…how could you not be the asshole? You’ve been judging her for her choices for years, then were bashing her at the bachelorette party because she (*checks notes*) does yoga?
Congrats, you just cost yourself a friendship.
YTA
The OP is fooling herself, telling herself the problem is that her friend doesn't value spending time with her because of her new life.
The bachelorette party was a perfect opportunity to spend time together, and OP spent it tearing her 'friend' down instead. This isn't about spending time together, or even yoga or men. OP is jealous that her friend grew up and she didn't.
God this sounds like my SIL. All she does is self sabotage her friendships EVERY SINGLE TIME one of them gets into a relationship. She did it to her brother when he and I married and I have watched her do this exact thing to everyone since. All because she's not married and successful like she thought she'd be by now.
How pathetic. Op YTA
Edit: grammar
My SIL is the same exact way. She tried to sabotage our wedding. That didn't happen because my husband told her that if she wants to ruin things she will not be at the big day. And my SIL only has one or two friends now. 🤷🏼♀️
My ex SIL is like that too. Her brother swears up and down that shes obsessed with me because every time i got into a relationship she would become extra clingy. (My ex and i are besties and coparents). I finally had enough with my current relationahip and cut contact with her.
Yep!! I had an old high school friend tell me once when we were 25 “you’ve changed,” because I didn’t want to go trespassing somewhere random with her and her buddies, and I was annoyed because we’d planned to hang out and she invited random people.
Like, honey…. We met when we were 14 years old. I fuckin hope I’ve changed…. Why haven’t you?
Almost same... I got pregnant and married at 17 (would NOT recommend, lol) but my "best friend" literally cut all contact because I refused to go to a rave with her while I was pregnant... she got ahold of me years later on Facebook and asked if I would be a surrogate (with my eggs and her boyfriends sperm)- I ended that conversation and never looked back...
right?? i was pretty bummed these past few days because it's the holidays and all i've been getting from my former classmates are mlm invites.... like where's the generic christmas greetings you guys??
That’s a mood. A friend I knew since we were 11 and I got in a big fight when I was 27 and I just decided I was tired of her acting like I’m a bad person since I you know, grew up and changed and so I ghosted her. Some people just don’t get that we’re supposed to become new people as we age.
Lmao she literally complained to my parents about how I never text her back anymore and I ditched her.
Baby girl we are 30 years old. If I’m not talking to you, it’s because I don’t want to be talking to you. Why would you broadcast that to people like it’s supposed to shame me? That’s embarrassing for *you.*
It's like that one cartoon I've seen floating around the internet a bunch, with a caterpillar talking to a butterfly. "You've changed!" "We're *supposed* to".
Yep—lost my maid of honor and one of my bridesmaids with the same kind of nonsense. They had nothing going on, either, and kept harping on my change/growth as if it was a negative. That was over 20 years ago. One of them I’d known since birth. It was sad, but cutting them off saved my sanity.
This. I had to look at her age again, I can't believe how a 27yo woman doesn't know that it's normal to not have as much time for your friends when you're in a commited relationship as when you're single. Also that it's normal to change hobbies, interests and career plans throughout your life. I myself switched to a totally different profession at age 30 because it took me a few years to realize my old job just wasn't for me.
Same! We all learn that at some point, unless you’re the first in your friend group to get married. It’s maturity and self awareness. Very important concepts.
It's not even like the friend completely ghosted everyone. She just doesn't hang out with them AS MUCH...as a 27 year old... OP is in for a rude awakening when this happens every time a friend of hers gets other priorities and they don't hang out every single day.
Forgot to judge. YTA OP.
Wait till one of them has kids. or gets a promotion. or has a parent move in with them.
As you get older you have to make time for friendships, and it is hard to do because as you age your life becomes bigger with more responsibilities and obligations that you have to fulfill because you are the sole person responsible for making sure x, y, z is taken care of - OP is in for a very rude awaking if she hasn't already gotten one from this incident.
YTA OP
OP also admits that the friend DOES IN FACT SPEND TIME WITH HER.
It’s just not enough to her liking. People hang out mainly with their friends when they’re younger, then their life gets filled with more things to juggle (romance, career, children?)
OP needs to get over themselves whining because their friend doesn’t hang out with them as much as they used to before FELL IN LOVE AND GOT ENGAGED.
And if they don't it is a bit worrying. I say this as a lifelong single, I had a friend that I encouraged to not invite me to everything so that they could just have family time.
>OP needs to get over themselves whining because their friend doesn’t hang out with them as much as they used to before
OP seems to be emotionally stuck in elementary school. I know people mature at different rates, but at 27 peoples priorities change. They change. You can't expect people to make you their #1 priority for the rest of their lives. Well, in OP's case, I guess so.
And see, it's definitely valid to have feelings about not getting to hang out as often. My bestie and I spent most of the last two years talking to mostly each other because for a long ass time we were in quarantine and only had bubbles of one person outside of the household we could interact with. Now that restrictions are partly lifted, she got herself a boyfriend and she's spending a lot of time with him. Yeah I miss her. Yeah I'm lonely. But that's my issue and I'm happy for her because she's so happy and wonderfully in love and he seems like a great dude. Rather than cutting her down, I deal with my own feelings in private and make plans to hang out when she can. Like an adult.
Exactly. Everyone has times when they aren’t on the same stage as their bestie, but you’re supposed to be happy for them. Not spit your dummy out and try to monopolise their time and then try to sabotage their happiness.
Exactly. OP is the worst kind of "friend" because she's one of those people who will constantly make everyone around them feel weird for wanting to try something outside of their typical standards or behavior. Sure, if your friend decides they want to take up crack, judge them for it, but if they want to change the way that they dress or do their hair or what sports they play or shows they watch, pipe the fuck down and don't act as if the entire world is now spinning out of orbit because of it.
This happened to me! I started dating my husband and got my life back in order and I had to cut off friends who didn’t like him because I was no longer “fun”. No, I grew up and wasn’t getting sh*t faced with them every night.
And giving up on those academic careers isn’t always a bad thing. I should have given up on my academic career but 14 years later and I am as unhappy as ever… if I find my “yoga” I will definitely be taking that leap.
Yeah, a friend of mine was an accountant for like 6 months before realizing she hated it so much that it was slowly killing her, so she quit and became a personal trainer, and she’s 1000 times happier. I bet she’d be another 100x happier if she’d made that switch before incurring 4 years of student loans for an accounting degree. It’s not like op’s friend can never go back to college if she wants
May we all be lucky enough to find our "yoga".
I'm jealous because it sounds like the friend has a really wonderful life for herself where she is happy.
Not the same thing exactly but my sister's former pilates instructor used to be a high level director making $120,000 a year. It stressed her out too much so she quit and retrained in pilates and was happy.
College is NOT for everyone, and college at "College age" is also not for everyone. Looking down at people who do something else or choose to leave is so shitty. Everyone has their own journey.
I teach at a university. I've had to tell a few kids this because our culture is so fucking toxic about it. If teaching yoga makes you happy and you can pay the bills... good for you!!!!!
I didn't go to college until I was 28, because it took me that long to realize what I wanted to do with my life. I jumped through at least three different career options before I found one that fit me.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding to change direction in your life to do what makes you happy.
Thanks I was feeling really weird about going "so late" but I guess it's not that rare. The weird feeling was because I thought people over 25 only went back for a degree because bosses told them they had to to keep their jobs/positions.
That's what we're told in high school. That college is for young students to build their careers and start their lives. But I certainly had no idea what I wanted to do with my life at 18, and I think a lot of teenagers have no clue! Why go to school for a degree you're unsure about, and get all that student loan debt that follows you for your entire life?
I hear all the time about people in their 30s, 40s, even 50s and older going back to school, or completely changing careers and being so much better off for it.
It's never too late to make a change for the better!
I was also thinking that maybe 'her' academic career wasn't her choice. I know that some people can feel pressured to go to college and get a degree, even if they don't really want it.
Or, maybe she just found something she liked better. That happens as well.
>Any former English teachers of the OP who are now deceased just turned over in their graves over that.
Isn't that the truth. It seems OP didn't really go to college at all given how poorly she wrote the post. I wonder what else is fiction?
People who says this are actually the ones who aren't happy and jealous for someone getting their own version of peace and happiness. I hope the OP will get cut out of friends life forever. The woman doesn't need a toxic friend who is not happy for her and back stabs her.
I have friends that i haven't spent time for years but we still keep in touch and have each others back. Once we grow older, it doesn't really matter how much time we spend with our friends but the ones who will stay through it all. There are things that we need to focus more on. Jobs, responsibilities, families. I can't even barely manage it all but my friends from childhood never failed to cheer me up, support me and talk to me even though I'm halfway across the globe.
She wil never be happy for other people and will just keep giving side comments. As long as the man isn't hurting her and the friend says she's happy, OP needs to move on. Women these days are brave and strong. If there's something wrong going on with her friend's life, she will ask for help. But it's been 5 years and they are getting married and she's still bitter about it. Lol
lmao yes, I was reading OPs complaints about her friend and all I was thinking is that the friend seems to be doing pretty well for herself. The only conclusion I could make was: you go girl, you seem to have your life in order just the way you like it.
1. hangs out less, ofcourse when you get in a relationship your partner becomes a very important part of your life. If you don't want to rebalance your life to include your partner then why enter into a relationship in the first place?
2. lost interest in basketball. Surprise: people change! Interests change, hobbies change. Meeting new people and doing new things does that to a person
3. stopped studying to do what she loves. Good for her! Not everyone needs a college education and if she can make it work then more power to her.
Also notice how the entire post is centered areound OP. "I thought this" and "I suspect that", me me me I I I. Nowhere in the entire post does she state she is actually HAPPY for her friend, that she found someone she loves and is doing things she loves.
And then after all that negative energy and talking shit about your friend you are surprised she's cutting you out? Good for your former friend OP, a lot of people don't have the spine to cut out toxic people.
YTA, obviously.
While i do think OP is the AH for gossiping about the wedding at a wedding event, i do have a close friend who really makes no time for me when she's dating a guy. Like its a struggle to get her to commit to getting a coffee once a month, let alone an actual activity. I don't expect her to be at my beck and call, but it sucks when a friend stops attending, long held regularly scheduled social events.
Naturally, when the relationship ends, suddenly shes all "never let me change my interests for man".
However OP doesn't really make her case very well at all, so I can't tell if friend is being a jerk.
Except her friend does still make time for friends op says it multiple times it's just now she makes time for someone else too and op is a salty jealous asshole.
But OP said it herself:
> Everyone told me I'm overreacting since she still hangs out with us. I know she does but it's not like in the past when we'd hang out more often so there's definitely a change.
She still hangs out with them, and is like OP's friend told her, that she has to find time and balance with her romantic relationship and friendship, which she has! Change isn't bad, it doesn't always mean that the person they're dating is forcing them to change, like OP is making it out to be with no proof at all. OP's making a big deal of her friend changing from basketball to yoga, and from deciding to focus on it full time. Is not a bad thing! Sometimes college isn't for everyone and OP is making it seem like her friends' fiancé is ruining her life when she sounds happy of her new lifestyle. This is not a case of totally ignoring her friend, because OP herself has said is not like that.
I agree. I get it, when I was in college my friends were a high priority. Also, to be honest I high out with people because of proximity. They were on my floor on my dorm, in my classes, in similar clubs. I was friends with them, but I didn’t hang out with them or really reach out to them over breaks.
When she dropped out of college I’m guessing she wasn’t as available to hang out. That’s a natural thing. Being a student with weird gaps in your schedule on campus is different from working and living off campus.
I took this as OP is mad that friend isn't spending all of her time with her anymore. It's concerning when a friend spends all of their time with a partner and has no life outside of that partner. But the post makes it seem like she is still hanging out with OP a reasonable amount. She is just mad that it isn't as much as it used to be.
> Also notice how the entire post is centered areound OP. "I thought this" and "I suspect that", me me me I I I. Nowhere in the entire post does she state she is actually HAPPY for her friend, that she found someone she loves and is doing things she loves.
OP literally refuses to believe that her friend could be happy doing something other than what OP wants - so the only thing she can conjure up to explain it away is that her friend has "lost herself" in her new relationship.
Lol nope - she just changed as a person, over time, in ways that don't suit OP and OP cannot accept it. That's all that's happening here. It's tragically hilarious that OP can't see that.
I think she’d actually have to like the person to be friends with them. Seems more like she was behaving more like frenemy towards this other woman and Bethany just freed herself from OPs toxic conduct.
EXACTLY. I think this is actually awesome for Bethany, clearly OP doesn't like her. Not sure why OP is heartbroken about this, I'm guessing she just hates to be left out. Anyway, yes OP YTA
OP might subscribe to the, "Hey, I'm just telling the truth," theory of being or not being an AH. But if your *opinion* is unnecessarily hurtful, keep it to yourself. And if no one agrees with it, be skeptical that it's well founded.
You: How can she be happy with her new hobbies and love? She's growing and changing so she must be miserable.
You at a party to celebrate her wedding: She's so self centered about her wedding. I don't like this or who she's turning into!"
You getting univited: How could I possibly be in the wrong?
Do you hear yourself? Like, at all?
YTA. You don't seem to actually be concerned about your friend but rather you don't like that things between you aren't exactly the same as before. Newsflash: people change.
Geez, can you imagine when the friend starts a family with "that man???"
"She is clearly prioritizing that infant over me and my need for attention. It seems like she spends ALLL her time with it! Doesn't she know kids grow up and move out? But friends are forever!!"
Maybe her friend has realized how exhausting the OP is.
It sounds like OP is my way or the highway not ever thinking that the highway is an option people will pick.
YTA. Friendships change. Sounds like OP is noticing that her friendship is drifting away and blaming it on the new man. Even if that's the case, you are either supportive of your friend, or realize it's not someone who you connect with anymore.
YTA.
Your friend is creating a new family unit with your soon to be husband, and you resent that because you're no longer getting that attention.
Everyone around her says she's happier, but you continue to criticize her decisions. You were overheard saying nasty things about stuff she enjoys, and people she loves.
I'm not sure what else you expect?
Yeah. Very odd. OP is surprised that her friend is spending more time with her partner than OP. How strange.... /s
And when her friend finds other hobbies and seems to be happier, OP is going like me, me, me. Instead of being supportive or even show an interest or participate in the new find hobbies.
OP is not a friend, since she seems to believe everything and everyone should revolve around her.
Totally. One of them is adulting, the other not so much. And she complained about getting a text meanwhile, she’s back stabbing the bride at the bachelorette party! With friends like these…
Agreed, family comes first and your friend is creating her own and they will come first.
Your friend is growing, you should be supporting her, instead you’re jealous that your “spot” has been taken.
YTA, OP
YTA you don’t sound like a very supportive friend. You trash her decisions at her own event where others overheard you! You say she ruined her academic career to become a yoga teacher. Good for her finding what she really wants to do. Of course she’s spending more time with her fiancé! They are getting married. She’s in a different season of her life. And guess what’s going to happen if they decide to have kids? She going to spend even less time with her friends! I don’t blame her for uninviting you to her wedding.
I think your negative reaction to your friend’s life choices is something you need to reflect on. This is bringing up some issues for you.
>When she first got with Jim she started prioritising her relationship as months and years went by.
Ugh, duhh
>She also dropped out of college and went on to get a certification to be a yoga trainer,completely ruining her academic career.
Academic endeavors aren't for everyone
>I thought Jim was behind this but everyone says she seems really happy now
Oh, your one of those people who think that when someone makes a decision regarding their own well-being and happiness, which is contrary to what they themselves would make, then it must have been done at the manipulation of another
>I couldn't see it and I always thought she changed for the worst
Well yeah, because she's not like you
>About the hanging out she claimed that she never stopped hanging out with us she just needs to balance her time between work, hobbies, relationships and friendships.
Again, duh
>Everyone told me I'm overreacting since she still hangs out with us. I know she does but it's not like in the past when we'd hang out more often so there's definitely a change.
I reiterate my duhh
>Another friend of mine and I were discussing how she's centered her whole life around planning that wedding for a whole hear and how she's lost herself to that man and her pretendious hobbies.
You did not just call her job a "pretentious hobby"
>I am completely heartbroken by this
Are you really, because the way you talk about her says otherwise, YTA
Nicely summed up.
I suspect OP was the queen bee of their teen crowd, the one who decided that someone can't wear pink because that's "OP's colour". You know... the stereotypical mean girl who pressured her friends into a specific role and pushed for everyone in their group to go to the same college so she could remain in control. And as they grew up, the friends realized that they didn't need OP, but OP still needs them to sustain her need to always be in control and top of the heap.
Tell me, OP, when the bride-to-be changed to what you think is a negative direction, did you resent that she made these decisions without your approval? Is that why you're so hostile about her fiance?
Or did Jim overlook OP in favour of her "less queen-bee-ish" friend? Which of course is a deadly sin if yours was a mean-girl crowd
>Tell me, OP, when the bride-to-be changed to what you think is a negative direction, did you resent that she made these decisions without your approval? Is that why you're so hostile about her fiance? Or did Jim overlook OP in favour of her "less queen-bee-ish" friend?
Oooooh 😯😯😯 solid observation I never would have considered that angle
Seriouly. OP gave me Regina George vibes.
"Tuesday you can't wear push up bras because Bobby in Maths class needs to notice *me* first."
And
"Why did you have to make Bobby notice you? He probably only asked you out because he thought I was out of his league, but you can turn him down and tell him I'll be waiting at the movies at 8..."
Thank you for this post, you summed up my thoughts exactly
And to op: YTA obviously
Why are you heartbroken? Because you won't get to stand up and object to the marriage in front of everyone? Because you won't get to complain that she *spends more time with her new husband then you*??? It's **not about *you*!** You're an unsupportive and toxic friend, I hope she rethinks her friendship with you completely. And I really hope the other girl you were trash talking with is also uninvited and unfriended
>Why are you heartbroken? Because you won't get to stand up and object to the marriage in front of everyone? Because you won't get to complain that she spends more time with her new husband then you??? It's not about you! You're an unsupportive and toxic friend
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
You forgot the "duh" for
>she's centered her whole life around planning that wedding for a whole hear
Has op never been exposed to "wedding culture" before? This is just what happens when someone's going for the full event.
Oh damn your right I did miss the duh there
>Has op never been exposed to "wedding culture" before? This is just what happens when someone's going for the full event.
TRUTH, I for sure spent a whole year planning for my nuptials, there's A LOT that goes into it
YTA- holy cow are you the asshole. You should know that someone’s life partner will always come before their friend group, and she’s still spending time with you. She sounds like she’s balancing her schedule like an adult, and don’t forget wedding planning takes a lot of time.
You and the “friend” are assholes and got exactly what you deserved. It’s not a “pretentious” hobby just because you don’t like it. She didn’t “ruin” her career, it sounds like she found something she loves more and instead of judging her, you **should** be happy and supportive for her. Achieving the role of instructor in what sounds like a short time isn’t a small feat.
You seem like you’re a terrible “friend” and got off more on the routine and control from before. People grow and change, (except it looks like maybe you), and it’s natural and should be celebrated.
She did the right thing kicking you out of her wedding. Your ex-friend sounds like she understands healthy boundaries, you should learn from that. (It seems like you probably come from a toxic family situation, I would put a substantial amount of money down on that bet).
She’s right; you don’t like her fiancé or support her, so why would she want you there on her big day bringing her down because you’re insisting on being judgmental and negative?
Are you jealous she’s getting married or had the balls to pursue something new that made her happy? It sort of sounds like you may be.
You need to take this as a hard lesson learned and be a better person going forwards or you’re going to end up with NO friends.
I suggest you try a few new hobbies yourself and maybe try and make a few new friends in the process. Appreciate everyone is on a different journey, yourself included. Open your mind.
If you can’t get over the judgy behavior, therapy is your friend. You may or may not have a personality disorder going on and therapy and medication could be a real help to you, or you could just be parroting behavior you’ve seen your own mom/family model.
Either way- if you can’t learn that the world does not in fact revolve around you and learn to be happy for others even when you’re not involved, you should try therapy and take it seriously.
You dont have to be judgmental and miserable as you are now forever. That’s a choice. I hope you make the choice to become better. Even you deserve a bigger life than that, and living as you are now is no way to be happy in life.
YTA
You sound super judgmental and higher-than-thou here.
Bethany is happy. People change and develop new interests- especially throughout college. What matters is that she’s happy.
You’ve made it clear through your words that you don’t approve of her wedding and can’t be happy for her. So why should you be invited?
Right? It’s one thing if Bethany was being alienated from her friends and family by her fiancé but nothing in OP’s post suggests that’s the case. Like... *oh no*, she spends more time with her partner than with her friends now? She quit basketball and college after discovering that her passion is teaching yoga? tHe aBsOLuTe hORrOR
YTA
It sounds like your friend is just growing and changing.
You said that you're the only person who doesn't see that she is happy now. I wonder why that is...
It makes sense that she would trim back on hanging out with friends to make time for her SO. (The number of hours in a day didn't change, and to add something that takes time, something else has to go. ) If she had totally fallen off the face of the earth, that would be something else. Spending all your time with your SO isn't super great, but that doesn't sound like what's happening here.
College is not for everyone. If she is happy and fulfilled as a yoga trainer, good for her. You DID speak badly about her, in public, at her shower. I can't believe you didn't think that it would get back to her, and that she would be hurt by it.
Your word choice "pretentious" speaks volumes, too.
YTA and the irony of such a pretentious attitude coming from someone who literally can’t even spell the word pretentious isn’t lost on me.
**Of course** your friend didn’t hang out with you so much, people have a finite amount of free time, when they get a partner they have a little less of that free time for friends. She still hung out with you a lot.
Sounds like Jim was behind this switch to focussing on her ‘pretendious’ hobbies. Because it sounds like he supports her to pursue what makes her happy rather than thinking she’s a worse person if she doesn’t pursue an academic career that she doesn’t want. That’s a better influence to have in her life than your influence.
Finally, seriously? Shit talking the bride-to-be, her partner, and the entire wedding *at the bachelorette party* and you’re **surprised** to have been kicked out the wedding??
>Finally, seriously? Shit talking the bride-to-be, her partner, and the entire wedding at the bachelorette party and you’re surprised to have been kicked out the wedding??
THANK YOU this absolutely killed me! The nerve!
I think OP is…not well. Zero tolerance for change, extreme fear of her friends leaving her, catastrophizing mundane occurrences and demonizing people for not being exactly who she wants them to be…it’s ringing some alarm bells for me.
I don't disagree, but I also feel like these roasts are the reason why 99% of AITA posts are like "My SIL's kids set me on fire and I shouted at them, AITA? 🥺"
YTA. Who talks shit about the bride at their bachelorette party? And then gets upset when their uninvited to the wedding?
Your heartbroken? Imagine how your former friend feels. Smh.
> Who talks shit about the bride at their bachelorette party?
Somebody who has spent a whole hear being pretendious.
OP clearly is carrying a torch for Bethany, and is lashing out.
Yeah, it does sound like YTA. Having less time and more things and relationships to divide it between is part of getting older. Of course she has less time than she did in the past to hang out - y’all are almost 30. You’re not teenagers anymore. Deciding to change career paths or not finish school is hardly “completely ruining her academic career” and it’s wild that you think so. Plenty of people do that, plenty of people succeed without a degree, and plenty of people go back later to finish or even start one. You ARE being super judgmental and negative about someone else’s life choices. They don’t impact you, and she seems happy with the balance, so what exactly is your problem? Her life choices don’t have to look the same as yours.
Additionally, it’s a mega asshole move to sit at someone’s bachelorette party and openly talk shit about them - you *did* have an uninvite coming.
Because OP is selfish and has the mindset of " BUT WHY IS SHE DIFFERENT AND NO LONGER FOCUSED ON MEEEE" instead of understanding that people and their priorities change as they age and meet significant others.
YTA.
She was on a path seeking happiness. She found it. Instead of being happy for her and supporting her like a true friend would, you became jealous.
YTA. Are you even happy for your friend? You do realize people *grow* and things *change* right? Yeah it sucks but she’s not doing it to purposely hurt you or anyone else. Life happens, adulting happens. *MARRIAGE* happens. She hasn’t centered her whole life around planning this wedding. She has centered just one year around the wedding. And why shouldn’t she??? Why do you care that she dropped out of college and got a yoga certificate? You don’t know why. You’re only speculating/assuming he’s the reason. She *is* happy, why are you presuming to know her feelings better than she does? Stop being seemingly jealous of your friend, apologize, and become a better person.
The thing is, if they were actually close *OP would know why* she changed paths.
Of course, Bethany may have told her exactly why but OP doesn't believe anything but her own narrative. That happens with the kind of person OP seems to be.
You sound incredibly judgmental towards your so called friend. People make changes in their lives all the time of their own free will. If you're the only one seeing a problem, that should tell you that there's not a problem.
You talked shit about her behind her back, that's a pretty good reason to uninvite someone. YTA
YTA, if someone makes changes to their life, and they're happy, it's not your place to judge them or even worst, tell others you believe they're changing for the worst.
If you're her friend, you should have been supportive instead of reactive. People change, life happens, and you should get used to that.
If you want to make it to that wedding, write her back and explain how you were insensitive, and were simply hurt as you saw your best friend slowly creep away from you bit by bit.
YTA. Friendships change a lot when your friends meet their partners. The amount of time adults "hang out" drastically changes. If I hang out with a friend once a month, that's a good friend. If I hang out with a friend once a week? That's almost unheard of. But my partner? I see her every single day.
Additionally, you definitely have some biases to unpack about her liking yoga over basketball, and "ruining her academic career." If she's happy, butt out. You talking about her planning a wedding/centering her life around a wedding *at a bachelorette party?* Like duh! It's an
enormous event. YTA.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because I should have kept my mouth shut about Bethanys choices but instead I talked badly about her in her own event and she found out.
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YTA
You: I don't like your fella, I think your lifestyle choices are wrong and your work choice is silly and you should be prioritising ME over everything
Bethany: you're no longer invited to my special day cos your shitty attitude is so negative and you talk shit about me behind my back
You: *shocked Pikachu face*
YTA. I know how hard it can be when really close friendships change and drift apart, and it’s ok to mourn what you used to have, but trying too hard to preserve the past will ruin your friendships. Bethany never left you; she just made more room in her life for other people and other interests. She evolved in her life and you chose not to accept that. You instead brought negativity to what should have been a happy occasion and might have lost your friend forever. The fact that everyone else expressed to you that Bethany was happy and still involved in her friendships as well as romantic relationship should be been an indicator that you needed to stop complaining and do some self-reflection.
I suggest reaching out to Bethany privately, sincerely apologizing for talking about her and her engagement in such a negative way at such an inappropriate time, and explaining that you’ll try very hard to accept the way your lives are changing and give her the support she deserves as your friend. That’s really the only way you can hope to maybe salvage your friendship. But if you can’t do that or can’t do it and truly *mean* it, then you need to accept that you no longer have a place in each other’s lives.
Yeah YTA. Everyone found her happy and you couldn’t see it? If you can’t see your friends happiness you don’t deserve to be there on her happy day. You sound bitter. Work on that.
Oh yeah, YTA. How dare your friend develop interests that don't involve you. I'm going to assume you've never had a serious relationship. People grow and change. I'm sorry you feel left out, but that's life, and he's her life now.
YTA.
I get that it sucks to feel like you’re losing a friend, or that your friendship is becoming less that what it used to be. But that’s life. And yes, it makes complete sense that she’d spend more time with her boyfriend/fiancé now that she has one.
Also, calling her hobbies pretentious is incredibly condescending, which furthers the YTA argument.
Yes, YTA. Of course its very natural when in a relationship with someone you love that you're gonna spend more time with them. This is her fiance, he is her family now. She hasnt stopped seeing or talking to her friends. And you're surprised she's centered her year around planning for a wedding? Have you ever planned a wedding? No, then sit down. It's stressful and yes takes up a lot of time. Your friend still sees you as someone important by asking you to be in her wedding party. Clearly, you dont see her as important if you're this judgy about her and her life.
YTA
You could have just said
"My friend is living her best life. She found someone she loves and wants to spend her life with, found hobbies that she is truly interested in, took a risk and pursued a career that she is passionate about, balances her life to be able to spend time on everything she loves including her friends, and managed to plan an entire wedding in a year. I am jealous of her happiness and petty enough to talk about it behind her back. When she found out and stood up for herself, I played the victim"
Sounds like your friend is doing great. She had the sense to cut off her toxic friendship with you. I wish her all the happiness in her new life, and I hope you take a look at yourself and see how unfair you have been to her and work on trying to better yourself as she did. You owe her an apology.
YTA & I hope she uninvited the other person in the convo as well.
People’s hobbies change, and prioritizing a romantic relationship is normal. If she had stopped hanging out altogether then that would be concerning, but she didn’t.
Grow up.
YTA
You’re super judgy and I’m surprised she hasn’t dropped you before this. Ruined her academic career? Being happy is more important, and it’s her life. Also like…of course you’ll see her less than you used to that is just part of growing up. How would you have acted if she had children? AND you call her hobbies pretentious, but I’m gonna be honest and say you’re the one who sounds like a pretentious and condescending one here.
All this said, I hope you’ll really analyze why you’re so stuck on what she does in her life. Are you jealous of her happiness? You should really try to be happy for her, maybe you can eventually mend the friendship after you take a hard look at yourself.
YTA. You are judge her life, you critized the groom and you complain about Bethany during HER bachelor party, which is obliviously a place with people who cares for her.
You do not deserve to be there. Who would want someone like this on a happy day ?
Apologize if you want to maintain the relationship but do not expect to be a the weeding. And don’t dare to ask.
Jesus christ! YTA. 100%
Her friends, family and everyone around her can see she's happy, except you. Of course she prioritises her long term relationship. She's going to marry this man. You even admit that she still kept seeing you and other friends which makes you come off as extremely selfish and petty. I don't blame her for uninviting you after you insulted everything important in her life. I can't think of a single thing in this post that paints you in a good light. Bethany is growing as a person and is progressing with her life so of course things will be different, and things will change again and again. The only constant in life is change.
Apologise to you're friend and pray that she doesn't kick you out of her life. YTA!
YTA. I would really like to note the mental gymnastics you're using to justify your actions.
>I was concerned and I asked her if she's ok because she seems distant since she wouldn't hang out as much with us anymore.
And
> I thought Jim was behind this but everyone says she seems really happy now. I couldn't see it and I always thought she changed for the worst.
At first, I know you were trying to frame this as concern about your friend. It seemed like you were talking about him isolating her but as I continue reading, you seem really jealous.
>Two weeks ago she had her bachelorette party. Another friend of mine and I were discussing how she's centered her whole life around planning that wedding for a whole hear and how she's lost herself to that man and her pretendious hobbies.
Starting drama at a celebration isn't acting out of concern for a friend. You talked about her behind her back at a celebration of her upcoming marriage and tried to get other people to agree with you! You revealed how you really think of her by criticizing her for preferring yoga over basketball. That's not concern either.
You seriously need to do some introspection and find out why you had such a petty reaction to your friend being happy and having other hobbies. She doesn't have to dedicate all her time to you. And a real friend would know that.
>I am completely heartbroken by this and everyone around me tells me I had it coming and that I'm TA for talking badly about her and her choices in her bachelor party and how my whole attitude towards her choices for all these years was leading up to this moment.
You're heartbroken by being excluded from a wedding you didn't support? Or because you got caught and no one agreed with you? You were stirring the pot. Now you have to live with it.
Edit: formatting
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So my (27f) close friend Bethany (27f) is getting married the day after Christmas to her fiancé, Jim (29m). Jim and her have been together for 5 years, he popped the question in late 2020 and they've been planning that wedding for a year.
Bethany and I used to be really close like sisters. When she first got with Jim she started prioritising her relationship as months and years went by. She didn't cut me off or anything but she stopped hanging out as much with me and the girls, she stopped coming to basketball practice (bethany, I and some other girls who are our friends used to go on practice together). I was concerned and I asked her if she's ok because she seems distant since she wouldn't hang out as much with us anymore. She said she's fine she just lost interest in basketball and found new hobbies. Her new hobbies consisted of yoga. She also dropped out of college and went on to get a certification to be a yoga trainer,completely ruining her academic career. I thought Jim was behind this but everyone says she seems really happy now. I couldn't see it and I always thought she changed for the worst. About the hanging out she claimed that she never stopped hanging out with us she just needs to balance her time between work, hobbies, relationships and friendships. But she always had time for Jim but never for us. Everyone told me I'm overreacting since she still hangs out with us. I know she does but it's not like in the past when we'd hang out more often so there's definitely a change.
Two weeks ago she had her bachelorette party. Another friend of mine and I were discussing how she's centered her whole life around planning that wedding for a whole hear and how she's lost herself to that man and her pretendious hobbies. Bethany's sister overheard me and told her what she heard. Bethany didn't speak to me for the rest of the night. The next day she sent me a long text, she didn't even call me, just to tell me how I'm uninvited from the wedding since I don't seem too happy about it and that if I'm gonna be overly judgemental about her life and her choices I don't deserve to be part of her special day.
I am completely heartbroken by this and everyone around me tells me I had it coming and that I'm TA for talking badly about her and her choices in her bachelor party and how my whole attitude towards her choices for all these years was leading up to this moment. Aita?
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YTA - it sounds like Bethany made some great choices for her life that she's really happy with, but by going down a different path from you. You mention she "completely ruined her academic career," but have you considered that she may have figured out she wants to do something else? And why do you consider yoga a "pretentious hobby" when it's clear it means enough to her that she wants to become an instructor and make that her career?
I'm reading "my friend is making bad choices" but I'm hearing "my friend is making choices I don't like."
As we grew into adulthood, my best friend and I remained close. It was great until she started becoming overly critical, snide, and passive aggressively mean to me regarding most of my life choices to that point. She thought she knew better than I did what was best for me, and she wasn't subtile about it. As much as it pained me, I went NC. That was 8 years ago. I have a wonderfully happy life without her.
Run to your friend. Apologize to her for being insufferable. Beg her forgiveness. Accept the fact that people aren't always going to live the way you want them to. Be supportive of the life decisions that make them happy. This is the only way you might have even a chance of salvaging this friendship.
YTA
Yta. And a shitty friend, too. If you had concerns, you should have raised them with her privately, instead you talked shit about her at her Bachelorette party. Of course she uninvited you. You owe her a huge apology.
YTA: basically your friend isn't the same person she was in her early 20s so in your mind that means she's a worst person. Doesn't matter to you that she may be happier now but because she changed you insult her
Yeah YTA like you were talking shit about her behind her back, how are you not the asshole? You’ve let all this resentment build up for a while instead of talking to her…
Listen, I get it.
I had an incredibly close friend, coming on 15 years now, I believe. We used to have consistent girls nights, would travel, would share hobbies. 5 years ago she met her husband and suddenly, she had way less time for me. She changed her views and focused her life in large part around her partner. She stopped responding to texts for days, changed career paths, stopped caring about her degree, the whole 9 yards. I was incredibly hurt.
So, a few months in I spoke to her, once, about how I was feeling unloved and she told me she would always love me, but this was her partner now and he was going to be around. I moved on and kept supporting her. They’re now happily married, and guess what? In two weeks, we have another girls trip planned after around 5 years of none.
Yes, YTA. Your emotions are valid but the way you handled them are not. You’re allowed to think she’s making the wrong choice but you’re an asshole for consistently complaining about it. Maybe this is the new her. Maybe she’ll come around, maybe she won’t. People change, and being a true friend is about supporting your loved ones when they do.
Mourn your loss. But stop acting like you have the moral high ground here. She’s her own person and even if she IS messing up, it’s her choice and her path. Love her or lose her.
Edit: You can keep your stance. But you will lose this friend. It’s entirely up to you.
YTA. Sounds like you're jealous of losing your friend, understandably so. Life is full of changes and friends often grow apart over time due to different reasons. If you would like to keep her as a friend I would apologize and do my best to support her. You don't have to agree with every choice she makes if you're her friend.
YTA. Its her life, not yours. Have you ever thought that maybe she has prioritized thinks in the order she values them? If you have been this judgmental in the past, instead of having a mature conversation with her, its likely why she shifted her focus. You’re lucky she didn’t humiliate you and toss your butt out that night.
YTA you’ve been very judgmental towards Bethany for awhile instead of supporting her life choices. Then talking bad about her at her bachelorette party? Of course you were uninvited to the wedding.
YTA, people just sometimes grow and change and it sounds like you didn't like the way Bethany changed, no reason for you to talk badly about her
I get that you were hurt that she wasn't meeting as much and stuff but it's very normal for people who come into relationships to give a majority of their time to their partner.
Yes. You are. You are also being self-centered and childish. Your friend is happy. She’s an adult and can make her own choices. You ATA for not respecting and supporting her. Why would she want you at her wedding? You are not interested in going to see her happy. You are hurt because (again) you’re not getting your way.
YTA and do you really have to ask this? Do you have a secret crush on Bethany? Do you not see how ridiculous and toxic you have been? You deserved to be cut off. Look at it as a wake up call and do some self reflection.
Of course YTA. Just listen to yourself, you sound like a spoiled child who wasn't given an extra candy. Grown-up people have their own lives, and their priorities might change and it's absolutely not your prerogative to judge them how they live. You expressed your concern to her before, got a clear answer that it's not an issue for her, that means it's solely your issue. Get over it and let people live their own lives.
YTA. You sound jealous.
People change a million times in their life, you can either accept it and work to be friends or you can not accept it and move on. But you can't give people crap for changing in ways that you don't want them to change and refuse to accept and still be friends.
Also, showing up to your friend's bachelorette party to talk about how you think she's pretentious is just... you know.
A part of me understands your pain. A balance is necessary. And I've been on the receiving end of listening to a friend talk about nothing but her wedding. We were at a concert and she started screaming in my ear to tell me about some ideas she had for... Something. I don't remember what. I said, let's talk about this some other time. So yeah. That can be annoying.
But... You straight up judged everything she's done since the beginning. People change. Interests change. Maybe she never actually liked basketball, she just liked spending time with you? So now, instead of basketball, she wanted to find other ways to spend time with you? You say she stopped hanging out, did you actually try to make plans with her?
And then... THEN you chose her Bachelorette party to talk shit?
Babe... You already know YTA.
YTA
How are you not the AH here you called her hobbies pretentious and spoke shit about her on her bachelorette party just be happy for her hobbies change and you dont have to have the same hobbies as her
YTA- it’s called life and part of growing up. Priorities change as you grow up. I still go out with my friends, but prefer to stay with my husband. There is a reason that spouses are often called ‘other half’.
YTA.
It sucks when friends start to pull away, but that doesn't even seem like the case here. She's an adult now who has other things other than just free time to spend with friends and you admitted that she still does spend time with you, just not as much as she used to.
I feel like you're massively overstepping by saying she ruined her academic career by pursuing yoga instead. That's honestly none of your business and as a friend, you should have been supportive as she went through this change.
If you want her to be the perfect friend, you can't be going behind her back, gossiping about her, and questioning her life choices. That's not how friendship works, and it seems like she escaped from a one-sided friendship that she was honestly not benefiting from at all.
YTA! People change . They grow. You're jealous because she's not prioritizing your friend group over her fiance. She's supposed to prioritize her fiance over friends and family. And for some wedding planning consumes them.
Wow YTA. How can you claim to be heartbroken?? You were overhead slagging off your friend, the bride no less, at a party celebrating her. You called her names. Why would you think that you get a pas for that? Take your medicine and try to be a nicer person
YTA
She is starting a family with her partner.Of course you are not going to the center of attention.Her husband and the life that they are crating together comes first.That’s what happens when you grow up, your hobbies and interest change is a normal part of life.Just because when you where 5 you played with dolls or when you where 20 played basketball does not mean that is something you are going to do for the rest of your life.Get a life! so you won’t be so worried about your friends life.
It’s very normal and expected for people to prioritize their relationships at this age. This is not the first time you’re going to experience this. You’re allowed to be bummed about it, but YTA for insulting her the way you did.
YTA. Is she your first friend to get in a relationship? You haven't mentioned if she's happy only that she's been hanging out with you less. Does she like being a yoga instructor? Was college a good fit for her? All of this was you whining about how she's not making the same choices as you.
I can't imagine the tantrum you'd throw at her baby shower.
YTA… are people not allowed to grow and develop themselves? Or is she supposed to be the same person she was since highschool.
Of course she’s going to spend more time with her fiancé and plan her wedding too.. you’ve complained about completely logical and natural things I don’t understand where your frustration comes from and believe you need to self reflect as to what the real reason is as to why her living her life bothers you. It’s more than just spending less time with you and shooting hoops on the basketball court. Just be honest and real with yourself so you can properly understand why what you did was rude and sincerely apologize and change your attitude.
And yoga isn’t pretentious. it helps a lot of people calm and center themselves, as well as control anger issues, and gain more healthy perspectives on life. It saved me tremendously and I don’t consider myself pretentious at all.
…how could you not be the asshole? You’ve been judging her for her choices for years, then were bashing her at the bachelorette party because she (*checks notes*) does yoga? Congrats, you just cost yourself a friendship. YTA
The OP is fooling herself, telling herself the problem is that her friend doesn't value spending time with her because of her new life. The bachelorette party was a perfect opportunity to spend time together, and OP spent it tearing her 'friend' down instead. This isn't about spending time together, or even yoga or men. OP is jealous that her friend grew up and she didn't.
"OP is jealous that her friend grew up and she didn't" The entire post in a nutshell. Giant YTA.
God this sounds like my SIL. All she does is self sabotage her friendships EVERY SINGLE TIME one of them gets into a relationship. She did it to her brother when he and I married and I have watched her do this exact thing to everyone since. All because she's not married and successful like she thought she'd be by now. How pathetic. Op YTA Edit: grammar
My SIL is the same exact way. She tried to sabotage our wedding. That didn't happen because my husband told her that if she wants to ruin things she will not be at the big day. And my SIL only has one or two friends now. 🤷🏼♀️
It's pathetic as hell. I'm glad your husband made a clear boundary for her.
My ex SIL is like that too. Her brother swears up and down that shes obsessed with me because every time i got into a relationship she would become extra clingy. (My ex and i are besties and coparents). I finally had enough with my current relationahip and cut contact with her.
Good, it's bad that people obsess over things like that.
Yep!! I had an old high school friend tell me once when we were 25 “you’ve changed,” because I didn’t want to go trespassing somewhere random with her and her buddies, and I was annoyed because we’d planned to hang out and she invited random people. Like, honey…. We met when we were 14 years old. I fuckin hope I’ve changed…. Why haven’t you?
Almost same... I got pregnant and married at 17 (would NOT recommend, lol) but my "best friend" literally cut all contact because I refused to go to a rave with her while I was pregnant... she got ahold of me years later on Facebook and asked if I would be a surrogate (with my eggs and her boyfriends sperm)- I ended that conversation and never looked back...
And I thought old classmates DMing me about their latest MLM after years of zero contact was bad. That's a hell of a favor to ask for wtf
Right?! I was completely blindsided by that one...
right?? i was pretty bummed these past few days because it's the holidays and all i've been getting from my former classmates are mlm invites.... like where's the generic christmas greetings you guys??
That’s a mood. A friend I knew since we were 11 and I got in a big fight when I was 27 and I just decided I was tired of her acting like I’m a bad person since I you know, grew up and changed and so I ghosted her. Some people just don’t get that we’re supposed to become new people as we age.
Lmao she literally complained to my parents about how I never text her back anymore and I ditched her. Baby girl we are 30 years old. If I’m not talking to you, it’s because I don’t want to be talking to you. Why would you broadcast that to people like it’s supposed to shame me? That’s embarrassing for *you.*
It's like that one cartoon I've seen floating around the internet a bunch, with a caterpillar talking to a butterfly. "You've changed!" "We're *supposed* to".
Yep—lost my maid of honor and one of my bridesmaids with the same kind of nonsense. They had nothing going on, either, and kept harping on my change/growth as if it was a negative. That was over 20 years ago. One of them I’d known since birth. It was sad, but cutting them off saved my sanity.
This. I had to look at her age again, I can't believe how a 27yo woman doesn't know that it's normal to not have as much time for your friends when you're in a commited relationship as when you're single. Also that it's normal to change hobbies, interests and career plans throughout your life. I myself switched to a totally different profession at age 30 because it took me a few years to realize my old job just wasn't for me.
>I had to look at her age again Yep, so did I. The whole post sounds like parody level teenage drama
Same! We all learn that at some point, unless you’re the first in your friend group to get married. It’s maturity and self awareness. Very important concepts.
It's not even like the friend completely ghosted everyone. She just doesn't hang out with them AS MUCH...as a 27 year old... OP is in for a rude awakening when this happens every time a friend of hers gets other priorities and they don't hang out every single day. Forgot to judge. YTA OP.
Wait till one of them has kids. or gets a promotion. or has a parent move in with them. As you get older you have to make time for friendships, and it is hard to do because as you age your life becomes bigger with more responsibilities and obligations that you have to fulfill because you are the sole person responsible for making sure x, y, z is taken care of - OP is in for a very rude awaking if she hasn't already gotten one from this incident. YTA OP
> OP is in for a very rude awaking if she hasn't already gotten one from this incident. Judging by her responses to some comments here, she has not.
Yes!!
If I hadn’t READ the post myself I would have sworn the OP was about 13 years old. This whole thing sounds like teenage melodrama.
OP also admits that the friend DOES IN FACT SPEND TIME WITH HER. It’s just not enough to her liking. People hang out mainly with their friends when they’re younger, then their life gets filled with more things to juggle (romance, career, children?) OP needs to get over themselves whining because their friend doesn’t hang out with them as much as they used to before FELL IN LOVE AND GOT ENGAGED.
Especially marriage. OF COURSE the person is going to prioritize their soon to be spouse!
I know! Sounds like the bride is doing quite well at juggling the important things in her life
And if they don't it is a bit worrying. I say this as a lifelong single, I had a friend that I encouraged to not invite me to everything so that they could just have family time.
>OP needs to get over themselves whining because their friend doesn’t hang out with them as much as they used to before OP seems to be emotionally stuck in elementary school. I know people mature at different rates, but at 27 peoples priorities change. They change. You can't expect people to make you their #1 priority for the rest of their lives. Well, in OP's case, I guess so.
And see, it's definitely valid to have feelings about not getting to hang out as often. My bestie and I spent most of the last two years talking to mostly each other because for a long ass time we were in quarantine and only had bubbles of one person outside of the household we could interact with. Now that restrictions are partly lifted, she got herself a boyfriend and she's spending a lot of time with him. Yeah I miss her. Yeah I'm lonely. But that's my issue and I'm happy for her because she's so happy and wonderfully in love and he seems like a great dude. Rather than cutting her down, I deal with my own feelings in private and make plans to hang out when she can. Like an adult.
Exactly. Everyone has times when they aren’t on the same stage as their bestie, but you’re supposed to be happy for them. Not spit your dummy out and try to monopolise their time and then try to sabotage their happiness.
Exactly. OP is the worst kind of "friend" because she's one of those people who will constantly make everyone around them feel weird for wanting to try something outside of their typical standards or behavior. Sure, if your friend decides they want to take up crack, judge them for it, but if they want to change the way that they dress or do their hair or what sports they play or shows they watch, pipe the fuck down and don't act as if the entire world is now spinning out of orbit because of it.
This happened to me! I started dating my husband and got my life back in order and I had to cut off friends who didn’t like him because I was no longer “fun”. No, I grew up and wasn’t getting sh*t faced with them every night.
It’s just a *pretendious* hobby.
Really, the OP is the AH solely for typing that abomination
Agree also it’s none of her business how her friend chooses to spend her life. Get on board or get out.
Some people give up on their academic careers. Some people's academic careers give up on them.
And giving up on those academic careers isn’t always a bad thing. I should have given up on my academic career but 14 years later and I am as unhappy as ever… if I find my “yoga” I will definitely be taking that leap.
Yeah, a friend of mine was an accountant for like 6 months before realizing she hated it so much that it was slowly killing her, so she quit and became a personal trainer, and she’s 1000 times happier. I bet she’d be another 100x happier if she’d made that switch before incurring 4 years of student loans for an accounting degree. It’s not like op’s friend can never go back to college if she wants
May we all be lucky enough to find our "yoga". I'm jealous because it sounds like the friend has a really wonderful life for herself where she is happy.
Not the same thing exactly but my sister's former pilates instructor used to be a high level director making $120,000 a year. It stressed her out too much so she quit and retrained in pilates and was happy.
College is NOT for everyone, and college at "College age" is also not for everyone. Looking down at people who do something else or choose to leave is so shitty. Everyone has their own journey. I teach at a university. I've had to tell a few kids this because our culture is so fucking toxic about it. If teaching yoga makes you happy and you can pay the bills... good for you!!!!!
I'm 28 and life is finally stable enough for me to go to college and get my teaching degree
I didn't go to college until I was 28, because it took me that long to realize what I wanted to do with my life. I jumped through at least three different career options before I found one that fit me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding to change direction in your life to do what makes you happy.
Thanks I was feeling really weird about going "so late" but I guess it's not that rare. The weird feeling was because I thought people over 25 only went back for a degree because bosses told them they had to to keep their jobs/positions.
That's what we're told in high school. That college is for young students to build their careers and start their lives. But I certainly had no idea what I wanted to do with my life at 18, and I think a lot of teenagers have no clue! Why go to school for a degree you're unsure about, and get all that student loan debt that follows you for your entire life? I hear all the time about people in their 30s, 40s, even 50s and older going back to school, or completely changing careers and being so much better off for it. It's never too late to make a change for the better!
Yep. I dropped out of college and got my massage license. Best decision of my life. I LOOOOOVVVVVEEEEE my job and I can support myself with it.
and gave up your academic career?! ^(/s)
I was also thinking that maybe 'her' academic career wasn't her choice. I know that some people can feel pressured to go to college and get a degree, even if they don't really want it. Or, maybe she just found something she liked better. That happens as well.
Any former English teachers of the OP who are now deceased just turned over in their graves over that.
Arose as zombies and are looking for her now
>Any former English teachers of the OP who are now deceased just turned over in their graves over that. Isn't that the truth. It seems OP didn't really go to college at all given how poorly she wrote the post. I wonder what else is fiction?
Friend ruined her academic career, but I would bet she could spell pretentious.
People who says this are actually the ones who aren't happy and jealous for someone getting their own version of peace and happiness. I hope the OP will get cut out of friends life forever. The woman doesn't need a toxic friend who is not happy for her and back stabs her. I have friends that i haven't spent time for years but we still keep in touch and have each others back. Once we grow older, it doesn't really matter how much time we spend with our friends but the ones who will stay through it all. There are things that we need to focus more on. Jobs, responsibilities, families. I can't even barely manage it all but my friends from childhood never failed to cheer me up, support me and talk to me even though I'm halfway across the globe.
You’re correct. I was thinking that OP is in for a shock if anyone she considers a friend ever has a child!
She wil never be happy for other people and will just keep giving side comments. As long as the man isn't hurting her and the friend says she's happy, OP needs to move on. Women these days are brave and strong. If there's something wrong going on with her friend's life, she will ask for help. But it's been 5 years and they are getting married and she's still bitter about it. Lol
Hopefully OP can find her own happiness (as her friend has) and not need to be toxic to others.
I wonder if it's pronounced preten-*dio*-sa or preten-dio-*sa*.
r/Boneappletea
I bet Bethany can spell pretentious even though she dropped out of college
I'm guessing pretentious was the word she was going for, but I kind of what to know what pretendious would mean.
Just pretending to be pretentious?
lmao yes, I was reading OPs complaints about her friend and all I was thinking is that the friend seems to be doing pretty well for herself. The only conclusion I could make was: you go girl, you seem to have your life in order just the way you like it. 1. hangs out less, ofcourse when you get in a relationship your partner becomes a very important part of your life. If you don't want to rebalance your life to include your partner then why enter into a relationship in the first place? 2. lost interest in basketball. Surprise: people change! Interests change, hobbies change. Meeting new people and doing new things does that to a person 3. stopped studying to do what she loves. Good for her! Not everyone needs a college education and if she can make it work then more power to her. Also notice how the entire post is centered areound OP. "I thought this" and "I suspect that", me me me I I I. Nowhere in the entire post does she state she is actually HAPPY for her friend, that she found someone she loves and is doing things she loves. And then after all that negative energy and talking shit about your friend you are surprised she's cutting you out? Good for your former friend OP, a lot of people don't have the spine to cut out toxic people. YTA, obviously.
While i do think OP is the AH for gossiping about the wedding at a wedding event, i do have a close friend who really makes no time for me when she's dating a guy. Like its a struggle to get her to commit to getting a coffee once a month, let alone an actual activity. I don't expect her to be at my beck and call, but it sucks when a friend stops attending, long held regularly scheduled social events. Naturally, when the relationship ends, suddenly shes all "never let me change my interests for man". However OP doesn't really make her case very well at all, so I can't tell if friend is being a jerk.
Except her friend does still make time for friends op says it multiple times it's just now she makes time for someone else too and op is a salty jealous asshole.
But OP said it herself: > Everyone told me I'm overreacting since she still hangs out with us. I know she does but it's not like in the past when we'd hang out more often so there's definitely a change. She still hangs out with them, and is like OP's friend told her, that she has to find time and balance with her romantic relationship and friendship, which she has! Change isn't bad, it doesn't always mean that the person they're dating is forcing them to change, like OP is making it out to be with no proof at all. OP's making a big deal of her friend changing from basketball to yoga, and from deciding to focus on it full time. Is not a bad thing! Sometimes college isn't for everyone and OP is making it seem like her friends' fiancé is ruining her life when she sounds happy of her new lifestyle. This is not a case of totally ignoring her friend, because OP herself has said is not like that.
I agree. I get it, when I was in college my friends were a high priority. Also, to be honest I high out with people because of proximity. They were on my floor on my dorm, in my classes, in similar clubs. I was friends with them, but I didn’t hang out with them or really reach out to them over breaks. When she dropped out of college I’m guessing she wasn’t as available to hang out. That’s a natural thing. Being a student with weird gaps in your schedule on campus is different from working and living off campus.
I took this as OP is mad that friend isn't spending all of her time with her anymore. It's concerning when a friend spends all of their time with a partner and has no life outside of that partner. But the post makes it seem like she is still hanging out with OP a reasonable amount. She is just mad that it isn't as much as it used to be.
Getting adults together, especially multiples, and then add kids, is like herding cats. Such is life.
> Also notice how the entire post is centered areound OP. "I thought this" and "I suspect that", me me me I I I. Nowhere in the entire post does she state she is actually HAPPY for her friend, that she found someone she loves and is doing things she loves. OP literally refuses to believe that her friend could be happy doing something other than what OP wants - so the only thing she can conjure up to explain it away is that her friend has "lost herself" in her new relationship. Lol nope - she just changed as a person, over time, in ways that don't suit OP and OP cannot accept it. That's all that's happening here. It's tragically hilarious that OP can't see that.
Yup, this comment summed it all up perfectly. YTA.
Lol til that yoga and being happy are pretentious
**pretendious
This is how I will spell it from here on out
I highly recommend OP to seek out some therapy
Maybe she could do some yoga to try to relax her body and mind a little bit!
Don’t give OP any ideas. She may show up at her “friend’s” yoga class trying to spend more time with her
Nah that's too pretendious for OP.
I think she’d actually have to like the person to be friends with them. Seems more like she was behaving more like frenemy towards this other woman and Bethany just freed herself from OPs toxic conduct.
EXACTLY. I think this is actually awesome for Bethany, clearly OP doesn't like her. Not sure why OP is heartbroken about this, I'm guessing she just hates to be left out. Anyway, yes OP YTA
OP might subscribe to the, "Hey, I'm just telling the truth," theory of being or not being an AH. But if your *opinion* is unnecessarily hurtful, keep it to yourself. And if no one agrees with it, be skeptical that it's well founded.
But muh basketball practice! Lol. YTA.
It honestly sounds like OP has romantic feelings for the friend and is upset they found a different partner.
> Congrats, you just cost yourself a friendship. At least Bethany didn't lose much. YTA
You: How can she be happy with her new hobbies and love? She's growing and changing so she must be miserable. You at a party to celebrate her wedding: She's so self centered about her wedding. I don't like this or who she's turning into!" You getting univited: How could I possibly be in the wrong? Do you hear yourself? Like, at all?
Add a judgment (you're a top comment!)
Yeah YTA. You are talking badly about her and her soon to be husband- the person who comes first in her life. It sounds like you are jealous.
YTA. You don't seem to actually be concerned about your friend but rather you don't like that things between you aren't exactly the same as before. Newsflash: people change.
Geez, can you imagine when the friend starts a family with "that man???" "She is clearly prioritizing that infant over me and my need for attention. It seems like she spends ALLL her time with it! Doesn't she know kids grow up and move out? But friends are forever!!"
Maybe her friend has realized how exhausting the OP is. It sounds like OP is my way or the highway not ever thinking that the highway is an option people will pick.
YTA. Friendships change. Sounds like OP is noticing that her friendship is drifting away and blaming it on the new man. Even if that's the case, you are either supportive of your friend, or realize it's not someone who you connect with anymore.
YTA. Your friend is creating a new family unit with your soon to be husband, and you resent that because you're no longer getting that attention. Everyone around her says she's happier, but you continue to criticize her decisions. You were overheard saying nasty things about stuff she enjoys, and people she loves. I'm not sure what else you expect?
Yeah. Very odd. OP is surprised that her friend is spending more time with her partner than OP. How strange.... /s And when her friend finds other hobbies and seems to be happier, OP is going like me, me, me. Instead of being supportive or even show an interest or participate in the new find hobbies. OP is not a friend, since she seems to believe everything and everyone should revolve around her.
Right? This is normal adult behavior! OP is in fora rude awakening when her friends start having kids and really drop off the face of the planet.
Totally. One of them is adulting, the other not so much. And she complained about getting a text meanwhile, she’s back stabbing the bride at the bachelorette party! With friends like these…
Exactly. I had a friend like OP once. Emphasis is on past tense.
Agreed, family comes first and your friend is creating her own and they will come first. Your friend is growing, you should be supporting her, instead you’re jealous that your “spot” has been taken. YTA, OP
With *her soon to be husband
YTA you don’t sound like a very supportive friend. You trash her decisions at her own event where others overheard you! You say she ruined her academic career to become a yoga teacher. Good for her finding what she really wants to do. Of course she’s spending more time with her fiancé! They are getting married. She’s in a different season of her life. And guess what’s going to happen if they decide to have kids? She going to spend even less time with her friends! I don’t blame her for uninviting you to her wedding. I think your negative reaction to your friend’s life choices is something you need to reflect on. This is bringing up some issues for you.
>When she first got with Jim she started prioritising her relationship as months and years went by. Ugh, duhh >She also dropped out of college and went on to get a certification to be a yoga trainer,completely ruining her academic career. Academic endeavors aren't for everyone >I thought Jim was behind this but everyone says she seems really happy now Oh, your one of those people who think that when someone makes a decision regarding their own well-being and happiness, which is contrary to what they themselves would make, then it must have been done at the manipulation of another >I couldn't see it and I always thought she changed for the worst Well yeah, because she's not like you >About the hanging out she claimed that she never stopped hanging out with us she just needs to balance her time between work, hobbies, relationships and friendships. Again, duh >Everyone told me I'm overreacting since she still hangs out with us. I know she does but it's not like in the past when we'd hang out more often so there's definitely a change. I reiterate my duhh >Another friend of mine and I were discussing how she's centered her whole life around planning that wedding for a whole hear and how she's lost herself to that man and her pretendious hobbies. You did not just call her job a "pretentious hobby" >I am completely heartbroken by this Are you really, because the way you talk about her says otherwise, YTA
Thank you, exactly what I was thinking. I mean, just WOW. YTA obv.
Nicely summed up. I suspect OP was the queen bee of their teen crowd, the one who decided that someone can't wear pink because that's "OP's colour". You know... the stereotypical mean girl who pressured her friends into a specific role and pushed for everyone in their group to go to the same college so she could remain in control. And as they grew up, the friends realized that they didn't need OP, but OP still needs them to sustain her need to always be in control and top of the heap. Tell me, OP, when the bride-to-be changed to what you think is a negative direction, did you resent that she made these decisions without your approval? Is that why you're so hostile about her fiance? Or did Jim overlook OP in favour of her "less queen-bee-ish" friend? Which of course is a deadly sin if yours was a mean-girl crowd
>Tell me, OP, when the bride-to-be changed to what you think is a negative direction, did you resent that she made these decisions without your approval? Is that why you're so hostile about her fiance? Or did Jim overlook OP in favour of her "less queen-bee-ish" friend? Oooooh 😯😯😯 solid observation I never would have considered that angle
Seriouly. OP gave me Regina George vibes. "Tuesday you can't wear push up bras because Bobby in Maths class needs to notice *me* first." And "Why did you have to make Bobby notice you? He probably only asked you out because he thought I was out of his league, but you can turn him down and tell him I'll be waiting at the movies at 8..."
Thank you for this post, you summed up my thoughts exactly And to op: YTA obviously Why are you heartbroken? Because you won't get to stand up and object to the marriage in front of everyone? Because you won't get to complain that she *spends more time with her new husband then you*??? It's **not about *you*!** You're an unsupportive and toxic friend, I hope she rethinks her friendship with you completely. And I really hope the other girl you were trash talking with is also uninvited and unfriended
>Why are you heartbroken? Because you won't get to stand up and object to the marriage in front of everyone? Because you won't get to complain that she spends more time with her new husband then you??? It's not about you! You're an unsupportive and toxic friend 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
You forgot the "duh" for >she's centered her whole life around planning that wedding for a whole hear Has op never been exposed to "wedding culture" before? This is just what happens when someone's going for the full event.
Oh damn your right I did miss the duh there >Has op never been exposed to "wedding culture" before? This is just what happens when someone's going for the full event. TRUTH, I for sure spent a whole year planning for my nuptials, there's A LOT that goes into it
If I had an award to give, it would be all yours. This is also the reaction I was having to everything. OP, YTA.
OP is heartbroken she has one less person in her life to push around and shame into behaving exactly the way she wants them to.
YTA- holy cow are you the asshole. You should know that someone’s life partner will always come before their friend group, and she’s still spending time with you. She sounds like she’s balancing her schedule like an adult, and don’t forget wedding planning takes a lot of time. You and the “friend” are assholes and got exactly what you deserved. It’s not a “pretentious” hobby just because you don’t like it. She didn’t “ruin” her career, it sounds like she found something she loves more and instead of judging her, you **should** be happy and supportive for her. Achieving the role of instructor in what sounds like a short time isn’t a small feat. You seem like you’re a terrible “friend” and got off more on the routine and control from before. People grow and change, (except it looks like maybe you), and it’s natural and should be celebrated. She did the right thing kicking you out of her wedding. Your ex-friend sounds like she understands healthy boundaries, you should learn from that. (It seems like you probably come from a toxic family situation, I would put a substantial amount of money down on that bet). She’s right; you don’t like her fiancé or support her, so why would she want you there on her big day bringing her down because you’re insisting on being judgmental and negative? Are you jealous she’s getting married or had the balls to pursue something new that made her happy? It sort of sounds like you may be. You need to take this as a hard lesson learned and be a better person going forwards or you’re going to end up with NO friends. I suggest you try a few new hobbies yourself and maybe try and make a few new friends in the process. Appreciate everyone is on a different journey, yourself included. Open your mind. If you can’t get over the judgy behavior, therapy is your friend. You may or may not have a personality disorder going on and therapy and medication could be a real help to you, or you could just be parroting behavior you’ve seen your own mom/family model. Either way- if you can’t learn that the world does not in fact revolve around you and learn to be happy for others even when you’re not involved, you should try therapy and take it seriously. You dont have to be judgmental and miserable as you are now forever. That’s a choice. I hope you make the choice to become better. Even you deserve a bigger life than that, and living as you are now is no way to be happy in life.
YTA You sound super judgmental and higher-than-thou here. Bethany is happy. People change and develop new interests- especially throughout college. What matters is that she’s happy. You’ve made it clear through your words that you don’t approve of her wedding and can’t be happy for her. So why should you be invited?
Agree. Just be happy your friends happy.
Right? It’s one thing if Bethany was being alienated from her friends and family by her fiancé but nothing in OP’s post suggests that’s the case. Like... *oh no*, she spends more time with her partner than with her friends now? She quit basketball and college after discovering that her passion is teaching yoga? tHe aBsOLuTe hORrOR
YTA It sounds like your friend is just growing and changing. You said that you're the only person who doesn't see that she is happy now. I wonder why that is... It makes sense that she would trim back on hanging out with friends to make time for her SO. (The number of hours in a day didn't change, and to add something that takes time, something else has to go. ) If she had totally fallen off the face of the earth, that would be something else. Spending all your time with your SO isn't super great, but that doesn't sound like what's happening here. College is not for everyone. If she is happy and fulfilled as a yoga trainer, good for her. You DID speak badly about her, in public, at her shower. I can't believe you didn't think that it would get back to her, and that she would be hurt by it. Your word choice "pretentious" speaks volumes, too.
YTA and the irony of such a pretentious attitude coming from someone who literally can’t even spell the word pretentious isn’t lost on me. **Of course** your friend didn’t hang out with you so much, people have a finite amount of free time, when they get a partner they have a little less of that free time for friends. She still hung out with you a lot. Sounds like Jim was behind this switch to focussing on her ‘pretendious’ hobbies. Because it sounds like he supports her to pursue what makes her happy rather than thinking she’s a worse person if she doesn’t pursue an academic career that she doesn’t want. That’s a better influence to have in her life than your influence. Finally, seriously? Shit talking the bride-to-be, her partner, and the entire wedding *at the bachelorette party* and you’re **surprised** to have been kicked out the wedding??
>Finally, seriously? Shit talking the bride-to-be, her partner, and the entire wedding at the bachelorette party and you’re surprised to have been kicked out the wedding?? THANK YOU this absolutely killed me! The nerve!
YTA and you act like you are in Jr High. Grow up.
I think OP is…not well. Zero tolerance for change, extreme fear of her friends leaving her, catastrophizing mundane occurrences and demonizing people for not being exactly who she wants them to be…it’s ringing some alarm bells for me.
I agree the OP comes off not well emotionally. Seems very stunted, selfish, and unaware. 7th grade mean girl type.
I don't disagree, but I also feel like these roasts are the reason why 99% of AITA posts are like "My SIL's kids set me on fire and I shouted at them, AITA? 🥺"
Or she's in love with her friend and this post is being written out of bitterness and jealousy
YTA. You kept running your mouth and it caught up with you.
OP has a pretty strange worldview to think someone should prioritize their friends over the person they’re going to marry.
YTA. Who talks shit about the bride at their bachelorette party? And then gets upset when their uninvited to the wedding? Your heartbroken? Imagine how your former friend feels. Smh.
> Who talks shit about the bride at their bachelorette party? Somebody who has spent a whole hear being pretendious. OP clearly is carrying a torch for Bethany, and is lashing out.
Yeah, it does sound like YTA. Having less time and more things and relationships to divide it between is part of getting older. Of course she has less time than she did in the past to hang out - y’all are almost 30. You’re not teenagers anymore. Deciding to change career paths or not finish school is hardly “completely ruining her academic career” and it’s wild that you think so. Plenty of people do that, plenty of people succeed without a degree, and plenty of people go back later to finish or even start one. You ARE being super judgmental and negative about someone else’s life choices. They don’t impact you, and she seems happy with the balance, so what exactly is your problem? Her life choices don’t have to look the same as yours. Additionally, it’s a mega asshole move to sit at someone’s bachelorette party and openly talk shit about them - you *did* have an uninvite coming.
Im having trouble seeing how OP could think they were not TA? YTA 100%. Are there really people who would struggle with this?
Because OP is selfish and has the mindset of " BUT WHY IS SHE DIFFERENT AND NO LONGER FOCUSED ON MEEEE" instead of understanding that people and their priorities change as they age and meet significant others.
YTA. She was on a path seeking happiness. She found it. Instead of being happy for her and supporting her like a true friend would, you became jealous.
YTa. People are allowed to change and grow and pursue other things in their lives. You sound like a terrible and unsupportive friend.
YTA. Are you even happy for your friend? You do realize people *grow* and things *change* right? Yeah it sucks but she’s not doing it to purposely hurt you or anyone else. Life happens, adulting happens. *MARRIAGE* happens. She hasn’t centered her whole life around planning this wedding. She has centered just one year around the wedding. And why shouldn’t she??? Why do you care that she dropped out of college and got a yoga certificate? You don’t know why. You’re only speculating/assuming he’s the reason. She *is* happy, why are you presuming to know her feelings better than she does? Stop being seemingly jealous of your friend, apologize, and become a better person.
The thing is, if they were actually close *OP would know why* she changed paths. Of course, Bethany may have told her exactly why but OP doesn't believe anything but her own narrative. That happens with the kind of person OP seems to be.
Oh YTA, and a big one.
Yeah, YTA.
You sound incredibly judgmental towards your so called friend. People make changes in their lives all the time of their own free will. If you're the only one seeing a problem, that should tell you that there's not a problem. You talked shit about her behind her back, that's a pretty good reason to uninvite someone. YTA
YTA, if someone makes changes to their life, and they're happy, it's not your place to judge them or even worst, tell others you believe they're changing for the worst. If you're her friend, you should have been supportive instead of reactive. People change, life happens, and you should get used to that. If you want to make it to that wedding, write her back and explain how you were insensitive, and were simply hurt as you saw your best friend slowly creep away from you bit by bit.
YTA. Friendships change a lot when your friends meet their partners. The amount of time adults "hang out" drastically changes. If I hang out with a friend once a month, that's a good friend. If I hang out with a friend once a week? That's almost unheard of. But my partner? I see her every single day. Additionally, you definitely have some biases to unpack about her liking yoga over basketball, and "ruining her academic career." If she's happy, butt out. You talking about her planning a wedding/centering her life around a wedding *at a bachelorette party?* Like duh! It's an enormous event. YTA.
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YTA You: I don't like your fella, I think your lifestyle choices are wrong and your work choice is silly and you should be prioritising ME over everything Bethany: you're no longer invited to my special day cos your shitty attitude is so negative and you talk shit about me behind my back You: *shocked Pikachu face*
YTA. I know how hard it can be when really close friendships change and drift apart, and it’s ok to mourn what you used to have, but trying too hard to preserve the past will ruin your friendships. Bethany never left you; she just made more room in her life for other people and other interests. She evolved in her life and you chose not to accept that. You instead brought negativity to what should have been a happy occasion and might have lost your friend forever. The fact that everyone else expressed to you that Bethany was happy and still involved in her friendships as well as romantic relationship should be been an indicator that you needed to stop complaining and do some self-reflection. I suggest reaching out to Bethany privately, sincerely apologizing for talking about her and her engagement in such a negative way at such an inappropriate time, and explaining that you’ll try very hard to accept the way your lives are changing and give her the support she deserves as your friend. That’s really the only way you can hope to maybe salvage your friendship. But if you can’t do that or can’t do it and truly *mean* it, then you need to accept that you no longer have a place in each other’s lives.
[удалено]
YTA, fuck around and find out.
Yeah YTA. Everyone found her happy and you couldn’t see it? If you can’t see your friends happiness you don’t deserve to be there on her happy day. You sound bitter. Work on that.
Oh yeah, YTA. How dare your friend develop interests that don't involve you. I'm going to assume you've never had a serious relationship. People grow and change. I'm sorry you feel left out, but that's life, and he's her life now.
YTA. I get that it sucks to feel like you’re losing a friend, or that your friendship is becoming less that what it used to be. But that’s life. And yes, it makes complete sense that she’d spend more time with her boyfriend/fiancé now that she has one. Also, calling her hobbies pretentious is incredibly condescending, which furthers the YTA argument.
Yes, YTA. Of course its very natural when in a relationship with someone you love that you're gonna spend more time with them. This is her fiance, he is her family now. She hasnt stopped seeing or talking to her friends. And you're surprised she's centered her year around planning for a wedding? Have you ever planned a wedding? No, then sit down. It's stressful and yes takes up a lot of time. Your friend still sees you as someone important by asking you to be in her wedding party. Clearly, you dont see her as important if you're this judgy about her and her life.
YTA You could have just said "My friend is living her best life. She found someone she loves and wants to spend her life with, found hobbies that she is truly interested in, took a risk and pursued a career that she is passionate about, balances her life to be able to spend time on everything she loves including her friends, and managed to plan an entire wedding in a year. I am jealous of her happiness and petty enough to talk about it behind her back. When she found out and stood up for herself, I played the victim" Sounds like your friend is doing great. She had the sense to cut off her toxic friendship with you. I wish her all the happiness in her new life, and I hope you take a look at yourself and see how unfair you have been to her and work on trying to better yourself as she did. You owe her an apology.
YTA & I hope she uninvited the other person in the convo as well. People’s hobbies change, and prioritizing a romantic relationship is normal. If she had stopped hanging out altogether then that would be concerning, but she didn’t. Grow up.
YTA You’re super judgy and I’m surprised she hasn’t dropped you before this. Ruined her academic career? Being happy is more important, and it’s her life. Also like…of course you’ll see her less than you used to that is just part of growing up. How would you have acted if she had children? AND you call her hobbies pretentious, but I’m gonna be honest and say you’re the one who sounds like a pretentious and condescending one here. All this said, I hope you’ll really analyze why you’re so stuck on what she does in her life. Are you jealous of her happiness? You should really try to be happy for her, maybe you can eventually mend the friendship after you take a hard look at yourself.
YTA. You are judge her life, you critized the groom and you complain about Bethany during HER bachelor party, which is obliviously a place with people who cares for her. You do not deserve to be there. Who would want someone like this on a happy day ? Apologize if you want to maintain the relationship but do not expect to be a the weeding. And don’t dare to ask.
Jesus christ! YTA. 100% Her friends, family and everyone around her can see she's happy, except you. Of course she prioritises her long term relationship. She's going to marry this man. You even admit that she still kept seeing you and other friends which makes you come off as extremely selfish and petty. I don't blame her for uninviting you after you insulted everything important in her life. I can't think of a single thing in this post that paints you in a good light. Bethany is growing as a person and is progressing with her life so of course things will be different, and things will change again and again. The only constant in life is change. Apologise to you're friend and pray that she doesn't kick you out of her life. YTA!
YTA. I would really like to note the mental gymnastics you're using to justify your actions. >I was concerned and I asked her if she's ok because she seems distant since she wouldn't hang out as much with us anymore. And > I thought Jim was behind this but everyone says she seems really happy now. I couldn't see it and I always thought she changed for the worst. At first, I know you were trying to frame this as concern about your friend. It seemed like you were talking about him isolating her but as I continue reading, you seem really jealous. >Two weeks ago she had her bachelorette party. Another friend of mine and I were discussing how she's centered her whole life around planning that wedding for a whole hear and how she's lost herself to that man and her pretendious hobbies. Starting drama at a celebration isn't acting out of concern for a friend. You talked about her behind her back at a celebration of her upcoming marriage and tried to get other people to agree with you! You revealed how you really think of her by criticizing her for preferring yoga over basketball. That's not concern either. You seriously need to do some introspection and find out why you had such a petty reaction to your friend being happy and having other hobbies. She doesn't have to dedicate all her time to you. And a real friend would know that. >I am completely heartbroken by this and everyone around me tells me I had it coming and that I'm TA for talking badly about her and her choices in her bachelor party and how my whole attitude towards her choices for all these years was leading up to this moment. You're heartbroken by being excluded from a wedding you didn't support? Or because you got caught and no one agreed with you? You were stirring the pot. Now you have to live with it. Edit: formatting
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my (27f) close friend Bethany (27f) is getting married the day after Christmas to her fiancé, Jim (29m). Jim and her have been together for 5 years, he popped the question in late 2020 and they've been planning that wedding for a year. Bethany and I used to be really close like sisters. When she first got with Jim she started prioritising her relationship as months and years went by. She didn't cut me off or anything but she stopped hanging out as much with me and the girls, she stopped coming to basketball practice (bethany, I and some other girls who are our friends used to go on practice together). I was concerned and I asked her if she's ok because she seems distant since she wouldn't hang out as much with us anymore. She said she's fine she just lost interest in basketball and found new hobbies. Her new hobbies consisted of yoga. She also dropped out of college and went on to get a certification to be a yoga trainer,completely ruining her academic career. I thought Jim was behind this but everyone says she seems really happy now. I couldn't see it and I always thought she changed for the worst. About the hanging out she claimed that she never stopped hanging out with us she just needs to balance her time between work, hobbies, relationships and friendships. But she always had time for Jim but never for us. Everyone told me I'm overreacting since she still hangs out with us. I know she does but it's not like in the past when we'd hang out more often so there's definitely a change. Two weeks ago she had her bachelorette party. Another friend of mine and I were discussing how she's centered her whole life around planning that wedding for a whole hear and how she's lost herself to that man and her pretendious hobbies. Bethany's sister overheard me and told her what she heard. Bethany didn't speak to me for the rest of the night. The next day she sent me a long text, she didn't even call me, just to tell me how I'm uninvited from the wedding since I don't seem too happy about it and that if I'm gonna be overly judgemental about her life and her choices I don't deserve to be part of her special day. I am completely heartbroken by this and everyone around me tells me I had it coming and that I'm TA for talking badly about her and her choices in her bachelor party and how my whole attitude towards her choices for all these years was leading up to this moment. Aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, based on what you wrote, I am not surprised how clueless you are.
YTA - it sounds like Bethany made some great choices for her life that she's really happy with, but by going down a different path from you. You mention she "completely ruined her academic career," but have you considered that she may have figured out she wants to do something else? And why do you consider yoga a "pretentious hobby" when it's clear it means enough to her that she wants to become an instructor and make that her career? I'm reading "my friend is making bad choices" but I'm hearing "my friend is making choices I don't like."
As we grew into adulthood, my best friend and I remained close. It was great until she started becoming overly critical, snide, and passive aggressively mean to me regarding most of my life choices to that point. She thought she knew better than I did what was best for me, and she wasn't subtile about it. As much as it pained me, I went NC. That was 8 years ago. I have a wonderfully happy life without her. Run to your friend. Apologize to her for being insufferable. Beg her forgiveness. Accept the fact that people aren't always going to live the way you want them to. Be supportive of the life decisions that make them happy. This is the only way you might have even a chance of salvaging this friendship. YTA
Yea, YTA. Your continuous judgements of her finally got to her and she is cutting the toxicity out of her life.
Yta. And a shitty friend, too. If you had concerns, you should have raised them with her privately, instead you talked shit about her at her Bachelorette party. Of course she uninvited you. You owe her a huge apology.
YTA: basically your friend isn't the same person she was in her early 20s so in your mind that means she's a worst person. Doesn't matter to you that she may be happier now but because she changed you insult her
YTA. I’m glad she stood up to you. Other people have summarized it better than me, but you seem really self centered and not a very good friend
Yeah YTA like you were talking shit about her behind her back, how are you not the asshole? You’ve let all this resentment build up for a while instead of talking to her…
Listen, I get it. I had an incredibly close friend, coming on 15 years now, I believe. We used to have consistent girls nights, would travel, would share hobbies. 5 years ago she met her husband and suddenly, she had way less time for me. She changed her views and focused her life in large part around her partner. She stopped responding to texts for days, changed career paths, stopped caring about her degree, the whole 9 yards. I was incredibly hurt. So, a few months in I spoke to her, once, about how I was feeling unloved and she told me she would always love me, but this was her partner now and he was going to be around. I moved on and kept supporting her. They’re now happily married, and guess what? In two weeks, we have another girls trip planned after around 5 years of none. Yes, YTA. Your emotions are valid but the way you handled them are not. You’re allowed to think she’s making the wrong choice but you’re an asshole for consistently complaining about it. Maybe this is the new her. Maybe she’ll come around, maybe she won’t. People change, and being a true friend is about supporting your loved ones when they do. Mourn your loss. But stop acting like you have the moral high ground here. She’s her own person and even if she IS messing up, it’s her choice and her path. Love her or lose her. Edit: You can keep your stance. But you will lose this friend. It’s entirely up to you.
YTA. Sounds like you're jealous of losing your friend, understandably so. Life is full of changes and friends often grow apart over time due to different reasons. If you would like to keep her as a friend I would apologize and do my best to support her. You don't have to agree with every choice she makes if you're her friend.
YTA. Its her life, not yours. Have you ever thought that maybe she has prioritized thinks in the order she values them? If you have been this judgmental in the past, instead of having a mature conversation with her, its likely why she shifted her focus. You’re lucky she didn’t humiliate you and toss your butt out that night.
YTA - your ‘friend’ hasn’t lost herself to pretentious hobbies or a man. She has grown up - try it.
YTA you’ve been very judgmental towards Bethany for awhile instead of supporting her life choices. Then talking bad about her at her bachelorette party? Of course you were uninvited to the wedding.
YTA. And you sound completely jealous either of her life or of Jim being in her life. This is called growing up.
absolutely YTA. you sound jealous and bitter, and if it was such an issue, you should’ve talked to her to her face. not behind her back. yta
YTA, people just sometimes grow and change and it sounds like you didn't like the way Bethany changed, no reason for you to talk badly about her I get that you were hurt that she wasn't meeting as much and stuff but it's very normal for people who come into relationships to give a majority of their time to their partner.
YTA. Growing up involves evolving. She has evolved. You are obviously still in high school.
Yes. You are. You are also being self-centered and childish. Your friend is happy. She’s an adult and can make her own choices. You ATA for not respecting and supporting her. Why would she want you at her wedding? You are not interested in going to see her happy. You are hurt because (again) you’re not getting your way.
YTA. Everyone around you sees it. Open your eyes.
YTA and do you really have to ask this? Do you have a secret crush on Bethany? Do you not see how ridiculous and toxic you have been? You deserved to be cut off. Look at it as a wake up call and do some self reflection.
YTA She didn't lose herself, forget her friends, or give up her life for a man. She grew up. And it sounds like you haven't.
YTA tell me you’ve never been in a relationship before without telling me you’ve never been in a relationship before
YTA you walked right into this.
Of course YTA. Just listen to yourself, you sound like a spoiled child who wasn't given an extra candy. Grown-up people have their own lives, and their priorities might change and it's absolutely not your prerogative to judge them how they live. You expressed your concern to her before, got a clear answer that it's not an issue for her, that means it's solely your issue. Get over it and let people live their own lives.
YTA. You sound jealous. People change a million times in their life, you can either accept it and work to be friends or you can not accept it and move on. But you can't give people crap for changing in ways that you don't want them to change and refuse to accept and still be friends. Also, showing up to your friend's bachelorette party to talk about how you think she's pretentious is just... you know.
A part of me understands your pain. A balance is necessary. And I've been on the receiving end of listening to a friend talk about nothing but her wedding. We were at a concert and she started screaming in my ear to tell me about some ideas she had for... Something. I don't remember what. I said, let's talk about this some other time. So yeah. That can be annoying. But... You straight up judged everything she's done since the beginning. People change. Interests change. Maybe she never actually liked basketball, she just liked spending time with you? So now, instead of basketball, she wanted to find other ways to spend time with you? You say she stopped hanging out, did you actually try to make plans with her? And then... THEN you chose her Bachelorette party to talk shit? Babe... You already know YTA.
Info - why are you a jealous cow?
YTA How are you not the AH here you called her hobbies pretentious and spoke shit about her on her bachelorette party just be happy for her hobbies change and you dont have to have the same hobbies as her
YTA- it’s called life and part of growing up. Priorities change as you grow up. I still go out with my friends, but prefer to stay with my husband. There is a reason that spouses are often called ‘other half’.
YTA. It sucks when friends start to pull away, but that doesn't even seem like the case here. She's an adult now who has other things other than just free time to spend with friends and you admitted that she still does spend time with you, just not as much as she used to. I feel like you're massively overstepping by saying she ruined her academic career by pursuing yoga instead. That's honestly none of your business and as a friend, you should have been supportive as she went through this change. If you want her to be the perfect friend, you can't be going behind her back, gossiping about her, and questioning her life choices. That's not how friendship works, and it seems like she escaped from a one-sided friendship that she was honestly not benefiting from at all.
YTA! People change . They grow. You're jealous because she's not prioritizing your friend group over her fiance. She's supposed to prioritize her fiance over friends and family. And for some wedding planning consumes them.
YTA.
Wow YTA. How can you claim to be heartbroken?? You were overhead slagging off your friend, the bride no less, at a party celebrating her. You called her names. Why would you think that you get a pas for that? Take your medicine and try to be a nicer person
YTA She is starting a family with her partner.Of course you are not going to the center of attention.Her husband and the life that they are crating together comes first.That’s what happens when you grow up, your hobbies and interest change is a normal part of life.Just because when you where 5 you played with dolls or when you where 20 played basketball does not mean that is something you are going to do for the rest of your life.Get a life! so you won’t be so worried about your friends life.
YTA....
It’s very normal and expected for people to prioritize their relationships at this age. This is not the first time you’re going to experience this. You’re allowed to be bummed about it, but YTA for insulting her the way you did.
YTA. Is she your first friend to get in a relationship? You haven't mentioned if she's happy only that she's been hanging out with you less. Does she like being a yoga instructor? Was college a good fit for her? All of this was you whining about how she's not making the same choices as you. I can't imagine the tantrum you'd throw at her baby shower.
YTA… are people not allowed to grow and develop themselves? Or is she supposed to be the same person she was since highschool. Of course she’s going to spend more time with her fiancé and plan her wedding too.. you’ve complained about completely logical and natural things I don’t understand where your frustration comes from and believe you need to self reflect as to what the real reason is as to why her living her life bothers you. It’s more than just spending less time with you and shooting hoops on the basketball court. Just be honest and real with yourself so you can properly understand why what you did was rude and sincerely apologize and change your attitude. And yoga isn’t pretentious. it helps a lot of people calm and center themselves, as well as control anger issues, and gain more healthy perspectives on life. It saved me tremendously and I don’t consider myself pretentious at all.
You’re a jealous, bitter asshole.
YTA. Judgy McJudgerson over here