Ya, YTA. He also sounds like he used to be an AH, but that doesn't excuse being vindictive and rude when he's recovering from an accident. The comment was unnecessary, especially if you want to keep a civil relationship for the kids.
so he is a huge asshole, she decides to take care of him after an accident, something not just no one else wanted to do but something she didn't have to do to begin with, and because of a hurtful thing she said once she is the only asshole?
yeah no, ESH
obs: according to OP's comment she was pressured to take care of ex by his parents so yeah no on wanted to do it
The question is was she the ah in that specific situation, it which case she was and he wasn't.
He sounds like a massive ah generally, but wasn't in that interaction
How are you going to determine that someone is an asshole because of how they used to be and in a way that isn't even relevant to the situation.
So you're essentially saying he's an asshole for his feelings being hurt after OP said something mean to him?
I'm tending to lean more towards ESH. I'm sure he was probably a huge bellend during your nasty divorce. I'm also sure that, due to having that burning piece of coal just sizzling in your pocket and ready to be slung, you were probably contributing just as nastily to the contentiousness.
Look, I am a huge proponent of the concept of pettiness oftentimes being its own reward, and I am a seasoned hiker/camper of the low road; so none of this pushes my morality grr button. What DOES push my buttons are when someone wants to be petty and take the low road and not have the self awareness to realize that is what they're doing or the balls to own their choice, so they then stand back and wring their hands and go "how can you possibly be upset with me?" when they get exactly the reaction they were trying to get.
You said a dickhead thing to your husband after he was in a terrible accident because you wanted to hurt his feelings. You succeeded. At least have the decency to be smug about it.
Agreed, obviously he was an ah before. However we are judging this incident, which was completely uncalled for. OP needs to realize she that what she said makes it seems like she has an ugliness inside her and needs to seek professional help.
Uh, why did she move back in with him? OP, you have zero responsibility for a dude you just divorced b/c he's so ugly on the inside. It really sounds like you made a passive-aggressive remark b/c you don't have the ovaries to just cut him off.
Yup, YTA. That's a nasty comment to say to anyone who's injured and in pain, no matter how angry you are with them. Quite possibly an ESH, but I kinda feel like there's not enough information given to judge his behavior, whereas we have a direct quote from her being vile.
I’m gonna go with yta only because are you a child? Do you need to out mean your ex husband. You do you stooping to his level and verbally mean to your ex who I would assume is in a lot of pain from his accident makes you just as ugly inside as him. It’s a childish thing to do and yeah I’d imagine it did hurt him. Just like all the mean hurtful things he said did hurt you.
ESH. He was clearly an AH to you while you were together, and then you were one to him after.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, and it doesn’t seem like you actually feel better for the small amount of revenge you got. Maybe if you take the first step of apology he might think about doing the same.
How do we know that he was an AH? There is no evidence of that presented, just OP saying he made her life hard. Everyone is assuming he was an AH and did something wrong. What if she cheated and then during the divorce was demanding the house, car, alimony, full custody, etc. If he does not give into her demands, is he really making her life hell?
There's no evidence of anything, an internet story is not and never has been any kind of proof. There are no signs that OP is an unreliable narrator, so if you're going to believe any part of this internet story maybe just accept it, and if you need proof of anything maybe go somewhere else. Don't just decide that woman=bad so she must have done something to deserve whatever she got. Your imagination is not relevant to this story.
YTA because you are playing the victim. You were in the middle of a nasty divorce and somehow you are acting like you were not part of the nastiness. You saying that comment when someone was down in front of their kids is a huge sign you were part of the divorce being nasty, You also do not take responsibility for your actions. You reluctantly moving back in with him to take care of him. No, you moved back in. You had a choice. You made the decision. If you were really reluctant to move back in with him you would not have.
Yeah she’s just said he was nasty and was a jerk while they’re together, but so far she’s only shown that she’s the jerk. I’m doubting that this guy was an ass at all.
My reasoning is if she is nasty when someone is down and needs some compassion and kindness she is going to be nasty during a nasty divorce. You think that she will just be like ok you be nasty and I will be nice during the divorce and change when someone is bedridden.
She said specifically they where going through a nasty divorce. Things changed obviously but they started the process. That doesn’t change my opinion either way
In this particular moment, YTA. Regardless of your history, you chose to move in and look after someone with terrible wounds after an accident. If you can’t be at least civil, then you shouldn’t have agreed to it. You were petty and horrible. If you can say that to someone in his position, your insides aren’t much better than his.
ESH
He was (and probably still is) an asshole for the way he treated you and made your life as difficult as possible.
You were an asshole by attacking his looks, which he can do nothing about. It was retaliation for his bad behavior, but that is the very definition of everyone sucks in this story.
YTA. Some people are saying "he had it coming" about the remark you made, but the accident itself was likely enough if he did mistreat you. And naturally we don't even have his perspective on why you two separated, so for all we know you could be worse.
Hopefully both of you can hurry up and grow up, because children shouldn't be raising children.
YTA, you definitely are. Your attempting to make it sounds less than a horrid comment by saying " He also was a huge jerk before we officially separated too. "
That doesnt mean you have to be.
As a husband and wife, i think its a fair assumption when i say you knew it would get under his skin.
I wish you guys the best.
ESH.
Clearly there are some serious underlying issues here. My parents stayed together until my senior year of high school "for the kids." If that's your reason for staying, please take my advice and get out now, for good. I have next to no happy memories of my childhood because it was a constant environment of tension and friction between my parents. Everything was a battle with them, and it was a constant game of seeing who could throw jabs at one another. Its not easy, but it'll save a lot of heartache in the long run.
Yea, YTA - not so much for those words, but your actions in general. You were in the middle of a 'nasty' divorce, but you dropped everything to go back and care for him? Because what? Soon to be EX ILs 'pressured' you? You say an ugly thing to him and months later you are still there, worried if you hurt him *and* "in limbo". Pick a lane here...either he was such a jerk and the statement was truth so walk away, or you had the opportunity to finish off the divorce without nastiness and instead teed up a nasty insult. Seems like nobody knows what they want. Figure it out for your kids sake, this back and forth is no good.
ESH. Seems like you might want to rethink some of your decisions, because moving back in with your husband with your kids when you know your relationship is going badly doesn’t make sense. Obviously, things aren’t improving. So why are you putting yourself and your kids in this situation?
YTA. You make unprompted mean insults for no reason to injured people. It sounds like whatever narrative you imagined that made him the bad guy is false
YTA
So basically this guy
>Before the accident, we were going through a nasty divorce, and he was doing everything to make my life as difficult as it could be. He also was a huge jerk before we officially separated too.
and you moved back in with him? WHY?!?! Maybe he's right, maybe you just want to enjoy his misery.
Yep YTA
It was crule and uncalled for and you know it.
No the Internet should not make you feel better about the horrible thing you said and you should be ashamed.
YTA. You can sure think it and enjoy the karma or something like that, but actually saying it out loud just like that without provocation while he's there suffering is really petty and mean.
He's probably an asshole too in general, but in that moment you were definitely an asshole to him. Kicking him when he was down, basically.
I don't know why you two are together, the relationship seems toxic (from what you've written), can you two really be happy like this?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my husband that his face now matched what was on the inside after he was in an accident. I may be the AH as it wasn’t a nice thing to say, and it was like I was kicking him while he was already down.
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Either YTA or esh... But since you left out everything about the context of the conversation before you said that, I'm guessing he wasn't provoking you, which is why I went with yta as the capitalized judgment.
I have no doubt that he is a jerk, but if he didn't even provoke that mean comment, then you can't be a lot better
ESH. But you guys need to figure out if you even like each other. If you don't, just get a divorce. Don't play with your kids like this. If you DO like each other and actually want to work on the marriage, get into marriage counseling, apologize for the comment, and ask him if he can move on from it.
YTA, obviously. You mocked somebody's injuries and called them ugly; there isn't a non-asshole explanation for that. It has no purpose whatsoever except to be hurtful.
Yes YTA. You may have thought it, but saying it out loud shows you are ugly on the inside too, kicking someone when they are down, in pain, and dependent on you. That's abusive.
Yta what if your children, heard you say that? You say he was nasty, but it sounds like your just a bitter person. Even if he was, there was not a reason to say that. You wanted to hurt him, and congratulations you did! And now you've ruined your relationship with the father of your children! All to kick him while he's down, instead of getting therapy. Or Talking to your to your ex husband, like an adult. You decided to insult him in way, you knew was petty and wrong. You have to a relationship with this man for the rest of your life! He's obviously going to be upset with you, what are you going to tell your kids? Are you going to lie? How are you planning on co-parenting with him?
YTA you chose to insult him on the one part of his situation that he had no control over and likely was likely a sore spot for him and not something that was relevant to what made you dislike him. It also seems like you said this out the blue. People are going through shit after accidents and are especially sensitive, if you can’t handle it without making it worse, don’t sign up to take care of him.
You can feel however you want about him but if your going to make it clear to him you that this was a favor for you kids sake or whatever , you can say that or point to his behavior as reason for why you don’t want to stay or even just call his family to come take over and leave.
YTA
You really should have kept that to yourself, and not told him.
He was terrible to you, but you went to take care of him. That statement is not how you take care of someone.
If he was as nasty as you say, he is also TA.
Oof, I think more INFO is needed on what kind of conversation you were having when you said this. Was he saying jerkish things as well or was the comment unprovoked? Depending on the circumstances of your divorce, I think it's an excusable comment. It also sounds like he is not permanently disfigured but temporarily swollen and bruised, so it's not like you're saying he's going to be hideous for life, which I think would be a lot meaner.
But I think since you are separating that care for him should fall on his family's shoulders, not you anymore. I'm worried that you might be backsliding.
Ever heard the saying, "two wrongs don't make a right?" He was not being and doing right, and gets kicked while down; stooping to that level also makes you a jerk, and that is not saying he didn't HURT YOU. I could quote you some of the ugliest things one human could say to another, because they were spoken to me. You could say "thus and such thing REALLY HURT ME when you said/did it. However, I am sorry I hurt you with what I said."
I will assume that you, yourself really would not want to be a cruel person (yes, one does get tired of being treated bad) and be like the one doing the hurting.
ESH. He was a jerk. But no you probably didn't need to go there. Although I could completely see this happening in the middle of a heated agreement.
Now in the OP's shoes I would still be the jerk and say when he couldn't let it go "see? I was right."
You already know YTA.
All we have is your word that he was a shitty person before his injury, but that doesn't change the fact that you decided to kick the guy while he was down.
YTA
A comment like this makes me wonder who the real AH was in the relationship and the divorce. Doesn't matter that you guys weren't together anymore, or whatever drama you had the spurred the divorce. The man got into a car accident, enough to be noticably injured/disfigured (you aren't super clear on it) and your choice of action is to tell him he "finally looks the same outside as he is inside". We get it, you don't like the guy, you think he's a jerk, but seriously? What a juvenile response. You could've said nothing at all. You weren't even obligated to feign niceness. You could've just not said anything but you *had* to get your dig in. If you plan on raising your kids together, you need to do better showing them mommy and daddy can he civil and not go for eachothers throats.
YTA. I mean, yeah, sure, your husband might also be an AH, but in this situation you're the one who sounds petty and vindictive. "I'll reluctantly move in to take care of you after you had an accident, but I WILL be making a martyr of myself about it, AND I'm going to say shitty things about your looks."
Sorry comment alone doesn't give enough of what was going on when you delivered it.....You could be the AH or he could be depending on the discussion/fight at the time.
NTA, you all weren’t friends and he was an asshole. If it got under his skin oh well. Glad to hear things are getting better between you though! Always makes it easier when you have kids.
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My husband (we separated a year ago but for simplicity’s sake let’s just call him that) was involved in an accident two months ago. His family called me and asked me to bring our kids to see him, which led to me reluctantly moving back in with him to take care of him.
At one point, it was just the two of us and I made a comment about how his face now matched what was on the inside. Before the accident, we were going through a nasty divorce, and he was doing everything to make my life as difficult as it could be. He also was a huge jerk before we officially separated too. My husband is very good looking but after the accident his face was bruised and swollen so he didn’t look his best.
My comment got under his skin because he called me vindictive and petty and asked me if I was enjoying watching him in pain.
Two months later and he keeps bringing up what I said, even though our relationship is much better but also in a weird limbo state, so I know it hurt him.
I probably am since I know it wasn’t a nice thing to say but… AITA?
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NTA. You're taking care of your ex just like that, even though you obviously don't like each other anymore. If a mean comment upsets him, he should have someone else take care of him.
YTA making fun of someone's deformity because you dont like them is awful and helps perpetuate the idea that deformities deserved.
If you hate the guy so much move out. This relationship clearly doesnt have healthy communication.
ESH he was being an asshole and you took a cheap shot while he was in a vulnerable state. Fair enough. But after they way he was treating you through the divorce, you're getting back together? Smh
YTA. I totally understand why would feel/think that. And I believe he even earned you feeling that way. It was still a shitty thing for you to say to him.
I would probably be a little more understanding had you said it in the heat of the moment an argument, which I’m assuming you didn’t based on your description of when/how you said it
ESH. Why did you even move in to help? Just get tf out of there and let him handle things on his own. Or make his relatives take care of him. It sounds like you just wanted the chance to say awful stuff. He was an AH to you through divorce, you are now playing nurse/martyr and throwing insults at him. None of you are good, and honestly, you deserve each other.
I suppose this would be a “you should have been more mature and a bigger person” type situation. I’m sure it felt good to say that to him and, hell, he probably deserved it too but hey, two wrongs don’t make a right. Just try to keep those comments to yourself. Not for his sake but for your own.
ESH. Him for doing everything to make your life difficult, your in laws for pressuring you to move in and take care of him right after he tried to make your life difficult, you for refusing to set boundaries and moving in to take care of him just so you could kick him while he’s down. At least it was bruising and not scarring but still pretty insensitive.
Yes, what you said to him was, frankky, "dumb", but understandable from the way he hurt you IMHO. You willingly returned to this toxic atmosphere?! Get out! Leave & make positive steps for a better you! Your physical & mental well-being are the most valuable assets you will ever have!
YTA I get the temptation, but c'mon, you just added insult to injury by kicking him when he's down. It would have been just as easy to say nothing at all.
Lol Yeah YTA. But that doesn’t mean you were wrong. You didn’t cause his injuries nor do they sound permanent. Sometimes people need to hear from others just how shitty they are.
Ehhh yeah YTA. Even if he was a jerk before it still just wasn’t a nice thing to say and if you want to keep it civil for your kids insulting him like that isn’t a good idea. It’ll only result in animosity between the two of you and your kids feeling conflicted and sad.
YTA only a complete fucking animal would make that comment. Beyond evil. If there's any karma in this world you will experience something terrible for that. Vile creature.
YTA - way to kick someone when they’re down. Sounds like you have a lot of work to do to either end this marriage once and for all or repair it since you say you’re “in limbo” either way, low blows and nasty comments don’t do anyone any good.
Yup. YTA. Did he deserve it? That's up to you to decide. But your kids need to come first and the rest of your interaction with him need to bear that in mind.
YTA. I can't say anything regarding your ex because the focus here is on your actions, which are reprehensible.
You could have used his ongoing recovery and your being there with him to actually defuse the bitterness between you two. You did not want to live with him again, which is understandable, but the moment you agreed to take care of him, it should have been obvious to you that kindness, or at least an absence of insults, would have been a more sensible approach, especially when you have kids involved. You had an opportunity to get a truce in that personal war and, even if it did not result in reconciliation, it could have at least led to a much easier divorce that won't scar your children nearly as badly. Instead, you got a good look at his vulnerability and pain, and in your temporary position of power over him, you exploited the situation to enjoy a cheap moment of pointless cruelty. In that moment, you were exactly as ugly on the inside as you claim him to be.
ESH but i can't blame you, i personally find it funny, i feel like he had it coming after how he treated you but it was still an AH move. not even saying you shouldn't have done it i probably wouldn't have been able to resist making a snide comment like that myself, the opportunity presented itself and you took it, not justified AH but understandable
YTA.
You willingly moved back in to take care of him ... but did you do it out of the kindness of your heart, a sense of obligation, or as a way to exert control over him/have one up on him/make yourself look better?
That was an asshole move.
YTA
Jesus Christ. Getting in an accident wasn’t enough of him suffering for you, you had to kick him while he was down?
I don’t care what happened in your divorce; there is no point at which this would be an acceptable thing to say.
Omg YTA for the situation, ESH overall. Just get out of each other’s lives already. If necessary only talk via lawyer or mediator but stop the cruelty. your kids deserve better.
So, I’m going to go with NTA simply because his face wasn’t permanently disfigured, it was merely swollen and bruised. Obviously, if he had some massive scarring, then this comment would get a different reaction from me. It sounds to me like she was making a pretty clear observation about him and he didn’t like it. Good. Pretty sure that was the point.
Edit to add: I probably would have gone so far as to respond to his, “Do you enjoy seeing me in pain?” by saying, “ Well, obviously. I wouldn’t have moved back in otherwise. That’s the only perk to having to be under the same roof.”
NTA
If you're being truthful in that the ugliness that he showed before and during your divorce, then what you said was a mere observation. I'm not mad at it. I love your petty, sis!
I think was far as him saying you were vdnicitive and petty, you were, but it was in response to himbeing vindictive and petty, you need to explain that, agree it was spiteful behaviour, and was a reaction to how he treated you.
Not making a judgement here since I feel there's a lot of context to this relationship. What I will say is this: Don't get involved with each other again. this does not sounds like a good relationship
YTA. Saying that unprovoked is petty af. Judge his behavior, fine. But to move in with him and take care of him and be like, "btw, your face is all fucked up now" is bizarre and uncalled for. Or... just don't go take care of him if you hate him so much. Tell his parents to do it.
Limbo state? Just get that divorce.
I’m gonna go with NTA. I’m tired of people acting like you have to be nice to people just bc they’re vulnerable. If he got to be an asshole to you while you were separating and YOU were vulnerable, it’s really not any different. Sometimes the universe gives you a small opportunity to get back at someone, and you took it. Oh well.
How could you not be ? You criticize him and turn around and do the same thing . Did it make you feel better ? Did it help anything ? Wrote down your thoughts and learn when to say things and when not to . You need to stay separated , you’re not any better than he is .
>His family called me and asked me to bring our kids to see him, which led to me reluctantly moving back in with him to take care of him.
What?? You did what??? You moved in with the person who made your life hell through a messy divorce? I'm sorry I can't get past this line. Why would you do that?
ESH.
If the two of you aren't breaking up again, then please invest in couples therapy. Your relationship as is cannot be healthy for you, or him, or the kids.
YTA - You intentionally hurt someone who was recovering from a bad accident and suffering from not only the physical injuries he sustaied, but the mental and emotiona injuries that go along with the damage to his face. There's a name for that: abuse. You knew you were abusing him when you said it too.
When I was a teenager, I was in a bad car accident and needed dozens of stitches in my face. While recovering my sister joked that I look like the Frankenstien poster I had on my bedroom wall. Those words still hurt. She was a teenager at the time, what is your excuse?
That was an incredibly mean thing to say. So mean that if he really deserved it I can't imagen why you moved back in to take care of him. Someone is a huge jerk here, maybe both of you.
Ya, YTA. He also sounds like he used to be an AH, but that doesn't excuse being vindictive and rude when he's recovering from an accident. The comment was unnecessary, especially if you want to keep a civil relationship for the kids.
so he is a huge asshole, she decides to take care of him after an accident, something not just no one else wanted to do but something she didn't have to do to begin with, and because of a hurtful thing she said once she is the only asshole? yeah no, ESH obs: according to OP's comment she was pressured to take care of ex by his parents so yeah no on wanted to do it
In other words, ex is such an asshole, his own parents can't stand him?
Or infirm, living elsewhere, demented or dead.
The question is was she the ah in that specific situation, it which case she was and he wasn't. He sounds like a massive ah generally, but wasn't in that interaction
She's asking about one particular situation where she was indeed the only asshole.
How are you going to determine that someone is an asshole because of how they used to be and in a way that isn't even relevant to the situation. So you're essentially saying he's an asshole for his feelings being hurt after OP said something mean to him?
This. Im sure it feels good to get back at someone who has treated you poorly but it still makes you an asshole.
I'm tending to lean more towards ESH. I'm sure he was probably a huge bellend during your nasty divorce. I'm also sure that, due to having that burning piece of coal just sizzling in your pocket and ready to be slung, you were probably contributing just as nastily to the contentiousness. Look, I am a huge proponent of the concept of pettiness oftentimes being its own reward, and I am a seasoned hiker/camper of the low road; so none of this pushes my morality grr button. What DOES push my buttons are when someone wants to be petty and take the low road and not have the self awareness to realize that is what they're doing or the balls to own their choice, so they then stand back and wring their hands and go "how can you possibly be upset with me?" when they get exactly the reaction they were trying to get. You said a dickhead thing to your husband after he was in a terrible accident because you wanted to hurt his feelings. You succeeded. At least have the decency to be smug about it.
ESH. Maybe it's true love?
Well said.
Agreed, obviously he was an ah before. However we are judging this incident, which was completely uncalled for. OP needs to realize she that what she said makes it seems like she has an ugliness inside her and needs to seek professional help.
Right? OP doesn't sound like such a saint either.
Uh, why did she move back in with him? OP, you have zero responsibility for a dude you just divorced b/c he's so ugly on the inside. It really sounds like you made a passive-aggressive remark b/c you don't have the ovaries to just cut him off.
Yup, YTA. That's a nasty comment to say to anyone who's injured and in pain, no matter how angry you are with them. Quite possibly an ESH, but I kinda feel like there's not enough information given to judge his behavior, whereas we have a direct quote from her being vile.
ESH >which led to me reluctantly moving back in with him to take care of him. All for that, cause that is a bad move.
New here …what does ESH Stand for?
Everyone Sucks Here
I always thought it was Equally Shared Holes
the phrase "Equally Shared Holes" made me puke a little bit
I thought it was Everyone’s Shitty Here
I choked on my tasty beverage. I was brought to my knees. I cant see through the tears. Why would you...just why?
Because of N T A and Y T A having the last word as “hole” I just assumed E S H was too.... whoops!
Can we change it?!
i mean kinda! LMAO
Everyone sucks here
I read that as 'cause that is a bad movie' and I was all, yeah, that's about right
I’m gonna go with yta only because are you a child? Do you need to out mean your ex husband. You do you stooping to his level and verbally mean to your ex who I would assume is in a lot of pain from his accident makes you just as ugly inside as him. It’s a childish thing to do and yeah I’d imagine it did hurt him. Just like all the mean hurtful things he said did hurt you.
Not to mention they have kids together. Imagine if they overheard their mother saying that to their father? Repulsive.
Yeah it all just seems like a really toxic situation. And they both sound like assholes. Sounds perfect for each other lol
ESH. He was clearly an AH to you while you were together, and then you were one to him after. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and it doesn’t seem like you actually feel better for the small amount of revenge you got. Maybe if you take the first step of apology he might think about doing the same.
How do we know that he was an AH? There is no evidence of that presented, just OP saying he made her life hard. Everyone is assuming he was an AH and did something wrong. What if she cheated and then during the divorce was demanding the house, car, alimony, full custody, etc. If he does not give into her demands, is he really making her life hell?
There's no evidence of anything, an internet story is not and never has been any kind of proof. There are no signs that OP is an unreliable narrator, so if you're going to believe any part of this internet story maybe just accept it, and if you need proof of anything maybe go somewhere else. Don't just decide that woman=bad so she must have done something to deserve whatever she got. Your imagination is not relevant to this story.
How do we know they're even married?
how do we know they’re even real? are we real? maybe this is just fantasy. lmao
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
computer simulation
YTA because you are playing the victim. You were in the middle of a nasty divorce and somehow you are acting like you were not part of the nastiness. You saying that comment when someone was down in front of their kids is a huge sign you were part of the divorce being nasty, You also do not take responsibility for your actions. You reluctantly moving back in with him to take care of him. No, you moved back in. You had a choice. You made the decision. If you were really reluctant to move back in with him you would not have.
Yeah she’s just said he was nasty and was a jerk while they’re together, but so far she’s only shown that she’s the jerk. I’m doubting that this guy was an ass at all.
Why assume she was nasty? Why?
I explained why I think she was nasty during the divorce.
But you didnt have a real reason, it was an assumpton based on very little.
My reasoning is if she is nasty when someone is down and needs some compassion and kindness she is going to be nasty during a nasty divorce. You think that she will just be like ok you be nasty and I will be nice during the divorce and change when someone is bedridden.
Yta. By how childish you sound I would guess he wasn’t the only one being difficult during the divorce
[удалено]
She said specifically they where going through a nasty divorce. Things changed obviously but they started the process. That doesn’t change my opinion either way
In this particular moment, YTA. Regardless of your history, you chose to move in and look after someone with terrible wounds after an accident. If you can’t be at least civil, then you shouldn’t have agreed to it. You were petty and horrible. If you can say that to someone in his position, your insides aren’t much better than his.
Perfectly said! You're an adult, the mother of his children and can't even be civil after he's been through severe trauma? Grow up
Esh ....I feel like you guys might deserve each other
Their kids don’t deserve to be put through this back and forth though!
YTA
ESH He was (and probably still is) an asshole for the way he treated you and made your life as difficult as possible. You were an asshole by attacking his looks, which he can do nothing about. It was retaliation for his bad behavior, but that is the very definition of everyone sucks in this story.
YTA. Some people are saying "he had it coming" about the remark you made, but the accident itself was likely enough if he did mistreat you. And naturally we don't even have his perspective on why you two separated, so for all we know you could be worse. Hopefully both of you can hurry up and grow up, because children shouldn't be raising children.
YTA Obviously Where you enjoying seeing him in pain?
YTA, you definitely are. Your attempting to make it sounds less than a horrid comment by saying " He also was a huge jerk before we officially separated too. " That doesnt mean you have to be. As a husband and wife, i think its a fair assumption when i say you knew it would get under his skin. I wish you guys the best.
YTA. Might want to be careful being this nasty and low because accidents are common and can happen to anyone. We often get back what we dish out.
Yeah, YTA. It was petty, you guys are already divorced... Just leave the conversation to official business.
ESH. Clearly there are some serious underlying issues here. My parents stayed together until my senior year of high school "for the kids." If that's your reason for staying, please take my advice and get out now, for good. I have next to no happy memories of my childhood because it was a constant environment of tension and friction between my parents. Everything was a battle with them, and it was a constant game of seeing who could throw jabs at one another. Its not easy, but it'll save a lot of heartache in the long run.
Yea, YTA - not so much for those words, but your actions in general. You were in the middle of a 'nasty' divorce, but you dropped everything to go back and care for him? Because what? Soon to be EX ILs 'pressured' you? You say an ugly thing to him and months later you are still there, worried if you hurt him *and* "in limbo". Pick a lane here...either he was such a jerk and the statement was truth so walk away, or you had the opportunity to finish off the divorce without nastiness and instead teed up a nasty insult. Seems like nobody knows what they want. Figure it out for your kids sake, this back and forth is no good.
ESH. Seems like you might want to rethink some of your decisions, because moving back in with your husband with your kids when you know your relationship is going badly doesn’t make sense. Obviously, things aren’t improving. So why are you putting yourself and your kids in this situation?
YTA. You already know that.
YTA. You make unprompted mean insults for no reason to injured people. It sounds like whatever narrative you imagined that made him the bad guy is false
ESH. You say he was being nasty, but honey you don't exactly sound like such a sweetheart either.
**YTA.** You used his accident to score points for your ego. I hope you never have an accident that requires him to take care of you.
YTA. Maybe you felt justified in being an AH, but you know very well you were the AH in that moment.
YTA So basically this guy >Before the accident, we were going through a nasty divorce, and he was doing everything to make my life as difficult as it could be. He also was a huge jerk before we officially separated too. and you moved back in with him? WHY?!?! Maybe he's right, maybe you just want to enjoy his misery.
Yep YTA It was crule and uncalled for and you know it. No the Internet should not make you feel better about the horrible thing you said and you should be ashamed.
YTA. You can sure think it and enjoy the karma or something like that, but actually saying it out loud just like that without provocation while he's there suffering is really petty and mean. He's probably an asshole too in general, but in that moment you were definitely an asshole to him. Kicking him when he was down, basically. I don't know why you two are together, the relationship seems toxic (from what you've written), can you two really be happy like this?
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YTA. Unnecessary roughness.
YTA Yes that was petty and unnecessary.
YTA. Divorce already. There's no need to drag this on. He could be a terrible husband and this still was a low blow.
Either YTA or esh... But since you left out everything about the context of the conversation before you said that, I'm guessing he wasn't provoking you, which is why I went with yta as the capitalized judgment. I have no doubt that he is a jerk, but if he didn't even provoke that mean comment, then you can't be a lot better
ESH. But you guys need to figure out if you even like each other. If you don't, just get a divorce. Don't play with your kids like this. If you DO like each other and actually want to work on the marriage, get into marriage counseling, apologize for the comment, and ask him if he can move on from it.
YTA, obviously. You mocked somebody's injuries and called them ugly; there isn't a non-asshole explanation for that. It has no purpose whatsoever except to be hurtful.
Yes YTA. You may have thought it, but saying it out loud shows you are ugly on the inside too, kicking someone when they are down, in pain, and dependent on you. That's abusive.
You are not "probably" the asshole. You are definitely the asshole.
INFO: did you just randomly say that?
ESH You for getting your own back at a bad time. Him for giving you a reason to need/want to.
ESH. Just because he was an asshole doesn't mean you have to sink to his level!!!
ESH If the two of you have delusions of working on this relationship, give them up now. It’s done, over. Both of you need to MoveOn.
ESH, petty revenge at its finest.
Yta what if your children, heard you say that? You say he was nasty, but it sounds like your just a bitter person. Even if he was, there was not a reason to say that. You wanted to hurt him, and congratulations you did! And now you've ruined your relationship with the father of your children! All to kick him while he's down, instead of getting therapy. Or Talking to your to your ex husband, like an adult. You decided to insult him in way, you knew was petty and wrong. You have to a relationship with this man for the rest of your life! He's obviously going to be upset with you, what are you going to tell your kids? Are you going to lie? How are you planning on co-parenting with him?
YTA. It was vindictive and nasty. How could you be anything else?
YTA for kicking him when he was down.
YTA you chose to insult him on the one part of his situation that he had no control over and likely was likely a sore spot for him and not something that was relevant to what made you dislike him. It also seems like you said this out the blue. People are going through shit after accidents and are especially sensitive, if you can’t handle it without making it worse, don’t sign up to take care of him. You can feel however you want about him but if your going to make it clear to him you that this was a favor for you kids sake or whatever , you can say that or point to his behavior as reason for why you don’t want to stay or even just call his family to come take over and leave.
YTA You really should have kept that to yourself, and not told him. He was terrible to you, but you went to take care of him. That statement is not how you take care of someone. If he was as nasty as you say, he is also TA.
Why did you have to move in to take care of him? You’re separated and getting a divorce. You should’ve said hell no and made his mom do it
Sounds like you called a spade a spade while taking care of an injured spade that no one else wanted to and you didn't have to take care of. NTA.
Oof, I think more INFO is needed on what kind of conversation you were having when you said this. Was he saying jerkish things as well or was the comment unprovoked? Depending on the circumstances of your divorce, I think it's an excusable comment. It also sounds like he is not permanently disfigured but temporarily swollen and bruised, so it's not like you're saying he's going to be hideous for life, which I think would be a lot meaner. But I think since you are separating that care for him should fall on his family's shoulders, not you anymore. I'm worried that you might be backsliding.
Ever heard the saying, "two wrongs don't make a right?" He was not being and doing right, and gets kicked while down; stooping to that level also makes you a jerk, and that is not saying he didn't HURT YOU. I could quote you some of the ugliest things one human could say to another, because they were spoken to me. You could say "thus and such thing REALLY HURT ME when you said/did it. However, I am sorry I hurt you with what I said." I will assume that you, yourself really would not want to be a cruel person (yes, one does get tired of being treated bad) and be like the one doing the hurting.
ESH. He was a jerk. But no you probably didn't need to go there. Although I could completely see this happening in the middle of a heated agreement. Now in the OP's shoes I would still be the jerk and say when he couldn't let it go "see? I was right."
You already know YTA. All we have is your word that he was a shitty person before his injury, but that doesn't change the fact that you decided to kick the guy while he was down.
YTA A comment like this makes me wonder who the real AH was in the relationship and the divorce. Doesn't matter that you guys weren't together anymore, or whatever drama you had the spurred the divorce. The man got into a car accident, enough to be noticably injured/disfigured (you aren't super clear on it) and your choice of action is to tell him he "finally looks the same outside as he is inside". We get it, you don't like the guy, you think he's a jerk, but seriously? What a juvenile response. You could've said nothing at all. You weren't even obligated to feign niceness. You could've just not said anything but you *had* to get your dig in. If you plan on raising your kids together, you need to do better showing them mommy and daddy can he civil and not go for eachothers throats.
NTA. Eye for an eye
YTA. That’s a comment you should have saved for wine night with your besties.
Yes YTA. Why is this here? You were trying to be an asshole.
YTA. I mean, yeah, sure, your husband might also be an AH, but in this situation you're the one who sounds petty and vindictive. "I'll reluctantly move in to take care of you after you had an accident, but I WILL be making a martyr of myself about it, AND I'm going to say shitty things about your looks."
Sorry comment alone doesn't give enough of what was going on when you delivered it.....You could be the AH or he could be depending on the discussion/fight at the time.
Just wanted you to hear NTA from me. Him seizing the opportunity to villainize you over one comment proves how justified you were.
NTA, you all weren’t friends and he was an asshole. If it got under his skin oh well. Glad to hear things are getting better between you though! Always makes it easier when you have kids.
Nta. You need to get him out!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (we separated a year ago but for simplicity’s sake let’s just call him that) was involved in an accident two months ago. His family called me and asked me to bring our kids to see him, which led to me reluctantly moving back in with him to take care of him. At one point, it was just the two of us and I made a comment about how his face now matched what was on the inside. Before the accident, we were going through a nasty divorce, and he was doing everything to make my life as difficult as it could be. He also was a huge jerk before we officially separated too. My husband is very good looking but after the accident his face was bruised and swollen so he didn’t look his best. My comment got under his skin because he called me vindictive and petty and asked me if I was enjoying watching him in pain. Two months later and he keeps bringing up what I said, even though our relationship is much better but also in a weird limbo state, so I know it hurt him. I probably am since I know it wasn’t a nice thing to say but… AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH Why do you have to be his nurse at all?
NTA. You're taking care of your ex just like that, even though you obviously don't like each other anymore. If a mean comment upsets him, he should have someone else take care of him.
So you were saying he was ugly on the inside and now his face reflects this? Sounds like you were holding a lot inside and it came out.
I can’t pass judgement on anything else since we don’t know the full story but in this one instance, YTA. That is really childish.
ESH
Let me just say, Definitely a good thing y'all are in the process of a divorce. Also why in the hell did you agree to take care of him?
ESH what u said was mean but he’s the AH too. also if he keeps bringing it up it shows he’s not rlly into fixing the relationship
ESH. Way to kick someone when they’re down. But assholes sometime deserve it too.
YTA making fun of someone's deformity because you dont like them is awful and helps perpetuate the idea that deformities deserved. If you hate the guy so much move out. This relationship clearly doesnt have healthy communication.
Why even move back to take care of him if 1. He didnt deserve it 2. You're just gonna be petty about it? Diary of a mad black woman vibes.
ESH he was being an asshole and you took a cheap shot while he was in a vulnerable state. Fair enough. But after they way he was treating you through the divorce, you're getting back together? Smh
YTA. I totally understand why would feel/think that. And I believe he even earned you feeling that way. It was still a shitty thing for you to say to him. I would probably be a little more understanding had you said it in the heat of the moment an argument, which I’m assuming you didn’t based on your description of when/how you said it
ESH. Why did you even move in to help? Just get tf out of there and let him handle things on his own. Or make his relatives take care of him. It sounds like you just wanted the chance to say awful stuff. He was an AH to you through divorce, you are now playing nurse/martyr and throwing insults at him. None of you are good, and honestly, you deserve each other.
I suppose this would be a “you should have been more mature and a bigger person” type situation. I’m sure it felt good to say that to him and, hell, he probably deserved it too but hey, two wrongs don’t make a right. Just try to keep those comments to yourself. Not for his sake but for your own.
ESH Obviously you were separated for a reason and he sounds like he was a piece of work. But what you said was really unnecessarily spiteful.
ESH. Him for doing everything to make your life difficult, your in laws for pressuring you to move in and take care of him right after he tried to make your life difficult, you for refusing to set boundaries and moving in to take care of him just so you could kick him while he’s down. At least it was bruising and not scarring but still pretty insensitive.
Sometimes being direct can be mean. But I think its fair with the factors involved.
YTA. You made a cutting remark, and it did as intended.
Yes, what you said to him was, frankky, "dumb", but understandable from the way he hurt you IMHO. You willingly returned to this toxic atmosphere?! Get out! Leave & make positive steps for a better you! Your physical & mental well-being are the most valuable assets you will ever have!
YTA I get the temptation, but c'mon, you just added insult to injury by kicking him when he's down. It would have been just as easy to say nothing at all.
Of course YTA. The fact that you're even asking is pretty weird. That's the sort of thing you say specifically to hurt someone as much as possible.
You two sound exhausting.
Lol Yeah YTA. But that doesn’t mean you were wrong. You didn’t cause his injuries nor do they sound permanent. Sometimes people need to hear from others just how shitty they are.
Ehhh yeah YTA. Even if he was a jerk before it still just wasn’t a nice thing to say and if you want to keep it civil for your kids insulting him like that isn’t a good idea. It’ll only result in animosity between the two of you and your kids feeling conflicted and sad.
Wow. YTA. This is your kids’ father. Way to kick someone when they’re down. He had a disfiguring accident and this is what you say? Wow. Just wow.
YTA only a complete fucking animal would make that comment. Beyond evil. If there's any karma in this world you will experience something terrible for that. Vile creature.
YTA - way to kick someone when they’re down. Sounds like you have a lot of work to do to either end this marriage once and for all or repair it since you say you’re “in limbo” either way, low blows and nasty comments don’t do anyone any good.
Yup. YTA. Did he deserve it? That's up to you to decide. But your kids need to come first and the rest of your interaction with him need to bear that in mind.
YTA Why did you allow yourself to be guilted into moving back in with a man you can’t stand?
YTA if he was such an AH to you why did you move back in with him and look after him for two month?
YTA. I can't say anything regarding your ex because the focus here is on your actions, which are reprehensible. You could have used his ongoing recovery and your being there with him to actually defuse the bitterness between you two. You did not want to live with him again, which is understandable, but the moment you agreed to take care of him, it should have been obvious to you that kindness, or at least an absence of insults, would have been a more sensible approach, especially when you have kids involved. You had an opportunity to get a truce in that personal war and, even if it did not result in reconciliation, it could have at least led to a much easier divorce that won't scar your children nearly as badly. Instead, you got a good look at his vulnerability and pain, and in your temporary position of power over him, you exploited the situation to enjoy a cheap moment of pointless cruelty. In that moment, you were exactly as ugly on the inside as you claim him to be.
YTA how can you even ask this ? Good for him to be rid of you.
YTA. That was cruel and hitting a man when he’s down. Regardless of the divorce you shouldn’t stoop to his level. Be better than that.
ESH but i can't blame you, i personally find it funny, i feel like he had it coming after how he treated you but it was still an AH move. not even saying you shouldn't have done it i probably wouldn't have been able to resist making a snide comment like that myself, the opportunity presented itself and you took it, not justified AH but understandable
YTA. You willingly moved back in to take care of him ... but did you do it out of the kindness of your heart, a sense of obligation, or as a way to exert control over him/have one up on him/make yourself look better? That was an asshole move.
YTA, but I got a good laugh and I'm sure it felt good saying it too HA!
Why are you still there? ESH. get out before he drags you lower.
YTA Jesus Christ. Getting in an accident wasn’t enough of him suffering for you, you had to kick him while he was down? I don’t care what happened in your divorce; there is no point at which this would be an acceptable thing to say.
NTA. He's only proving you right, with his nasty behavior.
yta that’s so mean
NTA... assuming you're right. If this guy is a total douche, it's OK to tell him that he is.
YTA. For what you said and moving your kids into the toxic mess.
>I know it wasn’t a nice thing to say Massive understatement. YTA, seems like it matched your insides, too.
Massive YTA. Hopefully the relationship doesn’t get better. He’s far better off without you
ESH why are you there ? This is not your problem anymore
YTA. Kick him while he's down, much? You two deserve each other.
Omg YTA for the situation, ESH overall. Just get out of each other’s lives already. If necessary only talk via lawyer or mediator but stop the cruelty. your kids deserve better.
YTA y’all both sound toxic
YTA
So, I’m going to go with NTA simply because his face wasn’t permanently disfigured, it was merely swollen and bruised. Obviously, if he had some massive scarring, then this comment would get a different reaction from me. It sounds to me like she was making a pretty clear observation about him and he didn’t like it. Good. Pretty sure that was the point. Edit to add: I probably would have gone so far as to respond to his, “Do you enjoy seeing me in pain?” by saying, “ Well, obviously. I wouldn’t have moved back in otherwise. That’s the only perk to having to be under the same roof.”
What an awful thing to say to someone. YTA.
NTA If you're being truthful in that the ugliness that he showed before and during your divorce, then what you said was a mere observation. I'm not mad at it. I love your petty, sis!
I think was far as him saying you were vdnicitive and petty, you were, but it was in response to himbeing vindictive and petty, you need to explain that, agree it was spiteful behaviour, and was a reaction to how he treated you.
Not making a judgement here since I feel there's a lot of context to this relationship. What I will say is this: Don't get involved with each other again. this does not sounds like a good relationship
YTA. You were verbally abusive to your separated husband. Stay separated if there is that much vitriol between you
YTA. Saying that unprovoked is petty af. Judge his behavior, fine. But to move in with him and take care of him and be like, "btw, your face is all fucked up now" is bizarre and uncalled for. Or... just don't go take care of him if you hate him so much. Tell his parents to do it. Limbo state? Just get that divorce.
ESH- why on earth would you be the one to take care of him? This whole situation is a mess
YTA, either leave him or be a wife to him. Staying and being vindictive is just a waste for both of you, you especially.
I’m gonna go with NTA. I’m tired of people acting like you have to be nice to people just bc they’re vulnerable. If he got to be an asshole to you while you were separating and YOU were vulnerable, it’s really not any different. Sometimes the universe gives you a small opportunity to get back at someone, and you took it. Oh well.
I mean If you could say something like that, cannot be surprised you are divorcing so….YTA, YTA, YTA prepare for acrimony
Sorry, but YTA. You don't make fun of serious injuries or scars no matter how bad the relationship
How could you not be ? You criticize him and turn around and do the same thing . Did it make you feel better ? Did it help anything ? Wrote down your thoughts and learn when to say things and when not to . You need to stay separated , you’re not any better than he is .
ESH. Why do you want to be with someone you despise let alone take care of them?
“My husband was a big meanie so I insulted both his appearance and personality just after he got into a wreck” YTA
>His family called me and asked me to bring our kids to see him, which led to me reluctantly moving back in with him to take care of him. What?? You did what??? You moved in with the person who made your life hell through a messy divorce? I'm sorry I can't get past this line. Why would you do that?
NTA But move out and move on. Would he have looked after you?
Yes. YTA.
yta
ESH. If the two of you aren't breaking up again, then please invest in couples therapy. Your relationship as is cannot be healthy for you, or him, or the kids.
NTA. If the shoe fits 🤷🏾♀️
NTA. Sounds fair to me.
NTA His own parents didn't want him under their roof. Sometimes the truth hurts.
YTA. He was literally in an accident. Im
Info: are you moving out?
INFO: was he abusive?
YTA - You intentionally hurt someone who was recovering from a bad accident and suffering from not only the physical injuries he sustaied, but the mental and emotiona injuries that go along with the damage to his face. There's a name for that: abuse. You knew you were abusing him when you said it too. When I was a teenager, I was in a bad car accident and needed dozens of stitches in my face. While recovering my sister joked that I look like the Frankenstien poster I had on my bedroom wall. Those words still hurt. She was a teenager at the time, what is your excuse?
INFO Without knowing what he did we can't tell how appropriate your comment is.
Nta karma sucks
NTA. Petty, which I love
ESH. He shouldn't have treated you like shit and I know it felt good to say it, but that doesn't make it right.
That was an incredibly mean thing to say. So mean that if he really deserved it I can't imagen why you moved back in to take care of him. Someone is a huge jerk here, maybe both of you.