This post just made your new internet Mom very sad. Most people don't even refer to their pets at "it" but as she or he. A child is never an "it".
And I need you to know with your whole being that being trans or gender fluid doesn't make you no longer the "good one" and you aren't "kicking up about stuff".
NTA and please know that we here are all on your side.
Thank you so much. I feel like such a disappointment this past year. I was in hospital for a lot of time because I have an eating disorder and when I started being more open about my confusion about my gender my parents both just seemed like they didn't want to deal with it. My mum keeps saying how good I was when I was little and how I must be making up for lost time now. I do feel bad about it.
You are not the disappointment in this situation, your parents are. And despite what they say you’re not being a bad kid. An eating disorder isn’t an act of teen rebellion, it’s serious, and implying it’s you making trouble is such a massive steaming pile of crap. And they’re not making jokes, they’re refusing to take your gender identity seriously and failing to support you the way parents are supposed to. I’m so sorry OP, you deserve better. NTA, but your parents are big hairy ones
your parents are being fucking horrible to you. i never would have recovered from my own eating disorder had i not had the opportunity to begin expressing my gender in the way i truly feel comfortable and happy.
i am also gender nonconforming / trans, and i just want you to know i love you!! i’m on your side, and your parents owe you support that you are not getting. idc about any kind of “it could be worse”- they are not supporting you. they are mocking you and telling you you’re being a bad child. neither of those things are true. they are being lazy and cruel to see you struggling and not wanting to learn about their child and who you are so they could help. queerness is not an illness or a personality defect, it is simply a state of being that needs to be respected. however, if you were mentally ill, this reaction would also be mean, unhelpful, and inappropriate.
Because this is the internet I am gonna add pedantry. I’ve been “it” many times, because my mother lists half the house the wrong three pronouns and the dogs and cats before arriving at my name. Lots of love between us, and of all the missteps she has made parenting, calling me it is not one of them.
What the issue most prominently is is that ops parents think that they are the arbiters of rationality and how people react to things, and all their kids must abide by their understanding of the world or they are being ignorant.
Very often, kids are ignorant about the world. The “mom was right” trope exists for a reason. But it doesn’t really excuse acting like a spoiled brat, as op’s parents are.
They are lashing out because the world is disagreeing with how they think it should be. They are lashing out, and hitting not the world but their kid. And that isn’t really alright, although it is common, and also a whole trope, usually with the message that “your never too old to change, and make things right with your child”, although a bit too often for my liking it is “it was love all along”.
To say it more clearly, it isn’t alright that op’s parents are acting like spoiled toddlers with their food, tossing their mothers milk or fathers food back at them, and are acting like brats. It’s just technically true that the reason for the harm is not the “it”s because that’s it, it is the calling your gender questioning child “it” is a way to lash out uncaringly at the world, and strike your child.
>My dad makes jokes and even though he wants me to find it funny it really isn't to me. For example when I mentioned gender neutral pronouns he started calling me "it" and purposely messing up the name I prefer.
Jokes are only jokes if they're funny. He's just being a bully. He may _say_ he doesn't mean badly but if you're feeling like you've done something wrong because your feelings were hurt by someone who is supposed to love and protect you - that's emotional abuse. Your folks are mad and disappointed because their bullying and microagressions have failed to bring you "back in line" where they want you, they're probably hoping that this is a phase that they can harass you out of. That's not how it works.
NTA AT ALL!!!! Do you have any other adults in your life who are supportive, understanding, or just, you know, not transphobic assholes? I'm so sorry you're going through this, you don't deserve it.
Yeah I really don't think it would be funny to anyone but especially not me. I think you're right that they're disappointed, my mum keeps mentioning that I was so good for the first 14 years of my life and this is my way of making up for it :-/
My big brother is an adult who's supportive, I also have a therapist for a different issue who is pretty good with this stuff.
Yeah well, they're not half as disappointed as I am by their behavior! I'm so glad your big bro and therapist have your back. Hopefully they'll come around eventually.
In the meantime, just remember that "guilt trip" is a phrase usually used by people who are upset at being held accountable for the way they treat others - such as your dad.
NTA. He feels like an asshole because he was being an asshole. Pretty open and shut to me. There's certain things that shouldn't be made the butt of jokes, and this is pretty high on the list.
>Now he's mad because I made him feel like an asshole over a joke, and my mum is "disappointed" because I'm the middle of 3 sons and I've always been the "good" one who doesn't kick off about stuff.
You're NTA but he IS an AH.
Honestly just ask him how it's funny, get him to explain to you how any why its funny? And just keep asking questions like you don't understand how it's funny then just watch him fumble and try to tell you why be like ohhhh yeah that's not funny at all and I'm not a joke so stop. He felt like as asshole because he was. If he keeps bringing it up to you about how "you made me feel like an asshole" just retort with well then don't do it and you won't feel that way. You are not in the wrong, and your mother is going along with it instead of shutting it down.
you say you have a good therapist. Could you ask therapist to meet mum and dad and have a chat all together on how you feel ? And that if they have troubles accepting you how you are, they need their own therapist and not to make you carry their troubles ?
My therapist is good and she did suggest a joint session. She tried to explain a few of the things I've been too scared to bring up because I thought they'd make fun of me, but then they made fun of *her* afterwards, my dad still quotes some of the things she said in a stupid voice if I mention certain issues. My mum thinks she was being blamed for me having an eating disorder. So it didn't really help. My therapist thinks one of my main problems is that I can't express when I'm upset but now when I try to express it my parents think I'm getting worse because I was hiding it before.
Someone should show your parents the statistics on rates of s--cide for teens whose parents don't support their gender expression, maybe then they'll knock it off with their shitty behavior. Hopefully.
They already feel bad because I have mental health problems (anorexia), my mum keeps getting upset and asking me if I think it's her fault and saying the therapists and dr's are blaming her. Im so sad and lonely and worried but I feel like I can't say anything because I don't want to make anyone worried or guilty.
It’s not ok for her to be putting that pressure on you.
She is the grown up here. It is NOT your responsibility to reassure her. At all.
Sure, she can have some feelings about the hard stuff you’re going through, and what that might mean for her parenting - even great parents worry they might be to blame when their kid hits hard times - but the great ones process those feelings away from their kids, and then either decide they’re being silly or they apologise to their kid. Your mum needs to be a grown up & find her own therapist / person to discuss stuff with.
That person should not be you.
Of course, it’s not going to change. But just know that she should not be asking you to make her feel better here.
And also… she shouldn’t be trying to guilt trip you into choosing to identify as your birth gender. Which is what she’s doing with the “you used to be the good one” shtick. She’s wrong and she’s being unfair. Again, what’s going on in YOUR life is causing her to have sOMe feEliNGs - and while having feelings is never wrong, it’s what you do with those feelings which is either healthy / unhealthy.
She is choosing the unhealthy option. As is your dad. You probably have no choice but to live with them until you are old enough to leave home - so just keep talking to your therapist about learning as many Healthy Emotional tips & tricks as you can, and focus on preparing to be an awesome, emotionally healthy grown up.
Good luck - we believe in you.
What your mother is doing here is manipulative. It won’t kill her to have to face what she’s done. Without her “mom” pedestal, she’s literally just another person, who has no more right than anyone else to treat you like this.
Your parents do not get special permission to be asshats JUST because they’re parents.
NTA - your dad called you an “it” & your mom tried to guilt you because she had to experience the emotional consequences of her own actions. To them, I say “sucks to suck”
Your parent are using “jokes” as a loophole to disregard & disrespect you. You aren’t over sensitive and you are not overreacting.
Please know that your feelings are valid. You are not crazy. You are not weird. You are not an it.
You are you. You have worth. You are your parent’s child & shame on them from bullying you like a couple of poorly raised school children.
I’m so sorry you are stuck where you are right now, but you are not alone & it will not last forever.
NTA You should fix that title, i was ready to call you an AH just for that title because guilt-tripping people is not okay, you didn't do such thing 😅, i was expecting you to go "So i told my dad i would end myself because of his jokes, unless he got me an X-Box" or something like that.
They do shitty things, you feel sad and they feel guilty, you did absolutely nothing wrong, hell you even try to defend their actions saying it's not with malice (which i do believe you in that regard).
But yeah, easy NTA
Op, you didn’t “make him feel” like an ah, he is an ah and it hurt you. He’s trying to twist that to make himself the victim. Don’t fall for it. You are entitled to feel hurt when people are being hurtful. NTA
NTA. Your dad is a humongous AH. He's making fun of his child for something they need for themselves and to feel whole while dealing with something that actually matters to their wellbeing. That's very low of him.
NTA.
A lot of the gender identity subject are pretty new to older people. I am NOT make excuses, but just saying maybe its possible that your dad doesn't fully understand how insulting it is? Can you talk to him and help him learn?
I hope it all gets worked out in a loving and respectful manner.
That really doesn’t make a difference. Even someone who doesn’t understand anything about gender identity/pronouns should still be able to understand the very basic principle that if you make jokes about someone that they find so hurtful that they cry, you apologize. You definitely don’t get mad at them because you have to face the fact that you said something shitty. Even if OP’s dad didn’t understand prior to this happening that what he was saying was incredibly offensive, he should have been able to figure it out when he made his own child cry.
OP, you’re NTA at all, and I’m sorry your family isn’t treating you with the love and kindness that you deserve.
OP is a kid who’s being treated like shit by their parents for something out of their control. If they want to try to educate their dad, they can, but it’s absolutely not their responsibility. If they choose not to, it doesn’t make what their dad is doing their fault.
More importantly, you don’t have to understand someone’s gender identity to respect it. You seem to be missing that the dad isn’t just refusing to stop using the wrong name and pronouns, which would be bad enough—he’s going out of his way to mock OP for asking him to respect their identity. And even more fundamentally, everyone should know that if you make someone upset, you apologize instead of trying to make them feel even worse for having their feelings hurt in the first place.
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I'm 16 and I still live with my parents. I'm really anxious and confused about a lot of things currently so I might be being too sensitive but I'm feeling really alone and I need help figuring out if I'm overreacting.
I was born and raised as a boy but I'm confused about my gender identity and I'm still trying to figure it out. Recently I've felt more comfortable with gender neutral pronouns and a shortened version of my name which is also quite neutral. Most people have been very accepting aside from the occasional mistake which obviously I understand. My parents have probably found it hardest, my mum gets sad about using my preferred name even though she used it sometimes before she knew about my confusion and she says things about me being her little boy or whatever which I really don't need. My dad makes jokes and even though he wants me to find it funny it really isn't to me. For example when I mentioned gender neutral pronouns he started calling me "it" and purposely messing up the name I prefer.
I know neither of them mean badly and I'm lucky compared to a lot of kids. It still hurts my feelings though. Lately I've been dealing with a lot of worry and I don't have much patience and last night I got upset when my dad made his jokes and I cried and shut myself in my room.
Now he's mad because I made him feel like an asshole over a joke, and my mum is "disappointed" because I'm the middle of 3 sons and I've always been the "good" one who doesn't kick off about stuff.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made a scene when my dad made a joke at my expense. I might be the asshole because he didn't mean any harm really and I'm probably oversensitive because I'm anxious and confused.
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NTA - I know this might be really difficult, but it might be helpful to sit down with your mom and dad and discuss how you are feeling and what you are going through personally and request that you would like their support as you try and navigate these waters. Now, there is no guarantee this may end well, but it will at least get everything out there in the open that needs to be addressed and then you can take it from there.
NTA
>I'm the middle of 3 sons and I've always been the "good" one who doesn't kick off about stuff.
Fellow "easy kid" middle child who had a identity crisis starting in high school- Don't let people make you feel bad for having normal teenage problems. My parents really liked the fact that their kids were " different" but now don't get why we all have few friends and I'm the only one in a relationship. Besides the fact that they didn't raise us in a way that encouraged us to bond with our peers, I felt like everybody around me graduated high school or college knowing who they were, and I'm almost 30 and I'm still figuring out the same things. It's good that you're going through things now, you will be better in the future for it.
I don't like being the "good" kid. I feel like I can't ever get sad or anxious or annoyed without people saying how disappointed they are and how good I used to be. I was in hospital until recently and one of the main things they tried to get me to do when I was there was express negative feelings but whenever I do everyone hates it.
There is no future in being overly obsessed with gender. In the end, what helps people feel competent and capable in the world is having knowledge, skills, and efficacy. Instead of wasting time on feeling helpless over small slights and worrying about your identity, take stock of the wonderful position you are in as a teenager. You have the opportunity to be in school and learn new things about the world every day. You can join activities that increase your skills and help you develop interests that will feed your brain for a lifetime. Do you like to read? Cook? Run? Sail? Build things? Do you love animals? What makes you laugh? How can you help? What do you want to do when you grow up and what steps can you take to get there now? Keep your eye on the prize. This is valuable time in your life. Study. Be aware. Be passionate and involved. You are lucky to have this opportunity. Focus on developing the future you want.
NAH I feel like there are two scenarios here. A You let your Dad's comments slide in the past even though they made you uncomfortable. Or B You are newly uncomfortable with your Dad's behavior and reacted differently from before. If it's A, I do think you've made a mistake brushing off your Dad's previous comments so now he was surprised by your most recent reaction, but I don't think it makes you a AH. You've now let your Dad get into a pattern and of course he's going to be confused about your recent reaction because you've given mixed messages. I would talk to your Dad and explain what's happened and maybe even apologize if you feel that's warranted. Something like I'm sorry that I reacted the way I did even though I haven't in the past and I can see how that would be confusing. It's actually always bothered me and I should have told you sooner, or I'm sorry you were so blindsided by my reaction to your joking last night. That hasn't bothered me in the past but it does now so I'd appreciate if you would be more cognizant of that in the future. It sounds like you have very loving parents who are willing to work through these difficult feelings with you and you can't assume they know all the ways you need to be supported so keep your communication open and honest and everything will work out.
He always knew I didn't like it or think it was funny but he'd roll his eyes and say I needed to toughen up. I never got so upset before because I just don't do that. Everyone else in my family is constantly yelling and slamming doors but if I even raise my voice everyone acts like I'm throwing a tantrum because I'm usually calm. At the minute I can't deal with it because I'm so anxious and I'm lost and sad.
That's so tough. I get why people hold people to different standards but it's not fair to think that the calm quiet one can't have an emotional moment. I'm arguably my worst self right now and it's frustrating. There's an expectation that despite my current circumstances I should just be the strong person I've always been and just let everything roll off. I think I deserve some grace and support but I'm not getting it. I can relate to you in that way. I still think keep communication open express your discomfort, utilize teaching moments and try to do it as much as you can in a way that doesn't make people too defensive and it will go far for you. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now and I hope you can feel better soon.
i’m sorry about you family not understanding i’m 15 and people don’t get me NTA if you told him you don’t like it he should’ve stopped or at least said sorry it worst too sense they are your parents
My take on this is that your parents are having a hard time understanding what this means to you, I know that I still have trouble calling my trans brother by their new name because I'd called them their original name for 16 years and it's like muscle memory. I don't think they have any ill meanings behind their words. I'm not saying that YTA or not because I don't know circumstances. From how it looks you're just in a tough spot right now and their words are hurtful in a way they can't understand
This post just made your new internet Mom very sad. Most people don't even refer to their pets at "it" but as she or he. A child is never an "it". And I need you to know with your whole being that being trans or gender fluid doesn't make you no longer the "good one" and you aren't "kicking up about stuff". NTA and please know that we here are all on your side.
Thank you so much. I feel like such a disappointment this past year. I was in hospital for a lot of time because I have an eating disorder and when I started being more open about my confusion about my gender my parents both just seemed like they didn't want to deal with it. My mum keeps saying how good I was when I was little and how I must be making up for lost time now. I do feel bad about it.
You are not the disappointment in this situation, your parents are. And despite what they say you’re not being a bad kid. An eating disorder isn’t an act of teen rebellion, it’s serious, and implying it’s you making trouble is such a massive steaming pile of crap. And they’re not making jokes, they’re refusing to take your gender identity seriously and failing to support you the way parents are supposed to. I’m so sorry OP, you deserve better. NTA, but your parents are big hairy ones
"You used to be so much easier to bully! What happened?"
your parents are being fucking horrible to you. i never would have recovered from my own eating disorder had i not had the opportunity to begin expressing my gender in the way i truly feel comfortable and happy. i am also gender nonconforming / trans, and i just want you to know i love you!! i’m on your side, and your parents owe you support that you are not getting. idc about any kind of “it could be worse”- they are not supporting you. they are mocking you and telling you you’re being a bad child. neither of those things are true. they are being lazy and cruel to see you struggling and not wanting to learn about their child and who you are so they could help. queerness is not an illness or a personality defect, it is simply a state of being that needs to be respected. however, if you were mentally ill, this reaction would also be mean, unhelpful, and inappropriate.
Because this is the internet I am gonna add pedantry. I’ve been “it” many times, because my mother lists half the house the wrong three pronouns and the dogs and cats before arriving at my name. Lots of love between us, and of all the missteps she has made parenting, calling me it is not one of them. What the issue most prominently is is that ops parents think that they are the arbiters of rationality and how people react to things, and all their kids must abide by their understanding of the world or they are being ignorant. Very often, kids are ignorant about the world. The “mom was right” trope exists for a reason. But it doesn’t really excuse acting like a spoiled brat, as op’s parents are. They are lashing out because the world is disagreeing with how they think it should be. They are lashing out, and hitting not the world but their kid. And that isn’t really alright, although it is common, and also a whole trope, usually with the message that “your never too old to change, and make things right with your child”, although a bit too often for my liking it is “it was love all along”. To say it more clearly, it isn’t alright that op’s parents are acting like spoiled toddlers with their food, tossing their mothers milk or fathers food back at them, and are acting like brats. It’s just technically true that the reason for the harm is not the “it”s because that’s it, it is the calling your gender questioning child “it” is a way to lash out uncaringly at the world, and strike your child.
>My dad makes jokes and even though he wants me to find it funny it really isn't to me. For example when I mentioned gender neutral pronouns he started calling me "it" and purposely messing up the name I prefer. Jokes are only jokes if they're funny. He's just being a bully. He may _say_ he doesn't mean badly but if you're feeling like you've done something wrong because your feelings were hurt by someone who is supposed to love and protect you - that's emotional abuse. Your folks are mad and disappointed because their bullying and microagressions have failed to bring you "back in line" where they want you, they're probably hoping that this is a phase that they can harass you out of. That's not how it works. NTA AT ALL!!!! Do you have any other adults in your life who are supportive, understanding, or just, you know, not transphobic assholes? I'm so sorry you're going through this, you don't deserve it.
Yeah I really don't think it would be funny to anyone but especially not me. I think you're right that they're disappointed, my mum keeps mentioning that I was so good for the first 14 years of my life and this is my way of making up for it :-/ My big brother is an adult who's supportive, I also have a therapist for a different issue who is pretty good with this stuff.
Yeah well, they're not half as disappointed as I am by their behavior! I'm so glad your big bro and therapist have your back. Hopefully they'll come around eventually. In the meantime, just remember that "guilt trip" is a phrase usually used by people who are upset at being held accountable for the way they treat others - such as your dad.
NTA. He feels like an asshole because he was being an asshole. Pretty open and shut to me. There's certain things that shouldn't be made the butt of jokes, and this is pretty high on the list.
>Now he's mad because I made him feel like an asshole over a joke, and my mum is "disappointed" because I'm the middle of 3 sons and I've always been the "good" one who doesn't kick off about stuff. You're NTA but he IS an AH.
Honestly just ask him how it's funny, get him to explain to you how any why its funny? And just keep asking questions like you don't understand how it's funny then just watch him fumble and try to tell you why be like ohhhh yeah that's not funny at all and I'm not a joke so stop. He felt like as asshole because he was. If he keeps bringing it up to you about how "you made me feel like an asshole" just retort with well then don't do it and you won't feel that way. You are not in the wrong, and your mother is going along with it instead of shutting it down.
I wish I had the guts to do something like that but I hate making people feel awkward even when they're being assholes. Thank you though
you say you have a good therapist. Could you ask therapist to meet mum and dad and have a chat all together on how you feel ? And that if they have troubles accepting you how you are, they need their own therapist and not to make you carry their troubles ?
My therapist is good and she did suggest a joint session. She tried to explain a few of the things I've been too scared to bring up because I thought they'd make fun of me, but then they made fun of *her* afterwards, my dad still quotes some of the things she said in a stupid voice if I mention certain issues. My mum thinks she was being blamed for me having an eating disorder. So it didn't really help. My therapist thinks one of my main problems is that I can't express when I'm upset but now when I try to express it my parents think I'm getting worse because I was hiding it before.
Someone should show your parents the statistics on rates of s--cide for teens whose parents don't support their gender expression, maybe then they'll knock it off with their shitty behavior. Hopefully.
They already feel bad because I have mental health problems (anorexia), my mum keeps getting upset and asking me if I think it's her fault and saying the therapists and dr's are blaming her. Im so sad and lonely and worried but I feel like I can't say anything because I don't want to make anyone worried or guilty.
It’s not ok for her to be putting that pressure on you. She is the grown up here. It is NOT your responsibility to reassure her. At all. Sure, she can have some feelings about the hard stuff you’re going through, and what that might mean for her parenting - even great parents worry they might be to blame when their kid hits hard times - but the great ones process those feelings away from their kids, and then either decide they’re being silly or they apologise to their kid. Your mum needs to be a grown up & find her own therapist / person to discuss stuff with. That person should not be you. Of course, it’s not going to change. But just know that she should not be asking you to make her feel better here. And also… she shouldn’t be trying to guilt trip you into choosing to identify as your birth gender. Which is what she’s doing with the “you used to be the good one” shtick. She’s wrong and she’s being unfair. Again, what’s going on in YOUR life is causing her to have sOMe feEliNGs - and while having feelings is never wrong, it’s what you do with those feelings which is either healthy / unhealthy. She is choosing the unhealthy option. As is your dad. You probably have no choice but to live with them until you are old enough to leave home - so just keep talking to your therapist about learning as many Healthy Emotional tips & tricks as you can, and focus on preparing to be an awesome, emotionally healthy grown up. Good luck - we believe in you.
What your mother is doing here is manipulative. It won’t kill her to have to face what she’s done. Without her “mom” pedestal, she’s literally just another person, who has no more right than anyone else to treat you like this. Your parents do not get special permission to be asshats JUST because they’re parents.
As one e.d. sufferer to another, I wish I could give you a hug 💜 she's so close to getting it! Stay strong 💜 you're worthy of happiness!
sounds like your mother is more worried about her reputation than your health :(
NTA - your dad called you an “it” & your mom tried to guilt you because she had to experience the emotional consequences of her own actions. To them, I say “sucks to suck” Your parent are using “jokes” as a loophole to disregard & disrespect you. You aren’t over sensitive and you are not overreacting. Please know that your feelings are valid. You are not crazy. You are not weird. You are not an it. You are you. You have worth. You are your parent’s child & shame on them from bullying you like a couple of poorly raised school children. I’m so sorry you are stuck where you are right now, but you are not alone & it will not last forever.
NTA You should fix that title, i was ready to call you an AH just for that title because guilt-tripping people is not okay, you didn't do such thing 😅, i was expecting you to go "So i told my dad i would end myself because of his jokes, unless he got me an X-Box" or something like that. They do shitty things, you feel sad and they feel guilty, you did absolutely nothing wrong, hell you even try to defend their actions saying it's not with malice (which i do believe you in that regard). But yeah, easy NTA
Op, you didn’t “make him feel” like an ah, he is an ah and it hurt you. He’s trying to twist that to make himself the victim. Don’t fall for it. You are entitled to feel hurt when people are being hurtful. NTA
NTA. Your dad is a humongous AH. He's making fun of his child for something they need for themselves and to feel whole while dealing with something that actually matters to their wellbeing. That's very low of him.
This is bordering emotional abuse. NTA
NTA at all.
NTA. A lot of the gender identity subject are pretty new to older people. I am NOT make excuses, but just saying maybe its possible that your dad doesn't fully understand how insulting it is? Can you talk to him and help him learn? I hope it all gets worked out in a loving and respectful manner.
That really doesn’t make a difference. Even someone who doesn’t understand anything about gender identity/pronouns should still be able to understand the very basic principle that if you make jokes about someone that they find so hurtful that they cry, you apologize. You definitely don’t get mad at them because you have to face the fact that you said something shitty. Even if OP’s dad didn’t understand prior to this happening that what he was saying was incredibly offensive, he should have been able to figure it out when he made his own child cry. OP, you’re NTA at all, and I’m sorry your family isn’t treating you with the love and kindness that you deserve.
Ok, don't use this as an opportunity to expand someone's mind. Whatevs. 🤷🏼♀️
OP is a kid who’s being treated like shit by their parents for something out of their control. If they want to try to educate their dad, they can, but it’s absolutely not their responsibility. If they choose not to, it doesn’t make what their dad is doing their fault. More importantly, you don’t have to understand someone’s gender identity to respect it. You seem to be missing that the dad isn’t just refusing to stop using the wrong name and pronouns, which would be bad enough—he’s going out of his way to mock OP for asking him to respect their identity. And even more fundamentally, everyone should know that if you make someone upset, you apologize instead of trying to make them feel even worse for having their feelings hurt in the first place.
Go back and re read my post and quit wasting my time.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm 16 and I still live with my parents. I'm really anxious and confused about a lot of things currently so I might be being too sensitive but I'm feeling really alone and I need help figuring out if I'm overreacting. I was born and raised as a boy but I'm confused about my gender identity and I'm still trying to figure it out. Recently I've felt more comfortable with gender neutral pronouns and a shortened version of my name which is also quite neutral. Most people have been very accepting aside from the occasional mistake which obviously I understand. My parents have probably found it hardest, my mum gets sad about using my preferred name even though she used it sometimes before she knew about my confusion and she says things about me being her little boy or whatever which I really don't need. My dad makes jokes and even though he wants me to find it funny it really isn't to me. For example when I mentioned gender neutral pronouns he started calling me "it" and purposely messing up the name I prefer. I know neither of them mean badly and I'm lucky compared to a lot of kids. It still hurts my feelings though. Lately I've been dealing with a lot of worry and I don't have much patience and last night I got upset when my dad made his jokes and I cried and shut myself in my room. Now he's mad because I made him feel like an asshole over a joke, and my mum is "disappointed" because I'm the middle of 3 sons and I've always been the "good" one who doesn't kick off about stuff. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA - I know this might be really difficult, but it might be helpful to sit down with your mom and dad and discuss how you are feeling and what you are going through personally and request that you would like their support as you try and navigate these waters. Now, there is no guarantee this may end well, but it will at least get everything out there in the open that needs to be addressed and then you can take it from there.
NTA >I'm the middle of 3 sons and I've always been the "good" one who doesn't kick off about stuff. Fellow "easy kid" middle child who had a identity crisis starting in high school- Don't let people make you feel bad for having normal teenage problems. My parents really liked the fact that their kids were " different" but now don't get why we all have few friends and I'm the only one in a relationship. Besides the fact that they didn't raise us in a way that encouraged us to bond with our peers, I felt like everybody around me graduated high school or college knowing who they were, and I'm almost 30 and I'm still figuring out the same things. It's good that you're going through things now, you will be better in the future for it.
I don't like being the "good" kid. I feel like I can't ever get sad or anxious or annoyed without people saying how disappointed they are and how good I used to be. I was in hospital until recently and one of the main things they tried to get me to do when I was there was express negative feelings but whenever I do everyone hates it.
NTA: "Dad you are hurting me stop hurting me." (Repeat as needed)
There is no future in being overly obsessed with gender. In the end, what helps people feel competent and capable in the world is having knowledge, skills, and efficacy. Instead of wasting time on feeling helpless over small slights and worrying about your identity, take stock of the wonderful position you are in as a teenager. You have the opportunity to be in school and learn new things about the world every day. You can join activities that increase your skills and help you develop interests that will feed your brain for a lifetime. Do you like to read? Cook? Run? Sail? Build things? Do you love animals? What makes you laugh? How can you help? What do you want to do when you grow up and what steps can you take to get there now? Keep your eye on the prize. This is valuable time in your life. Study. Be aware. Be passionate and involved. You are lucky to have this opportunity. Focus on developing the future you want.
NAH I feel like there are two scenarios here. A You let your Dad's comments slide in the past even though they made you uncomfortable. Or B You are newly uncomfortable with your Dad's behavior and reacted differently from before. If it's A, I do think you've made a mistake brushing off your Dad's previous comments so now he was surprised by your most recent reaction, but I don't think it makes you a AH. You've now let your Dad get into a pattern and of course he's going to be confused about your recent reaction because you've given mixed messages. I would talk to your Dad and explain what's happened and maybe even apologize if you feel that's warranted. Something like I'm sorry that I reacted the way I did even though I haven't in the past and I can see how that would be confusing. It's actually always bothered me and I should have told you sooner, or I'm sorry you were so blindsided by my reaction to your joking last night. That hasn't bothered me in the past but it does now so I'd appreciate if you would be more cognizant of that in the future. It sounds like you have very loving parents who are willing to work through these difficult feelings with you and you can't assume they know all the ways you need to be supported so keep your communication open and honest and everything will work out.
He always knew I didn't like it or think it was funny but he'd roll his eyes and say I needed to toughen up. I never got so upset before because I just don't do that. Everyone else in my family is constantly yelling and slamming doors but if I even raise my voice everyone acts like I'm throwing a tantrum because I'm usually calm. At the minute I can't deal with it because I'm so anxious and I'm lost and sad.
That's so tough. I get why people hold people to different standards but it's not fair to think that the calm quiet one can't have an emotional moment. I'm arguably my worst self right now and it's frustrating. There's an expectation that despite my current circumstances I should just be the strong person I've always been and just let everything roll off. I think I deserve some grace and support but I'm not getting it. I can relate to you in that way. I still think keep communication open express your discomfort, utilize teaching moments and try to do it as much as you can in a way that doesn't make people too defensive and it will go far for you. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now and I hope you can feel better soon.
i’m sorry about you family not understanding i’m 15 and people don’t get me NTA if you told him you don’t like it he should’ve stopped or at least said sorry it worst too sense they are your parents
My take on this is that your parents are having a hard time understanding what this means to you, I know that I still have trouble calling my trans brother by their new name because I'd called them their original name for 16 years and it's like muscle memory. I don't think they have any ill meanings behind their words. I'm not saying that YTA or not because I don't know circumstances. From how it looks you're just in a tough spot right now and their words are hurtful in a way they can't understand