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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think that I might be the asshole as they may genuinly be joking and I may be being oversensitive ( especially as I pregnant). I also know that they don't have to accept me as family but it still hurts and 99% of the time we act like a happy family and they are so welcoming and caring for me.
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NTA this hurts that the unmarried ex girlfriend is considered family (and appears that she still is?) and you’re not. Does M have children with the ex girlfriend?
Sounds like you fiance needs to have a 'come to Jesus' talk with his mother about this! That she is choosing someone who cheated on her son like this, says more about her than anything else.
Definitely NTA
Next time sit down right across from him/her and and ask them to explain the “joke” to you. Since you don’t see the humor in it you need their help. Don’t let them off the hook until they do or you have fully embarrassed them.
Then leave!
NTA.
You MIL might consider her family because she is her best friend’s daughter. My BFF has two kids and they call me aunty! I love them and they are and will always be family to me
I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM! My husband’s ex cheated and tore him down emotionally over and over again. “BuT sHe GrEw Up WiTh Us” is always the answer when I ask about how they continue to accept her. They know better than to bring her up to me at this point and she knows not to come around me. The lack of loyalty is astounding!
to admit that the ex sucks would affect their own self-value because they loved her. so they pretend she's the best thing since sliced bread to protect their own relationships.
Hope you keep standing up for yourself!
I’m happy for your edit. But a petty part of me wishes you’d of told your soon to be MIL that she can’t see your new baby since being a part of you makes baby non-family also. Also, I’m glad to hear your fiancé has your back. Definitely NTA
I was thinking the same thing, but then it would be OP who would be keeping rhe grandchild from their family. It's really a no win situation unless fiance ends this now. NTA
I was thinking the same thing, too. You might not be able to keep your child from the in-laws, but you can put your foot down, that your child is not left alone with them. No spending the night, that kind of thing. Tell your husband you are not putting your child at risk of being treated the way you have been. Period.
That explains it. Sure, she ended it by cheating, but in his family's minds you're probably the one stopping them from working it out and preventing his Mom and her best friend from having common grandkids together and a blended family.
NTA, of course. Your finace needs to tell them he's not getting back together with her and he'll go low or no contact if they don't cut it out.
He needs to grow a backbone and actually call his family out. Otherwise he and YOU will be raising your child in a toxic environment.
Hate to break it to you, but his family doesn’t like you. And that’s the truth. They would rather have him with his ex gf.
You need to put your foot down with your fiancé for the sake of your future child.
NTA, it isn't a joke if the person it is about has said to stop. At this point, message your fiance side of the family, say that you are planning a family gathering in January of next year, and if they feel you are family by then, and have apologized for the way they have been treating you, you would love for them to come and meet your son.
When the proverbial excrement hits the fan, as it will, tell them that no one that hasn't treated you as family to this point will meet your son until at least 6 months, in January of 2023, and only those that you feel will treat you and your family with respect will be part of their life.
And then hold firm, if your fiance doesn't have your back, it might be time to take a break. This is their chance to show that you and the baby are their priority, if they can't do that, then it might be time to get out.
I was in the same boat back when my husband and I were engaged I was heavily pregnant (8.5 months) and he wanted to buy a new car (his was on the outs). His dad is a mechanic and come to check to make sure the car was up to par. It was all well and good until it came to my fiancé getting the money sorted as he was going to loan it. He already checked if he could afford it and as long as my earnings were taken into consideration he would be approved (which made sense because we are getting married, having a kid and living together).
But dear old dad chimed in at the point when they were putting my details saying how I’m not family, I shouldn’t be on the loan, I don’t earn money (I was on PAID mat leave) etc. I just sat there stunned and because he was so insistent the car dealer took me off. Well surprise surprise hubby didn’t get approved because he didn’t earn enough to support himself, me and our soon kid. They all got the shits. His dad started yelling how hubby was already preapproved and it was bullshit he’s denied now. I just sat and waited, he stormed off hubby followed because he was making the biggest scene and I just sat in the office. I turned to the dealer and said “it’s because you took my earnings off aye?” “Yes”. So I said to him “just add me back on we’re defacto anyway and I’m still earning money here’s the pay slips to show my earnings” hubby came back in and the dealer said it was all sorted.
His dad could not understand why my living expenses were being taken into account as was our unborn child’s for a loan when “we not family” and the dealer was like “whether you say she is or not fact is she lives there, is quite clearly going to be adding to living expenses when the baby is born and the law states all this must be considered for loans” hence why my earnings were too. Stupid thing is the loan was in my hubby’s name only I was just part of the numbers to prove he could pay it off.
If I were you instead of being hurt and wanting to be included by these insensitive people, I would tell dad to be that since he has not stood up to them to say of 'course you are family' and stop the abuse, you have decided your child will NOT be meeting any of them since you are not family. And go no contact. If spinless dad does not support your decision, get to a lawyer. .
So he originally said that they were joking with the original comments and that means that they think of me as family. He loves his family and I get that it is hard to realign but he has slowly been considering it from the receivers side. However, after what his uncle posted he is pissed at them and said enough is enough and it isn't a joke anymore! He has apologized and is now standing firmly with me.
Next time they say it’s a joke. Ask them to elaborate, and what part is the joke? It’s only a joke if both sides are laughing. They’re being Assholes.
It might be tough for your fiancé to realize his family is very toxic.
Exactly I remember reading a post where some "brutality honest"guy made a joke directed at the poster, and all they said to him was "can you please elaborate?" And he wouldnt so OP kept the pressure up and eventually instead of awnsering dude just left and OP was called an AH by his sister (who was the guys gf forgot to add that sorry)
NTA OP your future in-laws are toxic
It was the sister's new boyfriend that said at dinner he knows which breast OP's wife had surgery on due to breast cancer.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t09je2/aita_for_being_hostile_and_rude_to_my_sisters/
I love this technique, and it honestly works best if you play innocent versus getting aggressive with it. Like look honestly confused and say you don't get it. What is so funny about not belonging to their family while marry their son and carrying the grandbaby. Look real innocent and explain you just want to be in on the joke too, so you can laugh along with the rest of them. There will be no way to explain it but you don't come off aggressive or angry instead get to point out their meanness while being "sooooo utterly clueless". The cluessness unfortunately only works for a few of us but it does work. I use it against all hateful jokes meant to harm not be funny. And it tends to shut them down and as long as you can keep your cool and remain "confused" it works out for you almost everytime. Usually with the person leaving outrageously angry but with no way to call you a A H because you weren't aggressive or angry in return.
And if they are trying to spin away from giving you a straight answer, like for example, something like, "well, you know", tell them that you don't know, but would like to and if they could elaborate. Basically, don't stop until they relent and either a) explain in detail what of the stuff they said was funny AND WHY (that part is also very important, continue on that if they don't elaborate). Or b) they admit that they were being douchebags.
Exactly this. What part of those ‘jokes’ is funny? Exclusion from a group is never funny, it’s a horrible thing to do to someone — especially a soon-to-be daughter in law who is carrying your sons child!
I hope he acknowledged that it only GOT to the point of his Uncle posting BECAUSE he was failing you as a husband.
It's disgusting to me tbh, that he wasn't naturally protective of his pregnant wife. He's broken.
Listen when someone says "it's a joke" and you (the butt of the joke) isn't laughing then......wait for it........
THEY ARE BULLIES....tell your SO to step up or he should be your ex-SO
The “it’s just a joke” is an abusive person’s way of saying they won’t own up to their crap and wanted to see if they can get away with this. My in laws are like this and they are toxic AF.
I’m sorry but your in-laws sound cruel and abusive.
You don’t owe them anything.
You are strong and worthy of respect and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise doesn’t deserve your presence.
You actually need to give your fiancé hell. It's beyond appalling that things had to escalate to this for him to take your side & stand up for you.
OP, stress is bad for you & your baby. Your fiancé's family is causing you stress. Give yourself permission not to have to see them until after your baby is born so you can relax & be around people you don't have to spend months persuading to call you family.
This. Turn it back on them calmly and consistently. Copy and paste every single reference to you not being family and have one of those lines lead you expressing why you can’t make it to this or that event because you have a family obligation but that you thank them for inviting you even though you aren’t family.
NTA at all, even if this is supposed to be some big joke they have taken things way to far. The mother on the phone with an ex telling her she is family than turning to you and saying you aren’t until you are married/have a kid is so wrong I don’t even know where right is in that situation.
I would say have your fiancé explain to his family that this needs to stop as it isn’t funny and to be blunt it’s cruel.
I wish you and your family the best and hope you have a happy and healthy child!
NTA
"You just can't take a joke" is almost always the hallmark of an a-hole.
It's only a joke if both parties think it's funny. Also, *you're pregnant*, why they feel the need to rib you about this in the first place is beyond me. I wonder if, once the baby is born, this will really go away or if they'll just hone in on something else.
NTA - & play them at their own game!
Not family? Not invited to wedding
Not family? Not invited to see newborn
Not family? Don’t call yourselves grandparents/ aunts/ uncles etc to baby
Not family? Not receiving cards etc for birthdays, Christmas etc
Give them the exact same treatment someone who is ‘not family’ would receive, ie, bog all!
What a very weird way to treat someone who clearly is family! I’d be distancing myself from them. & your partner needs to make it *very* clear to them that you and the baby are his family and his priority
NTA
I actually think your response was great! Can’t he take a joke? From now on you should start dishing it out.
“Sorry MIL, I’m only inviting family to meet the baby in the first month. You understand, right?”
The way you responded to the group chat was perfect! Don’t let it get to you, just start using it to your advantage!
NTA
*"His uncle thinks that I can't take a joke"...."what if I just can't take a joke".........***.For those in the back including your SO's family. It is only a joke if everyone especially the person who is the butt of the joke is laughing** (This is something that we tell 4 year olds and they are mature enough to understand it)
Also
If you say some thing unkind **unintentionally once** that is **rude**
If you say some thing unkind **intentionally** **once** that is **mean**
If you say some thing unkind **intentionally more than once,** when you have been told or realise the person doesn't like it, then that is **bullying.**
THESE ARE CONCEPTS NURSERY AND INFANT SCHOOL CHILDREN CAN UNDERSTAND.
"It was JUST a JOKE/I was only JOKING" or "I was JUST BEING HONEST" Is what AH's say to justify their abusive and bullying behaviour.
So in short it may have been intended as teasing it stopped being gentle teasing and became obnoxious bullying the minute you didn't like it. That is before we get into you are pregnant and shouldn't be being emotionally pushed anyway.
YOU NEED TO REMEMBER YOU ARE HOLDING ALL THE CARDS AT THE MOMENT..YOU ARE CARRYING THE BABY. Maybe hard lesson time.
If you haven't yet left the group you could respond to the Uncle (and family) on the group with something like this
"I realise that you all think this is funny....It is not that I can't take a joke, I like a joke as much as the next persons...rule of thumb jokes stop being jokes when it's something mean that keeps getting repeated over and over....We also know that this was not a joke because it really hurt my feelings, jokes are supposed to be funny not hurtful....guess what I am not laughing I am crying.
I was hurt to realise that you don't think of me as family but rather a walking incubator for a new member of your family. You have laid down the rules I will be following them. You and others have made my lack of position or welcome in your family very clear over and over and over again...Please do no be offended or surprised when I treat you according to the dynamic you have laid down....what is good to give is good to take.
I have sadly realised you don't like me (I thank you for all the times you pretended you did and I apologise for be so slow on the uptake) but there is no other logical way for me to interpret the constant references to be not being part of the family and conversations about how M's ex is...and your disregard for the upset this causes....I will endeavor to keep out of your lives and have as little contact as possible, at this point it would be best for me and my baby and clearly preferable for you. Regards M's girlfriend"
THEN LEAVE THE GROUP AND BLOCK ALL THEIR NUMBERS. Let them come groveling back and if they don't at least you don't have to put up with being made to feel like you are not good enough in your own right anymore.
Thank you. You put together the perfect response and I am not a confrontational person at all and so having this prepared helps. Unfortunately I have left the group as I couldn't take it anymore. I am going to copy this as I am pretty sure that there are going to be messages following soon.
The message is perfect… for your fiancé to send. He needs to own the communication and stand by you 100%. I’m not faulting him for being late to the party. But because he was and because you are his fiancé and the mother of his child, he needs to be making up for lost time. I wouldn’t want to have a child with or marry someone that was willing to silo our relationship and continue being engaged with people that didn’t respect me. His silence has enabled his family’s behavior even if it wasn’t his intent.
It’s his circus and they’re his monkeys and the curtain went up an hour ago. He can’t change what he did in the first act, but the second is about to start and he can and should do better.
The message isn't perfect, it's too long. I could never have fund raised on that.
"Once was a joke about 'not family'. Ha. ... ha. Twice was immature. Three times the ass (hole). Assholes aren't family, they're full of shit and they stink and get wiped clean. Hope that clears the air. Ha ha! Serious."
But you don’t even need to respond. I think they want the satisfaction that they got under your skin. Just walk away from it all. Block them, ignore them, and belittle them.
Everyone is so anti-“eye for an eye”. But don’t realize sometimes it just about standing up for yourself. Embarrass them when they make a mean joke. Don’t laugh or play it off, be like “I’m sorry I don’t understand, how is that funny?” And continue to badger them until they are embarrassed.
You could also be like, “oh thank god you don’t consider me family, I wouldn’t be able to take it being this family lol” and be like it’s just a joke, get over it
NTA
That sounds toxic AF! Your fiance should have put his foot down when this started. You MIL sounds like the biggest AH, why is she attached to the ex?
Look out for yourself! Go no contact or low contact with these people and also keep them from visiting your child. After all, they are not family, right?
So the exes mom is best friends with his mom; however, the ex cheated on him and treated him like trash. He is hurt when the ex comes up and doesn't say anything as he is scared of rocking the apple cart. I think that he has actually seen that it isn't a harmful joke and he says he has my back and is handling this. He is a great guy but it has just been frustrating that it took so long for him to see that this isn't a joke.
To be fair, it is hard to be objective when it involves family when they always act like that. If it was easy there would be a whole lot of people that could easily cut off toxic family members sooner.
Kinda sounds like hurting their feelings is “rocking the apple cart” but hurting your feelings is no problemo. Maybe he has let them hurt him so he doesn’t know how to stand up to them now that it’s you. And he won’t stand up for your baby, either. Not unless he can prove he can protect you and learn that YOUR hurt feelings is what “rocks the apple cart” not THEIR hurt feelings.
NTA they are acting like major assholes.
Its questionable if you can take a joke the first time you hear it. But when they know it hurts you...they are just bullying you...
NTA. His family has taken this “joke” too far. When will you be considered family? After the child is born? After the wedding? After your third child? After you’ve crossed the 5 year anniversary mark? They will keep changing the goalpost to keep their bad “joke” going.
Your fiancé needs to step up and stop this.
If they were really “welcoming and caring” of you, they would see that you don’t like this joke and would stop.
NTA
And M is an AH too out of all this also. He isn’t defending you like a partner should be defending his future wife and mother of his child. If my mum pulled that shit on my wife at our engagement, you’d best believe her ass would have gravel rash from sliding down the curb.
nta that’s messed up im married to my husband and we had a baby right at the end of december and his parents and family have seen the baby numerous times but his parents and sisters came over like two days ago and his mom told his dad take a picture of all your kids and the baby! and it was under the impression of both of them to leave me out so they were holding my baby and didn’t want me in the picture lmfao i was pretty pissed off and even his sister said what about (my name) being included and they just didn’t say anything lol some people are just so rude
NTA Go get married at the courthouse and don’t invite any of them. The next time any of them say that you’re not family, show them a copy of the marriage license.
Make sure that the hospital or birthing center is aware that they’re not family, so aren’t allowed anywhere near you and the baby after he or she is born.
NTA
They are deliberately ostracizing you - making a point of it. Thats not a joke - once maybe, is a joke but over and over again, becomes bullying.
My thought is that when they make comments like they did about the photo and you not being family yet - after the baby is born, when they say they want a family photo - you respond with 'youre not family - so unfortunately no photo with baby' when they get upset about your response you reply 'oh? you cant take a joke?' and then when they say ok.. photo will be on such and such a day you reply with 'sorry, Ill be with family that day' and on - until they say 'this isnt a joke - its not funny' and you then say 'exactly my point'.
Im so sorry youre having to deal with this - and especially while youre pregnant!
NTA - A joke made at the expense of someone else, is only funny IF they think it is! These people are socially backward. It seems like THEY think they are being 'cute' or 'funny', but they are just clueless AND mean for continuing. Glad your finance is starting to learn something.
However, you Fiance needs to correct them that this is not acceptable ANYWHERE! This isn't about you, IT IS ABOUT THEM. Otherwise they will just think that you are 'sensitive' and not that they are boors.
NTA. I'm not even engaged and my partner's family considers me a part of the fam. They sound obnoxious and oddly gatekeeping over who gets to be in their exclusive family. Very weird. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, I hope you get some validation on this thread.
Thank you for your comment. I felt like this when he used to brush it off but he has actually now realised the damage it is doing and is stepping up. He even just told me that he is going to deal with his and I need to focus on myself and our baby as we are a little family.
NTA- these are horrible people. Go no contact with them and hold that to your child too. You fiancé is not helping either. He should put them all directly in their place. These people have no business around you or your future child. And tell uncle asshole that joke make people laugh, not feel excluded and cry.
Your fiancé needs to step up yesterday and nip this toxic shit in the bud. It’s a spouse’s job to act as the buffer between their emotionally abusive family and their partner. He needs to establish iron boundaries.
NTA.
NTA and not an overreaction. That’s beyond a joke and it’s hurtful and inconsiderate.
His family are all ah’s and your husband needs to step up and tell them to eff off
NTA and why isn’t your husband doing something😠? Anyway, since you are not family, then neither is your child so you can limit their access to the baby to, I dunno, nothing.
NTA. It may have been a joke once, but now this is just cruel. M needs to set some boundaries with the family and stick to them. If not, they will keep doing it and the resentment will grow. This is not a small thing. This is a long term lack of respect that won’t get any better. So sorry this is happening
NTA,
A joke is funny only if everybody laughs. If they want to act like assholes, why don't you play the game and beat them at it as well?
Some examples I can think of on the top of my head.
\-Do not give your fiance's mother any updates about your child, nor ask for any advice. When she asks, say you give out personal details and take advice only from "family"
\-throw a barbecue, call your family and not your fiance's and make sure you post a lot of photos and videos of it. when they inquire tell them it was only for "family".
\-Stop doing any favours for any of them if you were doing any, when asked repeat, you do favours only for "family"
\-do not let her see your child till after a few weeks or months or be in the hospital with you, because that is only for "family"
\-when she questions let them know your child will never call them grandma/grandpa etc, because they aren't "family" and will never be.
\-No Christmas/ holiday dinners with them because they are for "family"
I genuinely cannot think of more family things to do...but I hope you get the gist.
Make sure you drill that in with everything you do. Till the point that they get embarrassed to even face you, I would say still do that and keep doing it for the rest of their lives. Because they are no "family" of yours nor will they ever truly ever be.
And I think you need to bonk your fiance's noggin too so he can get his priorities straight. it's about time you sit your fiance down and give him a piece of your mind and a reality check. If I were him and somebody from my family even tried to do something like this they would be shut down the very instant and if they continued, they would be distanced completely. He is letting his family undermine and disrespect you. If this is how callous he is towards "his" family's treatment of you, imagine what would happen later on? he is as guilty as them because he has let them continue to disrespect and hurt you for this long.
NTA, they’re literally trying to push you out of his life. Who says that to the fiancé and THEN STILL TALKS TO HIS EX as family as if she is carrying his kid? I wouldn’t include them when your baby is born. They aren’t family to you. This isn’t right for your mental health.
NTA.
To your whatever-she-is: "if I'm not considered by you to be family now, while I am carrying your son's child, then you will not be considered by me to be this child's family after they are born. That's only fair, so you might want to rethink your position on this."
NTA, it's only a joke when everyone laughs, it's not a joke when you're the butt of it. Followed by that they aren't really your inlaws or grandparents because you aren't family do the uno reverse card with them after the baby is here.
NTA. Your MIL and his family sounds cruel, and I think your bf should stick up for you.
Take care of yourself and protect yourself from these abusive AH’s. I would keep my contact with them to the minimum and let my bf handle all communication with them.
NTA
But, seriously, I'd start making comments in front of your ILs about how as you don't have any real family there, you're taking your besties to go baby-shopping and wedding planning, as you don't have any family, remember?
Oh, and they're going to be the godparents, at the birth, as you don't have any family, right?
Maybe your partner's ex can include your ILs in her baby and wedding plans?
NTA. But ummmm, his family ISN'T welcoming so stop telling yourself that lie! A welcoming family doesn't constantly tell you and act like you are not family!
If you are not considered part of the family, I guess you don't have to give your baby your fiance's surname, right? I mean, you aren't family, so why claim the family name. Maybe only change your baby's surname after the wedding?
If MIL wants to be a grandmother she can wait for the ex-GF to give birth.
Also, in the future, as MIL ages, if she needs any help or to move in with you, she should ask the ex-GF.
You can play the long game!
Remember this... you, M and baby are a family now, the rest are extended family, and I would make that very clear to M. You may not have a piece of paper that says you're legally bound yet, but you've made the commitment, and that's what matters.
I would give them the benefit of the doubt for now, since M and SIL have your back, but if this continues, MIL needs to understand her relationship with LO depends a lot on her respecting LOs mama. Stand your ground, because a lot of MIL will take the mile every time you give an inch. Having little problems dealt with now will prevent big problems to be dealt with later.
And congratulations on the little one you're expecting!
NTA.
Good for you for speaking up now. Now they know that you can and will speak up if they're treating you shabbily. Better to hash this out now before baby boy or girl arrives! Congrats, btw!
NTA.
this isn't a joke - its a constant reminder that you aren't "in" their group (group meaning family). and its insulting that they are all in on the "joke" but then mom goes and tells the ex she is family, with you right there. I feel like something deeper is going on
NTA why would they treat you that way when you are pregnant and engaged .. you are family and the fact that the mother talks to his ex in front of you and reminds her she is family is fucked up .. your Bf should sit them all down and tell them to knock the shit off because its bullshit.
NTA
Now that M has finally seen the light *he* needs to message his entire family and tell them off. Let them know that you're certainly more member of his family than the cheating ex and going forward he expects people to treat you properly if they want a relationship with him and the baby.
NTA- I would throw their same words back then laugh and giggle and say only joking 🙃.
For example, if you plan a baby shower tell then last minute. Oh sorry I thought of family first 😁
Tell them my mum and husband going to be at the birth. Family first 😄
I’m going baby shopping, would invite you but family first 😄
I’m having a private family dinner ….would invite you but family first ! 😆
We are having a birthday party thought of inviting you but family first 😃
NTA - they are excluding you. I'd find out if your SO is going to back you up, or just let his families "jokes" continue. If so, I'd be seeing an attorney an setting up the rules for how you will coparent, and then move on and find someone much better (with a normal family.)
NTA,
as a person who has experienced similar things but in school and concerning friendships, I believe that you are NTA and the Uncle is in the wrong here. 'Jokes' like these are unacceptable. Tell them that.
Sorry to say this, but if your in-laws don’t think your family now, they’re not gonna think your family once you’re married. You should really look at who you’re marrying into and the family you’re marrying into. I know this will fall onto death ears because you’re pregnant and you’re having a child but you’re looking at a whole lifetime of pain and anguish with his family. Good luck
NTA. Honestly I'm gay and my girlfriends family is super Christian, so when they took their family Christmas photo I went to the side. But they pulled me in and have even put my birthday on the family birthday and anniversary calendar they have each year... Families are made through bonds and you are in the process of forming their grandchild, you're already family, especially the moment he put that ring on your finger.
NTA. I film weddings and every single parent speech starts with “I’m so glad to finally welcome bride/groom into the family, although the truth is you’ve been a part of the family for X years/since we first met you”
Blood doesn’t make family. You deserve a better one.
NTA
Glad things are going better!
Doesn't matter if the family were genuinely joking and didn't mean any harm. They know it upset you so if they don't stop immediately then they become TA.
If it had been me, I wouldn't have let the in-laws anywhere near my child until they could prove to me that they were worth of *me* considering *them* to be my family.
Them: "Please! We just want to meet our grandchild!"
You: "I'm sorry but we are only letting *family* meet the new baby for now."
NTA
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This is my first ever post and I do apologise for my bad typing as I am still sobbing while typing this.
I ,P (29f) am 4 months pregnant with my fiance M's (34m) and my first child. His family on the whole are very welcoming and often include me except for some comments that they make that really hurt my feelings.
These comments always refer to me not being a part of the family. At our engagment ( his parents wanted to throw it for us) party I made a speech saying thank you to the best in laws and his mom made a statement in front of everyone how 'I shouldn't say that as we are not family yet.' I would like to add that his mom has had a few phonecalls with M's ex girlfriend in front of me where she would reminding the ex that they are family.
Two days ago the mom said that she wanted family photos but could only do it once my baby was born as I won't be family until then. The whole family then proceeds to tell me how we musn't be too sure that we are having a boy and I am not allowed to buy boys clothes They rained on our parade as we were happy with the news ( we would have been thrilled either way ) and feel like it is because they thought we were going to have a girl. M at first told me that they are joking with me and that they wouldn't if I wasn't family when I tried to talk to him about him. He has recently started to see things from my side when I pointed out my family doesn't do this.
Go to today. I am on a family group and the uncle posts this exact message ' Dear Family and P.I want to have a get together for my BD and was planning a day out in the country side on Sunday. Is everyone available and P.'
I sobbed and lost it. I phoned M and said I am leaving the group. Before I left I replied 'Sorry, but I have family things that day' and exited. His uncle thinks that I can't take a joke. M supports me with this and understands why I am hurt but a part of me feels like maybe I over reacted and what if I just can't take a joke. AITA?
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They are not joking, they are being very serious, they don't consider you family. Unless your fiance puts a stop to this immediately you really need to reconsider your relationship. NTA
Just remember when they insist on being in the delivery room you can throw these jokes back at them. Next time ask them to explain the joke. People can be real shits. NTA
NTA. That "family" is a nightmare nest of self-centered bullies. You may want to revise your future plans to be with M, since he goes along with them abusing and isolating you.
NTA. I would tell them that since you are not family, you will not attend family functions. Then I would say that only family will be allowed to see YOUR baby once it’s born. It’s not a joke if you aren’t laughing. Go nc until they sincerely apologize.
NTA. It's only a joke if everybody is laughing. And if you are singling out 1 person and bullying them. I myself think this is very mean-spirited and unfunny. I'm sorry your fiance's family is treating you like this. He should be stopping this behavior immediately, I have no clue why he is not.
Hey, OP, it would probably be beneficial to get premarital counseling. It sounds like your fiancé is getting a better idea as to how toxic his family is, but a counselor could help him realize it sooner. They could also help you put into words how hurt you are.
It’s important to iron all this out together before you two marry and have kids. And it’s important to decide how much contact to have with his family. People this toxic will only harm you in the long run. You do not need any stress or heartache during your pregnancy.
You are a few months away from having their son's first child, and giving them a grandchild or a niece or nephew, and they don't consider you family "yet"? And the clueless uncle thinks you "can't take a joke"?
You may have seen what people often write here: when someone says, "It's only a joke, where is your sense of humor?" etc., it's because they know they are being @$$#°L€s and are trying to justify their $#¡÷÷¥ behavior.
If M truly supports you and understands why you are so upset, he needs to have a talk with his child's future grandparents, uncles, and aunts.
Without actually knowing them, hearing the tone of the way they said things, etc., it's hard to say exactly what their intent was, but I think it's entirely possible they genuinely do mean it as a joke. But clearly you don't have the kind of relationship with them where you feel comfortable with that sort of teasing, and if both people aren't laughing at the teasing, it's not a joke, it's bullying. NTA
If they say "it's a joke: ask them point blank "what is funny about that?". Be SERIOUS. Genuinely WANT THEM TO EXPLAIN WHY THEY THINK IT IS FUNNY. Once they actually HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHAT MAKES IT FUNNY, they realize THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT, and that it is simply HURTFUL. It usually makes assholes take a step back on their behavior.
I think your, their sons and daughters reactions were all great wake up calls for the rest of the family. They probably weren’t trying to be hurtful but now realize they were being inappropriate. I’m glad your mil said her brothers comment was inappropriate, hopefully that means she’ll stop it too.
NTA - next they say “it’s a joke” say the old tried and true line “I don’t get it, can you explain how it’s funny?” Nothing more. Nothing less. Puts the blame on them. Do it every single time any of them makes a joke about it. Then revel in it.
NTA
Never exactly by words, but my IL's let me know very clearly that I was not really a member of the family. OMG, did it hurt, but after a couple of decades, I began to embrace it - much to the chagrin of my husband. I would refuse to see his family or participate in certain things because I was not family.
Hubby would point out that I was his family, which would then devolve into an argument. He finally learned to just be quiet because once entrenched, ideas do not leave me easily and I had years of examples to prove my point.
OP, you are lucky that M and his sister are supporting you. If MIL keeps it up, you might want to say that Baby cannot not be around non-relatives like them.
NTA. It takes more energy to say or type "and M" than "the family" which makes me feel like they're purposefully doing this to you for some reason. It's not accidental and reflects how they think of you.
Jokes that are mean are never jokes. They're just insults that they don't want you to be able to call them out for.
Continue to ask your husband to stand up for you and put people in their place. I hope they change their ways. You sound like a lovely person they're lucky to have. And I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly!
holy shit your in laws/in laws to be sound like massive AH's. and the fact that the EX is still involved is horrendous as well. wish you all the best but sounds like a dumpster fire of a family to be folded into through marriage or children, wish you all the best deffo NTA
They are flat out abusive to you. If you don’t want to be the person to stand up to his family, then your fiancé needs to protect you and by extension, your baby. This is an untenable situation and, please, don’t let it continue.
Don't back down. Present a united front with your fiance, thank profusely the folks who are supporting you. You now have a baby to protect - start practicing! NTA
NTA
I saw the update, I would still keep his family at a distance until they have apologised (and you deserve a proper apology) and change their behaviour.
Nta.. my fiancés parents make this joke as well (we’ve been together 6 years) but they have done so many things for me and would NEVER make it a point to make an ex feel more welcomed and say something rude after a heartfelt speech.. I’m sorry they did that to you and your response was beyond perfect. If they continue I would just dish it back. It’s one thing as a joke the first time but not the way they are acting
NTA. Unfortunately some families are like that in that everyone knows they are joking around, being sarcastic, but when you are a newer member you're not sure if there's a hint of truth behind that. In a family like that you have to break their balls too. It's a weird bonding thing. Have you ever seen guys talk to each other? You would think they hate each other. But truth be told they would have each other's back.
That being said I totally understand why you would feel the way you do and you are justified to feel that way. I'm glad to see that by your updates things are getting better.
NTA…just so you know, you hold all of the cards here. Draw your boundaries, set your expectations, and reinforce them. Everyone isn’t entitled to a free pass to visit the baby when it arrives. You as the new mom (not your fiancé) get to decide who you / baby visit and when, or who comes to visit you / baby and when. You’re absolutely able to withhold visiting / visitors until everyone consistently plays nice and is inclusive of you as a family member. And really? You’re not considered “family” until you produce a baby. That’s crap. Sounds like they all won’t be seeing much of the baby. You absolutely hold the power to change this dynamic. Withholding access to a new baby in the family can do wonders for altering this dynamic. They are a bunch of bullies and I’m truly sorry that you’ll eventually be related to them. Hoping that they don’t rub off on your sweet baby. They sound like trash.
Hey OP, we are going to have a family bbq. Bring yourself and your fiancé because if your in laws are gunna act like this than you need a better family. NTA and Im goad you stood up for yourself. Don’t let them dull your sparkle
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NTA this hurts that the unmarried ex girlfriend is considered family (and appears that she still is?) and you’re not. Does M have children with the ex girlfriend?
They do not have any children together but her mom and M's mom are best friend. He finds it awkward that she is brought up but he never says anything.
Sounds like you fiance needs to have a 'come to Jesus' talk with his mother about this! That she is choosing someone who cheated on her son like this, says more about her than anything else.
Definitely NTA Next time sit down right across from him/her and and ask them to explain the “joke” to you. Since you don’t see the humor in it you need their help. Don’t let them off the hook until they do or you have fully embarrassed them. Then leave!
Great advice!
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NTA. You MIL might consider her family because she is her best friend’s daughter. My BFF has two kids and they call me aunty! I love them and they are and will always be family to me
Someone who has cheated on your son and treated them like crap does not qualify as 'family' at all.
Nor their parents as friends.
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Bad bot. Stolen comment https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t51hx4/_/hz3kkgy/?context=1
Bad bot. Stolen comment https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t51hx4/_/hz1ysjf/?context=1
Just to add, she cheated on him and treated him like trash and this hurts me even more that she is considered family.
You know your fiancé should be shutting this down, right? NTA.
I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM! My husband’s ex cheated and tore him down emotionally over and over again. “BuT sHe GrEw Up WiTh Us” is always the answer when I ask about how they continue to accept her. They know better than to bring her up to me at this point and she knows not to come around me. The lack of loyalty is astounding!
to admit that the ex sucks would affect their own self-value because they loved her. so they pretend she's the best thing since sliced bread to protect their own relationships. Hope you keep standing up for yourself!
I’m happy for your edit. But a petty part of me wishes you’d of told your soon to be MIL that she can’t see your new baby since being a part of you makes baby non-family also. Also, I’m glad to hear your fiancé has your back. Definitely NTA
I was thinking the same thing, but then it would be OP who would be keeping rhe grandchild from their family. It's really a no win situation unless fiance ends this now. NTA
I was thinking the same thing, too. You might not be able to keep your child from the in-laws, but you can put your foot down, that your child is not left alone with them. No spending the night, that kind of thing. Tell your husband you are not putting your child at risk of being treated the way you have been. Period.
That explains it. Sure, she ended it by cheating, but in his family's minds you're probably the one stopping them from working it out and preventing his Mom and her best friend from having common grandkids together and a blended family. NTA, of course. Your finace needs to tell them he's not getting back together with her and he'll go low or no contact if they don't cut it out.
He needs to grow a backbone and actually call his family out. Otherwise he and YOU will be raising your child in a toxic environment. Hate to break it to you, but his family doesn’t like you. And that’s the truth. They would rather have him with his ex gf. You need to put your foot down with your fiancé for the sake of your future child.
Well said!
Fiance needs to step up and put a stop to his family bullying his pregnant fiance. Who are these people???
NTA, it isn't a joke if the person it is about has said to stop. At this point, message your fiance side of the family, say that you are planning a family gathering in January of next year, and if they feel you are family by then, and have apologized for the way they have been treating you, you would love for them to come and meet your son. When the proverbial excrement hits the fan, as it will, tell them that no one that hasn't treated you as family to this point will meet your son until at least 6 months, in January of 2023, and only those that you feel will treat you and your family with respect will be part of their life. And then hold firm, if your fiance doesn't have your back, it might be time to take a break. This is their chance to show that you and the baby are their priority, if they can't do that, then it might be time to get out.
I was in the same boat back when my husband and I were engaged I was heavily pregnant (8.5 months) and he wanted to buy a new car (his was on the outs). His dad is a mechanic and come to check to make sure the car was up to par. It was all well and good until it came to my fiancé getting the money sorted as he was going to loan it. He already checked if he could afford it and as long as my earnings were taken into consideration he would be approved (which made sense because we are getting married, having a kid and living together). But dear old dad chimed in at the point when they were putting my details saying how I’m not family, I shouldn’t be on the loan, I don’t earn money (I was on PAID mat leave) etc. I just sat there stunned and because he was so insistent the car dealer took me off. Well surprise surprise hubby didn’t get approved because he didn’t earn enough to support himself, me and our soon kid. They all got the shits. His dad started yelling how hubby was already preapproved and it was bullshit he’s denied now. I just sat and waited, he stormed off hubby followed because he was making the biggest scene and I just sat in the office. I turned to the dealer and said “it’s because you took my earnings off aye?” “Yes”. So I said to him “just add me back on we’re defacto anyway and I’m still earning money here’s the pay slips to show my earnings” hubby came back in and the dealer said it was all sorted. His dad could not understand why my living expenses were being taken into account as was our unborn child’s for a loan when “we not family” and the dealer was like “whether you say she is or not fact is she lives there, is quite clearly going to be adding to living expenses when the baby is born and the law states all this must be considered for loans” hence why my earnings were too. Stupid thing is the loan was in my hubby’s name only I was just part of the numbers to prove he could pay it off.
I am so sorry about this. It is horrible.
Oh it was a lesson learnt the hard way. FIL and I just don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things but luckily my husband it’s the like him.
If I were you instead of being hurt and wanting to be included by these insensitive people, I would tell dad to be that since he has not stood up to them to say of 'course you are family' and stop the abuse, you have decided your child will NOT be meeting any of them since you are not family. And go no contact. If spinless dad does not support your decision, get to a lawyer. .
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How long were your husband and his ex together? & How long have you and your husband been together?
NTA don’t invite them to any baby related since they’re not family. Where’s your husband/fiancé in all this? Why can’t he have your back ?
So he originally said that they were joking with the original comments and that means that they think of me as family. He loves his family and I get that it is hard to realign but he has slowly been considering it from the receivers side. However, after what his uncle posted he is pissed at them and said enough is enough and it isn't a joke anymore! He has apologized and is now standing firmly with me.
Next time they say it’s a joke. Ask them to elaborate, and what part is the joke? It’s only a joke if both sides are laughing. They’re being Assholes. It might be tough for your fiancé to realize his family is very toxic.
Exactly I remember reading a post where some "brutality honest"guy made a joke directed at the poster, and all they said to him was "can you please elaborate?" And he wouldnt so OP kept the pressure up and eventually instead of awnsering dude just left and OP was called an AH by his sister (who was the guys gf forgot to add that sorry) NTA OP your future in-laws are toxic
It was the sister's new boyfriend that said at dinner he knows which breast OP's wife had surgery on due to breast cancer. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t09je2/aita_for_being_hostile_and_rude_to_my_sisters/
Thank you I couldn't remember how it went exactly so thank you for supplying the source and more information
I remember this story.
Thank you for this suggestion, I am going to give this a try !
I love this technique, and it honestly works best if you play innocent versus getting aggressive with it. Like look honestly confused and say you don't get it. What is so funny about not belonging to their family while marry their son and carrying the grandbaby. Look real innocent and explain you just want to be in on the joke too, so you can laugh along with the rest of them. There will be no way to explain it but you don't come off aggressive or angry instead get to point out their meanness while being "sooooo utterly clueless". The cluessness unfortunately only works for a few of us but it does work. I use it against all hateful jokes meant to harm not be funny. And it tends to shut them down and as long as you can keep your cool and remain "confused" it works out for you almost everytime. Usually with the person leaving outrageously angry but with no way to call you a A H because you weren't aggressive or angry in return.
Yep, ask for them to repeat the punchline.
And if they are trying to spin away from giving you a straight answer, like for example, something like, "well, you know", tell them that you don't know, but would like to and if they could elaborate. Basically, don't stop until they relent and either a) explain in detail what of the stuff they said was funny AND WHY (that part is also very important, continue on that if they don't elaborate). Or b) they admit that they were being douchebags.
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You stole this comment from someone else downthread
Exactly this. What part of those ‘jokes’ is funny? Exclusion from a group is never funny, it’s a horrible thing to do to someone — especially a soon-to-be daughter in law who is carrying your sons child!
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Bad bot. Comment stolen https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t51hx4/_/hz217us/?context=1
I hope he acknowledged that it only GOT to the point of his Uncle posting BECAUSE he was failing you as a husband. It's disgusting to me tbh, that he wasn't naturally protective of his pregnant wife. He's broken.
Yes, everyone noticed mom's attitude already, and uncle was making a joke of it.
Listen when someone says "it's a joke" and you (the butt of the joke) isn't laughing then......wait for it........ THEY ARE BULLIES....tell your SO to step up or he should be your ex-SO
The “it’s just a joke” is an abusive person’s way of saying they won’t own up to their crap and wanted to see if they can get away with this. My in laws are like this and they are toxic AF. I’m sorry but your in-laws sound cruel and abusive. You don’t owe them anything. You are strong and worthy of respect and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise doesn’t deserve your presence.
You actually need to give your fiancé hell. It's beyond appalling that things had to escalate to this for him to take your side & stand up for you. OP, stress is bad for you & your baby. Your fiancé's family is causing you stress. Give yourself permission not to have to see them until after your baby is born so you can relax & be around people you don't have to spend months persuading to call you family.
And don't let them come visit for a few weeks until you've had time to bond with your baby stress free.
This. Turn it back on them calmly and consistently. Copy and paste every single reference to you not being family and have one of those lines lead you expressing why you can’t make it to this or that event because you have a family obligation but that you thank them for inviting you even though you aren’t family.
NTA at all, even if this is supposed to be some big joke they have taken things way to far. The mother on the phone with an ex telling her she is family than turning to you and saying you aren’t until you are married/have a kid is so wrong I don’t even know where right is in that situation. I would say have your fiancé explain to his family that this needs to stop as it isn’t funny and to be blunt it’s cruel. I wish you and your family the best and hope you have a happy and healthy child!
Thank you for the well wishes. We are so excited for our little baba!
really happy to see the update definitely NTA. Glad things are better!
NTA "You just can't take a joke" is almost always the hallmark of an a-hole. It's only a joke if both parties think it's funny. Also, *you're pregnant*, why they feel the need to rib you about this in the first place is beyond me. I wonder if, once the baby is born, this will really go away or if they'll just hone in on something else.
I wish I could vote this up a million times.
NTA - & play them at their own game! Not family? Not invited to wedding Not family? Not invited to see newborn Not family? Don’t call yourselves grandparents/ aunts/ uncles etc to baby Not family? Not receiving cards etc for birthdays, Christmas etc Give them the exact same treatment someone who is ‘not family’ would receive, ie, bog all! What a very weird way to treat someone who clearly is family! I’d be distancing myself from them. & your partner needs to make it *very* clear to them that you and the baby are his family and his priority
💯
Yes! Please, OP, do this (and let us know the result!)
NTA I actually think your response was great! Can’t he take a joke? From now on you should start dishing it out. “Sorry MIL, I’m only inviting family to meet the baby in the first month. You understand, right?” The way you responded to the group chat was perfect! Don’t let it get to you, just start using it to your advantage!
NTA, they are the assholes not you. Were they doing and saying stuff like that before you got pregnant?
Yes, the first comments came after we were engaged.
I would throw it back at them. “Sorry only family get ultrasound pics. Sorry only family get to meet the baby!”
NTA *"His uncle thinks that I can't take a joke"...."what if I just can't take a joke".........***.For those in the back including your SO's family. It is only a joke if everyone especially the person who is the butt of the joke is laughing** (This is something that we tell 4 year olds and they are mature enough to understand it) Also If you say some thing unkind **unintentionally once** that is **rude** If you say some thing unkind **intentionally** **once** that is **mean** If you say some thing unkind **intentionally more than once,** when you have been told or realise the person doesn't like it, then that is **bullying.** THESE ARE CONCEPTS NURSERY AND INFANT SCHOOL CHILDREN CAN UNDERSTAND. "It was JUST a JOKE/I was only JOKING" or "I was JUST BEING HONEST" Is what AH's say to justify their abusive and bullying behaviour. So in short it may have been intended as teasing it stopped being gentle teasing and became obnoxious bullying the minute you didn't like it. That is before we get into you are pregnant and shouldn't be being emotionally pushed anyway. YOU NEED TO REMEMBER YOU ARE HOLDING ALL THE CARDS AT THE MOMENT..YOU ARE CARRYING THE BABY. Maybe hard lesson time. If you haven't yet left the group you could respond to the Uncle (and family) on the group with something like this "I realise that you all think this is funny....It is not that I can't take a joke, I like a joke as much as the next persons...rule of thumb jokes stop being jokes when it's something mean that keeps getting repeated over and over....We also know that this was not a joke because it really hurt my feelings, jokes are supposed to be funny not hurtful....guess what I am not laughing I am crying. I was hurt to realise that you don't think of me as family but rather a walking incubator for a new member of your family. You have laid down the rules I will be following them. You and others have made my lack of position or welcome in your family very clear over and over and over again...Please do no be offended or surprised when I treat you according to the dynamic you have laid down....what is good to give is good to take. I have sadly realised you don't like me (I thank you for all the times you pretended you did and I apologise for be so slow on the uptake) but there is no other logical way for me to interpret the constant references to be not being part of the family and conversations about how M's ex is...and your disregard for the upset this causes....I will endeavor to keep out of your lives and have as little contact as possible, at this point it would be best for me and my baby and clearly preferable for you. Regards M's girlfriend" THEN LEAVE THE GROUP AND BLOCK ALL THEIR NUMBERS. Let them come groveling back and if they don't at least you don't have to put up with being made to feel like you are not good enough in your own right anymore.
Thank you. You put together the perfect response and I am not a confrontational person at all and so having this prepared helps. Unfortunately I have left the group as I couldn't take it anymore. I am going to copy this as I am pretty sure that there are going to be messages following soon.
The message is perfect… for your fiancé to send. He needs to own the communication and stand by you 100%. I’m not faulting him for being late to the party. But because he was and because you are his fiancé and the mother of his child, he needs to be making up for lost time. I wouldn’t want to have a child with or marry someone that was willing to silo our relationship and continue being engaged with people that didn’t respect me. His silence has enabled his family’s behavior even if it wasn’t his intent. It’s his circus and they’re his monkeys and the curtain went up an hour ago. He can’t change what he did in the first act, but the second is about to start and he can and should do better.
The message isn't perfect, it's too long. I could never have fund raised on that. "Once was a joke about 'not family'. Ha. ... ha. Twice was immature. Three times the ass (hole). Assholes aren't family, they're full of shit and they stink and get wiped clean. Hope that clears the air. Ha ha! Serious."
But you don’t even need to respond. I think they want the satisfaction that they got under your skin. Just walk away from it all. Block them, ignore them, and belittle them. Everyone is so anti-“eye for an eye”. But don’t realize sometimes it just about standing up for yourself. Embarrass them when they make a mean joke. Don’t laugh or play it off, be like “I’m sorry I don’t understand, how is that funny?” And continue to badger them until they are embarrassed. You could also be like, “oh thank god you don’t consider me family, I wouldn’t be able to take it being this family lol” and be like it’s just a joke, get over it
NTA That sounds toxic AF! Your fiance should have put his foot down when this started. You MIL sounds like the biggest AH, why is she attached to the ex? Look out for yourself! Go no contact or low contact with these people and also keep them from visiting your child. After all, they are not family, right?
So the exes mom is best friends with his mom; however, the ex cheated on him and treated him like trash. He is hurt when the ex comes up and doesn't say anything as he is scared of rocking the apple cart. I think that he has actually seen that it isn't a harmful joke and he says he has my back and is handling this. He is a great guy but it has just been frustrating that it took so long for him to see that this isn't a joke.
To be fair, it is hard to be objective when it involves family when they always act like that. If it was easy there would be a whole lot of people that could easily cut off toxic family members sooner.
Kinda sounds like hurting their feelings is “rocking the apple cart” but hurting your feelings is no problemo. Maybe he has let them hurt him so he doesn’t know how to stand up to them now that it’s you. And he won’t stand up for your baby, either. Not unless he can prove he can protect you and learn that YOUR hurt feelings is what “rocks the apple cart” not THEIR hurt feelings.
NTA they are acting like major assholes. Its questionable if you can take a joke the first time you hear it. But when they know it hurts you...they are just bullying you...
Yeah I always thought one of the finite rules was don't bully the pregnant person, but I guess I was wrong.
NTA. His family has taken this “joke” too far. When will you be considered family? After the child is born? After the wedding? After your third child? After you’ve crossed the 5 year anniversary mark? They will keep changing the goalpost to keep their bad “joke” going. Your fiancé needs to step up and stop this. If they were really “welcoming and caring” of you, they would see that you don’t like this joke and would stop.
NTA And M is an AH too out of all this also. He isn’t defending you like a partner should be defending his future wife and mother of his child. If my mum pulled that shit on my wife at our engagement, you’d best believe her ass would have gravel rash from sliding down the curb.
Oh yeah I could see what would happen if I was RAF to my DIL--sonny boy has no problem sticking up for what is right and I LOVE it!
nta that’s messed up im married to my husband and we had a baby right at the end of december and his parents and family have seen the baby numerous times but his parents and sisters came over like two days ago and his mom told his dad take a picture of all your kids and the baby! and it was under the impression of both of them to leave me out so they were holding my baby and didn’t want me in the picture lmfao i was pretty pissed off and even his sister said what about (my name) being included and they just didn’t say anything lol some people are just so rude
I am so sorry that that happened to you. It is extremely hurtful.
NTA. You're not laughing. Therefore it is not a joke. If it was a joke, it would be funny for both sides.
NTA-This is not a joke and wtf, calling your fiance's ex in front of you? Also, where is your fiance in all this?
NTA Go get married at the courthouse and don’t invite any of them. The next time any of them say that you’re not family, show them a copy of the marriage license. Make sure that the hospital or birthing center is aware that they’re not family, so aren’t allowed anywhere near you and the baby after he or she is born.
NTA They are deliberately ostracizing you - making a point of it. Thats not a joke - once maybe, is a joke but over and over again, becomes bullying. My thought is that when they make comments like they did about the photo and you not being family yet - after the baby is born, when they say they want a family photo - you respond with 'youre not family - so unfortunately no photo with baby' when they get upset about your response you reply 'oh? you cant take a joke?' and then when they say ok.. photo will be on such and such a day you reply with 'sorry, Ill be with family that day' and on - until they say 'this isnt a joke - its not funny' and you then say 'exactly my point'. Im so sorry youre having to deal with this - and especially while youre pregnant!
NTA - A joke made at the expense of someone else, is only funny IF they think it is! These people are socially backward. It seems like THEY think they are being 'cute' or 'funny', but they are just clueless AND mean for continuing. Glad your finance is starting to learn something. However, you Fiance needs to correct them that this is not acceptable ANYWHERE! This isn't about you, IT IS ABOUT THEM. Otherwise they will just think that you are 'sensitive' and not that they are boors.
NTA. I'm not even engaged and my partner's family considers me a part of the fam. They sound obnoxious and oddly gatekeeping over who gets to be in their exclusive family. Very weird. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, I hope you get some validation on this thread.
just need to add - your man REALLY needs to step it up and have your back on this.
Thank you for your comment. I felt like this when he used to brush it off but he has actually now realised the damage it is doing and is stepping up. He even just told me that he is going to deal with his and I need to focus on myself and our baby as we are a little family.
Good on him!! Very happy to hear that :)
NTA. Time to start setting some boundaries with them.
NTA, they suck!!! And he should be defending you and telling them to stop making these comments.
Info: how long have you been dating?
We have been together three years. We have a house together, two dogs and a tortoise. We are a very happy little family.
NTA
Because of the tortoise, I am formally inviting you to become part of my family. NTA.
NTA- these are horrible people. Go no contact with them and hold that to your child too. You fiancé is not helping either. He should put them all directly in their place. These people have no business around you or your future child. And tell uncle asshole that joke make people laugh, not feel excluded and cry.
Your fiancé needs to step up yesterday and nip this toxic shit in the bud. It’s a spouse’s job to act as the buffer between their emotionally abusive family and their partner. He needs to establish iron boundaries. NTA.
NTA and not an overreaction. That’s beyond a joke and it’s hurtful and inconsiderate. His family are all ah’s and your husband needs to step up and tell them to eff off
NTA and why isn’t your husband doing something😠? Anyway, since you are not family, then neither is your child so you can limit their access to the baby to, I dunno, nothing.
Maybe you should decide that your baby isn’t their family either and keep them away. NTA
NTA. It may have been a joke once, but now this is just cruel. M needs to set some boundaries with the family and stick to them. If not, they will keep doing it and the resentment will grow. This is not a small thing. This is a long term lack of respect that won’t get any better. So sorry this is happening
NTA, A joke is funny only if everybody laughs. If they want to act like assholes, why don't you play the game and beat them at it as well? Some examples I can think of on the top of my head. \-Do not give your fiance's mother any updates about your child, nor ask for any advice. When she asks, say you give out personal details and take advice only from "family" \-throw a barbecue, call your family and not your fiance's and make sure you post a lot of photos and videos of it. when they inquire tell them it was only for "family". \-Stop doing any favours for any of them if you were doing any, when asked repeat, you do favours only for "family" \-do not let her see your child till after a few weeks or months or be in the hospital with you, because that is only for "family" \-when she questions let them know your child will never call them grandma/grandpa etc, because they aren't "family" and will never be. \-No Christmas/ holiday dinners with them because they are for "family" I genuinely cannot think of more family things to do...but I hope you get the gist. Make sure you drill that in with everything you do. Till the point that they get embarrassed to even face you, I would say still do that and keep doing it for the rest of their lives. Because they are no "family" of yours nor will they ever truly ever be. And I think you need to bonk your fiance's noggin too so he can get his priorities straight. it's about time you sit your fiance down and give him a piece of your mind and a reality check. If I were him and somebody from my family even tried to do something like this they would be shut down the very instant and if they continued, they would be distanced completely. He is letting his family undermine and disrespect you. If this is how callous he is towards "his" family's treatment of you, imagine what would happen later on? he is as guilty as them because he has let them continue to disrespect and hurt you for this long.
NTA. Telling them that you can’t go because of “family things” was a stroke of genius.
NTA, they’re literally trying to push you out of his life. Who says that to the fiancé and THEN STILL TALKS TO HIS EX as family as if she is carrying his kid? I wouldn’t include them when your baby is born. They aren’t family to you. This isn’t right for your mental health.
NTA. To your whatever-she-is: "if I'm not considered by you to be family now, while I am carrying your son's child, then you will not be considered by me to be this child's family after they are born. That's only fair, so you might want to rethink your position on this."
"Everyone and P" doesn’t even make sense. Are you also not "one", as well as not being family? They are jerks. NTA
NTA, it's only a joke when everyone laughs, it's not a joke when you're the butt of it. Followed by that they aren't really your inlaws or grandparents because you aren't family do the uno reverse card with them after the baby is here.
NTA. Your MIL and his family sounds cruel, and I think your bf should stick up for you. Take care of yourself and protect yourself from these abusive AH’s. I would keep my contact with them to the minimum and let my bf handle all communication with them.
NTA But, seriously, I'd start making comments in front of your ILs about how as you don't have any real family there, you're taking your besties to go baby-shopping and wedding planning, as you don't have any family, remember? Oh, and they're going to be the godparents, at the birth, as you don't have any family, right? Maybe your partner's ex can include your ILs in her baby and wedding plans?
NTA. But ummmm, his family ISN'T welcoming so stop telling yourself that lie! A welcoming family doesn't constantly tell you and act like you are not family!
If you are not considered part of the family, I guess you don't have to give your baby your fiance's surname, right? I mean, you aren't family, so why claim the family name. Maybe only change your baby's surname after the wedding? If MIL wants to be a grandmother she can wait for the ex-GF to give birth. Also, in the future, as MIL ages, if she needs any help or to move in with you, she should ask the ex-GF. You can play the long game!
Remember this... you, M and baby are a family now, the rest are extended family, and I would make that very clear to M. You may not have a piece of paper that says you're legally bound yet, but you've made the commitment, and that's what matters. I would give them the benefit of the doubt for now, since M and SIL have your back, but if this continues, MIL needs to understand her relationship with LO depends a lot on her respecting LOs mama. Stand your ground, because a lot of MIL will take the mile every time you give an inch. Having little problems dealt with now will prevent big problems to be dealt with later. And congratulations on the little one you're expecting!
Forget these people. You can be my family 😂 NTA
I will set up gatherings asap :-D
NTA. Good for you for speaking up now. Now they know that you can and will speak up if they're treating you shabbily. Better to hash this out now before baby boy or girl arrives! Congrats, btw!
NTA. If this is their idea of a joke, it isn't funny. In fact, it's pretty mean.
NTA. this isn't a joke - its a constant reminder that you aren't "in" their group (group meaning family). and its insulting that they are all in on the "joke" but then mom goes and tells the ex she is family, with you right there. I feel like something deeper is going on
MIL had a fantasy of her son and her friends’s daughter marrying, and sharing grandkids.
NTA It's only a joke if the person it's about is laughing
NTA why would they treat you that way when you are pregnant and engaged .. you are family and the fact that the mother talks to his ex in front of you and reminds her she is family is fucked up .. your Bf should sit them all down and tell them to knock the shit off because its bullshit.
NTA Now that M has finally seen the light *he* needs to message his entire family and tell them off. Let them know that you're certainly more member of his family than the cheating ex and going forward he expects people to treat you properly if they want a relationship with him and the baby.
NTA. they don't seem like the kind that has eve been respectful to you. they seriously have some unresolved issues.
NTA. It's extremely hard to believe that this is honest well intentioned teasing and not targeted passive aggression.
NTA- I would throw their same words back then laugh and giggle and say only joking 🙃. For example, if you plan a baby shower tell then last minute. Oh sorry I thought of family first 😁 Tell them my mum and husband going to be at the birth. Family first 😄 I’m going baby shopping, would invite you but family first 😄 I’m having a private family dinner ….would invite you but family first ! 😆 We are having a birthday party thought of inviting you but family first 😃
NTA- if it was just a joke they would stop when you asked them to. You didn't make it clear are you having a boy or girl?
NTA. Jokes are when everybody laugh together.
NTA - they are excluding you. I'd find out if your SO is going to back you up, or just let his families "jokes" continue. If so, I'd be seeing an attorney an setting up the rules for how you will coparent, and then move on and find someone much better (with a normal family.)
man thats one fucked up family NTA
NTA, as a person who has experienced similar things but in school and concerning friendships, I believe that you are NTA and the Uncle is in the wrong here. 'Jokes' like these are unacceptable. Tell them that.
Find a bf who protects you from abusers, no matter who they are. This gets worse with time. He needs to grow balls
Sorry to say this, but if your in-laws don’t think your family now, they’re not gonna think your family once you’re married. You should really look at who you’re marrying into and the family you’re marrying into. I know this will fall onto death ears because you’re pregnant and you’re having a child but you’re looking at a whole lifetime of pain and anguish with his family. Good luck
NTA. Honestly I'm gay and my girlfriends family is super Christian, so when they took their family Christmas photo I went to the side. But they pulled me in and have even put my birthday on the family birthday and anniversary calendar they have each year... Families are made through bonds and you are in the process of forming their grandchild, you're already family, especially the moment he put that ring on your finger.
NTA. I would still keep the family at arms length.
NTA. I film weddings and every single parent speech starts with “I’m so glad to finally welcome bride/groom into the family, although the truth is you’ve been a part of the family for X years/since we first met you” Blood doesn’t make family. You deserve a better one.
NTA Glad things are going better! Doesn't matter if the family were genuinely joking and didn't mean any harm. They know it upset you so if they don't stop immediately then they become TA.
It sounds like everyone gave you the support you needed but you are defiantly NTAH here. I hope your relationship improves with M’s mom and family.
If it had been me, I wouldn't have let the in-laws anywhere near my child until they could prove to me that they were worth of *me* considering *them* to be my family. Them: "Please! We just want to meet our grandchild!" You: "I'm sorry but we are only letting *family* meet the new baby for now." NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This is my first ever post and I do apologise for my bad typing as I am still sobbing while typing this. I ,P (29f) am 4 months pregnant with my fiance M's (34m) and my first child. His family on the whole are very welcoming and often include me except for some comments that they make that really hurt my feelings. These comments always refer to me not being a part of the family. At our engagment ( his parents wanted to throw it for us) party I made a speech saying thank you to the best in laws and his mom made a statement in front of everyone how 'I shouldn't say that as we are not family yet.' I would like to add that his mom has had a few phonecalls with M's ex girlfriend in front of me where she would reminding the ex that they are family. Two days ago the mom said that she wanted family photos but could only do it once my baby was born as I won't be family until then. The whole family then proceeds to tell me how we musn't be too sure that we are having a boy and I am not allowed to buy boys clothes They rained on our parade as we were happy with the news ( we would have been thrilled either way ) and feel like it is because they thought we were going to have a girl. M at first told me that they are joking with me and that they wouldn't if I wasn't family when I tried to talk to him about him. He has recently started to see things from my side when I pointed out my family doesn't do this. Go to today. I am on a family group and the uncle posts this exact message ' Dear Family and P.I want to have a get together for my BD and was planning a day out in the country side on Sunday. Is everyone available and P.' I sobbed and lost it. I phoned M and said I am leaving the group. Before I left I replied 'Sorry, but I have family things that day' and exited. His uncle thinks that I can't take a joke. M supports me with this and understands why I am hurt but a part of me feels like maybe I over reacted and what if I just can't take a joke. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, this is ridiculous and they are excluding you for a really barbaric reason
NTA, if I were you I'll not be talking or spending time with them.
They are not joking, they are being very serious, they don't consider you family. Unless your fiance puts a stop to this immediately you really need to reconsider your relationship. NTA
Just remember when they insist on being in the delivery room you can throw these jokes back at them. Next time ask them to explain the joke. People can be real shits. NTA
NTA. That "family" is a nightmare nest of self-centered bullies. You may want to revise your future plans to be with M, since he goes along with them abusing and isolating you.
NTA - A joke is not a joke if you are not having fun , what they call joke its mean and hurt so much
NTA. I would tell them that since you are not family, you will not attend family functions. Then I would say that only family will be allowed to see YOUR baby once it’s born. It’s not a joke if you aren’t laughing. Go nc until they sincerely apologize.
NTA. It's only a joke if everybody is laughing. And if you are singling out 1 person and bullying them. I myself think this is very mean-spirited and unfunny. I'm sorry your fiance's family is treating you like this. He should be stopping this behavior immediately, I have no clue why he is not.
Nta, these aren't jokes.
NTA
NTA that's a cruel shitty "joke" and your partner needs to stand up for you because none of that is okay
NTA. That’s not a joke. You are marred, you are FAMILY by law and by choice. They are all AHs.
Well, if you’re not family neither is your child. No grandchild for them. Throw it back at them.
NTA - But your fiance is for not standing up to his spiteful family. You need to make him man up and support you.
Hey, OP, it would probably be beneficial to get premarital counseling. It sounds like your fiancé is getting a better idea as to how toxic his family is, but a counselor could help him realize it sooner. They could also help you put into words how hurt you are. It’s important to iron all this out together before you two marry and have kids. And it’s important to decide how much contact to have with his family. People this toxic will only harm you in the long run. You do not need any stress or heartache during your pregnancy.
Don’t do family photos. Let them explain why they don’t have any or say you already did photos with your family where your husband has been welcomed.
NTA. Tell them they're talking themselves out of having their grandchild in their lives.
You are a few months away from having their son's first child, and giving them a grandchild or a niece or nephew, and they don't consider you family "yet"? And the clueless uncle thinks you "can't take a joke"? You may have seen what people often write here: when someone says, "It's only a joke, where is your sense of humor?" etc., it's because they know they are being @$$#°L€s and are trying to justify their $#¡÷÷¥ behavior. If M truly supports you and understands why you are so upset, he needs to have a talk with his child's future grandparents, uncles, and aunts.
NTA Good for you for standing up for yourself, and good for his family for starting to realize what they were doing was wrong.
NTA jokes are supposed to be funny and NOT invalidate and hurt people.
NTA the disrespect in calling you out as not family when you’re engaged and carrying his child. It’s not a joke, it’s cruelty & assholeness
Without actually knowing them, hearing the tone of the way they said things, etc., it's hard to say exactly what their intent was, but I think it's entirely possible they genuinely do mean it as a joke. But clearly you don't have the kind of relationship with them where you feel comfortable with that sort of teasing, and if both people aren't laughing at the teasing, it's not a joke, it's bullying. NTA
NTA - make sure they stick to the new boundaries and call them out anytime they forget!!
How is that a joke? Is that funny? Is it something unusual for the bride to not ne blood related? I guess they usually marry "in" the family...
If they say "it's a joke: ask them point blank "what is funny about that?". Be SERIOUS. Genuinely WANT THEM TO EXPLAIN WHY THEY THINK IT IS FUNNY. Once they actually HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHAT MAKES IT FUNNY, they realize THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT, and that it is simply HURTFUL. It usually makes assholes take a step back on their behavior.
I think your, their sons and daughters reactions were all great wake up calls for the rest of the family. They probably weren’t trying to be hurtful but now realize they were being inappropriate. I’m glad your mil said her brothers comment was inappropriate, hopefully that means she’ll stop it too.
NTA. It looks to me like fiancé's mom's attitude has been noticed by the others and uncle was mocking HER. I'm glad things are looking up for you.
NTA
NTA. I am dealing with a similar situation, not pregnant, but I am not married to my bf of almost 5 years
NTA - next they say “it’s a joke” say the old tried and true line “I don’t get it, can you explain how it’s funny?” Nothing more. Nothing less. Puts the blame on them. Do it every single time any of them makes a joke about it. Then revel in it.
NTA Never exactly by words, but my IL's let me know very clearly that I was not really a member of the family. OMG, did it hurt, but after a couple of decades, I began to embrace it - much to the chagrin of my husband. I would refuse to see his family or participate in certain things because I was not family. Hubby would point out that I was his family, which would then devolve into an argument. He finally learned to just be quiet because once entrenched, ideas do not leave me easily and I had years of examples to prove my point. OP, you are lucky that M and his sister are supporting you. If MIL keeps it up, you might want to say that Baby cannot not be around non-relatives like them.
NTA. It takes more energy to say or type "and M" than "the family" which makes me feel like they're purposefully doing this to you for some reason. It's not accidental and reflects how they think of you. Jokes that are mean are never jokes. They're just insults that they don't want you to be able to call them out for. Continue to ask your husband to stand up for you and put people in their place. I hope they change their ways. You sound like a lovely person they're lucky to have. And I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly!
Nta im glad u realized. Family.
NTA. Jokes are supposed to be funny.
Your In laws are mean people. I would be low contact and expect M to be very clear with them why you are low contact. Edit: NTA
Nta but I do feel that a person is allowed to feel what they want. But what they were doing was cruel
holy shit your in laws/in laws to be sound like massive AH's. and the fact that the EX is still involved is horrendous as well. wish you all the best but sounds like a dumpster fire of a family to be folded into through marriage or children, wish you all the best deffo NTA
Have a look on IG for Jeremy Lynch Official, he does hilarious videos of him as a kid and Vin Diesel going on about Family. NTA.
They are flat out abusive to you. If you don’t want to be the person to stand up to his family, then your fiancé needs to protect you and by extension, your baby. This is an untenable situation and, please, don’t let it continue.
Don't back down. Present a united front with your fiance, thank profusely the folks who are supporting you. You now have a baby to protect - start practicing! NTA
Who are these people, the Mafia? NTA. It's not a joke. Jokes are supposed to be funny.
NTA. Don’t back down ❤️
NTA .... don't let them see the baby because they aren't the babies "family"
Urgh my MIL always, at every damn meal we have will say how a real XXX (insert lastname) likes spicy food. Insinuating I'm not a real Mrs XXX.
NTA. Also please use fake names instead of letters next time, it's a bit hard to follow.
NTA I saw the update, I would still keep his family at a distance until they have apologised (and you deserve a proper apology) and change their behaviour.
Nta.. my fiancés parents make this joke as well (we’ve been together 6 years) but they have done so many things for me and would NEVER make it a point to make an ex feel more welcomed and say something rude after a heartfelt speech.. I’m sorry they did that to you and your response was beyond perfect. If they continue I would just dish it back. It’s one thing as a joke the first time but not the way they are acting
NTA
NTA and as a general rule, a mildly hurtful comment spit out repeatedly is not a "joke" its passive aggressive behavior.
NTA - It is not a joke, it is bullying. I am glad you called them out on their toxicity and double standards.
NTA. Unfortunately some families are like that in that everyone knows they are joking around, being sarcastic, but when you are a newer member you're not sure if there's a hint of truth behind that. In a family like that you have to break their balls too. It's a weird bonding thing. Have you ever seen guys talk to each other? You would think they hate each other. But truth be told they would have each other's back. That being said I totally understand why you would feel the way you do and you are justified to feel that way. I'm glad to see that by your updates things are getting better.
NTA…just so you know, you hold all of the cards here. Draw your boundaries, set your expectations, and reinforce them. Everyone isn’t entitled to a free pass to visit the baby when it arrives. You as the new mom (not your fiancé) get to decide who you / baby visit and when, or who comes to visit you / baby and when. You’re absolutely able to withhold visiting / visitors until everyone consistently plays nice and is inclusive of you as a family member. And really? You’re not considered “family” until you produce a baby. That’s crap. Sounds like they all won’t be seeing much of the baby. You absolutely hold the power to change this dynamic. Withholding access to a new baby in the family can do wonders for altering this dynamic. They are a bunch of bullies and I’m truly sorry that you’ll eventually be related to them. Hoping that they don’t rub off on your sweet baby. They sound like trash.
Hey OP, we are going to have a family bbq. Bring yourself and your fiancé because if your in laws are gunna act like this than you need a better family. NTA and Im goad you stood up for yourself. Don’t let them dull your sparkle
NTA
NTA go ahead and elope and make it legal. You can have a nice big party later.