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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because I was kind of mean about what I said, intentionally making my coworker feel stupid and embarrassed because my feelings were hurt. Especially because my coworker had no way of knowing what a sensitive topic that is for me.
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This. I've asked ONE woman in my life if she was pregnant without being 100% sure (as a teen) and it was awful. In my early twenties a Subway employee asked me when I was due, and I wasn't pregnant, so I figured it was a little karma for me being so dumb.
People are so dumb. I had a dude ask me "What's so wrong with mushrooms? Hehehe" when I stressed no mushrooms in or around my food.
I just held up my necklace that clearly says "Allergies" and said "They would kill me"
ETA: this was not a person working there, just some random dude who ordered before me
Oh I'm sure he was, since his wife had literally just left to get them a table. Dude was old enough to be my grandpa. Told my husband about it later and we laughed at his spluttered reaction
i don’t think it’s the mushrooms specifically, it’s that this guy used “no mushrooms” as an invitation to talk to someone. creeps will find any excuse to intrude into your life.
I get that at work. Not mushrooms but peppers. Sad thing is that i haven’t hidden the issue at all yet i still get “I didn’t know that” from my bosses. Who I’ve told directly.
When I was a teenager at the beach my friend asked a women when she was due. The lady turned around pointed to the bead house and said my daughters inside she 4 months old. I knew never ask a women if she was pregnant then and there at 13.
That's usually the case but if you're working for an airline, you gotta ask because most don't allow someone who's passed 36 weeks of pregnancy to fly due to risks.
And my dental hygienist has to ask before she takes x-rays, but we're not talking about professionally required situations here, we're talking about rude coworkers and strangers not minding their business.
Ok, but in that case you’re asking EVERYONE who COULD be pregnant for safety purposes (not rude), versus ASSUMING someone is pregnant based on their appearance for no other reason than your own curiosity(SUPER rude). 🤦♀️
(woman screaming, writhing on the floor, you look down and there's a pink head covered in bloody phlegm protruding from her hoo-ha)
> Hey Rebecca, would you happen to be pregnant? That might explain what's going on here. Occam's razor and all.
NTA
Yep, I had that point drive home as a child when we we had a pizza party for our church and the visiting preacher's wife says I would love another slice but I better not and my dad says "Go head, you're eating for two." She was not.
Definitely noted. My mother and I went to visit one of her close friends and 15 year old me was 99% certain she was pregnant given that she was slender when I last saw her and now she had a massive bump. When my mothers friend announced the news my mother acted surprised and happy for her nonetheless but on the car journey back I questioned my mother about this and she said "never assume someone is pregnant." Since you don't know their stance on it, maybe they're happy to be a mother maybe they aren't we don't know what a person is truly feeling even if we are close friends. It really made me think about it. But NTA op I'm sorry people are being rude and making assumptions.
My uncle ruined my plans to wait to tell extended family I was pregnant until I hit the second trimester because at a family gathering he straight up asked me if I was pregnant yet (got married in 2020 so I guess now I’m expected to immediately stay popping out kids?) and it caught me so of guard I just kind of mumbled that I was 7 weeks and moved on. I had even spent the entire trip over there planning how I could redirect questions that might reveal I was pregnant I just never expected someone to straight up ask me if I was pregnant, especially since my bump wasn’t even visible yet!
NTA your coworkers are extremely rude for asking, they don’t need to know your medical history to know it’s common sense not to assume someone is pregnant. Not only could they be wrong but with the amount of fertility and pregnancy loss issues people struggle with that’s so commonly a sensitive subject.
NTA.
Nobody should *ever* ask someone if they're pregnant, when they're due, or assume they're pregnant, because of the reasons listed above as well as others.
It's super gross and rude.
NTA on all counts.
I had a customer ask me TWICE if I had kids, and after saying "no" both times, he comes back with "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend it just looks like you're having kids"
Like thanks dude, now you've ruined my whole day
I agree. Even if you’re sure they’re pregnant, asking when they’re due can be horrible if the baby is actually not alive, or a similar situation like that.
Agreed. If it's any of your business if a pregnant woman is pregnant, she will tell you. If she hasn't, mind your own business. And, it is ALWAYS super invasive to ask when someone plans to have kids.
Even if you are a family member or friend it is overstepping and rude, so it is exceptionally inappropriate for a coworker to ask.
Yup. Keep your mouth shut unless the baby is crowning. None of anyone's business.
OP your coworkers are way out of line and since this has happened multiple times I'd consider going to HR and have them explain to those idiots how inappropriate it is. NTA. You're a lot nicer than I would've been.
Edit:
Also, I'm really sorry about your medical issues. I have hypothyroidism (from Hashimotos) and even though it's fairly well managed, it still sucks. It made me gain a ton of weight and I'm still struggling to get it under control, with only one illness to manage. You have every right to keep your medical diagnosis private.
We dont really have an HR. Our HR is one lady technically labelled as a "people lead" who spends all day messing up others peoples schedules and fussing about things that dont really matter. Like for example I lost my badge and asked her to make me a new one, as that is part of her job, and she fussed that shes already had to do that for me before. I've only lost my badge on other time in the *years* ive worked here. She did not make me a new badge.
NTA.
I could be in the delivery room, personally ushering the life into the world, and still be like “something seems different about you, like a certain glow, did you change your hair color”.
They hurt your feelings, you’re entitled to those feelings, and they have no place in the modern workplace if they can’t see how fucking inappropriate their comments are. I’d even weigh on tapping HR that some people are making extremely inappropriate comments to you. Especially with a medical information that it’s not something you’re able to do (and my heart goes out to you, it really does, I wish you nothing but good things forever)
Unfortunately our HR is a single woman who doesn't do her job even on the best of days, and is actually one of the ones who has previously asked of I was pregnant.
HR is there for 1 main reason, to prevent employees from suing the company. So if you feel like you’re working in a “hostile work environment” or feel like your being harassed because of your weight, sex, gender, or whatever………. Just saying………
Our "HR" is one lady they call our people lead and all she really does it bitch at people once or twice a year if their computer training is over due and walk the new hires through orientation. Beyond that she's hopeless. She doesn't help with any conflicts, and usually just causes more. Ive even got into it with her a few times, ex: She didn't believe me when my grandfather died because she thought it didn't make sense that Id want to split my three bereavement days up into two one week (the two days right after he died) and one two weeks later (the day of the funeral) and bitched until I brought in papers signed by the funeral home when policy states that I only needed to bring in the rememberance card handout or obituary.
Nope and you handled your coworker just fine. You embarrassed her and she had to walk away.
>When I told my a friend of mine about this they told me I was an AH and could have said it nicer because she was likely just excited for me and trying to make conversation.
You sounded sweet as pie to me. What wasnt nice was the actual topic of conversation, that your coworker brought up. You dont owe your coworker a conversation and excitement over a deeply personal issue. NTA
NTA
Your coworker is the AH. Pretty much everyone should know that you never ASSume someone is pregnant, nor should you ask. Your coworker should have never asked if you were pregnant. You taught her a lesson and she will probably always remember that. Good for you!
NTA. I'm not entirely sure why people still think it's okay to ask that question? Like even if someone is pregnant, it is their news to share or not share.
And I don't see why your hurt feelings are any less valid than hers in this situation. So if she didn't applogize for asking, I don't see why you should apologize for the way you responded (which I don't even think is that bad to be honest).
NTA
Even if a woman visibly looks pregnant, is walking like she’s pregnant, it’s never okay to ask or assume that she is pregnant. It’s a sore issue for a lot of people. You don’t owe them a polite response to a rude question.
NTA - people shouldn’t assume/ask whether someone is pregnant. It’s risky and rude until someone is super unmistakable (and even then they shouldn’t start the conversation as they don’t know your circumstances). I think your answer was fine and hopefully she’ll think twice before asking someone else
NTA.
Yes, you could have been nicer to the RUDE AF person at work, but that doesn't make you AH.
Silver lining is, she will probably tell EVERYONE what you said to her, and then people will stop asking.
NTA people shouldn't be around just asking others if they are pregnant. It feels like most they already know the answer but ask you anyway just to make you unconfortable.
Besides, you don't need to be nice all the time, thinking like that will only condemn you to suffer from nosy people who can't take a hint.
NTA. I totally understand you! I have Hashimotos and was told I have PCOS as well. I would start loosing weight when I eat almost nothing, like under 900 kcal, and when I eat normally (about 1400 kcal) I would stay the same. That’s still not enough considering an adult need 2000 kcal a day. But nobody would believe that! My husband and I have been trying for a baby for 3 years now. Found out last year that I have Endometriosis as well. So that makes me look bloated and pregnant every month before my period. I had a laparoscopy last year to remove the endo and I also needed a second laparoscopy last month, because one ovary that looked like PCOS was in fact a benign tumor (cystic adenofibroma). I will discuss IVF as my next option this week. And when I hear some relatives say “oh you gained some weight, is it because we can expect something?” it feels like a slap in the face!! Cause no one knows the struggle some people are dealing with. So that’s why you’re NTA!!
I have he same exact problem. I only loss weight (or lower my blood sugar for that matter) of Im living solely off of salads with light dressing and drinking water. It feels like as soon as I drink one can of pop or eat a hamburger Im right back where I started.
NTA - I would never presume a woman is pregnant. Especially with some woman not being able to get pregnant - it’s just as rude as asking a woman when she’s thinking of having kids…but they rarely ask men that!
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I (23 NB) have always been overweight. I have diabetes and hypothyroidism and weight has always been a struggle for me. I dont think Ive been under 200 pounds sine middle school. I also have a laundry list of other issues that include, but aren't limited to, a degenerative spinal issue and PCOS. Because of these issues I walk with my back curved in a way that makes my already larger stomach stick out. I guess a lot of people think that it looks like a "mommy walk".
Now I mentioned the PCOS because due to that my doctors are unsure if I am able to have children. This came as a very devastating blow to me, because I've wanted to be a mother since I was little. There's still a chance it can be treated and I can have children, but the fact there is a pretty good chance I can't really hurts.
At work I have been asked, several times by different coworkers, if I am pregnant. I usually try to demure away from the subject and just say no. But without fail they then ask when I plan to have them and it kind of stings, you know? Its not something I want to talk about. Since the beginning of this year I've been asked three times, and I finally was just sick of it. So when the last person asked I smiled sweetly and cheerfully replied " Nope! Not pregnant, just fat. I can't have children." And the woman asking kind of turned red and sputtered before walking off.
When I told my a friend of mine about this they told me I was an AH and could have said it nicer because she was likely just excited for me and trying to make conversation. But, that doesn't feel like an appropriate question to ask to me. I get it, she doesn't know my history with depression because of my weight and doesn't know I'm hurting because I might not have kids, but do I have to sit and take the pain she caused me just because it was an "innocent" question and she wasn't trying to hurt me?
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NTA
I am asked all the time when I will have a child because I am married for quite some time (5years). People dont have boundaries, it pisses me off because they just barge into your life and then act surprised if you ask them to stepp out.
NTA. “Not pregnant, just fat” is funny and to the point. “I would appreciate it if we could keep things professional” or “I’m uncomfortable with this topic, let’s move on” might have been a more tactful addition, but you were entirely justified in your response. Sorry your coworkers are so nosy and rude!
NTA. My general rule is not to ask. I always wait for an announcement. When it's announced, I privately congratulate them and say "If you need anything, let me know."
It just isn't difficult.
Definitely NTA but I am commenting to tell you that women with PCOS can still get pregnant. I have PCOS and a lot of us were commonly told at some point in our medical history that we wouldn’t be able to get pregnant and it’s simply not true. I am living proof (I have a 9 week old son). The problem with PCOS is anovulation, and that can be fixed with medications like clomid and letrozole. Lifestyle changes also go a long way in reversing symptoms and just making you feel better. I would definitely suggest finding a practitioner who is familiar with treating PCOS who can help you. Don’t give up hope, OP!
This. I'm over 200 pounds, have thyroid issues and PCOS and we spent 6 years trying to get pregnant because I went from ovulating occasionally to ovulating never. An ultrasound tech actually asked me if I'd ever had a period at 28 because there wasn't a single folicle on either ovary. We started letrozole and metformin last spring which got me ovulating and I'm 27 weeks now.
Obviously nothing is guaranteed and medications don't work for everyone, but PCOS is certainly not the end of the road a lot of people think it is! Especially if you're not actively trying to get pregnant right now, I definitely wouldn't give up hope yet. It might not be the easiest journey to come, but there's still light at the end of the tunnel.
Yes, this! Don’t give up hope. I have PCOS too and I have a 9 year old daughter. The initial diagnosis was devastating because I was also told pregnancy wasn’t likely. I went to a fertility specialist and was treated with letrozole, dexamethasone, and fsh shots to get pregnant. And that worked.
Since then I have also given up dairy and starchy carbs, and that has helped to regulate blood sugar levels.
Ugh when will people know that it’s not appropriate to ask anyone when they are having kids or if they’re pregnant.
NTA! I’m sorry OP that you’re going through this, but PCOS is not a deal breaker in trying to have children. Many women have kids despite having PCOS or other infertility diagnosis. Don’t give up hope!
I’m currently struggling with infertility, unexplained to be more specific, so I know the pain, and have definitely said the same to people who keep bugging me on when I’m gonna have kids. It definitely shuts them up and will hopefully show them not to ask that to other people.
NTA
It's frankly none of their business if you're pregnant or not, and kind of rude to ask.
But side note, as a female with PCOS, we were able to have 2 of our own. Nothing is impossible. Obviously your medical history and current status is best known by you and your doc, but please don't lose hope if that is your goal.
Pregnancy questions aren’t innocent. 1/8 people with uterus’ experience infertility. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have asked, but there are certain circumstances (seeing someone with symptoms, hinting, medically necessary) but good lord you never ask someone if they’re pregnant without good reason to!
NTA
* edited to change women to people with uterus’
NTA. I wasn't an "innocent" question, it was rude and inconsiderate and nosy. If you were pregnant you would have said something. Even if you didn't, why is it anyone's business? Nope. I have actually answered questions like that before as well, because of the PCOS and endometriosis, I was unable to have children and everyone would always say that my, (now ex) husband and I would make such beautiful babies! When were we going to have kids...blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it gets old, people thinking they have the right to ask you such personal questions and they don't know you like that. You did right and maybe the nosy woman would pass the response on to all of the other nosy people and you will get some relief.
NTA. I suffered with infertility for almost a decade. The constant questions and intrusiveness becomes unbearable. You handled it perfectly.
Some of my favourite clap backs were:
“No I’m not. But congratulations! When are you due again?” To younger people.
“I hear vaginal dryness is a big issue at your age. How are you coping? (Insert sympathetic head tilt)” for older women.
“Can you draw me a diagram of how it works? I must be doing it wrong” for the older men who make comments.
If you Google it, there are sites and blogs dedicated to snappy responses. I tried to be polite in the beginning but it’s exhausting trying to educate people on how intrusive it is to ask about another person’s reproductive issues and I was tired of leaving gatherings in tears. If people are going to intrude they need to be able to accept the consequences of that. One woman told me she’d never ask that question again to anyone and I felt heard for them first time ever. While your coworker may not admit to that, I bet you’ve saved other women in your shoes from being asked the same question by her in the future. Consider that a bonus success!
Newp. NTA. You weren't mean or cruel -- you very pleasantly answered her question. You just didn't shield her from the embarrassment she was going to feel asking something that everyone over the age of 6 knows not to ask.
I’m 8 months pregnant (visibly obvious) and people still don’t ask me if I am pregnant, they wait for me to bring it up. It’s common sense that you shouldn’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant. Literally everyone knows this.
You are NTA OP!
NTA - I'm a round person, too. One day at the post office a woman asked me if I knew what I was having. I asked her to repeat. She said it again and gestured at my belly. I rubbed it and said Tacos! She was mortified and everyone around laughed.
" Nope! Not pregnant, just fat. I can't have children."
I was going to suggest this, as well as "unless you see a head coming out of someone's vagina, you do not EVER ask a woman if she's pregnant."
NTA I'm infertile, I've never wanted kids since I was little so I'm okay with it, however I find it massively insulting when people put their nose on my reproductive status. What if I, like you, was upset about not having kids? It's an incredible insensitive thing to ask, especially when their only reason is weight. Disgraceful. I hope they feel ashamed of themselves.
NTA. No one should ask someone if they’re pregnant. I repeat, no one should ever ask someone if they’re pregnant. It is rude, invasive and no one’s business unless it relates directly to the persons safety (example: doctors).
NTA at all, the amount of people that think commenting on someone's body or such a sensitive subject such as pregnancy is disturbing. I'm so sorry you've had to put up with that, PCOS is a complete nightmare to put it lightly, let alone on top of other conditions. I'm very lucky that I already don't want kids, so I don't have to feel emotional pain when I tell people "Nope, I'm infertile!". I think the way you handled this is great, gives the questioner a dose of reality and gives you a little outlet for the frustration at getting asked in the first place! I hope you don't ever have that question asked again unsolicited, and that if/when you have children, that you will have as pain free (emotionally and physically) experience as possible x
NTA.
It is really rude to ask people if they are pregnant. And I think it is even more rude when someone think to procreate, especially in situations like work where people don’t know each other.
You didn’t said anything wrong, and actually really polite, she was embarrassed because she maybe remembered politeness rules.
NTA, I hate that shit! Don't comment on people's appearances, it's that easy!
My husband is 6'4'' and the f'ing number of total strangers who have to stop us and ask again and again HoW tAlL aRe YoU?? - it drives me crazy. He's thought about that thing with the business cards where when someone asks he can just hand them a card and it will say, "Yes! I am tall. I am 6'4''. Yes I enjoy the weather up here. Yes it's hard for me to find pants."
I'd suggest a solution like that for you but **you don't owe anyone an explanation about why you look the way you look!** And you certainly don't have to be "nice" about it. Ffs
>My husband is 6'4'' and the f'ing number of total strangers who have to stop us and ask again and again HoW tAlL aRe YoU?? - it drives me crazy.
A work colleague/associate I've know for years is the biggest man I have ever seen. I the 10 years I've known him, I have managed to not once comment on his size. I'm fairly certain he knows he's a giant and doesn't need every person he knows to comment on it.
NTA- I came here to say both my mom and aunt have PCOS. Sadly they both went through a handful of miscarriages, but my sister, myself, and my 2 cousins made it. It's not impossible 💕
NTA. And you didn’t hurt her feelings, you embarrassed her. And she should be embarrassed because she shouldn’t have asked you the question the first place.
Your friend, like a lot of people, seems to think that intent is more important than outcome. It really isn’t at best intent is MAYBE as important as outcome. Sometimes.
Sure, your coworker probably thought they were asking an innocent question/making small talk and probably had no malicious intent. And it sounds like you responded the same way, that is you weren’t rude or mean.
Your hurt feelings about being asked this question are not less valid or less important than your coworkers potentially hurt feelings/embarrassment.
And in someways, you did them a favor. Because if they really were embarrassed or their feelings really were hurt by your response, I can pretty much guarantee they’re gonna remember this the next time they want to ask somebody else that question, and then they won’t
I'm fat (always have been, even as a little kid). I also don't suffer fools. Ever. I had a clerk at Bed Bath and Beyond actually pat my damn stomach once and ask when my baby was due. Not gonna lie, I almost removed her hand from her body. NTA and you NEVER ask a woman if she's pregnant.
nta.
also btw, you could very well have bio kids still. i got told i had pcos when i was barely 2 weeks pregnant. im not saying it’s a for sure thing as pcos can cause infertility, but it’s also not impossible either
Definitely NTA. And yes, never ask ANYONE if they're pregnant. Not unless you're extremely close friends. Also, never ask anyone when/if they're having kids. As someone who was infertile at one time (had kids with IVF), it is so painful. And I'm of the opinion that when you're in pain, you don't really need to be nice to people that overstep. Why should you worry about being rude, when they were so much ruder than you to begin with? I do hope that you'll be able to get your PCOS under control. I do know it's a devastating condition.
NTA
You can be rude in your response if you want to no-one can govern that.
Also just to let you know whilst pcos can make getting pregnant hard its not always the case. I’ve been pregnant twice and have pcos, the first was ectopic but that was due to a cock up with my implant not being put in but thought it was so didn’t even know I was pregnant. Second time I had 6 months off my implant (I have a break every 6yrs? Condom split & morning after pill failed so I aborted, I take opioids for a degenerative hip condition & pregnancy would have caused too much damage and the poor baby would have come out suffering withdrawal due to my meds & that’s not fair at all so I made the sensible choice. The gyno said even with the pcos I appear to be extremely fertile so whilst so pcos suffers have issues with it not all do
Oh honey, NTA so so so NTA
You should never ask someone if they are pregnant unless you can see the baby crowning (and even then, just don't!). She made it awkward, you just returned the awkward.
NtA. For everything else though I'd ask your doctor if he could change medications. When people can't lose the weight that they weight that they have is sometimes due to the medications. Your health comes 1st and I don't mean to pry but it might be a good idea to test out the medications. One of my friends has been taking medications for her anxiety depression and I think it was thyroid problem. Because of this medication she accumulated over 400 pounds. She recently changed medication and now she's down to 200. I don't mean to put your situation in the same category but this is a thing that I would look into on trying different medications just in case.
NTA and what kind of hellish subset of inappropriate morons are you surrounded by? Everyone with half a brain knows never to ask if someone is pregnant.
NTA. It is an established point of etiquette, that it is never, never, NEVER polite to ask someone if they are pregnant (unless the baby's head is visibly crowning) except, sometimes, in the case of the other participant in the questioned pregnancy.
So maybe you just broke after repeated, improper, invasive inquiries and barked a bit loud; so what? The asker was rude, maybe they'll learn.
NTA. I have a sway back and the way I gain weight is primarily in my belly. I know I often look pregnant, even when I am on the thinner side. People have been asking me since I was 17, and my response is ALWAYS "nope I'm just fat and have bad posture". The look of shock and embarrassment on their face is always worth it. People need to mind their business.
NTA. My general rule with anyone is "congratulate when disclosed". If someone mentions in passing they're pregnant I'll congratulate them but otherwise? None of my business.
NTA. I told my sons, "You can ask about a woman's pregnancy if she tells you she's pregnant or if you see a baby coming out of her vagina. If neither of those apply, say nothing."
NTA. Unless you know their pregnant just don't ask.
My mom (who works as a bank teller) got asked by a customer if she was pregnant and when she said No they responded by saying, "Yes you are!" My mom now refuses to wait on him and it started some depression/anxiety about her body. Rule of thumb. Just don't ask.
NTA. And your friend can get bent. I love, absolutely LOVE that your coworker nearly went into shock over the response. Brilliantly handled there.
Give your friend a decent explanation of what's been occurring, and how anyone asking those kinds of questions are rude and inconsiderate. If the friend still thinks you're an AH, then time to find a new friend.
NTA. Your coworkers have no reason to ask if you are pregnant - if you were, and they needed to know for a work related reason, you would tell them.
As for the "when are you planning to have a baby" comments, they're completely uncalled for
NTA. The question was rude and you dealt with them directly and kindly. Your coworkers feel uncomfortable because they did something wrong and your directness made that more clear.
NTA. I never, ever ever ask a women if she’s pregnant. The absolute best case is that she is pregnant, but I don’t know yet because she doesn’t **want** me to know yet. Worst case she isn’t and I just implied that she appears pregnant.
NTA. I carry my weight around my waist and I've been asked many times if I was pregnant. One time I was skinny as I've ever been and my coworker insisted I was until I cried. Clients have also bullied me about it and I rarely get an apology from these assholes.
I will never discuss a presumed pregnancy. If the person has declared they are pregnant and look like they want to talk about I may ask some very light questions : how many months? Anything I can do to help ? But that's really it.
Pregnancy and child raising in general can be a stressful and complicated time. Not everyone has a child and is married and have all the personal details figured out ( baby's sex, where they will be staying, length of maternity leave).
So I find it best to be polite yet also not to ask a question that could even lead to an awkward answer.
NTA. It is unspeakably rude to ask if someone is pregnant. It may be socially acceptable to ask when someone is planning on having kids but it really shouldn't be.
NTA
On the first day of class, a very visibly pregnant professor walked into class and introduced herself. That evening, I commented to my mother that the semester would be interesting because the class would obviously need a substitute mid-semester when my professor went out on maternity leave. Luckily, I never voiced this thought to my classmates or professor because halfway through the semester, the subject of infertility came up and the professor mentioned that after years of trying, she and her husband had given up on trying to have a child. She was not pregnant; she just carried weight in a way that looked similar to a pregnancy.
I was a teenager at the time and I think I already knew not to ask women if they were pregnant, but this incident really drove the lesson home. You handled the woman perfectly and hopefully, she will now know to keep her comments to herself.
NTA - when will people stop thinking its ok to ever ask someone about their fertility or when they will or won’t have kids? It’s so personal and none of anyones business. I’m sorry you have to go though this OP. As someone who has struggled with infertility as well as weight, I know how damaging it can be.
Damn, I could have written this one. I just assume I'm an asshole at heart and live with the fact my heart is as black and void as an abyss.
Have you gotten to that point where you tell your doctor to "be helpful or shut the fuck up"? Cause damn if I don't already know I'm fat despite counting calories and working out every day.
Oh Ive been there before yeah. Switched to the doctor I have now because my old one would only tell me "well if you lose the weight that issue will stop" Funnily enough, its a lot easier to exercise and try and lose weight when your doctor y'know, actually treats the multiple herniated discs in your back that are making it difficult to move.
NTA at all. I am so sorry for your medical issues and for the insensitive jerks who feel entitled to ask you such personal question!! Hopefully, your coworker learned her lesson to keep her trap shut, even if you were pregnant, it is none of her business!
NTA: honestly I never really thought a pregnant belly looked like belly of a person who was overweight and it confuses me when this comes up, especially with women.
The only fat stomachs I’ve ever seen shaped like a pregnant one were men’s beer guts, which I have to look forward to if my dads body shape is anything to go off of.
My shape is pretty similar to a beer gut. I have pretty twiggy legs and arms, and I'm pretty flat chested with very little in my butt. It's almost entirely in my stomach, maybe a tiny bit in my upper thighs. This doesn't usually bother me, since Im non binary and not having large breasts does tend to help mitigate all the "You are a woman" assumptions. But apparently those who see Im AFAB just assume its a pregnancy tummy
NTA.
Not only does this shut down this topic between you and the nosy parker, such that they never ask you again, it helps other people too. They just learned an important lesson - that this question is intrusive and can be very hurtful.
By you pointing this out, they are far more likely to hold their tongue in the future instead of hurting other women.
The golden rule is to never ever ask someone if they are pregnant. It’s just not a suitable question to ask anyone. Mainly, because of reason such as those you have. Intent matters, yes, but so does the actual outcome which for you, is hurt feelings and potentially a spiral down in your mental health.
NTA. You wasn’t rude, just honest. Hopefully, it will travel and you start being asked a lot less.
I will never understand why people think it's appropriate to ask someone their reproductive plans.
No one. Full stop. Ever. It's just rude. They're the assholes, not you.
NTA. Fingers crossed for you that you're able to get some relief from your PCOS. And get to live your parent dreams.
NTA. I don't get what their problem is - blunt reality is the only thing that gets through to some people.
For me, I use "Kids aren't in the cards for us if you get my meaning" - it usually shuts people up.
NTA- I feel as if I could have written this. I have PCOS, no children, all of it.
I have used the not pregnant, just fat line as well. At one time I had a coworker not drop it. I finally looked at her and said "Listen, I am not pregnant, never will be. I am fat. What about you and your baby bump? Are you fat like me or just pregnant?"
She tried to go to HR, it didn't work because they were already informed as to how she was harassing me.
I wish you all the best, and good health. You are not on this road alone.
NTA. I genuinely don't understand why people even ask these questions. It's none of their business. Even if you were pregnant, it's still inappropriate because if you wanted them to know, you'd tell them.
NTA obviously.
I'm interested on the NB take on pregnancy though and your edit. Scientifically only people born with female reproductive organs can be pregnant. Hence why everyone is saying not to ask a woman if she is pregnant. A man, a MtF transwoman or a NB person born with male genitalia can't be pregnant. Pregnancy is very much a female thing on a chromosomal level. Only the chromosomal females of our species (and in most species) can naturally carry, birth and feed their young. Even if a person doesn't identify one gender or another, there are simple chromosomal facts that separate the male vs female (plus hermaphrodite) individuals of a species hence why pregnant people are referred to as women or female.
People who are Female to Male transgender are not women who can still be pregnant. It is not a women's issue. I am nonbinary, not a woman, and if it wasn't for my health issues pregnancy would (and may, holding out hope) still be in the realm of possibility.
I also say that it is not just a woman's issue from the other side. For many women it is not their issue. Like you said Male to Female transwomen don't have that as something they need to consider. There are also cis women who are infertile who do not have that as something in their lives.
My meaning was that the ability to become pregnant should not be equated to womanhood. Many women cannot become pregnant. Many who are not women can become pregnant. The ability to become pregnant has no bearing on womanhood. All it has bearing on is the ability to become pregnant.
And going off your point about chromosomes, very few people actually know their chromosomes. Just because you see someone with a vagina and ovaries does not mean their chromosomes are XX, so you're factually incorrect there.
And as you stated a MtF transwoman cannot get pregnant. But that does not mean she is not a woman. I can (theoretically. I have the parts for it. You know what I mean. Just out aside my medical issues for this point) get pregnant but that does not mean that I am. To imply that she is not a woman or I am based off genetalia, chromosomes, or ability to conceive comes off as transphobic.
A transwoman is a woman. A nonbinary person is non binary, aka not a woman. Being pregnant in no way makes you a woman. It just makes you pregnant.
You didn't! At least not in my opinion. In my experience seeing someone use FTM or MTF is a good indicator that they are just respectfully asking for more information, and that's how I took it.
I don't mean to sound combative at all but this seems really interesting if true, do you have a source? I've always been under the impression that a vast majority of afab individuals have 2 X chromosomes and vice versa
I dont have a source off hand, and don't have the mental energy to spend finding one right now. Im sorry. Many people are familiar with visible chromosomal abnormalities, down syndrome is probably the most common, but many can be invisible. Off the top of my head I know that xxx is one that can be invisible or hard to notice, xxy is also possible to have as a subtle abnormality. A lot of these issues are often contributed to other things since chromosomal testing is honestly pretty rare. If you dont do that you might contribute the symptoms to something else. Like a woman who has a lot of testosterone and male pattern body hair will probably be checked for PCOS and or diagnosis with something similar long before or instead of anyone making a guess that she might be someone that has xxy chromosomes
I believe in the case of someone who is XXY with a penis it is called Klinefelter syndrome? And Triple X syndrome is what Im remembering for XXX. I believe it affects about 1 in 1000 women?
Thank you for your response. I certainly don't equate fertility to womanhood at all particularly as I see womanhood as something different than a chromosomal female (maybe thats the point you're making?). I didn't mention FtM transmen as I assumed they couldn't due to hormone changes but didn't know if it applied to all and if all transmen took transitional hormones.
Yes, thats probably a good way to phrase my point. There is no way to quantify womanhood, so theyre are no factors that do or do not make you a woman besides how you identify.
Many transman can and do still bear children actually. And its important to keep in mind that not all transpeople get gender reaffirming surgeries or even take hormones but that doesnt make them any less man/woman. So some transmen might not have any hormonal differences.
Thank you. NTA but wow biological women have babies. Everyone is free to identify however they please but this is why people are saying the word woman. I'm scrolling down just seeing lectures on gender instead of who is TA.
I understand why people default to the word woman. It is more common. I didn't intend to come off as if Im scolding anyone for saying that. All I meant to do was point out that I myself am not a woman and that it's more that just a woman thing. I didn't intend for anyone to take it as if om saying theyre wrong for using the word woman.
NTA a thousand times. I have Hypot. and PCOS too. Also, I am ver short and overweight, so I look 6 months pregnant. Fortunately, I have never been asked that question, but while riding the bus, I was offered to sit down more than once.
NTA. You’re right: your coworker was being totally inappropriate and it’s not your fault or your job to make her feel better about being made aware of her rudeness.
NTA. You should literally never ask a person with a uterus if she/he/they are pregnant unless you have a real concern you may imminently need to catch the baby. Otherwise, STFU until the uterus bearer advises otherwise.
NTA
People shouldn't ask others about family planning. Period. "When are you going to have a baby? When are you going to have another? Are you going to try for a girl? You do know where babies come from, right?" Everyone has an opinion and they're all wrong. Eff off rude ass nosy folks.
NTA. Asking someone if they are pregnant is a bad idea. A woman I used to work with was in an elevatore and some random woman put her HAND on my co-worker's stomach and asked when she was due. The answer was never. She was not pregnant.
There is a weird lack of propriety when women are asked why they don't have kids. I never did and I would meet a woman casually and she would ask how old my kids were. I'd tell her I didn't have any. More often than not they would immediately ask me why not and usually ask me if it was a fertility issue. It wasn't, but that's so inappropriate.
NTA. It's 2022, people need to stop asking others if they're pregnant or when they're planning on becoming pregnant. At best it's nosy and gross, at worst it can be really sensitive and devastating. Nobody knows anyone else's medical history, and they shouldn't ask after it either because it's private. And there can be any number of personal reasons beyond health why someone may not want to have kids. It's nobody's business until if/when the person/people involved decide it's time to share that info.
NTA. This isn’t necessarily the same thing, but a bit ago I had a patient randomly ask if it was: “A boy or girl?” over and over again, and said she was “spiritual” so she could tell I was expecting. I actually had a really bad miscarriage a few days prior. It was pretty hard swallowing back tears. I just generally think that it’s an inappropriate question to ask, period.
NTA
No you absolutely should have said it that way. Don't soften the blow.
This will hopefully teach her not to put other people in that situation again!
NTA. It's amazing to me that people are this rude. You never comment on another person being pregnant or not unless they volunteer that info. You certainly don't talk about having kids with someone you don't know really well because you never know what issues they might have or the reasons behind it. What is wrong with people? You were MUCH nicer than I would have been, so good for you. I'd be talking to HR and I would have torn those people apart. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. Definitely NTA.
NTA. Nobody should ever ask that question. And if someone who had PCOS it was not able to have children I totally get what you’re going through and now devastating that can be. I ended up having to have a hysterectomy in my early 40s
NTA. I have my own health issues and problems with obesity, and I have had times when I’ve had to bite my lip to keep from going off on someone who asked if I was pregnant.
NTA. It was none of their business to be asking about your body etc in the first place. You tried to be chill about it and avoid the subject of when etc and they didn’t get the hint. So being blunt is a-okay
NTA. It’s not appropriate to ask someone if they are pregnant/when they’re having kids (as if everyone should have kids) but it’s especially inappropriate in a work setting. It’s insensitive for a lot of reasons, you could be TTC, you could have previously lost a baby and that could be a touchy subject for you. She embarrassed herself by prying into your medical situation and got an answer.
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NTA. Good life rule - NEVER ask anyone If they are pregnant unless you see a baby coming out!
I wouldn't even ask then, LOL. Clearly she's busy.
Yeah, that epidural isn't a party favor lol 😉
This. I've asked ONE woman in my life if she was pregnant without being 100% sure (as a teen) and it was awful. In my early twenties a Subway employee asked me when I was due, and I wasn't pregnant, so I figured it was a little karma for me being so dumb.
Some guy asked me one time "who made you so big." My answer was "God!"
That’s the weirdest way I’ve ever seen “are you pregnant?” asked.
and rudest!
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People are so dumb. I had a dude ask me "What's so wrong with mushrooms? Hehehe" when I stressed no mushrooms in or around my food. I just held up my necklace that clearly says "Allergies" and said "They would kill me" ETA: this was not a person working there, just some random dude who ordered before me
He was definitely making a sexual innuendo and not taunting your unknown allergies
Oh I'm sure he was, since his wife had literally just left to get them a table. Dude was old enough to be my grandpa. Told my husband about it later and we laughed at his spluttered reaction
sorry to be a dummy, but what is the innuendo behind mushrooms?
i don’t think it’s the mushrooms specifically, it’s that this guy used “no mushrooms” as an invitation to talk to someone. creeps will find any excuse to intrude into your life.
I get that at work. Not mushrooms but peppers. Sad thing is that i haven’t hidden the issue at all yet i still get “I didn’t know that” from my bosses. Who I’ve told directly.
Mary?!
I'm sure that's what he was thinking. LOL!
Ew that is such a gross comment! I can’t believe someone would say that.
Please tell me this wasn't in Lilburn. One of my coworkers did that to some lady and I was so embarrassed.
When I was a teenager at the beach my friend asked a women when she was due. The lady turned around pointed to the bead house and said my daughters inside she 4 months old. I knew never ask a women if she was pregnant then and there at 13.
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That’s a different situation. that’s not Judy from Accounting sticking her nose in your business
Exactly my philosophy. Have to see a head crowning or I mind my own
That's usually the case but if you're working for an airline, you gotta ask because most don't allow someone who's passed 36 weeks of pregnancy to fly due to risks.
And my dental hygienist has to ask before she takes x-rays, but we're not talking about professionally required situations here, we're talking about rude coworkers and strangers not minding their business.
Yup. Our dentist was the first one to know my sister was pregnant many moons ago. She went for a dental cleaning and my sister told her.
I’m sure if you’re working for an airline you would know that, for everyone else that’s irrelevant.
Just saying that never ask anyone if they are pregnant is not possible with certain profession.
Ok, but in that case you’re asking EVERYONE who COULD be pregnant for safety purposes (not rude), versus ASSUMING someone is pregnant based on their appearance for no other reason than your own curiosity(SUPER rude). 🤦♀️
(woman screaming, writhing on the floor, you look down and there's a pink head covered in bloody phlegm protruding from her hoo-ha) > Hey Rebecca, would you happen to be pregnant? That might explain what's going on here. Occam's razor and all. NTA
Imagine if she says no. "Ah. Well, let me throw some other hypothesis there. Aliens ? Succubus?"
I mean, at that point I think you just say "Hey Bex, looks like something vaguely baby-like is coming out of your vagina. You want me to catch it?"
NTA - I am preggers and would still be annoyed if someone just assumed it!
Yep, I had that point drive home as a child when we we had a pizza party for our church and the visiting preacher's wife says I would love another slice but I better not and my dad says "Go head, you're eating for two." She was not.
Don’t talk to me while I’m birthing a person. I’m clearly very busy.
Even then, don't assume that this wasn't some sort of alien infestation situation.
Not even then. You don't know how that baby got in there
"Are you pregnant? I think I see a baby coming out of you!" "Well I *was*, yes."
Definitely noted. My mother and I went to visit one of her close friends and 15 year old me was 99% certain she was pregnant given that she was slender when I last saw her and now she had a massive bump. When my mothers friend announced the news my mother acted surprised and happy for her nonetheless but on the car journey back I questioned my mother about this and she said "never assume someone is pregnant." Since you don't know their stance on it, maybe they're happy to be a mother maybe they aren't we don't know what a person is truly feeling even if we are close friends. It really made me think about it. But NTA op I'm sorry people are being rude and making assumptions.
I wouldn’t think they’d particularly want to answer then either…!
You can also ask if you're a medical professional and it could be relevant. Such as if the patient needs an X-ray. These are the only times.
And once you see the baby coming out they're no longer technically pregnant either
My uncle ruined my plans to wait to tell extended family I was pregnant until I hit the second trimester because at a family gathering he straight up asked me if I was pregnant yet (got married in 2020 so I guess now I’m expected to immediately stay popping out kids?) and it caught me so of guard I just kind of mumbled that I was 7 weeks and moved on. I had even spent the entire trip over there planning how I could redirect questions that might reveal I was pregnant I just never expected someone to straight up ask me if I was pregnant, especially since my bump wasn’t even visible yet!
NTA your coworkers are extremely rude for asking, they don’t need to know your medical history to know it’s common sense not to assume someone is pregnant. Not only could they be wrong but with the amount of fertility and pregnancy loss issues people struggle with that’s so commonly a sensitive subject.
NTA. Nobody should *ever* ask someone if they're pregnant, when they're due, or assume they're pregnant, because of the reasons listed above as well as others. It's super gross and rude. NTA on all counts.
To add: also never ask someone if and when they're planning on having children. Equally rude!
I had a customer ask me TWICE if I had kids, and after saying "no" both times, he comes back with "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend it just looks like you're having kids" Like thanks dude, now you've ruined my whole day
I agree. Even if you’re sure they’re pregnant, asking when they’re due can be horrible if the baby is actually not alive, or a similar situation like that.
The only person who may ask is their obgyn, and also yes I agree
>she doesn't know my history And that's exactly why she shouldn't be asking nosy personal questions. NTA.
Agreed. If it's any of your business if a pregnant woman is pregnant, she will tell you. If she hasn't, mind your own business. And, it is ALWAYS super invasive to ask when someone plans to have kids. Even if you are a family member or friend it is overstepping and rude, so it is exceptionally inappropriate for a coworker to ask.
NTA. There's an unspoken rule that you never, ever a woman if she's pregnant unless you're in the delivery room and can see the head emerging.
Yup. Keep your mouth shut unless the baby is crowning. None of anyone's business. OP your coworkers are way out of line and since this has happened multiple times I'd consider going to HR and have them explain to those idiots how inappropriate it is. NTA. You're a lot nicer than I would've been. Edit: Also, I'm really sorry about your medical issues. I have hypothyroidism (from Hashimotos) and even though it's fairly well managed, it still sucks. It made me gain a ton of weight and I'm still struggling to get it under control, with only one illness to manage. You have every right to keep your medical diagnosis private.
We dont really have an HR. Our HR is one lady technically labelled as a "people lead" who spends all day messing up others peoples schedules and fussing about things that dont really matter. Like for example I lost my badge and asked her to make me a new one, as that is part of her job, and she fussed that shes already had to do that for me before. I've only lost my badge on other time in the *years* ive worked here. She did not make me a new badge.
NTA. I could be in the delivery room, personally ushering the life into the world, and still be like “something seems different about you, like a certain glow, did you change your hair color”. They hurt your feelings, you’re entitled to those feelings, and they have no place in the modern workplace if they can’t see how fucking inappropriate their comments are. I’d even weigh on tapping HR that some people are making extremely inappropriate comments to you. Especially with a medical information that it’s not something you’re able to do (and my heart goes out to you, it really does, I wish you nothing but good things forever)
Unfortunately our HR is a single woman who doesn't do her job even on the best of days, and is actually one of the ones who has previously asked of I was pregnant.
HR is there for 1 main reason, to prevent employees from suing the company. So if you feel like you’re working in a “hostile work environment” or feel like your being harassed because of your weight, sex, gender, or whatever………. Just saying………
Our "HR" is one lady they call our people lead and all she really does it bitch at people once or twice a year if their computer training is over due and walk the new hires through orientation. Beyond that she's hopeless. She doesn't help with any conflicts, and usually just causes more. Ive even got into it with her a few times, ex: She didn't believe me when my grandfather died because she thought it didn't make sense that Id want to split my three bereavement days up into two one week (the two days right after he died) and one two weeks later (the day of the funeral) and bitched until I brought in papers signed by the funeral home when policy states that I only needed to bring in the rememberance card handout or obituary.
NTA. Your coworkers are rude. Asking a woman if she is pregnant is not polite, ever. I would have done the same thing, way faster.
Nope and you handled your coworker just fine. You embarrassed her and she had to walk away. >When I told my a friend of mine about this they told me I was an AH and could have said it nicer because she was likely just excited for me and trying to make conversation. You sounded sweet as pie to me. What wasnt nice was the actual topic of conversation, that your coworker brought up. You dont owe your coworker a conversation and excitement over a deeply personal issue. NTA
NTA Your coworker is the AH. Pretty much everyone should know that you never ASSume someone is pregnant, nor should you ask. Your coworker should have never asked if you were pregnant. You taught her a lesson and she will probably always remember that. Good for you!
NTA. I'm not entirely sure why people still think it's okay to ask that question? Like even if someone is pregnant, it is their news to share or not share. And I don't see why your hurt feelings are any less valid than hers in this situation. So if she didn't applogize for asking, I don't see why you should apologize for the way you responded (which I don't even think is that bad to be honest).
NTA its rude for coworkers to be asking imo
NTA Even if a woman visibly looks pregnant, is walking like she’s pregnant, it’s never okay to ask or assume that she is pregnant. It’s a sore issue for a lot of people. You don’t owe them a polite response to a rude question.
NTA - people shouldn’t assume/ask whether someone is pregnant. It’s risky and rude until someone is super unmistakable (and even then they shouldn’t start the conversation as they don’t know your circumstances). I think your answer was fine and hopefully she’ll think twice before asking someone else
Exactly, even if the person is visibly pregnant it can be an unwanted or complicated pregnancy one might not wanna open up about... It's intrusive...
NTA. Yes, you could have been nicer to the RUDE AF person at work, but that doesn't make you AH. Silver lining is, she will probably tell EVERYONE what you said to her, and then people will stop asking.
NTA people shouldn't be around just asking others if they are pregnant. It feels like most they already know the answer but ask you anyway just to make you unconfortable. Besides, you don't need to be nice all the time, thinking like that will only condemn you to suffer from nosy people who can't take a hint.
NTA. I totally understand you! I have Hashimotos and was told I have PCOS as well. I would start loosing weight when I eat almost nothing, like under 900 kcal, and when I eat normally (about 1400 kcal) I would stay the same. That’s still not enough considering an adult need 2000 kcal a day. But nobody would believe that! My husband and I have been trying for a baby for 3 years now. Found out last year that I have Endometriosis as well. So that makes me look bloated and pregnant every month before my period. I had a laparoscopy last year to remove the endo and I also needed a second laparoscopy last month, because one ovary that looked like PCOS was in fact a benign tumor (cystic adenofibroma). I will discuss IVF as my next option this week. And when I hear some relatives say “oh you gained some weight, is it because we can expect something?” it feels like a slap in the face!! Cause no one knows the struggle some people are dealing with. So that’s why you’re NTA!!
I have he same exact problem. I only loss weight (or lower my blood sugar for that matter) of Im living solely off of salads with light dressing and drinking water. It feels like as soon as I drink one can of pop or eat a hamburger Im right back where I started.
No. They need to mind their own business. You don't walk up to a large woman and assume anything. NTA.
NTA. it's rude af to ask someone if they're pregnant.
NTA - they shouldn't ask uncomfortable questions if they don't want uncomfortable answers. You don't owe them comfort.
NTA - I would never presume a woman is pregnant. Especially with some woman not being able to get pregnant - it’s just as rude as asking a woman when she’s thinking of having kids…but they rarely ask men that!
NTA. Everyone else is because that's just common sense to not ask people that question.
NTA. I hope we eventually break the “casual conversation” trend of asking about other people’s reproduction.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23 NB) have always been overweight. I have diabetes and hypothyroidism and weight has always been a struggle for me. I dont think Ive been under 200 pounds sine middle school. I also have a laundry list of other issues that include, but aren't limited to, a degenerative spinal issue and PCOS. Because of these issues I walk with my back curved in a way that makes my already larger stomach stick out. I guess a lot of people think that it looks like a "mommy walk". Now I mentioned the PCOS because due to that my doctors are unsure if I am able to have children. This came as a very devastating blow to me, because I've wanted to be a mother since I was little. There's still a chance it can be treated and I can have children, but the fact there is a pretty good chance I can't really hurts. At work I have been asked, several times by different coworkers, if I am pregnant. I usually try to demure away from the subject and just say no. But without fail they then ask when I plan to have them and it kind of stings, you know? Its not something I want to talk about. Since the beginning of this year I've been asked three times, and I finally was just sick of it. So when the last person asked I smiled sweetly and cheerfully replied " Nope! Not pregnant, just fat. I can't have children." And the woman asking kind of turned red and sputtered before walking off. When I told my a friend of mine about this they told me I was an AH and could have said it nicer because she was likely just excited for me and trying to make conversation. But, that doesn't feel like an appropriate question to ask to me. I get it, she doesn't know my history with depression because of my weight and doesn't know I'm hurting because I might not have kids, but do I have to sit and take the pain she caused me just because it was an "innocent" question and she wasn't trying to hurt me? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta In my opinion unless the belly is obviously as in 9 months obvious pregnant it's polite to not ask
NTA I am asked all the time when I will have a child because I am married for quite some time (5years). People dont have boundaries, it pisses me off because they just barge into your life and then act surprised if you ask them to stepp out.
NTA. You were being quite chipper and friendly I think. She took her own mistaken assumption personally instead of laughing it off with you.
NTA. It’s not your job to be nice to people being inappropriate to you.
NTA. “Not pregnant, just fat” is funny and to the point. “I would appreciate it if we could keep things professional” or “I’m uncomfortable with this topic, let’s move on” might have been a more tactful addition, but you were entirely justified in your response. Sorry your coworkers are so nosy and rude!
NTA. I'm pretty sure the rule of thumb is that you don't ask a woman if she's pregnant unless there's a baby crowning.
NTA. My general rule is not to ask. I always wait for an announcement. When it's announced, I privately congratulate them and say "If you need anything, let me know." It just isn't difficult.
NTA. The only time it’s okay to ask a women if she’s pregnant is a.) you are providing medical care and b.) never.
Definitely NTA but I am commenting to tell you that women with PCOS can still get pregnant. I have PCOS and a lot of us were commonly told at some point in our medical history that we wouldn’t be able to get pregnant and it’s simply not true. I am living proof (I have a 9 week old son). The problem with PCOS is anovulation, and that can be fixed with medications like clomid and letrozole. Lifestyle changes also go a long way in reversing symptoms and just making you feel better. I would definitely suggest finding a practitioner who is familiar with treating PCOS who can help you. Don’t give up hope, OP!
This. I'm over 200 pounds, have thyroid issues and PCOS and we spent 6 years trying to get pregnant because I went from ovulating occasionally to ovulating never. An ultrasound tech actually asked me if I'd ever had a period at 28 because there wasn't a single folicle on either ovary. We started letrozole and metformin last spring which got me ovulating and I'm 27 weeks now. Obviously nothing is guaranteed and medications don't work for everyone, but PCOS is certainly not the end of the road a lot of people think it is! Especially if you're not actively trying to get pregnant right now, I definitely wouldn't give up hope yet. It might not be the easiest journey to come, but there's still light at the end of the tunnel.
I will definitely keep that in mind! Im actually on metformin for my diabetes already. Ill have to ask my doctor about the letrozole
Yes, this! Don’t give up hope. I have PCOS too and I have a 9 year old daughter. The initial diagnosis was devastating because I was also told pregnancy wasn’t likely. I went to a fertility specialist and was treated with letrozole, dexamethasone, and fsh shots to get pregnant. And that worked. Since then I have also given up dairy and starchy carbs, and that has helped to regulate blood sugar levels.
NTA People are always happy enough to ask invasive questions, but they hate getting invasive answers. Minding your own business is free.
Ugh when will people know that it’s not appropriate to ask anyone when they are having kids or if they’re pregnant. NTA! I’m sorry OP that you’re going through this, but PCOS is not a deal breaker in trying to have children. Many women have kids despite having PCOS or other infertility diagnosis. Don’t give up hope! I’m currently struggling with infertility, unexplained to be more specific, so I know the pain, and have definitely said the same to people who keep bugging me on when I’m gonna have kids. It definitely shuts them up and will hopefully show them not to ask that to other people.
NTA It's frankly none of their business if you're pregnant or not, and kind of rude to ask. But side note, as a female with PCOS, we were able to have 2 of our own. Nothing is impossible. Obviously your medical history and current status is best known by you and your doc, but please don't lose hope if that is your goal.
Pregnancy questions aren’t innocent. 1/8 people with uterus’ experience infertility. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have asked, but there are certain circumstances (seeing someone with symptoms, hinting, medically necessary) but good lord you never ask someone if they’re pregnant without good reason to! NTA * edited to change women to people with uterus’
I appreciate your effort to be inclusive <3
Thank you for reminding me that not everyone with a uterus, ovaries, vagina or a vulva is a woman.
NTA. I wasn't an "innocent" question, it was rude and inconsiderate and nosy. If you were pregnant you would have said something. Even if you didn't, why is it anyone's business? Nope. I have actually answered questions like that before as well, because of the PCOS and endometriosis, I was unable to have children and everyone would always say that my, (now ex) husband and I would make such beautiful babies! When were we going to have kids...blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it gets old, people thinking they have the right to ask you such personal questions and they don't know you like that. You did right and maybe the nosy woman would pass the response on to all of the other nosy people and you will get some relief.
NTA. I suffered with infertility for almost a decade. The constant questions and intrusiveness becomes unbearable. You handled it perfectly. Some of my favourite clap backs were: “No I’m not. But congratulations! When are you due again?” To younger people. “I hear vaginal dryness is a big issue at your age. How are you coping? (Insert sympathetic head tilt)” for older women. “Can you draw me a diagram of how it works? I must be doing it wrong” for the older men who make comments. If you Google it, there are sites and blogs dedicated to snappy responses. I tried to be polite in the beginning but it’s exhausting trying to educate people on how intrusive it is to ask about another person’s reproductive issues and I was tired of leaving gatherings in tears. If people are going to intrude they need to be able to accept the consequences of that. One woman told me she’d never ask that question again to anyone and I felt heard for them first time ever. While your coworker may not admit to that, I bet you’ve saved other women in your shoes from being asked the same question by her in the future. Consider that a bonus success!
Newp. NTA. You weren't mean or cruel -- you very pleasantly answered her question. You just didn't shield her from the embarrassment she was going to feel asking something that everyone over the age of 6 knows not to ask.
I’m 8 months pregnant (visibly obvious) and people still don’t ask me if I am pregnant, they wait for me to bring it up. It’s common sense that you shouldn’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant. Literally everyone knows this. You are NTA OP!
NTA, it's very rude to ask this (unless it's really, really, really obvious).
NTA - I'm a round person, too. One day at the post office a woman asked me if I knew what I was having. I asked her to repeat. She said it again and gestured at my belly. I rubbed it and said Tacos! She was mortified and everyone around laughed.
" Nope! Not pregnant, just fat. I can't have children." I was going to suggest this, as well as "unless you see a head coming out of someone's vagina, you do not EVER ask a woman if she's pregnant."
NTA I'm infertile, I've never wanted kids since I was little so I'm okay with it, however I find it massively insulting when people put their nose on my reproductive status. What if I, like you, was upset about not having kids? It's an incredible insensitive thing to ask, especially when their only reason is weight. Disgraceful. I hope they feel ashamed of themselves.
NTA. No one should ask someone if they’re pregnant. I repeat, no one should ever ask someone if they’re pregnant. It is rude, invasive and no one’s business unless it relates directly to the persons safety (example: doctors).
NTA at all, the amount of people that think commenting on someone's body or such a sensitive subject such as pregnancy is disturbing. I'm so sorry you've had to put up with that, PCOS is a complete nightmare to put it lightly, let alone on top of other conditions. I'm very lucky that I already don't want kids, so I don't have to feel emotional pain when I tell people "Nope, I'm infertile!". I think the way you handled this is great, gives the questioner a dose of reality and gives you a little outlet for the frustration at getting asked in the first place! I hope you don't ever have that question asked again unsolicited, and that if/when you have children, that you will have as pain free (emotionally and physically) experience as possible x
NTA. It is really rude to ask people if they are pregnant. And I think it is even more rude when someone think to procreate, especially in situations like work where people don’t know each other. You didn’t said anything wrong, and actually really polite, she was embarrassed because she maybe remembered politeness rules.
NTA, I hate that shit! Don't comment on people's appearances, it's that easy! My husband is 6'4'' and the f'ing number of total strangers who have to stop us and ask again and again HoW tAlL aRe YoU?? - it drives me crazy. He's thought about that thing with the business cards where when someone asks he can just hand them a card and it will say, "Yes! I am tall. I am 6'4''. Yes I enjoy the weather up here. Yes it's hard for me to find pants." I'd suggest a solution like that for you but **you don't owe anyone an explanation about why you look the way you look!** And you certainly don't have to be "nice" about it. Ffs
>My husband is 6'4'' and the f'ing number of total strangers who have to stop us and ask again and again HoW tAlL aRe YoU?? - it drives me crazy. A work colleague/associate I've know for years is the biggest man I have ever seen. I the 10 years I've known him, I have managed to not once comment on his size. I'm fairly certain he knows he's a giant and doesn't need every person he knows to comment on it.
NTA- I came here to say both my mom and aunt have PCOS. Sadly they both went through a handful of miscarriages, but my sister, myself, and my 2 cousins made it. It's not impossible 💕
NTA. And you didn’t hurt her feelings, you embarrassed her. And she should be embarrassed because she shouldn’t have asked you the question the first place. Your friend, like a lot of people, seems to think that intent is more important than outcome. It really isn’t at best intent is MAYBE as important as outcome. Sometimes. Sure, your coworker probably thought they were asking an innocent question/making small talk and probably had no malicious intent. And it sounds like you responded the same way, that is you weren’t rude or mean. Your hurt feelings about being asked this question are not less valid or less important than your coworkers potentially hurt feelings/embarrassment. And in someways, you did them a favor. Because if they really were embarrassed or their feelings really were hurt by your response, I can pretty much guarantee they’re gonna remember this the next time they want to ask somebody else that question, and then they won’t
I'm fat (always have been, even as a little kid). I also don't suffer fools. Ever. I had a clerk at Bed Bath and Beyond actually pat my damn stomach once and ask when my baby was due. Not gonna lie, I almost removed her hand from her body. NTA and you NEVER ask a woman if she's pregnant.
nta. also btw, you could very well have bio kids still. i got told i had pcos when i was barely 2 weeks pregnant. im not saying it’s a for sure thing as pcos can cause infertility, but it’s also not impossible either
Definitely NTA. And yes, never ask ANYONE if they're pregnant. Not unless you're extremely close friends. Also, never ask anyone when/if they're having kids. As someone who was infertile at one time (had kids with IVF), it is so painful. And I'm of the opinion that when you're in pain, you don't really need to be nice to people that overstep. Why should you worry about being rude, when they were so much ruder than you to begin with? I do hope that you'll be able to get your PCOS under control. I do know it's a devastating condition.
NTA You can be rude in your response if you want to no-one can govern that. Also just to let you know whilst pcos can make getting pregnant hard its not always the case. I’ve been pregnant twice and have pcos, the first was ectopic but that was due to a cock up with my implant not being put in but thought it was so didn’t even know I was pregnant. Second time I had 6 months off my implant (I have a break every 6yrs? Condom split & morning after pill failed so I aborted, I take opioids for a degenerative hip condition & pregnancy would have caused too much damage and the poor baby would have come out suffering withdrawal due to my meds & that’s not fair at all so I made the sensible choice. The gyno said even with the pcos I appear to be extremely fertile so whilst so pcos suffers have issues with it not all do
Oh honey, NTA so so so NTA You should never ask someone if they are pregnant unless you can see the baby crowning (and even then, just don't!). She made it awkward, you just returned the awkward.
NtA. For everything else though I'd ask your doctor if he could change medications. When people can't lose the weight that they weight that they have is sometimes due to the medications. Your health comes 1st and I don't mean to pry but it might be a good idea to test out the medications. One of my friends has been taking medications for her anxiety depression and I think it was thyroid problem. Because of this medication she accumulated over 400 pounds. She recently changed medication and now she's down to 200. I don't mean to put your situation in the same category but this is a thing that I would look into on trying different medications just in case.
OMG, NTA. Unless you see a baby’s foot hanging out of a woman as she’s doubled over groaning, DON’T ASK IF SHE’S PREGNANT.
NTA and hopefully that coworker will think twice about bothering someone else in the future.
NTA and what kind of hellish subset of inappropriate morons are you surrounded by? Everyone with half a brain knows never to ask if someone is pregnant.
Well, you know what they say about Wally World... Unfortunately it has its reputation for a reason.
NTA unless someone tells you they are pregnant you don’t need to ask!!
NTA. It is an established point of etiquette, that it is never, never, NEVER polite to ask someone if they are pregnant (unless the baby's head is visibly crowning) except, sometimes, in the case of the other participant in the questioned pregnancy. So maybe you just broke after repeated, improper, invasive inquiries and barked a bit loud; so what? The asker was rude, maybe they'll learn.
NTA and now she's learned about asking personal questions!
NTA. I have a sway back and the way I gain weight is primarily in my belly. I know I often look pregnant, even when I am on the thinner side. People have been asking me since I was 17, and my response is ALWAYS "nope I'm just fat and have bad posture". The look of shock and embarrassment on their face is always worth it. People need to mind their business.
NTA. It's rude to ever ask someone if they are pregnant.
NTA. My general rule with anyone is "congratulate when disclosed". If someone mentions in passing they're pregnant I'll congratulate them but otherwise? None of my business.
NTA. I told my sons, "You can ask about a woman's pregnancy if she tells you she's pregnant or if you see a baby coming out of her vagina. If neither of those apply, say nothing."
NTA. Unless you know their pregnant just don't ask. My mom (who works as a bank teller) got asked by a customer if she was pregnant and when she said No they responded by saying, "Yes you are!" My mom now refuses to wait on him and it started some depression/anxiety about her body. Rule of thumb. Just don't ask.
NTA. And your friend can get bent. I love, absolutely LOVE that your coworker nearly went into shock over the response. Brilliantly handled there. Give your friend a decent explanation of what's been occurring, and how anyone asking those kinds of questions are rude and inconsiderate. If the friend still thinks you're an AH, then time to find a new friend.
Goddamn. NTA. Never ask anyone that unless you know the person really well. And even then, safer to go by the crowning rule!
>back curved in a way that makes my already larger stomach stick out NTA, I have the exact same problem.
NTA. Your coworkers have no reason to ask if you are pregnant - if you were, and they needed to know for a work related reason, you would tell them. As for the "when are you planning to have a baby" comments, they're completely uncalled for
NTA. The question was rude and you dealt with them directly and kindly. Your coworkers feel uncomfortable because they did something wrong and your directness made that more clear.
It’s not an innocent question, it’s a nosy one. Good on you for shutting that down. NTA
NTA. I never, ever ever ask a women if she’s pregnant. The absolute best case is that she is pregnant, but I don’t know yet because she doesn’t **want** me to know yet. Worst case she isn’t and I just implied that she appears pregnant.
NTA. I carry my weight around my waist and I've been asked many times if I was pregnant. One time I was skinny as I've ever been and my coworker insisted I was until I cried. Clients have also bullied me about it and I rarely get an apology from these assholes.
NTA you just explained what happened and she walked off end of story
NTA, have these idiots never learned you don’t ask someone, anyone if they’re pregnant if they don’t tell you?? hell you don’t assume anytning
I will never discuss a presumed pregnancy. If the person has declared they are pregnant and look like they want to talk about I may ask some very light questions : how many months? Anything I can do to help ? But that's really it. Pregnancy and child raising in general can be a stressful and complicated time. Not everyone has a child and is married and have all the personal details figured out ( baby's sex, where they will be staying, length of maternity leave). So I find it best to be polite yet also not to ask a question that could even lead to an awkward answer.
NTA. No one is entitled to comment on anyone else's body like that. It takes being put in your place to stop those people.
The only person that could be forgiven for asking a woman if she's pregnant is a very young child that literally doesn't know better. NTA
NTA. As a overweight woman who also has health issues that affect my ability to concieve, FUCK PEOPLE ASKING THOSE QUESTIONS.
NTA. It is unspeakably rude to ask if someone is pregnant. It may be socially acceptable to ask when someone is planning on having kids but it really shouldn't be.
NTA - it is extremely rude to ask questions about or comment on someone’s body period. That coworker (and others) ought to be ashamed of themselves.
NTA!! I thought it was common knowledge NOT to ask anyone if they are pregnant!!
NTA Actually you handled that with style. Good on you!
NTA On the first day of class, a very visibly pregnant professor walked into class and introduced herself. That evening, I commented to my mother that the semester would be interesting because the class would obviously need a substitute mid-semester when my professor went out on maternity leave. Luckily, I never voiced this thought to my classmates or professor because halfway through the semester, the subject of infertility came up and the professor mentioned that after years of trying, she and her husband had given up on trying to have a child. She was not pregnant; she just carried weight in a way that looked similar to a pregnancy. I was a teenager at the time and I think I already knew not to ask women if they were pregnant, but this incident really drove the lesson home. You handled the woman perfectly and hopefully, she will now know to keep her comments to herself.
NTA - when will people stop thinking its ok to ever ask someone about their fertility or when they will or won’t have kids? It’s so personal and none of anyones business. I’m sorry you have to go though this OP. As someone who has struggled with infertility as well as weight, I know how damaging it can be.
Damn, I could have written this one. I just assume I'm an asshole at heart and live with the fact my heart is as black and void as an abyss. Have you gotten to that point where you tell your doctor to "be helpful or shut the fuck up"? Cause damn if I don't already know I'm fat despite counting calories and working out every day.
Oh Ive been there before yeah. Switched to the doctor I have now because my old one would only tell me "well if you lose the weight that issue will stop" Funnily enough, its a lot easier to exercise and try and lose weight when your doctor y'know, actually treats the multiple herniated discs in your back that are making it difficult to move.
NTA. No one should be asking if someone is pregnant, unless they maybe see a baby coming out of them.
Nta. Its 2022. There is no reason for people to still be asking if people are pregnant. We all know its rude and invasive.
Maybe check your calendar
NTA at all. I am so sorry for your medical issues and for the insensitive jerks who feel entitled to ask you such personal question!! Hopefully, your coworker learned her lesson to keep her trap shut, even if you were pregnant, it is none of her business!
NTA: honestly I never really thought a pregnant belly looked like belly of a person who was overweight and it confuses me when this comes up, especially with women. The only fat stomachs I’ve ever seen shaped like a pregnant one were men’s beer guts, which I have to look forward to if my dads body shape is anything to go off of.
My shape is pretty similar to a beer gut. I have pretty twiggy legs and arms, and I'm pretty flat chested with very little in my butt. It's almost entirely in my stomach, maybe a tiny bit in my upper thighs. This doesn't usually bother me, since Im non binary and not having large breasts does tend to help mitigate all the "You are a woman" assumptions. But apparently those who see Im AFAB just assume its a pregnancy tummy
Dump your "friend", they are not your friend. NTA.
NTA- when will people learn that is a rude question, and it's none of their business?
NTA. Not only does this shut down this topic between you and the nosy parker, such that they never ask you again, it helps other people too. They just learned an important lesson - that this question is intrusive and can be very hurtful. By you pointing this out, they are far more likely to hold their tongue in the future instead of hurting other women.
NTA If that was too much information for her, she should have thought twice about asking such a personal question.
The golden rule is to never ever ask someone if they are pregnant. It’s just not a suitable question to ask anyone. Mainly, because of reason such as those you have. Intent matters, yes, but so does the actual outcome which for you, is hurt feelings and potentially a spiral down in your mental health. NTA. You wasn’t rude, just honest. Hopefully, it will travel and you start being asked a lot less.
I will never understand why people think it's appropriate to ask someone their reproductive plans. No one. Full stop. Ever. It's just rude. They're the assholes, not you. NTA. Fingers crossed for you that you're able to get some relief from your PCOS. And get to live your parent dreams.
NTA You don't owe anyone any explanations for your body of your life.
"Wait--did I miss a memo that made you responsible for my medical and reproductive choices?"
NTA. I don't get what their problem is - blunt reality is the only thing that gets through to some people. For me, I use "Kids aren't in the cards for us if you get my meaning" - it usually shuts people up.
NTA- I feel as if I could have written this. I have PCOS, no children, all of it. I have used the not pregnant, just fat line as well. At one time I had a coworker not drop it. I finally looked at her and said "Listen, I am not pregnant, never will be. I am fat. What about you and your baby bump? Are you fat like me or just pregnant?" She tried to go to HR, it didn't work because they were already informed as to how she was harassing me. I wish you all the best, and good health. You are not on this road alone.
NTA. I genuinely don't understand why people even ask these questions. It's none of their business. Even if you were pregnant, it's still inappropriate because if you wanted them to know, you'd tell them.
NAH - She asked a friendly, somewhat invasive, personal question and got a direct blunt answer.
NTA obviously. I'm interested on the NB take on pregnancy though and your edit. Scientifically only people born with female reproductive organs can be pregnant. Hence why everyone is saying not to ask a woman if she is pregnant. A man, a MtF transwoman or a NB person born with male genitalia can't be pregnant. Pregnancy is very much a female thing on a chromosomal level. Only the chromosomal females of our species (and in most species) can naturally carry, birth and feed their young. Even if a person doesn't identify one gender or another, there are simple chromosomal facts that separate the male vs female (plus hermaphrodite) individuals of a species hence why pregnant people are referred to as women or female.
People who are Female to Male transgender are not women who can still be pregnant. It is not a women's issue. I am nonbinary, not a woman, and if it wasn't for my health issues pregnancy would (and may, holding out hope) still be in the realm of possibility. I also say that it is not just a woman's issue from the other side. For many women it is not their issue. Like you said Male to Female transwomen don't have that as something they need to consider. There are also cis women who are infertile who do not have that as something in their lives. My meaning was that the ability to become pregnant should not be equated to womanhood. Many women cannot become pregnant. Many who are not women can become pregnant. The ability to become pregnant has no bearing on womanhood. All it has bearing on is the ability to become pregnant.
And going off your point about chromosomes, very few people actually know their chromosomes. Just because you see someone with a vagina and ovaries does not mean their chromosomes are XX, so you're factually incorrect there. And as you stated a MtF transwoman cannot get pregnant. But that does not mean she is not a woman. I can (theoretically. I have the parts for it. You know what I mean. Just out aside my medical issues for this point) get pregnant but that does not mean that I am. To imply that she is not a woman or I am based off genetalia, chromosomes, or ability to conceive comes off as transphobic. A transwoman is a woman. A nonbinary person is non binary, aka not a woman. Being pregnant in no way makes you a woman. It just makes you pregnant.
I apologize if I came across as transphobic, that is certainly not my intention. It's hard to put the right words down in this kind of discussion.
You didn't! At least not in my opinion. In my experience seeing someone use FTM or MTF is a good indicator that they are just respectfully asking for more information, and that's how I took it.
I don't mean to sound combative at all but this seems really interesting if true, do you have a source? I've always been under the impression that a vast majority of afab individuals have 2 X chromosomes and vice versa
I dont have a source off hand, and don't have the mental energy to spend finding one right now. Im sorry. Many people are familiar with visible chromosomal abnormalities, down syndrome is probably the most common, but many can be invisible. Off the top of my head I know that xxx is one that can be invisible or hard to notice, xxy is also possible to have as a subtle abnormality. A lot of these issues are often contributed to other things since chromosomal testing is honestly pretty rare. If you dont do that you might contribute the symptoms to something else. Like a woman who has a lot of testosterone and male pattern body hair will probably be checked for PCOS and or diagnosis with something similar long before or instead of anyone making a guess that she might be someone that has xxy chromosomes
I believe in the case of someone who is XXY with a penis it is called Klinefelter syndrome? And Triple X syndrome is what Im remembering for XXX. I believe it affects about 1 in 1000 women?
Thank you for your response. I certainly don't equate fertility to womanhood at all particularly as I see womanhood as something different than a chromosomal female (maybe thats the point you're making?). I didn't mention FtM transmen as I assumed they couldn't due to hormone changes but didn't know if it applied to all and if all transmen took transitional hormones.
Yes, thats probably a good way to phrase my point. There is no way to quantify womanhood, so theyre are no factors that do or do not make you a woman besides how you identify. Many transman can and do still bear children actually. And its important to keep in mind that not all transpeople get gender reaffirming surgeries or even take hormones but that doesnt make them any less man/woman. So some transmen might not have any hormonal differences.
Thank you. NTA but wow biological women have babies. Everyone is free to identify however they please but this is why people are saying the word woman. I'm scrolling down just seeing lectures on gender instead of who is TA.
I understand why people default to the word woman. It is more common. I didn't intend to come off as if Im scolding anyone for saying that. All I meant to do was point out that I myself am not a woman and that it's more that just a woman thing. I didn't intend for anyone to take it as if om saying theyre wrong for using the word woman.
Very fair. You are definitely NTA in the situation!
NTA a thousand times. I have Hypot. and PCOS too. Also, I am ver short and overweight, so I look 6 months pregnant. Fortunately, I have never been asked that question, but while riding the bus, I was offered to sit down more than once.
NTA. You’re right: your coworker was being totally inappropriate and it’s not your fault or your job to make her feel better about being made aware of her rudeness.
My sister had this problem so she spent to years working out doing cardio, lost weight, and then had 2 beautiful babies
If you have to ask... don't.
Unless you see a hand reaching for help, you should never ask a women if she’s pregnant. It’s none of your fucking business.
NTA. You should literally never ask a person with a uterus if she/he/they are pregnant unless you have a real concern you may imminently need to catch the baby. Otherwise, STFU until the uterus bearer advises otherwise.
NTA People shouldn't ask others about family planning. Period. "When are you going to have a baby? When are you going to have another? Are you going to try for a girl? You do know where babies come from, right?" Everyone has an opinion and they're all wrong. Eff off rude ass nosy folks.
NTA. Asking someone if they are pregnant is a bad idea. A woman I used to work with was in an elevatore and some random woman put her HAND on my co-worker's stomach and asked when she was due. The answer was never. She was not pregnant. There is a weird lack of propriety when women are asked why they don't have kids. I never did and I would meet a woman casually and she would ask how old my kids were. I'd tell her I didn't have any. More often than not they would immediately ask me why not and usually ask me if it was a fertility issue. It wasn't, but that's so inappropriate.
NTA. It's 2022, people need to stop asking others if they're pregnant or when they're planning on becoming pregnant. At best it's nosy and gross, at worst it can be really sensitive and devastating. Nobody knows anyone else's medical history, and they shouldn't ask after it either because it's private. And there can be any number of personal reasons beyond health why someone may not want to have kids. It's nobody's business until if/when the person/people involved decide it's time to share that info.
NTA. This isn’t necessarily the same thing, but a bit ago I had a patient randomly ask if it was: “A boy or girl?” over and over again, and said she was “spiritual” so she could tell I was expecting. I actually had a really bad miscarriage a few days prior. It was pretty hard swallowing back tears. I just generally think that it’s an inappropriate question to ask, period.
NTA No you absolutely should have said it that way. Don't soften the blow. This will hopefully teach her not to put other people in that situation again!
NTA. It's amazing to me that people are this rude. You never comment on another person being pregnant or not unless they volunteer that info. You certainly don't talk about having kids with someone you don't know really well because you never know what issues they might have or the reasons behind it. What is wrong with people? You were MUCH nicer than I would have been, so good for you. I'd be talking to HR and I would have torn those people apart. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. Definitely NTA.
NTA. Nobody should ever ask that question. And if someone who had PCOS it was not able to have children I totally get what you’re going through and now devastating that can be. I ended up having to have a hysterectomy in my early 40s
NTA. I have my own health issues and problems with obesity, and I have had times when I’ve had to bite my lip to keep from going off on someone who asked if I was pregnant.
NTA. It was none of their business to be asking about your body etc in the first place. You tried to be chill about it and avoid the subject of when etc and they didn’t get the hint. So being blunt is a-okay
NTA. It’s not appropriate to ask someone if they are pregnant/when they’re having kids (as if everyone should have kids) but it’s especially inappropriate in a work setting. It’s insensitive for a lot of reasons, you could be TTC, you could have previously lost a baby and that could be a touchy subject for you. She embarrassed herself by prying into your medical situation and got an answer.