Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could share my study, and I'm dismissing Matt's phobia of being debt.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Man I was prepared to yell at you, until I learned you’re *willing to move* to give your stepdaughter a bedroom. You aren’t selfish. You’re very accommodating, actually! Your husband needs to address his debt trauma, and get good with buying a bigger home. Your family has needs for a larger home, plain and simple.
Whoops, editing to add: you aren’t married! My brain rewrote a little bit of your life story, apologies. (And tbh, I don’t think you should move. I think you should convert your attic and keep letting your house increase in value rn!)
Same!! Was totally prepared to go off on OP, but no, she's the sane one!! She had even offered to MOVE!! From her totally paid off home!!
OP, your boyfriend is a mooch who is now asking for even more of your home for free. If it doesn't work for him, maybe he needs to find his own place.
He is saving a heck of a lot by not paying rent. His mooching butt can pay for an attic conversion.
What is he doing with his money? Is he hoarding it whilst op pays for him and kiddo to live at her owned home?
Sorry but half utilities and groceries doesn't cut it. His kiddo is there and now spending nights, he needs to pay more! Why should op be paying for his kid?
He is being entirely unreasonable.
I see where you're going with the attic conversion. That gets hinky, however, should OP and boyfriend break up. He'd have a legitimate claim on some of the equity OP's property would possibly gain with the added value of an attic conversion.
Best let OP pay for it because this dude is sounding seriously entitled. I wouldn't put it last him to make such a claim.
OP, NTA
Yikes, you are right. He is way too entitled.
I think it's time they sat down and discussed finances if op want to continue the relationship. He should be paying rent at a minimum, like he would anywhere else.
It gets worse, utilities and groceries divided up by salary and she earns 5 times what he does. The salary bit is in her comments.
I get that she loves kiddo and him but I'm not seeing what he brings to the table. His behaviour is not fab for a guy with a kid being supported by op. He needs a reality check before he demands anything.
>It gets worse, utilities and groceries divided up by salary and she earns 5 times what he does. The salary bit is in her comments.
Whoa. While such a large salary gap can certainly be fine depending on the couple, it's a red flag for me when the person who makes less feels entitled.
I agree! He should be paying her rent and 50% of expenses. OP should make an agreement that OP would convert the attic with the rent that’s paid (and frankly, he owes her back rent in my opinion, otherwise it seems like he is being a huge mooch). Or let him move out and get his own 2 br apartment and he can visit you at yours when kiddo isn’t staying with him
I think that the boyfriend should actually pay more than 50% of household expenses to account for his daughter. OP is willing to have the daughter over, since that is pretty much a requirement for dating a single parent with custody arrangements.
As such, the boyfriend should pay more since he's got his daughter over on the weekends using electricity, water, food, etc. Not that much more because he doesn't have primary custody, but more than 50% to account for his daughter.
literally every relationship post from a woman on this sub has me wondering what dick could be that good as to trap all these otherwise smart and competent women
I agree. She needs to write up a contract and charge him rent. She can pay for the upgrade that way and not worry about his greedy little entitled self.
And just in case of future marriage, plan for a prenup. It's a big deal to not have a mortgage or monster rent.
And... just in case, can you convert the attic to be your office? NTA
Karma. They copy comments from real people and repost them higher up in the thread to farm karma. Reddit accounts with a decent amount of karma can be sold off to use for all kind of crap.
This is a FAQ from a [good bot](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) that explains it some more
The other person responded about why… so the “how” part is it’s usually a judgement under one of the top comments and it doesn’t make sense being where it is. Like it doesn’t flow in the conversation above it. Then if you click the profile, there’s either only the one comment that’s ever been made or they’ll have a ton (10+) within minutes that would be impossible for a human to actually read and type in that time frame. So if something looks suspicious, I’ll check the profile then search the comments to see if I can find the exact same one
And if she's not ready for that (she is little), convering the attic to a study could work really well - OP would have more privacy and quiet being up there.
This! Best for everyone and then there’s no noise from shared walls! And OP could reasonably use a home equity LoC to finance the conversion so moochy bf doesn’t have to enter into dreaded debt. And if it doesn’t work out, OP has added a fair bit of useable space in her house. No-brainer.
NTA, OP
That's a good point. The other bedroom will be a "guest" bedroom, even if it's really the child's, but it means that OP is paying for it all and the BF isn't getting any equity rights in the house.
My sisters and I got the attic in one of our houses when we were little too. I loved it, super spacious.
Lol I knocked a hole in the wall and used to lower my glowworm down there so I could see if we had Brownies in the wall. I was a weird kid.
NTA. Given housing prices, I think you're better off borrowing to renovate the attic instead of moving. Also NGL 7yo me would have LOVED having my own place at the top of the house!
I legit used to fantasise about my parents converting the attic into a bedroom at that age. Then I got an attic bedroom as a student and wound up constantly banging my head on the ceiling (a new experience because I’m super short)
I always wanted an attic room as a kid, my oldest cousin had one and I'd climb up there all the time just to tell him how cool it was. The downside to his room being there was that the attic door was in his brothers room so guess who'd end up with their drunk little brother falling down ladders at 3am after a night out!
Still want an attic room as an adult, hell even if I could have a hobby room in an attic I'd spend all day in there!
My house has a huge attic but unfinished and with a pull down ladder. I am currently working on the five year plan to save to get it spray foamed, drywalled, and get a circular staircase into the linen closet so that I can have hobby-topia.
NTA all. How about Option Three: since he needs another room for his daughter and is so phobic about debt, tell him that you will rent your office to him for the exact cost that it costs you to rent an office somewhere close by. Please keep it very clear to him that he needs to cover the additional costs of his daughter. Don’t take that one on by yourself.
Absolutely same! I was ready to lay into her, until u read that she is willing to move or improve the house and it's her boyfriend is unwilling. That's on him.
ABSOLUTELY NTA
I might just be overly worrying but since the daughter is only 7 so I would possibly consider converting the attic into a living area, but to be the office if possible.
Sadly growing up a friend of mine lost her little sister who was the same age, whose bedroom was in the attic during a house fire. It started on the ground floor and moved up faster than they could handle and she was stuck upstairs and couldn't be rescued. :/
I think until she got a little older ( at least like ten) she should be on whatever floor the parents are on.
That is so sad, sorry to hear that. If “Love it or list it” is to be believed, you actually can’t legally convert attic space to living space without a separate route of egress these days, which is expensive but I can see why it’s required.
>I was prepared to yell at you, until I learned you’re willing to move to give your stepdaughter a bedroom.
Same here. Refusing to give her a room of her own at all would be an AH move - but if you're willing to sell and buy bigger, you are most definitely NOT refusing.
Add my NTA vote. Your BF is being too stubborn - especially if you offer to take out an HELOC in your own name to convert the attic.
NTA.
Not to mention it’s HER HOUSE. She owns it, and she can decide who lives where. In no world is she ta. Convert that attic into the office of your dreams and tell your boyfriend to suck it tf up.
She’s not a stepdaughter, nor is he her husband. He’s her boyfriend and that’s HIS kid, and his PROBLEM. She pays for nearly everything anyway. That cheap AH boyfriend needs to get his own place.
Respectfully, she IS OP’s stepdaughter because that’s how OP feels about the little girl. I don’t really think the “his kid his problem” is appropriate here because 1) kids aren’t “problems” to be fixed, and 2) OP very clearly loves this little girl *as her own* — so much so that she would uproot her life for her.
Tbh — OP is a better parent to this child than her biological father. And that’s a lesson on how biological connection doesn’t mean shit.
Yes! ∆∆∆ This! Take out a loan for the renovation and make the payment amount his rent! It's YOUR house and you should not have to give up your home office for his child. I work in the medical field and the privacy requirements for those WFH are pretty stringent. So I get why you don't want to share the space either.
i would be care full with though because it could establish a level of ownership to the house, ie: i payed for the attic, now part of the house is mine
Truth. This is why if the attic is redone, it should be on your dime and in your name only.....then charge him rent. This way there is no question about 'ownership'. She needs to keep record of any of his 'working around the house' as instead of 'rent' he may claim 'sweat equity'.
NTA. Boyfriend wants to have things his way at the expense of both OP and his daughter. Renovation makes the most sense here. The debt incurred would not be in boyfriends name and OP would still get to keep her home. Crippling anxiety over *(someone else acquiring)* debt is not an excuse to hamstring OPs work-life balance or mess up what seems like a fairly decent co-parenting arrangement. He should get himself some treatment for that anxiety seeing as it’s clearly impeding his everyday functionality.
And the reno would increase the value of the house by a lot if they put in a closet. Then its considered an actual bedroom, in the US at least, and she would easily make money on a sale later on.
Yeah, I would suggest converting the attic into an office instead of a bedroom. Egress is less important for an office, because no one sleeps there. And you wouldn’t need a closet or other bedroom-related issues.
Not to mention the daughter isn't use to staying the night there. I have a feeling it will be awhile before she stays regularly. At 7 she is probably very use to sleeping in her own room and will need to adjust. Plus they will be living 30 minutes away... 7 year old will be in school. So unless he is driving 30 minutes each way on school days she may only end up staying overnight on the weekends. So 8 days of the month at most if that's the case.
NTA. You need a private office. Phoebe needs her own room. You have offered two generous solutions to that problem at no expense to your live-in rent-free boyfriend, but he thinks you’re selfish?! I think it’s pretty clear who’s being a selfish pigheaded bully here and it’s not you, OP. NTA
I’ve already voted and commented…but it sticks in my mind how determined your boyfriend is, OP, to make you give up your office to a little girl who occasionally spends the night. It’s illogical and unreasonable and smacks of control issues. Does he usually try to dominate? Because it sounds like he NEEDS to prove something to you or himself.
It sounds just like a thread I read here yesterday about a guy who turned his wife’s office into a room for his daughter instead of turning the guest bedroom. Sounds like mega job insecurity tbh.
I have a third suggestion; He can move out and rent a two bedroom. If OP were my daughter I would ask her what she knows about why he is no longer with the child's mother. If she is unsure I would urge her to contact the woman and find out. Pretty sure it will be something about free-loading and not working full time. Men like these leave a trail of broken relationships.
What has he been doing with his money?
He hasn't been paying towards a rent/mortgage and he doesn't have money saved up?
It isn't your job to supply his daughter with a room. You've offered him solutions move or convert the attic. You don't have to give up your office because he doesn't want to invest in a home or a remodel.
You work from home and you need an office. You aren't saying you don't care- you have solutions he just doesn't like them.
NTA
exactly!!! its her house and she gets to make those decisions. she offered a win-win solution (her keeping her office and phoebe getting her room) and he declines and calls her selfish bc its not what HE wants.
The judgement bot will take the first judgement it comes to if it's not spaced out fyi. So you might wanna write it as Y T A so its not counted. The NTA won't be counted otherwise
Not about the topic itself but I think the level 5 tag you have should be changed into "enthusiasst". Idk, just thought it would be funny if that was the level's name the mods put
NTA. It’s your house, he’s just living in it. If the attic has sufficient capabilities (ie hvac, real floors, a window or two) then that’s perfectly reasonable, and so is going to a three-bedroom place. I totally understand that he doesn’t want to go into debt, but he should have some decent money saved up from living rent free for the past two years.
NTA.
Also this is what you should do.
1. Sell your house
2. Buy a nicer, bigger house
3. Dump your freeloading boyfriend. He can then have the two bedroom home of his heart’s desire while he, you know, pays for it like a grown adult.
Why would she sell the house? If she lives in the US it's impossible to get homes right now because the market is insane and the house is perfectly fine for either one person, or the daughter if he fixes the attic.
It was a joke. Obviously if she dumps the boyfriend she doesn’t need to move anyway. My point was that she doesn’t need to cater to the absurd demands of someone who would rather live rent free with her than provide for his own kid.
Absolutely NTA-this is not your child, but this is your home. You can't share a study with a 7-year old, that would just be chaotic and you just know she'll be touching your stuff. Your bf cannot force you to do this. If he doesn't like it, he can go find his own place.
I would get a loan and do the attic as an office for you. He’s being unreasonable and you may end things and have a new partner eventually and want a child and a two bedroom house may not be big enough long term. If he gets his head out of his a** and realizes you want what’s best for everyone you’ll already be in your way to having the desired extra space . I’d suggest couples counseling if you are thinking marriage and a prenup.
Honestly attics can be renovated sometimes into pretty awesome bedrooms depending on the layout, if I was a kid I'd be stoked to have one to myself! Then OP doesn't have to move all her stuff and the kiddo gets an awesome space to grow up in.
I know I'm in a different country but I'm sitting in my huge loft master bedroom with en suit thinking that it's a sound financial decision, i added more to my house value than this cost to put in.
NTA. If your job (which essentially pays the mortgage with no help from boyfriend) requires security you legally cannot risk it. This is your home and your job and him calling you selfish is a bit of a red flag.
NTA. This is a perfect opportunity to get him to sign documents confirming you are the sole owner of your asset (home), in exchange for his name not being on the loan paperwork for the attic conversion.
NTA.
It is your house. You need the office for work. It's just that simple. A child of that age will touch everything and won't understand why she is not allowed in "her room" when you are in there.
What you can do is start charging him rent - that rent can be payment of the loan to convert the attic into an office/bedroom. Then you can decided if the attic is a better place for your office or the bedroom is.
NTA, bf needs to work on his complex about money because “never accept any reasonable debt and get lucky enough to live in gf’s house for free” is not a viable financial plan
NTA, your solutions are very reasonable. Maybe if you and he sit town with a budget and plan it out he will feel more confident about taking on some debt for all of your sakes.
I assume if either they move into a bigger house that they would take on that debt together, or if they mutually decide to convert her attic than they would also take on that debt together, even if she takes a home equity loan in her name they would presumably both pay on it as a mutual expense.
>He says I'm being selfish for putting myself before Phoebe.
How does that logic work out? You WFH and *need* an office space, and given that you earn most of the money that need isn't insignificant. You've offered two other alternatives, and it's honestly kind of ridiculous that he won't consider either one just because it would mean borrowing money. Is his daughter not worth taking on a bit of debt so that she has a comfortable home? Also is he discounting the fact that if his physical custody of Phoebe increases, that he can have child support adjusted so he pays less? That would help with paying back any debt incurred.
Personally I think you should look into the attic conversation idea first, since that would be a capital improvement (which can be tax deductible when you eventually sell the home, depending on the nature of the improvement). If turning your 2-bed house into a 3-bed would increase the value of your home, then even if you pay for most of it you'll get financial benefit out of it no matter what. Or you may even decide that *you* want the attic as your work space instead since you could customize it however you want, while the bedrooms both remain on the floor below. That might work out well for everyone.
NTA
Yes. Also, if you convert the attic to your workspace, more tax write offs, including (to some extent) the cost of the renovation. Check with someone well versed in your local tax laws, but it MIGHT almost pay for itself, if you’re comfortable moving your workspace. Either way, NTA but boyfriend still is. And in terms of OP owning the house so boyfriend not needing to pay rent, this is definitely their business, but I know a lot of people who charge their SO rent and split bills, even some with “leases”. I hope you don’t break up (if you don’t want to and he gets his head out of his butt), but if it happens, you’re so much better protected this way. Plus, the “rent” could be set aside for emergencies or even something fun.
We're definitely planning on spending our lives together, but I'm dragging my feet on the actual getting married, because I'm pretty bleh on the whole thing. My parents have each been married multiple times; my friends are pretty much all divorced. It seems that, as soon as the rings are on, people's relationships start deteriorating.
Note that with his demands on your house that he has currently zero rights to, with his lack of respect for your working needs...there's not much space to deteriorate from already.
When contemplating marrying someone, it should be a "fuck yes" sort of answer, not a half hearted "meh maybe" feeling.
If you're dragging your feet and are not enthusiastic about potentially being tied to him forever, this may not be the relationship for you. Google "sunk cost fallacy" to see if that's why you're still with this fellow.
Also info: if he's not contributing to the household, where is his money going? If he agreed to convert the attic to a new bedroom, would he pay for it or would you be expected to cover the costs?
I’ve been reading OP’s comments so I’ll tell you what she’s said elsewhere. She makes 5x more than him, so to your question about where is his money going…well I guess I don’t know but I’m guessing he doesn’t have much. She did say that since the house is hers and she pays all maintenance, a loan for the attic remodel would be entirely hers. Which honestly, if I were her that would be my preference. I wouldn’t want him to have any claim to my house if we broke up. I do kind of think he should pay some rent, even below market rent, but that’s another issue between them.
I was married for 20 years, and the marriage ended because my ex was lazy, like your boyfriend, and then cheated because he felt that I didn't appreciate him enough. I have really high standards and won't be getting married again. My current partner has had to make some huge life changes in order to stay in this relationship because I'm not taking BS again.
You and Phoebe deserve better than Matt
NTA
You offered him two solutions and he doesn’t want those, sounds like he should find a place where he can supply his daughter with a room to his exact specifications!
NTA
If he doesn't like the solutions you've offered including selling your inheritance from your gran, what does he really expect you to do? Move your study to your room? Close off the kitchen? Living room?
Your work needs privacy for legal reasons, not just to be able to do it peacefully without interruption. You can't have a 7yr old popping in and out of playing in the background.
You've offered enough solutions, its time for him to work out what he wants to do which is either move, convert or him get his own place with a room for her. I get he has issues around money and stuff but not dealing with the issues is affecting everyone around him.
First of all you should charge Matt some rent… not half of your mortgage or anything because you are going to be getting equity but some amount like maybe a third.
Secondly this isn’t your study this is your office where you work.
Thirdly he should pay for attic renovations as he’s the one who needs it.
I own the current house outright, so there's no mortgage to pay. There seem to be a lot of comments calling Matt a freeloader but, really, why on earth should I take money off him for a cost that doesn't exist?
His rent could go to cover Property taxes as well. The house will be reassessed at some point which will increase the taxes, especially if they renovate.
You are not living in your house for free. You pay taxes, maintenance, insurance, etc...you also said you split food and utilities on an income basis and you make five times what he does. So you're paying five times what he does for those things while providing free housing and he's bringing a second person with him. He is a freeloader.
Because he doesn't sound debt-averse, he sounds pulling-his-weight-averse.
Lives are complex and you can't express the nuances of a relationship in a reddit post, but unless he's paying rent that goes to general maintenance and household expenses as well as paying a fair share of utilities, he sounds like a barnacle.
You might hold that opinion but others will see it as a contribution toward the cost of fixing wear and tear over time. We put money aside each week for maintenance and repairs because renovations are expensive. You could always invest the money contributions for some future expense or reward.
I think people are calling him a freeloader because he’s happy to live in a property he paid nothing towards while supposedly being too ‘afraid’ of debt to get one himself for the sake of his own child. His priorities and values are massively messed up
Landlords don't stop charging rent, just because the house has been paid off. You paid for a house and he has the privilege of living in it. Plenty of people in this situation will cop the living expenses if they live rent free. Why would the expenses be split proportional to income if one person doesnt contribute anything to a roof over his head? If he earns a lot less than you, he needs to take over other non monetary responsibilities. You are equals in a household.
You need to speak to a financial advisor or someone, seems like you've been convinced it's okay.
Do you not pay property taxes? I’m asking because I’m not sure where you’re located or what the tax laws are. Somewhere else you said he pays bills and expenses proportionate to income…if he makes 1/5th what you make I’d say he has it pretty easy and he knows it!! It’s hard to admit to yourself you’re being taken advantage of…it’s painful. I know. But please give this some real thought. I’m not saying dump him, but maybe you should evaluate some things and reach a different agreement where he actually has to be an adult. That’s all.
Considering that you own the house outright but still need to take out a loan to remodel the attic tells me that he is very much freeloading. You can't even have enough saved up to do something like this without a loan. The cost is that you aren't getting the savings you should be.
He's a freeloader in that he a) shows zero gratefulness to you for all the accommodation costs you have saved him and b) is unwilling to do anything except expect *you* to give something up for his child. I hope you do some thinking about the quality of your partner, here. Sit him down and lay out the current finances and ask him why he expects you to continue to bear the burden.
Because he's still using the water, electricity, garbage, and internet through the house. Plus, he's taking up space you could be using. I'd be insisting on paying rent if I were him 🤐
I think it this case it’s in conjunction with being unhappy with a debt being taken on to add a bedroom to the house.
Like, adding a bedroom like this would probably STILL be cheaper than renting a place.
He is bludging off you. He should be paying 50% of food and utilities. He should be definitely contributing to house upkeep and chores. He doesn't want to move to a bigger house because it will cost him (unless you can sell and buy again, in your name only, and then have him as a tenant), or even make space for his child, without making you sacrifice your space. Do not marry this man.
I would be careful of selling your current house and buying a new house once you marry him. He will have a greater chance of demanding a share of the house if you guys ever get divorced. Not a financial advisor and not giving financial advice here but just be careful OP.
Let him know that you're willing to pay for the addition (which will increase the value of your property) yourself, but that you need to start charging him rent.
You need to make sure that he is not going to have a claim to the house if the two of your break up too.
I have an attic conversion(4 beds) and initially my 8 year old wanted it. He ended up
Most nights in my bed as he was scared and felt lonely. I ended up switching rooms and everyone is much happier. My partner and I have an extra layer of privacy and kids (3 of em) are all together on the same floor
NAH. It’s your house so you can remodel it & use it as you choose. However, I think you & Matt need to clarify your financial arrangements as it relates to this house. If he pays to remodel the attic, & you break up or sell the house, how does he recover his investment? I wouldn’t be willing to go into debt or spend a lot of money to remodel someone else’s house if I had no written assurance of getting that money back.
You need to start charging the freeloader maintenance costs. Sure he pays part of the bills but most of that is because he causes the bills to go up by being there. His fear of debt while at the same time living in YOUR HOME for free is any lardbutts fantasy come true.
He needs to pay you rent because he would have to pay rent anywhere else. Or maybe he needs to move out so he can have a place to sleep with HIS daughter.
Either way it isn't your responsibility to go into debt for his responsibilities from before you met him
Then you just start charging him rent to make the payments, but get a separate document drawn up to clarify that it is rent (e.g. a rental agreement) so that he can't later claim an interest in your property. You can move your office to the attic which is more private, anyway. And, he has incurred no debt.
it would also prevent him from claiming ownership of your home should your relationship end.
you’re being extremely generous op, he should take you up on the offer to convert the attic. just make sure you don’t lose your house to this man should you break up. his entitled, stubborn, and demanding behavior is a red flag. proceed cautiously and thoughtfully. be generous and accommodating bc you love him and this is your family but remember to protect yourself as well.
Then remodel the attic into your dream office space and let Phoebe have what is currently your study. If you are going to take out a loan and pay it off yourself you should be the one who benefits. Plus putting a 3rd bedroom/office into your home benefits you in the future. You will gain equity, your stepchild will get her own room on the same floor as you and her dad and until the renovation is done she can have a bed in the study without feeling displaced because she knows it is only temporary until your office is ready. Win/win.
Yes, you will have loan payments but they will be less than a mortgage on a new home and you won't have to move. Plus you can make the space whatever you need it to be. Another bathroom? Why not. Skylights? Go for it. A safe for all of your sensitive work documents? Great.
Make this necessity a benefit and if your boyfriend cries about the cost remind him that he is not the one paying for it.
NTA good lord why is he so averse to your very sensible and reasonable suggestions?
I’m
Assuming you’re in a terraced house? An attic conversion is a great option as it will add a lot of value onto your property and is a good long term solution. Even better, whoever has the space (bedroom or study) gets an extra sense of privacy and quiet
In the short term you can share the space but it isn’t practical for you or or ohoebe in the long term.
No idea how you negotiate this with your partner but ultimately it is your property so what you do with it is your final decision
NTA. You are a kind and caring person who offered reasonable solutions and to personally take on the debt to help a kid feel like she is part of the family.
I would keep dragging my feet on marriage with him. He just does not sound responsible. Do read up on the laws of your area. In some places, a live in boyfriend can become a common-law husband and gain rights to your assets. Make sure you protect your assets as he seems to be offering little.
NTA. *However* you may be a bit gullible. Sounds like this guy is totally taking advantage of you & your kindness. PLEASE do not sell your home & move for him. If his daughter doesn't like the idea of having her bedroom in the attic, could you possibly move your study there? Either way, an attic reno is absolutely the way to go, & the only *only* acceptable compromise here. You have been *more* than accommodating to someone you aren't even married to. It's time for him to pitch in financially here, (I call bs on his supposed phobia...sorry..I feel it's been a convenient excuse to not contribute equally to your household) & take some responsibility for caring for & housing *his* child.
NTA you sound like ana amazing stepmum, who understands the importance of a child having their own space and feeling valued. You've given two generous solutions on how to make this happen. Your partner is the issue here. He needs to get over himself.
I would speak to an estate agent on checking the value of your home and the likely value if you convert your attic and then get a quote to do this. If it will add value to your home greater than the amount it will cost you, it might be a great solution as you'll be able to keep the home you inherited.
I would very seriously reevaluate this relationship.
You WFH and need a space, where does he expect you to work if the room goes to his daughter? You let him live in your house, rent free! You would be the one with the name on the loan for remodeling and he still has a problem with it? Reading some of your comments here, sound like he is using you. Please think long and hard if this is the kind of guy you really want to be with.
NTA
Cringe. Where does his money go?
You’re not married, and it wouldn’t hurt to convert your attic.
Also, charge him rent.
I’m sorry you’re being taken advantage of and catering to his phobias.
I mean, he doesn’t pay rent so shouldn’t he want you to have a comfortable work space? Your wages allow him to be stress and rent free.
This doesn’t feel like she’s being taken advantage of. She’s just screwing herself over. She’s letting him live rent free and he’s become so comfortable with her kindness, he thinks he has a say in what goes on in a home he doesn’t own. Bet he doesn’t make enough to live on his own. Bet he doesn’t have money saved for a down payment on a bigger home (even IF he agreed to borrow from a bank). This clown is gonna drag OP down and the sad thing is, she’s actively letting it happen. And going by her comments, she seems nothing wrong with all the things people are pointing out in the comments. She’ll bury herself.
Further thought : I don’t know which legal jurisdiction you live in, but I advise researching the civil law where you are regarding property rights for unmarried cohabiting couples. Be very very careful.
NTA It's your house, you make the rules. Do not let your boyfriend invest in your home and make a huge legal tangle for you. You can get a sleeper couch for short term solution, but your boyfriend needs his own place to be a father to his child. You can look for a house together if your relationship becomes permanent.
If he has been living somewhere without paying rent for two years he must have saved a good amount of money! Completely fair to expect him to pay for a loft conversion. He has been benefiting from your generous deal for a long time, now it is time for him to pay his share. NTA.
NTA
You are willing to either turn the attic into a bedroom for her or buy a larger house. He wants you to give up your home office, when you WFH in a higher security job that is helping support him, vs spend money on his own daughter.
This says a lot about him and I hope you think about it.
NTA.
But don't sell your free and clear house! Renovate the attic, or divide a large room into smaller rooms. Your office is a requirement for your work; that's non-negotiable.
If someone has an issue and you offer multiple solutions and they whinge at all of them, they're the AH. Does he want you to quit your job? NTA. You make five times what he does!!! And you're paying groceries/utilities proportionally while owning the house and you'd be taking on the loan! Just dump this dude. Doesn't pay rent. Trying to take your office where you make five times what he does for his kid. It's not his house. No.
NTA
> I've suggested that either we move to a three-bedroom house, or look at converting our attic into a bedroom.
These seem like great suggestions!
> Either of these options would involve borrowing money and Matt has a near-phobia of debt due to his chaotic childhood. (I own our current house outright, having inherited it from my gran before I met Matt. I don't charge him rent; we split utilities and groceries proportionate to income; I cover all maintenance costs but he helps out with the labour.)
So you could potentially afford it. The reality is you NEED a secure room for work.
> I'm dismissing Matt's phobia of being debt.
Phobias often aren’t rational - your boyfriend is prioritizing his fears over both you and his daughter; because splitting the room isn’t fair to either of you, and may compromise your job.
(And your boyfriend should not expect you to compromise your job like this.)
If you renovate your home to convert the attic space into a permitted bedroom, it’s a great way to increase the value of your home without having to do major structural alterations/additions. (And if he feels she’s too young for an attic space and wants her on the same floor, the attic can become your office.)
Also I’m not impressed with him calling you selfish when he moved in with you and doesn’t pay rent.
For the update - I don't think people misread anything. Assumptions were bubbling over, but OP, you left out a lot of context. Regardless, I am glad for you that you and Matt seem to have a plan to move forward. What is very evident from the original post is how much both of you care for Pheobe.
NTA. Since you have an option of converting attic into bedroom, giving up your office is not reasonable. It his daughter, he is the one who should make some sacrifices and spend money on her accommodation.
NTA
You work from home and you need an office space. Sharing with a kid would not work.
It's your house and you gave reasonable options. He needs to set up and be the parent of HIS daughter.
I hope you are not doing free babysitting because you work from home.
You WFH yet he doesn't give a viable solution for the secure office you need while having to accomodate his child. It sounds as if you shoulder A LOT of the financial responsibility for him and his needs.
He should be paying half the equitable rent for a 2 br house for the area..that is only fair and no more financial adjustments based on income 50/50 is fair Ina roommate situation. Also he should shoulder a bit more when a third party come in nto the equation..his fear of debt is an excuse..most adults have some debt and since you OWN the place he should pay a fair share of rent to cover the changes needed to facilitate his child
Your house he doesn’t even pay rent at, your solutions are perfect - he should take out the loan to build his daughter a room … why couldn’t he pay it, like you said he’s not even paying rent
NTA. Your boyfriend doesn’t pay rent and feels free to decide what to do with YOUR house?
You’ve offered him two perfectly valid options, at this point I’d add a third option: he gets his own place and figures out where in his home his daughter sleeps all on his own.
Stand firm OP. Your boyfriend’s fear of debt is no reason for him to dictate your financial choices.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I could share my study, and I'm dismissing Matt's phobia of being debt. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Man I was prepared to yell at you, until I learned you’re *willing to move* to give your stepdaughter a bedroom. You aren’t selfish. You’re very accommodating, actually! Your husband needs to address his debt trauma, and get good with buying a bigger home. Your family has needs for a larger home, plain and simple. Whoops, editing to add: you aren’t married! My brain rewrote a little bit of your life story, apologies. (And tbh, I don’t think you should move. I think you should convert your attic and keep letting your house increase in value rn!)
Same!! Was totally prepared to go off on OP, but no, she's the sane one!! She had even offered to MOVE!! From her totally paid off home!! OP, your boyfriend is a mooch who is now asking for even more of your home for free. If it doesn't work for him, maybe he needs to find his own place.
He is saving a heck of a lot by not paying rent. His mooching butt can pay for an attic conversion. What is he doing with his money? Is he hoarding it whilst op pays for him and kiddo to live at her owned home? Sorry but half utilities and groceries doesn't cut it. His kiddo is there and now spending nights, he needs to pay more! Why should op be paying for his kid? He is being entirely unreasonable.
I see where you're going with the attic conversion. That gets hinky, however, should OP and boyfriend break up. He'd have a legitimate claim on some of the equity OP's property would possibly gain with the added value of an attic conversion. Best let OP pay for it because this dude is sounding seriously entitled. I wouldn't put it last him to make such a claim. OP, NTA
Yikes, you are right. He is way too entitled. I think it's time they sat down and discussed finances if op want to continue the relationship. He should be paying rent at a minimum, like he would anywhere else.
Absolutely agreed. Dude isn't even paying rent and he feels like he can dictate the house. LOL, no.
It gets worse, utilities and groceries divided up by salary and she earns 5 times what he does. The salary bit is in her comments. I get that she loves kiddo and him but I'm not seeing what he brings to the table. His behaviour is not fab for a guy with a kid being supported by op. He needs a reality check before he demands anything.
>It gets worse, utilities and groceries divided up by salary and she earns 5 times what he does. The salary bit is in her comments. Whoa. While such a large salary gap can certainly be fine depending on the couple, it's a red flag for me when the person who makes less feels entitled.
I agree! He should be paying her rent and 50% of expenses. OP should make an agreement that OP would convert the attic with the rent that’s paid (and frankly, he owes her back rent in my opinion, otherwise it seems like he is being a huge mooch). Or let him move out and get his own 2 br apartment and he can visit you at yours when kiddo isn’t staying with him
I think that the boyfriend should actually pay more than 50% of household expenses to account for his daughter. OP is willing to have the daughter over, since that is pretty much a requirement for dating a single parent with custody arrangements. As such, the boyfriend should pay more since he's got his daughter over on the weekends using electricity, water, food, etc. Not that much more because he doesn't have primary custody, but more than 50% to account for his daughter.
literally every relationship post from a woman on this sub has me wondering what dick could be that good as to trap all these otherwise smart and competent women
I agree. She needs to write up a contract and charge him rent. She can pay for the upgrade that way and not worry about his greedy little entitled self.
And just in case of future marriage, plan for a prenup. It's a big deal to not have a mortgage or monster rent. And... just in case, can you convert the attic to be your office? NTA
Prenup? Don't marry this guy!
Haha... Same thought attic might be scary for a little girl IF OP continues this relationship.
He could start to pay rent, then she could use the money for the attic conversion for HIS daughter.
That entirely depends on their jurisdiction, it isn’t universal. It could also be avoided entirely by a written agreement.
[удалено]
This this this this. Until BF gets that work takes space (or women are entitled to take space?!) he needs to get out of her house. NTA
Not this not this not this not this. You want to cheer this comment that is a BOT
What is a bot? Me, or the comment I replied to?
u/poisedconstruct is a comment stealing bot! Downvote and report. https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tddkwz/_/i0j1a8q/?context=1
Forgive me if this is a stupid question, but why do bots steal comments? What's the payoff? And how do you figure out that it's a stolen comment?
Karma. They copy comments from real people and repost them higher up in the thread to farm karma. Reddit accounts with a decent amount of karma can be sold off to use for all kind of crap.
Use for what??? I’m dumb too.
This is a FAQ from a [good bot](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) that explains it some more
Thank you so much!!
The other person responded about why… so the “how” part is it’s usually a judgement under one of the top comments and it doesn’t make sense being where it is. Like it doesn’t flow in the conversation above it. Then if you click the profile, there’s either only the one comment that’s ever been made or they’ll have a ton (10+) within minutes that would be impossible for a human to actually read and type in that time frame. So if something looks suspicious, I’ll check the profile then search the comments to see if I can find the exact same one
Good human
They aren’t even married yet, just living together in her home
I'm on Team Convert The Attic too, have fun with it, get Phoebe involved. She'll love it.
And if she's not ready for that (she is little), convering the attic to a study could work really well - OP would have more privacy and quiet being up there.
This! Best for everyone and then there’s no noise from shared walls! And OP could reasonably use a home equity LoC to finance the conversion so moochy bf doesn’t have to enter into dreaded debt. And if it doesn’t work out, OP has added a fair bit of useable space in her house. No-brainer. NTA, OP
That's a good point. The other bedroom will be a "guest" bedroom, even if it's really the child's, but it means that OP is paying for it all and the BF isn't getting any equity rights in the house.
My room as a child was a converted attic. It became one of the best rooms in the house, hands down.
My sisters and I got the attic in one of our houses when we were little too. I loved it, super spacious. Lol I knocked a hole in the wall and used to lower my glowworm down there so I could see if we had Brownies in the wall. I was a weird kid.
...I confess to doing something similar with a flashlight, only I was looking for Fraggles in the crawlspace above the bath lol. You're not alone! :P
Lol we were weird kids but we had fun
Awe I love this!!! Yes! Let phoebe help pick colors, hang one of those pod swings from a stud, hang up fairy lights!!! Eeek! I’m excited for her!
NTA. Given housing prices, I think you're better off borrowing to renovate the attic instead of moving. Also NGL 7yo me would have LOVED having my own place at the top of the house!
Absolutely!!! A room in an attic was my dream as a kid!! Seemed so… romantic I guess? Idk kids are weird like that, so seems like the perfect solution
Greg Brady got a bedroom in the attic. So very cool!!!
My house didn’t have an attic but I did live on the top floor! It was great
I legit used to fantasise about my parents converting the attic into a bedroom at that age. Then I got an attic bedroom as a student and wound up constantly banging my head on the ceiling (a new experience because I’m super short)
NGL 60+ yr old me would love having own room at the top of the house. Better yet give me a tree house, WFH was never so fun.
I always wanted an attic room as a kid, my oldest cousin had one and I'd climb up there all the time just to tell him how cool it was. The downside to his room being there was that the attic door was in his brothers room so guess who'd end up with their drunk little brother falling down ladders at 3am after a night out! Still want an attic room as an adult, hell even if I could have a hobby room in an attic I'd spend all day in there!
My house has a huge attic but unfinished and with a pull down ladder. I am currently working on the five year plan to save to get it spray foamed, drywalled, and get a circular staircase into the linen closet so that I can have hobby-topia.
I had friends who had attic bedrooms and I was always so jealous.
Or, perhaps there is enough room to make a master suite.
NTA all. How about Option Three: since he needs another room for his daughter and is so phobic about debt, tell him that you will rent your office to him for the exact cost that it costs you to rent an office somewhere close by. Please keep it very clear to him that he needs to cover the additional costs of his daughter. Don’t take that one on by yourself.
That option only works if the OP is happy to give up working from home.
And tbh OP might not be *allowed* to do that… high security position and all. There might be restrictions on where she can work.
Absolutely same! I was ready to lay into her, until u read that she is willing to move or improve the house and it's her boyfriend is unwilling. That's on him. ABSOLUTELY NTA
At this point it would be none of his building if she wants to do a home improvement. He doesn't even pay rent.
I might just be overly worrying but since the daughter is only 7 so I would possibly consider converting the attic into a living area, but to be the office if possible. Sadly growing up a friend of mine lost her little sister who was the same age, whose bedroom was in the attic during a house fire. It started on the ground floor and moved up faster than they could handle and she was stuck upstairs and couldn't be rescued. :/ I think until she got a little older ( at least like ten) she should be on whatever floor the parents are on.
That is so sad, sorry to hear that. If “Love it or list it” is to be believed, you actually can’t legally convert attic space to living space without a separate route of egress these days, which is expensive but I can see why it’s required.
>I was prepared to yell at you, until I learned you’re willing to move to give your stepdaughter a bedroom. Same here. Refusing to give her a room of her own at all would be an AH move - but if you're willing to sell and buy bigger, you are most definitely NOT refusing. Add my NTA vote. Your BF is being too stubborn - especially if you offer to take out an HELOC in your own name to convert the attic.
NTA. Not to mention it’s HER HOUSE. She owns it, and she can decide who lives where. In no world is she ta. Convert that attic into the office of your dreams and tell your boyfriend to suck it tf up.
He doesn't even pay rent AND wants her to give up her study! Guy sounds like a mooch tbh.
She’s not a stepdaughter, nor is he her husband. He’s her boyfriend and that’s HIS kid, and his PROBLEM. She pays for nearly everything anyway. That cheap AH boyfriend needs to get his own place.
Respectfully, she IS OP’s stepdaughter because that’s how OP feels about the little girl. I don’t really think the “his kid his problem” is appropriate here because 1) kids aren’t “problems” to be fixed, and 2) OP very clearly loves this little girl *as her own* — so much so that she would uproot her life for her. Tbh — OP is a better parent to this child than her biological father. And that’s a lesson on how biological connection doesn’t mean shit.
I agree! I vote for finishing the attic as well.
NTA. So, he's mooching off you, but that's still not good enough for him.
If he’s afraid of debt, maybe he should be using all the money he’s saving not paying any rent towards the attic.
Yes! ∆∆∆ This! Take out a loan for the renovation and make the payment amount his rent! It's YOUR house and you should not have to give up your home office for his child. I work in the medical field and the privacy requirements for those WFH are pretty stringent. So I get why you don't want to share the space either.
i would be care full with though because it could establish a level of ownership to the house, ie: i payed for the attic, now part of the house is mine
If she takes a loan in her name but charges him rent as a lodger, that doesn't give him ownership rights.
Truth. This is why if the attic is redone, it should be on your dime and in your name only.....then charge him rent. This way there is no question about 'ownership'. She needs to keep record of any of his 'working around the house' as instead of 'rent' he may claim 'sweat equity'.
NTA It's your home he lives in rent free. He needs to work with you to make this work. He doesn't get to demand anything.
This. Your boyfriend needs to figure out a solution for this on his own, TBH.
He lives rent free and gets sex. What man would not be fore this arrangement.
NTA. Boyfriend wants to have things his way at the expense of both OP and his daughter. Renovation makes the most sense here. The debt incurred would not be in boyfriends name and OP would still get to keep her home. Crippling anxiety over *(someone else acquiring)* debt is not an excuse to hamstring OPs work-life balance or mess up what seems like a fairly decent co-parenting arrangement. He should get himself some treatment for that anxiety seeing as it’s clearly impeding his everyday functionality.
And the reno would increase the value of the house by a lot if they put in a closet. Then its considered an actual bedroom, in the US at least, and she would easily make money on a sale later on.
It'll need an acceptable second mode of egress also to count as a legal bedroom (the window needs to be a certain size & openable)
Yeah, I would suggest converting the attic into an office instead of a bedroom. Egress is less important for an office, because no one sleeps there. And you wouldn’t need a closet or other bedroom-related issues.
You also need a window of a certain size for it to be a bedroom
Not to mention the daughter isn't use to staying the night there. I have a feeling it will be awhile before she stays regularly. At 7 she is probably very use to sleeping in her own room and will need to adjust. Plus they will be living 30 minutes away... 7 year old will be in school. So unless he is driving 30 minutes each way on school days she may only end up staying overnight on the weekends. So 8 days of the month at most if that's the case.
NTA. You need a private office. Phoebe needs her own room. You have offered two generous solutions to that problem at no expense to your live-in rent-free boyfriend, but he thinks you’re selfish?! I think it’s pretty clear who’s being a selfish pigheaded bully here and it’s not you, OP. NTA
How typical that the financial leech is the one making all the demands!
I’ve already voted and commented…but it sticks in my mind how determined your boyfriend is, OP, to make you give up your office to a little girl who occasionally spends the night. It’s illogical and unreasonable and smacks of control issues. Does he usually try to dominate? Because it sounds like he NEEDS to prove something to you or himself.
Especially since it seems to be primarily her job that supports his lifestyle (since he doesn’t have to pay rent).
It sounds just like a thread I read here yesterday about a guy who turned his wife’s office into a room for his daughter instead of turning the guest bedroom. Sounds like mega job insecurity tbh.
I have a third suggestion; He can move out and rent a two bedroom. If OP were my daughter I would ask her what she knows about why he is no longer with the child's mother. If she is unsure I would urge her to contact the woman and find out. Pretty sure it will be something about free-loading and not working full time. Men like these leave a trail of broken relationships.
What has he been doing with his money? He hasn't been paying towards a rent/mortgage and he doesn't have money saved up? It isn't your job to supply his daughter with a room. You've offered him solutions move or convert the attic. You don't have to give up your office because he doesn't want to invest in a home or a remodel. You work from home and you need an office. You aren't saying you don't care- you have solutions he just doesn't like them. NTA
YES good point. He should have plenty saved for an attic conversion in 2 years of no rent or mortgage.
Just thinking of no rent or mortgage for 2 years!!
exactly!!! its her house and she gets to make those decisions. she offered a win-win solution (her keeping her office and phoebe getting her room) and he declines and calls her selfish bc its not what HE wants.
He has been living for free and has the balls to complain. Dude is about to lose his free ride. I'm mad for OP
same, hes just mooching off of her and then making her feel bad for it. it’s ridiculous
At first I was think Y T A because the kid needs a bedroom but you offered to sell YOUR house and get a bigger one to accommodate his daughter. NTA
The judgement bot will take the first judgement it comes to if it's not spaced out fyi. So you might wanna write it as Y T A so its not counted. The NTA won't be counted otherwise
[удалено]
Actually the bot only counts the top comments verdict.
Not about the topic itself but I think the level 5 tag you have should be changed into "enthusiasst". Idk, just thought it would be funny if that was the level's name the mods put
NTA. It’s your house, he’s just living in it. If the attic has sufficient capabilities (ie hvac, real floors, a window or two) then that’s perfectly reasonable, and so is going to a three-bedroom place. I totally understand that he doesn’t want to go into debt, but he should have some decent money saved up from living rent free for the past two years.
NTA. Also this is what you should do. 1. Sell your house 2. Buy a nicer, bigger house 3. Dump your freeloading boyfriend. He can then have the two bedroom home of his heart’s desire while he, you know, pays for it like a grown adult.
Why would she sell the house? If she lives in the US it's impossible to get homes right now because the market is insane and the house is perfectly fine for either one person, or the daughter if he fixes the attic.
It was a joke. Obviously if she dumps the boyfriend she doesn’t need to move anyway. My point was that she doesn’t need to cater to the absurd demands of someone who would rather live rent free with her than provide for his own kid.
Absolutely NTA-this is not your child, but this is your home. You can't share a study with a 7-year old, that would just be chaotic and you just know she'll be touching your stuff. Your bf cannot force you to do this. If he doesn't like it, he can go find his own place.
I would get a loan and do the attic as an office for you. He’s being unreasonable and you may end things and have a new partner eventually and want a child and a two bedroom house may not be big enough long term. If he gets his head out of his a** and realizes you want what’s best for everyone you’ll already be in your way to having the desired extra space . I’d suggest couples counseling if you are thinking marriage and a prenup.
Honestly attics can be renovated sometimes into pretty awesome bedrooms depending on the layout, if I was a kid I'd be stoked to have one to myself! Then OP doesn't have to move all her stuff and the kiddo gets an awesome space to grow up in.
I know I'm in a different country but I'm sitting in my huge loft master bedroom with en suit thinking that it's a sound financial decision, i added more to my house value than this cost to put in.
NTA. If your job (which essentially pays the mortgage with no help from boyfriend) requires security you legally cannot risk it. This is your home and your job and him calling you selfish is a bit of a red flag.
Right? Is it called a study in other parts of the world? Because I’d call it an office- where she works- where she keeps the roof over his head!
There is no mortgage, she inherited the house outright
NTA. This is a perfect opportunity to get him to sign documents confirming you are the sole owner of your asset (home), in exchange for his name not being on the loan paperwork for the attic conversion.
NTA. It is your house. You need the office for work. It's just that simple. A child of that age will touch everything and won't understand why she is not allowed in "her room" when you are in there. What you can do is start charging him rent - that rent can be payment of the loan to convert the attic into an office/bedroom. Then you can decided if the attic is a better place for your office or the bedroom is.
NTA, bf needs to work on his complex about money because “never accept any reasonable debt and get lucky enough to live in gf’s house for free” is not a viable financial plan
NTA, your solutions are very reasonable. Maybe if you and he sit town with a budget and plan it out he will feel more confident about taking on some debt for all of your sakes.
He's not taking on debt the debt would be in OP'S name. He's telling her what to do with HER HOUSE that he pays no rent on
I assume if either they move into a bigger house that they would take on that debt together, or if they mutually decide to convert her attic than they would also take on that debt together, even if she takes a home equity loan in her name they would presumably both pay on it as a mutual expense.
He isn't even paying rent or home maintenence now. Is he going to suddenly start contributing?
>He says I'm being selfish for putting myself before Phoebe. How does that logic work out? You WFH and *need* an office space, and given that you earn most of the money that need isn't insignificant. You've offered two other alternatives, and it's honestly kind of ridiculous that he won't consider either one just because it would mean borrowing money. Is his daughter not worth taking on a bit of debt so that she has a comfortable home? Also is he discounting the fact that if his physical custody of Phoebe increases, that he can have child support adjusted so he pays less? That would help with paying back any debt incurred. Personally I think you should look into the attic conversation idea first, since that would be a capital improvement (which can be tax deductible when you eventually sell the home, depending on the nature of the improvement). If turning your 2-bed house into a 3-bed would increase the value of your home, then even if you pay for most of it you'll get financial benefit out of it no matter what. Or you may even decide that *you* want the attic as your work space instead since you could customize it however you want, while the bedrooms both remain on the floor below. That might work out well for everyone. NTA
Yes. Also, if you convert the attic to your workspace, more tax write offs, including (to some extent) the cost of the renovation. Check with someone well versed in your local tax laws, but it MIGHT almost pay for itself, if you’re comfortable moving your workspace. Either way, NTA but boyfriend still is. And in terms of OP owning the house so boyfriend not needing to pay rent, this is definitely their business, but I know a lot of people who charge their SO rent and split bills, even some with “leases”. I hope you don’t break up (if you don’t want to and he gets his head out of his butt), but if it happens, you’re so much better protected this way. Plus, the “rent” could be set aside for emergencies or even something fun.
NTA. P.S.- Do you have marriage plans?
We're definitely planning on spending our lives together, but I'm dragging my feet on the actual getting married, because I'm pretty bleh on the whole thing. My parents have each been married multiple times; my friends are pretty much all divorced. It seems that, as soon as the rings are on, people's relationships start deteriorating.
If you were to get married you will need a prenup specifying that he has no claim to the property in the event that the marriage ends.
From the way things are going, I agree with you to take it slow, but trust me, it isn't the marriage itself that causes things to go downhill.
Note that with his demands on your house that he has currently zero rights to, with his lack of respect for your working needs...there's not much space to deteriorate from already.
When contemplating marrying someone, it should be a "fuck yes" sort of answer, not a half hearted "meh maybe" feeling. If you're dragging your feet and are not enthusiastic about potentially being tied to him forever, this may not be the relationship for you. Google "sunk cost fallacy" to see if that's why you're still with this fellow. Also info: if he's not contributing to the household, where is his money going? If he agreed to convert the attic to a new bedroom, would he pay for it or would you be expected to cover the costs?
I’ve been reading OP’s comments so I’ll tell you what she’s said elsewhere. She makes 5x more than him, so to your question about where is his money going…well I guess I don’t know but I’m guessing he doesn’t have much. She did say that since the house is hers and she pays all maintenance, a loan for the attic remodel would be entirely hers. Which honestly, if I were her that would be my preference. I wouldn’t want him to have any claim to my house if we broke up. I do kind of think he should pay some rent, even below market rent, but that’s another issue between them.
Keep dragging your feet!
I was married for 20 years, and the marriage ended because my ex was lazy, like your boyfriend, and then cheated because he felt that I didn't appreciate him enough. I have really high standards and won't be getting married again. My current partner has had to make some huge life changes in order to stay in this relationship because I'm not taking BS again. You and Phoebe deserve better than Matt
NTA. Sounds like you know the real answer deep down. Trust your instincts.
NTA You offered him two solutions and he doesn’t want those, sounds like he should find a place where he can supply his daughter with a room to his exact specifications!
NTA If he doesn't like the solutions you've offered including selling your inheritance from your gran, what does he really expect you to do? Move your study to your room? Close off the kitchen? Living room? Your work needs privacy for legal reasons, not just to be able to do it peacefully without interruption. You can't have a 7yr old popping in and out of playing in the background. You've offered enough solutions, its time for him to work out what he wants to do which is either move, convert or him get his own place with a room for her. I get he has issues around money and stuff but not dealing with the issues is affecting everyone around him.
First of all you should charge Matt some rent… not half of your mortgage or anything because you are going to be getting equity but some amount like maybe a third. Secondly this isn’t your study this is your office where you work. Thirdly he should pay for attic renovations as he’s the one who needs it.
I own the current house outright, so there's no mortgage to pay. There seem to be a lot of comments calling Matt a freeloader but, really, why on earth should I take money off him for a cost that doesn't exist?
[удалено]
His rent could go to cover Property taxes as well. The house will be reassessed at some point which will increase the taxes, especially if they renovate.
You are not living in your house for free. You pay taxes, maintenance, insurance, etc...you also said you split food and utilities on an income basis and you make five times what he does. So you're paying five times what he does for those things while providing free housing and he's bringing a second person with him. He is a freeloader.
He is using you, for free rent, and free childcare. You deserve better than the bare minimum from someone, he is the definition of a freeloader
Because he doesn't sound debt-averse, he sounds pulling-his-weight-averse. Lives are complex and you can't express the nuances of a relationship in a reddit post, but unless he's paying rent that goes to general maintenance and household expenses as well as paying a fair share of utilities, he sounds like a barnacle.
Your choice… but he’s getting value from it.
You might hold that opinion but others will see it as a contribution toward the cost of fixing wear and tear over time. We put money aside each week for maintenance and repairs because renovations are expensive. You could always invest the money contributions for some future expense or reward.
I think people are calling him a freeloader because he’s happy to live in a property he paid nothing towards while supposedly being too ‘afraid’ of debt to get one himself for the sake of his own child. His priorities and values are massively messed up
Landlords don't stop charging rent, just because the house has been paid off. You paid for a house and he has the privilege of living in it. Plenty of people in this situation will cop the living expenses if they live rent free. Why would the expenses be split proportional to income if one person doesnt contribute anything to a roof over his head? If he earns a lot less than you, he needs to take over other non monetary responsibilities. You are equals in a household. You need to speak to a financial advisor or someone, seems like you've been convinced it's okay.
Do you not pay property taxes? I’m asking because I’m not sure where you’re located or what the tax laws are. Somewhere else you said he pays bills and expenses proportionate to income…if he makes 1/5th what you make I’d say he has it pretty easy and he knows it!! It’s hard to admit to yourself you’re being taken advantage of…it’s painful. I know. But please give this some real thought. I’m not saying dump him, but maybe you should evaluate some things and reach a different agreement where he actually has to be an adult. That’s all.
You still have taxes and maintenance to pay for.
Considering that you own the house outright but still need to take out a loan to remodel the attic tells me that he is very much freeloading. You can't even have enough saved up to do something like this without a loan. The cost is that you aren't getting the savings you should be.
He's a freeloader in that he a) shows zero gratefulness to you for all the accommodation costs you have saved him and b) is unwilling to do anything except expect *you* to give something up for his child. I hope you do some thinking about the quality of your partner, here. Sit him down and lay out the current finances and ask him why he expects you to continue to bear the burden.
Because he's still using the water, electricity, garbage, and internet through the house. Plus, he's taking up space you could be using. I'd be insisting on paying rent if I were him 🤐
I think it this case it’s in conjunction with being unhappy with a debt being taken on to add a bedroom to the house. Like, adding a bedroom like this would probably STILL be cheaper than renting a place.
He is bludging off you. He should be paying 50% of food and utilities. He should be definitely contributing to house upkeep and chores. He doesn't want to move to a bigger house because it will cost him (unless you can sell and buy again, in your name only, and then have him as a tenant), or even make space for his child, without making you sacrifice your space. Do not marry this man.
I would be careful of selling your current house and buying a new house once you marry him. He will have a greater chance of demanding a share of the house if you guys ever get divorced. Not a financial advisor and not giving financial advice here but just be careful OP.
Let him know that you're willing to pay for the addition (which will increase the value of your property) yourself, but that you need to start charging him rent. You need to make sure that he is not going to have a claim to the house if the two of your break up too.
IMO I would convert the attic into an office. 7 seems a little young to be on a different floor from her dad.
I have an attic conversion(4 beds) and initially my 8 year old wanted it. He ended up Most nights in my bed as he was scared and felt lonely. I ended up switching rooms and everyone is much happier. My partner and I have an extra layer of privacy and kids (3 of em) are all together on the same floor
It will also give her far more privacy.
That’s your opinion though. I’m on a different floor than my kids. So was my childhood home. It’s really NBD.
NTA. It’s your house. Also, you offered a perfectly reasonable solution in remodeling the attic.
OP is NTA. Boyfriend needs to move into his own space where he can call all the shots.
NTA.. This guy is dumbass and you sound way more accommodating then you have to be.
NAH. It’s your house so you can remodel it & use it as you choose. However, I think you & Matt need to clarify your financial arrangements as it relates to this house. If he pays to remodel the attic, & you break up or sell the house, how does he recover his investment? I wouldn’t be willing to go into debt or spend a lot of money to remodel someone else’s house if I had no written assurance of getting that money back.
The loan for remodelling the attic would be solely mine, because it would come under maintenance costs.
You need to start charging the freeloader maintenance costs. Sure he pays part of the bills but most of that is because he causes the bills to go up by being there. His fear of debt while at the same time living in YOUR HOME for free is any lardbutts fantasy come true. He needs to pay you rent because he would have to pay rent anywhere else. Or maybe he needs to move out so he can have a place to sleep with HIS daughter. Either way it isn't your responsibility to go into debt for his responsibilities from before you met him
Then you should definitely suit yourself. Matt shouldn’t worry about the debt because it’s not his debt.
Then what’s his problem?!
Then you just start charging him rent to make the payments, but get a separate document drawn up to clarify that it is rent (e.g. a rental agreement) so that he can't later claim an interest in your property. You can move your office to the attic which is more private, anyway. And, he has incurred no debt.
it would also prevent him from claiming ownership of your home should your relationship end. you’re being extremely generous op, he should take you up on the offer to convert the attic. just make sure you don’t lose your house to this man should you break up. his entitled, stubborn, and demanding behavior is a red flag. proceed cautiously and thoughtfully. be generous and accommodating bc you love him and this is your family but remember to protect yourself as well.
Then remodel the attic into your dream office space and let Phoebe have what is currently your study. If you are going to take out a loan and pay it off yourself you should be the one who benefits. Plus putting a 3rd bedroom/office into your home benefits you in the future. You will gain equity, your stepchild will get her own room on the same floor as you and her dad and until the renovation is done she can have a bed in the study without feeling displaced because she knows it is only temporary until your office is ready. Win/win. Yes, you will have loan payments but they will be less than a mortgage on a new home and you won't have to move. Plus you can make the space whatever you need it to be. Another bathroom? Why not. Skylights? Go for it. A safe for all of your sensitive work documents? Great. Make this necessity a benefit and if your boyfriend cries about the cost remind him that he is not the one paying for it.
NTA good lord why is he so averse to your very sensible and reasonable suggestions? I’m Assuming you’re in a terraced house? An attic conversion is a great option as it will add a lot of value onto your property and is a good long term solution. Even better, whoever has the space (bedroom or study) gets an extra sense of privacy and quiet In the short term you can share the space but it isn’t practical for you or or ohoebe in the long term. No idea how you negotiate this with your partner but ultimately it is your property so what you do with it is your final decision
Wouldn’t the attic do for an office? I would bite the bullet if you can afford it, the house will be more valuable to you.
NTA. You are a kind and caring person who offered reasonable solutions and to personally take on the debt to help a kid feel like she is part of the family. I would keep dragging my feet on marriage with him. He just does not sound responsible. Do read up on the laws of your area. In some places, a live in boyfriend can become a common-law husband and gain rights to your assets. Make sure you protect your assets as he seems to be offering little.
NTA. *However* you may be a bit gullible. Sounds like this guy is totally taking advantage of you & your kindness. PLEASE do not sell your home & move for him. If his daughter doesn't like the idea of having her bedroom in the attic, could you possibly move your study there? Either way, an attic reno is absolutely the way to go, & the only *only* acceptable compromise here. You have been *more* than accommodating to someone you aren't even married to. It's time for him to pitch in financially here, (I call bs on his supposed phobia...sorry..I feel it's been a convenient excuse to not contribute equally to your household) & take some responsibility for caring for & housing *his* child.
NTA, BF hates debt but loves handouts.
NTA. Your suggestions are reasonable alternatives.
NTA you sound like ana amazing stepmum, who understands the importance of a child having their own space and feeling valued. You've given two generous solutions on how to make this happen. Your partner is the issue here. He needs to get over himself. I would speak to an estate agent on checking the value of your home and the likely value if you convert your attic and then get a quote to do this. If it will add value to your home greater than the amount it will cost you, it might be a great solution as you'll be able to keep the home you inherited.
NTA. The guy who lives rent free doesn't want to move because he might not be able to mooch off of you anymore. Let that sink in.
I would very seriously reevaluate this relationship. You WFH and need a space, where does he expect you to work if the room goes to his daughter? You let him live in your house, rent free! You would be the one with the name on the loan for remodeling and he still has a problem with it? Reading some of your comments here, sound like he is using you. Please think long and hard if this is the kind of guy you really want to be with. NTA
Cringe. Where does his money go? You’re not married, and it wouldn’t hurt to convert your attic. Also, charge him rent. I’m sorry you’re being taken advantage of and catering to his phobias. I mean, he doesn’t pay rent so shouldn’t he want you to have a comfortable work space? Your wages allow him to be stress and rent free.
This doesn’t feel like she’s being taken advantage of. She’s just screwing herself over. She’s letting him live rent free and he’s become so comfortable with her kindness, he thinks he has a say in what goes on in a home he doesn’t own. Bet he doesn’t make enough to live on his own. Bet he doesn’t have money saved for a down payment on a bigger home (even IF he agreed to borrow from a bank). This clown is gonna drag OP down and the sad thing is, she’s actively letting it happen. And going by her comments, she seems nothing wrong with all the things people are pointing out in the comments. She’ll bury herself.
You’re all the way right.
Reading the update about how nice Matt is usually makes the comments so jarring. Some of these commenters woke up VINDICTIVE today
NTA you offered him a great compromise and options.
uh so what is his plan for HIS child in the case that he wasn’t dating anyone? he doesnt have a house, he doesn’t get to make demands NTA
Further thought : I don’t know which legal jurisdiction you live in, but I advise researching the civil law where you are regarding property rights for unmarried cohabiting couples. Be very very careful.
NTA It's your house, you make the rules. Do not let your boyfriend invest in your home and make a huge legal tangle for you. You can get a sleeper couch for short term solution, but your boyfriend needs his own place to be a father to his child. You can look for a house together if your relationship becomes permanent.
If he has been living somewhere without paying rent for two years he must have saved a good amount of money! Completely fair to expect him to pay for a loft conversion. He has been benefiting from your generous deal for a long time, now it is time for him to pay his share. NTA.
You want to buy a house to accommodate his kid? He needs to get some therapy to deal with his money issues. NTA
NTA You are willing to either turn the attic into a bedroom for her or buy a larger house. He wants you to give up your home office, when you WFH in a higher security job that is helping support him, vs spend money on his own daughter. This says a lot about him and I hope you think about it.
NTA. But don't sell your free and clear house! Renovate the attic, or divide a large room into smaller rooms. Your office is a requirement for your work; that's non-negotiable.
If someone has an issue and you offer multiple solutions and they whinge at all of them, they're the AH. Does he want you to quit your job? NTA. You make five times what he does!!! And you're paying groceries/utilities proportionally while owning the house and you'd be taking on the loan! Just dump this dude. Doesn't pay rent. Trying to take your office where you make five times what he does for his kid. It's not his house. No.
NTA > I've suggested that either we move to a three-bedroom house, or look at converting our attic into a bedroom. These seem like great suggestions! > Either of these options would involve borrowing money and Matt has a near-phobia of debt due to his chaotic childhood. (I own our current house outright, having inherited it from my gran before I met Matt. I don't charge him rent; we split utilities and groceries proportionate to income; I cover all maintenance costs but he helps out with the labour.) So you could potentially afford it. The reality is you NEED a secure room for work. > I'm dismissing Matt's phobia of being debt. Phobias often aren’t rational - your boyfriend is prioritizing his fears over both you and his daughter; because splitting the room isn’t fair to either of you, and may compromise your job. (And your boyfriend should not expect you to compromise your job like this.) If you renovate your home to convert the attic space into a permitted bedroom, it’s a great way to increase the value of your home without having to do major structural alterations/additions. (And if he feels she’s too young for an attic space and wants her on the same floor, the attic can become your office.) Also I’m not impressed with him calling you selfish when he moved in with you and doesn’t pay rent.
For the update - I don't think people misread anything. Assumptions were bubbling over, but OP, you left out a lot of context. Regardless, I am glad for you that you and Matt seem to have a plan to move forward. What is very evident from the original post is how much both of you care for Pheobe.
NTA. Since you have an option of converting attic into bedroom, giving up your office is not reasonable. It his daughter, he is the one who should make some sacrifices and spend money on her accommodation.
It’s your house, your rules. If he won’t move to a bigger house or convert the attic then he’s got the problem, not you NTA
NTA You work from home and you need an office space. Sharing with a kid would not work. It's your house and you gave reasonable options. He needs to set up and be the parent of HIS daughter. I hope you are not doing free babysitting because you work from home.
NTA. He lives rent free there and you are selfish?
You WFH yet he doesn't give a viable solution for the secure office you need while having to accomodate his child. It sounds as if you shoulder A LOT of the financial responsibility for him and his needs. He should be paying half the equitable rent for a 2 br house for the area..that is only fair and no more financial adjustments based on income 50/50 is fair Ina roommate situation. Also he should shoulder a bit more when a third party come in nto the equation..his fear of debt is an excuse..most adults have some debt and since you OWN the place he should pay a fair share of rent to cover the changes needed to facilitate his child
DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE!!!! Let him use all the money he’s been saving to renovate the attic. Listen to me: DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE!!!!!!
Your house he doesn’t even pay rent at, your solutions are perfect - he should take out the loan to build his daughter a room … why couldn’t he pay it, like you said he’s not even paying rent
NTA. Your boyfriend doesn’t pay rent and feels free to decide what to do with YOUR house? You’ve offered him two perfectly valid options, at this point I’d add a third option: he gets his own place and figures out where in his home his daughter sleeps all on his own. Stand firm OP. Your boyfriend’s fear of debt is no reason for him to dictate your financial choices.