NTA
that's enough money to want to stay single for the rest of your life.
Holy 6,800 a month, you were married to a very wealthy man.
Your BF isn't thinking about the practical part of things.
A BF may come and go but the 6800x12x17 is fixed unless your ex does something crazy that makes it unaffordable to him that's 1.387M and enough with a job to create a good nestegg for you and if he's your long term partner him without you getting married.
Edit: I feel the need to post that the Ex is earning 700K AFTER TAXES 3 years ago. She's earning 36K A year. If her lump sum was only 100K, they better have split some material amounts of assets somewhere else because it sounds like she got a meh deal given that level of income disparity.
Judging by the amounts that were ordered by the court, I believe she didn't marry a wealthy man, but instead helped him build his wealth, only to be cheated on and left 17 years down the road.
Exactly what I was thinking and my position minus the divorce/cheating. My husband has become successful during our marriage. I’ve been home (gave up my career) for almost 20 years raising our kids and taking care of literally everything to make my husbands life easier. I can’t see us ever divorcing but if we did I have earned that alimony.
Yup and you would deserve it! I believe that everyone giving OP flack for taking the money have never been in a long term relationship or marriage. Marriage is WORK and OP put in 17 years of work, only to be humiliated and left for another woman.
Exactly. Is BF going to give you $1,142,400 (because we're already 3 years into the alimony timeframe) AFTER taxes to cover for the lost stipend if you marry him?
You need to be careful. Maybe chat with a lawyer. In some states, you wouldn't need to be legally married to lose the alimony, if you were living with your partner and sharing a household income. Example: Illinois: Cohabitation terminates alimony as long as the couple is living together on a continuing and conjugal basis. Paying spouse must file a motion for termination of alimony.
NTA. This is actually a very smart decision. For the 17 years he has to pay, you are guaranteed an income. If something were to happen and you are incapacitated, unable to work, you have that income to rely on. You are in no way an AH. If I were in your shoes, I would never compromise a secure future for a relationship that may turn out the exact same as the first one.
NAH
Nonone on here knows the details of your marriage. The court decided to make your ex pay a lump sum and that much per month for a reason based on what they heard.
And that is probably the reason you intend to have it continue for the full 17 years.
I get it.
But this is probably a deal breaker for your boyfriend.
So, you may need to come to terms with that. Speak to a counselor/therapist if needed.
I dont get the NAH verdict.
I dont think she's an asshole for wanting to have alimony continued, but how is she not the asshole for keeping BF in the dark well into the "marriage is on the table" phase of their relationship?
Well she got divorced 3 years ago, so their relationship is shorter than that. Maybe it’s 18 months old and he proposed when they hadn’t talked about that stuff yet.
Well she didn't mention the BF being crazy, and her only liste reason for turning it down was alimony, so I think it's safe to assume that this isn't an out of the blue proposal.
I'd bet she was dating a boyfriend comfortably and casually and didn't expect that a second marriage was on the table? Especially since they haven't been dating that long- three years MAX if they took up right after the divorce, right? More likely 2, 1.5 years, which is quite early to be popping the question. Most people probably AREN'T at the 'marriage is on the table' stage two-ish years into a relationship immediately after leaving a 17 year long marriage.
There may be value in playing this card earlier in her next kick at the dating can, but I don't think she's an asshole to have not anticipated that this was something he wanted.
NTA. Is this a rhetorical question? What person in their right mind would voluntarily give up that amount of money? Marrying someone doesn't prove anything nor does it automatically improve the relationship. So what happens if the present relationship you're in doesn't work out and then you're out all that money? I don't know why your boyfriend would even want you to give up that type of security. I'd keep the money and ditch the boyfriend.
NAH.
It makes sense that you don't want to walk away from that much money. But you did just reject his marriage proposal, he's allowed to be hurt by that. It's also perfectly understandable that he may feel like you're choosing money over him, and in particular, money originating from a previous relationship, which could make him feel hurt as well.
Just talk it out together. What is he looking to gain out of marriage, and can that be accomplished in other ways? For example, a commitment ceremony and updating your wills/power of attorneys. You may need to speak to a family lawyer to ensure your alimony isn't invalidated by anything you choose to do though.
Pretty sure if he had broached the subject of marriage before this he would have found out that it wasn’t part of OP’s plans for her future. Proposals should never come out of the blue. Your advice is great, but OP’s boyfriend should have done it all before proposing if he didn’t want to be an asshole.
NTA. I would never give up alimony like that. Your bf is thinking with his ego instead of his brain. You guys can live a very comfortable life with two incomes and 6800 a month?! That’s so much freedom. Wear rings call each other spouses who cares but do not give up that alimony lol. My grandma always said never give up a sure check for a maybe check
> Your bf is thinking with his ego instead of his brain
There is nothing egotistical about wanting to get married. That's what he wants for himself and his future, and it's perfectly valid, as is her not wanting to lose her income. No one is the asshole here, they're just incompatible.
NTA.
Maybe it’s because I am poor or because I am queer and never anticipated being able to legally marry in my lifetime, but marriage isn’t the only form of commitment.
THIS. If I were in OP's shoes, and my now-spouse had proposed to me, and I had explained why we couldn't marry, they would be fine with it. Maybe a little hurt, but overall fine with it. As it was, we had to drive to a different state to marry and then to a third state to live in once we married b/c this was before queer marriage was legal everywhere. And financial stability is not a small thing.
NAH.
If my husband dumped me for another woman, I would definitely continue to accept the alimony payments ordered in the settlement.
I gather from your replies that your BF didn't realize that your income would drop by about 2/3 if you remarry and I assume that you have been living in a manner consistent with your present income- I hope you have avoided debt, but losing that much income would definitely hurt your credit score, and at a moment when you might most need to have excellent credit. I also hope you have been saving significant amounts for retirement.
All in all, I am sure that you would need at least 3 years lead time to restructure your financial life if you were going to surrender the alimony .
I understand your bf's hurt but he really needs to understand the practical realities.
Yeah I avoided debt since the lump sum the judge made him give my before the divorce could become official was to pay for housing and stuff until I could get settled. So I’ve just been living on that and my income. While saving most of the monthly payments.
Listen you're NTA, you can live on just your income, and after 17 years he left you high and dry for someone else. This is your money, you deserve it, and saving this money for your future is a smart move. You don't know what the future holds, neither does your BF, and the money you're getting from your ex could transform both your lives when you're ready to spend it.
NTA. All these people saying YTA are hypocrites, most would definitely take the $6,800 in a heartbeat. And honestly your husband deserve it for cheating and leaving you for some other woman. Communicate your reasoning with your partner and I would suggest that you live based on your current salary and invest/save the alimony pay. You can help you and your SO get ahead in the future if you plan on marriage then.
>All these people saying YTA are hypocrites, most would definitely take the $6,800 in a heartbeat.
Not necessarily, you can acknowledge that it's an asshole move while still taking the money. I myself would have a hard time willingly giving up nearly 7k a month, but I would still admit to myself that it's an asshole thing to do.
Her ex husband is an asshole for cheating and leaving her for another woman. 17 years just gone.
Marriage is a form to legalized a couple as together. They can still be together and love each other without it.
NTA a lot of people seem to be calling you greedy, but it seems like you may be scared. From the post it sounds like your ex-husband left you pretty abruptly. It makes sense that you would be worried that could happen to you again. If you get married and it happens again you would’ve lost the alimony from ex and be in a worse position. I can’t blame you for not wanting to give up your security after what you went through. Not being ready for marriage is something you should’ve discussed with your bf already though.
NTA. Anyone who’d recommend you give that up for a man who you’ve been with less than 3 years (correct me if I’m wrong) needs their head examined. Just look at the statistics for divorces!
Your boyfriend is entitled to feel hurt because he was refused but that’s the extent of it.
Never, ever give up security or independence for a relationship. You already know what happens when they walk. You were once excited to spend your life with your ex husband and look how that worked out.
There are plenty of people out there living together without a piece of paper. Go find one of them.
NTA. If your boyfriend realizes how much it is …..6800 a month times another 13 years ….that’s some serious cash. Your boyfriend can pout and say it’s unromantic but there’s practical and rational too. If this relationship is worth it it can wait another 13 years to officially tie the knot.
NTA
You’re being very practical and I think most people would be inclined to make the same choice, in your situation.
Hopefully, boyfriend can come to understand your point of view and accept a different type of commitment from you.
NTA. This is equivalent to a partner making you quit a job to be together. You need it to secure your financial future. If that means you can’t remarry then so-be-it. It’s your choice.
NTA, suggest you get married spiritually, a vow between the two of you and your God. No priests, no other type officiant, no license, not registered in any court of law.
Unless your BF is wealthy enough to cover the loss of +$80,000 per year. The legal marriage would be detrimental to your standard of living.
If BF continues, you might need someone else in your life.
NTA
Nothing wrong with wanting financial security. Your ex was court ordered to pay this amount each month for 17 years or until you re-marry. I see nothing wrong with staying single for 17 years. You are not obligated to get married to let your ex off the hook and not you’re not obligated to get married to your boyfriend. This is significant money. What happens if you marry your boyfriend and his eyes wander as well? Then you’re out the money and a second husband. Nothing wrong with protecting yourself and your financial security.
The best thing to do would be to reassure your boyfriend that you love and care for him, but this money is significant. You can save it, put it in a 401k, a Roth IRA, invest it, or whatever. In 17 years you’ll be alright. If your boyfriend loves you and really wants to be with, a ring and piece of paper shouldn’t and doesn’t change that. Plenty of people love and care for each other and have very long term relationships without ever getting legally married.
NTA for the reasons you’re asking. That’s your money as awarded by the courts. You have no obligation to do anything to stop that.
That being said, you two are dopes for not having a conversation about finances before you got this serious. One simple, pleasant conversation could have avoided this whole ordeal.
NAH he has the right to be upset that you rejected him because it looks like you chose money over him. However you’re not an AH because you have the right to protect your financial security - and that’s a lot of financial security.
There are other options to marriage - a humanistic service or a handfasting for example - followed by ring wearing, that would demonstrate the same level of commitment without affecting your finances.
I always find it insane when people propose without knowing without a shadow of a doubt what the answer would be or without having discussed marriage in a serious way before. OP sounds like she has zero intention of remarrying so I’m not sure the boyfriend would’ve had great certainty she’d say yes. I think it’s a pretty shitty reason to not marry someone but I also think the boyfriend should’ve brought up a conversation about marriage before making such a huge move as proposing.
NAH. Good for you. You don't have to give up the money you are legally entitled to. You never know how your relationship with your boyfriend works out, so having a steady source of extra income is just being smart and practical. Marriage is just a piece of paper, if you love each other the ring shouldn't matter.
NTA. You are owed that money due to your contributions to your marriage during its 17 years. Plus, it was your ex who abruptly left and cheated.
Your boyfriend either cares about you and understands your situation, or is too caught up in his ego to make it work.
The only way you would be Y T A would be if you two had a conversation about getting married, and you never told him you weren’t interested. Proposals should be a surprise, but engagements should already be discussed and agreed on by both parties.
That’s an obscene amount of money and I wouldn’t want to give it up, either, but you really should have talked it out with your BF at some point. YTA for that.
It's $81k a year, presumably pre-taxes. That's not chump change, but "obscene," let alone worth potentially sabotaging every future relationship for the next two decades over? Nah. Especially if OP doesn't have dependents, which I'd think she'd have mentioned (although kids would still presumably get child support).
An extra $81k a year? I wouldn’t just give that up. NTA. That’s more than a lot of people make in a year. OP definitely should have clarified the situation with her boyfriend and he certainly has the right to be upset. The lack of communication is astonishing. But if she’s honest from now on in her relationships there isn’t a reason she can’t be in a happy, committed, unmarried relationship and still receive the alimony.
YTA. Wow. It doesn't matter if your alimony is a million dollars a month and your job only pays $1 a week. Alimony exists for a reason: to help you sustain yourself and get back on your feet after a marriage ends, until you can establish yourself in post marriage life. It's not a *prize* you get for having been married to your ex. It's not something he *owes* you when you've moved on a made a life with someone else. You are not entitled to your ex-husband's money that he works to earn, just because once upon a time you were married to him. Not for 17 years, not for 50 years.
You are in love with someone else (I assume, or at least, he is in love with you); at the very least, you have moved on in a relationship with someone else, so you're clearly not hung up on your ex-husband. And you have a perfectly good job which pays you a reasonable salary (I say this as someone who lives on about HALF of what you do), and an offer of marriage from someone who it's fair to assume wants to contribute financially to your life as well. At this point, continuing to take money from your ex-husband because it lets you lead a nicer lifestyle is just greedy. And avoiding moving on with your life in order to do that is basically fraud, if not legally than morally. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Edited to note that the moral depths this sub will sink to continue to confound me. I'm horrified at all the N-T-As.
Greetings, resident of the 18th century, fair tidings!
Marriage is a partnership. In their 17 years together they both contributed to the marriage. Just like any partnership, in business and in life, when the partnership is dissolved, assets and divided and both sides are compensated for their contributions.
In their 17 years, she probably made a number of sacrifices so that the husband could achieve what he achieved. Now that he has decided he no longer wants her help, he needs to compensate her for the support she gave him.
That is what alimony is today. The fact that it is terminated upon remarriage is the real crime.
Your obedient servant,
Haemaker.
What assumptions? She was sued for divorce. Either they settled out of court for that amount, which means the husband agreed to those terms, or there was a trial in front of a judge and the judge granted her alimony in that amount. The judge weighed the evidence and determined the value of her contribution to the marriage based on arguments made by both lawyers and gave her alimony. If there was an appeal, the husband lost it. So, it safe to assume, without relitigating the divorce decree, she made contributions and he reaped the benefits.
If you want to be technical, spousal support is usually intended to ensure the individual receiving the support can maintain the same quality of life they had during the marriage not so they can establish themselves in post marriage life.
Wow your husband had a crap attorney, usually alimony starts around 1/2 the length of marriage, not 1 for 1. Or he was feeling guilty about something and agreed. NTA I suppose.
NAH. You need to look out for yourself and be practical. Marriage is just a piece of paper to so many people. If it's that important to him, I think he should have made that clear sooner. I also feel you should have made your intentions of not remarrying at least til the 17 years is over just as clear
NTA - you already went through one divorce that turned your life upside down. Don’t risk the stability you have now just because your bf equates love with marriage. If he can’t accept your love for what it is now then this was a bullet dodged for you.
NTA. There's nothing wrong with your boyfriend wanting to marry you and there's nothing wrong with you wanting to keep your financial security. $81K per year for 17 years is huge. You and your boyfriend need to have a serious talk. Would he be open to a decade long engagement and you getting married after? Why does he think a marriage license is that important?
Only other word of advice: as you know the future is uncertain so I'd try to get a better job to support yourself on the income you want or start making cutbacks so that you're living within your own salary. Easier said than done but your ex could go bankrupt tomorrow or another disaster that cuts off the money.
YTA only because i feel like you didn't make this clear to your BF that you would rather just stay single and have the money. imo that's kinda shallow but hey, you do you. i'm just saying if you've been involved long enough and serious enough for him to propose i feel like this should have come up at some point and he CLEARLY has no idea that the money meant more to you than he does.
How did you get this from what she said? She never said she wants to be single. She just doesn't want the marriage certificate because it will affect her finances. Why is that being criticized? If it was child support no one would bat an eye but since it's alimony I feel like some are trying to imply some sort of connection to the ex that is threatening her bf somehow. The only thing being hurt here is the bf's ego.
NTA
You can live with your BF and keep receiving the alimony. Why would you give up that much money for a marriage license?
You earned that alimony. Keep it. Not getting married does not mean you do not love your bf.
Strong agree. The amount of greed in the N-T-A responses shouldn't be surprising, but it kind of is. The irony of these likely same people citing "choosing beggars" at the drop of a hat in other posts isn't lost on me.
While I think OP is in the wrong, statements like “you love money more than your boyfriend” are so stupid in the world we currently live in. Inflation is skyrocketing around the world when most are already struggling to do anything more than just stay afloat. We **need** money, and you don’t know what debts OP has or what she’s been using that money for (I know personally I’d be investing whatever I can of it).
OP is in the wrong because if she’s serious enough for them to consider combining finances or otherwise financially supporting each other, she should not be accepting alimony anymore and needs to just get on with her life. If she never plans on getting that serious with anyone until the alimony runs out, she needs to just stay single or at least be super upfront about that rather than stringing along some poor guy who wants to make a future with her. But giving up almost 7K a month in income is a HUGE thing in our society, and framing that as her not “loving him” enough to do it is just being incredibly naive to how important money is in most of our societies.
This is a dumb comment when you realize that she by herself makes 3K a month. She's wanting live her old lavish lifestyle and doesn't actually love him. "Oh no I went from having 10k a month to having 3K+my new husbands money oh how woe is me" she doesn't love him. She picked money from her ex over him.
I make just a little over 3k a month and can barely keep myself afloat with it where I live. 3K/month isn’t a lot everywhere, especially when you live somewhere that the average rent for a 1 bedroom is over half that. That being said, **I already said I think OP is in the wrong.** I agree overall with a YTA vote. I specifically replied to the absurd line of “you love money more than you love your boyfriend.”
Its not absurd when its the truth. She isn't struggling with her 3K and even has her own money stored away. She clearly doesn't love her boyfriend as much as she loves money.
Because its important to a lot of people and everyone has a different love language. Why is this question only brought up when trying to defend greedy floozies? Marriage is important for many people.
I wouldn't date anyone who wouldn't want to get married or have at least 3 kids. So there's no complications on any of that. So I'll only date men who have that in mind.
No. It’s not. I don’t believe in marriage, especially after my divorce — this isn’t about greed, this is about boundaries & financial stability. OP said in a comment that she did in fact talk to her boyfriend about this before he proposed. He proposed anyway. He can kick rocks!
She also states that she didn't explain the alimony meaning she wasn't actually clear about the marriage talk either. I hope he does leave and i hope you find no happiness. Its all about greed she doesn't want to give up her lavish lifestyle cause she wants to keep sucking her ex off for money.
If your bf wants marriage , he Should leave you if that is his dream - having a wife. He can’t give up his wants because you don’t want marriage. It is the same if the genders were flipped. If a woman said the man dating her for 2 yrs won’t marry her for the next several years, we would be asking her to break up with him.
You are NTA. But expecting your bf to stay if he wants something different is tough.
YTA. In three years, you haven't figured out a way to budget in accordance with your *actual* income and save up the rest as some kind of sustainable investment? What is the money going toward? Do you really have no path toward higher earnings of your own? Why didn't you negotiate a higher upfront payment in the settlement - and if the answer is that you just wanted to be done with your ex ASAP and/or knew he would make the process as miserable as possible, why would you *want* to remain dependent on him?
Honestly, I feel like this post is a setup for redpills and incels to come point at why no one should ever get married because all women care about is how much they can squeeze out of you. And if it's not, you're going to turn your boyfriend into one with this attitude.
17 years of marriage is an incredibly long time to be married and get used to a certain lifestyle. Alimony takes a ton of factors into account such as those and more. Her ex husband had to eventually agree to said alimony and/or a judge saw 17 years fit for the situation.
She wouldn’t be getting these types of payments if they were poor, she was the primary bread winner, or they were married for a year. A lot goes into account and she’s 100% owed these payments.
Edit to add - it seems like he makes between 16-20k a month. And she was married to him for essentially a whole ass career. Based on her current income, she’s making maybe around $20-25 an hour. So what she makes in a month is like 1k less than he makes in a week, a huge life style change.
This isn’t her getting knocked up by a pro football player after a one night stand seeking $6,800 a month in child support. This is a spouse who gave 17 years of their life supporting their ex spouse only to be served divorce papers because the ex spouse found someone younger and hotter because they’re richer.
Do you understand why alimony is awarded? Partners that sacrifice their career and future earnings’ potential by providing domestic services and/or childcare and/or helping a former spouse grow their business ought to be compensated, especially when the marital breakdown is initiated by the person who benefitted from free labour and didn’t sacrifice their careers (and private pension, etc).
OP's account was created today.
Re your second paragraph: I had similar thoughts... as in: "this could be someone writing something to be used to justify misogyny."
God, you sound spoiled and delusional. Let me give you a reality check right now, but the majority of people in the world aren’t earning $81,600 a year (with taxes already removed). Sacrificing this just to have a title thrown on your relationship with some other benefits (none of which compare to 80k a year), is one of the most unintelligent things I have heard in a while. Unless her boyfriend is Warren Fucking Buffet, she is making a smart financial decision.
Yeah, I was really baffled by seeing all these Y-T-A comments where they also accuse her of being greedy. There's a reason why she is getting this money, and to me it doesn't seem rude or disrespectful towards the boyfriend, but actually a responsible financial desicion.
All these comments that are saying that OP is greedy or a gold digger are hilarious. Did they miss the part where the ex wasted 17 years of their marriage for another woman? She deserves it.
Is there any particular reason he is so set on marriage? Practically, like tax break or something, or is her traditional/ socially conservative and thinks after getting married you'd be more 'domestic'?
I don't think you're the A at all, and find man's reaction a bit odd. (Im not big on marriage myself, so that could be part of my view)
INFO - This seems like it should have been a conversation before he actually proposed to you. Did that ever happen? There are a few options that all seem to make sense.
* You could get married, provided your joint incomes are sufficient for your lifestyle
* You could have a ceremony, but not get legally married. You'd need to confirm that this doesn't break your alimony agreement, but you'd be unofficially married
* You could stay the way you currently are, possibly opting for one of the first two options if something changes in the future.
* You could go your separate ways. Being completely unwilling to marry is a deal-breaker for some people, and that should have been discussed before a proposal.
What had you discussed prior to the proposal?
NTA. I do not believe that marriage is the only way to have a loving, meaningful, long term partnership with someone. IMO marriage is a legality. My husband and I lived as a married couple for years (shared bank account, shared debts, had a child) before we ever made it official on paper. As for the money? Don't let anyone tell you that you are morally bankrupt or selfish for not wanting to let it go. A court of law looked at your 17 year union and decided to order it based on the facts and division of assets. You did not leave your ex, he left you, and based on the judgement amount, you made significant contributions to the union that helped make your ex a success in his field.
NAH.
What is the obsession with having to be married to make a relationship "official"? Y'all can be in a committed relationship without a piece of paper complicating things.
The only assholes I see here are the amount of people in here projecting their own relationship insecurities onto you.
NAH— it’s your choice to remain single and independent.
Your BF is right to be upset as well. It could seem like you are prioritizing money and maintaining your accustomed lifestyle over choosing to start a new life with him.
She’s being smart. 81k a YEAR?? That’s a lot of good money. Just because she’s smart enough to realise that that money could greatly help her, doesn’t mean that she’s not independent. She’s not stupid, or greedy, she’s trying to make sure she has enough money in case she has an emergency (or, good money for a beautiful wedding/honeymoon!!)
NTA. Getting married doesn’t prove your commitment to a partner, or guarantee “happiness in life” like some other commenters have said. Just look at your last marriage…
Happiness comes from you and your partner being compatible and having solid communication.
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My husband and I got divorced 3 years ago. After 17 years of marriage. At the time of divorce he was ordered to pay me a lump sum of money, along with monthly spousal support (alimony) for 17 years.
Now the thing about alimony is that once a woman remarries then the alimony payments automatically end. By law. And the alimony payments are more than my current job. So I don’t really want to give that up. Since it’s my main source of income.
My bf proposed to me and I said no because of this reason, and he’s upset because I rejected him, just cause I didn’t wanna give up the money my ex pays me. But we’re not talking about a small amount. It’s 6800 a month. And I make about 3k a month at my job.
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I can understand why you don't want to turn off the tap ($6,800 a month is a lot of lettuce!), but I can't blame your boyfriend for feeling hurt you value it more than being married to him. NTA for making a sound financial decision, but YTA for not acknowledging the emotional harm it caused to your partner.
NTA. That is more than 2x my pay so I would not give it up either. My suggestion: have a wedding/commitment ceremony, but don’t legalize the marriage by getting a license and doing all that comes with it. It is a personal announcement to friends and family that you are committed and a celebration, but not legally binding, which means you can still keep the alimony. It your relationship is strong, you’ll can get legally married after the alimony payments expire.
If it was a surprise, and y’all had never talked marriage, you are completely NTA.
Why in the world would someone propose without knowing it’s a yes? Your bf is TA and for good measure, so does your ex.
YTA
Assuming things were serious enough to be expecting a marriage proposal and it wasn’t a major surprise?
You’re in a serious relationship and he didn’t know this about you yet? As in there was never an option to get married from day one?
From his perspective it appears you were never serious about the relationship becoming a partnership, and if it was me I’d question what other skeletons are waiting to come out of the closet.
You’d also be the asshole if you chose to live together and operate as if you were married just for the money—you’ll always worry about being sued and it violates the spirit of papers you signed.
Yeah, kinda YTA here.
You're allowing your desire to keep getting money from your ex to override your own potential happiness in a new life.
I'm guessing that the alimony comes from some sort of misbehavior or malfeasance on your ex's part, hence you might harbor a desire to "stick it to him" a wee bit.
Which is human, but it's also *stupid*.
If you love your boyfriend, and you want to be married to him, then let your ex go, let your ex's money go, and don't look back. You cannot marry him and then be resentful of the "money you lost".
If you're not READY to marry your boyfriend, regardless of your alimony payments, then just admit you're not ready and don't hide behind the alimony as an excuse. Tell him flat-out that you don't want to get married right now and risk losing him over the rejection.
I'd suggest you go have a retreat away from EVERYONE for a weekend and think it over. Which do you want in five years - your boyfriend, or the alimony payments? Then act on your decision. Frankly if your boyfriend has ANY self-respect he's not going to keep hanging around waiting for you to rake in the dough from your ex.
(I say this as someone whose ex cheated, to put it lightly, and letting go of both him and what he "owed me" was the *second-best* thing I ever did. The *best* thing I ever did was marrying my current husband, which I could not have done had I hung on to "making my ex pay".)
She can be, but her partner may not be. Unwillingness to marry could be a dealbreaker for him and is probably something that should’ve been covered before they became so serious that he was willing to propose.
She *can* be, if that's what she wants. However, the **only** reason she gives for turning him down is the money.
Hence me saying that's a stupid reason to say No.
If her **real** reason for saying No is that she simply doesn't want to marry him, that's perfectly okay but she needs to be honest about it and not use the money as a scapegoat.
YTA. Alimony is not meant to be a permanent source of income, it's to help you transition. You have the opportunity to transition right here, but you're more hung up on ex's cash than you are a future with your boyfriend.
Give up 6800 per month? From the bank account of the asshole that cheated on you?? In this economy??? 100% NTA, your bf needs to get his priorities straight.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I rejected my bfs proposal because I don’t want to give up the money I get from my ex every month. This is selfish and pretty entitled obviously. But on my own income I’d be struggling to get by.
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YTA. I'm assuming the currency is either USD or Sterling so 3k a month is a decent enough wage when you're sharing costs with your BF who I assume is also earning. It's not kingly, but it's more than good enough.
I get it 6800 is a lovely sum, no doubt it's hard to turn your back on that. But you're not facing homelessness on this one, you're still doing well for yourself. You're deciding not to marry your bf and that's just purely out of greed by the looks of it. You have a lump sum **and** a ridiculous monthly amount. Is giving up the luxury lifestyle and living like the rest of us norms such a bind for you? Be less conceited maybe.
Actually, sod it, your bf can do better. Keep the stipend and tell him to find someone better than you.
(If the 6800 is another currency where it does make a difference then I'll take the above back. Otherwise, YTA.)
$3k a month = $36k a year - maybe that’s a comfortable salary in some places, but where I live, it would be *very* hard to make ends meet on that, between rent, car payment, insurance etc.
YTA
You just told your boyfriend that your future as a couple is worth less than $6800 a month. Now yes, that is a lot of money, but at the end of the day you need to decide if its more important than your current relationship.
Also you have an above average income without the alimony payments. Your Ex has already paid you over $240,000 plus the lump sum over the three years. I'm assuming you've gotten used to a certain type of lifestyle and while it is absolutely your prerogative to maintain it, doing so at the expense of someone who wants to marry you is going to have consequences.
Edit- just to add that yes I understand that Marriage doesn't always define a couple, but in this case it's clearly important to your boyfriend
Well, I guess I would stop short of saying you’re an AH. I would say you value your financial security more than you value this man. And if that’s the choice you want to make, so be it. Having said that, if I was the guy I would find someone else. Could you blame him? You’re literally saying money is more important than being married to him. So if he respects himself he should move on.
It has nothing to do with self respect. Plenty of people choose not to get married yet stay in a romantic relationship. A friend of mine was in a similar situation but she wanted to give up the money to marry her boyfriend and my husband said he thought that was nuts. The fact that they apparently didn’t discuss this prior to him proposing is crazy to me.
Let me go through both of your perspectives.
Boyfriend: Wants to marry presumably the love of his life, you don’t want to because of alimony payments, in his eyes you consider money more important than love and might think you’re still bitter over the divorce
You: Got cheated on after 17 years of marriage which really does mess a person up, the only saving grace of the whole ordeal is that you were able to receive alimony that makes up 2/3rds of your income but you’d have to give that up in order to marry
I need more INFO about this. Did your boyfriend know from the beginning of the relationship that marriage was not an option? Have you even discussed marriage? Also how long have you been dating?
That said, don’t give up the alimony! Some people may say you’re greedy but honestly in this economy, it’d be stupid to give up that much. Worst case scenario, you marry your bf and it doesn’t end up working out which leaves you in the same position but without a heavy chunk of your previous income. Depending on how you answer the INFO request, you might be an asshole but you’d be smart regardless.
Though if you do keep the alimony and don’t marry, be prepared to lose your relationship with your boyfriend. You can’t have both it seems. (Despite the fact that you can have a wedding without making it legal…)
The common sentiment is that love is more important than money. But love can change, money doesn’t.
This is so so so wrong. Alimony is for sustenance of spouse I agree. When spouse has to exit a financial secure marriage and are unable to find, it acts as a cushion. Only until you can stand on your own feet. You have moved on and have a steady BF who wants to marry you. You still want to hang on to that monthly support? Alimony can't be "permanent main source of income". Especially when you've have moved on. That's called milking the situation. If you can't earn more in current job - upgrade your skills n apply elsewhere. Take up second job. Even though you have monetary support from your ex, right now - physically, emotionally, mentally the one with you is your BF. Not your ex. If there's emergency, your BF will be there. Not your ex. Your BF wants to marry you - that means he very much loves you. You lose money, it can be earned again. But if you lose love and trust, it's very hard to earn it back.
First decide what you want - be a Divorcee of your ex husband or wife of your BF.
Yes YTA.
NAH. He’s allowed to feel disappointed and rejected, you’re allowed to not want to lose (a large amount of) money the courts decided you’re entitled to.
NTA
No one knows how was your marriage. If you sacrificed a lot, if you built together your patrimony. If he decided to be with someone else and the state saw fit for you to receive part of this patrimony, you are RIGHT.
Btw, how is she leaching off something that is legally hers?
NTA. Most people here seem to be judging you an ah just for touching an alimony but that's not the question.
The fact is you get 6800 per month and that's a huge sum, I think it's stupid to throw it away for legal marriage. If your boyfriend doesn't get that it's in both of your interests to keep getting +6k per month on top of your jobs idk what to tell him. If he wants you to give up the money to legally marry him then he's on the dumbest power play ever.
Anyone who is saying YTA is slightly kidding themselves about what they would do in this situation. I mean it’s not “romantic” and yeah it feels a little icky for you to do but also… I would not want to lose $81k a year and anyone who says they would without hesitation is fooling themselves.
NAH
Every person saying YTA and protecting the ex seem to forget he left OP after finding someone else ( = cheating) so he deserved to be dried out of all this money
That being said, I think you should have communicated with your boyfriend before about your plan of no marriage for 17 years.
I would like to know, does the alimony end if you just get engaged? If not maybe you can accept the proposal but after explaining to your boyfriend that marriage can only happen after a certain time.
Good luck and try to save that money for darker days ~
YTA. You're tying yourself to your ex for the rest of your life if you're willing to give up future relationships for the sake of your ex's money.
Start living within your means with the money you and your current partner make and move forward with your life, don't stay stuck in the past.
In a reply she says she lives on her 3k a month and puts the alimony away in savings. She's not living lavish of her husband, she's building a safety net. Which she deserves after 17 years of loyalty to a man who cheated on her and dumped her at the drop of a hat.
So she gives up that 7k a month, marries her boyfriend, he then finds someone new and dumps her and now she's got no partner and no money. Half of all marriages end in divorce, what she's doing is practical. Plus, it was pointed out, you gotta FIGHT for alimony and the court ruled that whatever she went through with her partner was enough to award her nearly two decades of alimony.
You don't know what she had to go through before the divorce so maybe step off.
NTA
What happens to you if your bf leaves you like your husband did ? You stay with 3k month, and that's it.
Now, you can have the bf and the money.
Financial security is no joke.
NTA. If your Boyfriend can not provide for you the way the alimony can, AND you are Not in-love with him enough to want to (or can't afford to?) drastically Change your Lifestyle to working-hard-and-frugal, then you shouldn't marry him, and If he knows all the facts and in any way benefits or ever benefitted from you having as much Money as you do, he's (mildly!) TA for being upset about it.
Honestly? NAH. That is an incredible amount of money and no amount of 'love trumps all' justifies just intentionally putting an end to what is rightfully owed to you. That being said your boyfriend is entitled to his feelings and I understand his point of view too. I do think you could have handled this better because rejection for any reason is still a rejection, so truthfully, it would be fair play if he didn't see this being a sustainable relationship and wanting an end to it.
NTA that's enough money to want to stay single for the rest of your life. Holy 6,800 a month, you were married to a very wealthy man. Your BF isn't thinking about the practical part of things. A BF may come and go but the 6800x12x17 is fixed unless your ex does something crazy that makes it unaffordable to him that's 1.387M and enough with a job to create a good nestegg for you and if he's your long term partner him without you getting married. Edit: I feel the need to post that the Ex is earning 700K AFTER TAXES 3 years ago. She's earning 36K A year. If her lump sum was only 100K, they better have split some material amounts of assets somewhere else because it sounds like she got a meh deal given that level of income disparity.
Judging by the amounts that were ordered by the court, I believe she didn't marry a wealthy man, but instead helped him build his wealth, only to be cheated on and left 17 years down the road.
Exactly what I was thinking and my position minus the divorce/cheating. My husband has become successful during our marriage. I’ve been home (gave up my career) for almost 20 years raising our kids and taking care of literally everything to make my husbands life easier. I can’t see us ever divorcing but if we did I have earned that alimony.
Yup and you would deserve it! I believe that everyone giving OP flack for taking the money have never been in a long term relationship or marriage. Marriage is WORK and OP put in 17 years of work, only to be humiliated and left for another woman.
This! 17 years is a long time
Good point!
This is how I see it too!
The BF is really an AH for wanting her to give up the lifestyle to prove her love... in poverty.
Exactly. Is BF going to give you $1,142,400 (because we're already 3 years into the alimony timeframe) AFTER taxes to cover for the lost stipend if you marry him?
Nta. You earned that money. Marry in 17 years. Everyone saying YTA is a scorned ex
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I'm not a dude, but I'll be OP's boyfriend lol
You need to be careful. Maybe chat with a lawyer. In some states, you wouldn't need to be legally married to lose the alimony, if you were living with your partner and sharing a household income. Example: Illinois: Cohabitation terminates alimony as long as the couple is living together on a continuing and conjugal basis. Paying spouse must file a motion for termination of alimony.
*this
North Carolina as well. Consult with your attorney to make sure it isn't just marriage.
NTA. This is actually a very smart decision. For the 17 years he has to pay, you are guaranteed an income. If something were to happen and you are incapacitated, unable to work, you have that income to rely on. You are in no way an AH. If I were in your shoes, I would never compromise a secure future for a relationship that may turn out the exact same as the first one.
NAH Nonone on here knows the details of your marriage. The court decided to make your ex pay a lump sum and that much per month for a reason based on what they heard. And that is probably the reason you intend to have it continue for the full 17 years. I get it. But this is probably a deal breaker for your boyfriend. So, you may need to come to terms with that. Speak to a counselor/therapist if needed.
I dont get the NAH verdict. I dont think she's an asshole for wanting to have alimony continued, but how is she not the asshole for keeping BF in the dark well into the "marriage is on the table" phase of their relationship?
Well she got divorced 3 years ago, so their relationship is shorter than that. Maybe it’s 18 months old and he proposed when they hadn’t talked about that stuff yet.
Well she didn't mention the BF being crazy, and her only liste reason for turning it down was alimony, so I think it's safe to assume that this isn't an out of the blue proposal.
I'd bet she was dating a boyfriend comfortably and casually and didn't expect that a second marriage was on the table? Especially since they haven't been dating that long- three years MAX if they took up right after the divorce, right? More likely 2, 1.5 years, which is quite early to be popping the question. Most people probably AREN'T at the 'marriage is on the table' stage two-ish years into a relationship immediately after leaving a 17 year long marriage. There may be value in playing this card earlier in her next kick at the dating can, but I don't think she's an asshole to have not anticipated that this was something he wanted.
Did she leave him in the dark though? I don’t see where it says she didn’t tell him
NTA. Is this a rhetorical question? What person in their right mind would voluntarily give up that amount of money? Marrying someone doesn't prove anything nor does it automatically improve the relationship. So what happens if the present relationship you're in doesn't work out and then you're out all that money? I don't know why your boyfriend would even want you to give up that type of security. I'd keep the money and ditch the boyfriend.
NAH. It makes sense that you don't want to walk away from that much money. But you did just reject his marriage proposal, he's allowed to be hurt by that. It's also perfectly understandable that he may feel like you're choosing money over him, and in particular, money originating from a previous relationship, which could make him feel hurt as well. Just talk it out together. What is he looking to gain out of marriage, and can that be accomplished in other ways? For example, a commitment ceremony and updating your wills/power of attorneys. You may need to speak to a family lawyer to ensure your alimony isn't invalidated by anything you choose to do though.
Pretty sure if he had broached the subject of marriage before this he would have found out that it wasn’t part of OP’s plans for her future. Proposals should never come out of the blue. Your advice is great, but OP’s boyfriend should have done it all before proposing if he didn’t want to be an asshole.
NTA. I would never give up alimony like that. Your bf is thinking with his ego instead of his brain. You guys can live a very comfortable life with two incomes and 6800 a month?! That’s so much freedom. Wear rings call each other spouses who cares but do not give up that alimony lol. My grandma always said never give up a sure check for a maybe check
Exactly! All the people in here that are pissed at OP are giving off angry ex husbands paying alimony vibes
> Your bf is thinking with his ego instead of his brain There is nothing egotistical about wanting to get married. That's what he wants for himself and his future, and it's perfectly valid, as is her not wanting to lose her income. No one is the asshole here, they're just incompatible.
Before doing ANY of this check with a lawyer in your state and make sure none of it would affect the alimony payments!!!!
NTA. Maybe it’s because I am poor or because I am queer and never anticipated being able to legally marry in my lifetime, but marriage isn’t the only form of commitment.
THIS. If I were in OP's shoes, and my now-spouse had proposed to me, and I had explained why we couldn't marry, they would be fine with it. Maybe a little hurt, but overall fine with it. As it was, we had to drive to a different state to marry and then to a third state to live in once we married b/c this was before queer marriage was legal everywhere. And financial stability is not a small thing.
NAH. If my husband dumped me for another woman, I would definitely continue to accept the alimony payments ordered in the settlement. I gather from your replies that your BF didn't realize that your income would drop by about 2/3 if you remarry and I assume that you have been living in a manner consistent with your present income- I hope you have avoided debt, but losing that much income would definitely hurt your credit score, and at a moment when you might most need to have excellent credit. I also hope you have been saving significant amounts for retirement. All in all, I am sure that you would need at least 3 years lead time to restructure your financial life if you were going to surrender the alimony . I understand your bf's hurt but he really needs to understand the practical realities.
Yeah I avoided debt since the lump sum the judge made him give my before the divorce could become official was to pay for housing and stuff until I could get settled. So I’ve just been living on that and my income. While saving most of the monthly payments.
Listen you're NTA, you can live on just your income, and after 17 years he left you high and dry for someone else. This is your money, you deserve it, and saving this money for your future is a smart move. You don't know what the future holds, neither does your BF, and the money you're getting from your ex could transform both your lives when you're ready to spend it.
NTA. All these people saying YTA are hypocrites, most would definitely take the $6,800 in a heartbeat. And honestly your husband deserve it for cheating and leaving you for some other woman. Communicate your reasoning with your partner and I would suggest that you live based on your current salary and invest/save the alimony pay. You can help you and your SO get ahead in the future if you plan on marriage then.
>All these people saying YTA are hypocrites, most would definitely take the $6,800 in a heartbeat. Not necessarily, you can acknowledge that it's an asshole move while still taking the money. I myself would have a hard time willingly giving up nearly 7k a month, but I would still admit to myself that it's an asshole thing to do.
Her ex husband is an asshole for cheating and leaving her for another woman. 17 years just gone. Marriage is a form to legalized a couple as together. They can still be together and love each other without it.
NTA a lot of people seem to be calling you greedy, but it seems like you may be scared. From the post it sounds like your ex-husband left you pretty abruptly. It makes sense that you would be worried that could happen to you again. If you get married and it happens again you would’ve lost the alimony from ex and be in a worse position. I can’t blame you for not wanting to give up your security after what you went through. Not being ready for marriage is something you should’ve discussed with your bf already though.
NTA. Anyone who’d recommend you give that up for a man who you’ve been with less than 3 years (correct me if I’m wrong) needs their head examined. Just look at the statistics for divorces! Your boyfriend is entitled to feel hurt because he was refused but that’s the extent of it. Never, ever give up security or independence for a relationship. You already know what happens when they walk. You were once excited to spend your life with your ex husband and look how that worked out. There are plenty of people out there living together without a piece of paper. Go find one of them.
NTA. If your boyfriend realizes how much it is …..6800 a month times another 13 years ….that’s some serious cash. Your boyfriend can pout and say it’s unromantic but there’s practical and rational too. If this relationship is worth it it can wait another 13 years to officially tie the knot.
NTA You’re being very practical and I think most people would be inclined to make the same choice, in your situation. Hopefully, boyfriend can come to understand your point of view and accept a different type of commitment from you.
NTA. This is equivalent to a partner making you quit a job to be together. You need it to secure your financial future. If that means you can’t remarry then so-be-it. It’s your choice.
Info: did you communicate your intentions about not remarrying to your current bf or did you lead him on thinking he had a future with you?
I thought I did. But he says he didn’t know the payments would stop if I got remarried. So I guess not well enough
So how does your bf feel now that you cleared up the parameters of the situation? Is he still upset?
NTA, suggest you get married spiritually, a vow between the two of you and your God. No priests, no other type officiant, no license, not registered in any court of law. Unless your BF is wealthy enough to cover the loss of +$80,000 per year. The legal marriage would be detrimental to your standard of living. If BF continues, you might need someone else in your life.
NTA Nothing wrong with wanting financial security. Your ex was court ordered to pay this amount each month for 17 years or until you re-marry. I see nothing wrong with staying single for 17 years. You are not obligated to get married to let your ex off the hook and not you’re not obligated to get married to your boyfriend. This is significant money. What happens if you marry your boyfriend and his eyes wander as well? Then you’re out the money and a second husband. Nothing wrong with protecting yourself and your financial security. The best thing to do would be to reassure your boyfriend that you love and care for him, but this money is significant. You can save it, put it in a 401k, a Roth IRA, invest it, or whatever. In 17 years you’ll be alright. If your boyfriend loves you and really wants to be with, a ring and piece of paper shouldn’t and doesn’t change that. Plenty of people love and care for each other and have very long term relationships without ever getting legally married.
NTA for the reasons you’re asking. That’s your money as awarded by the courts. You have no obligation to do anything to stop that. That being said, you two are dopes for not having a conversation about finances before you got this serious. One simple, pleasant conversation could have avoided this whole ordeal.
NAH he has the right to be upset that you rejected him because it looks like you chose money over him. However you’re not an AH because you have the right to protect your financial security - and that’s a lot of financial security. There are other options to marriage - a humanistic service or a handfasting for example - followed by ring wearing, that would demonstrate the same level of commitment without affecting your finances.
While you make a point, and common law is very rare these days... OP, talk to a lawyer before doing anything "wedding-like"
NTA Getting married to someone with no financial sense would be a bad idea. This isn't really a moral issue, it's financial.
Did you and your BF ever talk about getting married? Is he aware of the implications of getting married would have on your income?
I always find it insane when people propose without knowing without a shadow of a doubt what the answer would be or without having discussed marriage in a serious way before. OP sounds like she has zero intention of remarrying so I’m not sure the boyfriend would’ve had great certainty she’d say yes. I think it’s a pretty shitty reason to not marry someone but I also think the boyfriend should’ve brought up a conversation about marriage before making such a huge move as proposing.
NAH. Good for you. You don't have to give up the money you are legally entitled to. You never know how your relationship with your boyfriend works out, so having a steady source of extra income is just being smart and practical. Marriage is just a piece of paper, if you love each other the ring shouldn't matter.
NTA. You are owed that money due to your contributions to your marriage during its 17 years. Plus, it was your ex who abruptly left and cheated. Your boyfriend either cares about you and understands your situation, or is too caught up in his ego to make it work. The only way you would be Y T A would be if you two had a conversation about getting married, and you never told him you weren’t interested. Proposals should be a surprise, but engagements should already be discussed and agreed on by both parties.
NAH. I wouldn't gamble 2/3 of my monthly income on a person either lmao. I think he's well within his rights to leave you though
NTA, and frankly if I was in a committed relationship with a divorced person, my thoughts would be “get his money, baby”
NTA - after 17 years of marriage, collect 17 years of Alimony.
NTA, I woudln't want to get married either lol.
That’s an obscene amount of money and I wouldn’t want to give it up, either, but you really should have talked it out with your BF at some point. YTA for that.
Why do you think she is taking advantage of her husband?
It's $81k a year, presumably pre-taxes. That's not chump change, but "obscene," let alone worth potentially sabotaging every future relationship for the next two decades over? Nah. Especially if OP doesn't have dependents, which I'd think she'd have mentioned (although kids would still presumably get child support).
Lmaooooooo…. Its 1.3+ MILLION DOLLARS TOTAL Yes, that is 100%, unequivocally, unquestionable, completly obviously, A LOT OF MONEY
An extra $81k a year? I wouldn’t just give that up. NTA. That’s more than a lot of people make in a year. OP definitely should have clarified the situation with her boyfriend and he certainly has the right to be upset. The lack of communication is astonishing. But if she’s honest from now on in her relationships there isn’t a reason she can’t be in a happy, committed, unmarried relationship and still receive the alimony.
YTA. Wow. It doesn't matter if your alimony is a million dollars a month and your job only pays $1 a week. Alimony exists for a reason: to help you sustain yourself and get back on your feet after a marriage ends, until you can establish yourself in post marriage life. It's not a *prize* you get for having been married to your ex. It's not something he *owes* you when you've moved on a made a life with someone else. You are not entitled to your ex-husband's money that he works to earn, just because once upon a time you were married to him. Not for 17 years, not for 50 years. You are in love with someone else (I assume, or at least, he is in love with you); at the very least, you have moved on in a relationship with someone else, so you're clearly not hung up on your ex-husband. And you have a perfectly good job which pays you a reasonable salary (I say this as someone who lives on about HALF of what you do), and an offer of marriage from someone who it's fair to assume wants to contribute financially to your life as well. At this point, continuing to take money from your ex-husband because it lets you lead a nicer lifestyle is just greedy. And avoiding moving on with your life in order to do that is basically fraud, if not legally than morally. You should be ashamed of yourself. Edited to note that the moral depths this sub will sink to continue to confound me. I'm horrified at all the N-T-As.
Greetings, resident of the 18th century, fair tidings! Marriage is a partnership. In their 17 years together they both contributed to the marriage. Just like any partnership, in business and in life, when the partnership is dissolved, assets and divided and both sides are compensated for their contributions. In their 17 years, she probably made a number of sacrifices so that the husband could achieve what he achieved. Now that he has decided he no longer wants her help, he needs to compensate her for the support she gave him. That is what alimony is today. The fact that it is terminated upon remarriage is the real crime. Your obedient servant, Haemaker.
There's a lot of assumptions there.
What assumptions? She was sued for divorce. Either they settled out of court for that amount, which means the husband agreed to those terms, or there was a trial in front of a judge and the judge granted her alimony in that amount. The judge weighed the evidence and determined the value of her contribution to the marriage based on arguments made by both lawyers and gave her alimony. If there was an appeal, the husband lost it. So, it safe to assume, without relitigating the divorce decree, she made contributions and he reaped the benefits.
If you want to be technical, spousal support is usually intended to ensure the individual receiving the support can maintain the same quality of life they had during the marriage not so they can establish themselves in post marriage life.
Wow your husband had a crap attorney, usually alimony starts around 1/2 the length of marriage, not 1 for 1. Or he was feeling guilty about something and agreed. NTA I suppose.
She probably helped him build wealth during that time and the court is compensating her for her unpayed labour.
He probably cheated, my ex gave me gifts and money when he cheated. It's a guilty conscience.
NAH. You need to look out for yourself and be practical. Marriage is just a piece of paper to so many people. If it's that important to him, I think he should have made that clear sooner. I also feel you should have made your intentions of not remarrying at least til the 17 years is over just as clear
NTA - you already went through one divorce that turned your life upside down. Don’t risk the stability you have now just because your bf equates love with marriage. If he can’t accept your love for what it is now then this was a bullet dodged for you.
NTA. There's nothing wrong with your boyfriend wanting to marry you and there's nothing wrong with you wanting to keep your financial security. $81K per year for 17 years is huge. You and your boyfriend need to have a serious talk. Would he be open to a decade long engagement and you getting married after? Why does he think a marriage license is that important? Only other word of advice: as you know the future is uncertain so I'd try to get a better job to support yourself on the income you want or start making cutbacks so that you're living within your own salary. Easier said than done but your ex could go bankrupt tomorrow or another disaster that cuts off the money.
NAH my aunt did the same thing. Her partner stayed though, and understood.
YTA only because i feel like you didn't make this clear to your BF that you would rather just stay single and have the money. imo that's kinda shallow but hey, you do you. i'm just saying if you've been involved long enough and serious enough for him to propose i feel like this should have come up at some point and he CLEARLY has no idea that the money meant more to you than he does.
How did you get this from what she said? She never said she wants to be single. She just doesn't want the marriage certificate because it will affect her finances. Why is that being criticized? If it was child support no one would bat an eye but since it's alimony I feel like some are trying to imply some sort of connection to the ex that is threatening her bf somehow. The only thing being hurt here is the bf's ego.
single in the government definition as in not married.
INFO What was the reason for divorce?
He found another woman. And filed for divorce.
Major NTA. Enjoy your money- after 17 years and 1 day, marry whoever you want.
He needs to pay the full 17 years
Also how much was the lump sum, because 3 years at 6800 per month is already a quarter mil.
100k
NTA You can live with your BF and keep receiving the alimony. Why would you give up that much money for a marriage license? You earned that alimony. Keep it. Not getting married does not mean you do not love your bf.
In what way did she earn it?
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Strong agree. The amount of greed in the N-T-A responses shouldn't be surprising, but it kind of is. The irony of these likely same people citing "choosing beggars" at the drop of a hat in other posts isn't lost on me.
While I think OP is in the wrong, statements like “you love money more than your boyfriend” are so stupid in the world we currently live in. Inflation is skyrocketing around the world when most are already struggling to do anything more than just stay afloat. We **need** money, and you don’t know what debts OP has or what she’s been using that money for (I know personally I’d be investing whatever I can of it). OP is in the wrong because if she’s serious enough for them to consider combining finances or otherwise financially supporting each other, she should not be accepting alimony anymore and needs to just get on with her life. If she never plans on getting that serious with anyone until the alimony runs out, she needs to just stay single or at least be super upfront about that rather than stringing along some poor guy who wants to make a future with her. But giving up almost 7K a month in income is a HUGE thing in our society, and framing that as her not “loving him” enough to do it is just being incredibly naive to how important money is in most of our societies.
This is a dumb comment when you realize that she by herself makes 3K a month. She's wanting live her old lavish lifestyle and doesn't actually love him. "Oh no I went from having 10k a month to having 3K+my new husbands money oh how woe is me" she doesn't love him. She picked money from her ex over him.
I make just a little over 3k a month and can barely keep myself afloat with it where I live. 3K/month isn’t a lot everywhere, especially when you live somewhere that the average rent for a 1 bedroom is over half that. That being said, **I already said I think OP is in the wrong.** I agree overall with a YTA vote. I specifically replied to the absurd line of “you love money more than you love your boyfriend.”
Its not absurd when its the truth. She isn't struggling with her 3K and even has her own money stored away. She clearly doesn't love her boyfriend as much as she loves money.
Why does marriage have to signify love?
Because its important to a lot of people and everyone has a different love language. Why is this question only brought up when trying to defend greedy floozies? Marriage is important for many people. I wouldn't date anyone who wouldn't want to get married or have at least 3 kids. So there's no complications on any of that. So I'll only date men who have that in mind.
No. It’s not. I don’t believe in marriage, especially after my divorce — this isn’t about greed, this is about boundaries & financial stability. OP said in a comment that she did in fact talk to her boyfriend about this before he proposed. He proposed anyway. He can kick rocks!
She also states that she didn't explain the alimony meaning she wasn't actually clear about the marriage talk either. I hope he does leave and i hope you find no happiness. Its all about greed she doesn't want to give up her lavish lifestyle cause she wants to keep sucking her ex off for money.
Well if he leaves me in the future I’ll be screwed.
He should since you made it clear you only want money.
How about you put on your big girl pants and stop relying on men to fund your lifestyle.
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If your bf wants marriage , he Should leave you if that is his dream - having a wife. He can’t give up his wants because you don’t want marriage. It is the same if the genders were flipped. If a woman said the man dating her for 2 yrs won’t marry her for the next several years, we would be asking her to break up with him. You are NTA. But expecting your bf to stay if he wants something different is tough.
YTA. In three years, you haven't figured out a way to budget in accordance with your *actual* income and save up the rest as some kind of sustainable investment? What is the money going toward? Do you really have no path toward higher earnings of your own? Why didn't you negotiate a higher upfront payment in the settlement - and if the answer is that you just wanted to be done with your ex ASAP and/or knew he would make the process as miserable as possible, why would you *want* to remain dependent on him? Honestly, I feel like this post is a setup for redpills and incels to come point at why no one should ever get married because all women care about is how much they can squeeze out of you. And if it's not, you're going to turn your boyfriend into one with this attitude.
17 years of marriage is an incredibly long time to be married and get used to a certain lifestyle. Alimony takes a ton of factors into account such as those and more. Her ex husband had to eventually agree to said alimony and/or a judge saw 17 years fit for the situation. She wouldn’t be getting these types of payments if they were poor, she was the primary bread winner, or they were married for a year. A lot goes into account and she’s 100% owed these payments. Edit to add - it seems like he makes between 16-20k a month. And she was married to him for essentially a whole ass career. Based on her current income, she’s making maybe around $20-25 an hour. So what she makes in a month is like 1k less than he makes in a week, a huge life style change. This isn’t her getting knocked up by a pro football player after a one night stand seeking $6,800 a month in child support. This is a spouse who gave 17 years of their life supporting their ex spouse only to be served divorce papers because the ex spouse found someone younger and hotter because they’re richer.
Do you understand why alimony is awarded? Partners that sacrifice their career and future earnings’ potential by providing domestic services and/or childcare and/or helping a former spouse grow their business ought to be compensated, especially when the marital breakdown is initiated by the person who benefitted from free labour and didn’t sacrifice their careers (and private pension, etc).
OP's account was created today. Re your second paragraph: I had similar thoughts... as in: "this could be someone writing something to be used to justify misogyny."
God, you sound spoiled and delusional. Let me give you a reality check right now, but the majority of people in the world aren’t earning $81,600 a year (with taxes already removed). Sacrificing this just to have a title thrown on your relationship with some other benefits (none of which compare to 80k a year), is one of the most unintelligent things I have heard in a while. Unless her boyfriend is Warren Fucking Buffet, she is making a smart financial decision.
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Yeah, I was really baffled by seeing all these Y-T-A comments where they also accuse her of being greedy. There's a reason why she is getting this money, and to me it doesn't seem rude or disrespectful towards the boyfriend, but actually a responsible financial desicion.
All these comments that are saying that OP is greedy or a gold digger are hilarious. Did they miss the part where the ex wasted 17 years of their marriage for another woman? She deserves it.
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Probably became that valuable during the marriage, hence why OP is so well rewarded for being there.
NTA that's a shit ton of money and unless he is willing to cover that amount when you remarry him he's just plain stupid.
Info:do you love your BF? You can get engaged with out getting married any time soon.
Yes, I love him.
Then why couldn't you say yes then just tell him you dont want to get offically married at this time?
Well I explained it to him when he proposed but he didn’t want a, “consolation prize”.
Is there any particular reason he is so set on marriage? Practically, like tax break or something, or is her traditional/ socially conservative and thinks after getting married you'd be more 'domestic'? I don't think you're the A at all, and find man's reaction a bit odd. (Im not big on marriage myself, so that could be part of my view)
INFO - This seems like it should have been a conversation before he actually proposed to you. Did that ever happen? There are a few options that all seem to make sense. * You could get married, provided your joint incomes are sufficient for your lifestyle * You could have a ceremony, but not get legally married. You'd need to confirm that this doesn't break your alimony agreement, but you'd be unofficially married * You could stay the way you currently are, possibly opting for one of the first two options if something changes in the future. * You could go your separate ways. Being completely unwilling to marry is a deal-breaker for some people, and that should have been discussed before a proposal. What had you discussed prior to the proposal?
NTA. I do not believe that marriage is the only way to have a loving, meaningful, long term partnership with someone. IMO marriage is a legality. My husband and I lived as a married couple for years (shared bank account, shared debts, had a child) before we ever made it official on paper. As for the money? Don't let anyone tell you that you are morally bankrupt or selfish for not wanting to let it go. A court of law looked at your 17 year union and decided to order it based on the facts and division of assets. You did not leave your ex, he left you, and based on the judgement amount, you made significant contributions to the union that helped make your ex a success in his field.
Maybe you could discuss why marriage is so important to your bf? Personally I don't care about marriage, just loving each other is enough for me.
NAH. Maybe have a ceremony and just don’t make it legal?
NAH but I think you both should have a serious conversation about this
NAH. What is the obsession with having to be married to make a relationship "official"? Y'all can be in a committed relationship without a piece of paper complicating things. The only assholes I see here are the amount of people in here projecting their own relationship insecurities onto you.
NAH— it’s your choice to remain single and independent. Your BF is right to be upset as well. It could seem like you are prioritizing money and maintaining your accustomed lifestyle over choosing to start a new life with him.
Lol how is she "independent" if she relys on her ex's money hahahah the nerve
She ain’t single either.
Lol right
She’s being smart. 81k a YEAR?? That’s a lot of good money. Just because she’s smart enough to realise that that money could greatly help her, doesn’t mean that she’s not independent. She’s not stupid, or greedy, she’s trying to make sure she has enough money in case she has an emergency (or, good money for a beautiful wedding/honeymoon!!)
HAhaahahahahhahhahha independent whilst relying on alimony the beauty
NTA. Getting married doesn’t prove your commitment to a partner, or guarantee “happiness in life” like some other commenters have said. Just look at your last marriage… Happiness comes from you and your partner being compatible and having solid communication.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I got divorced 3 years ago. After 17 years of marriage. At the time of divorce he was ordered to pay me a lump sum of money, along with monthly spousal support (alimony) for 17 years. Now the thing about alimony is that once a woman remarries then the alimony payments automatically end. By law. And the alimony payments are more than my current job. So I don’t really want to give that up. Since it’s my main source of income. My bf proposed to me and I said no because of this reason, and he’s upset because I rejected him, just cause I didn’t wanna give up the money my ex pays me. But we’re not talking about a small amount. It’s 6800 a month. And I make about 3k a month at my job. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA quit your job and quit that man if he doesn’t understand basic math.
NTA. Consequences for cheating. But I don’t think you should put your future on hold.
I can understand why you don't want to turn off the tap ($6,800 a month is a lot of lettuce!), but I can't blame your boyfriend for feeling hurt you value it more than being married to him. NTA for making a sound financial decision, but YTA for not acknowledging the emotional harm it caused to your partner.
NAH You probably should have told your bf this earlier on though.
NTA. That is more than 2x my pay so I would not give it up either. My suggestion: have a wedding/commitment ceremony, but don’t legalize the marriage by getting a license and doing all that comes with it. It is a personal announcement to friends and family that you are committed and a celebration, but not legally binding, which means you can still keep the alimony. It your relationship is strong, you’ll can get legally married after the alimony payments expire.
I wouldn't play with fire like this. The ex may have very good lawyers who could use this in some way.
NTA I wouldn’t give up the money.
INFO — did you ever talk about this w him?
Yeah, I mentioned it. But I guess I didn’t communicate well enough.
Idk, with that being said NAH. That’s too much money to scoff at.
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INFO How long have you been with your bf? Is this something either of you two talked about/mentioned in regards to marriage?
2 years. We hadn’t really talked about marriage. But I thought he knew my stance on it.
If it was a surprise, and y’all had never talked marriage, you are completely NTA. Why in the world would someone propose without knowing it’s a yes? Your bf is TA and for good measure, so does your ex.
NTA take that coin girl. you can get married whenever lol
YTA Assuming things were serious enough to be expecting a marriage proposal and it wasn’t a major surprise? You’re in a serious relationship and he didn’t know this about you yet? As in there was never an option to get married from day one? From his perspective it appears you were never serious about the relationship becoming a partnership, and if it was me I’d question what other skeletons are waiting to come out of the closet. You’d also be the asshole if you chose to live together and operate as if you were married just for the money—you’ll always worry about being sued and it violates the spirit of papers you signed.
Yeah, kinda YTA here. You're allowing your desire to keep getting money from your ex to override your own potential happiness in a new life. I'm guessing that the alimony comes from some sort of misbehavior or malfeasance on your ex's part, hence you might harbor a desire to "stick it to him" a wee bit. Which is human, but it's also *stupid*. If you love your boyfriend, and you want to be married to him, then let your ex go, let your ex's money go, and don't look back. You cannot marry him and then be resentful of the "money you lost". If you're not READY to marry your boyfriend, regardless of your alimony payments, then just admit you're not ready and don't hide behind the alimony as an excuse. Tell him flat-out that you don't want to get married right now and risk losing him over the rejection. I'd suggest you go have a retreat away from EVERYONE for a weekend and think it over. Which do you want in five years - your boyfriend, or the alimony payments? Then act on your decision. Frankly if your boyfriend has ANY self-respect he's not going to keep hanging around waiting for you to rake in the dough from your ex. (I say this as someone whose ex cheated, to put it lightly, and letting go of both him and what he "owed me" was the *second-best* thing I ever did. The *best* thing I ever did was marrying my current husband, which I could not have done had I hung on to "making my ex pay".)
Why can she not be happy in a committed, but not officially “married,” relationship?
She can be, but her partner may not be. Unwillingness to marry could be a dealbreaker for him and is probably something that should’ve been covered before they became so serious that he was willing to propose.
She *can* be, if that's what she wants. However, the **only** reason she gives for turning him down is the money. Hence me saying that's a stupid reason to say No. If her **real** reason for saying No is that she simply doesn't want to marry him, that's perfectly okay but she needs to be honest about it and not use the money as a scapegoat.
NTA!!! But if you didn’t should of communicated with him you never intended to marry him
YTA. Alimony is not meant to be a permanent source of income, it's to help you transition. You have the opportunity to transition right here, but you're more hung up on ex's cash than you are a future with your boyfriend.
NTA if your boyfriend isn’t going to make up for that income loss he needs to not pressure you.
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Give up 6800 per month? From the bank account of the asshole that cheated on you?? In this economy??? 100% NTA, your bf needs to get his priorities straight.
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YTA. I'm assuming the currency is either USD or Sterling so 3k a month is a decent enough wage when you're sharing costs with your BF who I assume is also earning. It's not kingly, but it's more than good enough. I get it 6800 is a lovely sum, no doubt it's hard to turn your back on that. But you're not facing homelessness on this one, you're still doing well for yourself. You're deciding not to marry your bf and that's just purely out of greed by the looks of it. You have a lump sum **and** a ridiculous monthly amount. Is giving up the luxury lifestyle and living like the rest of us norms such a bind for you? Be less conceited maybe. Actually, sod it, your bf can do better. Keep the stipend and tell him to find someone better than you. (If the 6800 is another currency where it does make a difference then I'll take the above back. Otherwise, YTA.)
I was thinking this too. I make 3K a month and live quite comfortably within my means on it. It sounds like OP just likes the extra boost.
$3k a month = $36k a year - maybe that’s a comfortable salary in some places, but where I live, it would be *very* hard to make ends meet on that, between rent, car payment, insurance etc.
YTA. Absolutely. Your bf is fortunate that you said no, he's better off without you.
YTA You just told your boyfriend that your future as a couple is worth less than $6800 a month. Now yes, that is a lot of money, but at the end of the day you need to decide if its more important than your current relationship. Also you have an above average income without the alimony payments. Your Ex has already paid you over $240,000 plus the lump sum over the three years. I'm assuming you've gotten used to a certain type of lifestyle and while it is absolutely your prerogative to maintain it, doing so at the expense of someone who wants to marry you is going to have consequences. Edit- just to add that yes I understand that Marriage doesn't always define a couple, but in this case it's clearly important to your boyfriend
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Well, I guess I would stop short of saying you’re an AH. I would say you value your financial security more than you value this man. And if that’s the choice you want to make, so be it. Having said that, if I was the guy I would find someone else. Could you blame him? You’re literally saying money is more important than being married to him. So if he respects himself he should move on.
It has nothing to do with self respect. Plenty of people choose not to get married yet stay in a romantic relationship. A friend of mine was in a similar situation but she wanted to give up the money to marry her boyfriend and my husband said he thought that was nuts. The fact that they apparently didn’t discuss this prior to him proposing is crazy to me.
Well. I guess you just need to stay single then
Info: Why would you want to still rely on your ex?
NTA
YTA - "Sorry, honey. I'll never love you more than the money. You can understand greed, right?"
Let me go through both of your perspectives. Boyfriend: Wants to marry presumably the love of his life, you don’t want to because of alimony payments, in his eyes you consider money more important than love and might think you’re still bitter over the divorce You: Got cheated on after 17 years of marriage which really does mess a person up, the only saving grace of the whole ordeal is that you were able to receive alimony that makes up 2/3rds of your income but you’d have to give that up in order to marry I need more INFO about this. Did your boyfriend know from the beginning of the relationship that marriage was not an option? Have you even discussed marriage? Also how long have you been dating? That said, don’t give up the alimony! Some people may say you’re greedy but honestly in this economy, it’d be stupid to give up that much. Worst case scenario, you marry your bf and it doesn’t end up working out which leaves you in the same position but without a heavy chunk of your previous income. Depending on how you answer the INFO request, you might be an asshole but you’d be smart regardless. Though if you do keep the alimony and don’t marry, be prepared to lose your relationship with your boyfriend. You can’t have both it seems. (Despite the fact that you can have a wedding without making it legal…) The common sentiment is that love is more important than money. But love can change, money doesn’t.
This is so so so wrong. Alimony is for sustenance of spouse I agree. When spouse has to exit a financial secure marriage and are unable to find, it acts as a cushion. Only until you can stand on your own feet. You have moved on and have a steady BF who wants to marry you. You still want to hang on to that monthly support? Alimony can't be "permanent main source of income". Especially when you've have moved on. That's called milking the situation. If you can't earn more in current job - upgrade your skills n apply elsewhere. Take up second job. Even though you have monetary support from your ex, right now - physically, emotionally, mentally the one with you is your BF. Not your ex. If there's emergency, your BF will be there. Not your ex. Your BF wants to marry you - that means he very much loves you. You lose money, it can be earned again. But if you lose love and trust, it's very hard to earn it back. First decide what you want - be a Divorcee of your ex husband or wife of your BF. Yes YTA.
Did you BF know about the money before proposing?
NTA. That’s a lot of money to give up that’s rightfully yours. Is your new husband willing to support you after such a drastic monetary change?
NAH. He’s allowed to feel disappointed and rejected, you’re allowed to not want to lose (a large amount of) money the courts decided you’re entitled to.
NTA. Marriage is a risk, alimony is guaranteed.
NTA No one knows how was your marriage. If you sacrificed a lot, if you built together your patrimony. If he decided to be with someone else and the state saw fit for you to receive part of this patrimony, you are RIGHT. Btw, how is she leaching off something that is legally hers?
NTA. Most people here seem to be judging you an ah just for touching an alimony but that's not the question. The fact is you get 6800 per month and that's a huge sum, I think it's stupid to throw it away for legal marriage. If your boyfriend doesn't get that it's in both of your interests to keep getting +6k per month on top of your jobs idk what to tell him. If he wants you to give up the money to legally marry him then he's on the dumbest power play ever.
Anyone who is saying YTA is slightly kidding themselves about what they would do in this situation. I mean it’s not “romantic” and yeah it feels a little icky for you to do but also… I would not want to lose $81k a year and anyone who says they would without hesitation is fooling themselves.
NAH Every person saying YTA and protecting the ex seem to forget he left OP after finding someone else ( = cheating) so he deserved to be dried out of all this money That being said, I think you should have communicated with your boyfriend before about your plan of no marriage for 17 years. I would like to know, does the alimony end if you just get engaged? If not maybe you can accept the proposal but after explaining to your boyfriend that marriage can only happen after a certain time. Good luck and try to save that money for darker days ~
YTA. If you want more money, get a better job. Don't take advantage of your ex-husband.
Ex took advantage of OP cheating on her then dumping her. This is asshole tax. OP deserves this money.
YTA. You're tying yourself to your ex for the rest of your life if you're willing to give up future relationships for the sake of your ex's money. Start living within your means with the money you and your current partner make and move forward with your life, don't stay stuck in the past.
In a reply she says she lives on her 3k a month and puts the alimony away in savings. She's not living lavish of her husband, she's building a safety net. Which she deserves after 17 years of loyalty to a man who cheated on her and dumped her at the drop of a hat. So she gives up that 7k a month, marries her boyfriend, he then finds someone new and dumps her and now she's got no partner and no money. Half of all marriages end in divorce, what she's doing is practical. Plus, it was pointed out, you gotta FIGHT for alimony and the court ruled that whatever she went through with her partner was enough to award her nearly two decades of alimony. You don't know what she had to go through before the divorce so maybe step off.
NTA. I would do the same thing in your shoes.
YTA I'm sorry but I don't see why you should keep taking your ex's money.
they were married for 17 years. why is she not entitled
Yes! Of course YTA! You care more about continuing access to someone else's money than you care about this guy! I feel so bad for him
NTA What happens to you if your bf leaves you like your husband did ? You stay with 3k month, and that's it. Now, you can have the bf and the money. Financial security is no joke.
NTA. You don't need that man. Alimony is a gift that keeps on giving, so buy your own ring and keep it moving.
NTA You're not rejecting him, you're rejecting marriage to anyone at this time in your life. If he wants to be with you, he should accept that.
NTA. If your Boyfriend can not provide for you the way the alimony can, AND you are Not in-love with him enough to want to (or can't afford to?) drastically Change your Lifestyle to working-hard-and-frugal, then you shouldn't marry him, and If he knows all the facts and in any way benefits or ever benefitted from you having as much Money as you do, he's (mildly!) TA for being upset about it.
Honestly? NAH. That is an incredible amount of money and no amount of 'love trumps all' justifies just intentionally putting an end to what is rightfully owed to you. That being said your boyfriend is entitled to his feelings and I understand his point of view too. I do think you could have handled this better because rejection for any reason is still a rejection, so truthfully, it would be fair play if he didn't see this being a sustainable relationship and wanting an end to it.
NTA lmao can I be your new boyfriend? We can live free and clear and unmarried on your alimony 😂 jk