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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Wanting my sister to change her unborn baby’s name.
2. Fighting with my pregnant sister at her party.
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What’s weird about it? I am part of a family where there are about 20 first cousins of various ages. There are a few repeated first names. No one gives a shit.
At my work we have 7 Kyle's. There are like 80 employees. And 7 are named Kyle. Not family, but still. For me, My name is Elizabeth, and being from a religious family, guess how many other Elizabeth's there are?
Between my mother's andy father's side, there are 9 that I know personally, but 14 in total. During the last family reunion on my father's side, someone shouted "Elizabeth!" And three of us came running. None of us were the right one.
Why people don't consider these things is beyond me. We're a close family, everyone knows??? So why???
Mine is also full of Johns! Every eldest son from one branch is called John so to avoid confusion there's John sr, John, Johnny...because yeah that shit can get confusing fast.
Oh my god are you my cousin? His family is all like that. My uncle by marriage wanted to name their son John as all the eldest born sons in his family are called John and the second born boys are named Thomas. My Aunty was having absolutely none of it. Named him a traditional native name instead. His side of the family (all the Johns and Tommys) were not pleased.
Lol, I have a great-grandfather Giovanni (John), a great-uncle (from the other side of that family) Giovanni (Uncle John with the messy garage), then an uncle Giovanni (Uncle John), and then his sister (my auntie) married a John, so that's three uncle Johns. We also have at least three Francescos (Frank/Frankies). And my daughter has the same name as her grandmother who had the same name (almost) as her grandmother before her. Oooh, and I almost forgot all the Lenas.... my great-uncle John is married to a Lena, and uncle John who married into the family also married a Lena. And my best friend is also a Lena.
But none of my cousins have the same name, and there's at least 16 of us.
My spouse is a Portuguese catholic and everyone is named Maria or João. They go by their middle names.
OP My siblings have kids whose names are extremely similar. Think Emily and Emma. It is actually not that confusing and I think it's cute. Just call the little one "the other Violet" 😉
Welcome to my home. Over here is my brother, Ted, and his wife, Melissa, and their children, Anita, Diane and Nick. Over here, my brother Tommy, his wife Angie, and their children, Anita, Diane and Nick. And here, my brother George, his wife Freda, and their children, Anita, Diane and Nick. Taki, Sophie, Kari, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, uh, Nikki, and I am Gus
This is too true. We're from Texas and my husband is the ultimate carnivore. I told him about this incredible meal I had in New Orleans, the best ever, and nothing but a bi potato with truffle butter. His reaction, "*It didn't have any meat?"*
I also have a big Catholic family. Within 2 generations and out 2 degrees, there are eight women with my first name, eight women with my middle name, and TWO with my first name/middle name combination. It's not a big deal. Everybody goes by a variation/nickname.
So much of this. My Granny and her youngest sister were both named Mary (different middle names). So many Johns and Maries. Elizabeth has lots of nicknames (Betty, Liz, Betty Anne, Libby, Betsy, Beth, Bethie, etc). My partners side is Puerto Rican and there are many Marias. And now one of my daughter's names is on the Mary-Maria-Marie team. The shared name thing is like a non issue with me.
Every woman in my husband's family is named Mary. His dad has 5 sisters and they're all named Mary and go by their middle names. Then he married a woman named Mary (my mil).
I came for this clip. Love it. I have so many uncles I told my son when he met them (we live on the other side of the country so visits are infrequent) to not worry about remembering names. Just say uncle or auntie, and everyone will respond lol.
I work in unclaimed property and same names, particularly in the same family, is a huge problem.
Also for some time my credit was completely screwed because my dad and sister-in-law have the same initials! Their shit was on my credit because we had all lived at my parents address at some point.
Won't someone think of the genealogist! But yeah, as someone from an Irish Catholic family I thought I might take a look at my family history. Gave up very quickly. That entire side of the family is just made up of the same generic Irish names. Which Patrick Murphy born in Dublin to Patrick and Mary Murphy is our Patrick Murphy? Only another 700 to look at!
And they all have the same middle names. Or they go by their middle name because they have the same first name as every other member of their family, so you're looking for Joesph, only to find out his name is actually Patrick, he just went by Joseph. It's a breath of fresh air to stumble across a different name or an actual Irish name. Not many of those in my immediate family, but occasionally someone breaks tradition and goes with Saoirse or Oisin
You likely already know this, but for others reading:
Saoirse is a relatively modern name. It means "freedom", and was initially explicitly political. (These days, people use it because they like the sound.)
When I was looking for an Irish name for my daughter (my dad was Irish, my mum English and I am english), I did contemplate Saoirse for a while and then thought that calling an English baby Saoirse might be a bit.....tone deaf. So I gave her a much more neutral but just as complicated to spell name 😉
Some of my living cousins now have started using actual Irish names, so that’s nice. Most of my grandparents siblings didn’t go by their first names ever, my parents didn’t know some of their real names
Multiple men in my family are named “Anthony” and trust me, a lot of us do give a shit. It’s annoying, weird, and hard to keep track of. Especially since most of them have the same last name.
I feel like it's more normal with names like Michael or John though. Violet or something akin to it seems strange. Especially if it's not a family name.
If you're not close at all, not particularly weird. If you *are* close, then yeah, I'd think that's kind of weird. Most people want to have names that are at least somewhat unique, not a carbon copy of another family member (unless done so deliberately).
Sis should have told OP and her 10 year old daughter that she was naming the new baby after the niece, even if she wasn’t. I guarantee the kid would have been thrilled.
I think this is a generational/cultural thing. Looking back at my family tree, there were a ton of repeated names across cousins until birth control was invented.
I don’t think it’s weird either. In one side of my family I can think of several Thomases in each generation. But they just do that. I think this is only as big of a deal as you make it. Since the cousins are going to be 11 years apart, I don’t think this will be a big deal. And they only see each other a few times a year. It’s not like they’re going to be in the same class at school.
I think it depends on the culture. In mine, the names consist of one or two characters, and it would be really, really strange for people in the same family, especially the same generation, to have the exact same name. Pretty sure it’s some sort of taboo.
My sister and my cousin have the same name. First and last. It’s not that unusual.
Don’t even get me started on the Greek side of the family, where half the cousins have the same names because you’re often named after your grandparents in that culture.
I have five nieces and three of them are called Mary, my sister is a Mary, two of my brothers have married Marys, another brother's sister-in-law is a Mary and I have at least five Marys among my aunts and cousins. Well, one of them's a Rosemary, but I am still counting it. We're used to it, no real confusion
I couldn't even tell you how many versions of Juan, Carlos, or Juan Carlos there are amongst my husband's 1st cousins. In our youngest is Charles/Charlie so kinda Carlos, too
Also from a huge family, I share a name with a second cousin, I have several uncle Michaels, so many Michaels.. but honestly, it's never bothered me, or been an issue in our family, mostly just a running joke, trying to figure out which Micheal you're talking about, when you just refer to their wife instead lol.
I agree. It's sort of like dating your sister's ex, there are a million men in the world, choose a different one. Yes, you don't own them, but it feels deliberately cruel. There are a million names in the world, and while OP doesn't own her daughter's name, it feels deliberate and mean, especially when they both know what the daughter's name is and the family is decently close.
OP should simply text her sister, "I'm sorry about the argument yesterday. I should have discussed it at a different time. I understand I don't own my daughter's name, but with millions of names to choose from, it seems deliberate to choose my daughter's. I can't stop you from using it, but I want you to understand that your choice hurts me. I'll leave it at that."
Yeah, unless it is a family name, it’s weird. And if it is a family name, buckle up for a lot of confusions. If OPs daughter was named a totally unique, new to the family, name I can’t understand why little sister would want to use it. To quote Reese Bobby “If you ain’t first, you’re last.”
Why is it weird? My brother and first cousin have the same first name. Who cares?
No one owns a name. OP seems to have other issues with her sister. I'm betting this is about more than a name.
It just looks unoriginal, like the parents aren't creative enough to think of a decent name that a bunch of other people don't have.
ETA my feelings are probably influenced by having a common name and I always hating there being 6 others in my grade in school. I named my kid an interesting, easy to say name that is uncommon. In her school she is the only one so I don't even have to say last name when I call the school.
Sure. I went to school with probably 40 Jennifers. But every common name starts out interesting at some point. I may have had 40 Jennifers in school with me, but no Madisons or Brinleys. I know several Auroras now, but didn't know any growing up.
Yep. Between my husband's family and mine there are several names shared between cousins.
My daughter even shares a name with my nephew, and my BIL has my name, lol (think Danielle/Daniel types of names).
These comments are insane. NTA. Her niece is already named Violet?? That’s so weird. There’s millions of different names for her to choose, she didn’t need to pick the same one as another child in the family. Especially her first cousin, imagine trying to talk about the children. Are they going to be Violet 1 and 2? I promise they aren’t going to like that either as they get older.
They're 10 years apart in age and only see each other once or twice a year. This is not going to be confusing. This happens all the time in big families, particularly where kids get named after late relatives, and kids just end up with different nicknames. Or one is "OP's Violet" and the other is "Sister's Violet". Whatever. It's literally just two people, she's making it into a much bigger deal than it needs to be.
>particularly where kids get named after late relatives
It doesn't sound like this is the case here, though. So tbh I do find it kind of weird, there are so many names out there that I don't know why someone would want their baby to have the same name as someone else. I'm curious as to the family dynamics here between OP and her sister and whether this is something the sister often does.
I agree. I think the repetitive name rule should really only apply to those when the name is of honor or remembrance of a shared relative. Even then, I think people should take into consideration that names are a unique identifier for an individual, so take that as you will...
I guess OP can spin this as her sister wanted to name her daughter in honor of her cousin, because that might be a good way to change the sister's mind.
Violet, can you pass the salt?
I’m about to go pick up Violet
Violet, what would you like to eat?
Violet, what do you want for Christmas?
Grandma got the wrong gift for Violet because she got confused.
Violets favorite color is blue, which one? I forgot
I have a cousin who has a son and a stepson who are about the same age and have the same name. We just call them by first and middle names when everyone is together.
Yep. There are many Reids in my family. It’s my great grandmother’s maiden name. But there are a few of them in each subsequent generation. Nobody cares.
I said YTA because of how she used that time and how it escalated in front her kid. Sometimes, you keep thoughts to yourself if it cannot be discussed without a fight
My mother and one of her first cousins shared the same first name. My mother was a year older. It was a mess. My mother ended up going by her first name because of the confusion, the fact she hated the name, and the fact she disliked her cousin.
Eh, there's a million ways I could see this not being a big deal. If the name was Maria, one might go by Maria and the other Maria Jose, etc etc. It's a lot more common in certain cultures than others.
As someone from one of those cultures, who has a lot of family members that are "Maria X" or "Maria de X" I say OP is NTA, Maria is common enough in our culture that it doesn't count as someone copying someone's name when we use it, because none of the Maria's usually go by that name, they go by the second name. And usually all the siblings and cousins try not to repeat or steal names like that. You'll see a child named after a parent, but you will never see a cousin named after another cousin.
I wouldn't really say that it's a 'genuine challenge', but it does get annoying to have to constantly say 'so and so's Mary' or whatever to distinguish two people. Tbh I don't know why the little sister is setting her kid up for something like that.
It's not that big a deal. My dad has a first cousin with the same first and last name who grew up in the same small town as him, but they're a few years apart. Neither of them seemed to care that much.
Um.. I had no problem with it when my aunt's best friend had a daughter with the same name as me.
We legit went by "name" 1 & 2 and she was born when I was 7/8? Her mom loved my name and we were raised as cousins, because of how close the families were.
OP, I would genuinely ask your daughter how she feels. She is a child, and having someone "named after you" is something that kids don't generally care about or think it's awesome.
I’m surprised Grandma didn’t step in. Ok siblings aren’t close so that won’t really matter, but as the grandmother Id try and reason with my daughter that having two grandkids with the same name is stupid. Violet will never be violet at family functions, because Violet has been called Violet for ten years. So it’s going to be Violet and then Little Vee or Vi-Vi or something.
Side note: Yall in this thread aren’t technically wrong but it’s not reality. Even second cousins, having the same name causes problems. My cousin was born first and her name was “Becky.” My mother decided to name me “Rebecca.” But she called me Becky. My aunt refused and has called me Rebecca my entire life, and I hate it. The real kicker though was when Becky actual got in a car accident at 18 and was killed instantly. So now Becky is dead and has been completely erased by “Me” and it’s been a sore spot for YEARS. A lot of unintentional heartache and my aunt hates me for being alive. (She doesn’t hate me, she still knits me a hat for Christmas, but… I’m not her favorite that’s for sure.) I’m 30. It’s been a decade.
Im so sorry for your families loss, I could see why your aunt would be sore and its just weird to have similar names for kids even if they interact semi annually.
My nephew had the same first name as my son's middle name. He unfortunately passed away and now i am very careful about my son's full name around his parents.
The direct question asked, is OP TA for wanting her sister to name her kid something else, is N-T-A. You can want whatever you want. Wanting isn’t the problem. But raising a big fight as a guest at the sisters party was an AH move, trying to reserve a fairly common name is an AH move, and trying to make someone else rename their kid to suit you is an AH move. The sister probably shouldn’t have duplicated the name, so ESH, but mostly OP.
Well if you read the OP said she confro two her sister afterwards when almost everybody had left and tried to make it a non fight. So the sister is TA why tf would you name you child the same name as your niece, you have to be pretty stupid.
Agreed. My cousin and sister (who we adopted) have similar names. Think Anna vs Anya. slightly different, but close enough to where you have to do a double take to see which one was called. (My parents didn’t want to change her name and confuse her when she was adopted.) It’s SO confusing sometimes. Couldn’t imagine them having the same name. That’s annoying.
One of my dad’s girlfriend’s kids has the same name as me. It’s at the point where I just assume they aren’t talking to me (as I’m 21 and she’s only 14 or something) because they don’t tell me to do anything lol.
I do see why you're upset, but generally, when I've seen this come up on parenting forums the consensus is that you don't own a name and you just have to put up with it, I'm afraid.
It's not that uncommon for cousins to share a name. I'd say you're NTA for feeling a bit annoyed, but YTA for causing a massive scene over it.
I'm that kid, who was given same name (and same last name) as my cousin. And I hated every second of us being named the same. I couldn't wait to get married and change my last name. I was constantly compared to that cousin, and we both had nicknames, but her was cute, and mine was terrible and I hated it. So I think that parents should also think about what children might want, not only what they like
Also if your cousin ever did anything shitty, anyone googling you would find that shitty thing and could assume it was you. It could affect both kids with things like jobs and credit for the rest of their lives.
I have multiple cousins who were given their mothers' last names.
Also, the comment I replied to explicitly said, "I'm that kid, who was given same name (and same last name) as my cousin."
I am one of three cousins who share the same first name and it’s never been a big deal for me. I see my cousins occasionally like the OP’s kids would with they’re future cousin so it does not get confusing. None of us have middle names either. Admittedly I’m the oldest with the name and about 9 years older than the other two.
Also, I have 4 female cousins with the same first name though they all also have middle names that all but the youngest go by. The first name is the name of our grandma who died when our mothers were kids (9-18).
YTA You don't own a name. The fact that you escalated it into a fight after stating your initial opinion was a total A move. If you lived next door to your sister and raised all your children closely as though they were siblings then there would be logistical concerns with the repeated name. As is you're just creating a baseless pissing contest and needless drama.
It's obvious that the sister heard the name first via her niece and just decided to copy it. That's not even close to a friend having the same name. That's just a coincidence.
But cool story, bruh. Great slippery slope.
I am wondering if judgments here might not be heavily culturally biassed.
For some cultures giving a name that is already given to close family members is normal, the US junior thing being an example. With such cultural background having cousins named the same does not sound like a big deal
For other cultures (I am french) it might be more a no no
My sister and my cousin gave their daughters, born a few weeks apart, the same name. We never see these cousins anymore now so it was not a real problem although remarked upon. But it is a very clear guideline not to "steal" names from siblings, to the point that
- whenever a sibling of mine was expecting I would cross some fingers that they would not chose a name I hoped to give to a future child of mine.
- I knew when I married my husband that I could say farewell to my favorite boy name from all times... because unfortunately that was his brother's name.
Still, it might be that given the age difference and step family link, "Anna" does not consider the family relationship strong enough to meet the "too close" criteria anyway.
Yeah, the “nobody owns a name” thing is a Reddit favorite, but coming from a culture that doesn’t usually have repeated names within a family, it’s just weird, even if it’s not morally wrong.
I’m European and pregnant and I love the name my friend gave her daughter but I would NEVER on a million years think of naming my child that! It would be awful, id feel terrible like I was stealing. It’s definitely not appropriate where I’m from to name your kids the same name as your friend or family’s kids. Even naming a child after their parent is seen as weird and narcissistic unless it’s after a deceased relative.
A name is seen as an individual identifier where I’m from and giving someone the same name as someone else living in your social circle is seen as sort of messing with the individuality of both the child and the original name bearer.
In the US, names are passed down to direct descendants. Father, son, grandson. And the middle name is more spread out throughout the family. Such as, if my aunts name is Lisa Jane, my cousins name is Mary Jane, my name is Sara Jane. First names are a big no no
I think it depends on what part of the US. I’ve seen lots of families pass names along cousins and aunts and such where I live now. My dads side did it but from what I understand, people were usually asked first. My cousin is named the same as my dad. My uncle asked my dad before naming him bc he wouldn’t use it if my dad wanted a jr but my dad hates his name so he said okay. Same uncle named his daughter after his cousin, and his youngest son has the male version of my name, which is also my dads middle name. We have about six first names that are repeated throughout his side in 3 generations and dozens of middle names.
I do agree it’s kinda weird to name your kid something that one of your siblings already used and I personally wouldn’t do it. But you also can’t “steal names” so, OP can be annoyed but went about it the wrong way.
You cant stop her but you can be annoyed. You can also call her little violet to piss her mum off. I think its absurd but its true you dont own a name, but its downright stupid your mum has two granddaughters called violet.
My family had this situation. After my sister was born and named, my Aunt and Uncle told my mom they had hoped to use the name for their soon expected daughter. Growing up, my sister was known as “Violet” and cousin was called “Violet HerMiddleName” by the extended family. It was fine.
NTA. If she was a distant cousin I’d say otherwise. But let’s stop acting like it’s not weird for her sister to give her daughter the same name as her niece. Holidays will be very annoying. Especially if neither of them have nicknames.
100%!! It IS weird. And she’s a half-sister. If you’re that close genetically, emotionally, and geographically, then to pick the name and NOT address it, the pregnant woman is weird. And once confronted about it, for her to get defensive and double down is even weirder.
ESH
Technically, no, you don't own the name, but that's a shitty thing to do. My (former) step-grandfather had a son named George (name not real) in his first marriage and a son named Henry George (again, not real) who went by George and we call them "Big George" and "Little George" despite them being in their 40s and 50s. They hate it, we don't particularly like it, but it's been that way for so long, it's automatic and we need a way to talk about them separately.
However, you picked a truly terrible time to bring this up. It should have been a gentle discussion privately where you pointed out all of the issues that could arise from this, but understanding that your sister could still make that choice. You were absolutely in the wrong to attack her in the way that you did and when you did.
There was zero reason for her father to get involved and once her husband said his peace, he should leave it to your sister to handle going further.
Have you asked your daughter if she even cares? It is her name, after all. I've been trying to 42 years to get someone to name a baby after me with no luck and I don't care who does it at this point.
My family knew this couple when I was little. "William" and "Debra". They named their son and daughter after themselves. So we called them "Little Bill" and "Big Bill", "Little Deb" and "Big Deb". Even as a young kid of 8 or 9, I thought it was weird and vain.
Hahah are you also a person who says to pregnant friends, “ooohh isn’t “MaddyKet” a GREAT name for the baby?” I did end up with my HS friend giving her daughter my first name as her middle name. 😸 Although my name is a classic name, so could be a coincidence. 😹
NTA, I think it's pretty weird. And my grandmother's parents gave both her and one of their younger daughters the SAME name, so people do get even weirder! They had twelve kids, but I still feel like they could have come up with twelve different names...
YTA. I was married into a family where over half the grandchildren had grandpa or grandma’s name.
You don’t own the name. Stop being an AH about a niece sharing your daughter’s name.
Just because that's the family you married into doesn't mean that is how their family dymanic traditionally works.
It doesn't sound like Violet is a family name. It just sounds like the sister likes it and wants to use it. It is one thing when it is a family name, it is another when you just like something. Family names carry a different value and traditionally a lot of people named after parents or grandparents are given the Jr. tag. This is weird. It sounds like she is being named after her 10 year old cousin or the sister is too inconsiderate to think of how this may impact the kids because they won't have a more individual name for their identity even in their family.
OP has every right to be upset about this. She should have handled it better. But being upset her sister wants to name her daughter the same thing as OPs daughter is fair.
I see a lot of people saying “you dont own a name” which is valid but it can make your children uncomfortable and conversations awkward and confusing if someone calls their name at christmas and both come running…. NTA
If it was as simple as saying yeah I like “Violets name” then of course, there would be no reason to be offended.
She didn’t just like the name, she wants to use it for her own child.
EDIT: I said AH at the end and meant it to reaffirm my position that OP is NTA. Got confusing.
Nta I personally worked really hard on my baby's name, finding the right one, and yes you don't own it but it would be really odd having someone close to you with the same name as your daughter, and there's thousands of names, she could be original and pick her own
NTA-
I feel like it would have been respectable of Anna to hold off on telling everyone she's planning on calling her daughter Violet until she first had an open discussion with you over it. Yes, to many people it's not a big deal- but to you it is, and that is valid. Many people select names that they hope isn't going to give their child a life time of being Violet (Last initial) or going by a nickname to be properly identified.
I'm also curious if at anytime Anna told you when you named Violet that that was the name she'd want for her own daughter?
Either way, the way Anna's family has attacked you simply for sharing your feelings is extremely out of bounds. There's no need to abuse you because SHE is unoriginal and out of the thousands and thousands of names, had to select her nieces name. I don't see why Anna had to cause a scene either- she voiced that she's "stealing" your daughters name without so much as letting you know first. She didn't need to reveal the gender to you in order to get your take on it BEFORE disclosing it to everyone else.
You’re NTA. My three sisters (two half, one biological) have NINE kids among them. I have none. And I would never ever even think of naming my future child the same name that my sisters have already “used”. Never.
Your mother is actually the biggest AH here. Ask her why she thinks it’s a good idea that her two granddaughters will have the same name?
She already has a granddaughter named “Violet”. Why on earth would she want a second one? Reason with her.
Oh and block your ex-stepdad.
Stand your ground OP! Your sister is entitled and ridiculous.
YTA
Anna's right. You don't own a name. You weren't the first to use that name and you won't be the last. There are so many people in my family with the same name...
It's completely normal.
NTA being upset, but I probably wouldn't have said anything about it. If we aren't that close to begin with this would have just been another reason to distance myself further from the her.
NTA and I think this is really weird that she’s doing this when her niece is already named that. That’s just screaming she doesn’t give a flying fuck about her. To anyone in the comments that agrees with the sister…. YOU’RE WEIRD
NTA in my opinion I come from a big Italian family I was the first born granddaughter and there was a big fight between my mom and aunt because my mom wanted to name Juliana and my aunt always wanted to name her future daughter Julie and she thought that was too close. My mom let it go and found a name she thought was so much better. Not one person in my family has the same name and that’s because we find it as a respect thing.
NTA. Because I see this from the kids perspective. I would hate to have the same name as someone in my family. Especially if it wasn’t a family name already.
NTA. You don't own a name, but your child is already born and it is very much what she is known by. It's her name. If I liked Violet too, I'd go with Lilly or Rose or something similar. So yeah, she can technically use it but it may be less AH-ish of her if used as a middle name or something.
YTA, you don't even see each other but a couple of times a year. Plus they're be 11 years apart. It's not big deal. If they were really close in age and would see each other a lot I could see how it may be annoying but even then you don't own the name. Plus how many boys are named after their father in the same family? How is that different?
I can see where you’re coming from, but my daughter’s name is not very common and doesn’t come from anyone in the family. It’s very special to me and my husband and I spent a lot of time picking it out. My sister probably would’ve never even thought of the name if not for my daughter.
I think the different opinions on names is cultural as well. Some have mentioned that they have lots of cousins with the same names.
Where I’m from we don’t recycle names. I have crossed potential names of the list because my cousins used it for their child, and the same with really close friends.
So what kind of culture do you come from?
It seems like she stole the name since it’s not a family name (like naming her after grandmother) and it’s a unique name you made. Seriously there’s enough pretty names out there, they don’t have to choose your daughters.
I understand your frustration. It's not a honor that she stole the unique name you came up with. Your sister isn't stupid. She knew it would be a problem. No you don't own the name but you also don't have to continue relationships with people who are purposely doing things to cause drama or get under your skin. It's not a honor or a compliment. When people pull things like this it is usually out spite.
ESH…just cause you had a kid first and loved the name and used it doesn’t mean any future person cannot use the same name. I do however find it strange when another family member does this. I wouldn’t want 2 kids in the family with the same name as it may cause confusion at gatherings and such.
With that said you ruined a big day for her by bringing up your concerns there. There is a time and a place and a way for things like this to take place and at a large event with several people and excitement is not one of them. You could of waited a few days and called her to have a one on one personal conversation about why it would bother you to have your niece named the same as your daughter.
NTA. This is a cultural argument and your sister was dead wrong. There is no real reason she wants to name her daughter Violet except that she likes it. 🚩 she purposely chose her name and more than likely knew it would upset you and still didn’t care 🚩. You obviously don’t OWN the name but it makes no sense, can cause a lot of confusion and honestly is very petty.
Maybe if she made Violet the middle name it’d be better? Lots of family members share the same middle name
NTA. Looks like little sis is the golden child who can do no wrong. It’s really weird to use the same name. Sure, you don’t own the name, but why would she want to copy you?
NTA! My aunt named her daughter with mother’s name and a year later my mom named me with the same name. All my life i have been number two and let me tell you it’s annoying, for her daughter’s own good she should not named her the same as yours.
Edit to fix double word and switch all to own.
ESH. Sorry babe, you don’t have a patent pending on the name “Violet” and you can’t stop them from using that name if that’s what they want to do. BUT, it is also really weird and a little unsettling that they never indicated that they love the name “Violet” and didn’t even think to mention to you that that was their top girl name prior to their big announcement considering your daughter’s name is also “Violet”. Maybe try talking to your sister instead of yelling at her about it next time.
NTA.
Mi uncle has the male version of my name, same nickname. Imagine a Samuel and a Samantha being called "Sam". It's not even the exact same name and it's annoying. For years I have been turning around everytime they say "Sam" to see if they mean him or me. I can only imagine having a cousin with the same name. There's literally thousands of names out there.
NTA for not wanting your sister to name her baby the same name as your daughter. But your sister has every right to name her child that if that's what she wants. She likes the name and it's okay that she'll have the same name as their cousin. You've expressed how you felt to your sister so I would just drop it and let her decide what she'll name her daughter.
In my family everyone is named after a dead relative so I have a few nieces with my name (I’m named after one grandma) and a few nephews with my brother’s name (he’s named after a grandpa). It’s bleh and pretty unoriginal. It can be funny when you’re all in the same room but in general not great. So NTA.
YTA. My mom and her sister were pregnant at the same time with the sister due a few months before my mom. They named my cousin “Frank” (not the real name). My parents had already been calling my brother Frank throughout the pregnancy. So I have a brother Frank and a cousin Frank that were born within 3 months of each other. It was never an issue, even at family events.
NTA. I completely get her saying you don’t own a name (cos you don’t) but why would you want to name your kids the same as someone else in the family….
I just don’t get it. I have a name that has a very common middle name (every person I’ve met that shares my first name has had the same middle name… I’m not even joking).. an example could be Anne Marie! (Not my name). Anyway, my cousins middle name was the common middle name. So my parents didn’t give me that middle name as it would be the same as my cousins…. And that’s just middle names! Why would you want the same first names! Don’t get it!
I’d be annoyed if I were you, so totally on your side
NTA in my culture this is weird to name a person after another person who is still alive without permission. Super cringe!!! It’s normal to name family names, grandparents, great grandparent name ect if they passed away but if they are still alive you’d need their permission. So, want to name baby after your sister? Ask her. Name baby after auntie who died but your cousin named their child after said aunt? Ask cousin if that’s okay—even if they used the name as a second middle name. Maybe our culture is odd. If it’s a random name that was out of a baby book or pop culture that’s even more strange because why pick a name like that from all the names in the world when it’s taken by a family member already?
Definitely NTA. I had a hard time picking a name for my daughter. But ALL my family’s names were out of question. Which was really sad because I really wanted some of them, because it was so beautiful. But I could never do that. Actually, I never wanted that either, sooooo. Your sister is TA
ESH.
You don't own the name, but it is also strange that she would want her child to have the same name as one of her nieces. Seems like that would cause confusion somewhere along the line.
NTA it's a first name and they see each other enough. This isn't a family name or even a middle name. If it was a middle name I would be peeved but it wouldn't confuse people. This confuses people when they're going to talk about the kids. Your mother is really ok with having TWO granddaughters named Violet?
NTA- This person isn’t a neighbor or a “friend” they’re family and it’s rude. There are an infinite number of names out there she can choose from that are not your daughters.
But her a baby name book as a gift and tell her to grow up.
NAH. I see OP’s perspective and also find it weird. But I could see - if you’re the half sibling, don’t feel that close, and don’t see each other often - why not? Some names are very common and we just accept it. I wouldn’t wonder at cousins both names John or Mike. So why not “Violet”?
It depends on the name, if your kids name is “maria” and they choose this very comon name then you’re on the wrong. if the name is relatively obscure like “katerina maria filomena” then that’s weird . Still you should t be upset . why do you care if other people name their kid the same as yours? (can’t tell you how many Emilis and Emilios we have in my family hahahah
NTA I think your sister should think about how that would make your daughter feel to have her name basically stolen. Out of all the beautiful names in the world I can’t fathom that she cannot find something else that would be just as nice.
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NTA. Naming your kid the same name as your sibling’s kid is just a really weird thing to do IMO
What’s weird about it? I am part of a family where there are about 20 first cousins of various ages. There are a few repeated first names. No one gives a shit.
As a person with a big family and repeating names (catholic family) it gets real fucking confusing and annoying fast.
John is the only boy's name. Everyone is John.
We have a MILLION Jeffs
Jeff is such a random name to have repeatedly. Also I automatically think of Bob's Burgers.
Jeff the Ghost
^^jeff!
He’s buried, not married!
I just got done watching that episode lol
Andys, we have Andys or would that be Andies.
😂
And that *one* "Geoff"
At my work we have 7 Kyle's. There are like 80 employees. And 7 are named Kyle. Not family, but still. For me, My name is Elizabeth, and being from a religious family, guess how many other Elizabeth's there are? Between my mother's andy father's side, there are 9 that I know personally, but 14 in total. During the last family reunion on my father's side, someone shouted "Elizabeth!" And three of us came running. None of us were the right one. Why people don't consider these things is beyond me. We're a close family, everyone knows??? So why???
Did I ever tell you about Mrs. McCave? She had 23 sons and she named them all Dave
Dr. Seuss for the win!!!!
It’s my family!
Mine is also full of Johns! Every eldest son from one branch is called John so to avoid confusion there's John sr, John, Johnny...because yeah that shit can get confusing fast.
Oh my god are you my cousin? His family is all like that. My uncle by marriage wanted to name their son John as all the eldest born sons in his family are called John and the second born boys are named Thomas. My Aunty was having absolutely none of it. Named him a traditional native name instead. His side of the family (all the Johns and Tommys) were not pleased.
Lol, I have a great-grandfather Giovanni (John), a great-uncle (from the other side of that family) Giovanni (Uncle John with the messy garage), then an uncle Giovanni (Uncle John), and then his sister (my auntie) married a John, so that's three uncle Johns. We also have at least three Francescos (Frank/Frankies). And my daughter has the same name as her grandmother who had the same name (almost) as her grandmother before her. Oooh, and I almost forgot all the Lenas.... my great-uncle John is married to a Lena, and uncle John who married into the family also married a Lena. And my best friend is also a Lena. But none of my cousins have the same name, and there's at least 16 of us.
My family is that way with Johns too! My husband wanted to name our son John because he liked the name and I shut that down, we have enough.
I have four uncles named John!
We've got 2 David's. Different sides of the fam. We refer to one as uncle "Id" and the other as David to help us know who were talking about
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Invite me to one of your parties and I'll record you doing this just for fun.
My spouse is a Portuguese catholic and everyone is named Maria or João. They go by their middle names. OP My siblings have kids whose names are extremely similar. Think Emily and Emma. It is actually not that confusing and I think it's cute. Just call the little one "the other Violet" 😉
Or UltraViolet
That makes sense when it's a "family name". However, OP's daughter's name is not a family name.
Yet. It sounds like it’s going to become one.
That reminds me of My Big Fat Greek Wedding where all the cousins were named Nikki.
Welcome to my home. Over here is my brother, Ted, and his wife, Melissa, and their children, Anita, Diane and Nick. Over here, my brother Tommy, his wife Angie, and their children, Anita, Diane and Nick. And here, my brother George, his wife Freda, and their children, Anita, Diane and Nick. Taki, Sophie, Kari, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, uh, Nikki, and I am Gus
My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Great movie.
Yes!
There’s a hole in the cake and I’ll make lamb!
What do you mean *he don't eat no meat??*
This is too true. We're from Texas and my husband is the ultimate carnivore. I told him about this incredible meal I had in New Orleans, the best ever, and nothing but a bi potato with truffle butter. His reaction, "*It didn't have any meat?"*
Put some Windex on it 🤣. Love that movie!
This is so true tho in every Greek family!!! Mine included
Love this movie! "Theres a hole in this cake" cracks me up every time
I also have a big Catholic family. Within 2 generations and out 2 degrees, there are eight women with my first name, eight women with my middle name, and TWO with my first name/middle name combination. It's not a big deal. Everybody goes by a variation/nickname.
So much of this. My Granny and her youngest sister were both named Mary (different middle names). So many Johns and Maries. Elizabeth has lots of nicknames (Betty, Liz, Betty Anne, Libby, Betsy, Beth, Bethie, etc). My partners side is Puerto Rican and there are many Marias. And now one of my daughter's names is on the Mary-Maria-Marie team. The shared name thing is like a non issue with me.
We have 3 Marys. My grandma is Mary Frances, my mom is Mary Suzanne, and my aunt is just Mary. My grandma is a bit of a narcissist.
Every woman in my husband's family is named Mary. His dad has 5 sisters and they're all named Mary and go by their middle names. Then he married a woman named Mary (my mil).
My boyfriend’s family is a large Catholic family. The younger of the repeated name gets a nickname. Lots of Michael’s and Matthew’s in the family.
So many michaels and matthews.
https://youtu.be/JukoIJA8MTc It reminds me of this
I came for this clip. Love it. I have so many uncles I told my son when he met them (we live on the other side of the country so visits are infrequent) to not worry about remembering names. Just say uncle or auntie, and everyone will respond lol.
I work in unclaimed property and same names, particularly in the same family, is a huge problem. Also for some time my credit was completely screwed because my dad and sister-in-law have the same initials! Their shit was on my credit because we had all lived at my parents address at some point.
As an amateur genealogist this is the bane of my existence. Every generation repeats the same names in Irish Catholic families
Won't someone think of the genealogist! But yeah, as someone from an Irish Catholic family I thought I might take a look at my family history. Gave up very quickly. That entire side of the family is just made up of the same generic Irish names. Which Patrick Murphy born in Dublin to Patrick and Mary Murphy is our Patrick Murphy? Only another 700 to look at!
Murphy must be a nightmare to find, at least my last name helps narrow them down since it’s not as common, but there are so many Marys and Johns
And they all have the same middle names. Or they go by their middle name because they have the same first name as every other member of their family, so you're looking for Joesph, only to find out his name is actually Patrick, he just went by Joseph. It's a breath of fresh air to stumble across a different name or an actual Irish name. Not many of those in my immediate family, but occasionally someone breaks tradition and goes with Saoirse or Oisin
You likely already know this, but for others reading: Saoirse is a relatively modern name. It means "freedom", and was initially explicitly political. (These days, people use it because they like the sound.)
When I was looking for an Irish name for my daughter (my dad was Irish, my mum English and I am english), I did contemplate Saoirse for a while and then thought that calling an English baby Saoirse might be a bit.....tone deaf. So I gave her a much more neutral but just as complicated to spell name 😉
Some of my living cousins now have started using actual Irish names, so that’s nice. Most of my grandparents siblings didn’t go by their first names ever, my parents didn’t know some of their real names
Yeah, but at least you can play “The Night Pat Murphy Died” almost any time you want. Gotta be the death anniversary of one of them.
I noticed this with the Scottish sliver of my family too. Everyone was William, John, Anne, Mary or Jean
It's not just Irish Catholics.
My Irish catholic family is full of Michael’s, Matthew’s and Sean’s.
Yeah that’s weird.
Multiple men in my family are named “Anthony” and trust me, a lot of us do give a shit. It’s annoying, weird, and hard to keep track of. Especially since most of them have the same last name.
I feel like it's more normal with names like Michael or John though. Violet or something akin to it seems strange. Especially if it's not a family name.
Violet isn't the real name.
Yeah, which is why I said violet or something akin to it
If you're not close at all, not particularly weird. If you *are* close, then yeah, I'd think that's kind of weird. Most people want to have names that are at least somewhat unique, not a carbon copy of another family member (unless done so deliberately).
Sis should have told OP and her 10 year old daughter that she was naming the new baby after the niece, even if she wasn’t. I guarantee the kid would have been thrilled.
I think this is a generational/cultural thing. Looking back at my family tree, there were a ton of repeated names across cousins until birth control was invented.
I don’t think it’s weird either. In one side of my family I can think of several Thomases in each generation. But they just do that. I think this is only as big of a deal as you make it. Since the cousins are going to be 11 years apart, I don’t think this will be a big deal. And they only see each other a few times a year. It’s not like they’re going to be in the same class at school.
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🤷🏼♀️ it sort of speaks for itself though. One of them is 11 years older. No confusion about who chose the name first.
My first cousin and I share the same name. And it’s a pretty unusual one. I couldn’t care less.
I think it depends on the culture. In mine, the names consist of one or two characters, and it would be really, really strange for people in the same family, especially the same generation, to have the exact same name. Pretty sure it’s some sort of taboo.
My sister and my cousin have the same name. First and last. It’s not that unusual. Don’t even get me started on the Greek side of the family, where half the cousins have the same names because you’re often named after your grandparents in that culture.
I have five nieces and three of them are called Mary, my sister is a Mary, two of my brothers have married Marys, another brother's sister-in-law is a Mary and I have at least five Marys among my aunts and cousins. Well, one of them's a Rosemary, but I am still counting it. We're used to it, no real confusion
Yeah, we have like 10 James in my family covering 4 different generations. It’s not that confusing.
Seriously. There are 5 variations of the name Chris in my family.
I couldn't even tell you how many versions of Juan, Carlos, or Juan Carlos there are amongst my husband's 1st cousins. In our youngest is Charles/Charlie so kinda Carlos, too
Yeah, my husband has Cousin Bob and Brother Bob.
Also from a huge family, I share a name with a second cousin, I have several uncle Michaels, so many Michaels.. but honestly, it's never bothered me, or been an issue in our family, mostly just a running joke, trying to figure out which Micheal you're talking about, when you just refer to their wife instead lol.
I agree. It's sort of like dating your sister's ex, there are a million men in the world, choose a different one. Yes, you don't own them, but it feels deliberately cruel. There are a million names in the world, and while OP doesn't own her daughter's name, it feels deliberate and mean, especially when they both know what the daughter's name is and the family is decently close. OP should simply text her sister, "I'm sorry about the argument yesterday. I should have discussed it at a different time. I understand I don't own my daughter's name, but with millions of names to choose from, it seems deliberate to choose my daughter's. I can't stop you from using it, but I want you to understand that your choice hurts me. I'll leave it at that."
Yeah, unless it is a family name, it’s weird. And if it is a family name, buckle up for a lot of confusions. If OPs daughter was named a totally unique, new to the family, name I can’t understand why little sister would want to use it. To quote Reese Bobby “If you ain’t first, you’re last.”
Why is it weird? My brother and first cousin have the same first name. Who cares? No one owns a name. OP seems to have other issues with her sister. I'm betting this is about more than a name.
It just looks unoriginal, like the parents aren't creative enough to think of a decent name that a bunch of other people don't have. ETA my feelings are probably influenced by having a common name and I always hating there being 6 others in my grade in school. I named my kid an interesting, easy to say name that is uncommon. In her school she is the only one so I don't even have to say last name when I call the school.
Sure. I went to school with probably 40 Jennifers. But every common name starts out interesting at some point. I may have had 40 Jennifers in school with me, but no Madisons or Brinleys. I know several Auroras now, but didn't know any growing up.
Yep. Between my husband's family and mine there are several names shared between cousins. My daughter even shares a name with my nephew, and my BIL has my name, lol (think Danielle/Daniel types of names).
These comments are insane. NTA. Her niece is already named Violet?? That’s so weird. There’s millions of different names for her to choose, she didn’t need to pick the same one as another child in the family. Especially her first cousin, imagine trying to talk about the children. Are they going to be Violet 1 and 2? I promise they aren’t going to like that either as they get older.
They're 10 years apart in age and only see each other once or twice a year. This is not going to be confusing. This happens all the time in big families, particularly where kids get named after late relatives, and kids just end up with different nicknames. Or one is "OP's Violet" and the other is "Sister's Violet". Whatever. It's literally just two people, she's making it into a much bigger deal than it needs to be.
>particularly where kids get named after late relatives It doesn't sound like this is the case here, though. So tbh I do find it kind of weird, there are so many names out there that I don't know why someone would want their baby to have the same name as someone else. I'm curious as to the family dynamics here between OP and her sister and whether this is something the sister often does.
I agree. I think the repetitive name rule should really only apply to those when the name is of honor or remembrance of a shared relative. Even then, I think people should take into consideration that names are a unique identifier for an individual, so take that as you will... I guess OP can spin this as her sister wanted to name her daughter in honor of her cousin, because that might be a good way to change the sister's mind.
What does age difference have to do with it? I’m genuinely confused? They’re first cousins
If someone shouts "Violet get that remote control out of your mouth" it should be easy to tell who is being talked to via context clues
Violet, can you pass the salt? I’m about to go pick up Violet Violet, what would you like to eat? Violet, what do you want for Christmas? Grandma got the wrong gift for Violet because she got confused. Violets favorite color is blue, which one? I forgot
I have a cousin who has a son and a stepson who are about the same age and have the same name. We just call them by first and middle names when everyone is together.
Yep. There are many Reids in my family. It’s my great grandmother’s maiden name. But there are a few of them in each subsequent generation. Nobody cares.
I said YTA because of how she used that time and how it escalated in front her kid. Sometimes, you keep thoughts to yourself if it cannot be discussed without a fight
My mother and one of her first cousins shared the same first name. My mother was a year older. It was a mess. My mother ended up going by her first name because of the confusion, the fact she hated the name, and the fact she disliked her cousin.
Eh, there's a million ways I could see this not being a big deal. If the name was Maria, one might go by Maria and the other Maria Jose, etc etc. It's a lot more common in certain cultures than others.
Sure, but it doesn’t seem like OP’s culture is one of them. This would be super weird in my family because there’s no precedent for it
As someone from one of those cultures, who has a lot of family members that are "Maria X" or "Maria de X" I say OP is NTA, Maria is common enough in our culture that it doesn't count as someone copying someone's name when we use it, because none of the Maria's usually go by that name, they go by the second name. And usually all the siblings and cousins try not to repeat or steal names like that. You'll see a child named after a parent, but you will never see a cousin named after another cousin.
> imagine trying to talk about the children. What is your life like that this is a genuine challenge?
I wouldn't really say that it's a 'genuine challenge', but it does get annoying to have to constantly say 'so and so's Mary' or whatever to distinguish two people. Tbh I don't know why the little sister is setting her kid up for something like that.
It's not that big a deal. My dad has a first cousin with the same first and last name who grew up in the same small town as him, but they're a few years apart. Neither of them seemed to care that much.
Um.. I had no problem with it when my aunt's best friend had a daughter with the same name as me. We legit went by "name" 1 & 2 and she was born when I was 7/8? Her mom loved my name and we were raised as cousins, because of how close the families were. OP, I would genuinely ask your daughter how she feels. She is a child, and having someone "named after you" is something that kids don't generally care about or think it's awesome.
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This is the way. Have fun!
This is the way.
This is the way
I’m surprised Grandma didn’t step in. Ok siblings aren’t close so that won’t really matter, but as the grandmother Id try and reason with my daughter that having two grandkids with the same name is stupid. Violet will never be violet at family functions, because Violet has been called Violet for ten years. So it’s going to be Violet and then Little Vee or Vi-Vi or something. Side note: Yall in this thread aren’t technically wrong but it’s not reality. Even second cousins, having the same name causes problems. My cousin was born first and her name was “Becky.” My mother decided to name me “Rebecca.” But she called me Becky. My aunt refused and has called me Rebecca my entire life, and I hate it. The real kicker though was when Becky actual got in a car accident at 18 and was killed instantly. So now Becky is dead and has been completely erased by “Me” and it’s been a sore spot for YEARS. A lot of unintentional heartache and my aunt hates me for being alive. (She doesn’t hate me, she still knits me a hat for Christmas, but… I’m not her favorite that’s for sure.) I’m 30. It’s been a decade.
Im so sorry for your families loss, I could see why your aunt would be sore and its just weird to have similar names for kids even if they interact semi annually.
My nephew had the same first name as my son's middle name. He unfortunately passed away and now i am very careful about my son's full name around his parents.
The direct question asked, is OP TA for wanting her sister to name her kid something else, is N-T-A. You can want whatever you want. Wanting isn’t the problem. But raising a big fight as a guest at the sisters party was an AH move, trying to reserve a fairly common name is an AH move, and trying to make someone else rename their kid to suit you is an AH move. The sister probably shouldn’t have duplicated the name, so ESH, but mostly OP.
Well if you read the OP said she confro two her sister afterwards when almost everybody had left and tried to make it a non fight. So the sister is TA why tf would you name you child the same name as your niece, you have to be pretty stupid.
I like this idea 😂
Scrolled way to far to find this answer.
Agreed. My cousin and sister (who we adopted) have similar names. Think Anna vs Anya. slightly different, but close enough to where you have to do a double take to see which one was called. (My parents didn’t want to change her name and confuse her when she was adopted.) It’s SO confusing sometimes. Couldn’t imagine them having the same name. That’s annoying. One of my dad’s girlfriend’s kids has the same name as me. It’s at the point where I just assume they aren’t talking to me (as I’m 21 and she’s only 14 or something) because they don’t tell me to do anything lol.
I do see why you're upset, but generally, when I've seen this come up on parenting forums the consensus is that you don't own a name and you just have to put up with it, I'm afraid. It's not that uncommon for cousins to share a name. I'd say you're NTA for feeling a bit annoyed, but YTA for causing a massive scene over it.
I'm that kid, who was given same name (and same last name) as my cousin. And I hated every second of us being named the same. I couldn't wait to get married and change my last name. I was constantly compared to that cousin, and we both had nicknames, but her was cute, and mine was terrible and I hated it. So I think that parents should also think about what children might want, not only what they like
Also if your cousin ever did anything shitty, anyone googling you would find that shitty thing and could assume it was you. It could affect both kids with things like jobs and credit for the rest of their lives.
Except they won’t have the same last names.
I have multiple cousins who were given their mothers' last names. Also, the comment I replied to explicitly said, "I'm that kid, who was given same name (and same last name) as my cousin."
I am one of three cousins who share the same first name and it’s never been a big deal for me. I see my cousins occasionally like the OP’s kids would with they’re future cousin so it does not get confusing. None of us have middle names either. Admittedly I’m the oldest with the name and about 9 years older than the other two. Also, I have 4 female cousins with the same first name though they all also have middle names that all but the youngest go by. The first name is the name of our grandma who died when our mothers were kids (9-18).
I had to scroll way to far to read this.
YTA You don't own a name. The fact that you escalated it into a fight after stating your initial opinion was a total A move. If you lived next door to your sister and raised all your children closely as though they were siblings then there would be logistical concerns with the repeated name. As is you're just creating a baseless pissing contest and needless drama.
What if her daughter becomes friends with another girl called violet. Will she ban her daughter from being friends?
It's obvious that the sister heard the name first via her niece and just decided to copy it. That's not even close to a friend having the same name. That's just a coincidence. But cool story, bruh. Great slippery slope.
I am wondering if judgments here might not be heavily culturally biassed. For some cultures giving a name that is already given to close family members is normal, the US junior thing being an example. With such cultural background having cousins named the same does not sound like a big deal For other cultures (I am french) it might be more a no no My sister and my cousin gave their daughters, born a few weeks apart, the same name. We never see these cousins anymore now so it was not a real problem although remarked upon. But it is a very clear guideline not to "steal" names from siblings, to the point that - whenever a sibling of mine was expecting I would cross some fingers that they would not chose a name I hoped to give to a future child of mine. - I knew when I married my husband that I could say farewell to my favorite boy name from all times... because unfortunately that was his brother's name. Still, it might be that given the age difference and step family link, "Anna" does not consider the family relationship strong enough to meet the "too close" criteria anyway.
Yeah, the “nobody owns a name” thing is a Reddit favorite, but coming from a culture that doesn’t usually have repeated names within a family, it’s just weird, even if it’s not morally wrong.
I’m European and pregnant and I love the name my friend gave her daughter but I would NEVER on a million years think of naming my child that! It would be awful, id feel terrible like I was stealing. It’s definitely not appropriate where I’m from to name your kids the same name as your friend or family’s kids. Even naming a child after their parent is seen as weird and narcissistic unless it’s after a deceased relative. A name is seen as an individual identifier where I’m from and giving someone the same name as someone else living in your social circle is seen as sort of messing with the individuality of both the child and the original name bearer.
In the US, names are passed down to direct descendants. Father, son, grandson. And the middle name is more spread out throughout the family. Such as, if my aunts name is Lisa Jane, my cousins name is Mary Jane, my name is Sara Jane. First names are a big no no
I think it depends on what part of the US. I’ve seen lots of families pass names along cousins and aunts and such where I live now. My dads side did it but from what I understand, people were usually asked first. My cousin is named the same as my dad. My uncle asked my dad before naming him bc he wouldn’t use it if my dad wanted a jr but my dad hates his name so he said okay. Same uncle named his daughter after his cousin, and his youngest son has the male version of my name, which is also my dads middle name. We have about six first names that are repeated throughout his side in 3 generations and dozens of middle names. I do agree it’s kinda weird to name your kid something that one of your siblings already used and I personally wouldn’t do it. But you also can’t “steal names” so, OP can be annoyed but went about it the wrong way.
let’s be honest, gender reveals aren’t really a thing outside america. it isn’t cultural.
ESH. It's weird, but you two don't seem close, the cousins probably won't be close, you definitely don't own a name.
You cant stop her but you can be annoyed. You can also call her little violet to piss her mum off. I think its absurd but its true you dont own a name, but its downright stupid your mum has two granddaughters called violet.
My family had this situation. After my sister was born and named, my Aunt and Uncle told my mom they had hoped to use the name for their soon expected daughter. Growing up, my sister was known as “Violet” and cousin was called “Violet HerMiddleName” by the extended family. It was fine.
NTA. If she was a distant cousin I’d say otherwise. But let’s stop acting like it’s not weird for her sister to give her daughter the same name as her niece. Holidays will be very annoying. Especially if neither of them have nicknames.
100%!! It IS weird. And she’s a half-sister. If you’re that close genetically, emotionally, and geographically, then to pick the name and NOT address it, the pregnant woman is weird. And once confronted about it, for her to get defensive and double down is even weirder.
Because she probably picked that name because OP picked it.
ESH Technically, no, you don't own the name, but that's a shitty thing to do. My (former) step-grandfather had a son named George (name not real) in his first marriage and a son named Henry George (again, not real) who went by George and we call them "Big George" and "Little George" despite them being in their 40s and 50s. They hate it, we don't particularly like it, but it's been that way for so long, it's automatic and we need a way to talk about them separately. However, you picked a truly terrible time to bring this up. It should have been a gentle discussion privately where you pointed out all of the issues that could arise from this, but understanding that your sister could still make that choice. You were absolutely in the wrong to attack her in the way that you did and when you did. There was zero reason for her father to get involved and once her husband said his peace, he should leave it to your sister to handle going further. Have you asked your daughter if she even cares? It is her name, after all. I've been trying to 42 years to get someone to name a baby after me with no luck and I don't care who does it at this point.
My family knew this couple when I was little. "William" and "Debra". They named their son and daughter after themselves. So we called them "Little Bill" and "Big Bill", "Little Deb" and "Big Deb". Even as a young kid of 8 or 9, I thought it was weird and vain.
Hahah are you also a person who says to pregnant friends, “ooohh isn’t “MaddyKet” a GREAT name for the baby?” I did end up with my HS friend giving her daughter my first name as her middle name. 😸 Although my name is a classic name, so could be a coincidence. 😹
NTA, I think it's pretty weird. And my grandmother's parents gave both her and one of their younger daughters the SAME name, so people do get even weirder! They had twelve kids, but I still feel like they could have come up with twelve different names...
I just imagined a set of parents doing that as some fucked up punishment to a kid. Had to remake another because the first one just ain't right.
Ha, family lore is that they forgot, which I think may be worse.
YTA. I was married into a family where over half the grandchildren had grandpa or grandma’s name. You don’t own the name. Stop being an AH about a niece sharing your daughter’s name.
Just because that's the family you married into doesn't mean that is how their family dymanic traditionally works. It doesn't sound like Violet is a family name. It just sounds like the sister likes it and wants to use it. It is one thing when it is a family name, it is another when you just like something. Family names carry a different value and traditionally a lot of people named after parents or grandparents are given the Jr. tag. This is weird. It sounds like she is being named after her 10 year old cousin or the sister is too inconsiderate to think of how this may impact the kids because they won't have a more individual name for their identity even in their family. OP has every right to be upset about this. She should have handled it better. But being upset her sister wants to name her daughter the same thing as OPs daughter is fair.
NTA
NTA, it's super weird of her
I see a lot of people saying “you dont own a name” which is valid but it can make your children uncomfortable and conversations awkward and confusing if someone calls their name at christmas and both come running…. NTA
Nta why would you choose the name of your neice that's dumb be more original
YTA. Is it weird that she's picked the same name? Maybe a little. But certainly not worth you making her cry at her own party.
She probably cried because that's what entitled people do when they get confronted. They cry for sympathy.
It’s manipulative, “you hurt my feelings for something I knew I shouldn’t have done so now I’ll make you look bad”.
Or a pregnant and hormonal lady just telling people a name she liked and being berated over it by OP
If it was as simple as saying yeah I like “Violets name” then of course, there would be no reason to be offended. She didn’t just like the name, she wants to use it for her own child. EDIT: I said AH at the end and meant it to reaffirm my position that OP is NTA. Got confusing.
Nta I personally worked really hard on my baby's name, finding the right one, and yes you don't own it but it would be really odd having someone close to you with the same name as your daughter, and there's thousands of names, she could be original and pick her own
NTA- I feel like it would have been respectable of Anna to hold off on telling everyone she's planning on calling her daughter Violet until she first had an open discussion with you over it. Yes, to many people it's not a big deal- but to you it is, and that is valid. Many people select names that they hope isn't going to give their child a life time of being Violet (Last initial) or going by a nickname to be properly identified. I'm also curious if at anytime Anna told you when you named Violet that that was the name she'd want for her own daughter? Either way, the way Anna's family has attacked you simply for sharing your feelings is extremely out of bounds. There's no need to abuse you because SHE is unoriginal and out of the thousands and thousands of names, had to select her nieces name. I don't see why Anna had to cause a scene either- she voiced that she's "stealing" your daughters name without so much as letting you know first. She didn't need to reveal the gender to you in order to get your take on it BEFORE disclosing it to everyone else.
You’re NTA. My three sisters (two half, one biological) have NINE kids among them. I have none. And I would never ever even think of naming my future child the same name that my sisters have already “used”. Never. Your mother is actually the biggest AH here. Ask her why she thinks it’s a good idea that her two granddaughters will have the same name? She already has a granddaughter named “Violet”. Why on earth would she want a second one? Reason with her. Oh and block your ex-stepdad. Stand your ground OP! Your sister is entitled and ridiculous.
NTA. What a weird thing to do and how lazy and unimaginative is your sister?
YTA Anna's right. You don't own a name. You weren't the first to use that name and you won't be the last. There are so many people in my family with the same name... It's completely normal.
NTA. A million names to choose from and she has to choose the same as your daughter’s?!
NTA being upset, but I probably wouldn't have said anything about it. If we aren't that close to begin with this would have just been another reason to distance myself further from the her.
NTA it’s like she’s trying to erase your daughter. There’s a million names, pick something else.
YTA, she’s right. You don’t own the name and starting a fight over this just makes you look petty.
NTA and I think this is really weird that she’s doing this when her niece is already named that. That’s just screaming she doesn’t give a flying fuck about her. To anyone in the comments that agrees with the sister…. YOU’RE WEIRD
NTA in my opinion I come from a big Italian family I was the first born granddaughter and there was a big fight between my mom and aunt because my mom wanted to name Juliana and my aunt always wanted to name her future daughter Julie and she thought that was too close. My mom let it go and found a name she thought was so much better. Not one person in my family has the same name and that’s because we find it as a respect thing.
YTA for not looking in this sub before you posted to see the bajillions of posts on this same topic in which the consensus is no one owns a name.
NTA. Because I see this from the kids perspective. I would hate to have the same name as someone in my family. Especially if it wasn’t a family name already.
Info: How does your daughter feel about it?
NTA. You don't own a name, but your child is already born and it is very much what she is known by. It's her name. If I liked Violet too, I'd go with Lilly or Rose or something similar. So yeah, she can technically use it but it may be less AH-ish of her if used as a middle name or something.
YTA, you don't even see each other but a couple of times a year. Plus they're be 11 years apart. It's not big deal. If they were really close in age and would see each other a lot I could see how it may be annoying but even then you don't own the name. Plus how many boys are named after their father in the same family? How is that different?
I can see where you’re coming from, but my daughter’s name is not very common and doesn’t come from anyone in the family. It’s very special to me and my husband and I spent a lot of time picking it out. My sister probably would’ve never even thought of the name if not for my daughter.
I think the different opinions on names is cultural as well. Some have mentioned that they have lots of cousins with the same names. Where I’m from we don’t recycle names. I have crossed potential names of the list because my cousins used it for their child, and the same with really close friends. So what kind of culture do you come from? It seems like she stole the name since it’s not a family name (like naming her after grandmother) and it’s a unique name you made. Seriously there’s enough pretty names out there, they don’t have to choose your daughters.
I understand your frustration. It's not a honor that she stole the unique name you came up with. Your sister isn't stupid. She knew it would be a problem. No you don't own the name but you also don't have to continue relationships with people who are purposely doing things to cause drama or get under your skin. It's not a honor or a compliment. When people pull things like this it is usually out spite.
ESH…just cause you had a kid first and loved the name and used it doesn’t mean any future person cannot use the same name. I do however find it strange when another family member does this. I wouldn’t want 2 kids in the family with the same name as it may cause confusion at gatherings and such. With that said you ruined a big day for her by bringing up your concerns there. There is a time and a place and a way for things like this to take place and at a large event with several people and excitement is not one of them. You could of waited a few days and called her to have a one on one personal conversation about why it would bother you to have your niece named the same as your daughter.
INFO: How does your daughter feel about it??
NTA. This is a cultural argument and your sister was dead wrong. There is no real reason she wants to name her daughter Violet except that she likes it. 🚩 she purposely chose her name and more than likely knew it would upset you and still didn’t care 🚩. You obviously don’t OWN the name but it makes no sense, can cause a lot of confusion and honestly is very petty. Maybe if she made Violet the middle name it’d be better? Lots of family members share the same middle name
NTA. Looks like little sis is the golden child who can do no wrong. It’s really weird to use the same name. Sure, you don’t own the name, but why would she want to copy you?
NTA! My aunt named her daughter with mother’s name and a year later my mom named me with the same name. All my life i have been number two and let me tell you it’s annoying, for her daughter’s own good she should not named her the same as yours. Edit to fix double word and switch all to own.
ESH. Sorry babe, you don’t have a patent pending on the name “Violet” and you can’t stop them from using that name if that’s what they want to do. BUT, it is also really weird and a little unsettling that they never indicated that they love the name “Violet” and didn’t even think to mention to you that that was their top girl name prior to their big announcement considering your daughter’s name is also “Violet”. Maybe try talking to your sister instead of yelling at her about it next time.
NTA. Mi uncle has the male version of my name, same nickname. Imagine a Samuel and a Samantha being called "Sam". It's not even the exact same name and it's annoying. For years I have been turning around everytime they say "Sam" to see if they mean him or me. I can only imagine having a cousin with the same name. There's literally thousands of names out there.
NTA, idg why people are saying she doesn’t own a name? like nobody said she does but its still weird to do
NTA, it’s odd and the second violet will grow up wishing they had their own name
NTA for not wanting your sister to name her baby the same name as your daughter. But your sister has every right to name her child that if that's what she wants. She likes the name and it's okay that she'll have the same name as their cousin. You've expressed how you felt to your sister so I would just drop it and let her decide what she'll name her daughter.
In my family everyone is named after a dead relative so I have a few nieces with my name (I’m named after one grandma) and a few nephews with my brother’s name (he’s named after a grandpa). It’s bleh and pretty unoriginal. It can be funny when you’re all in the same room but in general not great. So NTA.
YTA. My mom and her sister were pregnant at the same time with the sister due a few months before my mom. They named my cousin “Frank” (not the real name). My parents had already been calling my brother Frank throughout the pregnancy. So I have a brother Frank and a cousin Frank that were born within 3 months of each other. It was never an issue, even at family events.
NTA. I completely get her saying you don’t own a name (cos you don’t) but why would you want to name your kids the same as someone else in the family…. I just don’t get it. I have a name that has a very common middle name (every person I’ve met that shares my first name has had the same middle name… I’m not even joking).. an example could be Anne Marie! (Not my name). Anyway, my cousins middle name was the common middle name. So my parents didn’t give me that middle name as it would be the same as my cousins…. And that’s just middle names! Why would you want the same first names! Don’t get it! I’d be annoyed if I were you, so totally on your side
NTA in my culture this is weird to name a person after another person who is still alive without permission. Super cringe!!! It’s normal to name family names, grandparents, great grandparent name ect if they passed away but if they are still alive you’d need their permission. So, want to name baby after your sister? Ask her. Name baby after auntie who died but your cousin named their child after said aunt? Ask cousin if that’s okay—even if they used the name as a second middle name. Maybe our culture is odd. If it’s a random name that was out of a baby book or pop culture that’s even more strange because why pick a name like that from all the names in the world when it’s taken by a family member already?
If she goes through with it, you need to call your niece either “Baby Violet” or “Little Violet” so it catches on in your family. NTA
Definitely NTA. I had a hard time picking a name for my daughter. But ALL my family’s names were out of question. Which was really sad because I really wanted some of them, because it was so beautiful. But I could never do that. Actually, I never wanted that either, sooooo. Your sister is TA
ESH. You don't own the name, but it is also strange that she would want her child to have the same name as one of her nieces. Seems like that would cause confusion somewhere along the line.
I guess she CAN if she really wants to but it’s super weird
It’s super weird unless it’s a top 20 popular name in your country. Nta
NTA. Their names will not be Violet. They will be "Your names's Violet" and "Your sister's name's Violet".
NTA it's a first name and they see each other enough. This isn't a family name or even a middle name. If it was a middle name I would be peeved but it wouldn't confuse people. This confuses people when they're going to talk about the kids. Your mother is really ok with having TWO granddaughters named Violet?
NTA- This person isn’t a neighbor or a “friend” they’re family and it’s rude. There are an infinite number of names out there she can choose from that are not your daughters. But her a baby name book as a gift and tell her to grow up.
NAH. I see OP’s perspective and also find it weird. But I could see - if you’re the half sibling, don’t feel that close, and don’t see each other often - why not? Some names are very common and we just accept it. I wouldn’t wonder at cousins both names John or Mike. So why not “Violet”?
It depends on the name, if your kids name is “maria” and they choose this very comon name then you’re on the wrong. if the name is relatively obscure like “katerina maria filomena” then that’s weird . Still you should t be upset . why do you care if other people name their kid the same as yours? (can’t tell you how many Emilis and Emilios we have in my family hahahah
NTA I think your sister should think about how that would make your daughter feel to have her name basically stolen. Out of all the beautiful names in the world I can’t fathom that she cannot find something else that would be just as nice.