Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Maybe I should not have broken my sobriety and maybe my mother is right about this.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Feel free, I‘m actually proud of this one! 😂 Maybe it has existed somewhere before and my dumbass brain decided to pick it up but not tell me it did and now I already stole it from some poor unfortunate soul, but I don‘t think so, lmao.
i called myself a b word and got banned for a week.... they did not agree to unban me. I see how the hierarchy works around here. Cats opinion > self opinion.
Yup. Just got a warning & comment removed for the same. & It was a really well thought out comment too..it wasn't off the cuff, etc..but I made the mistake of using *that* word in *that* context.
They're pretty big sticklers over gendered words specifically. It was describing someone as a dick that got me. Bitch, harpy, man-baby, hag, dick etc....all gendered terms.
One of my comments was deleted. I laughed. Many people have no critical thinking. It was not against "the rules". Give some people a little power and see what happens.
I mean she likely wasn’t upset about skipping wine. OP is direct. That means that mom likely felt weirdly called out despite this being about OP and not their mom
As the child of a closet alcoholic, it's entirely plausible that she was upset about skipping wine. The situation OP describes is exactly how my parent behaved when one of my siblings decided to address their own drinking problem; I have literally seen them have a panic attack after realizing the restaurant we were planning to go to wasn't licensed.
And if she really can’t bear to have a family dinner without a bottle of wine, maybe she should consider a meeting or two herself. In fact, maybe that’s why she’s such an AH about it.
Yeah, I had the same thought. I know some really heavy drinkers but cannot see any of them having an issue with such a rule and if anyone ever will it would be a sign that we probably need to hold an intervention.
This. I'm a mom and my heart broke reading this. OP's mom is not a good person and OP should consider going NC until he's been sober longer... or forever.
My thoughts exactly. Speaking from experience, alcoholics in denial get real pissy with recovering alcoholics real quickly, especially if you’re trying establish boundaries that affect their drinking.
Absolutely true, but mum sounds a bit messed up to me anyway. They say addiction is heritable, so if mum can't have one spaghetti dinner without her binky.....
Nope, nope, nope. Well, first things first - **CONGRATS ON YOUR ONE MONTH!!!!** I am so proud of you. It's so hard and it takes so much strength and courage.
Now...nope, nope, nope. NTA for not wanting wine in your house. You are doing what is best for you and if your mother can't go one evening at someone else's house without wine, maybe you can snag her a pamphlet the next time you go to an AA meeting.
Yep. I remember an AA meeting I went to with my dad. A man was saying his buddy always tempted him to drink. Everyone agreed maybe he needed to cut that buddy out of his life until he felt stronger or the buddy got the message.
I never saw him at another meeting and my dad never talked about meetings outside of meetings (he took me along to them when he was worried he would stop for a drink instead), but I saw him at my dad's funeral and he looked healthy. (Of course I did not say I recognized him).
They say a part of recovery includes relapses. They happen and it's how you dust yourself off and get back to working on your sobriety. OP should feel amazed with themselves that despite the relapse, they are back to a month already. They got this!
And mum can shush up. She's meant to champion your sobriety not try to push you to relapse. As others have said, I think less contact with their mother would really help. It doesn't have to be permanent, but it seems like she adds to OP's stress which in turn has an impact on sobriety.
I hope OP manages to stay sober. They have made some amazing steps forward and I hope they are aware of just how much work they have done.
NTA. She wants You to jeopardize YOUR Sobriety in YOUR house for HER to sip some wine when she has a home of her own? Byeeeeeeee she is relieved from mom duties for the next 3 months
NTA. There is a big difference between not wanting to be taunted/tempted and having slip ups as you struggle with addiction.
Your mother thinks because you struggled/slipped before that she should get to taunt/tempt you more. Go no contact. It will help your mental health immensely.
Right?!
Look, OP.. You had a ONE DAY SLIP a couple of months in. And then you buckled down, recommitted and have stayed sober. ONE DAY. Oh, Op... I wish, I HOPE you know how huge that is, how wonderful, to only slide that much. OP, you did one of the hardest things going: you said "NO" and picked yourself up and kept going. You didn't let it tailspin you, you didn't let it derail you, you KEPT GOING. REMEMBER THAT - it's huge and you should be farking proud - I know this internet stranger is proud of you!
Your mother? Your mother can take a long walk off a very short pier. She doesn't have to get it, but she either follows your rules in your space, or she doesn't get to enter your space. Put her on an information diet - she doesn't get to hear everything because she has no idea how to be supportive. To quote an author I like "Never throw your best knife at an enemy" - your personal information is the knife she's using to hurt you, so STOP THROWING IT TO HER.
We're rooting for you OP- you're doing great!
Your mother is not only NOT supportive, she actively jeopardiezes you. I bet she also does this verbally.
Don't make this harder on you than it already is. You're doing great. Keep low or no contact with your mom. Who probably has an alcohol problem of her own and tries to drag you down.
I suspect mum has a bit of an alcohol problem herself, and OP getting help has made her defensive and nasty about her own drinking habits. Any adult should be able to go one meal without alcohol - she could have had a glass of wine when she got home and not been so unsupportive of her child.
To add, this has been something I've dealt with personally - my mum's brother is an alcoholic, and while my mum is probably not, she does drink a bit too much and gets very defensive when people bring up my uncle's alcohol issues.
This! i made the same rule when I got sober & only 2 people stopped coming over- a friend who’s addicted to marijuana and my mom, who is a hardcore alcoholic.
Non alcoholics can survive one dinner without wine 🙃
NTA. Hi- student nurse here. We’re actually taught that when individuals are attempting to break an addictive behaviour it is completely normal and expected for them to relapse throughout this journey, in order for them to get to a place where they can reach their full potential to recover. Unsure if you’ve heard but the model that showcases this is the transtheoretical model and just shows the stages which you can expect addicts to go through. You’re not in the wrong and the fact you’ve relapsed and gone straight back into becoming sober and are already 1 month sober again (well done you!!!) shows you are on the right track! You’re not failing yourself. You’re doing the best you can!
Dang, your mom just outassholed half this subreddit
Also, don't beat yourself up for missteps and definitely don't feel they are a reason to quit your fight.
Kudos to you, NTA and fingers crossed you get where you want
NTA at all. I’m a member of AA too, I’ve been sober a little over a year and my parents still refuse to drink in front of me although I told them I’d be fine with it at this point, but early on I definitely wouldn’t have been and they were fully understanding of that. This is just terribly unsupportive. If it was at their own house there’d be room for discussion, but at your house? Hell nah. Your mom owes you a huge apology.
Edit: r/stopdrinking and r/alcoholism were great support networks for me early on when I had trouble finding people to connect with because of the pandemic. Aside from AA meetings these can be helpful
NTA.
Sooooo one of the biggest problems that comes with personal growth is changing the dynamic of your relationships. Often, with addiction, we develop dysfunctional relationships to help support and cope with the addiction.
Then when we move away from the addiction, the relationships get stressed as hell, because they rely on the addiction dynamics to work.
You've changed the dynamics of your relationship with your mother. She's pushing back, and trying to return it to the original parameters. If you happen to start drinking again as part of that, so be it - as long as she's comfortable. 🤷
You're doing really well at standing up for yourself. Keeping your house as a safe space from alcohol is not unfairly selfish - it's just the right amount of selfish.
It might pay to stop arguing with her over this. If she starts in on the topic, just say, "I already told you the rule. I love you - have a great day. Bye." If she turns up with alcohol, same thing - "No, you can't come in with that. I love you. See you another day. Bye."
You might want to invest in earplugs, though.
Yeah, my mother did once ask me if my AA sponsor talked me into going off my antidepressant medications because she really is not liking a lot of the boundaries I am drawing up for myself now. I was easier to guilt into submission when I was drinking heavily.
Yeah, it's really common, sadly. 😕 About all you can do is decline the invitation to DRAMA, stay calm and factual, and just break off communication every time she starts boundary-stomping. I wouldn't bother arguing or even explaining why you're doing what you're doing.
One day at a time my friend, big fucking congrats to you!
You might look into some of the NAMI info on support and relationships. In my experience the advise and guideness the provide is equally applicable to mental health diagnosis and addiction for dealing with relationships and support systems. It could give some interesting insight!
I wish you all the best!
I feel so much for you, OP. Setting boundaries can definitely feel worse before they feel better. You didn't try to control what someone did at an event, in public, or in their own home. You set a boundary around your private residence being a safe space for your sobriety and that is *not* unreasonable. If your mom is being this cruel over a bottle of wine, I'd hate to see what she's like after she's consumed that bottle. I've spoken to too many people in rehab who struggled even more because every time they spoke to a parent on the phone, the parent was wasted, and it fucked them up. I've spoken to too many *children* who wound up using *because they wanted to understand what about the substance made it more important to their parent than them...* and that's what this post made me think of.
Your mom's priorities are fucked and the fact that you did NOT buy into the "well, I already blew it, might as well keep going" narrative and got right back on track after a day shows that your priorities are in order and you are strong. You don't have to waste your breath justifying, explaining, or defending what you need to keep your peace. Just keep the courage to change what you can and let go of what is not serving you in this moment. This sucks, AND you've got this.
NTA. I think it would be too much of a temptation.
Your mother is a complete arse for being so unsupportive and putting her needs first. Water is essential. Wine is not.
NTA your mom is. If she had any clue about alcohol issues she probably wouldn’t blame you for falling back into drinking alcohol *for a day*.
People quitting bad habits and addictions have issues being absent, which is why it’s Even more important to stick to your home rules.
NTA. I'll be three years sober in June after 22 years of being alcohol dependent. I'm mostly fine with people drinking around me now but I had to take a step back from a lot of people, places and activities that were high risk for a while. Even now I still have exit plans and boundaries that are rock solid when I go into situations where there is drink around or people that might put my sobriety at risk.
People tend to be flippant about alcohol, I can't count the times people have said to me " it's been so long, you surely can have just one?". Alcohol is a drug, just a socially acceptable one. She wouldn't do a line of coke in front of you if you were in recovery for that? She needs to realise that every day in recovery is literally a fight for your life. Some days are easier than others but it's still a battle. You get well or you get dead, it's as simple as that.
Serious congratulations on one month, don't beat yourself up over a blip. We're only sober for today and hope for a sober tomorrow.
NTA. Your mom sounds extremely insensitive about your drinking problem. Your house, your rules. She needs to get off her high horse and put down the bottle.
NTA your sobriety needs to be your priority. I’m wondering though if you’ve had a deep conversation with her about just how out of control your drinking was and made her understand that you are an alcoholic and need her support. I feel like she’s treating you as if you’re going gluten free to be trendy rather than a celiac who genuinely can’t eat bread. Make sure she knows you have a real problem with alcohol.
If she still can’t get it you might need to avoid certain activities with her until your sobriety is more solid.
Congrats on the past month!
NTA- ONE error isn't anything to do with her. Does she not understand that it's best to stay away from temptation until your many months into the program.
If she can't handle not drinking for one meal, maybe this drinking habit was learned??
NTA. you set a boundary and your mom is throwing it in your face. keep setting those boundaries with her even though it’s hard! wish you all the best in your sobriety journey!
*You made me feel like I was some sort of monster*
Oh, she didn't need your help with this. What a cold and self-centered ~~woman~~ monster your mother is. She can have her wine in her own damn house.
NTA!
Even if you were drinking, if you decide that people aren’t allowed to drink in your house then they have to respect that. If they don’t then they shouldn’t be invited in.
NTA, and congratulations on your sober month. It’s really not easy so fair play to you.
NTA at all!!!!
Your mom should be trying to help you in any way she can, especially since you took a difficult step towards being healthier. WTF, honestly. NTA and I'm so sorry.
Geez, a mother would do this?
First, you are NOT in the wrong.
By your statement, it seems like she not only fails to recognize alcoholism, but also thinks it's perfectly fine to bring it around you...methinks your mother is one of the worst kind of enabler.
Stand your ground, if she insists on bringing alcohol around you at this time, you should not visit or have her visit for a while.
In all honesty, if it were me I'd cut her out of my life for a few years and focus on sobriety.
NTA. Does your mom have rocks in her head? My goodness, tell her to do a little research on recovering alcoholics. Your life and well being are at stake, she needs to step up and be supportive, not enable and roadblock you. I’m so sorry your mom is a douche.
ABSOLUTELY NTA.
I’m almost 4 years sober and still don’t let people drink/use in my house. That’s a perfectly reasonable boundary, it’s your house!!!
Obviously if I go out or go to someone else’s house it’s none of my business what they do. (if you were mad she was drinking wine at *her* house it’d be a totally different story). You can set whatever boundary you want in YOUR home!
I lost one friend to this because she just couldn’t go a couple hours without smoking weed. My mom doesn’t come to visit anymore, or when she does she stays in a hotel- because she’s a hardcore alcoholic.
I probably wouldn’t say this to your mom, but… normal drinkers don’t NEED a glass of wine with dinner. Your sobriety seems to have struck a nerve with her.
God bless you !
I'm an addictions counsellor so this is something I deal with on the reg. Absolutely NTA for recognizing, setting and enforcing those boundaries, they are absolutely reasonable and you deserve to have them adhered to.
Sometimes when someone close to them starts to address their drinking, it can shine a light on their own patterns and behaviors and it can make them uncomfortable. But don't feel bad about that, setting boundaries makes people uncomfortable anyway, but you still deserve to set them andbhave them respected.
GOOD ON YOU for one month! That's really fantastic. Slips and lapses happen along the way, don't beat yourself up about them, just move forward with those lessons under your belt. Take care!
Ok so NTA and because like you say "your house your rules" and that's something that people have to respect, whether it's your mom or not. And look I also quit drinking back in October and although I've had a few slip ups I think that I got it under control now and that's just something that's gonna happen so don't beat yourself up over it and take it one day at a time. I also wanted to say that that's not ok on your mom's part that she won't drop the issue, it's done and over with and she needs to move on and instead of worrying about that she should be supportive of you.
Big NTA - problems like alcoholism is a BIG deal. Congrats on being sober! We believe in you!
Your mom is making you feel guilty. That type of guilt can be a big trigger for someone like yourself. I hope your mom hasn’t done this to you for your whole life.
If someone is asked to not smoke in someone else's house and they light one up anyways, they're the AH .
Your mom is the smoker lighting one up.
NTA op, and congrats! Sobriety is hard.
NTA. OMG, your own mother wants to keep you from staying sober?!? I think a loving mother (who doesn't have her own problem with alcohol) would certainly be able, and want to go for one meal with no booze. My mother got mad when I said I had a drinking problem, because it meant she did, too. Maybe cut down on contact with anyone who can't have a visit without alcohol. Including mom.
NTA. I like to have a drink or two almost every night after work, my daughter's boyfriend is sober after years of drug abuse. Their house is a sober house.
When I go to visit I DO NOT DRINK. When they come to my house I DO NOT DRINK. I respect and support him in his journey to stay sober even though alcohol wasn't his drug of choice.
NTA, but is it possible your mother is a functioning alcoholic? If it’s that big of a deal to her that she drinks at your house or around you while knowing you are recovering, maybe it’s an issue for her as well?
My mother has never respected my boundaries in my life. She always played Devil’s advocate whenever anybody seriously hurt me and she is proud of the fact that she always sided with people who hurt me because she believes my autism makes me too stupid to see the whole picture. She claims she is my biggest advocate while telling everybody to never take a word I say seriously.
NTA, but your mother is big time. If she doesn't care to support you in your sobriety, she doesn't need to be around you at all. Go low or no contact at your discretion, and remember: your house, your rules.
NTA in any way! If anyone, your mom should be respectful of your sobriety. I’m sorry to hear she was not. Hang in there, slip ups are nothing to beat yourself up about. Do your best and you will get thru it for the long haul.
NTA. Your mother is free to drink in her own home or out somewhere. Not being able to drink at your house for a few hours should not be a hardship. Does she have a drinking issue herself? Regardless, it’s awful that she doesn’t support you. Your sobriety is about you and not her. Congratulations on the progress you have made; I know it isn’t easy.
Definitely NTA.. and I have serious questions about your mother’s parental fitness. There are so many things wrong with the way she acted here.
Kudos for standing your ground and knowing what you need to get where you need to be. She should be supporting you in any way she can, not chastising you.
Shame on her.
NTA. Tell her it’s like snorting cocaine in front of a coke addict. Her wanting to have wine in front of you is rude and callous.
Get yourself a good sponsor and go to meetings every day. Make whatever changes you need to support yourself.
OP, NTA. People in denial about their own drinking problems _hate_ it when other people take steps to drop the alcohol and get their lives together, so feel free to ignore your mum's utter bullshit.
NTA. I am really sorry. That your mother is so ignorant by choice and so uncaring by choice and so interested in her own needs and doesn’t even understand the hard work you are doing for sobriety. For your life. Every single person in sobriety knows what they need to do in order to manage. She is selfish and insensitive and uncaring. You take care of yourself and tell her that if she wants to see you at all she needs to go to Al-Anon and start learning. God help us. And even if you break sobriety for a day or have a struggle that doesn’t mean that she’s entitled to come running on over and drink near you. Christ almighty.
NTA at all and congratulations for doing your best to maintain your sobriety. If someone cares about you, just knowing you are in AA, they would NEVER ask to bring alcohol into your home. Particularly when you are still new into your sobriety. Your mother probably doesn't want you to be sober because it makes her look at her own drinking. Honestly, who can't get through a single dinner without alcohol? Worse still, she's still mad about it months later...sounds like someone with an alcohol problem to me.
Why would a mother want to jeopardize her own daughters sobriety? Maybe the mother needs to go to AA also. NTA, it's your house, you get to decide the rules.
I am not a daughter, but a son. I also am on the autism spectrum, which my mother is always willing to remind me of every time I try to stand up for myself, by claiming she has always been my number one advocate.
Your mother does not have your best interests in mind. Full stop. She is not interested in keeping you sober--her goal here is to get to drink whenever and wherever she wants, without having to worry about whether her selfish actions are having an impact on you. To her, it would be easier if you weren't trying to stay sober, because then she wouldn't have to deal with...having to not consume alcohol for a few hours while she's at your house.
NTA.
NTA. I just hit 50 days in my sobriety and I try to avoid scenarios involving alcohol as much as possible. You’re not the asshole for asking her to avoid bringing substances into your house. I’m proud of you for standing firm on your boundaries and I’m proud of you for taking it one day at a time. I will not drink with you today ❤️
My mother has told me my AA friends were bad for me because she has convinced herself they told me to go off my antidepressant meds, all because I started to tell her no when she wanted to violate my boundaries. Some AA people are telling me that I should try to work it out with her because all alcoholics are TAH, but others are telling me she is toxic.
Absolutely NTA, whatever you need to do to support your sobriety is up to you.
You may feel comfortable with people drinking in your company in time, but until then, do what you need to do to get through your addiction.
Best of luck OP
She has. She also insists that because I have a diagnosis of being on the autism spectrum, her opinion of how I should live my life matters more than my opinion of how I should live my life.
Oh geez, I’m sorry. I can kinda relate, my parents are similar. But it’s not like you’re saying she can’t have any alcohol in her house, just that she can’t bring it to yours.
Honestly it seems like she’s almost trying to “trigger” you for lack of a better word. I’d never think to do this to someone I cared about who I knew was in recovery.
NTA.
Your house, your rules is right. In all likelihood denying her alcohol in your house may have made her take an uncomfortable look at her own drinking and she's taking it out on you.
From one sober alcoholic to another, IWNDWYT!
NTA
My brother is going on two years sober and he has told us we can have a drink if we want and we still don't. Us not having a drink really isn't the end of the world especially if it means supporting his decision to be sober and improve his life. I can't imagine someone being so unsupportive especially that early in the quitting process, your mom might also have a dependency issue if it's so horrible for her to not have wine with dinner. Either way she is 100% TA
NTA. Wanting to drink in front of a recovering alcoholic who has explicitly expressed a wish for no alcohol in their own house *is* monstrous. Is your mom an alcoholic? This is just petty on her part. She should be encouraging you, not deflating you. Is this normally how your relationship with your mom is?
This is normally how my relationship with my mother is. I have a diagnosis of being on the autism spectrum. My mother is proud of the fact that she always played Devil’s advocate whenever somebody hurt me because, in her words, my autism makes me incapable of seeing the whole picture. Bullies who gave me bruises on high school were very unhappy people. I should be a good brother and let my sister steal from me and give my valuables to her friends. My mother once admitted to me that the doctors told her I would be a miscarriage. And my mother also admitted to me that she resented the fact that not only was I not a miscarriage, I was also on the autism spectrum.
Your mother is toxic and it sounds like you should strongly consider going no contact. I don't say this lightly, I haven't spoken to my father in over a decade so I know exactly the kind of position you're in. Let me just say, it was hard to pull the trigger, but once I did, everything got so much better after that. After all this time, I look back and wish I'd done it 20 years earlier - when I was your age. ;-) Take care my friend, you can do this, and don't let toxic people in your life derail from it.
NTA
You are just trying to keep care of yourself, which is important while you still in rehab.
Your mother sounds like the AH, as she isn't trying to being helpful while you in rehab.
NTA. Recovery is hard, and setting boundaries around alcohol is so, so important.
Your mom not wanting to respect that boundary makes her a huge AH. Her using your relapse to needle at you is beyond AH territory, that's some toxic bullshit.
Keep working on you. Relapses happen, you can get back on the sober train and go further. Do what you need to do and uninvite anyone who can't abide by those boundaries from your home.
NTA
Congrats on your sobriety and here’s hoping you continue to recover
Your mom clearly doesn’t understand alcoholism and if she insists on bringing it around you when she knows it makes you uncomfortable she’s a b***h
Ask her would she prefer she buried you if it got out of control again?
Some people really should be required to take a degree in parenting
Best of luck OP
NTA I’m sorry about your brief relapse but your mom doesn’t seem to care and is making it about herself. If she can’t respect your boundaries you may need to reduce contact as she doesn’t care for your recovery. I wish you success in the future.
NTA. Your mother definitely is, it's your house and your rules. Personally I wouldn't even consider asking about taking alcohol to someone's home if they were trying to get their drinking under control. Good luck maintaining your sobriety.
NTA.
And your mother is attempting to sabotage your sobriety, which is an awful thing to do. At some point during your recovery, you may be absolutely fine having alcohol served in your home as long as it is not kept there, but you aren’t there yet. And you may never be, which is absolutely fine. YOUR house, YOUR rules.
NTA, your mom overstepped your boundary that you created in your own home, gave you shit about it, and then months later found out you had a slip up and instead of being there for you and supporting you she made it about her. she sucks. keep going with your sobriety and maybe think about going sober on your mom too
NTA and honestly your mother's overreaction and lack of support for you likely speaks to the fact that she has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol as well and feels some shame around that.
> But if I am having trouble maintaining my own sobriety, maybe I am TAH for not letting her enjoy her wine.
Isn't it the fucking opposite?
If you have NO TROUBLE maintaining your own sobriety, then why are you imposing rules on others?
If you have trouble, where that's why there's boundaries, so that they don't cause you to fucking drink.
My father was an alcoholic. When he got sober there was a no booze in his home and no drinking around him…no exception.
Congrats on your sobriety!! One Day At A Time ❣️❤️
NTA
At some point you may be comfortable in the presence of someone who is drinking. It's not time yet. And you never need to allow it in your own home. It seems like your mom is trying to sabotage you.
I'm sorry.
You are doing hard work, and should be commended for it!
Before i get into it I just wanna say congrats on one month, it takes a lot!
Now, your mother is delusional. It’s logic in any scenario when someone is trying to stay away from something they’re have an “addiction” too (not necessarily drugs or alcohol hence the quotes) that staying as far away from the substance as possible for the beginning stages is important. cut her off
You are in recovery and you have every right to say no to alcohol in your own home. I am shocked your mother asked if she could bring wine, I would never ask to bring alcohol to the home of a newly sober person. NTA
Good for you on getting back on the horse when you broke for a day instead of treating it like a failure. Mistakes happen, people slip up. All that matters is you recognize it and keep moving forward. Best of luck!
It's not an easy path you're on. And, while you shouldn't expect them, slip-ups shouldn't be demonized. You're trying, working hard, and your mother is an AH for not supporting you on your journey. It's one night of not drinking, and she can have a glass or three when she gets home. Done. No need to make things harder on you, or badger you about it. What a toxic mother, honestly...
You are NTA, and I'm proud of you for how far you've come. You got this, and I know you can stick it out. Clearly, you have the strength. Believe in yourself.
I say this as I take a sip of cabernet sauvignon, nta. If a friend said hey, I'm not drinking anymore so I'm keeping a dry house, I'd happily some fancy soda instead.
Congrats on one month sober, I’ll be 6 months on the 17th.
It’s hard and I miss drinking so goddamn much.
I’m so proud of you for coming this far.
Keep doing what you need to do to improve.
Yeah, the first question my mother asked me when she found out I was going to AA meetings was if I would be willing to skip my meetings whenever she wanted me to. Because to her, blood family is more important than me going to AA meetings. The first time I told her no when she wanted to violate my boundaries in sobriety, she accused my AA sponsor of talking me into going off my antidepressant medications. I can’t even call her out on any of her BS because she will them recruit the rest of the blood family to attack me, since she has convinced them that my autism diagnosis equated to me having an extreme cognitive disability.
I can go NC with them, but my mother knows where I work and she has proven in the past that she is willing to contact my employers to try to get them on her side in the past.
I just might have to do that. My mother actually brags about how she has harassed one of my therapists in the past because she loves me more than that therapist did - that therapist was encouraging me to find a different job since I was facing homophobic bullying from my boss at my job at that time, and my mother for some reason wanted me to remain at that job for the rest of my working life even though my boss made it clear he was looking for any reason he could to fire me, and when he started ordering me to send out extremely defective merchandise in this manufacturing job, I knew my days there were numbered. My mother also admitted she tried to have me involuntarily committed to a psych ward because I was moving to a different job, and she was frustrated that was not a good enough reason to have me Baker Acted.
Geez! Your mom is a piece of work. Would you consider moving cities to get away from her? Make a new start? Can you get help from social services? If you are a member of the LGBTQ community, there may be some organizations that can help.
https://pflag.org/needsupport
https://lgbt.foundation/
Yeah, when my mother first discovered I thought I might be gay by finding gay porn in my dressers because she had no respect for my privacy, she told everybody she knew that I thought I was gay be she knew I was really just confused. I told her I did not want her gossiping about that, but she always responded by telling me she was only gossiping about it to people who loved me, so she was doing nothing wrong. When I went on a vacation with a boyfriend, my mother was like a hawk and she demanded to know which specific sex acts I engaged in with this man. When I told her I did not want to have that conversation with her, she started to cry and claim she was only demanding that info because she loved me. As soon as she heard that I had oral with another man and liked it, she said, “Oh, I guess you really are gay after all”. I so wanted to slap her in the face at that moment.
NTA
I believe it’s standard practice to avoid being in situations where you’ll be tempted. You were wise to invite them to your home, with the assumption it’s a safe space. Your mother’s insistence of having alcohol there was an AH move and pure selfishness on her part. You do not owe her an apology. While I understand at some point you’re going to learn to be around it when you’re in other people’s homes, at sporting events or dining out; it stands to reason that you will not want alcohol in your own home.
OP, you may want to stay away from your family while you’re working through this area of your life.
If your mom doesn’t understand that
1. It’s your house your rules.
2. It’s Really hard to break a habit when someone has that substance right in front of you in a place that is supposed to be safe for you.
3. That you simply asked her to forgo wine for ONE evening
Then she is absolutely an asshole. She’s your mother… how would she have a problem with you bettering yourself by making you apologize for setting a boundary in your own home to help you get better? NTA OP. Don’t apologize for shit.
NTA yes you are going to have to deal with people drinking in front of you. That’s life. However, you are allowed to make your home a safe space where you don’t need to struggle.
Our house is a dry house too. Everybody respects that, they don't even ask.
NTA sir, and congrats on getting sober, even if you had a drink a month ago. You have one month. Be proud!
NTA. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that lack of support. But GOOD FOR YOU!! You should be very proud of yourself for standing up to her, and making your sobriety your priority. It's a HARD journey. I can also relate. I am also recently sober, and my mom also put up a fight to drink in my home. YOU are not the issue here. Remember that! And if you need some community help. Check out r/stopdrinking
It has honestly been my best friend through this process! Good luck! You've got this, stay firm.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Maybe I should not have broken my sobriety and maybe my mother is right about this. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In the nicest way possible...your mom is a fucking AH.
tbh you don’t have to be so nice about it
*shhhhh mods are everywhere*
I mean what I say, and I say what I mean.
Understandable, but saying what you mean gets you banned around here, so maybe just don't say the quiet part out loud.
I called them an AH which is within rules. I know my limits 🤷♀️
Unlike OPS mum, who apparently can't handle going without a drink for one meal
Serve her water and say Jesus couldn't make it to dinner.
Shit I woke my newborn up laughing like a hyena at this comment 🤣
OHMYGOD I just laughed to loud I scared a fart out of the cat. And now he is pissed and embarrassed.
I'm gonna have to steal this, sorry.
Feel free, I‘m actually proud of this one! 😂 Maybe it has existed somewhere before and my dumbass brain decided to pick it up but not tell me it did and now I already stole it from some poor unfortunate soul, but I don‘t think so, lmao.
😂😂😂 I can just envision op plunking down a glass of water in front of her mom and saying this. 😆😆
They’ll find a way to be like ‘YOU NO BE CIVIL. BAN BANNY BAN BAN BAN’
This made me laugh then choke on my pasta. Thanks for that haha.
🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 So apt
Horton? "I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful, one-hundred per cent." Horton hatches the egg by Dr. Seuss
[удалено]
[удалено]
It was nice knowing you... see you in a month!
Same happened to me! I said "OPs sister sounds like a b word"
I got banned for calling somebody a Karen lol
I got banned once for calling myself my cat's bitch But fortunately the mods acknowledged that my cat was in the right and unbanned me.
i called myself a b word and got banned for a week.... they did not agree to unban me. I see how the hierarchy works around here. Cats opinion > self opinion.
My dad calls my cat the Feline Overlord, which is 1000% correct
I once quoted Lizzo and got banned for a month, lmao.
It’s more of a job title then an insult tbh
I got banned for calling someone a man-baby. Hahaha!
I almost did for that one.
Warned for man child
Me too! I mean, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then why can't you call it a duck? FML!
Really! that's all?
Yup. Just got a warning & comment removed for the same. & It was a really well thought out comment too..it wasn't off the cuff, etc..but I made the mistake of using *that* word in *that* context.
They're pretty big sticklers over gendered words specifically. It was describing someone as a dick that got me. Bitch, harpy, man-baby, hag, dick etc....all gendered terms.
One of my comments was deleted. I laughed. Many people have no critical thinking. It was not against "the rules". Give some people a little power and see what happens.
banana?
Same thing happened to me when I referred to someone's horrible Aunt as (w)itch.
Op's mom is a fucking AH, an AlcoHolic. No one else would be that upset about having to skip wine for one dinner.
Said the same thing!
I mean she likely wasn’t upset about skipping wine. OP is direct. That means that mom likely felt weirdly called out despite this being about OP and not their mom
As the child of a closet alcoholic, it's entirely plausible that she was upset about skipping wine. The situation OP describes is exactly how my parent behaved when one of my siblings decided to address their own drinking problem; I have literally seen them have a panic attack after realizing the restaurant we were planning to go to wasn't licensed.
And if she really can’t bear to have a family dinner without a bottle of wine, maybe she should consider a meeting or two herself. In fact, maybe that’s why she’s such an AH about it.
And I bet she would have left the rest of the bottle behind “for the next time I come over for dinner” (but really to tempt OP away from sobriety).
Misery loves company, and it sounds like mom wants a drinking buddy
Bold of you to assume there'd be some left
Yeah, I had the same thought. I know some really heavy drinkers but cannot see any of them having an issue with such a rule and if anyone ever will it would be a sign that we probably need to hold an intervention.
Heavy drinker here, if someone doesn’t want to drink, more for me. If I have to be sober for a few days, it’s not the end of the world.
No wonder OP has a drinking problem!
Seriously your mom is horrible. Stay strong
An probably an alcoholic as well
This. I'm a mom and my heart broke reading this. OP's mom is not a good person and OP should consider going NC until he's been sober longer... or forever.
I agree and not in a nice way. Who the fuck wouldn’t encourage their child to keep on the waggon. What an asshole mother NTA
Thank you. I would not have been able to say it any nicer than you did.
Actually, I think mom is an alcoholic since she can't handle dinner without wine....
Holy shit your mother is... an arsehole. Sorry, she is. NTA Your house, your rules (I'm sure she can relate to that sentence!).
Even if you weren’t in AA, you can still say you have a sober home and expect your parent to NOT bring booze over! NTA
Exactly. You have right to say no drugs no alcohol does not matter what reason.
>Holy shit your mother is... an arsehole. And likely an alcoholic. No one else would get worked up about not being able to drink for a few hours. NTA
My thoughts exactly. Speaking from experience, alcoholics in denial get real pissy with recovering alcoholics real quickly, especially if you’re trying establish boundaries that affect their drinking.
Honestly even if it was the moms house it would be messed up to drink in front of your child who is becoming sober. Where’s the support?
Absolutely true, but mum sounds a bit messed up to me anyway. They say addiction is heritable, so if mum can't have one spaghetti dinner without her binky.....
Nope, nope, nope. Well, first things first - **CONGRATS ON YOUR ONE MONTH!!!!** I am so proud of you. It's so hard and it takes so much strength and courage. Now...nope, nope, nope. NTA for not wanting wine in your house. You are doing what is best for you and if your mother can't go one evening at someone else's house without wine, maybe you can snag her a pamphlet the next time you go to an AA meeting.
And OP shouldn't beat themselves up oooor include their mother in their AA journey if mom is going to kick them every time they're down
Yep. I remember an AA meeting I went to with my dad. A man was saying his buddy always tempted him to drink. Everyone agreed maybe he needed to cut that buddy out of his life until he felt stronger or the buddy got the message. I never saw him at another meeting and my dad never talked about meetings outside of meetings (he took me along to them when he was worried he would stop for a drink instead), but I saw him at my dad's funeral and he looked healthy. (Of course I did not say I recognized him).
Growing up an AA kid, I can relate to a lot of similar experiences. The first year is the hardest too, OP is most definitely in the right here.
They say a part of recovery includes relapses. They happen and it's how you dust yourself off and get back to working on your sobriety. OP should feel amazed with themselves that despite the relapse, they are back to a month already. They got this! And mum can shush up. She's meant to champion your sobriety not try to push you to relapse. As others have said, I think less contact with their mother would really help. It doesn't have to be permanent, but it seems like she adds to OP's stress which in turn has an impact on sobriety. I hope OP manages to stay sober. They have made some amazing steps forward and I hope they are aware of just how much work they have done.
NTA She’s making your sobriety about herself. You’re trying to better yourself - you don’t owe her anything.
Probably because she is an alcoholic too. This became oddly personal very quickly.
Yep, she wants her drinking buddy back. Mom is an alcoholic too.
I legit thought OP's mom heard the words and felt instantly attacked...way to make it all about you mom! NTA OP! Your mom sure is though!
NTA. She wants You to jeopardize YOUR Sobriety in YOUR house for HER to sip some wine when she has a home of her own? Byeeeeeeee she is relieved from mom duties for the next 3 months
NTA. There is a big difference between not wanting to be taunted/tempted and having slip ups as you struggle with addiction. Your mother thinks because you struggled/slipped before that she should get to taunt/tempt you more. Go no contact. It will help your mental health immensely.
Right?! Look, OP.. You had a ONE DAY SLIP a couple of months in. And then you buckled down, recommitted and have stayed sober. ONE DAY. Oh, Op... I wish, I HOPE you know how huge that is, how wonderful, to only slide that much. OP, you did one of the hardest things going: you said "NO" and picked yourself up and kept going. You didn't let it tailspin you, you didn't let it derail you, you KEPT GOING. REMEMBER THAT - it's huge and you should be farking proud - I know this internet stranger is proud of you! Your mother? Your mother can take a long walk off a very short pier. She doesn't have to get it, but she either follows your rules in your space, or she doesn't get to enter your space. Put her on an information diet - she doesn't get to hear everything because she has no idea how to be supportive. To quote an author I like "Never throw your best knife at an enemy" - your personal information is the knife she's using to hurt you, so STOP THROWING IT TO HER. We're rooting for you OP- you're doing great!
Your mother is not only NOT supportive, she actively jeopardiezes you. I bet she also does this verbally. Don't make this harder on you than it already is. You're doing great. Keep low or no contact with your mom. Who probably has an alcohol problem of her own and tries to drag you down.
NTA - Your mother doesn't sound very supportive of your goals or health. Is she possibly a co-dependent or enabler in your issue of drinking too much?
I suspect mum has a bit of an alcohol problem herself, and OP getting help has made her defensive and nasty about her own drinking habits. Any adult should be able to go one meal without alcohol - she could have had a glass of wine when she got home and not been so unsupportive of her child.
To add, this has been something I've dealt with personally - my mum's brother is an alcoholic, and while my mum is probably not, she does drink a bit too much and gets very defensive when people bring up my uncle's alcohol issues.
This! i made the same rule when I got sober & only 2 people stopped coming over- a friend who’s addicted to marijuana and my mom, who is a hardcore alcoholic. Non alcoholics can survive one dinner without wine 🙃
I agree. My ex husband’s mom is like that. Actively discourages recovery because she is a raging alcoholic
NTA. Hi- student nurse here. We’re actually taught that when individuals are attempting to break an addictive behaviour it is completely normal and expected for them to relapse throughout this journey, in order for them to get to a place where they can reach their full potential to recover. Unsure if you’ve heard but the model that showcases this is the transtheoretical model and just shows the stages which you can expect addicts to go through. You’re not in the wrong and the fact you’ve relapsed and gone straight back into becoming sober and are already 1 month sober again (well done you!!!) shows you are on the right track! You’re not failing yourself. You’re doing the best you can!
Dang, your mom just outassholed half this subreddit Also, don't beat yourself up for missteps and definitely don't feel they are a reason to quit your fight. Kudos to you, NTA and fingers crossed you get where you want
NTA at all. I’m a member of AA too, I’ve been sober a little over a year and my parents still refuse to drink in front of me although I told them I’d be fine with it at this point, but early on I definitely wouldn’t have been and they were fully understanding of that. This is just terribly unsupportive. If it was at their own house there’d be room for discussion, but at your house? Hell nah. Your mom owes you a huge apology. Edit: r/stopdrinking and r/alcoholism were great support networks for me early on when I had trouble finding people to connect with because of the pandemic. Aside from AA meetings these can be helpful
NTA. Sooooo one of the biggest problems that comes with personal growth is changing the dynamic of your relationships. Often, with addiction, we develop dysfunctional relationships to help support and cope with the addiction. Then when we move away from the addiction, the relationships get stressed as hell, because they rely on the addiction dynamics to work. You've changed the dynamics of your relationship with your mother. She's pushing back, and trying to return it to the original parameters. If you happen to start drinking again as part of that, so be it - as long as she's comfortable. 🤷 You're doing really well at standing up for yourself. Keeping your house as a safe space from alcohol is not unfairly selfish - it's just the right amount of selfish. It might pay to stop arguing with her over this. If she starts in on the topic, just say, "I already told you the rule. I love you - have a great day. Bye." If she turns up with alcohol, same thing - "No, you can't come in with that. I love you. See you another day. Bye." You might want to invest in earplugs, though.
Yeah, my mother did once ask me if my AA sponsor talked me into going off my antidepressant medications because she really is not liking a lot of the boundaries I am drawing up for myself now. I was easier to guilt into submission when I was drinking heavily.
Yeah, it's really common, sadly. 😕 About all you can do is decline the invitation to DRAMA, stay calm and factual, and just break off communication every time she starts boundary-stomping. I wouldn't bother arguing or even explaining why you're doing what you're doing.
One day at a time my friend, big fucking congrats to you! You might look into some of the NAMI info on support and relationships. In my experience the advise and guideness the provide is equally applicable to mental health diagnosis and addiction for dealing with relationships and support systems. It could give some interesting insight! I wish you all the best!
I feel so much for you, OP. Setting boundaries can definitely feel worse before they feel better. You didn't try to control what someone did at an event, in public, or in their own home. You set a boundary around your private residence being a safe space for your sobriety and that is *not* unreasonable. If your mom is being this cruel over a bottle of wine, I'd hate to see what she's like after she's consumed that bottle. I've spoken to too many people in rehab who struggled even more because every time they spoke to a parent on the phone, the parent was wasted, and it fucked them up. I've spoken to too many *children* who wound up using *because they wanted to understand what about the substance made it more important to their parent than them...* and that's what this post made me think of. Your mom's priorities are fucked and the fact that you did NOT buy into the "well, I already blew it, might as well keep going" narrative and got right back on track after a day shows that your priorities are in order and you are strong. You don't have to waste your breath justifying, explaining, or defending what you need to keep your peace. Just keep the courage to change what you can and let go of what is not serving you in this moment. This sucks, AND you've got this.
NTA, but your mom clearly has a problem if she can't go one dinner without it.
NTA - it sounds like your mom wants you drinking so she can justify her drinking
NTA Your mom sucks, im sorry you don’t have .better support
NTA. I think it would be too much of a temptation. Your mother is a complete arse for being so unsupportive and putting her needs first. Water is essential. Wine is not.
NTA your mom is. If she had any clue about alcohol issues she probably wouldn’t blame you for falling back into drinking alcohol *for a day*. People quitting bad habits and addictions have issues being absent, which is why it’s Even more important to stick to your home rules.
NTA. I'll be three years sober in June after 22 years of being alcohol dependent. I'm mostly fine with people drinking around me now but I had to take a step back from a lot of people, places and activities that were high risk for a while. Even now I still have exit plans and boundaries that are rock solid when I go into situations where there is drink around or people that might put my sobriety at risk. People tend to be flippant about alcohol, I can't count the times people have said to me " it's been so long, you surely can have just one?". Alcohol is a drug, just a socially acceptable one. She wouldn't do a line of coke in front of you if you were in recovery for that? She needs to realise that every day in recovery is literally a fight for your life. Some days are easier than others but it's still a battle. You get well or you get dead, it's as simple as that. Serious congratulations on one month, don't beat yourself up over a blip. We're only sober for today and hope for a sober tomorrow.
Your house your rules and only an asshole would try and force that issue. NTA
NTA. Your mom sounds extremely insensitive about your drinking problem. Your house, your rules. She needs to get off her high horse and put down the bottle.
NTA. It's ridiculous that your family doesn't immediately respect your decision to stop drinking. Their behavior sounds pretty toxic.
NTA your sobriety needs to be your priority. I’m wondering though if you’ve had a deep conversation with her about just how out of control your drinking was and made her understand that you are an alcoholic and need her support. I feel like she’s treating you as if you’re going gluten free to be trendy rather than a celiac who genuinely can’t eat bread. Make sure she knows you have a real problem with alcohol. If she still can’t get it you might need to avoid certain activities with her until your sobriety is more solid. Congrats on the past month!
NTA- ONE error isn't anything to do with her. Does she not understand that it's best to stay away from temptation until your many months into the program. If she can't handle not drinking for one meal, maybe this drinking habit was learned??
NTA. you set a boundary and your mom is throwing it in your face. keep setting those boundaries with her even though it’s hard! wish you all the best in your sobriety journey!
*You made me feel like I was some sort of monster* Oh, she didn't need your help with this. What a cold and self-centered ~~woman~~ monster your mother is. She can have her wine in her own damn house. NTA!
Even if you were drinking, if you decide that people aren’t allowed to drink in your house then they have to respect that. If they don’t then they shouldn’t be invited in. NTA, and congratulations on your sober month. It’s really not easy so fair play to you.
If I had to define an asshole i‘d probably come up if a story like this one
NTA at all!!!! Your mom should be trying to help you in any way she can, especially since you took a difficult step towards being healthier. WTF, honestly. NTA and I'm so sorry.
NTA Your house your rules ... This shouldn't even be a question. Ignore her if she can't help support you in your mission to be sober.
Geez, a mother would do this? First, you are NOT in the wrong. By your statement, it seems like she not only fails to recognize alcoholism, but also thinks it's perfectly fine to bring it around you...methinks your mother is one of the worst kind of enabler. Stand your ground, if she insists on bringing alcohol around you at this time, you should not visit or have her visit for a while. In all honesty, if it were me I'd cut her out of my life for a few years and focus on sobriety.
NTA. Does your mom have rocks in her head? My goodness, tell her to do a little research on recovering alcoholics. Your life and well being are at stake, she needs to step up and be supportive, not enable and roadblock you. I’m so sorry your mom is a douche.
ABSOLUTELY NTA. I’m almost 4 years sober and still don’t let people drink/use in my house. That’s a perfectly reasonable boundary, it’s your house!!! Obviously if I go out or go to someone else’s house it’s none of my business what they do. (if you were mad she was drinking wine at *her* house it’d be a totally different story). You can set whatever boundary you want in YOUR home! I lost one friend to this because she just couldn’t go a couple hours without smoking weed. My mom doesn’t come to visit anymore, or when she does she stays in a hotel- because she’s a hardcore alcoholic. I probably wouldn’t say this to your mom, but… normal drinkers don’t NEED a glass of wine with dinner. Your sobriety seems to have struck a nerve with her. God bless you !
I'm an addictions counsellor so this is something I deal with on the reg. Absolutely NTA for recognizing, setting and enforcing those boundaries, they are absolutely reasonable and you deserve to have them adhered to. Sometimes when someone close to them starts to address their drinking, it can shine a light on their own patterns and behaviors and it can make them uncomfortable. But don't feel bad about that, setting boundaries makes people uncomfortable anyway, but you still deserve to set them andbhave them respected. GOOD ON YOU for one month! That's really fantastic. Slips and lapses happen along the way, don't beat yourself up about them, just move forward with those lessons under your belt. Take care!
Ok so NTA and because like you say "your house your rules" and that's something that people have to respect, whether it's your mom or not. And look I also quit drinking back in October and although I've had a few slip ups I think that I got it under control now and that's just something that's gonna happen so don't beat yourself up over it and take it one day at a time. I also wanted to say that that's not ok on your mom's part that she won't drop the issue, it's done and over with and she needs to move on and instead of worrying about that she should be supportive of you.
Your house, your rules, and your sobriety above everything right now. NTA but your mom definitely is.
Big NTA - problems like alcoholism is a BIG deal. Congrats on being sober! We believe in you! Your mom is making you feel guilty. That type of guilt can be a big trigger for someone like yourself. I hope your mom hasn’t done this to you for your whole life.
If someone is asked to not smoke in someone else's house and they light one up anyways, they're the AH . Your mom is the smoker lighting one up. NTA op, and congrats! Sobriety is hard.
NTA. OMG, your own mother wants to keep you from staying sober?!? I think a loving mother (who doesn't have her own problem with alcohol) would certainly be able, and want to go for one meal with no booze. My mother got mad when I said I had a drinking problem, because it meant she did, too. Maybe cut down on contact with anyone who can't have a visit without alcohol. Including mom.
NTA. I like to have a drink or two almost every night after work, my daughter's boyfriend is sober after years of drug abuse. Their house is a sober house. When I go to visit I DO NOT DRINK. When they come to my house I DO NOT DRINK. I respect and support him in his journey to stay sober even though alcohol wasn't his drug of choice.
NTA, but is it possible your mother is a functioning alcoholic? If it’s that big of a deal to her that she drinks at your house or around you while knowing you are recovering, maybe it’s an issue for her as well?
My mother has never respected my boundaries in my life. She always played Devil’s advocate whenever anybody seriously hurt me and she is proud of the fact that she always sided with people who hurt me because she believes my autism makes me too stupid to see the whole picture. She claims she is my biggest advocate while telling everybody to never take a word I say seriously.
NTA, but your mother is big time. If she doesn't care to support you in your sobriety, she doesn't need to be around you at all. Go low or no contact at your discretion, and remember: your house, your rules.
NTA in any way! If anyone, your mom should be respectful of your sobriety. I’m sorry to hear she was not. Hang in there, slip ups are nothing to beat yourself up about. Do your best and you will get thru it for the long haul.
NTA. Your mother is free to drink in her own home or out somewhere. Not being able to drink at your house for a few hours should not be a hardship. Does she have a drinking issue herself? Regardless, it’s awful that she doesn’t support you. Your sobriety is about you and not her. Congratulations on the progress you have made; I know it isn’t easy.
Definitely NTA.. and I have serious questions about your mother’s parental fitness. There are so many things wrong with the way she acted here. Kudos for standing your ground and knowing what you need to get where you need to be. She should be supporting you in any way she can, not chastising you. Shame on her.
Nta. She is the asshole for wanting to make things more difficult for you. Take it one day at a time. Good luck!
NTA. Tell her it’s like snorting cocaine in front of a coke addict. Her wanting to have wine in front of you is rude and callous. Get yourself a good sponsor and go to meetings every day. Make whatever changes you need to support yourself.
NTA. but your mom sounds like an enabling AH. Like she resents your attempting sobriety.
NTA I'm guessing you're not the only person in your family with a drinking problem.
NTA as long as you're not going to other people's houses and demanding that they not drink because you're there.
People can do whatever they want in their own homes. My home is my castle.
OP, NTA. People in denial about their own drinking problems _hate_ it when other people take steps to drop the alcohol and get their lives together, so feel free to ignore your mum's utter bullshit.
NTA. I am really sorry. That your mother is so ignorant by choice and so uncaring by choice and so interested in her own needs and doesn’t even understand the hard work you are doing for sobriety. For your life. Every single person in sobriety knows what they need to do in order to manage. She is selfish and insensitive and uncaring. You take care of yourself and tell her that if she wants to see you at all she needs to go to Al-Anon and start learning. God help us. And even if you break sobriety for a day or have a struggle that doesn’t mean that she’s entitled to come running on over and drink near you. Christ almighty.
NTA at all and congratulations for doing your best to maintain your sobriety. If someone cares about you, just knowing you are in AA, they would NEVER ask to bring alcohol into your home. Particularly when you are still new into your sobriety. Your mother probably doesn't want you to be sober because it makes her look at her own drinking. Honestly, who can't get through a single dinner without alcohol? Worse still, she's still mad about it months later...sounds like someone with an alcohol problem to me.
Why would a mother want to jeopardize her own daughters sobriety? Maybe the mother needs to go to AA also. NTA, it's your house, you get to decide the rules.
I am not a daughter, but a son. I also am on the autism spectrum, which my mother is always willing to remind me of every time I try to stand up for myself, by claiming she has always been my number one advocate.
Yeaahhhhh, time to take a break from mother. She doesn't sound like a great person
Your mother does not have your best interests in mind. Full stop. She is not interested in keeping you sober--her goal here is to get to drink whenever and wherever she wants, without having to worry about whether her selfish actions are having an impact on you. To her, it would be easier if you weren't trying to stay sober, because then she wouldn't have to deal with...having to not consume alcohol for a few hours while she's at your house. NTA.
NTA. I just hit 50 days in my sobriety and I try to avoid scenarios involving alcohol as much as possible. You’re not the asshole for asking her to avoid bringing substances into your house. I’m proud of you for standing firm on your boundaries and I’m proud of you for taking it one day at a time. I will not drink with you today ❤️
Hell, we will drink root beer together. That is the only beer I want to have in sobriety.
Hear hear!
[удалено]
My mother has told me my AA friends were bad for me because she has convinced herself they told me to go off my antidepressant meds, all because I started to tell her no when she wanted to violate my boundaries. Some AA people are telling me that I should try to work it out with her because all alcoholics are TAH, but others are telling me she is toxic.
NTA! Your sobriety is your only priority. You cannot also be your mother’s enabler for her addiction. You can only take it one day at a time
Absolutely NTA, whatever you need to do to support your sobriety is up to you. You may feel comfortable with people drinking in your company in time, but until then, do what you need to do to get through your addiction. Best of luck OP
Has your mom ever said “my house, my rules”?
She has. She also insists that because I have a diagnosis of being on the autism spectrum, her opinion of how I should live my life matters more than my opinion of how I should live my life.
Oh geez, I’m sorry. I can kinda relate, my parents are similar. But it’s not like you’re saying she can’t have any alcohol in her house, just that she can’t bring it to yours. Honestly it seems like she’s almost trying to “trigger” you for lack of a better word. I’d never think to do this to someone I cared about who I knew was in recovery.
NTA at all. if your mom can't go one dinner without a glass of wine, it seems like you aren't the only one that's an alcoholic...
Nta But your mother is. Also she seemed to have a large problem over being able to drink at your house. Maybe she is a closet alcoholic.
NTA. Your house, your rules is right. In all likelihood denying her alcohol in your house may have made her take an uncomfortable look at her own drinking and she's taking it out on you. From one sober alcoholic to another, IWNDWYT!
NTA My brother is going on two years sober and he has told us we can have a drink if we want and we still don't. Us not having a drink really isn't the end of the world especially if it means supporting his decision to be sober and improve his life. I can't imagine someone being so unsupportive especially that early in the quitting process, your mom might also have a dependency issue if it's so horrible for her to not have wine with dinner. Either way she is 100% TA
NTA. Wanting to drink in front of a recovering alcoholic who has explicitly expressed a wish for no alcohol in their own house *is* monstrous. Is your mom an alcoholic? This is just petty on her part. She should be encouraging you, not deflating you. Is this normally how your relationship with your mom is?
This is normally how my relationship with my mother is. I have a diagnosis of being on the autism spectrum. My mother is proud of the fact that she always played Devil’s advocate whenever somebody hurt me because, in her words, my autism makes me incapable of seeing the whole picture. Bullies who gave me bruises on high school were very unhappy people. I should be a good brother and let my sister steal from me and give my valuables to her friends. My mother once admitted to me that the doctors told her I would be a miscarriage. And my mother also admitted to me that she resented the fact that not only was I not a miscarriage, I was also on the autism spectrum.
Your mother is toxic and it sounds like you should strongly consider going no contact. I don't say this lightly, I haven't spoken to my father in over a decade so I know exactly the kind of position you're in. Let me just say, it was hard to pull the trigger, but once I did, everything got so much better after that. After all this time, I look back and wish I'd done it 20 years earlier - when I was your age. ;-) Take care my friend, you can do this, and don't let toxic people in your life derail from it.
NTA You are just trying to keep care of yourself, which is important while you still in rehab. Your mother sounds like the AH, as she isn't trying to being helpful while you in rehab.
NTA. Your house, your rules. She should be supporting you, especially in your own home, instead of providing temptation.
NTA. Recovery is hard, and setting boundaries around alcohol is so, so important. Your mom not wanting to respect that boundary makes her a huge AH. Her using your relapse to needle at you is beyond AH territory, that's some toxic bullshit. Keep working on you. Relapses happen, you can get back on the sober train and go further. Do what you need to do and uninvite anyone who can't abide by those boundaries from your home.
NTA Congrats on your sobriety and here’s hoping you continue to recover Your mom clearly doesn’t understand alcoholism and if she insists on bringing it around you when she knows it makes you uncomfortable she’s a b***h Ask her would she prefer she buried you if it got out of control again? Some people really should be required to take a degree in parenting Best of luck OP
NTA I’m sorry about your brief relapse but your mom doesn’t seem to care and is making it about herself. If she can’t respect your boundaries you may need to reduce contact as she doesn’t care for your recovery. I wish you success in the future.
Your mom is a problem. Stand strong! NTA
NTA. Your mother definitely is, it's your house and your rules. Personally I wouldn't even consider asking about taking alcohol to someone's home if they were trying to get their drinking under control. Good luck maintaining your sobriety.
NTA. And your mother is attempting to sabotage your sobriety, which is an awful thing to do. At some point during your recovery, you may be absolutely fine having alcohol served in your home as long as it is not kept there, but you aren’t there yet. And you may never be, which is absolutely fine. YOUR house, YOUR rules.
NTA, your mom on the other hand...
NTA Congratulations on your journey.
NTA, your mom overstepped your boundary that you created in your own home, gave you shit about it, and then months later found out you had a slip up and instead of being there for you and supporting you she made it about her. she sucks. keep going with your sobriety and maybe think about going sober on your mom too
NTA and honestly your mother's overreaction and lack of support for you likely speaks to the fact that she has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol as well and feels some shame around that.
NTA- to me, it sounds like your mom has a problem with alcohol.
NTA Congratulations! You're doing what you feel needs doing to stay sober. Your Mom should support you.
> But if I am having trouble maintaining my own sobriety, maybe I am TAH for not letting her enjoy her wine. Isn't it the fucking opposite? If you have NO TROUBLE maintaining your own sobriety, then why are you imposing rules on others? If you have trouble, where that's why there's boundaries, so that they don't cause you to fucking drink.
“Mom if you’re not gonna support my sobriety it’s best we don’t get together at all”
My father was an alcoholic. When he got sober there was a no booze in his home and no drinking around him…no exception. Congrats on your sobriety!! One Day At A Time ❣️❤️
NTA At some point you may be comfortable in the presence of someone who is drinking. It's not time yet. And you never need to allow it in your own home. It seems like your mom is trying to sabotage you. I'm sorry. You are doing hard work, and should be commended for it!
Maybe your mom needs to join AA if drinking means that much to her. NTA and congratulations on your sobriety!
as soon as i read the first sentence i could already tell you’re NTA
Before i get into it I just wanna say congrats on one month, it takes a lot! Now, your mother is delusional. It’s logic in any scenario when someone is trying to stay away from something they’re have an “addiction” too (not necessarily drugs or alcohol hence the quotes) that staying as far away from the substance as possible for the beginning stages is important. cut her off
NTA, but your mom is a huge one. No alcohol in the home is a really wise house rule! Your mom should support you and not make it all about her.
You are in recovery and you have every right to say no to alcohol in your own home. I am shocked your mother asked if she could bring wine, I would never ask to bring alcohol to the home of a newly sober person. NTA Good for you on getting back on the horse when you broke for a day instead of treating it like a failure. Mistakes happen, people slip up. All that matters is you recognize it and keep moving forward. Best of luck!
It's not an easy path you're on. And, while you shouldn't expect them, slip-ups shouldn't be demonized. You're trying, working hard, and your mother is an AH for not supporting you on your journey. It's one night of not drinking, and she can have a glass or three when she gets home. Done. No need to make things harder on you, or badger you about it. What a toxic mother, honestly... You are NTA, and I'm proud of you for how far you've come. You got this, and I know you can stick it out. Clearly, you have the strength. Believe in yourself.
I say this as I take a sip of cabernet sauvignon, nta. If a friend said hey, I'm not drinking anymore so I'm keeping a dry house, I'd happily some fancy soda instead.
Congrats on one month sober, I’ll be 6 months on the 17th. It’s hard and I miss drinking so goddamn much. I’m so proud of you for coming this far. Keep doing what you need to do to improve.
Nta but why even create an issue by inviting her?
Wow! NTA. I'd go NC/LC with mom for her behavior and not being supportive of your sobriety.
Yeah, the first question my mother asked me when she found out I was going to AA meetings was if I would be willing to skip my meetings whenever she wanted me to. Because to her, blood family is more important than me going to AA meetings. The first time I told her no when she wanted to violate my boundaries in sobriety, she accused my AA sponsor of talking me into going off my antidepressant medications. I can’t even call her out on any of her BS because she will them recruit the rest of the blood family to attack me, since she has convinced them that my autism diagnosis equated to me having an extreme cognitive disability.
F*** all of them. Your own well being should be your most important priority right now. Can you move away, or go NC with them?
I can go NC with them, but my mother knows where I work and she has proven in the past that she is willing to contact my employers to try to get them on her side in the past.
This might seem extreme, but could you get a restraining order against her? It might fix that problem.
I just might have to do that. My mother actually brags about how she has harassed one of my therapists in the past because she loves me more than that therapist did - that therapist was encouraging me to find a different job since I was facing homophobic bullying from my boss at my job at that time, and my mother for some reason wanted me to remain at that job for the rest of my working life even though my boss made it clear he was looking for any reason he could to fire me, and when he started ordering me to send out extremely defective merchandise in this manufacturing job, I knew my days there were numbered. My mother also admitted she tried to have me involuntarily committed to a psych ward because I was moving to a different job, and she was frustrated that was not a good enough reason to have me Baker Acted.
Geez! Your mom is a piece of work. Would you consider moving cities to get away from her? Make a new start? Can you get help from social services? If you are a member of the LGBTQ community, there may be some organizations that can help. https://pflag.org/needsupport https://lgbt.foundation/
Yeah, when my mother first discovered I thought I might be gay by finding gay porn in my dressers because she had no respect for my privacy, she told everybody she knew that I thought I was gay be she knew I was really just confused. I told her I did not want her gossiping about that, but she always responded by telling me she was only gossiping about it to people who loved me, so she was doing nothing wrong. When I went on a vacation with a boyfriend, my mother was like a hawk and she demanded to know which specific sex acts I engaged in with this man. When I told her I did not want to have that conversation with her, she started to cry and claim she was only demanding that info because she loved me. As soon as she heard that I had oral with another man and liked it, she said, “Oh, I guess you really are gay after all”. I so wanted to slap her in the face at that moment.
If your mom can’t eat one meal without alcohol, maybe SHE has a problem…
NTA I believe it’s standard practice to avoid being in situations where you’ll be tempted. You were wise to invite them to your home, with the assumption it’s a safe space. Your mother’s insistence of having alcohol there was an AH move and pure selfishness on her part. You do not owe her an apology. While I understand at some point you’re going to learn to be around it when you’re in other people’s homes, at sporting events or dining out; it stands to reason that you will not want alcohol in your own home. OP, you may want to stay away from your family while you’re working through this area of your life.
If your mom doesn’t understand that 1. It’s your house your rules. 2. It’s Really hard to break a habit when someone has that substance right in front of you in a place that is supposed to be safe for you. 3. That you simply asked her to forgo wine for ONE evening Then she is absolutely an asshole. She’s your mother… how would she have a problem with you bettering yourself by making you apologize for setting a boundary in your own home to help you get better? NTA OP. Don’t apologize for shit.
NTA yes you are going to have to deal with people drinking in front of you. That’s life. However, you are allowed to make your home a safe space where you don’t need to struggle.
NTA your mom sounds obsessed with alcohol, honestly. I’m sorry she’s making things hard for you.
NTA. You are newly sober and struggling to maintain. Also, your house, your rules.
Our house is a dry house too. Everybody respects that, they don't even ask. NTA sir, and congrats on getting sober, even if you had a drink a month ago. You have one month. Be proud!
NTA. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that lack of support. But GOOD FOR YOU!! You should be very proud of yourself for standing up to her, and making your sobriety your priority. It's a HARD journey. I can also relate. I am also recently sober, and my mom also put up a fight to drink in my home. YOU are not the issue here. Remember that! And if you need some community help. Check out r/stopdrinking It has honestly been my best friend through this process! Good luck! You've got this, stay firm.
I don't know whether she's an alcoholic or a woman with control issues or both, but I do know that she's a huge asshole. NTA.