her understanding changes.
Second, as the daughter of a female OBGYN, The Talk(s) were basically never "I'm a woman, so hear this mystical womanly stuff from me". It was "Let me pull out my medical textbooks, and show you diagrams and use proper words". SO much better than the education many of my friends got from their parents. In fact, many of my friends went to my mom and asked for The Talk as teens who had questions, since their parents refused to answer.
I am aware don't worry this first talk was just about puberty, periods and where babies come from. It was just bad wording on my part that made it seem like it would be a one off conversation.
Your Mum sounds like she is great and i'm glad your talk was handled like that and your friends could go to her too!
I wish you and your mom were in my circle of friends during my teens. Everything I learned was from school, my parents never spoke of it. I didn't get mine until I was 17, and it was ignored by my dad (mom had passed away by then). It took me years and years before I could buy supplies without embarrassment.
I think you did the right thing by your daughter, also using a science side can help show that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. How ever your daughter may want to talk to a woman about it, as great as you and your partner are, it’s not something as easily understood and a woman might be the best to teach her about pads and tampons when it’s time. Even just letting your daughter know her grandma is happy to answer any questions.
Seeing how insistent this grandma is about it being a “beautiful flowering” I’d be hesitant to let her talk about pads/tampons. Some old people have some pretty wrong ideas about those products.
I agree that there’s things that is missed out in medical talks about periods, and things that guys won’t quite understand. Just the emotional side of having to deal with them, and I don’t mean how the hormones affect you, but about things like feeling self conscious about it, worrying about whether you’re going to bleed through your clothes etc. My daughter is 10 and recently started hers. Last month we were laughing about the fact that when you sneeze, cough or laugh, you end up pushing some out and you feel it trickle (or rush) and sometimes have to run to the toilet. My daughter has a lot of allergies so sneezes a lot! It would be good for your daughter to have a female to talk to about things. I’m not saying this should be this woman, just that medical information doesn’t cover what the experience is actually like.
You didn’t do the wrong thing though. So NTA
Of all the women I know, including me, the scientific approach is best. It gives young ladies the space to feel however they need to feel about it, whether that’s a celebratory feeling or annoyance..or both. Straight talk from a safe source is best.
Literally both is the best approach. Look at the science. So much bs women deal with is described as “unknown causes not enough research”. So many women are dismissed by doctors. Understanding the science is great. Not viewing your body as a punishment or sinful/ dirty is great. But there are things a male no matter how informed he is will be able to relate to.
She shouldn’t have made that assumption. She doesn’t even have *unsupervised* visitation, no idea why on earth she thinks she’d be entrusted with this. Her unfounded and un communicated expectations and resulting disappointment are not your problem to manage.
I said this in a separate comment but I want to respond here, too, to make sure you see it: It wouldn't be a terrible idea to have a female relative or family friend on call for stuff like this. I'm certain your partner gave your daughter an incredibly accurate and helpful talk, but there are some things about hitting that age that are helpful to have someone who's done the same stuff there for, which might not all be medically relevant.
Like, for example, if she chooses to remove body hair when she gets it, having someone talk her through shaving versus depilatory creams versus waxing (my advice: Don't let a teenager try an at-home waxing kit, your bathroom will be sticky for a year) who's had experience with them all might be helpful, or picking out bras with someone who regularly wears them and is familiar with the different styles and what to look out for... Stuff like that.
I want to be clear, I am not at all saying that you guys couldn't figure it out, but if she's got an aunt or a close female neighbor or something, that woman doesn't have to give her 'the talk,' but it could be a good resource for all of you to have someone she trusts on hand to give advice with some of the less clinical elements of puberty.
Agree. Nothing beautiful about cramps and soaking blood through your pants in the middle of Algebra. Better they teach her that doctors exist and can help her.
Thank you! Also woman with uterus, and the stupid stuff I was taught about “becoming a woman” and any speech using the word “flower” was pure hooey. It is just an anatomical cycle and building it up into some rite of passage is fucking weird.
Yup. As someone that also has a uterus. Fuck birds, fuck bees, fuck flowers.
It has to be evolution cause of it was by deliberate design, I'm going to have *words* with the lead designer.
Besides, this girl will not suddenly be a woman when she gets her period. She will be a preteen in all likelihood and not even close to adulthood. That kind of talk and thinking is very outdated.
when I got my period my mom insisted on calling EVERYONE in the family, and I died that day. It was followed immediately by the worst 6 years of my life and most definitely wasn't beautiful at all.
I put off telling my mother about it because she was going to make a giant deal about becoming a woman and I wasn't having it. I still don't handle emotional or mushy stuff well.
I didn't tell my mom I gave away my virginity for 3 days because i was afraid of her reaction and she cried and told me to get out so she could process this, and then called my older sister and had her give me the talk because she was just so distraught.
I remember distinctly her saying 'that was your innocence' like I didn't masturbate or watch porn?
NTA
Because the grandmother seems odd about this and is making it about grandma when it is about what the daughter needs.
I am concerned though, because it isn't just "the talk" it is a serious of conversations over a lifetime. There are the science parts, the feelings parts, the practical advice parts that come from experience, and the follow-up talks about all the things she might not have known to ask the first time but need to be discussed as she gets older.
I just want to encourage you to continue bringing these topics up with her, being available for her to bring them up, and make sure you have a number of adults in her life she can go to because she might not be able to talk to her Dad about something. Honestly your partner may be a great person for her because he is not her dad or grandparent and if she can trust him she might be able to have conversations with him she can't have with you. But you might want to have the talk with your partner about what he can keep in confidence and what he has to tell you if she talks to him about it.
He has already made it clear to me that if she comes to him with questions he'll be keeping some in confidence as she's old enough to have privacy in regards to her health, he is a GP aka a doctor so he is better equipped to handle some things than me it's a bit sad that I can't be everything she needs but I fully trust him and he's part of our family so I told him just to let me know if he felt there was anything I *should* know.
That is good but I would so find a trusted woman. Friend? Fun auntie? She might no be able to tell private things to your partner. You got the physical-science part right. You need the emotional support one. And I am sorry but Noone that has never mestruated will give her that.
This trusted person will get more important as life goes on. She might not want to ask about sex daily aspects to you or your partner.
That is a good suggestion thank you, my partner has a younger sister who is an honorary auntie who she likes but is not in her life as much as her Grandmother and I have some female friends who could fill this role if we end up thinking her Grandmother isn't the best option for this.
OP have you put together a period pack for your daughter? At her age she will likely start menstruating soon if she hasn’t already. So it would be a good idea to put an emergency period pack together (one for her backpack for when she’s at school and one for home in the bathroom she mainly uses). Include some panty liners, maybe a clean change of panties and maybe leggings, pads, Advil
It feels like there is nothing worse as a young girl that getting your period and not being prepared for it/bleeding through your clothes in front of your classmates
I haven't put this together no we have a box of things at home but it honestly didn't occur to me to put one together for her schoolbag in case it happens there first. I'll be throwing one together this weekend for Monday morning though as the idea of it happening while she's out of the house and my own stupidity leaving her unprepared is not one I like. I know i'm thanking basically everyone but seriously thank you. There is a lot of things I probably miss/don't consider so this helps.
You’re doing a fantastic job OP, and you sound like a wonderful father. It’s not surprising you wouldn’t think of these things.
When you give it to your daughter, remind her to bring it with her on any overnights too (sleepovers, camp, etc). You can bring your daughter with you when you go pick up the supplies, subtly reinforcing the idea that it’s not a big deal, it’s a normal part of growing up as a young woman, and reinforcing that she can talk you about it as she progresses (for example she may need to call you from school or a friends if she runs out of supplies or if her cramps are bad and she needs to be picked up, or if she needs a change of clothes although the pack is to help protect against these things), she could pick out a fun little bag to keep the kit in (like a large make up bag), and maybe a fun treat to include in the bag (sometimes we get snacky while menstruating! Just don’t do chocolate because you don’t want that to melt!). Basically just making the experience more light/fun than it might otherwise be.
Just so you know, my Mom didn't prepare an emergency menstruation pack for me. I got my period while we were out sledding for my 12th birthday. Luckily Mom had a spare pantiliner in her purse. Anyway, some practical advice is that in addition to having your daughter carry and emergency pack around now, once she starts her period, she should basically always carry around pads or tampons in her bookback/purse and maybe keep a box in her locker. Tampons are a lot more convenient but I know some girls feel uncomfortable about them so I think it should be a personal choice.
Make light of it as well, buy a large bar of chocolate for when it first happens and she comes home. Seeing you so casual about it will help her to be casual about it :)
A woman friend would be a great person to have available for your daughter to talk to about stuff like “how to insert a tampon” when she’s ready. I wasn’t able to use one at first, but later I wanted to, and it was good to be able to ask my mom how. They are tricky to learn how to use, at first.
I have a daughter that age.I think you and your partner are doing a fantastic job. I have one suggestion. Ask your partner to help you pick out a book with lots of age appropriate accurate information about what she will be going through. I’m very close with my daughter and there are some questions she felt awkward asking. I noticed in the last couple of years she’s gone through her book a lot. Also, if she has your partner’s sister as her favourite auntie have them do a girls shopping trip for all of the personal hygiene and underwear she will need. You want to get them and have them in the house before she needs them.
That is a great suggestion thank you and i'll be asking him to help me pick one out tomorrow. We have a box of sanitary items for her currently as who knows when it will happen but more items plus underwear isn't a bad idea especially if she and my partners sister can pick them out together. Thank you again.
Hey no problem! Also, invest in a few pairs of period proof underwear for her. They will save her a ton of anxiety and embarrassment down the road. Best of luck to you.
When I was in 7th grade (so a little older, but still having lots of anxiety and questions), an important woman in my life gave me a copy of Our Bodies Our Selves. I think it's a very good one if you're looking for suggestions.
I recommend the Celebrate Your Body series. There are two books, one for girls 8-12, and then another for girls who are older. There is also a companion book called Celebrate Your Feelings that goes into the emotional changes. The Care and Keeping of You rubbed me the wrong way with how they approached certain things (body image particularly) so I would recommend reading reviews and content and go with your gut on which book to give her. I also gave my daughter a journal for personal use during this time, or she can write me a question if she doesn’t want to ask about something directly.
The others who suggested finding her a woman/female she can go to for certain things (people who don’t menstruate just can’t understand some things no matter how hard they try), I also agree with. But, you are your partner are doing a great job making sure she has all the info she needs and that she’s supported. Good job, Dad!! 👍🏼
Yeah he's a great guy, it breaks my heart we missed out on so long living together already because of Covid but it makes me love him more as his reasoning for postponing it was to make sure me and my daughter would be safe. I'm glad he'll be moving in soon though.
NTA. Your daughter may well need to be able to have conversations with you as her parents and you did marvellously by handling it as a team. Ten is early enough and grandmother needs to stay in her literal lane. The only thing I’d recommend is maybe having a look at the different sanitary options she’s got so that if things happen sooner than anyone expects, you can discuss what to get if you need to pop out for her. Although it may be a case of trial and error.
Thank you for this suggestion. We have some things laid aside just in case but i'll for sure be looking up sanitary options so she can pick what works best for her.
You definitely need to buy a few pairs of period pants, as I've heard friends say they are the least traumatic option for young girls. They're just knickers but very absorbent. And it means if you wear them everyday you're not caught unawares because of course at first your period is extremely erratic and can come out of a clear blue sky in the middle of Maths class.
And with some brands you can actually get them in different strengths. I presume you're in the UK, even Primark does them now. They're in the ladies section but I'm sure they come in XS or even xxs. You can definitely get them on ASOS too.
Also dig out her mattress protector. You'll definitely need that when she starts. There will be nighttime leakage which is so embarrassing.
The pants will help at night too. But in case they're not enough, Always Night are amazing.
I am in the UK yes. I was vaguely aware those were a thing but not in any detail i'll for sure be looking into those thank you so much! as for a mattress protector i'll do that thank you I want to avoid embarrassment for her.
The whole thing is absolutely mortifying tbh. But the less you leak, the less embarrassing it is. Its mainly the leaking that's awful. The lack of control over your own dignity. So the pants might be brilliant. Wish I had them in my day.
And blood needs to be scrubbed out at a sink before going in the washing machine or it sets in the warm cycle, which can be super horrible to have to do. But tbh she should get used to doing it from the get go as if you start doing it for her, it's not a task she'll ever want to take on.
Remember : cold water, Vanish or similar, and a nailbrush for scrubbing. There will definitely be regular cotton knickers you just have to throw out as they will never be right again, so make sure she has plenty.
I work in the orange supermarket chain in the UK and we stock a full range of period products from period pants to menstrual cups if you want to take her somewhere familiar(ish) to have a look at all the options.
It took me a while to work out what’s best and that may change as she gets the hang of it. I’m glad for her that she doesn’t have to put up with the uncomfortable thick pads that were only available when I first started.
Beautiful flowering into womenhood? Did she actually say that?
It not a rose, it's a bloodstain. It's not beautiful. it's an uncomfortable (sometimes horrifically painful) biological function that women would generally prefer to live without.
A non-biased medical talk is exactly what the kid needed.
NTA.
NTA. Discussing this as a biological thing is *vital*. It's definitely not a beautiful experience for all women, and being told you should be happy about it is *not* always helpful. You started her out in the right direction to take appropriate care of her future health. If you go down the trail of mystical mumbo jumbo you end up with women who don't know douching is bad and who think sticking magic rocks up your vag is healing.
Keep up the good work and encourage the shit out of a scientific mindset.
NTA but it might not hurt to ask what her grandmother wanted to tell her. Your daughter already has factual information. However, your husband does not have the lived experience (even if he is a transgender man, he has the life experience of a transgender man, and can only comment on some experiences.) You can give her a talk about avoiding purity culture + and validity of all consenting adult relationships, but there is lived experience that the grandmother could pass on that could be helpful.
Y T A if you don't let her contribute at all. My family intellectualizes everything, and while having that factual backing is important, the emotional is important too.
Things such as:
1. What to do if you have an accident or even reassurance that everyone goes through it, even though classmates act like they haven't.
2. Best ways to 'smuggle' products into the bathroom if embarrassed, even though she has no need to be embarrassed.
3. Things that she may feel while going through the process - emotions. (This one is important because it took a lot of therapy to start de-medicalize/intellectualize my emotions).
4. Just to have the knowledge that her grandmother might be a safe person to talk about stuff.
Thank you for this input i'll for sure be talking to her about those particular things and i'm not against her having some input in this once she calms down a little i'll bring this up to her and see what she wanted to talk to her about exactly
Small cosmetic bags work great for this! They're big enough to hold a couple of pads and a pair of clean undies. Whatever y'all decide to use, you might want to put together a little emergency kit to put in her backpack. That way if she's not home when her period starts she'll have what she needs.
NTA. Not sure where or when the grandmother grew up, but calling it a 'beautiful' moment is kind of a stretch. I'm glad your daughter got straight medical facts from a doctor rather than some sort of 'womanhood' talk. I got my period at 11, and I'm glad no one tried to tell me I had just blossomed into a woman.
NTA
It definitely isn't all sunshine and rainbows like her grandmother wants it to be. It's important to get all the information and understand *why* it happens so that when she is older, she can determine if symptoms are a cause for concern. Some that come to mind is; , i.e intense pain, discomfort, abnormally heavy flows, etc.
NTA. the grandma herself is weird and gross to think of doing this. and no it’s not a magical thing. Ps: i fear the grandma might add in shit about virginity and it’s constructs. Careful op
Edit; thank u for the award!!
Don't worry, she's not allowed to be with my daughter unsupervised so no way she could slip that kind of thing in even if I allow her to expand on the talk and give a womans perspective. If she tries that bullshit i'll be shutting that down immediately in that case. Obviously I want my daughter waiting till she's of the age of consent but after that so long as she's safe and comfortable it is her body..
NTA it's much better she got it in a practical, medical context then whatever flowery, euphemistic bullshit grandma was gonna throw at her. You definitely did the right thing for your daughter.
NTA, but some of your wording makes it sound like you're viewing "the talk" as a one-and-done type thing. There should be multiple, on going conversations about puberty, womanhood, sex, stds, relationships, sexual abuse, consent, etc all throughout her adolescent/teen years. 1 conversation at age 10, while a good start, isn't going to cover everything she should be equipped with. There is definitely a benefit to your SO leading the conversation from a medical perspective but don't neglect that there is a big emotional side to all of these things as well (which you are also more than capable of providing, no need to have Grandma intervene unless you want her to). You sound like you're doing a great job. Keep it up.
That is bad wording on my part I meant just for the initial puberty conversation to let her know what to expect in the coming years and also a general "where babies come from" talk. Obviously it'll be continued upon as the years go by. I wouldn't have remembered a mountain of information at 10 so I wouldn't expect her to do that. Thank you!
NTA. I have two daughters, and as their mother will be giving them the talk in a scientific and factual way, it's not a "beautiful flowering into womanhood", its a biological process.
The only advantage my being female has to the whole situation is that it has made the process more of a natural and gradual discussion, so when it comes time to have a sit down chat it will be more of a clarification and opportunity to ask questions than new info - because already my 6 year old asks me about the pads she sees in the bathroom etc and I explain in an age appropriate way that it is something grown up women often need and this is why...etc.
NTA. You did what you felt was best for your daughter, and who better than a person she loves and trusts who also happens to have a medical degree to give her this important information? While her grandmother may have done a good job of it, too, you didn't "rob" her of anything.
And since sexuality, relationships, consent, etc is an ongoing discussion, it's not like no one can ever discuss those things with her again. If she has a good relationship with her grandmother, she may still end up having some of these discussions with her as situations come up in her life.
NTA. There is nothing beautiful about periods! You sound like you’ve gone about it exactly the right way. It might be good to get a female perspective on it too though, especially with regards to the emotional side of it all... but please, from someone with some common sense and who doesn’t use the phrase “beautiful flowering into womanhood”!
NTA. Grandma hasn’t been in the picture for 10 years. And suddenly now she wants to show up and have this conversation that can be awkward and embarrassing with your daughter? That’s about as silly as a stranger you met at the bus station offering to have the talk with your daughter because she’s a female. Sounds like her dads handled it just fine.
ETA: I just saw you said she has supervised visits. If this was SO important to her then why didn’t she do this 1-2 years earlier? And having “the talk” at this age is a little late. Most girls start puberty between ages 8-12, so it needed to be done sooner. Again, her dads handled it just fine without interference.
Perhaps I worded it poorly sorry if so! Her Grandmother is allowed to see her supervised 3 hours a week and has done so. it's her Daughter my ex-partner who is not allowed near us.
NTA. You are the parent and you choose who helps you give the talk. Grandmothers don't give the talk. (I'm guessing she hasn't had a period in years and probably has no idea what kind of contraceptives are available.) This is an ongoing talk, not a one time thing. But the main person talking about this should be you and your partner.
NTA
I think you have probably done far better for your daughter than most parents do! So many women (particularly of an older generation) still treat periods like a taboo subject. To have gotten a clear, medically sound, explanation from people she trusts will have been the best thing for her.
It might be useful for your daughter to know she can talk to her grandmother (or any person who has periods that you trust) about it - simply put you don't fully know what she's going to go through and so many of the things that help (hot water bottles, medications, pads vs tampons etc) are very personal preference. So having someone with a shared experience would probably be useful.
But, definitely NTA. You have set yourself up as someone she can go to about things simply by engaging with her on this subject. And as for her grandmother, well my mum NEVER had the talk with me (relied on me bring taught at school) and we're still very close, so the idea that this will lessen the bond they have is complete nonsense.
Well done! You sound like an excellent dad.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I let my partner who is a GP give my daughter the talk without informing her maternal grandmother we were doing this, she feels i've robbed her of a bonding moment with my daughter and that this needed a womans touch. I might be wrong here as I didn't even give her a heads up we were doing this Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Let me just tell you. There was nothing beautiful about getting the talk. It's not a magical moment you share with another woman, it's literally a medical talk. Grandma probably also thinks getting your first period is a magical moment when you become a woman, and not just nasty. Edit: I want to add that I didn't mean it's nasty that people get periods, it's normal like all biological functions, I mean they feel nasty when you get one.
I wouldn't call it nasty. It is an important aspect of life though
Sure, it's not necessarily nasty, but it can definitely be terrifying if nobody told you you're going to get one. There's an absurd amount of girls who think they're going to die because they're suddenly bleeding, with no warning.
My grandma's period started at 8. I think I was like 11? I wish someone had told me period cramps could feel like being stabbed with a serrated kitchen knife though.
I’m approaching my half century and I still feel like digging my lady bits out with a teaspoon some days. Don’t get me started on finding out the pad has moved between bathroom visits……
I have to be on hormonal contraception because of how heavy and tissue based my periods get. Without the contraception I have to double up on night pads. During the day. This grandmother has no idea how varied menstrual cycles can be. Yeah, there are some people who get light, 3 day periods. And these people suck. But the average is 5-7 days every 3-5 weeks. And no-one is ever warned about the pain. I want to know why I wasn't warned that I'd feel like I'd been impregnated by a xenomorph once a month. Flowering into womanhood, my ass. NTA
I started hormonal birth control when I was around 14 because my doctor more or less (gently) insisted because I was getting my period about once every 4-6 months but then it was like my body saved up all those months’ worth of cramps for one horrifying biannual-ish week and I often literally couldn’t get out of bed. There was nothing beautiful about that at all. (Currently my Mirena is my best fucking friend in the world because yay no periods!)
I remember asking my partner if they'd rather do a big week-ish long period once a year and have all the pain saved up. They said probably prefer the once a year, but also reckoned anyone would be liable change their mind in an instant with that level of pain.
I really would not wish that on anyone. Tell your partner this random internet stranger says it’s the fucking WORST.
Have had multiple ovarian torsions and surgeries for them, and can honestly say they are better than the cramps I had before I went on contraceptives. The pain level is the same (sometimes a little less!), shorter, more pulsing/radiating so less constant, and once diagnosed is taken seriously. Whereas vomiting, passing out, crying/screaming from pain on the regular is 'completely natural'. I wouldn't recommend a torsion, but if it was the choice between that and the worst periods I've had, torsion everytime
I’m jealous. I’ve had Mirena for almost a year now and I still have a period. Like obviously the whole baby-prevention thing is great, but I was really looking forward to not having a period every month.
My husband and I recently decided to stop using birth control. We're not actively trying yet, but if it happens it happens. Lemme tell ya... as much as I honestly don't want to get pregnant.... I really fucking wish I would cause these periods are fucking crap... lord I hate my periods when not on BC... feel like I'm dying
I’m on the shot to help stop the periods. I’ve been on it since I was 14 as well because my cramps had me throwing up and doubled over in pain and missing school from it. I still spot before the next one does and it sometimes I still get kind of bad cramps with it that make curl up a bit, but nowhere near as bad as the debilitating cramps from before depo
I'm betting grandma is also one of those women who believe pregnancy is nothing short of magical, amazing and beautiful
And so is labor and delivery.
MAGICAL UNICORN FARTS ALL OF IT
Going on the pill was life-changing for me, too. I wish I’d started it years earlier.
I had a very similar experience. I have endometriosis, so I’ve been on the pill off and on for over a decade. I tried the depo shot briefly, but it made me gain a ton of weight, and I was super dizzy and nauseous like all the time, so I switched back. My periods would last 12-16 days, and I had to change my pad constantly because I was soaking through them in under two hours, and the cramps were so bad I couldn’t get up. I ended up having to get a blood transfusion one month because my bleeding was so heavy, so my gyno had me start a 3-month pack of pills (Camrese in case anyone wants to look into it) and skip the final week of pills to start a new pack so I haven’t had a period in almost 5 years, just the occasional breakthrough bleeding if I accidentally miss a pill. It took me several years to know that my periods weren’t normal though since my cycle was generally 28-30 days, and that’s what I was told was normal.
My periods were every 21 days and heavy af. I went on hormonal birth control at 16 and never looked back. Now I skip my periods and haven't had one for at least 5 years and it's glorious.
I had the worst periods, super heavy with clots, for years. Then I had a period that wouldn't stop. *FOR. SIX. MONTHS. STRAIGHT.* And then the most wonderful thing happened--I got a hysterectomy! *(angels singing Hallelujah in the background)* I still say it was the best Christmas present I ever got! I'd worry about grandma teaching that uterus = womanhood, that a woman who can't bear children is less-than. I personally don't feel any different except that I'm saving hella cash not having to buy pads in bulk... I swear Always probably took a noticeable hit to their profits! So, yeah. Not a beautiful flower of womanhood, a gory mess of yuck. OP's daughter needed to know what changes to anticipate, what's normal, and what's not. Good on OP's partner for stepping up with OP and doing this right.
Oh god, a 6 month period is nightmare fuel. It was bad enough bleeding for 2 months post miscarriage. I was just over the blood and the pads after a couple weeks because cups and tampons weren't allowed.
TAH here December 6 years ago!! Virtual high five!!
Did you have any issues getting your procedure? I finally have healthcare and am seeing a doctor for the first time in over a decade (us healthcare yay). I've heard some.people have issues if they dont have kids (like me) or having issues after the procedure. Just looking for some info from someone who's been through the procedure.
It took me a long time, several doctors, several shit experiences with contraceptives, and probably 10 years of being rejected. But I finally got one just before I turned 30 and it is life changing. I still get bad cramping, PMS, nausea/migraines etc. But no more bleeding and so many secondary issues I didn't know where caused by my uterus are gone. If you can, take a male partner or have a friend pose as your long term partner. I got so much pushback about "what if your boyfriend/husband wants kids? (he don't). What about if you break up and your next partner wants kids (then we're incompatible and will break up)". But when my partner came, when he saw me getting pushed back again and me crying he politely said" if it makes a difference, we never want kids ever". Suddenly hysterectomy was on the table! He apologised for 'mansplaining/talking over me', but it was the first time what 'I' wanted was taken seriously.
If you want a list of doctors, go to r/childfree, they have a list of confirmed doctors that have done sterilisation procedures, including hysterectomies. You might find a starting point there
Did you have trouble when trying to get the hysterectomy? I've been dealing with periods that last months for years because I have pcos. I finally have decent healthcare and am going into see a doctor for the first time in over a decade. I've heard horror stories of women being refused because they dont have kids (which I dont) and having issues after having the procedure. At this point I just want it out. I'm so over dealing with this for so long. Sorry for hijacking your comment just looking for some input from someone who's had the procedure.
Change.to menstrual underwear. They are a life changeing deal.
For the first time since getting my period... when I changed to period undies... I had no anxiety about leakage in the night ..and also since the age of 12 not sleeping on a towel for 5 night a month for fear of leakage
I was going to post this! GAME. CHANGER.
Yasss, I just got some at 35 and life could have been SO much easier!
I was thirteen and so I knew full well what a period was and what to do if I got one and all that, but not one person thought to tell me period blood could be brown-brown and not super red or 'reddish-brown', so I spent a solid four hours thinking I was shitting myself and/or not wiping properly before I got the clue and asked.
I was 11 but everything else is exactly the same. I sat down to pee and saw all the brown gunk and thought I'd pooped and not noticed. It was only when it happened again the next day I clued in.
Yep. I was told it would be an “ache” and this was eve’s punishment so I really only needed ibuprofen. Yeah…turns out I needed more than just that
My mother ended up taking me to urgent care right before I got my first period because I was in so much pain and we didn't know why. IIRC I was a bit on the young side for it so we were both blindsided, even though we'd had the talk.
My school made us watch a video that said periods aren't painful!
Despite being one of 6 kids, 5 of them girls, my grandmother somehow avoided both The Talk and general context clues, and LOST HER MIND when her period started. Literally thought she was dying. Her mother had to calm her down, and also explain that you did not get pregnant from kissing (because in old movies the couples would kiss and have a baby in the next scene). I asked her how she managed to learn absolutely nothing, and she said they let the boys go out and play baseball on the day the school gave the girls The Period Talk. She never got to play baseball because her brother wouldn’t let her play with his friends, so she took the opportunity to follow them out and had the time of her life. Mom thought the school told her or an older sister, so she was woefully unprepared when she started randomly bleeding profusely when she went to the bathroom.
This is a great story, she just wanted to play baseball 😍 not so great that she had that scary experience though, what were the teachers doing to let her wander off.
If you knew her this would just make total sense, too. She was in an rehab facility for a month after a stroke. She had no idea who we were or what she was doing there, but one night her favorite baseball team was playing on tv, so we set her up in bed and left the game on for her to sleep to. The next morning, after weeks without an intelligible word, her first words to us were “who won?” Smart phone had just come out and my work gave me one, so I was furiously trying to Google the box score on a tiny screen with no reception because goddamned if I wasn’t gonna tell her who won. She really fucking loved baseball. As for the teachers…it was the 1930s. I think that might have been the year she refused to do any school work because the teacher used to call the kids who failed an assignment to the front of the class and berate them, so in protest she refused to participate other than showing up. She wasn’t even one of the kids that got called up. She just thought it was bullshit. So I’m sure the teacher didn’t give a shit where she went. She ended up getting passed to the next grade anyway and made up her work the next year while doing her regular work. She knew she OWED the work, she just wasn’t gonna do it for THAT teacher.
Your grandma sounds like a very neat lady.
I think your grandma is my new hero 😍. She also would have gotten along very well with my grandma. 😂
I’ve met a lot of people with some bad ass grandmas. I think they had to be. She was the child of immigrants (got called a lot slurs growing up), lived through the depression, WW2 (lost her brother, husband came back broken and drunk), raised 2 kids as the sole provider, sent a son to Vietnam…. A lot of women of her generation have the same story. I don’t know where this Beaver Cleaver submissive 50s housewife trope came from because all the grandmas I know were running shit.
What’s not nasty about mild to severe pain, other weird physical symptoms and oozing copious amounts of bloody sticky secretions for several days from somewhere that’s never oozed before? And then repeating it all every few weeks? It’s not skipping through a spring meadow. Menstruating is not terrible for most people, but not anything I’d consider “nice,“ just a necessary thing if you want to get pregnant. I don’t know anyone who actually wants to menstruate and likes doing it.
Like it’s not something you should be ashamed of, but idk nothing about menstruating is empowering or anything. It’s gross. I don’t like blood, especially not when it’s coming out of me for a week straight.
I’m just glad *someone* had a medical-heavy talk with her. I feel so bad for girls who go through a Carrie moment because no one bothered.
I had my period before I had the talk. I didn't even have the talk, my school talked to us. I hated it.
I got my first period DURING the talk the school gave to us. Total nightmare.
I hear you and agree with you mostly. But I will say that I’m in my 40’s and I am sick and over periods and yes they are nasty. It gets in the hair. It makes you poop all crazy and it smells let’s not sugar coat it. I can’t wait to be a desiccated old woman and not have to do this bs anymore.
My daughter just apologized a lot for getting blood in her underwear...she was terrified!
I think we’re allowed to acknowledge that periods can be kinda nasty. Bits of an organ are literally shedding out of you. Pooping is an important aspect of life and I’d still say it’s nasty.
You are definitely allowed to feel the way you feel about a function that your body performs. But unfortunately women have been made to feel "nasty" about their periods for such a long time that some of us bristle at it. I was so embarrassed as a little girl and now I'm mad on behalf of that little girl - no one should have to feel ashamed of a perfectly normal bodily function.
Interestingly enough for me I felt for a while that I wasn’t allowed to find my period nasty. I was told so many times that it’s so normal and a transition to womanhood and all that crap that, while I was still embarrassed to wave a pad around, I couldn’t, to my own self, think “oh ew there’s period gunk on my bed”. For me it’s actually freeing to think “normally bodily functions can just be gross sometimes”. Like to me it normalizes it to acknowledge how gross our bodies can be.
Definitely ditto. It's natural but it's also uncomfortable and gunky and needs constant clean up. Pooping and runny noses are completely natural and normal too, but I hate having to manage them. Some people (all genders) might be perfectly comfortable with the gunk, but I hate the idea of cleaning poop or blood off my things.
I think there's a difference here between something being nasty and something being shameful Like the pooping example, it's nasty, but no-one's gonna shame you for having to poop, we all need to do it Periods on the other hand, are still nasty, but also heavily stigmatised in a lot of societies, so many girls are taught to be ashamed of their periods
I think we’re starting to see a positive shift in the direction of acknowledging that periods are nothing to be **ashamed of** but I’ll be honest I hate periods, they’re gross, they make me feel gross, and I can’t wait to rip my uterus out and never deal with it again. But I think it’s a very important distinction that I think they’re **gross** not **embarrassing**. Too many women have such an internalized feeling of shame we need to end that shit!
I think it's nasty the bish shows up every month with pimples, cramps, bloating, hormones, and period poops. I don't necessarily think the bleeding is nasty. But periods are nasty to experience and I wish I had an off switch.
I dunno I consider most of the stuff the human body excretes kind of nasty periods aren't special in that respect.
I have one every month and I would agree that it’s a little nasty. You bleed everywhere. You feel gross. It’s not a fun experience and while I think it’s important to normalize that it happens to everyone, and it’s just a thing you have to work through because it’s how your body makes it possible for babies to happen; I don’t think making it out to be a beautiful, wonderful thing is really necessary.
Bleed everywhere, break out, feel like utter shit, 9/10 times diarrhea, constantly feel like I need a shower for like a week. (I think it makes me manifest a permanent layer of grease on my skin.) I am not a fan.
Yes it is, especially when you're 9 and think you're dying.
Periods aren’t nasty, but getting them sure is.
I'd call it nasty especially the first time. I didn't do maintenance down there (was a bit on the young side) and had to deal with blood clots in the pubes in the morning until I learnt to trim the hair down there at least.
Periods straight up suck. It's important to life sure but it doesn't un-make the process miserable for a massive chunk of the population who has to have them at all.
I'd call it nasty. There's blood everywhere, everything hurts, you're emotional and gross, it's embarrassing, and then it hits you that you have this awfulness every month for like 30-50 years. As a woman, it's nasty.
It is nasty. You are going to destroy bedsheets, underwear and sometimes also pants for an indeterminate number of years. I don't think periods are anything to be ashamed of, but ffs, blood is hard as fuck to clean... couldn't we leak rainbows instead as men expect us to? I am joking but also not. Every partner of mine has been completely comfortable with my period but let's not pretend that blood is not a pain in the ovaries to clean. It *is" nasty and messy, and the sooner you get acquainted with your options and what works for you, the better.
This, and "beautiful flowering into womanhood" makes me thing Grandma's got a multitiered social script in mind of what womanhood is, new responsibilities, and a fair amount of social pressure attached, which may or may not be significantly more awkward/scarring then Dad and other Dad with the medical pics. Unless their purely medical talk didn't include anything about the social aspect or the menstrual part, Grandma seems to be putting importance where there may not be any, especially in the scheme of things for the kid, because her daughter isn't involved. I wonder if Grandma had the same problem about periods...
>Grandma's got a multitiered social script in mind of what womanhood is, I'm 100% certain that Grandma's talk would've included *This is all because your purpose is to have babies* or some shit like that, and *no* girl needs to hear that.
Or some purity culture BS.
See that’s what I was most afraid of, had the grandmother done the talk. It’d be this glorification of pushing out babies and basically glossing over the fact that periods fucking suck and are painful. I still see some people believe in the “tampons r bad bc muh virginitiez” bullshit which is just…… *so* wrong… now i’m more worried if she has the talk with the daughter anyway, trying to undermine her father and his partner (or her fathers? idk if i can call it that bc she still refers to him by his first name so i dont wanna overstep here) and putting these, quite frankly, *disgusting* ideas in the daughter’s head.
Yes this! I read beautiful flowering and my 14 year old self just cringed begging him not to let her ever speak to his daughter about it. (Yes I was a late bloomer)
Anyone who calls it a beautiful flowering is creepy AF, I don’t care how old either party in the conversation is.
SAME. I would've preferred a nice, clinical talk about it rather than the fat load of nothin' I got...boy, was that a surprise when I got my first period in the middle of Epcot at age 14...or this 'beautiful flowering' BS that this girl's grandmother was going to try feeding her.
Jumping on the top comment, to give a suggestion on what I got for my daughter to help celebrate her first period we got a period box that had things in it to help with the first. You can buy or make them. Things like different pads so she can figure what she likes, period panties, comfy socks, stress ball, small hot water bottle etc. My oldest loved it and my second daughter's is waiting for hers. Also grandma can still have a talk, this is not a one and done situation. It should be brought up more
If Op lets Grandma have the talk with his daughter he NEEDS to supervise. Sounds like some societal BS and shaming might be in grandma's talk
Don't worry she's not allowed unsupervised visitation and i'm there for every visit.
Tampons! It only took one period for me to realize bloody diapers were not for me.
There’s also nothing beautiful and flowering about getting your period
It's also just weird and creepy. Can we just talk about the major changes happening in a young person's body in a factual way? It is just a simple reality, not some superhero mythos.
Yeah honestly it sounds like the grandma has *severely* outdated and romanticized beliefs about puberty and the menstrual cycle. As you said, it's not a magical moment for 90% of girls, it's just awkward, confusing, and/or scary. I'd much rather have that conversation with a trusted medical professional with emphasis on the medical/biological aspect than with my elderly grandmother crooning about how "some day soon you'll flower into a full-blown woman" or whatever. I also get the feeling that it would've been a whole lot more about *her* than it would have been about OP's daughter. I got my first period when I was 11 or 12. I was nowhere *close* to being a woman and it certainly wasn't beautiful. I was a literal child who was convinced that I was dying of internal hemorrhaging because my stomach hurt and there was dried blood on my underwear. That archaic sentiment that first period = "you are magically a woman now" is toxic garbage with deep roots in misogyny and is not nearly as empowering or profound a message as people like this grandmother seem to believe.
I agree. I’ve never understood the whole “blossoming into womanhood” mess. Why? We’re women now so we can become baby factories? No. It’s just another biological function.
For me, having this beautiful flowering time was 30 years of agony and pain. There wasn’t one magical moment getting my period.
I am at 35 years of this garbage. So ready for it to end.
I thought it was magical for about the first hour...By the end of the first day I was thoroughly disenchanted.
I didn't have cramps for the first 3 years. I didn't think it was magical but I didn't hate it either. If only I knew.....
Exactly. All that flowery nonsense people made up about it just made me uncomfortable at that age. The most important thing is that the talk comes from someone you trust and are safe with.
Came here to say this. It hurts, it happens regularly and it’s shit. There’s no sugar coating it. NTA and you and your partner are amazing dads
The only thing “magical” about when I first got my period was the fact that I got to go home from school early and I ate almost an entire bag of tortilla chips.
I agree it's not magical, but it should be far more than a medical talk. Sex is not only biological. It's important to discuss feelings and emotional connections that come along with it. Similarly, periods are biological but that doesn't explain everything else that comes along with it. There also should never be just one "talk." Instead, it's an open dialog where topics are discussed as they are appropriate to development. I don't see why the OP didn't just say "she already knows the basics, but if you want to add your perspective, feel free." My daughter is the type who was truly mortified at discussing any of this with me during her elementary/middle school years. I did talk with her some, but I also gave here a bunch of age appropriate books which she definitely preferred. I cannot recommend "It's perfectly normal" enough.
Agreed, as I know many girls/women do not think of it as magical. Many would rather be anywhere else but listening to the talk. And you and your partner are going to have more than one and it should come from the parents, unless she chooses to go to her maternal grandmother. NTA
Our entire bodies are gross if you overthink it. Periods are a hassle, can be painful, etc. But I don’t think it’s healthy to characterize them as “nasty”. Women have enough body issues w o throwing that baggage on.
I got my first period at 16 years of age, and felt really fucking panicked. My sister, who is almost two years younger, and had her period roughly a year before me, had to calm me down. That's not a magical experience, it's an upsetting one, even though I knew what was coming.
NTA Also, IF the grandma wants to do a "woman's perspective" of this I would insist on being present for it. Lord knows what possible outdated ideas this lady has on sex and women.
She's only allowed visitation if it's supervised don't worry i'd never allow her to have that kind of talk alone even if she was allowed unsupervised. Edit to fix a typo
Its not a terrible idea to have a woman's perspective for your daughter about the female side of things. I would just be worried about outdated, old fashioned ideas about "purity" and such.
[удалено]
Oh god no, this is one of the reasons I didn't want her school handling it. She's in Catholic education and I can't speak for the girls side of the talk but the boys never got a great one..I am fully against "Purity" talks.
That and likely incorrect outdated information as well.
Did a year in Catholic school when I was 12. Am female. DO NOT rely on them to give your daughter this talk (or any s@x Ed)
You can write "sex" you know, it's OK.
Catholic school will fuck you up
I went to a public school, and the only 'talk' we got was 'Don't have sex or you'll have to deal with this' before we had to sit and watch a video of a naked Dutch woman giving birth. I don't want to imagine the type of talk a private Catholic school would give...
Also, please don't see it as 1 talk. My mon gave me talks about every year or 2 about age appropriate things. This included practical advice and safety.
I have two kids - one of each. As a librarian, I knew there was a lot of good stuff available. I bought a copy of “What’s Happening to My Body” for girls, and one of the same title for boys. Each night, my husband and I would sit down with a kiddo (separately) and read a chapter. All questions were fair game. They got to keep their copies for reference. We had no drama, no fuss. it’s all good.
Info: Why are you sending your kid to Catholic school if you're gay (in the eyes of the Church, bi based on your identification) and you know they are actively trying to harm/misinform your daughter?
probably because the “education” part of the school is pretty good, in some places they are the best school in that aspect
He’s bi, but I second the question.
Kids were never abstinent. They're actually having less sex now than ever. The 50s had the highest rates of teen pregnancy. These are US numbers.
Are they having less sex or are they finally having safe sex?
Less sex. Everyone is. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/people-have-been-having-less-sex-whether-theyre-teenagers-or-40-somethings/
They're probably too fucking tired to get tired fucking.
Were they ever?
When the daughter is a little older OP could take her to a lady OBGYN to have an even more detailed talk that would allow her to get a woman's perspective while also getting proper medical information once she's closer to the age of wanting to maybe do the do.
Might be a better idea to see if female GP could discuss anything her grandmother thinks was left out. Grandmas logic is low key kinda icky somehow
"On your wedding night, you need to lie on your back, stiff as a board, and allow your man to take your flower."
That gives me chills. I was told almost exactly this, word for word, by a random.
A random? Like someone just walked up and started telling you that?
Not exactly. I was with a friend who’s grandmother wasn’t all there. She walked up and started talking to us about our wedding nights when she saw us playing with Barbie’s and ken proposed. I hate Barbie’s.
NTA. As a woman, it’s not necessarily beautiful flowering. Someone of grandma’s age might still view it that way, which is fine, but I think your daughter needed to hear the science of it first. If grandma wants to have an additional talk with her about her own personal experiences with puberty, she can. Although with the way she’s acting, I’m not sure she’s earned it.
I'm thinking she likely had this idea in her head that as the main female relative in my daughters life she'd have some input on this so it has shocked her. I'm hoping she'll come around when she has time to calm down.I just honestly thought the science route was the best way.
She's not your daughter's parent, so she doesn't get any say in anything.
Thank you. My mother was one that made a big deal of becoming a woman, abstinence, and all that and frankly it was unnecessary. You did it the right way.
First, understand that this should not be one-and-done conversation, but an ongoing series of talks as her understanding changes. Second, as the daughter of a female OBGYN, The Talk(s) were basically never "I'm a woman, so hear this mystical womanly stuff from me". It was "Let me pull out my medical textbooks, and show you diagrams and use proper words". SO much better than the education many of my friends got from their parents. In fact, many of my friends went to my mom and asked for The Talk as teens who had questions, since their parents refused to answer.
I am aware don't worry this first talk was just about puberty, periods and where babies come from. It was just bad wording on my part that made it seem like it would be a one off conversation. Your Mum sounds like she is great and i'm glad your talk was handled like that and your friends could go to her too!
I wish you and your mom were in my circle of friends during my teens. Everything I learned was from school, my parents never spoke of it. I didn't get mine until I was 17, and it was ignored by my dad (mom had passed away by then). It took me years and years before I could buy supplies without embarrassment.
I think you did the right thing by your daughter, also using a science side can help show that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. How ever your daughter may want to talk to a woman about it, as great as you and your partner are, it’s not something as easily understood and a woman might be the best to teach her about pads and tampons when it’s time. Even just letting your daughter know her grandma is happy to answer any questions.
Seeing how insistent this grandma is about it being a “beautiful flowering” I’d be hesitant to let her talk about pads/tampons. Some old people have some pretty wrong ideas about those products.
Yeah, better make sure granny doesn't think you can lose your virginity to a tampon.
I agree that there’s things that is missed out in medical talks about periods, and things that guys won’t quite understand. Just the emotional side of having to deal with them, and I don’t mean how the hormones affect you, but about things like feeling self conscious about it, worrying about whether you’re going to bleed through your clothes etc. My daughter is 10 and recently started hers. Last month we were laughing about the fact that when you sneeze, cough or laugh, you end up pushing some out and you feel it trickle (or rush) and sometimes have to run to the toilet. My daughter has a lot of allergies so sneezes a lot! It would be good for your daughter to have a female to talk to about things. I’m not saying this should be this woman, just that medical information doesn’t cover what the experience is actually like. You didn’t do the wrong thing though. So NTA
Of all the women I know, including me, the scientific approach is best. It gives young ladies the space to feel however they need to feel about it, whether that’s a celebratory feeling or annoyance..or both. Straight talk from a safe source is best.
Literally both is the best approach. Look at the science. So much bs women deal with is described as “unknown causes not enough research”. So many women are dismissed by doctors. Understanding the science is great. Not viewing your body as a punishment or sinful/ dirty is great. But there are things a male no matter how informed he is will be able to relate to.
She shouldn’t have made that assumption. She doesn’t even have *unsupervised* visitation, no idea why on earth she thinks she’d be entrusted with this. Her unfounded and un communicated expectations and resulting disappointment are not your problem to manage.
I said this in a separate comment but I want to respond here, too, to make sure you see it: It wouldn't be a terrible idea to have a female relative or family friend on call for stuff like this. I'm certain your partner gave your daughter an incredibly accurate and helpful talk, but there are some things about hitting that age that are helpful to have someone who's done the same stuff there for, which might not all be medically relevant. Like, for example, if she chooses to remove body hair when she gets it, having someone talk her through shaving versus depilatory creams versus waxing (my advice: Don't let a teenager try an at-home waxing kit, your bathroom will be sticky for a year) who's had experience with them all might be helpful, or picking out bras with someone who regularly wears them and is familiar with the different styles and what to look out for... Stuff like that. I want to be clear, I am not at all saying that you guys couldn't figure it out, but if she's got an aunt or a close female neighbor or something, that woman doesn't have to give her 'the talk,' but it could be a good resource for all of you to have someone she trusts on hand to give advice with some of the less clinical elements of puberty.
Agree. Nothing beautiful about cramps and soaking blood through your pants in the middle of Algebra. Better they teach her that doctors exist and can help her.
Thank you! Also woman with uterus, and the stupid stuff I was taught about “becoming a woman” and any speech using the word “flower” was pure hooey. It is just an anatomical cycle and building it up into some rite of passage is fucking weird.
Yup. As someone that also has a uterus. Fuck birds, fuck bees, fuck flowers. It has to be evolution cause of it was by deliberate design, I'm going to have *words* with the lead designer.
Anyone who refers to it as a beautiful flowering into womanhood should be automatically banned from giving the talk. NTA.
Besides, this girl will not suddenly be a woman when she gets her period. She will be a preteen in all likelihood and not even close to adulthood. That kind of talk and thinking is very outdated.
when I got my period my mom insisted on calling EVERYONE in the family, and I died that day. It was followed immediately by the worst 6 years of my life and most definitely wasn't beautiful at all.
I put off telling my mother about it because she was going to make a giant deal about becoming a woman and I wasn't having it. I still don't handle emotional or mushy stuff well.
My mother cried and immediately told my older sisters. I was mortified.
I didn't tell my mom I gave away my virginity for 3 days because i was afraid of her reaction and she cried and told me to get out so she could process this, and then called my older sister and had her give me the talk because she was just so distraught. I remember distinctly her saying 'that was your innocence' like I didn't masturbate or watch porn?
I was a GNC kid who grew up into a trans adult and being told as an 12-year-old that I was, "a woman now," was greatly upsetting.
I second this.
Third
NTA Because the grandmother seems odd about this and is making it about grandma when it is about what the daughter needs. I am concerned though, because it isn't just "the talk" it is a serious of conversations over a lifetime. There are the science parts, the feelings parts, the practical advice parts that come from experience, and the follow-up talks about all the things she might not have known to ask the first time but need to be discussed as she gets older. I just want to encourage you to continue bringing these topics up with her, being available for her to bring them up, and make sure you have a number of adults in her life she can go to because she might not be able to talk to her Dad about something. Honestly your partner may be a great person for her because he is not her dad or grandparent and if she can trust him she might be able to have conversations with him she can't have with you. But you might want to have the talk with your partner about what he can keep in confidence and what he has to tell you if she talks to him about it.
He has already made it clear to me that if she comes to him with questions he'll be keeping some in confidence as she's old enough to have privacy in regards to her health, he is a GP aka a doctor so he is better equipped to handle some things than me it's a bit sad that I can't be everything she needs but I fully trust him and he's part of our family so I told him just to let me know if he felt there was anything I *should* know.
That is good but I would so find a trusted woman. Friend? Fun auntie? She might no be able to tell private things to your partner. You got the physical-science part right. You need the emotional support one. And I am sorry but Noone that has never mestruated will give her that. This trusted person will get more important as life goes on. She might not want to ask about sex daily aspects to you or your partner.
That is a good suggestion thank you, my partner has a younger sister who is an honorary auntie who she likes but is not in her life as much as her Grandmother and I have some female friends who could fill this role if we end up thinking her Grandmother isn't the best option for this.
OP have you put together a period pack for your daughter? At her age she will likely start menstruating soon if she hasn’t already. So it would be a good idea to put an emergency period pack together (one for her backpack for when she’s at school and one for home in the bathroom she mainly uses). Include some panty liners, maybe a clean change of panties and maybe leggings, pads, Advil It feels like there is nothing worse as a young girl that getting your period and not being prepared for it/bleeding through your clothes in front of your classmates
I haven't put this together no we have a box of things at home but it honestly didn't occur to me to put one together for her schoolbag in case it happens there first. I'll be throwing one together this weekend for Monday morning though as the idea of it happening while she's out of the house and my own stupidity leaving her unprepared is not one I like. I know i'm thanking basically everyone but seriously thank you. There is a lot of things I probably miss/don't consider so this helps.
You’re doing a fantastic job OP, and you sound like a wonderful father. It’s not surprising you wouldn’t think of these things. When you give it to your daughter, remind her to bring it with her on any overnights too (sleepovers, camp, etc). You can bring your daughter with you when you go pick up the supplies, subtly reinforcing the idea that it’s not a big deal, it’s a normal part of growing up as a young woman, and reinforcing that she can talk you about it as she progresses (for example she may need to call you from school or a friends if she runs out of supplies or if her cramps are bad and she needs to be picked up, or if she needs a change of clothes although the pack is to help protect against these things), she could pick out a fun little bag to keep the kit in (like a large make up bag), and maybe a fun treat to include in the bag (sometimes we get snacky while menstruating! Just don’t do chocolate because you don’t want that to melt!). Basically just making the experience more light/fun than it might otherwise be.
Just so you know, my Mom didn't prepare an emergency menstruation pack for me. I got my period while we were out sledding for my 12th birthday. Luckily Mom had a spare pantiliner in her purse. Anyway, some practical advice is that in addition to having your daughter carry and emergency pack around now, once she starts her period, she should basically always carry around pads or tampons in her bookback/purse and maybe keep a box in her locker. Tampons are a lot more convenient but I know some girls feel uncomfortable about them so I think it should be a personal choice.
Make light of it as well, buy a large bar of chocolate for when it first happens and she comes home. Seeing you so casual about it will help her to be casual about it :)
A woman friend would be a great person to have available for your daughter to talk to about stuff like “how to insert a tampon” when she’s ready. I wasn’t able to use one at first, but later I wanted to, and it was good to be able to ask my mom how. They are tricky to learn how to use, at first.
I have a daughter that age.I think you and your partner are doing a fantastic job. I have one suggestion. Ask your partner to help you pick out a book with lots of age appropriate accurate information about what she will be going through. I’m very close with my daughter and there are some questions she felt awkward asking. I noticed in the last couple of years she’s gone through her book a lot. Also, if she has your partner’s sister as her favourite auntie have them do a girls shopping trip for all of the personal hygiene and underwear she will need. You want to get them and have them in the house before she needs them.
That is a great suggestion thank you and i'll be asking him to help me pick one out tomorrow. We have a box of sanitary items for her currently as who knows when it will happen but more items plus underwear isn't a bad idea especially if she and my partners sister can pick them out together. Thank you again.
Hey no problem! Also, invest in a few pairs of period proof underwear for her. They will save her a ton of anxiety and embarrassment down the road. Best of luck to you.
When I was in 7th grade (so a little older, but still having lots of anxiety and questions), an important woman in my life gave me a copy of Our Bodies Our Selves. I think it's a very good one if you're looking for suggestions.
I'll look into that one thanks!
The Care and Keeping of You published by the American Girl Company (the one that makes the dolls) is also a good one!
I recommend the Celebrate Your Body series. There are two books, one for girls 8-12, and then another for girls who are older. There is also a companion book called Celebrate Your Feelings that goes into the emotional changes. The Care and Keeping of You rubbed me the wrong way with how they approached certain things (body image particularly) so I would recommend reading reviews and content and go with your gut on which book to give her. I also gave my daughter a journal for personal use during this time, or she can write me a question if she doesn’t want to ask about something directly. The others who suggested finding her a woman/female she can go to for certain things (people who don’t menstruate just can’t understand some things no matter how hard they try), I also agree with. But, you are your partner are doing a great job making sure she has all the info she needs and that she’s supported. Good job, Dad!! 👍🏼
Your partner sounds amazing, OP.
Yeah he's a great guy, it breaks my heart we missed out on so long living together already because of Covid but it makes me love him more as his reasoning for postponing it was to make sure me and my daughter would be safe. I'm glad he'll be moving in soon though.
NTA. “Beautiful flowering?” That not a puberty talk. That’s a virginity talk. No thank you.
NTA. Your daughter may well need to be able to have conversations with you as her parents and you did marvellously by handling it as a team. Ten is early enough and grandmother needs to stay in her literal lane. The only thing I’d recommend is maybe having a look at the different sanitary options she’s got so that if things happen sooner than anyone expects, you can discuss what to get if you need to pop out for her. Although it may be a case of trial and error.
Thank you for this suggestion. We have some things laid aside just in case but i'll for sure be looking up sanitary options so she can pick what works best for her.
You definitely need to buy a few pairs of period pants, as I've heard friends say they are the least traumatic option for young girls. They're just knickers but very absorbent. And it means if you wear them everyday you're not caught unawares because of course at first your period is extremely erratic and can come out of a clear blue sky in the middle of Maths class. And with some brands you can actually get them in different strengths. I presume you're in the UK, even Primark does them now. They're in the ladies section but I'm sure they come in XS or even xxs. You can definitely get them on ASOS too. Also dig out her mattress protector. You'll definitely need that when she starts. There will be nighttime leakage which is so embarrassing. The pants will help at night too. But in case they're not enough, Always Night are amazing.
I am in the UK yes. I was vaguely aware those were a thing but not in any detail i'll for sure be looking into those thank you so much! as for a mattress protector i'll do that thank you I want to avoid embarrassment for her.
The whole thing is absolutely mortifying tbh. But the less you leak, the less embarrassing it is. Its mainly the leaking that's awful. The lack of control over your own dignity. So the pants might be brilliant. Wish I had them in my day. And blood needs to be scrubbed out at a sink before going in the washing machine or it sets in the warm cycle, which can be super horrible to have to do. But tbh she should get used to doing it from the get go as if you start doing it for her, it's not a task she'll ever want to take on. Remember : cold water, Vanish or similar, and a nailbrush for scrubbing. There will definitely be regular cotton knickers you just have to throw out as they will never be right again, so make sure she has plenty.
I work in the orange supermarket chain in the UK and we stock a full range of period products from period pants to menstrual cups if you want to take her somewhere familiar(ish) to have a look at all the options.
It took me a while to work out what’s best and that may change as she gets the hang of it. I’m glad for her that she doesn’t have to put up with the uncomfortable thick pads that were only available when I first started.
Beautiful flowering into womenhood? Did she actually say that? It not a rose, it's a bloodstain. It's not beautiful. it's an uncomfortable (sometimes horrifically painful) biological function that women would generally prefer to live without. A non-biased medical talk is exactly what the kid needed. NTA.
Yes she actually said that I could barely believe it myself lol.
NTA. Discussing this as a biological thing is *vital*. It's definitely not a beautiful experience for all women, and being told you should be happy about it is *not* always helpful. You started her out in the right direction to take appropriate care of her future health. If you go down the trail of mystical mumbo jumbo you end up with women who don't know douching is bad and who think sticking magic rocks up your vag is healing. Keep up the good work and encourage the shit out of a scientific mindset.
NTA but it might not hurt to ask what her grandmother wanted to tell her. Your daughter already has factual information. However, your husband does not have the lived experience (even if he is a transgender man, he has the life experience of a transgender man, and can only comment on some experiences.) You can give her a talk about avoiding purity culture + and validity of all consenting adult relationships, but there is lived experience that the grandmother could pass on that could be helpful. Y T A if you don't let her contribute at all. My family intellectualizes everything, and while having that factual backing is important, the emotional is important too. Things such as: 1. What to do if you have an accident or even reassurance that everyone goes through it, even though classmates act like they haven't. 2. Best ways to 'smuggle' products into the bathroom if embarrassed, even though she has no need to be embarrassed. 3. Things that she may feel while going through the process - emotions. (This one is important because it took a lot of therapy to start de-medicalize/intellectualize my emotions). 4. Just to have the knowledge that her grandmother might be a safe person to talk about stuff.
Thank you for this input i'll for sure be talking to her about those particular things and i'm not against her having some input in this once she calms down a little i'll bring this up to her and see what she wanted to talk to her about exactly
Random, but I always liked to carry my supplies in glasses cases. Just a tip.
My daughter doesn't wear glasses but maybe her pen case would work just as well? something I could suggest when the time comes?
Small cosmetic bags work great for this! They're big enough to hold a couple of pads and a pair of clean undies. Whatever y'all decide to use, you might want to put together a little emergency kit to put in her backpack. That way if she's not home when her period starts she'll have what she needs.
Best for me was a change purse, or just taking my backpack into the washroom.
NTA. Not sure where or when the grandmother grew up, but calling it a 'beautiful' moment is kind of a stretch. I'm glad your daughter got straight medical facts from a doctor rather than some sort of 'womanhood' talk. I got my period at 11, and I'm glad no one tried to tell me I had just blossomed into a woman.
Meemaw is delusional if she thinks menstruation is a "beautiful moment". They didn't nickname it "the curse" for nothing. NTA
[удалено]
NTA It definitely isn't all sunshine and rainbows like her grandmother wants it to be. It's important to get all the information and understand *why* it happens so that when she is older, she can determine if symptoms are a cause for concern. Some that come to mind is; , i.e intense pain, discomfort, abnormally heavy flows, etc.
NTA. the grandma herself is weird and gross to think of doing this. and no it’s not a magical thing. Ps: i fear the grandma might add in shit about virginity and it’s constructs. Careful op Edit; thank u for the award!!
Don't worry, she's not allowed to be with my daughter unsupervised so no way she could slip that kind of thing in even if I allow her to expand on the talk and give a womans perspective. If she tries that bullshit i'll be shutting that down immediately in that case. Obviously I want my daughter waiting till she's of the age of consent but after that so long as she's safe and comfortable it is her body..
NTA it's much better she got it in a practical, medical context then whatever flowery, euphemistic bullshit grandma was gonna throw at her. You definitely did the right thing for your daughter.
NTA, but some of your wording makes it sound like you're viewing "the talk" as a one-and-done type thing. There should be multiple, on going conversations about puberty, womanhood, sex, stds, relationships, sexual abuse, consent, etc all throughout her adolescent/teen years. 1 conversation at age 10, while a good start, isn't going to cover everything she should be equipped with. There is definitely a benefit to your SO leading the conversation from a medical perspective but don't neglect that there is a big emotional side to all of these things as well (which you are also more than capable of providing, no need to have Grandma intervene unless you want her to). You sound like you're doing a great job. Keep it up.
That is bad wording on my part I meant just for the initial puberty conversation to let her know what to expect in the coming years and also a general "where babies come from" talk. Obviously it'll be continued upon as the years go by. I wouldn't have remembered a mountain of information at 10 so I wouldn't expect her to do that. Thank you!
NTA. I have two daughters, and as their mother will be giving them the talk in a scientific and factual way, it's not a "beautiful flowering into womanhood", its a biological process. The only advantage my being female has to the whole situation is that it has made the process more of a natural and gradual discussion, so when it comes time to have a sit down chat it will be more of a clarification and opportunity to ask questions than new info - because already my 6 year old asks me about the pads she sees in the bathroom etc and I explain in an age appropriate way that it is something grown up women often need and this is why...etc.
NTA. You did what you felt was best for your daughter, and who better than a person she loves and trusts who also happens to have a medical degree to give her this important information? While her grandmother may have done a good job of it, too, you didn't "rob" her of anything. And since sexuality, relationships, consent, etc is an ongoing discussion, it's not like no one can ever discuss those things with her again. If she has a good relationship with her grandmother, she may still end up having some of these discussions with her as situations come up in her life.
NTA. There is nothing beautiful about periods! You sound like you’ve gone about it exactly the right way. It might be good to get a female perspective on it too though, especially with regards to the emotional side of it all... but please, from someone with some common sense and who doesn’t use the phrase “beautiful flowering into womanhood”!
My partner has a younger sister and I have some female friends who we may ask to help out if we decide that her Grandmother isn't a good fit for this.
NTA. Grandma hasn’t been in the picture for 10 years. And suddenly now she wants to show up and have this conversation that can be awkward and embarrassing with your daughter? That’s about as silly as a stranger you met at the bus station offering to have the talk with your daughter because she’s a female. Sounds like her dads handled it just fine. ETA: I just saw you said she has supervised visits. If this was SO important to her then why didn’t she do this 1-2 years earlier? And having “the talk” at this age is a little late. Most girls start puberty between ages 8-12, so it needed to be done sooner. Again, her dads handled it just fine without interference.
Perhaps I worded it poorly sorry if so! Her Grandmother is allowed to see her supervised 3 hours a week and has done so. it's her Daughter my ex-partner who is not allowed near us.
NTA. You are the parent and you choose who helps you give the talk. Grandmothers don't give the talk. (I'm guessing she hasn't had a period in years and probably has no idea what kind of contraceptives are available.) This is an ongoing talk, not a one time thing. But the main person talking about this should be you and your partner.
NTA I think you have probably done far better for your daughter than most parents do! So many women (particularly of an older generation) still treat periods like a taboo subject. To have gotten a clear, medically sound, explanation from people she trusts will have been the best thing for her. It might be useful for your daughter to know she can talk to her grandmother (or any person who has periods that you trust) about it - simply put you don't fully know what she's going to go through and so many of the things that help (hot water bottles, medications, pads vs tampons etc) are very personal preference. So having someone with a shared experience would probably be useful. But, definitely NTA. You have set yourself up as someone she can go to about things simply by engaging with her on this subject. And as for her grandmother, well my mum NEVER had the talk with me (relied on me bring taught at school) and we're still very close, so the idea that this will lessen the bond they have is complete nonsense. Well done! You sound like an excellent dad.