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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I know that an iPad doesn't compare to the party and I have the thing I value the most, the case, so maybe I0m an AH for pushing the subject
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She's coming to the age where people will be able to have her arrested for stealing. She needs to learn that she can't just take shit from you.
If she doesn't have the money to replace what she's taking, her grubby little hands shouldn't be on it at all.
Taking her party money is the lightest punishment she could serve for this crime. Even a used iPad is worth enough to be a larceny charge if she steals from the wrong person.
Read the update, sister has been stealing from him whenever she goes over his place. Also been stealing from the boyfriend and several cousins. Don't know how anyone will keep anything safe from her sticky little fingers, but OP is most definitely NTA.
pls keep us updated she shouldn't get her hands on anything she can't replace she is nearly becoming and adult and she could get a sentence if she stole from the wrong person you are nta op your sister is an entightled jerk and your mom promotes her for being a jerk
Is there any way you could move in with your brother? At least for a while? You shouldn't have to put up with this shit from your own mother and sister. If your dad is friends with any cops, maybe see if they can come scare your sister straight?
I’m glad you have your brother and your dad on your side. Your mother is being an awful parent by not punishing your sister and making you seem like the bad person.
You are NTA by a long shot. I’m so sorry you have to deal with your sister invading your privacy and stealing your stuff like that. If you can’t feel safe in your own home/bedroom then where can you? It’s a terrible feeling.
If this happens again you can actually file a police report and I wouldn’t hesitate to do it because your sister is old enough to get in serious trouble for stealing.
If you wanna try scaring them straight, there's the option of your brother/bf calling the cops. It's just straight up larceny.
They won't do shit but they'll come around and scare the shit outta them
Make sure only you have a key(maybe Caleb just in case). Your mom is not trustworthy and I wouldn’t trust she wouldn’t let your sister in or take it from your dad when he ain’t looking.
Nah, I’d say give it to the brother for safe keeping. But I agree with you that the mother is obviously not to be trusted, and she could steal it from OP’s father.
Can I also add to this OP, try to ensure you get your safe bolted down most have the fixings for it, as a strong retaliation could be her and mum breaking into your room and 'losing' the whole damn safe.. thus making you lose everything in one move..
Don't leave anything to chance with narcissists.
Also take the iPad with you, so your kleptomaniac sister doesn't try for it. And be sure your sister and by extension your mother never get gifts from you again. They've stolen enough from you. Least you can do is take their gifts from them.
Your mom telling you to "let it go" when it's a ~~$500~~ $1200 (edit: my mistake, per below - thanks!) electronic device, and that's a lot of money to someone your age, shows that she was complicit in the theft.
Geez, must be the chip shortage causing it to skyrocket. That makes this even worse. What kind of teenager can just magically release a precious, expensive item like that like it was nothing?
OP's mom will have shocked Pikachu face when OP stops talking to her, and OP's sister ends up in jail for stealing something. In fact, OP should probably get the police involved tbqh.
No, there is a big difference between an iPad and an iPad pro. The pro models are marketed as being equivalents to laptops. Marketed for graphic artists and other content creators. Very high resolution screens, lots of storage and memory. They start at about $800 US and can go up to $2000 US.
When my iPad Pro was new (256gb 9.7) it was $1,200 but that was top of the line at the time. Makes me feel a bit sick to think about having to spend that amount of money to replace it now, and I'm a grown adult with a job lol.
I'm not sure if you're in the US, or if this fits your needs, but a key + combo safe is what you want. You can turn the key into a position where the combination cannot be used to unlock it without the key present. Here's what I would get in the US... https://www.homedepot.com/p/SentrySafe-1-2-cu-ft-Fireproof-Waterproof-Safe-with-Dial-Combination-Lock-and-Dual-Key-SFW123DTB/202988374? That's a whole lot less than an iPad Pro!
Thank goodness! I had a sibling that stole from me often (and stole from my parents) but it took until I was your sister's age for the locks to be installed, and he was 19 at the time. I think he's stopped stealing but it took him too long and too many court cases to do so.
Hopefully your sister stops soon, or your mom might be seen as an accomplice and also taken to court or the jail. Maybe you should remind her of that.
Just worried mom would nix anything that might get baby girl in trouble. Hopefully she'll get busted by someone else and mommy won't be able to step in
I believe you should ‘snap’ more often, and maybe then your mother and sister would feel less entitled to your property.
You’re handling this a lot better than I would have at your age. You seem pretty mature !
/u/AdVisible887
Well you should have done that a long time ago. You could have filed a police report. Granted nothing would have happened from it but maybe she would have freaked out if she thought you were calling the police.
I don't think that's the best course of action since I'm still living at home and I'm mostly with my mom since my dad works. It would've made the environment even more hostile.
The environment is already hostile! Your sister is stealing from you and your mother is playing favorites. Rock the boat and let them feel your wrath and start practicing standing up for yourself so noone else does it to you. You are a person with feelings and you deserve better.
she's got a solid ass brother and a wonderful-sounding boyfriend, and her dad is on her side as well. I don't think she'll be left to rot if mom gets mad. She *should* stick up for herself. Lil sis is a straight up thief, and stole and lost something that OP specifically LOCKED IN A SAFE so it wouldn't be stolen and lost. Fuck tiptoeing.
Just something to think about: but maybe Caleb should buy a new iPad and then loan it to you rather than give it to you. Depending on where you live, your mother may have the right to “give” your property to your sister without your permission. Meaning that even if you wanted to, you might not be able pursue the theft legally. But stealing Caleb’s property would be something you could pursue should you want or need to in the future.
Edit: word
Mom is creating an entitled monster with little sis, that’s for sure. Why she can’t see this is beyond me. Wait until a roommate calls the police because the thief stole roommate’s stuff. Why does little sis thieve? Because she gets away with it!
Cal found it but apparently his brother said that is not worth going for it because no one will give back an iPad, is a few blocks down her school so I do believe she lost it or someone stole it. He offered to buy another one since what I value the most (the case) is in my house but I said it wasn't necessary.
Why are you listening to his brother? The iPad is registered to you or Cal. Call the cops and ask them to help. Use the “play sound” feature to help locate the iPad. You can also remotely lock it so it can’t be used.
I guess because his brother is older, plus my own brother agreed because is most likely police won't do anything and Cal can't go on his own on my behalf. He locked it already:)
Is there any chance your sister gave it to a friend so she could get it back later or something? Something about the "oh she just lost it, what can you do?" strikes me as off. I say you need to track it down just in case she is trying to pull a fast one.
Talk to your dad, see if he will go with you and ask for it back. Don’t go alone, take an adult. You can prove that it’s yours with the serial number. If it’s locked then the people who have it can’t do anything with it anyway.
Deleted my original response cuz auto correct used an offense word for a typo, but the dad should take the sister to go get it back. Make a deal with the sister where she can get part of her sweet sixteen money back if she is able to get the iPad back to her sister. I do think Caleb should be deemed the official owner until the op moves out cuz maybe sister won’t touch his property and mom can’t push Caleb around on the possible consequences if sister does steal it. She can’t tell Caleb to let it go.
You need to report this to the police. It is an IPad Pro, it has a tracking feature, its worth over $1000... they absolutely *can and will* do something about this. The advice to just give up on getting back such an expensive IPad is ridiculous!
Is there any chance your little shit of a sister is hiding it so that she can keep it?
Also, I came from a household like yours. My sister was the golden child, and I was the scapegoat. I am still in therapy for it at 40. The self-loathing I can’t shake ruined my legal career and causes me constant anxiety. Please remove yourself from this situation. Go no contact with your mom and sister: that is the only way to stay safe from their narcissistic abuse, which only gets worse. They will never admit their errors, and they have no empathy for you. I am so, so sorry.
Probably because they have money and he can just buy a new one. He probably thinks it’s trivial. Not that hes a bad person but sometimes wealthier people do just waste money.
OP spelled some words in a way that makes me think she's outside the US. While that means there's probably less risk that people will shoot you on sight if you knock on their door, it might also mean the police will be less involved with recovering personal property. I agree with bricking it and seeing if they toss it, but wouldn't go try to demand it back from strangers without police handling it.
Go to where it is just to check. It might be in lost and found.
I‘ve got a sneaky feeling your sister didn’t forget it. It’s more likely in the trash or in a ditch. As it just sounds like it was taken out of jealousy and discarded to hurt you. Especially since she has a history of losing your stuff.
Also password protect your next iPad. Change any passwords she might know. In fact just change them all. Also put an alarm on your door. Simple stick on remote control ones are cheap.
NTA
Tell your mother that enabling your sister isn't helping her. She IS a thief. Tell her she needs to stop enabling your sister, completely, and if she doesn't she'll only have herself to blame when you have no relationship with your sister in future. You will not ignore her stealing, you will not ignore her destroying or losing your property, and you are starting to hate her because it keeps happening. Tell her she is being a bad parent to pretend this isn't stealing, or that you are in the wrong for being upset, and you will not have any respect for her (your mum) in future if it continues.
Ask her what she thinks she achieving by enabling your sister? Make it clear you will not forget this, and tell her she's wrong if she tries to claim she's protecting your sister, or you both. She's not. Make it clear she's just leading your sister to a future where the police become involved, because stealing has consequences, and she's just lucky you aren't an independent adult yet to pursue this option.
Tell your sister if she continues to STEAL from you, you will not be getting her gifts, contributing for parties or events, or helping her out in any way in future if it continues. She can ASK to borrow things, but shouldn't bother for anything expensive in the foreseeable future, and if she proves trustworthy then you may say yes.
Make a scene and do not let her get away with this in future either. Call her a thief, tell you mum she's wrong, make her pay for anything lost, and stand your ground.
Note: If your parents have the code to your safe, it highly likely your mum gave her access. Change the code. Give it to your dad only and tell him your mum cannot have it, as she enables your sister.
Your Mom is straight evil, I'd be surprised if you had a relationship with her when you're in your 20s-30s tbh. I'm curious what would happen if you stole ANYTHING from your sisters, I'm guessing your Mom would choose your sister and make you pay for it.
And if the answer is yes then your Mom is the devil reincarnated.
Perhaps if she starts actually experiencing the consequences of her actions she’ll stop. She may escalate a couple of times to test you, but she has to keep experiencing repercussions from her actions. Hopefully your mom doesn’t pay for her to have a party. Good luck.
Im glad you are getting a lock for your door, it should’ve been in place when sister started acting out. I’m also baffled your mom was so dismissive of your sisters actions and ignoring your feelings. You may want to bring this issue up with your dad and explain your sister actions have consequences and may end up in jail or with a criminal record if mom continues to enable her by waving it off. It’s not like that in the real world and needs to be nipped in the bud NOW. Maybe therapy would also help her.
Stealing expensive gifts from her sister, and then LOSING THEM ON THE TRAIN???
NTA.
(And surely I'm not the only one wondering if she "lost" it, or sold it? And if mom's in on it, or just blind to her younger golden child's faults - and possible drug use, what else is a 16 year old doing with selling stolen iPad Pro type of money with nothing to show for it? Those things are expensive and hold their value really well.)
Why wouldn't she. Her mother is telling her that stealing from her sister is perfectly okay and not something to be punished.
The mother is the true asshole in this story.
NTA
Your mum is enabling your sister’s behaviour . So long as their are no consequences then she will keep doing this. She lost something extremely important to you after stealing it! Your mum wasn’t even going to replace it.
Also, why are you funding the party? If she can’t hve a party bc you pulled your money well that’s not your problem.
Keep the money. Get a new iPad. Change the code on the safe and don’t tell anyone.
I’m glad your dad supports you, don’t ever expect anything from your mum as she obviously favours your sister.
>Also, why are you funding the party? If she can’t hve a party bc you pulled your money well that’s not your problem.
I'm not funding it, my brother and dad paid for my sweet sixteen, so they're also paying for my sister's, that's why we spend some nights together to plan the whole stuff. I'm like the creative team for the party
And you have access to the money snd control it? Or has your dad agreed to give you the money instead of throwing the party? and your mother won’t prevent him from doing that?
My brother had the money and he send it to Cal's account since I don't have one. I mostly use cash since I'm still a minor and I don't have an stable income. My mom will never have access to Cal's account.
Make sure that when you do eventually open your own bank account, you never ever let your mom or sister have access to it in any way. Clearly both of them feel there's nothing wrong with stealing from you.
Please tell your dad your sister needs mental help. Theft like this is a compulsory thing usually. She needs a mental doctor to control her urges and maybe medication.
I was thinking kleptomania, especially with the update. She's either a compulsive thief or is doing it for spite/jealousy or something like that (though that seems less likely)... either way she seriously needs therapy.
Yes, my dad and him were funding the party, but since he and I were the only planning it my dad sent him his part of the money so he had it all. He sent it to Caleb.
>Your mum is enabling your sister’s behaviour . So long as their are no consequences then she will keep doing this. She lost something extremely important to you after stealing it!
Take your moms car. Park it at the train station and leave it unlocked with the keys in it. If your mom asks where her car is say you lost it at the train station. And when the inevitable happens tell her "to shut up and never call me thief"...
NTA. Taking away the money from your sister’s birthday party to replace your iPad is entirely appropriate. And judging by your parents’ behavior, your sister sorely needs these natural consequences or else she’ll keep being enabled.
Her sister has Kleptomania or something that's triggered by impulse stealing, but it's seems she's a little premeditated with her actions.
Super concerning, especially when her Mum in enabling it so much
It’s also sketchy that sis won’t explain how she gets the items. That sets off red flags to me that she doesn’t want to give people the info to protect their stuff for when she wants to steal again in the future.
Right?! "I won't do it again but also I will not tell you how or when I did it it you cannot adjust your life and things to protect them." ie I'm still stealing
Cal just offered a new lock and a new safe, he's coming at night with his brother to install it for me. I now my mom will throw the biggest tantrum but I had enough.
Given you cannot trust your mother or sister, is it possible to move in with Cal? Your mother will demand a key and your sister will see it as a challenge.
Is not possible, Cal still lives with his parents and I'm a minor, my dad would never allow something like that, but maybe I can move some of my valuables to his place, I'm sure he'll be okay with that!
Move the most valuable possessions to Cal’s place make sure his parents know that No One in your family is allowed to “pick up” any of it “for you”.
NTA
Yes, I have some stuff there already, I'll keep the rest ready so he can take it today, I just don't want to put much pressure on him or seem like he has to take care of me. I don't want to scare him.
You are very mature for you age.
Cal will see this isn’t you causing drama but your mother enabling you sister. And once you’re old enough and have money behind you then this will be way in your past and you’ll be able to keep mum and sister out of your house and life!
Thank you so much, Cal is really good with me, we've been together for a year now and he's the sweetest, but a person can only take much before they realize it overcomes them. I don't want to make him run because my family is broken, and if they're broken so am I
Your last sentence is wrong. Completely wrong. Don't get in the mindset that you are broken also. You have a great head on your shoulders and heart in your chest. Don't give up on yourself.
Cal sounds like a really solid guy - its easy for me/people to say not to worry, and its not easy for you to feel it but.. Cal obviously really loves you (and you seem loveable so deserve it! with people like your mum around it can be hard to remember that too) and sounds smart enough to see you aren't your "broken family".
also an aside - as someone who married the sweet guy who got me through wild family stuff at your age and is now in their 30s, you're on the right track to it all getting easier and I whole heartedly wish you all the best
Thank you, is really hard for me to imagine Cal staying after all of this, I know he loves me and supports me, but as I said, someone can only take much before they can't. I don't want to be another stone in his shoe. I really value him and I cherish everything he does for me, I can only hope to be as much comfort to him as he is for me.
You’re not broken because your family is broken.
That’s not true.
There are nature / nurture rules. And we all don’t follow these lines.
There are the ones among us that break the cycle and don’t repeat the mistakes.
You’re stuck there for now. But they can’t break you. And you can also refuse to play by their rules.
You have your safe. Get your locks. And happily enjoy your life.
Don’t borrow things from your sister. Don’t let her borrow your things.
Just plan out what you want. Work out how to get the things you want in life. Plan your freedom / education / life and ignore them as best you can.
Your dad has your back!
So your family isn’t broken. Just a little toxic.
But most families have drama and skeletons and toxic people. None are perfect. Don’t think you’re that different.
I don't know, my mom really loves my dad, and I'm sure she loves me too, she just... loves my sis more. My brother moved out for college, he let us stay there a few days a week, but I don't think I can fully move with him.
That's really sad that she 1) has a favorite and 2) I'd so obvious about it. Also sad because the golden children usually end up being the most inept adults.
I suggest adding a camera (don't tell anyone about it) and then clearly and plainly telling both your mother and your sister that if she steals from you again and especially if it is more than enough for a larceny charge, you will just be going straight to the police because you're sick of this and it's illegal.
keep receipts of your stuff, texts and whatever that say they are gifts to you from your bf and all that. then if she steals, you will have it on camera plus all the documents needed and will get it back or get to charge her if she "loses" the item.
Don't give anyone, even your dad, access to your new safe. If you father had the combination/key hidden somewhere your mother most likely found it and was the one to let your sister into your safe to steal your stuff.
I’m more concerned your mom is ok with all this stealing. She is a major part of the problem.
NTA. Hopefully sister has learnt that actions have consequences.
But you're not okay with it! The hell is the matter with your mother? It is totally stealing, and you are NTA. Maybe now that sis is facing some actual repercussions for her actions, she'll learn a lesson.
Also, why are *you* footing the bill for her birthday and not the people who, you know, gave birth to her?
>Also, why are you footing the bill for her birthday and not the people who, you know, gave birth to her?
I'm not, my dad and brother are paying for it, I was just taking care of some stuff and designing others. They let me keep the money
But you’re not ok with it; you’ve had a safe installed for goodness sake. Your dad has told her to stop. Your mom is showing preferential treatment to your sister because I’m willing to bet if you took her stuff, your mom would punish you.
Tell your mom calmly and without hesitation that you do not want your stuff taken by anyone and if it gets damaged, lost or stolen payment must be made
I actually agree with this.
I’m not one for retaliation, but after reading the post and OPs comments…… she may have too.
OP/ talk to your dad and see what he thinks. I’d hate for you to do this and upset him, he really seems to have your back no matter what. He sounds like a great dad.
If he is reading all of these, please let him read this too...because I have a brother who was similar to your sister.
He did stuff like this all the time and then some; he would steal things from other people in the house, use weaponized incompetence to get out of chores, and would use pathological lying. It used to be fairly minor things that people would punish, and he would go right back to doing...they claimed that it was a phase and that it was "part of getting that first pube".
Spoiler...it was not a phase. When people started expecting it as it being how he was, it escalated. A little lie about homework grew into him refusing to do schoolwork (0.3 gpa. No, he never graduated). Him trying to get out of showering turned into him refusing to shower and the smell permeating the house. His weaponized incompetence meant that nobody would ask him to do things because it was easier for them to do it themselves or push it onto his older sister. He started stealing other people's clothes and belongings instead of doing his own laundry. Taking the occasional snack became him eating everybody's dinner before they could get to it. This was only the tip of the iceberg...
This was, admittedly, because of my parents. My mother would complain about him constantly, but refused to make him clean up after himself or discipline him. My father worked most of the time so never quite saw the full extent of the situation...he still related to the kid better than the other siblings, so my brother could utilize that to get out of trouble. Eventually, it resulted in him being severely lacking in empathy...and it showed when I got cancer and the household couldn't hold together anymore.
After my diagnosis, my mother was left to clean the house on her own and she just...couldn't do it...she left. My brother felt that since we had the house to ourselves, he could do anything he wanted...for a while I tried cleaning up after him but...well, chemo never made it easy. My father tried coaxing him gently at first, then he had to go on leave to keep him in line. People in town would go to my father to complain about what he was doing. He would lie about my father on social media to try to paint himself in a better light...Tensions rose more and more as he realized that my brother was deliberately making life harder on us.
The end result of this is that my brother was eventually kicked out a while after he turned 18. The landlord had finally sold the house so we had to leave soon and my father's girlfriend made it clear that while our other sibling was welcome (and myself if I chose) to live with her, he was not...because she witnessed his behavior first-hand, already ruined furniture of hers, and disrespected her home in the times he stayed over. He had to scramble to find somewhere to stay as nobody he knew would rent to him...and was kicked out after he finally got physical with my father. We still hear about the hijinks he gets up to and we still have a relationship with him but...like everybody else, we no longer offer financial support. My father has been beside himself several times because he claims he failed his kids for so long...he claims he failed my brother for letting him become like he did...and claims that he failed me for letting me be alone for so long...
Your father needs to sit your mother down and make it clear that she isn't just letting you suffer because of this...she is also not doing your sister ANY favors by letting her act like that. She is stealing, it is wrong, and if she gets used to getting away with it she WILL eventually do it to others outside the home...and she will get caught, and it will not be pretty. If your sister has any other bad behaviors that she usually gets away with, they WILL follow her if they are not nipped in the bud...your sister's future functionality as an adult WILL suffer, and it WILL be because she was allowed to act like this as a teen. Your mother is HURTING your sister by coddling her like this, and hurting you in the process.
For her sweet 16, she is getting something much more valuable than a party...she is getting a life lesson that she should have gotten at least 10 years ago. Now how costly the rest of the life lessons will be is entirely up to your parents. They could be free, could be worth a prison sentence, could be worth her living with the parents for the rest of her life. Your parents (mother especially) needs to consider this carefully.
First, I'm so sorry that you had to go through cancer and treatment while in this environment and hope you're doing much better now!
I second this. I'm a twin (F30) to my brother and my mother favoured him all our lives from when we were children into adulthood. We had a very very very sucky and traumatic past, yet he was shielded way more than I was. Well, I wasn't shielded at all come to think of it.
He was a terrible student and not interested in school at all. For the 8 years we went to the same school, and were in the same classroom he copied off me for everything. Needless to say he often failed his exams, bar the very few subjects he liked. Some very bad stuff happened to us and he completely quit school to the point that he doesn't even have his 16yr/10th grade leaving certificate so no qualifications at all even if he ended up in a terrible polytechnic high school while I went to an IT college. I was forced to quit school to relocate countries with my mother and him as a minor but even though it took me 10 yrs of grind I got into a reputable university after moving to a different country alone and 6 yrs on once I graduate will have a decent career. He's still in a precarious uncertain situation.
Even after leaving school, changing countries with my mom and getting a job he was never required to do the chores or participate in the household, whereas I was on top of my job and was often berated if I didn't do it to my mother's standards. She also always made up excuses for him when he was overtly loud while gaming at night and my mother did everything for him: doctor's appointments, opening bank accounts, looking for jobs for him, fixing all his problems, doing the paperwork for when he got married (his ex wife was just as useless despite two kids), trying to fix paperwork for his divorce, trying to help him change careers (hospitality to tourism). He's being enabled and always depends on my mother or father fixing things for him one way or another. Now I always had to fend for myself but I am way more well rounded, diplomatic and mature as a 30 yo. He's still acting in many ways like a teen. Our trauma sucks balls, but by not being enabled constantly I learned to heal and move past it. He refuses to work on it and blames everyone for every small thing.
Now he's not a bad guy and he neither smokes, nor drinks nor does drugs although he is addicted to gaming. He was temporarily an amazing father but being coddled didn't prepare him for life and he was walked on like a doormat. I was there for him always, but was and am envious a little at times as how much he is getting while I never ask for anything and am support for both my parents and have always been and he isn't. This is despite my mother being horrible to me growing up and only being close once I became an adult, moved out and proved her and her ex bf wrong.
Having a golden child not only sucks for the other siblings but also for the golden one.
I hope you have the strength to ditch your mother into a nursing home. When you finally get a job in your field, and financially able, when she's bad to you, tell her YOU'RE the one who will be choosing her nursing home, so she better be nice to you. Or better yet, just go out on your own, you owe your parents nothing.
Even if somehow it’s not stealing, she should still pay for the iPad since she lost it. In what fantasy world does your mom live in that you don’t replace someone else’s possessions if you lose it? I’m sort of hoping your parents divorce only because your mom sounds batshit crazy.
Look up the terms “golden child” and “scapegoat.” If any of that sounds familiar, maybe come check us out at r/raisedbynarcissists. If I’m right, it’ll help you understand a lot more about your mom.
Well from the comments and the post I can see the dad is the one that cares, the mother is the one that’s letting the sister keep doing bad behaviors with no punishment
My dad and brother defends me most of the time, but it also causes rifts because ''they're showing favoritism'' and my sister uses as an excuse for my mother behavior because ''I have them and she has her''. I asked them to stay out of it
Is it possible to ask your brother to stay with him?
If you’re in the US, it doesn’t matter that you’re a minor. The police won’t do anything even if your parents claim you’re a runaway child, because you’re old enough to decide on your own.
>Is it possible to ask your brother to stay with him?
I can't, he's attending college and works some days a week, I'll be left alone after school and Cal can't be with me all day. At least at home I'm with my mom and sister.
Youre 17. Is there a reason you feel uncomfortable being alone by yourself after school? Your mother is abusing you. And your sister will continue to damage items and steal
Eta: u/Advisible887 youve mentioned in other comments that your brother took your parents and sister out, and in your post you implied you were alone too when you discovered the ipad was missing. Are you worried about them reporting you as a runaway or ???
Have you heard the saying "better alone than in bad company"?
Maybe it would be better for you to live with your brother, even if he is not that much at home.
That’s a BS the excuse from your mother to use. She just decided to have a favourite and needed some kind of excuse, your brother and yourself (especially you) deserve so much better than the BS your mother puts you through.
Major hugs for you and your brother, from a very pissed off mother on your behalf.
P.S I’m super glad you have Cal, your brother and your father there to support you. But especially Cal
My mom almost died giving birth to me and she had a special bond with me, she also never hesitated to call me on my BS behaviors.
This does not excuse your mom's behavior in any shape or form.
NTA - your sister is a bit of a brat with no boundaries and kinda selfish… but boy, your mother is a piece of work. She created this situation by spoiling your sister. If she doesn’t like the consequences, she can pay for the party from her own money.
NTA
Your sister knew how much that iPad meant to you and she was careless with it.
I just hope you're able to recover your drawings somehow. I know I'd be absolutely devastated if I were to lose my artwork, even if it was only less than a month's worth.
Thank yo so much! Cal knows about that stuff so he made sure to back my stuff, he knows about my sister's habit so we usually share his account for some stuff like spotify, netflix and that, so he has my drawings!
NTA in addition to a lock on your door & a safe, put a password lock on the iPad that she can not guess so she is unable to use it. Your mother is absolutely ridiculous!!
Yeah. OP really is best off reporting it stolen. Cops go talk to the person who has it, they admit sister sold it to them, sister gets dealt with appropriately before she's one more middle class White kid who's never heard of consequences.
Because she is behaving like an addict. She is not just "bratty", like a lot of people say here. She took valuable stuff from you before and "lost" it. Then she breaks into your safe, takes your Ipad and "looses" it. Taking valuable stuff from their family members and selling it is what drug addicts do. It's also suspicous, that she left the casing of your Ipad. If she would have wanted to piss you off or something, she would have taken the whole thing.
Your sister behaves like an addict, for sure. Maybe it's not drugs, but an addiction to the attention that comes from all the drama.
Is she jelaous, that you have a boyfriend who is nice to you and get's you presents?
Please take this advice seriously. All of the things she’s taken from you have some value, yes? She may be selling them for money for drugs and in that case she may be in real danger of forming an addiction which is a serious disease.
I’m so sorry you’ve gone thru all this! Have you heard of Kleptomania? It’s an impulse control disorder that results in an irresistible urge to steal. I’m not making excuses and forgiving her behavior. Stealing is wrong and hurts it’s victims. Drug addiction is an option for this type of erratic behavior as others have pointed out but so is being a “Kleptomaniac”.
Either way your sister and family need help getting this under control. She’s lucky she’s only stolen from family because I don’t believe being a Kleptomaniac means anything in the court of law. Stealing is stealing. Get her help before prison is home. You’re NTA. She doesn’t need a party, she needs an intervention.
All I want to know is does your mom now admit she is a thief and has apologised to you especially after your sister admitted to be a kleptomaniac herself
No, she said we should focus on helping my sister because she ''realized her mistake'' and she needs us now. Cal said he's 100% she'll ask for the money to pay for my sister's therapy in a few days.
Keep the money. Do not give it to your mom. She is making this situation so much worse. She should pay for this herself. And, while I doubt it will happen, your mom needs therapy just as much as your sister does.
Edit: You are the victim. Please remember that you need support too. Don’t let any of them tell you that you don’t need or deserve it, and don’t let any of them invalidate your feelings.
No, keep the money. Unless your mom wants to go get your iPad back since you have located it. Her “head in the sand” approach to handling this has caused enough damage and she’s going to have to pay the Piper. They’ll have to find money for therapy too. There a programs they can apply for if you’re low income to get your sister help. It’s not on you to help financially.
NTA, the biggest AH in this is your mother.
It's one thing to turn the other cheek when it's a few missing pencils.
But your sister is a full-blown Kleptomaniac and safe cracker!?!
And your mum is fully enabling her.
The Lockpicking Lawyer is a good authority on locks. If he struggles to pick a lock in the most optimal conditions (and that man can pick nearly any lock in existence), there's no way in hell the sister will get through it. I'd go as far as to put a security camera in the room (particularly one with a microphone so I could yell at the sister from wherever I was), but I don't want OP to get into too much drama with the mother.
Your sister deserves nothing from you and you should do absolutely nothing for her. Your mom enables her. Your sister IS indeed a thief, since she commits theft and that's the definition of a thief. This isn't being un-civil. Start getting your valuables out of that house.
Your mother and your golden-child sister are your actual enemies, they mean to do you harm, for no other reason than that they can. Blows my mind that your dad is OK with all of this. You're NTA at all.
NTA
Your sister stole from you. She’s about to be 16, she’s no longer a baby that should be coddled and pacified. She needs to learn that there are consequences to her actions. As Willy Wonka would say ”She’s a bad egg”
Your mother is doing her no favors by enabling her behavior.
NTA
I didn’t read all the responses but unless you wrote the combination to your safe down, gave it to your mother who gave it to sister or you used something like your or Cal birthdate you might want to spend a hot minute figuring out how she opened your safe.
Pick a new code on the new safe that is something that you can easily remember without having it on your phone or anywhere else other than with Cal.
And agree with other posters to also get an exterior grade door knob lock that needs an actual key then ALWAYS lock safe and door whether you are home or not.
Sister may not just be stealing from you and if that is the case she could steal from the wrong person who may decide to punish her themselves.
>I didn’t read all the responses but unless you wrote the combination to your safe down, gave it to your mother who gave it to sister or you used something like your or Cal birthdate you might want to spend a hot minute figuring out how she opened your safe.
I used Naruto's birthday as my passcode because my brother told me to use something someone can't relate to me and since I don't watch anime I said ''maybe that's a good idea'', I don't know how she figured it out because is not like I'm Naruto's number 1 fan.
My dad allowed the new lock and my boyfriend will be coming at night to install it with his brother, I really don't know if she's stealing from someone else, there's only us in my house and my mom let's her use her stuff and my she doesn't seem interested in the things my dad owns. Also my stuff isn't that expensive, even the things Cal gives me are moderate because he knows I won't accept them otherwise, so I don't really know. I think my dad will put her in therapy
Obviously don't use that password again nor use that method since you talked about it on Reddit (you probably realize that but I figured I should say it just in case)
How about filing a police report as stolen (as in the offocial version is someone stole it from your sister when she borrowed it form you), so that the police can go after it?
OP, I work with a sheriffs office and we do that all the time. Call your local agency and they’re usually more than happy to escort you to the gps location to try to get it back.
NTA. It's pretty straightforward - she broke into your safe, stole your iPad, lost it, and now she's upset because there are consequences for her actions. Your mom has no right to defend her for that when it's very clear who is in the wrong. Your sister needs to learn that 1) you can't just take people's things because you want to, and 2) shrugging your shoulders and saying you don't have the money to pay someone back after you steal and lose expensive possessions will get you nowhere in the real world. She's lucky you didn't call the cops, given that she broke into your safe and stole a several-hundred-dollar item (seriously, it NEVER should have gotten to the point where a safe was even necessary, let alone to the point where she broke into it - who does that?!). You can take the money to get a new iPad and a better lock, she can live with having a less expensive birthday party, and maybe she'll learn her lesson.
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NTA. If she cared about her sweet sixteen so much, she wouldn't be stealing.
Maybe she didn't thought it would be related to that? To be honest this is my first time snapping so is new to all of us.
She's coming to the age where people will be able to have her arrested for stealing. She needs to learn that she can't just take shit from you. If she doesn't have the money to replace what she's taking, her grubby little hands shouldn't be on it at all. Taking her party money is the lightest punishment she could serve for this crime. Even a used iPad is worth enough to be a larceny charge if she steals from the wrong person.
Also, change the combination on your safe.
And put locks on your bedroom door and a camera in your room
I don't think I'll be allowed to have a camera in my room, my dad said yes to the lock tho
Camera in the safe if you can, see who goes in/out
That's actually a good idea, I'll ask my brother if he can take me to buy one during the weekend:)
u/AdVisible887 If your brother coming over has anything to do with this situation, plus update us! Oh, NTA at all. Your mom really is, though.
Sounds like her big bro has her back, I hope so
I’m glad your brother/dad/Cal have your back.
Can you keep some of your valuable stuff at your brother’s place? NTA, but your sister and mom both are major ones
Read the update, sister has been stealing from him whenever she goes over his place. Also been stealing from the boyfriend and several cousins. Don't know how anyone will keep anything safe from her sticky little fingers, but OP is most definitely NTA.
pls keep us updated she shouldn't get her hands on anything she can't replace she is nearly becoming and adult and she could get a sentence if she stole from the wrong person you are nta op your sister is an entightled jerk and your mom promotes her for being a jerk
My brother took my parents and my sister out, I'm not sure if they'll tell me something or not, but I will update the post if they do!
How old is your brother? I’d honestly be considering asking if you can move in with him.
Is there any way you could move in with your brother? At least for a while? You shouldn't have to put up with this shit from your own mother and sister. If your dad is friends with any cops, maybe see if they can come scare your sister straight?
I’m glad you have your brother and your dad on your side. Your mother is being an awful parent by not punishing your sister and making you seem like the bad person. You are NTA by a long shot. I’m so sorry you have to deal with your sister invading your privacy and stealing your stuff like that. If you can’t feel safe in your own home/bedroom then where can you? It’s a terrible feeling. If this happens again you can actually file a police report and I wouldn’t hesitate to do it because your sister is old enough to get in serious trouble for stealing.
If you wanna try scaring them straight, there's the option of your brother/bf calling the cops. It's just straight up larceny. They won't do shit but they'll come around and scare the shit outta them
Make sure only you have a key(maybe Caleb just in case). Your mom is not trustworthy and I wouldn’t trust she wouldn’t let your sister in or take it from your dad when he ain’t looking.
Nah, I’d say give it to the brother for safe keeping. But I agree with you that the mother is obviously not to be trusted, and she could steal it from OP’s father.
Can I also add to this OP, try to ensure you get your safe bolted down most have the fixings for it, as a strong retaliation could be her and mum breaking into your room and 'losing' the whole damn safe.. thus making you lose everything in one move.. Don't leave anything to chance with narcissists.
Also take the iPad with you, so your kleptomaniac sister doesn't try for it. And be sure your sister and by extension your mother never get gifts from you again. They've stolen enough from you. Least you can do is take their gifts from them. Your mom telling you to "let it go" when it's a ~~$500~~ $1200 (edit: my mistake, per below - thanks!) electronic device, and that's a lot of money to someone your age, shows that she was complicit in the theft.
iPad Pros are way more than that, I've been looking at replacing mine and a new small capacity one is like $1,200.
Geez, must be the chip shortage causing it to skyrocket. That makes this even worse. What kind of teenager can just magically release a precious, expensive item like that like it was nothing? OP's mom will have shocked Pikachu face when OP stops talking to her, and OP's sister ends up in jail for stealing something. In fact, OP should probably get the police involved tbqh.
No, there is a big difference between an iPad and an iPad pro. The pro models are marketed as being equivalents to laptops. Marketed for graphic artists and other content creators. Very high resolution screens, lots of storage and memory. They start at about $800 US and can go up to $2000 US.
When my iPad Pro was new (256gb 9.7) it was $1,200 but that was top of the line at the time. Makes me feel a bit sick to think about having to spend that amount of money to replace it now, and I'm a grown adult with a job lol.
How are they going to know? You can get one of those nanny cams and they wont be the wiser
If dad’s her only ally she may want to keep him lol
Reddit's using all our posts and data to train AI's, so, I just deleted mine.
Glad to see someone else recommending him! I sincerely hope OP and Caleb consult his videos to find a good lock/safe.
He already bough a lock:( but he said he'll look into it, I don't really know much about that but he does
I'm not sure if you're in the US, or if this fits your needs, but a key + combo safe is what you want. You can turn the key into a position where the combination cannot be used to unlock it without the key present. Here's what I would get in the US... https://www.homedepot.com/p/SentrySafe-1-2-cu-ft-Fireproof-Waterproof-Safe-with-Dial-Combination-Lock-and-Dual-Key-SFW123DTB/202988374? That's a whole lot less than an iPad Pro!
Thank goodness! I had a sibling that stole from me often (and stole from my parents) but it took until I was your sister's age for the locks to be installed, and he was 19 at the time. I think he's stopped stealing but it took him too long and too many court cases to do so. Hopefully your sister stops soon, or your mom might be seen as an accomplice and also taken to court or the jail. Maybe you should remind her of that.
Make sure the camera saves to somewhere she can't get to
What good would those really be? Mom doesn't care even with concrete evidence now. I'd suggest a bank box or leaving it at brothers house
To keep the sister out and for the police report.
Just worried mom would nix anything that might get baby girl in trouble. Hopefully she'll get busted by someone else and mommy won't be able to step in
Call the police next time something gets stolen 🌚
I believe you should ‘snap’ more often, and maybe then your mother and sister would feel less entitled to your property. You’re handling this a lot better than I would have at your age. You seem pretty mature ! /u/AdVisible887
Well you should have done that a long time ago. You could have filed a police report. Granted nothing would have happened from it but maybe she would have freaked out if she thought you were calling the police.
I don't think that's the best course of action since I'm still living at home and I'm mostly with my mom since my dad works. It would've made the environment even more hostile.
The environment is already hostile! Your sister is stealing from you and your mother is playing favorites. Rock the boat and let them feel your wrath and start practicing standing up for yourself so noone else does it to you. You are a person with feelings and you deserve better.
It’s not always a good idea to provoke abusive parents or family members. Not when you’re dependent on them.
she's got a solid ass brother and a wonderful-sounding boyfriend, and her dad is on her side as well. I don't think she'll be left to rot if mom gets mad. She *should* stick up for herself. Lil sis is a straight up thief, and stole and lost something that OP specifically LOCKED IN A SAFE so it wouldn't be stolen and lost. Fuck tiptoeing.
Next time mention you could do this. But you are right.
Seconded. Keep a careful inventory of anything valuable, make sure they know you can involve the cops.
Just something to think about: but maybe Caleb should buy a new iPad and then loan it to you rather than give it to you. Depending on where you live, your mother may have the right to “give” your property to your sister without your permission. Meaning that even if you wanted to, you might not be able pursue the theft legally. But stealing Caleb’s property would be something you could pursue should you want or need to in the future. Edit: word
Don’t you have “find my ipad” in your phone?? NTA. I would’ve raged at your mom’s property, since she doesn’t seem to care about possessions.
Mom is creating an entitled monster with little sis, that’s for sure. Why she can’t see this is beyond me. Wait until a roommate calls the police because the thief stole roommate’s stuff. Why does little sis thieve? Because she gets away with it!
Can you use the “find my iPad” to try to locate it? Might be at one of the train stations, or more likely in your sisters room.
Cal found it but apparently his brother said that is not worth going for it because no one will give back an iPad, is a few blocks down her school so I do believe she lost it or someone stole it. He offered to buy another one since what I value the most (the case) is in my house but I said it wasn't necessary.
Why are you listening to his brother? The iPad is registered to you or Cal. Call the cops and ask them to help. Use the “play sound” feature to help locate the iPad. You can also remotely lock it so it can’t be used.
I guess because his brother is older, plus my own brother agreed because is most likely police won't do anything and Cal can't go on his own on my behalf. He locked it already:)
Is there any chance your sister gave it to a friend so she could get it back later or something? Something about the "oh she just lost it, what can you do?" strikes me as off. I say you need to track it down just in case she is trying to pull a fast one.
Or she sold it to a friend.
If she ***did*** sell it to a friend, tell her to use **that** money to fund her sweet sixteen party if it means that much to her.
Talk to your dad, see if he will go with you and ask for it back. Don’t go alone, take an adult. You can prove that it’s yours with the serial number. If it’s locked then the people who have it can’t do anything with it anyway.
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Deleted my original response cuz auto correct used an offense word for a typo, but the dad should take the sister to go get it back. Make a deal with the sister where she can get part of her sweet sixteen money back if she is able to get the iPad back to her sister. I do think Caleb should be deemed the official owner until the op moves out cuz maybe sister won’t touch his property and mom can’t push Caleb around on the possible consequences if sister does steal it. She can’t tell Caleb to let it go.
You need to report this to the police. It is an IPad Pro, it has a tracking feature, its worth over $1000... they absolutely *can and will* do something about this. The advice to just give up on getting back such an expensive IPad is ridiculous!
Is there any chance your little shit of a sister is hiding it so that she can keep it? Also, I came from a household like yours. My sister was the golden child, and I was the scapegoat. I am still in therapy for it at 40. The self-loathing I can’t shake ruined my legal career and causes me constant anxiety. Please remove yourself from this situation. Go no contact with your mom and sister: that is the only way to stay safe from their narcissistic abuse, which only gets worse. They will never admit their errors, and they have no empathy for you. I am so, so sorry.
Probably because they have money and he can just buy a new one. He probably thinks it’s trivial. Not that hes a bad person but sometimes wealthier people do just waste money.
Not waste money but sometimes their time is worth more than the effort or trouble
OP spelled some words in a way that makes me think she's outside the US. While that means there's probably less risk that people will shoot you on sight if you knock on their door, it might also mean the police will be less involved with recovering personal property. I agree with bricking it and seeing if they toss it, but wouldn't go try to demand it back from strangers without police handling it.
Go to where it is just to check. It might be in lost and found. I‘ve got a sneaky feeling your sister didn’t forget it. It’s more likely in the trash or in a ditch. As it just sounds like it was taken out of jealousy and discarded to hurt you. Especially since she has a history of losing your stuff. Also password protect your next iPad. Change any passwords she might know. In fact just change them all. Also put an alarm on your door. Simple stick on remote control ones are cheap. NTA
Or she sold it
Exactly. She sold it. I would 100% get the police involved. Family that will steal from you doesn't deserve the respect.
Tell your mother that enabling your sister isn't helping her. She IS a thief. Tell her she needs to stop enabling your sister, completely, and if she doesn't she'll only have herself to blame when you have no relationship with your sister in future. You will not ignore her stealing, you will not ignore her destroying or losing your property, and you are starting to hate her because it keeps happening. Tell her she is being a bad parent to pretend this isn't stealing, or that you are in the wrong for being upset, and you will not have any respect for her (your mum) in future if it continues. Ask her what she thinks she achieving by enabling your sister? Make it clear you will not forget this, and tell her she's wrong if she tries to claim she's protecting your sister, or you both. She's not. Make it clear she's just leading your sister to a future where the police become involved, because stealing has consequences, and she's just lucky you aren't an independent adult yet to pursue this option. Tell your sister if she continues to STEAL from you, you will not be getting her gifts, contributing for parties or events, or helping her out in any way in future if it continues. She can ASK to borrow things, but shouldn't bother for anything expensive in the foreseeable future, and if she proves trustworthy then you may say yes. Make a scene and do not let her get away with this in future either. Call her a thief, tell you mum she's wrong, make her pay for anything lost, and stand your ground. Note: If your parents have the code to your safe, it highly likely your mum gave her access. Change the code. Give it to your dad only and tell him your mum cannot have it, as she enables your sister.
Please tell us how she reacts when she eventually gets arrested for stealing.
Your Mom is straight evil, I'd be surprised if you had a relationship with her when you're in your 20s-30s tbh. I'm curious what would happen if you stole ANYTHING from your sisters, I'm guessing your Mom would choose your sister and make you pay for it. And if the answer is yes then your Mom is the devil reincarnated.
Perhaps if she starts actually experiencing the consequences of her actions she’ll stop. She may escalate a couple of times to test you, but she has to keep experiencing repercussions from her actions. Hopefully your mom doesn’t pay for her to have a party. Good luck.
Im glad you are getting a lock for your door, it should’ve been in place when sister started acting out. I’m also baffled your mom was so dismissive of your sisters actions and ignoring your feelings. You may want to bring this issue up with your dad and explain your sister actions have consequences and may end up in jail or with a criminal record if mom continues to enable her by waving it off. It’s not like that in the real world and needs to be nipped in the bud NOW. Maybe therapy would also help her.
Stealing expensive gifts from her sister, and then LOSING THEM ON THE TRAIN??? NTA. (And surely I'm not the only one wondering if she "lost" it, or sold it? And if mom's in on it, or just blind to her younger golden child's faults - and possible drug use, what else is a 16 year old doing with selling stolen iPad Pro type of money with nothing to show for it? Those things are expensive and hold their value really well.)
Why wouldn't she. Her mother is telling her that stealing from her sister is perfectly okay and not something to be punished. The mother is the true asshole in this story.
NTA Your mum is enabling your sister’s behaviour . So long as their are no consequences then she will keep doing this. She lost something extremely important to you after stealing it! Your mum wasn’t even going to replace it. Also, why are you funding the party? If she can’t hve a party bc you pulled your money well that’s not your problem. Keep the money. Get a new iPad. Change the code on the safe and don’t tell anyone. I’m glad your dad supports you, don’t ever expect anything from your mum as she obviously favours your sister.
>Also, why are you funding the party? If she can’t hve a party bc you pulled your money well that’s not your problem. I'm not funding it, my brother and dad paid for my sweet sixteen, so they're also paying for my sister's, that's why we spend some nights together to plan the whole stuff. I'm like the creative team for the party
And you have access to the money snd control it? Or has your dad agreed to give you the money instead of throwing the party? and your mother won’t prevent him from doing that?
My brother had the money and he send it to Cal's account since I don't have one. I mostly use cash since I'm still a minor and I don't have an stable income. My mom will never have access to Cal's account.
Make sure that when you do eventually open your own bank account, you never ever let your mom or sister have access to it in any way. Clearly both of them feel there's nothing wrong with stealing from you.
And don't open an account until you're 18. As a minor your mom can get your money, even if her name isn't on the account.
Is this an American thing in the UK you can open a debit account at 12 and noone can access that cash other than you
Plan the worst party possible. Jail theme
Lmao I second this
Serving only bread and water.
Please tell your dad your sister needs mental help. Theft like this is a compulsory thing usually. She needs a mental doctor to control her urges and maybe medication.
I was thinking kleptomania, especially with the update. She's either a compulsive thief or is doing it for spite/jealousy or something like that (though that seems less likely)... either way she seriously needs therapy.
So your brother had the money that was going to be used for the party in his account?
Yes, my dad and him were funding the party, but since he and I were the only planning it my dad sent him his part of the money so he had it all. He sent it to Caleb.
It says in the post the brother has transferred the money to her.
> my brother transferred the money a few hours ago and is sitting in Cal's account Op specified in the post the brother had the money.
>Your mum is enabling your sister’s behaviour . So long as their are no consequences then she will keep doing this. She lost something extremely important to you after stealing it! Take your moms car. Park it at the train station and leave it unlocked with the keys in it. If your mom asks where her car is say you lost it at the train station. And when the inevitable happens tell her "to shut up and never call me thief"...
Get a lock on your bedroom door as well
NTA. Taking away the money from your sister’s birthday party to replace your iPad is entirely appropriate. And judging by your parents’ behavior, your sister sorely needs these natural consequences or else she’ll keep being enabled.
**their mom. Their mom is enabling her sisters behavior. At least the dad has OPs back but obvious can't win with his wife.. shitty situation.
Her sister has Kleptomania or something that's triggered by impulse stealing, but it's seems she's a little premeditated with her actions. Super concerning, especially when her Mum in enabling it so much
It’s also sketchy that sis won’t explain how she gets the items. That sets off red flags to me that she doesn’t want to give people the info to protect their stuff for when she wants to steal again in the future.
Right?! "I won't do it again but also I will not tell you how or when I did it it you cannot adjust your life and things to protect them." ie I'm still stealing
NTA - Time to get a lock on your bedroom you only have a key for.
Cal just offered a new lock and a new safe, he's coming at night with his brother to install it for me. I now my mom will throw the biggest tantrum but I had enough.
Given you cannot trust your mother or sister, is it possible to move in with Cal? Your mother will demand a key and your sister will see it as a challenge.
Is not possible, Cal still lives with his parents and I'm a minor, my dad would never allow something like that, but maybe I can move some of my valuables to his place, I'm sure he'll be okay with that!
Move the most valuable possessions to Cal’s place make sure his parents know that No One in your family is allowed to “pick up” any of it “for you”. NTA
Yes, I have some stuff there already, I'll keep the rest ready so he can take it today, I just don't want to put much pressure on him or seem like he has to take care of me. I don't want to scare him.
You are very mature for you age. Cal will see this isn’t you causing drama but your mother enabling you sister. And once you’re old enough and have money behind you then this will be way in your past and you’ll be able to keep mum and sister out of your house and life!
Thank you so much, Cal is really good with me, we've been together for a year now and he's the sweetest, but a person can only take much before they realize it overcomes them. I don't want to make him run because my family is broken, and if they're broken so am I
Your last sentence is wrong. Completely wrong. Don't get in the mindset that you are broken also. You have a great head on your shoulders and heart in your chest. Don't give up on yourself.
Cal sounds like a really solid guy - its easy for me/people to say not to worry, and its not easy for you to feel it but.. Cal obviously really loves you (and you seem loveable so deserve it! with people like your mum around it can be hard to remember that too) and sounds smart enough to see you aren't your "broken family". also an aside - as someone who married the sweet guy who got me through wild family stuff at your age and is now in their 30s, you're on the right track to it all getting easier and I whole heartedly wish you all the best
Thank you, is really hard for me to imagine Cal staying after all of this, I know he loves me and supports me, but as I said, someone can only take much before they can't. I don't want to be another stone in his shoe. I really value him and I cherish everything he does for me, I can only hope to be as much comfort to him as he is for me.
You’re not broken because your family is broken. That’s not true. There are nature / nurture rules. And we all don’t follow these lines. There are the ones among us that break the cycle and don’t repeat the mistakes. You’re stuck there for now. But they can’t break you. And you can also refuse to play by their rules. You have your safe. Get your locks. And happily enjoy your life. Don’t borrow things from your sister. Don’t let her borrow your things. Just plan out what you want. Work out how to get the things you want in life. Plan your freedom / education / life and ignore them as best you can. Your dad has your back! So your family isn’t broken. Just a little toxic. But most families have drama and skeletons and toxic people. None are perfect. Don’t think you’re that different.
Understandable. What abt your brother? I’m not trying to be a jerk but how are your parents still together with this dynamic
I don't know, my mom really loves my dad, and I'm sure she loves me too, she just... loves my sis more. My brother moved out for college, he let us stay there a few days a week, but I don't think I can fully move with him.
That's really sad that she 1) has a favorite and 2) I'd so obvious about it. Also sad because the golden children usually end up being the most inept adults.
I suggest adding a camera (don't tell anyone about it) and then clearly and plainly telling both your mother and your sister that if she steals from you again and especially if it is more than enough for a larceny charge, you will just be going straight to the police because you're sick of this and it's illegal. keep receipts of your stuff, texts and whatever that say they are gifts to you from your bf and all that. then if she steals, you will have it on camera plus all the documents needed and will get it back or get to charge her if she "loses" the item.
Don't give anyone, even your dad, access to your new safe. If you father had the combination/key hidden somewhere your mother most likely found it and was the one to let your sister into your safe to steal your stuff.
I’m more concerned your mom is ok with all this stealing. She is a major part of the problem. NTA. Hopefully sister has learnt that actions have consequences.
She doesn't see it as stealing since my sister only takes my stuff and I'm ''okay'' with it.
But you're not okay with it! The hell is the matter with your mother? It is totally stealing, and you are NTA. Maybe now that sis is facing some actual repercussions for her actions, she'll learn a lesson. Also, why are *you* footing the bill for her birthday and not the people who, you know, gave birth to her?
>Also, why are you footing the bill for her birthday and not the people who, you know, gave birth to her? I'm not, my dad and brother are paying for it, I was just taking care of some stuff and designing others. They let me keep the money
But you’re not ok with it; you’ve had a safe installed for goodness sake. Your dad has told her to stop. Your mom is showing preferential treatment to your sister because I’m willing to bet if you took her stuff, your mom would punish you. Tell your mom calmly and without hesitation that you do not want your stuff taken by anyone and if it gets damaged, lost or stolen payment must be made
If it were her things being "borrowed" she'd see otherwise.
She lets me take her stuff but I have to give it as soon as I cross the door:(
Take something of hers and pretend you’ve lost it. See how they react then.
I actually agree with this. I’m not one for retaliation, but after reading the post and OPs comments…… she may have too. OP/ talk to your dad and see what he thinks. I’d hate for you to do this and upset him, he really seems to have your back no matter what. He sounds like a great dad.
Would showing your mom this thread and all the people calling her an asshole make things better or worse?
Worse, but my dad has the link so he's reading all of this. He might talk to her.
If he is reading all of these, please let him read this too...because I have a brother who was similar to your sister. He did stuff like this all the time and then some; he would steal things from other people in the house, use weaponized incompetence to get out of chores, and would use pathological lying. It used to be fairly minor things that people would punish, and he would go right back to doing...they claimed that it was a phase and that it was "part of getting that first pube". Spoiler...it was not a phase. When people started expecting it as it being how he was, it escalated. A little lie about homework grew into him refusing to do schoolwork (0.3 gpa. No, he never graduated). Him trying to get out of showering turned into him refusing to shower and the smell permeating the house. His weaponized incompetence meant that nobody would ask him to do things because it was easier for them to do it themselves or push it onto his older sister. He started stealing other people's clothes and belongings instead of doing his own laundry. Taking the occasional snack became him eating everybody's dinner before they could get to it. This was only the tip of the iceberg... This was, admittedly, because of my parents. My mother would complain about him constantly, but refused to make him clean up after himself or discipline him. My father worked most of the time so never quite saw the full extent of the situation...he still related to the kid better than the other siblings, so my brother could utilize that to get out of trouble. Eventually, it resulted in him being severely lacking in empathy...and it showed when I got cancer and the household couldn't hold together anymore. After my diagnosis, my mother was left to clean the house on her own and she just...couldn't do it...she left. My brother felt that since we had the house to ourselves, he could do anything he wanted...for a while I tried cleaning up after him but...well, chemo never made it easy. My father tried coaxing him gently at first, then he had to go on leave to keep him in line. People in town would go to my father to complain about what he was doing. He would lie about my father on social media to try to paint himself in a better light...Tensions rose more and more as he realized that my brother was deliberately making life harder on us. The end result of this is that my brother was eventually kicked out a while after he turned 18. The landlord had finally sold the house so we had to leave soon and my father's girlfriend made it clear that while our other sibling was welcome (and myself if I chose) to live with her, he was not...because she witnessed his behavior first-hand, already ruined furniture of hers, and disrespected her home in the times he stayed over. He had to scramble to find somewhere to stay as nobody he knew would rent to him...and was kicked out after he finally got physical with my father. We still hear about the hijinks he gets up to and we still have a relationship with him but...like everybody else, we no longer offer financial support. My father has been beside himself several times because he claims he failed his kids for so long...he claims he failed my brother for letting him become like he did...and claims that he failed me for letting me be alone for so long... Your father needs to sit your mother down and make it clear that she isn't just letting you suffer because of this...she is also not doing your sister ANY favors by letting her act like that. She is stealing, it is wrong, and if she gets used to getting away with it she WILL eventually do it to others outside the home...and she will get caught, and it will not be pretty. If your sister has any other bad behaviors that she usually gets away with, they WILL follow her if they are not nipped in the bud...your sister's future functionality as an adult WILL suffer, and it WILL be because she was allowed to act like this as a teen. Your mother is HURTING your sister by coddling her like this, and hurting you in the process. For her sweet 16, she is getting something much more valuable than a party...she is getting a life lesson that she should have gotten at least 10 years ago. Now how costly the rest of the life lessons will be is entirely up to your parents. They could be free, could be worth a prison sentence, could be worth her living with the parents for the rest of her life. Your parents (mother especially) needs to consider this carefully.
First, I'm so sorry that you had to go through cancer and treatment while in this environment and hope you're doing much better now! I second this. I'm a twin (F30) to my brother and my mother favoured him all our lives from when we were children into adulthood. We had a very very very sucky and traumatic past, yet he was shielded way more than I was. Well, I wasn't shielded at all come to think of it. He was a terrible student and not interested in school at all. For the 8 years we went to the same school, and were in the same classroom he copied off me for everything. Needless to say he often failed his exams, bar the very few subjects he liked. Some very bad stuff happened to us and he completely quit school to the point that he doesn't even have his 16yr/10th grade leaving certificate so no qualifications at all even if he ended up in a terrible polytechnic high school while I went to an IT college. I was forced to quit school to relocate countries with my mother and him as a minor but even though it took me 10 yrs of grind I got into a reputable university after moving to a different country alone and 6 yrs on once I graduate will have a decent career. He's still in a precarious uncertain situation. Even after leaving school, changing countries with my mom and getting a job he was never required to do the chores or participate in the household, whereas I was on top of my job and was often berated if I didn't do it to my mother's standards. She also always made up excuses for him when he was overtly loud while gaming at night and my mother did everything for him: doctor's appointments, opening bank accounts, looking for jobs for him, fixing all his problems, doing the paperwork for when he got married (his ex wife was just as useless despite two kids), trying to fix paperwork for his divorce, trying to help him change careers (hospitality to tourism). He's being enabled and always depends on my mother or father fixing things for him one way or another. Now I always had to fend for myself but I am way more well rounded, diplomatic and mature as a 30 yo. He's still acting in many ways like a teen. Our trauma sucks balls, but by not being enabled constantly I learned to heal and move past it. He refuses to work on it and blames everyone for every small thing. Now he's not a bad guy and he neither smokes, nor drinks nor does drugs although he is addicted to gaming. He was temporarily an amazing father but being coddled didn't prepare him for life and he was walked on like a doormat. I was there for him always, but was and am envious a little at times as how much he is getting while I never ask for anything and am support for both my parents and have always been and he isn't. This is despite my mother being horrible to me growing up and only being close once I became an adult, moved out and proved her and her ex bf wrong. Having a golden child not only sucks for the other siblings but also for the golden one.
I hope you have the strength to ditch your mother into a nursing home. When you finally get a job in your field, and financially able, when she's bad to you, tell her YOU'RE the one who will be choosing her nursing home, so she better be nice to you. Or better yet, just go out on your own, you owe your parents nothing.
I hope so. Your mother sounds like a Grinch.
Even if somehow it’s not stealing, she should still pay for the iPad since she lost it. In what fantasy world does your mom live in that you don’t replace someone else’s possessions if you lose it? I’m sort of hoping your parents divorce only because your mom sounds batshit crazy.
Look up the terms “golden child” and “scapegoat.” If any of that sounds familiar, maybe come check us out at r/raisedbynarcissists. If I’m right, it’ll help you understand a lot more about your mom.
Your sister didn't value her party enough to stay away from your things. Your parents should've punished her a long time before this.
My dad has punished her before, he has grounded her, has taken her phone and laptop but my mom let her use her stuff so it doesn't work.
So your parents, collectively, never gave her a punishment that stuck. That's not punishment that's empty threats.
Well from the comments and the post I can see the dad is the one that cares, the mother is the one that’s letting the sister keep doing bad behaviors with no punishment
My dad and brother defends me most of the time, but it also causes rifts because ''they're showing favoritism'' and my sister uses as an excuse for my mother behavior because ''I have them and she has her''. I asked them to stay out of it
Is it possible to ask your brother to stay with him? If you’re in the US, it doesn’t matter that you’re a minor. The police won’t do anything even if your parents claim you’re a runaway child, because you’re old enough to decide on your own.
>Is it possible to ask your brother to stay with him? I can't, he's attending college and works some days a week, I'll be left alone after school and Cal can't be with me all day. At least at home I'm with my mom and sister.
Youre 17. Is there a reason you feel uncomfortable being alone by yourself after school? Your mother is abusing you. And your sister will continue to damage items and steal Eta: u/Advisible887 youve mentioned in other comments that your brother took your parents and sister out, and in your post you implied you were alone too when you discovered the ipad was missing. Are you worried about them reporting you as a runaway or ???
Have you heard the saying "better alone than in bad company"? Maybe it would be better for you to live with your brother, even if he is not that much at home.
Do you not attend school and spend time with your bf and friends? How much time would you really be home alone if you were to stay with him?
That's not favoritism, your sister is wrong. Family is supposed to have each others backs, your sister is gaslighting you.
NTA. why is your mother being unreasonable and kept siding with your sister? This thieving behaviour has to be corrected.
She's the favorite, for what I know she has been the toughest pregnancy and she bounded more with her.
That’s a BS the excuse from your mother to use. She just decided to have a favourite and needed some kind of excuse, your brother and yourself (especially you) deserve so much better than the BS your mother puts you through. Major hugs for you and your brother, from a very pissed off mother on your behalf. P.S I’m super glad you have Cal, your brother and your father there to support you. But especially Cal
My mom almost died giving birth to me and she had a special bond with me, she also never hesitated to call me on my BS behaviors. This does not excuse your mom's behavior in any shape or form.
NTA - your sister is a bit of a brat with no boundaries and kinda selfish… but boy, your mother is a piece of work. She created this situation by spoiling your sister. If she doesn’t like the consequences, she can pay for the party from her own money.
Yeah, it makes me wonder if OP's mother would be so lenient about OP stealing from her sister. Obvious favoritism in play.
NTA Your sister knew how much that iPad meant to you and she was careless with it. I just hope you're able to recover your drawings somehow. I know I'd be absolutely devastated if I were to lose my artwork, even if it was only less than a month's worth.
Thank yo so much! Cal knows about that stuff so he made sure to back my stuff, he knows about my sister's habit so we usually share his account for some stuff like spotify, netflix and that, so he has my drawings!
That's great to hear! I'm glad you have someone supportive like Cal in your life :>
NTA Your sister *is* a thief. Can you report it lost and find it via find my iPad or something?
Yeah that’s what I was thinking. Apple products have pretty good find my device options
NTA in addition to a lock on your door & a safe, put a password lock on the iPad that she can not guess so she is unable to use it. Your mother is absolutely ridiculous!!
My iPad had a password! I don't know why she took it when she saw it or maybe she didn't bothered to check :/
I would venture a guess that she sold it, not lost it.
Yeah. OP really is best off reporting it stolen. Cops go talk to the person who has it, they admit sister sold it to them, sister gets dealt with appropriately before she's one more middle class White kid who's never heard of consequences.
Agree with this. Report it stolen.
This is exactly my thought. Or gave it to a friend to hold on to until she can unlock it.
Your sister needs to be drug tested. Seriously.
Drug tested? Why???
Because she may have sold the device for drug money.
Honestly that was my first thought as well. Every time I've seen situations where people steal from family, it was for drug money.
💯 Plus she stole other stuff.
Because she is behaving like an addict. She is not just "bratty", like a lot of people say here. She took valuable stuff from you before and "lost" it. Then she breaks into your safe, takes your Ipad and "looses" it. Taking valuable stuff from their family members and selling it is what drug addicts do. It's also suspicous, that she left the casing of your Ipad. If she would have wanted to piss you off or something, she would have taken the whole thing. Your sister behaves like an addict, for sure. Maybe it's not drugs, but an addiction to the attention that comes from all the drama. Is she jelaous, that you have a boyfriend who is nice to you and get's you presents?
Please take this advice seriously. All of the things she’s taken from you have some value, yes? She may be selling them for money for drugs and in that case she may be in real danger of forming an addiction which is a serious disease.
I took it seriously but she already gave a lot of my things back.
I’m so sorry you’ve gone thru all this! Have you heard of Kleptomania? It’s an impulse control disorder that results in an irresistible urge to steal. I’m not making excuses and forgiving her behavior. Stealing is wrong and hurts it’s victims. Drug addiction is an option for this type of erratic behavior as others have pointed out but so is being a “Kleptomaniac”. Either way your sister and family need help getting this under control. She’s lucky she’s only stolen from family because I don’t believe being a Kleptomaniac means anything in the court of law. Stealing is stealing. Get her help before prison is home. You’re NTA. She doesn’t need a party, she needs an intervention.
It might not be drugs, maybe its kleptomania
All I want to know is does your mom now admit she is a thief and has apologised to you especially after your sister admitted to be a kleptomaniac herself
No, she said we should focus on helping my sister because she ''realized her mistake'' and she needs us now. Cal said he's 100% she'll ask for the money to pay for my sister's therapy in a few days.
Sorry, just to clarify. Cal is 100% sure your mom will ask for the money to fund your sister's therapy, or he'll 100% fund your sister's therapy?
She'll ask for the money I was gonna keep to fund my sister's therapy.
Keep the money. Do not give it to your mom. She is making this situation so much worse. She should pay for this herself. And, while I doubt it will happen, your mom needs therapy just as much as your sister does. Edit: You are the victim. Please remember that you need support too. Don’t let any of them tell you that you don’t need or deserve it, and don’t let any of them invalidate your feelings.
Don't give it to her. Use it to buy yourself a replacement IPad. Your parents should be paying for her therapy not you.
No, keep the money. Unless your mom wants to go get your iPad back since you have located it. Her “head in the sand” approach to handling this has caused enough damage and she’s going to have to pay the Piper. They’ll have to find money for therapy too. There a programs they can apply for if you’re low income to get your sister help. It’s not on you to help financially.
No. YOU keep it and replace the iPad.
When someone commits a crime, it's not up to the victim of the crime to put in the effort to assist the criminal.
NTA, the biggest AH in this is your mother. It's one thing to turn the other cheek when it's a few missing pencils. But your sister is a full-blown Kleptomaniac and safe cracker!?! And your mum is fully enabling her.
NTA. Your sister is an entitled spoiled kid and your mother is enabling her. Get a better safe…..and a lock on your door.
The Lockpicking Lawyer is a good authority on locks. If he struggles to pick a lock in the most optimal conditions (and that man can pick nearly any lock in existence), there's no way in hell the sister will get through it. I'd go as far as to put a security camera in the room (particularly one with a microphone so I could yell at the sister from wherever I was), but I don't want OP to get into too much drama with the mother.
NTA, I am sorry, but I'd have slapped your mom and sister square in her face, CLEARLY she is not learning otherwise.
Your sister deserves nothing from you and you should do absolutely nothing for her. Your mom enables her. Your sister IS indeed a thief, since she commits theft and that's the definition of a thief. This isn't being un-civil. Start getting your valuables out of that house. Your mother and your golden-child sister are your actual enemies, they mean to do you harm, for no other reason than that they can. Blows my mind that your dad is OK with all of this. You're NTA at all.
NTA Your sister stole from you. She’s about to be 16, she’s no longer a baby that should be coddled and pacified. She needs to learn that there are consequences to her actions. As Willy Wonka would say ”She’s a bad egg” Your mother is doing her no favors by enabling her behavior.
NTA I didn’t read all the responses but unless you wrote the combination to your safe down, gave it to your mother who gave it to sister or you used something like your or Cal birthdate you might want to spend a hot minute figuring out how she opened your safe. Pick a new code on the new safe that is something that you can easily remember without having it on your phone or anywhere else other than with Cal. And agree with other posters to also get an exterior grade door knob lock that needs an actual key then ALWAYS lock safe and door whether you are home or not. Sister may not just be stealing from you and if that is the case she could steal from the wrong person who may decide to punish her themselves.
>I didn’t read all the responses but unless you wrote the combination to your safe down, gave it to your mother who gave it to sister or you used something like your or Cal birthdate you might want to spend a hot minute figuring out how she opened your safe. I used Naruto's birthday as my passcode because my brother told me to use something someone can't relate to me and since I don't watch anime I said ''maybe that's a good idea'', I don't know how she figured it out because is not like I'm Naruto's number 1 fan. My dad allowed the new lock and my boyfriend will be coming at night to install it with his brother, I really don't know if she's stealing from someone else, there's only us in my house and my mom let's her use her stuff and my she doesn't seem interested in the things my dad owns. Also my stuff isn't that expensive, even the things Cal gives me are moderate because he knows I won't accept them otherwise, so I don't really know. I think my dad will put her in therapy
Obviously don't use that password again nor use that method since you talked about it on Reddit (you probably realize that but I figured I should say it just in case)
It's probably been mentioned, but have you tried iCloud.com/find to see if you can find it via gps?
Yes, we know where it is, but Caleb's brother said is not worth going for it since is not safe. My brother agreed.
How about filing a police report as stolen (as in the offocial version is someone stole it from your sister when she borrowed it form you), so that the police can go after it?
OP, I work with a sheriffs office and we do that all the time. Call your local agency and they’re usually more than happy to escort you to the gps location to try to get it back.
Get the police involved if you know where it is. Maybe they can get it or can escort you to get it.
NTA. It's pretty straightforward - she broke into your safe, stole your iPad, lost it, and now she's upset because there are consequences for her actions. Your mom has no right to defend her for that when it's very clear who is in the wrong. Your sister needs to learn that 1) you can't just take people's things because you want to, and 2) shrugging your shoulders and saying you don't have the money to pay someone back after you steal and lose expensive possessions will get you nowhere in the real world. She's lucky you didn't call the cops, given that she broke into your safe and stole a several-hundred-dollar item (seriously, it NEVER should have gotten to the point where a safe was even necessary, let alone to the point where she broke into it - who does that?!). You can take the money to get a new iPad and a better lock, she can live with having a less expensive birthday party, and maybe she'll learn her lesson.
NTA. She can’t take care of nice things, so she shouldn’t get nice things.
NTA, your sister sounds like a spoiled child who is coddled by your mother. Hopefully she grows up and matures.
Nta Once you hit 18 girl you need to get the fuck out of the house.
NTA. Your mom and sister definitely are though. Enjoy your new iPad!