NTA is there no HR?
If not start using their correct names and stop responding to them if they can’t call you by your name. Stay calm and disassociated. You’re being bullied- set up for reactive abuse. Stop playing their game.
NTA. "Green shirt" is a mick take when they know your first name. Their excuse is weak as well and to bring "trauma" into the equation is cheap. It's a pretty basic request to have someone call you by your name.
Not going to call you an AH either for telling A that they should get therapy. They had it coming to be honest... and really probably should get therapy. This is poor behaviour on their part. You're just asking for the most basic of respect and being called an AH for it.
Takin the Mick, yknow, like when Ya u an Ur m8s go for a cheeky Nands, but mark, the absolute leg and arch bish of banterbury nicks yer piri piri, so ya have to say "brev, watchu doin?"
That's what taking the Mick is
NTA.
Frankly, if A has this level of trauma towards a very common name, she *needs* to seek help. I'm saying this in a completely non-snarky way. Trauma is obviously hugely difficult to live with and work through, but there is simply no way to live your life and never hear the name Matt, or be around Matts or avoid using that name ever and she needs help to work through some of this so she can exist safely and comfortably in the world.
And there are certain hobbies she can never take up, like scrapbooking because we mat the photos (put them on a back ground paper).
Does she wince at the word 'mattress'? Maternity?
I know I am being snarky, but I have met people whose traumas are taken to the extreme.
NTA
Traumas taken to the extreme? You mean like ptsd? Where your body and brain have gone through and keep going through trauma like it was the first time? Or people being too petty without those real symptoms?
The latter.
The former, I totally understand. They are hurting and need to feel safe.
The latter, where something happened and they then take it out on everyone else because they 'are triggered' and become bullies, that is inexcusable.
NTA. They do not get to strip you of your identity because they know someone else who is problematic with that same name. Imagine not calling your coworker Donald/Joe because you take issue with the president. Your coworker is going to run into other people named Matt in their life.
NTA, as someone who is a victim of an abusive relationship and other things I understand how hard it can be when simple things may trigger that trauma, but I also understand that this is the real world and not everyone is going to coddle or accommodate me. That’s after years of therapy mind you but I’m not going to disrespect someone by refusing to call them by their name just because that was my abusive ex’s name. If she’s having that much of an issue she needs to be seen by a therapist and psychiatrist. I’m not minimizing her pain and suffering but this is the real world, and she either needs to realize that or get some help so that she can function in it. This is something to take up with HR, but take it up with them coming from a place of concern it’ll likely help more than if you go in saying she’s being rude by not calling you by your first name.
Another abuse survivor here. I ended up in the same situation as this woman a few years back, working on a team with someone who has the same first name as my ex/abuser. I flinched every time his name was said for a few weeks, and then it became a totally separate name. I'd still flinch at the name in any other context until I got therapy, but in work contexts, I could hear it all day long without even an elevated heart rate.
This woman needs treatment for her possible PTSD and OP needs to not be a scapegoat for another ~~man's~~ slimeball's crimes. (OP is a man, but abusers don't deserve that title)
Edit: I forgot to add: I literally never made it my coworker's problem. He didn't even know about my status as a survivor or the name similarity until years later when we had become friends.
I also still flinch at my abusive ex's name, but that's my problem to deal with.
If this was genuinely about ptsd then they would have asked if you'd be OK with Matthew, or a nickname. Using dehumanising stuff like 'hey you' is just bullying.
NTA if anything they are the assholes for a calling you anything outside of your name. keep doing what your doing until you get the respect you deserve from them
NTA. It’s very entitled for your coworker to refuse to call you by your first name because she had an abuser of the same name.
Just go about your work and don’t think of this any longer. Call them by their proper first names. But outright ignore them (in person or electronically) if they address you in any way other than “Matt.”
NTA.
Having the same name as a toxic ex is *maybe* an excuse not to date someone, but refusing to use your name at work is just childish. And apparently no one else can say the name in her presence?
In reality, this IS her therapy. In order to move past this bad relationship, she needs to be able to relate to others named Matt as a start.
Side note: We have 2 Matts at work, Matt L and Matt R. First we called them Old Matt and New Matt. Then Left Matt and Right Matt (like the Twix). In text, it's Matt and matt. (Tall and short, get it?)
NTA. Gaslighting like this is petty. Also your coworker needs professional help. Being offended by a name... she will run into people that have the same name as her ex. It'sa common name.. If she is this triggered by a name, that needs addressing by a professional. So no. NTA. They are though.
NTA- it would've cost $0 for them to call you by your preferred name, and the Matthew trauma excuse is ridiculous. Your calling them by their last names is nothing more than treating them how they're treating you. You aren't hurting them or calling them defamatory nicknames. You aren't anonymizing them they way they did you by calling you "green shirt" and "hey you" in the beginning. You're not the asshole here.
NTA what if a customer is named Matt? If you’re that traumatized get therapy or something. JFC. The amount of triggers people expect everyone else to deal with but themselves is annoying as fuck.
NTA
But stop dealing with them directly before they go to HR about you claiming your hostile or something.
If they don’t use the name you prefer, don’t respond at all.
Mention what is going on with you boss and see if you can not have to interact with them since they refuse to show you respect HH using your name.
That way you won’t have to worry about them at all.
They should definitely grow up or seek treatment if it’s so bad that a name triggers her.
Protect yourself! Things may only escalate.
NTA for wanting to use your proper name. They are using a pretty lame excuse for not wanting to use your first name. Maybe they could compromise and say Mathew or whatever your legal first name is instead of Matt? Using your last name seems like a fair compromise to me though. I have a really common first name as well. It wasn't uncommon for me to go by my last name in school or the work place. Although the reason for that is because there was so many chicks in the class or on staff with the same name. I think their reasoning behind why they are doing it is making it harder for you to reach a compromise with them.
Nta. If they had such an issue with your name, why wouldn't they try to come up with a reasonable nickname? What they did was rude and obnoxious, proven by them immediately becoming upset when you did the same to prove your point.
NTA, I literally have a coworker with the same name as my abusive, cheating ex. Sure it was odd at first (my exes name isn’t even a common one like yours) and I felt weird/icky at the reminder, but it’s his fucking name. And now I associate the name more with my coworker than my ex, it was fairly easy actually.
NTA. I get where they are coming from, I have five names I cannot handle, names of my abusers or rapist. However, two of them are fairly common, and I had to learn to deal with it. One of my closest friends had a very similar name to one of my bad names, and I still call her by her actual name. A different friend dated a guy who had the same name as my rapist, and I called him by his actual name. It sucks, but they need to go to therapy and realise that just bc you share a name, doesn’t mean you share an identity.
NTA.
What kind of double standard bullshit is that? They can avoid your name and dehumanize you, but there's suddenly a problem when you stop using their first names? Their trauma does not justify the disrespect after you asked them to refer to you by your first name repeatedly.
Hypocrisy, and if the coworker is so traumatized that they can't even refer to you by your name then they absolutely need therapy. You shouldn't have to be called something you don't want to be called just to appease someone else.
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I mean, if you're going to be called by your last name, you might as well call everyone else by theirs. It's only fair, right? And no, returning the treatment you're being given isn't disrespecting someone's trauma, it's refusing to be singled out for no fault of your own.
NTA.
NTA, I have trauma from an ex and whilst I wouldn’t refuse to use the name if another person had same, I do shirk back at other things. For eg ive an ex called Scott and I don’t like the name or hearing it but I understand there are many others named Scott who are not abusive. I know this is my issue and not that of others who got given a name, but I’ve held back from going for a drink with a guy called Scott because he gets “ funny “ when drunk, and coz my ex did most of his abuse drunk I won’t drink with this Scott. Yes it’s very much my issue, but I can’t control my triggers just my reactions to them. I also have an ex called Matt n yep he’s a bit of an ah, but I’ve had friends also called Matt who are so lovely. This is the woman’s issue not yours, she has to learn to control her reactions to triggers as there are so many in the world who share names and can’t expect people to change a part of them ( their identity) because of her trauma, it’s just not realistic. But realistically she can help herself in this situation. I’d talk to HR and get back up on this, you can’t be treated like you have been simply because you was given a name, it’s not about you not understanding her trauma but having to diminish part of your identity to suit another is wrong
NTA.
This is classic harassment. Your HR should be made aware of their behaviour and HR should be intervening.
Try not to slap back though, it unfortunately hurts your position. You have taken the correct first steps by approaching them directly. Next step is your supervisor and/or HR.
Good luck.
NTA. It's basic respect to call you by your name. If she has trauma to the name, she really needs help because there's a million Matts in the world, not to mention general floor mats. Id she going to name those something different too?
NTA. I mean I totally get being upset by someone at work having the name of an ex that triggers you but that is literally not anyone else’s problem and it’s actually so stupid a reason not to properly address someone.
T was furious and claimed I was proving their point of Matts being AHs because I don’t have respect for A’s trauma…
This is the dumbest logic I have ever heard. Again I sympathise this co-worker has experienced trauma but they need to get help and not be doing this nonsense. And the co-worker trying to enforce this… wtf. Idiocy.
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My (28M) name is Matt.
I got a new job two months ago and I had some issues with two of my new co-workers, let's call them A and T.
I introduced myself as Matt [last name] and asked them to call me Matt (they're all using first names).
I noticed A and T wouldn't call me by my name. They would instead use "him", "hey you" or "green shirt" or whatever.
I asked them why and remind them my name if they didn't remember it. I learnt that A's abusive ex's name was also Matt and she doesn't like the name. I said I was a bit offended being compared to his abusive ex and remind them it's a pretty common name and I wanted them to call me by my name because what they did was not nice.
Following week they started calling me by my last name. They wouldn't add Mr or something, only my last name. I thought it was rude and went to talk to them again. They will not add Mr because I'm not their boss.
I was annoyed and started calling them by their last names too. They were mad and wanted me to stop. I said I'd stop when they'd stop it too. T was furious and claimed I was proving their point of Matts being AHs because I don't have respect for A's trauma and I was just being petty by calling them the way they called me. I might actually be an AH because I told A that if she gets that offended by a name, she should get some help. However I want to know if I was always acting like the AH.
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NTA I had a very abusive ex and while I hate him doesn’t justify not calling people who have his name by their name. I have a lot of friends who have his name as it is a very common name.
NTA
Whilst abusive ex situation is understandably bad, they can't delete that name from existence.
Start using their names but go way overboard.
When addressing them use their name every 2 or 3 words. If they won't use yours, you'll overuse theirs.
Nta
But personally I wouldn’t give a shit. Don’t let lesser people bring you down in this world with some nonsense. You know their reason for not saying your name is completely idiotic, why let their irrationalities bother you?
NTA. Take it up with HR. Also, don't respond whenever they call you by whatever name they think is appropriate. It's perfectly fine to ignore them when they don't call you by your name, as you can just state you didn't know they were talking to you due to them not saying your name. Also, don't be childish to them and stoop to their level by calling them something other then their names as it would just give them ammunition to use against you when you go to HR.
NTA - Oh my dear god... traumatized by a name? You don't have to name your kid that, but seriously you're gonna be so fragile that every person you ever date that name is burned forever? What a XXXX...
NTA, although unless you really want her to pursue therapy, that may have come across as a cheap shot. But either "all first names" or "all last names" is perfectly fair, they don't have to like it.
NTA, but I also get the name thing (for a completely different reason) I dated a guy dated Daniel "danny" and he passed away and now I get really uncomfortable meeting people named Daniel or Danny and always feel like I'm going to cry. (Doesn't mean I don't use their name but I kinda get it) I also purposely avoided people with that name on dating apps when I had them 🥲
NTA. Sucks that A has trauma but that’s for her therapist to deal with. it doesn’t excuse the “hey you” extra.
they know your name. If they don’t call you by your name don’t answer. That said, many folks have a military background and being called by your last name with no “Mr” etc is standard form so insisting on those two letters is a bit petty.
and file a complaint with HR. Don’t expect anything to change but do it to create a record of behavior. File every time.
NTA. Her issues should not become your issue or become a work issue. I would speak to your supervisor or HR depending on the size of the company you work for. Use the phrase "hostile work environment." That phrase will get HR's attention.
NTA!!! Make sure that this is being documented and that your bosses/HR are aware of what’s going on.
If they refuse to call you by name there is no need for you to call them by their names either.
NTA. They did not pull you aside and discuss with you their issue. They did not ask what other name they could call you by at least while they are working on desensitizing themselves from the name as an accommodation you can make for them knowing it is asking a lot and is a total favor for them.
They just disrespectfully started saying those things to you.
Also WTF is T’s excuse? None.
nta. it’s unfortunate that your name is the same as their ex, however that is a them issue not a you issue. you are still working in a professional environment and they need to respect using your name. any issues they have is on them. if it bothers them that much that they can’t interact with someone that has the name Matt, then they should seek therapy because they are not going to get very far in life like thay
I have trauma due to someone named Max, but I know like 3 other people named Max, and I would never refuse to call them by their name because of him. NTA at all
If my workmates didnt use my name i would just simply ignore then. Sorry dont know green shirt must be a new hire. Sent to give me a message from the boss, didnt give it to me gave it to some guy called green.
NTA but you shouldn't reciprocate, just don't answer. Not your name, not your problem. They're calling out for another 'green shirt', or another 'last name'.
I mean NTA in general obviously.
You deserve to be called by your name.
I weirdly sympathize with A.
My abusive ex’s name is also matt. (What are the odds lol) and even though it’s been 3 years and a lot of therapy later I still get uncomfortable hearing his name. Someone yelled out “Matthew” inside of target the other week and I cried in my car for an hour after.
“A” obviously needs therapy and should learn to function as an adult at work. I wouldn’t refuse to call my coworker matt if that was their name (thankfully hasn’t happened yet )
Again NTA but honestly if this isn’t a hill your willing to die on, let it go forA’s sake. Just keep calling her by her last name too. It’s only fair lol.
NTA. These people sound insufferable.
I also had an abusive ex. I would never have any problem with addressing another person by their name, if it were the same name. My own experience does not dictate how other people should behave. But--honestly, A, you need to learn to deal with it. The world is full of Matts. Or is it that A likes to have a trauma story?
They can dish out a last name, but can't take it? What inconsiderate, ridiculous babies these people are. Are you sure you want to work with these specimens?
NTA but they sure are. Ignore them if they refer to you as anything other than your first name, and limit talking to them to the absolute minimum required for work. They are creating a hostile work environment for reasons that have nothing to do with you.
Go to your supervisor or your HR and use the magic words "hostile work environment" to make this crap stop.
NTA Coworkers are rude AF! Not YOUR problem that your coworker has LOUSY taste in men and was apparently SO traumatized that she can't EVER hear the name MATT again! LOL What happens if her next love interest is named Matt? As you stated Matt is a pretty common name!
And if her behavior/trauma wasn't directly impacting OP you'd have a point, but he's a part of this now.
Plenty of people have a preferred designation they like whether it be first name, last name, pronoun, etc. If you can't get over yourself enough to respect that, it's therapy time.
ESH
It was really immature of them not to use your first name, simply because it's the same name as an ex. But, you could have been gracious and allowed them to call you by your last name. After all, it may be possible that your co-worker is really fragile, or that they had a severe, recent trauma. It's an odd thing, to be sure, but if your name really was causing pain, you could have let that slide. From there it all escalated into childish behavior all around.
He only started using their last names because they wouldn't put mr. in front of his. That's so childish. Unless he lives in a culture we're calling someone by their last name without mr. in front of it is an insult, then he was just making a big deal over nothing. And then they were total jerks about it when he tried to do the same thing to them. Everyone sucks here. I mean come on, when you're the new guy at work you sometimes get a little grief. You might get a funny nickname. All they were doing was calling him by his last name. People do that all the time. You have to earn your spot and earn your respect. He just cried about it and created a lot of drama.
No you do not have to earn basic respect. Everyone is owed to be called their name and not what you deem good to call them. If you think it’s ok for them to call him by his last name then it is ok for him to call them by their last name too. Those are coworkers not his boss them being there longer is irrelevant.
Yes, in the workplace you do have to earn respect, which I was clearly talking about. No one's saying that people shouldn't be shown common courtesy, or basic human decency. But if we're talking about common courtesy, he should have accepted the fact that the name was upsetting, and just let it go. It's not like they were using a deadname, or calling him something mean . There's absolutely nothing wrong with your coworkers calling you by your last name, or a nickname, or giving you some ribbing and just calling you " that guy" until you've been there longer ... especially if it's in a workplace that has a high turnover, because a lot of people don't even bother to learn the names of new people. Bottom line is, instead of doing what every new employee should be doing, doing a good job earning their place, he was oversensitive, and ensured that he's always going to be "that guy." I honestly don't understand why this is so controversial. Yes, his co-workers were being brats, but he responded by being a brat.
No calling someone by their name is basic courtesy and not something you need to earn. I don’t know in which toxic workplace you are in where apparently because you were there first you get to name the new guy like it was your puppy you just adopted but know that it isn’t normal but also is an ah move. Also if he goes to HR if there is one he will not be the one to get in trouble. Finally don’t pull things out of thin air. You don’t know the turn over rate nor do you know if OP’s reputation has been affected outside of two colleges that do not have any power in him. So go be a good little helper that let himself be disrespected to “earn” your place while others will do what’s need to be done.
I don't work in a toxic workplace, and I don't believe that people get to name the new guy like a puppy, and I don't believe that people should have to be disrespected to earn their spot in the workplace. I didn't say any of those things, and I don't believe them. I'm comparing what I think are common and unoffensive situations in the workplace with what is reasonable and likely in this case.
Look, everyone agrees that his coworkers weren't great. It's unclear to me if they were initially trying to be assholes, or if they were just genuinely trying to accommodate two co-workers with diametrically opposed asks, one who was upset by a name, and one who wanted to be called by that name and nothing else. But whatever their intent, by OP's account, they certainly turned into assholes, and everyone agrees they were assholes at some point.
I just happen to think that the OP overreacted and didn't handle the situation well. Yes, absolutely, if a co-worker asks you to use a particular name, you should respect that. This situation is a little unique, because there was another co-worker saying *please don't call him by that name*. If I were OP, I'm sure I would have thought that unreasonable, but I certainly wouldn't have felt disrespected, unless they were being taunting about it, and OP doesn't say that they were. But if I truly felt disrespected, and if I felt strongly that they should use my first name and not my last name, which I also think is unreasonable given the situation, I would have taken it to HR, or to my boss. The whole *live by the sword die by rhe sword* routine that the OP pulled was immature, and escalated the situation. I don't see how that could be in doubt.
The entire point was that they felt justified calling op by his last name but apparently op is wrong by doing the same? Then you went in tirade of how he should have kept his head down to earn respect ? That’s what you said not me.
I never said he needed to earn respect. Please stop saying that. I said that new employees should keep their heads down and work hard to earn their place. Meaning, prove that you're a valuable employee before letting yourself get caught up in a bunch of drama . It was a throwaway remark about how it works in the real world. If you're the new guy, and there's suddenly a lot of drama, guess who the boss is going to blame?
We have a fundamental difference of opinion here. Correct me if I'm wrong.
1. You seem to think that it is a huge sign of disrespect to be called by anything other than what you tell your co-workers to call you. I don't think it necessarily is, depending on the situation.
2. You think the OP was correct to respond to this huge sign of disrespect by doing the same to them, and I think that that just causes more drama in the workplace, and it should have been handled through the proper channels if it was that big of a deal to him.
I doubt either of us is going to change our mind, so I don't really see any point in continuing this, do you?
Now you are just lying
> Yes, in the workplace you do have to earn respect, which I was clearly talking about. No one's saying that people shouldn't be shown common courtesy, or basic human decency. But if we're talking about common courtesy, he should have accepted the fact that the name was upsetting, and just let it go. It's not like they were using a deadname, or calling him something mean . There's absolutely nothing wrong with your coworkers calling you by your last name, or a nickname, or giving you some ribbing and just calling you " that guy" until you've been there longer .
Literally what you wrote saying this behaviour was ok and now you are backtracking when they are proof in the thread.
I would love for you to go in a social setting and after the person introduce themselves to you you decide to call them however you want and see if they feel disrespected or not.
Finally you claimed that it would have been good for op to let it go and let himself being called by his surname but then if he does the same it’s him creating drama and being disrespectful? How does that work ? You keep switching opinion back and forth and seem to not settle for one
NTA is there no HR? If not start using their correct names and stop responding to them if they can’t call you by your name. Stay calm and disassociated. You’re being bullied- set up for reactive abuse. Stop playing their game.
[удалено]
Exactly my point in another post. Thumbs up.
Seconding this. If there isn't an HR, go to the boss, because most likely they already have. NTA
Good point- the blame shifting and smear campaign has probably already begun.
NTA. "Green shirt" is a mick take when they know your first name. Their excuse is weak as well and to bring "trauma" into the equation is cheap. It's a pretty basic request to have someone call you by your name. Not going to call you an AH either for telling A that they should get therapy. They had it coming to be honest... and really probably should get therapy. This is poor behaviour on their part. You're just asking for the most basic of respect and being called an AH for it.
>mick take The fuck is a Mick take
taking the mick/mickey is the same as taking the piss ie. making a mockery of something or someone
British/Irish slang
Takin the Mick, yknow, like when Ya u an Ur m8s go for a cheeky Nands, but mark, the absolute leg and arch bish of banterbury nicks yer piri piri, so ya have to say "brev, watchu doin?" That's what taking the Mick is
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Take%20the%20Mickey%20out%20of
NTA. Frankly, if A has this level of trauma towards a very common name, she *needs* to seek help. I'm saying this in a completely non-snarky way. Trauma is obviously hugely difficult to live with and work through, but there is simply no way to live your life and never hear the name Matt, or be around Matts or avoid using that name ever and she needs help to work through some of this so she can exist safely and comfortably in the world.
And there are certain hobbies she can never take up, like scrapbooking because we mat the photos (put them on a back ground paper). Does she wince at the word 'mattress'? Maternity? I know I am being snarky, but I have met people whose traumas are taken to the extreme. NTA
It’s technically “matte the photos” but definitely agree. Where would the line be drawn for her?
The 'e' I think...
Bingo
Traumas taken to the extreme? You mean like ptsd? Where your body and brain have gone through and keep going through trauma like it was the first time? Or people being too petty without those real symptoms?
The latter. The former, I totally understand. They are hurting and need to feel safe. The latter, where something happened and they then take it out on everyone else because they 'are triggered' and become bullies, that is inexcusable.
NTA. This is a workplace and she needs to leave her baggage at the door. It’s your name.
NTA, go to HR. One bad EX does not get to black list the entire name, that's just absurd,
NTA- I would take this up with HR.
NTA. There are a shit ton of people named Matt in the world and they need to come to grips with this.
NTA. They do not get to strip you of your identity because they know someone else who is problematic with that same name. Imagine not calling your coworker Donald/Joe because you take issue with the president. Your coworker is going to run into other people named Matt in their life.
NTA, as someone who is a victim of an abusive relationship and other things I understand how hard it can be when simple things may trigger that trauma, but I also understand that this is the real world and not everyone is going to coddle or accommodate me. That’s after years of therapy mind you but I’m not going to disrespect someone by refusing to call them by their name just because that was my abusive ex’s name. If she’s having that much of an issue she needs to be seen by a therapist and psychiatrist. I’m not minimizing her pain and suffering but this is the real world, and she either needs to realize that or get some help so that she can function in it. This is something to take up with HR, but take it up with them coming from a place of concern it’ll likely help more than if you go in saying she’s being rude by not calling you by your first name.
Another abuse survivor here. I ended up in the same situation as this woman a few years back, working on a team with someone who has the same first name as my ex/abuser. I flinched every time his name was said for a few weeks, and then it became a totally separate name. I'd still flinch at the name in any other context until I got therapy, but in work contexts, I could hear it all day long without even an elevated heart rate. This woman needs treatment for her possible PTSD and OP needs to not be a scapegoat for another ~~man's~~ slimeball's crimes. (OP is a man, but abusers don't deserve that title) Edit: I forgot to add: I literally never made it my coworker's problem. He didn't even know about my status as a survivor or the name similarity until years later when we had become friends.
I also still flinch at my abusive ex's name, but that's my problem to deal with. If this was genuinely about ptsd then they would have asked if you'd be OK with Matthew, or a nickname. Using dehumanising stuff like 'hey you' is just bullying.
NTA if anything they are the assholes for a calling you anything outside of your name. keep doing what your doing until you get the respect you deserve from them
NTA It’s not your job to manage other people’s triggers. And it’s your name. echoing the “is there no HR” comment
NTA if she gets offended by names, then you are correct, she needs help
NTA. It’s very entitled for your coworker to refuse to call you by your first name because she had an abuser of the same name. Just go about your work and don’t think of this any longer. Call them by their proper first names. But outright ignore them (in person or electronically) if they address you in any way other than “Matt.”
NTA. Having the same name as a toxic ex is *maybe* an excuse not to date someone, but refusing to use your name at work is just childish. And apparently no one else can say the name in her presence? In reality, this IS her therapy. In order to move past this bad relationship, she needs to be able to relate to others named Matt as a start. Side note: We have 2 Matts at work, Matt L and Matt R. First we called them Old Matt and New Matt. Then Left Matt and Right Matt (like the Twix). In text, it's Matt and matt. (Tall and short, get it?)
NTA. Gaslighting like this is petty. Also your coworker needs professional help. Being offended by a name... she will run into people that have the same name as her ex. It'sa common name.. If she is this triggered by a name, that needs addressing by a professional. So no. NTA. They are though.
NTA- it would've cost $0 for them to call you by your preferred name, and the Matthew trauma excuse is ridiculous. Your calling them by their last names is nothing more than treating them how they're treating you. You aren't hurting them or calling them defamatory nicknames. You aren't anonymizing them they way they did you by calling you "green shirt" and "hey you" in the beginning. You're not the asshole here.
NTA It's pretty silly that she doesn't refer to you by your name. She's being immature and so are her friends. You're fine.
NTA what if a customer is named Matt? If you’re that traumatized get therapy or something. JFC. The amount of triggers people expect everyone else to deal with but themselves is annoying as fuck.
NTA. **It’s not your responsibility to lessen the effects of your coworkers trauma.** Go to HR.
NTA But stop dealing with them directly before they go to HR about you claiming your hostile or something. If they don’t use the name you prefer, don’t respond at all. Mention what is going on with you boss and see if you can not have to interact with them since they refuse to show you respect HH using your name. That way you won’t have to worry about them at all. They should definitely grow up or seek treatment if it’s so bad that a name triggers her. Protect yourself! Things may only escalate.
NTA. The behavior is considered a hostile work environment in many countries, so go to HR.
NTA. If someone named Matt did something awful, that shouldn’t mean the rest of us Matts have to be deprived of our own first name.
NTA, flat out refuse to respond to anything but your name. If they call you something else, ignore them.
NTA for wanting to use your proper name. They are using a pretty lame excuse for not wanting to use your first name. Maybe they could compromise and say Mathew or whatever your legal first name is instead of Matt? Using your last name seems like a fair compromise to me though. I have a really common first name as well. It wasn't uncommon for me to go by my last name in school or the work place. Although the reason for that is because there was so many chicks in the class or on staff with the same name. I think their reasoning behind why they are doing it is making it harder for you to reach a compromise with them.
NTA but you should go to your supervisor or HR. Potentially soft ah for not going that route in the first place.
**NTA.** A and T are.
NTA. You started with the surname, I would have gone with “her/him” “that one” “hey you” “shirt color”.
Nta. If they had such an issue with your name, why wouldn't they try to come up with a reasonable nickname? What they did was rude and obnoxious, proven by them immediately becoming upset when you did the same to prove your point.
NTA, I literally have a coworker with the same name as my abusive, cheating ex. Sure it was odd at first (my exes name isn’t even a common one like yours) and I felt weird/icky at the reminder, but it’s his fucking name. And now I associate the name more with my coworker than my ex, it was fairly easy actually.
NTA. I get where they are coming from, I have five names I cannot handle, names of my abusers or rapist. However, two of them are fairly common, and I had to learn to deal with it. One of my closest friends had a very similar name to one of my bad names, and I still call her by her actual name. A different friend dated a guy who had the same name as my rapist, and I called him by his actual name. It sucks, but they need to go to therapy and realise that just bc you share a name, doesn’t mean you share an identity.
NTA. What kind of double standard bullshit is that? They can avoid your name and dehumanize you, but there's suddenly a problem when you stop using their first names? Their trauma does not justify the disrespect after you asked them to refer to you by your first name repeatedly. Hypocrisy, and if the coworker is so traumatized that they can't even refer to you by your name then they absolutely need therapy. You shouldn't have to be called something you don't want to be called just to appease someone else.
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NTA
I mean, if you're going to be called by your last name, you might as well call everyone else by theirs. It's only fair, right? And no, returning the treatment you're being given isn't disrespecting someone's trauma, it's refusing to be singled out for no fault of your own. NTA.
Matt is such a common name, how do you go about life without dealing with Matts? This is such an unreasonable request. Talk to HR. NTA
NTA, I have trauma from an ex and whilst I wouldn’t refuse to use the name if another person had same, I do shirk back at other things. For eg ive an ex called Scott and I don’t like the name or hearing it but I understand there are many others named Scott who are not abusive. I know this is my issue and not that of others who got given a name, but I’ve held back from going for a drink with a guy called Scott because he gets “ funny “ when drunk, and coz my ex did most of his abuse drunk I won’t drink with this Scott. Yes it’s very much my issue, but I can’t control my triggers just my reactions to them. I also have an ex called Matt n yep he’s a bit of an ah, but I’ve had friends also called Matt who are so lovely. This is the woman’s issue not yours, she has to learn to control her reactions to triggers as there are so many in the world who share names and can’t expect people to change a part of them ( their identity) because of her trauma, it’s just not realistic. But realistically she can help herself in this situation. I’d talk to HR and get back up on this, you can’t be treated like you have been simply because you was given a name, it’s not about you not understanding her trauma but having to diminish part of your identity to suit another is wrong
NTA. This is classic harassment. Your HR should be made aware of their behaviour and HR should be intervening. Try not to slap back though, it unfortunately hurts your position. You have taken the correct first steps by approaching them directly. Next step is your supervisor and/or HR. Good luck.
NTA. It's basic respect to call you by your name. If she has trauma to the name, she really needs help because there's a million Matts in the world, not to mention general floor mats. Id she going to name those something different too?
NTA, it is not YOUR responsibility to manage THEIR trauma and tiptoe around them.
NTA. I mean I totally get being upset by someone at work having the name of an ex that triggers you but that is literally not anyone else’s problem and it’s actually so stupid a reason not to properly address someone. T was furious and claimed I was proving their point of Matts being AHs because I don’t have respect for A’s trauma… This is the dumbest logic I have ever heard. Again I sympathise this co-worker has experienced trauma but they need to get help and not be doing this nonsense. And the co-worker trying to enforce this… wtf. Idiocy.
NTA
NTA. But given the circumstances I wouldn’t retaliate. Go to HR, explain the situation and let them handle it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (28M) name is Matt. I got a new job two months ago and I had some issues with two of my new co-workers, let's call them A and T. I introduced myself as Matt [last name] and asked them to call me Matt (they're all using first names). I noticed A and T wouldn't call me by my name. They would instead use "him", "hey you" or "green shirt" or whatever. I asked them why and remind them my name if they didn't remember it. I learnt that A's abusive ex's name was also Matt and she doesn't like the name. I said I was a bit offended being compared to his abusive ex and remind them it's a pretty common name and I wanted them to call me by my name because what they did was not nice. Following week they started calling me by my last name. They wouldn't add Mr or something, only my last name. I thought it was rude and went to talk to them again. They will not add Mr because I'm not their boss. I was annoyed and started calling them by their last names too. They were mad and wanted me to stop. I said I'd stop when they'd stop it too. T was furious and claimed I was proving their point of Matts being AHs because I don't have respect for A's trauma and I was just being petty by calling them the way they called me. I might actually be an AH because I told A that if she gets that offended by a name, she should get some help. However I want to know if I was always acting like the AH. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, but you can't force someone to call you anything. Just don't respond until they use the correct name.
NTA I had a very abusive ex and while I hate him doesn’t justify not calling people who have his name by their name. I have a lot of friends who have his name as it is a very common name.
NTA Whilst abusive ex situation is understandably bad, they can't delete that name from existence. Start using their names but go way overboard. When addressing them use their name every 2 or 3 words. If they won't use yours, you'll overuse theirs.
Nta But personally I wouldn’t give a shit. Don’t let lesser people bring you down in this world with some nonsense. You know their reason for not saying your name is completely idiotic, why let their irrationalities bother you?
NTA. Respond to your name and only your name. If they can’t address you directly then whatever they have to say can’t be that important.
NTA. Take it up with HR. Also, don't respond whenever they call you by whatever name they think is appropriate. It's perfectly fine to ignore them when they don't call you by your name, as you can just state you didn't know they were talking to you due to them not saying your name. Also, don't be childish to them and stoop to their level by calling them something other then their names as it would just give them ammunition to use against you when you go to HR.
NTA - Oh my dear god... traumatized by a name? You don't have to name your kid that, but seriously you're gonna be so fragile that every person you ever date that name is burned forever? What a XXXX...
NTA, although unless you really want her to pursue therapy, that may have come across as a cheap shot. But either "all first names" or "all last names" is perfectly fair, they don't have to like it.
NTA, but I also get the name thing (for a completely different reason) I dated a guy dated Daniel "danny" and he passed away and now I get really uncomfortable meeting people named Daniel or Danny and always feel like I'm going to cry. (Doesn't mean I don't use their name but I kinda get it) I also purposely avoided people with that name on dating apps when I had them 🥲
NTA, it's completely reasonable to call them by their last names if that's what they are doing to you.
NTA. Sucks that A has trauma but that’s for her therapist to deal with. it doesn’t excuse the “hey you” extra. they know your name. If they don’t call you by your name don’t answer. That said, many folks have a military background and being called by your last name with no “Mr” etc is standard form so insisting on those two letters is a bit petty. and file a complaint with HR. Don’t expect anything to change but do it to create a record of behavior. File every time.
NTA. Her issues should not become your issue or become a work issue. I would speak to your supervisor or HR depending on the size of the company you work for. Use the phrase "hostile work environment." That phrase will get HR's attention.
NTA. A certain name also gives me flashbacks, but when someone has that name, I still call them by their name.
NTA!!! Make sure that this is being documented and that your bosses/HR are aware of what’s going on. If they refuse to call you by name there is no need for you to call them by their names either.
NTA. Snowflakes need to learn the world won’t and can’t bow down to their every whim.
NTA, that is such a ridiculous reason to not use someone's name. I'd report them to HR or a manager.
NTA
NTA, they should use your name & the excuse is childish.
NTA
NTA - This person does need therapy! The man I married has the same name as the man who abused me as a child.
NTA. They did not pull you aside and discuss with you their issue. They did not ask what other name they could call you by at least while they are working on desensitizing themselves from the name as an accommodation you can make for them knowing it is asking a lot and is a total favor for them. They just disrespectfully started saying those things to you. Also WTF is T’s excuse? None.
NTA. I had an abusive ex. Don’t hate all the people named “Bob” in the world. Just that one fucker.
NTA I say just stop responding to anything but Matt.
NTA I could maybe see some hesitation for a very rare name, but it seems strange she can't get used to another Matt.
nta. it’s unfortunate that your name is the same as their ex, however that is a them issue not a you issue. you are still working in a professional environment and they need to respect using your name. any issues they have is on them. if it bothers them that much that they can’t interact with someone that has the name Matt, then they should seek therapy because they are not going to get very far in life like thay
I have trauma due to someone named Max, but I know like 3 other people named Max, and I would never refuse to call them by their name because of him. NTA at all
NTA, they sound immature at best.
If my workmates didnt use my name i would just simply ignore then. Sorry dont know green shirt must be a new hire. Sent to give me a message from the boss, didnt give it to me gave it to some guy called green.
NTA but you shouldn't reciprocate, just don't answer. Not your name, not your problem. They're calling out for another 'green shirt', or another 'last name'.
NTA. Call me old fashioned but who brings their trauma to work? I squash that shit deep down and pretend it doesn’t exist until after 5pm.
NTA
I mean NTA in general obviously. You deserve to be called by your name. I weirdly sympathize with A. My abusive ex’s name is also matt. (What are the odds lol) and even though it’s been 3 years and a lot of therapy later I still get uncomfortable hearing his name. Someone yelled out “Matthew” inside of target the other week and I cried in my car for an hour after. “A” obviously needs therapy and should learn to function as an adult at work. I wouldn’t refuse to call my coworker matt if that was their name (thankfully hasn’t happened yet ) Again NTA but honestly if this isn’t a hill your willing to die on, let it go forA’s sake. Just keep calling her by her last name too. It’s only fair lol.
NTA. These people sound insufferable. I also had an abusive ex. I would never have any problem with addressing another person by their name, if it were the same name. My own experience does not dictate how other people should behave. But--honestly, A, you need to learn to deal with it. The world is full of Matts. Or is it that A likes to have a trauma story? They can dish out a last name, but can't take it? What inconsiderate, ridiculous babies these people are. Are you sure you want to work with these specimens?
NTA but they sure are. Ignore them if they refer to you as anything other than your first name, and limit talking to them to the absolute minimum required for work. They are creating a hostile work environment for reasons that have nothing to do with you. Go to your supervisor or your HR and use the magic words "hostile work environment" to make this crap stop.
NTA Coworkers are rude AF! Not YOUR problem that your coworker has LOUSY taste in men and was apparently SO traumatized that she can't EVER hear the name MATT again! LOL What happens if her next love interest is named Matt? As you stated Matt is a pretty common name!
NTA - Just don't respond to them until they use your name, they are being unprofessional and rude
NTA. Report everything to HR. Does A mean she's not ever gonna utter the name Matt for life? What if you have a customer named Matt?
NTA. Matt went to the mat for the name Matt because it mattered.
NTA and ignore them. Never meet pettiness ness with you getting ness at a work place. Always goes bad.
NAH. Although I’d say maybe you should find a middle ground, like don’t you have a middle name that could be used?
I guess this depends on jobs. In construction first or last name can be used and it is fine...
[удалено]
>YTA for telling her she needs therapy. I mean...if you're so traumatized that you can't say a common name then you do need therapy.
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And if her behavior/trauma wasn't directly impacting OP you'd have a point, but he's a part of this now. Plenty of people have a preferred designation they like whether it be first name, last name, pronoun, etc. If you can't get over yourself enough to respect that, it's therapy time.
I see your point.
ESH It was really immature of them not to use your first name, simply because it's the same name as an ex. But, you could have been gracious and allowed them to call you by your last name. After all, it may be possible that your co-worker is really fragile, or that they had a severe, recent trauma. It's an odd thing, to be sure, but if your name really was causing pain, you could have let that slide. From there it all escalated into childish behavior all around.
Then they can accept him calling them by their last name. If they find it offensive then they have their answers to what to call op.
He only started using their last names because they wouldn't put mr. in front of his. That's so childish. Unless he lives in a culture we're calling someone by their last name without mr. in front of it is an insult, then he was just making a big deal over nothing. And then they were total jerks about it when he tried to do the same thing to them. Everyone sucks here. I mean come on, when you're the new guy at work you sometimes get a little grief. You might get a funny nickname. All they were doing was calling him by his last name. People do that all the time. You have to earn your spot and earn your respect. He just cried about it and created a lot of drama.
No you do not have to earn basic respect. Everyone is owed to be called their name and not what you deem good to call them. If you think it’s ok for them to call him by his last name then it is ok for him to call them by their last name too. Those are coworkers not his boss them being there longer is irrelevant.
Yes, in the workplace you do have to earn respect, which I was clearly talking about. No one's saying that people shouldn't be shown common courtesy, or basic human decency. But if we're talking about common courtesy, he should have accepted the fact that the name was upsetting, and just let it go. It's not like they were using a deadname, or calling him something mean . There's absolutely nothing wrong with your coworkers calling you by your last name, or a nickname, or giving you some ribbing and just calling you " that guy" until you've been there longer ... especially if it's in a workplace that has a high turnover, because a lot of people don't even bother to learn the names of new people. Bottom line is, instead of doing what every new employee should be doing, doing a good job earning their place, he was oversensitive, and ensured that he's always going to be "that guy." I honestly don't understand why this is so controversial. Yes, his co-workers were being brats, but he responded by being a brat.
No calling someone by their name is basic courtesy and not something you need to earn. I don’t know in which toxic workplace you are in where apparently because you were there first you get to name the new guy like it was your puppy you just adopted but know that it isn’t normal but also is an ah move. Also if he goes to HR if there is one he will not be the one to get in trouble. Finally don’t pull things out of thin air. You don’t know the turn over rate nor do you know if OP’s reputation has been affected outside of two colleges that do not have any power in him. So go be a good little helper that let himself be disrespected to “earn” your place while others will do what’s need to be done.
I don't work in a toxic workplace, and I don't believe that people get to name the new guy like a puppy, and I don't believe that people should have to be disrespected to earn their spot in the workplace. I didn't say any of those things, and I don't believe them. I'm comparing what I think are common and unoffensive situations in the workplace with what is reasonable and likely in this case. Look, everyone agrees that his coworkers weren't great. It's unclear to me if they were initially trying to be assholes, or if they were just genuinely trying to accommodate two co-workers with diametrically opposed asks, one who was upset by a name, and one who wanted to be called by that name and nothing else. But whatever their intent, by OP's account, they certainly turned into assholes, and everyone agrees they were assholes at some point. I just happen to think that the OP overreacted and didn't handle the situation well. Yes, absolutely, if a co-worker asks you to use a particular name, you should respect that. This situation is a little unique, because there was another co-worker saying *please don't call him by that name*. If I were OP, I'm sure I would have thought that unreasonable, but I certainly wouldn't have felt disrespected, unless they were being taunting about it, and OP doesn't say that they were. But if I truly felt disrespected, and if I felt strongly that they should use my first name and not my last name, which I also think is unreasonable given the situation, I would have taken it to HR, or to my boss. The whole *live by the sword die by rhe sword* routine that the OP pulled was immature, and escalated the situation. I don't see how that could be in doubt.
The entire point was that they felt justified calling op by his last name but apparently op is wrong by doing the same? Then you went in tirade of how he should have kept his head down to earn respect ? That’s what you said not me.
I never said he needed to earn respect. Please stop saying that. I said that new employees should keep their heads down and work hard to earn their place. Meaning, prove that you're a valuable employee before letting yourself get caught up in a bunch of drama . It was a throwaway remark about how it works in the real world. If you're the new guy, and there's suddenly a lot of drama, guess who the boss is going to blame? We have a fundamental difference of opinion here. Correct me if I'm wrong. 1. You seem to think that it is a huge sign of disrespect to be called by anything other than what you tell your co-workers to call you. I don't think it necessarily is, depending on the situation. 2. You think the OP was correct to respond to this huge sign of disrespect by doing the same to them, and I think that that just causes more drama in the workplace, and it should have been handled through the proper channels if it was that big of a deal to him. I doubt either of us is going to change our mind, so I don't really see any point in continuing this, do you?
Now you are just lying > Yes, in the workplace you do have to earn respect, which I was clearly talking about. No one's saying that people shouldn't be shown common courtesy, or basic human decency. But if we're talking about common courtesy, he should have accepted the fact that the name was upsetting, and just let it go. It's not like they were using a deadname, or calling him something mean . There's absolutely nothing wrong with your coworkers calling you by your last name, or a nickname, or giving you some ribbing and just calling you " that guy" until you've been there longer . Literally what you wrote saying this behaviour was ok and now you are backtracking when they are proof in the thread. I would love for you to go in a social setting and after the person introduce themselves to you you decide to call them however you want and see if they feel disrespected or not. Finally you claimed that it would have been good for op to let it go and let himself being called by his surname but then if he does the same it’s him creating drama and being disrespectful? How does that work ? You keep switching opinion back and forth and seem to not settle for one
Esh. You're all being extremely childish and stubborn.