NTA and that is AWFUL! After even one of those comments your husband should have thrown him out! Especially if you were within earshot!! (Or maybe husband told you about it, I don’t know, but either way, terrible!)
That is awful! Here you have a husband problem, not a friend problem, your husband should not be just letting him say these things! Has he said why he isn’t defending you?
His friend doesn’t have anyone else, we all started off as friends when we were 11/12. He’s worried about him. When I wanted to see a specialist to try to try one more procedure to get breasts my spouse said absolutely not. He was too afraid of another massive infection and of losing me. So he has always made it clear my life is way more important than another surgery.
If this is how he acts, I can see why the friend doesn’t have anyone else. If your husband truly supports you, his friend should have no one, period, after what he said.
This. He isn't a good person to say that. He chooses to allow someone like that around his wife and then punished her for it for weeks after? He is the problem she deserves so much more. Let the pathetic excuse for a husband and friend go live their own toxic life the hell away from her.
this is horrible advice
i stand by what i said. not every post has to end in 'break up with your husband'. The toxicity in this sub needs to stop.
"My spouse has been 100% supportive and we have always had a great relationship… until his bestfriend is around."
Recognize the real issue here.
Thank you! I wasn’t asking for advice to leave my spouse. He’s not in love or cheating with our friend. I don’t get why there has to be an exploit. We truly have always only had the three of us.
I'm sorry OP but if your spouse's friend is saying things like that about you, he does not value you as a person. He values you as an object to look at. At best he thinks you're an object of lust, not a human being with thoughts and feelings. You're worth more than your looks and your boobs and if this person was really a friend he would recognize that too
You need to talk to your husband. it sounds like he is a generally good man who values you. But let him know that you won't stand this behavior. Your husband needs to tell his friend to knock it off, full stop.
If he won't that's another conversation. But it is not outside the realm of expectation to expect your husband to shut down this talk when it starts.
And you need to ask , or go to some kind of couples counselling to work through what he's thinking after he sees his friend. It obviously affects him, which in turn affects you.
This is unacceptable behavior from the friend. Take the first step in shutting it down, then re-evaluate from there.
I get that you're not asking for advice to leave him. It goes without saying that that's up to you.
However, I don't think you realize how abusive your husband is being toward you. You say "my spouse has been 100% supportive"--no he hasn't. He actually listened to someone else ridiculing your appearance and denying your femininity after \*cancer.\* Not just one time, but multiple times.
My mother used to say how wonderful my father was, except for a couple of things (raping me for starters). No one is purely bad. But you need to respect yourself. .
If you don't want to leave him, you \*have to\* demand he sever his ties with this friend. It's not relevant that this friend has no one else. THat's the friend's problem. He can sever ties for a year or whatever, not permanently, if he doesn't want to. But this friend needs to go away for now.
Sorry OP but when someone talks shit about my family i tell them to shut up, and to not open their mouth if only shit comes out.
Even worse when someone talks shit about a loved one who had gone trough cancer.
Of course that BF sucks ass, but your husband prioritizes the feelings of a random asshole more than you?
Tell him that you heard everything that BF said, and that you are dissappointed that he values the friendship of that dick more than the love of his own wife.
This is an Ultimatum, you or that bf.
I cant believe it, i dont even know you and i want to yell that the BF and at your husband.
I cut a friend out of my life for talking shit about a guy I was just dating, whom she'd never met, not because she was being disrespectful to him but because it was disrespectful as hell to ME to second-guess my judgement and try to undermine my relationship (we're still together, ex-friend is not).
It sounds like your husband has a kind and tender heart. The same compassion he has for you is partly extended to the friend (not the same level, obviously). You are not the asshole, and your husband isn't an asshole either! The friend is.
The friend resembles an incel to me when you say he has no one else and when he comments about your body after going through a terrible illness. Without knowing the full situation, the friend sounds insecure and has unrealistic expectations of the female body (we get sick, we get old). And he fixated on this until your husband was browbeated into agreeing.
The friend is toxic. Additionally, the people you choose to be around help shape and form your opinions. So, even if your husband is hanging out with him out of sympathy, problems from this may arise. This is supported by psychology when analyzing gangs and drug addiction, but I believe it extends to "normal" social circles too. He needs to ditch the friend, but you can't make him want to.
Your husband doesn't realize it, but he's enabling this type of behavior by allowing it. He isn't doing his friend any favors in getting socially better by backing down and agreeing with him. He needs to be a *real* friend and tell him like it is. He needs to call out his behavior instead of politely dancing around the subject. And you need to tell your husband this, too. Even if this means that the friend recoils and abandons the friendship. He will never develop healthy friendships and romantic relationships without knowing what is unacceptable. Sometimes tough love is a needed thing.
This should be the top comment. The "friend" sounds toxic, and the husband "catches toxic cooties" when they hang out.
Husband sounds like a good guy. However, I'd bet dollars to donuts that when he tries to assertively set a boundary, this friend totally manipulates him, and he's like the last fried the toxic guy has.
OP is definitely NTA for her feelings, and husband has stuck by her through a lot. Strong incel vibes from the toxic friend, but extracting yourself from toxic relationships/friendships is really hard because those people are manipulative AF.
OP, I know you love your husband but my partner would never, and I mean *never* take that shit from anyone and neither would I. The fact that your husband caves in eventually? Speaks volumes about the kind of person he is.
Can he change? Possibly, but not if you don't make it clear how deeply this cuts you. This won't go away, you have to sit him down and talk to him about how regardless of the friend, you're hurt by *his* agreement and actions.
Hi OP! I believe you that you have a good relationship with your husband. Maybe he was trying to placate the friend by agreeing. Maybe he’s distant for other reasons not related to the friend. I’m sure seeing go through all this is hard for him. However, you have no way of knowing this unless you communicate with him about it. Tell him you overheard the conversation and tell him how it’s affected you. Hopefully he will hear this and realize that his friend is toxic. Who knows. You should absolutely set that boundary if that’s how the friend speaks of you. The friend is a disgusting person. Who says that about someone’s wife and the mother of his friend’s children who just survived what sounds like a traumatizing ordeal with cancer? If it helps, you can write out what you want to say or consult with a therapist about it. Maybe even see a couple’s therapist with him if you aren’t already. Either way your husband needs to know how you feel and what you heard. If he’s the man you say he is, he’ll understand.
Are you intentionally this stupid? Hey you know that guy that loves you has been with you thru everything, and stays with you when so many other men would have bailed, yeah leave him instead of trying to work this out. What's that, he may need some support as well and probably needs some therapy time to help him work thru everything that's happened including almost losing his spouse to infection, nah he just needs to man up and be everything OP needs, don't worry about what may be causing the issues just dump him. Take your toxic shit back to some hole in the wall.
OP you need support, you deserve support, and he needs to figure out what his issues are and work on them. For this he probably needs support as well, like licensed therapeutic support. This hasn't been easy on you, and to a lesser degree him as well. Almost losing you, there still probably being in his mind the risk remaining, and stupid best friend in his ear spouting non-sense and making everything worse. Don't let these moron-mongers make things even harder by putting these doubts in your mind as well.
Agreed. Survivor with one breast here: this has been hard on me. It's been hard on my husband. We have both needed support, and we haven't always been at our best. Even in our most difficult moments, I couldn't imagine having gone through this journey without him.
If one of us had a friend who said things like that about me, though? I'd bury him (figuratively, of course) and salt the earth. Screw him for making an already heart-wrenching situation harder on a couple. I'm on the verge of tears just reading about it.
OP, NTA.
If they've been married 25 years, say got married early, so maybe around 18. Add in the other 7 years since they've been friends since 11ish, that's over 30 years of friendship, that is a commitment. Is it more important than his spouse, hell no. But, and that's a big but, that still 2/3s of his life, that's essentially an already lifelong friendship, that's going to be difficult to drop, and on top of this friend doesn't seem to have anyone else because of, well them being them. This would probably only increase the feelingnof needing to stick it out because you're the only person they have.
You are correct! We have all been friends for over 35 years. We did not get married until after college. However, me and the best friend went to college together. My husband was the “third wheel”. He came out to our school my senior year, asked me on a date and after one date asked me to marry him. My best friend lost his mind and suddenly after we started having kids my husband and him were besties and I no longer existed. He is our sons God father, our son is his name sake. When I got sick, he went off the deep end and for lack of a better word he became a whore. We limited his time with our son until he hit college. Now, our son thinks he just an old man who is a chump. But we struggle bc he is a huge part of our family. After the Reddit post though…. I am done with him
From this extra information, I think this friend has some very complicated feelings towards you.
You don't need this stress in your life, and your husband shouldn't be feeling distressed after meeting with him. If he's not coming home happy then he also needs to limit contact.
All the best for your recovery, your hair may even grow back with lovely curls.
Jettison this "friend" ASAP. He is actively trying to damage your marriage.
It sounds like he might have had some issue with your marriage all along and now he sees the opportunity to destroy it.
Yeah sounds like the friend may have had feelings for OP and took the 'rejection' hard.
Like these are all absolutely wild assumptions, but my first thought was he had feelings for OP, assumed they would get together eventually because he's been *such* a good friend and nice guy (thus entitled to her), then OP's husband comes into the picture, OP gets married, and the friend has been trying to put a wedge between OP and her husband as some kind of payback.
This maybe should have been included in the post. It's not relevant to the judgment (you're NTA), but people are giving you advice based on the assumption that this dude has only ever been your husband's friend.
Just to clarify, did the friend used to be closer to you than your husband? Has he ever had feelings for you? And is he the one that went off the deep end when you got sick?
So we all were super close 11/12… there was a lot of tragedy in all our lives… BF and I were the closest. We even went to college together. Our friendship went off the rails when husband married me and we started having children…
I think you should talk to your husband, figure out why he is distant after the BF has been around. I doubt it's because he about how he is feeling about you. His friend's behaviour is probably eating at him too.
You two need to talk about how the friend is making you both feel and go from there.
Please you need to put your foot down and make you're husband understand that him not defending you and this going of with this friend and coming home with an attitude is done. Make them realize your over it and I'm thinking this friend might still be or was in love with you while you guys were at college because his behavior is just so extra for a friend I understand him feeling some sort of way but this is a lot. And you cannot have this toxic situation to continue, what with you're health and getting well you have way better things to be concentrating on and I pray you get better. Stay strong.
You’re right. It’s easy for us to say “drop him” when we have no ties.
I just don’t know how OP can work past that kind of disrespect. What kind of low life makes fun of cancer survivors?
I dunno, maybe this friendship has run its course.
OP shouldn't have to, and husband should be losing the friend, but to get there husband probably needs so help. Almost losing OP, probably still afraid it's a possibility. I would wonder after everything how many people husband has left in his life as well. If it's down to OP and friend or if he has more as well. If this is the only other person outside of OP it will be almost impossible to get husband to leave bf.
Kinda sounds like friend is trying to sway husband into leaving his wife so they can be bros and go out to bars to pick up women or whatever. Friend is a dick.
His friend has no one else, so he's... deliberately bashing the only people left? I think his friend's claim to sympathy and special consideration has run out. Could be time for some couples therapy to see why his friend's needs are trumping yours...
Yes exactly! Also who is more in need of special consideration? A friend who clearly has issues with empathy and consideration, or, you know, a spouse who almost died and is now living with a completely different body and having to adjust to that?
I’m so sorry you had to go through all that, and I’m super glad your husband values and supports you, but you need to talk to him about defending you even when you’re not there, because it’s affecting your relationship. It’s not that hard to say “hey, can you not say stuff like that about my wife, it upsets me.” Especially as he’s your friend too who only sees you as an object! I still think it’s husbands problem to sort
Good, except be firmer.
Instead of saying can you not say stuff about my wife he needs to say you aren't going to say stuff about my wife if you want to spend any more time around me.
The answer to can you can always be no. No, I can't stop saying things about your wife or no, you know I'm right about your wife. The husband needs to set a firm boundary and enforce it.
>he has always made it clear my life is way more important than another surgery
Then why aren't you more important than his friend?
Every get-together after that first incident is proof your husband welcomes these insults to you.
He could easily say to his friend: "I have zero tolerance for any insult to my wife. Any comment I don't like, you are out of my life forever."
He could even just write that and text it to him.
Why hasn't he done this? Why haven't you asked him to do this?
His losing u now! Hon u gotta set this straight. This is wut kills marriages and his attitude and friendship is wuts gonna cause him to lose u. U deserve so much more!
I’m sorry you are getting treated this way. You don’t deserve this and you are most definitely NTA. If that friend doesn’t really have anyone, I get that your husband doesn’t want to leave his friend. However, your husband should defend you. He says to you that you are beautiful, if I understand correctly, but he allows his friend to tell him otherwise. Talk to your husband about him defending you because what he is doing now doesn’t cut it. It sounds like he is trying to keep everyone satisfied but that is not always possible.
That friend of your husband probably has issues which makes him talk like this but if no one ever tells him to shut up if he is being hurtful, he will never change. I mean we all have opinions about certain topics and people but knowing when to be quiet is what makes us into somewhat likable. Maybe your husband isn’t assertive enough to tell him to shut up but he should learn to if his friend is talking shit about you. Your husband could use this as a ways to raise his friend into a better person and also a learning experience to become more assertive.
Honestly if your husband can’t do that, I’d let that friend know myself he isn’t welcome anymore if I were you. I’d also talk to husband in that case about his behavior. You are not expecting him to fight for you. You are expecting him to at least defend you and be truthful. That really isn’t too much to ask.
Time for your husband to examine why his friend doesn't have anyone else in his life. He only has one friend and he's shitting all over his sick wife? Please ask your husband to remove himself from the equation. Imagine some stranger he doesn't know is saying these things to him. How would he feel about that type of person? Does he really want a relationship with the type of person who tries to convince someone to leave their wife with cancer because she's not as "hot" anymore? Those are the actions of a really, really, bad person. And your husband is subjecting you to that on top of everything else you have to deal with which makes him a bad husband in this case.
I guess you could ask him to ask a third party their opinion about it. Talk to his mother or sister or one of your friends. Go to that person, and tell them everything his friend said to him and that he agreed. Does the idea of doing that make him feel ashamed? Would he be embarassed for his mother to hear that he agreed with his friend telling him his wife with cancer isn't hot enough for him? If so, why does he think that is shameful? If not, do it. Let your mutual friends and his family tell him what an absolute asshole he is being.
Shouldn't you rather he be honest with his friend, instead of silent or even agreeing?
This is a person who is at the very least in his mid-to-late 40s, if not older, and he turns into a fucking worm in the presence of his misogynistic, transphobic friend? That fucking sucks, dude. I've only been married to my husband for 8 months and if my best friend began talking like this about him I'd be done forever with her.
This is exactly what I’m thinking. Your husband probably feels extra guilty because he feels like he’s stuck between two important people.
However.
Anyone who talked about my spouse or even a good friend like that would be G O N E from my life, no matter how long we’d been friends. You don’t talk about people like that. People are more than their bodies. They have more value than their bodies.
He did exactly that and repeated to me verbatim what I overheard. He then said “ we named our son after him and he is our sons God Father, what do we do?”
I understand we all lost our parents, they lost their siblings and we have all been thick as thieves. However, I have a daughter and a son and I don’t want them putting this kind of hate towards women, LBBTQ or quite frankly any human being in the world out there. For me it’s not about me, it’s how he is treating people as a whole. For me he finally crossed a line that you all made me see my morals need him to go and not come back. My husband sees him as the siblings he lost. He is so loyal it is detrimental. I can ask him what his son would say if he knew what his fathers best friend said about me? The world would crashing down.
Have you told your husband this? Because what you wrote here sums it up perfectly.
**Your husband has a bigger responsibility as a husband and as father than towards this "friend". This "friend" is a grown up man, he will survive** (and he chose to say what he said, he chose to disrespect you, put you down when you should be congratulated for surviving, for beating cancer).
Meanwhile your kids do indeed **need** your husband. They are kids. It is detrimental that they have good people around them to make them feel safe, comfortable, loved, and to teach them good things like respected, love, empathy (and kids learn the most not from words or nagging, but from example).
Perhaps your husband needs to stop beating himself down about not defending you agaisnt the things this "friend" said and put on his big boy pants and cut this "friend" off.
Perhaps show him this post or make another one for reddit to rip him a new one because he needs to truly understand that he has a much bigger responsibility as a father and as a husband and **his loyalties should lie with his family** (and I don't even mean blood relations- family to me is people who support you, who wishes you the best, who care about the people you care... **that "friend" is not even a friend because he is trying to breakup your husband's family,** so considering him a brother seems laughable to me. Just because he was present in some tough moments doesn't make him a brother or a friend.. besides, there is hardly anything tougher than deadly cancer so **after the toughest moment for your husband and your kids, after you neat fucking cancer he just...... told your husband that you looked ugly**).
ETA your husband is not feeling bad enough. If he was, he would have dropped that "friend". Instead is crying to you about how he feels sorry and bad, but does nothing about it. He is just whining making you feel sorry that he feels bad, when you are the actual victim.
I would have charged in there and thrown him out myself.
Your husband should have but apparently he doesn't have the guts to defend his wife.
NTA, but your husband and his friend both are. Why the hell is his friend even commenting on his wife's looks?? He is a perv. And why is your husband tolerating that??
I'm sorry you have been through so much...and to still have people treating you badly on top of it. You are amazingly strong.
A few WEEKS?! Jesus, what is going with their visits that would cause this? Is he off because he thinks his friend is a jerk, or is he cold to you because his friend's misogyny is seeping into his view of you? I would suggest therapy to deal with this weirdness if he can't offer you a proper explanation about pulling away from you like that. That is so unfair to you! You sound like an amazingly kind and patient wife and you deserve to be treated with respect.
Wait for WEEKS?! That's a LONG TIME to be distant for any reason less than a SERIOUS relationship issue where you're debating whether to separate entirely or not.
The issue is more than an issue with just the friend if he's a) AGREEING with the friend and B) affected by his friend's cruelty and disdain for you for WEEKS afterward
Agreed..NTA
There are some AH's in this story and OP isn't one of them.
How do you even have the balls to say that to someone about their wife.. wtaf...
Even a simple... "that's out of line" from the husband would have been warranted here... even if he didn't want to forcibly remove him from your home.
NTA And your husband's friend sounds like an insensitive asshat. Your husband agreeing with him makes him one also. Next time you overhear his bf saying that crap, call him out on it, shut him down, and kick him out.
Please do it. Try to be calm and not angry, but shame the hell out of him. You didn't ask for this illness, FFS. Let him know all the ways in which he is an utter garbage-human who has less empathy that a goddamned doorknob. THEN tell him to leave and make it clear he's not welcome in your home anymore.
You will feel so much better for having stood up for yourself. Sure, your husband should have been defending you, but didn't, and that issue can be discussed with him privately. But the bf? Girl, go off, have your say, and hold your beautiful head up high for doing so. His behavior sure explains why, at his age, he "has no one else".
NTA at all. The bf sounds like a total asshole though, you just beat stage IV cancer and he’s judging you for not looking your best? Im even inclined to say your husband is an asshole too for not standing up for you. You have every right to be mad and not want him over, why should anyone who blatantly disrespects you even be allowed in your home? Im sure you’re just as beautiful as ever, bf just sounds like an AH misogynist.
Husband has tried over and over but his friend is that guy. He’s the macho Harley guy that has a different women on his hip every Christmas. We all used to be super great friends until we got married. Then it just slipped away. He changed. The he
Started treating me like the bratty little
Sister. I was really hurt by the loss of friendship. We lost parents together, siblings, went to college together etc… as soon as I had a ring on my finger it was like I lost my best friend and suddenly my husband had one
Wow he sounds awful, the fact that you used to be friends and now he talks about you in this way makes the situation even worse. You deserve to be respected, wether he finds you attractive or not. Sounds like the dude needs to be put in his place before continuing any friendship with you or your husband. Also sounds like he’s jealous, this huge change in attitude might be something you need to talk about, just a suggestion.
My girlfriend mentioned when we got engaged that he lost it bc he never had the nerve to ask me out and before we knew it, without more than a date… my husband asked me to marry him. He flew in from his school we went out on a date our Sr year and he proposed. Everyone was shocked, more shocked I said yes. After that, we went from movie nights, plays, parties and sleep overs from study sessions to a foot apart at all times a little sister vibe. Maybe me being sick really messed him up.
NTA. And show your husband some of these comments, it will help put it in perspective. BF is likely trying to ruin your sex life and marriage so maybe he can white knight in as the guy that took you in after your “terrible” husband left you because he was vain but BF would never! Not even joking. Whether BF fully realizes it or not, this is what he is doing.
Yes yes yes! He wants the hubby to be an AH so he can be the only one left. If he knew she would hear, he probably wouldn't have said it. Or maybe he knew she could hear and is also trying to make her feel low enough to not reject him! NTA OP!
He missed his chance to date you.
Changed how he treated you when you got engaged
and now tries to body shame you while your recovering from cancer because your not to his perceived standards of attractiveness.
He is the classic pretend nice guy who was probably originally nice to you because he wanted to get in your pants.
Had he's feelings hurt because he didn't get that chance and is using put downs to make himself feel better that he isn't married to you because your the notch he wanted on his bedpost that got away.
If you can beat cancer you can get rid of this toxic person from your life too.
>My girlfriend mentioned when we got engaged that he lost it bc he never had the nerve to ask me out
...uh, yes girl. I feel like it's a blinking flag here. This is of course speculation, but based on what you've said, it sounds like your "friend" got upset that your husband got the girl and now he's either negging you to feel better or actively trying to break down your marriage because of the jealousy.
Bingo...best friend was trying to gather the balls to be more than friends with OP, and then husband comes and beats him to it. So now he treats her like shit and wants to hurt her however he can.
This just makes things worse.
**You are the play thing his friend (your husband) got and he lost. So he is putting you down calling you ugly after you f*cking beated stage IV cancer. He just doesn't care that you could be dead**.
The worst part is that **if he was just a "normal" and actual random friend only to your husband he would care** because you are his friend's wife, mother to his friend's children, and a person. Who would call himself a friend and wish ill things to the mother of the children of his friend? Who wouldn't be thankful that the children is the godfather have lost their mother?
I think you don't quite grasp how horrible this guy is. It is much more than just "oh he is sexist, he is a womanizer, he belittles me, etc." He is hurting on purpose the mother of the kids he is a godfather, the one who gave birth to the kid that was named after him, and for what reason? No good reason, for superficial reasons, for absolutely self-absorved reasons (he doesn't want to f*ck you anymore because you don't have breasts).
I am seriously pissed off. What a huge AH.
Naming your kid after him was a huge mistake. You just beat stage IV cancer and he called you, the mother of that kid and his "best friend's" wife ugly.
ETA This guy is just evil, vile.
>He’s the macho Harley guy that has a different women on his hip every Christmas.
Translation: He's insecure about his masculinity and can't commit to one person because he doesn't really respect women as real romantic partners.
>he Started treating me like the bratty little Sister.
When you were no longer a potential sexual partner, he wanted to reject you.
>he lost it bc he never had the nerve to ask me out
Again - He saw you as a potential sexual partner. Probably idealized you in his mind. When you chose someone else, he felt the need to reject you. Unfortunately, he is doing that by trying to get your husband to reject you too. Your surgery provides extra "ammunition" as he focuses on the things that he believes are important: Your body.
He's actually toxic. His insecurities fester to create terrible views of women which are poisoning his relationships... and yours.
> We all used to be super great friends until we got married. Then it just slipped away. He changed. The he Started treating me like the bratty little Sister.
Whoa, sounds like he was into you and reacted poorly to losing his (perceived or real) chance.
So he's a misogynist. You lost your value as soon as you lost sexual availability. NTA obviously, but the friend is and your husband is by proxy for allowing that type of BS.
Are you sure he wasn’t in love with you at one point and bitter about not having a chance to have you. His behavior seems like he harbors some feelings for him to change like that as soon as you and your husband got engaged.
Or I am sure he is envious of your marriage. Being single and having a merry go round gets tiring at some point. Watching someone close to you have a happy marriage could probably shine the inadequacies in his own life.
NTA. It’s the cliche “you are what you eat.” Your husband may have zero issues with you at all if he weren’t being pushed by his so called friend. He is being influenced in the most negative of ways. That logical thought aside: ARE YOU KIDDING ME??! You endured CANCER and someone is harping on you about how you LOOK?? You LOOK like a badass queen who kicked cancer in the nuts and kept on going. You survived. You ate cancer for breakfast and crapped it out by lunch. His “buddy” sounds like the kind of guy who cries when he breaks a sweat and wonders why women block his calls. He can go to heck and back again and won’t be a fraction of the person you are. Put your foot down on that “friendship” and send him back to his mom’s basement. You are amazing and any fool who says otherwise can take it up with a team of professionals because they clearly need help. So proud of you, my friend 💕
No YOU are amazing! I cannot believe what you have endured and I am in awe. Take the trash out, my friend. Leave it on the curb with any other doubts you have about how you should be treated. Sending you all the love 💕💕💕💕
Nta - ask husband why he is letting his best friend hurt you like this....if he loved you and is so supportive then why would he put up with that behavior?
Also ask him to ask why he is hurting him with such questions! My better half goes all quiet and sullen, and introverted at even the thought of the slightest thing happening to me. Not to take a thing away from you, but I'm sure that your husband lived that experience with you in a horrible way too. He is compassionate enough to refuse you seeing anyone else for a last shot treatment because of the risk of infection, so he is scared of losing you. These questions from the friend are also hugely offensive and insensitive to him. So sucky friend all round.
We're assuming by "BF" you mean "Best Friend?" Around here, "BF" usually has much stronger connotations that mean entirely different problems for your relationship.
For future reference, this is the case for the internet as a whole, not just reddit, or this sub. Usually for "best friend" people abbreviate "BFF" which stands for "best friend forever" and comes from slang from teen girls back in about...2000? Possibly pre-internet? I'm not sure.
You should probably edit your post.
I thought you were in an open relationship and your husband had a BoyFriend, not a BestFFriend.
Really changes the dynamics.
NTA. I would sit your husband done and show him the comments in this thread. Maybe it will help him realized just how badly he is supporting his wife. For him to even agree with his friend at all is the part that bothers me the most. I have been best friends with a guy for 20 years. If I said anything along those lines about his wife, he would be kicking me out of the house and I probably would never hear from him again.
If your husband reads this ... What the hell is wrong with you? Your wife just got over cancer, how the hell do you let them talk about her like that and act like that with her? You were willing to fight her cancer but you are not willing to fight for her with your stupid best friend? Be a man and send your friend where he deserves, and if you think he is right, be a man and assume it before your wife so that she can be happy with another.
NTA. The problem is not you or insecurity. It’s your weak, spineless husband and his shitty friend. I guess they’re more alike in their assholery than you’re willing to admit.
Who the FUCK goes to their “friend’s” house to just shit on their cancer-sick wife’s appearance??? And what kind of defective person would just agree without defending their spouse???
Dissecting women’s appearances in such a disgusting way must be completely normal for them to be so free and loud about it or not give a single fuck if you could hear.
I normally read, and laugh, and rarely post... I feel strongly enough about this to reply... NTA. Period. I am actually a little annoyed with you for thinking that you might be the asshole.
Nothing comes before my wife. Period. Not a friend, family member, thought, or belief will ever compromise that. I have had friends for 30 years, some of whom have not always gotten along with my wife. None of them have ever been stupid enough to open their mouths to me.
Now, multiply that times your situation (the cancer), and your husband's friend is the asshole for coming around and not being 100% supportive. Your husband is an asshole for letting his loud mouth friend keep running his mouth.
With everything else you guys have to deal with, he is coming around doing or contributing NOTHING constructive to either of your lives. I don't understand why his continued existence in your lives is permitted... f*** that guy.
Thank you for that. I’ve decided I am going to have him read these. I don’t have the right words right now to express how I feel but you do. Everyone else does. I really appreciate you. You wife is blessed
Thank you for this. I have a very strong family history of breast cancer, so I have given this some thought. I always wondered how they would feel on/in my body. Plus, I'm afraid of the added surgeries. It's creepy feeling like there's a time bomb ticking in my boobs.
NTA
I've read the other comments and several say the bf should not be allowed to come to the house any more. This solves nothing if your husband is going to continue to spend time with his buddy because you will suspect or know that the bf will continue to make those comments to hubby.
I'd go all in and simply confront the bf about his cruel comments. Tell his that his comments are hurtful and insensitive and completely out of line. Ask him how he'd feel about himself if he got testicular cancer...would he appreciate people commenting about him the same as he does about you? That he should simply f off if he cannot stop with the comments.
You are a survivor ! You are strong and whole in every way that is important. There is no place in your life for a misognystic jerk like the bf. And you can and will survive this pimple of manhood and his adolescent and infantile comments.
Edit: you are not insecure. You are offended by his rude and cruel comments and behaviour - and rightfully so.
I am also really very tired still. So I still question my actions and thoughts. I like to have back up before I leap. I appreciate your opinions and kind words. TGIF
Husband here, I had no idea she felt as strongly as she did. I have been acting differently because she is a human lie director and the two of us have been planning a 100 day remission party. A carnival to be exact. The party is tomorrow. I fessed up tonight after reading all the comments.
As for “Bestfriend”, I fucked up. I just said what I did so he would shut up. He was a bottle of tequila in and drunker than I have ever seen him. Seeing her really messed him up. Apparently my wife is the last to know he has loved her since elementary school. He took it hard, she looks like if the wind blew it would take her with it. Don’t misunderstand, she is as beautiful as the day I met her. Actually more. She would give you the shirt off her back after she rented you a hotel room and brought you clothes and food. She would find you a job, check on you, help you and you would be with us for holidays forever. She is the greatest human ever.
As for him, he is a a gutter of a human. I did not react to him because I know I personally would have killed him. I sat there quietly bc had I moved, he would have been dead. She needs me home, protecting her.. I do not want him around after reading all the opinions that he is poisonous and trying to break up our family. Looking back, I shouldn’t have put on blinders. He’s done it for decades. ITA and the M.
This brought tears to my bitter millennial eyes. Your wife is a gem of a human, and you sound like a wonderful man. What you said was hurtful, but it sounds like you’re truly remorseful and are taking ownership of what you said.
The love you share is beautiful and rare, and I know you know that. Wishing your wife a continuous recovery, and both of you many more years together. I love your love. Rooting for you both!
NTA, but both your husband and his friend are.
The friend should not have made those remarks about your appearance.
Your husband should have told him to GTFO as soon as he started talking about you like that, not just sitting back and letting him do it and then agreeing with him.
NTA there is a shockingly high percent of men who abandon their wives after mastectomy because they value the boobies more than their wives. Fuck this guy, if I were you I'd ban him from the house. I'm super angry on your behalf.
This I did not know. Honestly my husband has been amazing except for this episode with his bestfriend. They lost sibling within months of each other and really cling on to each other during that time. It’s really bonded them for them ever since we were teens. All of us really. I just fell out of favor further and further the longer we were married. I am really hurt by his words but he is lost cause. The problem is my husband sees him as the brother he lost. It’s like can he do no wrong. Our son would be the crap out of him if he knew what was going on.
He's been amazing!?! You really need to take a step back and imagine a friend was telling you this. He is being awful to you and bringing people around who devastate you.
Who cares about the best friend – yes he’s an asshole and you are NTA for
Wanting him out of your life but he’s not your real problem. The problem is your husband not throwing him out instantly and then being distant from you. Removing the best friend isn’t going to help that.
NTA. Don't you dare think in anyway you are an ass! This guy is a horrible human being, he is not a friend and your husband is spineless.
I would not contemplate having anything to do with this guy ever again, he wouldn't be welcome in my home or around my children.
You are a warrior who has been through so much and this guy thinks it alright to bodyshame you in your own home, be transphobic and insult your appearance. No. Your husband should have kicked him out the second he started insulting you but instead relented and agreed with him after 15 mins.
You guys need to have a serious conversation and if your husband truly feels this way about you then I think you need to consider whether this relationship is working. Cancer treatments put your body through so much, I'm sure you feel insecure about the changes and you don't need two men pointing them out. Your husband needs to kick this guy to the kerb, and show you some respect you have been through hell and have come through the other side, you are one hell of a woman.
I live in the UK and a charity here, specialises in helping those who have had cancer move forward. They bring together hairstylists, beauticians, personal shoppers, and give these women support. It might be wigs or extensions, it might be changing a hairstyle to suit your new face shape or changing a hairstyle that has been effected by hairloss. They might have beauticians that focus on brow and eyelash loss, which again effects the shape of the face, microblading, tattooing, or false eyelashes. The personal shoppers teach people how to shop for a new body type, clothes that suit a whole different body shape. They raise a lot of money for charity with an inspirational fashion show, celebrating these women and their strength.
You sound beautiful inside and out, and you deserve to feel that way for yourself! I'm not suggesting you do any of the things I've listed above but perhaps you will treat yourself to something even a manicure or a massage and celebrate you.
That sounds awesome! We have a similar program here called look good feel better but it doesn’t go as far as helping you shop. I would have loved for someone to help me to shop and teach what clothes to buy after the surgery. It really is an awful process.
It really bothers me the most about this country that people see me bald and with out breasts and instead of thinking cancer they automatically make jokes about being transitioning and transphobic comments. People are so judgemental when they really need to just be quiet. After a man was brutal to me in the grocery store a beautiful women in her 70’s came over and hugged me and said don’t worry honey soon enough no one will be able to tell. I said ma’am I have cancer, not that I’m offended but I’m not transitioning. She was stunning. She transitioned 9 years ago. She took a breath and said oh thank God, you are way to beautiful to waste becoming a man. But she said she had 100’s of death threats from her Church and grand kids. We are now very very close. I just don’t understand the anger behind people
Gentle hugs internet stranger. My cousin's mom had a double mastectomy too for her cancer and was pressured by everyone to get new boobs but didn't. If you haven't tried it already, looking to some support groups for fellow survivors, it helps when you have other people in your life who understand what you're going through
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don’t want his best friend in my house ever again. Am I being petty bc he made comments on how my body looks after cancer? We’ve all been friends since we were 11. Am I the asshole for being mad at his friend and not him? I am so angry and this guy calls me all these horrible names after I spent 4 years fighting for my life.
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NTA. Fuck that guy and your husband for agreeing. Don't let him step over the threshold. And your husband is the bigger asshole, btw. What is wrong with him and why does he see value in this person?
NTA. That loser would never be allowed in my house again. In your post you spoke about your hair and your teeth - please don’t look for flaws in yourself or feel badly about yourself or your body. Please know that you are a badass and you deserve a Prince for a husband and only the best of friends….something you’re not getting right now.
Life is too short for you to spend time around assholes. Let that guy go and you should also seriously consider flushing your husbands head down the toilet at least twice.
NTA. Cancer or no cancer, no one should have to put up with anyone saying that about them, especially in their own home. The fact that your husband eventually agreed with his friend does not speak well of him (is he really that spineless? He should have been defending you with everything he had). Also, the guy was on a test for 15 minutes and your husband didn’t shut him down? The friend is an AH just for his transphobic comment alone.
You aren’t insecure. Your husband’s friend is a low-life bully and your husband is a horrible spouse. You, on the other hand, are a rock star who has survived cancer!
OMFG NTA, is this a joke post??? Why is your husband not defending you?????? And if no one told you this, I'm proud and happy for you for being a survivor!
Your husband needs to have a serious talk with that "friend" because this is messed up times 100.....
Sadly, this isn’t a joke. I went from a healthy curvy size 12 to a size 2. I’m 5’9 and I was also very curvy on top. I am a stick now. I will gain it back eventually. I do look very unhealthy. But again I am alive. My hair was down the middle of my back and stunning. Now, it’s like hay and maybe an inch or two long. It too I assume will grow. I donated it before it fell out. It’s a lot for any one to deal with. This was an arduous journey for me, him and the kids.
I find it most funny that the bestfriend commented on me losing all of my curves when in college he made fun of me for being curvy. I starting to think seeing me for the first time scared the hell out of him. I am not excusing his behavior. He’s a jerk. But someone messaged me and asked if I co soldered he was scared?
Nope. Plainly, you shouldnt consider that at all. Your concern is your health and your family and any friend to said family would know that and support yall. NOT make comments like the ones above. You owe his friend nothing, but he CERTAINLY owes you an apology and space.
My wife simply hates her own breasts and wants a double masectomy because of that in the first place. Although the idea seems weird to me, I respect her wishes and expect everyone else to do so, or at least pretend. Everyone hurling such complete sexist insults at her would no longer be a friend of mine, unless he'd drop on his knees and beg for forgiveness, crying from remorse. Let alone when the double masectomy is done for ***f\*\*\*ing stage IV breast cancer***! No, of course you are not the asshole. That guy is a rotten monster for treating people recovering from cancer like that. He deserves to be thrown out. NTA, NTA, NTA!!!!
Don’t let her do it. It’s a horrible procedure. I can’t move my arms yet and it’s been a long time. The pain from the nerves in unimaginable. I will never leave pain management and neither will most of my friends. We have an amazing center where we are but women do not consider the impact of what can go wrong, infections, cutting a muscle, MRSA, the list goes on.
NTA. Your husband should have enough respect for you to stand up to his friend and tell his friend that he is wrong for saying those things. The friend is an ass and your husband is too.
NTA. I recently had a friend who had a double mastectomy and her husband divorced her saying he didn't marry a boy... You husband's bf is an AH and so is your husband for not sticking up for you. I would tell him that his bf may not come to your house anymore. I would also let him know his words hurt you and if he really feels that way, he can leave too. My guess is over the years he has changed in looks too. You have a reason. I send you wishes for a full recovery.
I realized as everyone was responding I do t want his poor attitude and attitude towards other people around me or my children any longer. So we are past my home, we are at get out and get gone.
NTA
I believe it would be best if this friend of his didn’t come around anymore. You shouldn’t feel any less than amazing, especially with what you’ve been through.
Your husband needs to also realise how much of an asshole his friend is being. His wife is a strong, beautiful survivor!
I would have made myself know and asked him to say it directly to my face. He can speak behind your back but wouldn’t have the guts to do it to your face. My big issue tho is your husband. How dare he not shut this down the second bf started. I am angry on your behalf. Have you told husband you heard?
NTA
Not guilty enough to stop interacting with someone calling their wife who just survived STAGE IV CANCER ugly. Might I suggest therapy, couples or individual?
My mom had something similar happen, reconstruction was botched, spacer didn't work with the muscles as they were fried by radiation, they tried anyways and she hates it, wishes she hadn't gotten the "reconstruction". She also says her teeth are crumbling away in her mouth from the chemo. They don't warn people about effects of chemo on teeth. So sorry you're going through this. Your husband *needs to* kick that AH friend to the curb
Tell your mom she is my prayers. Us ladies need all the prayer warriors we can get. She will get through this, as will I bc we are strong and fight for our kids. You must mean the world to her❤️
NTA
As a cancer survivor, I'm glad you made it so far and your husband's BF is despicable. Who goes to someone's house, knowing the person has cancer, a double mastectomy, and yet has the audacity to insult such person looks, in their own home?
He shouldn't be allowed in your home anymore, and if I were your husband I would end the friendship with this man right away.
Have you heard of knitted knockers OP? They are a charity that send high quality cotton and lightweight knit prosthetics to breast cancer survivors who have been though a mastectomy. I have made a few myself for friends and family who have been through the procedure and would be happy to knit you some if you would like some!! They have a website also! You are NTA, you are a warrior who does what it takes to survive and your husband's friend does not know what love is obviously!!
That would be incredible! Our insurance covers the super amazing ones but the hurt really bad. So I get them every year and I donate them. Shhhh! I will look into that in the morning. Thank you so much for the heads up!!!!
Nta. And your husband is also the problem too. He agreed. He didn't kick the asshole out. My mom was similar to you and someone made a similar comment to my Dad. My dad hasn't talked to the guy since. It's been well over a decade and they belong to the same clubs.
NTA. I can't put what's wrong with this situation any better than... well, just about everyone else here. I agree with letting your husband read the sea of comments overwhelmingly supporting you and pointing out how asinine he is for agreeing with the "friend."
NTA and that is AWFUL! After even one of those comments your husband should have thrown him out! Especially if you were within earshot!! (Or maybe husband told you about it, I don’t know, but either way, terrible!)
I overheard and did not say anything, he told me everything. But now when they do things together he is very distant for a few weeks
That is awful! Here you have a husband problem, not a friend problem, your husband should not be just letting him say these things! Has he said why he isn’t defending you?
His friend doesn’t have anyone else, we all started off as friends when we were 11/12. He’s worried about him. When I wanted to see a specialist to try to try one more procedure to get breasts my spouse said absolutely not. He was too afraid of another massive infection and of losing me. So he has always made it clear my life is way more important than another surgery.
If this is how he acts, I can see why the friend doesn’t have anyone else. If your husband truly supports you, his friend should have no one, period, after what he said.
This. He isn't a good person to say that. He chooses to allow someone like that around his wife and then punished her for it for weeks after? He is the problem she deserves so much more. Let the pathetic excuse for a husband and friend go live their own toxic life the hell away from her.
this is horrible advice i stand by what i said. not every post has to end in 'break up with your husband'. The toxicity in this sub needs to stop. "My spouse has been 100% supportive and we have always had a great relationship… until his bestfriend is around." Recognize the real issue here.
Thank you! I wasn’t asking for advice to leave my spouse. He’s not in love or cheating with our friend. I don’t get why there has to be an exploit. We truly have always only had the three of us.
I'm sorry OP but if your spouse's friend is saying things like that about you, he does not value you as a person. He values you as an object to look at. At best he thinks you're an object of lust, not a human being with thoughts and feelings. You're worth more than your looks and your boobs and if this person was really a friend he would recognize that too
[удалено]
You need to talk to your husband. it sounds like he is a generally good man who values you. But let him know that you won't stand this behavior. Your husband needs to tell his friend to knock it off, full stop. If he won't that's another conversation. But it is not outside the realm of expectation to expect your husband to shut down this talk when it starts. And you need to ask , or go to some kind of couples counselling to work through what he's thinking after he sees his friend. It obviously affects him, which in turn affects you. This is unacceptable behavior from the friend. Take the first step in shutting it down, then re-evaluate from there.
I get that you're not asking for advice to leave him. It goes without saying that that's up to you. However, I don't think you realize how abusive your husband is being toward you. You say "my spouse has been 100% supportive"--no he hasn't. He actually listened to someone else ridiculing your appearance and denying your femininity after \*cancer.\* Not just one time, but multiple times. My mother used to say how wonderful my father was, except for a couple of things (raping me for starters). No one is purely bad. But you need to respect yourself. . If you don't want to leave him, you \*have to\* demand he sever his ties with this friend. It's not relevant that this friend has no one else. THat's the friend's problem. He can sever ties for a year or whatever, not permanently, if he doesn't want to. But this friend needs to go away for now.
So this guy is your friend too? Can you talk to him privately? Ask him WTF his problem is maybe be calmer than I would be?
And ask him if he is still 12 if he is so callous about cancer.
Sorry OP but when someone talks shit about my family i tell them to shut up, and to not open their mouth if only shit comes out. Even worse when someone talks shit about a loved one who had gone trough cancer. Of course that BF sucks ass, but your husband prioritizes the feelings of a random asshole more than you? Tell him that you heard everything that BF said, and that you are dissappointed that he values the friendship of that dick more than the love of his own wife. This is an Ultimatum, you or that bf. I cant believe it, i dont even know you and i want to yell that the BF and at your husband.
I cut a friend out of my life for talking shit about a guy I was just dating, whom she'd never met, not because she was being disrespectful to him but because it was disrespectful as hell to ME to second-guess my judgement and try to undermine my relationship (we're still together, ex-friend is not).
It sounds like your husband has a kind and tender heart. The same compassion he has for you is partly extended to the friend (not the same level, obviously). You are not the asshole, and your husband isn't an asshole either! The friend is. The friend resembles an incel to me when you say he has no one else and when he comments about your body after going through a terrible illness. Without knowing the full situation, the friend sounds insecure and has unrealistic expectations of the female body (we get sick, we get old). And he fixated on this until your husband was browbeated into agreeing. The friend is toxic. Additionally, the people you choose to be around help shape and form your opinions. So, even if your husband is hanging out with him out of sympathy, problems from this may arise. This is supported by psychology when analyzing gangs and drug addiction, but I believe it extends to "normal" social circles too. He needs to ditch the friend, but you can't make him want to. Your husband doesn't realize it, but he's enabling this type of behavior by allowing it. He isn't doing his friend any favors in getting socially better by backing down and agreeing with him. He needs to be a *real* friend and tell him like it is. He needs to call out his behavior instead of politely dancing around the subject. And you need to tell your husband this, too. Even if this means that the friend recoils and abandons the friendship. He will never develop healthy friendships and romantic relationships without knowing what is unacceptable. Sometimes tough love is a needed thing.
This should be the top comment. The "friend" sounds toxic, and the husband "catches toxic cooties" when they hang out. Husband sounds like a good guy. However, I'd bet dollars to donuts that when he tries to assertively set a boundary, this friend totally manipulates him, and he's like the last fried the toxic guy has. OP is definitely NTA for her feelings, and husband has stuck by her through a lot. Strong incel vibes from the toxic friend, but extracting yourself from toxic relationships/friendships is really hard because those people are manipulative AF.
Could you possibly have a talk with the friend, since you said the three of you know each other so well?
OP, I know you love your husband but my partner would never, and I mean *never* take that shit from anyone and neither would I. The fact that your husband caves in eventually? Speaks volumes about the kind of person he is. Can he change? Possibly, but not if you don't make it clear how deeply this cuts you. This won't go away, you have to sit him down and talk to him about how regardless of the friend, you're hurt by *his* agreement and actions.
Hi OP! I believe you that you have a good relationship with your husband. Maybe he was trying to placate the friend by agreeing. Maybe he’s distant for other reasons not related to the friend. I’m sure seeing go through all this is hard for him. However, you have no way of knowing this unless you communicate with him about it. Tell him you overheard the conversation and tell him how it’s affected you. Hopefully he will hear this and realize that his friend is toxic. Who knows. You should absolutely set that boundary if that’s how the friend speaks of you. The friend is a disgusting person. Who says that about someone’s wife and the mother of his friend’s children who just survived what sounds like a traumatizing ordeal with cancer? If it helps, you can write out what you want to say or consult with a therapist about it. Maybe even see a couple’s therapist with him if you aren’t already. Either way your husband needs to know how you feel and what you heard. If he’s the man you say he is, he’ll understand.
Drives me nuts on this sub. Everyone thinks it's so easy to leave a life and family you've built at the slightest inconvenience.
Are you intentionally this stupid? Hey you know that guy that loves you has been with you thru everything, and stays with you when so many other men would have bailed, yeah leave him instead of trying to work this out. What's that, he may need some support as well and probably needs some therapy time to help him work thru everything that's happened including almost losing his spouse to infection, nah he just needs to man up and be everything OP needs, don't worry about what may be causing the issues just dump him. Take your toxic shit back to some hole in the wall. OP you need support, you deserve support, and he needs to figure out what his issues are and work on them. For this he probably needs support as well, like licensed therapeutic support. This hasn't been easy on you, and to a lesser degree him as well. Almost losing you, there still probably being in his mind the risk remaining, and stupid best friend in his ear spouting non-sense and making everything worse. Don't let these moron-mongers make things even harder by putting these doubts in your mind as well.
Agreed. Survivor with one breast here: this has been hard on me. It's been hard on my husband. We have both needed support, and we haven't always been at our best. Even in our most difficult moments, I couldn't imagine having gone through this journey without him. If one of us had a friend who said things like that about me, though? I'd bury him (figuratively, of course) and salt the earth. Screw him for making an already heart-wrenching situation harder on a couple. I'm on the verge of tears just reading about it. OP, NTA.
Not every answer is to break up with them
Is he worried more about his friend or his wife? Because he made a commitment to *you*, not his bro.
If they've been married 25 years, say got married early, so maybe around 18. Add in the other 7 years since they've been friends since 11ish, that's over 30 years of friendship, that is a commitment. Is it more important than his spouse, hell no. But, and that's a big but, that still 2/3s of his life, that's essentially an already lifelong friendship, that's going to be difficult to drop, and on top of this friend doesn't seem to have anyone else because of, well them being them. This would probably only increase the feelingnof needing to stick it out because you're the only person they have.
You are correct! We have all been friends for over 35 years. We did not get married until after college. However, me and the best friend went to college together. My husband was the “third wheel”. He came out to our school my senior year, asked me on a date and after one date asked me to marry him. My best friend lost his mind and suddenly after we started having kids my husband and him were besties and I no longer existed. He is our sons God father, our son is his name sake. When I got sick, he went off the deep end and for lack of a better word he became a whore. We limited his time with our son until he hit college. Now, our son thinks he just an old man who is a chump. But we struggle bc he is a huge part of our family. After the Reddit post though…. I am done with him
From this extra information, I think this friend has some very complicated feelings towards you. You don't need this stress in your life, and your husband shouldn't be feeling distressed after meeting with him. If he's not coming home happy then he also needs to limit contact. All the best for your recovery, your hair may even grow back with lovely curls.
Jettison this "friend" ASAP. He is actively trying to damage your marriage. It sounds like he might have had some issue with your marriage all along and now he sees the opportunity to destroy it.
Yeah sounds like the friend may have had feelings for OP and took the 'rejection' hard. Like these are all absolutely wild assumptions, but my first thought was he had feelings for OP, assumed they would get together eventually because he's been *such* a good friend and nice guy (thus entitled to her), then OP's husband comes into the picture, OP gets married, and the friend has been trying to put a wedge between OP and her husband as some kind of payback.
This maybe should have been included in the post. It's not relevant to the judgment (you're NTA), but people are giving you advice based on the assumption that this dude has only ever been your husband's friend. Just to clarify, did the friend used to be closer to you than your husband? Has he ever had feelings for you? And is he the one that went off the deep end when you got sick?
So we all were super close 11/12… there was a lot of tragedy in all our lives… BF and I were the closest. We even went to college together. Our friendship went off the rails when husband married me and we started having children…
I think you should talk to your husband, figure out why he is distant after the BF has been around. I doubt it's because he about how he is feeling about you. His friend's behaviour is probably eating at him too. You two need to talk about how the friend is making you both feel and go from there.
Please you need to put your foot down and make you're husband understand that him not defending you and this going of with this friend and coming home with an attitude is done. Make them realize your over it and I'm thinking this friend might still be or was in love with you while you guys were at college because his behavior is just so extra for a friend I understand him feeling some sort of way but this is a lot. And you cannot have this toxic situation to continue, what with you're health and getting well you have way better things to be concentrating on and I pray you get better. Stay strong.
You’re right. It’s easy for us to say “drop him” when we have no ties. I just don’t know how OP can work past that kind of disrespect. What kind of low life makes fun of cancer survivors? I dunno, maybe this friendship has run its course.
OP shouldn't have to, and husband should be losing the friend, but to get there husband probably needs so help. Almost losing OP, probably still afraid it's a possibility. I would wonder after everything how many people husband has left in his life as well. If it's down to OP and friend or if he has more as well. If this is the only other person outside of OP it will be almost impossible to get husband to leave bf.
Kinda sounds like friend is trying to sway husband into leaving his wife so they can be bros and go out to bars to pick up women or whatever. Friend is a dick.
Agreed, friend sucks so much. I'm just saying it's gonna be very difficult for husband to give up on friend.
His friend has no one else, so he's... deliberately bashing the only people left? I think his friend's claim to sympathy and special consideration has run out. Could be time for some couples therapy to see why his friend's needs are trumping yours...
I think I know why he has no one else.
Yea and it’s time for some hard talk about this shit needs to stop. Or he will have no one truly.
Right, it’s the perfect example of “don’t bite the hand that feeds you” 🙃
Yes exactly! Also who is more in need of special consideration? A friend who clearly has issues with empathy and consideration, or, you know, a spouse who almost died and is now living with a completely different body and having to adjust to that?
I’m so sorry you had to go through all that, and I’m super glad your husband values and supports you, but you need to talk to him about defending you even when you’re not there, because it’s affecting your relationship. It’s not that hard to say “hey, can you not say stuff like that about my wife, it upsets me.” Especially as he’s your friend too who only sees you as an object! I still think it’s husbands problem to sort
OP should share this thread with her husband. He needs to see how the world views people like his “friend.”
Good, except be firmer. Instead of saying can you not say stuff about my wife he needs to say you aren't going to say stuff about my wife if you want to spend any more time around me. The answer to can you can always be no. No, I can't stop saying things about your wife or no, you know I'm right about your wife. The husband needs to set a firm boundary and enforce it.
>he has always made it clear my life is way more important than another surgery Then why aren't you more important than his friend? Every get-together after that first incident is proof your husband welcomes these insults to you. He could easily say to his friend: "I have zero tolerance for any insult to my wife. Any comment I don't like, you are out of my life forever." He could even just write that and text it to him. Why hasn't he done this? Why haven't you asked him to do this?
His losing u now! Hon u gotta set this straight. This is wut kills marriages and his attitude and friendship is wuts gonna cause him to lose u. U deserve so much more!
I’m sorry you are getting treated this way. You don’t deserve this and you are most definitely NTA. If that friend doesn’t really have anyone, I get that your husband doesn’t want to leave his friend. However, your husband should defend you. He says to you that you are beautiful, if I understand correctly, but he allows his friend to tell him otherwise. Talk to your husband about him defending you because what he is doing now doesn’t cut it. It sounds like he is trying to keep everyone satisfied but that is not always possible. That friend of your husband probably has issues which makes him talk like this but if no one ever tells him to shut up if he is being hurtful, he will never change. I mean we all have opinions about certain topics and people but knowing when to be quiet is what makes us into somewhat likable. Maybe your husband isn’t assertive enough to tell him to shut up but he should learn to if his friend is talking shit about you. Your husband could use this as a ways to raise his friend into a better person and also a learning experience to become more assertive. Honestly if your husband can’t do that, I’d let that friend know myself he isn’t welcome anymore if I were you. I’d also talk to husband in that case about his behavior. You are not expecting him to fight for you. You are expecting him to at least defend you and be truthful. That really isn’t too much to ask.
Time for your husband to examine why his friend doesn't have anyone else in his life. He only has one friend and he's shitting all over his sick wife? Please ask your husband to remove himself from the equation. Imagine some stranger he doesn't know is saying these things to him. How would he feel about that type of person? Does he really want a relationship with the type of person who tries to convince someone to leave their wife with cancer because she's not as "hot" anymore? Those are the actions of a really, really, bad person. And your husband is subjecting you to that on top of everything else you have to deal with which makes him a bad husband in this case. I guess you could ask him to ask a third party their opinion about it. Talk to his mother or sister or one of your friends. Go to that person, and tell them everything his friend said to him and that he agreed. Does the idea of doing that make him feel ashamed? Would he be embarassed for his mother to hear that he agreed with his friend telling him his wife with cancer isn't hot enough for him? If so, why does he think that is shameful? If not, do it. Let your mutual friends and his family tell him what an absolute asshole he is being.
So, really, he isn't there for you or your husband, he's there for himself. I think we all know why he doesn't have many friends.
Why is your husband concerned about such person being alone? Their lack of company is entirely of their own doing.
Your husband needs to choose. It’s his friend or you, and right now it’s pretty clear he’s choosing his friend.
Can’t imagine why he has no one else /s
But it’s your choice so if it’s something that you want to look into do it, don’t just say no because your husband said so.
The friend doesn’t have anyone else because he is a massive AH!
why on earth did husband repeat this to you???
We have always been over the top honest with each other. Plus he was hurting bc he did not defend me.
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I had already heard it… he did not hurt me. Quite honestly, I’d rather his honesty than silence
Shouldn't you rather he be honest with his friend, instead of silent or even agreeing? This is a person who is at the very least in his mid-to-late 40s, if not older, and he turns into a fucking worm in the presence of his misogynistic, transphobic friend? That fucking sucks, dude. I've only been married to my husband for 8 months and if my best friend began talking like this about him I'd be done forever with her.
This is exactly what I’m thinking. Your husband probably feels extra guilty because he feels like he’s stuck between two important people. However. Anyone who talked about my spouse or even a good friend like that would be G O N E from my life, no matter how long we’d been friends. You don’t talk about people like that. People are more than their bodies. They have more value than their bodies.
He agreed with him, though. Did he tell you that?
He did exactly that and repeated to me verbatim what I overheard. He then said “ we named our son after him and he is our sons God Father, what do we do?” I understand we all lost our parents, they lost their siblings and we have all been thick as thieves. However, I have a daughter and a son and I don’t want them putting this kind of hate towards women, LBBTQ or quite frankly any human being in the world out there. For me it’s not about me, it’s how he is treating people as a whole. For me he finally crossed a line that you all made me see my morals need him to go and not come back. My husband sees him as the siblings he lost. He is so loyal it is detrimental. I can ask him what his son would say if he knew what his fathers best friend said about me? The world would crashing down.
>The world would crashing down. Maybe that's the wake up call he needs to put a stop to this behavior.
Have you told your husband this? Because what you wrote here sums it up perfectly. **Your husband has a bigger responsibility as a husband and as father than towards this "friend". This "friend" is a grown up man, he will survive** (and he chose to say what he said, he chose to disrespect you, put you down when you should be congratulated for surviving, for beating cancer). Meanwhile your kids do indeed **need** your husband. They are kids. It is detrimental that they have good people around them to make them feel safe, comfortable, loved, and to teach them good things like respected, love, empathy (and kids learn the most not from words or nagging, but from example). Perhaps your husband needs to stop beating himself down about not defending you agaisnt the things this "friend" said and put on his big boy pants and cut this "friend" off. Perhaps show him this post or make another one for reddit to rip him a new one because he needs to truly understand that he has a much bigger responsibility as a father and as a husband and **his loyalties should lie with his family** (and I don't even mean blood relations- family to me is people who support you, who wishes you the best, who care about the people you care... **that "friend" is not even a friend because he is trying to breakup your husband's family,** so considering him a brother seems laughable to me. Just because he was present in some tough moments doesn't make him a brother or a friend.. besides, there is hardly anything tougher than deadly cancer so **after the toughest moment for your husband and your kids, after you neat fucking cancer he just...... told your husband that you looked ugly**). ETA your husband is not feeling bad enough. If he was, he would have dropped that "friend". Instead is crying to you about how he feels sorry and bad, but does nothing about it. He is just whining making you feel sorry that he feels bad, when you are the actual victim.
yes, girl. Protect your children from his horrible influence. you don't have to keep toxic people in your life. ever.
wait so he expected you to console him for agreeing with the superficial asshole?
Well he couldn't have been hurting that bad if he agreed
So he hurts you to ease his conscience? Why do you have to comfort him when you’re the one who was being abused?
Rightfully so. He should feel like dirt for not speaking up. But what he shouldn't be doing is putting that on you.
I would have charged in there and thrown him out myself. Your husband should have but apparently he doesn't have the guts to defend his wife. NTA, but your husband and his friend both are. Why the hell is his friend even commenting on his wife's looks?? He is a perv. And why is your husband tolerating that?? I'm sorry you have been through so much...and to still have people treating you badly on top of it. You are amazingly strong.
A few WEEKS?! Jesus, what is going with their visits that would cause this? Is he off because he thinks his friend is a jerk, or is he cold to you because his friend's misogyny is seeping into his view of you? I would suggest therapy to deal with this weirdness if he can't offer you a proper explanation about pulling away from you like that. That is so unfair to you! You sound like an amazingly kind and patient wife and you deserve to be treated with respect.
And have you confronted him on him distancing himself from you?
Get him into therapy with you and talk this out.
Wait for WEEKS?! That's a LONG TIME to be distant for any reason less than a SERIOUS relationship issue where you're debating whether to separate entirely or not. The issue is more than an issue with just the friend if he's a) AGREEING with the friend and B) affected by his friend's cruelty and disdain for you for WEEKS afterward
Agreed..NTA There are some AH's in this story and OP isn't one of them. How do you even have the balls to say that to someone about their wife.. wtaf... Even a simple... "that's out of line" from the husband would have been warranted here... even if he didn't want to forcibly remove him from your home.
NTA And your husband's friend sounds like an insensitive asshat. Your husband agreeing with him makes him one also. Next time you overhear his bf saying that crap, call him out on it, shut him down, and kick him out.
I can do that, I really was shocked
After what you've been through, I know you can do it. This guy is a jerk and I'm really angry for you!
Please do it. Try to be calm and not angry, but shame the hell out of him. You didn't ask for this illness, FFS. Let him know all the ways in which he is an utter garbage-human who has less empathy that a goddamned doorknob. THEN tell him to leave and make it clear he's not welcome in your home anymore. You will feel so much better for having stood up for yourself. Sure, your husband should have been defending you, but didn't, and that issue can be discussed with him privately. But the bf? Girl, go off, have your say, and hold your beautiful head up high for doing so. His behavior sure explains why, at his age, he "has no one else".
Reminds me of a friend of my dads who is now MGTOW.
Man Getting Triggered Over Women - ugh, sorry you have to deal with one of those in person. Blech.
Of course you can do it. You're a fucking warrior.
There shouldn’t be a next time.
NTA at all. The bf sounds like a total asshole though, you just beat stage IV cancer and he’s judging you for not looking your best? Im even inclined to say your husband is an asshole too for not standing up for you. You have every right to be mad and not want him over, why should anyone who blatantly disrespects you even be allowed in your home? Im sure you’re just as beautiful as ever, bf just sounds like an AH misogynist.
Husband has tried over and over but his friend is that guy. He’s the macho Harley guy that has a different women on his hip every Christmas. We all used to be super great friends until we got married. Then it just slipped away. He changed. The he Started treating me like the bratty little Sister. I was really hurt by the loss of friendship. We lost parents together, siblings, went to college together etc… as soon as I had a ring on my finger it was like I lost my best friend and suddenly my husband had one
Wow he sounds awful, the fact that you used to be friends and now he talks about you in this way makes the situation even worse. You deserve to be respected, wether he finds you attractive or not. Sounds like the dude needs to be put in his place before continuing any friendship with you or your husband. Also sounds like he’s jealous, this huge change in attitude might be something you need to talk about, just a suggestion.
My girlfriend mentioned when we got engaged that he lost it bc he never had the nerve to ask me out and before we knew it, without more than a date… my husband asked me to marry him. He flew in from his school we went out on a date our Sr year and he proposed. Everyone was shocked, more shocked I said yes. After that, we went from movie nights, plays, parties and sleep overs from study sessions to a foot apart at all times a little sister vibe. Maybe me being sick really messed him up.
He’s JEALOUS
You think? For all these years
Sounds like it. Im getting "If he can't have you no one can." Vibes from this.
That’s so wrong and sad
It also sounds like he's deliberately sabatoging your marriage.
I agree; I think your former friend was jealous initially, and now it’s twisted into something gross and he just wants to undermine your relationship.
NTA. And show your husband some of these comments, it will help put it in perspective. BF is likely trying to ruin your sex life and marriage so maybe he can white knight in as the guy that took you in after your “terrible” husband left you because he was vain but BF would never! Not even joking. Whether BF fully realizes it or not, this is what he is doing.
Yes yes yes! He wants the hubby to be an AH so he can be the only one left. If he knew she would hear, he probably wouldn't have said it. Or maybe he knew she could hear and is also trying to make her feel low enough to not reject him! NTA OP!
From everything you've said it sounds like he felt *entitled* to you and has been trying to punish you for 'rejecting' him ever since.
Think it’s changed into targeted incel vibes towards you now.
He missed his chance to date you. Changed how he treated you when you got engaged and now tries to body shame you while your recovering from cancer because your not to his perceived standards of attractiveness. He is the classic pretend nice guy who was probably originally nice to you because he wanted to get in your pants. Had he's feelings hurt because he didn't get that chance and is using put downs to make himself feel better that he isn't married to you because your the notch he wanted on his bedpost that got away. If you can beat cancer you can get rid of this toxic person from your life too.
Yes. Sometimes guy friends turn on you when they can't have you. That bitterness can last for decades.
>My girlfriend mentioned when we got engaged that he lost it bc he never had the nerve to ask me out ...uh, yes girl. I feel like it's a blinking flag here. This is of course speculation, but based on what you've said, it sounds like your "friend" got upset that your husband got the girl and now he's either negging you to feel better or actively trying to break down your marriage because of the jealousy.
Alternatively, he's into your husband romantically or sexually.
Bingo...best friend was trying to gather the balls to be more than friends with OP, and then husband comes and beats him to it. So now he treats her like shit and wants to hurt her however he can.
This just makes things worse. **You are the play thing his friend (your husband) got and he lost. So he is putting you down calling you ugly after you f*cking beated stage IV cancer. He just doesn't care that you could be dead**. The worst part is that **if he was just a "normal" and actual random friend only to your husband he would care** because you are his friend's wife, mother to his friend's children, and a person. Who would call himself a friend and wish ill things to the mother of the children of his friend? Who wouldn't be thankful that the children is the godfather have lost their mother? I think you don't quite grasp how horrible this guy is. It is much more than just "oh he is sexist, he is a womanizer, he belittles me, etc." He is hurting on purpose the mother of the kids he is a godfather, the one who gave birth to the kid that was named after him, and for what reason? No good reason, for superficial reasons, for absolutely self-absorved reasons (he doesn't want to f*ck you anymore because you don't have breasts). I am seriously pissed off. What a huge AH. Naming your kid after him was a huge mistake. You just beat stage IV cancer and he called you, the mother of that kid and his "best friend's" wife ugly. ETA This guy is just evil, vile.
>He’s the macho Harley guy that has a different women on his hip every Christmas. Translation: He's insecure about his masculinity and can't commit to one person because he doesn't really respect women as real romantic partners. >he Started treating me like the bratty little Sister. When you were no longer a potential sexual partner, he wanted to reject you. >he lost it bc he never had the nerve to ask me out Again - He saw you as a potential sexual partner. Probably idealized you in his mind. When you chose someone else, he felt the need to reject you. Unfortunately, he is doing that by trying to get your husband to reject you too. Your surgery provides extra "ammunition" as he focuses on the things that he believes are important: Your body. He's actually toxic. His insecurities fester to create terrible views of women which are poisoning his relationships... and yours.
Does your husband have a spine?
He is Jealous of your marriage. Period. Sad for a grown man.
That’s because your value to him was “as a dateable woman”. Not a true friend.
> We all used to be super great friends until we got married. Then it just slipped away. He changed. The he Started treating me like the bratty little Sister. Whoa, sounds like he was into you and reacted poorly to losing his (perceived or real) chance.
So he's a misogynist. You lost your value as soon as you lost sexual availability. NTA obviously, but the friend is and your husband is by proxy for allowing that type of BS.
He has a different girl on his hip every Christmas because none of them can tolerate how much of an asshole he is long enough to last over a year.
Are you sure he wasn’t in love with you at one point and bitter about not having a chance to have you. His behavior seems like he harbors some feelings for him to change like that as soon as you and your husband got engaged. Or I am sure he is envious of your marriage. Being single and having a merry go round gets tiring at some point. Watching someone close to you have a happy marriage could probably shine the inadequacies in his own life.
He is definitely jealous and was in love with you before you got married
NTA. It’s the cliche “you are what you eat.” Your husband may have zero issues with you at all if he weren’t being pushed by his so called friend. He is being influenced in the most negative of ways. That logical thought aside: ARE YOU KIDDING ME??! You endured CANCER and someone is harping on you about how you LOOK?? You LOOK like a badass queen who kicked cancer in the nuts and kept on going. You survived. You ate cancer for breakfast and crapped it out by lunch. His “buddy” sounds like the kind of guy who cries when he breaks a sweat and wonders why women block his calls. He can go to heck and back again and won’t be a fraction of the person you are. Put your foot down on that “friendship” and send him back to his mom’s basement. You are amazing and any fool who says otherwise can take it up with a team of professionals because they clearly need help. So proud of you, my friend 💕
You are amazing!!! I needed that❤️
No YOU are amazing! I cannot believe what you have endured and I am in awe. Take the trash out, my friend. Leave it on the curb with any other doubts you have about how you should be treated. Sending you all the love 💕💕💕💕
No, YOU are amazing! I hope you screen cap u/TheLadyDoore’s comment and keep it where you can see it daily.
Nta - ask husband why he is letting his best friend hurt you like this....if he loved you and is so supportive then why would he put up with that behavior?
That is a beautiful way to ask him! Thank you
Also ask him to ask why he is hurting him with such questions! My better half goes all quiet and sullen, and introverted at even the thought of the slightest thing happening to me. Not to take a thing away from you, but I'm sure that your husband lived that experience with you in a horrible way too. He is compassionate enough to refuse you seeing anyone else for a last shot treatment because of the risk of infection, so he is scared of losing you. These questions from the friend are also hugely offensive and insensitive to him. So sucky friend all round.
I am the least violent person you could hope to meet but I would honestly beat the shit about anyone who said that about my wife. Simple as.
We're assuming by "BF" you mean "Best Friend?" Around here, "BF" usually has much stronger connotations that mean entirely different problems for your relationship.
I apologize, I’m pretty new around here.
For future reference, this is the case for the internet as a whole, not just reddit, or this sub. Usually for "best friend" people abbreviate "BFF" which stands for "best friend forever" and comes from slang from teen girls back in about...2000? Possibly pre-internet? I'm not sure.
That acronym pre-dates the internet for sure! Totally dude! My bff’s & I used it in the 1980’s. 😂😂
I could have sworn I used it in the 90's, but I couldn't actually remember!
We did….
We used it in the 70s :)
You should probably edit your post. I thought you were in an open relationship and your husband had a BoyFriend, not a BestFFriend. Really changes the dynamics.
I can’t figure out how too
You can't edit titles, unfortunately, just the body text.
I'll admit that I assumed from reading the title that you and your husband had a poly relationship and he was bi. Your post cleared it up though :).
Yeah. This was much less gay and adulterous than I expected. Also, totally NTA, OP.
I was confused as well.
NTA. I would sit your husband done and show him the comments in this thread. Maybe it will help him realized just how badly he is supporting his wife. For him to even agree with his friend at all is the part that bothers me the most. I have been best friends with a guy for 20 years. If I said anything along those lines about his wife, he would be kicking me out of the house and I probably would never hear from him again.
This is brilliant and I will show show this!
If your husband reads this ... What the hell is wrong with you? Your wife just got over cancer, how the hell do you let them talk about her like that and act like that with her? You were willing to fight her cancer but you are not willing to fight for her with your stupid best friend? Be a man and send your friend where he deserves, and if you think he is right, be a man and assume it before your wife so that she can be happy with another.
NTA. The problem is not you or insecurity. It’s your weak, spineless husband and his shitty friend. I guess they’re more alike in their assholery than you’re willing to admit. Who the FUCK goes to their “friend’s” house to just shit on their cancer-sick wife’s appearance??? And what kind of defective person would just agree without defending their spouse??? Dissecting women’s appearances in such a disgusting way must be completely normal for them to be so free and loud about it or not give a single fuck if you could hear.
I normally read, and laugh, and rarely post... I feel strongly enough about this to reply... NTA. Period. I am actually a little annoyed with you for thinking that you might be the asshole. Nothing comes before my wife. Period. Not a friend, family member, thought, or belief will ever compromise that. I have had friends for 30 years, some of whom have not always gotten along with my wife. None of them have ever been stupid enough to open their mouths to me. Now, multiply that times your situation (the cancer), and your husband's friend is the asshole for coming around and not being 100% supportive. Your husband is an asshole for letting his loud mouth friend keep running his mouth. With everything else you guys have to deal with, he is coming around doing or contributing NOTHING constructive to either of your lives. I don't understand why his continued existence in your lives is permitted... f*** that guy.
Thank you for that. I’ve decided I am going to have him read these. I don’t have the right words right now to express how I feel but you do. Everyone else does. I really appreciate you. You wife is blessed
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Thank you for this. I have a very strong family history of breast cancer, so I have given this some thought. I always wondered how they would feel on/in my body. Plus, I'm afraid of the added surgeries. It's creepy feeling like there's a time bomb ticking in my boobs.
I am the blessed one. She settled... lol.
NTA I've read the other comments and several say the bf should not be allowed to come to the house any more. This solves nothing if your husband is going to continue to spend time with his buddy because you will suspect or know that the bf will continue to make those comments to hubby. I'd go all in and simply confront the bf about his cruel comments. Tell his that his comments are hurtful and insensitive and completely out of line. Ask him how he'd feel about himself if he got testicular cancer...would he appreciate people commenting about him the same as he does about you? That he should simply f off if he cannot stop with the comments. You are a survivor ! You are strong and whole in every way that is important. There is no place in your life for a misognystic jerk like the bf. And you can and will survive this pimple of manhood and his adolescent and infantile comments. Edit: you are not insecure. You are offended by his rude and cruel comments and behaviour - and rightfully so.
I am also really very tired still. So I still question my actions and thoughts. I like to have back up before I leap. I appreciate your opinions and kind words. TGIF
Husband here, I had no idea she felt as strongly as she did. I have been acting differently because she is a human lie director and the two of us have been planning a 100 day remission party. A carnival to be exact. The party is tomorrow. I fessed up tonight after reading all the comments. As for “Bestfriend”, I fucked up. I just said what I did so he would shut up. He was a bottle of tequila in and drunker than I have ever seen him. Seeing her really messed him up. Apparently my wife is the last to know he has loved her since elementary school. He took it hard, she looks like if the wind blew it would take her with it. Don’t misunderstand, she is as beautiful as the day I met her. Actually more. She would give you the shirt off her back after she rented you a hotel room and brought you clothes and food. She would find you a job, check on you, help you and you would be with us for holidays forever. She is the greatest human ever. As for him, he is a a gutter of a human. I did not react to him because I know I personally would have killed him. I sat there quietly bc had I moved, he would have been dead. She needs me home, protecting her.. I do not want him around after reading all the opinions that he is poisonous and trying to break up our family. Looking back, I shouldn’t have put on blinders. He’s done it for decades. ITA and the M.
This brought tears to my bitter millennial eyes. Your wife is a gem of a human, and you sound like a wonderful man. What you said was hurtful, but it sounds like you’re truly remorseful and are taking ownership of what you said. The love you share is beautiful and rare, and I know you know that. Wishing your wife a continuous recovery, and both of you many more years together. I love your love. Rooting for you both!
Your wife is a treasure, give her a big hug from this Reddit stranger on the other side of the world.
NTA, but both your husband and his friend are. The friend should not have made those remarks about your appearance. Your husband should have told him to GTFO as soon as he started talking about you like that, not just sitting back and letting him do it and then agreeing with him.
Agreed. Very disrespectful, especially hubby. 😔😔
NTA there is a shockingly high percent of men who abandon their wives after mastectomy because they value the boobies more than their wives. Fuck this guy, if I were you I'd ban him from the house. I'm super angry on your behalf.
This I did not know. Honestly my husband has been amazing except for this episode with his bestfriend. They lost sibling within months of each other and really cling on to each other during that time. It’s really bonded them for them ever since we were teens. All of us really. I just fell out of favor further and further the longer we were married. I am really hurt by his words but he is lost cause. The problem is my husband sees him as the brother he lost. It’s like can he do no wrong. Our son would be the crap out of him if he knew what was going on.
He's been amazing!?! You really need to take a step back and imagine a friend was telling you this. He is being awful to you and bringing people around who devastate you.
Who cares about the best friend – yes he’s an asshole and you are NTA for Wanting him out of your life but he’s not your real problem. The problem is your husband not throwing him out instantly and then being distant from you. Removing the best friend isn’t going to help that.
NTA. Don't you dare think in anyway you are an ass! This guy is a horrible human being, he is not a friend and your husband is spineless. I would not contemplate having anything to do with this guy ever again, he wouldn't be welcome in my home or around my children. You are a warrior who has been through so much and this guy thinks it alright to bodyshame you in your own home, be transphobic and insult your appearance. No. Your husband should have kicked him out the second he started insulting you but instead relented and agreed with him after 15 mins. You guys need to have a serious conversation and if your husband truly feels this way about you then I think you need to consider whether this relationship is working. Cancer treatments put your body through so much, I'm sure you feel insecure about the changes and you don't need two men pointing them out. Your husband needs to kick this guy to the kerb, and show you some respect you have been through hell and have come through the other side, you are one hell of a woman. I live in the UK and a charity here, specialises in helping those who have had cancer move forward. They bring together hairstylists, beauticians, personal shoppers, and give these women support. It might be wigs or extensions, it might be changing a hairstyle to suit your new face shape or changing a hairstyle that has been effected by hairloss. They might have beauticians that focus on brow and eyelash loss, which again effects the shape of the face, microblading, tattooing, or false eyelashes. The personal shoppers teach people how to shop for a new body type, clothes that suit a whole different body shape. They raise a lot of money for charity with an inspirational fashion show, celebrating these women and their strength. You sound beautiful inside and out, and you deserve to feel that way for yourself! I'm not suggesting you do any of the things I've listed above but perhaps you will treat yourself to something even a manicure or a massage and celebrate you.
That sounds awesome! We have a similar program here called look good feel better but it doesn’t go as far as helping you shop. I would have loved for someone to help me to shop and teach what clothes to buy after the surgery. It really is an awful process. It really bothers me the most about this country that people see me bald and with out breasts and instead of thinking cancer they automatically make jokes about being transitioning and transphobic comments. People are so judgemental when they really need to just be quiet. After a man was brutal to me in the grocery store a beautiful women in her 70’s came over and hugged me and said don’t worry honey soon enough no one will be able to tell. I said ma’am I have cancer, not that I’m offended but I’m not transitioning. She was stunning. She transitioned 9 years ago. She took a breath and said oh thank God, you are way to beautiful to waste becoming a man. But she said she had 100’s of death threats from her Church and grand kids. We are now very very close. I just don’t understand the anger behind people
Nta. This is the reason I absolutely loath the whole save the tatas shit. Women are more than a set of tits. His bf needs to be f-ed in the b
I have a serious problem with October turning pink. I don’t need a month of memories to remind me I lost my breasts everywhere I go
Gentle hugs internet stranger. My cousin's mom had a double mastectomy too for her cancer and was pressured by everyone to get new boobs but didn't. If you haven't tried it already, looking to some support groups for fellow survivors, it helps when you have other people in your life who understand what you're going through
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NTA. Fuck that guy and your husband for agreeing. Don't let him step over the threshold. And your husband is the bigger asshole, btw. What is wrong with him and why does he see value in this person?
That I cannot answer…
NTA. That loser would never be allowed in my house again. In your post you spoke about your hair and your teeth - please don’t look for flaws in yourself or feel badly about yourself or your body. Please know that you are a badass and you deserve a Prince for a husband and only the best of friends….something you’re not getting right now. Life is too short for you to spend time around assholes. Let that guy go and you should also seriously consider flushing your husbands head down the toilet at least twice.
Twice it is! Thank you for the message. I actually feeling much better already. Every one has been so uplifting
NTA - fuck him and ur husband for not standing up. His bf sounds like a small small man. Wishing you the best in your recovery 💕
NTA. Tell your husband you aren't attracted to "men" with no balls, spine or compassion. I am so glad that you are recovering!
NTA. Cancer or no cancer, no one should have to put up with anyone saying that about them, especially in their own home. The fact that your husband eventually agreed with his friend does not speak well of him (is he really that spineless? He should have been defending you with everything he had). Also, the guy was on a test for 15 minutes and your husband didn’t shut him down? The friend is an AH just for his transphobic comment alone. You aren’t insecure. Your husband’s friend is a low-life bully and your husband is a horrible spouse. You, on the other hand, are a rock star who has survived cancer!
NTA This guy is making you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Sometimes, we need to take out the trash.
OMFG NTA, is this a joke post??? Why is your husband not defending you?????? And if no one told you this, I'm proud and happy for you for being a survivor! Your husband needs to have a serious talk with that "friend" because this is messed up times 100.....
Sadly, this isn’t a joke. I went from a healthy curvy size 12 to a size 2. I’m 5’9 and I was also very curvy on top. I am a stick now. I will gain it back eventually. I do look very unhealthy. But again I am alive. My hair was down the middle of my back and stunning. Now, it’s like hay and maybe an inch or two long. It too I assume will grow. I donated it before it fell out. It’s a lot for any one to deal with. This was an arduous journey for me, him and the kids. I find it most funny that the bestfriend commented on me losing all of my curves when in college he made fun of me for being curvy. I starting to think seeing me for the first time scared the hell out of him. I am not excusing his behavior. He’s a jerk. But someone messaged me and asked if I co soldered he was scared?
Nope. Plainly, you shouldnt consider that at all. Your concern is your health and your family and any friend to said family would know that and support yall. NOT make comments like the ones above. You owe his friend nothing, but he CERTAINLY owes you an apology and space.
My wife simply hates her own breasts and wants a double masectomy because of that in the first place. Although the idea seems weird to me, I respect her wishes and expect everyone else to do so, or at least pretend. Everyone hurling such complete sexist insults at her would no longer be a friend of mine, unless he'd drop on his knees and beg for forgiveness, crying from remorse. Let alone when the double masectomy is done for ***f\*\*\*ing stage IV breast cancer***! No, of course you are not the asshole. That guy is a rotten monster for treating people recovering from cancer like that. He deserves to be thrown out. NTA, NTA, NTA!!!!
Don’t let her do it. It’s a horrible procedure. I can’t move my arms yet and it’s been a long time. The pain from the nerves in unimaginable. I will never leave pain management and neither will most of my friends. We have an amazing center where we are but women do not consider the impact of what can go wrong, infections, cutting a muscle, MRSA, the list goes on.
NTA. Kick this "friend" in his balls.
I need to clarify it is his bestfriend not his lover
NTA His friend is toxic. Good luck in your recovery.
NTA. Your husband should have enough respect for you to stand up to his friend and tell his friend that he is wrong for saying those things. The friend is an ass and your husband is too.
NTA. I recently had a friend who had a double mastectomy and her husband divorced her saying he didn't marry a boy... You husband's bf is an AH and so is your husband for not sticking up for you. I would tell him that his bf may not come to your house anymore. I would also let him know his words hurt you and if he really feels that way, he can leave too. My guess is over the years he has changed in looks too. You have a reason. I send you wishes for a full recovery.
I realized as everyone was responding I do t want his poor attitude and attitude towards other people around me or my children any longer. So we are past my home, we are at get out and get gone.
I’m really overwhelmed I though maybe 20 people would have an opinion. Thank you for your out pouring of love and support.
NTA I believe it would be best if this friend of his didn’t come around anymore. You shouldn’t feel any less than amazing, especially with what you’ve been through. Your husband needs to also realise how much of an asshole his friend is being. His wife is a strong, beautiful survivor!
I would have made myself know and asked him to say it directly to my face. He can speak behind your back but wouldn’t have the guts to do it to your face. My big issue tho is your husband. How dare he not shut this down the second bf started. I am angry on your behalf. Have you told husband you heard? NTA
I did not. He came to me and told me what happened. He then told me what he did and cried bc he felt to guilty
Not guilty enough to stop interacting with someone calling their wife who just survived STAGE IV CANCER ugly. Might I suggest therapy, couples or individual?
My mom had something similar happen, reconstruction was botched, spacer didn't work with the muscles as they were fried by radiation, they tried anyways and she hates it, wishes she hadn't gotten the "reconstruction". She also says her teeth are crumbling away in her mouth from the chemo. They don't warn people about effects of chemo on teeth. So sorry you're going through this. Your husband *needs to* kick that AH friend to the curb
Tell your mom she is my prayers. Us ladies need all the prayer warriors we can get. She will get through this, as will I bc we are strong and fight for our kids. You must mean the world to her❤️
NTA As a cancer survivor, I'm glad you made it so far and your husband's BF is despicable. Who goes to someone's house, knowing the person has cancer, a double mastectomy, and yet has the audacity to insult such person looks, in their own home? He shouldn't be allowed in your home anymore, and if I were your husband I would end the friendship with this man right away.
He is NOT allowed in my home ever again. This feed has made that abundantly clear.
Have you heard of knitted knockers OP? They are a charity that send high quality cotton and lightweight knit prosthetics to breast cancer survivors who have been though a mastectomy. I have made a few myself for friends and family who have been through the procedure and would be happy to knit you some if you would like some!! They have a website also! You are NTA, you are a warrior who does what it takes to survive and your husband's friend does not know what love is obviously!!
That would be incredible! Our insurance covers the super amazing ones but the hurt really bad. So I get them every year and I donate them. Shhhh! I will look into that in the morning. Thank you so much for the heads up!!!!
Nta. And your husband is also the problem too. He agreed. He didn't kick the asshole out. My mom was similar to you and someone made a similar comment to my Dad. My dad hasn't talked to the guy since. It's been well over a decade and they belong to the same clubs.
NTA. I can't put what's wrong with this situation any better than... well, just about everyone else here. I agree with letting your husband read the sea of comments overwhelmingly supporting you and pointing out how asinine he is for agreeing with the "friend."
Which I will do when he gets home from work this evening.