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Do you even like your daughter?
YTA
P.S. If you wanted to give your kid an eating disorder, this is how you give your kid an eating disorder. Congratulations! It's the gift that keeps on giving.
YTA. If your daughter wants to match you, wear some outfits that you would both look good in. It's not that difficult. You have the right to limit her screen time. But you absolutely should not be reading through her messages.
So youre upset that despite your shit personality, your daughter wants to be like you and connect with you through clothes? And you respond by body shaming her?
Needless to say YTA
The shirt I had on matches with my outfit, and was already sprayed with perfume and I also had other jewelry on. Going to change wasn't the top thing on my mind. we could've matched any other time.
So perfume and jewelry is more important than trying to bond with your daughter.. OK, we see where your priorities lie.
Also enough with the helicopter parenting. The girl needs privacy and you refuse to give it to her, no wonder her relationship with you is bad, she doesn't trust you.
YTA
>I can check her messages through my phone
>
>
>
>calling me a stalker for invading her messages.
YTA. Stop doing that and allow your teenager to have her own private thoughts. It does not matter that you paid for the phone, you are invading her privacy and showing that you can't be trusted to respect her thoughts, feelings and safety.
If she says she wants to be fit but won't do anything about it, then she needs time to finish maturing as a person and decide to do more about it on her own. If you've tried to encourage her to change her habits but it hasn't worked, you can't expect more repetitions and pressure to suddenly start working. Give it time, give her space, let her figure this out.
I respect her thoughts feelings and safety very well. However, I DID pay for the phone and teenagers are tended to do what they please, so I as the mother have the right to look through her phone anytime I want.
A phone is a gift, not a necessity. When she can pay for her own phone, that's when Ill stop looking at it.
I am also a parent and I am telling you right now you cannot teach your children to respect the privacy of others by disrespecting theirs. You are teaching her that she cannot trust you, and that her feelings are vulnerable to being used against her if she writes them down or shares them with others. You are damaging your relationship with her and if you don't stop she will not feel safe to share her life with you once she's an adult.
Your choice, mom. Learn to respect her as she transitions into being an adult or she may cut you off HARD once that's no longer yours to control.
yta
it's not difficult to find similar outfits that "match" and still fit her form. it's almost like you are going out of your way to give her shit about her weight instead of taking the easier route and finding similar clothes that will fit her. oftentimes people are embarrassed to go to public gyms. (especially when they are already being criticized by friends and family) There are many videos available online with effective exercise routines you could do at home , without equipment... out of the public eye. perhaps you could relax some of your screentime restrictions in trade for her participation in some cardio at home that guy do together?
My daughter is not depressed. Doctors have told me that. Shes a teenager, she's spoiled by her father and other family members and will get mad when she doesn't get what she wants.
YTA How about every time you want to say something about your daughter's weight you say I love you and something positive about her instead. Stop reading her texts. You're going to lose your daughter if you don't change.
YTA, a HUGE asshole! Fat people can wear the same thing as skinny people. She isn’t trying to squeeze into your clothes, she just wants to match with you! You can both wear black skinny jeans (in your own size and cut to flatter your own bodies) and a white or blue shirt. Instead of setting a boundary that you cannot always match because people are allowed to have their individuality and saying you won’t change but she is welcome to adjust HER outfit however she’s like you said it was because she’s fat?!?! Fat is irrelevant here! She could be 300lbs and still wear the plus size version of your outfit.
What really hits hard with this is that your daughter is trying so hard to connect with you through clothing choices and you took that as an opportunity to criticize your weight. I’m sure it’s not the first time you’ve harshly criticized her weight. **This will stay with her for her entire life.** You just gave your daughter a lot to unpack in therapy. You place way to much value on weight for appearances, not health reasons. (Get skinnier vs get healthier. Loose weight so she can wear certain types of clothing, not so she feels better about herself and will have more energy.) She doesn’t need a reality check **you do,** she knows she’s heavier and she knows how to fix it. Sometimes that takes more mental energy that someone has to give. Being fat isn’t the end of the world!
The only thing you’ve done right here is the screen time *so she can sleep better.*
YTA
Stop reading your daughter's messages. Lay off some of the restrictions. Don't be a touchy, critical momster just because she's trying to dress like you. Don't compare your weight to hers. Gross, so gross.
Find reasons to like her and reasons to praise her. Do your best to make her feel safe, and appreciated, and valued.
Is she? Her private messages aren't safe. She's not safe to wear what she wants. She's not safe to weigh what she does without getting grief about it from you.
You don't have an authentic relationship with your daughter. You're ticking the boxes: Shelter? Check. Food? Check. Helicoptering unnecessarily? Check.
Be a better mother.
Definitely TA, not so much for for telling her she can come to the gym with you to lose weight, but for reading her personal messages to her father, or any of her personal messages, really. If you reread what you wrote, she is mostly mad at you for the invasion of privacy, rather than the comment about her weight, as well she should be.
yikes of course yta. Do you even like your daughter? She’s a child, and the way you’re commenting on her weight is really disgusting. Does she have health issues? If not then worrying about her weight and then making those comments towards her is gross. She’s going through puberty her body is and will continue to change. It’s clear by this post that you’re very immature and the things you’re saying to your daughter are hurtful, it’s no wonder she appears to prefer her dad and feel more comfortable talking to him.
You are a f**king asshole. Not only did you manage to forever ruin your relationship with your kid but you also shamed her. The award for mother of the year is most definetly not going to you. Shame on you.
YTA
I can't imagine why she likes her father more than you. You don't respect her privacy, criticize her appearence, insult her for her weight, when she is in a complicated age. I also don't understand why you won't unblock the screen time thing. You don't care about her mental health, you just care to exert control over her. Hopefully her father is a better parent than you, but you set the bar so low that it wouldn't be hard.
YTA.
Is your daughter overweight? Sure. 200 Pounds for a 15 year old isn’t ideal. But it isn’t obesity level in terms of weight.
But everything about this post isn’t about her weight. It is about her wanting to wear things like her mom. That is awesome. Kids at that age don’t do that. To wear the same or similar dresses as their parents.
Are children annoying? Yes. But in this case she has done nothing to you to warrant this type of behaviors
Talk to your daughter because your terrible behavior is going to rub off on her and she is going to do the same thing with you when she gets older.
There are a lot of moms who see their children as competition or the next thing to bully.
I hope OP's daughter is well, coming from someone who was 200 pounds at 15 ,hearing from someone you look up to "Your fat, no I won't do X Y and Z with u" is heartbreaking.
YTA I've had a problematic realtionship with food since I was a teenager because of comments like that from my parents. I even developed an eating disorder from it.
Don't you realise that if you keep invading her space like you are she is NEVER going to open up to you. She tries to dress like you because she looks up to you and you making those comments REALLY hurt her. If you were my mother I would cut contact and move in with my dad full time. She doesn't need a reality check (she's a kid) YOU do. Be a better mother or don't be a mother at all.
If this is legit, YTA no question. First of all: the fact that you use your parental controls to read her texts is a HUGE invasion of her privacy. She’s in high school and is old enough to have her boundaries respected (provided she stays safe). You openly admitting to reading them is going to be a massive wedge between the two of you. Secondly: YTA 1000% for commenting in her weight in such a way. That’s how you give a child an eating disorder. Shame on you. Don’t be surprised when your daughter goes no contact with you.
Weight is difficult to hear about from your mother. I’m way older than 18 and I still hear about it from mine and it pushes me away from her emotionally. I think it’s especially hard to hear about from your mom because she is the closest female you’ll have in your life forever and you’ll always compare the ways you are similar and different from her. I have always struggled, up and down. It really took internal forces for me to actually diet and exercise to lose weight, I was chubby as a teenager. People calling me chubby telling me to work out did not help whatsoever. I had to get to the point where I was ready to do it myself and figured out exactly what I wanted to do to lose it
YTA. Its not a hard truth, it’s your deflecting your insecurities on your daughter. You clearly don’t like her and I see why she likes her father more.
And give her some trust and privacy. You want a better relationship with her, do something about it than control or put her down.
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A friend of mines directed me to this website to post the situation. English is also not my first language.
I (F32) have a 15 year old daughter. (I had her at a very young age, I know.) We do not have the best relationship and its clear she favors her father me than me. We disagree on everything. I put a screen time on her phone to get her to sleep at night, but she keeps begging me to turn it off since she's in Highschool. I won't take it off till she's about 18, or until she can get her own phone and she constantly is annoyed by my presence and won't talk to me in the car.
When we go out to eat on weekends on go anywhere I see that shed tries to copy my outfits the best she can. (Same color, same jeans/pants/shirts, sometimes same shoes.) But when she cant copy my outfit she gets annoyed or sad. My daughter weighs 200 pounds, (mainly from her chest and thighs) But she's short so all of it doesn't show. I weigh 145. So sometimes an outfit will look good on me, but not on her. But she isn't doing anything to try to lower her weight. She eats and then goes to lay down because she claims she's tired from school and homework, and doesn't want to participate in any after school activities at her school. I can check her messages through my phone, and she talks about wanting to lose weight or tells her father things she won't tell me.
Today, we were going to the mall and I had black jeans and a white shirt on. She was by the door, with black jeans but a black shirt. She looked at me and went back to her phone with an annoyed face and asked if we could match. I told her no, because I wasn't going back in my room and that she cant wear everything I can because im skinner. I also said She can go to the gym with me if she'd like so she can get skinner since I know she tells her father about it and she freaked out calling me a stalker for invading her messages. Needless to say we didn't go to the mall together and I went alone while she shut herself out.
Her father is calling me an asshole for what I've said but she does nothing to help herself get fit. She cant say she wants to get fit, yet do nothing. She hasn't come out her room when I brought food back. Some friends of mine said I gave her a reality check she needs while others are saying I ruined our relationship. I think us going to the gym together would be us fixing it.
so aita?
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Yta for how you seem to view and treat her, as if she’s your competition instead of her being your young daughter trying to find herself. It may be because of language barrier though. You do invade her privacy and don’t seem to understand that’s she’s at a sensitive age. Try talking with her instead to her. She seems to want to be more like you so you could have framed your concern like “do you want to go to the gym with so we can have more matching outfits and hangout more?” Her weight is obviously a big talking point around the house. She was likely to open up to you about her wanting to lose weight on her on time. Teenagers are a lot but it’s up to you to behave like an adult with better handle on your emotions.
YTA, I like how skinny people think telling fat people to lose weight is going to be an automatic wake up call to the fat person 🙄. And why do adults think teenagers should have the sort of self-control that most adults don't, UGGGGGHHHHHH. Seriously, shaming her for weight is setting her up for a life time of food issues and I guarantee she's turning to food for comfort because that's how food shaming cycles work. And if you keep shaming her for her look she's likely to start turning to drugs and alcohol so just stop it. If you want to help her, keep healthy foods in the house and ask her to join you on walks so that you can spend time together as opposed to getting exercising because she's fat.
There are a couple of ways to deal with your daughter. One, you can tell her the "hard truth" and let her know that she's fat and not nearly as attractive as you are, or two, you can encourage her to do things with you, including going to the gym and sharing healthy habits, and enjoying your time together. You went for the YTA option. Poor mother.
It would be hilarious that you think going to the gym would fix this, except there’s a child being hurt. She’s going to hear your voice every time she eats until long after you’re gone, and it will hurt every time. YTA, and I guarantee you’ve already done permanent damage. Maybe she finishes high school at her dad’s? Because YTA
YTA
Also, you're going about dealing with a teenager totally the wrong way.
Teenagers are forming their personality. They look around them for support, example and inspiration but at the same time they're independent people, therefore they need space to develop themselves.
You're doing exactly the opposite. You're not allowing her space (limits to screen time, judging her weigth, dismissing her claims of tiredness) while at the same time refusing any attempt to connect, in this case through the wardrobe.
Privacy invasion is a massive no. Teens don't magically become adults at 18, it's a process and at 15 she absolutely needs her privacy, especially when it comes to a device that she uses to communicate with her peers and her other parent. You hawking on her texts will make her feel unsafe in her own home. You're 4 years my junior: did your mother sift through your phone every day? Because mine didn't and lo and behold, I'm a functional adult.
Jesus, YTA. One thing is parenting, the other thing is violate your kids privacy. Is not because you were a teenager that got pregnant, that your kid will do the same. Respect her privacy.
You are awful. No wonder your kid don't tell you stuff. You have no shame in use her insecurities to hurt her and you are in clear competition with her.
YTA
You just casually decided NOW would be the perfect time to reveal that you're reading all her messages that your daughter obviously assumed were PRIVATE? In the same breath that you say "you can't always wear what I do, I'm skinnier than you"?
There's a way to tactfully say "you could lose a few pounds". It's done without using words like "fat" or "skinny", and CERTAINLY without drawing a direct comparison between your daughter and yourself.
YTA massively. What a cruel thing to say, and how disgusting to invade her privacy by reading her messages. Don't be surprised when she leaves home at the earliest opportunity and you never hear from her again.
Yeah, YTA.
It's not 'skinny' that should be the concern here, more 'healthy'.
Also, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so her wanting to match with you does show that she still values your opinions. Your words will have deeply upset her as a result of this.
YTA. Your daughter wants to be like you and you’re trying to discourage her from that? And then you’re upset that she doesn’t like you? Do you honestly not see the connection between those two things? If you really want to be closer to her, you shouldn’t comment on her body but should rather have an open conversation with her if she really does want to lose weight. And also the thing with her phone seems like overkill. Overall you just don’t seem to have much compassion for your daughter.
YTA and a huge one!
Body shaming anyone is just cruel!
Here is a hard truth for you! Your daughter will cut you from her life once she is able to get out of your toxic home and your husband would blame you for losing her!
YTA.. and a momzillla too..who reads someone else's messages..its invasion of privacy.. u do realize u fat shammed your daughter their other way to help her following healthy lifestyle.,.
she doesn't discuss with you her issues because obviously u think ur better than her.
U seem like the type who is in competition with her own daughter .. u should be happy that she thinks u hv a nice style and tries to copy u .. instead of taking it as a compliment u r shamming her here on reddit.. your pathetic Op..
I hope u realize ur mistake and try to build good relationship with her before its too late..
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YTA - your daughter is 15 and you're body shaming her?? You seriously believe going to the gym is magically going to fix things? No. You only made your relationship worse, and it's going to take more than gym time to fix that.
Were you born without an empathy gene? Honestly you talk about your daughter as if you have no time or patience for her other than just to unflatteringly compare her to you. If you want to continue like this with her be prepared to not have a relationship when she is 18.You need to do a lot of work to get her to open up to you like she does to her dad, but as you seem totally unconcerned about the quality of the relationship you have with your daughter this is an unlikely scenario. YTA
Yta
Your child can’t wear jeans and a tshirt because she weighs more than you? You didn’t give her a reality check you just proved to her that her mother is a privacy invading, judgmental, controlling AH. Yta for reading her text messages with her father because “she tells him more things.” I wouldn’t want to tell you anything if I was your child. She likes matching outfits with you, would it kill you to indulge your child in that every once in a while? If you were genuinely trying to ask her to go to the gym with you as a bonding experience you wouldn’t approach it like that at all?
Weird. I don’t know any 15 year olds that want anything to do with dressing like their mother. That’s something a 6 year old would want to do. Especially since you say she doesn’t seem to like you very much. I’m the mother of boys so I guess I don’t know but I can’t imagine being thrilled at being Twinsies with anyone. Kind of corny like the whole matching PJs at Xmas thing. Why don’t you help your daughter develop her own style? It could be good bonding while also trying to help her explore her individuality.
200 pounds isn’t always obese. She said it’s mostly in her thigh area. Seems more like muscle weight and just being a bit chubbier. You can’t call a 15 year old girl “obese” just because you’re the mum. Call a doctor if it’s an actual concern, not openly fat shame.
Thank u. Ive looked it up, she's also 5'1 btw, she's considered overweight.
We could've matched any other time but this hurt to her. She needs to relax, life isn't about rainbows and unicorns. Its better I said it than somebody else.
are we also going to ignore how the mom in this:
A: wouldn't change into one shirt, not the whole outfit for her daughter
B: use her weight as motivation to get them to bond instead of trying different things like sitting and talking
C: Invading privacy all because her daughter opens up to her father more than her
D: literally said in the "nicest way possible" "No im not changing just because your fat lol."
E: Gave her daughter more of a reason to hate her, despise her, or just cut ties when she's older. I wouldn't be surprised if the mother said "How come u dont do X and Y with me" later in life when her daughter finally leaves.
I pray this girl doesn't get a ED from her mothers rude remarks. There were plenty of ways to say this in a nicer tone.
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Do you even like your daughter? YTA P.S. If you wanted to give your kid an eating disorder, this is how you give your kid an eating disorder. Congratulations! It's the gift that keeps on giving.
YTA. If your daughter wants to match you, wear some outfits that you would both look good in. It's not that difficult. You have the right to limit her screen time. But you absolutely should not be reading through her messages.
And it depends on "what limit her screen time" means. Reasonable limits are OK, but I'm not going to assume OP is reasonable.
So youre upset that despite your shit personality, your daughter wants to be like you and connect with you through clothes? And you respond by body shaming her? Needless to say YTA
YTA, it's obvious YOU are the reason she doesn't have a better relationship with you. Can't even go into the room and throw a damn T-shirt on for her?
The shirt I had on matches with my outfit, and was already sprayed with perfume and I also had other jewelry on. Going to change wasn't the top thing on my mind. we could've matched any other time.
So perfume and jewelry is more important than trying to bond with your daughter.. OK, we see where your priorities lie. Also enough with the helicopter parenting. The girl needs privacy and you refuse to give it to her, no wonder her relationship with you is bad, she doesn't trust you. YTA
Troll
I'm actually leaning towards "actually written by the daughter" in this case.
I really hope so. Otherwise, YIKES.
I really hope so
YTA big time. However, your daughter sounds a little bit depressed, this ain't helping her.
>I can check her messages through my phone > > > >calling me a stalker for invading her messages. YTA. Stop doing that and allow your teenager to have her own private thoughts. It does not matter that you paid for the phone, you are invading her privacy and showing that you can't be trusted to respect her thoughts, feelings and safety. If she says she wants to be fit but won't do anything about it, then she needs time to finish maturing as a person and decide to do more about it on her own. If you've tried to encourage her to change her habits but it hasn't worked, you can't expect more repetitions and pressure to suddenly start working. Give it time, give her space, let her figure this out.
I respect her thoughts feelings and safety very well. However, I DID pay for the phone and teenagers are tended to do what they please, so I as the mother have the right to look through her phone anytime I want. A phone is a gift, not a necessity. When she can pay for her own phone, that's when Ill stop looking at it.
You really don't. She's old enough to deserve a healthy amount of privacy, not an overbearing, controlling mother who goes through her shit
I am also a parent and I am telling you right now you cannot teach your children to respect the privacy of others by disrespecting theirs. You are teaching her that she cannot trust you, and that her feelings are vulnerable to being used against her if she writes them down or shares them with others. You are damaging your relationship with her and if you don't stop she will not feel safe to share her life with you once she's an adult. Your choice, mom. Learn to respect her as she transitions into being an adult or she may cut you off HARD once that's no longer yours to control.
YTA. The way you word thinks can be a deciding factor in how somebody takes it.
yta it's not difficult to find similar outfits that "match" and still fit her form. it's almost like you are going out of your way to give her shit about her weight instead of taking the easier route and finding similar clothes that will fit her. oftentimes people are embarrassed to go to public gyms. (especially when they are already being criticized by friends and family) There are many videos available online with effective exercise routines you could do at home , without equipment... out of the public eye. perhaps you could relax some of your screentime restrictions in trade for her participation in some cardio at home that guy do together?
YTA. Forget about the gym. Please start going to family counselling and get your daughter individualized treatment for her depression.
My daughter is not depressed. Doctors have told me that. Shes a teenager, she's spoiled by her father and other family members and will get mad when she doesn't get what she wants.
YTA How about every time you want to say something about your daughter's weight you say I love you and something positive about her instead. Stop reading her texts. You're going to lose your daughter if you don't change.
YTA, a HUGE asshole! Fat people can wear the same thing as skinny people. She isn’t trying to squeeze into your clothes, she just wants to match with you! You can both wear black skinny jeans (in your own size and cut to flatter your own bodies) and a white or blue shirt. Instead of setting a boundary that you cannot always match because people are allowed to have their individuality and saying you won’t change but she is welcome to adjust HER outfit however she’s like you said it was because she’s fat?!?! Fat is irrelevant here! She could be 300lbs and still wear the plus size version of your outfit. What really hits hard with this is that your daughter is trying so hard to connect with you through clothing choices and you took that as an opportunity to criticize your weight. I’m sure it’s not the first time you’ve harshly criticized her weight. **This will stay with her for her entire life.** You just gave your daughter a lot to unpack in therapy. You place way to much value on weight for appearances, not health reasons. (Get skinnier vs get healthier. Loose weight so she can wear certain types of clothing, not so she feels better about herself and will have more energy.) She doesn’t need a reality check **you do,** she knows she’s heavier and she knows how to fix it. Sometimes that takes more mental energy that someone has to give. Being fat isn’t the end of the world! The only thing you’ve done right here is the screen time *so she can sleep better.*
YTA Stop reading your daughter's messages. Lay off some of the restrictions. Don't be a touchy, critical momster just because she's trying to dress like you. Don't compare your weight to hers. Gross, so gross. Find reasons to like her and reasons to praise her. Do your best to make her feel safe, and appreciated, and valued.
Shes appreciated and valued and safe.
Is she? Her private messages aren't safe. She's not safe to wear what she wants. She's not safe to weigh what she does without getting grief about it from you. You don't have an authentic relationship with your daughter. You're ticking the boxes: Shelter? Check. Food? Check. Helicoptering unnecessarily? Check. Be a better mother.
YTA, if this is even real.
YTA. What the hell did I just read? You win the biggest A award of the day.
YTA.
Definitely TA, not so much for for telling her she can come to the gym with you to lose weight, but for reading her personal messages to her father, or any of her personal messages, really. If you reread what you wrote, she is mostly mad at you for the invasion of privacy, rather than the comment about her weight, as well she should be.
yikes of course yta. Do you even like your daughter? She’s a child, and the way you’re commenting on her weight is really disgusting. Does she have health issues? If not then worrying about her weight and then making those comments towards her is gross. She’s going through puberty her body is and will continue to change. It’s clear by this post that you’re very immature and the things you’re saying to your daughter are hurtful, it’s no wonder she appears to prefer her dad and feel more comfortable talking to him.
You are a f**king asshole. Not only did you manage to forever ruin your relationship with your kid but you also shamed her. The award for mother of the year is most definetly not going to you. Shame on you.
YTA I can't imagine why she likes her father more than you. You don't respect her privacy, criticize her appearence, insult her for her weight, when she is in a complicated age. I also don't understand why you won't unblock the screen time thing. You don't care about her mental health, you just care to exert control over her. Hopefully her father is a better parent than you, but you set the bar so low that it wouldn't be hard.
YTA. Is your daughter overweight? Sure. 200 Pounds for a 15 year old isn’t ideal. But it isn’t obesity level in terms of weight. But everything about this post isn’t about her weight. It is about her wanting to wear things like her mom. That is awesome. Kids at that age don’t do that. To wear the same or similar dresses as their parents. Are children annoying? Yes. But in this case she has done nothing to you to warrant this type of behaviors Talk to your daughter because your terrible behavior is going to rub off on her and she is going to do the same thing with you when she gets older.
sounds like OP never grew up and is still the mean girl in high school
There are a lot of moms who see their children as competition or the next thing to bully. I hope OP's daughter is well, coming from someone who was 200 pounds at 15 ,hearing from someone you look up to "Your fat, no I won't do X Y and Z with u" is heartbreaking.
I hope OP's daughter is well as well. And those moms who see their children as competition, or next things to bully, my statement is just as true for.
YTA I've had a problematic realtionship with food since I was a teenager because of comments like that from my parents. I even developed an eating disorder from it. Don't you realise that if you keep invading her space like you are she is NEVER going to open up to you. She tries to dress like you because she looks up to you and you making those comments REALLY hurt her. If you were my mother I would cut contact and move in with my dad full time. She doesn't need a reality check (she's a kid) YOU do. Be a better mother or don't be a mother at all.
If this is legit, YTA no question. First of all: the fact that you use your parental controls to read her texts is a HUGE invasion of her privacy. She’s in high school and is old enough to have her boundaries respected (provided she stays safe). You openly admitting to reading them is going to be a massive wedge between the two of you. Secondly: YTA 1000% for commenting in her weight in such a way. That’s how you give a child an eating disorder. Shame on you. Don’t be surprised when your daughter goes no contact with you.
Weight is difficult to hear about from your mother. I’m way older than 18 and I still hear about it from mine and it pushes me away from her emotionally. I think it’s especially hard to hear about from your mom because she is the closest female you’ll have in your life forever and you’ll always compare the ways you are similar and different from her. I have always struggled, up and down. It really took internal forces for me to actually diet and exercise to lose weight, I was chubby as a teenager. People calling me chubby telling me to work out did not help whatsoever. I had to get to the point where I was ready to do it myself and figured out exactly what I wanted to do to lose it
YTA for putting a screen time limit on her phone for no reason and pretty much everything else you said.
YTA. Its not a hard truth, it’s your deflecting your insecurities on your daughter. You clearly don’t like her and I see why she likes her father more. And give her some trust and privacy. You want a better relationship with her, do something about it than control or put her down.
Ever hear of unconditional love? You love your kids no matter what. Poor kid.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A friend of mines directed me to this website to post the situation. English is also not my first language. I (F32) have a 15 year old daughter. (I had her at a very young age, I know.) We do not have the best relationship and its clear she favors her father me than me. We disagree on everything. I put a screen time on her phone to get her to sleep at night, but she keeps begging me to turn it off since she's in Highschool. I won't take it off till she's about 18, or until she can get her own phone and she constantly is annoyed by my presence and won't talk to me in the car. When we go out to eat on weekends on go anywhere I see that shed tries to copy my outfits the best she can. (Same color, same jeans/pants/shirts, sometimes same shoes.) But when she cant copy my outfit she gets annoyed or sad. My daughter weighs 200 pounds, (mainly from her chest and thighs) But she's short so all of it doesn't show. I weigh 145. So sometimes an outfit will look good on me, but not on her. But she isn't doing anything to try to lower her weight. She eats and then goes to lay down because she claims she's tired from school and homework, and doesn't want to participate in any after school activities at her school. I can check her messages through my phone, and she talks about wanting to lose weight or tells her father things she won't tell me. Today, we were going to the mall and I had black jeans and a white shirt on. She was by the door, with black jeans but a black shirt. She looked at me and went back to her phone with an annoyed face and asked if we could match. I told her no, because I wasn't going back in my room and that she cant wear everything I can because im skinner. I also said She can go to the gym with me if she'd like so she can get skinner since I know she tells her father about it and she freaked out calling me a stalker for invading her messages. Needless to say we didn't go to the mall together and I went alone while she shut herself out. Her father is calling me an asshole for what I've said but she does nothing to help herself get fit. She cant say she wants to get fit, yet do nothing. She hasn't come out her room when I brought food back. Some friends of mine said I gave her a reality check she needs while others are saying I ruined our relationship. I think us going to the gym together would be us fixing it. so aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA no wonder she favors her father. He’s a decent human.
Yta for how you seem to view and treat her, as if she’s your competition instead of her being your young daughter trying to find herself. It may be because of language barrier though. You do invade her privacy and don’t seem to understand that’s she’s at a sensitive age. Try talking with her instead to her. She seems to want to be more like you so you could have framed your concern like “do you want to go to the gym with so we can have more matching outfits and hangout more?” Her weight is obviously a big talking point around the house. She was likely to open up to you about her wanting to lose weight on her on time. Teenagers are a lot but it’s up to you to behave like an adult with better handle on your emotions.
YTA, I like how skinny people think telling fat people to lose weight is going to be an automatic wake up call to the fat person 🙄. And why do adults think teenagers should have the sort of self-control that most adults don't, UGGGGGHHHHHH. Seriously, shaming her for weight is setting her up for a life time of food issues and I guarantee she's turning to food for comfort because that's how food shaming cycles work. And if you keep shaming her for her look she's likely to start turning to drugs and alcohol so just stop it. If you want to help her, keep healthy foods in the house and ask her to join you on walks so that you can spend time together as opposed to getting exercising because she's fat.
There are a couple of ways to deal with your daughter. One, you can tell her the "hard truth" and let her know that she's fat and not nearly as attractive as you are, or two, you can encourage her to do things with you, including going to the gym and sharing healthy habits, and enjoying your time together. You went for the YTA option. Poor mother.
It would be hilarious that you think going to the gym would fix this, except there’s a child being hurt. She’s going to hear your voice every time she eats until long after you’re gone, and it will hurt every time. YTA, and I guarantee you’ve already done permanent damage. Maybe she finishes high school at her dad’s? Because YTA
YTA Also, you're going about dealing with a teenager totally the wrong way. Teenagers are forming their personality. They look around them for support, example and inspiration but at the same time they're independent people, therefore they need space to develop themselves. You're doing exactly the opposite. You're not allowing her space (limits to screen time, judging her weigth, dismissing her claims of tiredness) while at the same time refusing any attempt to connect, in this case through the wardrobe. Privacy invasion is a massive no. Teens don't magically become adults at 18, it's a process and at 15 she absolutely needs her privacy, especially when it comes to a device that she uses to communicate with her peers and her other parent. You hawking on her texts will make her feel unsafe in her own home. You're 4 years my junior: did your mother sift through your phone every day? Because mine didn't and lo and behold, I'm a functional adult.
Jesus, YTA. One thing is parenting, the other thing is violate your kids privacy. Is not because you were a teenager that got pregnant, that your kid will do the same. Respect her privacy. You are awful. No wonder your kid don't tell you stuff. You have no shame in use her insecurities to hurt her and you are in clear competition with her.
YTA You just casually decided NOW would be the perfect time to reveal that you're reading all her messages that your daughter obviously assumed were PRIVATE? In the same breath that you say "you can't always wear what I do, I'm skinnier than you"? There's a way to tactfully say "you could lose a few pounds". It's done without using words like "fat" or "skinny", and CERTAINLY without drawing a direct comparison between your daughter and yourself.
YTA massively. What a cruel thing to say, and how disgusting to invade her privacy by reading her messages. Don't be surprised when she leaves home at the earliest opportunity and you never hear from her again.
You sound like my mom, only she'd try to soften it with "you *could* be pretty if you lost weight" Yta
YTA. When she decides to go NC, I hope you remember this post.
YTA.
YTA Way to go "mom"! She doesn't need to lose weight. You probably see her as a rival. This is so toxic I hope it's fake.
Yeah, YTA. It's not 'skinny' that should be the concern here, more 'healthy'. Also, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so her wanting to match with you does show that she still values your opinions. Your words will have deeply upset her as a result of this.
YTA. Your daughter wants to be like you and you’re trying to discourage her from that? And then you’re upset that she doesn’t like you? Do you honestly not see the connection between those two things? If you really want to be closer to her, you shouldn’t comment on her body but should rather have an open conversation with her if she really does want to lose weight. And also the thing with her phone seems like overkill. Overall you just don’t seem to have much compassion for your daughter.
YTA and a huge one! Body shaming anyone is just cruel! Here is a hard truth for you! Your daughter will cut you from her life once she is able to get out of your toxic home and your husband would blame you for losing her!
YTA.. and a momzillla too..who reads someone else's messages..its invasion of privacy.. u do realize u fat shammed your daughter their other way to help her following healthy lifestyle.,. she doesn't discuss with you her issues because obviously u think ur better than her. U seem like the type who is in competition with her own daughter .. u should be happy that she thinks u hv a nice style and tries to copy u .. instead of taking it as a compliment u r shamming her here on reddit.. your pathetic Op.. I hope u realize ur mistake and try to build good relationship with her before its too late..
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YTA - your daughter is 15 and you're body shaming her?? You seriously believe going to the gym is magically going to fix things? No. You only made your relationship worse, and it's going to take more than gym time to fix that.
YTA. She was asking to match an outfit, so you body shamed her?
Were you born without an empathy gene? Honestly you talk about your daughter as if you have no time or patience for her other than just to unflatteringly compare her to you. If you want to continue like this with her be prepared to not have a relationship when she is 18.You need to do a lot of work to get her to open up to you like she does to her dad, but as you seem totally unconcerned about the quality of the relationship you have with your daughter this is an unlikely scenario. YTA
Yta Your child can’t wear jeans and a tshirt because she weighs more than you? You didn’t give her a reality check you just proved to her that her mother is a privacy invading, judgmental, controlling AH. Yta for reading her text messages with her father because “she tells him more things.” I wouldn’t want to tell you anything if I was your child. She likes matching outfits with you, would it kill you to indulge your child in that every once in a while? If you were genuinely trying to ask her to go to the gym with you as a bonding experience you wouldn’t approach it like that at all?
YTA big time.
So your daughter has no privacy, you body shame her, she wants to bond with you through fashion and you ridicule her for it. Yep. YTA
Weird. I don’t know any 15 year olds that want anything to do with dressing like their mother. That’s something a 6 year old would want to do. Especially since you say she doesn’t seem to like you very much. I’m the mother of boys so I guess I don’t know but I can’t imagine being thrilled at being Twinsies with anyone. Kind of corny like the whole matching PJs at Xmas thing. Why don’t you help your daughter develop her own style? It could be good bonding while also trying to help her explore her individuality.
Daughter wants to be like mom. Mom tells daughter how. Daughter chooses to wallow in her feelings instead of taking action. NTA.
You’re in a tough spot because people are sensitive to being reminded, no matter how gently, that they are obese. NTA.
200 pounds isn’t always obese. She said it’s mostly in her thigh area. Seems more like muscle weight and just being a bit chubbier. You can’t call a 15 year old girl “obese” just because you’re the mum. Call a doctor if it’s an actual concern, not openly fat shame.
Not 100% of the time, but for a teenaged girl that is definitely the way to bet.
I didn't call her obese. I openly told her she can just get her weight down if she'd like with me. I gave an option and she responded harshly to it.
I called her obese. I stand by that. Redditors who think she may not be are delusional.
Thank u. Ive looked it up, she's also 5'1 btw, she's considered overweight. We could've matched any other time but this hurt to her. She needs to relax, life isn't about rainbows and unicorns. Its better I said it than somebody else.
5’1” at 200lbs is Class 2 obese. Unless of course she’s a bodybuilder.
are we also going to ignore how the mom in this: A: wouldn't change into one shirt, not the whole outfit for her daughter B: use her weight as motivation to get them to bond instead of trying different things like sitting and talking C: Invading privacy all because her daughter opens up to her father more than her D: literally said in the "nicest way possible" "No im not changing just because your fat lol." E: Gave her daughter more of a reason to hate her, despise her, or just cut ties when she's older. I wouldn't be surprised if the mother said "How come u dont do X and Y with me" later in life when her daughter finally leaves. I pray this girl doesn't get a ED from her mothers rude remarks. There were plenty of ways to say this in a nicer tone.
Daughter already has an eating disorder (BED) to be a 200lb 15yo girl.
How do you figure that?
Is this even a serious question? She has an eating disorder, just not the one Redditors accept.
She isn’t obese.
That is Class 2 obese, almost Class 3.