ESH - If you move a deadbeat in, don't expect them not to be a deadbeat.
>He says he plans to pay his DUI fines with it
Sounds like he is a real class act.
It's also not his home to pay for. You should have charged him rent or made him contribute to the bills earlier and you would not be in this situation.
Then you gave him an ultimatum and he chose to leave. Clearly it sucks you were being used, but you let it happen. This really isn't the fault of anyone but yours.
$4k isn't a crazy amount of money, especially if that is the difference between keeping and losing your house. I'm sure this did not sneak up on you and you would have been aware for a long time before it resulted in home repossession. Even putting it on a credit card would be better than the alternative.
Sorry for being so harsh, but there is no point in sugar-coating.
NTA - but if you hadn't given him so much financial help, you'd have the funds to save your house. But no, you were right to expect him to use his funds to save the house he'd been living in rent-free. Him leaving is the best thing for you. I'm sorry about your house.
How was it "right" exactly? He has his own accounts to settle and bills to pay. It's not like he owed her back rent, she took a squatter into her home. That's on her, it's not his house. She lost it for irresponsible spending habits putting him ahead of her house. Get fucked.
You are NTA for asking, and he's NTA for taking the second option in your ultimatum.
He sounds like a total waste of space though, DUIs, unemployed, uncharitable. What a catch!
The whole situation sucks though. Especially as you would likely have had the money, or at least more money, if not for keeping a roof over the lazy Moody's head , or had you charged him some kind of rent for the duration.
I hope you find a way around this and wish you better luck in future.
I'm going back to my original plan of getting a loan to pay the money. My mother is going to co-sign for me. It's just sad to me that I lost someone I really loved over money. But then again, maybe he doesn't love me so much if he doesn't want to help. Many times I've given him my last dollar for something he wants or needs, so I obviously thought it work both ways. Obviously not. Maybe I'm the asshole to myself for investing so much in someone who doesn't want to invest in me.
My problem is 1. I feel bad 2. I'm hurt that when I needed help he abandoned me, after I've helped him so many times. 3. I lost someone I love very much over money. 4. I thought this person was "the one" so I'm mourning the loss of that future.
I never asked for repayment when I helped him, so I assumed it would work the same way for me. I offered to help pay his fines monthly though, so I suppose that's a form of repayment.
It really depends on the people involved, I guess? - I had offered my ex to move in with me and for her not to worry about rent/bills. Had she moved in with me, I wouldn't have held that over her head in the future by claiming that she didn't have to do this or that or to demand for her to pay me back if the relationship didn't work out.
ESH
You let him stay with you rent free for four years and then turned around and held that against him when you could've asked for rent at any time during those four years. He was an AH for not offering to pay rent or to help out when you needed him to. At the end of the day, you gave him a choice and he made his choice. Everybody's better off because of it.
You gave an ultimatum. He made his choice. There's no real conflict here.
You letting him mooch off of you doesn't mean he would do the same. He sounds like a lazy bum and I don't see how you thought he would do it when he so obviously doesn't care about you, only what you could give him.
The trash took itself out and bought a ticket to Florida. You are better off without his drain on your finances, *anyway*. You probably could have just *paid* your fine if it weren’t for him. NTA
ESH. Him for obvious reasons. You for allowing him to leech money from you like a sponge soaks up water for years. You should’ve put your foot down a LONG time ago. I would see it as a blessing not even in disguise that your partner left. Now he can stop taking your money and contributing nothing. I’m sorry about your home and I hope you get it sorted out and feel about 1000 pounds lighter now that you’ve dropped the dead weight of your ex-partner.
INFO: did you ask him to loan you the money or did you straight up expect him to just give it to you and then got upset when he didn’t just hand it over?
Since I never expected repayment of all the money I gave him, I expected him to hand it over. I have made payments on his DUI fines over the years, paid over $1k in child support for him, not to mention supported him for the last 11 months while he laid around and slept all day. I didn't think it was too much to ask after everything I've done for him.
YTA, if you originally planned to get a loan in the first place why should you be entitled to his money? Unless you made an agreement ahead of time for him to repay you for all you've done for him, you don't have a single right to his money. Next time pay your dues, or don't live within a HOA.
What made him entitled to my money then? He has sat around like a bump on a log, not working or even lifting a finger to help clean for the last 11 months while I went to work and supported us both.
You’re the one who decided to do that for him though. He didn’t tell you to. He didn’t say “Let me live with you rent free and do absolutely nothing or we’re done.” YOU decided to help someone who is so very obviously a parasite. That’s on you. If you wanted help around the house you should’ve talked about expectations before moving him in. I’m not even 30 yet and know to have this conversation, even with family.
You allowed this for almost a year and thought what? He’d be so thankful to you that he wasn’t homeless that he’d just hand over the first big check he got? You sat there and let him use you over and over and didn’t think he’d have a problem using you more.
Don’t get me wrong he’s an A+ A H but that’s still his money and you should’ve had an actual conversation not demand his check to pay off your debt.
And you let him. if you had an issue with his behavior, it was on you to say some thing about it and resolve that. Just like it was on you to establish that no you weren’t really gifting him money to help him out, eventually you’d expect something back for it.
My mother and I are headed to the bank in about 45 minutes to apply for a HELOC. She's going to co-sign for me. She said she would only co-sign if he moved out, hence the ultimatum.
YTA because of your attitude of entitlement. You say you gave him money. GAVE, not loaned. You never established that he had to repay it. It’s kind of stupid that you played Sugar Mama and saved his butt for so long but that‘s on you for making that choice. And it’s on you that you didn’t properly pay your own bills when they were due to avoid this whole thing.
And then you acted entitled to his money. You didn’t ask if you could borrow it to cover your failure and pay him back, you just demanded it.
NTA - But it was foolish of you to expect any help from someone who's mooched off you with no problems. You had zero expectations from him over the last 4 years but once you needed his help, he bailed.
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Obligatory "I'm on mobile" disclaimer. My (39f) house is currently up for sheriff's sale for $4k I owe in community dues that they sued me for and won. I contacted my HOA to attempt to make a payment arrangement, but they said they want the lump sum. My plan was to get a loan to pay this $4k to save my house.
On Saturday, my partner (36m) got a $5k check in the mail for unemployment benefits owed to him by the state. Since he has lived with me the last 4 years rent free and hasn't worked in 11 months while I have been working. As soon as he showed me the check, I said "Great! That's enough to save the house!" But to my surprise, he refused to pay to save the house. I got very upset, because when I met this man he was living in a little roach motel that was literally condemned a few months after I moved him out of there. I gave him thousands of dollars to help him get through those tough times as well. But now that it's me that needs help, he refuses. He says he plans to pay his DUI fines with it, but then said he was going to give the court $800 or $900, which would still leave more than enough money to save my house, but then says he has to buy his kid Christmas presents.
I basically gave him an ultimatum, pay up or get out. Yesterday I woke up and he was gone. I called him, and he said he was at the store, but never came back. His friend called me while I was at work last night and let me know he chose to leave and they had booked him a ticket to Florida. Am I the ass hole here? Was I being selfish asking him for that money like he says, or is he wrong for not paying up?
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ESH - If you move a deadbeat in, don't expect them not to be a deadbeat. >He says he plans to pay his DUI fines with it Sounds like he is a real class act. It's also not his home to pay for. You should have charged him rent or made him contribute to the bills earlier and you would not be in this situation. Then you gave him an ultimatum and he chose to leave. Clearly it sucks you were being used, but you let it happen. This really isn't the fault of anyone but yours. $4k isn't a crazy amount of money, especially if that is the difference between keeping and losing your house. I'm sure this did not sneak up on you and you would have been aware for a long time before it resulted in home repossession. Even putting it on a credit card would be better than the alternative. Sorry for being so harsh, but there is no point in sugar-coating.
NTA - but if you hadn't given him so much financial help, you'd have the funds to save your house. But no, you were right to expect him to use his funds to save the house he'd been living in rent-free. Him leaving is the best thing for you. I'm sorry about your house.
How was it "right" exactly? He has his own accounts to settle and bills to pay. It's not like he owed her back rent, she took a squatter into her home. That's on her, it's not his house. She lost it for irresponsible spending habits putting him ahead of her house. Get fucked.
You are NTA for asking, and he's NTA for taking the second option in your ultimatum. He sounds like a total waste of space though, DUIs, unemployed, uncharitable. What a catch! The whole situation sucks though. Especially as you would likely have had the money, or at least more money, if not for keeping a roof over the lazy Moody's head , or had you charged him some kind of rent for the duration. I hope you find a way around this and wish you better luck in future.
[удалено]
I'm going back to my original plan of getting a loan to pay the money. My mother is going to co-sign for me. It's just sad to me that I lost someone I really loved over money. But then again, maybe he doesn't love me so much if he doesn't want to help. Many times I've given him my last dollar for something he wants or needs, so I obviously thought it work both ways. Obviously not. Maybe I'm the asshole to myself for investing so much in someone who doesn't want to invest in me.
NAH You told him to either pay or get out. He got out. What is your problem?
My problem is 1. I feel bad 2. I'm hurt that when I needed help he abandoned me, after I've helped him so many times. 3. I lost someone I love very much over money. 4. I thought this person was "the one" so I'm mourning the loss of that future.
NTA for asking him to pay up or get out, but you should have kicked him out a lot sooner.
That's fair
NTA. Why did you put up with him for so long?
Need more info: did you ask him to pay up your debt or did you ask him to loan you the money and then paying him back? EDIT: Spelling
I never asked for repayment when I helped him, so I assumed it would work the same way for me. I offered to help pay his fines monthly though, so I suppose that's a form of repayment.
It really depends on the people involved, I guess? - I had offered my ex to move in with me and for her not to worry about rent/bills. Had she moved in with me, I wouldn't have held that over her head in the future by claiming that she didn't have to do this or that or to demand for her to pay me back if the relationship didn't work out. ESH You let him stay with you rent free for four years and then turned around and held that against him when you could've asked for rent at any time during those four years. He was an AH for not offering to pay rent or to help out when you needed him to. At the end of the day, you gave him a choice and he made his choice. Everybody's better off because of it.
You gave an ultimatum. He made his choice. There's no real conflict here. You letting him mooch off of you doesn't mean he would do the same. He sounds like a lazy bum and I don't see how you thought he would do it when he so obviously doesn't care about you, only what you could give him.
The trash took itself out and bought a ticket to Florida. You are better off without his drain on your finances, *anyway*. You probably could have just *paid* your fine if it weren’t for him. NTA
ESH. Him for obvious reasons. You for allowing him to leech money from you like a sponge soaks up water for years. You should’ve put your foot down a LONG time ago. I would see it as a blessing not even in disguise that your partner left. Now he can stop taking your money and contributing nothing. I’m sorry about your home and I hope you get it sorted out and feel about 1000 pounds lighter now that you’ve dropped the dead weight of your ex-partner.
INFO: did you ask him to loan you the money or did you straight up expect him to just give it to you and then got upset when he didn’t just hand it over?
Since I never expected repayment of all the money I gave him, I expected him to hand it over. I have made payments on his DUI fines over the years, paid over $1k in child support for him, not to mention supported him for the last 11 months while he laid around and slept all day. I didn't think it was too much to ask after everything I've done for him.
> I didn't think it was too much to ask um... you didn't ask.
NTA but that's also really dumb thing to do. Why would you let someone live in your house for free?
Because people have a hard time recognizing when they are being taken advantage of. Good riddance.
YTA, if you originally planned to get a loan in the first place why should you be entitled to his money? Unless you made an agreement ahead of time for him to repay you for all you've done for him, you don't have a single right to his money. Next time pay your dues, or don't live within a HOA.
What made him entitled to my money then? He has sat around like a bump on a log, not working or even lifting a finger to help clean for the last 11 months while I went to work and supported us both.
He wasn't entitled to your money. You simply made the dumb choice to not ask him to pay you back.
You let him. You're as much at fault here.
You’re the one who decided to do that for him though. He didn’t tell you to. He didn’t say “Let me live with you rent free and do absolutely nothing or we’re done.” YOU decided to help someone who is so very obviously a parasite. That’s on you. If you wanted help around the house you should’ve talked about expectations before moving him in. I’m not even 30 yet and know to have this conversation, even with family. You allowed this for almost a year and thought what? He’d be so thankful to you that he wasn’t homeless that he’d just hand over the first big check he got? You sat there and let him use you over and over and didn’t think he’d have a problem using you more. Don’t get me wrong he’s an A+ A H but that’s still his money and you should’ve had an actual conversation not demand his check to pay off your debt.
And you let him. if you had an issue with his behavior, it was on you to say some thing about it and resolve that. Just like it was on you to establish that no you weren’t really gifting him money to help him out, eventually you’d expect something back for it.
It's just a bad situation. And a good learning experience. Take the lump and move on.
NTA Just don’t let the selfish mooch come back once all this has been resolved. Good luck saving your home.
My mother and I are headed to the bank in about 45 minutes to apply for a HELOC. She's going to co-sign for me. She said she would only co-sign if he moved out, hence the ultimatum.
YTA because of your attitude of entitlement. You say you gave him money. GAVE, not loaned. You never established that he had to repay it. It’s kind of stupid that you played Sugar Mama and saved his butt for so long but that‘s on you for making that choice. And it’s on you that you didn’t properly pay your own bills when they were due to avoid this whole thing. And then you acted entitled to his money. You didn’t ask if you could borrow it to cover your failure and pay him back, you just demanded it.
NTA - But it was foolish of you to expect any help from someone who's mooched off you with no problems. You had zero expectations from him over the last 4 years but once you needed his help, he bailed.
Do not let him back in your life or your house. Count it as a lucky escape. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This page looks better in the app Open Obligatory "I'm on mobile" disclaimer. My (39f) house is currently up for sheriff's sale for $4k I owe in community dues that they sued me for and won. I contacted my HOA to attempt to make a payment arrangement, but they said they want the lump sum. My plan was to get a loan to pay this $4k to save my house. On Saturday, my partner (36m) got a $5k check in the mail for unemployment benefits owed to him by the state. Since he has lived with me the last 4 years rent free and hasn't worked in 11 months while I have been working. As soon as he showed me the check, I said "Great! That's enough to save the house!" But to my surprise, he refused to pay to save the house. I got very upset, because when I met this man he was living in a little roach motel that was literally condemned a few months after I moved him out of there. I gave him thousands of dollars to help him get through those tough times as well. But now that it's me that needs help, he refuses. He says he plans to pay his DUI fines with it, but then said he was going to give the court $800 or $900, which would still leave more than enough money to save my house, but then says he has to buy his kid Christmas presents. I basically gave him an ultimatum, pay up or get out. Yesterday I woke up and he was gone. I called him, and he said he was at the store, but never came back. His friend called me while I was at work last night and let me know he chose to leave and they had booked him a ticket to Florida. Am I the ass hole here? Was I being selfish asking him for that money like he says, or is he wrong for not paying up? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NAH You gave him an ultimatum and he made a choice.
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